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Off with Their Heads! the Untold Story of the Queen of Hearts ​

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Off with Their Heads! the Untold Story of the Queen of Hearts ​ ♥♦ ♠♣ ​Off With Their Heads! The Untold Story of the Queen of Hearts ​ Dramatis Personae Song List Characters By Scene Act 1 Scene 1: It’s Not Easy Being Queen Song: “The Quintessential Qualities of the Queenly Queen of Hearts” Scene 2: Turtle Soup Scene 3: The Queen’s Buns Song: “Bake It Off” Scene 4: The Mad Tea Party Scene 5: A Caucus Race! Scene 6: The Scene that totally isn’t inspired by Current Events Scene 7: Making a Mockery of Things Scene 8: Constructive Criticism Scene 9: All on a Summer’s Day Song: “Off With Their Heads!” Act 2 Scene 1: Alice! Scene 2: Sock it to ‘em! Scene 3: It’s all in the Execution Scene 4: Something about Heads Song: “Off With Their Heads?” Scene 5: Alice - Madness Returns Scene 6: Oh what a lovely day for playing Croquet Song: “Croquet till you Croak, hey” Scene 7: Axe.exe has stopped responding Scene 8: Trial and Error Scene 9: It’s Tea-time Song: “About Time” Song: “The Final Song” 1 Dramatis Personae In order of appearance, ● The DODO ​ ○ The properly speaking narrator of our tale. ● The CHESHIRE CAT ​ ○ The grinning narrator of our tale. ● The SIX OF HEARTS ​ ○ A denizen of Wonderland, and fan of the Great Wonderland Bake Off. ● The NINE OF CLUBS ​ ○ A denizen of Wonderland, and concerned mother. ● The FOUR OF SPADES ​ ○ A denizen of Wonderland, and enjoyer of cucumber sandwiches. ● The WHITE RABBIT ​ ○ The announcer of the royal court. ● Regina Cora, The QUEEN OF HEARTS ​ ○ Kindly ruler of Wonderland and all those whom within it reside. ● The ACE OF SPADES ​ ○ A royal advisor with the style of an irritating businessperson. ● Baron von TOP TRUMP ​ ○ Pompous and intolerant agricultural advisor to the Queen. ● The KNAVE OF DIAMONDS / HEDGEHOG 1 ​ ○ The brains ● The KNAVE OF CLUBS / HEDGEHOG 3 ​ ○ The brawn ● The KNAVE OF SPADES ​ ○ The cleaner ● The KNAVE OF HEARTS / HEDGEHOG 2 ​ ○ The face ● The MOCK TURTLE / the MOCKING TURTLE ​ ​ ​ ○ Not actually turtles, all played by the same actor. ● Regina Gemma, The QUEEN OF DIAMONDS ​ ○ Friend of the Queen of Hearts and baker of buns ● The MAD HATTER ​ ○ Not the Joker ● The MARCH HARE ​ ○ A very loud and “British” lover of tea ● The DORMOUSE ​ ○ A sleepy mouse who lives in a teacup 2 ● Treasurer UNO ​ ○ Treasurer for the House of Cards. ● TWO OF SPADES ○ A gardener ● FIVE OF SPADES ○ A gardener ● EIGHT OF SPADES ○ A gardener ● ALICE! Song List ● “The Quintessential Qualities of the Queenly Queen of Hearts” ○ Act 1 Scene 1 ● “Bake It Off” ○ Act 1 Scene 3 ● “Off With Their Heads!” ○ Act 1 Scene 9 ● “Off With Their Heads?” ○ Act 2 Scene 4 ● “Croquet Til You Croak, Hey!” ○ Act 2 Scene 6 ● “About Time” ○ Act 2 Scene 9 ● “Don’t Lose Your Head” ○ Act 2 Scene 9 3 Act 1 Scene 1: It’s Not Easy Being Queen Enter the DODO and the CHESHIRE CAT. ​ DODO Good evening, good evening, one and all. It is most splendiferous to see all of you here this evening for yet another tale of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I’m sure you’re all sitting comfortably, so without further ado, let’s begin. Send in the White Rabbit, would you and let’s get on with it. CHESHIRE CAT Actually, Dodo, that’s not the tale we’ll be telling this evening. DODO What? But this is Wonderland, we must be talking about Alice! CHESHIRE CAT Yes, yes, Alice’s tale is a fantastical one, but there are other tales to be found in Wonderland. DODO Who made you an expert on this? CHESHIRE CAT I am a cat, you know, we’re very good with tales. Now have you heard the story of the Queen of Hearts? DODO The Queen of Hearts, the blind fury tyrant of Wonderland? How could I forget -- she nearly had me executed: you too for that matter! CHESHIRE CAT Yes, yes, Dodo, I remember, but I also remember what she was like before she grew so … DODO Wicked? 4 CHESHIRE CAT Well, yes, but I mean before she became so... DODO Twisted? CHESHIRE CAT Well and that but I mean before she was... DODO A massive bitch? CHESHIRE CAT Before she was so angry! Come, Dodo, allow me to explain. Back before Alice came to Wonderland, everything was ruled by the House of Cards: a monarchy that had been stable for years but grew weaker and weaker at its foundations as corruption spread throughout the court. Nevertheless, the House and all of Wonderland was ruled by a woman beloved by all: the Queen of Hearts! The DODO and CHESHIRE CAT exit and the stage rapidly fills with a pack of cards as a fanfare plays: the SIX OF HEARTS, NINE OF CLUBS, holding a baby (the Rules of Bridge), and the FOUR OF SPADES all assemble in quite an excitement! Song: “The Quintessential Qualities of the Queenly Queen of Hearts” In which the CARDS extol the many fabulous qualities of everyone’s favourite monarch. SIX OF HEARTS She’s coming! NINE OF CLUBS She’s coming! FOUR OF SPADES Who’s coming? NINE OF CLUBS The Queen of Hearts, of course, who else? FOUR OF SPADES Whoever she chooses to bring, I would imagine. 5 NINE OF CLUBS And who might that be? FOUR OF SPADES How should I know, I’m no Queen! SIX OF HEARTS Quiet, you two, look, here she comes! Enter the WHITE RABBIT. WHITE RABBIT (Grandly, probably reading off a scroll) Presenting her majesty, the greatest ruler of all Wonderland, the immaculate Regina Cora, the Queen of Hearts! Enter the QUEEN OF HEARTS, and the CARDS fall to their knees in respect with much rejoicing. The WHITE RABBIT hops off again. QUEEN OF HEARTS (Waving and blowing kisses to the audience) My loyal subjects, welcome, welcome. Oh thank you, you are all too kind. Settle down, now, there we go. Now, what can I, your wonderful Queen, do for you? Immediately, the CARDS get up and start trying to explain their various requests at once, talking over each other, flummoxing the QUEEN. FOUR OF SPADES (All at once) Your majesty, your majesty! The cucumber crop yield this year looks to run low, and I haven’t the faintest idea what we shall do should we run out of cucumbers. Perhaps you could lend some of your royal gardeners to assist us with improving the yield so that we might have all the cucumber sandwiches we wish … NINE OF CLUBS (All at once) Your royal highness, your high royalness, my child is sickened for I simply cannot afford enough pepper. If you would be so kind as to give this poor card some small charity so I can afford pepper enough to properly prepare her food I would be ever so grateful, your greatness … SIX OF HEARTS (All at once) 6 Your majestful highesty, we face a crisis in the Great Wonderland Bake-off! The Seven of Diamonds has been accused of deliberately sabotaging the baked alaska of the Nine of Spades! You must do something, your majestness, before rioting takes the realm and … The QUEEN OF HEARTS shouts through this. ​ QUEEN OF HEARTS SILENCE! They all shut up. QUEEN OF HEARTS Sorry to shout, but could you all please give your requests one at a time? ​ ​ NINE OF CLUBS One at a time? FOUR OF SPADES Why, oh, of course, your majesty! They pause for a moment, and then all talk at once again. The QUEEN despairs. FOUR OF SPADES (All at once) The cucumber crop yield this year looks to run low, and I haven’t the faintest idea what we shall do should we run out of cucumbers. Perhaps you could lend some of your royal gardeners to assist us with improving the yield so that we might have all the cucumber sandwiches we wish … NINE OF CLUBS (All at once) My child is sickened for I simply cannot afford enough pepper. If you would be so kind as to give this poor card some small charity so I can afford pepper enough to properly prepare her food I would be ever so grateful, your greatness … SIX OF HEARTS (All at once) We face a crisis in the Great Wonderland Bake-off! The Seven of Diamonds has been accused of deliberately sabotaging the baked alaska of the Nine of Spades! You must do something, your majestness, before rioting takes the realm and … QUEEN OF HEARTS 7 (Loudly) Could you please first work out the order in which you wish to speak to me, please? ​ ​ Pretty please? NINE OF CLUBS And how are we meant to do that? QUEEN OF HEARTS Just figure something out, would you, you’re giving me a headache … SIX OF HEARTS Oh, very well. Come along, Queen’s orders. They go to the side to try and work out what to do. Quietly. QUEEN OF HEARTS Thank goodness for that. Enter the WHITE RABBIT, with fanfares. ​ WHITE RABBIT Your majesty! I present the Ace of Spades, who wishes to speak with you! QUEEN OF HEARTS (Composing herself) Very well, Rabbit, send him i- Enter ACE OF SPADES, carrying a pile of paperwork and wearing one of those Bluetooth headset things that make you look like a twit. The WHITE RABBIT hops off again. ACE OF SPADES (With all the charisma in the world) Your majesty! Your majesty! Might I say you’re looking as immaculate as ever today. QUEEN OF HEARTS Why thank y- ACE OF SPADES Yes, yes, I’m too kind, I know, I’m afraid I need to steal a tiny smidgen of your time, if that’s something I could ask.
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