SCOUTS TOGETHER WE STAND Words R.D Brown Music T.R Benns

Name:______

Cast No.:______Patrol:______

Act 1

Page Block Item # Item Your Part 5 A 1 Panic Stations 8 A 2 No Business Like Show Business 9 A 3 Mr. X Sings 12 B 4 Wonders of Technology 14 B 5 Digital World 15 B 6 Cupid.com 20 B 7 Sit Down Your Rocking The Boat 21 C 8 California Dreaming 24 C 9 Camp Cookery 27 C 10 Gang Show Stuff 31 C 11 Better Dead Than Red 34 D 12 Shake Your Tail Feather 35 D 13 Happy Holiday 39 D 14 Are We There Yet 40 E 15 Murder At Ye Olde Scout Hall 45 E 16 Village People

Some important things to remember

Tickets: All cast members are required to sell at least 20 tickets to the show. Please convince all of your relatives, friends, family, neighbours and everyone you see from now to July to buy a ticket to the show. Remember there is a prize for the highest ticket seller and the competition is usually hot.

Shoes: All cast members are required to have a black pair of sandshoes to wear in the show. These can be bought inexpensively at shops like Big W or Target. You can also find them in second hand shops. They must be plain shoes that are all black and easy to change in and out of quickly.

Website: www.gangshow.com/centralcoast This is the website for our show. Please surf to this site for all of your essential Gang Show information. Here you will find all the forms you need - booking form, Hornsby & Cumberland Gang Show forms, camp form, video form, wardrobe notes, props notes …… basically if you need it - it will be here! Please visit and tell all of your friends what a great site it is!

Act 2

Page Block Item # Item Your Part 49 F 17 Parting Of The Ways 51 F 18 The Phone Call 53 F 19 Wedding Songs 57 G 20 Wash Parade 59 G 21 Gnomes 64 G 22 Gnomes Revolting 65 G 23 My Mother Said 66 H 24 Mr. X Sings Again 69 H 25 YTT 73 H 26 Perfect Partners 74 I 27 Murder At Ye Olde Scout Hall 78 I 28 Singing a Song 79 I 29 Finale

More important things to remember

Gang Show is all about having fun whilst working hard in order to put on the best show possible in July. In order to do this, we try to keep the number of problems and dramas to a minimum. If you do have some kind of problem, please speak to a member of the Production Team in rehearsal time or ring Jan or Cameron on the numbers below (We prefer if you see us at rehearsals). Everyone is very friendly and we will do whatever we can to help you out. If you can not make it to rehearsal please phone and leave a message if necessary. It is important to know who is coming to rehearsal each week.

Jan 4324 6574 Cameron 0416 234615

Rehearsal Schedule

Date Place Time Early Notes Sunday 27 February East Gosford 4-7pm Sunday 6 March East Gosford 4-7pm Sunday 13 March East Gosford 4-7pm Sunday 20 March East Gosford 9.30am – 4pm Sunday 27 March No Rehearsals Easter Sunday 2 April Camp Kariong 9am Start Camp Saturday 3 April Camp Kariong 3pm Finish Camp Sunday 10 April East Gosford 4-7pm No Rehearsals Sunday 17 April East Gosford 4-7pm Monday 25 April East Gosford 4-7pm Anzac Day Sunday 1 May East Gosford 9.30am – 4pm Sunday 8 May East Gosford 4-7pm Sunday 15 May East Gosford 4-7pm Sunday 22 May East Gosford 9.30am – 4pm Sunday 29 May East Gosford 4-7pm Saturday 4 June Camp Kariong 9.00am – 4pm Sunday 5 June Camp Kariong 9.00am – 4pm Monday 13 June East Gosford 4-7pm Skits only Sunday 19 June East Gosford 4-7pm Saturday 25 June Camp Kariong TBA Crew Only Sunday 26 June Camp Kariong 9am - 4pm No Scripts Sunday 3 July East Gosford 4-7pm Sunday 10 July Laycock St 10.30am - 9pm Dress Rehearsal Monday 11 July Laycock St 6pm - 10.30pm Dress Rehearsal Wednesday 13 July Laycock St 6.15pm – 11.30pm Performance Thursday 14 July Laycock St 6.15pm – 11.30pm Performance Friday 15 July Laycock St 6.15pm – 11.30pm Performance Saturday 16 July Laycock St 12.30pm-11.30pm Performance Saturday 13 August District Hall 5.30pm Onwards Reunion

* Full attendance is expected at all rehearsals. * If you cannot attend a rehearsal for any reason please let us know. * Attendance is compulsory at the Camp in April and all rehearsals from June 1 onwards. Non attendance at these rehearsals may endanger your role in the show. * Special rehearsals may be held before each 4-7pm Sunday rehearsal at East Gosford. As much notice as possible will be given for these rehearsals * Full Cast Party - following the last performance there will be a party at District Hall until approx. 12.30am. There is no alcohol at this party - but there is lots of fairy bread, hot finger food and drinks.

Duty Patrol Roster

Date Place Time Patrol Sunday 27 February East Gosford 4-7pm Romance Rebels Sunday 6 March East Gosford 4-7pm Comedy Kings Sunday 13 March East Gosford 4-7pm Action Animals Sunday 20 March East Gosford 9.30am - 4pm Drama Queens Sunday 27 March Easter Weekend N/A Saturday 2 April Camp Kariong 9am Start Sci-Fi Freaks Sunday 3 April Camp Kariong 3pm Finish Romance Rebels Sunday 10 April East Gosford 4-7pm Comedy Kings Sunday 17 April East Gosford 4-7pm Action Animals Monday 25 April East Gosford 4-7pm Drama Queens Sunday 1 May East Gosford 9.30am - 4pm Sci-Fi Freaks Sunday 8 May East Gosford 4-7pm Romance Rebels Sunday 15 May East Gosford 4-7pm Comedy Kings Sunday 22 May East Gosford 9.30am - 4pm Sci-Fi Freaks Sunday 29 May East Gosford 4-7pm Romance Rebels Sunday 4 June Camp Kariong 9.00am - 4pm Action Animals Saturday 5 June Camp Kariong 9.00am - 4pm Drama Queens Monday 13 June East Gosford 4-7pm Production Sunday 19 June East Gosford 4-7pm Drama Queens Sunday 26 June Camp Kariong 9am - 4pm Comedy Kings Sunday 3 July East Gosford 4-7pm Sci-fi Freaks

Jobs & Information for Duty Patrols

• Duty Patrol Leaders will be in charge of opening and closing parades. • Duty Patrol will be responsible for running a warm up game • Duty patrol will be responsible for sweeping out the hall, storing the refreshment boxes (mugs, cordial, tea, coffee, etc) • Close windows, switch off heaters, switch off lights in toilets

It may take an extra five or ten minutes at the end of rehearsals for the duty patrol to do these small tasks but it could take longer for the patrols to clean up after rehearsals at Camp Kariong.

PANIC STATIONS Cameron Mitchell

(Scene: Open stage. Lighting bar down. Curtains up. Generally unprepared for the show. The cast and crew are walking across the stage oblivious to the audience whilst the auditorium fills and even during the overture. During the overture a small group of cast has sat centre stage talking, others continue to work in the background. At the end of the Overture one cast member approaches the group)

Cast 1: Hi guys what’cha doing out here?

All: Hi Cast 1

Cast 2: We were just getting a feel for the stage before we start.

Cast 1: Bit nervous are we?

Cast 2: Not me this is my 4th show

Cast 3: Really, then why have you been to the toilet 4 times already?

All: (Laugh)

Cast 1: Hey don’t worry. I still get nervous and this is my 12th Show. But after a few years you can handle any situation like a seasoned Broadway professional.

Cast 4: Really, This is my first year and I just hope I don’t stuff any thing up.

Cast 5: I was like that last year. But once you hear the audience applause you’re hooked and all those worries disappear.

Cast 2: That’s why we all keep coming back year after year.

Cast 1: You all know Michael right?

All: Yeah

Cast 1: He’s been involved in every show

Cast 4: Really that would make him like…

Cast 3: Shhh. He’s very touchy about his age.

All: (Laugh)

Cast 2: Well I’m off to get ready (Stands up and walks OP change of focus to crew checking lights and sound The group of cast continue to talk but silently)

Crew 1: (Directing conversation towards Bio Box) Can we check the next set of lights. Try channel 44…No must be 45…Umm 43. I’m positive it was one of those channels. Try them again. I’ll see if it’s a globe.

Crew 2: (Entering P side dragging two leads) Hey are these supposed to be plugged together? (No response from Crew 1. Crew 2 shrugs his shoulders and plugs them together the light comes on blinding Crew 1)

Crew 1: That would be it what did you do?

Crew 2: Ahhhh nothing (throwing the leads off stage)

Crew 3: Hey Gary can you bring in line 5 for us thanks. Heads on stage.

(The group of cast sitting centre stage all drop and put there heads on the stage)

Crew 3: What are you lot up to?

Cast 1: Well you said heads on stage so that’s what we did.

Crew 3: Ha ha very funny.

Cast: (Laugh)

Crew 3: Thanks Gary.

Cast 6: (Running on from OP looking flustered and worried) Has any one seen The Mic Girls? I need my radio Mic.

Cast 5: Why what’s the rush

Cast 6: Don’t you know what the time is?

Cast 4: Nope (All hold arms up indicating no watches) No jewellery remember.

Cast 6: It’s 25 to eight we should have started 5 minutes ago.

Cast 1: As if… The audience isn’t even in yet.

Cast 6: Well what do you call them?

Cast: (Look out look back to each other then back out all cast members scatter except Cast 1, 4 and 6)

Cast 1: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG (Panicking)

Cast 4: I thought he could handle any situation like a Broadway Professional(slapping Cast 1) Snap out of it.

Cast 1: Thanks I needed that…Quick go and get my costume. Guys lets get this show underway.

Crew 1: Ahhh Gary slight problem…(directs the curtains and lights into place)

Cast 1: (Kneeling down to talk to conductor) Hi Anna. I’m guessing you’ve done the overture already.

Anna: Yep

Cast 1: How did we miss that? Well I guess we better get straight into the first number then.

Cast 4: Here you go (Returning with costume)

Cast 1: Thanks rookie (Cast 4 goes to leave but is stopped by Cast 1 grabbing them by the arm) Where do you think you’re going?

Cast 4: Ummm…

Cast 1: We’ve got an audience to entertain.

Cast 4: But I’ve changed my mind I don’t think I like this anymore.

Cast 1: Don’t be ridiculous…You’ll love it because…(Breaks into Song) There’s no business like show business…

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS Irving Berlin

A Intro

B There’s no business like show business Like no business I know Everything about it is appealing Everything the traffic will allow Nowhere could you have that happy feeling When you are stealing that extra bow

C There’s no business like show business Like no business I know Everything about it is appealing Everything the traffic will allow Nowhere could you have that happy feeling When you are stealing that extra bow

D There’s no people like show people They smile when they are low Yesterday they told you, you would not go far That night you opened and there you are Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star Let’s get on with the show

E The costumes, the scenery, the makeup, the props The audience that lifts you when you’re new The headaches, the heartaches, the backaches, the flops The director who yells when you fall down The opening when your heart beats like a drum The closing when the customers won’t come

F There’s no business like show business And I tell you it’s so Travelling through the country is so thrilling, Standing out in front on opening nights Smiling as you watch the theatre filling, And there’s your billing out there in lights

G There’s no people like show people They smile when they are low Yesterday they told you, you would not go far That night you opened and there you are Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star Let’s get on with the show

MR X SINGS Norm Gilbert

Singer: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Mister X, Hammond X. And tonight it is my pleasure to sing for you a short classic, called “Come into the garden Maud”. (To the conductor) Thank you Maestro. (Orchestra Plays)

Maud: (From the front row) Yoo hoo. Hello Hammond, Here I am! I’m ready.

Singer: (to Orchestra) Excuse me. (To Maud) I beg your pardon miss, something wrong?

Maud: No Hammond, It’s me I’m ready in fact I’m waiting!

Singer: (Now exasperated) Ready? Waiting? What for?

Maud: I’m Maud!

Singer: Maud?

Maud: Yes, you said you’d take me into the garden. I’m ready!

Singer: No, No It’s a mistake. I was only going to sing the song. I didn’t really mean it as an invitation.

Maud: But you asked me and here I am. You will take me, won’t you?

Singer: I’m very sorry Miss, but I can’t take you. (To conductor) From the top if you will Maestro. (Maud bursts into tears)

Father: (from front row next to Maud) I beg your pardon!

Singer: Excuse me again. (Orchestra stopping)

Father: I said ‘I beg your pardon’. You can’t treat a poor innocent girl like that.

Singer: Treat her like what?

Father: You have a date with this girl and if it’s the last thing I do I’m going to see you carry it out.

Singer: Carry her out where?

Father: This girl is my daughter and I won’t have her trifled with.

Singer: I’ve never seen your daughter before I don’t know her.

Father: So, asking strange young girls to go out into the garden, eh?

Singer: Excuse me sir, I’m singing a song. I’m not going into the garden, with or without your daughter.

Father: My oath, you will. You will take Maud into the Garden.

Man: (From somewhere else in the auditorium) Well said mate, well said. Father: Who are you?

Man: I’m not certain, but well said mate, well said.

Father: (to singer) Treating this poor girl as though she were a sack of potatoes.

Man: Thank you mate, thank you.

Father: Thank you for what?

Man: I wondered what she was.

Father: Are you insinuating that my offspring is a sack of potatoes?

Man: Not at all, but it could be that dress she’s wearing.

Singer: Gentlemen, will you please calm down.

Father: Calm down? Not until justice has been done to Maud. Maud go into the garden.

Maud: But he won’t take me. I don’t want to go alone, what could I do?

Singer: If you don’t clear off somebody might tell you.

Man: (to singer) Shame, Shame, Shame

Father: I wish you’d be silent.

Man: Are you referring to me mate or Maud?

Father: You! (Indicating man) Sit down and be quiet.

Maud: What about me?

Father: You be silent too.

Singer: Change the song quickly, play anything. (Orchestra plays if you knew Suzy)

Suzy: (From somewhere else in the auditorium) Here I am Hammond, I’m up here.

Man: My goodness, a voice from heaven

Maud: Hammond who’s that?

Singer: I don’t know who it is, how can I tell from here?

Suzy: It’s me Hammond. It’s Suzy. You know me! How are you?

Man: I don’t think this is the time or the place to enquire about his health. Go to a doctor love.

Father: Will you keep out of this? A young lady from up north is speaking.

Singer: Will you all please keep quiet! Suzy: I’m fine Hammond, are you alright? You look lovely, can I come down?

Singer: NO! May I please appeal to you all for silence.

Father: Why do you want this girl to be silent? Have you jilted her as you jilted Maud? Maud, where are you?

Maud: I want to go into the Garden.

Suzy: Who’s she Hammond? What’s she doing here?

Father: She is my daughter young lady, but I fail to see what business that is of yours.

Man: What business is it of yours?

Father: Will you kindly keep out of this?

Man: Well leave that poor girl alone. Go for it girl. Let’s have a bit of excitement.

Suzy: Hammond, what do you want me to do?

Maud: You keep out of this, I saw him first, he’s mine.

Suzy: Go into the garden and dig yourself in.

Man: Hooray, one up to you Miss.

Father: Shut your trap mate or I might forget myself.

Man: I don’t blame you. I would forget myself too. Maud you look terrible.

Maud: Hit him father, go on, hit him.

Father: I can’t reach. But I’ll come over there and what's more. I’ll break every bone in your body.

Man: Don’t you try it.

Father: Can you give me a good reason why I shouldn’t thrash you?

Man: If you did I’d kill you.

Father: It’s lucky you’ve got a good reason

Suzy: What about me?

Maud: And what about me?

Singer: (to conductor) Hit it…(Starts singing What about me)

Man: Hey this isn’t Australian Idol Get off

All: Yeah Get off.

WONDERS OF TECHNOLOGY Linda & Michael Apthorpe

Voiceover: Thanks to technology, we can waste time with an efficiency until now unimaginable – all in the name of saving time…

(Lights come up. Lisa is sitting at office desk, OP side & picks up phone to make a call. Bob sits on P side at desk. SFX of phone ringing, Bob picks up phone)

Lisa: (Lisa is a bit blonde) Hello Bob, Did you review the contract I sent you?

Bob: Yep, it’s finished I’ll send it to you by email. What’s your email address?

Lisa: Just a minute let me check. (Turns away from phone) Nicoooole, what’s my email address?... No, No that’s my home email address. (Back to Phone) Listen I can’t find it, let me check and I’ll call you back.

Bob: I’m going out for lunch now. How about you send me your email address by fax and then I’ll email you the contract after I get back.

Lisa: So give me your fax number.

Bob: Actually, they’ve just changed the number, umm; I’ll have to get it for you.

Lisa: Ok, here’s what we’ll do, you email me your fax number when you get it, and I’ll fax you my email address.

Bob: No, hang on, that won’t work. Wait, I’m getting mixed up. Let me think.

Lisa: I know, what’s your mobile phone number?

Bob: You can’t call me, my phone battery is dead.

Lisa: Mine too. OK listen, here’s what we’ll do… both of us charge our batteries over lunch. I’ll ring you while you’re at lunch and leave a voicemail message with my mobile phone number so you can text me your mobile number, then I can text you back my fax number so you can fax me your fax number and I can fax you my email address. How about that?

Bob: Well, do you have a plan B?

Lisa: Ahh, yep, I know, I’ve got it. I send myself an email to see what my email address is and then I record a message for you in your voice mail… when you get it, you send me the answer on my pager… so then I send you a fax with my email address.

Bob: Well it does sound a bit complicated

Lisa: No, it’s not complicated. We just need a bit of coordination

Bob: There’s a third possibility that’s much simpler, its Plan C. What about I send you the contract directly by express messenger?

Lisa: Yeah, I guess it really is the best plan strategically speaking. But I have one small question? What was it that I was supposed to send to you by voicemail? My email address, my fax number, my mobile phone number, pager or telephone number?

Bob: Umm, actually I’ve forgotten. It probably would be a good idea to have periodic bilateral coordination meetings concerning protocols for internal communications. But anyway I’ve got a better idea.

Lisa: Yep, What is it?

(Bob puts phone down, gets up and walks around his desk. At this point the lights come up to reveal the office door that separates the two offices. He walks through the door and says…)

Bob: Here’s the contract!

Blackout.

DIGITAL WORLD Adam Wardell

A Intro

B As you, look into the future All the electronic gadgets fill your eyes They’re so little, Surfing across the information super highway Your world is getting smaller everyday Now you want to

C See it on the TV Hear it on a CD Everyone is now going digital Data flowing faster Living in a digital world

D Music, made by computers All your money lives inside your credit card Flash the plastic Email you have the power from inside your pocket Robots doing what I used to do But they love it

E See it on the TV Hear it on a CD Everyone is now going digital Data flowing faster Living in a digital world

F Everything is electronic, Runs on battery power Megabytes of data flowing Cyberspace is here but oops it’s crashing Buy your salmon from Alaska, Half way round the globe Type your name and give your password Everyone is talking in code Now I gotta

G See it on the TV Hear it on a CD Everyone is now going digital Data flowing faster Living in a digital

H See it on the TV Hear it on a CD Everyone is now going digital Data flowing faster Living in a digital Living in a digital Living in a digital world Welcome to the digital world

Everyone is now going digital. CUPID.COM Unknown

Hobnob: (answering phone) Good morning, Cloud nine, Love makes the world go round. Department of romance. How may I help you? (pause) Daniel Cupid…I’m sorry Mr Cupid is not here. He’s on safari (pause) What? You want to arrange an accidental meeting? I’ll connect you with the dropped handkerchief division. (Hobnob jiggles the phone and listens as Mixie’s phone rings)

Mixie: (answering phone) Good morning, Cloud nine, Love makes the world go round, How may I help you? (pause) I’m sorry Mr Cupid is not here. (pause) You want a love potion in what? (pause) In a schooner of beer? Well that is a bit unusual, but give me your name and address (Mixie listens and writes as Mingler’s phone rings)

Mingler: (answering phone) Good morning, Cloud nine, Love makes the world go round, How may I help you? (pause) One moment sir and I will check (Mingler puts his hand over the phone and speaks to Hobnob) It’s somebody called Dr Mentor. He wants to know if he can install a computer today?

Hobnob: A computer…On Cloud Nine…(sarcastically) Brilliant!

Mingler: Are you there sir…Yes that would be brilliant see you soon. (Hangs up)

Hobnob: Wait don’t hang up. We don’t want a computer here

Mingler: But you said…Ohhh…Right…Well it looks like we’re going to get one. See they’re here already.

(Enter two technicians carrying a large computer they put it down and set it up Enter Dr Mentor who addresses Hobnob)

Dr Mentor: One computer sign here please

Hobnob: We don’t want a computer. There has been a mistake

Mingler: This is the department of Romance

Mentor: Exactly

Mixie: What do you mean exactly? Nothing is exact in this department. It’s all rainbows and violins here.

Mentor: Stand aside please pixies. There is going to be a new era on Cloud Nine. This computer has SOULMATE 2005 Patent Pending, my own creation, The greatest matchmaking database ever built. SOULMATE 2005 will take all the guess work out of boy meets girl.

Cutt: Soulmate 2005 will add your aspirations, subtract your sins

Dry: Multiply your virtues and divide your dynamics

Mentor: Cross file you, reshuffle you, index you, and finally find you a mate. A perfect, permanent, scientific, balanced mate. Mingler: Ugh!! It sounds like a breakfast cereal. Go away. We don’t need it

Mentor: My dear fellow, it’s done. And with a connection to the internet we can find a partner for every one in the whole world, including every single and every double character in the world of myth and legend.

Hobnob: The world of myth and legend! That’s our world! How dare you.

Mentor: Come on! Its all for the better. Now your favourite fairy tale characters will live happily ever after, but…

Cutt & Dry: Logically ever after. Computers make the world go round.

Pixies: Oh, how disgusting

Mentor: Now, would you like to see a sampling of my programming? (Cutt takes CD’s from pocket and holds them like playing cards) Dry please select a disk, any disk at random.

Dry: One random disk coming up.

Mentor: Ah, Robin Hood

Pixies: Not Robin Hood!

Hobnob: You can’t mean Robin Hood. He already has a girl…Maid Marian.

Mentor: A very poor selection. We will find a better mate for him. (Cutt inserts the disk in the computer) Dry, boot up the system (Dry turns the dial a beeping sound is heard)

Soulmate: File number 18821498: Robin Hood (Robin Hood enters from behind machine)

Robin Hood: Forsooth, good lads. What merry adventures have we here? Who calls Robin from the greenwood?

Mixie: Run, Robin. Run for your life.

Mentor: Quiet pixie, Now Dry, push the button. Compute a perfect match for Robin Hood. (Dry pushes a heart shaped button computing sounds are heard. A final chime then “country gardens” Mary Poppins enters from behind computer)

Robin Hood: Yoicks! What is this creature with the black mushroom over her head?

Mixie: It’s Mary Poppins, Robin.

Robin Hood: I like her not.

Mary Poppins: Indeed, Mr Hood. Fancy that. Well I am not fond of you either. Running about in a dirty forest in those ridiculous green tights, without a proper governess. And I

dare say you haven’t washed your hands in a week. Now off with you. Spit spot. (She drags robin off by the ear)

Mingler: Poor Robin Mentor: Beautiful. A neat balance of personalities.

Cutt: Neat

Dry: Very neat.

Mentor: Now, shall I choose the next disk?

Pixies: NO!

Mentor: Ah, Cleopatra!

Hobnob: Oh please, not the glamorous, exotic Cleopatra.

Mentor: (To cutt, briskly) Compute Cleopatra. (Cutt puts the disk in the computer)

Soulmate: File Number 0007284 Cleopatra. (Computing sfx then Egyptian fanfare Cleopatra enters in Egyptian pose)

Cleopatra: Is it my own true love who hath summoned the Queen Cleopatra? Ah, true love, I have built a great barge with silken sails that you and I may float upon the Nile. I have filled it with gold and jewels just for you.

Mentor: Compute Cleopatra’s mate (Dry pushes the button)

Soulmate: File Number 7890234 (Computer SFX and Scrooge enters from behind computer)

Mentor: Your Majesty, may I present Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge. Your ideal mate.

Cleopatra: (Flinging arms out dramatically) My love, all that I own is yours

Scrooge: Bah, humbug. Young woman, you and I are going to put the kingdom of Egypt on a sound financial basis. No more barging up and down the Nile, flinging gold around. No more jewels. And while were at it…sell those useless pyramids.

Cleopatra: But what about my feelings? You have hurt my feelings, O Scrooge (she begins to cry)

Scrooge: (pulling Cleopatra off stage) Feelings bah humbug! If I had my way, everyone who babbles about feelings would be boiled in their own teardrops!

Mentor: (smugly) It’s a pleasure to see two scientifically matched personalities.

Cutt: Oh very scientific

Dry: Very

Hobnob: You’re a meddler, Mentor. Cupid will never forgive you

Mentor: Too bad. System is all that matters. Each little pigeon in its hole. Why, there’s no end to the tidy new arrangements Soulmate 2005 will create. Sleeping beauty and Rip Van Winkle. (pixies groan) Snow white and Shreck (pixies moan) Lady Macbeth and Little lord Fauntleroy (pixies begin to cry. Cupid enters lifting his hands commandingly)

Cupid: Stop! I demand to know what is going on here.

Mentor: Cupid!

Pixies: Cupid Hooray! Just in time

Mentor: See here Cupid. Your day is over. The day of the computer is at hand. Soulmate 2005 is the best thing since… since… (searching for words) Guinness… Brilliant!

Cupid: Ah. A computer. I suppose this machine can put one and one together and make two as well as I can?

Mentor: Better! You stick people together with gooey sentiment.

Cutt: Soulmate 2005 gets to the root of the matter.

Dry: The square root of the matter.

Cupid: Very impressive (pixies shake their heads. Cupid takes the disks) May I see the disks? Do you mind if I compute a few?

Mentor: Not at all. Be my guest. (Cupid places 3 disks into the computer Computing SFX)

Soulmate: File number 1234 technician Cutt, file number 5678 technician Dry, file number 9101112 Dr Mentor

Cutt & Dry: That’s us!

Mentor: What is the meaning of this? What are you doing Cupid?

Cupid: Each little pigeon in its hole. Why, there’s no end to the new arrangements Soulmate 2005 will make.

Mentor: Ah… Oh dear.

Cupid: Button… Button now where is that little button?

Cutt: Don’t…

Dry: Don’t push that button!

Cupid: Ah thankyou. Here goes (Cupid pushes the button, Computing SFX and Step Mother and 2 Ugly sisters appear)

Mentor: Oh my! Who are you?

Stepsisters: Don’t you recognize us?

Step Sister 1: (embracing Cutt) I’m Cinderella’s adorable stepsister. I’ve been waiting for centuries for someone like you.

Step Sister 2: (Hugging Dry) And I am Cinderella’s other enchanting stepsister. Your lovely computer brought us together. Stepmother: (linking arms with mentor) You must remember me Cinderella’s gentle, kind understanding stepmother. Of course you do. And I’ll take as good care of you as I did of little Cinderella. Come on!

Step sisters: Come on! (They drag Cutt, Dry and Mentor off)

Cutt, Dry & (on their knees before cupid) Help us! Save Us! Mentor:

Cupid: Too bad! Systems are all that matter. My, my. I hope you three live logically ever after. (They are dragged off protesting)

Hobnob: Phew, Cupid are we glad to see you again!

Mixie: But what will happen to that beastly Soul mate 2005?

Cupid: If we just wait a minute or two… (Cutt and Dry enter and carry computer off) Ahh I thought so.

Mentor: We’re going to improve the program. It needs a few adjustments… an upgrade! Just you wait until you see version 2.2 (mentor exits SFX of computer being destroyed)

Cupid & Now that’s what I call an upgrade! (Phone rings and lights fade) Pixies:

SIT DOWN YOU’RE ROCKING THE BOAT Frank Loesser

A Intro

B I dreamed last night I got on the boat to heaven And by some chance I had brought my dice along, And there I stood and I hollered, “Someone fade me” but the passengers they knew right from wrong

C For the people all said, “Sit down, sit down, your rockin’ the boat.” People all said “Sit down, sit down, your rockin’ the boat And the devil will drag you under By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat; Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, Sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat”.

D I sailed away on that little boat to heaven And by some chance found a bottle in my fist, And there I stood nicely passin’ out the whiskey, But the passengers were bound to resist

E For the people all said, “Beware, you’re on a heavenly trip.” People all said, “Beware, beware you’ll scuttle the ship; And the devil will drag you under By the fancy tie ‘round your wicked throat; Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, Sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat”.

F And as I laughed at those passengers to heaven A great big wave came and washed me over board, And as I sank, and I hollered “someone save me,” That’s the moment I woke up, thank the lord

G And I said to myself , “Sit down, sit down, your rockin’ the boat.” Said to myself , “Sit down, sit down, your rockin’ the boat And the devil will drag you under With a soul so heavy you’d never float; Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,

Sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat”.

CALIFORNIA DREAMING Linda Apthorpe

(The recording studio is set up to record ‘California dreaming’ scene opens with soloist in front of mic, group in front of other mic. Soloist has headphones on)

Soloist: Are you right to go, it’s easy follow me. Just sing what I sing first and keep on repeating it. You’ll be fine.

Group: Ok, let’s go

Soloist: (orchestra plays intro to California dreaming) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Group: ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: ‘And the sky is grey’

Group: (sing the same melody as first line) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: NO No! You’ve got to sing it the same as me, I sing ‘All the leaves are brown’, you sing ‘All the leaves are brown’. I sing ‘And the sky is grey’, then you repeat it. Got it?

Group: Yep.

Soloist: Great, lets start again. Intro please (orchestra plays intro) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Group: ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: ‘And the sky is grey’

Group: (following the soloist)‘And the sky is grey’(they gesture to the soloist…is this right)

Soloist: (gestures back…ok) ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Group: (sung with same melody as first line) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: (frustrated) No! Come on I thought you had it, you just repeat after me (group looks confused, turn to one another, shrug shoulders. Soloist now very frustrated) I sing, then you sing the same thing, then I sing my line, and you sing my line, then I sing the next line and you follow it, then it keeps going. Got it??

Group: OK, think so.

Soloist: Intro Please (orchestra plays intro) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Group: ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: ‘And the sky is grey’

Group: ‘And the sky is grey’

Soloist: ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Group: ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Soloist: ‘On a winter’s day’

Group: (melody same as first line) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: (really frustrated and angry) LOOK! It goes like this…I sing ‘All the leaves are brown’, you sing ‘All the leaves are brown’, I sing ‘And the sky is grey’, you sing ‘And the sky is grey’, (getting angrier and faster) I sing ‘I’ve been for a walk’, you sing ‘I’ve been for a walk’, I sing ‘On a winters day’, you sing ‘On a winters day’. GOT IT!!

Group: Yep, we’ve got it this time?

Soloist: Intro please (orchestra plays intro) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Group: ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: ‘And the sky is grey’

Group: (slightly angry, mimicking soloist, as she explained it before) ‘And the sky is grey’

Soloist: (looking puzzled) ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Group: (angry, mimicking soloist as above) ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Soloist: ‘On a winters day’

Group: (angry again and faster, mimicking soloist as above) ‘On a winters day’

Soloist: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! It’s supposed to be nice and sweet, harmonious and beautiful, What were you thinking?

Group: We were just doing it the way you said last time, you got angrier and faster, we are just repeating after you as you said. (Others agree)

Soloist: Can’t you see…oh, oh this is so frustrating, (nicely) I was just saying it faster and getting slightly frustrated that things were not going well, that’s all. OK breath everyone. Now, lets give it another go, this time nice, and sweet and lovely, please! Intro please (orchestra plays intro) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Group: ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: ‘And the sky is grey’

Group: ‘And the sky is grey’

Soloist: ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Group: ‘I’ve been for a walk’

Soloist: ‘On a winter’s day’

Group: ‘On a winter’s day’

Soloist: ‘I’d be safe and warm’

Group: (same melody as first line) ‘All the leaves are brown’

Soloist: (rips off headphones) That’s it, it’s over, I’m off (soloist storms off stage, group looks bemused and bewildered about the fuss, shrug shoulders and wander off)

CAMP COOKERY Ralph Reader

(The Scene is a campsite in the kitchen. A built up fireplace is seen and Freaky has a large frying pan in which he has some mixture which he is stirring. Other Members of his patrol are watching him including Pip his P.L.)

Pip: What have you got in there Freaky?

Freaky: I told you it was a secret formula. It’s something I’ve invented. It’s a new cake mixture and if it works I’ll be famous.

Speck: What’s it called?

Freaky: “Freaky’s Phenomenon”. That’s what I’m going to call it, “Freaky’s Phenomenon” and it’ll become a household word.

Trigger: You can keep it. I’m not going to give my stomach anything that’s going to cause a “Phenomenon”. (He Exits)

Pip: What have you got in there, Freaky? Tell us.

Freaky: First I put in a tin of cocoa. Then I mixed it with some milk and a bag of peanuts.

Pip: Peanuts?

Freaky: You wait and see. And if this works I’m going to sell it to a big firm. You’ll see it advertised on the telly and everybody will be buying “Freaky’s Phenomenon”. Everybody, from the top to the bottom. Get me those cloves over there.

Pip: Cloves? With cocoa and peanuts.

Freaky: Don’t argue. I put them down somewhere. (Pip turns and looks around for the cloves. As he does so Freaky takes two eggs which none of the boys have seen and he puts them under his hat whilst Pip’s back is turned)

Pip: I got ‘em How many do you want? (Speck Returns with the lime juice)

Freaky: Put ‘em all in (Pip does)

Speck: I wasn’t coming to camp this weekend but I’m glad I did. This is something. Shall I pour it in?

Freaky: Not too much, I don’t want to drown the peanuts.

Pip: They might appreciate it. Is that the lot?

Freaky: Only one more thing to add and that’s the big secret.

Pip: Secret? If anybody swallows Milk, cloves, peanuts and lime juice in one go they won’t be able to keep it a secret.

Speck: The minute he puts it near the fire, stand back.

Freaky: Just wait till I put the finishing touch to it. (He holds up the wooden spoon with some of the mixture on it) Go on, taste it.

Speck: Not me I want to stay heatlthy.

Pip: Chicken. He said it was going to be good for everybody, from the top to the bottom. Go on, have a go.

Speck: I wonder what my mother will do with my insurance money? O.K. Give me a bit. (He takes it. He swallows and then his face lights up) It’s not bad! It’s different. And that’s before he puts the secret in. Can I have another taste?

Pip: Go on, have some more and I’ll get the stretcher.

Speck: (taking another taste) Freaky, it’s delicious. It bites your tounge a bit it slides down all right. It’s electric.

Pip: Be careful, you don’t have a short circuit and blow a fuse. Freaky, I hereby knight you Sir Cook of the Wolf Patrol. (He hits him on the head) I only hope it turns out as good as you say it is.

Trigger: What’s up Freaky? You all right?

Basil: He looks worried.

Wally: Maybe he’s forgotten something. Why don’t you say something?

Freaky: Did you touch me then?

Pip: I just tapped you on the head, That’s all.

Freaky: Do you know what you’ve done.

Speck: (seeing some of the egg rolling down) It looks as though you’ve done something (he stares and then speaks) Freaky! Your head is leaking!

Wally: Pip his brains are coming out.

Pip: No, brains aren’t that colour. It’s watering dandruff. Freaky, you’ve had an explosion.

Freaky: Do you know what you’ve done?

Speck: He didn’t know his own strength, Freaky, he didn’t mean to bash your head in.

Basil: I never knew anybody had blood that colour.

Freaky: It’s not blood its eggs!

Pip: Eggs? What were eggs doing on top of your head?

Freaky: I put them there.

Pip: Well, why didn’t you leave them in the chicken? Speck: Was that your secret…you could make eggs come out of your head?

Freaky: You idiot…you oaf…look at me. I’ve got weeping omelettes.

Speck: How was Pip to know you were balancing eggs on your nut. Phew, they aren’t very fresh are they? Quick (to Pip) Give me your handkerchief. (he does so) Let me wipe it off.

Freaky: Get away from me. Don’t come near me, you hear.

Speck: I’m only going to wipe your face. You look awful, a face full of scrambled eggs. (he goes to wipe Freaky’s face)

Freaky: Get out! (He pushes him and Speck falls and sits in the frying pan) You’ve ruined me that’s what you’ve done, you’ve… (Stops and looks at Speck)

Pip: What’s up Speck? You all right?

Speck: I think I’m sitting in something.

Pip: Then get up.

Speck: I can’t, I’m stuck. I can’t get up.

Freaky: I hope you never get up. Serves you right and I hope you…you…stuck in something? Stuck in something, what are you stuck in, Flatface?

Basil: He’s stuck in your Phenomenon

Pip: Get up Speck, get up quick!

Speck: If I get up quick I’ll leave half my behind in the frying pan.

Wally: And bacon and eggs in the morning. Not for me.

Pip: (giving a hand to Speck) Come on, get up. ( The frying pan is stuck to his bum)

Speck: Don’t just stand there, take it off. But be careful.

Trigger: No, Do it quick. Like my mother does with a band-aid (Pip takes pan off)

Freaky: I’m going home. I’m not standing for this. Give me a towel somebody.

Basil: Use your own towel. The chicken who laid those eggs must have been rotten. Phew!

Pip: Never mind, Freaky, we didn’t believe you, but you were right about your concoctions…what you said was absolutely true.

Freaky: All right, and what was it I said?

Pip: You said it was going to suit everybody. (He points to Speck and Freaky) You said “From top to Bottom”

GANGSHOW EXPLAINED Various

Dialogue: Good evening everybody, since the beginning of our show some 20 years ago we have been presenting to you one item or another which has contained solely songs written for gang show, For example last year we performed a section called That’s Gang Show. It has singing and dancing and it was bright and colourful. Now if you knew that all the items were written by Gang Show people there was some sense to what was going on. But if you didn’t well I’m guessing you just sat there smiled, and whispering to the person next to you ‘What the hell is this all about’. Don’t deny it we can see you from up here and we see the heads turning occasionally. Well someone kindly pointed this fact out to us so this year I’m here to explain what’s going on a sort of interpreter or narrator if you will. Our first song was written by a Mr R.D Brown and a Mr T.R Benns and it is about the fine young people you see up here on stage and the common thread that ties them together.

SCOUTS TOGETHER WE STAND Words R.D Brown Music T.R Benns

A Intro

B We may not climb an Everest or write a symphony We may not fashion works of art for all mankind to see For all mankind to see We may not visit outer space at some far future date We may not be Prime Minister and guide this ship of state And guide this ship of state

D We may not yet have taken hold of wisdom’s golden key But what we are will point the way To what each one will be To what each one will be

E And we are Scouts together we stand, Yeah Scouts from every land We’re movin away now to make a friend To take this world by the hand So come and join us as we set out You’ll soon find what it’s about. Let that Scouting spirit shine through your days, yeah You can be a scout

F You can make this scene on your own You can really set the tone Just follow Guiding’s light And all your days will be bright You will never be alone You’ll see that Guiding is a power for good Guiding is a sisterhood

And it’s a real great game And you’ll be glad that you came Wish that every body could

G Scouts are showing the way Guiding’s bright as today The actions on, It’s the way to be Get in now don’t you delay So hear it Scouting’s calling a new Everybody get some far horizons in view So come on in and join with us now The world is waiting for you Let’s sing it

H Guides are showing the way Scouting’s bright as today The actions on, It’s the way to be Get in now don’t you delay So hear it Scouting’s calling a new Everybody get some far horizons in view So come on in and join with us now Yeah you can be a Guide Yeah you can be a Scout

Dialogue: See now didn’t that make much more sense knowing what it was all about. Now we have our scouts and guides but it takes a lot more than that to put a Gang show together. And guess what? There is a Gang Show song that tells of the million and one things that make a gang show. Hey now that’s a catchy name… Million and one things, too bad I didn’t think of it first Ken Bayly has already written a song with that title so let’s just perform it now for you.

MILLION AND ONE THINGS Ken Bayly

I It takes a million and one things to make a Gang Show Million and one things to make it go If you could see the recipe for all our Gang Show hits You’d be staggered at the mighty list Just think of each scene we bring before you Think of all those behind the scenes The lighting, scenery, costumes too, The make up, music, front of house are some of the things, Some of the million and one things that join as one To make a Gang Show

J We’re a Gang that is worth a million and one Of whatever you name It’s a Gang that for sure is just second to none We stake our claim Does not matter what currencies’ used

Dollars and cents, Kroner’s or marks, Swiss francs or Yens, We’re part of a Gang, each son of a gun That’s flying high We’re walking on air with our face to the sun High in the sky A millionaire with cash to spare Still couldn’t buy us We’re a Gang worth a million and one A Gang worth a million and one

Dialogue: Hey this is even making sense to me now. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it years ago. Alright we have our scouts and guides, we have the million and one things that go together to make a gang show. But what kind of show is a gang show? Now that’s a good question… Unfortunately I don’t have an answer but once again Ken Bayly came up with the answer, in another one of his songs called… can you guess… yep its called ‘What kind of show is a gang show’

WHAT KIND OF SHOW IS A GANG SHOW Ken Bayly

K And now’s the time once again to bring you another show And now’s the time when we must give a welcome to you It’s really great to see you again It’s hard to realise that a year has flown away It really seems just like it was yesterday Since we were bringing you last years Gang Show

L Now the curtains up for another opening another show And it’s a cert ev’ry one will say it’s a hit So sit right back you’re in for a great time It’s the brightest show you’ll find anywhere This you all know for its Central Coast Gang Show

M What kind of show is a Gang Show That’s what we’re asked ev’ry year What sets each heart a-glow What kind of magic appears

N What is the secret of Gang Show What brings the crowd back each year These are the questions we’ll try to answer And make it clear

O We’ve got laughter, we’ve got fun Lots of mirth for ev’ry one And there’s dancing that’s sure To make you want to shout for more

P And we’ve got melodies that you will want to sing Effective sets and costumes bright And lighting to complete the sight

Q These are just some of the reasons

That bring the Gang Show its fame Part of the reason we’re all proud Of our Gang Show’s name.

Dialogue: Ok were at the end now and you all understand what’s going on right. Never mind we will continue anyway. Finishing off our little medley of gang show tunes is a song written by our neighbours in Sydney, Cumberland Gang Show, Yes there is another gang show besides us, in fact they are all over the world or didn’t you read your program. Any way Dr Rob Lang, Brett Hartley and Mark Emdin wrote this song describing everyone on the stage.

I’M A STAR Rob Lang, Brett Hartley & Mark Emdin

R Being here is something special Being here is something grand Standing on the stage is one thing Others don’t understand

S With the magic of the moment And the sparkle of your smile If your head is held high proudly You’ve got that Gang Show style

T Now just add a touch of feeling And believe in what you are Trust me you’ve got what it takes To be a Gang Show Star

U I’m a star, because I’m giving it all I’ve got Because I’m making this the best show that I’ve ever done The best smile that I’ve smiled so far The best song that I’ve ever sung, Yes I’m a Star

V Wonderful feeling to be here entertaining After all the worries and the strife I didn’t think I could do it But the Gang helped me through it It’s a feeling I’ll remember all my life

W I’m a star, because I’m giving it all I’ve got Because I’m making this the best show that I’ve ever done The best smile that I’ve smiled so far The best song that I’ve ever sung, Yes I’m a Star

X I’m a star, because I’m giving it all I’ve got Because I’m making this the best show that I’ve ever done The best smile that I’ve smiled so far The best song that I’ve ever sung, Yes I’m a Star

BETTER DEAD THAN RED By Teague Rooke (adapted by David Spencer)

(Two Russian guards dressed in grey coats & boots doing Russian march. They end up colliding with each other.)

Victor: Ahhh ... Halt! Halt! It's the revolution. It's happening. Call for Red Guard. Call far Boris. The revolution is happ ... Oh, it is you Vladimir. Comrade, you took me unawares.

Vladimir: I never touched your unawares Victor, and I have no ambition to touch them, after all Victor, you are a very unattractive man.

Victor: I am sorry comrade, it was just the peasants, I thought they were revolting.

Vladimir: Open your eyes Victor, the peasants are revolting, they are just as unattractive as you are!

Victor: Comrade, have you seen Goodinuv?

Vladimir: I have seen better. It's the Vodka you know.

Victor: Niet, I mean Comrade Goodinuv.

Vladimir: He will be here at any moment.

(They wait a few seconds, and then Goodinuv enters from the middle of the half stage curtain.)

Vladimir: What took you so long comrade? Did you have trouble coming through the curtain?

Goodinuv: Da, it is an iron curtain! Anyway comrades, we must move quickly!

Vladimir: Comrade Goodinuv, what's all the Russian about, about?

Goodinuv: Comrades, I bring you grave news. I have searched day and night for the last half hour to bring you this. The coup (coop) has finally started.

Victor: Is this a chicken coup or a revolutionary type of coup?

Goodinuv: Believe me, this is no chicken coup!

Victor: So this is no yolk!

Goodinuv: On the Vodka again are we Victor? Niet, you idiot it is a revolutionary type of coup. Democracy is paving a new way throughout the Russian community. The Communist Party has fallen!

Victor: Did they hurt themselves?

Vladimir: What about Moscow?

Goodinuv: Red Square is full of protesters. But the Department of Defence is persuading them to go home using those big metal machines with the long pointy guns. What are they called?

Victor: Tanks!

Goodinuv: Don't mention it.

Victor: Tell me comrade, what kind of fence is stopping protesters. Is it a nice wooden paling fence, or one of those new "you beaut" Alcan aluminium fences imported from the west?

Goodinuv: Comrade, how many times must Politburo tell you not to drink bottle of Vodka before coming on duty? What in the name of Karl Marx are you talking about`?

Victor: You say Department of Defence is stopping protesters, da?

Goodinuv: Da!

Victor: Then what kind of fence did they build to stop the protesters? Perhaps it was brick one, with the cute little flowers growing in the garden boxes.

Goodinuv: Niet, niet. It is Department of Defence ... (Pretends to shoot with machine gun) ... not Department of De Fence. (Pretends to look over a fence)

Vladimir: Sometimes Victor I wonder whose side you are on.

Goodinuv: Most times Victor I wish you were on other side.

Sveter: Comrades! (Rushes on)

Others: Sveter!

Victor: Have you heard the news Sveter, the peasants are revolting?

Sveter: This is pot calling kettle black, da? Who are you to talk Victor; after all, you are very unattractive man.

Vladimir: Niet, niet. What he means comrade, is that the peasants are revolting against communism.

Sveter: Revolting against communism? This is very good news comrades.

Others: What?

Goodinuv: Sveter, we are members of the communist party.

Sveter: We are? In that case this is very bad news, comrades.

Vladimir: Da. It means we will be put in jail as menshiviks.

Goodinuv: Then we will be shot as Bolsheviks.

Victor: Then we'll lose our jobs and become dolesheviks!

Sveter: Never mind comrades, I know someone who can get us a job at Chernobyl. His name is Vitali Keepdroppenov. Although I do not think he is all that together at the moment.

Vladimir: Anyway Sveter, what took you so long and did you bring our order from McRuskies western style hamburger restaurant?

Sveter: Da, here it is. I was held up because I had to wait in line to get Ronald McRuskie's autograph - he was appearing live. (She produces hamburgers from under coat) One Big Boris for you Vladimir, one Fillet O' Gorbachev for you Goodinuv and for you Victor, one box of McRuskies Communist Party Cookies.

(They start eating their hamburgers)

Goodinuv: Tell me Sveter how do you keep the food so warm all the way from Red Square?

Sveter: Easy comrade, 1 put one hamburger under each armpit and jogged all the way

(They all spit the contents of their mouth back into the foam box)

Victor: That would explain why my cookies are sweaty, Sveter! (He cont eat them)

Ivan: Comrades! (Rushes on)

Vladimir: Ivan Hadinuv, what is the news?

Ivan: The news is good comrade. The coup has ended.

Goodinuv: Why? What happened?

Vladimir: Have our leaders negotiated?

Ivan: Niet!

Sveter: Has the Politburo persuaded them?

Ivan: Niet!

Victor: Have they run out of Coca-Cola?

Ivan: Niet comrades. There's been a melt down at McRuskies! !

(They all run off in panic, blackout)

SHAKE YOUR TAIL FEATHER Irvin Berlin

HAPPY HOLIDAY Allison Llewellyn

(Father, humming and singing ‘Summer Holiday’, is packing the car with his two sons)

Father: (Enthusiastically) You’ll love it, boys. The Motorists’ Guidebook gives it four stars. Now, if you two will put those last few things in the boot, I’ll see what’s keeping your mother and the girls. (With great excitement) Then we can hit the road. (Starts to exit)

Scott: (Circling his finger in the air) Wheee!

Father: (Turning back) What was that?

Scott: (Stalling) Weee… will… Pack the car, I mean. (Father exits, whistling)

Anthony: He never gives up, does he? Every year he thinks that we look forward to these dumb holidays as much as he does.

Scott: Yeah. It’s not as though we spend any time together the rest of the year. I don’t know why we have to try and cram it all into a couple of weeks.

Father: (Returning with mother and daughters) Okay, all aboard! The Flanagan Flyer is about to leave.

(There is a general rush as kids all try to pile into the car through the same door: General exclamations such as ‘Get off my foot’, ‘You had the window seat last time’ and ‘Dad, tell him to move over’)

Father: (blowing a whistle) Ok, everybody out. Boys in the back, girls in the front. (waits till they’re settled) That’s better. How about a song to get things going? (General groans as he starts to sing ‘A thousand green bottles…’ The others reluctantly join in and gradually settle down.)

Linda: This is boring.

Julia: Are we there yet?

Becky: Yeah how much longer?

Father: (Angrily) We’ve only just started.

Mother: Just make sure you don’t start.

Father: What’s that supposed to mean?

Mother: You know. Every year you pack us off to some weird and wonderful place you’ve read about, and you expect us to enjoy ourselves… even if it kills us.

Father: Oh so its my fault again, is it?

Children: Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Father: Your mother and I are not fighting. It’s an adults privilege to air their differences. And anyway we agreed totally on this holiday, didn’t we, dear?

Mother: Well, you did anyway.

Linda: When do we eat?

Children: Yeah, how much longer?

Father: There’s a park up ahead. We’ll pull in here, and you can stretch your legs while your mother unpacks the lunch.

Mother: What lunch? You told me we were going to a four star resort so I wouldn’t have to cook, and we could have more time together.

Father: (In exasperation) But we’re not there yet.

All: We know!

Father: Oh, alright. Here’s some money. You kids go to the kiosk over there and see what you can get for lunch. (Wife glares at him accusingly) Ok, so it’s taking us a little longer than I planned.

Mother: How much longer is it anyway?

Father: Now you sound just like the kids. The map says it’s 180kms, so it can’t be far now.

Mother: That can’t be right. We’ve already done 195kms. Show me the map. (Reads it) Where’d you get this?

Father: In my motorists’ Survival Kit.

Mother: Not the one your father gave you for your eighteenth birthday?

Father: Yeah. Why?

Mother: It’s in miles, Brian. Not kilometres. It’s 180 miles. We’re just over half way. (She hands the map back and looks at him accusingly)

Father: (Apologetically) It looked terrific in the brochure. (Attempting hunour) At least we’ll really be getting away from it all. (Children return) Ahh, great. So what kind of sandwiches have we got?

Scott: Sandwiches?

Anthony: You didn’t say anything about sandwiches, Dad.

Father: So what have we got? Salad Rolls? Fish ‘n’ chips? Pies? (At each question the children shake their heads.) So, what then?

Julia: Crunchie Bars.

Becky: Choc Drumsticks. Linda: Coke.

Father: Is that all?

Scott: No. Here, Dad, we got you some PK.

Father: And where is my change?

Anthony: You didn’t say anything about change, Dad.

Father: Get in. (General confusion as before)

Linda: It wouldn’t be so bad being together if we could always have food like this. (Starts singing, ‘One thousand green bottles…’ Others join in enthusiastically except the father who is sulking.)

(Lights dim significantly to indicate that a lot of time has passed. Everyone sings in slow, bored voices. ‘Fifty green bottles…’

Julia: Are we there yet?

Becky: Dad, I gotta go.

Father: You should have gone back at the kiosk.

Becky: I did, I gotta go again.

Children: (In chorus) Me too.

Father: No, I am not stopping again.

Mother: Oh, for heavens’ sake Brian, I thought you’d be pleased that at last they want to Do something together. (Car pulls over, kids exit in different directions)

Father: (Father looks around before winking at wife and attempting to put his arm Around her) Well, at least we’re together.

Mother: I think I’ll join the kids. (everyone returns, wife last)

Father: Everyone here? No more stops or we’ll never get there. (Road becomes Progressively rougher. Everyone bounces around.)

Anthony: Hey, Dad. This is cool.

Julia: Yeah, wild ride, Dad. (There’s a sudden bang, the car stops, and the children Groan)

Mother: What was that?

Father: Sounds like a tyre blew. I’ll fix it as soon as I find the jack.

Becky: That’s not that funny metal thing you lift the car up with, is it?

Father: Yes, why?

Linda: We couldn’t fit our beauty cases in so we took it out.

Father: What !?! Well, that does it. We’re stuck here til morning. (Lights slowly dim)

Anthony: Great! We get to camp out.

Scott: This holiday’s turning out alright. (All children riot in the back seats)

Mother: Okay, everyone, settle down.

Linda: (Climbing into front seat and stretching across parents’ laps) There’s no room back there. (Father mutters to himself)

Mother: Stop mumbling, Brian. You’re always saying we should spend more time getting Closer to each other.

Linda: (Looking up at father) And we can’t get much closer than this.

ARE WE THERE YET? Adam Wardell

A Intro

B Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking so please stop the car!

C We packed the car for our holiday, Filled to the brim now, we dri-ve away The kitchen sink and the family pet Now the first question “Are we there yet?”

D Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking so please stop the car!

E In summer we go out to the beach My water bottle’s just out of reach I feel my ear-drums start to steam Dad keeps on going, guess no ice-cream

F Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking so please stop the car!

G If I have to tell you kids again there’ll be trouble So leave your sister alone If you lot don’t stop that back there I’ll let you out To walk home on your own

H Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking so please stop the car!

I My dad sits in the drivers seat My brother beside me, with smelly feet My mum is directing us where to go Where will we end up no-one will know

J Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking so please stop the car!

K Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking, Yes I’m gonna keep on asking,

Yes I’m gonna keep on asking So please stop the car!

MURDER AT YE OLDE SCOUT HALL - PART A David Spencer

(Lights come up on old fashioned mic stands across tabs with a special effects table on prompt side. As each character says his part he changes hat or wig or moustache to suit character. All are reading from folders and glare at sfx man whenever a sound effect is required. Compare stands at mic closest to op.)

Compare: Good evening Ladies and men who are gentle. This year Australian radio celebrates its 63rd year and to pay tribute to such a significant achievement it is our pleasure to present a little something for your edifi..., edifi..., for your enjoyment. I'm sure when it's over, you too will agree, that indeed it was "a very little something"! Ladies and Gentlemen, if you would kindly take your seats and put them on the chairs provided, we proudly present a 7 episode series in 2 parts, that most famous radio drama "Murder at Ye Olde Scout Hall"! (Dramatic chords from orchestra as sfx man frantically tries to copy on his toy piano)

Mrs. Skip: (in thick American accent) Gosh Detective Slugger will you ever find out who killed my devoted husband and Scout Troop Leader, Mister Skip? -

Compare: This of course, is an AUSTRALIAN adaptation of a similar American series (glares at Mrs. Skip)

Mrs. Skip: (in thick Aussie accent) Gees Detective Slugger do ya reckon you'll catch the bludger who bumped off me hubby?

Slugger: Well Mrs. Skip you've got two chances, none and me.

Mrs. Skip: I think I'd rather take none. But hark, who is that coming? (Sfx door opening and closing)

Slugger: Wait a minute, there are no doors on tents. We are meant to be in a fictitious campsite. (Sfx produces a huge zipper and makes like the opening and closing of a tent) Thank you, that's better.

Mrs. Skip: Why it’s none other than… damn, I’ve lost my page…

Slugger: That's a funny name!

Mrs. Skip: Oh yes, here I am… It’s Scott Handsome of the Currawong Patrol. Hi Scott. (Sfx whenever Scott is mentioned thunderous applause follows him, which the rest of the cast become quite irate about)

Scott: Hi Mrs. Skip. Hello Detective Slugger. But tell me Mrs. Skip, what are you doing here at the fictitious campsite, the fictitious scene of your fictitious husband's and our troop leader's fictitious murder. I mean, this is no place for a young lady -- let alone an old bag like you.

Slugger: I say, kindly remember your place.

Scott: Bottom of page three

Slugger: That’s not very funny. Scott: Nor was page two. (Sfx villain - type piano chords)

Mrs Skip: Must be time for someone's entry.

Compare: Yes, it was Assistant Scout Leader Dirk Dastardly, the man who wanted command of the Scout Troop more than an open order at the Scout Shop. And now with Mr Skip gone, nothing could stand in his way. (Sfx door opening and closing, realising he has made a mistake he quickly zips and unzips zipper) As Dirk entered a thunderous clap was heard. (Sfx thunder followed by applause)

Scott: What a terrible storm.

Mrs Skip: Yes, sound effects aren't what they used to be.

Slugger: Well, Dirk Dastardly, what are you doing here?

Dirk: (like a pirate) At my auditions last February the Producer said this was one of the performance nights.

Mrs Skip: No, what he means is: Why are you returning to the fictitious scene of the fictitious crime?

Dirk: (taking out a roll of money) I've come to pay me last respects ... five, ten, fifteen, twenty etc. (Each time this character speaks he produces an eye patch which goes on the wrong eye each time)

Scott: I say Detective Slugger, what's this approaching?

Slugger: It's approaching the ridiculous at this stage, No actually it's a bird ...

Mrs Skip: No, it's a plane... (Sfx seagulls, then falling object whistle, then raspberry)

Slugger: No, it's definitely a bird. In fact a messenger pigeon.

Dirk: What's that tied to its feet?

Scott: A messenger. Gosh you look so old ... your hair has turned white.

Messenger: (OLD MAN'S VOICE) Well, if you'd been tied under a Pigeon for two days...

Slugger: That is a very old and unpleasant joke.

Messenger: It was a very old and unpleasant pigeon.

Compare: Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in time I would like to point out that Mr ...... is playing both the parts of Assistant Scout Leader Dirk Dastardly and the Messenger. In the theatre we call this great versatility, in Gang Show we call this enormous economy

Messenger: Two days I've been aloft, through storm and tempest flew. The wind blew upon my old grey head, the rain rained on it, the snow fell upon it, and the pigeon.

Slugger: Go on. Messenger: Flew onwards sir.

Mrs Skip: But what of the message?

Messenger: I dropped it. But not to worry, I remembered it. It said if you want to find Mister Skip's murderer you must travel to Sydney at once.

Scott: Oh Capital

Messenger: No, that's Canberra.

Compare: And so our intrepid travellers set about finding a tour guide to accompany them to Sydney.

Scott: (very barber shop quartet-ish) Whilst I was strolling through the Mrs Skip: park one day; one day in the merry, merry month of May; of May... & Wong:

Mrs Skip: That's fine, we needed a tenor. You'll fit in nice to our accompaniment. Oh, by the way, do you know the way to Sydney?

Wong: Ah-so as Pigeon flies?

Slugger: No thank you. White hair doesn't suit me. Anyway good man, what is your name?

Wong: I am a Wong.

Slugger: Well have another guess.

Wong: Wong is name and this is brother Ah-Wong.

Ah-Wong: Ah-so.

Compare: And so our intrepid travellers set forth ... (All cast hold up large cut-outs of a number 4 and begin to walk off stage) ... into the jungle... (Sfx various pigmy and jungle noises) ... nine souls on a mission to...

Slugger: Wait a minute.

Compare: What?

Slugger: Nine souls? There's only six of us!

Compare: No, there's not.

Slugger: Yes there is. There's Detective Slugger ... (Counting on his fingers)

Mrs Skip: Mrs Skip...

Scott: Scott Handsome... (Sfx applause etc)

Dirk: Dirk Dastardly... (Boos etc) Wong: Wong ...

Ah-Wong: And blother.

Messenger: The messenger.

Slugger: Hold on, why does the messenger, go? He's done his bit, he's finished.

Compare: (beckons slugger down stage) Because the management signed him up for at least ten episodes.

Slugger: O.K then the messenger, that's seven. (Sfx begins to cough loudly) Oh no ... not him too!

Compare: Well of course you can't go into the jungle without special effects. Who's going to do all the monkey noises and the parrots and stuff?

Slugger: Alright, alright special effects... that's only eight where did you get nine from?

Compare: (smiling very sweetly) let’s see how far you get without a narrator!

Slugger: Well why don't you ask the whole flamin' audience to come along...

Compare: Well ladies and gentlemen, what are you doing for the next three days?

Slugger: Never mind, get on with it.

Compare: As I was saying... nine souls into the jungle, nine souls into a perilous pit from which only ten would survive. Three days later the jungle was behind us, in Front of us and all around us… then our food ran out! (SFX RUNS OFF STAGE SHOUTING "come back Food'')

Mrs Skip: Oh what will we do Detective Slugger?

Scott: Don't worry Mrs Skip, my Scout ingenuity will deliver us from this dilemma. (Sfx wild hysterical type laughter)

Slugger: Let's light a fire.

Messenger: What good will that do?

Slugger: I don't know, but they always do it in the Tarzan movies.

Mrs Skip: But we have no matches.

Slugger: Well rub the two Chinamen together.

Wong: Ah-so, it will not work.

Slugger: Why?

Wong: Because two wongs don’t make a light!

Compare: Is this the end for our hero and heroine? How can they escape the clutches of the Lane Cave State Recreation Park? Will the cavalry reach the beleaguered fort in time? Can Neville Wran cross Sydney Harbour in a paddle boat without sinking to the bottom of the harbour? And will Marty, the Wonder Horse, save his little master from the clutches of Peterkin, the wombat strangler? Is Government House really up far, auction? And will the mad professor pull the trigger before the aardvarks reach Centre point Tower? Well you'll find the answers to none of these questions after interval in part two of "Murder at Ye Olde Scout Hall".

Slugger: Doesn't he go on?

(Sfx wild applause)

THE VILLAGE PEOPLE

YMCA J. Morali, H. Belolo & V. Willis

A Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town There's no need to be unhappy.

B Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find Many ways to have a good time.

C It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. They have everything for young men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys ...

D It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, You can do whatever you feel ...

E No man, does it all by himself I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf And just go there to the y-m-c-a I’m sure they can help you today

F It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. They have everything for young men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys ...

G It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, You can do whatever you feel ...

GO WEST J. Morali, H. Belolo & V. Willis

H (Together) We will go our way (Together) We will leave someday (Together) Your hand in my hands (Together) We will make our plans

I (Together) We will fly so high (Together) Tell all our friends goodbye (Together) We will start life new

(Together) This is what we'll do

J (Go West) Life is peaceful there (Go West) In the open air (Go West) Where the skies are blue (Go West) This is what we're gonna do

K (Go West) Sun in wintertime (Go West) We will do just fine (Go West) Where the skies are blue (Go West, this is what we're gonna do)

MACHO MAN J. Morali, H. Belolo, V. Willis & P. Whitehead

L Every man wants to be a macho macho man to have the kind of body, always in demand Jogging in the mornings, go man go works out in the health spa, muscles glow You can best believe that, he's a macho man ready to get down with, anyone he can

M Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Macho, macho man (macho man) I've got to be, a macho man Macho, macho man I've got to be a macho! (Ow)

N Macho, macho man I've got to be, a macho man Macho, macho man (yeah, yeah) I've got to be a macho!

O Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Macho, macho man (macho man) I've got to be, a macho man Macho, macho man I've got to be a macho!

IN THE NAVY J. Morali, H. Belolo & V. Willis

P Where can you find pleasure Search the world for treasure Learn science technology Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true On the land or on the sea Where can you learn to fly Play in sports and skin dive Study oceanography Sign of for the big band Or sit in the grandstand

When your team and others meet

Q In the navy Yes, you can sail the seven seas In the navy Yes, you can put your mind at ease In the navy Come on now, people, make a stand In the navy, in the navy Can't you see we need a hand In the navy Come on, protect the motherland In the navy Come on and join your fellow man In the navy Come on people, and make a stand In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

R They want you, they want you They want you as a new recruit They want you, they want you They want you as a new recruit

CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC J Morali, H Belolo, P. Hurtt & B. Whitehead

S Everyone you meet, the children in the street are swayin' to the rhythm, there's somethin' movin' in them. There's no place to hide, so, why even try? Can't you hear it coming your way, it's here to stay. Music in our walk, music when we talk. It's really something magic, to lose it would be tragic. Can't you feel the sound movin' through the ground? Music makes the world go around.

T You can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music. Take the cold from snow, tell the trees, don't grow, tell the wind, don't blow, 'cause it's easier. No, you can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music. Take the spark from love, make the rain fall up 'cause that's easier to do.

U You can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music. Take the heat from flame, try not feeling pain, though you try in vain it's much easier. No, you can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music. Change the master plan, take the hope from man 'cause that's easier to do.

MILKSHAKE J. Morali, H. Belolo & V. Willis

V When they come home (when they come ho-o-ome) from school (alright) And they want something that's cold to drink (co-old to dri-ink) Vitality (vitality), they need (they need) They also want something good and sweet (good and sweet) Just get a glass (just get a gla-ass) of milk (of mi-ilk) You see it's not very hard to make (not very hard to make) Add some ice cream (some ice cream) and blend (yeah-eah) You will have yourself a great milkshake (a grea-eat milksha-ake)

W Do the shake (do the shake), do the sha-a-ake (do the shake) Do the milkshake, the milkshake (do the shake) Do the shake (do the shake), do the shake (do the shake) Do the milkshake, the milkshake (do the shake), yeah

THE WEDDING

PARTING OF THE WAYS Ralph Reader

(Two young scouts enter and walk about four paces behind each other across the stage. A scout leader enters from the opposite side; he crosses behind. He looks at them and sees something is wrong. Then he shouts at them….)

S.L: Wait a minute! (The two boys stop) What’s going on? Come on you two, back pedal! (the scouts, still looking offstage, back up and come close to the S.L) Right Turn! (They slowly turn to face the audience and we see each one has a very prominent black eye) Have you two been fighting? (They both slowly nod together). You two Fighting? The inseparable twins? You two we thought were Peter and Paul, Faithful and Hopeful…

Paul: Buzz and Woody!

S.L: Alright, out with it, what happened? What’s the matter?

Paul: As far as I’m concerned, nothing’s the matter. Not with ME anyway.

Bob: Not with YOU? You’ve been goofy eyed, drooly mouthed and sloppy-looking ever since last Thursday night, AND YOU KNOW WHTA HAPPENED LAST THURSDAY NIGHT!

S.L: Do you mind telling me, what happened last Thursday night?

Bob: He met Paula Smithers. Paula Smithers and he’s been up the creek ever since.

S.L: Do YOU like Paula Smithers ?

Bob: I hate her she’s a girl

S.L: She can’t help that.

Bob: But he can. He ditched me to go out with a female. You call that loyalty? I’ve been his friend ever since we were boys.

S.L: That must have been a long time ago.

Bob: We played football together; we went to the movies together; we went to scouts together, and we use to play knock and run together.

S.L: And now?

Bob: He’s left me. I’ve been cast off like a dirty shirt. I’ve been thrown away like an old boot. Just because he’s gone cross eyed looking at Paula Smithers.

Paul: Well I LIKE looking at Paula Smithers. She’s a girl.

Bob: So What?

Paul: I’m a boy.

Bob: And that means you can’t look at me anymore?

Paul: I can if I have to. But that’s different. When I look at you I see football and goalposts – but when I look at her – I smell flowers.

Bob: You SMELL! Full stop!

Paul: Thank you very much.

S.L: (Getting in between the two boys and separating them) You know this is a sad, sad state of affairs. Love comes to us all at times and when it comes you never know what it is going to do.

Bob: Well you can see what its done to HIM.

Paul: Just you wait, mate. Just wait until you get the urge. You’ll be walking along the street kicking a tin or something and then – WHAM- it’ll happen!

Bob: Yeah, the in will go right through a shop window! I’ve heard what women can do to you. Cleopatra; Helen of Troy. They poison you or have you beheaded.

Paul: Maybe, but you have a lot of fun before you die.

Bob: I have fun in my life – or I did until last Thursday. But I can take it. From now on – it’s all over. I shall just – start again.

S.L: Well said, young man, well said. And I wish you the best of luck.

(At that moment, a girl guide enters. She crosses in front of them, then stops, and looks at two, smiles at him, then exits.)

Bob: Like I told you – (He is looking off where the Guide made her exit and is obviously smitten) like I said – I can take it. From now on – I’m- er- I’m going to start again.

(He dashes off to catch up with the Guide.)

Paul: Now how about that! After all he said- he’s the same as everybody else. Did you see what she did? She looked at him – she smiled- he’s a goner.

S.L: I think that’s about the best thing that could of happened.

(Bob returns. He is looking offstage where he made his exit and should not look round as he backs towards the two standing centre stage.)

S.L: Well did you fix up a date? Did you get her name and address? Are you all set?

(He looks around slowly and we see his other eye is blackened.)

THE PHONE CALL Ralph Reader

(The scene is two hallways of two different houses. Apparently it is the pre arranged time for Paul to ring his girlfriend Paula but as the arrangement is not known to either of their parents, both are anxious to be unobserved. Paula enters, looks back, and then dials a number. As the phone rings in the other house, Paul darts forward quickly to pick up the receiver so that it doesn’t ring too long.)

Paula: Hello?

Paul: Is that you?

Paula: Yes, it’s me. Is that you?

Paul: Yeah. I said I’d ring didn’t I? I have to speak quietly because Mum and Dad are in the other room.

Paula: Is was a nice Scout and Guide dance on Thursday night, wasn’t it?

Paul: Super. I liked the going home the best bit. That was the nicest part – walking home with you.

Paula: The best bit was when we said goodnight.

Paul: You didn’t mind, did you?

Paula: No. Did you?

Paul: No. NO!

Paula: Did your Dad say anything because you got in late.

Paul: No-but even if he did it was worth it. Before I went into my house I watched you walking all the way down the road. Did it take you long to get home? Paula…

Paula: What?

Paul: I’ve never had a girl take me home before!

(At the moment, Paul’s mother enters and sees him on the phone.)

Mother: Who’s on the phone, darling? Bob?

Paul: (having been startled by her entrance) Yeah, that’s right, Bob. (Into phone) BOB!! I’ll have to hang up now BOB. You know how it is, don’t you, BOB?

Paula: BOB? Did you say Bob? Who’s Bob? What do you mean?

Paul: You understand, don’t you, BOB? (to Mother) Bob is kidding. (in the phone) You make me laugh, Bob. HA, Ha. You’re a comic!

(During the last conversation, Linda’s father has entered. She suddenly see him)

Paula: Hello, Dad! Oh, er, er Cindy! CINDY! (Colin reacts violently) I think your new hairstyle is fabulous. I saw all the boys trying to dance with you.

Paul: (jumping up) You saw WHAT?

Paula: You didn’t see me but I saw you and Jimmy Tasker kissing.

Paul: Jimmy Tasker kissing me? ME? He was doing WHAT?

Paula: Don’t shout, I can hear you quite plainly.

Father: So could I. She sounded as though she had a cold. You girls (he exits)

Mother: Is Bob playing in the football game on Saturday, dear? Ask him.

Paul: AYE!!!!

Mother: Ask him!

Paul: (slowly and deliberately) Are you playing in the football game on Saturday, BOB? I mean –

Mother: Tell him he left his underwear here – they were so filthy, but I’ve washed them so they’ll be ready for Saturday. You can take them over to him.

Paul: Mother says I can bring your –er- what’s it’s names over.

Paula: My WHAT?

Paul: It’s all right, I can explain. Mum’s washed them!

Paula: Washed them!

Mother: Let me speak to Bob.

Paul: No! Mother, NO!

(He does his best to avoid this. Meanwhile, Paula’s Father enters.)

Father: Are you still speaking to Cindy – I want to talk to her.

(He takes the phone despite her protests.)

Mother: Now, don’t be silly, dear. I want to ask Bob something! (She finally takes the phone) Bob? Is that you, dear?

Father: Dear? Bob? This is Horrace Smithers, speaking. Who is that?

Mother: (to Paul) Why didn’t you tell me it was Mr Smithers you’ve been talking to. (into phone) Forgive me, Mr Smithers, this is Mrs Hastings. We’re both on the parents committee, remember? I hope you are well.

Father: Very fit, thanks. I trust you and Mr Hastings are well. You must come over for a barbeque sometime.

Mother: We’d be delighted. There was a slight misunderstanding about who my son was chatting to. I wasn’t referring to YOUR underwear!

Father: That’s quite all right. I-what did you say? My UNDERWEAR?

Mother: Yes, I washed them.

Father: You what?

Mother: Oh dear- no- not yours. Somebody else’s. So nice to have talked to you, Mr Smithers. (She puts the phone down on the table). Darling, you must be more lucid in your conversation – at times you are quite evasive. I didn’t know – oh dear – I don’t know! It must have been that wine.

(She is quite flustered as she exits.)

Father: The woman’s mad!

WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE M. Levy

A Intro

B Why do birds sing so gay Lovers await the break of day Why do they fall in love Why does the rain fall from up above Why do fools fall in love Why do they fall in love

C Why do birds sing so gay Lovers await the break of day Why do they fall in love Why does the rain fall from up above Why do fools fall in love Why do they fall in love

HEY PAULA Ray Hildebrand D Intro

E Hey hey Paula, I wanna marry you. Hey hey Paula, no one else could ever do. I’ve waited so long for school to be through, Paula, I can wait no more for you, My love, my love.

F Hey Paul, I’ve been waiting for you. Hey hey Paul, I wanna marry you too. If you love me true, if you love me still, Our love will always be real, My love my love.

PERFECT DAY Words: Peter McGinn

G My shots will make you look Far Better than you are I do colour, black and white And twenty hours should be just right. I’m sure to catch those private moments in the car.

H A masterpiece I’ll make It’s too good to call a cake.

I We’ll comb and tease your hair. We’ll give it lift and flair Just spend three hours with me And my team And you will look like a dream

J Now would you like a rose Daisy is cheaper, I suppose.

K Lap round the block or two Planned arrival, ten past two.

L You’re not exactly slight And a problem is the height We can construct it using skill And all our guile. With a long and flowing train That might prove to be a pain But you’ll shine as you’re Marching, um, floating, down the aisle.

M It will be a sheer delight Everything will be just right You know you will have to pay But we can sell you the perfect day.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED Greg Macainsh

O Intro

P All my friends are getting married Yes, they’re all growing old They’re all stayin home on the weekends They’re all doin what they’re told.

Q All my friends are getting married Yes, they’re all growing old They’re all stayin home on the weekends They’re all doin what they’re told.

CHAPEL OF LOVE Jeff Barry, Ellie Greenwich and Phil Spector R Intro

S Goin’ to the chapel And we’re gonna get ma-a-arried Goin’ to the chapel And we’re gonna get ma-a-arried Gee, I really love you And we’re gonna get ma-a-arried Goin’ to the chapel of love.

T Spring is here, the-e-e sky is blue, whoa-oh-oh, Birds all sing as if they knew Today’s the day we’ll say “I do” And we’ll never be lonely any more

U Bells will ring, the-e-e sun will shine, whoa-oh-oh I’ll be his and he’ll be mine We’ll love until the end of time And we’ll never be lonely anymore. Because we’re

V Goin’ to the chapel And we’re gonna get ma-a-arried Goin’ to the chapel And we’re gonna get ma-a-arried Gee, I really love you And we’re gonna get ma-a-arried Goin’ to the chapel of love.

ALWAYS Irving Berlin

W Instrumental Verse

X I’ll be loving you always, With a love that’s true, always. When the things you’ve planned Need a helping hand, I will understand always, always. Days may not be fair always, That’s when I’ll be there, always;

Not for just an hour, not for just a day, Not for just a year, But always.

WHEN I’M SIXTY- FOUR John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Y Intro

Z When I get older losing my hair Many years from now Will you still be sending me a valentine Birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I’d be out till quarter to three Would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me When I’m sixty-four?

AA When I get older losing my hair Many years from now Will you still be sending me a valentine Birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I’d be out till quarter to three Would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me When I’m sixty-four?

BB Play out

WASH PARADE By Norman Gilbert.

Compare: Folks, one of the true joys of Scouting is to rise up early in the morning at camp and head down to the creek for the wash parade. In mid-winter this joy becomes a test of manhood. Let us look in on a Scout camp and join a Patrol of Scouts lined up at the creek for the morning ritual of the Wash Parade.

(Scouts Enter Yawning And Shivering, They Look Reluctantly At The Creek In Front Of Them. Eventually Brad Speaks,)

Brad: It's too bloomin' chilly, this is looney tunes. I'm goin' back to my flea bag.

Skeeta: You better not Brad, Budgie said that everybody has gotta have a bath first thing.

Brad: I’d have a bath if somebody’d run some hot water in it

Bill: If you don't have your bath, you'll be in hot water,

Brad: Why isn't Budgie down here with us? He's s'posed to be our role model.

Devon: Don't be mad. I bet he's still in the sack cuddlin' his hot water bottle.

Skeeter: I wish I was still in bed cuddlin' something -- and I don't mean a hot water bottle,

Warren: What are you goin' on about?

Skeeter: I’d like to be cuddling Delta Goodrem

Johno: You wish.

Warren: My knee caps have cracked from banging together

Brad: That aint the only thing about you that's cracked. It's ridickilus bein' stripped down to togs in such freezing weather

Bill: You can't have a bath with your clothes on, bird brain.

Brad: The type of bath I have I sure can,

Warren: Do you reckon Budgie has a bird bath?

Skeeta: Bound to. After this I could get a job sellin' icy poles to polar bears

Barry: I'm glad I'm not a brass monkey.

Bill: (Falsetto voice.) I Think I’ve just become one.

Skeeta: Hear that rattle?

Warren: I can't hear no rattle.

Skeeta: It's me brains jumpin' up and down inside me head to keep warm.

Warren: I still can’t hear no rattle.

Johno: Hey Teddy, you’ve got the wrapper still on your soap.

Teddy: I know. It’s an old dodge. The soap lasts longer that way. Well I’m no squib, I’m going in for a dip. (Teddy Like The Rest Of Them, Has A Towel Wrapped Around His Waist Disappears Side-Stage. His Towel Is Flung Back On Stage. Splash Sfx)

Bill: Look fellers, Teddy’s got nuthin on… not even a pair of togs!

Skeeta: Blow me down! That’s the first time I’ve seen our Teddy bare!

GNOMES Adapted from original material by Peter McElhinney, Jim Ponsford, Trevor Thwaites

(Scene open with 8 gnomes sitting on toad stools and 2 standing - Tootsie & Grimble – motionless on stage when Cecilia enters dragging huge rag doll and carrying bag or blocks – goes to fishing gnome and puts a knot in his line then puts bag of blocks into bucket. Takes gardening gnomes spade apart then exits.)

Jacko: She’s gone

Gilbert: If that little so and so sticks one more of her dead goldfish on the end of my line…

All Sing: We are gnomes and we protest We’ve got a job we all detest Night after night we huddle together Sitting on our toadstools in all kinds of weather

Gilbert: With me little rod and line, you will see me sitting there Casting out a fly or two with an independent air But I’ll cast ‘til kingdom come and I’ll never ever, ever hook it What sort of fish d’you think I’d catch in an empty plastic bucket?

(Returns to toadstool, picks up his bucket and falls over)

Eddie: (looking up from his book) Why do you keep falling over?

Gilbert: (struggling back onto toadstool) It’s me bucket.

Eddie: I thought you said it was empty

Gilbert: It is usually, but that little perisher keeps putting her blocks in it. I know what I’d like to do with her blocks.

All Sing: We are gnomes and we protest We’ve got a job we all detest Night after night we huddle together Sitting on our toadstools in all kinds of weather

Pat: You may ask a simple question, is my sewing any use? Well it is, and here’s the reason and it’s not jus an excuse Feeding eight is very hard and we’re near the old bread line I’m saving on the budget ‘cos a stitch in time saves nine

Jacko: Eight. You can’t count

Pat: I beg your pardon?

Jacko: You said a stitch in time saves nine, well there’s only eight of us

Tootsie: What’s the bread line? I’ve never seen any bread

Gilbert: I’ve started nibbling me toadstool

Jacko: It’ll give you spots.

All Sing: We are gnomes and we protest We’ve got a job we all detest Night after night we huddle together Sitting on our toadstools in all kinds of weather

Ben: With me little spade and trowel, digging here and digging there With me little hoe and fork, digging anywhere I dare Now an ornamental pond’s my ambition to begin But every time I dig a hole someone goes and fills it in

Jacko: Don’t look at me. I can’t help it if he keeps losing his holes. The dog next door does a better job than him.

Pat: I had a nasty experience with the dog next door.

Tootsie: He Didn’t

Pat: No he didn’t, but he kept burying me in that border over there

Jacko: So! And who was the silly fool who kept finding you?

All Sing: We are gnomes and we protest We’ve got a job we all detest Night after night we huddle together Sitting on our toadstools in all kinds of weather

Daisy: I sit on my little pot and it’s not a lot I’ve got Sitting in continual rainfall till me bulbs begin to rot For me daffodils won’t flower and me pansy’s lost its power And me Annual Floribunda’s getting wilder by the hour

Eddie: Are you organic?

Daisy: No I’m plastic like the rest of you

Eddie: I mean do you use chemicals or natural fertilizers?

Jacko: I think it’s the dog next door

All Sing: We are gnomes and we protest We’ve got a job we all detest Night after night we huddle together Sitting on our toadstools in all kinds of weather

(Gnomes all freeze Nigel and Cyril enter playing with a large colourful ball)

Nigel: Oh, good watch Cyril

Cyril: What a nice throw… Careful of the gnomes

Nigel: Don’t let it go in the bucket

(Cecilia enters p carrying a large, dressed doll she wants to play and drops the doll DS Prompt and proceeds to force her way into the game. The boys do not want this and try to avoid it by playing piggy in the middle)

Cecilia: Let me play or I’ll tell mum

Cyril: Go away, were having fun

Nigel: I don’t want to play with a girl

Cecilia: I’ll hit you if you don’t let me play… Get out of it Nigel

Cyril: Stop her getting it

Nigel: Don’t push you bully

Cyril: Cecilia, leave him alone

Cecilia: You’d better play (make sure ball goes in flower bed at least once)

(Nigel sulks at not being able to play discovers the doll and dresses Grimble in the dolls clothes. Other two throw ball around hitting gnomes)

Cyril: Cecilia! Be careful of the gnomes

Cecilia: Who cares about those dumb old statues?

Cyril: Stop being rough

Cecilia: If you don’t stop whining I’ll hit you

Cyril: Watch the ball

Cecilia: It’s only an ugly garden gnome

(As soon as Grimble is dressed mothers voice is heard offstage)

Mother: Children come inside now

Cyril: Oh Good! Now I can get away from you… Come on Nigel lets eat.

Mother: Cecilia, Nigel, Cyril! Hurry up tea is ready

Cecilia: (Notices what Nigel has done) Nigel! Take my dolls clothes off that creepy little thing.

Nigel: Sorry can’t, we got to go.

Cecilia: You wait till I get my hands on you…you…you… BOY!

(Nigel & Cyril exit Cecilia goes to undress Grimble)

Mother: Cecilia, come this instant, your tea is getting cold

Cecilia: OOOOOHHH!!

Grimble: (breaking pose, and evaluating himself, getting angrier) Look at me! (Other gnomes break poses) What kind of gnome do they think I am? That’s it, this is the last straw! Something must be done!

Gilbert: You’re absolutely right Grimble. Did you hear what that obnoxious loud- mouthed excuse for a girl said about us?

Ben: Yeah, she’s the worst!

Eddie: And she doesn’t care where she throws that ball

Jacko: That’s true; it even went into our lovely flowerbed

Gilbert: It’s time we stood up for our rights, we should strike

Jacko: Who’d notice we don’t exactly move much, do we?

Grimble: Our shop steward should do something for a change (pause) Anyway who is it? (All think and turn to Eddie, He notices)

Eddie: Oh I do believe I heard my missus calling. I’ll see you all later

Jacko: Not so fast Brother Eddie – Justly elected Union Representative

Eddie: Ah yeah! Um err, that was a long time ago, um err, brothers (stands on toadstool)

Jacko: I think you better do something Eddie

Eddie: Thank you brother Jacko for your helpful advice… …all right, I’ll put it to the rank and file, if somebody gets them

(Ben, Pat & Tootsie exit with comments)

Ben: Come on brothers, we’re having a meeting

Pat: Stop work, all welcome

Tootsie: Its time to stand up for ourselves

(Gnomes enter form both sides carrying placards)

Gilbert: Well Eddie, what are you going to do?

Eddie: We’ll impose work bans!

Jacko: But we don’t work!

Eddie: All right we’ll get a petition

Gilbert: That’s action (incredulous)

Eddie: OK brothers, let’s have your name and address

Grimble: I’m here!

Jacko: No idiot, name and address not gnome in a dress

Grimble: Oh

Gilbert: This is hopeless! (Pushes Eddie off and takes over toadstool) Brothers! Are we going to take tis treatment any longer?

All: NO

Gilbert: Are we going to be pushed around by pimply little brats anymore?

All: NO NO NO

Gilbert: Its time to act! Are we going to let them think of us as mere garden objects, at the mercy of the cold, heat, wind, rain, and low flying pigeons?

All: No! No! No! No! (Into chant for start of Gnome Rule song)

Gnomes Revolting Words: Jim Ponsford Music: Trevor Thwaites

A No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

B We’ve had enough, we’ve had it up to here We’ll tolerate no more abuse and fear For all the gnomes are gathering From gardens far and wide To join the revolution side by side.

C Join the revolution brothers Gnome rule for gnomes is the cry Join me in the revolution Our cause is just, our need is must, Aye, Aye

D Join the march for freedom brothers Hold your heads and banners way up high Join me in the march for freedom So whadoyah say, (so) whadoyah say?, Aye, Aye

E Our demands are very simple as you’ll see We have suffered more than most you must agree For instance, take a look at us with all our flaky paint It makes us look disgusting which, in fact we really aint So gather round and listen as we tell of our complaint Side by side, side by side, side by side.

F Just look at brother Grimble will yah Dressed up like my dear old aunt Mill Fancy hat and skirt and blouse So whadoyah say, (so) whadoyah say Fwit fwill (wolf whistle)

G It causes us a lot of deep distress To see poor Grimble decked out in a dress And as for poor old Gilbert whom we’re very very fond Who’s spent his lifetime fishing in an empty site A jokes a joke, we all agree, but this has gone far beyond Side by side, side by side, side by side

H Join the revolution brothers Gnome rule for gnomes is the cry Join me in the revolution Our cause is just, our need is must, Aye, Aye

I Join the march for freedom brothers Hold your heads and banners way up high Join me in the march for freedom So whadoyah say, (so) whadoyah say, Aye, Aye Hooray, Hooray, Hooray!

MY MOTHER SAID Rob Lang & Mark Fisher

A Intro

B You may think we are little angels (Little Angels) But Little Angels we are not by far (Not by far) Our Mothers found a word that best describes us (But that’s a no no) So here’s the word that tells you what we are (Just what we are)

C I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

D I get up at the crack of dawn and play with Brother Vince We go swimming in the drain and climbing on the fence And when it’s time for breakfast I take him for a run But Mum goes crazy ‘cause my Brother Vince is only one

E I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

F The cat was looking dirty so I took him for a wash The only thin he couldn’t swim but went down with a splosh I knew that I could save him if I got him out in time So I stopped the washing cycle and put him on spin dry

H I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

I The other day my sister she was getting in my way So I found her something that would keep her occupied all day Me mum got pretty worried cause they thought she’d wandered south But they found her in the cupboard with a hankie in her mouth

J I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

K My Dad has got a Commodore He thinks it’s pretty neat He polishes the dipstick and he waxes all the seats I tried to help but he got mad and gave me such a spank All I did was grab the hose and wash out the petrol tank.

L I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

M I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

N Playout

MR X SINGS AGAIN Rob Lang & Adam Wardell

(Singer in a dinner suit moves to a mic stand CS in a grand manner. He starts his introduction with big echo effect on which breaks, leaking him quiet. After a few words he realizes, and looks to the Stage Manager for help. He smiles and apologises to the audience for the mix-up. He then moves to P wing where he is given a Mic on a lead. He takes a couple of steps before the Mic lead is pulled back. He struggles to pull the lead across the stage. Continuing off OP side and magically reappearing on the P side only to be pulled back diving back on the op side. He finally places the mic in the stand apologises and prepares to sing.)

Singer: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen (Mic Stand starts to creep down) After a rather unfortunate start earlier, I am determined to sing for you tonight, If it’s the last thing I do.

Drunk: (from front row) Excuse me sir do you have a telephone?

Singer: No sorry, there is no telephone here. Now where was I? (Double take. The Mic stand is at knee height. He looks around and readjusts the Mic stand. It drops again and the singer drops to his knees with it) As I was saying, it is my pleasure to sing for you all tonight. (Readjusting the Mic stand) a classic song. Here in this lovely theatre (Mic drops as singers attention is diverted) and with this lovely orchestra (drops again) I’m sure you will…(He stares at the Mic, looks around and quickly focuses back on the Mic stand catching it falling. He catches on and with a smirk, beckons the Mic to come back up with his finger) Come on, come on, (Mic stand back at full height) I’m sure you will enjoy… (Mic stand collapses completely)

Singer: (now exasperated) Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to sing for you a short classic, the title of which doesn’t contain any women’s names whatsoever. Thank you, Maestro. (Arpeggio from the orchestra)

Drunk: (walks onto stage) Excuse me Sir, do you have a telephone?

Singer: No, I’m terribly sorry, I don’t have a phone – it’s out of order. Would you please leave my good man. (Drunk walks to other side of singer and taps him on the shoulder singer jumps in fright)

Drunk: Excuse me…

Singer: No, I do not have a telephone. And if you ask me again I’m going to nail your feet to the floor. (Drunk goes to leave but stops and asks singer)

Drunk: Excuse me sir

Singer: What

Drunk: Got any nails

Singer: No, I do not have any nails!

Drunk: Good. Do you have a telephone?

Singer: (Exasperated) No! There is no phone, it is broken and decidedly un-operational. It is electrically dead, defunct, disconnected and has ceased to be a communication device of any practical use. In short, I do not have a phone.

Drunk: So there’s no chance of contacting the police from here? Safe at last.

Singer: Thank-you, would you please be seated, now where was I?

Drunk: Laycock Street Theatre

Singer: My dear sir, pray tell what brings you here at this late hour.

Drunk: I’m lost

Singer: Just my luck. Do you know who I am?

Drunk: Well I never forget a face, but this time I’ll make an exception.

Singer: Are you always this annoying, or are you making a special effort today? (To audience) Ladies and Gentlemen, I must apologise for that interruption…

Drunk: I say, have you heard the latest political joke?

Singer: Heard them, I voted for them.

Drunk: My wife spent five hours at the beauty salon yesterday…

Singer: Really

Drunk: And that was just getting an estimate!! But don’t get the wrong idea, I married her for her looks …just not the ones she’s giving me lately.

Singer: I am not interested in your family.

Drunk: I should never have gotten married

Singer: Ok, I give in. Why not

Drunk: Because my wife hates me when I’m drunk and I can’t stand the sight of her when I’m sober

Singer: I’ve got an idea

Drunk: Beginners luck!

Singer: So this is a battle of wits between us?

Drunk: No, I never pick on a man that’s unarmed.

Singer: I’ll have you know my mother thinks I’m a great wit.

Drunk: Well she’s half right

Singer: You could drive a person to drink

Drunk: I know how you feel – I get drunk after one whisky

Singer: (Pause) I find that hard to believe.

Drunk: Yes I do. One whisky. Usually it’s the one after the fifteenth.

Singer: You should see a doctor.

Drunk: I did. He gave me a check up and he said ‘I can’t tell what the problem is. I think it must be due to drinking’

Singer: Astute observation

Drunk: So I said ‘I understand Doc, I’ll come back when you’re sober’

Singer: And then what happened?

Drunk: I went back two weeks later and said ‘Well Doc how do I stand?’

Singer: What did he say?

Drunk: He said ‘I don’t know it’s a damn miracle’ And then the Doc gave me two weeks to live.

Singer: Goodness, what did you say?

Drunk: I told him I’ll take the first two weeks in December.

Singer: Really this has gone on quite long enough. Can we please get back to the music?

YOUNG TALENT TEAM Various

Johnny: Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to another exciting performance by the young talent time kids. Let me introduce them to you….(Names of lead singers- 14 in all) and also a round of applause for our YTT chorus. To get things under way here is (Name) with Sadie

SADIE R. Gilmore, J. Madara and D. White

A Intro

B Sadie, the cleaning lady With trusty scrubbing brush and pale of water Worked her fingers to the bone, for the life she had at home Providing at the same time for her daughter.

C Ahh Sadie, the cleaning lady Her aching knees not getting any younger Well her red detergent hands, have for years not held a man’s And time would find her heart in spite of hunger.

D Scrub your floors, do your chores, dear old Sadie Looks as though you’ll always be a cleaning lady Can’t afford to get bored dear old Sadie Looks as though you’ll always be a cleaning lady.

E Ahh Sadie, the cleaning lady Her aching knees not getting any younger Well her red detergent hands, have for years not held a man’s And time would find her heart in spite of hunger.

F Ahh, Scrub your floors, do your chores, dear old Sadie Looks as though you’ll always be a cleaning lady Can’t afford to get bored dear old Sadie Looks as though you’ll always be a cleaning lady.

Johnny: That was great fella’s; moving right along we have (Names) with the SHOOP SHOOP SONG

THE SHOOP SHOOP SONG Rudy Clark

G Intro

H Does he love me, I wanna know How can I tell if he loves me so

I (is it in his eyes) Oh no, you’ll be deceived (is it in his eyes) Oh no, he’ll make you believe If you wanna know if he loves you so

It’s in his kiss (that’s where it is, oh yeah)

J (or is it in his face) Oh no, it’s just his charm (in his one embrace) Oh no, that’s just his arm If you wanna know if he loves you so It’s in his kiss (that’s where it is) Oh no, it’s in his kiss (that’s where it is)

K Oh oh oh, kiss him and squeeze him tight And find out what you wanna know If it’s love, if it really is It’s there in his kiss

L (how ‘bout the way he acts) Oh no, that’s not the way And you’re not listenin’ to all I say If you wanna know if he loves you so It’s in his kiss (that’s where it is) Oh yeah, it’s in his kiss (that’s where it is)

Johnny: Thank you girls; I think I better get out of the way…. Here’s (names) with the Push bike song

THE PUSHBIKE SONG Idris and Evan Jones

M Intro

N Ridin’ along on a pushbike, honey, When I noticed you. Ridin’ downtown in a hurry, honey, Down South Avenue.

O You looked so pretty as you were ridin’ along. You looked so pretty as you were singing this song.

P A-round,round, wheels goin’ round round round. Down up pedals, down up down. But I gotta get across to the other side of town, Before the sun goes down. Hey, hey!

Q You looked so pretty as you were ridin’ along. You looked so pretty as you were singing this song.

R A-round,round, wheels goin’ round round round. Down up pedals, down up down. But I gotta get across to the other side of town, Before the sun goes down. Hey, hey!

Johnny: (in audience) I think it’s safer out here. (speaking one on one to audience members) Are you enjoying the show…… What’s your name and how old are you….etc Next is (Names)… here they come…I can hear the train

LOCOMTION G. King and G. Goffin S Intro

T Everybody’s doin’ a brand new dance, now (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) I know you’ll get to like it if you give it a chance now (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) My little baby sister can do it with me; It’s easier than learning you’re A-B-C’s, So come on, come on, do the Locomotion with me. You gotta swing your hips, now. Come on baby. Jump up. Jump back. Well, now, I think you’ve got the knack.

U Now that you can do it, let’s make a chain, now. (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) A chug-a-chug-a motion like a railroad train, now. (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) Do it nice and easy, now, don’t lose control; A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul. So come on, come on, do the Locomotion with me.

V Move around the floor in a Locomotion (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) Do it holding hands if you get the notion (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) there’s never been a dance that’s so easy to do; It even makes you happy when you’re feeling blue, So come on, come on, do the Locomotion with me.

Johnny: Thanks! Singing a song is such fun- I wish the world could sing

I’D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING R. Cook, B. Davis, R Greenaway and B Backer

W Intro

X I’d like to build the world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves

Y I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony I’d like to hold it in my arms and keep it company I’d like to see the world for once All standing hand in hand And hear them echo through the hills “Ah, peace throughout the land”

Z (That’s the song I hear) I’d like to teach the world to sing (that the world sings today) In perfect harmony

AA I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony

I’d like to build the world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves

BB Dialogue

Johnny: Let’s bring back all the kids, it’s time to say goodnight

ALL MY LOVING Paul McCartney and John Lennon CC Intro

DD Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you Tomorrow I’ll miss you, Remember I’ll always be true. And then while I’m away, I’ll write home every day, And I’ll send all my loving to you.

EE I’ll pretend that I’m kissing the lips I am missing And hope that my dreams will come true. And then while I’m away, I’ll write home every day, And I’ll send all my loving to you.

FF Dialogue

Johnny: GOODNIGHT AUSTRALIA!

PERFECT PARTNERS Jeanie Wood

A Intro

B Some people say my honey is a dummy Some people say my darling is a doll But we would like to state That we’ve found the perfect mate The most fantastic dance of them all

C He’s the perfect partner the man of my dreams It’s a marriage made in heaven Let me tell you what that means He can waltz and he can jive Watch us tango man alive We’re the most fantastic dancers in the world.

D Ladies and gentlemen take your partners for the Waltz

MURDER AT YE OLDE SCOUT HALL - PART B David Spencer

Compare: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for part two of "Murder at Ye Olde Scout Hall". Here's the story so far ... well, you've been watching, you know what the story so far is; for those that haven't been watching ... tough! So let's ring up the curtain.

SFX: (sfx telephone ringing - answers it) Curtain speaking.

Compare: What's that?

SFX: A curtain call.

Mrs Skip: Oh Detective Slugger, shall we ever find Sydney? We've been in the jungle for three days now.

Messenger: Don't worry Mrs. Skip; I feel that very soon our plight will take a turn for the better.

Mrs Skip: How do you know that?

Messenger: Because I'm two pages ahead of you in the script.

Scott: Quiet, quiet. I hear something.

All: (sung) ‘‘We’re riding along on the crest of a wave and the sun is in the sky.., Ugh!"

Wong: Ah-so, what is that?

Slugger: Sounds like some native scouts.

Mrs Skip: Hello Chief, can you point us in the direction of Sydney.

Chief: (starts to mime a direction)

Compare: Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in time we would like to point out that the chief is dumb; and as we" l as being stupid, he can't speak. Having somebody who can't speak in a radio play is a pretty dumb thing to do so let's move on. Our party of adventurers ... (Everybody dons hats and whistles)... finally come across Sydney. (Fall over sfx man lying on floor) - "What are you doing Sidney"

Wong: Rook, there it is.

Slugger: Surely you recognize this place. The great ice-bergs, the penguins, the polar bears, the friendly people in their fur coats rushing out of their igloos to meet us

Mrs Skip: Why it’s Melbourne

Slugger: No it's ... (Sfx didgeridoo)

Scott: Redfern. Well now that we are here, how do we find Mr. Skip's murderer?

Messenger: We have to go to Hyde Park and look for a man. You'll find him under a tree disguised as the Chief Commissioner - don't ask me why a tree would be disguised as the Chief Commissioner. There he will give you a black box with the name of the murderer in it. (insect, birds and country noises)

Slugger: Gosh, that was quick.

Scott: Yes, we used Scouts Pace.

Slugger: What’s that?

Scott: We caught a cab.

Slugger: That’s too easy!

Scott: Yes, but the hard part is getting somebody to throw it to you.

Mrs Skip: Look over there. It's a Chief Commissioner under a tree holding a black box.

Scott: Do you think that's our contact?

Slugger: How many Chief Commissioners do you know that stand under trees in Hyde Park holding black boxes,

Scott: That’s our contact.

Slugger: Hello Chief, is that black box for us?

Compare: Ladies and gentlemen at this point in time we would like to point out that this chief is related to the last chief and is also dumb ... and can't speak.

Slugger: Gosh what shall I do?

SFX: Take the money.

All: No, take the box.

Slugger: Okay, I'll take the box. And the name of the murderer is... "Printed in Taiwan ... no… no… it’s Dirk Dastardly ".

Compare: Everyone was shocked and dismayed.

All: Shock and dismay, shock and dismay.

Mrs Skip: What did happen to Dirk - he went missing about four pages ago.

Wong: Ah-so master, he leave us when we allived at Sydney.

Messenger: But I happen to know that at this very moment Dirk Dastardly is on his way here to eliminate all of us. (Dramatic chords)

Slugger: How do you know what is going to happen before it happens all the time?

Messenger: I go out with the scriptwriter's daughter.

Slugger: Is she fun to be with.

Messenger: She has the same sense of humour as the scriptwriter.

All: (Thumbs Down) Yuck!

Mrs. Skip: Detective Slugger, Scott; what are we going to do?

Scott & Slugger: Think, think, think, think, think.

Slugger: I’ve got it.

Wong: Ah-so, try taking butter menthol with flied lice.

Slugger: No, I have a plan. Ha, ha, he will not grasp so easily through my slip. Ahh I mean he will not slip so easily through my grasp. I will set a trap for him, and when he is in my trap you know what I'll do?

Scott: Shut your trap

Slugger: I know! We'll surprise him.

Scott: How will we do that?

Slugger: We'll all hide behind the bushes, then jump out with false noses and moustaches and then sing Happy Birthday. Then, when he doesn't recognize us we'll grab him.

Mrs Skip: Inspired Detective!

Scott: Brilliant Slugger.

Messenger: What a criminal mind!

Wong: You irriots are out of your tree; he will never fall for that.

Slugger: He is an assistant Scout Leader.

Wong: It work.

Slugger: Let’s get ready. (Sfx heavy footsteps and dramatic chords)

All: Dah… Dah… Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

Dirk: Hold it. Do you think I’m really that stupid?

All: (nodding yes) No

Scott: How did you know it was us, Dirk Dastardly, was it the noses and moustache

Dirk: No it was the singing… it’s not my birthday.

Slugger: Anyway, Dirk the game is up. We know you killed Mr. Skip

Dirk: Not so fast…

Slugger: O.K. (spoken slowly) Anyway, Dirk the game is up.

Scott: Yes, Dirk Dastardly, we’re going to rip those epaulettes off your shoulders.

Dirk: Big Deal

Slugger: We’ll give you life in jail

Dirk: That doesn’t scare me

Mrs Skip: We’ll tear your warrant up

Dirk: Wowie Zowie

Slugger: You’ll get the electric chair

Dirk: I’ve had worse

Messenger: And evict you from the scouter's den.

Dirk: No anything but that

Compare: Will Dirk Dastardly ever stand trial? For that matter will he ever sit trial or kneel trial, or squat trial? Will the sun come up tomorrow and did Bob Hawke really cry on TV or was it all done with mirrors? I’m afraid we’ll never find out. The ratings have dropped and the show has been cancelled.

SINGING A SONG Peter Marriott

A Intro

B Gangshow is almost over, almost run it’s course Gangshow can’t go forever we must close the doors But here’s the consolation we can all endorse Gangshow will live in the songs we sing If you can sing along

C Singing a song just simply singing a song Will put the sun in his place You can count on it Singing along with just any old song Will put a smile on the face of everyone

D So If you’re feeling blue and Don’t know what to do Just mumble it or hum a bit You will find you’re sure to benefit

E Whistlin’s fine and so is beating in time It makes the clouds roll away. Far away from here Follow the line and you are certain to find That there’s a much brighter day for everyone

F Though you don’t need rehearsal Its appeal is universal You’ll bring sunshine when you’re singing a song.

FINALE TOGETHER Words & Music: Ralph Reader

A Introduction

B Time once again for our parting song, Time for our final bow, But as we go our separate pathways, Memories will linger on.

C Together, when we’re all together We know how lucky we are The world around us is everything, The sound of music, the songs we sing, And even in the coldest winter, The warmest summer arrives, We share together, when we’re together The best years of our lives.

THIS LAND OF AUSTRALIA Words & Music: Ken Bayly

D Introduction

E Land dormant for endless years Land woken by pioneers Strong in their quest for a new tomorrow, on they toiled 'Cross rivers and mountain range, Then over the rolling plain, building The nation we love

F This land of Australia, this land of ours Built into nationhood by bold pioneers. We pray that thy people, ever may be, A nation worthy of service to thee. Proud of their heritage thy sons may be So may their future be great and free. May truth be her watch-word, Peace be her way, That every nation may honor her name.

WHEN I’M SIXTY- FOUR John Lennon and Paul McCartney

G Intro

H When I get older losing my hair Many years from now Will you still be sending me a valentine Birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I’d be out till quarter to three

Would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me When I’m sixty-four?

MILLION AND ONE THINGS Ken Bayly

ARE WE THERE YET? Adam Wardell

J Are we there yet? Pull off the road. Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? It can’t be far I’m gonna keep on asking Yes I’m gonna keep on asking Yes I’m gonna keep on asking So please stop the car!

DIGITAL WORLD Adam Wardell K See it on the TV Hear it on a CD Everyone is now going digital Data flowing faster Living in a digital Living in a digital Living in a digital world Welcome to the digital world Everyone is now going digital.

MY MOTHER SAID Rob Lang & Mark Fisher L I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

M I am just atrocious, My Mother says I’m one I don’t know what atrocious is but gee its lots of fun

LOCOMTION G. King and G. Goffin

N Intro

O Everybody’s doin’ a brand new dance, now (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) I know you’ll get to like it if you give it a chance now (Come on baby, do the Locomotion) My little baby sister can do it with me; It’s easier than learning you’re A-B-C’s, So come on, come on, do the Locomotion with me. You gotta swing your hips, now. Come on baby. Jump up. Jump back. Well, now, I think you’ve got the knack.

Disco Tex

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS Irving Berlin

P Intro

Q There’s no business like show business Like no business I know Everything about it is appealing Everything the traffic will allow Nowhere could you have that happy feeling When you are stealing that extra bow

R There’s no people like show people They smile when they are low Yesterday they told you, you would not go far That night you opened and there you are Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star Lets get on with the show

CURTAIN

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