from previous page Gus Smarrini's Team You don't know... continued from page I Talk is ideal for footy par­ You don' know what you've got ties and after match banter Of course, none of these foreign codes will create significant problems 1 - try naming the mem bers for footy in the short term but in the longer term - increased media til you lose it! EddieGreenaway of the One-Gamers team .. exposure and the onset of the global community - may mean that o try Hilton Kotsur (Swans) at child growing up in the Victoria of the next century will not hove the As Footyzine#4 goes to press the entire state of the game seems to be The defence of Football's Hadrions Woll is resting on the hopes of the full back and Rin a Pretto single dream of aspiring to be o Leag ue footballer (boys of course) or (Fitzroy & Oaklei gh) at full forward for starters or the Lucky 13's .. in flu x. Sh1nboners from North for bock to bock flogsand on the historically very following aleague team for life (girlsand boys). One day Melburnions yeah I kn owMi chael Lon g, but who remembers the numbers worn In the "expansion" centres of Sydney and Brisbone, crowd support for iffy shouldersof Geelong, St.Kildo and the lost fading Scraggers from the may have to put up with all these other iritating codes like those of us by big Ray Gabelich and Dick Leei My lave teams woul d have to be the Swans and the Lions, media exposure, the number of kids kicking Western suburbs. who live in the ouftands have to. the Geelong Reds for hum our and fo r poignancy, South 's Last footies around and the general interest of the overage punter in the Unfortunately for traditional club supportersin Victoria, the mop of boffie Swansong What's the answer? street is all booming. hos been redrawn - permanenrly. It is now otruly notional competition, Agreat littleready rec koner, you never know when thi s sort of In short, the future of the game lies in the hands of Victorians them­ The success of the Crows and the Power hos turned already fontotical in terms of structure and in termsof club strength, and public support. trivia wil l come in handy. selves from the average supporter right through to the Coaches and South Australia into osmelting furnonce of football euphoria. The only potential problem for the long term health of the game isthat Boardrooms of the traditionally powe~ul clubs. In the West, it's steady as she goes with The Eagles holding on to finals V1Ctono 1s still by ohuge margin thebreeding ground for league footbol~ ers ... ond the heartland of commercial and public support for the game. In some ways they may have to toke o leaf from the missionary zeal contention despite o huge injury toll and the Dockers threatening to HEATHENS make the grade ofter 3 seasons. So, the question arises, is AFL throwing out the baby with the both A documentary by Megan Spencer evident in the northern states where the Swans players for example The biggest area of concern seems to be in Mecca itself. Like Rome in water. Isit sacrificing the fertile delta of the game for the risky process of Review by Rachel Kerr conduct guerilla missions deep into Rugby League territory seeking young intensive irrigation in the for flung provinces? converts and importanfty the suppo rt of the mums. In NSW and Queens· decline, Melbourne sees itself as surrounded by fearsome tribes of Huns, Around three hundred million people in this world Football could not withstand o sustained Victorian backlash and conse­ land thousands of people wo rk for a pittance or for nothing at all, in Vandals and Visigoths descending from the North, the South and the speak English .. and it seems most of the rest West. quent decline. With. Chancellor Kennetts Bread and Circuses empire building attempt to -that is except if you're a footyfan - organisations like the QAFL and the NSWAFL, in public radio shows like at ofrenzy· V1ctono may soon see the intrusion of Rugby Union, Rugby Helen Meyer's on 2NBC FM and like the humble folk at Footyzine. All The brave standard bearers of the old VFL- Carlton, Essendon, Rich­ Genus: Sainter. mond, Collingwood, Hawthorn and Melbourne oreall spe nt forces, with League and ode-ethnicised Soccer into it's own patch. this for the love of the game. Type: Heathen. almost no chance that any will be around on that one day in September. continued on page 32 Why speak English when grunting expresses so So it irks when Victorian's throw glib accusations of trendy bond­ much more? And when a grunt doesn't, there's al­ wogoneering at fans in NSW and Queensland because we know what ways cunt. Wall-to wall grunts and cunts. The um­ it's like to go without. Trying to find an oval with four posts on it is nearly Kick on again at pires a big cunt. Tony Shaw is a short cunt. Daniher as hard as it used to be to find the Swans results in the paper and as Camperdown .is an ugly cunt. In a losing breeze everyone's a cunt hard as it still is to get on overall feeling of where the competition as o Yep! It's on again! Come on -except of course, Lockett who's the only cunt doin whole is at or alive brodocast of aSwans away game on "footy's home Trounce Harry's Retirement 'loon F/Cover down to Camperdown Ova l anythin. Chook, Barry, Justin and the rest of the ground". (Ma llett St, Camperdown) Mary Lou Thorp They Call Me Schnitzel 2 Heathens are a bunch of ordinary ugly suburban So when bitter and twisted Richmond fans (well known for their band­ for a kick 'n a yarn .... cunts - elevated only by their fanaticism for the wagon jumping) or unsuccessful Collingwood coaches winge about un­ Di Buckley Confessions of a Footychick 5 footyzine on sa le... footy ... snagger sizz le ... footy .... Saints and their ability to make 'fucken cunt' sound fair advantages for interstate sides - I'd like to see how Collingwood Humphrey B. Flaubert TISM Talking Football 6 like creative criticism. I love their plug-ugliness, Neill Jones The View From Bay 4 8 sweat ... footy ... $2 fans would cope with only three games of live football in ha~ aseason. Game 1pm , player rego from their singleness of emotion and the fixed stare of It's up to Victorian Ions to stop their mooning and support their clubs- Craig Nelson How to Play Footy l O fan hatred - it's primitive, honest and raw. 12.30pm - be early! pay the bloody membership, go the games and cheer · even if your Anton Hassel Illustrations 11 Saturday August 30 Five stars for the 5 cunts featured - now I under­ team only make the finalso couple of timesevery decade. stand what the F.C. bit really stands for .. . Terry O'Brien Remembering When 12 Tel: 9557 7929 fo r details Fickle fans and jealous backbiting may make some se~iig hteous Me~ Irwin Hirsh The Heart of the Matter 18 bourne fans feel smugly self-satisfied but it won't keep the Victorian FOOTYZINE #4 • Winter 1997 AFan What Napoleon Said 21 APOLOGY! pp24 l 2 l 8/0047 ISSN 1327-7030 clubs olive and of deeper concern to Ions all over Australia it just hurts Kellie O'Dempsey Illustration 21 OOPS! In last Issue, the story Club: Our Zine City, PO Box 199, Newtown 2042 the game. Team: Eddie Greenaway, Di Buckley, Angelo Co ll ins Craig John Wilson Instilling The Rules 22 about the Preston Knights, on So to all you Blues, Bombers, Magpies and Tigersfans - Get off your Cheers: U-Bute T Shirts, Anne Kyle , Megan Spencer, Ian Latham Canterbury Tales 25 I page 18 was wrongly credited. Anne Cooper, Craig Davis, the NSWAFL, our contributors, backsides and keep your team olive · just ask a Blood Brother or o The true author of this article is subscribers and advertisers, Daryn Cresswell and all Bloods. Sainter or Scroy Sister how they've kept the flame alive through dee· Stephen Marmo Anyone for Porridge? 26 I Michael Nichols of Heathcote, Cheer, Cheer the Red and th e White! odes of defeat · otherwise you' ll end up with one game of live footy Readers Mailbag 28 I Victoria. Stull-up #2 - the photos Website: www.documento.corn .au/ footyzine of Camberwell should have run Email: gome@onoustrolio .com.ou every other week and the odd footy show on TV at some obscure hour GBlessington-Hedge Esq. Letter to Wayne Jackson 2u with the actual article by S D Footyzine is created by footy fans - for footy fans. All published of th e morning ... Not to mention the regular humiliation of the Eddie Greenaway Printin' & Publishin' 31 Murphy! Our apologies, we still material reflects the views of its contflbutors and are not Squatocracy carrying out their blasphemous and deadly boring Thugby '--R_os_s _Ca_rn_se_w~~~~G_re~g_W~ill_ia~m~s ~'to~on:.:._~~~B~/~Co:'..'...'.'ver don't know how this happened! necessarily those of the publisher. Rituals on the hollowed tu~ of the G. 32 @ FOOTY ZINE @ loyalty is fast becoming athing of the past, afact alluded to by Gavin Brown himself. "At the end of th e (1993) season ... we foun d out abo ut the 'Sacred Ten, a !isl of ten players Collingwootl were not prepared to trade in order to get Nathan Buekley er Brett Chalmers. .. Wea ll had a bit of fun about it. .. but at the same time it was not the so rt of th ing yo u li ke to fi nd out about ... for the cl ub to do something like that was wrong. .. " Peter 'Crackers' Keenan on the other hand has been a bit of a football journeyman, starting with theDees , then apremiership with North , back to Melbourne and then ruck coaching at The Club, which is the basis of this book. Crackers tells a good tale as his media commentary proves week in week out and this book is agood yarn. As an outsider at Col lingwood , Football related publishing is booming in Australia. Not only do lll•A~fJlllllll!"" Crackers is able to look at the Mag­ we have underground fanzines like Footyzi ne, Marching In and pie world with greater objectivity Flying Penguin, but sales of the AFL:s Football Record continue than a born and bred son of The to flourish and there's also Inside Football, Westsi de Football , Club like Gavin Brown. He admires Football Plus and so forth. Even national glossy sports mags like The Club and admits to having a Inside Sport & Total Sport regularly attempt to cash in on the good time there, but he is aware interest in Australia's national game with the odd feature on one of that there is a world with in the the games superstars like Plugger or Nathan Buckley. world at Col lingwood that only the Football books are another major form of publishing and take a chosen may truly enter. number of forms, some topical - like Peter Lewis', The Convert, "Many people may di s­ which deals with the changing allegiances of Sydney sports follow­ ~~~rrril miss this as fanciful, but there ers, some are historical like 100 Years of Football , others deal with is an inner sanctum at the humorous aspects of the ll•lllll"liaiii•ll Coll ingwood which call s th e game such as Dave Warner's , shots .. . Leigh Matthews was never in the inner sanctu m .. . Footy Hall of Shame. Then of evena fter coaching the club to the premiership ... He worked course we have the most common for Collingwood , but he wasn't Collingwood - and believe form of footy book the auto/biog­ me, there is a big diffe rence ... there are unwritten laws on raphy. who's bo rn black and white, and who's manufactured black Of the four books reviewed and white." here - three take the biog angle These areboth good footy reads - I just recommend you read - Crackers Keenan 's, Ten Years them both to get abetter picture of The Club from within and without. in Black & White, Random Stephen Kernahan's story is more personal in naturethan either House, 1996. Gavin Brown's , of the two Collingwood books and traces the great centre-half for­ Collingwood Forever, lron bark/ ward from his earl iest days in Somerton Park, through hisdays with Pan MacMillan , 1997 and Glenelg and on to the Blues. Sti cks: Th e Ste ph en Kernahan is aloya l footballer in­ Kern ahan Story, Random House, 1997 . Whilst Gus Smarrini's, deed and even though I hate both Team Talk: The Book of AFL Trivia Team s, is ahumorous little his clubs I have to admit his loy­ book which lists teams of VFUAFL players grouped by categories alty to family, state and club is Two of the biogs deal with the League's most loved and loathed pretty commendable - then club- loved by their own army of fans and loathed by everyone else again, I suppose 3 premierships (they used to be feared as well) you know, the one David Wi lliamson isn't abad return and something and Paul Keating used to barrack for ... The Club. that another loyal great like Bobby Gavin Brown's tale is pretty standard fare. Boy grows up in the Skilton would trade his suburbs, ends up playing for the team he's barracked for all his life, Brownlow'sfor any day. All round Mary Lou Thorp wins apremiership and loses amate along the way ... straight down spo rt ing hero and good bloke - the line stuff written the way the guy plays. In these days of the na­ even if he does play for the old tional dralt however, such tales of suburban dreams and one club light blue's. continued over

2 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 31 Wh en I rang the Swan's and asked for an usually when the June draft was around barrackers armed inevitably with irritants such as radios, flags, plastic cups of beer, children and the like. 1 interview I had ideas of myself and they'd drop players off and pick players up understand that the smaller capacity of the proposed Docklands stadium will render it impossible to achieve Daryn having a soy milk eccochino and from around the state, and I was fortunate an equivalent degree of civilised space. a chat in an Oxford Street cafe or going enough to get picked up. From various disparaging reports and comments regarding the VFL Park site I gather that for a bit of a stroll through Centennial ML: How did you feel when you played some people regard the venue as a difficult place to which to travel. Surely the presence of a modern freeway Park while Daryn pointed out hardy your first AFL game? which runs from my own compact but tasteful home in Malvern to the very back door of VFL Park is more perennials and such. The interview was DC: My first AFL game was against Perth than enough to refute such arguments. When traffic on this freeway has occasionally been slightly greater in granted but, much to my dismay, I had to in West Australia. My first game in Sydney quantity than is usual, my man-servant Roderick has proved himself most adept in his chauffeurial role at meet Daryn in the bowels of the SCG, the was a lot better than my first one in Perth negotiating for us a swift and steady path to the car park, whether the vehicle in which we journeyed was the 'cos I never got a touch so ..: ha ... the glorious Bentley of more prosperous times or the humble bubble-shaped motor car of Japanese origin to players' rooms, on a Thursday afternoon before training. Feeling more than a second one was a bit better and I managed which I have been reduced by the ravages of ill-fortune in my business affairs. to stay on, so yeah, it was good. It was little awkward 1 arrived at the desig­ One advantage claimed forJhe playing of AFL football at the Docklands is its close proximity pretty high intensity compared to where I'd to the city destination of the lines of the suburban rail system. Short-sighted observers have contrasted this nated time, but no Daryn. I wandered come from in the TFL, so ... very nerve position with the absence of a railway station in the immediate vicinity of VFL Park. Rather than viewing the down the corridor and was greeted by racking. inability to travel by rail to VFL Park as a negative factor, I submit that it only increases the attractiveness of the sight of Plugger on the rubdown ML: Do you get back to Tassie much? (At the stadium or the more desirable consumer. As a rule those who through necessity or personal preference table ..... I didn 't know he had a tattoo this point I should mention that I grew up w uld reso to public transport to attend a football match, or indeed a sporting or cultural function of any there! I explained my mission, and in Tasmania. So when ever Daryn gets a kind, are o the type of people with whom a discerning clientele would wish to be associated. Therefore, it Plugger, with much delight, told me to touch of the ball I used to always yell out can be co cl ded that measures or circumstances which ac s a barrier to the moronic train-travelling hordes ask Daryn why he was called Schnitzel. "Tassie Boy!" Now of course I yell ill enc urage the righnort of individual to patronise an '

30 @ FOOTY ZINE ® 3 DC: Well I've just signed for three years for me now, and I used to employ Stuey here now. so if they get a side within the Maxfield, blokes like that (Stuart Maxfield Mr Wayne Jackson Dandenong Road next three ye_a(S. ... no, but after that I'd walks pasr; ha .. but they v e t- pret y 1ef Executive uicer alvern look at going back down there. ordinary. It's been pretty hard with footy Australian Football League ¥ietoria J~44 and that, to do the gardening but it fits in GPO Box 5275BB March 1997 ML: They 're talking about getting a team pretty well now, like you work your own Melbourne up by the year 2000, and that's in three hours, so it works out pretty good. Me and Victoria 3001 years time, so you never know. You used to Jason Mooney are in partnership with our be known as a wobbly shot for goal, how own business so it's good. did it feel to be written up in the papers as Dear Mr Jackson a poor kick? ML: I've just got one last question ... why I have been most disturbed at the content of recent reports emanating from tele sion and do they call you Schnitzel? radio stations and newspapers regarding the likelihood of the AFL disposing of its impressive premises in DC: Ha! Down in Tassie I was known as a shocking kick and then some commentator DC: Ha ha ... Schnitzel? (laughs) That's .. . Mulgrave (commonly described in the 1990s as Waverley Park, although proud traditionalists like myself during the year said I was a good field ha ha ... that's a funny thing that...um ... ha .. . are wont to refer to the structure as VFL Park) in order to arrange for a proportion of its scheduled matches to be undertaken at a new stadium to be constructed in desolate environs somewhere to the west of the City's kick. My conversion rate was pretty good ML: Yeah, I can tell. up until last year, where I struggled a bit central business district. While both the quality and the tabloid elements of the media are prone to errors of for goal. I just sort of missed a few early DC: There was this guy called Tony fact and judgement in their reporting from time to time, the consistency and intensity 9f reports on this and it was a confidence thing, where I just Plugger Howard Lockett and .. um .. he subject would suggest that your fellow good AFL commissioners and yourself are indeed seriously wasn't confident shooting for goal. Then I looks a bit like a crumpled up schnitzel and contemplating this extreme and ill-conceived course of action. spent a lot of time, up near the end of the ... ha ...they reckon ... um ... I'm his twin You may express some surprise that a gentleman of refined tastes su~h as myself is season, coming into the finals and in the brother, so that's how it came about, I commenting favourably on a stadium located in the blandness of outer subur an anonymity. I will concede finals, I ended up kicking 6.1 so ..... I came think. that for many years my preference, indeed my exclusive custom, was to enjoy the spectacle of football from right at the right end of the year, I think. the elegant surrounds of the MCC members' enclosure of the Melbourne Cricket Ground, just as my father As Daryn goes off to get changed ML: Yeah, you sure did, because that all and paternal grandfather had from their own early boyhood. changed with the final against Hawthorn, I realise that I'll have to walk through However, the right of MCC membership demanded by my breeding was cruelly and when you kicked the winning goal. What the changing room to get out, and that unreasonably taken from me around twenty-five years ago, following an unfortunate incident which became did you do to improve your accuracy? as most of the team wandered by while subject to gross misinterpretations. Even today, to once again traverse the territory of the occurrence is too we were talking, they're probably in painful a journey for a sensitive and educated individual like myself. Suffice to say that I have never DC: I just looked at some old video tapes wavered in my belief that the immediate corporal punishment I meted out to the insolent teenager, who of when I used to kick goals before. When there. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a hot blooded woman who loves to watch demonstrated his total unsuitability for the position of waiter in the Long Room by attempting to pour from I used to be pretty straight and used to kick a bottle of the finest cognac into a glass clearly designed for no more than the serving and consuming of an more goals than points. My whole tech­ a good game offooty for a whole ordinary dry white table wine, was entirely justified. A number of authorities, ranging from the committee of nique had changed and I wasn't getting variety of reasons, but I just don't feel the MCC to the Victoria Police and eventually an industrial tribunal of dubious legitimacy, chose to accept over the ball, I wasn't kicking through the comfortable about this situation. the boy 's unreliable and slanderous claims and to ignore the integrity and appropriateness of my own ball and I sort of spent a lot of time then Maybe I could get used to it, this is my trying to change the way I used to kick. I actions. first time after all, but for now a hasty had a hundred shots at goal nearly every As a consequence of the untimely termination of my MCC membership and an associated second night and it just turned around for escape is in order. Paul Roos appears, biased court order preventing me from frequenting the Jolimont area, I was forced to look elsewhere to me ... the confidence. my knight in shining armour. "What's satisfy my craving for the manly and wholesome delights of VFL football. My attention turned to a new the quickest way out of here?" I stadium the VFL had constructed in the grazing lands south east of our fair city. At first I was ML: So practice makes perfect. implore. Solemnly he directs me and understandably apprehensive at the prospect of venturing to such a distant and unfamiliar location where I DC: Exactly. my heart sinks. Eyes down, blinkers on, would have to assume a place in the gallery much as an ordinary football supporter would, sometimes in the I make a dash for the open spaces of company of a foreign species, the resident of the outer suburbs himself. ML: I believe you do a bit of gardening After a few tentative expeditions I came to appreciate the rustic comforts offered freely at Moore Park. Schnitzel may be Arnold when you' re not playing footy. VFL Park, and now, many years after the consummation of this relationship, my affection remains Schwarzenegger's favourite food but DC: Actually I've employed a few guys undimmed. The vast capacity of the stadium means a gentleman can spread himself and his hamper of around the club. Scotty Direen, who works just for now I'm not all that hungry. provisions out as he pleases, without being compelled to share a row or section with obnoxious lower-class

4 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 29 0 Confessions of a Footychick The telephone rang at 7:20pm. Di Buckley "Di, it's Ange!" i Greg drops the phone onto the floor as usual and Idrag E-MAIL Dear Eddie, my stoned body off the couch and answer drowsily "Hi, Ange ... " Subject TV COVERA~E Date: Tue, 20 May 1997 Just a note of thanks for the copy of 'Footyzine' I received She shouts over the raucus mob at the pub, "Di! How Sick of Channels l's coverage of the footy? Putting on the lost week. I really enjoyed it and, having scanned many of soon can you get here? There's a ticket for you! We're at Swans game on Saturday up against the FA Cup being the the great soccer fanzines during visits to London, was the Bat and Boll. You'll be sitting with Sol, in the Bradmon - latest example of programming genius. You could watch the heartened to see something of similar style developing here. on the bacony -front row!" game live if you were in Canberra or on the Gold Coast but Also, having recentiy accepted a sports writing job with "Phuck! You ARE kidding!" I'm gobsmacked! .,,., Sydney Morning Herald, Iwas reassured to see such a "No! Come on, snap out of it 'n get your ass down not in Sydney. They are the Sydney Swans, after all. All we 1••• - got was a movie so old that you'd have to be senile to publication emanate from Sydney. Ihod assumed moving here!" ,1 ~il\ .. remember it the first time round. Umpteenth repeats of Get north meant a near permanent se~-exile from Australian Islam the phone down, "UNROOL!" I shout to Greg, Smart, when we could be watching live footy, is a common football which, to me, hos always been as much about the who's glued to his computer screen in our frontroom home­ \ pre and post game banter and long-winded analyses of the office, "I'm going to the game I" and I race up the stairs to occurrence. Here's a plan that's being hatched in our tipping grab my scarf and coat with the energy of half a football comp, if others are interested. It involves a consortium to buy games' minutiae as it is about the actual matches team. The minimum amount of Channel 7 shares and sending themselves. But 'Footyzine' hos restored hopes of finding The B&B was packed with footy fans, spilling out onto ground. We were all shouting somebody to their AGM. Niggle value. The more groups the some genuine die-hards up there. the street, merging with the many already on their way and banging on the balcony signs like mad. better the effect would be. If enough people are interested Again, congratulations and Ihope to see you in the Noble across the road for an early seat. Inside, tucking into a few On several occasions, Iwas positively dizzy the cost would be minimal. Maybe there will be dozens of Stand when Imove up there next year. full-strength brews before the game, were gathered the (maybe it was one of those racehorses guerilla groups out there to sabotage those inconsiderate Regards, faithful. Sol was already warming up the vocal chords with still kicking!), and had to keep sitting bloody programmers. It could be worth it and may even be a Richard Hinds low and soulful calls of "SYYYYYYYDNEYYYYYYYY" and the down for fear of passing out. bit of fun. (almost formerly of 'Sunday Age' sport), Melbourne vibe was electric. One drink down and we' re off! Acouple of The game was_a nailbiter from start racehorses passed around on the walk, and we' re set to go to finish . There were moments of brilliance This message was posted onto anewsgroup on the Internet -it PS: Hope this doesn't sound patronising, but the journalist in inside, for the game of the season, Swans VBombers! in play and there was umpiring from hell! Kickett, Maxfield, lasted about 3 hours before somebody PING'd it! -Ed. me can't help getting off just one pathetic, narky little Our seats were fantastic! As we were lifted into the O'Loughlin and Roos, all having a tough time, shone against criticism. If you happen to speak to Terry O'Brien, author of liquid moss of excitement swelling around the ground, their opposites, with many a goalward kick by the Bombers the splendid piece "Don't Be a Dawk" tell him you don't someone tied two red and white streamers to the balcony being smothered or intercepted. Sheer Bliss! The game was need any mere interstate clubs to get a majority at the AFL and the breeze held them in front of our eyes, creating an non-stop, action and excitement, PLUS there was that commission. On most issues, you actually need a 75 percent obscure focus on the enormous red, white and green ethereal moment, at the end, when Plugger kicked a point vote AGAINST the commission to overrule a decision and, panorama spreading out before us. on the siren and everyone knew we had won. with the votes of the interstoters already in the commission's There were shouts and squeals of triumph over the SCG It was an explosion of elation. Tears flew in all pocket, that just won't happen. And, of course, that doesn't Members, when -yes -they too joined in the Mexican Wove, directions as heads swung left and right in disbelief then matter anyway because the Victorian clubs hate each other so that it dominoed its way twice around the ground . The reassurance from their kin. Essendon fans were mortified, cheers and chanting rose to a mighty roar when the Swans their faces held in incredulous wonder at the hard-battled-for for more than they hate the Eagles or the Swans and they broke through their banner, everyone shouting for their result. The grandstands jumped and bounced with glee and will always vote against each other out of sheer spite, thus favourite players, and boomed again when the siren cheers of "We won, we won!" dividing the mythical Victorian "block vote". Just ask announced the bouncedown. Trying to get on a bus to Easts was almost impossible, North Melbourne, who were done over by their so- Sal was an integral part of the vocal show of support so we hopped a cob with a stranger, who turned out to be a E- called Victorian "brothers" when they tried to merge from the well-rewarded fans, regularly starting the famous league man, attending his first AFL game! ~p..Q with Fitzroy. Which is exactly the sort of backyard slow chant, (or the fast one!) in her deep and loud voice, "Not anymore, mate," he swore, "this IS the greatest scrap we like down here . that seemed to carry, then be carried around the whole game of all!"

28 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 5 Geelong; The ever newsworthy Gary breasts of a fellow nightclub patron. Ablett also would have made a fine Port Adelaide: Too short a Humphrey B. Haubert Coll ingwood player after his many time with the big boys, but 'nightclub incidents' as they are t JU5t lo alf Talks football commonly known. their Hawthorn: Lethal Leigh supporters Footy is not a social event. Footy is not a day enj oy a brief moment in the sun. It's these non­ Matthews is the only man on this list anyway. out with the mates. Footy is not about queuing experts, along with loudmouthed supporters who who faced an assaul t charge while Rhmd up for a beer, even if it means missing the start of criticise their own team fo r not "kicking it long", play ing a game, despite receiving The Tigers the quarter. Footy is not about going "woof' or blame the umpire for every achievement of some vigilante like retribution picked up whenever C hristou kicks it, or "Roos" whenever the opposition, who join the ranks of the most from Tim McGrath. Jason Roos goes near it, or "Ossie Ossie O i O i O i" or hated - that being, of cour e, the oppos ition. Melbourne; Rod G rinter Baldwin from "Doggies - woof! !" or "Ball!! Yes !! " or any other There is a pecking order of course. Some teams was bated on the fi eld anyway, Fitzroy this year phra e from the book fo r people who have an are hated by all, such as Collingwood, largely for but after he stole a kid 's bike just to ge t a intense fear of thinking for themselves. Footy is their supporters' mythological belief that while in Tass ie, he had no player in here. about arriving at a game with an unsettled, Collingwood is somehow more than just another place to hide. A special Jason thought he AFL team, Carlton for their Liberal Party uncomfo rtable, nervy bi liousness rising in your mention to Robbie was a rock star stomach at the possibi lity of victory mingling moneyed image, Adelaide fo r their non­ Flower. He might not when play ing the with the poss ibility of defeat, which, apart from a authentic, loaded-dice, anti-Victorian orgies at have been charged, but Swans in Sydney las t brief distraction whilst you marvel yet again at Football Park, and West Coast fo r their face less, we all know adultery is year and took to the amount of gnarled misshapen- headed, brutal aerobics- instructor-robot players and their a sin. people there are in the world (the only other familiar style of opening a match with a flu rry of throwing furniture out of North Melbourne; Although places you get to see them are on the non. ­ goals kicked by some snivelling chinless front­ his city hotel. sleeping carriages of interstate trains and outer­ runner, generally unattended in the goalsquare, the Krakouer boys had a sixth sense when South Melbourne/ suburban Sizz ler restaurants), turns into a white­ fo llowed by a deathly boring grind with your play ing with each other, Jimmy certainly made Swans: We had to import a knuckled fear as the game progresses and any team almost, but never quite, catching up for the up for his twins' lack of criminal offences. Can't Kilda player to ge t a scenario other than the fo llowing occurs:- your rest of the day. These are all truly hateable, easy think of too many players to surpass gue rnsey. Pure (Blood Stained) Angels team kicks ten goals to none in each of the fo ur to direct one's pent-up frustrations towards. But Jimmy's carnal-knowledge charges us Red & Whites. quarters, holds the opposition scoreless until the I'll tell you who really deserves everyone's hatred and his ultimate trip, St. Kilda: One of my all time dying minutes, and none of your players goes - the people who have introduced MARKET­ transporting a car door favo urite players, Robert 'Mad Dog' down with a knee injury. Given the frequency ING into this game in the last two decades. lead of Muir has a charge sheet as long as his with which this occurs, footy is largely about Indeed, this disease has spread to every conceiv­ report sheet. You name it, Mad pain. Another emotion that features heavily is able area of top-level sport in Australia. Don't across Dog's punched it. blind, inconsolable hatred - not the showy, "we'll mistake this last comment as some kind of sad, the Peter Everitt's pot-in-the-face all be mates in the pub afterwards" variety, but a Ludite reaction to anything new, some kind of Nullarbor. of a copper early this year also quiet, barely expressed loathing that sits deep in farty old desire to bring back the days of Mopsy 83 2 weeks continued the long- held the soul and festers for years, unable to be Fraser muttering "this is it, son" to Ted Whitten is some Saints tradition. exorcised. It comes from watching your team as he approaches to calculatedly deliver the suspension West Coast: C hris being beaten. It comes from regularly seeing hospitalising blow. No, this is simply a recogni­ hey Jimmy? Mainwaring gets a go fo r other teams have the last laugh. It comes from tion of the fact that sporty marketing in this New recruit years of building oneself up to pounce upon the country seems to be in the hands of people who his drink-driving Martin Pike gets slightest poss ible sign of future promise - such as don't know much about sport, and thin, the offence, as does G len in the North the Reserves having a win - and with the eighties were groovy. Fear seems to have been Jackovich. That's unflagging dependability of night fo llowing day, AFL marketing's sole motivation - A pant­ pantheon after about it fo r the watching that promise slip away to the tune of wetting fear caused by some long- lost statistics allegedly shooting a­ some other hated team song. It comes from that predicted the rise in popu larity of basketball girl in a bar after the reading your team patronisingly dismissed in the amongst the youth of our nation. "The youth of state match in Adelaid e press. It comes from listening to the smug but our nation will defect to basketball !!" cried the recently. ultimately vacuous carping of supporters of AFL power-mongers. So, bring in the marketing Wan( king) Carey also regularly successful teams, who are fond of the man who comes up with the brilliantly blindered faced the ultimate tribunal expression "out of the woodwork" as some kind solution of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and after he squeezed what he of pathetic defence to throw you whenever you suggests everything short of actually making the thought were the undersized

6 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 27 Stephen Marmo foo tball spherical and hoop-bound, to turn the cricket fo r shit's sake. It's the most quintessen­ AFL into the NBA. So we see the insidious tially un-American sport there is, and yet we find emergence of the phrase "The Sydney Swans" to ourselves calling the Queensland Sheffield replace the unmarketable "Sydney F. C.". The Shield team "The Queensland .. . (can you blind U.S. apeing is nauseating enough, but there guess ... go on ... ) BULLS. Yes. When I think of is a more sinister reason lurking at it's core. Queensland, I think of that particular animal Suddenly, AFL merchandising appeared with immediately. And "The Victorian Bushrang­ team badges which featured the phrase "The ers"??? What's fucking wrong with "THE With the almost unbearable propos ition of including the infamous Jimmy Buckley who has Tigers" in much larger print than the word VICS"???! ! That is a great nickname, full of "Richmond". Why? Well if we can just get the Tony Lockett adding porridge to his already had a few run ins, including the culpable arrogance, catchy, and not to mention the fact kiddies to call their favourite team "The Tigers" that every single person in the country knows fo rmidable diet (salad sandwiches in batter are driving charge he faced in the 70's. then they won't mind as much if their team's full exactly what you're talking about. But is reportedly his health food) , the mind turned to Carlton's recidivist ruckman John 'Big N ick' name is "The Richmond - Hawthorn - Mel- the problem that you can't get other VFL-AFL foo tballers who have fa llen foul N icholls had an 'innovative' approach to bourne - St. Kilda - Footscray - North Mel- ...."-.~ some tosser to dress up in a giant business dealings . of the law over the years. • bourne Tigers", will they? What more proof do ·V :Vic" and ponce around the Adelaide: Pretty boy Modra has Jon Dorotich also gets a guernsey fo r his you need of the complete inappropriate- ._\.\~ ground having mock fights experienced the dementia which foo tball ers Mardi Gras style trip down Royal Pde with one ness of AFL marketing than "The ~~ with the other team's seem to suffer from when travelling on planes. particularly pertinent appendage hanging out West Coast Eagles"? Sorry, but a,.~ · ~ tosser? Right, well that's He didn't go in the slammer, but he at least got the window try ing to be "pulled" back in by his have you ever heard of '\~,,' OK then. And the onto this list. A lso has had trouble finding a hand. anyone say mg they '\~' bloody netballers are urinal when in public it seems. A special mention too fo r fo rmer coach Ian come from the \.t\/ ' doing it, and the Brisbane: Well half the old Fitzroy club Stewart who managed to get a cop's arm caught "West Coast", ~~ bloody national now plays with them so they can take the pride in his car while fl eeing from an imminent without d ~\) soccer league is from the old Lions who managed to turn the traffic charge, while dressed in drag. doing it­ idyll ic paradise of Bali into a war zone For some Collingwood: Too many boys have done the soccer! ! ! ! A Melbourne girls who took to video taping the King St thing to be listed here, but: The most "'"i\.\P code that boys winding down after their final year in the high profil e offence committed by Magpies produces AFL. would have to be the Dennis Banks/Darren ally such Carlton: Along with Collingwood, the Millane bus hij acking. sport­ fan- Blues have had their fa ir share of naughty boys Their legendary Pres ident Jack Wren ing an tas- (immortalised in Hardy's Power without G lory) Ameri- would have made a wonderful 'Don' to his can accent? And fledgling Pies. you'd have to Essendon: One of the doyens of convicted work hard to foo ty club crim's has to be Des Tuddenham. come up with a ; , names There was never any shortage of Coke/Fanta less American ~ as "Sheffield cans (although you couldn't describe them as mascot really, .,ft-~ "' ~ ;.; Wednesday", cold cans) or tyros when Tuddy was at the helm ~· '" wouldn't you? IF the ~/,b~~"' "Heart OfMidlo- _• .,.P ~ ~"'.-. at Windy Hill. Eagles weren't such a ~._v...,.P ~~,,.,,.,. - thian" and "Kickers ~' ~...-•.,.p .,.. Footscray: The whole club had an hateable team on their ~... ~.,...~~";;..,..- Offenbach", and the best we interesting end of season trip to the Us in the own merits, they'd be ~~.._ ~ .,-.. .;..;" can do is "The South Melbourne SO's which culminated in the infa mous plane number one on the list anyway ~-$>- "':;· 't'- .... ~ Lakers"??? And just what fashion guru ride home. Hostesses were heard to say the fo r representing everything ,. ~#:.. <>1 ~.;...o'.,; has been responsible for the designs of AFL CRIME BOOKS ~ · ~~,. - ...... stress of flying was nothing compared to seeing unimaginative and short-sighted "b.,., pre-season guernseys? Even the so- called 85 GLEBE PT. RD. GLEBE NSW 2037 red, white and blue guernseys press ing the about marketing. They should be ,<*'" mighty Collingwood, with the tradition that they PH: (02) 9660 66 71 FAX: (02) 9692 9060 hostess button. called "The Marketing Opportunity Ea­ must constantly remind us of, allowed some MONDAY - FRIDAY I OAM - 6PM Fremantle: The illeg itimate heir to the gles". Either that or just call them "The Chicago genius to send them out looking like a cross Bulls" and get it out in the open. But it hasn't between a bar-code and a pre-seventies T.V. test THURSDAY I OAM - 9PM British throne Scott "Prince" Chisholm only stopped at foo tball. Every goddam sport in this pattern. Why? Marketing, of course. Have a SATURDAY IOAM - 7PM SUNDAY I IAM - 6PM just snuck on this list recently after he left a punter eating through a straw fo llowing a country has fo llowed suit. Even cricket. new des ign every so often an li ttle Johnny wi ll 126 GREVILLE ST. PRAHRAN VIC 3181 CRICKET!!! Americans don't understand bug his parents to buy him ...... oh, fu ck it. PH: (03) 9510 6661 FAX: (03) 9510 5666 dalliance in a Perth bar.

26 ® FOOTY ZJNE @ 7 Neill Jones le The Vievv From Bay 4 This speech was given by Ian Latham, Deputy Mayor of Canterbury .Council, at a Council Reception held during the I don't know anything about opera but I at the Gaelic players and some of the Swans week of the grand final 1996. least know that Figaro had tickets on players. The kick off involved both the himself if the rendition prior to the Swans vs oblate spheroid and the spherical ball and "There are moments in history when we city of Canterbury: who learnt the bounce of West Coast game is any indication. This was won by Wayne Carroll. Geelong are called fo rth to defin e ourselves , to test the ball at a local oval. And Canterbury perhaps is the only thing I have ever learnt proceeded to thrash the Swans. our courage, our principles and our should be pro ud of him, and of the team. So from pre-match entertainment at the footy. compassion. These moments are placed on G reg Stafford, as the ball bounces fo r the first In fact it is hard to recall many occasions During this phase I also saw the Swans • the record of history so that our gods and the time in the huge expanse of the Melbourne when the pre-match has provided any feature as the between innings unborn can judge us for posterity. These are C ricket Ground; remember that our hearts entertainment, let alone had any educative entertainment at a day night one day moments when we are called to account, to and our hopes are with you. " value. The question of why you need any cricket international. The Hill crowd, miffed show our colours: to stand up for what we pre-match or half time entertainment at the at the absence of the PAL Superdogs, believe. And one of those moments will Post Script: footy is a moot point (as opposed to a hurled abuse at the Swans while they went occur on Saturday. And so we were robbed of the fl ag. But rushed behind) but the pre-match and half through some fairly tame training routines. we'll be back, and next time we'll win. The time entertainment since the Swans moved I've never watched footy at Victoria Park For there is a time to sow, a time to reap, Victorians will complain and the game wi ll from Albert Park have, like everything else but I got a sense of what it must be like. a time to sit quietly and a time to stand and grow. For in this second century of to do with the club, gone through some cheer. There is a time to barrack and that Australian foo tball, the game stands at its fairly distinct phases. The Disney on Ice Phase time approaches. Because this Saturday is strongest, a game of democratic principles, a Like just about everything else to do with that time: a time when the mighty Swans ga me of great pass ion, a game that sy mbolises The Mr Gaspo Phase the Edlesten days this phase is best wi ll be called to be tes ted by the nouveau the great struggles of our times. As Manning This coincided with a personal sitting consigned to a toxic waste dump out riche of N orth Melbourne. And if there is Clarke once wrote "it can make an aged behind the goals phase. Much of the pre­ Homebush way. We didn't actually see any justice in this world, then the Swans will professor, a doubter about everything, believe for match was provided in the form of the Disney on Ice, but some days it went pretty eat those Roos. For these Swans are a team of one moment that if life brings such pleasures Sydney Football League match of the bloody close. The Little League kids were champions: a team that has beaten the best there must be some sort of meaning somewhere, round . It was de rigour for people to wander out and Medical Centre kitsch was in. The and made this city proud. or maybe such pleasures are so intense that for a onto the ground over to one of the huddles on ly thing missing was medical certificates And in the centre of this crowd of moment one stops the search for a meaning." and listen to the spray from the coaches. for everybody if the Swans won by three champion stands a giant: a resident of our Ian Latham The advantage was that it was possible to goals or more. I try to blot it out but get in for nothing on the outer ground occasionally I wake up in a cold sweat and passes they handed out at school and then yes - the SCG is a sea of pianos belting out jump over the fence and sit in the Sheridan some sub Lloyd-Webber crap. stand. Once the SFL game was out of the way it was generally a case of playing Up The lasting impression from the Disney on Hidden in this photo are there for Sydney a few times and wheeling Ice phase is , of course, that of the the Mayor Kayee Griffi n, out the balloons to be released while the Swanettes. There are two aspects of the the Deputy Mayor Ian teams ran onto the field to roost a few Swanettes period that fascinate me. Firstly, Latham , Mrs Stafford souvenir footies into the crowd during the who was that guy who escorted the and Staff himself a t the warm-up. Occasionally there was Swanettes around in front of Bay 4 on their 1996 reception. something a bit different - one night game way to the stage in front of the O'Reilly You pick 'em! Tell us against Geelong featured a game of stand? It is hard to describe what this guy who's who in this pie and modified Gaelic/Australian Football looked like but if you imagine Joe Hasham you might win a copy of between the Australian and Ireland under circa Number 96 appearing in a Kelly More Than a Game - the something's followed by a kick-off between Country commercial (which are always on essential club-song CD, courtesy EMI .

8 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 25 the scrum, he can shout 'air' and the bully from Chapter V of Thomas Hughes' TO M during the footy) you'll be pretty close to the copulate, nor simulate copulation, whilst on breaks up. BROWN'S SCHOOLDAYS. A stirring mark. The enduring mystery about this guy the field. We recently came dangerously account of a sixty a side match, the book was is what his actual role was in the Swanettes close to such a situation when the possum, The ball seems to spend a large machinery part minder, part stylist, part which masquerades as a Kangaroo, made a tremendous influence on young men in amount of the time invisible to even the confidante, part choreographer? Great a cross species pass at the Swans mascot players (one role of the 'fl y' is to tell his team both Britain and Australia in the 1840s and mystery number two about the Swanettes prior to the North game. I haven't actually mates where the ball is). As one observer the impression it made throughout the is why they never made it for the first half of seen that much pre-match this year but I do put it, the game "should be seen to be Empire cannot be overstated. In Hughes' the games which started at 1 pm . There think that the Andy 500 deserve three votes properly understood, and also, perhaps, seen description one can discern elements of must have been something in the contract for their best on ground performance earlier that said "Under no circumstances will the in the season. They are pipped as the all to be believed". modern rugby codes, and of Australian Football. Swanettes appear before 2pm on a time best at an SCG footy game by Paul HARROW football on the other hand Sunday". Half time would come around and Kelly and the Messengers who played is more familiar, being the precursor of, and The game was played over fo ur or five the Swanettes would appear, with Joe before the farcical state of origin played in primary influence on, Association Football days, with two goals deciding the match, and (Kelly Country) Hasham hovering to make the pouring rain at SCG late in the Disney (or soccer) . The Harrow ru les provided for was abandoned after three days if still sure that they made it up onto the stage. on Ice phase. NSW beat the Vies and it Never a word of explanation. was great to be able to cheer Billy an 11-a-side game on a rugby sized rectangu­ scoreless. The field of play was vast but Brownless but nevertheless it was a bit of a lar fi eld, with throw ins and offside. The rectangular, and there were two or three trees within the field of play (which were used The No Frills Phase farce. game was controlled by umpires who had tactically by astute players). The goals were In many ways these were the best years - sticks (for pointing), but no wh istles, and the the Little League made a stunning re­ The Future like modem rugby posts, but points were on ly although a kicking game like soccer, the ball appearance. The Little League with it's I'd encourage Footyzine readers to forward scored by kicking over the crossbar. A is not spherical but oval, closer to that of the mandatory little kid with blonde hair, their suggestions to these pages. My view touchdown scored no points but gave a free Australian Rules than the Rugby ball. wearing number one or two, with shorts from Bay 4 is that the promotional wizards 'try' at goal. Smaller boys acted as goal down to his ankles and socks up to his in the Swans hierarchy need to keep in The ball is moved around the field by keepers and stayed behind the goal line to armpits who struggles to get a kick and mind that the best pre-match has human way of moving rucks, though the ball can fling themselves on attackers, or to touch the then attempts the lap of the SCG. In the scale. Grand final entertainment is always only be kicked fo rward, and is dribbled ball down before the oppos ition. post Edlesten days, when the Swans often shocking if you 're at the ground but upfield in the pack. Whenever the ball is looked like they were wandering around the generally looks bloody fantastic from a T he action was centred in a vas t caught from a kick, a player may shout 'yards' kitchen trying to find the Berocca, there helicopter when you pick up the intricacies upright scrum, the fo rwards (known as the and the game stops while the player takes a were times when I took solace in the fact of what the kiddies wearing primary colours 'fighting brigade') attempting to get the ball free punt (what we would call a mark) . that sometimes the red and white team are actually doing. The promotions gurus out to the 'quarters' who would kick fo r actually won the Little League. should be looking to anything that gets Though the ball is too heavy to head, position. The ball could be 'marked' if taken people at the ground involved and it can be propelled by the shoulders (called direct from a kick, and the infa mous (and The Cygnatius Phase engaged. I th ink they should spice it up a 'fo uling', though it isn't an infringe ment). somewhat apocryphal) moment in which I hold no views on club mascots beyond the continued over page firmly held belief that they should neither Like early Australian foo tball, the umpires Will iam Webb Ellis is sa id to have picked up are only called on to adjudicate in disputed the ball and run with it (thereby single illo by ross carnsew matters, and because 'fair play' is of the handedly inventing the modem Rugby utmost importance, most matters are settled codes ), was probably a ball taken as a fa ir amongst the players. catch and instead of marking (i.e. taking a Goals are scored by kicking the ball free punt at goal) Webb Ellis moved off his between two upright posts (though there is mark and ran with the ball. Most versions of no cross bar) but points are only scored if the the story suppose that the game was played ball goes between the posts, not above them. like soccer and Webb Ellis 'handballed'. In fac t handling was normal in the Rugby The first ru les of the RUG BY School school game, and therefore h is flouting of the game were approved in August 1845, perhaps ru les was not as revolutionary as it seemed (if the best account of the game can be gleaned in fac t it ever happened) .

24 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 9 from previous page ball was kicked over 'worms' without fo rwards ('heads') attempt a conversion fo r a being touched by a defender it was worth two further points. The defending team lines - - bit with some liberal SIJI t'les--ef x-, e ints. If touched by a defend r, or up in the goal mouth and three members of religion and politics. Billy Graham holds the hitting di.e end posts or upright , it wa the a tta-Gki g o behind the other. ground record for the MCG so why not, say deemed a behind and only worth 1 point. At make a violent rush in an attempt to get the for Sunday games, wheel out some revival this point the defending side had to punt the ball into the goal. preacher for the pre-match? Imagine the ball out and if returned by the opposition spectacle of mass choirs and a fire and The ball can not be heeled backwards untouched by a defender, then a further two brimstone sermon to get the crowd worked in the 'bully' . This is known as 'furking' and points were scored. up. It could only work in the Swans favour is penalised by loss of possession. to have some religious zeal infect the There were three fo rms of foo tball The ten-a-sid e Wall Game is one of crowd prior to the bounce. On the political played at ETON: the wa ll game, the field the oldest fo rms of foo tball, but it did not front I would suggest a debate, facilitated game, and the extinct Lower College game, by a moderator acceptable to both sides, exist until 17 17 when the wall which all originating in the middle ages. The fi eld on one of the big issues. This will get separates the school from the Slough Road game is eleven a side and played on a people thinking at the footy and I would was built. The first (and still incredibly rectangular field with small hockey type argue that the best pre-match should complicated) rules were put on paper as late goals. A distinctive feature is the tightly inform as well as entertain. Possible topics as 1849, only 10 years before the Australian packed scrummage (known as the 'bully' ), might include the Republic or perhaps "is game, and a year after Association (soccer) Up in the Ruck consisting of 16 of the twenty two players, the recent Government criticism of the rules were codifi ed at Cambridge University. High Court justified?" There are a myriad moving like a roving ruck or maul in rugby. of topics crying out to be debated in the The game is played on St. Andrews Up in the ruck, is where the big blokes play. T he ball must be gotten out to a 'fl y', outer. And , finally, to sex. Sex at the Day, and the play ing field is narrow, bounded who kicks for position. Soccer style pass ing football is fine, so long as it doesn't involve If a game was for them, it would take all day. on both sides by walls. One goal is a tree and is not allowed, but the ball is moved around club mascots. Tottie Goldsmith could be They lumber along, just to be there the other a doorway, and the bully move the by dribbli ng, kicking and trapping with the roped in to tackle some of the sex and ball along the wall with their feet using their When an umpire throws the ball in the air. feet (not handling or catching). lifestyle issues of the 90's. Tastefully, of hands fo r leverage. The ball may also be course. Players could be involved - either The 'bully' then mass around the dribbled by the bu ll y, or kicked to the 'fly' in pre-recorded segments (filmed pretty Where they vie for the tap out, against the other side, trapper, and attempt to rush the ball in who punts fo r position. A player with the early in the week for obvious reasons) or another ruck. Points are scored by ge tting utilising injured and unselected players. And winning this duel is a cause for pride. ball cannot touch the ground with any part The sex theme is ideally suited to the The aim is to tap it to one of their team, the ball into the goal (rare with such small of the body except his hands and feet. The Friday and Saturday night games- the Which they hardly ever manage, easy as it seems. goals) or by touching the ball over the goal game is often bogged down in the bu ll y, there lights could be dimmed to create the mood line, called a 'rouge '. The fo rmer is worth 4 is little movement and goals are few and fa r and the grand finale could involve the points and the latter three. After a between. If a player is suffocating at perennial crowd favourite - fireworks. The rest of the time they' re looking around, rouge , the scrum the bottom of Wondering if they' re al the right end of the ground. A final thought for the marketing and promotions wizards - people love getting Akick behind play is what they call this ploy, things. I am appalled by the Big Mac give And pulling down screamers is what they enjoy. away for all sorts of reasons but I'll concede that a lot of people love it. The absolutely best non-footie entertainment Built rather awkward, mostly elbows and knees, I've had at the SCG was standing around They' re prone to wander wherever they please. waiting for a big bloke to kick a football straight onto my chest. So instead of giving They're the 'tall timber' and the butt of pranks, away Big Macs can't we go back to the Alikened to the brightness of two thick planks. teams running out and roosting footies to all parts of the ground? Now if they onl_Y. combine that with religion , sex and politics.

10 @ FOOTY ZINE @ 23 Craig John Wilson The first positions from a whole field of poems by Craig Nelson with illustrations by Anton Hasell INSTILLING THE RULES Footy is aclassic game, agame of strotegem, ustralian football is rooted in the past - were all products of the English public school Based on agreat dichotomy, the creed of Us and Them. Brownlows', Grand Finals, great blues, system. There ore no halfway measures, it's block or white. Aand memorable marks. But it's roots These are the rules of football as stretch back to the playing fields of England played at the major English public schools, Either you're on our side, or you're looking for a fight. and when Melbourne Grammar played some of them to this day. Decide for yourself Scotch College in Yarra Park in 1858, they how closely they are related to a Saturday's were largely playing to ru les passed down events at the MCG or at a muddy country from their schoolmasters, who had oval. themselves been educated in the British Isles. The Rover The WINCHESTER game has been When Rugby School educated played beside the River ltchen since the 16th Thomas Wills and his six committee men sat century, in both 15 and six a side variations. That little bloke, he's called a rover, down in May 1859 to draw up the rules Conducted on a long strip of grass bounded And you have to keep telling him over and over, which became the Australian code, they by netting and ropes, the game kicked off to consulted the existing rules of Harrow, Eton "Pick up yer man, pick up yer man", the sound of the Chapel clock (which had Because his favourtte position is in front of the stand. and Winchester, and adapted them to no face , introducing a certain element of Australian conditions. The first ru les were uncertainty into the game ). open to interpretation, and the size and That's where the crowds are and probably his folks, shape of the play ing area, or the type of ball The game consists of two scrums was left to chance or expediency. It was not ('hots'), though instead of pushing up into And he likes to show off, like all little blokes. uncommon for a round ball to burst during a their team-mates back, the fo rwards push He shows off with speed and consummate skill, game and be replaced with an oval footy. against the bottoms of the men in front. And will do almost anything to get hold of the pill. Ashes best and fa irest winner for the 1932-33 To onlookers, the early Australian season, Douglas Jard ine, was captain of the game resembled the rucking and mauling of school 15, and as his biography says, "The He runs up and down, all over the ground Rugby Union, and was not the free fl owing middle man in the front row was called game we know today. Football in the late A~d of his ~wn voi~e he loves the sound~~- "O.P." (Over the pill), and the man ' Gimme, gimme, gimme,' all day long;W"tt _,. , 1800s had yet to fully define itself, and as immediately behind him was known as "Up late as 1877 Carlton could play Waratah, a Arse". Is where the record's stuck in the rover's song. \ ~i NSW Rugby team, at both codes. I . The object of the game was to get the The primary influences on early ball over 'worms', or the goal line, by getting He scouts around packs and hunts for crumbs, t Australian football were the wide open the ball out of the hot and kicking it. There And gives cheek to ruckmen, who he reckons are dumb. ~ : spaces of Melbourne, the short working week were two types of kick, the 'flyer and the You can forgive the lairising and social transgressions, 7 and relative abundance of leisure time, and 'ownside'. The first could be kicked to any an education system which encouraged the height, but the second not above shoulder As long as he gets his share of possessions. building of Christian values through sporting height. A player catching a ball had to 'bust' endeavour and the principles of fa ir play. or punt the ball within two strides, and could Politicians, churchmen and schoolmasters only be tackled while in possess ion. If the

22 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 11 Terry O'Brien A Fan Remembering When WRJ\T %po/eon )]\ff)= Memo: Wayne Jackson · :l eadmg Stuart Coupe's story m the nowhere as good as Dutchy, [ hasten to add. I last Footyz me bought back saw him play in the East Launceston Subject: Port Adelaide's entry to the AFL • memories of my fo rmative years of premiership side - there may have been more foo ty. I too used to go to the NTCA ground to than one premiership side but that's all I Woz ! What the fuck were you dreaming about? watch East Launceston play. The difference was remember. Oh and don't give me that it was that humbug Oakley's doing . that I didn't go with my fa ther. I played fo r my high school seconds. Along with a couple of mates, I would slip Among the sides we played against we re a You're the man now! Didn't you explain the rules? through a hole in the fence into the wood yard couple of country sides who didn't have a firsts The rules! The rules, you know -the rules . We let you into next door, go down and climb the fence where team and consequently dominated the comp. the competition, and the scenario goes: you win a few games, tops! Keep the we had the covering protection of the toilet The logic of it escaped me then, as it does now. supporters amused. Delusions af grandeur. That sort of stuff. block, and go to watch the game. These days I We used to play on these frosty grounds, often Look at the West Coast. At least they had the common decency to wait eight years before like to think that our enthusiastic support made at nine in the morning - just there to break up they pinched a flag and even then during the lean years when the supporters bleated they did to up for the lack of payment. I'll bet I didn't the ice for the seniors, it seemed. There are coaches what Joh Bielke-Peterson did to the English language -slaughtered em! think that then. I reckon I got off the various reasons given fo r Tasmanian foo tballers' adrenaline buzz as much as the game. ability to maintain their foo ting in the most And the Bears/Lions, Waz. There's a role model if ever Isaw one. Those were days when hand balling was atrocious conditions, one of them being that Got dealt the Keystone Cops, drafted Laurel and Hardy, got tinkered with by a glorified hardware usuall y, but not exclusively, used as a defensive they frequently play on boggy grounds. If that salesman, picked up as a hobby by one of the white shoe brigade. tactic, (hand ball your way out of trouble), drop were the only reason most Mex ican foo tballers At one stage an owner/ selector was masquerading as a poor man's Howard kicks were a feature of the game, and Bobby should be able to walk on water. Take it from Hughes! What about Adelaide you ask ? Skilton's stab passes left bruises on the chests of me, if you have ever slid across an ice patch on Well, Waz, Adelaide were dyslexic. They understand now though . team mates. In those days you had to play in uneven ground at nine thirty in the morning, Follow the rules to the letter. pos ition, (how do they know where to kick to if sleeveless jumper or not, beli eve me you learn you aren't where you're supposed to be?). You to stay on your feet. No, the Swans don't count. They've been breast fed for too long. didn't get dragged fo r that sin as there was no I recall my best ever game of footy. It was If you don't believe me, just ask your mate Oakley. interchange, just two reserves, so if you went off aga inst one of those country sides, C ressy. In As for Fremantte. They' re like a screw loose, ding bat second cousin you couldn't go back on, but maybe it was no the first quarter - and these were of ten minutes that's only just been allowed into the dining room to eat with game next week. It was a time of player loyalty duration - I got twelve kicks. No hand passes; I the grown ups. to clubs. Often they would start playing with didn't need to ge t myself out of trouble. The But Port Adelaide, they're different. As Darryl Kerrigan from the juniors, work their way up to the seniors, ball had my name on it, I had it on a string, the and finish their careers at the club they started ball just fo llowed me wherever I went. O ne of the film The Castle might've put it "They don't understand with. I remember the hullabaloo when Ian those days. Then I got my first experience of it's not only a team. It's a club" Stewart left the Saints for Richmond - he was being tagged. In the second term the oppos ition And therein it lies, Woz. They' re a club, a traditional club the first player to win a Brownlow at two clubs. coach put this bloke, their centre-half back, with a hundred and God knows how many years of history. The clamour in the Press could be heard at the onto me: he was about six inches taller and Look Woz they've already won four on the trot. Jesus! South Pole. three stone heavier than me - mind you, it That was s' posed to be their year's total! I recall East Launceston had a player named wouldn't have been difficult to find someone What's going on? "Dutchy" Holland. Imag inative with their nick that description - and fast to go with it. It was names, weren't they? He was small and skinny my first chance to learn about "dirty" tactics. If it only took those pests from the west eight years ...... : · and played on the wing. That's where you You know the ones, the little pushes at God help us! played when you were thought to be too small opportune moments, standing on toes, and all What did Napoleon say? to be a rove r. I was short and skinny, still am, that. The sort of things that were easier to get "When China wakes the world will tremble! " and like Dutchy played on the wing. I was away with when there was only one umpire.

12 @ FOOTY ZINE @ 21 While Seven is devoted game time is still to play. Anyway, the plan worked. My brilliance was effectiveness, but our centre-half fo rward got to the countdown clock it With the countdown clock, curbed. I did have a couple of hand passes that six goals - and all of them after quarter time. I also has a policy that it time-on happens throughout quarter. guess we won the tactical battle. Oddly enough, I sw itched wings when we came back on the I can't remember who won the game which doesn't have to be shown a quarter and not once 20 ground but, predictably, my opponent fo llowed. means that, probably, we didn't. on every match. The minutes of real time has By then I had one too many of those little That was, near enough, my last game of directors on the day have elapsed , ie: whenever the pushes in the back. We were running after the footy. At the ripe old age of sixteen I hung up been given the authority not clock is stopped. ball at fu ll pelt and he was slightly in front of the boots. Leaving school meant the end of to use the thing if they feel its It is not true to say the me . I hit him with both hands just below the organised sport. Often happens that way. The non-use is warranted. From countdown clock has never elbow when he was wrong footed and sent him next time I got involved in the game was over my observation this authority been used at an VFL/ AFL flying about ten feet through the air. He got a twenty years later with Sydney Uni when they isn't applied too often, but game. In Round 8, 1996, free. That slowed h im down a bit but didn't had a Sydney Football League and Sydney when it is taken up it is on Fi tzroy won its first match of stop him. Next time he tugged on my jumper I Football Association side. Time keeping, fell into him and somehow my elbow running water, goal umpiring - if I really had to. games which are close. This the season. Late in the final t is interesting when placed quarter Optus fed the connected with his solar plexus and we both The SFA team fo lded after a year and I did the went to ground. Now he was keeping one eye time keeping fo r the SFL team. I also had a year next to Seven 's reaction to countdown clock to a on the ball and one eye on me. We finished on the committee. people who complain about section of the crowd. When about even that quarter. In fact we finished the That was the year we were pushed into the the countdown clock, Seven's Talking Footy match on about par with each other even SFA because we couldn't guarantee we could because it is the close showed the footage of though it meant trying to limit each others regularly field an U nder N ineteens team. We games which give rise to the Fitzroy fans at the ground complaints. counting down the final ten Sometimes Seven's non­ seconds of the match, use of the countdown clock Malcolm Blight was moved isn't complete. Footscray to wonder how the fans and Hawthorn played a knew the final si ren was ten draw in the 4th round of the seconds away. 1996 season. Seven didn't Meanwhile back in the show the countdown clock 4th round of the 1996 in its replay of the match that season ... Sydney defeated even ing. Richmond by a point. When Unfortunately the ir good the graphic told the intention was defeated by television viewer that there Ian Robertson's commentary, was four seconds left to play for Robbo kept on referring Tony Lockett was kicking the to how much time there was ball to space. The following left to play. night on Talking Footy Seven's commentary Seven showed that passage, team often crea te problems and over it we had Bruce in other ways. From time to McAveney telling us that time, and always late in the "Tony wouldn't have any quarter a commentator will idea of how long (there tell the te levision audience was) to go." that the game is "now into There is a great level of time-on". This doesn't make irony attached to all this. But sense when sitting next to a I wonder who notices. clock telling us how much

20 ® FOOTY ZINE ® 13 know that there was ten more talking about the 1989 have to rely on someone seconds to go. Grand Fina l, the chap from deciding to tell it to me. Over the years Channel Seven butted in and sa id that Seven took a basic part of Seve n has defended the ir use he knows all dbout the being at ;he ground of the countdown clock by Geelong/ Haw thorn Garnd glancing up at the pointing to basketba ll . But Final He's obviously sensitive scoreboard - and applied it there is no comparison as a about that game, for his tone to their broadcast. It shows clock showi ng haw much of voice suggested that he is how they've taken the game, game time still to play is sick and tired of hearing as it is played and watched, shown at the basketball about it. Instead of arguing and applied it to their stad ium - the players use it in that the countdown clock is a broadcast. An appropriate their play, and the spectators terri fi c addition to their use of tech nology. sometimes join in, coun ting broadcast of aussie rules The countdown clock is • down the final seconds of a football , he shou ld look at inappropri ate use of game. I'd imagine that since w hy people use the 89 tech nology since it doesn't tell the 1996 Olympics, the Grand Final in arguments the television viewer anything Seven sporting executives against him and w hat that about the game being have added hockey to the ir game says about the nature played. In fact the justification. But in doing so of sport and sport cou ntdown clock changes the they probably ignore, for broadcasting. game; people use th e Sydney has been run, both financially and in would have lost points in the seniors if the U- convenience, the way the At its most basic level the example of the 89 G.F. l 9's forfeited. Parramatta fo llowed us into the administration, by the NSWAFL which also spectators at Atlanta's sports watcher gets a better because the tv viewer and SFA after starting the season in the SFL. That oversees footy state wide. There is an advisory O lympic hockey stadium deal by being at the event those at the ground saw a left a nett loss of one team as Balmain had board comprising of representatives from the would countdown the final than by sitti ng in front of the different finish to the same come up from the SFA. A year later SFL . C raig Davis, the NSWAFL General seconds of each match. Had television. At the ground you match. The critical point is Campbelltown, arguably the strongest of the Manager, describes the NSWAFL's relationship th ere been a cou ntdown have an unrestricted field of not that Seven has been SFL sides, left to play in the ACTFL; not with the SFL as a "dictatorship" but he says the clock next to the MCG vision and an immediate feel provided access to the because they couldn't field the U-l 9s, it must clubs are happy to go along with it. From the scoreboard on that ANZAC of the day's conditions. On timekeepers' clock but that be said. That left the SFL as a seven team comp outside it and the board seemed to consist which I considered to be an indictment on the large ly of ex-footballers - admittedly some Day Grenvol d would have television the field of vision is the timekeepers' clock is not kicked the ball lon g and not restricted , what you see town's top league. pretty good ones - and ex-patriot Mex ican displayed at the ground. This The year before, at our AGM, we had a businessmen who remembered the game as it wasted time by runn ing w ith based on decisions made by is a point which cannot be representative of the SFL address us, and he was when they played it and didn't see any the ball. Had there been a someone else and you have emphasised often enough to told us that this is what had been decided. need for change. Perhaps that is being unfair to countdown clock next to the no idea, for instance, if there Seven 's sporting executives. It They had thought of everything - it's always a them, but perceptions are perceptions. Maybe, MCG scoreboard North is a strong or weak w ind , or is not enough for them to worry when people say that - including running in reality, at the time there was no need fo r Melbourne fans would have if that w ind is going across or point to basketball as some a separate U-l 9's comp. The trouble was, in my change. Things went on, the game at least counted-down the final ten down the ground . What this sort of precedent; all that opinion, even if they had thought of everything survived in the Harbour City. seconds of the 1996 Grand means is that at the ground shows is that they haven't that perhaps they didn't think it through. I still Now there is a need for change. There has Final. you are better able to get a watched basketball telecasts wonder if they considered the long term been some and there will be more. The director of Seven 's feel for the game, the tactics too closely. implications of their decision. The current AFL directive is that the football covera ge was on employed and how the game Australian Rules Football is What is good enough for the AFL reserves comp will cease in 1999 which means ta lk-back radio a year or two is flowing . Televis ion makes played to a clock showing apparently wasn't good enough for the SFL. the Swans reserve players will be in the back. He sought to imply that up for this gap by using more how much real time has These people may know more about football domestic comp. I don't think that I would get those people w ho compla in than a si ngle camera, acti on elapsed si nce the start of the than I do but, to me, the traditional way may any arguments if I sa id the standard of play in about th e countdown clock replays, commentary and quarter, not a clock showing not necessarily be the best way in what is still the SFL is not at the level needed to make are stick-in-the-muds who are graphics. This year Seven how much game time is still not an Aussie Rules stronghold and in the these players competitive when they step up to an ti-progress simply for the has put the score into the top to be played. Until the Nineties go ing into the next millennium. the AFL. This problem would be further sake of being anti-progress. left hand part of the screen ; it cou ntdown clock is used at Since the SFL went broke in 1986 Rules in exacerbated if we get a second Sydney based W hen one listener means I can look at the score the ground Seven should stop telephoned in and started when I want to and don't using the damn thing.

14 @ FOOTY ZINE @ 19 Irwin Hirsh team. O ne of the options is setting up a state If this sounds like me pounding the pulpit league but the logistics, let alone the costs, again it is becau e I want to see the game would be seem to be too big a hurdle to over prosper in Sydney. The local game has fo llowed come. According to Craig Davis the preferred the fortunes of the Swans in recent times but option is to se t up a "Premier League." I'm not this cannot always be so. There are now more The Heart of the matter sure what that would entail - he wasn't about to player registrations across the Sydney region tell me. The good news is, though, that a task than there were two years ago, but this is less St. Kildo players, Whitten Geelong 6 points down I force is being set up by the AFL to look into than it was fifteen years earlier. The AFL it would've calm ly told us that turned to my friend John and the options avail able to improve the game would seem, recognises the need by se tting up the St. Kildo players' tactics said that there was enough Sydney. I eagerly wait fo r its recomendations. the aforementioned task force. for eating up time were time for Geelong to win the At least one change to the SFL has been the They need the Swans fo r a national correct. And four, or five , or game. Cameron's goal was move from Under 19's to an U -18's comp and competition and the Swans need a good local si seconds before the siren the eleventh for the quarter as of this year there are, along with the SFL base. There will need to be a sound one of the three would've and I figured for a fair t clubs, three non-SFL teams in it. One is the infrastructure on which to build the game announced that St. Kilda amount of time-on. Newcastle Central Coast Hunters, another is which will require astute administration at all It's a passage which gave were the 1966 premiers; not Meanwhile people watching the Monarch Blues, the Campbell town juniors levels. And, I dare say, money and a fa ir bit of rise to phrases like 'I tipped as a piece of speculation but the match on television were (the travelling to Canberra was telling on the it. The success of this venture, in part, will be thisl ' and 'Hit the boundary as a fact. seeing a different game. younger players) , and the Western Jets, a team measured by the level of public support it gets. I li ne! ' Why? Through the ir. coll Mike, They knew that there wasn't representing the Seven Hills Bombers from the would like to see fans turning up to local games In September 1996 The Butch and Ted described the enough time for Geelong to Western Suburbs. They were running, last time and enjoy a high standard of football for years Sunday Age ran a two page dremo of the match. And port hove two more scoring shots. I looked, first, sixth, and seventh respectively to come. While I'm in evange lical mode I article on the call. Why? of tha t dra a was

18 @ FOOTY ZINE @ 15 OK GUYS!!! lT1S TIME TO GETSERIOUS ...

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