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VOLUME CVII, NUMBER 22 PASADENA, CALIFORNIA ApRIL 10, 2006 sh

BY: MCNAMARA and launched their own website, http://www.mitcannon.com/. The score was 6 to 1 as of According to Caltech Media March. But as of April 6, MIT Relations, "the Caltech campus struck back "That's gotta be is taking the prank with much worth at least 10 points - not good humor." But why not? really for originality, but more The cannon does not, accord- for execution," according to some, belong to Caltech. an the plan~ they must have done, they made one flaw," remarked Flem- o ing frosh Deepak ~ Mishra, "that they ~ took the Flem­ ",. ~ mg cannon, not a § Caltech cannon." ~ The cannon sits 13 now by the Green S building which was pranked last year by a laser show displaying the letters "c" "A" "I....." "T" "E" "C" "H." MIT added MIT students enjoy Fleming's fine cannon. The cannon is now located at East Campns, an MIT dorm. This plaque explains the cannon's trip "a large Brass Rat made of gold-plat­ being put to use. Photographs with the cannon. In fact, forget Caltech's policy, is selling T­ http://www.caltechvsmit.com/ ed aluminum" to the barrel ofthe are being posted on MIT's web­ the cannon," remarked senior shirts to commemorate the a site keeping track on the on­ cannon, according to a plaque site of bikini-clad coeds posing Jeff Phillips. Those who have event. Expect this prank war to going prank war. MIT made it commemorating the transport of with the cannon. They can be been here for a shorter period of escalate. known to the world that they the cannon. found at http://web.mit.edu/ec/ time reacted differently. Those were responsible for the March Despite being away from www/cannoncoeds/. Reactions quotes are not printable. Note: Caltech's Prefrosh Week­ 28 disappearance last Thursday Fleming house, the cannon is are mixed. "I say take 'em back MIT, taking a cue from end starts the 20th.

Partying Italian Style at Lloyd Hawking Brings the rowds

BY: ZEB ROCKLIN members of the team seniors, this would be their last chance. Last the first of the Patrick President of the Caltech Chess Club and mas­ a humorous slideshow that was '--''''''"''.11 almost won the BY: MARISSA CEVALLOS US Amateur Team National ter Caltech on how Malruey, a frosh fellow master, Eu- to under­ the third time As Caltech qualifil~d was on board two. stand so much the Liu of the universe. adcl1tlCH1 to

Away 2 War on the on Drugs 4 Page 3 Gay Scientists! Page 5 3 Fencers Compete Regionals Page 7 2 THE CALIFORNIA TECH NEWS APRIL 10, 2006

of time, chess players typically Continued from page 1 enjoy as much as three hours in BY: MARENA LIN staircase. This left nearly 70 in­ tropical regions. with an additional 5 seconds per tournaments, and often use every jured and 29 dead. move. Unlike the regional cham­ minute. Pressured by the clock, Brazil's First Astronaut Disaster After Tornadoes pionships, the National Cham­ Liu had lost a piece, and narrow­ pionship is played by computer, ly missed a win. He was finally Brazilian Marcos Ponte be­ More Photos from Mars Residents of Gallatin, Tennes­ with only electronic communica­ checkmated with only six seconds came the first astronaut in space see sort through the wreckage left Processed tion connecting each competitor on his clock. when he made the 250 mile trip in the wake of fierce storms for Scientists at NASA's JPL have to his opponent. Caltech's first It was almost unbelievable. to the international space station, the second time in the last week. processed photographs from opponents were the winners of After three hours-no, after four arriving on April 1st. Ponte had Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, the Midwest's regional champi­ years-the championship would made the weeklong journey with revealing more information about Bush's Credibility Taking onship. As play was scheduled to be decided in seconds. The tour­ an American and a Russian, both the influence of meteor impacts, Dive begin at lOAM, a serious problem nament director was hovering ofwhom were embarking on a six water, and wind in shaping the Back in 2003, former Vice became evident. Play on boards overGutman's shoulder, as caught month mission orbiting the Earth. landscape. President's chief of staff Libby three and four proceeded normal­ up in the game as everyone else, He landed in safely Kazakhstan leaked classified information to a ly, but neither of the Midwest's and each member of the Caltech on April 8th. Early Christian Manuscript New York Times reporter hoping top two boards was present. Was team was evaluating Gutman's Found to encourage an article that U.S. it possible that they had forgotten position, trying to determine what Iraqis Angered by Egypt's After 1,700 years, this manu~ intelligence firmly believed that about daylight savings time? hope they had. President script was found in the Egyptian Saddam Hussein sought nuclear Tournament directors were The mood was grim. Gutman Egypt's President Mubarak desert in a papyrus manuscript. weapons. This information has present at each tournament site to had played well, achieving strong made the statement that civil war This version details how Judas only recently surfaced, possibly ensure that no cheating occurred. positions, but had missed some was imminent in Iraq, which in­ was told by Jesus that he would leading Bush's credibility and This requirement was expressed chances to convert his advantage. vited much criticism from Iraqi exceed his fellow disciples by reputation as a "straight-shooter" in the copious amounts of emails Now, the game was coming down leaders. Many others are up in giving Jesus to the authorities. to take dives. that went into organizing the to how wen the could play arms about whether Iraq is in fact event. However, the Midwest's with those few remain- already embroiled in a civil war. Filariasis: Unm Rescue Turned two best players had apparently ing to them, a situation known as spoken Pain Awry planned to compete from a non­ blitz. Advantage rocketed back Iraq Mosque Attack Leaves In Haiti, a parasite-induced Two ski patrol officers at Mam­ approved site. By the time they and forth, as the careful position Dozens condition commonly known for moth Lakes died Saturday after were informed that this was il­ Gutman had built up was trans­ 79 people are left dead after a causing Elephantiasis plagues falling into a crevasse created legal, there was too little time to figured, and moves became wild triple-suicide bombing, which oc­ victims whose systems come to by a volcanic vent. Rescuers had reach the site in time to compete. and strange. Ultimately, his invis­ curred as worshippers were leav­ have trouble draining lymph flu­ originally treated this as a trau­ Hummel and Yanayt were favored ible opponent marched his pieces ing Buratha after Friday prayers. ids. Few surgeons are able to treat matic injury accident, not real­ in both their games. Since the across the board, and Caltech had the illness, which also causes izing that the victims were im­ winner of the match was the team lost. Pakistani Stampede Leaves scrotums to enlarge to the size of mersed in a toxic carbon dioxide with the most wins, this prevented When Gutman finally resigned Trail of Dead basketballs. The hope is that fu­ environment. them from winning the match in and stood up from the computer, The stampede was triggered ture distribution of de-worming the initial time. However, if both he looked like he had just run to when people rushed to help a medication will treat the wide­ Composed from BBC news, NY boards three and four won, they the east coast and back. The phys­ single girl who had tripped at the spread nature of this disease in Times, LA times, and CNN. would force a playoff. ical and mental toll chess takes on However, Caltech was more a player was evident on his face. than up to the task before them. "I hate blitz," he exhaled. Liu lost on board three, but Gut­ Afterwards, the team spoke qui­ man forced a draw in a winning etly and went over their games. Houses Council Dissolves position to clinch the match. In While practicany any other team the other semifinal, the East beat would have regarded finishing such as events and dealings Council member. the South 3-1. second in the nation as a success, BY: JOHN MCNAMARA with the rest of the Caltech The amendment to dissolve At 3 PM, play began again. this one clearly did not. The mood community. the Avery Council passed Like their 2004 finals, this was was sad, but Hummel pointed out A shakeup in the student The power formerly vested with a landslide 57 votes for, a classic East Coast-West Coast that their career as a team had to government of Avery House in the Avery Council has been 3 against and 9 abstains. The battle. Tension was high. While be viewed as a success. This is of has many wondering about consolidated into the Execu­ vote total of 69 votes does the mood oftheir opponents could course an enormous understate­ the future of the mysterious only be guessed at, the Caltech ment. tive Committee, consisting reach quorum. team wanted to win. When these seniors were fresh­ neighbor of the displaced of five officers and headed Other changes in the South Houses. According Play progressed slowly. Some man, no one would have thought by the Avery Chancellor. amendment include remov­ two hours into the match, Yanayt Caltech would become the Na­ to sources within the house, Both the current Chancel­ ing residency requirements achieved a draw on board two. As tional Amateur Champions. They residents ofAvery voted Fri­ lor, sophomore Harold Hsu, of officers, room pick revi­ play continued into the final few did. No team won the tournament day on sweeping changes and Vice-Chancellor, senior sion and changing instances minutes, all three other matches twice in a row. They did. Even to the structure of their stu­ Qing Liu were unavailable of the word "shall" in the continued. Finally Hummel, who after finishing third the previous dent government. The most for comment. constitution to "will." In ad­ had been steadily grinding down year, no one doubted that they significant change includes "There seemed to be a con­ dition, the Vice Chancellor his lower-rated opponent, an­ would win the Western Ama­ the dissolution of the Avery nounced a win, putting Caltech in teur Team Championships. They sensus that the system need­ is in charge of the house fi­ the lead. did. After being defeated by the Council, which has handled ed to be replaced," remarked nances instead of the Social the general function ofAvery Shortly after, Liu lost. While East, no one could have said they John Sadowski, an Avery Director. 90 minutes may seem like plenty weren't champions. They were.

ASCIT Board ofDired9rs both Lloyd and Fleming to help * Jed will update the handbook so nication between members on meetings will hopefully be held Minutes from the Olive Walk subsidize about 40 tickets to the it can be used by this year's BoD each committee, and communica­ in a side room of Chandler, adja­ VVednesday,i\priI5,2006 upcoming LA Giants baseball as well as future years' Boards. tion between the committees and cent to the C-Store with the huge game. BoD so the BoD can let the stu­ windows so everyone can see us! Present- Vote: A vote was taken to issue 5. House Social Director Meet­ dent body know ofeverything the Officers: Todd Gingrich, Chris Multihouse funding for the Flem­ ing (Thursday, i\pril 10th) committees are accomplishing. Respectfully Submitted, Watson, Vickie Pon, Csilla Felsen, ing-Lloyd baseball game tickets. * Social Directors from all the * Sign-ups to' be appointed to Vickie Pon Chris Gonzales, Nathan Donnel­ (6Y/ON/OA). Vote passed Houses will have a meeting on committees will occur this term ASCIT Secretary lan, RJ Krom, Craig Montuori Thursday, April 6th, to discuss (Spring term) in a couple weeks! Guests: Alex Siegel, Rob Hunter, 2. Price Trout and plan upcoming social events. New committee members will Xin Ye, Chris Klein, Xan Sonn, * Jeremy came to discuss putting * Soon, the Houses will be bet­ become active at the beginning of California Tech John Shen, Jeremy Ehrhardt Price Trout on donut. He will talk ter directed as to how to apply for Fall term. Caltech 40-58. Pasadena. CA 91125 with Jed and Todd later to figure GSC funding, since it is different advertising desk: (626) 395-6154 * The BoD's "Appointing Ap­ editorial e-mail: [email protected] i\bsent: Jean Sun, Jonathan out the differences and benefits from ASCIT funding, just to get pointment" or meeting will tenta­ Senn of Price Trout vs. Bookmart, the every House up to speed. VOLUME eVIl, NUMBER 22 tively be on Sunday, April 23rd, David Chen Chris Yu latter of which is currently on do­ from 7 pm onward. Jonathan Malmaud Business Manager 1. Funding Requests nut. 6. CRC Sign-ups Jonathan Senn Chandra Barnett a. Xin Ye requested funding to * RJ will be having CRC Reps 9. FDaL Report - Movie Library Co-Editors Circulation take Professor Smolke and 4 un­ 3. Club Funding Meeting (Sun­ sign-ups in each of the Houses to and Bulletin Board Gary Libman dergrads to lunch at the Ath. day, April 9th) get a rep from all 8 houses. Then, * Chris W. is almost ready to Advisor Vote: A vote was taken to grant * The Club Funding Meeting is the list of reps will be presented commence the reincarnation of Xin funding for one professor and coming up this Sunday, i\pril 9th, to the BoD for appointment. The Tech is published weekly except during the ASCIT Movie Library. He vacation and examination periods by the As­ 4 undergrads to lunch at the Ath. from 9:30 am - 1:30 pm. About will be configuring the old BoC sociated Students of the California Institute Vote passed (6Y/ON/OA). 40 clubs have prepared budget 7. ASCIT StaffAwards of Technology. Inc. The opinions expressed laptop for the job as soon as it is herein are strictly those of the anthors and b. Xan Sonn requested funding proposals and will present their * The ASCIT Staff Awards sur­ available. advertisers. for Out ofContext for hosting the proposals to the BoD at the meet­ vey is already up on donut. Fill Letters and submissions are welcome; e-mail * The Bulletin Board will be up­ submissions to [email protected] as plain-text Hook Slide concert. Hook Slide ing. out a survey! dated and decorated (finally) right attachments. including the author's name, is aprofessional a cappella group. * Nate and Chris W. will take Gifts for awardees will be by Friday of the week before publication. * after the club funding meeting on The Tech does aceept anonymous contribu­ It was suggested that OoC look at care of beverages and lunch for something like a $75 gift basket. Sunday, April 9th. Chris W. and tions. The editors reserve the right to edit and additional places on campus for the BoD. abridge all submissions for any reason. All Jean are in charge of decorations. written work remains property of its author. funding as well as asking ASCIT. 8. UDaL Report - Committees The advertisiug deadline is five p.m. Friday; Vote: A vote was taken to give 4. Donut Handbook Nate updated the BoD on his all advertising should be submitted electroni­ * 10. New Meeting Location! cally or as camera-ready art, but The Tech can OoC $300 to cover part of the * Craig dug up an old "Donut progress with meeting with all the * To make the BoD meetings also do simple typesetting and arrangement cost of the concert. Vote passed Handbook" which used to be committees. All advertising inquiries should be directed more visible and accessible while to the business manager at business@caltech. (6Y/ON/ON). passed down from BoD to BoD * Nate's goal is to have under­ edu. For subscription information, please send the South Houses are still under mail to "Subscriptions." c. Alex Siegel and Rob Hunter every year. It details how to use grad reps on all committees and construction, the ASCIT BoD asked for Multihouse funding tor the donut website. to improve the level of commu- THE CALIFORNIA TECH NEWS APRIL 10, 2006 3 to bottle, and even then you weren't restrictions on speech and the it's home-grown.... [We] need to Russian-US relationship. BY: ANNA HISZPANSKI guaranteed a bottle of milk," re­ dogmatism of the government; respect other nations." Current relations between Rus­ counts Polinkovsky. "The only he tried to involve the people in Though never mentioning Pres­ sia and the US have been strained th On Wednesday, March 5 , a people who were guaranteed milk governing. ident Bush or his administration since Russia openly disagreed small group of Caltech under­ were mothers with infants-and "I am still convinced that by name, many of his criticisms with America's war in Iraq. The grads had the opportunity to hear even then they didn't always get without glasnost, freedom, and were clearly made with regards to two countries also differ in their the fonner President of the So­ it. There was a huge lack of con­ democracy, any attempt to re­ Washington. foreign policy approach of Iran viet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev, sumer goods. That was one of the form Soviet society would have "People should not think that and its nuclear weapons pro­ speak at the Pasadena Civic Au"' problems Gorbachev tried to fix." failed.... It never would have suc­ democracy by itself will solve gram. Russia was in favor of a ditorium as part ofthe 2005-2006 Under Communism prior to ceeded had the people not been problems without addressing the diplomatic solution and avoiding Distinguished Speakers Series of Gorbachev, travel across Soviet able to speak out, be involved, social and economic issues.... taking the matter to the UN Secu­ Southern California. Union borders was nearly impos­ and make decisions... ," said Gor­ [We] have to go to the roots of rity Counsel which the US was in Gorbachev was President ofthe sible and life for the average So­ bachev. "And I believe that's the terrorism-talk about the problems support of. Soviet Union from 1985 to 1991, viet citizen was difficult. most important lesson that cause ter­ "If we [US and Russia] work a critical period during Russian "My family was able to come to (from perestroika and rorism," said together, we can only benefit from and world history during which America because of Gorbachev," the changes the Soviet "] believe the Gorbachev. that," said Gorbachev. "Russia is he restructured the Soviet Union said Polinkovsky. Union made): when leaders oftoday "Once again ready to be a partner and cooper­ with his "glasnost" (openness) Gorbachev broke with many of some politicians try to [as during the ate with the US. The remaining and "perestroika" (economic) re­ his Communist Party's previous change things while ig­ should learn Cold War] we question is if the US is ready to forms. He furthermore stabilized policies in reforming the Soviet noring the people, they from the Soviet are being told be an equal partner and cooperate global relations by playing a ma­ Union. are doomed to fail." that war is a with Russia." jor role in ending the Cold War "[We] came to the understand­ The topic of Gor­ leaders ofthat way to solve Gorbachev was interrupted a for which he won the 1990 Noble ing that the system which we lived bachev's talk was "Per­ time to not in­ problems. number of times with applause Peace Prize. in needed to not just be remod­ estroika Twenty Years Some leaders, from the audience and left the "I saw the development of the eled but needed to be replaced Since," and though he terfere in other particularly in stage to a standing ovation. Cold War, and then, when I be­ since the old system did not allow spoke about the past countries. " this country, Polinkovsky himself was moved came the Soviet leader, I helped for innovation and democracy...," and how perestroika say that we are by the experience. bury it," said Gorbachev in his said Gorbachev in his speech. was developed, he de- fighting a war "[Gorbachev] is one ofmy big­ speech. "[Under the previous system,] voted a large part ofhis on terrorism. gest heroes. I think he's amazing. For one of the twelve students all the potential [of Russians and hour-long speech to current polit­ The word war is being implanted He really went against the party who attended the speech, the their country] was not properly ical events, particularly his views in our lives. It would seem that line, and he was brave enough event was particularly momen­ used.... We were. a country rich in on America's war in Iraq and its we cannot live without war." to actually see the problem and tous and personal. Senior Mark natural resources, rich in intellec­ role in world politics. Though critical of the United confront it...," said Polinkovsky Polinkovsky lived under Com- tual resources, but could not pro­ "I believe the leaders' of today States' leadership on the world­ of Gorbachev. "He had the fore­ . munist rule in the then Soviet vide for the citizens.... The need should learn from the Soviet lead­ scene, Gorbachev stated that he sight and ability and took on the Union's Republic of Moldova for for perestroika was knocking at ers of that time to not interfere in would like to see the relationship responsibility of making these seven years. our door and windows." other countries...," said Gorbach­ between Russia and the United significant changes, and that, to "You couldn't buy milk. You One key reform Gorbachev in­ ev to the applause ofthe audience. States strengthened. His words me, is very inspiring." had to wait in line for hours for a stituted was lightening the severe "Democracy only works when came amid recent tensions in the COMMENTARY The atio+++ ofDootll Ie hO" really, short hair at the beginning duct: "No member of the Caltech ens0 rSIp IS itches BY: SONIA TIKOO of my frash year, I expelienced community shall take unfair ad­ quite the opposite. The guys tend­ vantage of any other member of can give in and made Ricketts get Being a woman at Caltech is an BY: BRIAN HANLEY interesting experience. ed to think of me as being one of the Caltech community." rid of a symbol of their house. Not that they didn't warn us them-even to the point where Ofcourse,justbecauseI haven't So apparently, I am too vul­ Really, it seems like the about it. I remember when I was a a group of them wanted me to seen it doesn't mean violations of gar when I review porn. I try to administration likes to bend over prospective student, I got dozens watch Old School with them one women don't happen. Accord­ be honest and tell readers about and say, "Hey trustees! Why day "because it's got boobs in it!" oflittle fliers, booklets, and what­ ing to the 2005 Caltech Annual blank blanking and then tlus blank don't you come over here and fill I wasn't too happy about that pro­ not from the esteemed California Security Report, there were two blanking is too vulgar for some our blanks with your blanks? We posal. That was disrespectful, and reported "forcible sexual encoun­ Institute of Technology. In just editors to publish. So instead of are ready and willing to accept about every piece of literature, I should have retaliated, but I was ters," one of which occurred on hot streams of your blank." The too stunned to do anything about using vulgar words in this article, they mentioned "the ratio," with campus. It not disclosed whether blankification of the administra­ it at the time. I will use blanks to not offend a tone that just begged to be fol­ the offenders were Caltech com­ tion cannot be directly traced to There are many girls who get munity members, but neverthe­ people with my crudeness. lowed up with "OF DOOM!" This is ridiculous. There any individual in the adminis­ A few of my friends from high glommed, though. I've seen it. less the heinousness of such Some girls seem to enjoy the ex­ crimes cannot be ignored. is no reason to censor me in the tration, but since they love to be school were concerned about this paper because I am just explain­ blanked in their blanks, it really disproportion. I must admit, I was tra attention, beginning to put on I guess I could say we are rela­ makeup and dress up a little to tively lucky at Caltech, though. ing the facts of porn. I mean isn't so surprising that we lose the a bit nervous myself. It's not that I things we have come to cherish in didn't know that there were more bdng on extra attention. Many Last year, a self-defense instructor how could you have porn with­ others are frightened and creeped from the Women's Center came out blank blanking, blank blank­ our years at Caltech. men than women pursuing sci­ The moral of the story entific careers. It was a blatantly out. I have found out, by observa­ to speak to the Ruddock wom­ ing, or blank blanking. Seriously, obvious fact, to me at least, from tion over my time here, that yell­ en. She told us that one in three without blank blanking, porn is that the administration likes it observing my AP Biology class ing "get the hell away from me" women our age in Los Angeles wouldn't even be porn. So let me in their blanks, so if you don't senior year which had 17 guys at the top ofone's lungs is a fairly county expedences an assault at review porn and be offensive, be­ like that, leave. Transfer out of and 5 girls in it. effective technique to get rid of one point or another. We're beat­ cause I have freedom of speech, Caltech, don't come here, what­ To say the men in the class glommers. ing the odds. you don't have freedom not to be ever, just go to a university that misbehaved would be an under­ Glomming and its related be­ As much as I wish we lived in offended, that would be retarded. actually deserves the exorbitant statement. Every day, all the guys haviors are just one example a world that completely respects It isn't even just the amount of money that you have would start making incessant of sexual harassment. It can be women, the fact is that society newspaper, the administration to pay them in tuition because argued that sexual harassment sexual references during class, still has quite a ways to go before seems to have blankified too. they don't need you here, they dry-hump each other, or trick a abounds just about everywhere in this dream can be a reality. In the don't want you here. Every time the undergraduate community in meantime, all I can say to my fel­ Look at the "scandal" involv­ girl into bending over to pick up ing the pentagram of Ricketts. the administration gives in to the a dropped item so one of them one form or another. There are ex­ low Caltech women is stand up trustees, they prove to you, me, plicit or innuendo-ridden murals Someone was offended because could grab her from behind and and take proactive action. and anyone else watching, that in several Houses. For example, For those girls who are feeling Christianity was not king and well... one can imagine the reac­ because atheism is evil and they they don't want us here, they tion there. I could only imagine Page has an image of Richard overwhelmed by the number of "Dick" Nixon, and Dabney used men, or feel like they don't have blanked to the administration and don't need happy students, be­ what the guys at Caltech could be the administration decided that cause they can always find people like. to have random scribbles on its enough female friends, there are walls, some referring to sexual many opportunities to hang out they have no reason to stand up just like them who just love to get Suffice to say, when I appeared fucked in the ass. on campus, I was relieved. Grant­ topics or encounters. My house, with other girls. Participate in for traditions of the past, so they ed, there were always random Ruddock, has the BFD, which is Women's Center programs, get crude jokes being cracked, but I a satirical newsletter full of off­ together the girls in your House, didn't really mind. It was noth­ color humor that is published ev­ or join a women's sports team if Editorial Response ing compared to what I was used ery other week, and (before my you are so inclined. These are just to. The jokes generally made fun time) used to contain some level a few ofthe activities that encour­ You have freedom of speech I am an editor. You will certainly of both genders (though I will of pornography. age "girl time," and can be sav­ but we have the freedom, nay, the not find your article on page 8 of not deny most targeted women). It is ironic to see such images ing graces in an otherwise tough obligation to carefully choose this week's Tech so don't even I was amused some of the time. and words coming from guys environment. which articles we publish for the bother looking. who at all other times are, in my Caltech's academics torture us The rest, I simply rolled my eyes benefit of our entire readership. expedence, genuinely respectful enough. We don't have to put up and pondered the question ofhow We have no problem offend­ Thanks kindly, I ever came to be surrounded by towards women. I've never seen with harassment. If a guy is mak­ guys at this school actually berate ing you uncomfortable, let him ing people by presenting un­ Jon Malmaud this much testosterone. popular believes or controversial Features and humour editorh I had a close female friend, a woman, outside of friendly hu­ know it. If you're offended by however, who was not amused at mor (in which case the girl gets something you see in the Houses, cartoons. We do have a problem all. She was so disgusted by the them back). I've never seen Tech take it up with Excomm. Ifyou're using pointless vulgarity in an ar­ testosterone-backed humor that guys grabbing women in a forc­ out late at night, call for a security ticle that provides little real value she effectively moved out of her ible manner with intents of a sex­ escort. They're probably so bored to the vast majority of our reader­ House and was seriously consid­ ual nature. We even have fairly from the lack of disturbances on ship. I, for one, can find porn well eling dropping membership at the good "rules" to support women, campus, they'll love it when you enough on my own, thank you such as the one-man-rule when call. time. I suppose the experience is very much. different for everyone. trying to shower a girl. Most We're talented, hard-working and foremost, though, we are women, and we deserve nothing Indeed, I hereby declare that I was never really glommed. In your articles will never be pub­ fact, thanks to my having really, bound by and adhere to the Honor less than the best. Code-our sacred code of con- lished in The Tech for as long as 4 THE CALIFORNIATECH COMMENTARY APRIL 10, 2006 Bitches is Hoes • t rF In 1 I It h either party was willing to support many questions were raised as to BY: JOSHUA GUTMAN his motion. In fact, Senate Major­ why people were so willing to sit Lately I've come to the conclu­ ity Leader Bill Frist called his ac­ back and watch the Jews die. The sion that the senate is inherently tion a "political stunt" somehow reason for this is that most people flawed. This is not to say that I hinting that he had no merit in his are afraid of making waves. It is know how to fix it, but due to the claim. This claim ofFrist is abso­ absolutely worthless to have a disproportionate representation of lutely typical of the bullshit sena­ person in power that is unwilling the middle of the country in com­ tors, and particularly a republican to stand up for American values, parison with the actual population senators, try to shove down your it's even worse to re-elect them, from this region, the senate has a throat and tell you it tastes good. especially to the presidency. lot ofproblems with pork. No I'm However, Feingold obviously A few more things are worth not talking about that thing men isn't looking for political gain mentioning to showjust how awe­ in Oklahoma men like to give to from this; he is looking to protect some Feingold is. Feingold made their daughters, I'm talking about the American people. a few campaign promises when wasteful spending that is caused Immediately after September he was running for office, one of by the desire of senators to get 11 th, the Senate passed a now which is that he would not take a money for their state whether or controversial bill called the Pa­ single pay raise beyond his salary not this money is being reason­ triot Act in' a 98-1 vote. Who do at the time of his election. He has ably spent. But in this wasteland you ask was the only person with given already over $50,000 back of uselessness there is one light. the testicles (sorry Sen. Clinton) to the treasury from money they His name is Russ Feingold. to vote against the rest of the sen­ have paid him. He also has prom­ Unfortunately for Russ Fein­ ate? Sure enough it was Senator ised to hold a meeting, yes a real gold, no matter how much he tries Russ Feingold. Apparently he meeting not one of Bush's town to take lead, the rest of the senate actually read the bill and real­ hall meetings, in each county in refuses to follow him. Recently ized it was his "patriotic" duty Wisconsin which he has kept. Feingold tried to censure the to vote against it, he is clearly It has become alarmingly apar­ president for his illegal domestic not one looking to ride political ent that other than Feingold, the spying, but not a single senator on propaganda. After the holocaust Senate is bitches. nt e Let e e y ur G ...... &Jlll.Jlll.ea 1 ments to evaluate the effect of ways of chipping away at the bil­ BY: JEFFREY PHILLIPS gourmet food on the test perfor­ lions vaulted up for Science. To s We all know about the budget mance during finals week. Con­ harbor controlled experiments crisis. Town hall meetings, com­ sider a study on how finishing on student well-being, we should da's revenue as of 9/11), can be construction on time effects stu­ consider adding screening rooms, blamed on the US lawmakers, as mittees, discussions, contingen­ BY: RYAN TSUKAMOTO dent moral. Consider a new world we as a nation have failed at pro­ cies; student programs are experi­ activity rooms, and a load of oth­ Disclaimer: the views of the viding an effective method for the encing severe cutbacks across the of creative graft and blessed cor­ er luxuries that were planned for author may be skewed due to ex­ reduction ofdrug abuse. I say we board, and Board and tuition fees ruption in which busses filled the new student center which, as treme intoxication, but probably legalize at least the very drug that with bikini-clad models and kegs I understand it, has been scrapped are relevant. The author is afifth­ grows best in the so-called enemy are skyrocketing. All the while, show up at our parties in the name for plans to build a new engineer­ generation Japanese American, territory: Hashish. Hashish was Caltech is sitting on a wad of and is (however unfortunately) the drug of choice of the original cash big enough to fund research of science. ing building. allied with the United States of assassins (so it must be sweet!); it through the next century. I can only guess how the few Siphoning research dollars America, as well as the State of grows in places that are dry (un­ faculty members might react to away from the sciences to en­ Hawaii). like my homeland). It is a joy to The administration has stated such a proposition, but I can safe­ hance student life is wrong, some smoke, and no study has shown it again and again, that that money Okay... Seriously... We have to be physically addictive (stud­ is earmarked for research. But ly say that the student response might say, even disHonorable. So lost the war on drugs. It's high ies have also shown that the va­ with all the Nobel laureates at would be overwhelming. As most BoC me. Today's students are to­ time we realized this fact. I am a por containing THC mayor may of these experiments stray away morrows donors, and I can't see Libertartian, but don't think that Tech surely someone can devise not have a positive effect on can­ from the hardened sciences, it is students the administration robs my choice to join this party has cer. I as a believer in God believe an experiment which enhances caused me to realize this fact, but that this is a God-send anti-cancer the volume of scientific research clear that a new building be con­ today from giving a whole hell rather, this fact has been a main drug). If there is black-market in put forth by this fine Institute structed to facilitate the further of a lot ten or twenty years down reason why I don't endorse either the US,then we are to blame for enrichment of science and its the line. IfCaltech wants to be the the Democratic or Republican while concurrently enhancing the the so-called terrorists who sell beneficiaries (read Guinea pigs). well-endowed institution it han­ party. Granted, there are several the drug to US college students quality of life experienced by its issues I have with the emphasis of (and professors and ANYBODY, downtrodden undergraduates. This building should host a bank kers to be, we have to start spend­ Libertarian ideals with regards to ofcourse) being able to operate in Consider a Tech where under­ of offices filled with well trained ing with balls. the practicality of immediate im­ a demand-inelastic black market. accountants, lawyers and sociolo­ plementation of Libertarian ideas graduates participate in experi- At any rate, the legalization of gists to devise and evaluate new such as the legalization ofall con­ these controlled substances only trolled substances (though I advo­ means that those who have other­ cate the legalization of Cannabis, wise toiled to produce crops not a substance that has been given ideally suited to their land will an unwarranted bad rep since the be able to produce life-enhancing 1920's, when the drug was re­ narcotics such as Cannabis (es­ named "Mariujuana", whose His­ pecially my home state), a drug panic sound made White Ameri­ medically shown to provide aid cans feel that the drug was the to those in need of effective pain­ choice drug of Black Jazz artists reducing drugs. A prime example and led to the same violence at­ ofthis is available online; the first tributed to drugs such as cocaine time I read about how Marijuana­ and crystal methamphetamine (a dependent victims of chronic dis­ serious problem in my home state eases grow sativa in a cooperative of Hawaii, mind you». made me cry in tears ofjoy at the What funded 9/11? Heroin. «­ spirit of the operation. This par­ Period). 90% oftheTaliban econ­ ticular cooperative exists solely omy was based on the production because the local police choose of Heroin: a physically addicting to ignore the fact that cultivat­ substance that is MUCH WORSE ing Cannabis is a federal crime. than Cannabis. The demand for I say it's high time to recognize Heroin is basically constant since that America's addiction to recre­ the substance itself is very physi­ ational drug use is both real and cally addictive, thus, the cutting problematic under today's legis­ off the supply of heroin (via poli­ lative position of illegalization. cies associated with Nixon's War We should be spending these tax­ on Drugs) effectively creates a payer dollrn;s on effective treat­ black market wherein a supplier ment programs and research into may manipulate the price (even­ the effects of these drugs. Once tually in human lives) to what­ we abandon our idyllic notion of ever he wants. Since the United a drug-free America, we will be States is supposedly a role model able to combat the abuse of now·· for the world, the drug problem in orne beauticians enjoying a controlled substances in a much Caltech would be like this. Europe (the majority of Al Qae- more efficient way. THE CALIFORNIA TECH FEATURES APRIL 10, 2006 5 can knock down the walls of fill with soda, and add one to Counseling Drink o'the Week his current single and have an three dashes bitters to taste. Center entire hallway to himself, but Garnish with a pufferfish Perchance to Dream the sort of things he prints in liver. the paper lead naturally to this The next time your study PillowTalk BY: DAN MCLAURY mal regard for actual flavor, and only this conclusion. group stays up to the point ------•• _.l the potential to bestow But never to fear, gentle of delusions without com­ BY: Lee H. Coleman, Ph.D. Regular readers, you brave an acute case of food poison­ reader, for I would never let pleting anything past the first few, will by now have noted ing on anyone bold enough to you come to harm at Mr. Mc­ question on the set, make up the absence of your usual au­ consume one. To be sure, raw Namara's hands. Not by a a cool pitcher-full or two for thor. Fear not; Mr. McNa­ eggs have been a component long shot. No, if I've got any­ your subsequent suicide pact. mara is alive and well, and of everything from the Prohi­ thing to say about it, I'm going If the distinctive chloramine shan return his... unique style bition era's Mae West to the to kill you first. aroma doesn't put you right to this column within an issue Whiskey Sour of the 1960's; out of this world, the tetro­ or two, sparing of course the in such cases, however, there 3 oz Noilly Prat Dry Ver­ dotoxin packs quite a bit of unforeseen. In the mean time, seemed to be a reason to be mouth a punch itself. Chase with a I will attempt to provide you putting such a thing into some­ 3 oz Clorox (R) Regular glass of strychnine to avoid with cocktail recipes ofsimilar thing you planned on drinking Bleach any messy convulsions. Best If there's a common bond quality for all your entertain­ raw. 30zAmmonia of all, ladies, you don't have that all Techers share, it's mentneeds. Sometime last week, while 2 tsp Creme de Menthe to worry about watching your probably insomnia. Before Supposing that you are un­ listening to him expound on Angostura Bitters weight; not only a zero-calo­ your sleep gets too far out familiar with previous Drinks his most recent invention, it Soda Water rie cocktail, it reduces your of sync this term, here are of the Week, or are simply came to me -- John McNamara appetite for the rest ofthe day some tips for better sleep, remarkably unobservant, Mc­ is trying to kill us all. I don't Shake vermouth over ice; to boot! courtesy of the Counseling Namara's cocktails generally know if he's hoping to blow discard liquid. Add Clorox, Editor: Not safe for human Center. have a few things in common the curve by getting rid of the ammonia, and creme de men­ consumption Your mom was right ­ -- a long list of obscure and/or competition, or just trying to the to shaker, shake well with you really do need between expensive ingredients, mini- free up enough housing that he multiple inversions. Strain 7 1/2 and 8 hours of sleep into an old-fashioned glass, each night. Less sleep than !------'------that can diminish your con- cientists! centration and focus, which Ro _ ...... - can ultimately impair your work. Instead of thinking By: Zack Ramadan '08 about sleep as time better I Events spent catching up on your dered by the House System is LGIH & Allies lGBT Film Series: such that LGBT undergrads Discussion Group "Licensed to Kill" work, come to think ofsleep This is the second in a series of Tuesday. April 11 th Tuesday. April 25th as an investment in yourself four articles committed to show­ don't feel excluded or unac­ 7;30 - 9:30pm 7;00 - 9;OOpm cepted. Quite the contrary, we Health and Counseling Cent LGTBQ lending Library that will help you do the casing LGBTQ issues at Caltech Conference Room 2nd Floor of Center for Student Sel . feel so comfortable and so ac­ best work you can. during the month ofGAYpril. PRISM Coffee Hour Prefrosh Club Fair Theoretically, it's good to I like boys. So what? Okay, cepted that we feel little need Wednesdays, April 12th & 1 Friday, April 21 st 3:00 - 4:00pm 4;00 - 5;30pm try to go to bed at around the who am I kidding? It took me for an active GSA, and there­ The Red Door Cafe The Moore Walk same time each night, but a long time to be able to act so fore don't get involved. That, Dinner and a Movie. National Day of Silence and we're insanely busy all the "Adam and Steve" Wednesday, April 26th we all know that's just not nonchalantly about this part of Friday, April 14th Sign up With your RA or at aPRISM possible most of the time. myself, this secret that I had kept time. 6;00 - 11 ;OOpm Coffee Hour; or email us. Meet at Holliston and San r More info at www.dayofSilence.org. What's much more practical hidden from the world all my life. Nevertheless, I made an im­ mediate effort during my fresh­ Lunch Discussion: l Breaking the Silence Dinner is to try to get up at around For three years of high school, Activism and Advoca & Rev~ Susan Russell to Spea the same time each morning. I heard the announcements and man year to get involved. I went Monday. Aplil17th on Same-Sex Marriage to the Tuesday night discus­ 12:00 ~ 1;OOpm Wednesday, April 26th (Yes, even on weekends...) saw the posters for PULSE, our LGBTQ Lending libra 6;00 - 0:00pm Getting your body used to a Gay-Straight Alliance; but I nev­ sions and the Wednesday cof­ 2nd Floor Center for Student Avery Library routine can help you sleep er dared appear interested, much fee hours. Eventually, I found What's the Tfor?: Disc Healthy Relationship Series: that many queer grad students, of Transgender Issu 'Out and About" more consistently and more less attend a meeting. Tuesday, April 1Bth Thursday, April 27th restfully. It wasn't until my senior year who during their undergraduate nO-9:30pm 5;30· 6:30pm years had been much more ac­ Health and Counseling Ce LG BTQ lending Library Try not to nap during the that I gathered the courage. Icame Conference Room 2nd Floor Center for Student Services tive, were just as displeased as day. If you must, try to do out to one of my teachers, who tGBTQ'Graduate Stu Women's Sodal and it in the early afternoon, and himself was gay, and together we I was with the lack of activity Social Hour Barbecue Thursday. April 20th Friday, April 28th don't nap for more than 45 attended our first PULSE meet­ on campus. 7;00 • B;OOpm S;OO- 8:00pm minutes. Napping for lon­ ing. And it was amazing. Noth­ Remnants of the Caltech The Rathskeller E-mail PRISM to learn more. ger than that can interfere ing special happened, no twinkly Student Pride Association still existed; but apart from a dusty Any Que [-mail PRISM at with falling asleep later that lights or rainbow confetti. No [email protected] night. one even knew my name; I was box of pamphlets and a few To subscribe to our anonymous e-mail lists. please visit Don't read, study, or just "kid in the orange sweater". pride flags, the group had pret­ watch TV in bed. By using But I felt at home, and accepted, ty much fizzled. rainbow.caltech.edu The ball finally started roll­ your bed only for sleeping, and one hundred percent myself. lies. We want to celebrate being ing again when Miriam Feld­ you condition yourself to Naturally, it wasn't long be­ LGBT, and we want you to bear blum from the Office of the associate your bed with a fore I became very involved in witness. President contacted us about restful state instead of being PULSE. I helped plan events, We might not be able to keep signing on to the MHF pro­ mentally alert. made brochures, wrote plays, the programming as dense as it posal for the LGBTQ Lending Try not to eat anything a edited videos, to the point where will be this month, but we'd like Library. Suddenly, we were few hours before bed, and academics became a second pri­ to try. To be successful, we need establishing relationships with try to avoid caffeine or alco­ ority. help. So visit our website, come administrators. We were being hol a few hours before bed. Soon enough, I was visiting to our events, show your support, referred to by our new name, Finally, even though it colleges. Like any good queer and maybe lend a hand. Help us PRISM. We got noticed, and seems intuitive to tire your­ activist, I paid especial attention regain our visibility~ then we got money. self out by exercising be­ to how active each school's GSA Last year, PRISM marched in This year started off won­ fore bed, this can actually was; they all had them. As it the LA Pride Parade. We had derfully. After a week of well interfere with falling asleep turned out, all I was really look­ undergrads, grad students, staff, attended orientation events, quickly. Ifyou do exercise, ing for was an accepting environ­ and even some JPL folks. As and a Coming Out Week that schedule it for at least 4-5 ment; because, as college GSAs we marched down Santa Monica enlisted several undergraduate hours before getting in bed. went, Caltech's was second~rate. Boulevard behind the Trojan van, volunteers, things were look­ Lee H. Coleman is a There is no shortage of queer we heard some rather amusing ing up. We organized a trip to clinical psychologist at the undergrads here. They just don't shouts from the crowds that lined see RENT, and there were more Counseling Center, located seem to be interested in involving the sidewalk. My absolute favor­ straight allies there than there in the Health Center on Ar­ themselves in any social or ac­ ite was "Yay! Gay rocket scien­ were gay bois! den Road. tivist capacity with other LGBT tists!" Supporters were actually And then it stopped. Finals techers. excited to see us. They always rolled around, winter break Even though it took me almost knew we were out there some­ Interesting in writing a arrived, and in the new year two terms to do it, I thought com­ where, but suddenly we were rebuttal or counterpoint involvement slowed. In Janu­ ing out at Caltech was rather pain­ involved. We're marching again to this article? E-mail ary we started a monthly film less. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this year. Join us. [email protected] and series, but attendance has been I've just been lucky, but I would Visit PRISM's website at http:// we will ask the counseling slim. That's why GAYpril is venture to credit the House Sys­ rainbow.caltech.edu. to learn center to address your happening. We want to raise tem for this phenomenon. more about upcoming events in points. awareness and stir up the al- The family-like support engen- GAYpril. 6 THE CALIFORNIA TECH FEATURE"u",SL-- APRIL 10, 2006 costs are unavoidable. For exam­ three cooks, for example; I could "We tried this in the past. We oard Costs ained ple, there are two separate dish­ serve everybody. But here, we tried to nm this tighter" but Page washing rooms with incompatible have 700 undergrads in three fa­ House, which gets its dinner last, BY: DAVID CHEN that because... it creates a deeper hole." equipment, one for only plates and cilities: the South Kitchen, the would sometimes not get enough The reason that the 7-day board For this academic year, Mr. the other for pots. "We've taken North Kitchen, and Avery." food. "I felt it was too many bat- plan was proposed was for Caltech Mallier wanted Avery to use the everything to the bare minimum. The missed meals actually have and it was not worth it." Dining Services to produce more same board plan as the rest of There's no fat in our organization negligible impact on the profits of Mr. Mallier wanted to empha­ profits. CDS, however, has con­ the houses. This would include in terms of bodies." the board program because CDS size that board programs across sistently been losing money on open kitchen, which would have Mr. Mallier has suggested shut­ must cook enough food for all colleges around the nation are the dining services in Avery. Av­ allowed students living in the ting down Avery on a financial students paying for the program. pressured to raise money for their ery was started eight years ago 1\S mods to also have convenient ac­ basis, "but the campus has made While a certain number of stu­ schools. For example, the average an experiment, combining under­ cess to open kitchen. "I felt like a decision to have a certain pro­ dents may be expected to miss private institution returns 15.1% graduates with graduate students this would have been a win-win gram and it comes with a cost." each meal, the smaller size of of its revenues as profits. and faculty. for everybody," with one effect of Reflecting on his prior experience Caltech makes this too difficult. The dining facility was not de­ keeping more money in Avery. at large schools such as Stanford, signed in a self-sufficient man­ Mr. Mallier emphasized that Mr. Mallier noted that the struc­ ner, given the occupancy of 125 CDS as attempted numerous ture of Caltech's board program undergraduates, 25 graduate stu­ ways to encourage more people makes it inherently expensive. dents, and a few faculty members. to eat in Avery. For example, Estimating that about 700 stu­ "It's a large dining room... the they've tried a mini-Chandler and dents are on the board program, physical layout requires a certain an Asian concept in attempts to he stated, "Any other school number of bodies." appeal to people's desires. In fact, would feed 700 undergrads with Mr. Mallie cited a need for an outside company asked focus one facility, with one kitchen. I greater attendance. He estimates groups for their opinions on pos­ could serve 700 undergrads with that roughly 200 people need to sible food choices. They reported regularly eat at Avery for it to a desire for "a moderately-priced break even. bistro environment with Califor­ Prefrosh Adding to the financial diffi­ nia cuisine" so Citrus Bistro was culties at Avery, the building was created. Weekend never fully paid for, so a loan was Currently, students on the nor­ needed. The interest for this loan mal board plan are allowed two BY: TODD GINGRICH costs roughly $50,000 per year. meals per week at Avery. Occa­ Further decisions have also sionally, 130-140 people may eat As we have known for some made the situation worse. For at Avery on a given night, possibly time now Prefrosh Weekend will example, the undergraduates and alleviating the lack of customers only be two days this year. While enny Lewis an e graduate students wanted declin­ at Avery, but this option mainly ing balance, so that they could exists to give students flexibility. I'm looking forward to these two have more flexibility about when The cost offood at Avery is ac­ days offun, I'm obviously a little Watson wins: Rabbit and where they ate. In another tually quite low, at only 32% of frustrated that the event has been example, the graduate students the overall costs. The problem is shortened due to budget cuts. I received a 50% discount on the that the facility design requires have faith that this is not the di­ Fur Coat board rate last year, after lobby­ high labor costs. While CDS has rect fault of Caltech admissions, ing that they felt Avery was too minimized the number of people which promises to restore Pre­ expensive for them. Mr. Mallie required to operate Avery, many BY:CINDYKO felt that "it was a mistake to do frosh Weekend to its proper length in the future. Nevertheless this is song that she didn't write and she another of a string of obnoxious Side projects are the new band. shares the lead vocals for. (Not a changes that have annoyed stu­ No joke-think of all the bands good thing on your solo album.) dents this year. With all of these you like, and a good number It's the hit, "Handle With Care," changes I could understand why a of them I assure you, have side by the Traveling Wilburys-- not current student might not be terri­ projects. (Greenday has Pinhead surprisingly a side project of bly pleased with Caltech. Itis not Gunpowder, Death Cab for .cutie George Harrison, Tom Petty and unheard offor such displeasure to has the Postal Service. Weezer Bob Dylan, among others. Ben be conveyed to prefrosh during has three: the Space Twins, the Gibbard from the Postal Service Prefrosh Weekend. While sway­ Special Goodness, and Homie.) and Conor Oberst from Bright ing prefrosh away from Caltech Usually, it's a drummer/side gui­ Eyes provide wonderfully sung may sometimes seem like the tarist/bassist thing, but sometimes vocals to the old favorite. I like -only leverage we have against ad­ the odd lead singer will decide playing this song on repeat, a lot. ministrators, I strongly discour­ that he or she wants another band The song has a lot ofdimensions; age the practice. of his/her own. At some point, it simple, but cute lyrics paired with Personally I feel that I would does get a little ridiculous. Mu­ a melody featuring well-con­ have preferred to have come to sician friends will switcharoo in structed bridges between parts. & Caltech when I did two years ago an incestuous mess in hopes that Ugh, isn't it terrible that I review Ming Ping rather than entering the institu­ a winning combination exists. one band and I end up praising tion during this upcoming year. When things get dull, musically, another? Well, part of the reason eviewed I believe that the recent changes breaking solo is also a popular why Lewis' album can't stand are making Caltech a less desir­ thing to do. on its own is probably because able place for undergraduates. Jenny Lewis and the Watson Lewis still has a relatively young and incited the crowed into a BY: JAVIER SOLIZ However, despite preferring the Twins fit in somewhere in the career in music. When she gets as ------steamy, spicy, swarm ofdancing Caltech of the past, I feel that I middle. Lewis is the frontman of old as Bob Dylan or Tom Petty, Concert Date: Friday 24 goodness. The show was load- still would prefer the Caltech of the celebrated indie rock band, things will probably have shaped March 2006 ed with tracks from their newest today over any other school. I Rilo Kiley, who has gone on tours up by then. Ming & Ping is a New album, MP2, which is a must think that this is an important opening for the Postal Service Anyway, through all this, I Wave outfit that knows how to buy ifyou are at all interested in distinction for undergraduates to and Blight Eyes. Lewis also lent don't know what the Watson throw a "spicy party." They music that doesn't suck. consider before talking with pre­ her vocals to these bands' albums, Twins have anything to do with are originally from Hong At some pointduring the show frosh. I realize that some students as well. Rabbit Fur Coat is the anything. They just provide back­ Kong and have been living I was pulled on stage, stripped really do wish they were at an­ answer to all the times she sung up-- church-choir style harmony­ in San Francisco for the past and changed into a Ming & Ping other school, in which case they someone else's side project. - and stand creepily behind Lewis few years. The Ming & Ping t-shirt and told to play the cow- should feel free to honestly share The album is a old-time folk re­ on the CD cover. Dynasty came to LA straight bell. Who's going to argue with those sentiments, but I encourage cord made in modem times. Lew­ The verdict stands that Rabbit from San Francisco to play that? I started off o.k. in keep- you to make a concerted effort to is sings with a southern drawl, Fur Coat is a commendable first in The Knitting Factory (in ing the rhythm, but suddenly I accurately express your feelings. wailing about her troubles and solo effort on Lewis's part, but not Hollywood) and they didn't was attacked by Ming's impe- We will gain nothing from skew­ loves, God, and her "momma"'s enough for her to quit Rilo Kiley come alone. With them was rial guard ofhotties. Needless to ing our opinions to unnecessarily advice. Kind of like Patsy Cline completely. I would stand by the a team of hot dancing girls, a say, this gave me a bit of "assis- scare people away from Caltech. or something. It's completely dif­ opinion that it's sort of a boring hip-hoping Sun WDkong (the tance" in my cowbell playing. The lines of communication ferent from her vocals on Postal record, and unless you absolutely Monkey King from Journey to A few songs later I was walking during this past year have left Service and Bright Eyes tracks. love Jenny Lewis, don't get it. -­ the West) playing the cymbals though the crowd having a great something to be desired, but com­ On tracks like, "MeltYour Heart," Remember when I mentioned the, and people in full Chinese time. munication is improving drasti­ her sweet vocals make mediocre 'winning combination' earlier? Opera regalia. If you ever get the chance, cally as of late. As we saw with songs sound great. It's close to That's the Traveling Wilburys. If The show started out in- catch Ming & Ping live and be the ending ofthe 7 day board plan, being a break-out solo project, you haven't already, you should nocent enough - Ming was sure to buy their album. If you several of the initial decisions but it's nowhere near the level of give them a listen because you carried to the stage in a tra- don't go for the music, go for were reconsidered and reversed. Patsy Cline, if that's what she's pretty much can't lose with this ditional jiaozi (or palanquin) the people. After the show the Administrators have been solicit­ aiming for. One ofthe weakpoints so-called, 'superband.' and was followed by the irn- group is glad to hang around ing information from ASCIT and is its lack ofedge; to me, she still See you next week. I freak­ perial guard, Ping was out and sign albums. The best way the IRC on a regular basis, and I sounds like she's trying to sound ing finally have music to review of sight but projected onto a to purchase their music is by have every reason to believe that like someone else, instead ofcon­ again: Morrissey's and the Yeah large screen where he mixed going to http://www.mingping. we will continue to see positive centrating on her own sound. An­ Yeah Yeahs' new records, and the the tracks for the show. Ming com. changes in the near future. other weakpoint is that the best Artic Monkeys. of course led the entire party song on the record is actually the Grade: B+ CALIFORNIA TECH APRIL 10, 2006 7 shi tournament was rounds of Sabre, Men's and Women's During the past season, and David placed fourth in BY: VANESSA HECKMAN pools followed by direct Foil, and Women's Epee. Caltech competed in the Men's Sabre Four techers competed in elimination (DE) bouts with Four fencers were selected Southern California Inter­ According to Assistant the NCAA Western Region each place fenced out. Per­ from Men's Epee. Caltech collegiate Fencing Confer­ Coach Cedric Anen, the Fencing Championship, formance in pools was used did not qualify any fencers ence and fenced against team showed a lot of im­ held on March 4th at Air to eliminate 20% of the for nationals this year. teams from UCSD, USC, provement in the tactical Force Academy in Colo­ fencers and to do the seed­ Nationals were held at CSUF, UCI, UCLA, UCSB understanding of fencing rado Springs: Senior Team ing for the DE bouts. Rice University in Hous­ andASU. this season, and they man­ Captain Vanessa Heckman Park made it out of pools ton, Texas. 24 fencers from The Men's Sabre team aged to upset strong schools placed 5th of 12 in Women's with one victory, but lost his NCAA colleges competed finished third in the confer­ such as USC and UCLA. Sabre, Park Cram placed first DE. Vanessa had three in each of the six events ence, while the Women's As only a few people on 9th of 12 in Men's Foil, and victories and two defeats in (Men's and Women's Saber, Epee team finished fourth. the team are seniors, he is David Romney and Tony her first round of pools, and Foil and Epee). Harvard fin­ Individually, Vanessa placed looking forward to another Gross placed 11th and 12th, one victory and three de­ ished first, followed closely first in Women's Sabre, strong season next year. respectively, Men's Sa- feats in her second round of b Penn State and Ohi pools. She lost her first DE, To qualify for and won the next two DEs. Championship, terlcers a victory by Da­ to fenced a miniullmn vid, neither David nor Tony NCAA bouts durmg made it out of pools. season a ",inninfi Western regionals were record of at least 20%. used as a qualifier for NCAA McNamara also Nationals. To qualify, fenc­ qualified for the event in ers were ranked based on a Men's Epee but was not combination oftheir tourna­ able to attend. ment performance and sea­ Caltech, Air Force, Stan­ son record. From the West­ ford, UCSD, and CSU ern NCAA Division, two Fullerton competed at the fencers were selected from meet. each of the following weap­ The format ofthe regional ons: Men's and Women's Recent Results * =Conference Matches Women's Water Polo: Baseball: 4/5: Occidental* (Home): L, 4-16 417: La Sierra Univ. (Home): L, 7-15 4/8: Pomona-Pitzer* (Home): L, 3-15 Women's Tennis: 417: Univ. of LaVerne* (Home): L, 4-5 4/8: Occidental* (Home): L, 1-8 Men's Tennis: 417: Concordia Univ. (Home): L, 0-7 4/8: Occidental* (Home): L, 1-6 Park William Cram makes his opponent look retarded.

Tuesday, April 11th Saturday, April 15th 3:00PM - Baseball @ Occidental All-Day - SCIAC Women's Tennis Wednesday, April 12th Championships @ La Verne 5:00PM - Women's Water Polo @ Whit­ All-Day - SCIAC Men's Tennis Cham­ tier pionships @ Caltech Friday, April 14th 11:00AM - Women's Water Polo @ La 9:00AM - MIW Track & Field @ Po­ Verne mona-Pitzer Invitational 1:00PM - Baseball @ Whittier All-Day - SCIAC Women's Tennis Sunday, April 16th Championships @ La Verne All Athletic Facilities Closed - Easter All-Day - SCIAC Men's Tennis Champi­ onships @ Caltech es

ere 535 S. Lake Ave. Pa.sadena (626) 792-6634 Alwa s 20% ofHor all Calteeh students, staff, faeul

Building 86, 1st I Email: http://housing.caltech.edu/undergrad/ 8 THE CALIFORNIA TECH HUMOUR APRIL 10, 2006

includes that nasty after­ Coke, taste you get from the caf­ feine free Diet Coke my Michael Irvin idn't mom always buys tons of, but no one drinks any of it, BY: BRIAN HANLEY residence hidden away from the normal hustle and bustle of urban and then it sits in our base­ BY: HAMILTONYFALK ------living. Even in the middle of no­ like the product. Except ment forever and eventu­ Everyone has their own tastes. where, the most indecent acts are maybe Microsoft(l). ally someone decides, eh, Some like it missionary, some not far from these cameramen. Apparently Vanilla Coke like it doggie, some need a dark The Villa starts out with the has been discontinued, re­ it's soda, drinks one red handkerchief worth of nasty. main character helping a young placed by the nasty (I know, 3) Coke hates me, despite sip, then leaves the mostly I have my slightly askew tastes starlet learn the tricks of the I've tried it) Black cherry­ the fact 1 genuinely like fun can by the a as wen, but what I really like is trade. "Seduce the camera'" she Vanilla flavor (Editor: llike Coke, and hate Pepsi, even while). going to just run-of-the-mill slender, well- says and so begins the first scene. discontinue a drink flavor, rounded babes in a little sapphic We watch as this eager fresh meat the new flavor). seems mcmgn many people action, maybe a bit of solo fun, with her small pancakes starts to to have been done for sev­ they taste the same don't follow up one and all kinds of standard hide the dance. The scene continues as eral reasons: people are liars, Pepsi tastes that is the same idea (except sausage action. I want to see the the other people in the scene (the ladies. Their makeup covered cameraman and the main charac­ faces, their probably fake fun ter) join in to give the skirts the 1) Coke's whole promotion bags, and preferably a neat and old slippery Pete. Two dudes and of Vanilla Coke was "hey, trim playing field because the two chicks in an all around boner­ try it, it's different. Come­ only time a chick is naturally bare, biting, jiggly wiggly-thrusting, on, try it, please? Just try it, they're probably 10, and unlike hymen-busting, bowel-tickling some people, I'm no pedophile. fun fest. or there will be problems, So seriously, if you're going to The film goes on with more aite?" Which is good to get shave down there, just neat and knob-bobbing and pink-punch­ people started, but they nev­ t .. aker a Ii ."ing goodness. Released er tried anything else. Sure [[during Janine Linde­ it's a better strategy than ~mulder's short-lived Diet Pepsi's using the term S return to porn, this is a ~film to see. If she isn't 'brown and bubbly' since it ~what you're looking for, rates much better in the key ;:;Tianna Lynn, Jassie, or category of not having a ;;'Haley Page fill out the slogan that reminds people ~ rest of the cast nicely. of untreated sewage, but ... You can look forward to some FFM (two girls, perhaps Coke could have at­ one guy), some indi­ tempted a little bit ofa better vidual pleasure, some marketing campaign? Per­ lesbian tomfoolery, and haps a slogan like 'Vanilla many positions you Coke: Hitler didn't drink it, Even tightly-clad World of Warcraft avatars enjoy a long, might find in the Kama refreshing drought of Coca-Cola branded products. Sutra. And for those maybe you should' would of you who thought is help keep sales up. beard. Ms. Janine Lindemulder wasn't possible, there is like rat piss that is past it's nasty) but stronger. That's But I even some vagina rain. 2) Some people (I am not sell by date, while Coke, like a diet that replaces eat­ digress. You are probably look­ There are all kinds of reason especially Coke from a can ing candy with eating bacon ing for a title at the top and speci­ one of them, I LOVE Vanil­ to go pick this one up. la Coke.) think Vanilla Coke in a tan glass with ice, is and onion rings, one step men cups somewhere near the With hot women and serious like heaven on crack). This forward and two steps back. bottom. Should you run out to grind, there is little reason to tum tastes somewhat mediciney. Penny Lane and rent Transsex­ down The Villa. The plot is a Maybe those people have may be because I got picked ual Slaves? Wen, I don't know, little simple and the scene.splic­ had better tasting medicine before Coke for a game of At least I can hate Coke that's not what I saw this week, ing is a bit obvious, but it doesn't than I have, or maybe they kickball in 4th grade, but back, and for now at least and really, that's kind of nasty. take much away from this one. I that's just speculation(2). I'm quitting soda, and you No, this week's selection is The shot a bottle rocket up their give The Villa 8 specimen cups, 4) Coke hates America. should too. I do this every Villa, about a woman who leaves definitely something to see, but nose as a child and ruined the big city to get away from probably not a movie to be the their taste buds. Regard­ once and a while, because distractions only to find that her workhorse of your collection. less, there is no accounting Now, I don't know soda is like candy, it's just writer's block continues even at a for taste, by which I mean the sales figures were for good tasting empty calo­ literally no accounting de­ Vanilla Coke, but I can't ries and that is no good for partment can make a profit believe that it was so much you. But it does taste oh-so­ selling to people who don't more expensive to make good. Regardless, because than regular Coke. And Coke doesn't think I'm the fact that some people good enough for it, I quit3. ThiS excerclse wlU train your react!cm time, (like me) would go out of If Coke has a problem with trigger response time, attention to detail their ways to find and drink that, it can suck on a lemon. and cognatlve speed. it should justify any addi­ But please, don't· put that tional cost. I believe that the lemon into a Coke flavor, fonnula was to take some because there is lemon-lime Coke, add some vanilla fla­ soda, and there is cola, and voring, and sell it. This is if you mix them, it tastes same strategy used with nasty. I know, I've tried it. Cherry Coke and Coke has been C011tillUed (Footnotes) years, I not as if this is 2 In this context, Spt~clJ!la­ Zhi un ora a This week I am trying to write a poem for the writing taste 'U'cH~jlU contest. Clearly' Coke lack visl

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