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In This Issue 4 Editorial Team 5 Editor’s Letter 6 Entre Guillemets 9 Tops and Flops of First Term from a Fresher’s Perspective 10 Christmas Cocktails 14 Restaurant Guide for the New Year 16 Who are you going to be in 2017? 18 Why you should make your 2017 Britney into a 2007 Britney 20 Can 2017 be any worse than 2016? 22 Agony Aunt 24 And a partridge with a French Studies degree 27 Alumni Article by Ryan Spooner 28 Alumni Q&A 31 Film Review 32 Horoscopes 3 Editorial Team EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Katy Phipps DESIGN EDITOR Chloë Prestwich EDITORIAL TEAM Francesca Sheeka Kavita Desai CONTRIBUTORS Eva Tumel Tom Ibbotson Francesca Sheeka Kavita Desai Mike Johnson Elizabeth da Costa Dan Baker Louie Watson Ikin Adrian Green Samuel Meah Ryan Spooner Alice Matthews Charlotte Yardley Nahida Ullah 4 Editor’s Letter t was the best of times, it was the worst of times, there was only one term left of Katy Phipps uni but it was really difficult and hard Iand nobody could really be bothered to do it. Parlons welcomes you to the New Year, full of hope and the possibility to find bet- Chloë Prestwich ter, more exciting ways to procrastinate and scrape/crawl through your deadlines (dead being the operative word). Basically, Parlons Francesca Sheeka hopes you had a great Christmas, that you did absolutely bugger all and that you intend Kavita Desai to take the same attitude into the New Year. Yay 2017! Our New Year issue is packed full of ways to make 2017 your bitch and Eva Tumel to get over the absolute monstrosity that was 2016. We’ll also help you all grow as people by telling you what you to need to change about your- Tom Ibbotson selves and what the stars have in store for you (oooooohhhh!). We’ve also Francesca Sheeka been in touch with some alumni to see how 2016 went for them post-UL- Kavita Desai IP and how they’re getting on. New Year, New You and all that, maybe 2017 will be a fun-filled year with zero celebrity deaths. Probably not, but Mike Johnson at least everything is better with Parlons at your side. Elizabeth da Costa Dan Baker Buckle your seatbelts for a corker of an issue! Louie Watson Ikin Adrian Green Samuel Meah Ryan Spooner katy Alice Matthews Katy Phipps, Editor-in-Chief Charlotte Yardley / Nahida Ullah 5 Entre ‘‘ Guillemets “It’s pretty dank feta.” Emily Wilcox (BA1) “Asia IS a lovely country.” Callum Rye (BA3) “We can all be in the nude.” Tom Ibbotson (BA3) “I want to play with Edouard.” Emily Wilcox (BA1) “I really need to adulterate my essay tonight.” Jasmine Gee (BA3) “I really need to stop slutdropping in tailored trousers.” Eva Tumel (BA3) “I signed my essay off as Geoffrey Rogers, rue d’Ecosse.” Tom Manfield (BA3) “The only reason I was born in England was to get a British passport.” Katherine Hughes (BA3) To Anne-Pauline Crepet: “Est-ce que vous avez entendu parler de ‘pig-gate’?” Eva Tumel (BA3) “I need to buy food but I can’t afford food because I keep buying useless books.” Katy Phipps (BA3) “I think my perfect day out would be drinking pastis and throwing balls at other people.” Adrian Green (BA1) submits his own quote to Entre Guillemets *After a night out at Corcoran’s* “Ended up taking this guy called John from South Africa home purely to just help me finish packing and he was fucking useless.” Amelia Gilby (BA3) ‘‘ 6 *Lies down and puts lighter in nose, lights* “Look at me I’m a cake!” ‘‘ Olly Ainsworth (BA1) “At the end of the day, how big was her butthole for that to happen?” Hannah Larvin (BA2) “Sometimes I’m a common Jasmine, sometimes I’m a true Jasmine.” Jasmine Gee (BA3) “I’ve seen more coasters than kitchen roll since I got here.” Piers Verstage (BA1) “You did not just Entre Guillemets yourself.” Kavita Desai (BA3) responds to Adrian Green (BA1) “You see me as a person but there’s deeper shit to me.” Luke Sexton (BA1) “I’ve had Catholic shoved down me since neigh high.” Jack Kelly (BA2) “It’s a shame what’s happened to the milk industry.” Andrew Morgan (BA2) “My Spanish teacher used to touch me.” Andrew Morgan (BA2) “I haven’t worn a v-neck in so long.” Piers Verstage (BA1) “This is the face of chlamydia.” Georgia Hawley (BA3) “These balls are dangerous.” Callum Rye (BA3) “I just love life so much.” Katherine Hughes (BA3) *Phoebe cracks an egg* “Isn’t that an abortion?” Tom Manfield (BA3) “Oh, I just love pooing.” Alex Greenway (BA3) “I’ll put the tip in.” Tom Manfield (BA3) ‘‘ 7 Christmas at ULIP 8 Tops and Flops of First Term From a Fresher’s Perspective Tops Flops • Fresher’s Week: learning that after a heavy • Finding a place to live. night out and sleep, you can still wake up drunk. • Opening a French bank account. • Successfully passing the gruesome initiations and rituals for the AULD Alliance football team • Paying to have doctor’s appointment just so and becoming valuable contributors to their you can play sport. most successful season to date. • Paying for licenses to play sport. • Having six candidates as BA1 rep, the most ever, showing how many people care about the • THAT Ecrit exam- need I say more? welfare of the year. • Spending your maintenance loan that should • Having the privilege to see Dr Morena’s in- last you three months in three weeks- thank you credible fashion sense, wearing shirts too small UK government. and his belt on the wrong side every Monday morning lecture. • Realising every conversation you have with Adrian Green leads to politics- you’ve been • Discovering that Simon Cooper from The In- warned! betweeners actually exists in real life, in the form of Piers Verstage. • Parisian Men Attending sporting events at Stade de France and • Parisian Women Parc des Princes at fractions of the price BA2s paid- sorry Ella. • Spending 5€-9€ on a pint. Pre-drinking on Kronenbourg packs of 12 at 5€ seems to be the • Learning to build the stamina to stay out till only solution so far… 5am because you’ve missed your last metro… Bastille anyone? • Having to devise excuses as to why you’ve bunked class in formal emails in French- can’t • Realising that History TD preparation is they just accept that I’m too tired and/or hun- unnecessary because Dr Morena does what he gover? wants in the seminar anyway. One less thing to rush on a Tuesday night. • Spending the first two weeks of universi- ty learning not to plagiarise instead of actually • Tea bagging Piers Verstage. learning how to write essays. • Having Luke Sexton do his best Kim Jong Un • Being a victim of the thieves and pickpockets impression with a bowlcut haircut. of Paris. • Foiling Luke Sexton’s room during Reading Week. Samuel Meah • Fraping Kavita Desai and making updates as she transitions from human to goat. 9 CHRISTMAS COCKTAILS by Louie Watson Ikin and Adrian Green hristmas is such a wonderful time for me and my family, as I’m sure it is for most of us here at ULIP. As the festive period approaches, the Ikin household focuses its attention on tradition. The things that we do, eat and, of course, drink each year have not been plucked out of thin air: Cthey all play a vital role on and around the big day. Personally, my ideal Christmas Day begins at around 1 o’clock with a good old bottle of Moët & Chan- don alongside gift opening in readiness for Her Majesty’s broadcast at 3. Despite hearing poor pro- fessional opinions of Moët, I still love it and it reminds me of Christmas, so I drink it and enjoy it. However, as Her Majesty always declares, the world is a dynamic place and change is the only constant. Christmas is a great time to mix tradition with something new and exciting. So, if you’re looking to give your festive season a little alcohol-based revamp, you’ve come to the right place. Here are three marvelous Christmas cocktails I’ve recently discovered. The first and sharpest is the Christmas Tea Punch inspired by Fortum & Mason. It’s simply loose tea, sugar syrup and gin, obviously. My second cocktail of choice comes from all-round goddess Nigella Lawson and is called Poinsettia. As always with Nigella, simplicity is key. As we’re in Paris, the delight- ful Rachel Khoo has the final word with her pomegranate party spritzer. Joyeux Noël! Louie Watson Ikin Christmas Tea Pu n ch Serves 2 • 50ml brewed and chilled loose tea • 10ml sugar syrup • 50ml sloe gin Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker Poinsettia and shake to serve. Serves 8 • Bottle of Prosecco • 125 ml orange liqueur • 500 ml chilled cranberry juice Mix all ingredients in a large pitcher. To serve, pour into champagne flutes, wine glasses or keep it in the pitcher and use a straw. Whatever floats your boat. It’s Christmas, after all. 10 Pomegranate Party Spritzer Serves 6 • Bottle of prosecco • 200 ml of pomegranate juice • Fresh mint • Ice cubes Mix and enjoy. Hot Rum Xmas Punch Serves around 25 A fantastic alternative to mulled wine! • 3.75 litres of cloudy apple juice • 2.5 litres of water • 2 thumb-sized pieces of fresh ginger • 2 lemons • 1 cinnamon stick • 1 bottle of spiced rum • 100 ml honey Pour the apple juice into a deep casserole dish, add the water and turn up the heat.