The Worst Lyrics of 2008

By Rob Harvilla And now it’s time for the “I love you like a fat kid loves cake” memorial Worst Lyrics of 2008, March Madness–style tournament, this year a terrifying mélange of appalling oral-sex requests, bargain-bin philosophies, grammatical atrocities, and cringe-inducing pillow talk. To elevate the drama, I provided a trusted colleague with the 16 artists who qualified and had him assign seeds—Lil Wayne you expect to go deep into a showdown like this, but Lucinda Williams? Some fantastic match-ups resulted, but in the end, nobody is topping Nickelback’s backstage-pass bon mot, as devastating a blow to feminism as Katy Perry and Sarah Palin combined. Oh, for those innocent days of 50 Cent.

The Killers *Lil Wayne “Human” “Dr. Carter” Are we human / Swagger tighter than a yeast infection / Or are we dancer? Fly go hard like geese erection. ❶ ❶

T-Pain The Killers Lil Wayne Pharrell “Therapy” Common’s “Announcement” I don’t need your sex / My dick is like I’ll masturbate. a Blow Pop, baby. ➑ ➑

Lady GaGa The Killers Ne-Yo Katy Perry “Hot N Cold” “Boys Boys Boys” You change your mind like a girl changes Love it when you call me ‘Legs’ / clothes / Yeah you PMS like a bitch / In the morning buy me eggs. I would know. ➍ ➍

The Streets “Alleged Legends” Do what you think’s right Lady GaGa Ne-Yo Ne-Yo Ne-Yo and you will feel all right /’Cause when “So You Can Cry” you’re bad you will feel sad / I won’t attend your pity party / That’s the religion I live by. I’d rather go have calamari. ➎ ➎

Nickelback Kate Nash “Something in Your Mouth” NICKELBACK “Mariella” 2008 CHAMPION You look so much cuter with If I want to think / something in your mouth. I’ll think in my head. ➌ ➌

Usher Lucinda Williams “Trading Places” Nickelback Nickelback Lucinda “Honey Bee” Skip dinner and gon’ rent a movie / I’m so glad you stung me / You order Chinese food right Now I’ve got your honey / before you do me. All over my tummy. ➏ ➏

Weezer Metallica “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived” Nickelback Lucinda “Broken, Beat & Scarred” You try to play it cool like you just don’t care / What don’t kill you make But soon I’ll be playin’ in your underwear. you more strong. ➋ ➋

Nas Young Jeezy’s Nas *Lil Wayne Play-In Game Metallica The Game “My President Is Black” “My Life” ✔ “Dr. Carter” She ain’t a politician / Swagger tighter than a yeast infection / Hated on so much / Honey’s a pole-i-tician. Passion of Christ need a sequel. ➐ Fly go hard like geese erection. ➐ vs. “A Milli” I’m a venereal disease / Like a menstrual bleed.