Jonathan Morgan___________________ A Midnight Ride on Paul’s Derriere Listen, my children, and you shall hear Suffice it to say they slunk back to their lair Of that fine tradition all Johnnies revere And Peterson echoed with their cries of despair: A Poetry Contest, in your nomenclature “How now shall we manage, O Divine Mercy, Erotic in name, and though small in stature to express our deep love for all things unseemly? Healthy and bulging with tumescent pride For sodomy, incest, and good Lady Chatterley, And like many bulges, too prominent to hide. For onanists, frotteurists, and bestiality?!? A rude, hairy Tourney of frustrated gripes Freud says that what isn’t expressed will fester! Which yet managed beauty, as Pan from his pipes. What we hold in now will be worse next semester! A contest that Johnnies created, in trust. And though we are craven and burning with lust, As a repository for their various lusts. Most average Johnnies are homier than us!” On one fine spring morning, in 2004, The editors anguished long into the night. The Dean paid a call on the Moon editors. But had they a plan, by first morning light. He asked them, with feigned nonchalance, to accompany Although it would gall them, they must take a chance, Him back to his office, and they complied readily. A crash-course in administrative song-and-dance: Then, barring his door tightly behind their backs They’d barter, cajole, beseech, threaten and stall. And tuning upon them, as if to attack, said And try to appease the Gods of Weigle Hall. “this contest up with which I will not put! And lo, they prevailed, and they made their case heard The poems themselves are but licentious smut! These gallant defenders of the four-letter word. And those pictures of co-ed! Nude photography! And so there remains, at St. John’s, an arena How will this look to our good BVG?!?” For all of your vile and sick erotica. The editors nodded, and shuffled their feet— Where you, my dear readers, you base rogues and liars, To tell what they thought then would be indiscreet; Can dress up your fantasies, deck out your desires. I shall not relate what they wanted to say In iambic meter, and cheap rhyme—and hope As one of them would like to graduate in May. That elaborate trappings will hide tired tropes. If you use pretty words—who knows?—maybe we’ll think That your flowery language covers the stink. Where else but here, friends, can you if you’re smart Turn even a dmnk One Night Stand into “art”? Adam Willson So welcome back, oh my frustrated lovers. HOW TO JUDGE AN EROTIC POETRY CONTEST You impotent, pent-up and sore little buggers Welcome, all you sadomasochistic freaks. To think: how many ways there are to hammer in­ To the contest we call Le Poesie Erotique. to a soft and fleshy, womby mind that by every stretch of tongue there is behind, a sodomy of thought - the mind’s fornication. Through a mist of love acidic, we chance do spy our hollow bones, sick and syphilitic - an anal-ytic occupation left us dry and our sturdy skiff has shrunk to nullibitic. I too saw her top undone, but underneath not a pleasure-dome to which I’d come no sweet cream did her breast bequeath unto mine eye, when all was done and done. The fist does light upon my Jovan Rex for a thousand droughts lie on my sex. THE MOON Features The 2005 Erotic Poetry Contest Bad Johnnies...Johnnies p. 16 Redefine the Enemy: Ben Mann p. 8 Six Nonspecifics for Cynical Living, pt. 2 Africa; Sarah Davis-Goff p. 10 Zingela and the Weak Woman Beyond Reason 4: Felicitas Steinhoff p. 12 Latus Rectum The Ring Cathy Jo McCue p, 13 News and Opinion Peace Query Adam Braus p. 6 Defenders of the Faith Gideon Culman p, 7 Some Thoughts on St, John’s Security Mark Morcos p. 15 Calliope's Corner Blowout Jeffrey Dharma p. 22 "It Could Come at Any Time” Zacc Coker-Dukowitz p. 26 Part 2: Luo Comics Sigfried Lucas Smith Canto XXVI Blake Hindley p. 31 Moon Don’t like what we’re doing with the Jonathan Morgan Unrung, Unsung and...well Moon? Adam Willson The Horror...The Horror. Assistant Curmudgeon The editorial staff of the Moon is constantly being bombarded with Chris Harris questions, comments, and threats about the content of this or that Layout Editor Moon issue. Our stock response is to gently suggest that the individ­ ual accosting us write a letter to the editor. Almost universally, this Nyssa Travis suggestion has the effect of causing him to stammer, avert his eyes, Layout Assistant and shuffle away, often while muttering angrily under his breath. Trystan Popish Inevitably, no letter follows. Intern Why oh why are you so silent, campus mine? We want your input! Contributors Are you too meek to voice your opinions in a public forum, too lazy Adam Braus I Felicitas Steinhoff to type up a statement of your grievances, or do you simply have Cathy Jo McCue I Zack Coker-Dukowitz nothing to say? Jeffrey Dharma I Gideon Culman C’mon. We know you’ve got at least 95 Theses in you. Nail ‘em to Lucas Smith I Owen Stark I Ben Mann the door. Blake Hindley I Mark Morcos Jane Murray I Ben Gaddes I Kyle Simmons Send constructive criticisms, destructive witticisms, or threats of Allegra Johns I Michael Lewis death and dismemberment to [email protected] and Steven Pine Cover Photo: Camilo Alba-Navarro \_______________________________________________________ / The Moon is the independent bi-weekly student newspaper for St. John’s College in Santa Fe, New Mexico. As such, all opinions expressed within represent only the views of their respective authors, and do not necessarily represent the views of the cuz who loves ya,"baby ? College, the Faculty, the Administration or the Moon Editors. Issues are available at no charge to all members of, and visitors to the campus, and The Moon Editorial Staff now has the distinction yearly subscriptions can be obtained for $30. of actually having staff members who are not The Moon is composed of student works and all editors. But they are few. So the call is going out contributions are welcome, but the Editorial staff for anyone interested in reporting, critiquing, reserves the right to demand an indefinite amount photography, cartooning, layout, editing, making of revision in order to uphold our strict journalistic standards and to ensure that each issue is relevant, sweet sweet love, living, drinking, being the Dean, informative, and damn fun to read. or self-actualizing. If interested contact Jonathan Morgan X4170 or Adam Willson X4324 STJOHN’S L 2 College ANNAPOLIS . SANTA FE 4 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR To the College Community; No student called Robby Shanker Has a tutor ever answered your frenzied attends or has attended the Graduate late-night call for help on a math prop? Institute. Ever gone out of their way to meet you in the Coffee Shop and Respectfully, read your seminar essay—even though you’re not in any of their Krishnan Venkatesh, classes? Gl Director We want your submissions—stories, anecdotes, or just plain thank yous—to tutors who have gone above and beyond to help you out and show they care. Dear Mr. Morgan, This is a missiv to strongly protest the For the next issue of the Moon we would like to print your tutor appreciation letters. So please sit down, think a minute, and thank continued publishing of lies in your rag. that tutor who went out of his or her way to help you out. The Moon, by one Gideon Culman. In your April 15 edition you published a This is an important way to show that you too care and are willing series of allegations by Culman regarding to go out of your way for them. the alleged disapearance of one Robby Shanker. As an active and sometimes naked member of the EC sangha I can qualitativly state that there has never been a “Robby Shanker” at any time in any of even took up the story! The silence at the courses. the time, in the wake of the burning city Acting on Culmans bloated assertions was deafening, man! All Koolman ever of a cover up at the highest levels, I got was a citation from the mayors office, checked with Sri Venkateswaran on this a simple soft paddling of his soft backside and he not only denied any knowledge and a one way ticket to Penobscot Bay, of the alleged student, but seemed sim­ just about the farthest away from Venice ply surprised that one would take Herr Beach as possible. How he made his way Koolman seriously on anything. Firstly, to Santa Fe is anyones guess... but you and we both agreed on this, Koolman is can bet a quick check with the Bar Harbor a known felon and blackgaurd, prevented Sherrifs Department might reveal it. from ever entering again Los Angeles Look, you print what you want to, politics. During the Rodney King riots of Morgan, or at least print whatever the the 1990’s, he was the man later identi­ Reverend Sun Yung Moon, tells you too, fied as having taken Madonna’s bustier but there is no reason to print lies as fact. from Hendricks of Hollywood. He was If Koolman has proof on Robby Shanker, wearing blackface at the time, thats why goddamit, he’d better show it. Otherwise no one originally knew.