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$3 We Know Your Anger, We Know Your Dreams, We’ve Been Everything You Want To Be $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com May 7th, 2009 [email protected] THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A KABOOM Maybe we have this wrong, but we and the players themselves don’t have to do that maybe this team has started to run out were told, before the playoffs started, that much. This is the second round of the play- of gas. Keith has been awful the past two with the anthem and the general loony bin offs, kids. 60 minutes is required, otherwise games. Toews has disappeared, Jesus Havlat that the United Center has become, the Hawks you can see how that seven-iron feels in your only seems to be appearing on posters behind would feed off that energize and terrorize op- hands. Or your dick. Steve Konroyd’s head. This kind of game is ponents from the get-go. Suddenly, we em- Plan 9 From Outer Space going to take a monumental effort, and we’re pathize with Marvin The Martian, because only So, what has to happen tonight? not 100% sure the Hawks have it. But then once out of four home playoff games have we Second City colleague Matt McClure will break again, these guys still get carded at bars, so gotten our first period kaboom. Somehow, we this down better on page 12, but the Hawks that doesn’t seem much of an excuse. doubt Bugs is to blame. have to give up on their fireworks display. It’s Patience will also be vital. If the However, not enough credit has been not going to work. The Hawks must play the Hawks play this right, it very well may be 0-0 given to the Canucks. They were marvel- simplest game they have all season. Oh, and for a long time. The Canucks proved they can ous. Their forwards stopped trying to go all they’ll probably have to play their best one, wait for their chance in Game 3 (i.e. Eager fall- fire-wagon and were extremely disciplined, too. Just for shits, you know. ing asleep on a Bieksa pinch), can the Hawks? both in not taking penalties (only three penal- Secondly, any shot is a good one Marbles ties from the Vancouver front men) and also tonight. Now, the Hawks reluctance to let Most of all, here’s what tonight’s sticking to Alain Vigneault’s trap, leaving the fly was in part due to the Iron Curtain/Naval about: We’ve all made jokes about most of Hawks no space. They were even better in blockade the Canucks employed, seemingly the roster’s inability to grow playoff beards. their own zone, where they backchecked, and blocking 238 shots (it was 21, which is still But right here is where we found out some- gave their d-men options on getting the puck a shocking number). Naturally, the Hawks thing much more important than what they out, instead of firing up the ice and leaving became tentative, not wanting another doink can grown on their face, that being what the blueliners stranded, as they had in Games off a shin-pad and out of the zone. Doesn’t they’ve got between their legs. Have they got 1 and 2. Also, 10 of them recorded a blocked matter this evening. Pucks must get through, the balls to face the first must-have game shot. Their effort was one to be seen, and and there must be lots of them (we’re turning most of them have seen? Against a team that Vigneault should be complemented for getting into Al Davis here. “He must go down, and is simply daring you to want it more than they his men to adjust to the problems they were he must go down hard.” Pretty soon we’ll be do? Playing a game that doesn’t suit you? We facing. fitted for plastic pants. Now that’ll get us ar- don’t know the answer to any of these. But Contrast that with The Men of Four rested!!!). Luongo’s rebound control has not the Hawks have smiled at every challenge Feathers. Through the first five minutes the been sparkling this series, there are chances thrown at them this season, there’s no reason Hawks did have some jump, and the build- there. to think they won’t do the same to this one. ing had some energy. They even got the This kind of game doesn’t suit the -Foghorn Leghorn first power play, which was quickly snuffed Hawks, and there also is a fear here at HQ out by a questionable goalie-interference call on Buff. From then out, when faced with a stacked neutral zone, and opposition blue line, the Hawks never adjusted. Their forwards still streaked for stretch passes that weren’t possible, leaving defensemen with no options, leading to ponderous play, leading to some killer turnovers. Clearly, the Hawks are allergic to playing an ugly game. They are under the impression they’ll score four or five every night, and there is something to be admired in that. But in a span of sixw weeks the Canucks have come in here twice and sat on the Hawks’ face, and the Hawks haven’t done much to change that. Are the Hawks built for a grind- it-out, glass-chew, trench warfare type of game? Probably not. Doesn’t mean they can’t play one for a while, long enough to get the first goal (the first goal? That’s an interesting tactic, how does that work?). Another disappointment is that the Hawks appear to be under the impression that merely being home is enough. They must think that the opposition will be urinating on themselves due to the noise in the building, FROM THE EDITOR I’ll apologize for getting a little off-topic here, but there is something I don’t know if this Balsillie is good news or bad news. Blackberrys are a pox going on in hockey I would like to address. I’m sure most of you have caught upon society, but there’s no question he’s a forward thinker with sound business it, but the Phoenix Coyotes have filed Chapter 11 and Blackberry maven Jim sense. How many of those are crawling around NHL boardrooms right now? Balsillie is poised to purchase them (at a terribly inflated price) and move them Trust me, if all of them shared a joint with you, you’d get at least two turns. to Southern Ontario. Unfortunately, Bettman gets his way all the Naturally, Gary Bettman is going to fight this time. It’s a shame that most owners can’t wake up and tooth and nail, and he’s probably going to win. And it’s see that he’s been bad for the sport, plain and simple. It’s a goddamn shame. I don’t mean to insult what fans there been 16 years since Bettman was brought in to widen the are in Phoenix. I can’t imagine what it would be like to sport’s appeal and audience. How’s that going, anyway? have a team pick up and move away from you, know- Logically, would owners want to keep prop- ing you won’t have hockey to watch live. That doesn’t ping up a complete basketcase of a franchise, or have mean, however, that Phoenix isn’t a total disaster of a another thriving one, as a Hamilton team almost certainly market. First, they played in an arena that simply wasn’t would? Bettman just seems to have a power over the big enough for a rink. Then they moved to Glendale and owners though (but apparently not Rocky, who went on signed a lease that not even Mayor Daley could have an anti-Versus tangent the other day that definitely would thought up, with no part of parking going to the Yotes. have had The Little Man stomping his feet). Why can’t Oh, and it’s Phoenix, which means, of course, NO ONE Sam Fels they see that this guy took a sport at its peak, 1994 after FUCKING CARES ABOUT HOCKEY! Michael Jordan retired and the Rangers had won the The worst part, and the one Bettman should Cup, and immediately threw it into a lockout to lose all take a serious look at, is the look on people’s face when momentum? Bettman is the one who over-extended the talent pool, leading to you tell them you’re going to see the Hawks play Phoenix. “Phoenix has a the garbage, clutch-and-grab hockey that no one could take. It’s Bettman who team? Why?” It just strains credibility. That’s not to say there aren’t warm- took away our divisional playoffs that we loved so dear, and saw markets that weather markets that can’t support hockey, it’s just that Phoenix has proven to have no business with a team come in through the door. It was he who nearly not be one of them. killed the sport four years ago, and it was he who put them on Versus, which But none of this matters to our little Napoleon Butthead. He’s going the rest of the sports world is laughing at. Where is the wider exposure the to prove that Phoenix can thrive as a hockey town, no matter how much it costs, owners sought with his hiring? Probably somewhere around “soccer becom- or how many people are turned aside to do so.

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