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Austin Sweeney "Horrified" at Terrible Alcohol Policy He Wrote While

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Austin Sweeney WashU's Last Non-Dry Newspaper Dedicated to Daddy <3 VOLUME 15, ISSUE 2 SEP 29, 2018 PRICE: A TENDER KISS AND A SHOT OF BENTLEY'S WashU to Require Security Guards For Buried Registered Dorm Parties WUnderground Valiant ZBT Bootleggers Citing changes to social policy, the Office shots of fireball, and listen to Spotify playlists of Residential Life will require hired secu- titled ‘LIT’, but now under supervision” declared Will Hook You Up, Broski rity for registered dorm parties, effective Campus Life Chair Austin Sandoval-Sweeney. October 2018. Former campus policies Similar policies have found mixed success had permitted students to host personal on Fraternity Row. Last year, members of Page 4=floor social events, provided their RAs didn’t Sigma Alpha Epsilon faced suspension after give a shit. According to new policy, secu- guests discovered security staff consisted solely rity aides will be responsible for checking of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson cutouts. Top 10 Liquors to Pour student IDs, and ensuring all guests are WashU administrators are confident this change Down the Sink as Your residents of the same freshman floor. will be reflected in the school’s admissions appeal, For registered wet events, students 21+ will a claim already coming to fruition. “They don’t do RCD Approaches receive wristbands for beer or wine, provided this at Northwestern so I’m just gonna go there,” hosts hire an approved distributor. “Eric wrote one prospective student on Niche.com. on K4 gets the cases for our pong nights, so we told him to register as our beer guy,” said Maya Anteim, a Lien 2 resident. RCDs praised the new move, calling it “responsible underage drinking in motion.” Some students, however, have voiced skepti- cism: “People are just going to ignore the list like always,” sighed Connor Engle- wood, a sophomore in Rutledge. Added D1 resident John Abrams, “I don’t like the idea of not registering these things, Page Riddles Three but that’s where we’re headed.” Campus administrators remain optimistic. “I’m confident this new policy will ensure the "This alcohol policy will stop us from drinking for safety of freshmen students as they squeeze sure," said Nicole Park, Madison Bentley and Alyssa Austin Sweeney Signs 25 of their peers into their double room, take Notting. "No, seriously. We totally don't drink anymore. Sweeney definitely curbed that for good." $2 Mil Sponsorship Deal with Natty Lite Austin Sweeney "Horrified" at Terrible Page 10=never have i ever Alcohol Policy He Wrote While Blackout Op-Ed: "I Liked Beer. CLAYTON, MO - Scrolling through his texts I Still Like Beer." from the previous night with a mounting sense Brett Kavanaugh on WashU's of dread, Assistant Director of Greek Life new Alcohol Policy Austin Sweeney was forced to confront the fact Page 3=me that he had made a terrible mistake; last night’s bender had resulted in ugly and potentially Junior Takes Free Uber to long-lasting consequences. Get ESTd From Campus `“This new alcohol policy is fucking awful,” Sweeney confessed to WUnderground Page 6=chicks reporters. “I can’t believe I wrote this nonsense,” he added, shaking his head as he gathered the empty wine bottles and beer cans recklessly BUIs Skyrocket as strewn about his living room. WUPD Cracks Down Sources confirmed that Sweeney was “totally "I have no idea what got into me," Sweeney on Intoxicated Scooters hammered” when he came up with the policy, said. "One moment I was beating myself in a which mandates that security guards and Case Race, the next moment I was sitting in third-party bartenders are present at registered front of a full-fledged policy memorandum. non-dry campus events. “At least, that’s what I think he meant to say,” one source clarified. “His great idea,” wrote Ursa’s employee Erin Glasier. actual text said ‘Secrutirty fhmmmmmguarda “We don’t want students under the influence for barrtendr’, which required some interpretation quilts and crafts.” on my end.” While the policy has received criticism - Upon follow-up, Sweeney was last seen searching both from students and Sweeney himself – for Pedialyte and Advil minutes before a press Page 9=rhyme others have come out in support. “I think it’s a conference regarding the new policy. VOLUME 15, ISSUE 2 SEP 29, 2018 EST Watches On Helplessly as Freshman Vomits on Other Side of Throop Drive Top 10... EST Watches On Helplessly as the street, I tried shouting the Freshman Vomits on Other Side of basic gauntlet of questions to test Throop Drive for alcohol poisoning: ‘What year Ways to Have Fun On Saturday, September is it?,’ “Who is the President of the Without Alcohol 22, Freshman Tyler Tylerson was United States?,” etc.,” Fried told Desperate times call for making a trip back from an off- WUnderground at press time. desperate measures. campus party on Waterman to the “When he responded to both with South 40, belligerently intoxicated, ‘Mark Ruffalo is the best actor in when he began to feel ill at the Hollywood!’ in between puking intersection of Throop Drive and sessions, I knew he was far past Drink Forest Park Parkway. Fortunately the point of alcohol poisoning.” 11. for Tylerson, his bouts of alcohol Tylerson, however, was not made poisoning took place a mere 10 aware of his medical situation, do sex!!!!! hahaha just kidding yards from Nikki Fried, a Junior as Fried felt that providing that you can't get laid unless 10. everyone around you is EST Medic who happened to be information to an off-campus drinking you fucking loser on duty. Unfortunately for him, student would violate the EST *I'm proud of how I handled the situa- he had not yet crossed the official Hippocratic Oath. tion,* reports Fried. "I did everything I could, and that's what matters in the end." write MOONSHINE on border into campus, and thus could After several more unpro- kombucha bottles and sell not reap the benefits of Fried’s ductive back-and-forth shouting 9. them to your WUSA kids medical expertise. sessions, Tylerson passed out somehow found himself on the As Tylerson continued onto the sidewalk. “I knew I had Dardick 2 common room couch Donate blood for the dizziness to dry heave and vomit on his to do something at this point, Sunday morning confused, sweaty, 8. hands and knees, Fried went into but I forgot the number for off- and very much upsetting the a concerned panic and began to campus emergencies,” explained WUSAs. When WUnderground Jumping off stuff frantically wave in her own direc- Fried. Instead, sources indicate relayed this information to Fried, 7. tion, indicating to Tylerson to cross that Tylerson was strewn across she smiled and referred to herself the street into the Village. When the steps leading to the Knight as a “hero.” Become the company's top Tylerson would not respond to Center. WUnderground staff 6. scarer these signals, Fried turned to her caught up with Tylerson himself Ask what your country basic training. “From my side of on Monday, who claimed he 5. can do for you Reflect on the embarrassing DIY Cocktails For Pregaming Yourself Into a Coma moments from your pre-teen Now that you can't drink at frats parties, you're going to have to bring the contraband into the comfort of 4. years as they flood past the your home. Not to fear! We've compiled a list of DIY drinks to help you achieve that perfect frat-basement security beer afforded you blackout. Go see what's taking your dad so long at the gas station AEPi Jungle Juice The BD Classic The Chancellor Wrighton Just like daddy used to make. 1. The last half shot of your 1. Shot of a drink of your choice, 3. Get absolutely ripshit high off roommate's Smirnoff filled to2/3 the height of a normal [redacted at request of AEPi]* 2. Paws N' Go lemonade shot Elmer's glue 3. Pretending to be drunk 2. The Lisa The Martin 1. Tears The Construction Site 1. Two shots of a drink of your Transfer 2. Masturbation 1. Cement choice, poured into really small glasses. 1. 3. Everclear 4. Memories of her smile...oh Tequila (8AM class at) Sunrise The SPB *We regret to announce that due to unforeseen god...her beautiful smile... 1. Tequila 1. Gin circumstances, Coke has pulled itself from the 2. Emergen-C 2. Coke* recipe. However, we are very excited to announce *Jk it's just Hawaiian punch and cough syrup that Pepsi will be joining the drink! J Point Counterpoint By: Austin Sweeney By: Sean Ploo Campus Life Coordinator Freshman currently passed out in a pool of his own vomit from playing 3 games of beer die By banning hard alcohol from parties on Fraternity "Yeah, I totally agree." Row, we can ensure safety and promote responsible drinking for the student body..
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