$3 We Know Your Anger, We Know Your Dreams, We’ve Been Everything You Want To Be $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com May 7th, 2009 [email protected] THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A KABOOM Maybe we have this wrong, but we and the players themselves don’t have to do that maybe this team has started to run out were told, before the started, that much. This is the second round of the play- of gas. Keith has been awful the past two with the anthem and the general loony bin offs, kids. 60 minutes is required, otherwise games. Toews has disappeared, Jesus Havlat that the United Center has become, the Hawks you can see how that seven-iron feels in your only seems to be appearing on posters behind would feed off that energize and terrorize op- hands. Or your dick. Steve Konroyd’s head. This kind of game is ponents from the get-go. Suddenly, we em- Plan 9 From Outer Space going to take a monumental effort, and we’re pathize with Marvin The Martian, because only So, what has to happen tonight? not 100% sure the Hawks have it. But then once out of four home playoff games have we Second City colleague Matt McClure will break again, these guys still get carded at bars, so gotten our first period kaboom. Somehow, we this down better on page 12, but the Hawks that doesn’t seem much of an excuse. doubt Bugs is to blame. have to give up on their fireworks display. It’s Patience will also be vital. If the However, not enough credit has been not going to work. The Hawks must play the Hawks play this right, it very well may be 0-0 given to the Canucks. They were marvel- simplest game they have all season. Oh, and for a long time. The Canucks proved they can ous. Their forwards stopped trying to go all they’ll probably have to play their best one, wait for their chance in Game 3 (i.e. Eager fall- fire-wagon and were extremely disciplined, too. Just for shits, you know. ing asleep on a Bieksa pinch), can the Hawks? both in not taking penalties (only three penal- Secondly, any is a good one Marbles ties from the front men) and also tonight. Now, the Hawks reluctance to let Most of all, here’s what tonight’s sticking to ’s trap, leaving the fly was in part due to the Iron Curtain/Naval about: We’ve all made jokes about most of Hawks no space. They were even better in blockade the Canucks employed, seemingly the roster’s inability to grow playoff beards. their own zone, where they backchecked, and blocking 238 shots (it was 21, which is still But right here is where we found out some- gave their d-men options on getting the puck a shocking number). Naturally, the Hawks thing much more important than what they out, instead of firing up the ice and leaving became tentative, not wanting another doink can grown on their face, that being what the blueliners stranded, as they had in Games off a shin-pad and out of the zone. Doesn’t they’ve got between their legs. Have they got 1 and 2. Also, 10 of them recorded a blocked matter this evening. Pucks must get through, the balls to face the first must-have game shot. Their effort was one to be seen, and and there must be lots of them (we’re turning most of them have seen? Against a team that Vigneault should be complemented for getting into Al Davis here. “He must go down, and is simply daring you to want it more than they his men to adjust to the problems they were he must go down hard.” Pretty soon we’ll be do? Playing a game that doesn’t suit you? We facing. fitted for plastic pants. Now that’ll get us ar- don’t know the answer to any of these. But Contrast that with The Men of Four rested!!!). Luongo’s rebound control has not the Hawks have smiled at every challenge Feathers. Through the first five minutes the been sparkling this series, there are chances thrown at them this season, there’s no reason Hawks did have some jump, and the build- there. to think they won’t do the same to this one. ing had some energy. They even got the This kind of game doesn’t suit the -Foghorn Leghorn first power play, which was quickly snuffed Hawks, and there also is a fear here at HQ out by a questionable goalie-interference call on Buff. From then out, when faced with a stacked neutral zone, and opposition blue line, the Hawks never adjusted. Their forwards still streaked for stretch passes that weren’t possible, leaving defensemen with no options, leading to ponderous play, leading to some killer turnovers. Clearly, the Hawks are allergic to playing an ugly game. They are under the impression they’ll score four or five every night, and there is something to be admired in that. But in a span of sixw weeks the Canucks have come in here twice and sat on the Hawks’ face, and the Hawks haven’t done much to change that. Are the Hawks built for a grind- it-out, glass-chew, trench warfare type of game? Probably not. Doesn’t mean they can’t play one for a while, long enough to get the first (the first goal? That’s an interesting tactic, how does that work?). Another disappointment is that the Hawks appear to be under the impression that merely being home is enough. They must think that the opposition will be urinating on themselves due to the noise in the building,

FROM THE EDITOR

I’ll apologize for getting a little off-topic here, but there is something I don’t know if this Balsillie is good news or bad news. Blackberrys are a pox going on in hockey I would like to address. I’m sure most of you have caught upon society, but there’s no question he’s a forward thinker with sound business it, but the Phoenix Coyotes have filed Chapter 11 and Blackberry maven Jim sense. How many of those are crawling around NHL boardrooms right now? Balsillie is poised to purchase them (at a terribly inflated price) and move them Trust me, if all of them shared a joint with you, you’d get at least two turns. to Southern . Unfortunately, Bettman gets his way all the Naturally, Gary Bettman is going to fight this time. It’s a shame that most owners can’t wake up and tooth and nail, and he’s probably going to win. And it’s see that he’s been bad for the sport, plain and simple. It’s a goddamn shame. I don’t mean to insult what fans there been 16 years since Bettman was brought in to widen the are in Phoenix. I can’t imagine what it would be like to sport’s appeal and audience. How’s that going, anyway? have a team pick up and move away from you, know- Logically, would owners want to keep prop- ing you won’t have hockey to watch live. That doesn’t ping up a complete basketcase of a franchise, or have mean, however, that Phoenix isn’t a total disaster of a another thriving one, as a Hamilton team almost certainly market. First, they played in an arena that simply wasn’t would? Bettman just seems to have a power over the big enough for a rink. Then they moved to Glendale and owners though (but apparently not Rocky, who went on signed a lease that not even Mayor Daley could have an anti-Versus tangent the other day that definitely would thought up, with no part of parking going to the Yotes. have had The Little Man stomping his feet). Why can’t Oh, and it’s Phoenix, which means, of course, NO ONE Sam Fels they see that this guy took a sport at its peak, 1994 after FUCKING CARES ABOUT HOCKEY! Michael Jordan retired and the Rangers had won the The worst part, and the one Bettman should Cup, and immediately threw it into a lockout to lose all take a serious look at, is the look on people’s face when momentum? Bettman is the one who over-extended the talent pool, leading to you tell them you’re going to see the Hawks play Phoenix. “Phoenix has a the garbage, clutch-and-grab hockey that no one could take. It’s Bettman who team? Why?” It just strains credibility. That’s not to say there aren’t warm- took away our divisional playoffs that we loved so dear, and saw markets that weather markets that can’t support hockey, it’s just that Phoenix has proven to have no business with a team come in through the door. It was he who nearly not be one of them. killed the sport four years ago, and it was he who put them on Versus, which But none of this matters to our little Napoleon Butthead. He’s going the rest of the sports world is laughing at. Where is the wider exposure the to prove that Phoenix can thrive as a hockey town, no matter how much it costs, owners sought with his hiring? Probably somewhere around “soccer becom- or how many people are turned aside to do so. Perhaps if he looked at this logi- ing popular”. You mean to tell me a bright, progressive, though brash, guy like cally, it would dawn on him the fact that Southern California has two teams, but Balsillie has no place in the league, but a clown-car like Tampa Bay’s owners Southern Ontario doesn’t, is ludicrous. But clearly, this makes too much sense does? How much more does it take for a pink slip? to happen. PLAYOFFS *late game not included

Eastern Conference Western Conference

#1 Boston #1 San Jose BOS (4-0) ANA (4-2) #8 #8 Anaheim CAR 2-1 ANA 2-1

#3 New Jersey #2 Scum CAR (4-3) Scum (4-0) #6 Carolina #7 Columbus

#2 Washington #3 Vancouver WAS (4-3) VAN (4-0) #7 New York #6 St. Louis WAS 2-1 VAN 2-1 #4 Pittsburgh #4 HAWKS PIT (4-2) teams re-seed after first round, with HAWKS (4-2) #5 Philadelphia highest remaining seed playing lowest #5 remaining.

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP

Alex Burrows’ Top Ten Make-Up And Fashion Tips Look-a-Likes 10. Make sure your clutch and shoes match, even though cute boys won’t notice, you’ll feel better 9. Skirts are only good for June 22nd in Vancouver, the one day it doesn’t rain 8. The Sedin twins love my shade of eye-liner, if you want to attract weird Swedish twins 7. Purple is my favorite shade of lipstick 6. Get yourself a perm, it’ll be harder for me to pull 5. Only wear heels if you look totally confident in them, otherwise you’ll The Alien look like Sundin on skates From This 4. Thumbs up on thongs, I wear one under my uniform Island 3. I’ll never play for another team, as our blue jersey really sets off my eyes Earth 2. I love lots of jewelry, but you’ll never know because I won’t ever drop (the movie they my gloves watched on 1. Always be well-groomed, everywhere. It makes for...uh...better “tuck- MST3K) ing”

Chicago Blackhawks 1-2

se against Sundin, for some reason. Hopefully this changes tonight. Q once again opted to put Bolland’s line against the Sedins, and Pahl Our calls went unheaded, as Dunc was once again subpar in Game 3. Ponderous with the puck, turnover-happy (one leading to the Nucks 3rd goal) and some really abstract decision making. Have all the minutes caught up to him? (Playoff stats)

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 88 R 5' 10" 187 20 8 5 3 8 -3 10 2 0 0 19 26.3 $3,725,000 10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6' 1" 197 27 9 5 3 8 1 2 2 0 1 $28 17.9 $3,900,000 24 R The Perfect Beard 6' 2" 217 27 9 3 5 8 -1 6 0 0 1 19 15.8 $6,000,000 32 L VerStud 5' 10" 180 22 9 2 6 8 -2 4 1 0 0 13 15.4 $491,667 7 D 6' 3" 220 23 9 1 7 8 2 8 1 0 0 18 5.6 $3,500,000 19 C Marvel 6' 2" 209 20 9 2 5 7 1 24 1 0 1 20 10 $2,800,000 36 C Fabulous Weapon 6' 0" 188 22 9 3 3 6 0 18 0 1 0 14 21.4 $845,833 25 D 6' 3" 213 22 9 3 3 6 -2 0 0 0 0 20 15 $2,768,587 51 D 51 Phantom 6' 0" 188 29 9 2 3 5 1 0 2 0 0 11 18.2 $7,142,875 33 R Dustin Byfuglien 6' 3" 247 23 9 1 3 4 0 18 0 0 0 20 5 $3,000,000 2 D 6' 1" 194 25 9 0 4 4 5 4 0 0 0 11 0 $1,475,000 37 R Adam Burish 6' 1" 189 26 9 1 2 3 3 22 0 0 1 16 6.3 $712,500 26 C Samuel Pahlsson 6' 0" 204 31 9 1 2 3 0 0 1 0 0 6 16.7 $301,000 55 L Ben Eager 6' 2" 220 24 9 1 1 2 -1 29 0 0 1 9 11.1 $568,000 8 D Matt Walker 6' 3" 214 28 9 0 2 2 -2 0 0 0 0 5 0 $600,000 16 L Mountain 6' 2" 198 23 9 1 0 1 2 4 0 0 0 14 7.1 $1,550,000 22 R 6' 2" 213 23 9 0 1 1 1 4 0 0 0 12 0 $675,000 4 D Super Nintendo Jalmers 6' 2" 200 21 9 0 1 1 -1 4 0 0 0 6 0 $643,000

46 C Colin Fraser 6' 1" 188 23 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 $500,000 - *injured Totals/Averages 6' 1" 203.4 24.16 31 54 17.4/g 10 1 29.1/g 11.83% $41,198,462 Khabby is not the reason the Hawks lost Tuesday, but those last two goals should have been whistles instead. The

Campbell has a few defensive hiccups, but had a Corsi rating of +12, hiccups, but had defensive Campbell has a few Hawks best d-man this series. and probably has been the Hawks don’t make Herculian efforts to move a man from the crease on the kill, so juicy rebounds are death. All of Khabby’s big saves came when the Hawks were down, they have to come earlier than that.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 39 6' 1" 209 36 9 534 2.81 5 4 0 0 243 25 .897 0 0 0 $6,750,000 38 6' 1" 205 33 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $5,625,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 35 2.81 5 4 0 0 29.0/g 25 .897 0 0 0 $12,375,000

TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $57,283,000 CAP SPACE: $274,000* Probable Lines Probable Pairings *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 2 Keith 7 Seabrook 10 Sharp 19 Toews 88 Kane 51 Campbell 4 Hjalmarsson Injury List 16 Ladd 36 Bolland 24 Havlat 8 Walker 25 Barker - Questionable (Talent) 32 Versteeg 26 Pahlsson 33 Byfuglien 22 Brouwer 37 Burish 55 Eager

Committed Indian T-shirts.... WHales or Sticks or Skates 2-1

How the fuck this guy was the 3rd star on Tuesday is anyone’s guess. We think it was a wager of some sort. “Oh, you don’t think I can make Sundin a star? $50 says I can!” (Playoff stats) # Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 33 C 6' 2" 190 28 7 4 4 8 3 2 1 0 0 14 28.6 $483,000 22 L 6' 1" 185 28 7 2 6 8 4 6 1 0 0 22 9.1 $2,500,000 23 D 6' 3" 220 22 7 1 6 7 0 4 1 0 0 9 11.1 $4,000,000 6 D Sami Salo 6' 3" 215 34 5 3 3 6 1 2 2 0 2 7 42.9 $522,000 42 C 5' 10" 180 25 7 1 3 4 2 0 0 0 0 5 20 $3,575,000 18 R 6' 2" 225 23 7 2 2 4 1 7 2 0 2 14 14.3 $3,500,000 14 L Alexandre Burrows 6' 1" 190 27 7 3 1 4 3 20 0 0 1 17 17.6 $950,000 13 C 6' 5" 231 38 5 1 3 4 -2 2 0 0 1 9 11.1 $883,000 38 R * 6' 0" 200 34 6 1 2 3 -2 2 1 0 0 13 7.7 $3,500,000 17 C "A" 6' 2" 205 24 7 1 2 3 -1 10 0 0 0 22 4.5 $3,750,000 3 D 6' 0" 205 27 7 0 3 3 2 6 0 0 0 12 0 $750,000 21 L 6' 0" 182 23 7 1 1 2 -2 2 0 0 0 11 9.1 $1,750,000 8 D Willie Mitchell "A" 6' 3" 210 31 7 0 2 2 -1 18 0 0 0 1 0 $3,500,000 55 D Shane O'Brien 6' 3" 224 25 7 0 1 1 -2 8 0 0 0 7 0 $3,575,000 10 C Ryan Johnson 6' 1" 202 32 7 1 0 1 0 2 0 0 0 4 25 $1,150,000 2 D Mattias Ohlund "A" 6' 3" 220 32 7 1 0 1 4 6 1 0 0 11 9.1 $242,000 37 C 5' 11" 170 24 7 0 0 0 -2 38 0 0 0 5 0 $550,000 36 R 6' 1" 201 23 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $987,000 24 L 6' 1" 215 28 7 0 0 0 0 12 0 0 0 2 0 $5,363,000 9 L 6’ 4” 230 27 1 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 0 4 0 $1,575,000

Salo is back in Chicago with the team, and will almost certainly play than 5 on the backend. more can play tonight, so the Nucks 5 D Ossi Vaananen 6' 4" 215 28 2 0 0 0 1 2 0 0 0 0 0 $500,000

Totals/Averages 6' 2" 206.1 27.7 22 40 21.6/g 9 0 29.4/g 11.0% $42,030,000 * injured Ohlund had 5 blocked shots in Game 3.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 1 "C" 6' 3" 205 29 7 438 1.92 6 1 0 1 217 14 .935 0 0 0 $6,750,000 30 Jason LaBarbera 6' 3" 225 29 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $461,000 Totals/Averages 6' 3" 215 29 7 438 1.92 6 1 0 1 31.1/g 14 .935 0 0 0 $7,211,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $53,858,000 Probable Lines CAP SPACE: $2,852,000 *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing Probable Pairings Injury List 2 Ohlund 23 Edler 14 Burrows 33 H. Sedin 22 D. Sedin Sami Salo- Questionable (Rib?) 17 Kesler 13 Sundin 21 Raymond 8 Mitchell 6 Salo Pavol Demitra-Out (Trick Knee) 9 Pyatt 42 Wellwood 18 Bernier 3 Bieksa 55 O’Brien 24 Hordichuk 10 Johnson 37 Rypien

...ARE HERE!!!!. CHECK SECOND CITY HOCK- EY.COM FOR DETAILS One of the few downsides of a playoff-run is that it causes plenty of people to talk about hockey who shouldn’t be talking about hockey. So tonight, we present our list of.... People We Wish We Didn’t Have To Watch Talk About Hockey

Any Comcast Employee Not Named Chicago News Anchors Josh Mora or Steve Konroyd

We’ve always thought of Comcast as an ESPNEWS karaoke bar, which is just a Sportscenter karaoke bar, and Sportscenter is the demon seed of the Hey, we enjoy watching the various Newscaster Dark Lord himself. Needless to say, whenever Mora is Barbie’s around town as much as the next guy, no mat- not in the studio and/or Konroyd is replacing Eddie-O in ter how irrelevant 10 o’clock news has become. But the the booth, watching the backups reminds us of watching Hawks are becoming a local news story, which means they an injured bird in the street. It’s uncomfortable as all get are starting to jump up from just the sports. Watching the out, and you know they can’t duck the trucks forever. And expression on their face when “Khabibulin” comes across Savvy as an analyst? Seriously? Dude, this team fired the teleprompter? Priceless. Exactly the same expression you and has called you incompetent ever since. Have we see when we ask a girl out. Pure shock and fear, and a some pride. That’s like getting dumped at the alter and desperate need to run. then going to your ex-fiance’s 2nd bachelorette party. It’s all kinds of weird and wrong.

Mike North and Dan Jiggetts Christine Simpson on Versus

In reality, we don’t think Christine is bad at all. But there’s one problem: she’s not Lindsay Soto... Actually, this applies to any subject, but especially hockey. Listening to these two is akin to listening to hip- pos fuck, only with less intelligence and more grunting. Simply a pox on our city, and how they’ve gained such a prominent spot in the Chicago sports landscape should probably be Exhibit A in any argument against us getting the Olympics. After all, any city that worships these mel- lon patches is not worthy of a world stage. Remember that 17 minutes when North tried doing a news and current The only sideline reports in recent memory who events show? Yeah, that was good stuff. Someone should caught an athlete gawking during the interview. Simply have told him it required more reading than simply the hilarious video. Well done, , you are an comics, half of which he probably doesn’t get anyway. Everyman. The Fight Card HAWKS vs. CANUCKS Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 3-29-09 Keith’s locks 3rd. We don’t even have a category for this one. v. 5:50 Needless to say, after this we reserved a room for Burrows in the bath house at Belmont and Burrows Halsted. 3-29-09 Eager v. 3rd. During Burish-inspired melee, Eager drops Bieksa 5:50 Bieksa like a drunken cougar, and then has to √ √ sit there and get bled on. 10-19-08 Eager v. 2nd. Right off a draw, these two grapple right Brown 2:46 into the Hawks bench. Brown throws all the √ √ punches as Eager can’t find balance. Brown on points. 3-1-08 Barker v. 3rd. Barker jumps in to retaliate high hit on Pettinger 5:51 Toews, but other than an angry face, it wasn’t √ much. ‘Preciate the effort, though 3-1-08 Wiz v. 3rd. Wiz reacts to elbow from Burrows, and like Burrows 9:49 most Vancouver fags, Burrows quickly opts √ for takedown. What To Watch For: Too much on the line tonight. Though it’ll be chippy as all hell, no kerfluffles to be expected. Power Play Kill

Team Opp PPG PP% Team TS PPGA PK% DET 36 11 30.6 NJD 29 2 93.1 ANA 34 9 26.5 BOS 13 1 92.3 CHI 40 10 25 CAR 36 3 91.7 VAN 36 9 25 VAN 40 4 90 CBJ 13 3 23.1 PHI 32 4 87.5 WSH 42 9 21.4 WSH 48 7 85.4 SJS 24 4 16.7 PIT 39 7 82 BOS 25 4 16 NYR 33 6 81.8 PIT 49 7 14.3 CHI 36 7 80.6 PHI 30 4 13.3 ANA 38 8 79 NYR 31 4 12.9 SJS 23 5 78.3 NJD 27 3 11.1 STL 18 4 77.8 CGY 18 2 11.1 MTL 16 4 75 CAR 34 3 8.8 DET 24 7 70.8 STL 24 1 4.2 CGY 24 7 70.8 MTL 8 0 0 CBJ 22 7 68.2 Spotlight

Willie Mitchell

It bothers us greatly to sing this guy’s praises, because he really hasn’t shut up since this series started. His comments about Kane worked wonders, obviously, as Mitchell needed a balm to soothe the windburn on his ass after Toews and Kane went by him for the Hawks fifth in Game 2. He’s also the leading dunderhead taking shots after whistles and bitching to the refs about Buff’s mere existence (though we share that with him from earlier in the year). However, it has to be said that Mitchell was an absolute monster in Game 3, and he has been for most of the year. He led the Canucks in ice-time, and we can hardly remember him losing a battle for the puck all night. This has been a breakout year for Mitchell, which seems weird to say about someone who’s 32. But he was a +29, when his previous career-high was +15. He was third on the Canucks in Behind The Net Rating, behind the Swedish Molina Brothers. He’s clearly a rag- ing asshole, but you’d want that in a steady d-man, wouldn’t you? It’s pretty obvious that the Canucks defensive effort goes as Mitchell goes. Early in the series, he was turnover-prone and was getting skinned by the faster Hawks forwards. Game 3, he was oustanding, and so were the Canucks. If the Hawks have designs on winning tonight, they’d better find a way to outplay this guy in his own zone, he’s the one they’ll be seeing most. The Committed Indian is printed by Royal Omega Graphics- Elk Grove, IL 847-952-8000 [email protected] KNOW THY ENEMY

Because they’re good chaps, Sean and Yankee Canuck once again share Q: This is a weird question, but try and answer it honestly. If you their thoughts after Game 3. were Coach Q, what would you have the Hawks do to maybe attack something the Canucks consider a weakness? Q: So, feeling better? A: Chuck a coughing pig into their hotel? Actually no please don’t do A: Let’s see...stop blowing defensive coverage? Check. Get someone that. This isn’t really a Vancouver weakness, but if I were the giant f’ing else out there scoring not named Sedin? Check. See Luongo stop play- Q, I would stress coming out balls to the walls, use the crowd and get ing like Cloutier? Check. No additional injuries that I know of? Check. the early lead for a change. With the lead, you can force Vancouver to The trap is rarely fun, but it works. We’ll take it. gamble with some passes to increase their chances and you’re back to maybe seeing more of the defensive breakdowns and odd man rushes Q: What’s one thing you can to that the Canucks were able to that Chicago took advantage of in game two. do in Game 3 that turned the tide? Q: Is the feeling in Vancouver that this series is now close to over? A: They stopped pretending they’ll win a back and forth type game with Or do you think there’s a very long way to go? Chicago. Mucking everything up in the neutral zone forced the ice to be A: I wouldn’t have said that even if Vancouver lost. There’s still plenty shorter on the Hawks who couldn’t get their stretch passes working at of hockey left out there, especially since the Hawks have proven you all. Also buried in the win is that the Canucks blocked a series high 21 can’t count them out. No Canuck fan saw a 3-1 lead going into the third shots. Vancouver played a game that suits their strengths. Will it work and felt comfortable so imagine how the players felt. I can’t imagine any the rest of the way? It should, but we’ll see. player in red is going to want to travel west with their backs against the wall for three straight so I expect a far more determined Hawks team on Q: Who do you think has been the best Canuck this series? We’re Thursday. Vancouver’s best chance to tighten the noose around Chi- looking at Raymond or Ryan Johnson... cago’s neck is just to shore up and perfect what they did in game three. A: You can never say enough about balls (Johnson) because he plays so damn well on the PK. Raymond, replacing Demitra on the second line, Q: Looking ahead, the Canucks played a marvelous road game in has been getting stronger since the first round and game three was easily Game 3, which the Hawk have always struggled with. Can they do his best post season game. Part of me wants to say Henrik Sedin who the same at home? Or is the pressure to get after it too much in GM has goals in two straight and four points in the series. Mitchell played a Place? stronger game three too...so my waffling leads me to think I can’t name A: Vancouver was stronger at home in the regular season but I think just one. Luongo said the entire team needed to step up in game three they’ve played more determined on the road in the playoffs. Maybe the and they did. If they win game four, it’ll likely be the collective again, layoff between rounds affected Vancouver more then we thought or per- not on the back of one guy. haps Eager and company really did distract a bunch of our core guys and steal their focus. But games one and two weren’t really Vancouver-style Q: Other than the emotional lift, what does Taylor Pyatt bring to the hockey and I don’t think you’ll see them reel back towards that style team? either. Unless game four is another meltdown I don’t think the pressure A: He’s everything Demo (who’s roster spot he’s taking) isn’t: big body, of the hometown crowd will get to them at all. can grind well along the boards and will get himself in front of the net fishing for rebounds. Pyatt does more of the little things well. Demo has a far better shot, but if Vancouver is going to continue to play a chippy, trap-style game, Pyatt is built for that style and has been playing it for Vancouver now for three seasons.

Hawks-canucks: the Last 4

May 5th, 2009: Nucks 3, Hawks 1 May 2nd, 2009: Hawks 6, Nucks 3 Yep, learning is still for dorks. Hawks take bad, Hawks think learning is for dorks, and make same lazy penalties, don’t come out with a spark, or even mistakes as Game 1, with 1st period penalties and a sniffle, and are snuffed out by simply a superior tentativeness galore. Then comes big Midwest- defensive effort by Vancouver. ern foot in Pacific Northwest ass, as they reel off 5 straight goals to even series.

Apr. 30th, 2009: Hawks 3, Nucks 5 Mar. 29th, 2009: Nucks 4, Hawks 0 Hawks don’t really bother with first two periods, Who got it worse? The Hawks? Bieksa’s nose? and are intent on out all the chicks by the Keith’s hair? ‘Nucks steamroll Hawks after Chicago penalty box. Storm back from down 3 in 3rd, only blows 1st period 5-on-3, then there’s a tea party in for Barker to go on walkabout, leading to winner. the 3rd. Hockey Sabermetrics CHICAGO Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calcu- lated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. GFON/60, GAON/60- Goals for and against team per 60 min. player is on ice +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/ minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RATING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60. NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Colin Fraser 0.83 0.39 6.97 0 0 0 1.62 6.49 -4.87 4.87 Adam Burish -0.33 -0.03 8.5 3.53 0.88 2.65 2.96 3.16 -0.2 2.84 Duncan Keith -0.11 -0.02 20.33 3.69 1.84 1.84 2.58 3.44 -0.86 2.7 Brent Seabrook -0.14 0.28 19.19 3.13 1.95 1.17 3.02 3.29 -0.27 1.45 -0.1 -0.46 12.14 4.32 3.09 1.24 2.62 2.62 0 1.24 Troy Brouwer -0.23 0.21 9.45 2.38 1.59 0.79 3.24 3.03 0.2 0.59 -0.08 -0.18 10.96 4.1 3.42 0.68 2.74 2.53 0.21 0.47 -0.17 0.05 12.34 2.43 1.82 0.61 3.29 3.07 0.22 0.39 -0.02 -0.35 14.22 4.22 3.69 0.53 2.55 2.32 0.23 0.3 Ben Eager -0.41 0.51 9.25 2.43 2.43 0 3.22 2.82 0.4 -0.4 0.34 -0.36 12.61 2.38 2.38 0 3.32 2.87 0.44 -0.44 Dustin Byfuglien 0.33 -0.15 13.36 2.25 2.25 0 3.39 2.94 0.45 -0.45 Dave Bolland -0.07 0.19 13.28 3.39 3.95 -0.56 2.93 2.26 0.68 -1.24 Martin Havlat -0.17 0.13 13.38 3.92 4.48 -0.56 2.72 2.04 0.68 -1.24 Cam Barker 0.19 -0.53 12.99 2.89 3.46 -0.58 3.13 2.46 0.67 -1.25 Samuel Pahlsson 0.41 0 12.98 1.73 2.31 -0.58 3.58 2.91 0.67 -1.25 N. Hjalmarsson -0.05 -0.07 12.5 1.8 2.4 -0.6 3.53 2.87 0.66 -1.26 Matt Walker 0.18 -0.36 13.86 2.16 3.25 -1.08 3.44 2.53 0.92 -2 Patrick Kane -0.01 0.25 12.49 4.12 5.49 -1.37 2.99 1.25 1.74 -3.12 (playoff stats)

Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn This is a measure of a team’s goals-for This measures how many goals a team Shots attempted for a team vs. how many are at- per 60 minutes of player being on the gives up per 60 minutes the player is on tempted against while a given player is on the ice, vs. Taken ice on the power play the ice on the PK. per 60 min. . Player GFON/60 Player GA/60 NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Dustin Byfuglien 16.44 Colin Fraser 0 Adam Burish 15.9 Dave Bolland 4 0.6 Kris Versteeg 16.38 Kris Versteeg 0 Brian Campbell 13.7 Martin Havlat 1.7 0.6 Brent Seabrook 13.46 Matt Walker 0 Ben Eager 12.2 Patrick Sharp 1.4 0.7 Brian Campbell 12.43 N. Hjalmarsson 3.98 Patrick Sharp 8.2 Kris Versteeg 1.2 1.2 Patrick Kane 11.94 Patrick Sharp 4.2 Jonathan Toews 8 Samuel Pahlsson 1.2 0 Cam Barker 8.45 Adam Burish 6.34 N. Hjalmarsson 4.8 N. Hjalmarsson 1.2 1.2 Martin Havlat 7.85 Dave Bolland 8.01 Patrick Kane 4.1 Brian Campbell 1.1 0 Jonathan Toews 5.33 Duncan Keith 8.55 Troy Brouwer 4 Dustin Byfuglien 1.1 1.1 Patrick Sharp 4.87 Brent Seabrook 8.58 Dustin Byfuglien 1.7 Adam Burish 0.9 0 Dave Bolland 2.9 Samuel Pahlsson 9.62 Duncan Keith 1.1 Ben Eager 0.8 4.1 Brent Seabrook -2 Andrew Ladd 0.6 0.6 Martin Havlat -2.2 Matt Walker 0.5 0 Cam Barker -2.3 Brent Seabrook 0.4 0.4 Samuel Pahlsson -3.5 Colin Fraser 0 0 Face-offs Andrew Ladd -5.5 Duncan Keith 0 0.4 Player Face-Offs Taken FO% Kris Versteeg -6.5 Jonathan Toews 0 1.9 Jonathan Toews 104 57.7 Dave Bolland -10.7 Troy Brouwer 0 0.8 Samuel Pahlsson 102 52.9 Matt Walker -11.9 Cam Barker 0 0 Adam Burish 50 48.0 Colin Fraser -17.2 Patrick Kane 0 2.1 Dave Bolland 142 45.8 Total Playoff Rank: 9th 49.4 Hockey Sabermetrics

VANCOUVER (playoff stats) NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Ossi Vaananen -0.13 -0.21 8.28 7.24 0 7.24 1.13 2.26 -1.13 8.37 Daniel Sedin -0.55 0.92 13.28 3.77 1.51 2.26 1.61 2.57 -0.96 3.22 Steve Bernier 0.24 -0.21 11.87 3.37 1.68 1.68 1.84 2.46 -0.61 2.3 -0.49 0.94 13.8 2.9 1.45 1.45 1.96 2.61 -0.65 2.1 Henrik Sedin -0.56 1.07 14.28 3.5 2.1 1.4 1.66 2.32 -0.66 2.06 Kevin Bieksa 0.02 -0.02 17.04 1.17 0 1.17 2.92 3.65 -0.73 1.9 Sami Salo 0.13 -0.38 10.08 3.57 2.38 1.19 1.94 2.33 -0.39 1.58 Jannik Hansen 0.42 -0.68 9.13 0 0 0 1.39 2.78 -1.39 1.39 Kyle Wellwood 0.32 -0.04 11.56 2.6 1.73 0.87 2.13 2.43 -0.3 1.17 Mattias Ohlund -0.12 0.1 18.13 2.21 1.66 0.55 2.28 2.66 -0.38 0.93 Ryan Johnson 0.04 -0.44 8.31 1.2 1.2 0 2.49 2.49 0 0 Darcy Hordichuk -0.11 -0.62 4.93 0 0 0 2.53 2.53 0 0 Alex Edler -0.31 -0.16 14.45 2.08 2.77 -0.69 2.34 2 0.33 -1.03 Willie Mitchell 0.21 0.3 18.6 2.15 3.23 -1.08 2.32 1.55 0.77 -1.85 Pavol Demitra 0.19 -1 13.33 2.25 3.75 -1.5 2.25 1.61 0.64 -2.14 Ryan Kesler 0.15 -0.97 12.97 2.31 3.85 -1.54 2.23 1.59 0.64 -2.18 Shane O'Brien -0.36 0.03 11.26 2.66 4.44 -1.78 2.11 1.51 0.6 -2.38 Mason Raymond 0.26 0.64 11.11 1.8 3.6 -1.8 2.4 1.8 0.6 -2.4 Rick Rypien -0.08 -0.31 7.3 0 2.74 -2.74 2.69 2.15 0.54 -3.28 Mats Sundin -0.07 -0.95 10.97 1.37 4.1 -2.74 3.56 1.52 2.03 -4.77

Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn This measures how many shots are attempted for a Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings team vs. how many are attempted against while a vs. Taken This is a measure of a team’s goals for This measures how many goals a given player is on the ice, per 60 min. per 60 minutes of player being on the team gives up per 60 minutes the ice on the power play. player is on the ice on the PK. NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Player GFON/60 Player GAON/60 Henrik Sedin 15.4 Rick Rypien 2.7 4.1 Sami Salo 10.91 Jannik Hansen 0 Kevin Bieksa 12.3 Kyle Wellwood 2.6 0 Kevin Bieksa 10.61 Henrik Sedin 0 Daniel Sedin 12.1 Henrik Sedin 2.1 0 Daniel Sedin 10.19 Alex Edler 0 Ossi Vaananen 7.2 Mason Raymond 1.8 0 Henrik Sedin 9.92 Willie Mitchell 2.35 Alex Burrows 7.2 Steve Bernier 1.7 0 Steve Bernier 9.17 Ryan Kesler 2.66 Pavol Demitra 3.8 Alex Burrows 1.4 1.4 Alex Edler 7.62 Ryan Johnson 2.74 Mats Sundin 2.7 Kevin Bieksa 1.2 0.6 Mats Sundin 7.35 Mattias Ohlund 3.08 Steve Bernier -0.8 Ryan Johnson 1.2 1.2 Kyle Wellwood 6.98 Kevin Bieksa 3.12 Ryan Kesler -1.5 Shane O'Brien 0.9 3.6 Ryan Kesler 5.78 Alex Burrows 3.18 Shane O'Brien -1.8 Pavol Demitra 0.8 0.8 Pavol Demitra 5.14 M. Raymond 3.37 Mattias Ohlund -5 Mattias Ohlund 0.6 1.7 Mattias Ohlund 4.9 Sami Salo 4.16 Mason Raymond -5.4 Willie Mitchell 0.5 1.6 Alex Edler -6.9 Ossi Vaananen 0 0 Sami Salo -8.3 Daniel Sedin 0 0.8 Face-offs Jannik Hansen -9.9 Sami Salo 0 0 Player Face-Offs Taken FO% Willie Mitchell -10.2 Jannik Hansen 0 0 Ryan Johnson 77 61.0 Kyle Wellwood -13.8 Darcy Hordichuk 0 2 Mats Sundin 53 60.4 Rick Rypien -15.1 Alex Edler 0 0.7 Kyle Wellwood 64 53.1 Darcy Hordichuk -34.5 Ryan Kesler 0 0.8 Ryan Kesler 57 52.6 Ryan Johnson -36.1 Mats Sundin 0 1.4 Henrik Sedin 108 46.4 Total Playoff Rank: 3rd 54.3 Matt’s Musings

Don’t Hate The Game, Hate The Player Much has been made of how boring the Hawks Game 3 Quenneville does not get a pass for the situation the Hawks loss to the Canucks Tuesday night was. The Canucks would have find themselves now in, either. In game 2, Q showed a willingness to made Jacques Lemaire and Ken Hitchcock proud with how well they adapt, and put a mucker/grinder/loose-puck-finder on every line, and executed the vaunted neutral-ice trap. With no momentum break- it yielded fantastic results. It’s likely Quenneville assumed that with ing into the offensive zone, and no clean entry at that blue line, the the last change at home now, he could get the matchups he wanted, Blackhawks generated very little offensively and rarely tested the and would not have to resort to shuffling the lines again. But Alain perpetually greasy-looking Roberto Luongo. Vigneault got pro-active by deciding to be passive, and is out-coach- While the easy thing for Blackhawks fans to do would be ing The Mustachioed One. Quenneville will likely need to revisit to blame the tactic and decry it as being “not real hockey”, it would game 2’s strategy, or some approximation thereof, if he’s going to not be the right thing to do. This is Round Two break the trap. of the , and the Canucks -- Ultimately, it’s up to the players, however. while having conceded that they are lesser skilled Everyone in the building on both sides knows and slower than the Hawks, as well as making that the Blackhawks are the faster team, and they the game about as entertaining as shoving pipe are perfectly capable of winning foot races to cleaners up your urethra -- are doing absolutely loose pucks, particularly with forward momentum everything they need to do to win. against a backwards skating defensemen. How- No, the responsible thing as a fan would ever, they need to decide how much they want be to demand that the Hawks adjust accordingly, it, both in their discretion in carrying the puck in and start dumping the puck in. For the entire year, versus chipping it in, as well as in the subsequent the Blackhawks have seemingly refused to adhere Matt McClure battles down low if the puck is indeed sent there. to this strategery. When playing a puck-posses- Sacha Baron Luongo, for all his talent, is no sion game with higher octane teams like , Marty Brodeur when comes to handling the puck. San Jose, and Boston, the Hawks skated stride for stride with them. Blackhawk forwards will need to bust their asses getting into the Yet, they lost three times to the , and teams like Co- zone to force him into poor decisions when playing the puck. lumbus and Nashville gave them fits. Even during Tuesday’s autopsy The Canucks, from their coach to throughout the roster, have on CSI: West Madison, Duncan Keith admitted as much, stating “We now shown their willingness to do whatever it takes to win at this need to use our speed and chip it in behind their D and get on the time of year, and have thrown down the gauntlet as if to say “We’re forecheck. We didn’t do that enough tonight.” going to do this as ugly as is necessary; that’s how badly we want With all of the press after the Calgary series and after game to beat you”. Do the Hawks have enough speed, grit, and humility, 2’s victory regarding the Blackhawks being far more physical than to admit that their skill has been neutralized, and they’re going to initially advertised, one would think they’d be more willing to switch need to find an alternate path to victory? Tonight will give us a good to this style, but for some reason, we just haven’t seen it yet. For all indicator of whether this young team has learned on the fly, or going the plaudits he’s received for his line juggling and steadying pres- to learn the hard way. ence, coach Joel Quenneville needs to strictly enforce this if it’s ever going to get through to the team. If he’s willing to (justifiably) Matt McClure is 1/3 of our blog-wing, Second City Hockey.com, and bench Kane for a lazy-ass penalty 180 away from his net in a crucial also one of the editor’s main drinking buddies. You decide which job playoff game, then he in theory should be willing to do so when is harder. You can reach him at [email protected] to he coughs the puck up at the Canuck blue line after trying to stick send your sympathies. handle through the four players stacked across the line. Assuming, of course, that Q is indeed attempting to drill this concept into their skulls. Yes, there are times Kane is going to be able to get through them and do something spectacular, but the odds of that happening are slim, and at this stage in the series, the Hawks can’t afford to wait for that play to happen.

STANLEY CUP PLAYOFF LEADERS Goals Points GAA SV% Player Team G Player Team P Player Team GAA Player Team SV% 1 PIT 8 1 ANA 14 1 S. Varlamov WAS 1.64 1 Jonas Hiller ANA .955 2 A. Ovechkin WAS 8 2 Sidney Crosby PIT 14 2 Tim Thomas BOS 1.71 2 S. Varlamov WAS .942 3 CAR 7 3 A. Ovechkin WAS 13 3 Jonas Hiller ANA 1.74 3 Tim Thomas BOS .941 4 E. Malkin PIT 6 4 PIT 12 4 R. Luongo VAN 1.92 4 R. Luongo VAN .935 5 Alex Semin WAS 5 5 Alex Semin WAS 11 5 C. Osgood DET 1.95 5 Cam Ward CAR .935 7 Patrick Sharp CHI 5 9 Patrick Sharp CHI 8 11 N. Khabibulin CHI 2.81 12 N. Khabibulin CHI .897 The Fifth Feather Attack of the Newbie Douche Nozzles Well, here we are in May, watching Blackhawks hockey. For the tion like that in public. Hawks fans who saw Lyle Odelein and Boris Mironov on the same blue Don’t leave a playoff game early unless the Hawks are trailing by line, this is far overdue. For the newbie fans, welcome. We at the Feather 2 goals or more and there is less than 15 seconds left. While the playoffs appreciate your help filling out the UC, and Hawks management appreciates are new to all of us, let’s not forget the Hawks have already rallied from that your money is just as green as everyone else’s. deficits of two and three goals just in the past week. That’s not to mention There’s been a lot of hand-wringing this year by Hawk fans of yore that Boston University scored two goals in 35 seconds to force in over the newbies, but really, everyone has to start somewhere. You have this year’s NCAA Championship. So, when you exit early like that, you’re every right to appreciate and learn this game just like the older fans once admitting to everyone you really don’t like hockey and that you’re just there had to do. In the meantime, though, the last thing you want to do is make it because it’s the cool new thing to do. painfully obvious to everyone in your section that you are, in fact, a newbie But, beware: newbie Hawk fans can’t necessarily count on the douche nozzle. more seasoned Blackhawk fans to guide the way. Newbie fans should im- mediately attempt to identify the uniquely drunken man in the sweat-stained Here’s a list of things to remember to keep yourself from becoming that polyester jersey procured from Gunzo’s in the early ‘80s. While he looks guy... like he has attended a large number of games in his life, as evinced by the cigarette behind his ear, he probably can’t recall any of them. But before we start, let’s make sure we’re all clear here: This is Do not emulate this man. And, if you can’t find him, just look NOT a couple of crotchety Hawk fans complaining about ALL the newbies. harder. 95% of the newbies are fine; we love you for the mere fact that you help fill As you begin to study his behavior like a sociology PhD candidate up the United Center on a nightly basis. We couldn’t have done this without in Central Park, you’ll notice he commits the three deadly sins of Hawk fan- you, and we hope you decide to stay for good. dom, all of which involve yelling overly simplistic, uninformed instructions No, this is to the minority of fans who are giving us all a bad name to Blackhawk players. with their douche-like behavior. And, finally, all of the behavior mentioned First, the man will yell, “SHOOT!” on the power play. Listen, below has been witnessed by one of us at some point during this season at Cam Barker was the third overall pick in the 2004 NHL Draft; he’s twice the UC. won gold with in World Junior Don’t even think about flying a Championships; he played parts of five sea- ‘W’ flag or buying a ‘W’ t-shirt. This was sons of major junior hockey in the WHL; cute before the Winter Classic, but it’s been and, he’s currently an NHL defensemen. five months since the New Year’s Day clash He’s been the power play quarterback at at Wrigley Field, and few probably even each of his career stops, and he knows - I remember who won the game. So, why promise you - his team needs to “shoot” are we still subjected to this garbage? The to score goals on the power play. No one Cubs have their own traditions; the Sox have their own traditions; the Bears needs to tell him – even if the screamer plays “rat time” at Franklin Park have their own traditions; the Bulls have their own traditions. Let’s leave twice a week. them all at their respective stadiums. We’re not going to show up to the Cell Next, if you listen closely, he’ll attempt to begin a “Detroit sucks” in July and applaud through the national anthem, and we’re not going to chant. Nevermind you’re at a December game versus Anaheim with your go to a Bulls game and scream, “SHOOT!” every time the ball crosses half newbie friends and the hated Wings have won nine of the last ten Central court. Division crowns; this guy doesn’t care. Don’t attempt to leave your seat during play. Just trust us on this Finally, the man will yell “Hit somebody” repeatedly. He doesn’t one. The beer can wait; the beating you’re likely to receive won’t. care the Hawks are killing a penalty or that the Blackhawk defensemen have Don’t substitute the word ‘Blackhawks’ into the songs, “Go Cubs been caught on the ice for 80 seconds. ‘Tell someone who cares,’ he’ll say. Go” or “Go-Go White Sox”. There’s nothing wrong with the song, “Here Come the Hawks”. It’s just as cheesy as the aforementioned songs. The We hope this helps. Blackhawks have been around just as long as those two teams, so let’s let them have their own lame song from a generation ago. And, remember: we’re not doing this because of a selfish desire Don’t question why the Blackhawks aren’t wearing their Winter to ridicule or discourage new fans. Quite the opposite, we’re doing this for Classic jersey more often. In case you hadn’t noticed, the Blackhawks’ your own well being. Other grizzled veteran Hawk fans aren’t so nice, and jerseys are some of the best in all of sports. While the Winter Classic jerseys we’d like to make sure your newbie season isn’t your first and last. were sweet, they still can’t compete with the beauties the Hawks wear on So, for all you newbies, follow these few, simple suggestions and a nightly basis. Besides, the newbie douche nozzles will have plenty of you too can avoid becoming a douche nozzle. The last thing the United chances next year to wear their authentic Classic jerseys when the Hawks Center needs to become is a safe haven for guys wearing two polo shirts use them as their third jersey (assuming the newbies are still around at that with their collars popped. The mere sight of that will kill the grizzled old point). meatballs. Don’t ask why the players are wearing shorts. Those aren’t shorts; they’re called pants, and they contain enough padding to stop a bullet from Come to think of it, maybe that’s not such a bad idea…. the barrel of a Civil War era musket. If players didn’t wear those, the entire NHL would be on the injured list with the dreaded ‘lower-body injury’. The Fifth Feather is written by Bob and John, and really is a superb Hawks Don’t ask why they sing “O Canada” before games involving a blog, helping to make the Hawks blogosphere one of the best around. We’re Canadian opponent. We’ll give the benefit doubt on this one because really, also thankful to them for making the term “douche-nozzle” appear in our other than the Blue Jays and Raptors coming to town a few times a year, no pages, it’s long overdue. other opponents north of the border visit Chicago. So maybe some people don’t know better. With that being said, you would have had to have been cranked over the head with a sledge hammer too many times to ask a ques- The Making of The

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR DRAFT FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Samuel Pahlsson (COL 7th round 1996) and Brian Campbell (BUF 6th Logan Stephenson (PHX 2nd round 2004) from round 1997 ANA for (CHI 5th round Cristobal Huet (LA 7th round 2002) and Petri Kontiola (CHI 7th round 2004) 2001) Matt Walker (STL 3rd round 1998) Aaron Johnson (CLB 3rd round 2001) 2007-2008 Patrick Kane (1st round) Ben Eager (PHO 1st round 2002) from PHI for Brent Sopel (VAN 6th round (FA PHI 2000) 1995) Andrew Ladd (CAR 1st round 2004) from CAR for Tuomo Ruutu (CHI 1st round 2001) 2006-2007 Jonathan Toews (1st round) Martin Havlat (OTT 1st round 1999) from OTT and Bryan Smolinski (BOS 1st round 1990) for Tom Preissing (FA SJ 2003), Josh Hennessy (SJ 2nd round 2003) and Michael Barinka (CHI 2nd round 2003) Kris Versteeg (BOS 5th round 2004) from BOS for Brandon Bochenski (OTT 7th round 2001) 2005-2006 (4th round) Patrick Sharp (PHI 3rd round 2001) from PHI Nikolai Khabibulin (WIN 9th for Matt Ellison (CHI 4th round 2002) and CHI round 1992) 3rd round pick 2006 2004-2005 Cam Barker (1st round) Dave Bolland (2nd round) Troy Brouwer (7th round) 2003-2004 Brent Seabrook (1st round) Colin Fraser (PHI 3rd round 2003), Jim Van- Dustin Byfuglien (8th round) dermeer (PHI FA 2000) and 2004 2nd round pick from PHI for Alex Zhamnov and 2004 4th round pick (WIN 4th round 1990) 2002-2003 Duncan Keith (2nd round) Adam Burish (9th round)

COACHES GM HISTORY Head Coach-Joel Quenneville (2005-Present) Assistant Coach-John Torchetti Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long) Assistant Coach-Mike Haviland Mike Smith (2001-2004) Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin Bob Murray (1999-2000) Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite The Making of The info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Steve Bernier (SJ 1st round 2003) from BUF Pavol Demitra (OTT 9th round for 2009 3rd round pick and 2010 2nd round 1993) pick Darcy Hordichuk (ATL 6th round Shane O’Brien (ANA 8th round 2003) and 2000) Michel Ouellet (PIT 4th round 2000) from TB Ryan Johnson (FLA 2nd round for Lukas Krajicek (FLA 1st 2001) 1994) Jason LaBarbera (NYR 3rd round 1998) from Mats Sundin (QUE 1st round 1989) LA 2009 7th round pick Kyle Wellwood (TOR 5th round 2001)- off Rob Davison (SJ 5th round 1998) Ossi Vaananen (PHX 2nd round 1998)-off waivers 2007-2008 2006-2007 Taylor Pyatt (NYI 1st round 1999) from BUF Wille Mitchell (NJ 8th round 1996) for 2006 4th round pick Roberto Luongo (NYI 1st round 1997), Lukas Krajicek (FLA 1st 2001), and 2006 6th round pick from FLA for (VAN 1st round 1998), (NYI 1st round 1993), and (FLA 2nd round 1999) 2005-2006 Mason Raymond (2nd Alex Burrows (Undrafted FA) round) Rick Rypien (Undrafted FA) 2004-2005 Alex Edler (3rd round) Jannik Hansen (9th round) 2003-2004 Ryan Kesler (1st round) 2002-2003 Sami Salo (OTT 9th round 1996) from OTT for Peter Schaefer (VAN 3rd round 1995) 2001-2002 Kevin Bieksa (5th round) 1999-2000 Daniel Sedin (1st round) Henrick Sedin (1st round) 1996-1997 1994-1995 Mattias Ohlund (1st round)

COACHES GM HISTORY Head Coach: Alain Vigneault 2007-Present: Asst. Coach: Rick Bowness 2005-2007: Asst. Coach: Ryan Walter 1999-2005: Asst. Coach: Darryl Williams 1988-1999: Pat Quinn Goaltending Coach: Ian Clark The Hawks Record When...

Playing at home...... 27-10-8 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 2-4-1 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 3-11-4 Playing on road...... 24-18-4 Taking 30 or more shots...... 36-19-8 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 20-12-4 Scoring first...... 35-7-5 Taking less than 30 shots..... 15-9-4 Are even close on face-offs..... 31-16-8 Opponent scores first...... 16-21-7 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 20-9-6 Eddie O tells crew to “stop it right here!”.... 41-22-12 Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 5-2-1 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 31-19-6 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 22-7-7 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 23-8-8 during 4-on-4...... 41-22-12 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 1st of a back-to-back...... 6-6-3 screws up a name...... 47-22-12 Crack the Skye!!! .... 0-1-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 9-5-2 Ice Crew wear skirts...... 8-1-3 Playing on a Monday...... 3-3-1 Opponent played night before.... 11-5-2 Ice Crew wear pants...... 3-1-0 Playing on a Tuesday...... 7-5-0 Taking more than 5 penalties..... 18-18-5 Ice Crew wear shorts.... 16-8-5 Playing on a Wednesday...... 10-2-4 Taking 5 or less penalties.... 33-10-7 Member of Ice Crew hilariously falls on her shapely ass.... 0-1-0 Playing on a Thursday...... 3-4-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 9-7-7 Leading after 2 periods...... 39-2-4 Playing on a Friday...... 6-4-4 Burish takes a penalty...... 12-8-2 Losing after 2 periods...... 3-20-4 Playing on a Saturday...... 11-5-3 Keith takes a penalty...... 16-6-3 Tied after 2 periods...... 9-6-4 Playing on a Sunday...... 11-5-0 Sharp takes a penalty...... 10-3-2 In overtime...... 7-5 Savard changes lines during game... 1-2-1 Toews takes a penalty..... 11-8-3 In shootout...... 4-7 Coach Q keeps lines as they are..... 50-26-11 Havlat takes a penalty.... 8-4-1 Cam Barker plays...... 43-24-9 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 11-22-4 Sopel takes a penalty...... 3-2-1 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 6-2-3 Outshoot opponent...... 37-18-7 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 7-5-5 Lacking a #2 center...... 38-22-9 Are outshot by opponent.... 13-10-5 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 33-24-9 In 1-goal games..... 14-7-12 Havlat shies from contact...... 16-6-6 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-8-3 In 2-goal games...... 16-11-0 Patrick Kane scores...... 14-9-3 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 5-4-4 In 3-goal games...... 11-6-0 Jonathan Toews scores...... 18-3-6 No fights in 300 Level..... 19-5-4 In 4+ goal games...... 9-3-0 Martin Havlat scores...... 19-5-2 Playing Eastern Conference..... 9-7-3 Scoring 3+ goals..... 47-9-8 Patrick Sharp scores...... 18-5-2 Playing Western Conference..... 42-22-9 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 4-18-4 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 10-3-1 Playing Central Division...... 10-7-7 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Dustin Byfuglien wins a foot-race??!!!!!..... 3-1-0 Playing Northwest Division.... 17-10-1 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 27-10-8 Andrew Ladd scores...... 14-0-1 Playing Pacific Division 15-5-1 PA plays Stranglehold...... 9-3-4 Dave Bolland scores...... 12-2-5 Playing Atlantic Division 2-3-2 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Adam Burish scores...... 5-2-1, and totally ruins that joke Playing NASCAR Division 4-1-0 Fraser fights...... 7-3-1 51 Phantom scores...... 4-3-1 Playing Northeast Division 3-2-1 Burish fights...... 5-2-0 Duncan Keith scores...... 5-3-0 Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Seabrook fights..... 1-0-0 Brent Seabrook scores...... 5-1-2 Playing in November.... 6-3-3 Barker fights...... 0-0-2 VerStud scores.... 14-8-1 Playing in December...... 10-1-1 Buff fights...... 1-1-2 Troy Brouwer scores.... 8-0-0 Playing in January..... 7-6-1 Sharp fights...... 1-0-0 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 35-14-10 Playing in February..... 7-4-1 Eager fights...... 11-4-2 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 16-13-2 Playing in March...... 6-7-2 On Comcast...... 39-16-9 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 22-21-10 Playing in April...... 10-3-1 On WGN...... 11-7-3 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 28-7-2 Playing in May.... 1-1-0 On Vs...... 1-6-0 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 7-2-0 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 27-6-8 On NBC.... 1-1-0

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