VOLUME SIXTEEN ISSUE THREE 8 OCTOBER 2002

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it/

•Franklin P. Jones Alma Mater Society sues American Meteorological Society 'They stole our acronym/' -Kristen Harvey (Vancouver, Reuters) best interests to sue the AMS. senting themselves as being a student both lawsuits, and saw no reason not to hile in the midst of a lawsuit over "They were like a company that had like organization in Canada. pursue the second at this time." alleged violations of students money, and probably lawyers and stuff." "It may have resulted in some people The Alma Mater Society of Queen's Uni­ Wrights relating to the prevention explained Harvey. "Also, I was confused." standing outside in the rain instead of versity is also watching this lawsuit with of a Genocide Awareness Project display The next potential target was the Ameri­ attending class at the University of British great interest. being placed in the Student Union Build­ can Mathematical Society. The charge was Columbia," noted Harvey. "We want to see what kind of precedent is ing, the Alma Mater Society of UBC has that the society had deliberately chosen its "Though at UBC, it is pretty much the set," said Queens University AMS presi­ launched its own lawsuit against the name to have the same acronym as the same thing." clarified Seddon. dent Mike Lindsay. "We were established American Meteorological Society for Alma Mater Society. in 1858, and thus predate UBC's AMS by a fraudulent abuse of an acronym. The American Meteorological Society is "It was a deliberate attempt to trade on also being cited for fraudulent misrepre­ good margin. If they are able to beat the "When Gray ct al sued us over that GAP our good name. We had to drop the suit, sentation of the weather. American Meteorological Society then we thing, we thought, 'Hey, this suing stuff is should really be able to take them to the though, because they know calculus, and "I am seeking damages," claimed Harvey. pretty cool. We should do it too.'" said we were intimidated," Seddon interjected. cleaners. I mean, they are trying to take on a AMS president Kristen Harvey. "We could "I once had a picnic ruined because it completely different type of organization stand to make a fair chunk of cash. Would­ "Besides, we couldn't figure out when the rained even though the weather guy said it over an acronym, but they are the same type n't that be great?" society was founded. It would have been wouldn't." of organization as us, and they stole our embarrassing if we showed up to court After this questionable decision had been "If we can't get money for the acronym, whole name, not just three letters." only to find out that they had the acronym we can always fall back on this second made, the AMS had to find someone to When asked if Queens University AMS first." charge," continued Seddon. "I mean, who sue. intended to pursue legal action against Disillusioned for a time, the Alma Mater has ever heard of a weatherman being UBC AMS, Lindsay replied, "Money, "We figured that the most money was in Society stumbled upon the website for the right? It's a sure deal." trademark infringement, so we looked for money, money. Papa wants a new car." American Meteorological Society. When asked if the AMS shouldn't wait for someone who might have maliciously "Shit," commented Harvey on the possi­ "Here was a society, using our acronym, the resolution of one legal battle before stolen our good name and used it to mis­ bility of a third lawsuit. "Shit, shit, shit." represent themselves, thereby harming our having been founded in 1919. The Alma starting another, Seddon replied, "We were "Shit," added Seddon. reputation." said Director of Finance, Nick Mater Society's constitution was accepted hoping to distract other people from the Seddon. on October 15, 1915, four years before," GAP lawsuit by launching this one. Then it When reached for comment on what they continued Seddon. "We had our target." doesn't matter so much if we win or lose." thought of the Alma Mater Society's law­ After briefly contemplating a suit against In the official lawsuit, the Alma Mater suit, an American Meteorological Society AMS - Global Business and IT Consultants, "Shh, you weren't supposed to tell them Society of UBC alleges that the American that," interrupted Harvey. spokesman said, "Gap? We don't sell the AMS decided it wasn't in the AMS's clothes." Meteorological Society has been misrepre­ "Oh yeah, umm, we are very confident in Weather Cloudy Terrorism Feared (AP, UBC, Vancouver) about ten minutes late though, what's up fter yesterday's cloudy weather with that? I'll bet it's the terrorists. You during the Queen's visit to UBC, know, a terrorist took my parking spot the Asome observers are suggesting that other day. It was like he was trying to say, there may be a link to terrorism. 'We're going to take all your parking spots, you filthy American dog,' and I'm not even "It's not like it is ever cloudy in London, American. I'm like Canadian." but when the Queen shows up here, sud­ denly there are clouds everywhere," said Officials in Washington are saying that it noted conspiracy theorist, Barney Glotz. is too early to tell if the cloudy weather was connected to terrorism, but they are "With all the terrorism going on in the launching an investigation to find out who world, I can't believe there is no connec­ knew that the terrorists had a weather con­ tion. I'll bet that it's Osama Hussein, or trol device and when they learned this Saddam bin Laden, or Al'Qaeda, or Al'- information. Jazzerra, or something. They now have a fiendish weather control device; I just "If there has been a failure of the Ameri­ know it. I'll bet they set off one of those can intelligence machine, we will find an nuclear weapons or something, and now appropriate scapegoat and publicly draw we're having a nuclear winter. I bet them and quarter him," said President Bush. Afghani-Iraqi's are in my basement right When asked for a comment, Canadian now." Security Intelligence Services said that they Others are not nearly so paranoid. would wait to see who the CIA told them to arrest. Then, they will send the RCMP to "Terrorists cannot possibly control the arrest that individual, and get Immigration weather," stated third year Arts student, Canada to hand him over to American Kenneth Farthing. "Some people just give Queen Declares the 432 "Jolly Good" authorities. They will then use every diplo­ them too much credit. The Queen was Prince Philip Chuckles Thrice matic method to get him released. Page Two THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 8 October 2002 Hand Waving Behaviour Baffles Class

Frank Yang divided. Theories as to the purpose behind Nicholas Saim, second year engineering the mysterious activity are as diverse as student, disagrees. "You can tell from the they are numerous. Examples range from way he lectures that he knows engineers Dazed and Confused sign language for the short sighted, hear­ are taking the course. Since he knows ing impaired students, to a reflexive mus­ we're here, he's trying to make it easier for cle condition, to even more controversial us to understand him. You know, by show­ mere month after commencement ideas such as an elaborate personal insult ing his ideas as something we'd be familiar VOLUME SIXTEEN of the academic year, students in of the average class intelligence. At least with. Well, like points on a bridge and how Aprofessor Dutton McKray's philos­ one student claims she is confident the much stress they can tolerate; or in this ISSUE THREE ophy 120 class are already baffled by his actions are religiously significant. class, how much a philosopher's point lecturing habits. "I still think it is a dramatic reinterpreta- might 'weigh' in an argument. I feel like 8 OCTOBER 2002 Since the beginning of the course, profes­ tion of the medieval Christian mentality every time he makes an arc or a line with sor Mckray has regularly waved his hands and the tower of Babylon." commented his hands, I'm getting one step closer to fig­ uring out what he's talking about." Did Some Work and arms around in rapid, chaotic motion third year arts student Anne Weedon, "By during every lecture, much to the confu­ using only his hands to narrate the confu­ Many who are taking the course are also Benjamin Warrington sion of his students. sion that b afell the builders of the tower, perplexed by the lack of explanation found the432@hotmail. com Initially, a majority of students attributed while he speaks on in an unintelligible - in the reading material. "There's only half the waving motions to attempts at clarify­ and presumably unrelated - oration, [pro­ a page on hand waving in the entire ing the course notes. But after two weeks fessor McKray] is vividly contrasting the [textjbook," lamented fellow student Lee Sorta Helped of consistent hand waving with no notice­ further fall from paradise depicted in the Fu Cheng, "I don't know why he made me Fiend (Dan Anderson) able increase to student understanding of bible, to the more immediate tragedy of waste thirty bucks on that [useless book]." our inability to discover the so called 'true' the lecture material, this original hypothe­ Despite the rampant speculation, profes­ [email protected] meaning of any 'text'. He achieves this by sis was largely discarded. sor McKray himself could not be reached framing these contrasting dualities in the Since that time, class opinions have been for comment. People Who Sent Stuff motions of interpretive dance." Dan Anderson Albert Chen Death God Save the Queen Gillian Gunson Graeme Kennedy Jo Krack (from Gordon Campbell) Kristin Lyons to Her Majesty, accompanied by much ty in the coming years. This center, which Johnny Mclntyre Sameer Wahid clapping. The tone of the event then was announced last week, is being funded Angelique Myles changed, as Premier Campbell was wel­ in part by the government (they are going Brad Pyke comed to the stage by some minor booing to fund a mere one-sixth of the project), but Perennially Pissed from the crowd. And this is where the rant Campbell used the new center to chew up Ben Tippett starts... three minutes of the Queen's time. For Sameer Wahid quite some time, many students wondered er Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, There was no need to boo our Premier Benjamin Warrington why the hell he talking about this, and came to visit the UBC Campus when he got up to speak at the podium. Frank Yang While many students dislike the actions why the new center would be so important Htoday. Now while this article is to the Queen. Finally, Campbell mentioned Eggy Yuh going to be a rant, I'd like to make three the Premier has taken (I personally sup­ port the tuition increase - but that's anoth­ that there would be a Golden Jubilee Room things extremely clear: I fully support the Chris Zappavigna er article), we should left our internal poli­ in the new Barber Center (commemorating monarchy, I think we have a great Queen, tics for another occasion. The Queen was the Queen's fiftieth year as our monarch), and I am quite thrilled about the Irving K. present, and she did not deserve to hear a and asked the Queen to unveil a plaque for Printed by Barber Learning Center. To start off, I will single boo (even if it wasn't directed at the room. Finally, Campbell stepped down outline exactly what happened for those of College Printers, Vancouver, BC her). Boos notwithstanding, Premier (having talked for long enough), the pro­ you who were living in a cave when Her Campbell started his speech by welcoming cession continued along the courtyard, and Majesty visited UBC. the Queen, and discussing the Queen's the ceremony was soon over. Legal Information The Queen arrived, a few minutes late, support of cultural diversity, education, In closing, I'd like to thank Gordon Camp­ The 432 is published fortnightly and greeted some of the students who and literacy. Ironically, the Premier bell for being a greedy leader. Instead of from the pancreas of the Colonel were awaiting her arrival. After the typical brought the literacy problem to light dur­ speaking about the wonderful accomplish­ Klinck Building. All views expressed handshakes and waving, the Queen was ing his speech, by saying African-Ameri­ ments of the university, touting the natural escorted by Gordon Campbell (the subject in this issue are strictly those of the can instead of African-Canadian. Ignoring beauty of our province, or mentioning the of this rant), to see four displays put on to individual writers, and as such are the Premier's faux pas, the speech was pro­ possibility of the Olympics coming to Van­ show the cultural diversity of the province. gressing well, until the Premier decided to not the responsibility of the 432, couver/Whistler, he used his time to try to Finally, the Queen took a seat on the main enhance his public image by politicking -make himself look better and drone on The Science Undergraduate Society, stage, along with Campbell, UBC Presi­ during his speech. Campbell started to talk about a new learning center which the Lib­ or the Faculty of Science. Writers dent Martha Piper, and other VIP's. Martha about the new Irving K. Barber Center, and erals are partially funding. Gordon, you'd Piper then gave a very warming welcome and cartoonists are encouraged to how it would greatly benefit the Universi­ make a great American politician. submit their material to the 432. Submissions must meet the require­ ments of making the editor chuckle thrice, and contain the author's name and contact information. Mutterings on Warped The editors of the 432 would like to encourage reader feedback. If you Brain Functions have something bad to say, disre­ gard your mother and say it (If you In the case of this class, my subconscious bet that 98% of you haven't, you don't have something good to say you Ben Warrington really doesn't seem to care that I need it to know what I am talking about. And that's may also say it)! graduate. It tells me that the class is unin­ what's scary. I have begun thinking about Schrodinger's Bitch teresting and that it shouldn't be required everyday things in a way that wouldn't for me to graduate. make sense to the majority of people. Of Contact us at: [email protected] University also does other, far more insid­ course, any fourth (or fifth or sixth) year his past week, I came to two realiza­ ious things to you. For one, you start using student knows and thinks about things tions about one of my classes. First of that don't make any sense to me. The Queen's comments on the 432 all, I can be late to the second class in words like, "insidious." Also, university T makes you think about things in a different may have been misrepresented or a row in the same room, having attended Without even thinking about it, I can way. As I was pushing a shopping cart fabricated in whole or in part. the first in its entirety. Secondly, watching utterly confuse nearly any human being. Kevin Nottle tie his boot is more interest­ towards my car across Stong's rather hilly My normal thought processes have been God Save the Queen! ing than going to said class. parking lot, I began thinking of pavement's rendered incomprehensible to anyone but topography in terms of its geodesies. Later, another senior undergraduate student (not University does that to you. It changes I caught myself considering the space-time that they were terribly normal or compre­ your priorities. It doesn't matter how curve of my PHYS 407 prof pacing at the hensible to anyone before). Perhaps this important you think something is, your front of the classroom. If you haven't done means I am now fit to have a degree subconscious will set its own priorities, General Relativity, and I think it is a safe bestowed upon me. and it may or may not tell you about them. 8 October 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Three How to Use a Calculator tions are performed in the statistics mode, in Stats MODE but it has to be Stats 0 culate the mean, standard deviation, stan­ Angeligue Myles much better. MODE, for Single-Variable Statistics. You dard error of the mean, coefficient of vari­ First thing that I must do is change the set­ know it's a good thing I am not in Stats 2, ation, etc...These questions are always the ting to Stats MODE. Instructions read: because that would mean I would be doing same; why can't we calculate the probabil­ Standard Deviant Press 2ndF, MODE, 3, easy-peasy. So I quadratic regression calculation and that is ity of something interesting? Like say, the press 2ndF, but can't seem to find MODE. a whole other pool of numbers, not some­ chances of turning over one of the mini thing I really want to get into just yet. Baby tables attached to the chairs in the lecture open the package and place its contents Where is MODE? I seem to be missing the MODE function. Too much writing, blue steps folks, baby steps. halls and touching a piece of chewed bub­ on the table. I am wearing comfy Let's enter some data now, time for action. ble gum. Now wouldn't you like to know clothes, hair tied back and I have made orange where am I supposed to be look­ I ing? Don't panic it has to be here some­ All I have to do is enter the number and the likelihood of that? And what are the a fresh pot of coffee. I do a few stretches, then hit the DATA key. Here it goes: 5.3 chances of it being green? grab the scrap paper and take a seat. I am where. I am blind, my eyes blur, brain gone fuzzy, must look away, must look away. DATA, 6.7 DATA, 10.6 DATA, 16.2 DATA, Last question done, and I now believe that now ready, yes indeed, ready to teach 9.8 DATA, *&%$ skipped over a number. myself how to use my new calculator. "Blink, blink." Oh wait here, found it, no I can say I have mastered the standard need to call the company, things are under Still haven't quite figured out the multi - deviation calculation. I am still no expert at It is now sitting in its case, and I have control. I have now made it to Stats line play back function, must re-enter data. how my calculator works. Therefore, turned it on. I have found the operational MODE, let's get started. All data now entered, hit the RCL key and please don't ask me to do binary, octal, dec­ manual, and I have unfolded it into one I have to do to do a Single Variable Statis­ then X (gives me the mean). Then hit RCL imal and hexadecimal operations or simul­ monstrous sheet of instructions and infor­ tical calculation. I have some irrelevant and the sx key. Woo-hoo! I now have a taneous linear equations with three mation. I skim over the operational notes; data about the effect of parasitism by the number for standard deviation. Just to unknowns. Can't do them, at least not yet, don't carry the calculator in the back pock­ cestode worm (Schistocephalus solidus) on check that it is correct, I am going to calcu­ and definitely not tonight. It is late, and et of trousers, clean only with a soft, dry the feeding behaviour of adult minnows late it by hand. As masochistic as that hopefully after three cups of coffee I will cloth, blah, blah, blah. (hoxinus phoxinus), which is arranged in a seems, I just want to be certain the number be able to sink into slumber. Assignment is So I need to figure out how to do standard nice table. Time to find the mean. Now is correct. (15 minutes later, a trip to the complete, and the very helpful manuals deviation. This is my goal for the evening. finding the mean isn't the hard part bathroom, coffee refill) I calculate have been re-folded. **Note to self, put in Got a stats assignment due tomorrow, and because I can do that without even being in 0.640, same as the calculator. Victory dance special place that I will be able to remem­ I really don't feel like doing the calcula­ Stats mode, or using a calculator for that in front of the dog, victory dance, okay he ber and then put it in a place that isn't spe­ tions out by hand. After flipping the matter. However standard deviation, now doesn't look impressed and is starting to cial because I can never seem to remember these special places. papers back and forth, upside down, right that is a calculation I would rather not have whimper. Plus someone just walked by side up, I finally find the Statistical Calcu­ to put pencil to paper to figure out. Espe­ and they are now staring at me. Time to sit Time for bed, and remember antes de usar lations instructions. Here they are, Los cal- cially when I have 10 or so data points. back down. Next question. la calculadora tiene leer el manual de culos estadisticos son realizados...wait a After actually reading the instructions, I Random mental thoughts are passing manejo. tick (turn page over), statistical calcula­ have figured out that I not only have to be through my head as I calculate and re-cal- Summer Ramblings breaks. By the second week, nobody left I'm sure that many of you have had the Slow drivers are usually the primary cause Brad Pyke the room during the 3hour lectures. Some experience of following some car with of road rage. If you can't handle speed, even arrived as much as two hours earlier Alberta plates. It seems that their attitude either burn a tank of gas and cruise around and still did not leave the room. Normal must be tainted by the fact that they own for practice, get someone else to chauffeur, Not a Fish human exsistence was next to impossible... the Canadian Oil industry because they or take the bus. (Ignorance is the second We were like cockroaches! Our lives were drive as if the own the road while the rest cause of road rage) Too many people drive limited to eating, sleeping, and Physics. of us rent it. I saw one such vehicle strad­ like cattle walking to the slaughter house, ince it is now the third real week of Well, that's not entirely true as some of us dle two lanes on Nelson while driving at so remember that driving is a lot like walk­ school, summer almost feels like a did go AWOL and found fountains of bzzr 30 km/h, and then stopping at a green light ing around campus but with bigger distant hallucination. Did it really S somewhere, but you get the idea. before turing onto Seymour, again strad­ dimensions. I'm a pro-driver, so I must be happen? Did I actually see any sun? What dling two lanes. Now, I grew up on right. 'Nuff said. would I have been doing if it was still sum­ So, that left me with four weeks of sum­ Ontario farmland, so I understand that dri­ mer? Apparently, summer did actually mer condensed into August, and what did Getting back to the topic of summer, I ving in the middle of the road is the safest happen. In fact, it says so right on my cal­ I do? I slept. Shit, I must've caught up on actually did get around to having some place to be, but only in the country when endar. All four months of it. Lucky for me, all the sleep that I had lost over the previ­ fun. A weekend in Invermere, organizing a there's no other traffic! It's odd how some three of those months were wisely spent ous three terms. It was great. Except, wak­ show for my bands, a few beach parties, ing up during normal hours of the first Albertans can be really smart [the editor here at UBC, inside some select buildings, watching summer weather patterns, wear­ week back was rough. Everybody thought knows that Brad only wrote this because Brad listening to teachers, taking notes, and ing less clothing than normal, and getting I was tired from partying too much (let this knows that the editor is Albertan -ed.J, and writing exams. Sounds like the rest of the to know who my friends really are. That prove them wrong). others have no idea how to drive in a year, only much more condensed. In order last point is especially important. densely populated area. Maybe they spent to cope, I've learned how to write faster I also found a job half way through July Fair enough. It is reasonable that Alberta dri­ too much time driving tractors through (albeit messier), use a multi-coloured pen as a delivery driver for a well known pizza vers who aren't used to narrow lanes and herds of cattle. (They're great!), and have saved money by company in the WestEnd. The plusses curvy roads drive slowly when they encounter not buying sun screen (I didn't need it.). were driving along Beach avenue, meeting This brings me to driver safety. There's a such. What about the B.C. drivers that can't lot of cars out there with N's and L's, so lis­ I've heard some grumblings from people lots of girls, making money, and working make it up to the speed limit on a straight ten up: roadways are a dynamic environ­ in my Math class like "He's going too fast! on my Bike. The minuses were starving road? ment. If you must stop in order to feel in I can't keep up!" Whatever. Try four weeks (there's never any time to take a break), gay control a situation, get off the road so that -ed. of Physics. When the class started, we took people hitting on me, and tourists who can't drive. you don't inhibit the natural flow of traffic.

T/MMyMflK^S fV/V Of Ttf/AJ$S -&AJ Hey Timmy! How's it Doin' Careful about what you say dude; just I am a stupid ugly fat bastard who little mail? cuz you miss makin' fun of things is smells like filthy laundry and fantasizes no reason do go do something rash. about dirty turtle loving till my shorts ^v Ben you no talent smell scary and my palms turn hairy! narcissist! hunky guy! You Think you're all You've been powerful you ugly bag dominating my strip for of puss? hands om wayyy too long! chunk of hunk? I'mna gonna do my job if it bugs you or not! <(^z__J

I'm appearing on a speakers corner comercial! look for me on Global TV!!! Page Four THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 8 October 2002 When In College The SUS Lounge A Turgid, Torrid Romance Novel of Reckless Youth Come Visit Us conversation that would keep her interest­ ired of the same old dreary day to day life? Want to explore new countries, or Dan Anderson ed, and she quietly answered occasional experience new cultures, art, food, and lifestyles? Well, have we got a deal for queries. His stomach lurched every time he Tyou. Come to Klinck (also called LSK) 202, and you can sit and absorb strange Harleqwhat? said something silly - "so, where do you cultures in our lounge, learn about faraway civilizations on our free internet, mass-pro­ live," "you're in a double room? How's the duce your art on our cheap five-cent photocopier, and try odd new foods-like free view?", and "are you excited about water, or cheap 75-cent pepsi-brahd beverages from our pop machine, you anti-Coke- ike touched the inviting stomach, midterms?" all made him flinch as he real­ brand-name rebel, you. [Well, we stock Coke stuff too but we are not limited by the universi­ firm but tender his hands roved ized what he'd said. The trip back was ty's Coke deal, so it is one of the few places you can get Dr. Pepper-ed.] And if you feel like Mover the satin skin, teasingly equally frightening, though quieter, but he getting involved, break away from the flock and join our herd of rampaging under- moving upwards, so soft as to almost tick­ was certain he caught her looking at him grads, trying to make life better for Science students by campaigning, being a student le. His face relaxed with a look of pure sideways once Or twice. voice, cleaning and maintaining our lounge, and getting really drunk for no apparent bliss, his other hand swept to the neck, When, trembling at his memories of her, reason. Well, at least the last two. caressing and probing. Mike shakily let himself back into his Not into exploring the world? Prefer to explore your navel? Well, our lounge (that's Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. room, he could only think of one thing. Klinck 202) has a limited-time offer: come by and sit down and navel gaze, free! Offer Mike quickly pulled his shirt down and "Where, where have I seen her before? good while supplies of oxygen in the atmosphere last. turned his monitor off before leaping to the Surely not at the caf. Neither could it have portal. "Yeah? Hey Rob, what's going on?" been in class; I haven't gone since first "Hey, man, we're going to hit Hubbard's. week, and besides, she's in mostly Engi­ Uh, you busy? I mean, if you just got back neering classes, and I'm in Science." He from a workout or something, it's no big turned his monitor back on, relaxing as he deal. I mean, uh, yeah. I'm just gonna go." sat down into the well-worn, yet still some­ how uncannily uncomfortable chair. The "No, no, that's all right," said Mike, flip­ scent of pine and freshly mixed cement ping his hair back out of his face, the tou­ swept in the window on a gust of cool air, sled mass framing his devilish face. "I was joined by the voices of girls outside on the just surfing the net, you know, not really grass, chatting while "studying." He doing much. I could go for an ice cream turned from the monitor as it flickered to bar." life, and gently lifted one of the blinds a The two men - if boys, still inexperienced centimeter so he could see out. His eyes and exploring their selves and those passed over the chatting girls, and dis­ around them can be called men - strolled missed them as beneath him, although he down the Vanier hallway, and a few min­ decided that if he met the one in the red utes later met their companion for the trip tube top she might be worth talking to. He to the store; Rob's friend Sarah, Sarah Bon- turned back to his computer, and felt like field. Her face was as lovely as her name, his pulse would drive tap dancers mad with a pale complexion and a touch of with envy; could that - could that be Sarah asian ancestry, high cheekbones and clear on the monitor? Different hair, yes, but brown eyes. The strongest feeling of recog­ still... nition he'd had in a long time came over him - the strongest since he'd noticed that Will Mike talk to Sarah again, or will he the cafeteria's pork pies tasted exactly the just stare at her from across the caf after sarhe as the vegetarian lasagne. Mike was memorizing her class schedule? Was that instantly struck the moment he saw her, really her on that website? Does anyone drawn inexorably towards her as if a string ever actually use ResNet for anything on his guts had twanged and jerked his except porn? Will William ever love again? insides directly towards her. She, unaware Just who is William, anyways, and why do of the impending visceral flood, demurely we care about him? Is Rob just a plot closed her door behind her, shutting off device, or will he actually have any depth view of the sparse room. Mike's fleeting past stumbling over his own embarrass­ peek at her innermost sanctum only ment? Why did the topic of William come revealed a posterless wall and a computer, up? Do you know something I don't about running but with the monitor off, drawn William? Is Sarah actually going to have a blinds, and a wilting begonia, obviously personality, or will she just be a woman to dismayed by it's position underneath her lust after? Is Mike actually going to have a broken salt shaker. personality, or will he just be a man to lust after? Why am I asking all these questions? The trip to Hubbard's was at once sicken­ Shouldn't I be doing something more pro­ ing and enticing, as Mike contrived to find ductive with my time? Supersize yourself >&*K? * ' Mft^btiMT ?* m%

with New ___m^

* Not recommended for people with heart disease. Please consult your doctor before use. Available at all good pharmacies and soda halls. Do not ingest if pregnant, if there is a history of low blood pressure, or if vasovagal responses are common. Can cause death if taken in excess. Two Litre size can not always be Classic Coke New ViagraCoke! guaranteed. "Big Gulp" size may induce choking. 8 October 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Five 2002 SUS Council Elections The Science Undergraduate Society council elections are being held this week from October 9 through October 11. General Officer This is your opportunity to vote for a representative for your department or program as well as for four General Officers. Additionally, due to a resignation, there is one (elect four) executive position open (executive elections are normally Natasha Ahluwalia held in March). Abigail Asirvatham Polling booths will be located at the Student Union Hey everyone, I'm Abigail and I'm running for the position of general officer. So, I building and at high traffic locations in various science thought I'd tell you about myself -just so you know who you're voting for:) buildings around campus (see the schedule below). To A- Affable B- Bargain hunter help you make your decision, we have included informa­ I- Interested in Science tion on this page and the two following from each candi­ G- Goal: To do my best date running in the election. Please come out to vote. A- Artistic You must bring your student card to vote. Note that you I- Imaginative L- Let's make this year the Best Yet! are only an eligible voter for the department or program Vote Abi for General Officer in which you are enrolled. All undergraduate Science stu­ Kim Barber dents are eligible to vote for the Social Coordinator and Harpreet Brar the General Officer positions. Hi! I am Harpreet Brar and I am running for the position of General Officer. Being a first Good luck to all of the Candidates. year science student I am aware of the difficulties and hardships faced by new students. I willwork to assure that your voices are heard and your concerns looked into. My pre­ Poll Booth Schedule vious experiences of volunteering with the Cancer Society as a Zone Captain, the Heart and Stroke Foundation, Surrey Memorial Hospital and Youth Options as a tutor prove Wed,0ct9th Thurs,Octl0th Fd, Oct 11th my leadership qualities and the commitment that I put into my work. You can be sure: when I speak it's your voice that's heard. 9 30-12 30 12 30-3 30 9 30-12 00 12 00-3 30 9 30-12 00 12 00-2 30 SUB SUB SUB SUB SUB SUB William Chao W estbrook W estbrook W oodw aad M ath W oodw aid LSK Hi everyone! H ebb Theater BixbgialScfencES Chem istry Cher, jstiy BiibgiaKirKEs Henniigs Chan istty W oodw aid Hebb Theater W estbrook Chan istry Chan istry My name is William Chao and I am running to be your general officer in SUS. IJSK Chem .fetry Hennings Henniigs W estbrook W estbrook To everyone out there who already knows me, I'd like to say "hi". AA To everyone who I've yet to meet, I look forward to meeting you. Good luck to all my fellow students who are running for SUS! Social Coordinator Gerald Li Paul Steeves Does it ever seem like SUS is some mysterious entity that conjures up Science Week and the occasionalbmr garden from nowhere? Mjrname is Gerald Li and I'm running for General Officer. I've had experience Science One working with SUS last year as a member of the First Year Committee. This year, I hope to serve as your Kristy Chu voice at SUS Council. Have great suggestions for an Hi! My name is Kristy Chu and I am running for Science One Rep. I love to play ulti­ event? Just let me know. Finally, you, the science mate, swim in the ocean, and laugh! If I sound like the kind of person that you think student, can get involved. Together, we will make this would make a good representative for our class, then VOTE FOR ME! Thanks and see an e xc ellent ya ar for all! you in LSK 460 (where else would I be?) Katrina Jensen John Park Uh, apparently the Science One Rep doesn't really do anything, so I can't make any big promises about the magic things that I will accomplish. All I have to say is that you should vote for me if you like me, and for someone else if for some strange reason you are not so fond of me. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries, now vote for me or I shall taunt you a second time. (If you don't understand that then you should watch Monty Python.) Patricia Lau Hi everyone, I guess it is pretty obvious that I'm running for Science One rep. Over the last few weeks I have had a chance to talk to most of you and hopefully you're getting to know me. I have been on student council before and this job sounds like so much fun. I Wanted for General Officer would really like to represent you all! Remember, I know all your names! =) That's all for now. Cheers. Brian Shen Reka Pataky Anthony Iran Seeing as a blurb is used to sell something, this is like a glorified 99 word-personal ad to Hey guys, whats up? First off, I'd like to encourage everyone to come out and vote this attract Science One votes instead of a guy who shares my passion for pina coladas and year. Secondly, I am looking forward to being your G.O. rep. I have experience as an aca­ getting caught in the rain. Firstly, I know I could do a great job of being Science One rep. demic and sports instructor and other leadership roles. I will represent the students' voice You are an absolutely awesome group of people (Bamfield was sooooo much fun!) and I in SUS & hopefully bring out new ideas. So now it's up to you to vote and make a differ­ would enthusiastically represent your interests in the SUS. Secondly, it just occurred to ence!!! And lastly, good luck with the school year, you will need it!!! me that my initials are REP so it's like some kind of manifest destiny thing's going on. Page Six THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 8 October 2002 2002 SUS Coi First Year (elect two) Juliana Caon Nabeela Khan Shaun Carson I lived in Brunei most of my life. I studied at the Jerudong International School where I was exposed to different people and their traditions while honouring each for its unique­ Ed Cheung ness. I was the head of the Environment and Community Comittee, one of the heads in the Student Council and the student editor for the local newspaper. I am also a sports Hey there! I'm Ed Cheung and I'm running for First Year Rep. I'm looking forward to maniac and am at the moment participating in the Soccer Intramurals. This is the first making this an awesome year, so make sure to check my name on your ballot. time I have been to Canada and thought that running in these elections would be the best Well, a bit about myself... I'm from North Vancouver but staying at Vanier this year. In way to get to know as many of you as possible. In thishuge campus I feel as though my high school, I was treasurer and social coordinator of Student Council, was on Grad views go unheard, my pain unfelt and my joy unnoted. Vote for me as your First Year Rep Council, and was elected by my grad class as valedictorian. Currently, I'm chairing the and lets change this. SUS First Year Committee and organizing some cool stuff for first year science. Lik Hang Lee So in brief: Join Team Eddie - it's going to be a blast! Lower transit fares? James Cummins Improve health care coverage? If elected to become first year rep, I'll be sure to represent all types of year students fair­ Cut UBC tuition fees? ly, as I have an excellent appreciation of all types of lifestyles and cultures! Having grown These are not promises attainable by SUS Council so I will make no such promises. But up in a small town, I have the compassion and the sentimentality that is so endearing of if you elect me, I do promise to: .-•—-^_ small town people. When these skills are combined with the wilder, more entertaining, y n UM rf *" ^X VOTEforme! more accepting multicultural attitude I have gained from staying in downtown Toronto # and Vancouver during the summers, I can tower above the competition. While the other • Be approachable <(, ^ •> LIK HANG LEE! y candidates are also intelligent, powerful people, it is my skills in immersing myself into Listen to you concerns and needs \\. > \5f m the best many different cultures and volunteering experiences that make me a strong vote. I can • Be your voice ^"^T^ • for 1st year rep! y see the views of many different cultures; many different belief groups, and use them to Make 1st year Science fun and the best that it can be ! make valid decisions regarding campus life. I pledge to keep what's good in the SUS, but Lisa Liang also find some fun, new approaches to life as a member of the "brightest and strongest" faculty at UBC - the science faculty. Only your vote can make a difference! Vote James Who am I? I am Lisa. But from Bob Richards' view - "You are what Cummins for 1st year rep! you think. You are what you go for. You are what you do!" - then I am positive, efficient and passionate for achieving great things. Tom Dang With leadership skills developed through activities such as student council and youth group, I'd like to provide my best service for the D&au, tis m» Uur£, Tke^m s name, is ( l/f"i; ke runs(for First "ear Rep first year science students. As you remember, total energy is always conserved. So, the energy you put into voting for Lisa = the energy I will put in solving your concerns! and fi£&S microlioiom n ahem n math; 00a. skoucdn t v-ote §or kirn as Anthony So ^ He'sNOTwe,«apofitician (poodreason)

tS! v tie. spends iess time on speeches (in order- ^or the things to ma£e sense) -3 1 *a o o cu •3 i> "*> -: •« o £ TJ X! C o O t3 o — S W 60 to c/1 *- 3 v ffe> u'&es aood arades more than looze/ "2 ** CJ .. O <*. * Qi 0/ 3 ~- -a „ > BS ZZ 2 S? - > O O 5 "C Is XI ,0 co « § -° c 5b « CD o •/ ffispmosopkcff Happy report-cards make happy a freshman _ at §,« - g ^-. co i s cs o 60 P. x> 60 •= ff —, ___ "« S - ~ XI •2 3 JZ -a I to , Gina Eom & •5 * m < -2 CD 3 .C5 G> SP^ •- ?. 3 O : CO 0) o 43 S3 ^3 o % -2 * >, CS ... Hello fellow first years! ft, T- ;> a -= £ Is o o o £ •* "5 9 £ V, C3 X) •9 £ I'm Gina from Coquitlam. Besides running for first year rep to the SUS Council, I've been — >> ft, > «1 4) 0) C<3 X> « elected chair of the >First Year Committee (YOUR committee). But let me tell you a little about myself: I like to dance (ballet and >jazz), draw, and paint. I love horses!!! After Natalie Tran spending this summer in cancer research, I've decided to do it for >a living. Last year I Am I a science geek? Hell no. I bet you don't even care about these served as VP of Red Cross, initiated environmental projects, and was a mentor for elections, but let me introduce myself to all you friendly 1st year sci­ younger students. With your help and support, I hope to do much more. Come out and ence students anyways...© My name is Natalie Tran and I'm from a vote! town called Sidney (near Victoria). I am running for this position, because I like working with different groups (not just with the super geniuses or only with those rare science students who wish they were in ARTS). I'd describe myself as approachable, outgoing, polite, con­ Biology servative, and genuine. You guys deserve only the BEST-give me a chance and let rng represent you. Kim Louie Mathematics and Statistics Collin Chan w As "brevity is the wit of soul" (Hamlet), I will get straight to the point. Please vote Collin for Math/Stats rep! Why? He has experience work­ •I Ofr"T ing with SUS (as a member of FYC) and that makes him a great can­ didate to vote for! Chemistry That's all! Mark Chen Chigusa Torres Hi, my name is Mark Chen and I would like to represent the Department of Hey, Math and Stats students! My name is Chigusa Torres and I am running to be your Chemistry on the SUS council. Representing the students of this department representative in the Science Undergraduate Society! Being a third year student majoring is not simply something that I would like to do, but it is my responsibility as in math (and taking some stats courses), I have had my share of experiences in these president of the Undergraduate Chemistry Society. I have regular contact departments. So this year, let me be your representative. I am a caring and responsible with the faculty as well as close relations with the students. I offer myself in person who will listen to your concerns and will actively take down your suggestions. Let service to you, and I hope you will keep me in mind when you encounter a me make this a good year for you! So on voting days, vote for Chigusa Torres to be your problem. voice. Thanks and have an awesome year! 8 October 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Seven jncil Elections Biochemistry Coordinated Tiffany Chong Hedy Lam Science Program I h, m> name is 1 led) and 1 am running tor Luochem iep... 1 am supposed lo u ilie about Gabriel Hung why people out there should vote for me but I figure eVery One will wriTe about thE Hey everyone, my name is Gabriel Hung and I am running for CSP Representative. I am same boring tHings so you would bE tired of reaDing about them bY now. a responsible and organized person who puts in the greatest effort to complete every task Now Let's talk About subliminal Messages. I think they are so wrong and people who to the finest detail. Moreover, I am open-minded, patient and make the most out of every­ use them are manipulative and are invading our freedom to choose... Oops my little thing I do. I have experience with forming successful study groups as a peer tutor and blurb is too long for our editors, maybe next time. planning formal events in grad council at my high school. I also participate in volun­ teering programs in various places such as summer camps, hospitals and parks. Further­ May Tee more, I enjoy playing basketball, tennis and badminton, and I am an avid skier as well. BECOMING AN INFORMED VOTER Fact: A Biochemistry curriculum change that resulted in the termination of a program Hana Kolac option was made without consultation of the student body. Where was the student voice CSP READ THIS: in this decision? Do you want to ace all of your courses? Then vote for Hana Kolac for CSP Rep. Fact: SUS used to sponsor a scholarship/bursary program for Science students-this pro­ gram has ceased to exist. Tuition fees are increasing but scholarship opportunities are not It's mathematically proven! paralleling this rate of increase. lim Fact: It's good to vote for positive change and for the experienced candidate. As Bio­ Hana -> CSP Rep. = A's for everyone chemistry Rep., I'll work hard to represent Biochemistry students and re-implement this scholarship/bursary program. Christina Wong VOTE MAY TEE FOR BIOCHEMISTRY DEPARTMENT RER! 03 to 41 Marsha Tung CC UU Q. c 1 £ 1 i an T§ - Q 01 >. IB - -g © 3 •B m Great Biochemists! I would really appreciate it if you vote me as saP^^^I* S" _z ,_\ c '_• w m j_ '_, V n." E ra ti % £ TO your biochemistry representative! 8 P o © m •*- o c O c m Oil I have experience in servicing people from university clubs, the S3 E "E m T3 at % workplace, and in high school student councils. Plus, my flexible ™™ «, •e ^ <£ -e Z •* m a. EZ ra 1 schedule this year allows me to devote my time to you. •Jfcm^ 1 2 S £ a* o m a '•= e> .2 g 8 o Once I get elected, I will voice your ideas and concerns at the .£ E ra o m _ m weekly SUS meetings, and on the monthly reports to the council. I % -9 §- g"l -pi ** ft u w a. Q en •__ __ _ J3 I will provide you with up-to-date info about science events and IS s (J » © w _ a. cm IT be on the lookout for any injustice done to our fellow Biochem­ istry students by distributing surveys. I will also try to network with people by making Jensen Wong Si yearbooklets & arranging social events such as BBQs! Let me make your year in bio­ Fellow CSPers, f g chemistry worthwhile! No time aside from school? Well, be glad if you're not running for SUS Council CSP Rep­ resentative. But please take a few minutes from your busy schedule to select a represen­ tative. If you don't have time to represent yourself, you should find someone to represent you. And shall this person be me, Jensen Wong, I thank you for your vote. Please drop Microbiology and by a poll booth October 9th-llth to vote for Jensen Wong for your CSP Rep. You'll be glad you did! Don't forget your student card. Best of luck with your studies. You'll need it! Immunology Cindy Yung I'm Cindy Yung and I'm running for CSP Rep. I value contribution to the school and community through active involvement and service. Currently, I'm the Co-Treasurer of Howard Chu the SUS First-Year Committee. In high school I was President of the Music Council, mem­ I guessed everyone has been sick of the promises that candidates make during elections ber of the Student Council and Coquitlam Youth Council, teaching assistant, summer because we NEVER see any of them happening! But HOWARD CHU is here today to camp assistant, and volunteer music tutor. I've also participated in provincial and nation­ make the promises come true. As the representative for Microbiology and Immunology, al youth conferences. I learned from my experiences what it takes to be a cooperative I will work closely with the Microbiology and Immunology Student Association (MISA) team member, a successful event-organizer, an effective listener, and a capable leader. and make your opinions heard! HOWARD CHU will be your active voice in SUS so make Fellow CSP students: Let me voice your minds! a right choice and VOTE for HOWARD!! Ambrose Wong Hey everyone! My name's Ambrose and I am running for Microbiology and Immunolo­ Psychology gy Department Representative. The rep's responsibility is to be a liaison between SUS and the department. Now in my fourth year, I have worked in several labs in Microbiology Jennifer Bustard and I am in contact with many faculty members there. I also keep in touch with the stu­ I am a third year Biopsych student and I am running for the position of Psychology Rep­ dents, as I am an executive of MISA, Microbiology and Immunology Student Association. resentative. If elected I will put in the necessary time to ensure that our department is Therefore, I will provide a strong connection between the two groups so that students well represented on SUS. I believe that we have a great program. And, in reference to life, will stay informed. Please vote for me October 9 to 11! or to the brain's unconscious control of behaviour (smile): "Do. Or do not. There is no try." -Yoda, the Great Jedi Master Pharmacology Sandy Chuang Juliana Lam Vote 5RNDY Chuang For Psychology Hep She is responsible, energetic, approactigfcle, open-mlincfed, carinjf.,.{and the \m gioes on) -VP of the CSP Council 2002- She w?H SHOUT and make sure that Juliana Lam YOUR VOICE is heard in SUS. For Pharmacology Rep Vivian Pan Page Eight THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 8 October 2002 Of Birthdays and Einstein indeed a part I a few months ago...), or day I turn 25 will be the worst day of my to my theory of special relativity, but not Eggy Yuh dinner and drinks with a small select life, aside from turning 30, then 40, the Einstein kind. Ifs an explanation for group of friends, or the increasingly entic­ then...oh my god...). Even worse, it why it always seems to take so long to get Getting Older ing option of melding into the couch with cements the feeling of being an actual somewhere, but almost no time to get a stiff gin & tonic, Ben & Jerry's, and Bring twenty-something. I can't plead anymore home from said place. I had always it On ("I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to that I'm in my early twenties, even though ascribed it to an excitement at getting emember when you were a kid and boot!). I still am; somehow this feels different. home, but that's not always true. Some­ birthdays were great? They meant times I dread going home, but it still seems I blame society, actually. It's like you feel Next thing you know, I'll be a strange cake and presents and ice cream and like a faster trip than going away from it. R obligated to make everything a big deal- combination of Carrie from Sex and the being the life of the party for one precious The thing is, it's all about the relative birthdays, weekends, Tuesday aftemoons- City, and Bridget Jones from...well, from afternoon. And then everyone went home nature of time. For example: when you're when sometimes you just want to take a Bridget Jones. I already have the whole and you still got to wear the silly pointy 6, summer vacation is two months long but nap. In the end, I buckled and combined abrupt writing style going on, rife with hat (which really, if you think about it, seems endless. When you're 16, summer the best of both worlds. A small select rhetorical questions. All of a sudden, I'll be resembles a dunce cap...) and you couldn't vacation is still two months long but goes group of friends came over with buckets 40, single and living with cats who will eat wait for next year's birthday? So when by way too fast. Why? It isn't that you're and buckets of ice cream while I provided my face off when I die old and alone. (But does it stop being such a great party? Usu­ older and busier and up to no good, even sprinkles, chocolate sauce and whipped hey-if I turn out to be a Carrie-type, at least ally I love birthdays, even without the though that would seem to make sense. cream. Sundaes galore, and now a freezer I'll have great shoes.) I'll be that cougar in cake, ice cream, and even (sigh) presents. Look-when you're 6, two months out of full of ice cream goodness. Sucks to the lac­ college bars who dresses inappropriately your 72 months of existence is a pretty big I've become somewhat notorious for com­ tose intolerance, but whatever. and tries to pick up idiotic kids as some chunk of your life. But when you're 16 and plex birthdays. Two years ago, I held a sort of pathetic clutching at lost youth. It So there you have it. I'm officially 22, and have been around for...um...l84 months, scavenger hunt, plus trivia questions that occurs to me that I'm older than roughly it's kind of strange. 22 is not a real number, it's proportionally less time and will there­ bordered on close to impossible to answer. 60% of the people on campus, which is exactly. Turning 20 was a milestone: a sig­ fore feel like less time. This works on Last year I had a polaroid scavenger hunt, kind of disappointing considering that nal that I was fully out of my teen years. smaller scales as well, such as how the five asking participants questions about pre­ some of that 60% is pretty cute. So what And 21 was kind of cool, despite the fact minute walk to a restaurant seems longer cious me and getting them to gather clues does that leave me with? My pick of the that this is Canada and we have a reason­ than the five minute walk back to wherev­ that lead them to the restaurant where we still-single grad students? I'm pretty sure able drinking age that no one abides by er you came from. If you follow this to its ended up having dinner. And this that there's a reason they're still single. anyway. 21 has a nice ring to it; it's a good logical conclusion, it's perfectly logical that year...well, this year, I didn't care. I waf­ age to be. But 22-what's 22? It doesn't have And, the slower I want time to move old people forget everything, given that fled between wanting to have a huge house any sort of social, legal or even psycholog­ (whether for silly things like midterms and anything is insignificant compared to their party complete with raunchy theme ical significance. It's just this weird number school, or fun things like sunny days and age. Special relativity. Makes complete (naughty schoolgirls and dirty construc­ between 21 and 25 (next big milestone-=the ice cream) the faster it goes. This brings me sense to me. tion workers, part II? And yes, there was Dead Pool VII Dead Pool VII Look to issue one for the rules, or send an Entry Sheet Death email to [email protected]. Briefly, though, list fifteen people who you Terrorism's Best Friend think are likely to kick off before April 1. Someone dies; you get the points. The order in which you list your lucky rince Claus von Amsberg, husband unlucky's matters. The first person on your of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, list is worth fifteen points when he or she died in hospital on Sunday, aged 76. P croaks. The second person is worth 14, and I don't believe anyone had this poor soul on his list, however, so I don't think there so on. Whoever has the most points when are any point winners yet. It is still early in the contest closes will win two tickets to the competition, though. Hamid Karzai is Arts County Fair. Crappier prizes will be bound to be killed sooner or later. How given to second and third place. many attempts have there been? Two? Fill out the form on the left and drop it off Three? in SUS (LSK 202), or email your list to Anyway, it is never too late to get in. As [email protected]. long as I receive your list before someone And remember: don't fear the reaper. on it dies, you can be in the competition.

(BIOSOC Presents. -^y^A

UBC'S CHEAPEST ^ >

L oca tion: Bdol2449

Date: Friday, 0 ctober25 530-8:00 pm

And don'tfcrget iour costumes..

Em ail b±>SDC@ diaw ca 8 October 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Nine Will They or Won't They be that if you talked a little too much about fugitives, killing their own citizens, and warned about Emperor George, don't try Johnny Melntyre public welfare and workers rights, you just plain crazy. Then the sanctions will fol­ and piss his people off okay? Oh yeah, wait were called a Commie Pinko and hunted low, and then the ballistic missiles, finally for the Emperor to try on his new clothes down by nuts like those great Americans: followed by the 101 Airborne and the M-ls. this fall... but don't try and be the little boy New Guy Senator Joseph McCarthy and Henry Could we be next on the list? We have the who pointed out that the Emperor wasn't Kissinger. Kissinger is probably no worse same juice in Alberta, we have public wearing anything or you shall be dealt than Saddam or Slobo or Augusto; in fact, with. Also, for those of you in the business urning on a television of late has health care, and we don't always agree Kissinger and his boys at the CIA were of shedding tears at anniversaries, on next meant listening to the war cries of with the Emperor; our Prime Minister bet­ responsible for unleashing Augusto onto September 11, do shed a tear or two for Dr. the Emperor of the free world, that ter be careful not to incur the wrath of the T the people of Chile by killing a democrati­ Salvador Allende, for he was killed on Sep­ highly educated Texas redneck named Emperor. This may seem like an over-state­ cally elected leader named Salvador tember 11th too, only 28 years before Sep­ George. Georgy has been busy trying to ment but, the fact that Canada has ( for Allende on September 11, 1973. They top­ tember 11, 2001. win the game of cops and robbers with now at least ) stood up to the clown in pled his government as well, because Washington does put us on the world stage A glossary of sorts: good friend of the family, uncle Saddam. Kissinger thought that the people of Chile once more, although not as prominently as Georgy: President George Walker Bush, The Hussein family must really enjoy were stupid enough to vote in a Socialist our good friend Gerhard of Deutschland. being in the spotlight again, and this time President of the United States of America party. Those stupid people in Chile, what He's on record saying that he will take no the younger George Bush is the man shin­ the hell do they know eh? Electing a social­ part in this war against Saddam, and his uncle Saddam: President Saddam Hus­ ing the light. And viola, Saddam is seen on ist, when they could have been ruled by a former justice minister Herta Daeubler- sein, President of the Republic of Iraq TV guffawing with his friends, kissing the good guy like a military General, I mean, Gmelin went a step further and compared Emperor: same as Georgy for now. little kids; even Saddam's son, Uday, is the nerve of those silly children! Georgy to Hitler. But then again Gerhard being mentioned on TV. The story between Slobo: Slobodan Milosevic, Former Presi­ Me thinks the Congress is going along was probably saying all that because he the two families is the same old one, Sad­ dent of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, with Georgy's game because they all want was in an election campaign as well, and dam has the juice, Georgy wants it, he has accused of crimes against humanity. to be re-elected again in November. You he won by the seat of his pants... whined and complained about it to the Augusto: General Augusto Pinochet, for­ see, after they are elected, they can lobby elders ( the UN ) and they haven't done At any rate, taking a stance such as that of mer "leader" of Chile, an Army General by the government to give their patrons ( and much about it, but Georgy is adamant that Mrs Daeubler-Gmelin is going a bit too far, trade, and accused of crimes against election campaign donators ) like he will get the juice no matter what. So he after all, Hitler did kill a lot of people and humanity. Raytheon and whoever else a good deal on comes up with this fool-proof idea: find did start a war. Georgy's actions could start weapons that will be needed to go after Gerhard: Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder something that uncle Saddam won't do, a war and will likely kill a lot of people, but uncle Saddam. And also, if they aren't of Germany like open up his country to Georgy's don't hold your breath and hope that he patriotic enough before the election they snooping weapons inspectors, and if he will be tried for war crimes like Slobo is, Deutschland: Germany will lose out all their privileges of being a doesn't give in to Georgy's tactics, then Georgy and his government refuse to CIA: Central Intelligence Agency, a Unit­ Congressman/woman for will have no Georgy and his good friend Tony ( not recognise the ICC because as they put it, ed States security agency hope in hell of being elected again. I mean Tony Soprano, the other Tony ) will go and innocent Americans will be tried for crimes who would want to give up screwing with Mossad: Israeli security Agency, like the throw bricks at Saddam's house and coun­ against humanity, I am guessing innocent young college interns voluntarily? Which CIA of the United States try. That way, Georgy will get what ever ones like Kissinger. brings me to the other President, the one juice remains. Commie Pinko: Ask Senator McCarthy or that was there before this current nut, So, here's what I think one should do in any other American [aka Canadian -ed.] called William J Clinton. He was some­ order not to incur the wrath of the Emper­ So most of the world probably wants ICC: International Criminal Court ( a per­ thing else, he screwed with an intern, just or of the free world: don't think of getting uncle Saddam to retire, they just don't manent United Nations court set up to like the others, and he started a couple of rich through crude oil or any other want to be seen as wanting that, at least tackle crimes against humanity) publicly. It is absurd to hold an M-16 to wars, and all that, but he was cool. When resource, don't think about trying to create Saddam's head and say gee you better he spoke, people listened. I wish he was nuclear weapon unless Georgy likes you at M-l: American Main Battle Tank like the drop that Kalashnikov or else I will tell back in power, I think the world would the time ( translation, he needs you ser­ Russian T-90 your mummy about how bad you are... have been a different place. He was a lot vices ), don't think of arguing with the 101 Airborne: US Army Airborne division i more interested in looking good for the and then 1 will beat you up. What hap­ Emperor's regime, don't think of doing M-16: Assault rifle that can fire 650-700 history text books, so he would have tried pened to the grand stories from the past of anything that pisses the Emperor off; in rounds per minute, 5.56mm calibre. US some things in the Middle-East unlike the spies poisoning others to kill them? The short, don't think, or else the Empire will Army standard issue CIA should take a lesson from the Israeli current President. strike and you shall be dealt with, because Kalashnikov: Assault rifle that can fire Mossad on how to knock out someone that you may pose a threat to them by just bothers them. The strong tradition of American democ­ thinking. If you beg to differ, you might be 600-650 rounds per minute; 7.62mm cali­ racy deems it necessary that the leaders of a terrorist, as simple as that, and we all bre. Most famous of the lot are the AK 47s, What is a wonder today is that the media the world who have something America know what happens to them right? They 74s and so on, standard issue with a lot of seems to go along with it all, and so too wants tow a line that Washington draws in are given a free vacation to Cuba. militaries, obviously from Russia. Created does Congress, all in the name of this new the sand. For if they don't, well, all of a by Mikhail Timofeevich Kalashnikov. fangled threat called terrorism. It used to sudden they are terrorists, harbouring So now boys and girls, you've been Google Never Forgets a decade's worth of newsgroup messages From reading these messages, I can see As for how things have changed since Gillian Gunson miraculously preserved for your embar­ why. Actually, like many people, I got 1993, here's another quotation from my rassment. booted off for swearing. EDNET had a no- Newsgroup-Messages-of-Shame: This was all pointed out to me by a friend, cussing, no-nothing policy. Back in the day $200 Winner "...where I live can hardly be called subur­ who had, after first meeting me, looked up when they thought that the Internet could ban but it is, but I'm sure it won't be in 10 my dirt in such a manner. After being be controlled. Ha! years." any of us, at one time or another informed of this, I informed him that I did­ Anyway, after reading these messages, I I was living in the Oakridge area of Van­ and out of sheer boredom, have n't believe his "nothing much" answer on had these thoughts: couver at the time. As for what a decade sat at a computer and typed our his search results. M 1. How I could have written such things, has done to Oakridge, it's still as own name into an Internet search engine. I looked myself up. Oh, what have I done: not thinking about whether they were urban/suburban/whatever as it ever was. 9 We may have also run searches on our par­ "Need a penpal? Life's fun over here too, appropriate for a public newsgroup, years really isn't all that long. Boy, do I feel ents, our friends, even people we don't like in Vancouver, Canada. Out here in the 2. How I could have written such things, old. (especially people we don't like). We do Pacific Northwest we're all having one big not thinking how they might haunt me On the other hand, 9 years ago I'd look this, if only because ergonomic computer group orgy, so if you wanna join, gimme a later in life, and really odd sitting here typing this article, chairs are built so that getting out of them ring!" requires much more effort overall than 3. How in 9 years I really haven't changed as until 1995 my quad at Thunderbird was does remaining in them for umpteen hours "Sorry, don't know your friend. I'm prob­ all that much. a parking lot. Boy, would I look silly in my playing minesweeper. ably weirder than her, because nobody is As far as I can remember, we weren't all dressing gown, unable to extricate myself weirder or hornier than me!" from my ergonomic chair and move so that In any case, I have been known to look having a mass orgy of the Vancouver- Now, these quotes are from messages I someone might park between my dresser people up online from time to time, Washington-Oregon region back in 1993, wrote on or around March 1993. I was 15 drawers and mini-fridge. although most of the hits include their but I'm sure for some people it was a lot of years old, and using the now-defunct names on class lists and long-abandoned fun. And though I don't think now that I'm In any case, if you do find yourself bored EDNET bulletin board that Vancouver homepages from the mid-1990s. It recently all that weird compared to the average per­ at a computer (any more than usual, that School Board set up back in the good old came to my attention, however, that I was son (though this article may dispute that), is) go ahead and look somebody up. I even days of BBSs^ searching the wrong way. I have and probably always will be managed to discover that one of my profs EDNET banned me from the system, I "horny". Though now I have better reason from last term was once a Deadhead; but Go to the Google website (google.ca). recall, within days of my membership. to than I did at 15, if only because I'm less too late to reap the benefits of blackmail. Click on the "Groups" tab. Here you have confused about why. Waste no time, my friends. Waste no time. You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI Interface with a button labelled Tm a clue - click here to acquire me." - Seth Finkelstein Page Ten THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 8 October 2002 A Long Perilous Exploration Into News from Japan The Depths of My Soul and the passersby and many people gave some Jo Krack change. We also saw a few makeshift ama­ Inexhaustible Cruelty Others Place teur bands performing their hits right on the street. Sort of like busking but to sell on Aberrance in Our Society In a Strange Land CDs. One guy was hilarious: wearing a military uniform and a helmet with a one bad burrito and its consequences oreign Correspondent Jo Krack sign­ mohawk glued to it! We took pictures of into storage somewhere. And I stopped ing in from Osaka, Japan! I'm afraid him... eating KD years ago, progressing to more my insight into Japanese culture is Graeme Kennedy F Then we passed by a talent show, and the sophisticated foods. All this illusion of not quite developed yet, seeing as how I've organizers asked if we wanted to help maturity ended when I ejected stomach only been here for just under a week so far. Lord of Verbose Titles judge. We decided to go for it, and soon contents in front of my workmates, and Even so, this is quite the funky place. I realized we should have just run away! It made the poor judgement of trying to think I'm already experiencing culture was more like a no-talent show, and every­ It came on me suddenly drive back home before the second act. shock. Of course it could just be that I am one who participated got a t-shirt so it both living on my own (rather than just Now, granted, I should have suspected Waves wasn't much of a contest at all! First there something was up. I had a rough sleep the travelling, which I'm more used to) and was an old guy who danced with a fan for The thing about food poisoning - and this night before, mostly due to stomach ache. experiencing Life With A Roommate for about 10 minutes (seemed like half an hour was definitely food poisoning - is that the But this is normal for me when I eat right the first time. Throw in my lack of cooking at least!), then four guys who sang songs nausea can come in waves, because the before going to bed; normal for most peo­ skills, and my newfound illiteracy, and about sumo, and then a guy who came out bowels have to back up maybe two meals ple, I think. And when I woke up with an you've got a recipe for either disaster, or at in a WWII uniform and yelled at us worth, and this comes in stages. This aching stomach, I just figured I was hun­ the very least the grand potential for mis­ through a microphone for awhile. Finally, a deception leads to the dangerous situation gry- understandings! guy told a story about the evils of smoking, where one makes commitments while feel­ So when a wave of nausea overwhelmed There are a few other foreign students nicely illustrated with big picture-cards. ing fine that are utterly unfulfillable me on the shop floor, it was quite a sur­ here. OK, actually just two more. One I'm All we had to do, along with the other moments later when suddenly over­ living with, the other lives next door. judges, was to toss a ball into a box after prise. In fact, I didn't recognize it for what whelmed by abdominal spasms. Not Thank God I'm not living with the other the performance if we liked it! Rather bor­ it was. It's been so long since I've been sick. always a jam, if you're located near a Canadian girl: she's a hardcore Christian ing, and kind of strange! When we And I mean a long time. privvy, but I was driving down Boundary and quite judgmental about people like me escaped, they first made us answer some And yet, this incident drew me backward at the time. questions in Japanese. Perhaps we'll be on who actually enjoy and seek out sex. She's to the past, into a humble reintroduction of Any port in a storm, they say, and I fig­ TV! only met me twice and I think she's already what it's like to be naive and dependent. A ured that nobody would mind too much if journey back to the demanding, uncertain, shocked that I have actually had sex AND The other strange thing about Japan is all I used their lawn. Nevertheless, the era in everybody's life, where illness is the consumed alcohol. Straight-edge, that one! the dyed hair. Yes, I know, I've seen it at absolute spectacle was going to be hard to arbitrary and cruel imposition from an Luckily my roommate is much more open- UBC too, but here it's as if some sort of law avoid, so I made some quick judgements: I unjust world, and the lives of loved ones minded so I think the two of us will have a has been passed and everyone in dutifully picked a yard that had high bushes so the must revolve around our needs and com­ lot of fun together. following it. The Japanese like to do things occupants couldn't see, and, for the sake of plaints. And sometimes this happens, and in groups, but this is ridiculous! I've seen a passersby, I pretended to be sitting on the Anyway. That was just to set the scene. I'm sometimes... sometimes we're told that our granny with orange hair, and what's much sidewalk, waiting for a pickup. Passersby sure you're much more interested in the situation is not their problem right now, more disturbing, a three-year old girl with were not fooled, though. Japanese people around me!! Well, I've that we should deal with it ourselves. The peroxide-blonde hair! I mean, aren't kids' only been to one class so far, and I man­ world does not stop for sniffles. Well, that's not exactly true. Passersby aged to look lost and helpless enough to heads rather soft and permeable at that were suspicious. Pretty much without convince one of my classmates to come age? Seems rather dangerous to use all Not a Merry Christmas exception, they stopped in their tracks on home with me and help me make sushi those heavy-duty chemicals on it! I would My friends bitterly resent my health the sidewalk, no closer than twenty feet rice. UBC students: be nice to the exchange not be surprised if the Japanese discover record. I haven't had an infectious disease, away, and examined me cautiously. But not students! It is so lonely when you don't that in the next few decades, cases of can­ such as flu or cold, since I was eight years obviously. They hid their inspection by speak the language and no one talks to cer dramatically increase. Or at the very old. I don't have an explanation for this: finding some excuse to stop: examining a least, this will be a nation of Very Damaged you. At least at UBC there's a huge foreign genetics, I guess. But apparently when I heel, looking at their watch, fussing with Hair. student population though... much better get sick, I really get sick. And pictures attest an umbrella... something they thought than the 3 foreigners here! And of course, what tale of Japan would to this. would convince me that they weren't actu­ ally evaluating my mental condition, lay­ Anyway, after helping us make dinner, be complete without a few examples of There's this picture of Christmas when I ing there on the side of the pavement as I my new Japanese friend (Kayo) offered to weird English? I've seen words that aren't was eight. I got a lego truck as a gift, and was. Then, again without exception, they take my roommate and I to Namba (a words and sentences that aren't sentences, spent the morning building it. When it would cross the road and proceed past me funky part of downtown Osaka) the next but the stuff that sort of makes sense is came time to pose for pictures with the six lanes of traffic away. And cross back day. We were really psyched, and with more fun. For example, there's a store family, I brought my truck along, started to again later. So much for the Good Samari- good reason: it was tons of fun! We met her called WonderGOO. Haven't been in there say 'cheese', but suddenly felt something tanis. at a train station and took an expensive yet... And on a minivan, I saw a bumper terribly wrong with my insides. The result­ train to Namba. Imagine paying six or sticker that read "Yes! We are FREAKS!" ing photo was horrifying, and I don't envy Finding solace in Storage seven bucks to ride the Skytrain for four or Kind of cute to think of a mom driving her the London Drugs clerk who had to proof I did make it home, finally, with one more five stops! And that's one-way. We've kids to school in that... Oh, and you can that one. incident outside my apartment, probably learned that travelling anywhere in Japan also buy God coffee here. Somewhat sacri- _ To this day, I can't build lego trucks. Now, in front of my neighbours, who will never is expensive with a capital E. legious to be drinking God, but hey, when that was definitely the flu. I was out for invite me to barbeques I guess. Frankly, at in Rome... But Namba was tons of fun. We spent days. I sat on the couch downstairs, with a this point, I wasn't interested in sub­ hours inside a mall (weird, yet fun). We No news yet on whether or not I can bucket, trying to keep soup down. Eventu­ terfuge; I just didn't give a shit about found a market in the basement that had expect to get any action in this land of ally, I woke up and wanted Kraft Dinner. appearances anymore and anyway, I rea­ SO much yummy stuff!! There were tons of everyone-wants-someone-Japanese. Last So, to this day, I love eating KD while soned, who's to know it wasn't a dog that samples, so my roommate and I basically night a bunch of young Japanese guys in a watching Star Trek reruns. Original series, left that there? I crawled into bed with an scored a free lunch. Then we found a sta­ car drove by and complimented me with for extra campiness. empty ice cream pail and slept for about tionery store so I could overdose on cute "Oneeesan!" which basically means "older twelve hours. I still felt like crap when I The other thing about this episode was my animated notepaper. Finally we ventured sister" and is an inoffensive pickup woke up and told work not to expect me companion, Bunky. Bunky is a stuffed outside. line/catcall. The funny thing was that traf­ for a few more days. monkey, and one of the ugliest stuffed toys fic was moving rather slow, so I kept catch­ There's some store of competition for the you'll ever see. But the majority of this toy Sometime during my convalescence, I ing up to the car, at which point the embar­ most interesting sign, so we saw a giant is rubber, and mom felt he was an easier shuffled downstairs into storage and rassed boys had to decide whether to say a mechanical crab and a huge blowfish! We wipe in case things went horribly wrong, pulled an old friend out of retirement. The little more, wave, or roll up the tinted win­ even saw a homeless man with a bunch of dows and hide (they finally seemed to which they did. next day, I felt well enough to walk around dogs, including some newborn puppies. decide on a variety of all three!). Now, like all childhood memories, even and do some shopping, and Bunky and I The funny thing was that there was anoth­ some traumatic ones, this brief period of settled in for a marathon of Star Trek DVDs er man helping the homeless man beg for Well, I have to go now, so until next time, discomfort faded away, and Bunky went and KD. change: he would announce things to sayonara!

Little Known UBC Factoid #7: Out of toilet paper? There's free single-ply scattered throughout UBC. Just go for a quick walk and come back with a few issues of the Underground, and make sure you bring a good novel to read. 8 October 2002 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Eleven The Drawers of SUS Apathy Horoscope

cygames.ubc.ca. The Gladiator Team Chal­ £ Libra Kristin Lyons lenge is also coming up with its registra­ b Albert Chen September 24 to October 23 tion closing Tuesday, October 29. All intra­ Learn something new; try something fun. mural registrations should be handed in to Director of Sports Doesn't Give a Damn Don't regret what you've said and try to the SRC by 5pm on the last day of registra­ ey All. Well, leagues have gotten look at life in a fresh perspective. And going, and the first intramural tion. V Aries don't you dare use stupid cliches - do you Hevents have started. I would like to As for rebates, the science term 1 rebate know how seldom I use them? Geez, they March 21 to April 20 send out a special congratulations to the deadline will be Friday, November 22 at would totally, like, drop your IQ by 20 science broom ball team that one the 5pm. To receive your rebates, hand in your Chances are people will try to give you points, ya know...there, the best advice broomball championships-way to go BOB! team roster, your intramural receipt, and career-oriented advice within the next two since sliced bread! As for upcoming events, innertube water- the name, phone number, and email weeks. Be aware, though they might sound polo registration closes Friday, October 11, address of the person I am to write the as if they know what the hell they are talk­ while Day of the Longboat registration rebate to. Remember, to get your rebates, ing about, the truth of the matter is, they IH, Scorpio closes Wednesday, October 16. There are you do have to be classified as a science don't. Trust me, I've had people telling me October 23 to November 22 sign up sheets available for both of these team-not as a club or any other unit. Good that selling door to door is the best way to You shall dedicate your energy to be an teams in the science undergraduate society luck with all your sports endeavors, until sell doors (I ain't jokin'.) (He ain't got good animal rights advocate for a flock of ugly office as well as on the web at www.lega- next time! grammar, neither. -Fiend) peacocks, only to find out they have really bad luck. Before you eventually find out classes. ~y Taurus their evil scheme, however, they shall trade Chris Zappavigna Yeah, right. you for a case of beer. April 21 to May 21 As for senate, a number of interesting Senator issues were raised at the last meeting. First, A few days from now a flying pig will ello, from your friendly Science as I am sure many of you know, on Oct. 7th come to your room, hide itself in your clos­ # Sagittarius Senator. Midterm season is the Queen visited our campus. More et, and eat your homework when it's done. November 23 to December 21 approaching us, and I hope all of Sure, explain that to your TA. H importantly, however, she also dropped In the past you've always taken pride in you are studying feverishly for your the puck at a Vancouver Canucks game. the fact that you've partied really hard. exams. I'm sure all of you will do fine on Now that theory shall be tested, for you your exams and keep up in all your other 31 Gemini May 22 to June 21 will party like you've never partied before! [email protected]. Just imagine, drinking beer out of leather You will choke on a piece of carbohydrate- boots, throwing up while smooth-talking Sameer Wahid Winning teachers will receive an award at based material, much like our southern to chicks, and doing the bunny dance Public Relations congregation. neighbor Dubya. Your pet will try to rescue while getting your tongue pierced...pretty Grad Events you. Wait, what if you have no pet, or if cool, eh? ell, this is my first Exec report, your pet simultaneously drops dead right The Grad Class Council (which decided ever! Guess I probably should at that moment...well, good luck, I guess. the graduating class gift on behalf of all Wreport on a few things now that y)o Capricorn we are one month into the school year! faculties) will be meeting sometime this month. If you have any questions about 25 Cancer December 22 to January 20 SUS Events Grad Class Council or grad events, please June 22 to July 22 The only thing that you can do well this The First Year BBQ on Sept. 11th raised e-mail me at [email protected] month shall be dry-cleaning your under­ $200 for the 9/11 Neediest Fund, and was a and I will try to answer your question or The only advice I can give you this week is wear. Sorry, that's all I can say before! great event for all. Also, SUS held an Open put you in touch with someone who can. what my grandfather kept on telling me charge you $40/hr for this consultation ses­ House on Sept. 26th, and i hope that you before he croaked: get a job! Personal Stuff sion. (I used to work for Ms. Cleo...hard to all came by for doughnuts and coffee. If tell, eh?) you missed it, there will be another Open You've probably read my tirade on our #$*%! ning pears. -Fiend) Honestly, I don't know mail me at: month. How about the "Saving Dolphin's what kind of action you shall get, and I Privates Foundation" or "Sexed Up Teddy shall not use my psychic energy to specify Bear Drive"? C'mon, everyone else is doing what I meant...what? You want more evi­ it. Don't you want to be KooKtm) by doing If you think my copy-editting sucks, dence? Hey, I work for free! what everyone else is doing?

come out and help on the next issue of lfl> Virgo K Pisces August 24 to September 23 February 20 to March 20 the 432. Drop me a line at I can't believe this, but your lucky drink This month you shall try to concentrate this week shall be the Virgin Mary! It's your efforts on inhaling helium from chil­ basically a Bloody Mary minus the alco­ dren's balloons instead of your usual sta­ [email protected]. New Editors hol... wait, wouldn't that be just a blob of ples, such as pot and cocaine. Sure, nice tomato paste mixed with Tabasco sauce? change of pace I suppose, just don't sound Well, it's a simple concept, but not an easy and Helpers are always wanted. too nasal when you get... high. concept to swallow.

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