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Conversation Style: Talking on the Job 63 h -.... 1­ n , -, n 1­ ~. " . ·A:·f~..:. e e 1­ .. ¢~~ i ~r {­ / 3.­ .. )f 1­ ~t 8 te :n ,e Conversation Style: Ie ~t Talking on the Job Deborah Tannen In this piece excerpted from her book about conversation in the workplace, Deborah Tannen discusses a tacit dimension ofcommunication, conversation style. Looking at the ry different ways men and women approach or avoid asking for help on the job, she argues that gender differences in conversation style are responsible not only for miscommunica­ ns tion but also for misguided evaluations and moral judgments about the performance and character ofcoworkers. * :;d {t'-{iisten to the Chapter Audio on myanthrolab.com .at People have different conversational styles, influenced by the part of the country they grew ill up in, their ethnic backgrounds and those of their parents, their age, class, and gender. But conversational style is invisible. Unaware that these and other aspects of our backgrounds influence our ways of talking, we think we are simE.!Y..~~~.h~t~e I!!~fln. Because we don't realize that others' styles are different, we are often frustrated in conversations. Rather than *Reuse of text from Introduction and first chapter from "Women and Men Talking on the Job" (pp. 21-42), ~rn Talking from 9 to 5 by Deborah Tannen. Copyright © 1994 Deborah Tannen. Reprinted by permission of arperCollins Publishers. 61 Jill 62 PART TWO Language and Communication , f seeing the culprit as differing styles, we attribute troubles to others' intentions (she doesn't like me), abilities (he's stupid), or character (she's rude, he's inconsiderate), our own failure (what's wrong with me?), or the failure of a relationship (we just can't communicate).... Although I am aware of the many influences on conversational style and have spent most of my career studying and writing about them ... style differences influ­ enced by gender receive particular attention [here]. This is not only because these are the differences people most want to hear about (although this is so and is a factor), but also because there is something fundamental about our categorization by gender. When you spot a person walking down the street toward you, you immediately and automatically identify that person as male or female. You will not necessarily try to determine which state they are from, what their class background is, or what country their grandparents came from. A secondary identification, in some places and times, may be about race. But, while we may envision a day when a director will be able to cast actors for a play without reference to race, can we imagine a time when actors can be cast without reference to their sex? Few elements of our identities come as close to our sense of who we are as gen­ der. If you mistake people's cultural background-you thought they were Greek, but they turn out to be Italian; you assumed they'd grown up in Texas, but it turns out they're from Kentucky; you say "Merry Christmas" and they say, "we don't celebrate Christmas; we're Muslim"-it catches you off guard and you rearrange the mental frame through which you view them. But if someone you thought was male turns out to be female-like the jazz musician Bill~iPton, whose own adopted sons never suspected that their father was a woman unti the coroner broke the news to them af­ ter his (her) death-the required adjustment is staggering. Even infants discriminate between males and females and react differently depending on which they confront. Perhaps it is because our sense of gender is so deeply rooted that people are in­ clined to hear descriptions of gender patterns as statements about gender identity-in other words, as absolute differences rather than a matter of degree and percentages, and as universal rather than culturally mediated. The patterns I describe are based on observations of particular speakers in a particular place and time: mostly (but not exclusively) middle-class Americans of European background working in offices at the present time. Other cultures evince very different patterns of talk associated with gender-and correspondingly different assumptions about the "natures" of women and men. I don't put a lot of store in talk about "natures" or what is "natural." People in every culture will tell you that the behaviors common in their own culture are "natural." I also don't put a lot of store in people's explanations that their way of talking is a natu­ ral response to their environment, as there is always an equally natural and opposite way of responding to the same environment. We~l1 tend to regard the way things are as the way things have to be--:::::-_glLQ!!~Ur:dl. , The reason ways of talking, like other ways of conducting our daily lives, come to seem natural is that the behaviors that make up our lives are ritualized. Indeed, the "ritual" character of interaction is at the heart of this book. Having grown up in a particular culture, we learn to do things as the people we encounter do them, so the vast majority of our decisions about how to speak become automatic. You see some­ one you know, you ask "How are you?," chat, then take your leave, never pausing to ponder the many ways you could handle this interaction differently-and would, if you lived in a different culture. Just as an American automatically extends a hand for a handshake while a Japanese automatically bows, what the American and Japanese find it natural to say is a matter of convention learned over a lifetime. ------...----~--.---~~~--.. CHAPTER 8 Conversation Style: Talking on the Job 63 she No one understood the ritual nature of everyday life better than sociologist Erving i:e), Goffman, who also understood the fundamental role played by gender in organizing our '\n't daily rituals. In his article "The Arrangement Between the Sexes," Goffrnan pointed out that we tend to say "sex-linked" when what we mean is "sex-class-linked." When hearing oWe that a behavior is "sex-linked," people often conclude that the behavior is to be found :lu­ in every individual of that group, and that it is somehow inherent in their sex, as if are it carne hooked to a chromosome. Goffrnan suggests the term "genderism" (on the )r), model, I assume, of "mannerism," not of "sexism") for "a sex-class linked individual ler. behavioral practice." This is the spirit in which I intend references to gendered pat­ -nd terns of behavior: not to imply that there is anything inherently male or female about to particular ways of talking, nor to claim that every individual man or woman adheres _try to the pattern, but rather to observe that a larger percentage of women or men as a "es, group talk in a particular way, or individual women and men are more likely to talk ~ to one way or the other. ::lrs That individuals do not always fit the pattern associated with their gender does not mean that the pattern is not typical. Because more women or men speak in a par­ =n- ticular way, that way of speaking becomes associated with women or men-or, rather, Jut it is the other way around: More women or men learn to speak particular ways be­ :mt cause those ways are associated with their own gender. And individual men or women ate who speak in ways associated with the other gender will pay a price for departing Ital from cultural expectations. rns If my concept of how gender displays itself in everyday life has been influenced 'Ver by Goffrnan, the focus of my research-talk-and my method for studying it grow di­ af­ rectly out of my own discipline, linguistics. My understanding of what goes on when ate people talk to each other is based on observing and listening as well as tape-recording, t. transcribing, and analyzing conversation. In response to my book You Just Don't Un­ in­ derstand, I was contacted by people at many companies who askedwhetherTcould -in nelp them apply the insights in that book to the problem of "the glass ceiling": Why ;es, weren't women advancing as quickly as the men who were hired at the same time? ,ed And more generally, they wanted to understand how to integrate women as well as :lot others who were historically not "typical" employees into the increasingly diverse ; at workforce. I realized that in order to offer insight, I needed to observe what was really ith going on in the workplace.... llld : in LI " Women and Men Talking on the Job tu­ dte Amy was a manager with a problem: She had just read a final report written by : as Donald, and she felt it was woefully inadequate. She faced the unsavory task of tell­ ing him to do it over. When she met with Donald, she made sure to ~often the blow me by ~eginni~with prai~.e, telling him everything about his report that was good. ed, Then she went on to explain what was lacking and what needed to be done to make :J.a it acceptable. She was pleased with the diplomatic way she had managed to deliver :he the bad news. Thanks to her thoughtfulness in starting with praise, Donald was able le­ to listen to the criticism and seemed to understand what was needed. But when the to revised report appeared on her desk, Amy was shocked. Donald had made only mi­ , if nor, superficial changes, and none of the necessary ones.
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