BAD FOODIE: CHAPTER TWO

The Animated Rise of Guidry Cloche

Written by

Timothy Shireman

EXT. - ALLEY BEHIND THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - AFTERNOON Music: 'Charly' by The Prodigy During a break between filming segments of AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE, two young filmmakers pick daisies from the cracks of the alley sidewalk. The Asian man yelps in goofy surprise when he spies a common toad. He unsuccessfully tries to capture it as it hops away into the tall grass. His gangly companion twirls and flits like a ballerina, curly hair decorated like a May Queen with dandelions, daisies, and crabgrass woven into a bio-degradable headpiece. Brushing open the screen door, producer F.J. LEWIS exits the rear of the old building and turns to his camera crew, who are loitering yards away. F.J. LEWIS Alright fellas, last segment. Then we can knock out the closing monologue. The pair look dazed and strangely aloof. F.J. LEWIS Where's Guidry? RODNEY (hands waving in the air) I dunno, man. MICHAEL (giggles) It wasn't my turn to babysit him. F.J. LEWIS Yes it was! I literally told you ten minutes ago to not let him out of your sight. You had one job! (to Rodney) Where did you see him last, Neumann? RODNEY We smoked some toad venom with him about five minutes ago and he said he was gonna go watch Goodfellas. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 2.

RODNEY (CONT'D) Then the sun came down and picked him up, and he got into this badass Camaro Z28 and him and Jerry Garcia and the sun went to go kick the Moon's ass, which is weird. F.J. LEWIS Great. Does anyone who isn't hallucinating know where he is? In THIS reality? I told you guys not to smoke that stuff until we were done filming. By the way, Einstein, Jerry Garcia's been dead for like, five years. (nods) And that's poison ivy. RODNEY I know man, but hear me out: THAT'S what made it so weird. I ran up to him and I was like: 'Hello, Jerry'. And Jerry was like: 'Hello, Neumann'. (hands at temples) Mind. Blown. He said my name! Jerry fucking Garcia knows who I am! MICHAEL (holding toad) He isn't dead. That's what they WANT you to think. Don't be a sheeple. F.J. LEWIS Sheeple? MICHAEL I've been doing a lot of research on online forums and it is now painfully obvious that Jerry Garcia faked his death. (toad escapes) This former CIA hacker said he has proof that he is alive and well. He's living in the Amazon rainforest, leading a group of eco- terrorists fighting a guerilla war, sabotaging the oil company's bulldozers. The local pygmy headhunter tribe made him their king or something. (recaptures toad) They call him: Que. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 3.

F.J. LEWIS That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and I've got a pre-schooler at home. MICHAEL There's no denying it. I mean, just look at the evidence, man. It all adds up if you do the research. F.J. LEWIS Research? What research? MICHAEL Our source is gonna reveal everything next week. Bring the storm, it's time for the pain! The toad pees in MikeAnon's hand, prompting him to drop it and wipe his hand on his cargo shorts. MICHAEL Wait-- Who are you looking for? F.J. LEWIS (head in hand) Where. Is. Guidry? MICHAEL Oh, Guidry! Where do you think he is? Michael jerks a thumb towards the shabby dressing trailer, making the 'glug glug' hand motion to denote heavy drinking. INT. - CHEF*TV TALENT TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER A well-worn VHS copy of Goodfellas plays on a janky portable TV/VCR combo unit. Gid swigs whiskey and recites lines from the film currently holding him captivated. F.J. LEWIS Come on Guidry. I know you think they're overly sensitive. You don't have to agree with them. We're so close. Just keep your mouth shut and play along until we can put this in the can and get out of here. GUIDRY CLOCHE Me? Keep my mouth shut? Have we met? I'm not gonna take it. No, I ain't gonna take it. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 4.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) Not this proud American. I'm entitled to my opinion. This is still the United States of goddamn America, isn't it? I believe we have a little something called freedom of speech around here if I'm not mistaken! Onscreen, Stacks puts his shoes on for the last time and Tommy takes his java to go. F.J. LEWIS The cook threatened to knock your teeth out if he heard you say it again. GUIDRY CLOCHE You gotta be fuckin' kidding me? Look, I'm as reasonable as the next guy, but this is fucking censorship! Angrily shutting off the masterpiece, Guidry stands to assume full pontificating posture. GUIDRY CLOCHE I don't care what you say, Dances with Wolves did NOT deserve to win Best Picture. Goodfellas was clearly the superior film. That is a stone cold fact, and facts don't care about your feelings, sir! F.J. LEWIS That makes absolutely no sense. GUIDRY CLOCHE That movie taught me everything I know about show business. Marty got robbed, plain and simple. That man saved my life. Oh, that reminds me. Do you have any more of that Maui Wowee? The producer is taken off guard by the conversation's abrupt left turn. F.J. LEWIS Did you smoke what I gave you already? Jeezus Bob Marley, slow down. I only brought so much. All I got left is some Labrador. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 5.

F.J. LEWIS (CONT'D) And no, I'm not kidding you, so please shut the fuck up about Dances with wolves versus Goodfellas. Those people out there are a little, y'know-- funny about that. The gentle ribbing does not go over well. GUIDRY CLOCHE What do you mean, 'those people'? Was that some sort of slur? Let me understand this cuz, maybe it's me, maybe I’m a little fucked up maybe. Funny? Funny how? Those people, the ones you're talking about, they make you laugh? F.J. LEWIS Guidry no, You got it all wrong. GUIDRY CLOCHE Are you talking about those hostile savages out there who seemingly have absolutely no taste in either food OR cinema? Is that who you're talking about? Or do you mean the movie-going public in general? Obviously, you're not talking about the Film Critics either, are you? Because THEY overwhelmingly agree with me. F.J. LEWIS I wonder about you sometimes, Guidry. GUIDRY CLOCHE 'Those people' out there are NOT funny. No, I think not. Those people out there are clearly fascists, and we can all agree that in the twenty first century, The United States of America is no place for fascists! After all, isn't fascism an indictment of our entire American society? F.J. LEWIS 'American society' gave it's own citizens Jim Crow and Syphilis. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 6.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (oblivious) Well, they can do whatever they want to you, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to 'those people' badmouth-- F.J. LEWIS You're not even listening, are you? GUIDRY CLOCHE --The United States of America. Amen! Now that that's settled: My cannabis, kind sir. Guidry holds out his hand and makes a grasping motion. GUIDRY CLOCHE Like, right now. Toot sweet! Gimme gimme, chop chop! A weary F.J. LEWIS reaches into the crotch of his jeans and pulls out a sandwich baggie of weed and pauses before handing it over to his jonesing star. F.J. LEWIS Here you go. My own personal stash. (sigh) You're a freak of nature. I only know a couple people who go through herb like that. They're gonna roll you up and smoke you when you die. Why do you get baked so much? GUIDRY CLOCHE My good man, in this line of work, 'getting baked' is a necessity. The munchies are the only way I can stomach the-- Guidry Chong opens the baggie to inspect the merchandise. GUIDRY CLOCHE --the wretched refuse they've been putting in front of me for the last twenty-odd years. F.J. LEWIS Makes sense. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 7.

GUIDRY CLOCHE It's a dirty little secret in the food show biz that just about every TV host is totally shitfaced all the time.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE A TV crew is filming in a Mexican kitchen. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Have you ever seen that 'Three Stooges' looking guy from Minnesota? Andrew Zimmern walks into frame. F.J. LEWIS (V.O.) The one who ate fermented baby armadillo embryos? From offscreen, Zimmern is handed a tray of cherry- topped dessert cups with scaly tails poking out of the whipped cream. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) That's Andy. He used to go out drinking with me and Alton. I could tell you some stories-- Anyway, do you know how they got him to do that armadillo bit on film? (pause) In a word: DRUGS. Offscreen hand shoves a handful of mushrooms into Zimmern's mouth. His eyes become wide as saucers. He grabs one of the cups, drops the tray, and starts scarfing down the contents. He finishes by pulling out a tiny armadillo skeleton from his mouth.

END FLASHBACK F.J. LEWIS Drugs? GUIDRY CLOCHE Sure, I thought you'd never ask. Whatcha got? F.J. LEWIS You just took everything I had. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 8.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Back to what I was saying. Where was I? Oh yeah. DRUGS. Look: If you're bothered watching your favorite basic cable host use copious amounts of drugs, then do me a favor. F.J. LEWIS What's that? GUIDRY CLOCHE When you go back home, I want you to take all your 'Kiss the Cook' aprons, all your Salad Shooters and all your Foreman Grills and burn them. F.J. LEWIS Burn them? GUIDRY CLOCHE Yes, burn them. Cause you know what? The basic cable hosts that made all those hours of high quality entertainment programming that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? REAL fucking high on drugs. Every single one of them. Like REEEEALLY high. Including yours truly. F.J. LEWIS I kinda figured. GUIDRY CLOCHE Except for Nigella Lawson.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE A casket opens and Nigella emerges looking like Elvira. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) She does that weird thing with the placenta, adrenochrome and menstrual blood. She raises a hand mirror to apply lipstick, and the reflection shows only the lipstick. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 9.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Did you know she's like seventy five years old? Nigella is shown in a bathtub. Hanging over it, upside down, is a bound girl. Nigella rises and slices the girl's neck with a scythe. Her blood drains into the tub as Nigella sits down and starts sipping from the tub with a straw.

END FLASHBACK F.J. LEWIS She looks great. GUIDRY CLOCHE Her plastic surgeon is dynamite. What's the name of that strain again? Guidry takes the damp baggie of ball-sack weed gingerly and tosses it on the coffee table. He opens it and takes a sniff. GUIDRY CLOCHE Ooh, the expensive shit, I love it. What kind is this, Labrador? Sounds exotic. (sniffs deeply) It smells kinda-- EARTHY, ya know? It's got great, uh, what does Masaharu-san call it? YOO-MOMMY. Those Yakuza guys. (chuckle) What do I owe you? Guidry reaches into his jacket pocket, removing a wadded ball of crumpled bills, coins, empty mini-bottles, etc. and begins counting. GUIDRY CLOCHE I have uno nickel-ette-- and a guitar pick. Wait? Is that the one Wolfgang Puck gave me? I think it is. Oh hey, what was I thinking? Here, my friend, take this. He tucks a rolled up twenty into F.J.'s breast pocket. GUIDRY CLOCHE Wait! Let me get that back! Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 10.

Guidry extracts the coke bill, unrolls it and licks every single millimeter of it's surface, leaving it wet and icky as he attempts to tuck it back into his producer's shirt. Backing up in disgust, F.J. brushes Guidry's hand away. GUIDRY CLOCHE You don't have any coke, do you? F.J. LEWIS What? No? Why would you think I had coke? GUIDRY CLOCHE I don't know, you live in Hollywood, right? F.J. LEWIS I live in Reseda, Gid. There's a freeway running through my yard. Shrugging, Guidry produces a small baggy. F.J. LEWIS Wait? What is that? Is that coke? GUIDRY CLOCHE Want some? F.J. LEWIS Wait. You already HAD cocaine? GUIDRY CLOCHE Well yeah. I mean, I have SOME cocaine. F.J. LEWIS Uh huh. GUIDRY CLOCHE But I want MORE cocaine. See how that works? He rummages around, moving magazines and opening the minifridge. F.J. LEWIS Thanks for clearing that up, Tony Montana. And before you ask-- GUIDRY CLOCHE (looks to the floor) Goddamn it, where's that twenty? Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 11.

F.J. LEWIS --I absolutely do not want to meet your 'little friend'. GUIDRY CLOCHE Ah, here it is. NOSEDIVE! Guidry raises the rolled bill, inserts it into the baggie and takes a toot, licking the ends of the twenty and rubbing his teeth. Chasing his bump, he takes a swig from the bottle of bourbon and offers the bill to his producer. F.J. LEWIS Holy shit. I can't fucking believe you, man. You're a train wreck. GUIDRY CLOCHE What? C'mon pussy, ya want some or not? F.J. LEWIS No. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, yeah. F.J. LEWIS No, no, no. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. F.J. LEWIS No, no. No, Gid, no. Maybe-- Sensing victory, Guidry offers the rolled up twenty. GUIDRY CLOCHE Go for broke. F.J. LEWIS Okay. Just a taste. GUIDRY CLOCHE Good thinking, man. F.J. LEWIS does a moderate toot from the baggie. His face is stricken, eyes wide and blinking as he wipes at his nose. GUIDRY CLOCHE It's a little harsh. Here. Guidry hands him the bottle of Old Crow. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 12.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Cannonball it! Cannonball! Cannonball comin'-- Without thinking, F.J. takes a swig and immediately regrets it, swallowing half and choking on the other as the liquid burns his throat. GUIDRY CLOCHE Uh-huh? Pretty good, right? You can't get this stuff out in Hollywood. F.J. LEWIS (coughing) Wow, yeah. That's some good shit. GUIDRY CLOCHE Almost completely uncut. My stockbroker Bernie gets it for me special, straight from Panama. Fucking Plutonium Nyborg, man. F.J. LEWIS I think I can feel the Earth vibrating. GUIDRY CLOCHE (enraptured) Seven. Point. Eight. Three. Hertz. The pair exit the trailer, sniffing and pinching their noses as they walk to the café's back door. F.J. LEWIS That reminds me, you gotta give me his number. The returns that guy's getting are ridiculous. I wanna get in before the market tanks again. GUIDRY CLOCHE I'm telling ya, the guy's a fuckin' genius. You can't lose, it's like stealin' money! I can't figure out how he does it. F.J. LEWIS Shit, he can have my 401k, my pension, hell he can have my kid's college fund if he's as good as you say he is. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 13.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Insider tip: Load up on Enron stock, that baby's about to go nuclear. Pets.com too. Blue Horseshoe LOVES Pets.com! Your portfolio will thank me later. F.J. LEWIS Ten four, Gordon Gekko. Let's go. INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER The would-be star of America's Cultural Cuisine stands in front of the bathroom mirror, geeked out of his mind. GUIDRY CLOCHE I never thought I'd say this, but I think I did too much blow. It feels like my throat is completely closing up. Sorry Hollywood, but I just don't think I'll be able to swallow anything. F.J. LEWIS Alright, now that's just bullshit. Quit fuckin' around Gid. Let's get this knocked out. All we got left is the Elk pemmican with black currant demi glace and wild chickweed. Come on, you can do this. GUIDRY CLOCHE You don't understand. I've been served this dish once before in Colorado. At a party after the Super Bowl. I still have nightmares. F.J. LEWIS All right. You've had it before. So what's the big deal?

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE Guidry sits at an award show banquet table. Out of frame hand puts a plate of food in front of him. Guidry takes a bite and turns green in the face, his cheeks swelling. He turns his head and pukes like a fire hydrant. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) I projectile vomited on John Elway. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 14.

The camera pulls back to reveal John Elway sitting next to Guidry, covered in barf. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) I'm banned from the city of Denver to this day. Guidry stands at an airport ticket counter, suitcase in hand. His picture is on the wall, behind the angry airline employees who all point to the nearby exit.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE They still have my picture up in the airport. It's the ONE dish I can't eat. F.J. LEWIS We're in the home stretch, Gid. Don't bail out on me now. You can do it, you just gotta psych yourself up. Remember: It's mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter! GUIDRY CLOCHE Gee thanks, Vince Lombardi. (to his reflection) Alright, you're a professional. You've faced more daunting challenges in your career, right? It's just stinky dried elk smeared with bullshit berries and a sprig of wild bullshit. Chickweed? Who's afraid of that? Those are two of our favorite things. (stares in mirror) Fuck it, I said I would do whatever it takes. I got this. C'mon Hollywood, let's go finger this avocado. F.J. LEWIS Reseda. Wait. What? 'Finger this avocado'? That. That's not, uh, really a thing. That we say. In television. Ever. I mean, what does that even mean? GUIDRY CLOCHE Don't tell me, Padawan. I heard Julia Child say it once. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 15.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) You know who Dame Julia Fucking Child is, don't you? F.J. LEWIS Of course I know who Julia Child is. I'm a producer for CHEF*TV. GUIDRY CLOCHE Well, I was there. I heard her say it with my own ears. So I'm gonna stick with that.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE Julia Child stands on her TV kitchen set. She splashes her sauté pan with cooking sherry before taking a long pull from the bottle. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Course she was blind drunk at the time. The point is I heard her say it. What a great woman. A legend, an icon really. Julia walks off set and lights a cigarette. She pulls down the zipper of her neck-high blouse, revealing a voluptuous chest. She alternates between drags of her smoke, and sips from the sherry bottle. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) You can't tell on TV, but she has a set of natural tits that just won't quit. And let me tell you, I know this for a fact: They're real. And they're spectacular. Huge junkie, by the way. Julia ties off her arm with her teeth and produces a needle. She injects herself and smiles, falling sideways. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) And what a freak in the sack. A total slut. You name it. Anal, S&M, gangbangs. She'll do everyone in the studio. At the same time. Directors, cameramen, parking lot attendants, she takes on all comers. In a bed, Julia's head pokes out from under a blanket. Followed by Guidry's head. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 16.

Pulling back, we see in the bed: A man in a director's cap with a megaphone, A guy holding a boom mike, Julia, Guidry, a woman holding a makeup brush. At the far side of the bed, a horse pops it's head out and lights two smokes, passing one to the make-up girl.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE Good times. I should give the old girl a call, she gets the best Quaaludes. Boy, I could tell you some stories. This one time, we were partying with the ACTUAL Chef Boyardee, right? F.J. LEWIS Here we go-- GUIDRY CLOCHE So there we are, on a three-day binge, covered head to toe in hollandaise sauce. And we're just going at it. F.J. LEWIS We don't have time for this. GUIDRY CLOCHE Now, just as Beef-a-roni boy is about to come, Jules grabs this turkey baster, yells 'Here's your spicy meatball' and jams it-- F.J. LEWIS That's great, Gid. Whatever. You can finish your story later. Come on, my buzz is wearing off. We have exactly (checks watch) nine minutes and-- eleven seconds to get this done before they close. Think we can pull it off? GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, we can pull it, all right. Piece of cake. Never forget who you're working with, junior. You hear me: Never forget. F.J. LEWIS One Take Guidry? Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 17.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Your. God. Damned. Right. F.J. LEWIS Okay, One Take. Let's go finger that avocado. Don't call me Junior, my name is Frank. And for the record, you're only twelve years older than I am. The men toss away paper towels and prepare to leave. Guidry opens the door, looking back as he exits: GUIDRY CLOCHE So, your given birth name is what, Francis? F.J. LEWIS Don't call me Francis, either. Great coke, by the way. INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - MOMENTS LATER F.J. LEWIS Alright Guidry, you're doing great! We're almost done. I need you to wrap things up with the pine-nut clusters bit and then finish with the closing monologue. You ready, One Take? ---and ACTION! GUIDRY CLOCHE Wow! Now, those were delicious. And such a bargain at a buck apiece! I know I'd buy THAT for a dollar. (concluding) I'd like to thank the fine folks at the Crow Flies Café for welcoming us to Montana and filling our bellies and our hearts with warmth, kindness, and the traditional foods of the Native People. I had the most wonderful time with the staff here and they couldn't have been nicer. In the background, all three Crow Flies workers are shaking their heads no. GUIDRY CLOCHE They welcomed me into their lives and their workplace like one of their own. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 18.

RAPHAEL No we didn't. GUIDRY CLOCHE And they'll always be like family to me. JANET Not really. GUIDRY CLOCHE You could say that makes me-- RAPHAEL Don't say it. GUIDRY CLOCHE --an official member of the tribe! MAGGIE For the love of God, here we go again with the stereotypes. GUIDRY CLOCHE Or at least an honorary member. JANET Good Heavens no. RAPHAEL Jesus, Joseph and Mary-- GUIDRY CLOCHE Well then, a trusted friend and ally of the Native Peoples? MAGGIE Your ancestors committed genocide against my ancestors. GUIDRY CLOCHE A beloved visitor? RAPHAEL Don't think we forgot about that. JANET (crosses herself) May God have mercy on your soul. The producer leans over to Rodney F.J. LEWIS We'll fix it in post. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 19.

GUIDRY CLOCHE With so many unique ingredients and unforgettable dishes to choose from, I couldn't tell you which one was my favorite. Don't ask me to choose, they were all delicious. Honestly folks, if I had a gun to my head, I physically COULD NOT take another bite, let alone swallow it. Really, I just couldn't. Guidry moves around the counter to close the show. GUIDRY CLOCHE So as we leave Montana for parts unknown, I'd like to thank you for joining us, and hope that you and your tribe will join us next time. (pivots) You know, there's an awful lot you can tell about a people by their food. Our beautiful country is a tasty place. If you don't stop and take a bite once in awhile, you could miss one of the fifty wonderful flavors that make the United States of America the greatest world in the history of the country. The assembled Native Americans smirk. Raffi coughs into his hand. RAPHAEL (coughing) Bullshit! GUIDRY CLOCHE (quietly) Hey, shut up Geronimo. RAPHAEL Fuck you, John Dunbar. F.J. LEWIS We'll fix it in post. Snatching a tiny pint-sized Old Glory from one of the booths, the host freelances, turning inspirational and offering a bit of homespun wisdom. GUIDRY CLOCHE My fellow Americans, (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 20.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) When the going gets tough and reality bites: Well, no matter the circumstances, no matter the odds, you've got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, dust yourself off, bust out that elbow grease and bite back! Leaning down, he playfully attempts to scratch a scruffy mutt that has somehow wandered onto the set. As contact is made, the little dog suddenly has a go at him and Guidry is nearly nipped. F.J. LEWIS (rolling his finger) Don't worry, keep going. Shaking it off, Guidry rises to deliver the coup de grâce and stick the landing. GUIDRY CLOCHE So, come with me again next week, as we head off the beaten track to sample: America's Cultural Cuisine. F.J. LEWIS Cut! Great job everyone! You killed it, Two Take. GUIDRY CLOCHE What did you call me? MICHAEL (softly) We know, we'll fix it in post. RODNEY (stifling laughter) Alright, let's get the plate in here and get this over with. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, God damn it! Are you really gonna make me do this? Come on! I ate the acorn mush. I even smiled as I did it. The Moose tallow? Sucked it right down, no problem. But c'mon man, can't you just use my body double? F.J. LEWIS You don't have a body double, Gid. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 21.

Guidry grabs Mike by the shoulders and brings him into shot. GUIDRY CLOCHE Sure I do. You'll eat that elk, won't you kid? Come on, take one for the team. MICHAEL I'd rather eat a moccasin. He turns to the Native American crew. MICHAEL Sorry, you guys. No offense. I'm just saying-- JANET None taken. MAGGIE It's all good. RAPHAEL Yeah, it's cool. GUIDRY CLOCHE Wait a minute, Shitting Bull! You got pissed off at me, but you let THAT go? It's because he's Mexican, isn't it? MICHAEL I'm Laotian, actually. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, just shut the hell up you wetback! MAGGIE Laos is in Southeast Asia, in between Thailand and Vietnam. RAPHAEL I've always wanted to go there. MAGGIE (to Frank) I took a geography course at the community college last semester. F.J. LEWIS Wow, well, that course paid off, am I right? Hey, Guidry. Can I speak to you for a minute? Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 22.

RODNEY Yeah Guidry. The boss wants to have a pow-wow. RAPHAEL What did you say, white boy? Mike and all three staff members silently scowl at Rodney. Raphael picks up his cleaver. MICHAEL (to Rodney) Not cool, bro. I didn't get to ask him about the peyote yet. INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER F.J. LEWIS is failing to convince his star to eat the elk pemmican, the last necessary scene of the shoot. F.J. LEWIS Give me the weed back. GUIDRY CLOCHE What? Why? No! F.J. LEWIS It's mine. I paid for it, you didn't. GUIDRY CLOCHE But you gave it to me. F.J. LEWIS Yeah, and I'm taking it back. Come on, cough it up. GUIDRY CLOCHE Why should I? F.J. LEWIS Because you needed something and I gave it to you. But when I asked you for something-- GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, I see where you're going here. F.J. LEWIS You couldn't be bothered. I went out of my way to-- Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 23.

GUIDRY CLOCHE So, what is this? Some kinda quid pro quo thing happening here? F.J. LEWIS You don't know what quid pro quo means, do you? GUIDRY CLOCHE No, but I heard Emeril Lagasse say it while he was tripping balls, so I'm gonna go with that. F.J. LEWIS Fair enough. I want to hear the rest of that story later on.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) It was during an orgy at that festival where everybody throws tomatoes at each other and mashes them on their naked bodies. Boxes of tomatoes line a cobblestone street. Covered in red stains, Guidry mashes a tomato onto Emeril's noggin. Emeril splats one into Guidry's face. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) We were bathing in olive oil, pouring marinara over each other's backs. Guidry and Emeril's eyes lock. Romantic music swells as the duo get very close, in anticipation of a kiss.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE I should probably leave it there out of respect. F.J. LEWIS Was this in Italy? GUIDRY CLOCHE No. Tampa. F.J. slap-fights with Guidry and digs in his jacket pocket to recover Guidry's stash. Including his baggie of Panama's finest. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 24.

Tucking the weed in his jeans pocket, he holds the powder hostage over the toilet. F.J. LEWIS You gonna eat the elk? GUIDRY CLOCHE I'd rather die first. F.J. LEWIS I can arrange that. GUIDRY CLOCHE Very funny, Han Solo Cup. Hand it over. F.J. LEWIS Nope. Not until you agree to finish your last contractually obligated segment. GUIDRY CLOCHE How many bites of that Apache Air Jordan am I contractually obligated to take? F.J. LEWIS Just one. GUIDRY CLOCHE Okay fine. How many times do I have to chew that fucking piece of Necronomicon? F.J. LEWIS I don't know. It is our featured dish. We want to highlight it. GUIDRY CLOCHE Don't fuck with me Hollywood. Guidry steps to the urinal, pissing loudly. GUIDRY CLOCHE HOW. MANY. CHEWS. F.J. LEWIS It's Reseda. Fifty. GUIDRY CLOCHE Fifty? Try twenty. Give me my coke numbnuts. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 25.

F.J. LEWIS Nope. One bite. Fifty Chews. That's the deal. GUIDRY CLOCHE Well I ain't giving you no fifty chews for no coke. F.J. LEWIS Oh then you ain't getting no coke. Know what I'm talking about? F.J. opens Guidry's baggie and prepares to dump and flush. Guidry's resolve is weak: GUIDRY CLOCHE Wait! What if I give you TWO bites and twenty chews for each? F.J. LEWIS That'll work, One Take. He reseals Guidry's baggie and tosses it to him. GUIDRY CLOCHE You drive a hard bargain, sir. F.J. LEWIS That's Hollywood for you. Or in my case, Reseda. GUIDRY CLOCHE Hey, Reseda? F.J. LEWIS What? Our little negotiation here has concluded. I'll see you at the table. Nice doing business with you chum---p! Guidry flushes, turns as he zips and puts his hand out. F.J. LEWIS You want me to shake your hand? Are you joking? You were just touching your dick. GUIDRY CLOCHE It's a custom in the South once a business deal is concluded that the two parties shake hands. It implies good faith. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 26.

F.J. LEWIS I'm not from the South. GUIDRY CLOCHE C'mon Ahab: kybo mein doobage. I got shit to do. F.J. LEWIS I shudder to think where that hand has been. Frank slaps the smoke into Guidry's hand. Tucking it away, Guidry pauses before leaving: GUIDRY CLOCHE You know, they have a word for someone who gives you something and then takes it back for no reason. Do you know what they call that person? Raphael's imposing six-foot eight-inch frame enters the cramped restroom to pee. F.J. LEWIS Nah, Gid. No idea. What DO you call someone who gives you something and then takes it back for no reason? The giant man glances over his shoulder at Guidry, awaiting his reply. GUIDRY CLOCHE Never mind. RAPHAEL Asshole! GUIDRY CLOCHE What? I didn't say anything. RAPHAEL No. The answer to the question is asshole. I had a friend who gave me a Nintendo once. Two days later, he came and took it back. He was an asshole. F.J. LEWIS Enjoy your elk, HOT Take. GUIDRY CLOCHE Thanks, asshole. Okay, how about this? (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 27.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) When you're at a sporting event and you need a ticket, who do you look for? RAPHAEL Gary. GUIDRY CLOCHE Gary? F.J. LEWIS Who's Gary? RAPHAEL Gary's my brother-in-law. F.J. LEWIS The one who shit himself? RAPHAEL No, not that one. A different one. He saw the Great Spirit once, too. But he lies a lot, so, you never know. Besides, scalping was mostly a European practice going back centuries. We said 'fuck you' and did it back to them, but then they turned around and blamed it all on us. So, call my brother-in-law Gary. He works at the stadium. He can get you tickets. He gets an employee discount. We all root AGAINST the home team here anyways. GUIDRY CLOCHE Makes sense to me. Fuck the Cowboys. RAPHAEL Sometimes we'll go to the stadium and use our tickets just to boo. F.J. LEWIS I thought they only did that in Philly. RAPHAEL And don't get me started with that Washington football team-- Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 28.

GUIDRY CLOCHE You know, haystack, I'm starting to like you. RAPHAEL Oh Yeah? I know you can't wait to leave Helena, but it isn't all bad, is it? GUIDRY CLOCHE Not even half bad. I think I've really quite enjoyed it. (to Frank) Hey Hollywood, I mean, Reseda: One more question? F.J. LEWIS What's that, Gid? GUIDRY CLOCHE Spit or swallow? PRODUCER Excuse me? GUIDRY CLOCHE You heard me Spider, you fucking rat. SPIT. OR. SWALLOW? RAPHAEL Giving or receiving? F.J. LEWIS Huh? RAPHAEL Swallow. GUIDRY CLOCHE No thank you. RAPHAEL I wasn't offering. GUIDRY CLOCHE So? Just your opinion? RAPHAEL I thought you were asking which I'd prefer-- F.J. LEWIS DAMN! (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 29.

F.J. LEWIS (CONT'D) (laughing) That kind of burn's gonna require a series of skin grafts. (to Raphael) My man. He daps up RAPHAEL, continuing: F.J. LEWIS Spit or Swallow is a food show thing. The hosts don't swallow everything you see them eating. Honestly they couldn't if they wanted to, because they would get fat and sick, and Americans in general would rather not see those kind of people. So, most of the time the hosts spit it out and leave the rest for the crew. GUIDRY CLOCHE What do you mean, 'those people'? F.J. LEWIS Shut up, Gid. We used to give the leftovers to the homeless, but the last time we did the cops gave us a ticket, so the network won't let us do that any more. RAPHAEL We feed our leftovers to the dog. F.J. LEWIS These shows waste so much food it's shocking. A little sickening, if I'm honest. GUIDRY CLOCHE Yeah, well your dog almost bit me. F.J. LEWIS It's okay, though. The crew appreciates it, and they deserve it. RAPHAEL It's not my dog. F.J. LEWIS Since those guys work as unpaid interns, it's a nice benefit. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 30.

F.J. LEWIS (CONT'D) I mean bonus, they don't get benefits. GUIDRY CLOCHE Well, just keep Cujo out there on a leash before he becomes Old Yeller F.J. LEWIS They get great exposure, so that makes up for not getting paid. It's totally worth it. Anyway-- The towering cook dries his hands, shrugs at Guidry as he leaves. RAPHAEL What is it you straight guys are afraid of? Scared of catching 'The Gay'? It's the year 2000, I thought your kind were enlightened. GUIDRY CLOCHE Thank you, no. I'm straight. F.J. LEWIS Trying new things DOES kinda come with the job, Gid. GUIDRY CLOCHE Stay out of this, Hollywood. RAPHAEL Suit yourself. (chuckles) Besides, I've seen your show. Looked to me like you enjoyed it, Chicken Man. GUIDRY CLOCHE Slow your roll, Stands with Fist up Butt. RAPHAEL Bok bok! (laughing) Don't get so defensive, I'm just saying, you're a good-looking man. You should try it sometime. Who knows, you might like it-- F.J. LEWIS And you really DO have a pretty mouth. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 31.

GUIDRY CLOCHE If you say another word, you lose a testicle. The affable giant opens the door to leave. GUIDRY CLOCHE Hey Tonto, wait! RAPHAEL What? GUIDRY CLOCHE Can you get me some peyote? RAPHAEL No. Now go home and get your fucking shine box. The door closes. Guidry crosses his arms. GUIDRY CLOCHE I can't do it. F.J. LEWIS It's in your contract. GUIDRY CLOCHE We'll get Rodney to do it. F.J. LEWIS Fat chance. Not after that stunt you pulled outside of Albuquerque. You almost got him shot in the foot. GUIDRY CLOCHE I TOLD him to take the left. I can't help it if he doesn't know his left from his right. Besides, so what? He ALMOST got shot in the foot. But he didn't. What is it, a big deal? He'll do it. He just needs the right motivation. We'll just see what a finski can do for that guy's attitude. F.J. LEWIS Doesn't matter, Gid. It's gotta be you. On camera. Eating food. ALL the food. Or else you don't get paid. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 32.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Alright. I'll do it for you, Frank. When we get out of Montana, remind me to fire my fucking agent. INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The entire production crew is chanting 'GID-REE, GID-REE'. The host enters the room like a prizefighter, a towel around his neck. psyching himself up. His opponent is a four-inch long plank of dried, extremely cured elk meat. Guidry stares down at the purple-black obelisk. GUIDRY CLOCHE So, my old nemesis. We meet again. I guess this was inevitable. I'm afraid the stakes are simply too high this time, and today, only one of us is gonna walk away from this table. Spoiler alert: That will be me. You will not be so lucky, old chum. Welcome to your doom, you vile rectangle of Death. He puts knife and fork to pemmican. Neither can dent it's puckered, berry-smeared armor. The fork's tines bend as he saws away with the knife. MICHAEL That dog won't hunt, get a chainsaw! The young sound man hands his electrician's shears to Guidry. RODNEY Try these. They can cut through rhino hide. F.J. LEWIS When did you have to cut rhino hide? RODNEY Hey, I have a life outside this job too, y'know. Guidry nips off two tiny triangles of Woe. F.J. LEWIS Oh come on. The camera can barely see that. Can you cut them bigger? Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 33.

GUIDRY CLOCHE NO. That's it. I'm ready. Let's finger this avocado. MICHAEL Huh? F.J. LEWIS It's a thing. RODNEY No it's not. GUIDRY CLOCHE Shut the hell up, all of you! Is the camera ready? MICHAEL Ready when you are. GUIDRY CLOCHE Alright then. (steeling himself) It begins. F.J. LEWIS Alright people, this is not a drill. Everybody ready? And, ACTION! EXT. - FRONT OF THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - LATE AFTERNOON With a picturesque backdrop and long shadows, the crew are almost finished packing up. The trailer is hooked to the CHEF*TV van, but Guidry and Rodney are nowhere to be found. Some minutes later, the host reappears as Frank and Mike load a final crate and close the van door. F.J. LEWIS Hey, I was looking for you, where did you get to? I looked in your trailer. Figured you'd be stuffing your nose with plutonium nyborg by now. GUIDRY CLOCHE That would be a good guess under normal circumstances, but there was something at the café I wanted to taste. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 34.

MICHAEL (outraged) Wait, you hated everything! You kept saying: 'Oh, I'm not gonna try it. Let's get Mikey!' Well, Mikey ain't trying it either, pal. GUIDRY CLOCHE That's life, I guess. F.J. LEWIS Where's Neumann? GUIDRY CLOCHE I sent him on an errand. Rodney comes running up holding a briefcase. He hands it to Guidry, adding: RODNEY There was a call for you inside. You ride's gonna be a few minutes late. GUIDRY CLOCHE Dammit! Whatever, as long as he gets here before the ex-wife finds out where I am. I owe her a few years of back alimony. F.J. LEWIS How many is that in TV years? GUIDRY CLOCHE Fuck you, State of California. I only moved there for the weed, anyway. Dammit, Humboldt County, why can't I quit you? F.J. LEWIS You have an ex? Wait, YOU were married? GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh yeah. Drunk in Vegas. One of those quickie weddings, y'know. Our publicists kept it out of the Enquirer. The host pulls his wallet, taking out a photo. He shows it to the curious crewmembers. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 35.

MICHAEL Schwing! She's a robo-babe! What say you, Hot Rod? RODNEY She's definitely a fine example of Babia Majora. You were married to HER? How does THAT happen? F.J. LEWIS Seriously Gid, she's completely outta your league, man. Shit, she's more famous than YOU. Way more! (ruefully) Jeez, and after the hours I've spent holding up her poster with one hand-- Guidry puts the picture away. Smiling softly to himself, he reminisces: GUIDRY CLOCHE (wistful) Ah yes, lovely Pamela. What a woman! Couldn't trust her, though. She had a fling with Rick Steves while I was in rehab that second time. Can't really blame her, she always had a thing for him. F.J. LEWIS I still can't believe you were married, especially to HER. Wait? Rick Steves? As in: 'Mayonnaise on White Bread' Rick Steves? Mister 'European Vacation' himself? GUIDRY CLOCHE Let me tell you about THAT guy.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE With his back to camera, Rick Steves stands pissing. Covered in tattoos and wearing a mesh tank top, he smashes an empty wine bottle to the ground. Pulling back, we see that he is peeing on the Eiffel Tower. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) What can I say, women love a bad boy: Onscreen, he's Mister Rogers. Rick stands giving an interview in a long-sleeved shirt and sweater. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 36.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) But let me tell ya: Offscreen, he's Hunter S. fucking Thompson! director yells 'cut'! Rick kicks his interview subject out of frame and rips off the sweater, revealing a Hawaiian shirt. Rick puts on a visor and sunglasses before chugging a bottle of Wild Turkey. In his mouth is a long cigarette holder. He pulls out a large revolver and uses it to shoot the tip of his Dunhill, lighting it.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE What an animal! F.J. LEWIS You know, I think I DID hear that somewhere. The producer motions to Guidry: F.J. LEWIS What do you have there, Gid? Guidry pats the briefcase. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, this? Just a little memento from Big Sky Country. F.J. LEWIS Drugs? GUIDRY CLOCHE Sure, I thought you'd never ask. Whatcha got? F.J. LEWIS Nothing. Like, not even a roach. You smoked all my weed. Literally ALL the pot is gone, and I'm from California, so I brought a LOT of pot. Of all the people I've worked with, it's like, you and Willie Nelson, I swear to God. I salute you. GUIDRY CLOCHE You are doing the Lord's work, my son. Thank you for your donation. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 37.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) Give till it hurts, that's what I say. Whether you know it or not, you are facilitating the creation of television history, my good man. F.J. LEWIS Yeah, well, I don't know about that. GUIDRY CLOCHE After all, this program was made possible in part by charitable contributions to your friendly neighborhood TV host from viewers like you. Thank you! F.J. LEWIS Your welcome. But I really think we're just scratching the surface here, Gid. This show can be about so much more than food: We've gotten great B roll and you've interviewed some really interesting people. Feels like we're making quality television here. Just think how good you could be sober. You've been nominated for three Daytime Emmys and two Golden Globes. I bet you'd win a few if you just gave up the drugs! GUIDRY CLOCHE I don't know, Reseda. Awards were never my thing. Besides, I think drugs have done some great things for today's cable television food show hosts. I really mean that. F.J. LEWIS Accredited medical professionals worldwide and every single law enforcement organization in America would disagree. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, well, allow me to retort: The public would be shocked if they knew the truth. Michael and Rodney rejoin the others to listen. The circle of trust now complete, Guidry explains: Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 38.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Food shows used to be boring. In the past, everybody was sober, and it showed. It was dull chefs doing dull things in dull kitchens from dull camera angles. Those shows were lame, lame, lame and the ratings reflected that. F.J. and crew nod in agreement. GUIDRY CLOCHE But that all changed once the cable companies started sniffing around the kitchen. They had new twenty- four hour specialty channels that were starving for content. F.J. LEWIS Not any more. MICHAEL Yeah, everybody's got a food show these days. GUIDRY CLOCHE Well, it turns out that the usual suspects just couldn't get audiences excited. Ratings were in the toilet across the board. They were so desperate for talent they even considered hiring Donald effing Trump. RODNEY Wow. That's really desperate. MICHAEL What kind of idiot would enjoy watching that illiterate asshole on prime-time television? GUIDRY CLOCHE I know, right? Ew. Can you imagine? But that's where I came in. I saw the handwriting on the wall. The network advertisers wanted a different kind of food show host. A CELEBRITY food show host. They wanted both sizzle AND steak. I wanted steak too, and I had sizzle to burn. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 39.

F.J. LEWIS Sizzle? MICHAEL I get what he's saying. He had, like, y'know-- zazz. RODNEY Yeah, the network wanted to zazz things up a little-- F.J. LEWIS Could you two please stop saying zazz? GUIDRY CLOCHE (continuing) So, long story short: they offered to pay for the steak and we were off and running. They ordered us to film a sample program and sent us out to make an hour of cutting-edge television. We filmed my first pilot while I was on four hits of LSD. RODNEY Awesome! Totally awesome. MICHAEL Alright, Cloche! GUIDRY CLOCHE Not on purpose, my roommate put it in my coffee as a joke. (fondly) Augie Owsley, what a character! I wonder what ever happened to that guy? F.J. LEWIS Holy shit, Dock Ellis. GUIDRY CLOCHE No biggie, I used to forget which day it was all the time back then. I still can't remember half of the last season of 'Bite That Weiner'. RODNEY The hot dog show! I remember that! MICHAEL Me too! Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 40.

GUIDRY CLOCHE Every episode was a drunken, drug- fueled bacchanalia. But it killed in the ratings. People loved it. F.J. LEWIS It had that great opening: 'I'm your host, Guidry Cloche. Every week, we hit the street to find and eat that tubular meat you just can't beat'. GUIDRY CLOCHE I was especially proud of our exposé on the spy ring at Hebrew National. F.J. LEWIS You guys got in a lot of trouble for that, if I remember. GUIDRY CLOCHE We all got fired. MICHAEL That sucks, I loved that show. GUIDRY CLOCHE I learned an important lesson that day, gentlemen. F.J. LEWIS Yeah, never piss off the Mossad. RODNEY What can I say? We answer to a higher authority. GUIDRY CLOCHE Anyway, a few years back, that lost pilot got leaked and went viral with college kids and culinary school students.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE Behind the impressive façade of The Culinary Institute of America, we zoom in through the window. On a sectional in the common area, white-jacketed young people sit in a semicircle around a TV. They point and laugh as onscreen, a tripping Guidry sticks out his tongue and attempts to shave it. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 41.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) They would snort Ritalin and Adderall and have viewing parties where everyone got freaky. One of the students pulls out a pill bottle and dumps two tablets onto the coffee table. He raises a copy of 'The Joy of Cooking' and smashes the pills to powder. With straws to noses, his fellow students descend en masse like vultures to snort up the pile. The circle of sniffling people lift their heads, and Guidry is among them. Putting his arms behind his head, he leans back and lights a spliff, buzzed and smiling. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) I could walk into any Culinary school in America and those kids treated me like a rock star. I even had my own groupies. Guidry looks down to his lap. The top of a blonde, pony- tailed head can be seen bobbing rhythmically. He smiles and closes his eyes, enjoying the 'attention'. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) And it wasn't just the students, it was the teachers too! The blonde rises, wipes her chin, and walks off. Immediately, a white chef's hat takes it's place, continuing to 'work' on a blissed-out Guidry. Soon a arm pushes the instructor away, and a perky brunette groupie kneels to resume pleasuring the star. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) And that's how I met Rachael Ray.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE Man, those were the glory days. F.J. LEWIS You were 'must see' TV back then. MICHAEL People loved to watch you get trashed and knock over a fondue set. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 42.

RODNEY Or shotgun a beer and spit out whatever you were supposed to be eating. GUIDRY CLOCHE Then there was that episode of 'Entrée Flagranté' where I fucked a rotisserie chicken. RODNEY No way! MICHAEL That was you?

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE Guidry stands in front of a rack of twirling roast chicken, back turned to the camera. Reaching in, he removes a golden brown bird carcass. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Standards and Practices came down pretty hard on us for that one. The FLASHBACK host raises a beer bottle, popping a blue pill and drinking deeply. Tossing the empty, he drunkenly unbuttons his trousers. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) They were afraid people would complain, so they blurred out the good stuff. As the camera crew films, Guidry carnally pounds away at the cooked fowl, a black bar covering his eyes as well as the chicken's. Pixelated blocks cover the action. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) You can't show penetration on American TV, but Japan got the full Monty. A heavyset Japanese couple sits watching TV on their sofa, looking traumatized, mouths hanging open. The wife points, as the TV screen shows Guidry lying passed out, covered in grease. An oven-stuffer roaster remains affixed to his groin. The couple look at each other, than over to the dinner table where a cooked chicken sits on a platter. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 43.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE I became an overnight sensation on Yahoo and ratings skyrocketed. Not to brag, but my work single- handedly changed the world of weekly syndicated cable television food slash travel shows. Once I arrived on the scene, the bar was raised. Soon, every food show was trying to keep pace.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE A twentysomething man walks to the entrance of a restaurant accompanied by the 'I'LL EAT THAT!' film crew. A large sign outside reads: 72 OUNCE STEAK CHALLENGE. The young man looks doubtful. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) The networks kept demanding more extreme content. Some guys needed convincing, so the network called in some consultants to help. Grabbing him, they throw their reluctant host into a waiting limousine. Inside is Snoop Dogg holding an enormous joint. The limousine roars off, only to return a second later from the opposite direction. The door opens, and a cloud of smoke billows forth like dry ice. From the fog emerges newly made over Hood Rat: Adam 'Puffy' Richman. Eyes red and half-closed, he grins to reveal a gold 'FOODIE MOB' grill. He daps Snoop, whose limo transforms into a 'Back to the Future' time machine and disappears. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) In the end, food show hosts were getting loaded for the camera, forgetting their lines, passing out on set, puking up the food they were sampling, and nodding off in the middle of their closing segments. The stoned and now affable man waves to the camera. A set of offscreen hands produce a table and chair, another pair coming from above to push him into his seat, reaching in to tie a napkin around his neck. From the opposing side, a cowboy uses a forklift to lower a Brontosaurus-sized steak that covers the entire table. Adam licks his chops and digs in. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 44.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) But viewers loved it! To coin a phrase, they ate that shit up. Advertisers were happy, and the money rolled in. Nothing lasts forever, though. Adam Richman, now yellowish and looking like Jabba the Hut, is wheeled in on a dolly. He is hooked up to a heart monitor, which beeps quietly. Standing before him is a five-foot stack of manhole-sized pancakes. As he takes his first syrup dripping bite, his red, bloodshot eye twitches. Grasping his chest, he keels over to the sound of a flatlining heart monitor.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE It was a fine line: Most of my contemporaries didn't have my kind of tolerance. They were lightweights, and more than one had to have an adrenaline needle jammed through their breastplate.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) I was at a party in England once where Gordon Ramsay got all fucked up on mushrooms. It was a real nightmare. Guidry stands formally dressed, cocktail in hand, chatting with José Andrés. Naked Gordon Ramsay bursts into the room with wild eyes, a mouth full of 'shrooms and a baby sheep in his arms. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) He ran around the kitchen screaming 'Queen Elizabeth is a man' and 'Winston Churchill was full of shit'. Then he punched a cabbie in the face, stole his cab and drove around with a slaughtered lamb in the back seat. A black London taxi careens through the streets at high speed, Gordon Ramsay hanging out of it like Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight. He sideswipes a double-decker bus and runs over ten English bobbies like bowling pins. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 45.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) He almost drove it off London Bridge. They had to fish him out of the Thames. Heading at top speed toward London Bridge, the dead lamb is chucked out of the cab's window. It lands on top of a member of the Queen's Guard, flattening him as he stands on the steps of Buckingham Palace.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE Huge scandal, the paparazzi hounded him for weeks. It made for great television though, and viewership doubled. That was sometime in ninety-seven, ninety-eight. Nobody was charged, of course, because the Queen had a thing with Gordon, and MI6 and the BBC kept it out of the tabloids, but we all know what happened. So, If you don't believe drugs have done anything good for food television, I ask you: What more evidence do you need? RODNEY I'm convinced. MICHAEL Me too. The host gathers his troops together: GUIDRY CLOCHE Listen, fellas: This is my last chance to make it to the big leagues. It's getting harder and harder to protect my tenuous place in the basic cable media food chain. But, as God is my witness: Protect it I shall. I'm a survivor. And I will do anything, EH-NEE- THING to survive. Game shows, public appearances, bookstore signings, mall kiosks. And you guys are gonna help me. You see: I don't feel I have to wipe everybody out, Hollywood. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 46.

F.J. LEWIS Reseda. GUIDRY CLOCHE Just my enemies, that's all. You guys gonna come along with me in these things I have to do or what? Because if not-- RODNEY Hell yeah! This is way better than work release. F.J. LEWIS Work release? You were in jail? RODNEY Long story. I got caught with-- contraband-- at the Nairobi airport. F.J. LEWIS What were you doing in Nairobi? RODNEY I was young and needed the money. GUIDRY CLOCHE You were smuggling drugs? I would have had you pick me up something. RODNEY Nah. Rhino horn. F.J. LEWIS I knew there was more to that story! MICHAEL I'll do it! Why not? I've got nothing better to do. My work visa isn't up for another eighteen months, anyway. GUIDRY CLOCHE What about you, Hollywood? Sorry, I mean: Mister Francis John Lewis, hotshot network television producer. Are you down? Guidry extends his hand, eager fingers wiggling. F.J. LEWIS Am I down? Really? (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 47.

F.J. LEWIS (CONT'D) (considers) No, I don't think so. His response deflates the crew and leaves Guidry hanging. He appears stung. RODNEY Bummer. (to Mike) This is a bummer man. MICHAEL That's a, that's a bummer. F.J. LEWIS I will say that things are looking UP, but I'll let you know after sweeps, alright fellas? The crew grumble as Frank reluctantly returns Guidry's disappointed handshake. MICHAEL Yeah, truly amazing. GUIDRY CLOCHE So be it. I respect your decision either way, sir. F.J. LEWIS Don't worry guys, I'll be in touch. I'll give you a call in a couple weeks after post is finished. RODNEY Deadite. F.J. LEWIS Guidry, you really need to get a cellphone. I mean, get with the program, it's the Twenty-First Century, man. GUIDRY CLOCHE No way. Those things give you cancer. F.J. LEWIS Aww, that's crazy talk-- MICHAEL (to Guidry) Hey, I think your ride's here. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 48.

EXT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ - CONTINUOUS A lifted 4x4 truck pulls up and a well heeled cowboy-type clamors down from the cab. He and Guidry exchange insults. TODD PACKER Hey foodie, I got something you can put in your mouth. GUIDRY CLOCHE Well look who it is: Hopalong Chastity, the virgin cowboy. Better hide the farm animals, Martha. TODD PACKER You sure have come a long way since college, Squidrey. GUIDRY CLOCHE Eat my shorts, Yosemite Sam. TODD PACKER I thought you preferred lacy pink panties, Tinkerbell. You're wearing shorts now like a big boy? (approaches Gid) What's next, a thong? The verbal barbs are followed by warm greetings and a bro hug, revealing the two to be well acquainted. Preparing to go their separate ways, the crew bids farewell to Guidry and his buddy, as the two college chums climb into the extended cab of the idling dually. INT. - TRUCK - FRONT SEAT - CONTINUOUS GUIDRY CLOCHE Yo Dumb Guns, I forgot to ask, did you remember to bring the Plutonium Nyborg? We've only got one bag left. TODD PACKER Roger that Bandit. That's a big ten-four. Cigarette in mouth, Todd produces a briefcase and opens it away from camera, the unseen content's golden glow mimicking Pulp Fiction. GUIDRY CLOCHE Snowman shoots and scores! Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 49.

TODD PACKER What about you, what you got in the trunk? You said you were having trouble with your hookup. GUIDRY CLOCHE Oh, I got it. I told you I would do whatever it took. Donning handmade Italian sunglasses, he whips a similar briefcase onto the truck seat, opening it dramatically. Guidry is momentarily bathed in X-rays, in homage to Repo Man. He removes the designer shades and rummages inside. GUIDRY CLOCHE Don't ask me what I had to do to get it, though. That's a rather tender subject. (wipes his mouth) Let's go find the Loc-Nar. TODD PACKER I've been thinking about this, Gid: You should have a catchphrase, y'know, like BAM! GUIDRY CLOCHE Lagasse stole it from me, that hack! I came up with that one night when we were partying with Jacques Pepin and Mario Batali in the VIP suite at Scores.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE In the neon Babylon of the Asti Spumante Room, four surgically enhanced ladies hoover the cash from four soused patrons. Bouncing butt cheeks hide the men's faces, as a bottle of Dom Pérignon is passed between the hedonists. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Every time that toasted Frenchman slapped a stripper's ass, I would yell 'BAM!' As the night progresses, Emeril and Gid are making it rain for the crowd. Batali and Chef Pepin smoke from a hookah as hardworking girls scoop buckets of cash with glee. Jacques attempts to take a shot of Jack, but drunkenly tosses it over his shoulder. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 50.

GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Long story short, we got thrown out because Batali couldn't keep his hands off the merchandise. With her arm covering the moneymakers, a busty entertainer points to Mario Batali, who holds a bikini top between his teeth, with two more in his hands. Behind Mercedes, two more women in the same topless condition stand covering up and pointing. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) They threw us out like garbage, into the gutter with the rest of the scum. A pair of ginormous bouncers in black satin 'Sparkle Magic' jackets toss the quartet into a pile of trash bags littering the sidewalk of a grimy Big Apple. The rowdy revelers look up just as an orange-haired hobo stumbles by like a toddler, chasing a dollar bill being pulled on a fishing line. TODD PACKER (V.O.) Great guy, ran into him at a fetish club in Moscow.

END FLASHBACK GUIDRY CLOCHE That's all water under the bridge, now though. After we hung out in Tampa, Emeril and I became pretty tight. Guidry removes a teal TEAM TATONKA bowling shirt from the briefcase. Touched, he looks over to the window of the Crow Flies Café and smiles. TODD PACKER Wow. That's cool. You're like a member of the tribe now, huh? Blood brothers. GUIDRY CLOCHE Something like that. The name reads: ASWEELS TODD PACKER Is that your tribal name on there: ASWEELS? Subtitle: Swallow Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 51.

GUIDRY CLOCHE I guess it is, Kemosabe. You know, old pal: If you can't love each other, how the hell can you love someone else? TODD PACKER Now that's profound. THAT should be your catchphrase. GUIDRY CLOCHE I think it's already taken. How about: Don't dream it, be it! TODD PACKER FUCK. YES. Go with that. GUIDRY CLOCHE I'll have to run it past my agent. But that's not why I'm here, old friend. TODD PACKER It's not? Guidry pulls out a doobie and lights it, inhaling deeply before passing it to his friend. GUIDRY CLOCHE (holding smoke) Nope. You see: I have come here today to get wasted and kick ass. (exhales) And I'm already wasted. The frat brothers high five. GUIDRY CLOCHE Let's go play with your big gun. TODD PACKER Hell yeah, I thought you'd never ask. Joint in mouth, Todd tokes and cranks up the tunes. TODD PACKER Watch this, my carbon neutral friend. It's the latest thing. The kids call it 'coal rolling'. EXT. - STREET OUTSIDE CROW FLIES CAFE - CONTINUOUS Music: 'Smokin' by Boston Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 52.

Overdriven guitars kick out the jams as the land yacht pulls away from the curb. The rhinestone cowboy guns the engine and the truck belches a noxious cloud of diesel smoke that engulfs the TV crew. As they roar off, a set of gold-plated truck nuts sway underneath a bumper sticker that reads: 'If you can read this, I'm reloading. We'll be with you momentarily'. INT. - CROW FLIES CAFÉ DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Observing the deplorable cloud of truck exhaust from inside the front of the café, Janet, Maggie, and Raphael sorrowfully shake their heads. Beside them in a woven chair sits an incredibly old Native woman. The unfathomably old person grimaces and mutters in her indecipherable native tongue. The owner nods in agreement. JANET You are so right. Douchebags. MAGGIE What did she say? RAPHAEL Wait? You couldn't understand her? MAGGIE What do you want from me? I'm Shoshone. Has she been here all this time? JANET She was here when I moved in, back in the pantry with the dried apricots. Her dog is around here somewhere. I think we won her in some treaty with the Blackfeet. MAGGIE How old is she anyway? JANET I have no idea. Heck, I don't think SHE knows. Every time I ask she gives me a different answer. RAPHAEL You're Shoshone, girlfriend? Cause I thought your color palette just screamed Navajo. MAGGIE Really? Awww, that's sweet-- Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 53.

A scruffy mutt trots in and sits, tail wagging, looking up at his aged master. The ancient woman, pleased, croaks out another stream of gibberish, eliciting a snort of amusement from the brawny cook. MAGGIE What did she say this time? RAPHAEL She said: "This reminds me of something my great-grandfather used to say all the time: 'We should have killed them when we had the chance'". Music: 'Beautiful Strangers' by Kevin Morby

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