SHADY GROVE FERTILITY REPRODUCTIVE SCIENCE CENTER

The Miscarriage Dilemma By: Sharon N. Covington, LCSW-C

A woman once told me of treatment indefinitely. They your baby and can make a the painful dilemma she struggle with the decision over miscarriage feel like a death. experienced following her when to stop trying and move miscarriage. She had been longing on. Unlike other experiences that Yet miscarriage is to be pregnant, hoping for years to get easier to handle with enigmatic. Even though it can hear the words, “You’re going to repetition, having recurrent feel like a death, there is nothing have a baby.” When it finally miscarriages makes it harder. It tangible to mourn. There are no happened, her spirits soared. Bu becomes especially difficult when burials or memorial services to the elation quickly turned to you find support from family and facilitate grieving. You may find despair when she started to bleed. friends diminishing with each yourself suffering intense The confirmation that there was loss, even though you need it emotions, often in isolation, as “only an empty sack” was the final more than ever. others may not understand the blow. She grieved intensely for Diagnostic and therapeutic impact of your loss. The manner many months over the loss of this technology available today make in which you grieve is highly precious baby. Also hurting, her the miscarriage dilemma even individualistic and follows no husband felt powerless to help her. more complex. During IVF, eggs predictable course; there are no She poignantly reflected that she are retrieved and united with instructions to follow. Much did not want to stop mourning, as sperm in a laboratory, so that you depends upon your own it was her only tie to her baby. know conception has taken place personality and life experiences. Resolving her grief would mean within hours of the event. When letting go of the biological child the embryo transfer fails to result Grief can feel like a tidal she might never have. in pregnancy, it can feel like a wave that sweeps over you with miscarriage. With any pregnancy force and fury. Shock, anger, A miscarriage is an event full loss following IVF/GIFT/ZIFT, rage, guilt, blame, sadness and of dilemmas and conflicting there is profound sadness and depression can engulf you, emotions. If you are involved in grief. And yet you may be growing and cresting with time. RESOLVE and have had a instructed to undergo another It peaks somewhere between one pregnancy loss, you may wonder cycle almost immediately. This to six months following a where you fit in. Having can thwart your chance to grieve. miscarriage. Nevertheless, swells conceived, are you part of the of grief can be triggered long after fertile world or do you belong to In addition, the new the waters have settled. Difficult the infertile world, not having technologies used in early times include your first menstrual given birth to a live baby? Others pregnancy often facilitate period, due date, may try to minimize your pain by bonding and attachment to a Mother’s/Father’s Day, holidays, saying, “At least you can get developing baby. Blood tests can the anniversary of your pregnant.” confirm a pregnancy before you miscarriage. It can be especially have missed a period. painful when a friend with whom If you have had difficulty Sonography enables you to see a you were pregnant delivers a conceiving and then miscarried or heart beating or your tiny baby healthy baby. As years pass, if you have had repeated moving before others are even seeing this child can continue to miscarriages, the dilemma grows. aware of the pregnancy. This trigger feelings as you recall what You continue to grieve for the visualization helps to confirm your child might have done at wished-for child, while grieving at and make the pregnancy a this age. Your triggers are unique the same time for the baby you reality. Finally, amniocentesis and relate to memories and have lost. You feel you are so near and chorionic villi sampling can dreams about your baby. For and yet so far. For some, the pain provide information about your some, triggers may be a song, is too great to consider trying baby, including its sex, even holiday or time of the year, while again. For others, the hope before you are wearing maternity for others it may be walking into generated from having conceived clothes. Ach unique detail the doctor’s office or passing a can be addictive, keeping them in strengthens your feelings about hospital. open between you. Perhaps you “You’ll have another.” (as if Another aspect of the want to set aside a limited babies were interchangeable) dilemma relates to the difference amount of time each day to talk Your soothing words do not between men and women and the about the miscarriage. If talking soothe but open the wound that way they deal with grief following feels too difficult, share your never heals; nothing anyone a miscarriage. A woman is usually thoughts and needs in a note or can say can take away my more attached to the developing letter to your partner. Make a aching, drawing emptiness. baby. The loss of the baby can feel conscious effort to do one thing Please forgive my pain turned anger that mistakes your like a loss of a part of herself, every day, which shows your intentions and pushes you shattering her self-esteem and self- partner your love. away. image. Her emotions may be more Please just be there. apparent as she tearfully needs to Finding ways to continue to talk about the recognize and acknowledge your Suggested Readings experience. She may take longer baby’s existence can help Miscarriage After Infertility, M.C. than her spouse to heal diminish the miscarriage Freda and C.F. Semelsberger. emotionally from the miscarriage. dilemma and facilitate grieving. Fairview Minneapolis Press, 2003. These things can be shared in wwwfairviewpress.com On the other hand, a man private or with family and Internet Resources: is often less bonded with the baby friends immediately following WWW.NATIONALSHAREOFFICE.ORG early in the pregnancy and seems the loss or even years later. WWW.RESOLVED.ORG to grieve and recover more Taking positive action to WWW.INCIID.ORG quickly. He may appear less remember your baby may For more information on SGFC emotional, partly because he may include: having a memorial or Psych. Support Services contact have been treated like an outsider religious service; planting a tree Sharon Covington at 301-279-9030 by medical professionals during or flowers; giving a donation or the crisis. He may easily be special gift to a charity; putting forgotten in the process by family together a memory box with and friends as the focus is often on special items gathered for your this wife’s pain. As a result, he is baby; engraving a charm to wear; likely to repress his feelings and naming your baby; writing a seem detached from his wife’s letter in which you share your grief. Or he may feel that he dreams about this child and say should be strong for his wife, goodbye; donating a book on thinking that being positive and pregnancy loss to a support upbeat will make her feel better. group or library; using creative In reality, what they both need is a talents to channel emotions, such time to cry together, to talk about as drawing, sculpting, music and what has happened and what poetry. might have been had this pregnancy continued. Several years ago a woman shared with me a poem These differences between she wrote after her pregnancy wives and husbands can losses. It summarizes to me the sometimes cause many things you feel after a misunderstandings and hinder miscarriage while capturing what emotional healing. When you are helps the most. both grieving in contrasting styles, Your Kind Words you may find it difficult to be there By Nancy Carlson for your spouse. You need to be Please spare me from your patient and understand your kind words. partner’s feelings, realizing that Just be there for me. different doesn’t mean better or My insides writhe when you tell worse. Each of you will need your me “It’s for the best.” “It was own time and space to integrate meant to be.” “He’s with God this loss into your life. But you now.” (Why can’t he be with also need to keep communication me?)