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BAD FOODIE: CHAPTER TWO The Animated Rise of Guidry Cloche Written by Timothy Shireman EXT. - ALLEY BEHIND THE CROW FLIES CAFÉ - AFTERNOON Music: 'Charly' by The Prodigy During a break between filming segments of AMERICA'S CULTURAL CUISINE, two young filmmakers pick daisies from the cracks of the alley sidewalk. The Asian man yelps in goofy surprise when he spies a common toad. He unsuccessfully tries to capture it as it hops away into the tall grass. His gangly companion twirls and flits like a ballerina, curly hair decorated like a May Queen with dandelions, daisies, and crabgrass woven into a bio-degradable headpiece. Brushing open the screen door, producer F.J. LEWIS exits the rear of the old building and turns to his camera crew, who are loitering yards away. F.J. LEWIS Alright fellas, last segment. Then we can knock out the closing monologue. The pair look dazed and strangely aloof. F.J. LEWIS Where's Guidry? RODNEY (hands waving in the air) I dunno, man. MICHAEL (giggles) It wasn't my turn to babysit him. F.J. LEWIS Yes it was! I literally told you ten minutes ago to not let him out of your sight. You had one job! (to Rodney) Where did you see him last, Neumann? RODNEY We smoked some toad venom with him about five minutes ago and he said he was gonna go watch Goodfellas. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 2. RODNEY (CONT'D) Then the sun came down and picked him up, and he got into this badass Camaro Z28 and him and Jerry Garcia and the sun went to go kick the Moon's ass, which is weird. F.J. LEWIS Great. Does anyone who isn't hallucinating know where he is? In THIS reality? I told you guys not to smoke that stuff until we were done filming. By the way, Einstein, Jerry Garcia's been dead for like, five years. (nods) And that's poison ivy. RODNEY I know man, but hear me out: THAT'S what made it so weird. I ran up to him and I was like: 'Hello, Jerry'. And Jerry was like: 'Hello, Neumann'. (hands at temples) Mind. Blown. He said my name! Jerry fucking Garcia knows who I am! MICHAEL (holding toad) He isn't dead. That's what they WANT you to think. Don't be a sheeple. F.J. LEWIS Sheeple? MICHAEL I've been doing a lot of research on online forums and it is now painfully obvious that Jerry Garcia faked his death. (toad escapes) This former CIA hacker said he has proof that he is alive and well. He's living in the Amazon rainforest, leading a group of eco- terrorists fighting a guerilla war, sabotaging the oil company's bulldozers. The local pygmy headhunter tribe made him their king or something. (recaptures toad) They call him: Que. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 3. F.J. LEWIS That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and I've got a pre-schooler at home. MICHAEL There's no denying it. I mean, just look at the evidence, man. It all adds up if you do the research. F.J. LEWIS Research? What research? MICHAEL Our source is gonna reveal everything next week. Bring the storm, it's time for the pain! The toad pees in MikeAnon's hand, prompting him to drop it and wipe his hand on his cargo shorts. MICHAEL Wait-- Who are you looking for? F.J. LEWIS (head in hand) Where. Is. Guidry? MICHAEL Oh, Guidry! Where do you think he is? Michael jerks a thumb towards the shabby dressing trailer, making the 'glug glug' hand motion to denote heavy drinking. INT. - CHEF*TV TALENT TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER A well-worn VHS copy of Goodfellas plays on a janky portable TV/VCR combo unit. Gid swigs whiskey and recites lines from the film currently holding him captivated. F.J. LEWIS Come on Guidry. I know you think they're overly sensitive. You don't have to agree with them. We're so close. Just keep your mouth shut and play along until we can put this in the can and get out of here. GUIDRY CLOCHE Me? Keep my mouth shut? Have we met? I'm not gonna take it. No, I ain't gonna take it. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 4. GUIDRY CLOCHE (CONT'D) Not this proud American. I'm entitled to my opinion. This is still the United States of goddamn America, isn't it? I believe we have a little something called freedom of speech around here if I'm not mistaken! Onscreen, Stacks puts his shoes on for the last time and Tommy takes his java to go. F.J. LEWIS The cook threatened to knock your teeth out if he heard you say it again. GUIDRY CLOCHE You gotta be fuckin' kidding me? Look, I'm as reasonable as the next guy, but this is fucking censorship! Angrily shutting off the masterpiece, Guidry stands to assume full pontificating posture. GUIDRY CLOCHE I don't care what you say, Dances with Wolves did NOT deserve to win Best Picture. Goodfellas was clearly the superior film. That is a stone cold fact, and facts don't care about your feelings, sir! F.J. LEWIS That makes absolutely no sense. GUIDRY CLOCHE That movie taught me everything I know about show business. Marty got robbed, plain and simple. That man saved my life. Oh, that reminds me. Do you have any more of that Maui Wowee? The producer is taken off guard by the conversation's abrupt left turn. F.J. LEWIS Did you smoke what I gave you already? Jeezus Bob Marley, slow down. I only brought so much. All I got left is some Labrador. (MORE) Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 5. F.J. LEWIS (CONT'D) And no, I'm not kidding you, so please shut the fuck up about Dances with wolves versus Goodfellas. Those people out there are a little, y'know-- funny about that. The gentle ribbing does not go over well. GUIDRY CLOCHE What do you mean, 'those people'? Was that some sort of slur? Let me understand this cuz, maybe it's me, maybe I’m a little fucked up maybe. Funny? Funny how? Those people, the ones you're talking about, they make you laugh? F.J. LEWIS Guidry no, You got it all wrong. GUIDRY CLOCHE Are you talking about those hostile savages out there who seemingly have absolutely no taste in either food OR cinema? Is that who you're talking about? Or do you mean the movie-going public in general? Obviously, you're not talking about the Film Critics either, are you? Because THEY overwhelmingly agree with me. F.J. LEWIS I wonder about you sometimes, Guidry. GUIDRY CLOCHE 'Those people' out there are NOT funny. No, I think not. Those people out there are clearly fascists, and we can all agree that in the twenty first century, The United States of America is no place for fascists! After all, isn't fascism an indictment of our entire American society? F.J. LEWIS 'American society' gave it's own citizens Jim Crow and Syphilis. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 6. GUIDRY CLOCHE (oblivious) Well, they can do whatever they want to you, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to 'those people' badmouth-- F.J. LEWIS You're not even listening, are you? GUIDRY CLOCHE --The United States of America. Amen! Now that that's settled: My cannabis, kind sir. Guidry holds out his hand and makes a grasping motion. GUIDRY CLOCHE Like, right now. Toot sweet! Gimme gimme, chop chop! A weary F.J. LEWIS reaches into the crotch of his jeans and pulls out a sandwich baggie of weed and pauses before handing it over to his jonesing star. F.J. LEWIS Here you go. My own personal stash. (sigh) You're a freak of nature. I only know a couple people who go through herb like that. They're gonna roll you up and smoke you when you die. Why do you get baked so much? GUIDRY CLOCHE My good man, in this line of work, 'getting baked' is a necessity. The munchies are the only way I can stomach the-- Guidry Chong opens the baggie to inspect the merchandise. GUIDRY CLOCHE --the wretched refuse they've been putting in front of me for the last twenty-odd years. F.J. LEWIS Makes sense. Written with Arc Studio: www.arcstudiopro.com 7. GUIDRY CLOCHE It's a dirty little secret in the food show biz that just about every TV host is totally shitfaced all the time. FLASHBACK SEQUENCE A TV crew is filming in a Mexican kitchen. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) Have you ever seen that 'Three Stooges' looking guy from Minnesota? Andrew Zimmern walks into frame. F.J. LEWIS (V.O.) The one who ate fermented baby armadillo embryos? From offscreen, Zimmern is handed a tray of cherry- topped dessert cups with scaly tails poking out of the whipped cream. GUIDRY CLOCHE (V.O.) That's Andy. He used to go out drinking with me and Alton. I could tell you some stories-- Anyway, do you know how they got him to do that armadillo bit on film? (pause) In a word: DRUGS. Offscreen hand shoves a handful of mushrooms into Zimmern's mouth. His eyes become wide as saucers. He grabs one of the cups, drops the tray, and starts scarfing down the contents.