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No. 2 of 6 Tuesday 20th May 2014 Optional Price: £3 – text ARMY to 70004*
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Dispatches from the front Opening day -(STOP)- Much kerfuffle with judges, photographers, royalty all in attendance -(STOP)- Spiffing moment with the old nag Joey from Warhorse coming along for a photograph -(STOP)- Tip our hats to the team that has built this wonderful sight -(STOP)- Liz popped by and sends her regards -(STOP)- Old Chums Melchett and Blackadder popped by for a glass of fizz -(STOP)- Tales of great gallantry and honour told -(STOP)- Must dash -(STOP)- Back to the mound tomorrow -(STOP)- News of hordes of ‘members’ due to overrun the eastern front -(STOP)- Must retire to officers mess for swift stiffener to harden resolve -(END)-
YESTERday AT CHELSEA Tim mcinnerNy WRITES FLOWER OF THE DAY
The Chelsea Flower Show opened officially today – with Stephen Fry, Rowan Atkinson and Her Majesty The Queen REMEMBERING THE LATE, GREAT among the visitors to the No Man’s Land garden. CAPTAIN DARLING The troops broke ranks, as row upon row of visitors jostled for a chance to see the VIPs, only narrowly missing falling in the Of course I never met my grandfather, Kevin Strabismus water feature. Celebrities read World War One poetry, but the (his father was an enthusiastic if somewhat cack-handed mood didn’t stay sombre for long, as old Blackadder chums optometrist) Darling. Rowan Atkinson and Fry were reunited. Life-sized horse puppet; Joey from Warhorse, stopped by, hoping for a nibble Sadly, he did not even know that my father was already of the celebrities’ jackets, but had to make do with posing for nestling beneath the stays of my grandmother, Doris, photographers in dappled shade. when he caught the train to his appointment with destiny on the fields of France...... Actually he missed the train Her Majesty The Queen – patron of The Soldiers’ Charity, was for, despite being a stickler regarding punctuality in seen speaking to our Garden Designer and Chief Executive. others, he was himself a bit of a dreamer. Designer Charlotte Rowe remarked that Her Maj looked royally pleased with the garden. This made him the despair of the Dollis Hill Irregulars cricket team — his wife once, famously threw herself in Copies of the Wipers Times were the must-have item from the front of him to take a catch on the boundary whilst he day, bringing people from across the show ground to secure watched a Great Spangled Fritillary land on a buttercup. their limited-edition issue. The judges whispered and studied, He allegedly once told Colonel Melchett of his excitement and, as the Wipers’ Times went to press, it can reveal that the at having an Indian Red Admiral in the palm of his hand winners will be announced. Tomorrow. whilst kneeling in a foxhole. Melchett characteristically misunderstood and relationships were somewhat strained for a while. Potentilla Palustris He was not a born soldier, barely even a professional one but we believe he died heroically and we are extremely ‘Marsh Cinquefoil’ belongs to the Rose family. The leaves were proud of him. I think he would far rather have been a traditionally used in Britain to make tea and were regarded as having gardener and in the glorious summer of 1914 he could healing properties for almost any ailment; reminding us that in Britain, a nice cup of Rosy Lee really can cure a multitude of problems. often be found tinkering with Doris in Gladstone Park.
The family still live around Dollis Hill, an oasis of calm far enough from the hustle and bustle of Cricklewood just in! and Neasden. In 1900 Mark Twain wrote that “Dollis Hill comes nearer to paradise than any other home I ever Intelligence Corp officials today announced that they expect occupied.” Of course he didn’t have to contend with the the RHS Chelsea Flower Show to open any day now. They A407. have increased the threat level to ‘champagne’ to reflect the growing possibility of an invasion of sunburn, canapés and Bless you Grandad and all the splendid chaps who fell in the worst case scenario socks and sandals. Members are with you. “Bugger” indeed. warned to remain vigilant. No Man’s Land, Yesterday
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know your enemy! thoughts Rupert Cary
Attention Troops! anon World War One Memoir from the Wipers Times Tuesday 22nd January 1918 Extracts from the memoirs of Major General RTO Cary, You all know the importance of keeping your weapons in Grandfather of our garden designer, Charlotte Rowe top condition! Trowels are to be kept soil free and gleaming I ain’t no blooming Kipling, and I ne’er could be a Keats, when not in use. Pruning scissors must have all residual sap But I somehow sees a poem in whate’er I drink and eats : First leave home wiped from their blades before re-holstering (bloody blades When the night has fallen round me lovely verses seem and butter smuggling are bad form and cause rusting). to come, As my thoughts in fancy linger on my evening tot of rum. My turn for leave came around. All ranks were given a And remember to always keep your dibber dry! period of ten day leaves in the UK and leave started from Oh ! Naught in Heaven’s pellucid heights the time one clocked on to the leave boat. When the great When shadow play in Very lights, departure date arrived, all those due for leave were taken to Can stem the fervent words which come the railhead where the leave trains for Boulogne departed. The trains were in a shocking state – doors missing, In a stunning revelation it seems that the SAS has had a Whene’er the sergeant drinks our rum. windows broken and no form of heating. On arrival at garden at the Chelsea Flower Show for the last 15 years. Boulogne we were marshalled and marched down to the There’s a poem in a biscuit, there’s a poem in our tea, docks, all leave passes and necessary documents were A source, speaking on condition of anonymity, has stated In fact the blooming rations make a book of poetry : examined and we boarded the boats, each of which must that the undercover ‘Operation Evergreen’ has been active But to have the gift to find it and to understand it fully, have held about 2000 men. When one considered that in the Chelsea area for well over a decade. Rumours of an One must learn to look for Khayyan in a blooming tin of bully. there might be up to six boats leaving daily, the total of enormous gold haul are unsubstantiated and completely the BEF on leave at one time must have numbered many denied by MoD sources but the Wipers Times has information hundreds of thousands. that indicates that top level RHS employees have been aware For all the wine you drink, the lips you press, of the garden for sometime. A spokesperson today has said Will only land you in some blooming mess, Most of us had been put up for the game of taking a pound ‘there is absolutely no truth or reasoning to this story, look And fourteen days of F.P. No. I : of butter or sugar home with us. At one time so much stuff around yourself, there is nowhere else for a garden – however But bully’s bully, neither more or less. was leaving France, that the authorities had to take steps secret – to be.’ Internet investigators however are concerned to stop it. They never eliminated the practice however. A that publication of this story today will have driven the half a pound of butter as a tip at an hotel or restaurant orchestrators of the garden underground making detection You can have your blooming Shelley, Browning too, what did back home was worth considerably more than one had paid even tougher than before. they know ? They could only see a poem in the way the daisies grow : for it in France. Many a tricky situation was eased by the donation of half a pound of butter! When pressed for further details, Whitehall neither Had I got five francs to bet’em then I’d very quickly risk it confirmed nor denied the allegations, stating that That they couldn’t find a poem in a blooming Army biscuit. information would remain confidential. Stating the Hard is my lot, and hard is the world, Official Secrets Act, they claimed to be unable to comment Hard are the shells day and night at us hurled, Hard is the pavé, and hard is a stone, until at least 2044. This has led to further speculation coming through today’s that the garden is home to plants of local destruction But for hardness the biscuit’s a class on its own. including Wisteria. The Wipers Times understands that no man’s land: terry de’ath leading SAS officials have long held an interest in the RHS Chelsea Flower Show due its ability to attract individuals of interest (a term we believe to mean their wives) and its competitive nature, our source indicated that, despite john simpson ongoing operations, a thriving wild orchid club had been established and that proud green-fingered SAS operatives such as
POETRY FROM NO Man’s Land I recently stood in front of one of those lists, meticulous, “The Dead” beautifully chiselled in limestone, of British dead at Ypres, and read the names of the men of the East Read on Monday by Rowan Atkinson Surreys; my Uncle Harold’s regiment. And I reflected that, by comparison with him, they were the lucky ones. Blow out, you bugles, over the right Dead! There’s none of these so lonely and poor of old, Harold was handsome, clever and charming, and his But, dying, has made us rarer gifts than gold. headmaster said, ‘That boy has it in him to be prime minister.‘ He joined up at 19. These laid the world away; poured out the red Sweet wine of youth; gave up the years to be On the first day of the Somme he was promoted on the Of work and joy, and that unhoped serene, battlefield to captain. An hour or so later he was badly That men call age; and those who would have been, hurt by a piece of shrapnel. It took him months to Their sons, they gave, their immortality. recover, but he got back to his regiment shortly before Blow, bugles, blow! They brought us, for our dearth, Passchendaele, a year later. During it he suffered a Holiness, lacked so long, and Love, and Pain. serious head wound. Honour has come back, as a king, to earth, Skills learned while serving in the Army can be used in many It changed him utterly. The charm, the cleverness And paid his subjects with a royal wage; types of employment once it’s time to leave. Successful And Nobleness walks in our ways again; vanished, destroyed by the devastating headaches he suffered and the drinking he did to dull them. A sweet careers are forged by most former servicemen and women And we have come into our heritage. girl, Chrissie, felt it was her duty to marry him, but his thanks to the skills they’ve gained. Some, however, feel that terrible rages eventually drove her away. they are starting from scratch once they leave and find it Rupert Brooke hard to secure a job in civilian life. Providing these soldiers I first came across Uncle Harold around 1950, when I with the skills they need for successful employment will was six and he had endured a lifetime of pain. He was benefit not just the soldiers themselves, but the work force the first truly unpleasant person I had met. Later, when they serve. he came round, my grandmother (who had once adored him) would say ‘Oh God, it’s Harold. Pretend we’re not I served in the Royal Artillery for 27 years; but was medically in. He just wants money to spend on drink.’ discharged in 2012 after a chronic back injury left me He died in 1960, a beggar, homeless and utterly alone, unable to continue serving. I had no idea about what to do on a bench at Waterloo Station. The only thing of value next. This caused me great anxiety which began to affect he had on him was the wristwatch he’d worn when he my family life. After working with a Specialist Employment went over the top: he’d never pawned it. To the end, his Consultant, I found the opportunity to retrain in furniture headaches were unrelenting. making, with funding provided by The Soldiers’ Charity.
So -- compared with my Uncle Harold, don’t you agree I now make bespoke furniture, guitars, and bind books that the men who died outright were the lucky ones? in my own workshop. I am very grateful to The Soldiers’ Charity for the assistance provided. If it wasn’t for them I don’t know what I would have done; they took such a massive weight off my shoulders.
the serious part
While it’s all fun at The Chelsea Flower Today’s reality is that any soldier, veteran The understanding that today, soldiers with training and employment during Show and it’s a great British trait to make or family member can find themselves in can feel lost when they leave the Army the transition period between leaving the light of serious situations, ‘No Man’s Land’ a kind of ‘No Man’s Land.’ The Soldiers’ is very powerful, especially if they leave Army and finding a new direction in life. was a terrifying place for soldiers during Charity exists to support them in those as the result of injury or redundancy. We This is where we, as a charity, are stepping World War One. times of greatest need. are seeing an increasing demand for help in to provide assistance please help us support the men and women who have served us – visit www.soldierscharity.org to sign up to receive your daily wipers times, released every morning during the rhs chelsea flower show, register at www.soldierscharity.org/wipers
ABF The Soldiers’ Charity is a charity registered in England and Wales (1146420) and in Scotland (SC039189). Registered as a company limited by guarantee in England and Wales (07974609) the no man’s land garden at the rhs Registered Office: Mountbarrow House, 6-20 Elizabeth Street, London SW1W 9RB. Tel: 020 7901 8900. Email: [email protected] chelsea flower show 2014 is supported by