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The Safe Congregation Handbook The Safe Congregation Handbook Nurturing Healthy Boundaries in Our Faith Communities Patricia Hoertdoerfer and Fredric Muir, editors Unitarian Universalist Association Boston Copyright © 2005 by the Unitarian Universalist Association. All rights reserved. The Unitarian Universalist Association grants permission to photocopy portions of this book for use in workshops. Printed in the United States Cover design by Dutton and Sherman Text design by Dartmouth Publishing, Inc. ISBN 1–55896–498–3 978-1–55896–498–3 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 08 07 06 05 We are grateful for permission to reprint the following: “The Differences Between Stress and Burnout” reprinted from Clergy Self-Care: Finding a Balance for Effective Ministry by Roy M. Oswald, with permission from the Alban Institute. Copyright © 1991 by The Alban Institute, Inc. All rights reserved. “Eleven Guidelines for Preserving Boundaries” adapted from “Myths and Facts About Domestic Violence” reprinted by permission of SafeHouse Center, Ann Arbor, Michigan, website: www.safehousecenter.org, helpline: (734) 995-5444. “Benediction” reprinted from Awakened from the Forest: Meditations on Ministry, ed. Gary E. Smith. Reprinted by permission of Susan Manker-Seale. Prayer by Thomas Mikelson reprinted by permission of the author. “Stubborn Ounces (To One Who Doubts the Worth of Doing Anything If You Can’t Do Everything),” from Hands Laid Upon the Wind by Bonaro W. Overstreet. Copyright © 1955 by W. W. Norton & Co. Inc. Used by permission of W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. Sources of Power and Vulnerability and Elements of Justice-making by Rev. Marie M. Fortune, from Clergy Misconduct: Sexual Abuse in the Ministerial Relationship, copyright © 1992, 1997. Published by FaithTrust Institute, formerly Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, www.faithtrustinstitute.org, Seattle, WA. Used and adapted by Permission of FaithTrust Institute. Wheel of Power and Control and Wheel of Nonviolence and Equality reprinted by permission of the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, 202 East Superior Street, Duluth, Minnesota 55802, 218/722-2781, www.duluth-model.org. You say the little efforts I make Will do no good; they will never prevail To tip the hovering scale Where Justice hangs in balance. I don't think I ever thought they would. But I am prejudiced beyond debate In favor of my right to choose which side Shall feel the stubborn ounces of my weight. —Bonaro Overstreet Contents Foreword................................................................................................................................................................vii Introduction ..........................................................................................................................................................ix Unitarian Universalist Principles and Sexual Ethics ................................................................xv CONGREGATION AND CULTURE Healthy and Safe Congregations, Qiyamah A. Rahman 1 Toward an Understanding and Faithful Response, Patricia Hoertdoerfer 4 A Systems View of Congregational Life, Kenneth Gordon Hurto 10 TRANSFORMATIONAL LEADERSHIP Leading a Community in Right Relations, Phyllis Rickter and Betty Hoskins 17 Leadership with Vision, Ken Brown and Angela Merkert 21 Writing a Covenant, Fredric Muir 24 Boundaries and Confidentiality, Rebecca Edmiston-Lange 28 SELF-CARE FOR RELIGIOUS LEADERS Mental, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Self-Care, Fredric Muir 33 Sexual Attraction for the Religious Professional, William W. Finger and Debra W. Haffner 38 RELIGIOUS EDUCATION AND SAFETY Upholding Trust in the Religious Education Community, Tera Little and Laurel Amabile 41 A Sex Offender in Church, Patricia Tummino 49 Balancing Compassion and Protection, Debra W. Haffner 51 Creating Policies with Youth Groups, Sarah Gibb 57 CONGREGATIONAL JUSTICE MAKING Just Relations in a Faith Context, Fredric Muir 66 Working for Safety and to End Oppression, Tracey Robinson-Harris with Taquiena Boston, Paula Cole Jones, Janice Marie Johnson, Devorah Greenstein 73 Healing, Anna Belle Leiserson and Phil Thomason 77 Toward a Vision of Sexually Healthy Faith Communities, Debra W. Haffner 85 WORKSHOPS Congregation and Culture Healthy and Safe Congregations 94 Toward an Understanding and Faithful Response 97 A Systems View of Congregational Life 101 Transformational Leadership Leading a Community in Right Relations 106 Writing a Covenant 109 Boundaries and Confidentiality 112 Self-Care for Religious Leaders Mental, Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Self-Care 115 Religious Education and Safety Upholding Trust in the Religious Education Community 118 Creating Policies with Youth Groups 123 Congregational Justice Making Just Relations in a Faith Context 128 Working for Safety and to End Oppression 131 Healing 135 HANDOUTS Handout 1, Wheel of Power and Control 138 Handout 2, Wheel of Nonviolence and Equality 139 Handout 3, The Seven Laws of an Emotional Triangle 140 Handout 4, Letter to the Minister 141 Handout 5, Assessment Questions for Effective Leadership 142 Handout 6, A Covenantal Faith 143 Handout 7, Three Case Studies 144 Handout 8, The Difference Between Stress and Burnout 146 Handout 9, A Self-Assessment Checklist 147 Handout 10, Eleven Guidelines for Preserving Boundaries 148 Handout 11, Needs Assessment Checklist for Congregations 150 Handout 12, Six Case Studies 151 Handout 13, Checklist for Developing Youth Group Safety Guidelines 153 Handout 14, Just Relations Grid 154 Handout 15, UUA Responsibility and Accountability 155 Handout 16, Privilege and Oppression 156 Handout 17, Five Case Studies 157 Resources............................................................................................................................................................159 About the Contributors ............................................................................................................................164 Foreword An email arrives from one of our ministers, saying That is what this book provides: education, clear that he has been speaking with the spouse of a policies, moral courage. The writers have, among victim of a clergy sexual abuse. The abuse remains them, many years of commitment to building a unreported after many years; the abuser is now just and beloved community and many experi- retired and unlikely to be reported in the future. ences of naming tough things when others would My friend and email correspondent writes that have preferred that such matters remain unno- he said to the victim, “On behalf of Unitarian ticed and unnamed. The Unitarian Universalist Universalism and on behalf of its ministers, pres- Association is indebted to them and to the con- ent and past, I apologize.” gregations that have dealt with the hard work of A call comes from a congregational president. being in community under painful circumstances A popular member of the congregation is discov- and have done it, ultimately if not at first, with grace ered to be a convicted pedophile. What can that and compassion. the congregation do to provide both safety and compassion? A religious education teacher reports that one Kay Montgomery child seems disturbed, anxious, and preoccupied Executive Vice President with sexuality in a way far beyond her years. Should Unitarian Universalist Association the possibility of abuse, the slim hunch, be reported. If so, who should report it and to whom? It hurts to write it but it is true: A church is not by definition a safe place, not even our beloved Unitarian Universalist churches. The same human frailties and sins play themselves out here as else- where. They are, however, particularly heartbreak- ing in a church, the place we go for solace and clarity and to make justice, to find religion. No congregation, no place on earth, can guar- antee that it is a safe place. But we can make our beloved congregations “safer,” with education and clear policies and with moral courage and informed decisions. Introduction vii Introduction Our religious heritages—Unitarian, Universalist, Universalist congregations. Everything congrega- and Unitarian Universalist—compel us to address tions do is ministry.” Ministry is called to the par- the important, widespread, and complex social ticularities of time and context, which shape it issues of interpersonal violence and abuse. Our with relevance, direction, and passion. In 1997, faith is a covenantal faith with a relational theology when Creating Safe Congregations was published, at its core. Hospitality and justice are essential ele- it was a response to the growing alarm that we ments of our covenant with one another and with had seen in our congregational life as a result of the Holy. The lifeblood of our covenant is commu- clergy sexual misconduct and child abuse. The nity: community in worship, community in lifespan stories, insights, and lessons that we heard from religious education, community in justice-making our professional ministry and lay leadership service, and community in caring relationships. informed that book. While these issues remain a Where we gather in communities of trust and faith, priority for Unitarian Universalist communities— we call that place holy ground. When we gather we and have been given renewed and deeper com- welcome others—newcomers and strangers—and mitment after the alarming revelations of child we welcome our true, best selves. As we elicit the and sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church best in others we elicit the best in ourselves and and the subsequent secrecy and
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