Virginia Law Weekly 2017, 2018, & 2019 ABA Law Student Division Best Newspaper Award-Winner A Look Fighting Through Isolation as a 1L...... 2 Criminal Law, a Banjo, and Soccer? Meet Professor Frampton...... 3 Inside: Nothing Puzzling About this Fun Activity on Valentine's Day...... 5

Wednesday, 17 February 2021 The Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948 Volume 73, Number 16 Originalism around north in the Twenty- Panel Discusses Practicing grounds First Century Law in the "Age of Thumbs up to Jacob Smith ’23 the Journal Try- Staff Editor out being split Colorblindness" over two week- “Originalism’s critics ends. ANG has a monopoly have failed to convince on looking like a shell of a America that originalism is person after staying up for a bad idea.” Suggesting that seventy-two hours straight, originalism had in a sense and is glad no 1Ls will steal never left, Professor Kurt ANG’s thunder. Lash presented evidence from contexts as diverse Thumbs down as McCulloch v. Maryland to FedSoc for and the recent debate over failing to include former President Trump’s their name on advertise- impeachment that it has al- ments for events they host. ways been popular to claim ANG has attended these the “moral high ground” events for free Chick-Fil-A, of adhering to the original but trying to trick ANG into meaning of the Constitu- logging onto another Zoom tion. Professor Lash attrib- meeting solely with pretty uted originalism’s survival wordart is a new low. to the persistence of the idea of popular sovereign- Thumbs side- ty—that the people’s will, ways to students as embodied in our Consti- who feel obligated tution, should be respected. to respond to ev- But Professor Lash’s ery question a professor words also reflected two asks. While ANG appreci- major threads that pervad- ates never having to speak ed Friday’s symposium. On in class, ANG doesn’t pay Pictured: Professor Thomas Frampton (Bottom Right) moderated the panel on gathering Black perspectives on the practice of criminal law, featuring Judge Angel Harris (Top Left), Mike Herring (Top Right), and Alanah Odoms (Bottom one hand, commentators Left). Photos Courtesy of Anna Bninski '23 and law.virginia.edu a hefty tuition bill to hear recognized that original- fellow students talk more ism has achieved a histori- Anna Bninski ’23 the “caste system” created by the traditional roles of prosecution than the professor. cal position of influence in Staff Editor disenfranchisement of people and defense, a shift from the the legal academy and ju- “Anything I’ve said about who have been convicted of a conviction-oriented training he Thumbs down diciary. But they were also this is online already, so why crime. received as a young prosecutor. to having class on keenly aware of the chal- change?” asked Judge Angel The inevitable Zoom problems He also described the difference President’s Day. lenges that originalism fac- Harris, before speaking in very that plague every contemporary between reactions to the last two What’s the point es as they discussed topics plain terms about the racial dis- talk left listeners briefly in sus- drug epidemics: crack and opi- of blindly exalting and em- related to the subject of the parities that she sees in the crim- pense as to whether they would oids. While appreciating the shift phasizing the University’s Third Annual Originalism inal legal system. get to hear from Odoms, but to a treatment-based response, connection to Jefferson if Symposium, “Originalism On Tuesday, February 9, the after some brief wrangling she which can be seen in the opioid there’s no real perks? Under Fire.” Law School’s Diversity, Equity, was able to share that she keeps epidemic, Herring noted that As in prior years, UVA’s and Belonging Committee host- a pocket copy of the Constitution this reaction was sorely missing Thumbs side- Federalist Society chapter ed a formidable panel of speak- on her desk. “I like to remind in response to crack-related drug ways to COVID hosted last Friday’s sym- ers in conjunction with SBA’s Di- students that slavery and invol- infractions. “I hope that the dif- testing happening posium, but of course this versity Week and in recognition untary servitude are ingrained ference in approach is a product in the rain. If stu- year’s event was held via of Black History Month. The ac- from the beginning,” she said, of cultural evolution and not dis- dents get pneumonia, that Zoom. “I’m proud that our complished trio of Black crimi- reminding listeners that the parity, but time will tell.” means there will be more Federalist Society chapter nal law practitioners—Judge Thirteenth Amendment allows Odoms recounted see- of Student Affairs’ cake pop has, despite the challenges Angel Harris, former criminal for the involuntary servitude ing change follow President goodie bags for ANG. posed by the COVID-19 defense attorney and current of people convicted of a crime. Obama’s appointment of Eric pandemic, continued our Orleans Parish Criminal District Odoms also highlighted the “in- Holder as U.S. Attorney General, Thumbs down tradition of bringing top Court Judge; Mike Herring ’90, sidious operation” of legal finan- particularly in the guidance he to the never- legal minds to UVA for dis- Commonwealth’s Attorney for cial obligations, given that most gave to prosecutors about mari- ending cycle of cussion and debate,” said the City of Richmond for over people in jail are not formally juana infractions. She also noted snow, melted the symposium’s chairman, a decade and current partner charged with a crime, but rather, the educational work done by snow, and then mud. ANG Connor Kurtz ’22. The sym- at McGuireWoods; and Alanah unable to make bail and sim- Black Lives Matter and other already works hard not to posium featured profes- Odoms, Executive Director of ply stuck there, thereby being groups, which has led to a more be a brown-noser, unlike sors, judges, and a handful the ACLU of Louisiana—shared denied a speedy trial. Expand- diverse group of people running most 1Ls, but this weather of other commentators— their perspectives on issues ing on Judge Harris’s point, she for prosecutor positions. “If you is making ANG blend into including David Lat, the raised in Professor Michelle Al- noted that disenfranchisement take folks committed to justice the crowd too well. founding editor of the in- exander’s book, The New Jim of Black voters has been particu- and fairness and put them in famous blog website Above Crow as well as advice for cur- larly systematic in the South. these positions, you’ll see a dif- Thumbs side- the Law. rent law students. Herring recalled reading Slav- ference.” She also emphasized ways to the big One external challenge The first question posed by ery By Another Name—which is that the legal system should seek demolition going to originalism comes from Professor Thomas Frampton, about the racist system of forced wholeness for the individuals on next to the Law the Right. Some readers who moderated the panel, fo- labor that persisted from the and communities who have been School. ANG appreciates may not know that there cused on The New Jim Crow. Civil War into the twentieth cen- harmed, rather than trying to seeing the destruction of is a Republican school of The premise of Professor Alex- tury—while serving as a prosecu- “exact as much retribution and any part of civilized society. thought that has an atti- ander’s book is that the criminal tor. “I was so troubled. I could trauma as possible on people.” But all the noise is disrupt- tude of hostility, or at least legal system, in its current “col- not force policy in such a way as Judge Harris cited Virginia’s ing ANG’s afternoon naps wariness, toward original- orblind” iteration, accomplishes to cripple my office . . . I was torn current moves toward abolish- in the crevices of Slaughter ism. As originalism and the the same work of subordination by the reality of the genesis of ing the death penalty as a posi- Hall. Supreme Court have come and exclusion that overtly racist our criminal justice system with tive development “that I wasn’t under increasing scrutiny, prior regimes sought to enforce. what we as modern practitioners expecting to hear when I heard Thumbs up to those voices have grown Judge Harris agreed with thought we were doing for the it.” More broadly, Judge Harris T-Swift re-re- louder. Last year Harvard the premise, pointing particu- greater good.” observed that she’s seen people leasing some old Professor Adrian Vermeule larly to the effect of mandatory Speaking to changes that he become better informed, and songs. ANG feels proposed an alternative to minimum sentences on com- has seen over the course of his less afraid to push issues and to like a sixteen-year-old filled munities of color, disparate op- career, Herring said that he sees with hope and wonder ORIGINALISM page 2 PERSPECTIVES page 2 portunities to plead down, and law students today rejecting the again. Take that, UVA Law. 2 Columns VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 17 February 2021 PERSPECTIVES ORIGINALISM Gorsuch failed to acknowl- ed, perhaps the easiest way Court as we know it. edge that the Court’s prece- to advocate for originalism continued from page 1 continued from page 1 dents were inconsistent with is to point out cases where --- textualism. “Textualism is it has not favored Repubican question previous models. “Part originalism: common-good apolitical in that it looks to outcomes, like Bostock and [email protected] of it is beginning to change the constitutionalism. Ver- the meaning of a word, as certain Fourth Amendment narrative . . . the way we talk meule’s conclusion, as de- opposed to a question of pol- opinions authored by Justice about criminal courts. There scribed during the panel by icy values in a statute,” said Scalia. Still, it is reasonable was always this value judge- Newsweek Opinion Editor Jessie Mann ’23. “It was fas- to expect skepticism to con- ment: Why are we pushing for Josh Hammer, is that “we cinating to hear the different tinue so long as the Supreme the rights of ‘criminals?’ I say in should instead overtly go for arguments for how staunch Court’s originalists are all quotes, as though they were not substantive and normative Justice Gorsuch was in his conservatives. human beings deserving dignity conservative outcomes.” Bostock opinion.” James Ford ’23 expressed and respect like everyone else.” In contrast, the land- Popular misconceptions this kind of skepticism, stat- The panelists also discussed mark decision Bostock v. are another challenge faced ing that “originalism is just the need for data-driven policy; Clayton County has stirred by originalism. In a discus- paleo-conservatism with redefinitions of accountability; debate among adherents of sion of the public perception more steps.” Many Demo- trauma-informed practice; the originalism, with some sup- of originalism, Lat addressed crats agree, if calls for court- rewards and difficulties of work- porting and some opposing some common misunder- packing are any indication. ing within a flawed system; and Justice Gorsuch’s reason- standings. Originalism, at The challenge for the Su- nuance within restorative jus- ing. Some of those perspec- least in its most prominent preme Court’s originalists is tice. “For a certain level of of- tives were on display in a version, focuses not on the to persuade observers that fender, removal is the right op- discussion of “Textualism Founders’ intentions but on their methodology truly is tion,” Mr. Herring said, while after Bostock.” Textualism the Constitution’s original non-partisan and to do so noting the importance of ex- is sometimes considered public meaning. Nor does at a time when the stakes amining sentencing disparities. the statutory analogue of originalism demand strict are higher than ever. In the “But we need to be careful not to originalism, which is often constructionism or anachro- balance hangs not only origi- indict ourselves and the system thought of as a method of nism. The Constitution can nalism’s reputation but also, so much that we pass back to constitutional interpreta- be construed “as broadly as just maybe, the Supreme communities an unfair burden.” tion. necessary” to embrace all In parting words of wisdom In Bostock, both Justice it originally meant and its for students, both Odoms and Gorsuch’s majority opinion original meaning can be ap- Judge Harris shared that they and dissenting opinions by plied to new contexts. did not seek Law Review posi- Justices Alito and Kavana- These misconceptions per- tions, opting instead to find pro- ugh followed textualist ap- sist. Lat noted that folks on grams or research that fit their proaches, but they arrived the street tend to think of specific interests. Odoms also at radically different conclu- originalism as “antiquated” had a question for young law- sions. Professor Tara Leigh and “harsh.” I refer read- yers—or any lawyers—to keep in Grove favored Justice Gor- ers to the penultimate epi- mind. “Any job you do, recognize such’s approach, which she sode of Netflix’s A Series of that you have to come back into described as “we focus on Unfortunate Events, where the community. What will your the statutory language, and a pseudo-originalist court answer be to the community that’s that,” in contrast to the requires everyone to wear that you were responsible for “more flexible textualism” blindfolds since “justice is serving?” applied by the dissenting blind.” But I think original- --- justices, which considered ism’s biggest challenge is [email protected] factors such as social context persuading liberal Ameri- and practical consequences. cans that it is more than a Professor Josh Blackman, Republican power play. As Pictured: The panel discussed the different approaches that led the the Bostock opinion. Photo Courtest of Jacob Smith '23. in contrast, thought “Justice one of Friday’s panelists not- COVID: Loneliness, Guilt, and a Sad 1L My back aches. My mind my story is necessarily rid- ing the disease. And, for responsible. Responsible for vast majority of people are is tired, whittled down to an dled with privilege. I am those two groups of people, contracting the virus and not intentionally reckless. unproductive nub by count- lucky. Lucky to have a vac- that coping is done alone responsible for possibly, in- Nonetheless, they may feel Jonathan cinated mother, lucky to out of necessity. There is nocently, passing it along to responsible for their test re- Peterson ‘23 have caring friends, lucky to no one who can be there for others. This message of re- sults, and that guilt makes Staff Editor be capable of Zooming into them, at least not physically. sponsibility is important on the already extremely diffi- school. And I am blessed Which is why it is important a societal level—if individu- cult experience of isolation less hours of to have remained COVID that, if you are a friend or als didn’t feel responsible that much more harrowing. mental strain. free. Which is why my per- an acquaintance of someone for these things, what would My goal in highlighting I’ve never sonal experience is perhaps going through quarantine, nation-wide COVID compli- this is to point out that if a worked this not the best to highlight you check in on them. It is ance look like? However, on friend or acquaintance gets hard in my life, and my body, when trying to talk about a small gesture and as I’ve a personal level, when deal- COVID, these concerns may hunched into a position fit the strains of quarantine stated above, it’s no substi- ing with those around you be on their mind. However, for someone fifty years my and isolation, or what one tute for actual interaction. who are in this situation, it’s times are crazy. Some even senior, is beginning to reflect should picture if they have However, for those in quar- important to remind them say unprecedented. Personal that fact. The pillow caresses a friend or acquaintance go- antine, simply having people that this is a global pandem- accountability is important, my grossly convex back, a ing through the same. It isn’t reach out to them every once ic. These things are, often, and it’s hard not to feel ac- seemingly well-intentioned easy. Which is why I believe in a while—to check in on uncontrollable. The guilt countable when staring an act undercut by the extreme it’s important to talk about how they’re feeling, if they that accompanies a positive astronomically deadly vi- lack of lumbar support. My what people can do for those have symptoms, how school test result is frightening and, rus in the face. However, TV plays what must be the going through it. is going, anything along for those who are already guilt is not necessarily the millionth episode of some The most difficult part those lines—is a pleasant going through the mental appropriate response. Cer- sitcom, affirming that I am of quarantine is perhaps the reminder that, despite their strain of a fourteen-day iso- tainly, if there’s a lesson to Netflix’s most dedicated cus- loneliness. In our technolog- current loneliness, they are lation, crippling. Briefly, be learned about following tomer. A knock on my door— ical era, it isn’t especially dif- not alone. to qualify this, not all who protocol, that lesson should my mom has brought me ficult to kill time, although Another important contract COVID are blame- LONELINESS page 5 dinner. Life is hard. doing so enjoyably is its own thing to remember, espe- less. However, I believe the Suffice to say, despite beast. However, Snapchats, cially when interacting with the melodrama playing out texts, and even FaceTime people who have COVID, is above, I had a cushier quar- calls don’t exactly substi- that they’re scared. They’re antine than your average Wa- tute the coffee-and-muffin- scared for themselves, but hoo. I was, like many before conversations we enjoy in even more than that, often- me, locked in my room for ScoCo. Even the brief wave times, they’re scared for the ten full days after exposure. and smiling eyes of a pass- host of known and unknown I, like many, saw the outside ing friend in a hallway have people they may have im- world mostly through my a different impact than vir- pacted. And it’s necessary window and interacted with tual interactions. Of course, to understand that even friends entirely virtually. when in quarantine these the most COVID-conscious However, because of my own options aren’t available, but among us can, without er- personal situation—living interaction remains essen- ror on our own part, become at home—I likely retained tial nonetheless. Interaction infected at any time. Even more amenities than most is of paramount importance a simple trip to the grocery in a similar position. Oddly, to those who are either cop- store, fully masked, yet made it felt reminiscent of high ing with the worries associ- at the wrong time, can be all school. Scarily, I can’t say I ated with having COVID, of it takes. And yet, for those hated it. which there are many, or the who contract the virus, many For that to be the case, fears of possibly contract- of them feel fundamentally Pictured: It felt as though life were passing me by as I watched, lonely, from my window. Photo Courtesy of Jonathan Peterson '23. Wednesday, 17 February 2021 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Features 3 Club Spotlight: The Ministry of Truth Founded in 1948, the Law becomes a ‘Staff Editor’, which, I cannot sweeten this offer any At its core, the Law Weekly go about politically charged Weekly has regaled students if you’re asking the author, is a further. is its own propaganda machine.8 student organizations? Our with the antics that have oc- pretty cool resume addition. If you’ve gotten this far We alter the facts to fit our own dumpster. Ever wonder why the curred on North Grounds for What would you do as a mem- in the article, I applaud you. desired narrative, often requir- administration continues to let Phil Tonseth ‘22 ber of the Law Weekly, and does However, I need to provide a ing the Law School to change us post ridiculous stories about Production Editor being a ‘Staff Editor’ mean hav- disclaimer that, while all of the its tactics to continue to appease ranking bread, playing Zelda, ing responsibilities? At its base, above information is accurate, I us.9 What I didn’t tell you about or Call Her Daddy? The admin- the past seventy the position doesn’t require was contractually bound to write our office is that it’s strategically istration knows we can throw years.1 Composed any formal work; rather, one it. Here’s the real truth. Ever read located directly above the dump- them in our dumpster. of students who, can work/help as much as they 1984 by George Orwell? Did you ster behind the Law School. Ever We chose to spotlight our instead of miser- wish.4 Members are asked to edit notice that it came out in 1949, wonder where graded exams go club, the Ministry of Truth, both ably attempting pieces submitted by the vari- a year after the Law Weekly was that students thought they did as an invitation and a warn- to write onto Virginia Law Re- ous authors for grammar and founded? If you made that con- well on? Our dumpster. Ever ing. For all of those with similar view, would rather write enter- spelling and to help contribute nection, I hope you also connect- wonder where positive articles worldviews who like pizza, you taining pieces or detail current fun ideas for articles. Plus, if a ed the dots and noticed the simi- are more than welcome to join events around the school, the member has a particular inter- larities between the Ministry of speech-case our pseudo-cult. For those stu- Law Weekly boasts a robust est, they’re encouraged to write Truth and the Law Weekly. The dents who believe you can un- membership and contributor to their heart’s desire about such Law Weekly is the underground 8 We are an actual news dermine us, good luck and come base. Published weekly, the Law topic.5 organization that controls what organization; this is all satire. give it a shot. We are both the in- Weekly is not just for lightheart- Why would you want to give is fact around these parts, and we Please don’t take this or me se- stitution and the resistance. We ed stories about Barristers, Fox- yourself more work by joining work hard to make sure our nar- riously. are absolute and never wrong. field, or visiting speakers. The this organization? Well, first, ratives fit those truths.6 You may We are Big Brother. Join at your newspaper can also hang its hat the Law Weekly is the funniest be thinking, this would violate 9 For instance, we forced own risk. on the fact that it has been cited band of misfits around the Law the First Amendment and chill Student Affairs to bring back --- by the Supreme Court2, the Fifth School. We turn all of our gripes speech, especially in a time when Weekly Wind-down Fridays [email protected] Circuit3, and numerous other into weekly opinions on the political commentators are face- because we wanted more state supreme courts. Court of Petty Appeals, channel tiously arguing for ‘alternative cookies in 1L Cookie Monsters How can you join such an il- our frustrations into the com- facts.’ You may even attempt to v. UVA, 370 U.Va 100 (2020). lustrious organization, and are ments section, “Around North use my boy Scalia’s own remarks there any cool incentives to do Grounds,” and share the fun- against me, when he said “[t]he so? The Law Weekly wishes for niest professor quotes we hear mere fact that a private individ- everyone with an opinion to join, with the masses. Additionally, ual can chill somebody’s speech from all walks of life and all or- pre- (and hopefully post-) COV- does not say, well, since a private ganizations. In fact, after attend- ID, we have free Domino’s pizza individual can do it, you know, ing three of our weekly editing at each weekly meeting. Lastly, the ‘Ministry of Truth’ can do meetings, an attendee officially we also have a corner office in it.”7 Respectfully, we disagree. Slaughter Hall with a brand new 1 https://www.lawweekly. refrigerator and coffee maker. 6 DISCLAIMER: the Law org/about-virginia-law-week- Weekly takes pride in publish- ly 4 See, another reason why ing true and honest news sto- Law Weekly is more fun than ries. 2 Patterson v. New York, being on a journal. 432 U.S. 197 (1977) 7 https://www.us- 5 See Love in the Time of news.com/news/ar- 3 Thermo King v. White’s Corona by Ben Stievetar ’22 or ticles/2014/04/22/ Trucking Service, 292 F.2d the multiple features on anti- supreme-court-reviews- Pictured: Where truth is formed, pizza is served, and the Law Weekly controls the world. Photo Courtesy of reddit.com 668 (5th Cir. 1961). trust by Donna Faye Imadi ’22. ministry-of-truth-election- Criminal Law and Kerfuffle FC: A Snow Day Talk with Professor Thomas Frampton Last Friday, I logged onto a lated idea for the Law Weekly: Zoom call with Christina Luk The first portion of our dis- first name but calls students he’s not a fan of King Cake. I instead of students interview- ’21, Maria Luevano ’21, Sam cussion focused on “academic” by their last names. I wish I mean, who wants to bite into a ing a professor, the professor Leah Deskins ‘21 topics. Professor Frampton could say there was a fascinat- plastic baby, anyway? could interview the students. Professor Liasion Editor explained that he’s been very ing reason behind this unusu- Lastly, Professor Frampton Overall, it was a great inter- impressed with how well stu- al phenomenon, but really it offered some advice for law view, and my only regret is Pickett ’21, and dents have rolled with the seems that the last name thing students. He advised that, as that the pandemic prevented Jacob Smith ’23 punches and been so resilient is sort of a default setting for UVA Law students, we’ve al- us from getting together in to interview Pro- this year, and that his favor- Professor Frampton. Howev- ready done a ton of gold star person.6 fessor Thomas ite part of teaching is learning er, our conversation may have chasing, and that at some Frampton. A na- from his students.3 We chatted prompted him to reconsider point we should make peace --- tive of Washington, D.C.,1 Pro- about the oral argument for a his ways. TBD. with ourselves and relax our fessor Frampton attended Yale real case he conducted in his The second portion of our desire to continue to collect [email protected] for his bachelor’s and master’s criminal law class last semes- discussion dealt with life out- gold stars. While Professor degrees, before attending UC ter and the wonderful oppor- side of the Law School. Profes- Frampton framed this advice Berkeley for law school. After tunity it presented for 1Ls to sor Frampton mentioned that as directed at “1L Thomas,” his law school, he clerked at the see the law in action. Professor he’s looking forward to expe- insight could benefit law stu- 6 Professor Frampton trial and appellate levels, prac- Frampton also spoke about a riencing the Charlottesville dents of all levels. wanted me to mention that ticed law as a public defender current article he’s working music scene once things are I decided to get in touch he’s 7’4”. Because of the pan- for the Orleans Public Defend- on that discusses prison abo- back up and running again, with Professor Frampton demic, there’s no way for me to ers in (shocker) New Orleans lition and focuses on how the and that during the pandemic, about speaking with the Law see how tall he actually is, so I for a few years, and then was criminal justice system should he learned how to play ban- Weekly because I’ve really guess I’m just going to have to a Climenko Fellow at Harvard handle the “dangerous few.” jo.4 Aside from working on his been enjoying his criminal ad- accept this stated fact as true. before landing in Charlottes- Although Professor Frampton banjo technique, he has been a judication class. His interview See Christina Luk, Something ville last summer. Professor is still working on his argu- member of a local soccer team, did not disappoint. We had a About Twiqbal But Make It Frampton is a criminal law ment, it seems like the article Kerfuffle FC.5 And his three fa- lively discussion, and he even Zoom, 72 Va. L. Weekly 19 scholar, and, perhaps unsur- will be very interesting and vorite musical artists are The suggested a new, professor-re- (2020). prisingly, taught criminal law timely, and one that students Mountain Goats, Against Me!, this past fall. This semester, should be on the lookout for. and Phil Ochs. We also learned he’s teaching criminal adjudi- Finally, we discussed an in- that he hates eggnog and that cation.2 teresting quirk of Professor Frampton’s teaching style: He 4 Am I seeing a bluegrass 1 D.C. proper, not Northern asks students to call him by his cover band in the Law School’s Virginia or Maryland. Specifi- future? Alternatively, he could cally, he’s from the area near book. Readers may recall that play the banjo part in “Come the National Cathedral, which he conducted an oral argu- on Eileen,” a la Professor Kim also happens to be where he ment for a real client during Ferzan’s rendition of “Heart- got married last year. one of his criminal law class breaker,” at Fauxfield 2019, meetings last semester. should any Law School-affili- 2 Of note, Professor Framp- ated group ever play that song. ton incorporates real-world, 3 Professor Frampton ex- *wink* current(ish) happenings into plained that he spends a lot class meetings and conveys of time preparing for class, at 5 I’m supposed to mention enthusiasm for discussing le- least in part because students’ that Kerfuffle FC defeated the gal and policy issues adjacent questions are “intellectually Law School’s team, Barristers Pictured: From a criminal law scholar to a banjo picker, Professor Frampton is multi-talented and a must-take-professor! Photo Courtesy to the doctrine in the case- exciting.” United. of law.virginia.edu. 4 Colophon VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 17 February 2021 LAW WEEKLY FEATURE: Court of Petty Appeals The Court of Petty Appeals is the highest appellate jurisdiction court at UVA Law. The Court has the power to review any and all decisions, conflicts, and disputes that arise involving, either directly, indirectly, or tangentially, the Law School or its students. The Court comprises eight associate justices and one Chief Justice. Opinions shall be released periodically and only in the official court reporter: the Virginia Law Weekly. Please email a brief summary of any and all con- flicts to [email protected]

1Ls v. God standing on the part of petition- got an easier journal tryout, the “UVA Law” and check through Conclusion 73 U.Va 16 (2021) ers. God reasoned that 1Ls can- ability to attend class from the the images—how far do you have Plaintiffs have a right to seek not possibly claim to be injured comfort of their bedrooms, and to scroll before you see snow?7 damages against God for both Tonseth, J., delivered the from the overbearingly cold, the opportunity to avoid all of Discovery has yielded testimo- injuries, and this court ought to opinion of the Court, in bleak, and grey weather lately. the embarrassing stories that ny from at least one Floridian allow their case to proceed. We which Birch, Querner, Wun- Nor have the large amounts of would result from one bad night who was told “you can make it cannot rely purely on sweep- derli, McDermott, and Luk, snow dampened their return to at Bar Review. It is beyond any through the winters here with ing precedent established three C.J., join. Lake, J., concurs North Grounds. However, God sense of reason to lay at their just a sweatshirt” and later had whole years ago. The Justices in part, dissents in part. forgot that “emotional distress feet the ability to enjoin God to chip actual ice off her wind- who wrote 1L Gunners are long Kulkarni, J., concurs in part, is a harm within the risk of at- for the snowy weather on North shield with an expired gift card out of touch with modern times, dissents in part. Schmid, J., tending school.”2 Therefore, I Grounds. on more than one occasion.8 and could not have predicted a concurring in part. find an injury in fact to establish Lake, D. concurring in part Whose Injury Is It Any- winter such as this. This Court standing, even if that’s a mere and dissenting in part. way? must let the 1Ls go. Justice Tonseth delivered prudential aspect of jurisdiction. Introduction Me. It’s my injury. I have been Kulkarni, S. concurring in part the opinion of the Court. Against the objection raised by We are ruling today on wheth- injured by the snow, and so have and dissenting in part. God that standing is a require- er or not to issue default judge- the Plaintiffs. Justice Tonseth Both of my esteemed col- I. ment of Article III, I rely on the ment against cold, absent Defen- correctly concludes Plaintiffs leagues appropriately recognize Sunny skies, warm tempera- first Petty Rule of Civil Proce- dant (hereinafter “God”) and in have an actionable claim against that 1Ls have standing to bring tures, and picnics on Cope- dure: “We do what we want.”3 favor of the well-prepared, de- God based on the extreme emo- this case. God is all-powerful ley Field. Abundant wineries, Again, standing schmanding, I lightful, good-looking Plaintiffs tional toll the weather has in- but justice ranks one step above. the ability to manage a proper Justice Lake appropriately rec- school/social balance, and a col- ever before has this esteemed Court ognized the emotional and psy- legial atmosphere. What do all of chic damages that Plaintiffs these have in common, you ask? had the privilege of deciding whether have sustained as a result of the These were promises made to "N action at issue, relating, in part, the current UVA Law 1L class at law students may enjoin God for preordained to the false recruitment strate- their admitted students weekend gies employed in the past year. to lure them into paying for an weather events, but no-one is above the law, not But even she fails to consider the overpriced Zoom School of Law emotional harm from losing the Degree. While petitioners here even God. " ability to see other 1Ls outside. have taken copious advantage want the power to hear this case (hereinafter “1Ls”). This collec- spired, but fails to mention the The Law School recommends of both the oversaturated wine and rule against the Divine. tive action has united a fractured psychic turmoil 1Ls suffer as a that interactions between stu- market in Charlottesville and III. class against one true adver- direct result of the Law School’s dents occur in a way that is com- relied on their classmates in the Like Lazarus rising from the sary—God Themselves, and the deceptive advertising practices. pliant to health protocols. Chief truest sense of the Law School’s dead, God decided to save his unconscionable weather They Plaintiffs have cited expert wit- among these protocols is a rec- collegial atmosphere, their claim best trick for last. Pointing to our have wrought.6 ness testimony in support of ommendation to meet outside, concerns the weather that has ruling in 1Ls Gunners v. Every- Facts their claim that this fraud was a at a distance. God is working overtaken North Grounds, spe- one Else, “1Ls always lose,”4 and It has been a long, long winter. matter of determinism, making directly contrary to these goals cifically the god-awful amount thus must do so here. While my Plaintiffs have borne a series of God directly responsible. (See: with extensive snowstorms and of snow recently. Never before 1L colleagues may wish to over- increasingly egregious slights Final Destination, 2000; David extreme cold weather. has this esteemed Court had the ride this rule as tyrannical, un- with grace: first the death and Hume, A Treatise on Human Beyond the level and scope privilege of deciding whether fair, un-collegial, mean-spirited, decay of Charlottesville’s lovely Nature, (1739)). of injury, the opinion of Justice law students may enjoin God for and the works, it is a keystone of foliage, then 4 p.m. sunsets, then Tonseth relies upon 1L Gunners, preordained weather events, but this Court’s jurisprudence. Fur- finals, then people saying “don’t 7 Really, really far. Suspi- a case that continues to misdi- no one is above the law, not even ther, in my reign of terror on this you love having seasons,” and fi- ciously far. rect this court. In addition to God himself. Although I relish bench, this Court will not imply nally bitter cold and gray settling pointing to this ridiculous prece- the power I have bequeathed that rights exist for 1Ls through over town like a blanket made by 8 This brave, anonymous dent, Justice Tonseth claims that unto myself to rule against God substantive due process.5 1L is someone who took up crochet to student is filing a separate avoiding “all of the embarrassing if I really wanted to, I must rule supposed to be hard. 1Ls already help with their anxiety and made claim against the lying liars COPA page 5 against the 1Ls on both substan- themselves hate-finish it. who lied to her. tive grounds.1 2 1L Gunners v. Everyone The record clearly shows II. Else, 324 U.Va. 22, 24 (2019). Charlottesville is a Southern city, Faculty Quotes At the outset, God, through di- located in a Southern state, sold vine intervention, has requested 3 Law Weekly v. CoPA to prospective students as an C. Nelson: "Mindless in- K. Abraham: "We went this suit be dismissed for a lack of Copiers, 369 U.Va 96 (2019). idyllic mountain retreat. Google vocation of dictionaries is from looking like a high only for trained textualists, school to looking like the nic- 1 This ruling may also be a 4 1L Gunners v. Everyone 6 Diddy Morris has cooled not for amateurs like Justice est airport you can imagine." duly-ordered penance for all Else, 324 U.Va 22 (2019). it on the survey requests, and Breyer." of the shenanigans I engaged the camaraderie she inspired J. Cannon: “The eco-golf in at Bar Review. 5 NGSL v. UVA IM-Rec has quickly dissolved. C. Barzun: “I have a sort movement has not gained a Sports, 73 U.Va 9 (2020). of zealous hatred for surveys.” lot of momentum.”

R. Harmon: "This should J. Harrison: "I'm sorry for be like breathing for you. shaking my finger at you." Virginia Law Weekly You breathe and you ana- lyze things under the Fourth Heard a good professor COLOPHON Amendment. Same activity.” quote? Email editor@law- Christina Luk ’21 weekly.org Editor-in-Chief S. Prakash: “We don’t have to and you can’t make Kathryn Querner ‘22 us! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.” Executive Editor Michael Schmid ‘21 Phil Tonseth ‘22 Jacob Jones ‘21 Managing Editor Production Editor Features Editor

Samuel Pickett ‘21 Will Palmer ‘21 Drew Calamaro ‘21 Columns Editor Special Projects Editor Satire Editor Kolleen Gladden ‘21 Raphael Cho ’21 Grace Tang ‘21 Photographer Cartoonist-in-Chief Foreign Correspondent Ben Stievater ‘22 Leah Deskins ‘21 Donna-Faye Imadi ‘22 Events Editor Professor Liaison Editor Current Events Editor Nate Wunderli ’22 Bill Re ’21 Amy Pan ‘22 Sports Editor Historian Lifestyle Editor Stanley Birch ’22 Marlyse Vieira ’22 Will McDermott ’22 News Editor New Media Editor Development Editor Michael Berdan ’22 Opinions Editor Published weekly on Wednesday except during holiday and examination periods and serving the Law School community at the University of Virginia, the Virginia Law Weekly (ISSN 0042-661X) is not an official publication of the University and does not necessarily express the views of the University. Any article appearing herein may be reproduced provided that credit is given to both the Virginia Law Weekly and the author of the article. Advanced written permission of the Virginia Law Weekly is also required for reproduction of any cartoon or illustration. Virginia Law Weekly 580 Massie Road Phone: 434.812.3229 University of Virginia School of Law [email protected] Charlottesville, Virginia 22903-1789 www.lawweekly.org EDITORIAL POLICY: The Virginia Law Weekly publishes letters and columns of interest to the Law School and the legal community at large. Views expressed in such submissions are those of the author(s) and not necessarily those of the Law Weekly or the Editorial Board. Letters from organizations must bear the name, signature, and title of the person authorizing the submission. All letters and columns must either be submitted in hardcopy bearing a handwritten signature along with an electronic version, or be mailed from the author’s e-mail account. Sub- missions must be received by 12 p.m. Sunday before publication and must be in accordance with the submission guidelines. Letters and/or columns over 1200 words may not be accepted. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions for length, grammar, and clarity. Although every effort is made to publish all materials meeting our guidelines, we regret that not all submissions received can be published. Wednesday, 17 February 2021 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Hot Bench 5 COPA continued from page 4 Seekers Solve Romanov Mystery: A stories that would result from one bad night at Bar Review” is Valentine’s Day Puzzle Review a benefit that has accrued to 1Ls Background: Coming up secretly escaped her family’s cover the answer and more this kind of puzzle with friends as a result of the tragedies of the on the one year anniversary captors in 1918 and evaded because we weren’t sure what in a *COVID-less* future. We past year. This one comment of COVID,1 my girlfriend and I execution, becoming the only kinds of solutions the puzzles felt that it was a game best shows how far my esteemed col- are still looking for new ways surviving member of the royal were targeting. Were we over- suited for two-to-four people. league has strayed from the pub- Romanov family. A group of thinking or would shining Any more than that, and peo- lic with his devotion to one bad Sam Pickett ‘21 Romanov relatives had a fam- your phone flashlight through ple get left out because not ev- case; I am sure that Plaintiffs Columns Editor ily relic, an antique box, that a random train ticket actually eryone can examine the puzzle would appreciate the opportu- they believed would reveal reveal some kind of hidden se- at once. Any less than two and nity to enjoy an event such as to entertain Anastasia’s secret location. To cret? you can’t rely on your super Bar Review. Rights are not abro- ourselves dur- open the box, they contacted But, when you think about smart girlfriend to solve the gated simply because of the class ing quarantine. the “Society of Seekers,” of it, how long would you re- puzzles that stump you. of people involved. We’ve been which we are now members. ally want to spend on a vir- Conclusion: We rate this In two years, Justice Tonseth to Charlottesville’s wineries And so we were transport- tual puzzle? Two hours was experience a 7/10. High points will no longer be opining on this and breweries, we’ve watched ed, via my MacBook Air, to about perfect for us. If we got were the well-made quality of court. In two years, I shall re- countless movies, and we’ve St. Petersburg, Russia, where stumped, there were options the objects/puzzles in the box, main steadfast in my devotion even seen the entirety of Sex we would have to solve a se- for a hint, and they would even novelty, affordability,3 and to the idea that 1L Gunners sets and City.2 And so as Valen- ries of ten puzzles. For each reveal the answer if you got feelings of accomplishment. bad precedent and all decisions tine’s Day arrived and snow puzzle we solved, we received desperate (we, as proud UVA Low points were it not being made following it should be held fell on the ground, we found an animal and a gemstone that Law students, refused to even that hard and no trophy at the void. a solution to our problem on would later help us discover consider this as an option). end. I love a good trophy. To conclude, Plaintiffs have TikTok: a Finders Seekers the numbers needed to open This ensured that we never --- an actionable claim and the mystery box. The box prom- the mysterious box. The puz- got too grumpy or mad at the [email protected] Court should allow the case to ised “abundant cryptic clues zles varied in difficulty and in game, which is important to proceed. and puzzles to get your heart form. In one, we had to cut out consider when doing activities Schmid, J., concurring in the racing and brain ticking.” In- designs in a dress pattern to as a couple. 3 The box was only thirty result. trigued, we purchased the “St. reveal the answer. In another, We had also wondered dollars. That’s cheaper than I agree with Justice Tonseth Petersburg, Russia” mystery, we had to analyze a program about the possibility of doing drinks and dinner for two! that 1Ls cannot be granted the where we would help solve for “Swan Lake” to find a hid- relief requested. I write sepa- a hundred-year-old mystery den message. Over the course rately to elaborate on two points. surrounding the royal Ro- of the ten puzzles, however, we First, I am troubled by the attack manov family and their well- were able to use almost every upon our bedrock principle an- guarded secret. method of puzzle-solving that nounced in 1L Gunners that “1Ls Description: The puzzle I had seen in a movie. I felt like always lose.” As my time on this opens with a letter describing I was in the DaVinci Code. Court is nearing its end, I strive our task. According to legend, Review: All in all, the puz- to ensure that stare decisis is re- Russian princess Anastasia zle took us about two hours. spected and our precedents are Finders Seekers was supposed not jettisoned willy-nilly by the 1 Not the anniversary of its to be the most difficult of the younger members of this Court. existence, but the anniversary puzzle subscription services, The rule articulated in 1L Gun- of when we actually began to according to reviews, but I’m ners has been a bedrock prin- take it seriously. And by we, not sure if we would agree. It ciple of this Court for as long as I mean those of who are not was challenging at times—we this justice can remember (read: conspiracy theorists. did use the “hint” button a couple of times—but that was COPA page 6 Pictured: The contents of a Romanov Mystery Box. Photo Courtesy of Sam Pickett '21. 2 Including the movies. less because we couldn’t dis- thing I always wanted to do. What has been your fa- nal justice system. Something LONELINESS HOT Where were you sta- vorite 1L memory so far? about bail or prison reform. tioned in the Peace Corps? Not school related, but I got If not law school, what continued from page 2 Ukraine, I taught English in engaged right before the fall se- would you be doing? BENCH a small village in Southwest mester started. We got engaged I think I'd be working for a be learned. However, that Ukraine. on campus, which was beautiful non-profit, doing some sort of feeling of loneliness which What was it like taking and it's really cool because we service work. That was always is fundamentally a part of the LSAT in Ukraine? both go to school here together. kind of my path in general. isolation is only exacerbated It was difficult because I had Wow! What is the story Last movie you saw in by the fears that you may intermittent Internet access behind that? theatres? have infected not only your and couldn’t buy books or take When we met we didn’t Just Mercy, Brian Steven- friends, but your communi- a class so I ended up only us- know that the other was going son’s movie. It was in Febru- ty. I do not believe that peo- ing used Powerscore books that through the application process. ary, right before everything shut ple already struggling with someone had already written It was on our first date that we down. COVID should, or need, to in and tried to study with that. found out. We just started dat- Last non-law book you feel that added guilt. The actual test was only offered ing knowing there were a lot of read? So please, if there’s any- Whitney Carter ‘23 once a year in the capital, so I unknowns with where we were Over Christmas break I read one you know in isolation or had to take an overnight train Gideon’s Promise, which is quarantine, just reach out to Interviewed by Jack Brown ’23 going to end up. Both of us in- and a bus to stay there for the tended to go to the best school about the Sixth Amendment them. See how they’re doing. Hi Whitney! Thanks for weekend to get there and take we could get into and since we right to public defenders. It all Ask if you could drop some joining us on Hot Bench it. I also took it on my birthday, had very different interests in tracks I guess! food off for them. That alone this week. Where are you which was kind of rough. the law we only applied to three I definitely think you’re will mean the world and from? How did you get interest- of the same schools. in the right place. show them that they aren’t Seattle, Washington. ed in Public Defense? Initially we were both going I know, right! alone and that they aren’t Where did you go to un- Brian Stevenson, who wrote to be in D.C., which was going How do you de-stress? ostracized. It’ll show them dergrad and what did you Just Mercy and is well known to be great because we’d both be I try to watch the trashiest TV that COVID is the danger, study there? within the public defense world, together even if we wouldn’t be imaginable. Right after finals, I COVID is the enemy, and I went to a school called Whit- spoke at my school. After that, at the same school. Then I got watched the Real Housewives not our suffering friends. We worth University, which is in I read his book and thought, in here, which was an incred- of New Jersey, which is my can still care for them, even Spokane, Washington on the “Okay this is super cool, I want ible opportunity I couldn’t turn guilty pleasure. from afar, and look forward east side of the state. It’s a small to do something like that.” At down. Luckily, right before we Do you have a favorite to their return. liberal arts college, and I studied that point, it wasn’t necessar- put down a deposit anywhere, case? Communications and minored ily public defense, but I wanted he got in here and it was like, Reiss v. New York—it’s the --- in Political Science. something where I could make “Oh my gosh, it’s all meant to case where her boyfriend threw What made you start an impact. Then, when I settled be.” Later we drove all the way lye in her face and then they got [email protected] thinking about law school? on the law I decided to go in that out here [from Washington] to married after that. Everything I graduated early. Going into direction because that’s what he move in and got engaged on the that happened around that case my last semester I thought, did. steps of the Law School. was absolutely insane. “Wow, I hate journalism, I do How has it been pursuing Okay now let’s do some If you could give yourself not want to do this anymore,” public defense at UVA? lighting round questions, one piece of advice what but it was too late for me to Initially, it felt very daunting. favorite food? would it be? change my major and still grad- It can feel like there’s a Big Law Thai food! The best advice I’ve ever uate early. So I decided to join push at UVA. But I’ve still been Favorite class from un- gotten was when I was fifteen, the Peace Corps to take some able to find my niche through dergrad? when my teacher told us to al- time to figure out what the next both PILA and LPS. I have International Relations, but ways surround ourselves with step was. While I was there, I mentors who remind me that it was really just because I liked good people. decided to take the LSAT be- law school is only a step in the the professor. Any shoutouts? cause the law seemed like a process and to remember why Class you’d want to Reidar and Weekend Thurs- place where you can make a lot you’re here and what your goal teach? days. of change and that was some- is. I'd probably just want to rant --- about the injustice in the crimi- [email protected] 6 The Back Page VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 17 February 2021 COPA ception [that 1Ls always lose].”11 To actually give some sem- continued from page 5 blance of legal analysis, I believe, since allll the way back to Fall in any event, that the Plaintiffs Cartoon by Raphael 2018). This Court’s former Chief have sued the wrong party. The Justice Shmazzle9 proclaimed party who controls the weather that the rule that 1Ls always lose in Charlottesville is actually the is the “second-most important person who sends the weather- rule of this court” behind the related emails to the Law School principle that “we do what we community: Dean Stephen T. want.” Such authoritative words Parr. As such, Plaintiffs should should not be cast aside so hast- have sued Dean Parr for any ily by the younger members of perceived weather-related griev- this court. Were we to overturn a ances. On either grounds, and “super-duper precedent”10 such consistent with this Court’s prec- as 1L Gunners, I have concerns edent, 1Ls lose. for this Court’s legitimacy. After all, the Court of Petty Appeals’ --- “power lies . . . in its legitimacy, [email protected] a product of substance and per- [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] 9 And Deposed Newspaper Tyrant. 11 I don’t think Justice 10 That’s the technical O’Connor would mind this term, right? paraphrase. Valentine's Day: Law

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Pictured: Heartwarming submission from Connor Kurts '22. Photo Courtesy of Connor Kurtz '22.

TIME EVENT LOCATION COST FOOD? Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.65) WEDNESDAY – February 17 SUDOKU 12:00 – Peer Advisor Application Zoom Free L 13:00 Information Session! 6 2 18:30 – UVA Law and the Federal Zoom Free BYOCFA 19:30 Courts 3 1 2 4 THURSDAY – February 18 11:00 – LexisNexis Office Hours Zoom Free L 14:00 1 7 6 UVA Law Dems: A 17:15 – Conversation With Sen. Zoom Free L 8 9 7 18:15 Sheldon Whitehouse ’82 19:00 – Therapeutic Thursday Zoom Free L 6 5 7 3 8 2 20:00 Yoga FRIDAY – February 19 t 4 1 3 Workshop on Race and 13:00 – the Law of Business & Zoom Zoom L 14:00 Finance 4 3 7 Nuts and Bolts of 14:00 – Clerkship Applications for Zoom Free L 15:00 9 6 8 7 o c k e 2Ls Innocence Project: 14:00 – 5 6 Investigating Wrongful Zoom Free L

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10:00 3 6 7 4 9 8 5 1 2 11:00 – Cybersecurity and 4 2 8 5 1 3 6 9 7

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12:00 Emerging Technologies 1 9 5 2 7 6 4 3 8 Tuesday – February 23 0.65) rating difficulty (Hard, 1 Puzzle 16:00 – Meet the Judges: Justice Zoom Free L 17:00 Monica Márquez 17:00 – Atlanta UVA Law Alumni Zoom Free L 18:00 Virtual Reception