By Edith Weiss

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For preview only THE FROG PRINCE OF SPAMALOT

By EDITH WEISS

CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Speaking) # of lines HYRONOMOUS A. FROG ...... lonely, odd frog who hates 165 the taste of  ies GLORIA THE GOOD WITCH ..... no-nonsense good witch 51 PRINCESS GLADIOLA ...... oldest princess; very bratty 87 PRINCESS TULIP ...... third oldest; loves sports; 44 bold PRINCESS VIOLET ...... youngest; soft spoken, gentle, 44 insecure PRINCESS PEONY ...... fourth oldest; loves books 40 and science PRINCESS ROSE ...... second oldest; a smart aleck 51 DELPHINIUM ...... down-to-earth, over-worked 59 handmaiden SIR LANCELOT PANCELOT ..... a knight; as pompous and 61 egocentric as they come ARTHUR THE PAGE ...... Lancelot’s page; tries to be as 35 pompous COOK ...... has resigned herself to life in a 12 crazy castle AUNT QUEEN BEA ...... absent-minded queen; 50 marches to the beat of her own drummer that no one else hears BERTHA ...... Aunt Queen Bea’s personal 40 maid, and, as such, nothing surprises her

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES Scene One: Once upon a time in a bog. Scene Two: The garden of Spamalot’s castle. Later that day. Scene Three: The interior of Spamalot’s castle. That evening. Scene Four: The same. A few minutes later. Scene Five: The same. Seconds later.

ii PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only THE FROG PRINCE OF SPAMALOT

Scene One 1 LIGHTS UP: HYRONOMOUS is sitting on a lily pad in a bog catching  ies. He is green and squatting. He moves by hopping. We hear the SOUND OF A BUZZING FLY. HYRONOMOUS catches it using a red party favor, the sort that unrolls when blown into, which he wears 5 around his neck. HYRONOMOUS: Yuck! Gross! Flies. Why do I eat  ies? I don’t like  ies. Well, I guess I eat  ies ’cause I’m a frog, and frogs always eat  ies. Ribbit. Ribbit. (Sees AUDIENCE.) Oh, hello! I didn’t know I had company. My name is Hyronomous A. Frog. I’m a frog, I sit in 10 a bog, I’m big and round and green. Ribbit, ribbit. I’m at my leisure on lily pads where life is so serene. And so dull! With the bees. And the birds. Other frogs think I’m weird because I read and talk to myself. I’m just a frog. In the bog. A cog. A frog who’s a cog in a bog. Boring! (Hears SOUND OF BUZZING FLY and sees it.) Oh, 15 no. A  y. (Catches and eats it.) Yeech! Yucko! GLORIA’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Yoo-hoo! Knock, knock! Anybody there? Helloooo. (ENTERS/APPEARS RIGHT, maybe even in a puff of smoke.) HYRONOMOUS: Ahh! Oh! Where did you… I mean, how did you… 20 just poof? GLORIA: Don’t worry about it, not your business! I’m looking for a Hyronomous A. Frog. HYRONOMOUS: That’s me. I’m Hyronomous Arnold Frog. Where did you… 25 GLORIA: Because I have an important message for Hyronomous A. Frog. HYRONOMOUS: That’s me. Who are you? GLORIA: (Shakes his “hand.”) Hello there. I am Gloria, and I’m a witch. 30 HYRONOMOUS: (Pulls back his “hand.”) A witch!! GLORIA: That is correct. A witch. A good witch, but a witch nonetheless. HYRONOMOUS: (Discreetly tries to look behind her, all around her.) Oh. 35 GLORIA: What are you looking for? HYRONOMOUS: Where’s your broom? GLORIA: I don’t have a broom! Do you expect me to sweep the bog?

1 For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: No, I just thought, you know, being a witch and all that— GLORIA: Well, you thought wrong. Now, I have something to tell you. 5 HYRONOMOUS: I’m all ears. GLORIA: I don’t see any ears. HYRONOMOUS: Frogs don’t have ears. It’s just an expression. GLORIA: Well, goodness me, isn’t that confusing! Now, I have something I simply must tell you, Hyronomous A. Frog! Are you 10 ready? HYRONOMOUS: I’ve been ready! GLORIA: (Pulls out a scroll and recites.) Once there was a frog of yore, Sitting on a lily pad by the shore. 15 Now this frog is wondering, “What I’m in his brown bog for.” “What I’m in his brown bog for.” HYRONOMOUS: Yeah. Why? GLORIA: (Holds up a  nger, indicating HYRONOMOUS should wait 20 patiently.) “What I’m in his brown bog for.” HYRONOMOUS: So tell me already! GLORIA: I have come to tell this frog That there’s been a big mistake. Something that will bring his dander up 25 And get him out of the lake. HYRONOMOUS: What’s a dander? GLORIA: And get him out of the lake. And get him out of the lake. HYRONOMOUS: I’m out! I’m out already! What’s the mistake? 30 GLORIA: You have been here for so very long. Now listen to my song. I know you think you are a frog, But you really are a man. Yes, you really are a man. 35 HYRONOMOUS: A man!? GLORIA: Hyronomous is a man! HYRONOMOUS: A man? No. GLORIA: Yes. HYRONOMOUS: (Hops around with much exasperation.) Look at 40 me! Look! I’m a frog! I’m not a man!

2 For preview only 1 GLORIA: Yes, you are. HYRONOMOUS: But I can’t be a man! I’m green. I ribbit. I don’t have ears. I eat  ies! GLORIA: Do you like  ies? 5 HYRONOMOUS: No. GLORIA: Of course not! And have you ever noticed you are the largest frog in the pond? That you are, in fact, the largest frog anyone’s ever seen? You’re gigantic for a frog. HYRONOMOUS: Well, I might be just a tad bigger than the other 10 frogs. A tad, get it? Tad, tadpole, frog— GLORIA: You’re not a frog! Not a real frog. You see, a very long time ago, you were a prince. HYRONOMOUS: A prince! Me? Me a prince? A human prince? GLORIA: Yes, that’s what I said. And then a wicked witch, not a good 15 one like me, put a spell on you and turned you into a frog. HYRONOMOUS: No! GLORIA: Yes! HYRONOMOUS: Let me at her, let me at her! I’ll give her a right, and I’ll give her a left, and I’ll— 20 GLORIA: Hyronomous! In the world of humans, violence doesn’t help things. And it won’t help a frog become a man, either. HYRONOMOUS: Well, what can I do? GLORIA: The only way you can be turned back into the prince you really are… 25 HYRONOMOUS: Yeah? Yeah? I’ll do anything! GLORIA: A maiden has to kiss you. Willingly. HYRONOMOUS: Who’s going to want to kiss a frog? Especially one named Hyronomous? GLORIA: I can’t really imagine anyone wanting to kiss a frog. 30 HYRONOMOUS: Hey! I’d kiss a frog. Especially if I was a maiden and I knew he was going to turn into a handsome prince. GLORIA: Oh. That’s the other thing. You can’t tell anyone about the spell. Or you’ll be a frog forever. Someone has to kiss you out of friendship… kiss you because they like you. 35 HYRONOMOUS: It’s hopeless. GLORIA: No, it isn’t. Hyronomous, do you want to stay a frog and live in this bog, or do you want to be the man that you really are? HYRONOMOUS: I want to be a man!

3 For preview only 1 GLORIA: Then you’ll  nd a way. It’s always darkest before the dawn! Where there’s a will, there’s a way! HYRONOMOUS: I’m up the creek without a paddle. GLORIA: Hyronomous, go out of the bog and through the woods to 5 the castle of Spamalot. Maidens and castles seem to go together. Now go! What are you waiting for? HYRONOMOUS: But I won’t know how to act. Not as a human and not in a castle. GLORIA: Just remember, when in Spamalot, do as the Spamalotians 10 do. HYRONOMOUS: (Starts to hop toward GLORIA.) Thank you, Gloria! GLORIA: Oh, dear. Spamalotians do not do that. HYRONOMOUS: What? What am I doing? GLORIA: You’re hopping. Spamalotians do not do that. Humans do 15 not hop. Well, not unless you’ve just stepped in something awful. You have to walk. HYRONOMOUS: I don’t know how. GLORIA: Oh, it’s easy. Start with the right foot, and here we go. (Starts walking, but HYRONOMOUS does not follow.) Right and 20 left and— HYRONOMOUS: Uh, Gloria? About the right and left thing? GLORIA: Oh. You don’t know your right from your left. Well, how could you? (Points.) This is your right foot. Watch and follow. Step with the right, then step with the left, the right, the left, the right… 25 (Marches on, while HYRONOMOUS performs a sort of shuf e, going in a circle.) What are you doing back there? HYRONOMOUS: I’m walking. But just in this one spot. GLORIA: You have to step forward, with both feet going in the same direction. 30 HYRONOMOUS: The same direction. (Does an elongated hop, moving both feet at the same time.) GLORIA: Remember, one foot at a time. Ready? Watch and follow. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. (HYRONOMOUS does a humorous exaggerated walk. His steps are long and awkward, 35 and he doesn’t know at  rst what to do with his hands. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) You’ve got it! HYRONOMOUS: I’ve got it! I’m doing it! I’m walking here! GLORIA: Excellent! Wonderful! Enough! Now I must go. Good-bye! (EXITS LEFT.)

4 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: Good-bye! Thank you! Bye! Well, off to Spamalot I go. It sounds like a place of maidens and knights and kings. (Sings a cappella to the tune of “Camelot.”) Spamalot! Spamalot! 5 In yonder bog I hear your call. Spamalot! Spamalot! In all the swamps there’s not A more congenial spot For a frog to become a man. (Speaks to himself.) A man… a 10 prince! She said I was a prince! Me, a prince. Hello, I’m the prince. What a thrill! Oh, am I really a prince? Is that why I don’t like  ies? I’m so confused. (To AUDIENCE.) Can a frog become a man? Do you think he can? You do? Well, if you do, then I’m going to try it. All I needed was a little con dence. (Begins to EXIT LEFT,  rst 15 hops and then self-consciously walks. Mutters to himself as he EXITS RIGHT.) Left, right, left, right. (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One

Scene Two LIGHTS UP: The garden outside of Spamalot’s castle. Later that day. HYRONOMOUS ENTERS RIGHT. From OFF LEFT is the SOUND OF LAUGHTER AND SCUFFLING from the PRINCESSES. 20 HYRONOMOUS: I hear maidens! And they’re coming this way. Okay! I’ll act friendly and maybe I’ll get a kiss. (Moves UPSTAGE. PRINCESSES ENTER LEFT.) GLADIOLA: Okay, we wait for Delphinium here, and when she gets here, we’ll tackle her. 25 TULIP: Yeah! We’ll take her down. Pound her to the ground. VIOLET: That sounds rough. Can’t we just tag her? TULIP: Where’s the fun in that? Come on, Princess Violet, don’t be a wimp. VIOLET: (Wimpy.) I am not a wimp. 30 PEONY: Violet, she didn’t mean it. It isn’t nice to name call, Princess Tulip. ROSE: Let’s not argue, all right? We have to win this game. PEONY: I don’t see how we can lose. It’s  ve of us against one of Delphinium. 35 VIOLET: That’s what I mean! It doesn’t seem fair. ROSE: She’s just a handmaiden. Who cares? TULIP: Let’s play ball. HYRONOMOUS: Hey, I wanna play!

5 For preview only 1 GLADIOLA: Who are you? ROSE: And how dare you speak to us without  rst being spoken to? HYRONOMOUS: Well, I was being friendly, I— VIOLET: It’s huge. 5 ROSE: It’s green. TULIP: It’s yucky. PEONY: It’s a frog. Of the genus Amphibious, species Squatus in Boggus, subspecies Hopsalot. HYRONOMOUS: I’m Hyronomous Arnold Frog. (PRINCESSES 10 laugh.) And you? GLADIOLA: I am the Princess— HYRONOMOUS: A princess! What luck! GLADIOLA: Gladiola. And these are my younger sisters. (HYRONOMOUS laughs after each name.) 15 VIOLET: Princess Violet. PEONY: Princess Peony. TULIP: I’m Princess Tulip. ROSE: Princess Rose, and why are you laughing? HYRONOMOUS: Oh. Um… I…. 20 PEONY: He’s simply emulating our behavior. VIOLET: What does that mean? PEONY: He’s doing what we did to him. He thinks you’re supposed to laugh when you  rst learn someone’s name. ROSE: Dumb frog. 25 TULIP: Here comes Delphinium! DELPHINIUM: (ENTERS LEFT, running with a ball. PRINCESSES rush to tackle her. HYRONOMOUS watches.) Time out! Time— (PRINCESSES tackle her. GLADIOLA comes up with the ball.) Ouuuuuuwwww! I can’t play anymore. I’m exhausted. 30 TULIP: What do you mean? It’s fun! DELPHINIUM: Fun for you. Not fun for me. You got a ten-minute head start! VIOLET: And she’s the only person on her team. HYRONOMOUS: That doesn’t seem fair. 35 ROSE: Who asked you? TULIP: She can’t be on our team. We’re royalty. And we want to keep on playing. DELPHINIUM: But I’m worn out— I can’t.

6 For preview only 1 ROSE: You have to. You’re our handmaiden. HYRONOMOUS: What’s a handmaiden? PEONY: It’s a person who is a female who waits on someone else, hand and foot. 5 TULIP: It’s time to play ball! DELPHINIUM: Oh, no. HYRONOMOUS: (To PRINCESSES.) May I play? I could be on Delphinium’s team. DELPHINIUM: Please? 10 PRINCESSES: Ewwwww. ROSE: I’m not playing with a big, fat, stupid frog with a silly grin. DELPHINIUM: Princesses, that’s just rude. He’s cute. GLADIOLA: He is not cute. He’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in Spamalot. (Sings, badly, to “Camelot.”) Spamalot! Spamalot! Over 15 the hills in times of yore— ROSE: Princess Gladiola, please. GLADIOLA: Please what? ROSE: Please don’t sing again. GLADIOLA: And why not? 20 TULIP: Because you can’t sing. That frog can probably sing better than you. GLADIOLA: Oh, yeah? PRINCESSES: Uh-oh. GLADIOLA: (To HYRONOMOUS.) So you think you can sing better 25 than me, huh? HYRONOMOUS: I didn’t say that. VIOLET: Princess Gladiola, please don’t lose your temper! GLADIOLA: (Loses her temper, but directs it at HYRONOMOUS.) So you dare to insult a princess? 30 HYRONOMOUS: I didn’t even say anything! GLADIOLA: (Throws the ball at HYRONOMOUS in anger. He catches it.) Hey, give me back my ball! HYRONOMOUS: (Starts to give her the ball, changes his mind.) No. TULIP: Hey! Give us back our ball! 35 HYRONOMOUS: No. ROSE: We are princesses, and we command you to give us back our ball. HYRONOMOUS: Ribbit.

7 For preview only 1 VIOLET: Delphinium, please make him give us back our ball! DELPHINIUM: How? Look at him, he’s huge! PEONY: That’s true. GLADIOLA: Ohhhhh! 5 HYRONOMOUS: (To AUDIENCE.) I’ve got an idea. (To PRINCESSES.) Okay, I’ll give you back your ball if you take me home and let me live in your castle. VIOLET: A frog live in a castle with princesses? Why, that’s unheard of. 10 GLADIOLA: Never! ROSE: Disgusting. TULIP: Yuck. PEONY: Well now, this could prove interesting. We could study amphibian behavior— 15 GLADIOLA: Princess Peony, there’s no way that frog comes into our castle. HYRONOMOUS: Okay. I’m going to play with my new ball. (Tosses it in the air as he begins to EXIT RIGHT.) GLADIOLA: Wait. All right, you can come to the castle and live with 20 us. ROSE: What? Princess Gladiola, you just said— (PRINCESSES have a quick whispered consultation, then look at HYRONOMOUS.) HYRONOMOUS: You promise? PRINCESSES: We promise. 25 HYRONOMOUS: Oh, boy! Thank you! (Gives ball back. PRINCESSES start to EXIT LEFT.) So whose team am I on? GLADIOLA: Hey! That frog is following us around! HYRONOMOUS: You promised I could live with you. GLADIOLA: We did not. 30 DELPHINIUM: Yes, you did. ROSE: Well, we didn’t mean it. We just wanted our ball back. DELPHINIUM: You promised! You can’t break a promise just like that. ROSE: Leave us alone. 35 DELPHINIUM: A promise is a promise and no one, not even princesses, should break promises. It isn’t right. TULIP: Not even promises to a frog? DELPHINIUM: Not even promises to a frog. VIOLET: But what will the neighbors say?

8 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 DELPHINIUM/HYRONOMOUS: You promised! GLADIOLA: My  ancé, Sir Lancelot Pancelot, is coming over to dinner. What will he think if I’m living with a frog? DELPHINIUM/HYRONOMOUS: You promised! 5 GLADIOLA: All right! TULIP: Let’s just ignore him. Yuck! (PRINCESSES start to EXIT LEFT in a huff.) DELPHINIUM: It’s all right, Hyronomous. Come on. (From OFF RIGHT we hear SOUNDS OF “SPAMALOT” REFRAIN, preferably 10 PLAYED ON HORNS.) LANCELOT/ARTHUR’S VOICES: (From OFF RIGHT, sounding distant. Sing to the “Camelot” tune.) Spamalot! Spamalot! A-hunting we will go! PEONY: It’s Sir Lancelot Pancelot and his page Arthur! 15 GLADIOLA: Oh, humiliation! To be seen with this booger-colored turgid toad! HYRONOMOUS: Hey! I’m not booger-colored! My skin is a lovely shade of swamp green, and I don’t even know what turgid means! 20 PEONY: Turgid. T-u-r-g-i-d. >From the Latin tugere, it means swollen, distended, bombastic. HYRONOMOUS: (Not understanding.) What? LANCELOT/ARTHUR’S VOICES (From OFF RIGHT, but getting closer. Sing.) Spamalot! Spamalot! 25 With my mighty sword I go! VIOLET: We can’t let Sir Lancelot see the frog! He’s very jealous. HYRONOMOUS: Of a frog? DELPHINIUM: Yes! You’ve got to hide, Hyronomous. Sir Lancelot will get you with his sword. 30 HYRONOMOUS: His sword? VIOLET: Hide! HYRONOMOUS: Where? VIOLET: I don’t know! DELPHINIUM: There! (As LANCELOT and ARTHUR ENTER RIGHT, 35 DELPHINIUM moves HYRONOMOUS UPSTAGE, sits on him and arranges her skirts to cover him.) ARTHUR: Sir Lancelot, look ye here! ’Tis the Princesses of Spamalot! PRINCESSES: Sir Lancelot.

9 For preview only 1 GLADIOLA: Sir Lancelot. LANCELOT: Ah, Princess Gladiola! My betrothed. My intended. My wife to be. Oh, paragon of womanhood! Oh, virginous, virtuous, veiled mysteriad! Oh, holy mountain of maidenhood! 5 ROSE: Oh, boy. Here we go. GLADIOLA: Sir Lancelot, you may kiss my hand. LANCELOT: Not until after I’ve recited my poem for you. HYRONOMOUS’S VOICE: (From under DELPHINIUM.) Ow. My back. 10 TULIP: (Rolls her eyes.) Oh, this should be good. LANCELOT: We make music, sublime and sweet. You’re the melody and I’m the beat. Just like the moss that needs its peat, Making it peat moss, then it’s complete. 15 PEONY: Peat moss? That’s not usually associated with romance. Composting, yes, but romance, not typically. GLADIOLA: Ignore them, Sir Lancelot. Now you may kiss my hand. Twice. HYRONOMOUS: Is somebody kissing? 20 DELPHINIUM: Shhhh. ARTHUR: What was that? DELPHINIUM: Me. I said, “Somebody is so impressed.” LANCELOT: Do not be in awe of me, handmaiden Delphinium. DELPHINIUM: I’ll try not to be. 25 GLADIOLA: What brings you to the  elds of Spamalot, oh lordly Lancelot? LANCELOT: I am a-hunting, gracious Gladiola. ARTHUR: As yet, we have had no luck, although Sir Lancelot Pancelot remains the hunter of hunters, the man of men. 30 HYRONOMOUS: Owwwwww. ARTHUR: What was that, Delphinium the handmaiden? DELPHINIUM: I… I was humming. Hummmmowwwww. Kind of a deep hum. ARTHUR: Please do not hum while Sir Lancelot is conversing. 35 DELPHINIUM: Sorry. GLADIOLA: Oh, Sir Lancelot! I was here in the  eld, a-gathering  owers. (OTHER PRINCESSES make noises consistent with eye-rolling. GLADIOLA shoots them a dirty look.)

10 For preview only 1 LANCELOT: Ah. But a  ower as glad as my Gladiola cannot be gathered. Rather, she runs wild and free, like the wind. From the bulb of her being springs forth beauty! GLADIOLA: Sir Lancelot Pancelot, you are a poet! 5 LANCELOT: And a man of the sword. HYRONOMOUS: (Peeks out. Sotto.) The bulb of her being? What are they talking about? VIOLET: (Sotto.) They always get like this. HYRONOMOUS: (Sotto.) My back is killing me. 10 VIOLET: (Sotto.) Rather that than Sir Lancelot. Shhh. HYRONOMOUS: (Sotto.) Right. ARTHUR: Delphinium the handmaiden, upon what are you sitting? DELPHINIUM: A bush. A  rm bush… (HYRONOMOUS moves.) … which is rustling gently in the breeze. 15 LANCELOT: And now, I must go. GLADIOLA: Say not so! LANCELOT: I must go! GLADIOLA: Godspeed! LANCELOT: Parting is such sweet sorrow. 20 ARTHUR: Good-bye. (With LANCELOT, starts to EXIT RIGHT.) GLADIOLA: ’Til evening, then. LANCELOT: (Runs back.) ’Til evening. ARTHUR: Bye, now. PEONY: Oh, please. Just go. 25 GLADIOLA: Farewell! LANCELOT: (With ARTHUR, starts to EXIT. Runs back.) Farewell! ARTHUR: Bye-bye. (With LANCELOT, starts to EXIT.) GLADIOLA: Adieu! LANCELOT: (Starts to run back.) Adieu! 30 ARTHUR: All right, already! (With LANCELOT, EXITS RIGHT.) HYRONOMOUS: Are they  nally gone? ROSE: Yes! Shall we a-homing then, Gladiola? HYRONOMOUS: If I can get up. GLADIOLA: Where do you think you’re going? 35 ROSE: Guess who’s coming to dinner, Princess Gladiola. DELPHINIUM: You promised. GLADIOLA: Shouldn’t you be at the castle, helping with dinner?

11 For preview only 1 DELPHINIUM: Yes, Princess. See you at the castle, Hyronomous. (EXITS LEFT.) TULIP: You swamp wart. HYRONOMOUS: I am not a swamp wart! 5 ROSE: You’re hideous. GLADIOLA: And I warn you—stay out of my way. You are unworthy, and I will wither you. (PRINCESSES EXIT LEFT.) HYRONOMOUS: With her? Of course I’m going with her, I’ve got to get a kiss. Ribbit! (EXITS LEFT. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Two

Scene Three 10 LIGHTS UP: The interior of the castle. UP CENTER is ENTRANCE from outside. STAGE RIGHT leads to the kitchen, STAGE LEFT leads to the rest of the castle. A large table with nine chairs is DOWN CENTER. BEA, BERTHA and COOK are setting it for dinner. BEA follows COOK and BERTHA, absent-mindedly undoing everything 15 they do. COOK: What is your request for dinner, Queen Bea? BEA: SPAM. COOK: SPAM, m’am? SPAM? Again? BERTHA: Are you sure? We’ve had SPAM for dinner every night 20 since— well, every night. Every single night. Always SPAM. BEA: Oh, I love SPAM. Our other cook doesn’t make enough SPAM. SPAM casserole, SPAM souf é, SPAM dogs, SPAM balls, SPAM patties… I love SPAM a lot. (Sings.) Spamalot! Spamalot! COOK: Yes, m’am. (EXITS RIGHT.) 25 BEA: Bertha, where are you? BERTHA: (Hasn’t moved, BEA has.) Right here, Queen Bea. BEA: Oh, there you are. How you  it about. The other servants never  it about. They rarely move. I think they must be asleep much of the time. Well,  it about all you like. I appreciate your work. I’m 30 going upstairs to put on my “during dinner” jewels. BERTHA: Very good, Queen Bea. Dinner will be served when you’re ready. (BEA EXITS LEFT. PRINCESSES ENTER UP CENTER, followed by HYRONOMOUS. BERTHA curtseys.) Good evening, Princesses. 35 HYRONOMOUS: (Mimics and curtseys to BERTHA.) Good evening. BERTHA: I’ve just been curtseyed to by a very large frog. (Pause.) I liked it. (Curtseys.) How do you do?

12 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: (Curtseys.) How do you do? ROSE: Bertha, stop curtseying to that frog! BERTHA: You’re very large for a frog, but I see no reason not to curtsey. 5 PRINCESSES: Ewwwwww. GLADIOLA: (To HYRONOMOUS.) Will you stop following me around? I have to get dressed for dinner. (EXITS LEFT with PEONY. HYRONOMOUS waits a beat and follows her OUT.) ROSE: And I have to  x my hair! Bertha, could you  x my hair? 10 BERTHA: Not right now, Princess Rose. I’m helping Cook in the kitchen. And, what a surprise, we’re having SPAM! (PRINCESSES groan. BERTHA EXITS RIGHT.) ROSE: Princess Tulip,  x my hair. TULIP: I don’t want to. 15 ROSE: I’m older than you. You have to do what I say. TULIP: Just because Gladiola’s not here, do you think you’re the boss? ROSE: Princess Violet, who’s the boss when Gladiola’s not here? VIOLET: Um…well…I guess you are. ROSE: See? You have to. 20 TULIP: Wimp. VIOLET: I am not a wimp. ROSE: Why don’t you both do it? VIOLET: Oh, I’d like that. Tulip, you can teach me. TULIP: (With a nasty smile.) All right. Violet, why don’t you get Rose’s 25 brushes and things from her room? VIOLET: All right! (EXITS LEFT.) PEONY: (ENTERS LEFT, reading a book.) I found my book on animals! This is fascinating! TULIP: Peony, what is this with you and learning scienti c things? 30 (VIOLET ENTERS LEFT with hairbrushes, pomade, clips, etc. She might even bring on a wig for ROSE to slip on, if desired.) ROSE: Yeah! It is not appropriate for princesses to learn things about science. Eww and ick. VIOLET: I’d like to learn! Please, Peony, read while we’re  xing Rose’s 35 hair. (TULIP, with VIOLET helping but unwitting,  xes ROSE’S hair into the most ridiculous manner possible.) PEONY: The study of frogs is called herpetology, from the Greek term herpeton, and it means “the study of creepy crawly things that move about on their bellies.”

13 For preview only 1 ROSE: Ewwww. PEONY: All toads are frogs, but not all frogs are toads, and both of them may have warts. TULIP/ROSE: Ewwww. 5 PEONY: Toads do not have teeth. Frogs have little cone shaped teeth. ROSE: Boring. PEONY: When a frog swallows, his bulging eyes close because they help push the food down his throat. 10 TULIP/ROSE/VIOLET: Ewwww. PEONY: Frogs shed their skin about once a week, and once it comes off they eat it. ALL: EWWWW! VIOLET: Maybe we shouldn’t listen to this right before dinner. 15 ROSE: How does my hair look? (TULIP has put her hair into a ridiculous style, maybe many ponytails all over.) VIOLET: It’s, um— TULIP: (Pokes VIOLET to stop her.) It’s gorgeous. (Gives a warning glance to PEONY not to say anything.) I only wish we had a mirror 20 in the castle, but you know Aunt Queen Bea—she thinks they’re a sign of vanity. GLADIOLA’S VOICE: (Yells from OFF LEFT.) Get out and stay out! HYRONOMOUS: (Tumbles ON LEFT, as though kicked.) Owwww. I don’t think she likes me. 25 ROSE: (Whispers to PRINCESSES.) He eats his skin. PRINCESSES: Ewwww. (They EXIT LEFT.) HYRONOMOUS: They don’t like me either. Oh, boy. Now I have to eat like a human. (BERTHA ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a plate of broccoli.) Hey! (Picks up a piece of broccoli.) Look! A little tree! I 30 didn’t know people ate trees. BERTHA: It’s broccoli. It’s a vegetable. HYRONOMOUS: Broccoli. A begtedable. BERTHA: A vegetable. HYRONOMOUS: A vegtedable. 35 BERTHA: (Patient.) Vege-ta-ble. HYRONOMOUS: Veg-teda-bull! BERTHA: Close enough. Excuse me, Hyronomous, I have to go help Cook. (Curtseys, then EXITS RIGHT.)

14 For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: And what’s this? (Picks up salt and pepper shakers and reads.) “Salt. Pepper.” (To AUDIENCE.) What do I do with this? (Kids usually say “put it on your food,” at which point HYRONOMOUS can lay the shakers on the broccoli. Much of 5 this is ad-libbed.) No? Oh! Shake it on my food! And what’s this? (Holds up napkin.) Oh… a napkin. Hmmm. So if I want to take a nap during dinner I… no? Put it in my lap? Okay. (Sits on  oor.) Broccoli… vegetable. Salt, pepper, napkin goes in lap. Thank you! 10 BERTHA: (ENTERS RIGHT with some food for the table.) What are you doing on the  oor there, Hyronomous? HYRONOMOUS: I’ve got to make a good impression with my table manners, so I’m practicing how to eat like a human. BERTHA: Trying to be human is not easy. Sometimes it’s hard even 15 for humans. (PRINCESSES ENTER LEFT and sit at table. COOK and DELPHINIUM ENTER RIGHT and stand behind table, where they are joined by BERTHA.) TULIP: Ewwww. The frog is still here. DELPHINIUM: Princess, he’s living with us. So of course he’s eating 20 with us. ROSE: Have you washed for dinner? HYRONOMOUS: Washed what, Princess? PRINCESSES: Ewwww. DELPHINIUM: Princesses, that’s mean. He doesn’t know. 25 PEONY: You’re right. You need to wash your hands, Hyronomous. GLADIOLA: Go down the hallway, down the stairs, and take the  rst door on your left. That’s the guest bathroom. HYRONOMOUS: Why, thank you. (To AUDIENCE as he EXITS LEFT.) Good thing I learned my right from my left or who knows 30 where I would end up! (He’s OUT.) VIOLET: Gladiola, isn’t that where the dungeon is, where we keep the  re-breathing dragon? GLADIOLA: (Fakes innocence.) Oh, is it? DELPHINIUM: How could you? (HYRONOMOUS screams OFF 35 LEFT.) I’ll help you, Hyronomous! (Starts to run OFF LEFT, but HYRONOMOUS runs back ON LEFT.) Are you all right? HYRONOMOUS: There’s a  re-breathing dragon in the guest bathroom! Somebody could get hurt! BERTHA: (Curtseys.) We’re so sorry.

15 For preview only 1 GLADIOLA: I’m not apologizing to a water rodent. And stop curtseying to it! HYRONOMOUS: I am not a water rodent. And I’m not an “it”! I’m a he! 5 BERTHA: Princess, he’s such a nice frog. GLADIOLA: He’s nauseating. When Aunt Queen Bea sees you, she’ll chop off your head at the neck. HYRONOMOUS: Chop off my head at the neck?! (COOK ENTERS and EXITS RIGHT as needed for food for the table.) 10 BEA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Is that Sir Lancelot Pancelot’s voice I hear? (Sits at table. Sees HYRONOMOUS.) Why, you are not Sir Lancelot. Why do you let people think you are? That isn’t civil behavior, and it could cause a lot of confusion. BERTHA: This is Hyronomous. The princesses brought him home. 15 BEA: Hello, Hyronoius. HYRONOMOUS: It’s Hyronomous. GLADIOLA: Aunt Queen Bea, this frog followed us home and won’t leave. Chop off his head! DELPHINIUM: No! They promised the frog he could live with us. 20 BEA: Well, a promise is a promise is a promise. A rose is a rose is a rose. I have a niece named Rose. Oh, there you are. Hello, Rose. Oh! I love your hair this evening. ROSE: Thank you. BEA: It’s like your head exploded but it’s still attached to your neck. 25 Most attractive. (ROSE looks at TULIP, who shrugs and indicates that QUEEN BEA is a little crazy.) But as I was saying, you mustn’t be a bean head, Gladiola. I think that settles that. So, Hydrogenous, what do your parents do? HYRONOMOUS: They’re frogs. 30 TULIP: You’re going to let him stay? ROSE: Aunt Queen Bea, have you lost your mind? BEA: Well now, that’s hard to say. The mind is in the brain, which is behind the eyes. So you can’t see your mind. So you can’t tell if you’ve lost it! I’m pretty sure I had it when I came in. Look under 35 the table, everyone. (BERTHA gets under the table.) Maybe it’s there. PEONY: You haven’t lost your mind, Aunt Queen Bea. BEA: Well, thank goodness. VIOLET: Bertha, you can get out from under the table now. (She 40 does.)

16 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 COOK: (ENTERS RIGHT with large plate, puts it on table.) Dinner is served. GLADIOLA: Finally! HYRONOMOUS: (To AUDIENCE, as EVERYONE puts napkins in lap, 5 etc.) Oh, boy! This is my big chance to make a good impression with my table manners and knowledge of human food. GLADIOLA: I’m starving! HYRONOMOUS: Pass the broccoli trees, please. VIOLET: Pass the SPAM balls please. They look delicious, Cook! 10 COOK: Thank you, Princess. TULIP: Pass the salt shaker. (HYRONOMOUS does, shaking it madly over her.) You don’t have to shake it! Just give it to me! HYRONOMOUS: Oh. I see. Pass the pepper, please. (Puts lots of pepper on a cracker.) Ahhhh- ahhhhhhh- ahhhhhhhhhh- choooooo! 15 (Sneezes on GLADIOLA.) GLADIOLA: Oh! ROSE: Ewwww! Amphibian saliva! BEA: Bless you. HYRONOMOUS: Bless you. 20 BEA: Thank you. HYRONOMOUS: Thank you. (Eyes silverware intensely.) BEA: This is a fork. HYRONOMOUS: A fork! DELPHINIUM: A knife. 25 HYRONOMOUS: A knife! BERTHA: And a spoon. HYRONOMOUS: A spoon! It’s a fork and a knife and a spoon. Oh, yeah. A fork and a knife and a spoon-a-rooni. To eat my cracker and my maca-rooni. (Has started a jazzy rhythm with the silverware. 30 DELPHINIUM and BEA join in, and this rap continues and builds as EVERYONE except GLADIOLA joins in, dancing, tap dancing, etc. Everything is said in this rhythm.) BEA: It’s for soup and things. HYRONOMOUS: I understand. 35 BEA: Oh dear Hybonnabus, listen to me. A spoon is for things too slippery to be Lifted up by a fork. HYRONOMOUS: A fork!

17 For preview only 1 DELPHINIUM: A fork is for food with more solidity, Like potatoes or tomatoes or a little pea. For that you can’t use a knife! HYRONOMOUS: A knife! 5 BERTHA: A knife is for food that needs to be cut, Like asparagus or meat or a whole red beet. But to eat… COOK: …there’s a cake fork, salad fork,  sh fork, too, And a butter knife, steak knife, lobster knife. Whew! 10 There’s a soup spoon, teaspoon, June under the moon spoon! VIOLET: Living in Spamalot as we do, We learn not to chit-chat while we chew. PEONY: And while we’re chewing, the mouth is closed So the food inside is not exposed! 15 TULIP: We do our best to be polite In the land of fair maidens and honorable knights. BEA: I know it’s a lot for a frog to learn, But I know you can do it, if you really yearn To live in a house instead of a swamp. 20 ROSE: Think of it as a little romp Or in your case perhaps more of a stomp Through the civilized, trivialized world of men. DELPHINIUM: If you have the yen, if you really want to, You can do anything you put your mind to! 25 ALL EXCEPT GLADIOLA: Boom shaka laka laka, Boom shaka laka laka, Boom shaka laka laka. (The dancing gets wilder and wilder. [NOTE: The food on the table can become “instruments,” i.e. a large turkey leg can hide a maraca, asparagus spears become 30 drumsticks, etc.]) GLADIOLA: (Becomes angrier and angrier. Shouts over the dancing and “rapping.”) Will you all cut that out?! Trying to teach a frog table manners! Ridiculous! Now, let’s eat, I’m starved! ARTHUR: (SOUNDS OF “SPAMALOT” REFRAIN. ARTHUR ENTERS 35 UP CENTER, catching EVERYONE mid-dance. ALL FREEZE. Puzzled, but ignores the ridiculous scene.) Announcing the arrival of Sir Lancelot Pancelot, Knight of Knights. BEA: (ALL unfreeze and panic ensues.) Well, show him in, Delphinium. 40 DELPHINIUM: Yes, m’am. (EXITS UP CENTER followed by ARTHUR.)

18 For preview only 1 GLADIOLA: We can’t let him see the frog! HYRONOMOUS: He’ll get me with his sword! BERTHA: Here. (Grabs BEA’S shawl, wraps him in it. Puts BEA’S purse on his head.) We’ll disguise you. You are— 5 LANCELOT: (ENTERS UP CENTER with ARTHUR and DELPHINIUM.) Good evening, Princesses, Gladiola, Queen Bea, and… and… BERTHA: Hello. This is Hy… Hygiena. Great Aunt Hygiena. BEA: She’s my sister. We’re twins! LANCELOT: The pleasure is mine. 10 HYRONOMOUS: Hello. BEA: Please, Sir Lancelot, sit down. (LANCELOT sits next to GLADIOLA. A BUZZING SOUND is heard as a  y goes by.) HYRONOMOUS: (Using a napkin, snaps at it and then catches it on his “tongue.”) Yuck! Ptooeey! 15 TULIP: Great Aunt Hygiena, please don’t use your napkin as a  y swatter. HYRONOMOUS: No? TULIP: No. HYRONOMOUS: Really? 20 TULIP: Really. BEA: (Gentle, as HYRONOMOUS looks at her.) No. HYRONOMOUS: All right. GLADIOLA: (Through gritted teeth.) Put it in your lap. LANCELOT: Sweet Princess Gladiola, patience is a virtue. 25 GLADIOLA: (BUZZING SOUND as another  y goes by. HYRONOMOUS tries to get it with his “tongue.”) Excuse me. Great Aunt Hygiena? Could you please refrain from doing that? We don’t eat  ies here. HYRONOMOUS: No? 30 GLADIOLA: No. BEA: No. HYRONOMOUS: When in Spamalot, do as the Spamalotians do. BERTHA: That’s right. LANCELOT: Pass the peas, please. (GLADIOLA does.) 35 HYRONOMOUS: (As soon as LANCELOT begins to spoon some onto his plate, HYRONOMOUS tries to “do as the Spamalotians do.”) Pass the peas, please. (LANCELOT stops, passes the peas to HYRONOMOUS, who just smiles and looks at them.) LANCELOT: Pass the peas, please.

19 For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: (As soon as he hands LANCELOT the bowl.) Pass the peas, please. (Just looks at the bowl.) LANCELOT: Pass the peas, please. HYRONOMOUS: Pass the peas, please. 5 GLADIOLA: Stop it! We’re not playing a game here called “Pass the Peas, Please!” Take some and put them on your plate! BEA: Oh, I was beginning to enjoy that game. HYRONOMOUS: You mean we’re supposed to eat these squishy green balls? Yuck. 10 COOK: I don’t appreciate that. I’ve been slaving over a hot  replace all day! BEA: Try the SPAM balls. They’re delicious. HYRONOMOUS: SPAM balls! (Takes a bite of one. PRINCESSES except GLADIOLA watch intently as he closes his eyes when 15 swallowing. ALL shudder, make a little “eww” sound and brie y look away. HYRONOMOUS hates the SPAM ball and puts remainder in LANCELOT’S goblet without anyone noticing.) PEONY: Great Aunt Hygiena, try the mashed potatoes. HYRONOMOUS: Mashed potatoes! Oh, boy! (Sticks his entire head 20 in bowl.) GLADIOLA: Delphinium, clear the table at once! I’ve lost my appetite. HYRONOMOUS: But I’m still hungry. LANCELOT: I, too, am hungry, as I’ve had nothing to eat. (Drinks 25 from his goblet, then grimaces at the taste added by the SPAM ball.) COOK: Let’s have dessert. (Reaches for pie on table.) Gladiola, I made your favorite, banana cream pie. GLADIOLA: Oh, good. Maybe this dinner can be salvaged yet. 30 (HYRONOMOUS grabs pie.) Give me that pie, dear Great Aunt. HYRONOMOUS: I’ll help you. GLADIOLA: No, get your slimy hands off of it. LANCELOT: Gladiola, I am surprised at you, talking to your great aunt that way! 35 GLADIOLA: Let go! (In the ensuing tug of war, GLADIOLA gets the pie in the face.) Ahhh! BEA: Gladiola, you really should use a fork. It sets a better example all round. (GLADIOLA storms OFF LEFT, LANCELOT and ARTHUR in tow.)

20 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I guess I made a mess out of that. It sure isn’t easy being human. BERTHA: That wasn’t your fault. You were just trying to do the right thing. 5 BEA: I’m going to don my “after dinner” jewels. Princesses, help clear the table. ROSE: Help clear? TULIP: That’s just wrong. What do we have servants for? PEONY: Well, they clean and cook and wash and— (Withering looks 10 from other PRINCESSES.) Oh. It was a rhetorical question. VIOLET: Yes, Peony, I don’t think anyone wanted you to actually answer it. HYRONOMOUS: Then why did you ask it? ROSE: Stay out of this. A frog knows even less than a servant, so 15 keep quiet. (BEA EXITS LEFT, followed by BERTHA carrying BEA’S train. COOK, DELPHINIUM and PRINCESSES clear and remove table through RIGHT EXIT. [NOTE: The table can remain if desired, but should be cleared.] BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Three

Scene Four LIGHTS UP: HYRONOMOUS, dejected, is sitting alone and muttering 20 to himself. HYRONOMOUS: (To AUDIENCE.) Sheesh, this is tough. What am I going to do? BEA: (ENTERS LEFT, followed by BERTHA.) What are you doing sitting there all by yourself, Hypochondriac? 25 HYRONOMOUS: I’m sighing. BEA: Why are you sighing? HYRONOMOUS: I don’t know. In all my frog life, I’ve never sighed. BERTHA: He’s depressed. HYRONOMOUS: Depressed? I’ve never been depressed before. It 30 feels awful. BERTHA: Yes, I know. Humans get sad and depressed, too. HYRONOMOUS: Nobody likes me. BEA: Nonsense! I like you. BERTHA: I like you, too. 35 HYRONOMOUS: Gladiola hates me. BEA: Gladiola’s a brat. She thinks she’s better than everyone else.

21 For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: But she is better! She’s a princess! BEA: That doesn’t matter. Someday she’ll  nd out that she’s not better than anyone else. BERTHA: Everyone has something that makes him or her special. 5 HYRONOMOUS: That gives me a wonderful idea! Suppose Gladiola was in trouble, and I was there, maybe in disguise, and I helped her? Then she’d like me! And maybe give me a kiss for saving her, right? BEA: Well… 10 BERTHA: I don’t know, Hyronomous, if that’s such a good— HYRONOMOUS: Of course! What a great idea! And I know just how to do it! (EXITS UP CENTER.) BEA: Oh, dear. Perhaps we’d better go and see what this is all about. Hyronamoe, wait up! (EXITS UP CENTER with BERTHA.) 15 ROSE: (ENTERS LEFT chasing TULIP. ROSE’S hair is now normal. VIOLET and PEONY, who is carrying a book, follow them ON.) How dare you do that to my hair? TULIP: (Hides behind VIOLET.) I thought it looked nice. ROSE: I looked like a jester! (Substitute  tting adjective for whatever 20 hairstyle she had.) TULIP: No, you didn’t, really. VIOLET: I’m sorry. Maybe it was my fault. I’m not good with hair. TULIP: See? It was Violet’s fault. PEONY: (Reads.) “Frogs are cold-blooded, and some are 25 poisonous.” ROSE: Cold-blooded? Poisonous? (Glares at TULIP.) That sounds like someone we know, doesn’t it, Tulip? GLADIOLA: (ENTERS LEFT with DELPHINIUM.) It’s about time you  xed your hair, Princess Rose. Dinner was bad enough without 30 you sitting there looking like the court jester. Sir Lancelot left! Said he had to get something to eat. Serve a man a  ve-course dinner, and he’s still hungry! DELPHINIUM: Well, he— GLADIOLA: Is that horrible and hideous toad thing gone? 35 PEONY: He’s not a toad thing. He’s a frog. All toads are frogs but not all frogs are toads. It says so right here. VIOLET: He’s a nice frog. GLADIOLA: If he does just one more thing to me, it’s curtains! PEONY: That pie in your face was an accident.

22 For preview only 1 GLADIOLA: He better stay out of my way! Now, I want to practice being a lady fair before Sir Lancelot Pancelot gets back. DELPHINIUM: Why don’t you just practice good manners and being polite? 5 GLADIOLA: Because I already know how to do that, you blockhead. Royalty is born with that. DELPHINIUM: Ah. GLADIOLA: Rose, you be Sir Lancelot. ROSE: Why do I always have to be Sir Lancelot? He is so boring. 10 TULIP: Because she’s older than you, so she’s the boss of you. VIOLET: Can I be Arthur? I love when we do this. It’s so stupid, it’s fun. TULIP: I wanna play Arthur! You did last time! VIOLET: Let’s both do it! GLADIOLA: I suggest, dear sisters, that you listen and learn how to 15 charm a man, like I have charmed Sir Lancelot. TULIP: (As Arthur.) Knight of knights! VIOLET: (As Arthur.) Man of men! GLADIOLA: (To ROSE.) Oh! Sir Lancelot! What brings you to the castle of Spamalot? 20 ROSE: (As Lancelot.) You told me I had to come. GLADIOLA: Sir Lancelot would never say that! Now just play along, or I’ll throw you in the moat! ROSE: All right. (As Lancelot.) Princess Gladiola! TULIP: (As Arthur.) Princess of princesses! 25 VIOLET: (As Arthur.) Woman of women! GLADIOLA: How do thou dost doest, Sir Lancelot? PEONY: You can’t say it like that. GLADIOLA: Why not? PEONY: Because do, dost and doest mean the same thing. That’s 30 like saying, “How do you do do?” GLADIOLA: Wash out your mouth this minute! What do you know anyway? All you ever do is read books. (To ROSE.) It ’tis is a beauteous night, ’tisn’t it? And ’twas was a wondrous day, ’twasn’t it? 35 ROSE: (As Lancelot.) Oh, most gracious, gorgeous, gregarious Gladiola, good evening to you. GLADIOLA: Oh! Sir Lancelot! The heat this evening is most oppressive. Oh, oh, ahhhh… I believe I swoon! (Swoons and falls. ROSE just watches her. Yells.) You’re supposed to catch me!

23 For preview only 1 PEONY: Fair ladies don’t yell, do they? GLADIOLA: Of course they don’t! I know that! They gather  owers and swoon a lot. Now help me practice swooning—and you better catch me this time. (Swoons. ROSE ignores her, but DELPHINIUM 5 catches her.) HYRONOMOUS: (ENTERS UP CENTER in a “Superfrog” out t.) Da da da da! It’s Superfrog of Spamalot! (Shocked, DELPHINIUM drops GLADIOLA.) Is that a damsel in distress? It is! It’s Superfrog to the rescue! I’ll save you! (Picks up GLADIOLA.) 10 DELPHINIUM: Hyronomous, don’t— GLADIOLA: Put me down, you wart-causing monstrosity! HYRONOMOUS: Never fear-o, I am a hero. (Carries GLADIOLA OFF RIGHT as she yells. As they EXIT, BEA, COOK and BERTHA ENTER UP CENTER, running.) 15 BEA: Has anyone seen a large supercreature in a cape dash by? VIOLET: That was Hyronomous. He picked up Gladiola and— LANCELOT’S/ARTHUR’S VOICES: (From OFF LEFT. Sing.) Spamalot! Spamalot! Where Gladiola lives! ALL: Oh, no. 20 BERTHA: No good will come of this. I see that plain as day. LANCELOT: (ENTERS LEFT with ARTHUR.) Where is the princess, the pearl of Spamalot? ARTHUR: (As BEA starts to answer.) I know not. I shall inquire. Where is the princess, the pearl of Spamalot? 25 BEA: She’s out. LANCELOT: Out? Why would she go out, knowing that I was coming in? ARTHUR: I know not. I shall inquire. Why would she go— BEA: We heard it the  rst time, Arthur dear. She got… um… carried 30 away. BERTHA: (Quickly.) By the wind! It picked her up by the skirts, and she  oated away like a large balloon. COOK: Exactly. LANCELOT: Oh, precious, pretti ed and possibly petri ed maiden! 35 ARTHUR: Oh, wanton, unworthy wind! LANCELOT: I will  nd her, save her and  ght the wind like the man I am. PEONY: You’re going to  ght the wind?

24 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 LANCELOT: But of course. Because… (Breaks into rhyme.) I am incredibly brave With each maiden I save. Or  ghting a knave, 5 I’m incredibly brave. ARTHUR: He’s so brave. LANCELOT: I will  ght the wind and the sea, Climb the hill or the tree. No, nothing stops me. 10 ARTHUR/LADIES: He does it bravely. He’s neat! He’s keen! He’s a  ghting machine! LANCELOT: And I dance a lot. 15 I’m Lancelot Pancelot. ARTHUR/LADIES: Lancelot Pancelot, Lancelot Pancelot, Lancelot Pancelot, Lancelot Pancelot… LANCELOT: I am the lord of the land With my sword in my hand. 20 I’m tall and I’m tanned. Could my essence be canned? ARTHUR: No can do. LANCELOT: Nobody’s better than me. Who could possibly be? 25 To put it bluntly, I do it bravely. ARTHUR/LADIES: He does it bravely. He’s neat! He’s keen! He’s a knight supreme! 30 LANCELOT: And I dance a lot. I’m Lancelot Pancelot. ARTHUR/LADIES: Lancelot Pancelot, Lancelot Pancelot, Lancelot Pancelot, Lancelot Pancelot… LANCELOT: And now I’m off to  ght the wind with my worthy man 35 Arthur! ARTHUR: And a mighty battle it will be! BERTHA: The last we saw of Gladiola, she was headed toward that big brown bog. (Points LEFT.) LANCELOT: So that is where we’ll go! Come, Arthur! (Turns, bumps 40 into him.) ARTHUR: Ouch, sir.

25 For preview only 1 LANCELOT: Behind me, Arthur. Stand behind me. I’m the knight! ARTHUR: I was behind you, but when you turned I was in front of you. LANCELOT: Then stop moving about behind my back! 5 ARTHUR: Of course, sir. LANCELOT: We’re off to the bog! (EXITS LEFT with ARTHUR. HYRONOMOUS ENTERS RIGHT, dejected.) BERTHA: Hyronomous, where’s Princess Gladiola? HYRONOMOUS: I don’t know. 10 TULIP: You don’t know? You carried her out of here. BEA: Where did you put her, Hydrangea, dear? HYRONOMOUS: Superfrog has failed. I… I…dropped her. And she rolled away down a hill. VIOLET: Oh, Hyronomous, how could you? 15 DELPHINIUM: He didn’t mean it. PEONY: Whether he meant it or not, Princess Gladiola is out there somewhere, rolling around, and we don’t know where! HYRONOMOUS: I’ve been looking and looking. I’m going back out there to look some more. 20 BEA: Oh, let’s let her roll about for a while, shall we? PRINCESSES: Aunt Queen Bea! BERTHA: It’s safer than doing all that swooning or swooping or whatever it is she’s always doing. BEA: And now that Superfrog is here, we can all rest easy. (EXITS 25 LEFT with BERTHA and COOK.) HYRONOMOUS: I’m not Superfrog. I’m a nothing. DELPHINIUM: No, you’re not. TULIP: Yes, he is. ROSE: Princess Tulip, let’s compose a poem about the frog. 30 TULIP: Oh, fun! Just like Sir Lancelot Pancelot. I’ll start. Hyronomous A. Frog—A Poem. HYRONOMOUS: A poem about me? Wow. TULIP: An Ode to Hyronomous. Hyronomous A. Frog, 35 You are lower than the low. Go back to your bog. You’re a sower of lots of woe. ROSE: Oh, very good, Princess Tulip! My turn— You oughta throw in your chips.

26 For preview only 1 You’re the drip of the drips. Your face could sink ships. DELPHINIUM: That is so not nice! HYRONOMOUS: But they’re right. There’s nothing good about me. 5 ROSE: You ought to run off to the sea. VIOLET: You’d think he was cursed! TULIP: He’s the worst of the worst. Of Gladiola he’s so fond, but he should be back in the pond! If he’s around her, he’s a downer. 10 If he’s with her, she’s a dither. If he tries to please her, tremors seize her! PEONY: Well, that is true. If you’re about, she wants out. DELPHINIUM: Princesses, you are not helping. You’re not helping Gladiola, and you’re de nitely not helping Hyronomous. 15 Hyronomous, will you listen to me? You don’t have to be Superfrog. We like you just the way you are. ROSE: No, we don’t. DELPHINIUM: Well, I do. I like you just the way you are. HYRONOMOUS: Really? 20 GLADIOLA: (ENTERS RIGHT, covered in mud and leaves.) You… you… you creepy, crawly, cruddy, gross, green globule! VIOLET: Gladiola, it was an accident! PEONY: Gladiola, are you all right? HYRONOMOUS: I’m sorry. 25 GLADIOLA: You mud-dwelling river rat! Look at me! I rolled for miles. HYRONOMOUS: (Hops towards her.) I am not a river rat! GLADIOLA: (Hops away.) Stay away from me! Now he’s got me hopping too! That’s it! You’ve had it, you bog blister! HYRONOMOUS: Can we still be friends? 30 GLADIOLA: No! You’ve had it! Finished! Done! (EXITS UP CENTER with PRINCESSES, still yelling.) PEONY: (As she EXITS.) She’ll calm down. Eventually. HYRONOMOUS: Oh, dear. Oh, my. Oh, me. DELPHINIUM: Oh, Hyronomous, I’m so sorry. You’re trying so hard 35 to make her like you. HYRONOMOUS: I’m a failure. I’m a nothing. DELPHINIUM: Sometimes I feel like that too. Just because I’m a handmaiden, Gladiola and the other princesses treat me like I’m a nothing.

27 For preview only 1 HYRONOMOUS: But at least you’re human! I’m not a good frog, and I’m not good at being human. DELPHINIUM: Hyronomous, you are really very special, you’re— GLADIOLA: (ENTERS UP CENTER, carrying a hammer, with 5 PRINCESSES in tow.) Ha ha ha ha. PEONY: We can’t stop her. VIOLET: She’s like a princess obsessed. DELPHINIUM: Princess Gladiola! What are you doing? GLADIOLA: I am building a trap with which and wherein to trap 10 the frog. (PRINCESSES EXIT LEFT. After a beat, we HEAR HAMMERING AND SAWING.) DELPHINIUM: I gotta go. Don’t worry about a thing, Hyronomous. She just lost her temper again. (Shouts after GLADIOLA as she EXITS LEFT.) Princess! Princess Gladiola! Put that thing down. 15 You could hurt someone! HYRONOMOUS: Maybe I should just stay a frog. To be or not to be a frog. That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler to sit in a bog and burp, or to be a man and suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Gladiola. 20 BEA: (ENTERS LEFT, in nightgown, followed by BERTHA.) Hieroglyphics! Sir Lancelot and Arthur are back! BERTHA: And Gladiola is telling them everything! Soon Pancelot will be here looking for you with a sword in his hand. HYRONOMOUS: A sword! 25 COOK: (ENTERS LEFT with DELPHINIUM. They run towards HYRONOMOUS.) Hyronomous, you’d better run, hide, leave, get out as fast as you can! HYRONOMOUS: No! I want to  ght like a man! BERTHA: But you’re a frog! You don’t have a sword! You can’t 30  ght! (SOUNDS OF “SPAMALOT” REFRAIN. DELPHINIUM and BEA hide HYRONOMOUS between them as the PRINCESSES ENTER LEFT.) VIOLET: Queen Bea, Gladiola told Sir Lancelot everything! The frog is doomed. 35 TULIP: He’s frog kabobs. ROSE: He’s a goner. PEONY: He’s toast! (LANCELOT and ARTHUR ENTER LEFT.) ALL: Good evening, Sir Lancelot. Arthur. LANCELOT: I have fought the wind and won. 40 ARTHUR: He has fought the wind and won.

28 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 PEONY: You won? LANCELOT: Of course. And now, we hear there’s trouble with a frog. Where is he? ARTHUR: Sir Lancelot is going to challenge him to a duel. 5 BEA: You can’t do that. LANCELOT: Why not? PEONY: Because he’s a frog! Frogs can’t duel. VIOLET: It wouldn’t be fair. LANCELOT: In that case, I’ll chase him out of Spamalot. I will rid the 10 land of all frogs. I will make Spamalot safe for Spamalotians! BEA: Get to the point, Pancelot. LANCELOT: Where is the frog? BERTHA: What does he look like? ARTHUR: A good question. 15 LANCELOT: Yes, it is. I imagine that he would be green and hop a lot. (BUZZING SOUND of a  y. HYRONOMOUS pops his head out, eyeing the  y.) You, sir! HYRONOMOUS: Me? LANCELOT: Perhaps you could be of some assistance. 20 ARTHUR: (To HYRONOMOUS.) I shall inquire. Sir Lancelot would like to know, have you seen a big green frog? HYRONOMOUS: Uhhh… (Points RIGHT.) He went that-a-way. BERTHA: You’d better hurry, Sir Lancelot, before he gets away. (As LANCELOT and ARTHUR start to EXIT RIGHT, GLADIOLA 25 ENTERS LEFT.) GLADIOLA: Wait! Stop! Where are you going? There squats the frog that has so rudely thwarted me. You marsh monster! HYRONOMOUS: I am not a marsh monster. I’m a frog. ARTHUR: Aha! He, sir, is a frog! 30 LANCELOT: Aha! You, sir, are a frog! HYRONOMOUS: I guess I am, sort of, but I never meant to hurt anyone. It’s just that I’m clumsy and— LANCELOT: I am the best swordsman in Spamalot. En garde! DELPHINIUM: Duck, Hyronomous! (HYRONOMOUS runs UPSTAGE 35 while LANCELOT gets involved in his swordplay.) Parry, parry and lunge! Lunge! HYRONOMOUS: (Comes behind LANCELOT and points him at ARTHUR.) Get him!

29 For preview only 1 LANCELOT: (Dueling now with ARTHUR, who quickly draws his sword to defend himself.) Take that, you vicious amphibian! ARTHUR: Sir Lancelot, stop! LANCELOT: To cause such distress to my lady fair! 5 ARTHUR: Hello, it’s me, Arthur! LANCELOT: Aha! Ha! I’ve never fought better! ARTHUR: Sir, you’re  ghting me, Arthur! LANCELOT: (Stops swordplay.) Oh! Where is he, that coward? BERTHA: He didn’t do anything! 10 VIOLET: It really wasn’t the frog’s fault! LANCELOT: It wasn’t? Then why am I  ghting Arthur? VIOLET: Because you got confused. You thought you were  ghting the frog. LANCELOT: Why did I think I was  ghting the frog? 15 PEONY: Because you’re just not that bright! LANCELOT: What? ARTHUR: I really don’t know why you wanted to  ght the frog, wherever he is! GLADIOLA: You’re  ghting him because of me. I am the Princess 20 Gladiola, and I command you to act like a man and  ght that frog! LANCELOT: Now I remember. ARTHUR: Good, sir. Now just remember, the frog is green. I’m not green. Frog green, Arthur not green. 25 LANCELOT: (Spots HYRONOMOUS.) En garde! DELPHINIUM: Run, Hyronomous! (HYRONOMOUS runs, into the AUDIENCE if possible.) LANCELOT: Come back here and  ght me like a man, you frog! (Faces ARTHUR with his sword pointing right at him.) 30 ARTHUR: Frog green, sir. Arthur not green. GLADIOLA: There he goes, Sir Lancelot! (A chase starts with ALL involved running ONSTAGE and OFFSTAGE. Ad-libbing, etc. At the end of the chase, HYRONOMOUS runs ONSTAGE.) LANCELOT’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Aha! I’ve got him! Take 35 that! ARTHUR’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Ouch, sir! That’s me! ARTHUR: (As he ENTERS LEFT with LANCELOT, GLADIOLA and PRINCESSES.) Frog green, sir! Arthur not green! Can’t you remember that?

30 For preview only 1 GLADIOLA: There he is! Get him! (HYRONOMOUS runs OFF LEFT, followed by ALL ONSTAGE, leaving STAGE EMPTY.) HYRONOMOUS’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) No! Don’t—(From OFF LEFT, HYRONOMOUS lets out a big scream, then silence.) End of Scene Four NOTE: There is no pause between these two scenes

Scene Five 5 DELPHINIUM: (ENTERS RIGHT, running, followed by BEA, BERTHA and COOK.) We’re too late, Queen Bea! BEA: Oh, no! The poor little big frog. BERTHA: It’s a shame. He never meant to do any harm. DELPHINIUM: I liked him. I’m scared to look. 10 COOK: Spamalot won’t be the same without him. BEA: Never again to hear the hop, hop, hop of his enormous padded feet. BERTHA: Never again to hear the little ribbit, ribbit, ribbit from his huge froggy throat. (They sob and wail.) 15 HYRONOMOUS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Ribbit. BEA/DELPHINIUM/BERTHA/COOK: Hyronomous! DELPHINIUM: We thought you— HYRONOMOUS: Sir Lancelot started dueling with Arthur, who kept yelling, “I’m not green!” Then they both fell into the trap Gladiola 20 built. Gladiola tried to help them out, then she fell in, then the princesses tried to help them out, but one by one, every princess plopped into the trap. They’re all in the trap! VOICES FROM TRAP: (From OFF LEFT.) Help! Help! HYRONOMOUS: I’d better help them out of the trap and apologize. 25 BEA: Apologize? Apologize? Enough is enough. I’m going to get them out of the trap, but only after I’ve given them pieces of my mind— which I found under my dressing table earlier. (EXITS LEFT with BERTHA and COOK.) HYRONOMOUS: I’m going to leave now and go back to my bog. I’ll 30 just be a frog. Nobody has been happy since I’ve come here. DELPHINIUM: I have. HYRONOMOUS: You don’t mind having me around? DELPHINIUM: No, I like it. You’re nice to me, and you make me laugh. I really like you, Hyronomous. 35 HYRONOMOUS: Even though I’m only a frog?

31 For preview only 1 DELPHINIUM: Yes. Please don’t leave. (Gives him a kiss. Now is the time for HYRONOMOUS’S metamorphosis. BLACKOUT. OPTIONAL MAGICAL SOUNDS.) What’s happening? Hyronomous, where are you? I wish so much, I wish so much 5 that you would have stayed here. (HYRONOMOUS RE-ENTERS as LIGHTS GO UP, transformed into a prince. He is hopping, but now wears a royal cape and a crown.) Excuse me, have you seen a big green frog? HYRONOMOUS: Delphinium, it’s me! Hyronomous, the man! I’m a 10 man! I’m human! I’m a human prince! The spell is broken! DELPHINIUM: Oh, good heavens! You’re Hyronomous? But… how? What? Why? When? Where? HYRONOMOUS: You did it, Delphinium. You broke the spell I was under when you kissed me. You turned me back into a human and 15 a prince! DELPHINIUM: You’re still hopping. HYRONOMOUS: (Stops.) Oh. There. I’m a man, Delphinium, thank you. And I want you to marry me. Would you? DELPHINIUM: Yes! No. No, I couldn’t. I mean, you’re a prince, and 20 I’m just a lowly handmaiden. And it’s just a little soon, don’t you think? HYRONOMOUS: You were my best friend when I was a lowly frog. Please, would you consider it? Could we at least have a courtship? 25 DELPHINIUM: Yes, we can have a courtship. HYRONOMOUS: Thank you, Delphinium. GLADIOLA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Delphinium, where is that frog? Aunt Queen Bea says I’ve been sel sh and horrible, and if I don’t apologize to him, she’ll make me work in the  elds. Can you 30 imagine me, a princess, working? (Notices HYRONOMOUS.) Who’s he? BEA/LANCELOT/OTHERS’ VOICES: (From OFF LEFT.) Gladiola! GLADIOLA: Oh, darn. I forgot all about them. DELPHINIUM: Where are Queen Bea and the others? 35 GLADIOLA: She fell into the trap when she was helping me out. Everyone’s in the trap. (As DELPHINIUM and HYRONOMOUS start to EXIT LEFT to rescue them, BEA ENTERS LEFT, with sword and shovel, followed by BERTHA, COOK, LANCELOT, ARTHUR and PRINCESSES.) I was just coming to help you. 40 Honest! Really!

32 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only 1 PRINCESSES: (Ad-lib.) Oh, sure. Yeah, right. How could you? DELPHINIUM: Thank goodness everyone’s all right. LANCELOT: Aunt Queen Bea stabbed me, with my own sword, right in the seat of my pantaloons. 5 BEA: Nobody ever deserved it more! (To GLADIOLA.) Have you apologized to Hydahopotato? GLADIOLA: I can’t  nd him. I guess he’s gone. LANCELOT: There’s a strange man here. Who is he? I shall challenge him to a duel! 10 BEA: Can it, Pancelot. DELPHINIUM: Everyone, meet Prince Hyronomous, once a frog under a spell. LANCELOT: A prince? But… but… that can’t be! A prince outranks a knight, doesn’t he? 15 ARTHUR: Bow, sir. (ALL ONSTAGE bow or curtsey.) GLADIOLA: A prince? Really? I’m so embarrassed! You know, I never meant one word of all those things I said to you. Tell him, Delphinium, that I’m really a nice person, and that Bertha was right to curtsey to him even when he was just a frog! 20 BERTHA: You bet your boots I was. You’re supposed to be kind and have good manners to everyone. GLADIOLA: I was just kidding. Tell him, Delphinium the handmaiden. HYRONOMOUS: Delphinium no longer has to be your handmaiden. 25 She’s going to be my wife. I hope. GLADIOLA: You? A princess?! But that’s not fair! You’re just a hand… (Her voice trails off as BEA glares at her.) …maiden. BEA: Gladiola! It seems you didn’t learn your lesson, after all. You will take this shovel and  ll in the trap you made. 30 GLADIOLA: Me? Shoveling? Oh, oh… I swoon. LANCELOT: Oh, put a sock in it, Gladiola. BEA: And you, Sir Lancelot, until you learn that  ghting isn’t the only way to solve problems, I’m keeping your sword. I believe it will make a  ne rotisserie spit for my SPAM. 35 LANCELOT: No! Not my sword! What shall I do without my sword? ARTHUR: You’ll have to try using your brain, sir. LANCELOT: But that’s so hard. ARTHUR: I shall help you, sir. BEA: (To AUDIENCE.) Well, there you go. So. Everything turns out 40 happily. The frog turns into a man who becomes prince of the land

33 For preview only 1 and eventually marries the handmaiden, who becomes princess. Sir Lancelot and Gladiola get married too, and they  ght all the time. You can just tell, can’t you? (BLACKOUT.) END OF PLAY

34 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES PROPERTIES ONSTAGE, Scene One: Bog scenery (optional). BROUGHT ON, Scene One: Scroll (GLORIA) ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Garden scenery such as  owers and bushes (optional). BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Ball (DELPHINIUM) ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Large dinner table with nine chairs around it. BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Big salt and pepper shakers, forks, knives, spoons, napkins (COOK, BERTHA) Book (PEONY) Hairbrushes, pomade, hairclips, wig (optional), other hair accessories (VIOLET) Plates and bowls of food including crackers, SPAM balls, bowl of peas, bowl of mashed potatoes, cream pie (COOK) “During dinner” jewels, purse, shawl (BEA) Plate of big broccoli (DELPHINIUM) ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Large table from Scene Three can remain but should be cleared. BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: “After dinner” jewels (BEA) Book (PEONY) Hammer (GLADIOLA) “Superfrog” cape (HYRONOMOUS) Sword (LANCELOT, ARTHUR) BROUGHT ON, Scene Five: Sword, shovel (BEA) Cape, crown (HYRONOMOUS)

SOUND EFFECTS Fly buzzing, Spamalot refrain (three notes of the “Camelot” theme) played by horns if possible, sawing and hammering, crash, magical frog-to-prince sounds (optional).

35 For preview only SET The sets for this play can be as simple or elaborate as you desire. For the bog, HYRONOMOUS needs a big lily pad he can carry around. It can be dressed with other lily pads, rocks, etc. The main thing the castle needs is the dinner table.

COSTUMES More important than the frog’s costume are his facial expressions— his face should not be covered by any part of his costume. HYRONOMOUS’S use of his body, especially his hop and walk, are also very important in de ning the character. When HYRONOMOUS walks on two legs, his hands should hang limply, as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. The only costume necessities would be green pants, a green hooded top and a red party favor around his neck for catching  ies. Big eyes sewn on top of the hood could be effective. Ideally, BEA’S gown is yellow with horizontal black stripes to vaguely resemble... well, a bee. She dons a nightgown in Scene Four, which needs to be full to hide HYRONOMOUS. DELPHINIUM’S skirt should also have lots of material for hiding HYRONOMOUS. GLADIOLA’S costume, or at least her headdress, should resemble a  ower. Her makeup should be applied too heavily, making her less attractive than the plain, but attractive, DELPHINIUM. TULIP, ROSE, VIOLET and PEONY could also wear headdresses made to resemble  owers. All other costumes should be from the late medieval period, à la Camelot. ARTHUR’S and LANCELOT’S costumes should include swords.

HYRONOMOUS’S METAMORPHOSIS The change can be as simple or complex as your group can handle. It can simply be a BLACKOUT or can include lighting effects, music, smoke or fog to cover HYRONOMOUS’S change. Of course, during whatever effects you choose, HYRONOMOUS the frog quickly EXITS and immediately REAPPEARS as the prince, complete with regal- looking cape and crown.

CHARACTERIZATIONS QUEEN BEA is not to be played as a crazy person, but as a person whose reality is just a bit different from anyone else’s. As the play progresses, we see that she possesses much wisdom.

36 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only In order to retain the humor, it is critical that the actor playing HYRONOMOUS stay in character throughout the entire play. For instance, the hopping and absurd walking of the opening scene must be carried through until HYRONOMOUS becomes a prince.

FLEXIBLE CASTING The part of GLORIA can be double cast with either BERTHA or COOK. By changing BERTHA’S name to BERT, the role can be cast as male. COOK can also be male or female.

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