The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Monologue Writer Submission by Kelsey Amentt

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There were a lot of big wins on Election night. Northam, the democratic candidate who’s got as much flavor as a saltine, landed the Virginia governor spot. This leaves his predecessor, Terry McAuliffe, room to try to win the presidential vote for 2020. He wouldn’t be the first “guber” to win.

Danica Roem, the first openly transgender candidate, won a seat in the Virginia House of Delegates, removing the creator of the transgender bathroom bill, Bob Marshall, from office. Before leaving, Marshall duct-taped down all the seats in the bathrooms to mess with his successor. He obviously is still confused by the whole transgender thing.

Another win was for Jenny Durkan making her the first lesbian mayor in Seattle. Prompting everyone to ask how has this not happened before?

Ravinder Bhalla is the first Sikh mayor for the state of New Jersey, exciting skater boys everywhere. “Dude, our mayor is sikh!”

Speaking of Jersey, Chris Christie got into a heated debate with a voter. He said it’s much easier to critique from the sidelines than it is to take action in office. He’s probably relieved now that he can critique from the sidelines like everyone else.

On the other side of the aisle, Paul Ryan has said that the democratic wins won’t shift the Republican focus on their new tax reform proposal, especially since Ryan just had his pockets deepened by his personal manservant/tailor.

But not all of the GOP is in support of tax reform and Trump. Even Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum feels the president’s rhetoric is hurting the party. That’s coming from a man who compared Obamacare to Apartheid.

While Trump can’t keep his mouth shut, Manafort and Gates, his former campaign aides who were indicted for conspiracy against the U.S., have been given a gag order. Sounds like working under Putin… I mean, Trump.

The presiding judge in the Manafort/Gates indictment case stated that this is a criminal trial, not a PR campaign. Both aides were quoted as saying, “shucks, but we’re good at those!”

Trump’s blabbermouth is even keeping the CIA busy. At Trump’s insistence, CIA director, Mike Pompeo, met with a former NSA employee who denies Russia’s involvement in the election. He also doesn’t shower and believes tinfoil hats protect our brains from the GNARK GNARKS.

In other news, Syria has signed onto the Paris agreement, leaving the U.S. as the only country rejecting the global pact and isolating the U.S. Trump hopes that with rising water levels, it can truly become it’s own island in the process too.

In regards to the escalating situation with North Korea, Trump has even asked for Chinese President, Xi Jinping, to step up the pressure. Unwilling to get into this diplomatic mess, Jinping responded, “Nah, I’m good, fam,” and peaced out.

Former President Obama has been keeping busy though by reporting to jury duty earlier this week. Most jurors were excited to see him while others thought he was on trial.

In a New York court, a woman was found guilty for sabotaging her fiance’s kayak and killing him. In her plea, the woman admitted to unplugging the boat but didn’t intend for her fiancé to drown. That’s like expecting the pull out method to work.

In other crime news, a Chicago man attempted to rob a hot dog stand and accidentally shot himself in the penis. The man was caught by police after he called 911 to report the injury and had shown his briefs on camera when bending down to pick up the employees’ wallets. Truly a moment the Chicago PD will relish forever.

A nurse in Oklahoma City was banned from the jail she used to work at after performing an exorcism on an inmate. The inmate died from a methamphetamine overdose, but lawmakers are thinking of adding black magic to healthcare coverage.

The East Lansing police office jokingly threatened on Twitter that they’d post spoilers for the second season of Stranger Things on the walls of their jail to deter inmates. That’s one way to work around not having a Netflix subscription.

In recent tech news, Snapchat is planning a major overhaul of their design since they didn’t get as many new users as they had expected. They suspect that it’s because the interface is baffling to older folks. Cause old people want dick pics too!

T-Mobile and Sprint have decided not to merge companies after months of speculation. T-Mobile said that while they believed the merger would have been beneficial, it’s more confident at going it alone. Or as their tinder profile says, “Can’t hear you now, beeyotch!”

Twitter has expanded its character count from 140 characters to 280. More celebrities have been taking advantage of the extra tweets, making their fans realize they were a whole lot funnier when they couldn’t write as much.

People have also expressed their concern with the increased character count since it will offset the screenshot space for memes. This could upset the social hierarchy of the meme business. The only industry millennials haven’t been accused of killing.

Chris Evans tweeted out a video of his dog, Dodger, trying to sing along to his toy lion’s recording of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. Embodying how we all feel when we’ve had just one too many on karaoke night.

Speaking of celebrity pets, Jennifer Garner was photographed taking her pet chicken, Regina George, for a walk. (pause and pretend this is the end of the joke and then continue) A real southern girl, Garner’s next post will be how best to prepare Regina for Sunday dinner.

Tom Hanks got swept up in an engagement proposal at a Book Festival in Austin. He helped pop the question for the couple. Sources have been told it costs extra if you want him to break up with your girlfriend for you.

It was announced online that Donald Glover will be playing Simba to Beyonce’s Nala in the new Lion King. Wonder how that’s gonna work it’s way into Jay-Z’s next album. Not a whole lot of positive things rhyme with “lion”.

In other musical news, Ozzy Osbourne has said that his next tour will be his last. The tour is expected to start in May and end in 2020. Fitting since the next four years were forecasted to be hell on Earth.

Marilyn Manson is getting some heat for aiming a fake assault rifle at the crowd at one of his concerts. Manson defended the move saying it’s part of his artistic expression to comment on what’s happening in the world. Sarah Huckabee Sanders was quoted saying, “Oh that’s what it was?” and hiding her AR-15 under her podium.

Taylor Swift’s lawyers have threatened to sue a writer for an article mentioning Swift’s popularity among the alt-right. The ACLU has jumped to the writer’s defense citing it as first amendment protected. This isn’t the first time Swift has sent lawyers after similar claims. At this rate, she’ll be running for office by 2020.

In other legal cases, Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, is threatening to sue Commissioner Goodell and fellow team owners. The beef originally started when Goodell suspended Dallas’ star running back for domestic violence and for Jones’ insistence that his players stand when the national anthem is played. Cause it’s okay to beat a woman to her knees, but don’t get down there with her.

It has come out that Harvey Weinstein has also hired some help to bury his dirty work. Weinstein hired corporate intelligence company, Black Cube, to bury the sexual assault allegations with PIs. Trump has been asking for a referral ever since.

Raising the bar in irony this week, Barney’s is selling an Antifa anarchy jacket for $375. Scrawled all over the army canvas jacket are the words “disobey”, “revolution”, and “Consumerism made me write this. Sorry everybody”.

It’s the one year anniversary of Trump’s win over Hillary Clinton last November, and like so many other one year anniversaries, one of the partners wants to get it annulled. I won’t say which one…. *cough* America *cough*.