This is entitled “MANUAL”

A COLLECTION of WRITING BY:

MAGDALEN POWERS MICHAEL BARRISH JON ARMSTRONG

ROSECRANS BALDWIN JASON GURLEY ANDREW WOMACK

HEATHER B. HAMILTON PAUL FORD LESLIE HARPOLD

KEVIN FANNING DENNIS A. MAHONEY SCOTT DAVID HERMAN

KEVIN GUILFOILE GAIL ARMSTRONG JOSHUA ALLEN

ALEXIS MASSIE T OBIAS SEAMON

Copyright 2002 and here we go... Magdalen Powers 3 On the Nature of Instruction, or: Note to Self

Rosecrans Baldwin 4 How to Build a Fence

Heather B. Hamilton 8 How to Unsuccessfully Woo Your Roommate’s Future Husband

Kevin Fanning 11 How to Be the Good Son

Kevin Guilfoile 14 How to Explain the Rules of Cricket

Alexis Massie 17 How to Get Your Man to Propose

Michael Barrish 19 How to Show Your Work

Jason Gurley 22 How to Start a Dialogue With a Complete Stranger

Paul Ford 25 How to Take the Train

Dennis A. Mahoney 26 How to Make a Baby

Gail Armstrong 29 How to Skin a Cat

Tobias Seamon 32 How to Be Igor

Jon Armstrong 36 How to Yearn

Andrew Womack 38 How to Organize Your Record Collection

Leslie Harpold 42 How to Make Things Easier for Everyone

Scott David Herman 44 How to Keep Your Distance

Joshua Allen 45 How to Perform a Card Trick

Contributors 49 On the Nature of Instruction, or: Note to Self MAGDALEN POWERS

First thing you do is realize you managed to make you phobic about cancer don’t know how to do anything really to the extent that, when you actually made useful: start a fi re with sticks, diagram it to your twenty-fi fth birthday, you realized — 3 — French sentences (not English, only French), you had no idea what to do with yourself turn an omelet with a single fl ick of the (there were other things at work there, too, wrist, spell words that no one ever uses, lest we forget, but still): The perils of peda- change motor oil (which, as anyone will gogy. tell you, is Simply Not Done At Home any- And who are you to tell anybody any- more). And even if you had something to thing? Aside from (yawn) imperfection, un- convey, who are you to dictate motives or worthiness, et cetera, there are books of all methodologies? Besides, what do they want sorts, instruction manuals, diagrams, chain to do with this information? Why are you letters, adequate signage, fl ash cards – the giving it to them? To help them out? To Vulgar-Adjective Internet. A little due dili- feel superior? To hear yourself talk? To shut gence, a little attention, people, and things them up? could be fi gured out, such as: how to make Consider the following: “Whoever exalts persimmon ice cream (four Japanese persim- himself will be humbled; but whoever hum- mons through a ricer, add 2 tablespoons bles himself will be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). sugar, 6 tablespoons lemon juice, fold in 2 Try to weigh this against your intense cups whipping cream, freeze), how to get to dislike of and impatience with obsequious- Rome (take any road), how many surrealists ness and/or waffl ing. Simultaneously recall it takes to screw in a lightbulb (fi sh), how to that “activity” in tenth grade health class say “purr” in German (schnurren). where each person got to anonymously Doing augury in the morning with the write down one good trait and one bad trait cat box: a universe in each lumpish turd. Do about everyone else – where for you all the they really pee in the corners out of some good ones were some variation of “cute” deep psychological need, or is it just because and all the bad some variation of “know-it- they enjoy watching you try to excavate the all.” This was from the same teacher who litter later? You never can tell with cats. How to Build a Fence ROSECRANS BALDWIN

‘Will you me get a rake?’ planted there the same day a year before. Mike was on his hands and knees, unravel- Rabbits had gotten the fruit again, so there ing a spool of white plastic fence. Sweat was was only the stalk, healthy but with nibbled — 4 — coming through the back of his shirt. His leaves, tied in places to a green bamboo knees pinned down the front lip while he stick. He turned over a twisted leaf, han- pushed the roll down the driveway like a dling it as one might touch a sick person. It carpet, then stretched himself out on the had been a hot July, and as he raked a circle mesh so it wouldn’t curl up as he pushed around the plant he stirred up brown clouds out the rest. When Katie came outside with of dirt. the rake, he was laying down on their gravel ‘I brought you apple juice.’ She had two driveway, his arms fully outstretched. big glasses – marbled plastic cups with fl ow- ‘Pinning it down doesn’t mean you win,’ ers inside the casing – with water from the she said, laughing, and stood on the fence condensation dripping off her fi ngers. Mike by his feet. took his glass and drank half, only to spill a He stood, wincing as the fence rolled up good portion down his front. underneath him and snapped against her leg. ‘Jesus,’ said Katie, smiling as she blotted ‘Just let it go,’ he said. the juice with a napkin. ‘You always…’ She ‘It doesn’t make any sense to open it here – pulled her hand away and stared at the wid- the plant’s around back.’ She stepped off ening spill, watching it closely. ‘Oh Michael,’ and the fence sprang away, rolling down the she said, and sat down against the side of driveway with Mike running after it. the house. ‘That was my idea,’ he said, dragging He looked at her and pinched his nostrils it around the side of the house. ‘Look,’ to release the pressure in his ears; she was he pointed at the ground between them. probably thinking of David, he couldn’t be ‘Where do these weeds come from? One sure. week I get rid of them, the next week Katie drank some of her juice. ‘You know, they’re back with friends.’ I could help you with this.’ ‘You’d think they had something against ‘I know.’ you.’ ‘Well, then let me help you; you don’t ‘That’s what I’m saying.’ have to do it alone.’ ‘Well, don’t tell me; tell them.’ ‘Hey, I don’t need help. It’s a small project. ‘Will you get us something to drink?’ Look at these,’ he said, picking up a handful Mike dropped the fence around the of bamboo stakes from the ground. ‘All I corner and knelt beside a tomato plant he have to do is stick these in a ring around the plant, then I wrap the fence around that was a fact of their marriage that at some and tie off each post. You see? Nothing gets unmarked point in the last year they had through.’ He pushed one of the stakes into both seen where one of them ended and the the ground, adjusting direction when he hit other began. a rock. ‘David was the only one who ever enjoyed ‘You haven’t stopped the weeds. You’ll this house. Remember when he drew all have to take it down to weed it.’ over the walls in the living room? We were He looked at her. ‘What?’ so angry.’ Katie shook her head and looked Katie sighed and shook her head. ‘Do you again at the old barn. remember when you bought this place?’ She ‘I wasn’t angry. You were the one who looked down their road to a neighbor’s old, freaked out.’ Now ten o’clock. Five steps. rotting barn, built right against the street. Now eleven. The wooden frame was collapsing, stripped ‘Freaked out,’ she said, laughing under her by the weather to ashy panels; the roof had breath. caved in from too many snowfalls. ‘I think we’ve had this conversation ‘I remember you crying when you fi rst before.’ He stuck in twelve and stood up, — 5 — saw it. You were already pregnant.’ He smiling like he had a secret, and wiped his pulled back his hair, wet with sweat, with forehead, picked up the roll of fence. She one hand. looked at him and he regretted the smile, ‘I’d taken the bus up from Boston,’ she just as he fought to enlarge it. said. ‘I don’t think I was even out of the ‘It’s amazing how little you remember,’ cab before I was crying. It was such a hor- she said. She retied her ponytail and walked rible shock – and I saw it coming. You’d off. had this strange tone on the phone all week, ‘Kate,’ he said, half-heartedly. A nervous like you’d found some lost paradise. Do you twitch, like a motor starting up, began in remember that fi rst day? It was really hot, the bottom of his chest. Nothing had been just like this.’ accomplished; the lawn was littered with at- ‘Sure, it was June.’ He picked up all the tempts. stakes and then put them down one by one, ‘I’ll get the ties,’ she called without turn- measuring the distance between holes by ing. imagining a clock, its circumference, one ‘Look,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry.’ She stopped, stake on every hour, with fi ve steps in be- and he fought for words, for what would tween. He was at six o’clock now, with fi ve console her. ‘You’re right,’ he said, his hands hours behind him, six ahead. ‘I’ll need those full of the fence. ties.’ ‘You don’t listen,’ she said, facing him. ‘No. It was July eighth,’ she said. ‘Are you ‘Now wait,’ he said, but she had already even listening?’ She grabbed his back pocket squeezed through the half-open door. He but he shook her off. waited, watching; he hated her for keeping ‘Yeah, but I’m trying to focus here.’ He him from work, but he waited, because it had to concentrate; he had to remember to was his job. A minute went by and she make the measurements. There was eight wasn’t back. What should he have said? He o’clock, fi ve steps, there was nine. This is felt tired, like his father, always ready for how you build a fence. He knew she con- a nap. He clapped his neck and wiped off sidered the fence trivial – a small hurdle the sweat, then pulled up his collar to keep for nature, she’d said – and that she didn’t from getting sunburned. The fence tried to see why she shouldn’t interrupt him, but to expand in his arms. explain to her otherwise was impossible. It The fi rst stake threaded easily through the fence, the second the same. On the third he with a wobbling tail, a few poles still stuck in had just threaded the tip when the fi rst came the mesh. She let it go and they watched it loose and the wobbling fence pulled out his wind up and roll away. stakes. For a moment she cringed and his anger ‘Shit,’ he said, and pressed his fi ngers was defeated by her face – that she knew to against his eyes. expect his temper – but she straightened her- ‘Here they are,’ said Katie, her hand under self and stared at him, her eyes wide open his chin with the plastic ties. He scooped and very blue. them out and stuck them in his pocket. ‘I’m not sorry, Mike.’ ‘What you were saying,’ he said, ‘about ‘Jesus, just leave me alone for a second.’ listening – ’ ‘I won’t say I’m sorry. I just can’t under- ‘No, let’s not; not today. Let’s just try stand you. Why don’t we go inside. You and remember what was good.’ She reached shouldn’t be alone out here. We can sit down and touched the tomato plant on its down – it feels weird by myself in there, like head and looked on for a moment. ‘Happy it’s not mine anymore. Please come inside, birthday, little plant,’ she said. He looked up Mike. Mike, I don’t want to be alone any- — 6 — and heard it again in his ears, not as an echo more.’ but somehow in his own voice, as if he were ‘I just need some time out here,’ he said, the one who had said it. and fell to his knees, patting the ground by ‘Don’t,’ he said. his ankle with one hand. ‘I’ll go in there ‘Don’t tell me what to do.’ later.’ ‘Please,’ he said, ‘Just not like that.’ ‘Just come inside,’ she said, but stopped. ‘Mike – it’s his birthday.’ He saw her leave but he didn’t care – he ‘I have to fi nish this fence,’ he said, and wasn’t being cruel, but he just couldn’t care, picked it up again. He could hear her say he didn’t understand her, not about one something else but he willfully ignored it, more thing, not when he still had so much looping the fi rst six easy after pounding to do. down the stakes, taking seven and closing on Up close the plant was in worse health eight, and he knew – he could feel it, in the than it’d seemed: There were pale gray blood inside his hands – that the fence could spots like mold on its skin, and the fruit snap any time, but he also knew it wouldn’t stems had grown over with black and yellow if he was careful. crusts. He took one leaf and held it, then ‘Mike, just leave it alone. Put it down; his eyes felt hot. He looked away, came back it won’t stand.’ She watched him delicately and squeezed the leaf between his fi ngers thread the eighth, testing the circle’s tension until the pulp stained his skin. with a fi nger, then the ninth, the tenth, the ‘That’s your mother,’ he said quickly posts behind him slowly bowing towards the through a laugh. ‘She’s dramatic. I don’t plant. ‘Look at it; why won’t you look – know if you knew that. We’re fi ne; we’ve see, it’s not working!’ One of the stakes had had a nice summer here so far and we’ll nearly slipped the hole but Mike caught it in go to the beach one of these weekends.’ time and pressed it through again; He was He was breathing heavily, drawing in the air looking forward with only two more before through his mouth. He stared at the plant, twelve. the waxy green oil of its leaves. ‘Last week ‘I said leave me alone.’ He got eleven, so I picked up some more work, so that’s good, close now, almost done. and I heard from your grandfather, he’s fi ne, ‘It’s not fucking working,’ she shouted wants to marry his nurse.’ He laughed a and yanked the fence so it fl ew up like a kite little at the ground, his eyes tearing up. ‘It – it’s not going very easy, actually, not It was surprisingly cold and slightly wet. ‘I’ll very well, I don’t think. I think I’m doing have this fence up soon, I promise, I’ll be some things wrong. I’ve tried to do them done in an hour. And then – what. It doesn’t right, and I almost do, but there’s so many get easier. I grieve and I grieve and we’re all things. I’m there remembering and every- still here, and still, grieving’s something you thing’s around to remind me.’ He stopped, do by yourself. You can’t grieve with anyone closed his eyes. In his hand he felt a pile of else. And she just won’t forgive me for that.’ dirt he must have dug up from the ground.

— 7 — How to Unsuccessfully Woo Your Roommate’s Future Husband HEATHER B. HAMILTON

Amanda stands at the end of the One Tuesday I left a dirty sock on the hallway, shoulders shrugging and confused, sidewalk just outside the weight room. The looking at me across her wickedly crooked sock wasn’t really dirty; in fact I’d washed it nose, a nose that on anyone else would look the day before. But I had to pretend that it — 8 — like a defect, but on her face completes an was dirty just in case he found it, to make undeniably perfect collection of shapes. it seem as though it had fallen out of my He probably fell in love with that nose; basket. he’s gullible like that. At least I think he’s I felt very foolish when he didn’t notice gullible like that. I don’t really know, so I the sock, having carried clean socks to the only imagine he’s like that, gullible and pre- laundry with no intention of actually wash- cious and everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve ing them. But it was Tuesday, I reassured never spoken to him, and have never caught myself, and he was going to be working out him even moving his head in my direction. at the time he usually worked out, and a But I can look at someone without stray sock on the sidewalk seemed like a moving my head, and maybe he tried that great idea. once. Maybe he stole glances at me. No one, On the following Wednesday I left two especially me, can say for sure that he never clean socks on the sidewalk, and on Thurs- stole glances at me. I’ve practiced stealing day I left three. In a matter of weeks I was glances in the mirror, to make sure that it’s leaving fi fteen clean socks on the sidewalk, possible to do without being detected, and I all in strategically determined positions. can report that it is indeed possible. He never noticed the socks, never asked The fi rst time I saw him I was walking a why I was carrying clean socks to the laun- basket of dirty clothes to the laundry, a low- dry or why I had only dropped white socks. lit windowless room in the middle of the He never noticed that I like tube socks with apartment complex. He had just fi nished a red stitching across the toes, that I never workout and was coming out of the weight left behind half-socks or black socks because room in the same building. I passed him, or I’m not the type of person who would own he passed me, I couldn’t tell. any. I’m the type of person who washes her For the next two months I went to the socks in hot water and bleach, and throws laundry room at the same time every day, them out at the fi rst sign of an unraveling taking the same path I’d taken the day I fi rst thread. saw him, hoping I’d catch him at the end of I thought he might like that about me, his workout. I eventually fi gured out that he that I don’t own any black socks. Somehow preferred Tuesdays and Thursdays, occasion- that makes me more feminine, more desir- ally Wednesdays, but never Fridays. able. I can’t imagine anyone loving a woman who would voluntarily wear black socks. never notice the way her green eyes match Amanda wears black socks to bed. She the fi rst colors of spring, or the way her owns several pairs of white socks, and I’ve smile could silence a room. He would never seen her wear them once. But she likes to know that she could cook fried chicken sleep in black socks. She’s never tried to hide better than my mother, and that when she this, and even wore them in front of my listens to music she bites her lip in rhythm brother when he came over one night to with the bass line. borrow something. I watched her open the Amanda and I did laundry on Fridays, no door and smile and tell my brother that it matter how badly she needed clean clothes was nice to see him. And my brother didn’t on Thursday. say anything about her socks, didn’t even “But I need this shirt tonight for choir prac- look at them. But I knew he was just trying tice,” she’d complain, reminding me again to be nice, trying not to look at her socks that she could sing like a motherfucking because she’s my roommate and he didn’t bird. “Let’s just do laundry today.” want to make her feel uncomfortable. “We can’t do laundry today!” I’d shriek, When she asked if she could do her laun- immediately catching myself and trying to — 9 — dry with me, suggested that it might be nice remain calm. “I mean, everyone in the com- to have some company in that damp, win- plex does their laundry on Thursdays. We’d dowless room, I panicked and choked and have to wait at least a couple hours to get scrambled for an excuse: a machine. It’s not worth it.” She was easily “Yeah. I mean, um. No. I mean, I’m fi ne. I persuadable, something that ultimately an- don’t mind doing it alone. It’s not that bad, noyed me as much as her black socks. really. I usually just take a book or some- Four Fridays passed with only a modest thing.” amount of scheming. I continued to pretend “But I wouldn’t mind going with you at to wash clean clothes every other day of all,” she offered, trying to help where she the week, varying the sock-drop strategy by thought her help was needed. “I hate going number of socks and frequency. down there alone. Besides, it can’t be safe.” One Thursday after dropping twenty-two I didn’t know how to refuse, so I just clean white socks in a small polygonal pat- nodded. “Sure,” I said, knowing that not tern on the sidewalk in front of the weight only would I have to watch her black socks room, I sat in the laundry counting the min- drown in a pool of bubbling detergent, but utes until I knew he’d be leaving the build- also that I’d somehow have to avoid the ing. About two minutes into the countdown, weight room. Amanda came bounding into the laundry, The weight room and the socks and the covering her mouth with both hands to sidewalk, those were mine. He was mine. muffl e her giggles. Two months of pretending to wash clean “You’ll never believe what just happened!” clothes, of yearning and strategizing, of cer- she said after catching her breath and jump- emoniously discarding tube socks, the ritual, ing feet fi rst onto a washing machine. all of it, mine. “What? What?” I was horrifi ed. As long as we stuck to Fridays, everything “I really needed a clean shirt for practice would be fi ne. I knew he never worked out tonight and thought I’d come down here to on Fridays. If we did laundry on Fridays, see if there was an open machine. So I’m we wouldn’t have to avoid the weight room, walking down here and almost trip over this wouldn’t have to risk the two of them pass- huge pile of socks out there in front of the ing each other. weight room. Socks!” If we did laundry on Fridays, he would “Socks?” I ask, still horrifi ed. “Socks! Like, at least ten pair. So I decide a seal or something.” that I’ll pick them up and take them to the “Like a seal.” lost and found, you know, because some- “Yeah, and he asked me out for tomorrow body is obviously missing some socks.” night! Can you believe it? I wonder why I “Obviously.” Maybe if I agreed with her haven’t seen him around here before. He’s the story would just end. not someone you could miss, you know?” “So I’m picking up the socks and this guy I knew. Every pair of sock I owned knew. comes out of the weight room. Oh my god! I also knew that he’d notice that she This guy, you would not believe this guy. laughs with her shoulders, that she opens He’s like straight out of Greek mythology, plastic bags with her teeth, that she looks at you know, and he sees me and says, ‘Don’t you in the eyes when you need her to listen, bother picking those up. They seem to pick and that she wears black socks to bed. These themselves up everyday.’” are things about Amanda he couldn’t miss. “They what?” She’s standing at the end of the hallway “They pick themselves up! Can you believe asking me to believe that he hasn’t ever said that? He says that whenever he comes out anything about her socks, the ones she’s — 10 — of the weight room he sees a pile of socks wearing right now, the black ones. If he in the same place. It’s never there when had noticed the black socks he would have he goes into the weight room, only when mentioned them, he would have been com- he comes out. He says he’s been laughing pelled to mention them. But he hasn’t. He’s about it for months.” never said anything about the black socks. “I guess that is kind of funny. Does he She can’t understand how that matters, espe- know whose socks they are?” cially right now as she’s trying to tell me “That’s just it! No! It’s a pile of mystery how wonderful the whole thing is, how it’s socks. He says he’s kind of spooked. never been like this. Anyway, neither of us can stop laughing. “He really notices things,” she says. You should hear him laugh. It’s so cute, like How to Be the Good Son KEVIN FANNING

My mother was lying in her bed. I day, and when I pressed her about it she said think one of the machines connected to her she was feeling not so good. I fi gured the was beeping. She was just staring quietly at fl u or something. My brother, Jordan, said the window for half an hour until she fi nally he didn’t notice anything, she was fi ne. The — 11 — asked “The curtains aren’t Jell-O?” next day she felt a little worse though, so I was sitting in the chair by the foot of we had her checked out, and the doctor told her bed, but she didn’t move her eyes, didn’t us she’d had a stroke sometime over the look at me to acknowledge the question weekend. They kept her at the hospital for she’d left hanging in the room. I waited, observation for a little while, then sent her growing impatient and nervous and fright- home. ened in the eight seconds before Leslie Clap- She had her third stroke while she was in ton, hair in a tight bun, swept forcefully into the hospital recuperating from her second the room, saying “No, no no. We found stroke. They were both a lot worse. There this new fabric in a shop on Holborne.” She was no sending her back home after that. stopped by the window and began running She couldn’t walk anymore, and could only her hands delicately over one of the curtains. use one of her hands. She could barely “It’s quite elegant, I think, and matches the talk after the second stroke, and even less couch much better. I hoped you wouldn’t after the third. When she did speak it was mind, but I am your decorator, after all, this with great diffi culty, and she forgot things: is why you hired me.” people’s names, whether they were alive or She went to the bed and squeezed my dead. It was like she had all the information mother’s hand. My mother squeezed back. stored in her head, it had just been misfi led. It’s one of the few things she still responds She understood food, she knew that she had to. Leslie looked down at her and smiled, to eat, but she’d put her fi ngers in the soup, adding “I do believe they even match your or she’d tap at the chicken breast with a eyes, what do you think about that?” My spoon or a straw. mother smiled up at her vaguely. That was She went right from the hospital to the the biggest response we’d gotten out of her nursing home, never went back to her apart- all week. I appreciated Leslie adding that bit ment. She didn’t fi ght it, didn’t try to talk about her eyes at the end. She was one of about it, but it was there, in her eyes. I our best actresses, but I still made a note to would spend weeks with her in that room. remind her about her cues. I’d talk to her, tell her what was news with The fi rst time my mother had a stroke the family. Uncle Herbie fi nally got another it barely even registered. I noticed she dog, if you can believe it. Did I tell you sounded a little different on the phone one Cousin Sarah dropped out of college? She’s moving to California? Mom would nod once didn’t want too many –I was paying them– in a while, but hardly ever tried to respond. but I wanted enough people so we could do The nurses would come in and put her in a this around the clock if necessary. I didn’t wheelchair for a while when it was time to hold auditions or anything, that would have change the bed. I’d push her up and down been way out of my league. Perfection the halls, weaving around all the other old wasn’t important anyway. My mother, she women in wheelchairs. Her physical thera- was there, but she wasn’t all there. I was pists would come in and say what a great just looking for people who could commit job she’d been doing, and I’d try to be en- to this, and work with my mother, and let couraging, See Ma? You’re doing great! Just her guide them. So I just sat down with keep up the good work. But she’d just frown everybody to explain what I envisioned and a little and look at the wall. fi gured if anyone started bugging me about This was a woman who raised two kids their motivation they were out. Luckily no on her own, and now she was just this one did. shrunken thing in a bed, probably hoping it At the same time, we were moving my would all end soon. She couldn’t hold a pen, mother out of the nursing home and into — 12 — so the only way for her to communicate was my basement. Actors need space to move to try to speak, but she could hardly do that and think. And all the coming and going anymore. She’d point to the door and say with the security there would have been a “There’s cars with him?” and look at me like nightmare. My brother wasn’t around much I was supposed to know what she meant. I’d at this point, he said he had some kind of say “I don’t know, Ma, what do you need. merger he was doing, plus his daughter had Do you need the nurse?” And she’d look the fl u so he had to spend a lot of time away, frustrated, and I couldn’t tell if she at home with her. This worked out fi ne be- was angry at herself for not being able to cause he would have just hassled me and communicate, or angry at me for not being argued with me about my plans anyway. able to understand better what she meant. My original idea had been to move opera- Jordan was always busy, off doing some- tions into the Wallingford Playhouse, just thing, work stuff. He hardly ever visited her, put her bed right up on the stage there be- so I felt like it was all on me to sit with her, cause I fi gured that would be most comfort- talk to her, be encouraging, make sure she able for the actors. They had their dressing was doing all right. But I couldn’t do it all rooms there already. But the manager didn’t alone. It was too much for me. He wasn’t love the idea. He had a crew in there build- going to help, so I got other people to. ing the set for Meet Me In St. Louis, I guess There’s a place in town called The Wall- they had three or four scenes they had to ingford Playhouse. They put on a couple build all the scenery for, and my mom’s different shows each year. Oklahoma, what- wires and stuff would have been too much ever. I went during business hours one day in the way. A liability. That’s what he told to see the manager. I sat down with him me, anyway. The basement wasn’t too bad and explained my situation. I wasn’t sure though, it’s fi nished, paneling on the walls, how else to approach it. I’m not an artistic drop ceiling, heat. Pretty roomy too, so I sec- person. I don’t normally associate with artis- tioned off a little area by the garage door for tic types, I didn’t have people in a rolodex the actors to have. They could easily come I could just call up. The manager was so and go that way, exchange notes on previous helpful and understanding. I gave him my scenes, change costumes if need be. number, and he said he’d pass the informa- I set up the largest part of the basement tion around. I ended up hiring 10 people. I like her bedroom back at her apartment. I brought over her dresser and night table, and Robbie Cornwald (Iago, Estragon) did put her curtains up with a soft light behind a hilarious scene about a botched haircut. them. Pictures of her and Dad when they A fragment like “The window kids,” in were younger. We moved her in one night the hands of summer-stock veterans Nina while she was sleeping. Pretty soon after Eggertsdottir and Lucas Carlyle, became a that I was sitting with my mother and telling touching remembrance of a family poodle her how I’d almost gotten a promotion at struck down in its prime by a school bus. work, except I wasn’t 100-percent sure it was But the best scene happened just a few going to happen because of this new guy days before Mom died. I was telling her Arthur. He was kind of an eager young go- about an idea for a trip to Atlantic City we getter and made me look bad sometimes could take when she felt better, and sud- even though I had seniority. My mother denly she said something in Yiddish. I hadn’t turned her head and asked “Did Joshua leave heard her speak Yiddish in years, not since the dirt there?” she and my father used to yell at each other I was about to gently remind her that we when Jordan and I were really little. While I don’t know anyone named Joshua when Ca- was remembering about that, Dana Wendle- — 13 — mille Galant, who recently played the part kin walked slowly into the room, followed of Mimi in a local production of Rent, came by Jim Sargant, dressed up like an old man, briskly into the room, carrying a vase of and using his feet to pull himself along in pink tulips. “Helen, I’m so sorry,” she said, his wheelchair. It was a scene where the old setting the fl owers on the bedside table and man was a neighbor of my Mom’s, and he sitting in the chair opposite me. “The traffi c. had had a stroke recently too, and Dana Anyways, Joshua? With the dirt? No. Jordan was his daughter who was taking care of was the one who dug up the whole backyard, him. Jim brought himself over to my Mom said he was going to put in a pool for you. and started speaking to her in Yiddish. Mom Remember? Even though you didn’t want didn’t talk back much, but her eyes really one? Kept insisting you’d love it once it was perked up, like she was remembering some- done, then you had to yell at him for three thing from a long time ago. While they were months to do something about that big hole talking, Dana chatted with me about how he’d left in your back yard. Then, Joshua,” her Dad was doing and how hard it was she said, putting her hand on my mother’s, taking care of him by herself. “called those men and had them fi ll the dirt It just went on like that for a long time, us back in and put the yard all back together. having our own nice conversation while Jim Joshua. He was the good one.” spoke Yiddish to my Mom. I was really en- My mother stared at her for a second, joying Dana’s company, she was very pretty trying to put all the names together, then and so nice to talk to. The thought crossed smiled and nodded at the memory. Like I my mind that maybe she and I would start say, there’s no Joshua in our family but I getting to know each other socially. I would was really glad that Camille made Jordan at least tell her later that I wanted her and the bad son. I’d been telling the actors a Jim to do more scenes like that, maybe have little bit about how he never helped me out. those be recurring characters. Afterwards Camille just sat with my mother After a while Dana told Jim that it was for a while, chatting about the weather and time for them to go, so Jim said a few more the news, which she made sound more pleas- things to my Mom and then began pulling ant than it was, until my mother fell asleep. himself along out of the room. I saw my It went on like that for a few weeks. My Mom watching how he did it, and when mother said “Who had it this long before?” they were almost all the way out of the room, my Mom, in the clearest voice I’d He was right about the expense. I’d actu- heard since before her strokes, said “Maybe ally been taking a little money out of Mom’s I could learn to do that.” It was like she was bank account to help make ends meet. It suddenly completely aware of her surround- had been somewhat of a worry, and the ings for that one moment. It was the only thought of inviting an audience had actually time it happened. crossed my mind. He turned to face Mom Sometimes my brother would come and and said “Mom, I’m sorry he’s doing this visit, but not often. He would just read his to you. I tried to stop him. You deserve Wall Street Journal and ignore the rest of us better. You shouldn’t have given him Power and what we were trying to do. “How much of Attorney.” Which was such a load of crap, are you paying them?” he asked me out of coming from him. Of course she gave me nowhere one day. “Mom has no clue what’s Power of Attorney, I asked for it and he was going on here, where she is, what you’re never around. But Mom didn’t nod or smile doing. She’s practically produce. How much at him, just raised her eyebrows a little bit. I is this costing you? How long are you plan- think she knew what the real deal was. ning on keeping this up? If it goes on much — 14 — longer you’re going to have to start selling tickets to this show.” How to Explain the Rules of Cricket KEVIN GUILFOILE

You know the big tent at the east you and the other pie-eater switch places end of the county fairgrounds? Next to the and then you can eat one of his pies. show barn? Imagine it’s an oval fi lled with And I suppose he eats one of my pies. 90,000 Pakistanis who love to watch pie-eat- Correct. And after you eat one, you — 15 — ing – who love pie-eating more than soccer – switch places again, eat a pie, switch places, even though it seems to the rest of us that eat a pie, and so on until the other team eating pie would be a fairly unpleasant re- throws the ball back into the pitch. minder of British Colonialism. Do a lot of people get sick? OK. Got it. Sick? Why? The area where the table is, where the All that eating and running and eating and pie-eaters sit, is called “the pitch.” At either running. It seems like nausea would be a hazard. end of the pitch is a line marking “the Well, no. Not really. I’ll get to that in a crease.” Now, let’s say that inside one of minute. these creases, your pies are cooling on top of Sorry. three sticks, which are called “stumps.” This That’s OK. But if you miss the ball with contraption is called a “wicket” and there’s a the bat, and the bowler knocks over your man attempting to knock the wicket over by pies, you’re out, and another pie-eater from throwing a ball at it. your team takes your place. You can also Is he the other pie-eater, trying to ruin my be called out if the other team catches pies? your ball on the fl y, or if the ball hits your No, the other pie-eater is on your team, body and the umpire rules that it otherwise and he’s standing in front of his own wicket would have knocked over your wicket. This of pies at the other end of the pitch. is called “lbp,” or “Leg Before Pies.” There are teams? That’s weird. You don’t usu- I see. ally see that in competitive pie-eating. After ten of your players are out, your Right. So the guy from the other team is “innings” are over, and then it’s the other called a “bowler” and he’s trying to knock team’s turn. your pies down before you can eat them. And whoever eats the most pies wins? He throws with an overhand motion, releas- Sort of. This is one way in which cricket is ing the ball before he steps into the crease, different from pie-eating. Pie-eating, as you usually bouncing the ball on the ground to know, is pretty much all about the pies – make it harder for the pie-eater to pick up. how much pie you eat, how fast you can To protect your pies, you have a bat, and eat it, that sort of thing. In cricket, you’re when he throws the ball, you swing the bat trying to score “runs” and you can do that and try to swat the ball away. If you hit it, by consuming pies, but also by hitting the ball across designated boundaries. What? Who’s one of those? OK, I think I understand. You are. Great. Now all you need to do is imagine Who are they? that there are no pies, and that the whole Them. You. thing goes on for fi ve days. Who? Wait a minute. No pies? No pies at all? All of you. You always have to bring Well, I suppose you could bring a pie if reason into everything. you wanted – you know, for the other guys – So? but the point is that the presence of pie Reasons are spoilers. Nasty things. Most won’t have any bearing on the outcome of people learn soccer or baseball or cricket the match. when they’re children. That’s so they don’t What about all the stuff you said about the ask why all the time. If you expect there to pie-eaters switching places and eating each oth- be a “point” to a cricket match or a painting er’s pies? or a short essay written during Wednesday Nope. They just run back and forth be- night’s rerun of Law & Order, you’ll be fre- tween the creases, switching places. And quently disappointed. — 16 — they’re called “batsmen.” There are no pies. Sorry. You’re really going to have to get that That’s OK. How about a game of Hearts? through your head. Fine. You’ll have to teach me. So what’s the point? It’s easy. You know how in the Sixties The point? I don’t think the rules say any- you had the British Invasion? You had The thing specifi cally about a point to it. Why? Beatles, The Stones, The Kinks, and The Because the point of eating pie is self-evident: Who. free pie. I don’t see the point of hitting a ball OK. with a bat and switching places with another The Rolling Stones are trump. And Ray guy. Davies is worth 13 points. You might as well ask what’s the point of So I want Ray Davies. any sport? No you don’t. That’s the thing. Well? Interesting… Oh. You’re one of those. How to Get Your Man to Propose ALEXIS MASSIE

We both know what a woman you Make known your backup plan, should he are: even-tempered, reasonable, and diplo- fail to deliver. matic. You are attractive, intelligent, gener- Countdown clock, conveniently (and per- ous. You may have many friends, perhaps manently) mounted on his desk, is optional. — 17 — even a successful career. You are, in short, a liberated woman. And that means it’s time 3. Abstinence. to graduate to the next phase of your per- Embark on a campaign of sexual abstinence. sonal development: turning that dusty old Avoid all physical contact. As women have boyfriend into a bona fi de mister. no sexual desire of their own, this should Do not despair! Here is a list of helpful present no great diffi culties. Beware! Your tips and strategies that can reform your man man might attempt to “relieve himself ” into an acceptable member of society, also without you! In such a case, careful moni- providing the necessary delusion that it was toring and a shocked and disgusted facial his decision all along. Listed in order of effec- expression will make him realize that you tiveness, a gradual, multi-phased approach is are the only release he needs. recommended for best results. 4. Embrace treachery. 1. Throw him out. Illustrate the difference between “husband” Nothing says “I want to spend the rest of and “roommate” by bringing competitors my life with you” like changing the locks. onto the fi eld. There are two approaches to Have his belongings waiting for him out on this step, so take the route that serves you the front lawn, then buy yourself a pint of best: ice cream and make a night of it. Surprise a. Put on a dress and pin your hair up. is key with this approach; fi nding suitable When he asks why, explain that you “temporary” accommodations should be as have a date. While he sputters in protest, inconvenient and emotionally painful as pos- calmly and reassuringly state, “Well, it’s sible, leading him to realize how precious not like we’re married.” Leave quickly. and irreplaceable you are. Before you return, remember to let loose your hair. For women with short hair, 2. Set the date, with or without him. muss. Divulge no details. Gingerly introduce the topic by notifying b. Invite a male friend from work over for him that you have set a date at which point a business dinner to discuss the project you expect to be married. Offer this in you’re both involved in. Explain to your the spirit of open communication, because man that you have a date and could he you want “no secrets to come between us.” please fi nd somewhere else to be? If he refuses, introduce him to your friend as so if he retreats, tell him to “stop being so your roommate and then dismiss him petulant.” When he storms away, restrain from your attention. If he leaves as re- yourself from calling out other helpful bits quested, marry the friend. of advice, such as, “...and why don’t you get a real job while you’re at it.” This will only 5. Develop a conducive environment. confuse him. Better to remain focused and Remark upon how many of your friends are work on those other issues later. married. Every day. 8. Use the power of the mind. 6. Build coalitions. Get into the habit of psychically willing Whenever possible, invite your parents over him to marry you. After enough time has and allow them to speak freely. Despite your elapsed, he may notice that you’re staring at instincts, do not defend your man. Rehearse him. A little more time, and he may even when necessary. To ensure a united front, begin to wonder why. He may even grow offer the bribe of grandchildren. Exquisitely unnerved, making him vulnerable. This is effective on its own, this incentive may also when to start playing the subliminal mes- — 18 — enlist his parents to your cause. sages you’ve encoded into his CD collection. Gentle readers may fi nd these practices 7. Confront him. to be shocking, perhaps even repugnant. Yet In the interest of diplomacy, you may fi nd time and endless example have proven that yourself tempted to discuss your desires being kind and generous to men only de- with your man. This is an ill-advised strata- grades your value in their eyes. You must gem, as it will put him on the defensive. Nev- be strong. Adopt these practices, and you ertheless, if you’re one of these “modern” are sure to have a long, loving life together. women who thinks your man is an intel- More importantly, you’ll be establishing ligent person with a sweet and rational soul, habits you can leverage in order to exchange the master of his baser instincts, then I offer the tacky trinket he offered you for a more some words of advice: You must embody elegant 1.5-karat Tiffany solitaire. The time a mountain, strong and cold. Belittle his pro- has come for action. Take arms and good tests, wave away his concerns. It is impor- luck! tant to link being single with being childish, How to Show Your Work MICHAEL BARRISH

I don’t care what anybody says, I’m tion to anything. not sorry for what happened to Mrs. Over- Mrs. Overhalt thinks she’s punishing me halt. It’s sad I guess, but it wasn’t my fault, by sending me to the back of the room but and anyway she hates me because I can really she’s not, so I always act like I’m upset — 19 — do all the problems in my head, everyone about it to make her think she is when she knows it. isn’t. Like one time we were playing this game Mrs. Overhalt said, I saw you with my where one kid from each side of the class own eyes, so I said, You couldn’t have seen stands at the board and does a math prob- anything because I wasn’t, and then she said, lem, and Mrs. Overhalt got upset because That’s it, I’ve had enough, and she started every time it was my turn I would close my coming to the back of the room. eyes and know the answer. So the next time But I never called her Mrs. Overweight, we played the same game she made a new that’s not true, I don’t know who said that, rule you had to show your work or your because I didn’t, although she really is over- answer didn’t count. weight, anyone can see that, except that it Of course she did it because she’s upset was Richard Marcus who said that, not me, I that I won’t ever show my work, because I just call her Mrs. Overhalt. won’t. Or I just call her you or I don’t call her But anyway that’s not what happened this anything, you don’t always have to call a time. person a name. What happened is, Mrs. Overhalt said to But I got scared when I saw her coming, stop talking but I wasn’t talking, so I said because her nose looked funny, like the I wasn’t and she got mad and said, What holes got bigger all of a sudden, like she was are you, calling me a liar? so I said, I’m not wearing one of those little pieces of tape calling you anything, I’m just saying I wasn’t that football players wear on their noses talking, because I wasn’t. to keep them open I guess, and Richard I forget why, but I was already sitting in Marcus said, You’re in trouble now, and I the back of the room. wondered if I should run, but before I could Probably I was there because I was talk- even think where to run to, Mrs. Overhalt ing before. grabbed my ear. I do talk sometimes and Mrs. Overhalt I never expected her to grab my ear. sends me to the back of the room, but actu- If you ask me, the reason Mrs. Overhalt ally I like it much better in the back of the is so upset is because she can’t do the prob- room because I can look out the window lems in her own head and I can, that’s the and don’t have to pretend to be paying atten- reason. Sometimes she says I’ll never make it to it was upsetting and no one knew what to college if I don’t start showing my work, do. or I’ll fl unk out of college the fi rst week It wasn’t like the emergency bell, it because you have to show your work in col- wasn’t like that at all. Because with the emer- lege, so I say, Fine, I’m not going to college. gency bell, you already know what’s going Anyway I couldn’t really hear what she to happen before it happens because your was saying when she was pulling my ear, but teacher tells you about it for a whole week, Richard Marcus says that she kept calling me and then the bell rings and everybody walks Copernicus and saying that she was going to outside in a straight line and you have to take Copernicus to the principal’s offi ce. stand there in the schoolyard with all the Richard Marcus says that it must be a bad kids in all the classes until it’s time to go name because of how many times she was back in. saying it and because she made it seem like But it wasn’t like that. it was a special name to call someone, which The way it looked was like she was sleep- it wasn’t, you could tell. ing. But I don’t think she should have called And then Mrs. Staller came in all of a — 20 — me anything because I wasn’t calling her sudden and said, My god, what is this? anything and she was pulling really hard, Mrs. Staller teaches the class across the and besides, I had to walk with my head hall. turned sideways and then I banged into Usually Mrs. Staller wears so much someone’s desk, I still don’t know whose make-up on her eyes that it makes her look desk that was, and now I have a bruise. like a raccoon. So I hit Mrs. Overhalt in the stomach to Every time I see Mrs. Staller, the fi rst get her to stop pulling my ear like that, but thing I always think is that she’s looks like she wouldn’t stop even after I hit her in the a raccoon. stomach, so instead I did this thing my sister My mom says that Mrs. Staller thinks taught me – my sister takes women’s self- that her eyes are pretty and so she tries to defense even though she’s not a woman yet, get people to look at them by wearing lots she’s only twelve – I jumped on her foot. of make-up around them, like she’s circling My sister says that you’re supposed to them with something nice and saying, Here, shout No when you jump on a person’s foot, look at this, but then it doesn’t really work but I don’t think I remembered to do that because people end up thinking she looks part, unless I just did it anyway without ever like a raccoon, so they never notice her eyes. thinking about it. Sometimes I just want to tell Mrs. Staller My sister says that your feet have more that she looks like a raccoon with all that bones than anywhere except your hands. make-up, except my mom says you should I don’t really remember how many bones never tell people things like that. But I don’t they have exactly, but Mrs. Overhalt made a really agree with my mom because I think funny sound like she just remembered some- Mrs. Staller would rather know what she thing important and fell to the fl oor holding looks like, because then at least she could her foot. fi nd another way to get people to look at Also I guess she must have hit her head her eyes. when she fell, but I never saw that, but that’s So Mrs. Staller ran over to Mrs. Overhalt what must have happened, I guess. and you could tell she didn’t know what to Anyway all the kids were standing at their do, which is funny because teachers always desks and looking at me and at Mrs. Over- know what to do, and then she ran out halt and some of them were crying because without saying anything to anybody or even looking at us, and it was like it is in the me because I wasn’t there. Richard Marcus schoolyard when you hear the freeze bell says that I didn’t come back for a whole and everyone freezes and it’s so quiet that week and everyone thought I was suspended you can hear the sound of the balls bounc- for hurting Mrs. Overhalt’s foot, only I don’t ing away because no one is allowed to catch really remember being suspended. them. Anyway it’s funny because I don’t even After that I don’t really remember any- know how I do the problems, I just close my thing because there were so many things, eyes and think about the numbers, I just see but Richard Marcus says that everyone had the numbers in my head and then I know to go to the auditorium and sit there except what the answers are, that’s my work. for me, except that I don’t remember where So if Mrs. Overhalt wants me to write I went instead, just that I could defi nitely that on the board, I’ll write it on board, I hear the ambulance. don’t care, I’ll do it, it’s not a big deal to me, The next day the whole class made a card only I don’t even know how to write it. for Mrs. Overhalt and everyone signed it but

— 21 — How to Start a Dialogue With a Complete Stranger JASON GURLEY

Situation Dos · Setting: A grocery store. You There are, as of the last time I (y) and the stranger (s) are in the produce section. looked in a history book, approximately six billion people on this planet. Six billion. y: What awful cabbages! I personally know about eighty-seven of s: — 22 — them fairly well. How many do you know? y: I’ve never seen such rotten-looking orbs. It doesn’t matter. What this means is that s: there will always be a greater number of y: Well, except for when I was in Florida and people you don’t know than people you do a drowned Cuban woman washed up on know when you consider the entire popula- a nude beach. Her head looked like that. tion of the world. Which means you are con- s: Oh my God. tinually obligated to spend time with people Situation Tres y whose names you don’t know, whose hair- · Setting: A jail cell. You ( ) s styles you can’t stand, and whose cars you’d and the stranger ( ) are locked up. like to “borrow.” y: What are you in for? You’ve got no choice – you have to talk to s: them. To help you get started, here are fi ve y: Me, I’m in here for gutting my neighbor. suggestions for sparking a conversation with s: someone you’ll likely never see again. y: She played her music way too loud. s: Suggestion No. 1: Rope ‘em in. y: I stapled her intestines to her forehead. Use the fairly shocking acts of your past – s: [retches] and perhaps present – to draw a stranger Note of warning: Sometimes this sugges- into a dialogue with you. tion doesn’t work.

Suggestion No. 2: Feign a disaster. Situation Uno · Setting: A bank. You (y) and the stranger (s) are standing in line. Most strangers are relatively kind people; they’re from the same world you are, after y: Sure is a long line. all. Therefore they’re willing to risk life and s: limb for your well-being. y: Does this thing ever move? s: Situation Uno · Setting: A major freeway. You y y: Longest line I ever been in was the Bataan ( ) have just pretended to be hit by a car. The s Death March. stranger ( ) has stopped and run to your aid. s: Are you serious? s: Are you okay? y: [groans] s: s: Sir, are you all right? My God! Y: y: Ohhh... s: s: That was terrible! Are you OK? Sir? y: Boy, do I feel like an old pervert. y: Yes. Yes, it was terrible, wasn’t it. s: [chokes] s: You’re alive! y: I’m Rufus. y: Of course I am. By the way, what do you s: I’m horny. think of the new Star Wars fi lm? Situation Tres · Setting: A bullfi ght. You Situation Dos · Setting: A family restaurant. (y) and the stranger (s) sit in silence with the You (y) are pretending to choke on a chunk of stunned crowd, staring at the gored body of the fi sh. The stranger (s) leaps up to perform the bullfi ghter. Heimlich maneuver. y : s: Hup! s: y: Ack! y: s: Hup! s: — 23 — y: Ack! y: Awww. How pulpy and cute. Look at his s: Hup! little eyeball, all by itself over there. Aww. y: Ptooie! s: [snorts] s: Whew. y: Franky. y: Hey, thanks. What do you think of the s: Johnny. You’re repulsive. fi sh? y: Thanks! You, too.

Suggestion No. 3: Say something Suggestion No. 4: Fumble your lines. inappropriate. Nothing is more endearing than somebody The entire world wants nothing more than who has trouble with their native language. to laugh, heartily and ferociously. It’s your Situation Uno job, as a fellow stranger, to give them a · Setting: A political rally. You y reason. ( ) are stepping up to the podium to speak to a crowd of strangers (s). Situation Uno · Setting: A baby shower. You y: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. (y) are on the couch, next to the stranger (s). s: Both of you are watching the mother-to-be model y: I would like to begin by saying... a kimono. s: y: y: ...wow hunderful you all took lonight. s: s: [roars] y: y: Heh. Oops. I’m from Texas. s: s: [applauds] y: Ever seen a Japanese whale come up for Situation Dos air? · Setting: A fast food drive-thru. y s s: [sputters] You ( ) are ordering a meal from the stranger ( ) y: Hi, I’m Elaine. on the other end of the speaker. s: Sonia. You’re funny. s: Good morning. Welcome to Greaseball Deluxe. What can I get for you today? Situation Dos · Setting: A teenage beauty y: Yes…just a minute. y s pageant. You ( ) and the stranger ( ) are sitting s: Whenever you’re ready, ma’am. in third row center. y: OK. I’d like a bamhurger with po nickles. Y: s: [howls] y: Uh, yeah. Make that a bamhurger with no pickles. Sorry. s: That’s a Spoonerism! y: Yes, I’m aware thof at.

Suggestion No. 5: Say hello and shake a hand. In the event that the other suggestions have failed miserably, consider the tried-and-true approach.

Situation Uno · Setting: A charity dinner. You (y) have just arrived and the stranger (s) is standing by the bar. y: Hi! How are you? I’m Jack. s: Hi. I’m Mike. y: OK, then. s: — 24 — y: s: y: s: Well. How to Take the Train PAUL FORD

The motions to allow a body onto without a briefcase, without a plan, drag- a crowded train are performed unwillingly – ging my belongings to the curb, no other people never want to squeeze in any more city or place in mind. A week at my parents, than they have. But you’re immediately for- then.... — 25 — given for encroaching once you’ve shoved Sometimes old lovers called me. I’d had your way past the doors. Shoulders press a total of six here, each associated with a dif- against backs, coats are squeezed and bags ferent subway stop. They called when they held between legs, and heads turn. Whole were looking for something in their pasts, bodies come into contact, a temporary, re- validation or an old phone number. spectful intimacy. The train rolled and shook into my work Over the last 5,400 rides, nine years of stop. A hundred people stepped onto the them, I learned to enjoy this human press, platform, jostling to ascend the stairs, bound to look at as many faces as I could. Even the along crooked lines for their 100 destinations. wide variance of human smell became good I gained too many preferences over my to me, the pheremonal funk, especially on 5,400 rides, too many favorite bars and res- the way home at the end of the day. The taurants. I’d lost my ability to inject the inner beasts, dressed up in cosmetics and streets with fresh meaning; I was following haircuts, crept out through our sweat. my own footprints, living in loops of subway That last morning I had a book in my bag, rail, always leading back to my front door. but I watched the brown-black of the tunnel The turnstile gave its click as I pushed as underground lights, mostly blocked by through; I headed up the stairs into morning the shoulders of straphangers, fl ew by, out- light. I’d been horrifi ed it would all be too side the window, recording the experience big for me when I fi rst arrived, that the for some other time and place. A woman to buildings would be too tall and the women my right talked to someone I couldn’t see. too demanding. But I found the rhythm, “I’m a child of Jesus,” she said. “I’m going.” living in a place too small, working long I was going, too. There was little to do hours, helping family members fi nd their before I went – clean out my email, throw way when they visited. I could recognize some paper in the recycling bin, talk to those myself in the kids coming in for interviews who came by the desk, go out for a few to take my place, their mouths testaments drinks and listen to people make fun of me. to orthodontia, all gleaming potential. I was There was a cutting tone in my coworker’s happy for them, that they could fi nd these voices, a loss of familiarity. I was leaving things out for themselves, happy to see the tribe, the small fi rm which performed someone else fall in love with the place, and a specifi c kind of work for larger tribes. I jealous, as behind me a wave of nostalgia was leaving the tribe of tribes, the city itself, and regret washed up through the tunnel. How to Make a Baby DENNIS A. MAHONEY

½ cup all-purpose fl our You’re catching on. 6 tablespoons olive oil Get a sack of all-purpose fl our and a ½ pound mushrooms, halved bottle of olive oil. Oregano will add a bit 1 green bell pepper, diced of spice. You’ll also need a splash of dry — 26 — ½ onion, chopped Marsala. (If your supermarket doesn’t carry 2 garlic cloves, chopped Marsala, try the local liquor store. While ½ teaspoon dried oregano you’re there, buy a bottle of Merlot.) Find ½ cup purchased marinara sauce a can of chicken broth and a small jar of ⅓ cup canned low-salt chicken broth marinara sauce. If you happen to pass the ¼ cup dry Marsala diaper aisle, keep going. There’s no need to 1 tablespoon drained capers worry about that now. 1 pound chicken You’ll need one pound of boneless chicken breasts. The breasts are fundamen- Relax. You aren’t the fi rst person tal to this whole operation, so choose to try this. The process is simple and surpris- carefully. Double-check the sell-by date to ingly straightforward. As my grandmother ensure that the meat is fresh. Anything past used to say, “If you can read a set of instruc- expiration isn’t only distasteful – it’s danger- tions, you have nothing to worry about.” ous. Fatal disease is often communicable. Getting started is the hardest part. Grab Proceed to checkout. While you’re wait- a cart and head straight for the produce ing in line, scan the magazines. Note the aisle. There, you’ll fi nd a number of essen- Hollywood romances: marriage in the man- tial items on your list. Select a good, round sion, scandal and divorce. This is not an ac- onion. Bounce it in your palm until you hear curate refl ection of the world. Media dis- a nice smack. Bag it. You’re on your way. torts relationships, infl ating subtlety until it When it comes to choosing mushrooms, isn’t subtle anymore. Your situation will be the cleaner the better. If there’s no visible different. rot, you’re probably fi ne. The same can be Have you joined the supermarket dis- said of peppers – your pepper shouldn’t be count club? Do it now. Every dollar’s going puckered. It ought to be fi rm, healthy, and to count from here on out. Make a fi nal bright, with no discoloration. Next, pick up survey of the impulse items at the counter a garlic bulb. You’ll only need two cloves so that you won’t be buying anymore. Say, don’t bother with elephant garlic; size isn’t “Have a nice night.” Return home and fi nd an issue. Capers are generally stored with some comfortable clothes. The next couple other pickled products. You might even fi nd of hours are going to be messy. Dress accord- them in the produce aisle. A caper is defi ned ingly. as “a playful hop” or “frivolous escapade.” It won’t be perfect. You’d better get that out of your head. Even the masters make kneaded dough, rising in the bowl. mistakes. In a pinch, you can always call They’ll loan you a garlic press. Thank your mother for advice. Rest assured, she’s them. Say, “You’re literally a life saver.” done this before. Return to the kitchen, press the garlic, add Wash the chicken in the sink. Season with half a teaspoon of oregano to the vegetables, salt and pepper and put the pieces in a plas- and sauté the whole lot until the onion is tic bag with a half-cup of fl our. Toss the tender – about 10 minutes. breasts until they’re coated. Heat three table- Use your time for additional preparations. spoons of olive oil in a large skillet over Clear the bed and change the sheets. medium-high heat. Add the chicken to the Straighten the pillows and put the dirty laun- skillet and sauté until brown, about four dry in the hamper. Close the blinds. You minutes per side. Use a pair of tongs to want to create a cozy atmosphere, neither move the chicken onto a plate. Pour away dark nor glaring, bright enough to read, yet the fat and add another three tablespoons of dark enough to nap. The room ought to olive oil to the skillet. Halve the mushrooms, be “half-awake.” Up the thermostat a few dice the pepper, and chop the onion. degrees until you’re comfortable enough to — 27 — When you come to the garlic, it may go without socks. Too warm is better than begin to dawn on you that you are unpre- too cold. Environment is key. pared. With the hour at hand, reality will Stir the marinara sauce, chicken broth, start creeping in. This is actually happening. Marsala, and capers into the vegetables. You won’t know how to proceed. Return the chicken to the skillet, spooning Ask the neighbors, the couple right next the sauce over the meat. Bring the sauce to door with the (three!) amazing kids, her a boil and reduce the heat to medium-low. without the saggy mood or baggage under Cover the skillet and simmer until the the eyes, always optimistic after a full day at chicken is tender. You’ve got about 20 min- the offi ce, her derrière as plump as a Christ- utes. mas goose, and him with that physique, that Go to the bathroom and fi ll the tub. Run spring in his step and zeal and zest for wife the faucet over an open drain for 60 seconds and family, no dismay, no receding hairline… to fl ush impurities. The water must be clean. them. Their faces always lit like those who Burn some candles, preferably scented, once have it fi gured out, with no regret at having again aiming for a happy medium of light. signed their lives away to three volcanically Excessive light can startle or expose. The needy kids. They would know. This couple candles will remind you of nights you spent who rattles vases off the mantelpiece when- alone, certain you would never be loved. ever they’re in bed, rabbiting on and on as Add one cup of Epsom Salt. Test the water if a thousand children were the goal and with your fi nger. You want it to be hot, but it could only be achieved through infi nite not scalding. If the temperature is slightly varieties of fascinating, action-packed, enthu- high, that’s OK. The water will cool as you siastic lovemaking – they’d have to know the continue with your preparations. answer to such a simple question. How to You’ve come to the most important step. chop garlic. Write a note that says, “You matter more Knock on the door. They’ll answer to- than anyone. I love you.” Any truthful varia- gether (her in a shirt, probably his), knuck- tion on the theme will do. Write the words les white, eyes bright. You’ve caught them in permanent ink. Fold it once. Put the note making babies again. “Hi,” they’ll say to- in a safe place. gether, out of breath, the smell of baby Take a breath. You’re almost done. Look batter fuming off their bodies. They are at the home you’re planning to share with your baby. Is rearrangement something as you’re alive. Death will be irrelevant to worth considering? Assess the “fl ow” of the anyone involved. Once you make a baby, rooms. Do all paths lead to television? Is the there’s no unmaking it. Forever, this baby dinner table prominent, or do you eat your will have existed, if only by intention. meals on the countertop like a deli patron? Recognize that you will never be pre- This will be the nexus of the baby’s world. pared. Waking up with no responsibility is Are electrical outlets, bottles of aspirin, and often hard to do. Waking up responsible for canisters of rat poison covered or protected? life is even harder. Maybe what you need Is there a fi re extinguisher handy? is not to need. Maybe it’s not about you And what about you? Do you know ad- anymore. vanced arithmetic? European history, the def- It’s about time – check the skillet. Using inition of a split infi nitive? What about your tongs, move the chicken to a large platter. habits? Your life will become an example Boil the sauce until it’s slightly thick, about once you’ve done this thing. You’ll hold three minutes. Skim whatever fat has risen a permanent spotlight. Chewing fi ngernails to the top. Spoon the sauce onto the chicken. will be recorded and reviewed. Choice of Pour the wine. Grab a pack of matches. — 28 — breakfast, of obscenity and turns of phrase, Don’t forget to turn off the stove. of favorite politicians and musicians, all of When your spouse and/or lover arrives, these will be remembered. How you treat serve the Chicken Cacciatore on a candlelit your fellow human beings, why you laugh, table, play Marvin Gaye over the stereo, and how you hug, when you holler, who you present the note. Improvise. Truth is, all of tolerate, the reasons that you fail – all of this this was just to get your courage up. Focus will be observed, even imitated. on your partner now. If you haven’t got a Don’t panic. There are those whose only partner, consider it a practice run. preparation is the heating of a spoon. Other No one knows the secret in the end, not people make babies entirely by accident. Re- even parents. It’s different every time. Feel sults are often undesirable. You’ve done a your way and hope for the best. Enjoy your- good thing in handling this with sensitivity. self. If all else fails, try again. Vary the steps. Be proud. You’ve put a lot of love in this. Find what works. There’s no need to throw You’ve started a process that will last as long the baby out with the bath water. How to Skin a Cat G AIL ARMSTRONG

Dear Mom… Every day dread dragging two sleeping chil- dren from their beds, gentle breathing before That’s as far as you ever get. Thoughts veer sunrise, half-open eyes and tousled heads still toward you like a swarm of bees then scat- stuck in a dream. And down to the neigh- — 29 — ter shattered like a storefront window. Swat, bour’s, rushed whispered gratitude as I watch fl ee, toe the shards or.... the mosaic is be- them stumbling drunk with fatigue, collaps- coming unruly. Words abdicate like never ing onto her couch, cinnamon toast forgotten before. You’re tired of what they say and, be- between their fi ngers. sides, you’ve had to start thinking in French again – a fancy excuse for can’t cut through You love the aimlessness of the walks, the this muddle on a dare, not even in your only time that thoughts arrive almost linear. native tongue. For once not clinging to all others, fi st-tight ball of string you don’t know where to Dear Mom, begin. They unravel in sequence more So most of the days begin at six now and like afterthoughts as you allow yourself to don’t end until two the next morning. Ten be distracted by small details along your hours of teaching in all parts of the city path – this window, that corbel, gargoyles and ungainly suburbs, then home to freelance and inner courtyards, doors so ornate they work. outdo your own barricades. So you walk. Apart from the core, single- And still you’re reluctant to leave, not now digit arrondissements, the city is still mostly that you’ve begun to fall in love again with fragments in your mind so you move further this cranky old broad, diva whore. With and further afi eld. There’s only one neigh- the sight of her core refl ected in slow walk- bourhood that you’ll continue to avoid, the ing along the riverbank, night falling around queasy memories it contains. you soft as soot. Down from Bastille then through the There’s no longer much time but when Marais to pompous-human scale galleries, you do get the chance, few pleasures com- always images of noblesse oblige swish pare to heading into the labyrinth for as long idling through here – they’d nothing else as shirking duty will allow. Later you’ll take to do – and along toward Opéra, La Mad- the metro back home through the belly of eleine. But it’s swank, not your style, and the city and that evening, when it’s quiet, reminds you that you’re poor... so backtrack trace your fi nger along the day’s path, fi tting and cross the river. it like a piece into your gradual mental map. And I’m ever so grown up with the cooking, a constant reminder that you’re so far from cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework, fi eld home. (And you’re beginning to strongly trips, picnics, birthday parties, please sit up suspect that a number of these saints – straight, costumes for the school play, monop- e.g., Saint Jerome of raisin buns – may oly (oh, crap), soothe and banish nightmares, never have existed.) The metro’s well famil- croquet, what do we say, get your elbows iar now, its hospital smell, parade of pan- off the table, badminton, bake sale, tidy your handlers and music travelling through geo- room... metric thronged passageways, all lingering inside you long after treading above ground. Sometimes between classes you have time to move in and out of bookshops in the Twister and popcorn and food fi ghts, try to Latin quarter, in and out of those half-lit wean my daughter off Melrose Place because places that you longed years to loiter in (you my six-year-old son keeps doing hip gyrations hadn’t planned on it being a covert thrill), and moaning, baby, baby take me now, bad slow running your hand along their dark riddles, nostalgia of soft tales at bedtime.... wooden shelves, giddy with the dust of an- — 30 — cient books all unclassifi ed, stacked and scat- One day coming home at dusk, you veer off tered. You revel in the feel of that grain, the the main road and into a cobblestone street. sensual tug of all that you still don’t know – There are horse-drawn carriages, gas street a sudden reminder that you’re still here, and lamps being lit; the men are dressed in top there are so many things you love. hats and tails and the women’s sway rustles And you’re relieved and surprised that so with crinoline. It’s 30 seconds of sheer panic little reminds you of him and your time here and giddy expectation until you’re handed a together; the long phone calls and threats fl yer promoting the local Belle Epoque festivi- every night now are enough, drunken pleas ties. You’re oddly disappointed that it wasn’t and bogus suicide attempts from your sev- a time warp after all, but still.... You lay enth-fl oor balcony when he comes unan- awake last night counting the number of nounced. That’s enough. times that you’ve moved.

Yahtzee, mow the lawn, fl eas and ticks off the With my students shoulder the blame for every cats, poo off the toilet seat, sit up straight, horror Anglo-Saxon culture has ever perpe- bloody noses, draw the symbol for infi nity on trated, sit up straight, cuddles and kisses and her chest, explaining again why mommy and all out wrestling – pure joy, my lord – Old daddy are no longer together, that it is for the Maid, Black Jack, accept that I’m the villain, best, I promise, don’t forget the money from War (oh, you wouldn’t believe how boring the tooth fairy, get caught red-handed: ‘you that is now), elbows off the say please.... lied to me mom.’ One day you’ve got a class in that neigh- Rodin’s garden in springtime and Clau- bourhood. All the way over in the metro del’s prim madness, grim jumbled expanse you remember how you’d run away from of too-talked-about cemeteries and the for- so much. Unbridled pyromaniac to the few bidden lawns of manicured Luxembourg, bridges you had left and then nothing more fi eld of that war god and the world’s most imaginative than to latch onto a stranger depressing zoo. Still gawk like a tourist and feign love. at the sight of the Orangerie, Orsay, Petit On the way to the class you walk by the Palais, Grévin.... But mostly places and tight doctor’s offi ce, the one where you went to little streets whose names you don’t know, get the abortion, and instead of referring you to a colleague who would perform the it climbs the stairs, and help it on its way grisly deed, he gave you an ultrasound. back down.

Pictionary, Battleship, battle with the urge to Hide the Easter eggs (Spanish Inquisition by beg forgiveness for all this damage, Checkers, children who strongly suspect that this, too, tickles and giggling like them at all things is a hoax), to the doctor now because they’re scatological, listen to other mothers tell me getting sick from the too-long days, explain that I must take time out to do more crafts why I don’t want them to be Catholic even if with the children, wrench the dead hamster their best friend is. (Don’t you love baby Jesus, out of the cat’s mouth so here comes death mommy?) again.... Sometimes you enter the vaulted silence, And you lay there with the cold jelly on the oppressive cool of ancient cathedrals your still fl at stomach staring at that white and just sit. Remnants of incense and bean on the black screen, fl ickering, new trashed vows scrape your throat. You’re life in your belly – a stranger all your own still so impressed by history. Thoughts of — 31 — surrounded by mathematical symbols. You home are a muck of the past, wilderness, stared at that bean and suddenly ambushed skies raked by a phallic gleam and suburban by your entire life’s loneliness, by harsh brown boxes mauling the view. words that nobody else remembers. You lay So you buy a postcard of Paris at night, there in the cold bright slickness of this and for some reason remember that woman stranger’s offi ce in a foreign land, and you you see on the quay every evening as you’re wept. going home from work, playing the same You felt it coming, rising through your Vivaldi on her cello. Always. The ferocity of body a goddamn monsoon, zone sinistrée, your love still fl oors you. You have no way taste of salt in your eyes, tin in your mouth of knowing that this job offer down south and the fl oodgates burst. You don’t remem- is bogus, and that it will be another slap of ber what the doctor had said, only his indif- a lesson. You have no way of knowing that ference. But it didn’t matter, god, not even after you’ve scrambled your way through all remotely but you’re peeved that such an ass this, and then some, that you will (I promise) had been instrumental. fi nd your way to home. You don’t think it through, chicken out, only ache and pick at old wounds as you Dear Mom, imagine that you’ll hold this baby’s hand as I’m fi ne. How are you? How to Be Igor T OBIAS SEAMON

“It was with these feelings that I began the but this ensures you don’t dawdle on the job. creation of a human being.” It takes some bottle to do the thing right, —Mary Shelley, Frankenstein quickly but never rushed. Do not scavenge. You are not a jackdaw, — 32 — 1. How to Despoil Graves you are a servant. If a left foot is required, Always wave as you pass through town head- get the left foot and don’t muck with ears, ing toward the cemetery. Despite the bloat even if they are especially dainty. of sausages and pale beer, a bloat rapidly Pennies on the lids are yours to take or diminishing due to the twin troubles of not. plague and starvation, the villagers are not If a-feared of being caught out, count on idiots. They are well aware you are in ser- the villagers’ superstition. They will not be vice to Herr Doktor, and mistrust your lurk- berry-picking among drizzly graves at mid- ing motives. They know Herr Doktor has night. Remember, you are armed with a unusual ideas, and he does, because Herr pick, shovel, and burlap sacks. Braining un- Doktor is insane. He’s also a miser, and, as is wanted witnesses is an option. often the case with cheap lunatics, he suffers If someone looms suddenly from the fog from constipation, chilblains, and doldrums. and shadows, it’s usually just a stone angel. Commiserate, then, with the villagers. However, should you spy a gypsy or Jew, Shake your head at the strange doings in the leave immediately. Dark works will be afoot castle. Grumble, piss and moan; squint at in the graveyard that night. the clouds and pestilence and hopelessness. Should anyone stare too long at the hump, 2. How to Exist Peacefully with the stretch and rub it, saying, “Oh my aching Neighbors back.” Keep in mind that later, in the rank, As I said, smiling helps. Stunned with river mists, you’ll be stealing body parts hunger and grief, the villagers do not care from the graves of their loved ones. Due to to notice much of anything anymore. Still, the epidemic, it will be exceptionally easy they dislike Herr Doktor, as he refuses, de- to play the ghoul. It’s the very reason your spite his vast medicinal knowledge, to assist master moved his elaboratory to the castle: against the epidemic. “To intercede in such the abundant material. The young go as fast matters,” he once proclaimed while dissect- as the old. The digging is recent, the earth ing a throttled tabby cat, “is to interfere with newly turned, and the parts high-quality. Nature’s reductive mechanisms, and thus Granted, the smell isn’t rosy, and the work invite calamity.” can be tough on your hump – a lumpen The villagers’ glum aspect matches the mass of gristle, muscle, bone and sinew – region. Bound on one side by the river and its pestilential fens and on the other by dense manse are locked shut, their treasures forgot- coniferous thickets stretching far into the ten or unavailable. You will need your ubiq- lands of Poles, Lithuanians, and assorted uitous pick to hack holes in the doors to heathen, the town and castle are remote. We know what’s inside. By peeking through the are not entirely cut off, however, and receive splinters and dust, you can keep track of the news from our upstream neighbor, another good china and extra sheets, as well as the doctor, who’s well-famed for the successful ongoing physical alterations performed by sale of his soul to the Devil. From Dr. Faust the master on Lady Elizabeth, though that we hear of revolutions tearing asunder the room rarely, if ever, has been locked. whole world except America (which I do not believe exists). We also hear explosions 4. How Not to Lust Overmuch for Lady from his keep as he continues his grim ex- Elizabeth periments despite the obvious outcome of Remember: She is all too similar to yourself any endeavor: doom and blackened damna- and the master, desiring transformation tion. On some nights, both doctors are at above all. As Herr Doktor would become a it and the cliffside shudders from the sparks, God, and yourself human, so she would be — 33 — cackling, and curses inherent to great experi- made creaseless and ceaseless forever, living mentation. eternally as she and the Doktor once were, After such nights, do not go to town. in a walled garden as youths, promised to each other and fucking bloodily. 3. How to Do the Morning Chores In short, become sickened. Besides graveside dismemberments, your most important duty is the fl ying of kites. 5. How to View the Creature Herr Doktor learned of the benefi ts of elec- Laid on an immense table, the Creature tricity and kites through the experiments of awaits animation at a tilt approaching 40 an American lotus-eater, and it is with this degrees. The entire elaboratory is suffused idea that he intends to animate what has with the stinging reek of nightcrawlers, never been animated. So, each morning you steam, formaldehyde, and cloves. You will must climb stair after stair, then scuttle like need to saw grooves in the pitted wood so a humped bug up a slick rope in the bell- that excess fl uids can drain into the trough tower to emerge onto the wind-blasted bat- below. Strings from the kites are attached tlements. Once there, run in circles like a and tied to every conceivable appendage of dunce in love until all the kites are fl ying. the Creature. Skeleton keys glint and tingle on the lines, Similar to you, he seems like a marionette which reach far down into the elaboratory in the master’s hands, awaiting perfection. and are attached to the Creature. You view the Creature with scorn, nausea, This is the best part of your day. The kites familiarity, terror, intimacy, and envy. You are fashioned from the negligees and French hate the attention the Creature receives chemises of Lady Elizabeth, the only other from Herr Doktor, while the long promised resident of the castle besides the Doktor, the elimination of the hump, and the cause of Creature, and yourself. On any given day, your servitude, are delayed. Then, you hate there are 20–30 kites in the air, waiting for your own hatred. lightning to strike, the gauzy scarlets and Leaning closer to the Creature, you are fawn silks fl uttering above the river mists. intimate with every aspect, follicle, organ, Live for this. Linger if you must. limb, and sinew. You have known the parts Because the keys have all been used to before the sum; you have known them from this purpose, most of the rooms in the the darkness and the grave and the dust. More, you have known them from before In the salon, loosen tourniquets, bring the Pale, from the town, the tavern, the washcloths and linens, and ignore Faust’s market, and the marsh. You have known the babbling and periodic sobbing. He’s often once-living sum, but you converse with the stricken with desperate fears concerning his parts. immortal soul. He pleads with the master “Good morning, Mueller’s palm. Despite to help him, to somehow save him. Open a the rain, haying went well. But the prices, window so that the master can breathe the what can a man do? We should bang on damp, November air. When the talk turns some doors. I’m sorry little Wilhelmina’s to revolution, listen carefully as it may affect lips, I didn’t bring any licorice. Your little you. If a republican uprising has driven the doggy Nicholas misses you. Soon maybe Pope from Rome, the situation is probably you can kiss and nuzzle him again. Ah, Meis- serious. It is certainly serious when the wind ter Stroehm’s prick, still tied to a string I see. picks up, when rumbles from the northern The missus will ever keep you a cuckold.” skies can be heard, when the fog in the mas- Should the Doktor catch you at this while ter’s eye begins to clear, when he believes pouring brandy down the Creature’s hand- the signs are imminent and blue fl ashes rack — 34 — selected gullet, do not worry. He fi rmly be- the swaying forest beyond. lieves spirits of preservation, in any form, When the two lunatics make a bargain, can only assist our progress. one hoping to deceive the Devil and the other offering to conduct the surgical decep- 6. How to Get Through an Evening of tion, prepare for the storm. Revelry at the Castle Get as quietly and insidiously drunk as every- 7. How to Stay Out of Atrocity’s Way one else is loudly and obviously inebriated. Keep busy. Shed the drenched butler’s suit Being neighbors, aristocrats, artists, fi ends, and keep climbing. Slither and snatch at miscreants, and geniuses, it is fi tting the chimneys, gutters and the swirling wind master and Dr. Faust should occasionally itself as you set the kites aloft. Cling to every come together to dine, boast, moan, and crack in the slate. Don’t look up or the rain eye each other’s women. Their conversation will pelt your eyes. Don’t look down. parades drunkenly in and out of metaphys- Become philosophical. Once the kites are ics, politics, and the low-slung gowns while up, keys jangling invisibly in the violent you wait at table in an ancient, rat-chewed night, shelter inside the belltower. There, butler’s uniform. Toss back spirits every time shiver, clutch, feel sorry for yourself, and you go in the kitchen. Tureen in hand, ponder the matter. Will the storm knock reel smoothly around the table even as the the silks from the skies before the lightning master reveals to all the latest, tiny breasts he strikes? Will the whole castle burn to has designed for Lady Elizabeth. Do not ogle the ground? How much money can be and compliment along with Faust’s com- scrounged in less than an hour? What is the panion, a Macedonian slut named Helena quickest, most secretive way out of town? whose immodest shriek is like a bird pecking broken glass. Do not become dizzy from the 8. When to Stop being Philosophical mingled scents of gravy, rosewater, and hair Philosophy is rational and does not encom- pomade. Keep the courses coming, glasses pass all that is real; order is obliviated by fi lled, and soon enough the company will pain and abomination. With this limit upon repair to the salon for brandy, cigars, and in- you, when is philosophy impossible? jections. Afterward, do not clean any plates. When all thoughts coalesce into a single, Break them all, in a sink. Sweeping is a bore. decisive need: to get the hell out. When, above the thunders of creation, chose the rest of you myself. I hope I chose you hear the screams and bone saws below. well. There is a dog named Nicholas who When you realize soul-frightened men will nuzzle you. Goodbye, Meister Creature, will plunge to depths lower than Hell itself. goodbye.” When you know the fi nal piece of the Then, before the lightning strikes, close Creature is a madman’s brain already con- your eyes and begin swinging from the rope demned as the Devil’s property. in the belltower. Use the hump in your back as the clapper. Deafen yourself with bells. 9. How to Become a Human Being You will go to Paris, the City of Light, and First, say goodbye to the old Creature, the fl y negligee kites. You will not scavenge, but parts plucked from the darkness for their choose carefully what parts you want for perfection. Wish the tainted, new Creature yourself. Whatever the sum, or the Devil well. take you, so be it. You will change your “Goodbye, Meister Creature. Good luck. name, ring bells, chase skirts. You will learn I am sorry you might be damned. It isn’t the ropes. your fault. Everything is different now, but I — 35 — How to Yearn JON ARMSTRONG

It is the third time in the marriage. see your friend, huddled over his small com- The third time that notion of the party puter, grinning as he reads another email being over has appeared, specter-like, hov- from his soon to be. ering over the empty beverage vessels and The next day, you walk through the Art — 36 — small bits of detritus that swirl as you Institute, swept into a complete reverie by pass through the empty rooms. This time Chagall. She has gone on ahead silently as if it’s also featuring a hangover and shakes to punctuate the pain; you linger and soak brought on by hunger. it up. When you fi nally run into her in the The fi rst two times, the intensity and pain miniatures room, she is oblivious to your weren’t as severe. The notion of actually ut- turmoil. tering the word “divorce” surfaces and sub- When you are on the plane back home sides. You don’t talk about it this time with enjoying the minor happiness of an exit-row the spouse. You do talk about it with one of window seat, ten minutes into the fl ight, your siblings. He has been through a divorce. you notice the plane has not gained altitude. He gives typically obtuse advice. You don’t It is circling. You estimate that you’re at know if he’s pro or con. You don’t feel any 10,000 feet. If something goes wrong, you better. will die. The captain says, “Well, the fi re ap- Your spouse does some training out of pears to be out.” town for eight weeks. She comes back on Everyone on the plane is dumbstruck. alternating weekends. At fi rst, you miss her. You instantly feel the cabin temperature rise. Then you realize that you like the space. There are a few more nervous announce- Not in a temporary way. You want a life ments. Your plane is landing back at O’Hare. without her. This notion is devastating. The The old guy in the row immediately in consequences of acting and moving forward front of you begins to give a play-by-play of overwhelm you. This is when it starts; seed- the landing sequence. You are laughing that ling desire embedding in aortal bends. your imminent death might be commented You travel to Chicago during this time upon in this way. to see your spouse and stay with a friend. The plane lands and stops on the runway You watch the friend in the throes of a rela- without taxiing. You see suited-up fi refi ght- tionship startup. He checks email constantly. ers in an suv slowly driving around the He laughs out loud at the computer. His plane. You think that it will be horrifying urgency is thrilling to watch. You are jealous. for them to watch the plane explode, the Especially when your spouse is asleep next expression on your face the last thing they to you, and you realize that you have given see before the fi reball. up everything and are getting nothing. You Everything seems to be fi ne. The plane re- turns to the gate where angry yuppies hold- make this move. You cry when you open ing fl ight schedules argue about reimburse- the sheets for the futon: from guilt that you ments and connecting fl ights. are happy to be alone and that it’s clear she You realize you have no way to contact still cares enough to make sure you have a her about this incident. Then you realize pillowcase. that given the state of things, she doesn’t In the four months that follow, you real- need to know right away. You see incongrui- ize that it really is over unless you do some- ties in your emotional state. You are terri- thing. You are apart from her, and it feels fi ed and yet not wanting to share the terror good. You are going out with friends. You and its confl icts with her. When you fi nally look at other women wondering if life with do share, two days later in an email, her them would be the same. You struggle with response is understated. She says, “Did the the new city and take a job. You sleep on the airline give you anything?” fl oor of your friend’s place. You realize you You realize that this is a crock-pot soul don’t want her to come back without major stew, slow cooked at reduced temperature changes. You don’t know how to make those for years. You have added the discontent, the changes with her. You know what you need, — 37 — want, the pain, the desolation, and the rest- but have severe doubts about the course of lessness. You keep the temperature low. You action; it will devastate her. She will get a will stir this pot again in twelve months. loan from her father to join you. It will be awkward. You will lose your job the day * * * after she arrives. She will throw herself at the startup job You have sublet a studio masquerading as she fi nds two days after arriving. You will a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco. see her very little. You will not miss her You have wanted to live here since you were and then feel excruciating guilt for harbor- eighteen years old. She is staying behind, ing such feelings. You will let yourself stew working to keep the money coming in. You for three more years. have saved some money from freelancing to How to Organize Your Record Collection ANDREW WOMACK

“I love order. It’s my dream. A world where all Classical music should fi rst be alphabet- would be silent and still and each thing in its ized by composer name (again, last name last place, under the last dust.” fi rst), then organized by composition type —Samuel Beckett (e.g., concertos, nocturnes), then by compo- — 38 — sition date, and fi nally alphabetized by per- 1. Artist-Chronologically former name (last name fi rst). Pros: Easy to apply. Almost ubiquitous in A popular method, preferred by many organizers. its use. Method: First, alphabetize by artist name, Cons: There are a variety of infl uences dropping any initial “The” in band names. and infl uencers that intervene an artist’s Individual artists must be alphabetized last “Work A” and “Work B.” For instance, a name fi rst, except in instances where indi- newly found preoccupation with “world viduals’ names are part of the band name music” between the two works on the art- (e.g., The Steve Miller Band); in such cases ist’s part may elicit profound differences in the artist name must be considered inextri- style between works “A” and “B.” But this cable from the band name and should thus method demands that the two works are follow the band rules above. Soundtracks placed side by side when, in fact, the artist should be alphabetized by fi lm or show title, may argue that betwixt the two is a third again dropping any initial “The.” Compila- work, the work that most infl uenced the evo- tions that include multiple artists should be lution of the artist between the fi rst and alphabetized by the title of the compilation. second works. A work, most probably, by a Next, place works in order of their origi- different artist. nal release. A record guide can aid in deter- This may somewhat undermine the effec- mining exact release order. There are also tiveness of this method. many online resources that will prove useful in this regard. Compilations especially rel- 2. Pure-Chronologically evant to an artist’s career – that is, those that bookend sections of the career or are An experimental method, diffi cult but inspiring. intentionally released to show the end of Method: Order all records by release date, an era – should sit in chronological order regardless of all other factors. with the rest of the albums. Compilations Pros: Interesting upshots of the method less focused in their intent or less clear in involve a heightened sense of genre-building their career importance should be placed – and history-of-music. in order of release – at the end of that art- Cons: Requires extraordinary patience ist’s section. and intense research. A diffi cult learning curve, but not an impossible one. Same-day Incomprehensibly satisfying for the profes- time-zone issues will come into play, but sional organizer. should be easily resolved in consideration of Cons: An expert-level methodology. Dif- geographic constraints. fi cult to fi nd a desired album if each song is not known inside and out. Works well with 3. Categorically compilations that are designed to convey a singular quality, poorly with albums that in- A widely accepted, genre-based method that is tentionally display a wide latitude of styles. primarily favored by record stores and mail-order catalogs. 5. Hedonistically Method: Choose broad areas (e.g., world music, pop/rock, classical) by which all col- A method that draws upon personal, explicit lected music can be collated. From this experiences. point, follow the “Artist-Chronologically” Method: The sex albums, the drug records – method, above. they sit on top. Any alignment is acceptable Pros: Choices for listening material can (vertical, horizontal, etc.), as long as the — 39 — be made based on any particular style the organizer – through whatever sexed-out, organizer wishes to listen to at any given drugged-up ability the organizer may intuit – time. is able to recall a vague method of place- Cons: Causes foreseen confl icts: e.g., the ment. Inhibition must be avoided at all genre “fusion,” by its very name, implies costs; rely entirely on the id of organization/ that two genres are intentionally being disorganization. crossed. In such a case, the record cannot Pros: Always a party, all the time. Perfect comfortably fi t into one area when it for guests who enjoy getting drunk/doing is trying so desperately to be placed drugs/having sex with the host. And, for in another. Possible remedies include ex- the organizer – personally satisfying during panding the number of genres to encom- such times. pass more types: “‘70s-Prog”/“Neo-Prog;” Cons: The next morning, confusion will “New Wave”/“New Romantics;” “Punk”/ play a more inhibitive role than anticipated. “Post-Punk,” etc. This all could, however, The dubious sorting of records will assur- become confusing (in, perhaps, a rather en- edly cause an immediate reversal to any of lightening way) for the sub-30,000-record- the other offered methods, perhaps out of owning organizer. guilt alone.

4. Qualitatively 6. Passively

A method that applies genres in a more A method that supposes an innate understanding discerning way. of order within the organizer. Method: Choose personally defi ned genres Method: A perfect antidote to the “Hedonis- to fi nd styles that transcend the accepted tically” method (see: above), this construct categories of music. Suggested: “Music with relies above all on the organizer’s abilities handclaps,” “Music with pronounced bass to remember placement of recordings in riffs,” “Music with distorted pianos.” Orga- the least expected places (see also: “Conve- nize further using any of the other posited niently,” below). methods. First, play an album. When a new record Pros: Allows a deep understanding of the is desired, remove the prior record and place music collection from a microscopic level. wherever seems appropriate (on the couch, on the nightstand) and rely upon the powers lowing albums. This method should only be of memory to fi nd these records again. undertaken by the most discerning of listen- Pros: An object-theory philosophy may ers, or for those who own a limited number be derived from this method. For example: of albums (below twenty is recommended). “I always fall asleep to this album.” Thus, Pros: A continuous, always acceptable it may be near the stereo, having been re- mix will be the result for the organizer who moved the next evening when playing the opts for this method. fi rst record after coming home from work. Cons: User error in sorting and unavoid- Or: “I always cook to this record.” It may able introduction of new works make har- have fallen behind the stereo, slipping away monizing a considerable burden. Frequent from the organizer’s greasy fi ngers. music purchasers will fi nd this method tire- An interesting personal history may also some, and should consider curbing their pur- fall out of this method. Leaving albums chasing habits. around the house in surprising locales may later prove to be a diary of habits. 9. Socratically Cons: Understandably, many recordings — 40 — will be lost, never to be found again. A method that asks a series of questions to derive an order. 7. Conveniently Method: The organizer asks questions, and then answers them. To illustrate: Why are A method that ensures the records receiving the records organized? To know where they can most airtime are within reach. be found when later needed. When will Method: Sleeves and jewel cases should be they later be needed? Whenever listening to discarded to allow fewer steps between the them is a requirement. Are all albums needed decision to listen to music and the act of lis- for later listening? Some, not all. What deter- tening to it. Sort records in stacks such that mines this need? Personal taste, a particular those most often listened to are on top and mood. What dictates these moods? Happen- those never listened to are on the bottom. stance. When does this occur? Constantly. Do The resulting columns of records should sur- these moods change? Regularly. round your stereo, allowing enough room Pros: Believing that an order was picked for accessing the equipment itself. by passing a battery of rigorous questioning. Pros: The use of stacks will allow more Cons: Will most likely result in the adop- convenient pre-play access and less trouble- tion of any of the other offered methods of some post-play storing. organization. Cons: Some recording formats will be less conducive to being stacked without pro- 10. Demonstratively tection. Though LPs are more damageable through stacking, they will form sturdier A method from which guests will both derive columns. Conversely, CDs will withstand a pleasure and learn. greater degree of wear, but will form less Method: First separate recordings from architecturally sound columns. their sleeves/jewel cases. Then apply dual modes of organization: (1) Sort recordings 8. Harmoniously in any method that makes fi nding desired albums most pleasing; (2) sort sleeves/jewel A method that allows constant play of the cases in the method that the organizer most collection. loves explaining to guests. Method: Final songs of albums must blend Pros: An interesting duality, a project seamlessly with opening numbers of the fol- with which the organizer may never tire. Good for those comfortable with oratory. Pros: Other organizers will look to the or- Cons: Over-explanation of the underly- ganizer choosing this method as being as hip ing intent may prove embarrassing and pos- and up-to-the-minute as possible. Measur- sibly convey a sense of arrogance. able personal satisfaction will come to the organizer from knowing that there is noth- 11. Fashionably ing in the collection that could be viewed as not being drop-dead cool. Further satisfac- A method that appreciates fashion, music, and tion will later come from mocking other the inherent fashion in certain music. organizers’ collections. Method: All music that is not a part of Cons: Severe costs. Occasional repur- (or that is not historically related to) the cur- chase of discarded titles may be necessary as rent fashion should be removed from obvi- fashion dictates. Also, an innovative series of ous inclusion in the stacks, allowing only hidden cabinets and shelves may be required those titles that are in vogue to remain. This for the organizer choosing this method; method should only be used for pre-sorting, either that, or very comfortable ideas about after which the organizer should conclude the intrinsic disposability of music. — 41 — with any of the other methods (although “Categorically” and “Qualitatively” are not These are all, ultimately, choices only the recommended, as all remaining music in the organizer can make. Some will require only collection will assuredly fall into only one simple logic and personal taste. Others, how- genre or exhibit a single overall sound – ever, will demand deep personal exploration another method, “Harmoniously,” should and confrontation. Proceed with equal parts prove a simple undertaking). confi dence and caution. How to Make Things Easier for Everyone LESLIE HARPOLD

No one likes a sourpuss! So smile and public way again. It also provides your often – it’s OK for the smile to look forced. friends and family with a convenient ratio- Cooing sounds are helpful when words fail nale for your solitude that doesn’t force you. People think this kind of thing is more them to revisit their own unpleasant memo- — 42 — uncomfortable for them to think about than ries. Think big picture and almost everyone for you to live through. They may tell you wins! they cannot imagine your horror. What they The only kind of “tragic” that is socially mean is they will not. acceptable is the beautiful kind. This means You will need to mourn. This is best ac- you must radiate love. If you change any- complished with the help of artfully written thing about the course of your life, it must esoteric alternative rock and insurgent coun- be for a greater good than your own. It is try songs. Suggested playlist includes, but is perfectly acceptable to live your life as if not limited to: nothing happened, provided you do not try “Waiting for Superman,” Flaming Lips to date before two years have passed. “Sin City,” as covered by Emmylou Harris When and if you do date, fail to form and John Starling healthy attachments. If you fi nd a mean- “Once,” Richard Buckner ingful relationship, people will suspect you “Fourth of July,” Meat Puppets never loved the husband in the fi rst place “Start Choppin,’” Dinosaur Jr. and therefore can not possibly love the man “Kissing So Hard,” John Doe you are with now. To insure a defi cit of love “I Almost Forgot,” Matthew Sweet in your life, fi nd men who are incapable of “Rid of Me,” PJ Harvey affection and commitment, or those who “Punch Me Harder,” Superchunk openly state you are not their fi rst choice – “Sugarcube,” Yo La Tengo but you’ll do in a pinch. Relationships with “House a Home,” Mark Lanegan people in diffi cult transitions are often a The songs need not be purposefully sad, good bet. No matter how much you assure but should at least be evocative of a perti- these men you are not comparing them to nent feeling or memory. Do not stop listen- your husband, they will never fully believe ing to this music until you have cried so you. long and with such abandon that your body When enough time has passed and you forces a state of mild catatonia. Then sleep meet new people, avoid explaining in pre- it off. cise terms how your life got this way. The Gain weight. This is especially helpful stories will be apocryphal, and while it if you are American as it insures no one may be tempting to deny the truth, don’t; will ever try to love you in a meaningful you’re only doing yourself a disservice and ruling out your option of having random and do not shut off the smoke alarm – the emotional meltdowns. These episodes need battery will die eventually, and if you live in not be explained and, frankly, are best con- a crowded urban area, no one will call the ducted in private. Refer to them as “taking fi re department, anyway. some space” or “doing some thinking.” Whenever possible, answer your phone. Always acknowledge it was a great love. Otherwise people will just come over. You have no regrets. You were safe and loved, No matter how you feel, behave in a way however briefl y. Hold on to that feeling as it others will perceive as “strong.” No one is unlikely to occur again in the foreseeable likes a quitter. Besides, if you’re a trouper, future. This helps people believe you are OK. then others are saved the burden of being You actually are mostly OK. leaned on. They have important things to When you get so angry it feels like you do, after all, and although you are sure they are bleeding from the eyes, it is natural to genuinely love you, they also have problems want to blame him for his departure. In the of their own. Comparing troubles is unfair long run, these words can’t be taken back, and mean – remember that everyone’s pain so don’t say them aloud, even when alone. is relative to their experience. — 43 — The phase of grief after denial is acceptance, While it’s true he repeatedly promised after all, and when it comes, you will want never to leave you, accept that he has. There to be seen as a healed, loving, sentient being. is no need to explore this in dialogue with Hold your breath. It’s surprising how ef- anyone other than a professional therapist, fective this can be at staving off the insistent as it will cause others to question their demons which catch you off-guard in un- own security. People will stop wanting to likely places: the bus, a company picnic, an be around you. As the saying goes, half of auto body shop, a swimming pool. You may something is better than all of nothing. You encounter a voice, phrase, joke, or manner- need the company of others to survive, but ism triggering a fl ood of memory, making letting them know every little thought in you want to crouch in the fetal position your head is a surefi re way to guarantee they while pressing your palms full-force into will not invite you to their birthday party. your eye sockets. Holding your breath and Never mention the following words: counting to 50, or 100 if necessary, will often husband, lonely, dead, lost, heartbroken, get you through the moment. If anyone hopeless, probate, sleepless, haunted, anger, asks if something is wrong, say that you ghosts, resentment, or widow. Nice substi- “just spaced.” tutes might be: unpleasant, sad, solitude, Do not open the envelope the coroner boyfriend, Christmas, single, lollipop. will give you, as it contains graphic photos Remember: You are OK. Some may think of the deceased that will scar you beyond you are a certain kind of ruined, which is repair. Take comfort merely knowing they untrue. You are a certain kind of wise. Try are in there, and serve as proof of both the not to wince every time you hear someone existence and death of the person to whom say “ignorance is bliss” and most of all, do you never said a proper goodbye. After two not respond with: “Yes. It was.” and a half years, burn it in your living room How to Keep Your Distance SCOTT DAVID HERMAN

Your distance is a function of the space that falls Between how far away you feel the need to stand

In some outlying place beyond the city walls Of stone and steel engirded by the lightless land, — 44 — And just how far within the city’s hollowed halls And streaming streets that fi lled your mouth with dust and sand

You seem, by what your eye recalls; and this will weigh In just proportion to how long you feel the deep

Imperative to move so many in the way That you have traveled in such moments still as sleep;

And when this nearness is what you can give away, Your distance then is yours to keep. How to Perform a Card Trick JOSHUA ALLEN

1. she should die suddenly during the week. Pop would usually recommend Today this habit seems smart, proactive. a drink or two beforehand, and luckily there’s a liquor store right across the street 3b. — 45 — from the hospital. A bail bonds place, too. We played lunatic levels of Crazy Eights The drink isn’t to steady the hand, really, but when Pop was here after getting torn up by to encourage the Audience to doubt your his motorcycle. “Tough guy!” This is Mom abilities. I pick up something called Expert yelling, knocking over equipment, swatting Whiskey which comes in a plastic bottle and his casts with wilting fl owers. “Mister tough tastes brand-new. biker!” We retired to the waiting room.

2. 3c. The Audience is my sister’s girl which is And then years earlier when I was here after good since she’s young and hasn’t yet in- losing my hand. That’s when Pop taught herited her mother’s suspicious nature. Plus me the trick. “Lefty,” he said, “I know you she’s been crying all morning so she’s ex- like the magic,” and I nodded, my thoughts hausted, limp in the pink waiting-room never more than two steps away from the chair, gripping this horrifying little doll by riding lawn mower that was still looming its left leg. I ask her what the dolly’s name in our backyard, still running for all I knew. is and she says Anderson. I ask her if those “I’ve got a card trick where you don’t need hollowed-out eyes scare her maybe a little two hands and you could probably even get and she says a little but whatever. by with no hands if you had to, so you can forget everything I said about the palming 3a. and the misdirection because this trick is all The cards are bright red and say Braniff Inter- about the patter.” national in fragile white letters. The box is more like a slipcover at this point. I see them 4. every time I’m in a hospital. They live in Our aunt found the cards holding down Celia’s purse along with her coupons and a tip in the Embers, a bar she used to fre- the epitaphs for herself that she scrawls in quent. I mean frequent. They ended up in golf pencil. Absolutely w/out fl aw or Silent ‘n’ Celia’s purse after Special Ed used the jack effi cient. She calls pretty much every Monday of spades on his wrists. There was still morning, syllables already slurring, instruct- a brownish stain along one edge and our ing me to write down the latest just in case aunt couldn’t bear to hang on to the cards, but didn’t want to throw them away, either. “How do I do that.” You should always, she said, you should “Well let’s start by picking two of the four always keep tabs on objects with that kind suits.” of power. “You like card games, right?” she “OK.” asked Celia, handing her the deck, and Celia “All right, pick two. You know like hearts, said, “Did it take?” and our aunt said no, he clubs, diamonds.” didn’t even need stitches. And Celia asked “OK.” if it was a cry for help or what, and our “All right, what are they?” aunt said no, it was more like a science fair “I have to tell you?” project. “Yeah, we’re working together on this little project.” 5. “I thought you were supposed to guess my I tell the Audience to get the cards out of card.” her mother’s purse and this takes a while “No, no, you’re going to tell me what your since the thing is bottomless, eternal. I in- card is and where I can fi nd it.” struct her to shuffl e them thoroughly, which “Really?” — 46 — she has trouble with but killing time is sort “Yeah, you little angel from heaven, so go of the point. I tell her I’m going to do a ahead and pick two suits.” magic trick that’ll make her question every- “Seems like I’m doing a lot of the work.” thing she ever learned about how the world “Quit with the stalling.” works. I tell her to take a good look around “I pick … hearts.” because fi ve minutes from now everything “And.” will be different. She does. I tell her she “And … hearts. And diamonds.” thinks she has choices in this life but she’ll “OK now choose one of those, hearts or soon fi nd out otherwise. diamonds.” “I pick … um … I pick hearts.” 6. “OK and that leaves what, diamonds?” I am nonchalant while she shuffl es. I am “Diamonds.” hardly paying attention. I glance at the guy “OK.” with the gauze over his eye who’s watching the television bolted to the ceiling. You can’t 7b. appear to care. The entire trick is just a for- The trick takes at least twice as long as usual mality to the master magician. with this Audience, but the process is the same: narrow it down to a certain suit, then 7a. a handful of cards from that suit, pick four or “You done?” fi ve cards from the suit of diamonds, now choose “Yes.” two of those, then one particular card, then “They’re completely shuffl ed.” ask them to pick a number between one and “I think so.” ten. “OK, I’ll take those and I’ll put them, lessee, I’ll put them here in my shirt pocket, 7c. OK?” “Four?” “Yes!” “Four is my favorite number.” “Hardly even touched them. Now you’re “Why’s that?” going to pick a card without even looking at “My faaaaavorite.” the deck, OK?” “Four’s good.” “See because,” she says, holding up two fi n- matter? That was all pretend. The Audience gers on either hand, bouncing them around listens to my explanation, holding her doll like twin bunnies. tightly against her chest, making only the “Hey cutie, are you ready or what? Lookit, most tenuous nods. the fourth card I pull out of my pocket will be your card, the six of diamonds. OK? Can 9b. you –” (She’s been told not to ask about my hand “No, the seven of diamonds.” but one time she put forth the theory that I “Seven of diamonds, right – are you sure? still had it around somewhere and could put Is that the one you chose?” it back on if I felt like it, it’s just that I never “The seven of diamonds, I said.” really felt like it.) “OK, let’s fi nd out. One, two, and a three, and, there, the seven of diamonds. Voilà.” 9c. I tell her she was being forced toward a con- 7d. clusion that was decided upon before she The Audience shrieks, causing alarm even knew what was going on. I take a kind — 47 — throughout the waiting room. She claps her of grim pleasure in the look on her small, gummy hands together and forgets where smooth face. she is for a few moments. 10. 8. The Audience takes the cards, looking for a Pop had punched my bandaged stump in better explanation. She fi nds the stain along what I assumed to be a gesture of camarade- one side of the jack of spades, touches rie. He did the trick again and the artifi ce fell the crescent-shaped crease where Special Ed apart in front of me, the path we took to must’ve held it. A series of tones over the get to the card different on the second go- PA system. The chairs are situated so you round. I’d picked spades and clubs and the always have to look at someone. I close fi rst time he’d said now pick one of those but my eyes and imagine a faceless man stum- the next time he’d said all right that leaves bling into the Embers, heading toward the hearts and diamonds, now pick one of those. furthest table from the door, ordering one If you’re lucky they’ll go right for the card Expert Whiskey after another, trying to on their own, he told me. Then you’ll see dilute the memories of that afternoon, purg- someone fl at-out fl abbergasted right in front ing the stench of hospital from his sinuses, of you, big chief. the hours spent playing solitaire in the wait- ing room. He leaves the cards – discovered 9a. years ago right in the middle of the sidewalk, I am forced to admit to the Audience that I almost two miles away from where the peeked at the bottom of the deck as I put plane went down – on the table when he it in my pocket and the card I saw there gets up to go. Our aunt arrives an hour later, was the seven of diamonds. And that the uses the deck as a coaster. deck was in my pocket to hide the fact that the seven of diamonds was not actually the 11. fourth card in the deck but the last. And Celia emerges from the double-doors, pale remember when I forgot what card you’d and thin. The Audience runs into her arms, chosen? And how I made it sound like you leaving the scary doll next to me. “You could pick anything you wanted and it didn’t made it,” I say to her and she doesn’t say any- thing. “One more stomach-pump and the next one’s free,” I say.

12. Celia spies the plastic bottle and tells me to throw it away, it’s not like the family needs another trip here. Then she tells the Au- dience to throw the goddamn cards away. The Audience starts to cry, just a little, so I take the cards from her, palm them, wave my hand, and abracadabra, they’ve vanished, hidden away inside my vacant right sleeve. She screams and demands to know where they went and I tell her not to worry, I’ll give them to her when her mother’s not looking, they’re not going anywhere. — 48 — This has been “MANUAL”

COMPILED AND EDITED BY

Joshua Allen

Rosecrans Baldwin

Michael Barrish

Dennis A. Mahoney

 allen, joshua · fi reland.com  armstrong, gail · openbrackets.com  armstrong, jon · blurbomat.com  baldwin, rosecrans · themorningnews.org  barrish, michael · oblivio.com  fanning, kevin · whygodwhy.com  ford, paul · ftrain.com  guilfoile, kevin · coudal.com CONTRIBUTORS  gurley, jason · deeplyshallow.com  hamilton, heather b. · dooce.com  harpold, leslie · leslie.harpold.com  herman, scott david · erasing.org  mahoney, dennis a. · 0format.com  massie, alexis · alexmassie.com  powers, magdalen · foolsparadise.org  seamon, tobias · 0format.com  womack, andrew · themorningnews.org

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