Penguin Can't Hide from the Batkid
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Friday, November 15, 2013 | Printed on recycled paper | $1.00 Gxxxxx BATKID SAVES CITY Hooded hero nabs Riddler, rescues damsel in distress By Clark Kent hero burst into the Nob Hill neigh- bery, seizing the infamous Riddler as borhood just in time to rescue a woman he attempted to make off with the life Gotham City was saved from appar- from the Hyde Street cable car tracks. savings of Gotham’s citizens. ent ruin Friday when a pint-sized su- This reporter has learned that short- “These are not the daring feats of perhero saved the city from myriad ly thereafter, the masked crusader — just any hero,” Mayor Ed Lee said. public enemies. dubbed “Batkid” due to his spritely “This is clearly the work of a SUPER Strangely clothed in dark armor, a stature and unusual attire — also hero, one that we are proud to call a Peter Parker / The Chronicle cape and pointy-eared mask, this new stopped a bizarre daytime bank rob- resident of Gotham.” The elusive Batkid caught on film. Caped crusader crushes crime By Brenda Starr to safer streets. “I used to be scared to The crime wave that has open my windows at night. instilled fear in every mem- Now, thanks to Batkid, I ber of Gotham’s population don’t have to be scared. seems to have stalled, as Thanks, Batkid!” said J. Batkid continues to catch Jonah Jameson, 56, of Pacific notorious criminals. Heights. Mere weeks ago, mothers Murderers, burglars, reported feeling too scared muggers and homework to go to the supermarket to copiers seem to have moved buy ice cream for their chil- to other, superhero-free dren. But since Batkid’s cities. Like Los Angeles. emergence on the scene, ice Crime overall has dropped cream sales around the city 1,000 percent — a staggering have skyrocketed — a fact number never before seen in local shopkeepers attribute U.S. history. Peter Parker/The Chronicle The Penguin’s plan to hide among the penguins at the Academy of Sciences exhibit was promptly foiled when Batkid recognized the evildoer’s green armband. Batkid’s secret Penguin can’t hide revealed at last By Perry White The truth of Batkid’s true from the Batkid identity has eluded police and newspaper reporters alike — until now. Kidnapper’s hideout discovered in plain sight On the day Mayor Ed Lee presented Batkid the key to the city for his heroic deeds, By Lois Lane “I knew there was only one sources revealed to The Chronicle that the masked The myth of Batkid continued to person who could be up to crusader is none other than swell Friday when, after a morning that such a monumental rescue.” Miles, a 5-year-old kinder- including a foiled robbery and rescuing gartener from Northern a helpless citizen, the police chief was Chief Greg Suhr California. forced yet again to call on the legend- “By day he is a pretty ary figure to fight Gotham’s crime normal kid, but when some- Mike Kepka/The Chronicle Lou Seal, wave. thing goes wrong, Miles Batkid unmasked. mascot Chief Greg Suhr told The Chronicle Batmobile chase the kidnapper, who disappears and Batkid of the Gotham City he could find no officer on staff that will be arraigned Monday on charges of emerges,” said a friend, who This reporter has also Giants, was could compete with Batkid’s prowess racketeering the baseball season, kid- spoke on the condition of learned a shocking truth — rescued by when the city’s most beloved mascot napping, overall maliciousness and bad anonymity. “It’s more than a that Miles has leukemia. Batkid. was kidnapped by the notorious Pen- body odor. coincidence. “I don’t know if all that guin. “I knew there was only one person “I have no idea how he medicine helped make him Lou Seal, mascot of the Gotham City who could be up to such a monumental makes all those cool things into a superhero, but it cer- Giants, was freed by Batkid shortly rescue,” Chief Suhr said. “Thank you, he uses as Batkid. He must tainly didn’t hurt,” said after lunchtime. A crowd of hundreds Batkid, for saving the Giant’s 2014 sea- really pay attention at Dr. Who, an associate of the gaped in horror as they watched the son!” school,” the friend added. physician who treated Miles. Index Weather Auto Dealers ...........B3 Editorials ...............A9 Movies...................E3 Decreasing clouds. Bridge, Chess...........E5 Horoscope..............E4 Obituaries..........C2, C4 Highs: 60-74. Comics..............E4-E5 Legal Notices ..........D2 Television ...............E6 Lows: 36-52. A10 Crosswords........E4-E5 Lottery ..................A2 Theater..................E2.