Love and Politics

Home , Coming with You, Everything I Wanted, Excuse Me Miss, Jon Klein (CNN), Thought About You

LOVE AND POLITICS

A play by

Jon Klein

Jon Klein (301) 874-3584 [email protected]

Characters: In order of appearance: 2 males, 2 females

SHELLY, late twenties, white

HENRY, early sixties, white

TASH, late twenties, any cultural or racial identity, except white

BARBARA, early sixties, white

Time:

Probably at this very moment.

Settings:

An American Midwestern city, with two main locations:

A neighborhood coffee shop – two small tables, with two chairs each

SHELLY’s kitchen – a larger table with four chairs

The rest of these two environments can be suggested, rather than fully designed. 3

Scene One – The Coffee Shop

Wednesday. Lunch hour.

SHELLY sits at one table, reading a print newspaper and drinking an iced coffee. She wears an orthopedic brace for her wrist and thumb on her right hand.

She faces HENRY, who is at the other table, struggling with his cell phone. He faces away from her.

HENRY Damn it.

Clearly frustrated, he puts down his phone and takes a sip of his hot coffee. He burns his mouth.

Shit.

SHELLY looks up at him. HENRY picks up his phone and begins to look around for someone to help him. She notices him squirming, then returns to her paper.

HENRY turns in her seat, sees her there, and addresses her.

Excuse me? Miss? Hello? Miss?

She slowly raises the newspaper to hide her face.

Undeterred, he walks over to her table with his phone.

Hello? Sorry to bother you.

Giving up, she puts down her paper and gives him a fake smile.

SHELLY Yes?

HENRY I wonder if you could help me figure out how to use this thing.

SHELLY New phone?

HENRY I’ve had it for three years.

SHELLY Oh.

HENRY And yes, I really am that old and pathetic.

SHELLY You don’t seem pathetic.

HENRY But no argument with old.

SHELLY I didn’t mean -

HENRY I know you didn’t. I’m just giving you …

SHELLY Shit.

HENRY I would never say that.

SHELLY You just did.

HENRY When?

SHELLY When you thought no one was listening.

HENRY Oh shit. I’m sorry.

SHELLY It’s fine. What’s wrong with your phone?

HENRY I’m trying to figure out how to forward a text.

SHELLY Really. After three years.

HENRY I just forgot how. I’ve done it before, I’m sure.

SHELLY You have?

HENRY At least once.

SHELLY Hand it here. Have a seat.

HENRY You sure?

SHELLY I’m just waiting for my boyfriend.

HENRY You don’t have to make something up.

SHELLY You don’t believe I could have a boyfriend?

HENRY Of course not! I think you could have dozens of them.

SHELLY That doesn’t sound much better.

HENRY I just mean … I’m not here to pester you. In that way.

SHELLY I know that – what’s your name?

HENRY Henry.

SHELLY I’m Shelly.

HENRY I really appreciate the help.

SHELLY So … let’s take a look. With your permission.

HENRY Feel free.

Pause.

HENRY (cont.) We both have cat names.

She looks up.

SHELLY Pardon?

HENRY Names that end in “ee” sounds. That’s attractive to cats. The way the inflection goes up at the end? With a high-pitched ending. That’s how cats prefer to be addressed. So names like Henry and Shelly are ideal. Whereas a name like - Roger - will be ignored. They don’t realize you’re talking to them. That’s the main reason people think cats are aloof. They’ve been given the wrong names.

SHELLY I see. Do you have a cat?

HENRY No. I did. But he ran away.

SHELLY What was his name?

HENRY Roger.

Pause.

That was my mistake.

She returns to the phone.

SHELLY Okay. Watch what I do.

She demonstrates.

So. You tap on the message and hold it. Then this thing pops up. You want to copy it before you send it?

HENRY I don’t think so.

SHELLY Then just hit “more.” Now tap that little arrow at the bottom to share it, and there it is. Now just type in the person you’re sending it to.

HENRY Which is who?

SHELLY I think you’ll have to figure that out yourself.

HENRY I mean, what do I type?

SHELLY Their name.

HENRY I don’t know their names. Not all of them.

SHELLY Well, then I guess you should probably start with one you know.

HENRY Thanks very much, Shelly.

SHELLY Don’t mention it. Good luck.

HENRY You helped a lot.

SHELLY Bye.

HENRY returns to his table, and struggles to type in the name. He hits a button and waits.

HENRY Nothing.

He turns around again.

Nothing happens.

SHELLY Let me see.

He brings it back to her. She looks at it.

Pause. She looks back at him.

SHELLY This is the person to whom you’re forwarding a text?

HENRY Yes. One of nine.

SHELLY I’m aware of that. He’s the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

HENRY Did I spell his name wrong or something?

SHELLY No, the name is correct. But I suspect he’s not in your contact list.

HENRY I can’t imagine why he would be.

SHELLY Then you have a problem.

HENRY Why? This message isn’t disrespectful.

SHELLY Not the issue, Henry.

HENRY I always show respect. Well, a modicum. Unlike most other people.

SHELLY It’s not about content. It’s about access.

HENRY Meaning?

SHELLY Meaning the Justices on the Supreme Court of the United States probably aren’t set up to receive text forwarding from private citizens.

HENRY That doesn’t seem fair.

SHELLY I agree. Maybe you could try Twitter?

HENRY I’ve heard of that.

SHELLY Good.

HENRY Think that would get their attention? Cause I tried writing regular letters for a while. But they didn’t get through.

SHELLY You don’t know that for sure.

HENRY Yes I do. The FBI came to see me.

SHELLY Oh my God.

HENRY They were very nice.

SHELLY Why did they do that? Did you make threats?

HENRY Not at all. I know better than that. Like you said, it wasn’t content. It was quantity.

SHELLY Quantity.

HENRY Yeah. Like … ten or twelve. Each.

SHELLY So … we’re talking a total of -

HENRY A hundred. Give or take.

SHELLY I can understand why they might have concerns.

HENRY I guess so. They just suggested that I not use the US Mail. At least not till it gets privatized.

SHELLY I see.

HENRY Come to think of it, they were a bit dismissive. Asked me if I had any children they could call to check on me.

SHELLY Do you?

HENRY No. But I’m not senile. I’m only in my mid sixties. I do just fine by myself.

SHELLY Except with your phone.

HENRY Hey. It’s not unusual for people my age to be technologically challenged. Or to be a bit behind. I still have a VHS player.

SHELLY That’s not so unusual. It must be nice to be able to watch old tapes.

HENRY Not really. I can’t work it.

Pause.

So you think this Twitter thing is the answer?

SHELLY Maybe.

HENRY I kinda hate the idea of using that. Considering who does use it.

SHELLY Say no more.

HENRY Not a fan.

SHELLY Me either.

HENRY Really? That’s a relief. You never know nowadays.

SHELLY Oh, there’s more of us than you may think. Or at least, less of them.

HENRY I like your attitude. So maybe you could help with this Twitter stuff?

SHELLY Oh, I think you better find someone else to help you with that. I may be contributing to unforeseen catastrophic forces.

HENRY I understand.

SHELLY Besides, my boyfriend will be here any second.

HENRY Oh, of course. You’re very kind to spend a few minutes with me.

SHELLY Not at all. Sorry I wasn’t much help.

HENRY That’s the most help I’ve had in three years. For anything.

SHELLY Oh, I don’t believe that for a second.

HENRY Trust me. Have a good lunch. I think they have a decent turkey sandwich here. They call it a “protein box.” Seems weird to me. But then, everything seems weird to me.

SHELLY I know what you mean.

HENRY Thanks again.

SHELLY Good luck with your message.

HENRY Like I said, it’s respectful.

SHELLY It would be fine with me if you weren’t. To him, anyway.

HENRY Great. Thanks again.

He walks away, hesitates and returns.

If you don’t mind … I just want to say … how refreshing it is to see a young person reading an actual newspaper.

SHELLY Yes, well, there’s a reason for that.

She holds up her wrist brace.

HENRY You mean …

SHELLY Carpal tunnel.

HENRY Wow. From a device?

SHELLY Not just one. I have several.

HENRY I can relate. I have a portable TV. An old Sears model, runs on D batteries. I carry it from room to room. And sometimes my arm hurts. All to watch NCIS. I mean, it’s on all the time. Hard to avoid it.

SHELLY What is that, a television show?

HENRY You don’t watch television?

SHELLY God yes. But for me, it’s cable news. It’s on all the time. It drives my boyfriend crazy whenever he comes over. And when that’s not on, it’s news feeds. And podcasts, and text alerts, you name it. I’m addicted to news.

HENRY Probably better than my own addiction.

SHELLY Which is what? Booze? Opioids?

HENRY Ice cream. I try to control myself, but one trip to the grocery and -

SHELLY Ice cream? That’s healthy in comparison with a news addiction. Hell, heroin would be healthier. Here’s my bedtime ritual. Holding my phone while lying in bed, with my IPad next to me, watching cable news on my laptop. That’s a lot of serotonin being drained when you’re trying to sleep.

HENRY Good lord. Is that how you (pointing to her brace) …

SHELLY That’s right. I didn’t used to be like this. But things changed. America changed.

HENRY I’m sorry.

SHELLY Why? You didn’t cause it. Did you, Henry? Did you change America? 13

HENRY I don’t think so.

SHELLY Of course not. But it changed all the same. Practically overnight. Without warning. Without detection. And I searched for answers, through every electronic means at my disposal. In a textbook case of self abuse, like some kind of a mad zealot, walking on pebbles and wearing a hair shirt. Until I injured myself in my search for knowledge. Now I’m forced to rely on this ancient papyrus, perusing these printed hieroglyphics, in the vain hope that I’ll find enlightenment.

HENRY Maybe I should -

SHELLY And you know what I’ve discovered in these fragile, flammable pages? Not the information, that’s beside the point. I’ve discovered some things about myself. For example. I don’t miss the shouting, and the spinning, and the baiting, and the finger pointing, and the predicting, and the false hoping, and the general bullshit of mainstream news reporting. Why was I so dependent? Why did I crave it like a junkie or an alcoholic? Why was it all so important? What did it mean to me? Why does anyone follow the news? When none of it is ever actually new? Can you tell me that, Henry?

She surfs for a website on HENRY’s phone.

Here, look at that. Ever hear of Politico?

HENRY Can’t say that I have.

SHELLY Take a look at that. The lead story. Does that seem like news to you? Haven’t you seen it before?

HENRY Yeah. Probably.

SHELLY Definitely. We’ve seen it before, and we’ll see it again. We’re stuck in a loop. There’s no going back, and there’s no going forward. We’re in some kind of Twilight Zone.

HENRY Now that was a good show.

SHELLY That’s not my point. Never mind, I don’t have a point.

Pause. She reads the story with sadness.

HENRY Can I have my phone back now?

She looks up at him in a daze. She regains her composure and hands him the phone.

SHELLY Sorry.

HENRY You okay now?

SHELLY I just … it’s just … yeah. Okay. I’m okay.

HENRY You scared me.

SHELLY Probably just from holding a phone again. Withdrawal symptoms.

HENRY I’ll say.

TASH enters, wearing an undershirt and jeans. He carries a brown lunch bag. He waves to SHELLY and approaches the table.

SHELLY Here’s Tash.

HENRY What?

TASH Hi. Everything all right?

SHELLY Yeah. Henry just needed a little help with his phone.

TASH Oh. Did she help?

HENRY Yep. She was very nice.

TASH Okay then. Good.

TASH sits down. He cocks his head at HENRY, who still stands there.

TASH (cont.) So …

SHELLY Tash, this is Henry.

TASH gives HENRY a quick handshake without standing up.

TASH Right. Henry.

HENRY I’m sorry, your name is …

TASH Tash.

HENRY Is that short for something?

TASH No. It isn’t.

HENRY An unusual name.

TASH Not to me.

Pause.

Which one is your table, Henry?

HENRY turns around and looks at it.

HENRY This one. Over here.

He turns back to them.

I’ll go there now.

SHELLY Nice to meet you, Henry.

TASH Take care. 16

HENRY You too.

HENRY returns to his table, his back to them as before.

TASH What was with him? Was he giving you trouble?

SHELLY No. Just a nice old man. Seemed lonely.

TASH Right.

SHELLY Really, Tash. You didn’t bring a shirt?

TASH Give me a break, Shel. It’s clean and dry.

SHELLY This isn’t New Orleans. And you’re not Marlon Brando.

He frowns at her.

Sorry. That may be a strange cultural reference for you.

TASH I’m familiar with Tennessee Williams.

SHELLY Sorry. I wasn’t sure.

TASH I read it in high school. In English. Okay?

SHELLY Okay. Don’t get defensive.

TASH It’s ninety in the shade out there. It’s like a sauna under my overalls. At least I took those off.

SHELLY Thank you for that.

TASH You know, if you’re going to turn this into a class thing -

SHELLY I’m not -

TASH Next time we can just meet at the taco truck. Food’s better there anyway.

SHELLY That’s not what I meant.

TASH Seems like it. Seems like you’re a little embarrassed to be seen in public with a guy who does manual labor.

SHELLY Oh come on, Tash. I’m just saying -

TASH You’re just saying that it’s okay to date a house painter as long as I don’t indicate what I do for a living.

SHELLY This isn’t a turf war, Tash. It’s a T-shirt. And it’s got paint on it.

TASH Where?

SHELLY On the collar. See?

TASH examines his collar.

TASH Oh. That is embarassing. I’m sorry.

SHELLY I don’t care. Just makes it hard for me to kiss you. At least, the way I’d prefer. Instead you’ll have to make do with the chaste peck. Not my preference.

TASH Mine either. I’m sorry, Shel.

SHELLY So you can admit you’re being a bit defensive?

TASH Yeah. It’s this woman who hired us. She insists on supervising us every fifteen minutes. You know the kind. A real – you know.

SHELLY I know. 18

TASH And naturally, I’m the main target of her criticism. We both know why.

SHELLY That’s terrible. Can you talk to Ed about it?

TASH He’ll just say what he always says. “It’s just words, Tash. Don’t let it bother you. Let’s just give her what she wants and get the hell outa Dodge.” For some reason, every white lady that needs a kitchen painted lives in Dodge.

HENRY involuntarily chuckles, quickly turning it into a throat clearing.

SHELLY Not every -

TASH Yeah, I know. I’m just kinda pissed today. Don’t mean to take it out on you.

She takes his hand.

SHELLY What’s a girlfriend for?

TASH You mean besides -

SHELLY Stop it. Tell you what, come over tonight and we’ll fix some stir fry.

TASH You and your mom, I suppose.

SHELLY That’s the deal, Tash. You know she has to live with me now. She couldn’t help that my dad died sixty thousand in debt.

TASH I know -

SHELLY Besides, she likes you.

TASH I don’t know about that. I do know she doesn’t approve of me.

SHELLY That’s not true.

TASH How bout you come over to my place? I’ll do dinner.

SHELLY I’ve had my fill of Chipotle.

TASH Nah, I’ll make it. How about salmon?

SHELLY On a Foreman grill that you haven’t cleaned since you graduated? No thanks.

TASH I’ll buy a new one.

SHELLY Look, it won’t be that bad. We bought pistachio ice cream.

HENRY jerks his head up.

TASH Okay, I guess.

SHELLY Good.

TASH Let’s make it interesting. See how long it takes for her to ask when I’m going to look for a new job. Five bucks says before dinner ends.

SHELLY She doesn’t understand.

TASH Well, how long does it take? I’ve explained it a dozen times.

SHELLY It’s not that bad.

TASH How bout that bet? Wanna make it ten?

SHELLY You said five.

TASH I sense a lack of confidence.

SHELLY Fine. Ten it is.

TASH Easy money.

SHELLY And later on …

TASH What?

SHELLY You can help me with a new campaign.

TASH Oh God, Shel. No.

SHELLY There’s a new special election in Missouri.

TASH There’s always a special election somewhere. I hate writing postcards. Prepackaged, cornball slogans about people I’ve never heard of in some other state.

SHELLY No postcards this time. These are text blasts.

TASH Ugh! Even worse. All those obscene replies. Telling me what I can do with my vote reminders.

SHELLY I made a commitment, Tash.

TASH How many names?

SHELLY Only a hundred.

TASH For God’s sake -

SHELLY You can split them with Mother. That’s only fifty.

She lifts her wrist brace.

You know I wouldn’t ask unless I had to. If only I was physically capable …

TASH The sympathy card? Really?

SHELLY Can I help it if my political passions result in personal injury?

TASH Yes, actually, you can. You have the choice not to participate. As I constantly tell you.

SHELLY Pretty please?

Pause.

TASH sighs in resignation.

Thank you. You won’t regret it.

TASH Of course I will. I always do. For one reason or another. And it’s always Missouri, or Arkansas, or Alabama, or some place like that. There’s never even some kind of local connection to motivate me.

SHELLY I know how to motivate you.

HENRY starts to turn.

TASH Cut it out. People are listening.

SHELLY Like who?

TASH Like that old perv who was hitting on you.

HENRY jerks back around, knocking his cup over. He digs some napkins out of the table napkin holder, to clean up the spill.

SHELLY glances his way.

SHELLY He’s not paying any attention. Will I see you tonight?

TASH I guess. Sounds as much fun as a root canal.

SHELLY Don’t exaggerate. More like a small cavity.

She looks at her watch.

SHELLY (cont.) Whoa. Gotta go.

TASH What? I just got here.

SHELLY I only get a half hour, Tash. And tomorrow’s a big grant deadline. We’ve got a ton of proposals to process.

TASH Funny how people need written applications to achieve social justice.

SHELLY To fund it, yes. You know how it works.

TASH I know that it won’t work. Not that way.

SHELLY I’ve heard your views on grassroots activism, Tash. Many times.

TASH Whatever.

SHELLY stands up.

SHELLY Don’t let that housewife get you down. Draw a middle finger under a pantry shelf or something.

TASH Right. That would encourage her not to be a racist.

Shelly kisses him, very nicely. She pulls away and smiles.

TASH You forgot about my collar.

SHELLY No I didn’t. I’ll see you later.

TASH Unless I change my mind.

SHELLY You won’t.

She exits. HENRY turns around to see her go. TASH looks around, pulls a sandwich out of his bag and starts to unwrap it. 23

HENRY They’ll want you to buy something.

TASH turns around.

TASH I’m sorry?

HENRY I’ve tried it myself. They might throw you out.

TASH They can try.

HENRY Let me buy you a coffee.

TASH No thanks.

HENRY No really. I’m getting a refill anyway.

TASH Well, okay. Plain with milk. No sugar. Here.

He begins to take out his wallet.

HENRY Forget it. It’s on me.

TASH That’s not -

But HENRY is gone. TASH watches him go, shrugs and takes a bite of his sandwich.

He notices that HENRY has left his phone behind. He stands up and walks over to HENRY’s table to retrieve it.

Not sure if he should call him, he finally decides to take it with him back to his own table.

He can’t help but glance at the text message.

What the – oh my God.

He continues to read, with growing alarm.

HENRY returns with two coffees. He swings by his table first, but sees that someone took his phone.

HENRY Uh-oh.

TASH turns around.

TASH I brought it over here. Didn’t want anyone to steal it.

HENRY Oh, thank heavens. That’s very thoughtful of you. And very mindless of me.

He brings the coffees over and takes SHELLY’s old chair.

TASH I couldn’t help but notice … do you actually know the Chief Justice?

HENRY Never met the man. I’m just a crank.

TASH I see.

HENRY Don’t look at me that way. I’m very respectful.

TASH Absolutely. Here. You misspelled “swine.”

He hands the phone back.

HENRY Oh, thanks. That would have been embarrassing.

TASH Right. The spelling.

HENRY I guess you think it would be a mistake to send it.

TASH I’d say it might result in a misunderstanding. And possible jail time.

HENRY That’s what Shelly said. Then I guess I won’t send it. Don’t know how anyway. I’m more of a snail mail guy.

TASH Okay.

HENRY You two seem like you’ve known each other a while.

TASH We met in grad school.

HENRY She seems like a very nice person.

TASH She is.

HENRY I wonder if you wouldn’t mind a bit of advice from an old man.

TASH Don’t tell me. You think we’re not right for each other.

HENRY Not at all.

TASH I should stick with my own kind, right?

HENRY Do people actually say these things to you?

TASH Usually old white folk like you. Am I misrepresenting you?

HENRY I’d say so. I mean, I am old and white, not much I can do about that. But I think you guys make an adorable couple. Warms my heart.

Pause. TASH relaxes.

TASH Okay. Sorry. Chip on my shoulder, I guess. Bad day at work.

HENRY I’m just trying to encourage you.

TASH You think I need encouragement? 26

HENRY A little guidance, maybe. From someone who made some mistakes at your age. Mistakes I still regret.

TASH Sorry to hear that.

HENRY I guess you can say I’m a romantic.

TASH Good for you. But I think I can handle things from my end.

HENRY I’m sure you can. It’s just that – well, we old folk occasionally like to share what we’ve learned over a lifetime of experiences. And there’s not often anyone available to share with.

TASH You were eavesdropping, weren’t you?

HENRY Your voices carry. It’s what’s called ambient noise. A big problem for the older generation.

TASH So is being nosy.

HENRY Okay. I can see I’m interfering.

TASH A little bit.

HENRY stands.

HENRY It’s just that – never mind.

TASH What?

HENRY It doesn’t matter to you.

TASH Just finish it.

HENRY She … reminds me of someone I used to know. When I was your age.

TASH I see.

HENRY Someone I lost.

TASH Look. Sit down.

HENRY No, I can tell when I’m -

TASH You’re right, it won’t me hurt to listen. And if it makes you feel better -

HENRY I just want to be helpful. Your girlfriend helped me, and I wanted to help you in turn. But maybe you don’t need help.

TASH Everyone needs help. Have a seat.

HENRY sits.

Now, I will be happy to consider the ancient wisdom of a revered elder.

HENRY I’m not that old. And you’re a bit sarcastic.

TASH Duly noted. Anything else?

HENRY I take it that Shelly is interested in politics?

TASH You too, I guess.

HENRY Me? No. Not really.

TASH Coulda fooled me. Considering your message to the Supreme Court.

HENRY Just a mild admonition.

TASH The word “swine” suggests otherwise.

HENRY Anyway, back to Shelly -

TASH Yes, you could say she’s political. That’s putting it mildly. She works for a non-profit charitable fund. Which supports economically challenged communities.

HENRY That sounds very fulfilling.

TASH Oh it is. For her.

HENRY You’re skeptical.

TASH I worked there for a year after graduation. As a matter of fact, I got Shelly her job. But yeah, you could say I was disillusioned. We were throwing a lot of money at problems, but most of those problems just got replaced by other problems. I never did like playing Whack-a-mole.

HENRY It takes time.

TASH You sound like Shelly. Anyway, I quit. Then I actually applied for one of those social grants to see if I could make a difference out in the field. As a community organizer. And lo and behold, I got one. And I organized. Thought I found my calling. Got some other folks to pitch in, and before long we had a pretty good neighborhood. Ever hear of Waterside?

HENRY Oh, yeah. That’s nice over there.

TASH You’re making my point, Henry. It used to be nice. Four blocks square – not a huge difference, but pretty cool if you lived there like I did. Clean, quiet little area, with a couple of hair salons, a bakery, a small grocery, modest places to eat and shop without spending a fortune. No more check cashing places. Less drugs, fewer vagrants. Flowerpots on the street lights. I even brought in a little farmer’s market once a month. It was nice, Henry. So nice that developers came in and gentrified every inch of it. They poured concrete to shore up the little creek that once held turtles and minnows and snakes, and tore out all the indigenous plants. Now if you go there, you’ll find a jogging track and tables with umbrellas on the bank, to look at the water – if there is any water, which really only appears after a good rain. The neighborhood stores got sold to become boutique clothing and art galleries, and the rents went sky high. I was one of the last to leave. But in the end I couldn’t afford a studio apartment. Now it’s all white people and patrol cars. Still, like you said, I guess folks like you would call that nice. You could go there on a Friday night and spend thirty bucks on a tough steak and domestic wine. And go back to your own house, happy from the adventure.

HENRY Doubtful. I have a fixed income. 29

TASH Of course you do. Sorry to be bitter. This opens a few old wounds.

HENRY So now -

TASH I paint houses. Mostly interiors. Mostly white. The paint, I mean. Well, not just the paint. It’s clean, and simple, and I get to cover up grime and soot and cracked seams. Because, apparently, that’s what I do best. Only now I don’t stick around and live there. I can move on to other houses and start over.

Pause.

So you were saying? Something about me and Shelly, I think?

HENRY It doesn’t seem like the right time now. You’re a bit too worked up.

TASH I know what she’s like. She has a passion for politics. And I have an aversion. We’ve discussed it.

HENRY None of my business. It’s just that … I had a similar situation. With someone I loved. Politics came between us.

TASH Happens a lot nowadays.

HENRY I guess so.

TASH Especially after the last election. I know two couples who got divorced.

HENRY See? That’s ridiculous. For something as unimportant, as trivial -

TASH Oh, don’t ever let her hear you say that -

HENRY As who runs the country. And how. What’s that got to do with two people who love each other?

TASH I’m with you, Henry. I just don’t like the way it consumes her. I’d like there to be a little room for me, you know what I mean?

HENRY I know exactly what you mean. Because I’ve been there too. Not recently … but I still remember it like it was yesterday.

TASH I can tell.

HENRY Know what? I never stopped loving her. And I never found anyone to replace her memory.

TASH You never married?

HENRY Because of her.

TASH Naw. That can’t be. That’s too sad.

HENRY Oh, I’m not saying I didn’t have other girlfriends. Later on. But I couldn’t ever go as far as marriage. It felt like I was being unfaithful, you know? To her. And we were only together for four years. Does that sound sick or what?

TASH I gotta say, Henry. That sounds seriously sick. I mean fucking bizarre. I’m sorry.

HENRY Don’t be. Just don’t make the same mistake.

TASH So what the hell was your mistake?

HENRY Ronald Reagan.

Pause.

TASH Excuse me?

HENRY Remember Jimmy Carter? Of course you don’t, what am I saying. Well, he was President -

TASH I know who Jimmy Carter is.

HENRY Good. Well anyway, Carter had a hard time, with a hostage crisis and an oil shortage and other stuff that mattered at the time, even if it doesn’t now, and Reagan ran against him. I voted for Carter the first time – I mean, who didn’t, after Ford pardoned Nixon? But the next time around, 31

HENRY (cont.) when Reagan suddenly showed up, I had second thoughts. After all, I was registered as an Independent. I was suspicious of both parties. But Reagan won me over. He seemed genial enough, but he talked tough when it came to the Ayatollah and the Russians. So he just seemed like a more natural choice to me.

TASH But not to her.

HENRY She was appalled. She wondered what had happened to my moral fortitude, and my devotion to democratic principles. I told her I never claimed to have any. She asked me if I was actually trying to defend my own ignorance. I said, why not?

TASH Ouch. Bad answer.

HENRY I knew it … as soon as it came out of my mouth. Actually, the only thing I was trying to defend was my own manhood – which meant the right to act like a jerk whenever I felt like it. I was pretty good at that.

TASH I’m suppose I’m even better.

HENRY Yeah, you see what I mean. That’s what male politics is all about. It ain’t about issues. It’s about taking our utter inability to grow up and turn it into a God-given, inalienable right. Protected by the Constitution. Which was written by a bunch of guys who didn’t like being told what to do or how to do it.

TASH White guys at that.

HENRY Of course. Who else would have cared about stuff like tariffs? At least, back then.

TASH So you guys broke up.

HENRY That’s a little too gentle.

TASH She dumped you.

HENRY A little too harsh. But closer to the truth. She said she might have to reconsider our relationship. And I told her to reconsider my ass as I walked out the door. Nobody could tell me how to vote, or judge me for my choices. AS IF THAT MATTERED. This is the point I want to make to you, Tosh. 32

TASH Tash.

HENRY Whatever. In the long run, political differences don’t mean squat. You can’t let this stuff come between you and the person you love. That’s a whole different level of fulfillment – and the only one that matters.

TASH I never said I love her.

HENRY Oh. Really? You’re going to do that now?

Pause. TASH looks down.

Then I guess I’m wasting my time.

HENRY begins to stand.

TASH No. You’re not. I’m listening.

HENRY Then you do love her.

TASH I guess I do.

HENRY Come on. Quit being such a guy about it.

TASH All right. You got me. I love her. Happy now?

HENRY I take no pleasure in this, my friend. I’m a little more mature than that.

TASH Thank you.

HENRY chuckles.

Stop that!

HENRY Sorry. Back to the point. This little text blast dinner that you’re dreading. Never mind the fact that it feels pointless.

TASH And counter-productive.

HENRY And naïve, and stupid, and unrealistic, and all the other things that you think about it. Do it anyway. For her sake.

TASH What, I’m supposed to pretend?

HENRY Oh, stop. Do you express how you really think to everyone you meet?

TASH Of course not, that’s dangerous. But I should be able to be myself with my girlfriend.

HENRY Who says? Who wrote that rule?

TASH You’re confusing me.

HENRY No I’m not. You’re confusing things. Like love and personal integrity. Believe me, those are two very separate things.

TASH They are?

HENRY Look, you don’t think I haven’t thought a thousand times about how simpler it would have been to vote for Carter? What difference would it have made? Reagan would still have won in a landslide, but I’d still be together with the only woman I ever loved. I know you’re young, but try to develop a little foresight.

TASH Maybe a few abusive text replies would be okay.

HENRY Maybe? You’re still saying maybe? Let me ask you something. Did you vote in the last election?

TASH Yeah. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t like either of them.

HENRY Who did? Yet I’m willing to bet you voted the way she wanted you to.

TASH You win.

HENRY And why? Out of passion? Optimism? Civic duty?

TASH Because it’s what she wanted.

HENRY And that’s love!

TASH I suppose.

HENRY So now I ask you – what do a few postcards matter compared to something like that? Especially when there’s pistachio ice cream involved?

TASH Okay. I’ll go.

HENRY Just invite me to the wedding.

TASH Is that what this is all about? A free meal in the undefined future?

HENRY Okay then, just name the baby after me. That’s all I ask.

TASH Thanks for the coffee, Henry.

He stands to go.

And the advice. Not bad.

He walks off and turns to HENRY, still seated.

So far.

TASH exits. HENRY watches him go.

HENRY Dumb kid. Youth is wasted on the young.

He takes a sip of coffee, and burns his lip.

Shit! 35

Scene Two – Shelly’s Kitchen

The same night.

SHELLY and TASH are at the table, joined by BARBARA. There are a few ice cream bowls, two printed lists of phone numbers, and the cell phones being used by TASH and BARBARA..

TASH and BARBARA are typing in phone numbers, while SHELLY watches a live broadcast of MSNBC on an IPad, which we can faintly hear.

No one says anything for a while.

Finally:

TASH Ready.

BARBARA I’m not. I can’t type on these things as fast as you young people.

SHELLY It’s okay, Mom.

BARBARA You go ahead.

TASH I can wait.

SHELLY You don’t have to, Tash.

TASH Oh, I think I should. We should share in the abuse simultaneously.

BARBARA Abuse?

TASH Oh yes. You’ll see.

SHELLY It won’t be that bad. 36

TASH Wanna bet?

SHELLY I believe there’s already a bet in progress. And dinner’s over.

TASH Is it?

SHELLY Yes.

Pause. TASH looks at BARBARA’s ice cream bowl.

TASH All done with your ice cream, Barbara?

BARBARA Oh, not yet. I’m still working on it.

TASH grins at SHELLY.

Pause. BARBARA continues to type in her names. No one says anything for a long time.

Finally:

TASH Do we really need Rachel Maddow? It doesn’t seem like anyone’s watching.

SHELLY We’re listening. You don’t have to watch.

TASH But what are we listening to? All she’s doing is reading court transcripts. She can’t even leave out them saying “Good Morning.”

SHELLY She’s making a point.

TASH What? That the legal teams realize it’s 10 AM?

SHELLY That the judge expects a certain amount of civility, despite the unusual tenor of a corruption trial.

TASH I got that point. She’s made it five times in a row. 37

SHELLY I grant you she’s a bit repetitive.

TASH A bit?

BARBARA It’s annoying Tash, honey. Let’s turn it off a bit.

TASH Thank you.

BARBARA I think I’m ready now. What do I do?

TASH Just hit “send.” Here, watch me.

He touches the command.

BARBARA Okay. Like this?

She does the same as he watches.

TASH That’s it.

BARBARA What now?

TASH We wait for the vitriol.

Pause.

BARBARA Nothing’s happening.

SHELLY Just wait. They have to read and respond. It won’t be long.

There is a ding on TASH’s phone. Then BARBARA’s. Then a rapidly increasing deluge of dings, as they read them.

BARBARA Oh my Lord. That is just nasty.

TASH looks at her phone. 38

TASH Yep. The First Amendment at work.

BARBARA Look at this one. It’s disgusting.

TASH looks at her phone.

TASH Don’t worry about it. It’s not physically possible.

BARBARA I don’t understand. I thought this was a list of Democratic voters.

SHELLY It should be. But I don’t know how accurate.

TASH You get what you pay for.

BARBARA These people don’t seem very appreciative.

SHELLY I’m sorry, Mother. I guess I should have prepared you better. Don’t reply. We’ll compile the bad numbers later.

TASH Democracy in action.

BARBARA Wait. Someone wants to know where to go to vote.

TASH You’re kidding. Let me see.

He looks.

Wow. I’ve never gotten one like that.

BARBARA What do I do?

SHELLY Reply! Definitely reply! Here’s the polling place. Give them the address. And tell them thank you.

TASH I can’t believe it. You found an actively interested voter.

BARBARA One out of a hundred?

SHELLY That’s considered a huge success, Mom.

TASH Believe it or not – she’s right. Congratulations.

BARBARA If you say so.

Pause.

BARBARA types her reply as TASH looks at his own replies, shaking his head.

TASH Wish I had your luck. I’m just learning how obsessed Missouri seems to be with one aspect of anatomy.

SHELLY On the behalf of political activists everywhere, my apologies to you both.

Pause.

BARBARA finishes typing her reply.

BARBARA There.

She picks up a spoonful of ice cream and raises it to her lips.

So, Tash … How’s the job search?

She puts the spoon in her mouth.

TASH looks gleefully at SHELLY, who grimaces.

SHELLY Mother.

TASH And she’s still eating.

He holds his hand out to SHELLY, expecting payment. She slaps his hand away.

BARBARA What? Did I say something strange?

SHELLY No. The opposite of strange. Predictable.

BARBARA Tash, do you think that was an inappropriate question?

TASH No, Barbara. It’s just that I’ve discussed this with you many times already.

SHELLY Tash likes his job, Mother.

BARBARA I know he does. For the moment. I’m just asking if he has thought about any future plans. Is that a crime?

SHELLY Yes. And you’re a repeat offender.

BARBARA Never mind, then. Sorry to take an interest.

TASH It’s okay. Let’s just skip it.

Long pause. TASH and BARBARA resume reading their replies.

BARBARA So you’re not even looking.

SHELLY Mother!

BARBARA I see ads for this website called Monster. Strange name, but –

TASH No thanks.

SHELLY Tash has sworn off all internet use.

BARBARA What, you mean completely?

TASH I’m not a Luddite, Barbara. I once owned all the socially approved devices. And I’ll admit, the internet was useful for research when I was in grad school. But now it serves no purpose. For me, anyway.

BARBARA The internet has no purpose?

TASH I can think of two uses. Snark and porn. Not for me, though. I just don’t feel like putting my hard earned cash into the hands of Facebook, just so they can sell my personal info. Or Twitter. Or Pornhub.

SHELLY I’m not sure it’s fair to equate all three of those.

TASH Yeah, not fair to Pornhub.

BARBARA Well, how do you stay informed? It’s clear that you don’t care for television.

TASH Why do I need to be informed?

BARBARA Are you serious?

TASH I’ve learned to live without information. Especially news.

BARBARA I suppose you think it’s fake.

TASH Don’t take me down that path, Barbara. I’m not a moron. I just don’t care for electronic communication.

SHELLY Tash wishes we lived back in the 19th century. Though he’d still have to deal with the town criers.

BARBARA I see.

SHELLY He won’t even listen to traffic reports. He prefers to find out for himself. Even if it takes him an extra hour to get anywhere.

TASH You know how people keep harping about freedom of information? Net neutrality and all that crap? I crave freedom from information.

BARBARA And that works for you.

TASH Not always. But it’s my choice.

BARBARA Like your profession.

SHELLY Mother -

BARBARA What really happened to you, Tash? I’d like to know.

TASH You already do.

BARBARA What, the battle of Waterside? I think there’s more to it than that. There has to be.

SHELLY Mother, stop.

BARBARA I’d like to know. Here’s this brilliant student, top of his class, who goes on to make a difference in a struggling community -

TASH Do we have to keep -

BARBARA City commendations, the Mayor’s Award. A potential candidate for the State House -

TASH Nobody said that.

BARBARA Everybody said that. A rising political star. With the world at his feet. Endless possibilities. And you let a little thing like a takeover of six blocks of real estate -

TASH Real estate! Maybe to you. As it was to the developers. It was my home! And my family’s home! Which didn’t include cookie shops, candle stores and artisanal breweries!

Pause.

SHELLY looks at him quizzically.

SHELLY Your family?

TASH Never mind.

SHELLY Wait a minute.

TASH I don’t want to get into this, Shelly.

SHELLY Well, I do. You said your parents were dead.

TASH I said they were gone. Not dead.

SHELLY Fine, gone. How did you expect me to interpret that?

TASH I didn’t expect anything from you. And I wasn’t thinking about your interpretation. I had other things to consider.

SHELLY Like what?

TASH I was trying to be careful.

SHELLY Careful? You said they were gone. So I thought they were dead. I expressed sympathy. Do remember that? It was our second date!

TASH Okay, I’m sorry. Can we forget this now?

SHELLY No. I won’t forget it. Why did you lie?

TASH Oh, come on. That’s a gross -

SHELLY You said you had no family.

TASH I didn’t mean -

SHELLY Those were your exact words.

TASH That wasn’t -

SHELLY Your exact words.

Pause.

TASH I didn’t lie. I just didn’t want to talk about it.

SHELLY Why not?

Pause.

Who am I to you, Tash? That you can’t let me in to your private life, even a little bit? Don’t you trust me?

TASH Of course I trust you.

SHELLY Name one example of that.

TASH Okay. I don’t think you’re cheating on me. That’s trust. Am I right?

SHELLY Did you just say that to me?

TASH You asked for an example of trust.

SHELLY I would never even think to ask you about that.

TASH Why not? Don’t you trust me?

SHELLY This is a childish diversion, and you know it.

TASH Do I? 45

SHELLY Maybe you better go, Tash. Get some sleep before you have to go to your exciting and fulfilling job. Painting walls for people who don’t recognize you as anything but a temporary laborer.

TASH Well, that’s what I am, isn’t it? Why should I be ashamed of it?

SHELLY You’re right. You should be proud. Maybe some day they’ll even let you cut their lawns.

TASH Hey!

SHELLY Good night, Tash. Good night, Mother.

She exits. Pause.

BARBARA turns off her phone.

BARBARA I’m with my daughter on this, Tash.

TASH It’s not about taking sides.

BARBARA You shouldn’t have lied.

TASH I’m not a liar. I chose not to mention it. Some things are too painful to talk about.

BARBARA Sure they are. To strangers, coworkers, even me. But to her? She is invested in you. Do you not understand that?

TASH It has nothing to do with Shelly. It’s personal.

BARBARA She’s a person.

TASH So I’m not allowed to have any secrets, is that it?

BARBARA Her dad had a few secrets too. That he kept to the grave.

TASH I know about the sixty thousand. 46

BARBARA Do you know about his mistress?

Pause.

I take it she didn’t tell you that part.

TASH No.

BARBARA To spare my feelings, I’m sure. Maybe her own, too. Anyway, you can see why she’s not a big fan of hiding the truth.

TASH I’m not ready to talk about my own family.

BARBARA You don’t have to tell me. I don’t really care. But I do care about my daughter. And I want to know a few more reasons why she’s spending her late twenties with someone who paints houses, has no future plans, and doesn’t confide in her.

TASH Okay. I messed up tonight. I grant you that.

BARBARA I’m not the one who needs to hear that. She is.

TASH Right. You’re right.

BARBARA You can say it’s none of my business. But she is my only child. I’m telling you now – I’d like you to have a better sense of where you’re going – and whether you want her to go with you.

TASH It’s not that easy.

BARBARA You make it too hard. And I’m not sure why. Do you love her or don’t you?

TASH Of course.

BARBARA That was fast. Perhaps a bit rehearsed.

TASH I know you don’t like me. 47

BARBARA Really? You don’t know shit. I’m the biggest fan you’ve got. Which is why I keep trying to steer you to a place where it makes more sense for you to be with my daughter. Something is clearly preventing you from seeking your potential. And if you can’t figure it out, I will. Do you want more ice cream?

TASH No thank you.

BARBARA Then I’m going to bed too.

She stands.

TASH Barbara. I’d like your approval.

She smiles at him.

BARBARA You can’t just get it by asking, Tash. Think about where my daughter fits in your life. Can you do that?

TASH I think so.

BARBARA Wrong answer. I need something a little more definite. And so does she. Turn off the light when you’re done. And lock the door behind you.

She exits. 48

Scene Three – The Coffee Shop

Thursday. Lunch hour.

HENRY sits at his usual table, struggling with his phone. SHELLY enters with coffee and sits.

HENRY takes a sip of his, and burns his lip.

HENRY Shit.

SHELLY You really have to let it cool first.

HENRY It’s been ten minutes since I ordered it.

SHELLY Clearly you have sensitive lips. But I suppose plenty of women have told you that.

HENRY I think you’re the first.

SHELLY So do you live here or what?

HENRY I probably should.

SHELLY You worry me, Henry. Don’t you have anyone to look in on you?

HENRY I’m not at that point yet. No matter how I seem.

SHELLY I didn’t mean it like that.

HENRY I know. How are you?

SHELLY Okay, I guess. Actually, not that great.

HENRY Really? Somehow I thought – never mind.

SHELLY What?

HENRY I had a little talk with your boyfriend yesterday.

SHELLY Oh? About what?

TASH enters and takes his previous chair.

TASH Hey. I’m here on time. And look – I’m wearing an actual shirt.

SHELLY Good for you.

TASH Still pissed?

SHELLY Did you talk to our friend about me?

TASH Who? Henry?

SHELLY He says he had a little talk with you.

TASH About what?

SHELLY About what, Henry?

HENRY Umm. Paint?

SHELLY What?

TASH That’s right, paint. He’s thinking about having his place done. It’s been a while, right Henry?

HENRY Yes. It’s been years.

SHELLY Where does he live?

TASH We didn’t get that far. I told him I’d have to take it up with the boss. We’re not allowed to accept outside work – grounds for dismissal. I haven’t mentioned it yet, Henry.

HENRY Well, let me know.

SHELLY What color?

HENRY Huh?

SHELLY What color do you want?

HENRY Uh ,,,

TASH He hasn’t decided. There are a lot of whites.

SHELLY What?

TASH To choose from. He wanted white. And I asked, what kind? Off white, egg shell, cottage white, shadow white, chalk? I still gotta show him the samples.

HENRY Right! White. The samples. Be sure to show me. After you ask your boss.

SHELLY Seems a little indefinite.

TASH All my fault. I had to get back to work. They dock pay for lateness, you know. Very strict.

SHELLY So you say.

TASH So - you still seem pissed.

SHELLY I’m not comfortable discussing it here.

HENRY stands to go.

HENRY Take care, folks. I have to … trim the weeds. 51

SHELLY You own a house?

HENRY Me? Heavens no. I have an apartment.

Pause.

With flowerboxes. Some of them have weeds. Don’t know how they got there.

SHELLY I imagine the apartment manager will have something to say about the paint job.

HENRY Probably so. I should … check.

TASH See you later, Henry.

HENRY Yes. I’m going now. Goodbye.

He nervously exits.

SHELLY What’s going on, Tash? You friends with that guy now?

TASH Not really. He likes you, though. You remind him of some lost love. He never married because of her.

SHELLY That’s sad.

TASH That’s what I thought. But he seems okay. Everyone has regrets, I guess.

SHELLY Do you?

TASH Nice segue. Subtle.

SHELLY Not in the mood for subtlety. I never would have thought you’d lie to me.

TASH I didn’t lie. I just didn’t speak the truth.

SHELLY Don’t give me those bullshit male distinctions, Tash. This is me you’re talking to me. You lied.

TASH Do you want to hear my reasons?

SHELLY I don’t know. Like you said last night, “Do I?”

TASH I was being a dick.

SHELLY Um … yeah. You implied that I was unfaithful. Out of the fucking blue, just to change the subject. Very mature.

TASH I felt trapped.

SHELLY So you bit me like a dog in a cage. Why should honesty make you feel like that?

TASH I’ll tell you if you let me. Okay?

SHELLY I’ll listen if you let me. Okay?

TASH Jesus. Okay. My parents lived in Waterside.

SHELLY So I heard. Last night, for the first time. Why didn’t I ever get to meet them?

TASH Actually, you did. Remember that older couple who lived across the hall?

SHELLY Oh my God. The ones who kept bringing those crazy chicken dishes over?

TASH They only did that when they knew you were there. They wanted you to have a taste of the old country. But mostly, they wanted to meet you.

SHELLY Wait. I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me? You acted like they were just some weird old foreigners with a food fetish.

TASH Think about it, Shel. Why wouldn’t I want to introduce you to my own parents, who happened to live next door? What would be the reason? 53

Pause. SHELLY shakes her head, confused.

We even took a poli sci class on the topic. Remember?

SHELLY What? Immigration? Oh my God. They weren’t citizens?

TASH They thought they were. They paid taxes. My dad worked in a shoe repair shop while my mom raised me, then when I started school she got a job on a road crew holding traffic signs at lane closures. They thought of themselves as working Americans, starting a family. They paid their taxes every year with an ITIN number, even though they’d never get back any social security or Medicare because they weren’t registered. They didn’t care about that, as long as they could stay in this country. But yes, to answer your question, they were undocumented.

SHELLY And you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.

TASH Oh come on, Shel. Why does it have to be about you?

SHELLY I’m sorry, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m under the impression we’re in a relationship. Am I mistaken?

TASH Look. When it comes to ICE, these things almost never get revealed on purpose. It’s almost always an accident, a slip of the tongue. They can take action on any anonymous tip, no matter where it comes from.

SHELLY I’d be more careful than that.

TASH I didn’t want to burden you with the responsibility.

SHELLY Of what?

TASH Of having to be that careful.

Pause.

She starts to say something, then doesn’t. She processes.

You see what I’m saying. It would be too unfair to you.

SHELLY Huh. So why are you telling me now?

TASH Because I’m also under the impression we’re in a relationship. And I believe you asked.

SHELLY You’ve decided it’s safe to confide in me?

TASH Safer.

SHELLY Why now?

TASH Because they’re no longer there.

SHELLY Your parents? What happened?

TASH You know what happened. You saw for yourself. After all my brilliant efforts to revitalize Waterside, the developers moved in and doubled all the rents. I had to move. You remember how upset I got. Did you really think it was just because I had to pack up my Forman grill and futon?

SHELLY I guess I did. I’m sorry.

TASH Don’t apologize. That’s what I wanted you to think. But I was thinking about what would happen to them. I stupidly put up a fuss with the new landlord. Who started to ask questions about where I came from and if I had any family in America. It wouldn’t have taken long to figure out who lived across the hall. So I told my own parents that due to my own ignorance and carelessness, they had to leave town. Not just me, them too. they packed up whatever meager possessions they owned and left. Don’t ask me where, because I can’t tell you. I won’t tell you. All I can say is they’re somewhere in town. My dad works as a handyman who gets paid in cash, and my mom buses tables and splits tips at a diner. They’re getting by. And they’re safe. It’s not what any of us dreamed, but it has to do. For now.

Pause.

I wanted to leave you out of it. But politics doesn’t work that way. You can’t help but get others involved. Even – no, especially – the ones you love.

SHELLY I overreacted.

TASH Not your fault. You just didn’t know.

SHELLY No. I didn’t. But I should have.

TASH It didn’t have anything to do with you, Shel. I brought it all on myself. With a naïve notion that I could make the world a better place. Six blocks at a time. I laid out the welcome mat for all the corporate scumbags and con men to come in and turn it all into golden shit. I ruined dozens and dozens of families – not just my own. They all hate me now. But not as much as I hate myself. So yeah, I paint houses now.

SHELLY You can still do other things.

TASH Maybe. But not politics. Not any more. It’s not a thing for little people like us. You dip your foot into a placid pool only to discover it’s a raging river. You can never get back to the shore again. Not until you drown and get washed up.

SHELLY I won’t let that happen to you, Tash. I promise.

TASH Funny. That poli sci class was only a few years ago. Seems like twenty. What was it called?

SHELLY The Immigrant Experience.

TASH That’s it. I still remember those asshole white boys. And that fucking professor just stood there and let them go on about the diminishing of American culture, knowing full well that I was in the room too. I was just about to get up and give them a fistful of minority domination. When out of the blue, this cute girl ahead of me stands up and tells them all about white privilege. And all I could think was, wow, and to think I already had a crush on her, then she does something like that and nails herself to my heart.

SHELLY Lucky for me you found progressive social consciousness so attractive.

TASH Attractive, shoot. It was sexy as hell. Not only that, I think that was the first time anybody ever stood up in that class. And I thought, damn, that girl has a spectacular ass.

SHELLY So you stopped listening.

TASH I’m able to appreciate things simultaneously. An articulate point of social philosophy, and a great ass too. Love at first sight. 56

SHELLY You know what I thought about you?

TASH What?

SHELLY Here’s a man with too much pride and integrity to allow these fraternity scum to needle him. He knows who he is and doesn’t need to prove it to anyone. With leadership potential. And also a great ass.

TASH I never stood up.

SHELLY You were always the first one out of class. You don’t think I noticed?

TASH Your friends were skeptical.

SHELLY So were yours.

TASH I didn’t have any.

SHELLY All right, then. Your roommate.

TASH Oh him, right. Kept telling me I was being culturally irresponsible by dating a white girl. He had a crush on you too. Clear as day.

SHELLY Those were fun days.

TASH Taking positions. Debating politics.

SHELLY And falling in love.

She kisses him. Then TASH remembers:

TASH Mmm! What time is it?

SHELLY looks at her watch.

SHELLY Uh-oh.

TASH I gotta go. Can I see you tonight?

SHELLY Let’s go to your place. I’ll get take out and meet you there.

TASH Sorry it’s not as nice as the old place. So much noise from the street.

SHELLY I don’t care about that. Waterside sucks.

He gives her another quick kiss, then sprints off.

She turns around. TASH sprints back in.

TASH You know …

SHELLY turns back to him with surprise.

We should talk about getting married.

He sprints off again.

SHELLY What? WHAT?

But he’s gone.

HENRY enters from another direction and takes his usual seat.

SHELLY turns to see him sitting there. She shakes her head, smiling.

You must live pretty close.

HENRY pretends to be struggling with his phone.

Henry. How much of that did you hear?

HENRY turns around.

HENRY Excuse me? 58

SHELLY How long have you been there?

HENRY I just walked in. I missed my bus.

SHELLY So those weeds will have to trim themselves.

HENRY They’re not that bad. A few dandelions.

SHELLY Who are you trying to write now? The Pope?

HENRY Of course not. I’m not that silly. Just the Majority Leader.

SHELLY Of the US Senate?

HENRY Well, yeah. Who cares about the statehouse?

Shelly gets up and walks to his table, where she sits.

SHELLY Give it to me. I’ll open a Twitter account for you.

HENRY I think I’d rather keep my human dignity. For what it’s worth.

He puts his phone away.

SHELLY Listen, I’m not sure what you said to Tash -

HENRY Nothing. I promise.

SHELLY It’s okay. Really. I think you probably helped. He doesn’t have many people he can talk to. Other than me. And maybe you.

HENRY I’m sure that’s not true.

SHELLY Oh, I think it is. I just want you to … be discreet. Okay? In case he told you any … secrets. He might have felt compelled to do so … by me. That doesn’t mean it’s information you need to share. I hope you know what I mean.

HENRY I’m not sure.

SHELLY If you don’t, all the better. Ignorance is bliss, right?

HENRY Then I’m the happiest man alive. 60

Scene Four – Shelly’s Kitchen

Later that evening.

SHELLY and BARBARA sit at the kitchen table, having some wine.

BARBARA Maybe you heard wrong.

SHELLY I don’t think so, Mother.

BARBARA He can’t just announce something like that and run away.

SHELLY But he did. We’ll talk more about it tonight, I’m sure.

BARBARA You can’t possibly be considering it.

SHELLY Why not?

BARBARA Dear, I need you to take a deep breath and think about this objectively. You don’t even know this man. Not really.

SHELLY We’ve been dating for three years, Mother. I think most people would consider that sufficient time to discuss marriage.

BARBARA Most people aren’t dating a house painter. Who just told them his parents are alive, and hiding somewhere across town. These are pretty serious red flags.

SHELLY He explained his job to you a dozen times. He finds it less stressful than what he was doing before.

BARBARA Less stressful? Or more secretive?

SHELLY What’s that supposed to mean?

BARBARA It means that if his parents are undocumented, he may be too. 61

SHELLY That’s ridiculous.

BARBARA How do you know?

SHELLY Tash was born in America. It was a big part of his appeal when he was a community organizer. A US citizen, whose immigrant parents sacrificed everything for him when he was a child.

BARBARA Does he have a green card?

SHELLY I just told you. He doesn’t need one. You’re starting to make me -

BARBARA Shelly, if he wasn’t born in this country, he’s probably using you to achieve legal status.

SHELLY This is bullshit. You never liked him and you’re drumming up some ridiculous -

BARBARA I like him fine. At least I did until I heard about all this secret stuff.

SHELLY Everything has to mean an ulterior motive to you, doesn’t it? It can’t just be that he loves his parents and wants to protect them.

BARBARA The parents who died?

SHELLY He was vague on purpose.

BARBARA The word is deceptive. I remember asking him about it. How did he put it? “They’re not around any more.” “They’re no longer with us.”

SHELLY It’s not a murder mystery, mom.

BARBARA Most people would use immigrant parents as a step toward a political career. Why didn’t he show them off?

SHELLY I just told you why. They’re undocumented.

BARBARA So what? The climate was different then. They wouldn’t have been deported. Unless they particpated in some sort of criminal activity.

SHELLY You’re being absurd.

BARBARA Then why are they hiding?

SHELLY Because times have changed. You know that. ICE doesn’t need an excuse to come knocking. They just do. Of course he doesn’t want to take that chance.

BARBARA Look, I’m just asking you to be careful. And try to find out a little more information. What’s so wrong with that?

SHELLY Tash doesn’t have to tell me a thing unless he wants to. I won’t insult him by asking. Besides, the fewer people he tells, the less likely someone like me or you will totally fuck up his parents’ future in this country.

BARBARA You’re my only child.

SHELLY Here we go.

BARBARA So I can’t help it if I’m a little over-protective. I’m still hoping for big things with you. Bigger than life in a non-profit.

SHELLY Please don’t say law school.

BARBARA Why not? You’ve definitely got the brains for it. And after a few years in a local agency, you’re perfectly positioned.

SHELLY Yes. To take your place.

BARBARA That’s not -

SHELLY To get the law degree that you always wished you had finished. Which was so untimely interrupted by the inconvenience of me. Well, nobody told you to get pregnant the first year of law school, did they? Certainly not me. So quit this bullshit of living vicariously through me. I’m not going to be a lawyer. You’ll have to live your own life for a change. 63

BARBARA That’s really unkind.

SHELLY Maybe it is. But you have this way of not listening to me until I do that.

BARBARA Excuse me for the crime of mentioning law school. I won’t do it again.

SHELLY Yes you will. But maybe I can shut it down with a little more news. I’m thinking about leaving the fund.

BARBARA You are?

SHELLY The one I’m in, anyway. I want to get involved with a more proactive initiative. One with more immediate results. I’ve already been sending out resumes, and a few weeks ago I got a bite.

BARBARA From who?

SHELLY A bond project.

BARBARA A what?

SHELLY A different kind of fund. One that provides bail for undocumented immigrants that are being detained while under deportation hearings.

BARBARA You’re going from working for a non-profit to … another non-profit?

SHELLY Yep.

BARBARA That’s not the way you’re supposed to pursue a career! That’s a lateral move.

SHELLY What is that, a sports term?

BARBARA It means you’re supposed to move up, not sideways!

SHELLY So now it’s about flying? 64

BARBARA Did Tash put you up to this?

SHELLY He doesn’t even know about it. I’m planning to discuss it with him tonight. But as a woman who loves the son of an immigrant couple, I will admit, yes, being with Tash probably had something to do with my evolving thoughts on the subject.

BARBARA So suddenly you care so much about illegal aliens.

SHELLY Not so suddenly. And don’t use that phrase, it’s offensive.

BARBARA Why? Because it’s true?

SHELLY I wish I had known you in your younger days. I can’t believe you used to be a Democrat.

BARBARA That’s right. I even voted for Carter.

SHELLY I wonder what made you change.

BARBARA No big secret. I switched eight years later.

SHELLY Eight years of Reagan. Whom you didn’t vote for.

BARBARA That’s right.

SHELLY Either time. But you voted for Bush. That’s a little weird.

BARBARA Nothing weird about it. I realized the GOP was closer to representing my values.

SHELLY How? Why did you change?

BARBARA I didn’t say I did.

SHELLY We both know you did. But I never understood why.

BARBARA This is ancient history.

SHELLY 1988, to be exact. And I’m just trying to understand what happened to my mom. That changed her in such a radical way.

BARBARA Please. Shelly. Let it go.

SHELLY I won’t be doing that.

BARBARA It’s none of your business.

SHELLY Just like me and Tash is none of yours. Right?

Long Pause.

BARBARA gives in, looking down.

BARBARA Geraldine Ferraro.

SHELLY What?

BARBARA Mondale’s running mate.

SHELLY I know who she was. You were against her?

BARBARA On the contrary. I voted for her. I can’t honestly say I voted for Mondale, he bored me stiff. And not too bright, either. Told everyone he would raise their taxes – which turned out not to be a great strategy. Who would have thought?

SHELLY But Ferraro -

BARBARA She was the real deal. Smart, assertive, powerful, and she utterly destroyed George Bush in the debate. With all the cards stacked against her. The male moderators kept pointing out that she was a woman, as though we couldn’t already tell, saying she had no military experience and that she would buckle to Soviet threats because she was born with a vagina. And when she called Bush “patronizing,” I fell in love with her. I thought, hell, she should be the one running for President. And I thought she would someday.

Pause.

BARBARA And what was the media response? She was arrogant. I believe their favorite word was “bitchy.” Because she spoke her mind and wasn’t demure. So they lost in a landslide. Mondale got a lot of the blame too, but mostly for being stupid enough to pick a female candidate. American wasn’t ready.

SHELLY But that doesn’t explain -

BARBARA I wanted my candidate to WIN. Is that so terrible? I didn’t want a symbol. I wanted a winner. The next time around I made it a point to pick the winning side, and I stuck with it. Because I came to realize that America is no place for a thinking woman. A woman that wants to make a difference. A woman that won’t let some man ruin her fucking life, the way your Dad ruined mine. Telling me to my face about some other woman when you were six years old. What an embarassment! I never thought I would be that kind of woman. A woman that people would pity. So I refused to divorce him, threatened him with exposure, told him I would call his boss and everyone who knew him. There was no love left between us, but he stayed. For the most part, anyway. And I devoted myself to you. That’s all that was left. After Geraldine Ferraro there was nothing else for me. Just you. And your future.

SHELLY That makes no sense. You’re mixing up politics with your personal life.

BARBARA You think you can separate them?

SHELLY You still didn’t have to switch sides.

BARBARA Of course I did. I saw the writing. They would never let any of us in. I couldn’t take the heartbreak. The disappointment. So I hid myself among the more politically acceptable.

Pause.

SHELLY Dad really did a number on you, didn’t he?

BARBARA Not just him. Like I said, it was not a good time to be a woman in America.

SHELLY But you went the wrong way. You should have fought back. Other women did. And things are different now.

BARBARA Really? What happened in the last election?

SHELLY There were other reasons for that.

BARBARA White women – women like ME – voted against her, Shelly! Or stayed home in droves.

SHELLY Well, I didn’t.

BARBARA Look, you’re young, thank God. And you represent hope. It’s too late for women like me. But you can achieve all the things I never could. If you don’t get distracted.

SHELLY By the man I love. Here we go.

BARBARA By the man you don’t need. You certainly shouldn’t discuss this new job with him.

SHELLY I certainly should. If we’re going to be married.

BARBARA Don’t say that.

SHELLY Especially since we’ll have to move if I take the job.

BARBARA Move? Where would you go?

SHELLY Ames, Iowa.

BARBARA What? Are you insane?

SHELLY I don’t believe so. Unless it’s congenital.

BARBARA Your life will be over. You might as well put a bullet in your brain.

SHELLY Wow. You really don’t think much of Iowa.

BARBARA That’s right, I don’t. You’d be going backwards.

SHELLY I thought you said sideways. I need a GPS just to have this talk. 68

BARBARA What earthly good can you do in such a remote part of the country?

SHELLY A lot, actually. It’s a national fund. And its location removes it from politics. It’s not close to any border, so there’s no possibility of preferential treatment based on geography.

BARBARA You can always do pro-bono work!

SHELLY You mean … if I were to become a lawyer.

BARBARA Well, yes.

SHELLY I believe that would mean having a law degree. Which I would obtain by going to law school.

BARBARA Yes, yes! It’s what I want for you! A better future!

SHELLY And before you know it, we’re having a circular conversation. I guess we both could use a GPS.

She checks her watch.

I better get going. I wonder if he’ll have a ring.

BARBARA Probably a tab from a beer can.

SHELLY And you know what? That will do just fine for me.

She stands to go.

BARBARA One last question.

SHELLY If it’s a short one.

BARBARA Why did he tell you all this now? About his parents? And getting married? What triggered it?

SHELLY I don’t know. Maybe it was Henry.

BARBARA Who?

SHELLY This guy at the coffee shop. Always hangs out there at lunch time.

BARBARA Who are you talking about?

SHELLY I don’t really know. Some old retired dude. Seems very lonely. Tash talked to him more than I did.

BARBARA About what?

SHELLY Not sure. His life, I guess. He told Tash that he never married. Still pining over some girl he knew a long time ago.

BARBARA Seems pathetic.

SHELLY I guess. One thing that’s weird, though. He tries to send little angry notes to national political figures. Harmless, really.

BARBARA And you said his name was -

SHELLY Henry.

BARBARA Huh. That sounds … no.

SHELLY I probably won’t be home tonight, Mother.

BARBARA This is your house, not mine. You don’t need my permission.

SHELLY Also, I’m a grownup.

BARBARA If you say so.

SHELLY I do.

SHELLY exits.

BARBARA lifts her wine glass, then pauses, looking up.

BARBARA Henry? 71

Scene Five – The Coffee Shop

Friday. Lunch hour.

HENRY is at his usual table, struggling with his phone.

BARBARA enters from the other direction, and stops to stare at him.

BARBARA I didn’t think it could be possible. But here you are.

HENRY turns to look at her. He is dumbfounded.

God, you’re old.

HENRY No.

BARBARA Yes you are.

HENRY I mean … are you …

BARBARA Do you remember my name?

HENRY Barbara?

BARBARA Hello, Henry.

HENRY awkwardly gets up and goes to her. He doesn’t know whether to hug her or shake her hand.

HENRY I don’t know what to –

She hugs him. He is still in disbelief.

They sit at the other table.

What an amazing coincidence. To see you here. After all this time.

BARBARA It’s not a coincidence.

HENRY It’s not?

BARBARA I was told that this is where you spend your afternoons. So I decided to pay you a visit.

HENRY Who could have told you that?

BARBARA Your phone.

HENRY My phone? How did my phone -

BARBARA You left it at the other table. Someone might steal it.

HENRY Oh, my phone!

He goes to retrieve it, and returns.

I’ve just been trying to -

BARBARA Let me see it.

She takes it from him and looks at it.

It appears that you’re trying to text … the President of France.

HENRY Not successfully, I’m afraid.

BARBARA I remember this about you. I believe I advised you to try contacting public officials at a lower level.

HENRY Actually, you said, quote, “What’s the matter with you, Henry? People have been put in asylums for less. If you want to feel important, why not get a better job than being an ombudsman for a third rate newspaper? Maybe I need to find someone who won’t give me the constant worry that men in white coats or shoulder holsters will be at our door and take you away while we’re eating our ice cream.”

BARBARA That’s not completely accurate. 73

HENRY It’s not?

BARBARA You left out what flavor ice cream.

HENRY Right. Pistachio.

BARBARA Now that sounds like me.

HENRY How did you know I’d be here. I don’t know anyone.

BARBARA That’s not true.

HENRY It’s been true for thirty years.

BARBARA You know my daughter.

HENRY Your daughter? Wait. Oh my God. Shelly?

BARBARA Bingo.

HENRY I knew she reminded me of you. She looks just like you! I mean, the way you used to look. I mean -

BARBARA I know what you mean. I got old too.

HENRY I’m sorry.

BARBARA Aren’t we all?

HENRY I can’t get over this. After all this time. Thirty, what, thirty-five years?

BARBARA Give or take.

HENRY And you had Shelly – are there any more?

BARBARA Just her. Her father wasn’t … interested.

HENRY I’m sorry.

BARBARA I’m not. He was a big mistake.

HENRY This is the same guy … when I called you a year later … you were in law school …

BARBARA Yes. The same one. We met in torts.

HENRY Is that a bar?

BARBARA A class. We were in the same study group. By the time you called I was already engaged. You should have called earlier. I wanted you to.

HENRY You did? You seemed so mad when I did.

BARBARA I was furious. I don’t even know why now.

HENRY I voted for Reagan.

BARBARA That … became less important. As time went on. You should have called.

HENRY I wish I had. Pride is so stupid. Such a guy thing, like you always said.

BARBARA Not just a guy thing.

HENRY About politics, of all things.

BARBARA Like that even matters.

HENRY I just said that! The other day! 75

BARBARA To let those kinds of things get in the way of personal happiness. What were we thinking?

HENRY We weren’t thinking. We were caught up in the moment.

BARBARA You could say that about life.

HENRY Sometimes I do.

Pause.

So. Are you a lawyer now?

BARBARA No. I had to leave law school. To have Shelly.

HENRY Too bad. But totally worth it, right? She seems wonderful.

BARBARA I’m having some issues with her at the moment.

HENRY It’ll pass.

BARBARA I’d like to think so.

HENRY Come to think of it, she and Tash might be here soon. They like to have lunch here.

BARBARA Not today. They both called in sick and left town for a bed and breakfast upstate. A romantic escapade of some kind.

HENRY That sounds fun. They’re such a nice couple.

BARBARA You think so?

HENRY God, yes. They’re very much in love.

BARBARA How well do you know Tash? 76

HENRY Not well. I just met him a few days ago.

BARBARA Did he talk to you about himself?

HENRY A little.

BARBARA Where he’s from? Anything about his family?

HENRY No, sorry. Are you concerned about something?

BARBARA Oh, no. Shelly just mentioned that she thought you two had been talking.

HENRY Sure. But nothing personal. Just general conversation. About love. And politics.

BARBARA Appropriate topics, I suppose. I just want to know a little more about him, that’s all. I’m a bit protective. Concerning men who make promises they don’t keep.

HENRY How old was Shelly when you divorced?

BARBARA Six. But we didn’t divorce. He just … went away.

HENRY I wish I had called you after he was gone.

BARBARA I wouldn’t have been too receptive. I wasn’t really thinking about … that kind of thing.

HENRY You mean men.

BARBARA Yes. Instead, I was thinking about school supplies, and day care and measles shots.

HENRY Didn’t you ever get lonely?

BARBARA Oh Henry, you’re still like a child, aren’t you?

Pause. HENRY looks down. 77

HENRY Stupid question. I’m sorry.

Pause. She puts her hand on his.

BARBARA Yes. Very lonely, if you must know. How about you?

HENRY Oh, I don’t know.

BARBARA Yes you do. Quit being such a guy.

HENRY looks up, smiling.

HENRY You used to say that. All the time.

BARBARA I bet you don’t miss it.

HENRY You’d lose that bet.

Pause.

You look exactly the same.

BARBARA You don’t.

HENRY Yeah. Too many years of fast food and lousy sleeping habits. No booze though, and I quit cigarettes a long time ago.

BARBARA I’m glad.

HENRY Still, bad knees. Which prevents vigorous exercise. The love handles are hard to shake.

BARBARA I never understood that phrase. Why is the word “love” attached to body fat?

HENRY Maybe it has to do with the way certain people “handle” love – or the lack of it. Thus the phrase. Obviously, you handle it better than me.

BARBARA Not so obvious.

HENRY Did your daughter tell you I never married?

BARBARA Yes. Was it because of me?

Pause. He can’t answer.

Because if it was, I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. A bit sad, maybe. But to tell you the truth, I think it’s romantic.

HENRY Really?

BARBARA Really. You thought about me all that time.

HENRY Did you think about me?

BARBARA It’s not a competition, Henry. Stop being such a guy.

HENRY You’re right, you’re right.

BARBARA It’s okay. You can’t help it.

HENRY Probably not.

Pause.

I do have some good news for you, though.

BARBARA Tell me.

HENRY I became a Democrat.

Pause.

BARBARA suddenly laughs, and laughs hard. 79

Scene Six – Shelly’s Kitchen

The same night.

The kitchen is empty. A NOISE is heard off, of a key in a door lock, a door opening and caught by an additional chain lock.

Then we hear loud KNOCKING.

SHELLY (off) Mother? Hello? Are you there? Mom!

BARBARA (off) Just a minute!

SHELLY (off) Why is the chain on?

BARBARA enters. She is in a bathrobe, her hair mussed.

BARBARA Hold on, will you?

She crosses through the kitchen and exits.

SOUND of the chain being removed and the door opening.

BARBARA and SHELLY talk as they enter.

SHELLY is in a jacket, which she takes off and throws on a chair. She sits in another one.

SHELLY First time I’ve ever been locked out of my own house.

BARBARA Sorry, sorry.

SHELLY It’s okay. At least you were here. What’s going on? Did you go to bed early?

BARBARA Just reading. You weren’t here to have our nightly confab.

SHELLY Why the chain?

BARBARA Nothing to be alarmed about. I thought I heard something outside.

SHELLY What, like a prowler?

BARBARA More likely some animal. It’s a bit disconcerting to be left alone at night. I’m not used to it.

SHELLY I didn’t realize that.

BARBARA Besides, you told me you wouldn’t be back until Sunday night.

SHELLY Tash got a call from work tonight. They wanted to see if he could help finish a paint job over the weekend.

BARBARA I see.

SHELLY He didn’t want to turn down overtime. Or call in sick again. That job is important to him.

BARBARA Why?

SHELLY Don’t start, mother. I’m in too good a mood. Take a look.

She shows BARBARA the engagement ring on her finger.

Not exactly a pop top.

BARBARA No it’s not. Congratulations.

SHELLY Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

BARBARA I’m sorry, darling. You know I want you to be happy.

SHELLY You just don’t think this is the way to achieve it.

BARBARA I just need a little time to get used to the idea.

SHELLY How much time?

Pause.

BARBARA hugs her.

BARBARA Time’s up. I’m so glad you found someone to love.

SHELLY Thank you, Mother. This is what I want.

BARBARA I guess I’ll have to start finding a new home. You need your privacy.

SHELLY Oh, please. We’ll talk about all that later.

BARBARA Are you still moving to Iowa?

SHELLY We haven’t decided yet. We’re in no rush.

The SOUND of a toilet flushing offstage.

What was that?

BARBARA Nothing. The toilet runs, that’s all.

SHELLY That was a flush. I know the difference. Is someone here?

BARBARA Of course not.

The SOUND of a faucet running offstage.

SHELLY stands up and calls off.

SHELLY Excuse me! Who else is in the house?

The SOUND of a door opening.

HENRY enters, dressed in pants and a T shirt. He’s barefoot.

HENRY Sorry to disturb. I couldn’t hold it in.

Pause.

SHELLY What the fuck?

BARBARA I believe you’ve met Henry, dear.

SHELLY How did – what the hell -

HENRY Barbara invited me over for ice cream.

SHELLY ICE CREAM?

HENRY Pistachio, actually. It’s been a while.

SHELLY Mother, it’s your turn to explain.

BARBARA Henry and I used to know each other.

SHELLY When?

BARBARA Before I married your father.

SHELLY Wait a minute. Wait a goddamn minute.

She turns to HENRY.

Are you trying to tell me – my mother is the woman who broke your heart?

HENRY It wasn’t her doing. Not alone. I had just as much to do with it.

SHELLY So this was your teenage fling?

BARBARA Teenage?

HENRY I never said teenage. We were in college together. Until 1980.

BARBARA The election.

SHELLY What, Reagan and Carter?

BARBARA It was a traumatic time for baby boomers. We broke up over it.

SHELLY I still don’t know how – wait. You asked me his name. That was all you needed to figure it out?

BARBARA And the notes to famous people.

HENRY I was doing that a long time ago. Letters to Gorbachev, Thatcher. Kubrick.

SHELLY Stanley Kubrick?

HENRY I had a lot of questions about The Shining.

SHELLY So you went to the coffee shop.

HENRY And she found me. I thought there was a resemblance. You look so much like her.

BARBARA Then.

HENRY No. Still.

SHELLY I’m trying to process this.

HENRY You’re probably upset. We didn’t plan this. Just the -

SHELLY Ice cream. I heard you the first time. 84

HENRY So …

BARBARA I know this is strange to you, dear. It’s strange to me too.

HENRY I’m sorry.

BARBARA I don’t mean that part. Not specifically.

HENRY Oh. Okay.

SHELLY I just have one thing to say.

She moves toward HENRY. He backs away in fear. SHELLY hugs him tightly.

I am so thrilled for the two of you.

HENRY You are?

BARBARA You don’t mind?

SHELLY Mind? It’s like the universe is aligning. You two found each other again – the same day Tash and I got engaged!

HENRY Engaged!

She shows him the ring.

Wow.

SHELLY Something tells me I owe this all to you, Henry. There’s something about you that makes it possible for people to come together. You’re like some kind of soothing angel. You make all the hard things seem possible.

BARBARA You seem a bit overcome, honey. It’s basically a geriatric pickup.

SHELLY Just like you to minimize things. 85

HENRY I feel younger than I’ve felt in decades. I’m back with my beloved Barbara. It’s like she never left.

BARBARA I left? Is that how you remember it?

SHELLY Oh, God. Who left who doesn’t matter now. Does it?

Pause.

HENRY She’s right, you know.

BARBARA Agreed.

SHELLY Thank God. Look, tomorrow’s Saturday. How about we have a celebratory dinner? Not that I’m a great cook, but there’s a wonderful Mandarin place around the corner and I can buy us enough sesame chicken and Mongolian beef to last all weekend.

HENRY I’ll bring some wine.

SHELLY Excellent. Won’t Tash be surprised? I’m going to call him now. Good night – lovebirds.

BARBARA Ugh. Do you have to carry on with such nonsense?

SHELLY Sorry, mother. Didn’t mean to embarrass you.

BARBARA Yes you did. That was your exact intention.

SHELLY No shit. God, life is suddenly wonderful. See you both tomorrow.

SHELLY exits.

Pause. HENRY tries to gauge BARBARA’S mood. He sits down and takes her hand.

HENRY I should probably go.

BARBARA I think so.

HENRY Oh shit. I didn’t really mean it.

BARBARA I’m sorry, Henry. I’m not that comfortable, with her in the house.

HENRY Okay.

BARBARA Though we never had that ice cream.

HENRY You’re right! I’ll get the bowls.

He exits.

BARBARA spends a long moment trying to fight off tears, but finally becomes unsuccessful. She reaches for a cloth napkin and dries her eyes.

HENRY reenters, carrying the ice cream carton, a couple of bowls and spoons. He stops when he sees her.

Uh-oh. This is one of those times I’m sure I’ve done something wrong, but I’m not sure what.

BARBARA Why are men so eager to take responsibility when a woman cries? You’re not that crucial to our existence.

HENRY It’s not that. It’s that it triggers the rescue impulse.

BARBARA Equally unhelpful. It’s not a man’s job to stop a woman’s tears.

HENRY You just destroyed every thing I learned about gender relations.

BARBARA Glad to hear it. Give me some ice cream.

He sits down and spoons it out. They take a bite in silence.

HENRY Is it my performance?

BARBARA Huh?

HENRY You know. (Gesturing offstage) In the bedroom.

BARBARA Oh my God.

HENRY Because, you know, it’s been a long time.

BARBARA For me too, you idiot.

HENRY I thought you were great.

BARBARA Thank you.

HENRY Seemed like some of it was new.

BARBARA I’m going to clobber you. Shut up now.

HENRY Good idea.

They eat their ice cream.

BARBARA It’s not about you at all. It’s about Shelly.

HENRY Tears of joy?

BARBARA I’m afraid not. I’m very afraid for her. I think her marriage could be a big mistake.

HENRY Oh no. Tash is terrific.

BARBARA So everybody says. But nobody seems to know much about him.

HENRY You don’t trust him?

BARBARA I don’t know.

HENRY I hesitate to ask this …

BARBARA You’re wondering if it’s because he’s not white.

HENRY Our generation has more issues with that stuff than they do. They don’t even think about it. It’s better their way.

BARBARA I realize that, Henry. But this is my daughter. So I’m not as tolerant as society wants me to be. Or as I usually want everyone else to be. I’m hypocritical.

HENRY You’re human.

BARBARA Same thing. I would do anything – and I mean anything – to protect her from harm. Shelly has her head in the clouds.

HENRY She doesn’t strike me that way.

BARBARA I don’t want to be suspicious. I know it’s uncalled for. And makes me look like an awful person.

HENRY You’ve been together forever. It’s only natural that you’d resist any changes to that arrangement.

BARBARA When did you become so enlightened? Quit saying the right thing.

HENRY I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother. Or even a father. But I know what’s it like to be alone. You can get used to it. Hell, you can get used to anything. Doesn’t mean you have to like it.

BARBARA I thought life was supposed to get easier when you get old.

HENRY Where did you hear that? Some incontinence ad on CNN?

BARBARA Probably.

HENRY Love is illogical, Barbara. None of us know what we’re doing. But we should be forgiven for that.

BARBARA Know what? You can stay after all. Finish that ice cream.

HENRY I don’t think so.

BARBARA Why? Lost your taste for pistachio?

HENRY I still love it. But I’m older now.

BARBARA Meaning?

HENRY Lactose makes me fart.

BARBARA Leave it.

They quickly stand up. She pulls him off stage. 90

Interlude – The Coffee House

Saturday morning.

TASH walks through with a newly purchased cup of coffee.

His phone RINGS, and he puts the coffee down on a table to look at it.

TASH No no no. This is not smart.

He hesitates, then answers.

Hi Mom. Look, I don’t have time to talk. Besides, I’ve told you it’s safer to text me. So if you don’t mind …

Pause while he listens. His expression changes.

Whoa, whoa. Back up a minute. Who said this?

Pause.

Well why didn’t you? This is …

Pause.

Okay, okay. Calm down. I don’t know what it means either. I’m sure it’s nothing. I’ll see you tonight. Don’t make any more calls, okay? And don’t answer the phone. Just relax. And wait for me.

He lowers the phone, stunned.

God DAMN it!

He leaves his coffee there, and rushes out.

Scene Seven – Shelly’s Kitchen

Saturday evening.

Various cartons of Chinese food are laid out on the table, along with nice place settings and napkins. There is a vase of flowers in the center, with a few candles.

SHELLY, BARBARA and HENRY are all seated, sipping wine. They are all dressed nicely.

BARBARA checks her watch.

SHELLY Mother.

BARBARA What? I can’t even look at my watch?

SHELLY He’ll be here. I’m sure he’s just getting ready. He doesn’t want to come over here all hot and sweaty, in his overalls.

HENRY Tash is a very considerate young man.

BARBARA I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.

SHELLY Maybe not. But you’re irritated. Allow me to ease your worries, Mother. We have some news. I was going to wait for Tash, but I need you to chill. So we can have a relaxing evening.

BARBARA Is the engagement off?

SHELLY See, that’s just plain mean. Where do you get off talking like that?

BARBARA Poor attempt at humor.

SHELLY Very poor.

HENRY Maybe I’m a bad influence.

SHELLY Fat chance of that, Henry. You’re inherently kind. You couldn’t say anything snarky if you tried. Maybe that’s why she broke up with you.

BARBARA I broke up with him? Boy, this story needs revision.

HENRY None of that matters now. We found each other again, and that’s all I care about. So let’s get wasted.

He pours more wine into everyone’s glass.

SHELLY Do you want to hear my news or not?

BARBARA Of course, dear. I’m sorry. I assume you’ve decided to leave for Iowa.

HENRY Iowa? Really? Wonderful state. I’ve driven through it.

BARBARA Everyone’s driven through it. That’s what it’s for. To drive through and not look back.

SHELLY Are you both done now? May I continue?

Her mother begins to say something, but instead gestures for her to continue.

No, we’re not moving to Iowa. We’ve decided to stay here. So he can keep an eye on his parents. And I can keep an eye on the two of you.

BARBARA is startled.

BARBARA You’re … staying.

SHELLY Yep. We’re hoping that the next time we get together, Tash can introduce his parents to all of us. You just both have to understand that they’re keeping a low profile. So no gossip to the next table at the coffee shop - Henry. You’re a little too friendly with strangers. Though I’ll admit, it worked out pretty well this time around.

BARBARA We’re going to … meet them.

SHELLY Sure. We’ll all be part of the same family soon.

HENRY Well …

SHELLY We think of you as family, Henry. We’re so happy you came into our lives. I can’t speak for my mother, but I suspect she is too.

HENRY I’m speechless. You barely know me.

SHELLY Well, let’s get started. Where do you live?

HENRY An apartment near a strip mall.

SHELLY Right. With weedy windowboxes. Any children?

BARBARA Stop it, Shelly. You know he never married.

SHELLY Which does not answer my question.

HENRY No, never. I did have a cat.

SHELLY Named Roger. See, I know a lot about you. What did you do for a living?

HENRY I worked at the Tribune.

SHELLY A newspaper man! Really! Any famous scoops that I would have heard about? Did you take down any corrupt folks at City Hall? Any councilmen caught with their pants down? Graft, fraud, money laundering? Or does that stuff only happen on the Federal level?

HENRY I was just an ombudsman.

SHELLY And I have no idea what that is.

HENRY It was a kind of reader’s representative. To make sure the paper was fair and accurate. And to respond to questions and complaints. 94

SHELLY Sounds like a job that must have kept you busy.

HENRY Oh, it did. Until they eliminated the position.

BARBARA I didn’t know that!

HENRY Yep. A few years ago.

SHELLY See, this is a topic that could have come up before you slept together. So much for getting to know each other first.

BARBARA Hush.

SHELLY So the Tribune decided they no longer needed to be fair or accurate?

HENRY Not exactly. They just stopped wanting to defend themselves or apologize when it didn’t happen. Ombudsmen are an endangered species. The Washington Post hasn’t had one for years.

BARBARA You’d think there’d be an outcry.

HENRY Not really. Everyone hated me there. The editors hated me, the staff hated me, the news sources hated me, because I was the messenger who delivered nothing but complaints. Hell, even the readers hated me because they didn’t understand that I couldn’t do anything about stories that had already run. My whole career was after the fact. Actually, my whole life.

SHELLY That’s tragic.

BARBARA Lives can begin again, Henry.

HENRY I’ve never thought so before. But I can be convinced.

He takes BARBARA’s hand.

The offstage door SLAMS. TASH enters in a fury and takes his chair. He’s dressed in his work clothes.

TASH Sorry I’m late. I had to check on my parents.

SHELLY Is everything all right?

TASH No. Everything is very, very far from all right.

He notices HENRY.

Henry. Good God. Shelly told me about you and her mom. So she was the one?

HENRY She still is.

TASH Okay, man. But I gotta say, it’s weird to see you here.

HENRY I bet. Let me pour you some wine.

TASH Is there any beer? This was a hot and lousy day.

BARBARA I think there’s one or two.

She goes off to retrieve it.

HENRY What can we do to help?

TASH Nothing. Let’s eat.

He opens a carton and starts to put food on his plate with a fork, without pleasure.

SHELLY Tash, put the fork down and tell us what’s going on.

BARBARA enters with beer and hands it to TASH, who slugs down a third of the bottle.

He noisily slams it on the table, startling everyone. 96

TASH I don’t know what’s going on. Phone calls. Fucking phone calls.

SHELLY Tash -

TASH I had just bought some morning coffee when my cell rang. It was my folks. They, like, never call me. Ever. I always call them. They were scared. Someone had called their land line. And whoever it was, asked them if I was their son.

SHELLY Oh no.

TASH They thought I might have been in an accident or something. So stupidly, innocently, they said yes.

SHELLY Oh God.

TASH Then whoever it was asked if I was born in this country.

Pause.

SHELLY looks at her mother, who avoids her gaze.

This isn’t the way ICE usually works. They don’t give advance warning. They just come knocking. They grab you and take you. They don’t even let you put on shoes.

SHELLY Jesus Christ.

TASH It must have been somebody who was about to warn them. I went back to work, painting white walls, trying to figure out what to do. If anything. Then the boss showed up and fired me.

HENRY For what?

TASH How the fuck should I know? He said someone left a message on his voice mail. Someone who asked if I had a Social Security number.

SHELLY Was this person male or female?

TASH He didn’t say. You wanna see my Social Security card? Here it is.

He digs the card out of his wallet and slams it down.

There. My parents got it six weeks after I was born. They checked the fucking box at the hospital. They weren’t stupid. They knew I would need one if I were to live in this country. So I’m not in danger of deportation. But they are. All it takes is one person to call the authorities. Some neighbor, some plumber, some mailman who gets a little too curious. And they’re gone. It doesn’t even matter how long they’ve been here.

SHELLY Don’t freak out, Tash. They won’t deport anyone who doesn’t have a criminal record.

TASH Not any more, Shel. Nowadays all it takes is being here while undocumented.

Pause.

Besides, my mother has a criminal record.

SHELLY Oh my God.

BARBARA What did she do?

TASH You wanna know what she did, Barbara? I’ll tell you. She stole some Gerbers from a supermarket. When I was a fucking baby. That shit’s expensive. And I was crying, cause I was hungry. My dad got paid once a month for fixing shoes. Under the table. And with a new baby, the money was gone by the third week. What was she supposed to do? Food stamps? They were too scared to apply. They loved living in this country. They still do. But now someone’s breathing down our necks. We may have to move after all. I didn’t think we’d have to. But now – I don’t know. Fuck. Sorry.

TASH takes a bite of food, and washes it down with beer.

Pause. SHELLY looks at her mother again.

SHELLY What about the person who called your parents? Male or female?

TASH They didn’t say. What difference does it make?

He continues to eat, in anger. He’s the only one who does. 98

SHELLY Oh, it makes a difference. A big difference.

TASH notices SHELLY looking at her mother. He stops eating.

TASH What’s going on?

SHELLY My mother called them.

TASH Nah. That can’t be. I’m sorry, Barbara. Shel’s obviously upset. Don’t listen to her.

SHELLY Let me catch you up on some recent coversations, Tash. My mother isn’t thrilled that her daughter may be marrying into an immigrant family.

TASH Come on, Shel.

SHELLY And she asked me – more than once – if you yourself were a natural citizen.

TASH No. Barbara? Tell her she’s wrong.

SHELLY She can’t. Because she’s a selfish bitch who only cares about what she’ll do when she has to live alone again.

BARBARA You’re my daughter.

SHELLY So what? Oh, I get it. Sabotage my future just because I won’t be pursuing the dream that you abandoned yourself. How fucking dare you? We’re done. For good. You ruined everything. I can’t have you in my life any more.

BARBARA I love you, Shelly. You’re my daughter. The only child I’ll ever have.

SHELLY You think that gives you the right? To do this?

TASH Oh God, Barbara. Why didn’t you just ask me? I would have told you. I would have told you everything. Did you call ICE? I have to know. Please. Answer me.

BARBARA I never -

TASH I was working on their naturalization, you know. With a lawyer. I’ve been working on it ever since I turned 21. We’re close to making them legal. As long as I’m employed, and could support them. That’s the law. That’s why I painted houses. A good honest job that didn’t attract much attention, but could show the courts that I was financially and legal responsible for my aging parents. Now that’s gone. They’re older than you. What do you expect them to do? Don’t answer that. I know. You don’t give a shit. You just expect us all to leave. Go back where we came from. Why do I ever trust white people? They prove me wrong every time. When will that ever stop?

SHELLY We’re not all like that, Tash. There’s me. And there’s Henry.

She turns to HENRY.

Get out while you can, Henry. Now you see what you managed to escape. You thought you were lonely? No, you were lucky. She doesn’t deserve you.

HENRY You’re wrong. I don’t deserve her.

Pause.

I don’t deserve any of you.

Pause.

I watched her cry. At this very table. So afraid of losing her daughter. I know what it’s like to love and lose someone. You carry it for the rest of your life. The regrets eat at you till there’s nothing left but a shell. Loneliness is not an inconvenience. It’s a fatal disease. But it takes its time.

Pause.

I made the calls. I made them for her. I would do anything for her. I found her again, or she found me. I wasn’t thinking about the two of you. I like you both, I’ve got nothing against you. I think you truly love each other. You’re fine people who’ve done nothing wrong. But this woman – who I’ve thought about every single day of my life – was in despair. Right or wrong. She was crying. And I couldn’t have that. I had to try.

Pause. They take in this news.

TASH What is wrong with you, man?

HENRY I’m sorry. 100

TASH You don’t even know us! Who are you to get involved in our lives? What have you done? Did you call ICE? Are they coming for us?

HENRY I only made those two calls. I haven’t even had the chance to tell Barbara.

TASH Who are you? What are you?

BARBARA He’s an ombudsman. He hears complaints. And tries to address them.

SHELLY Mother, did you ask him to do this?

BARBARA No. I promise you. This is news to me.

SHELLY I want him out of this house. Immediately.

Turning to HENRY.

I want you out of our lives. You’re not right in the head. Seek professional help.

TASH How can we trust you, man? Immigration might be putting paperwork together as we sit here.

SHELLY We thought you were a kind old man. Instead, you worm yourself into our personal lives and fuck everything up. You’re done here. Tell him, Mother.

Pause.

Tell him.

Pause.

BARBARA I can’t have anything coming between me and my daughter, Henry.

HENRY I know that.

BARBARA I’m sure you meant well. But you overstepped. And they can’t be worrying about you any more. You need to go. For good. 101

HENRY I understand.

TASH stands up.

TASH I’m going to see my folks. Tell them about Iowa. There’s a decent immigrant community there. We’ll start over fresh.

SHELLY stands too.

SHELLY I’m coming with you. It’s time I met them. We’ll tell them together. On Monday I’ll call the Bond Project. We can all leave next week.

BARBARA When is the wedding?

SHELLY We have other things to think about now, Mother. We’ll let you know.

TASH Sure you still want to? Marry me?

SHELLY More than ever.

TASH hugs her. They both exit.

Long pause.

BARBARA Thank you.

HENRY It’s okay.

BARBARA I almost destroyed everything. That was quick thinking.

HENRY It was the least I could do.

BARBARA I was so distraught when I woke up this morning.

HENRY I had no idea. I was oblivious. Thanks for letting me sleep.

102

BARBARA I’m not a smart woman, Henry. I decide things in the moment. Without looking ahead.

HENRY You’ve spent half your life with her, Barbara. And like Tash said, they just met me.

BARBARA So you fell on your sword. Very chivalrous.

HENRY But it sounds like we’re finished.

BARBARA What can I do? I can’t ever tell her it was me.

HENRY Maybe in time -

BARBARA How? I don’t see how.

HENRY Yeah. I don’t either. Unless you lie.

BARBARA And I’m a terrible liar.

HENRY I noticed. That’s why I stepped in.

BARBARA The opposite of everything I wanted. In either case. I sent them packing to Iowa. And I’m sending you – where will you go?

HENRY Where I’ve always been. Alone. And still in love with you.

BARBARA How can you love – what am I? A racist?

HENRY A frightened mother. Who has to let go of someone she loves.

BARBARA Not just her.

HENRY Thank you for saying that.

BARBARA Look at all this food. What a waste. 103

HENRY Yes.

BARBARA I hate politics.

HENRY Me too. But you can’t escape it. No matter how hard you try. It affects you no matter what. In ways you’ll never know … till it’s too late.

BARBARA I’m ashamed.

HENRY Don’t be. You’re alive. And so am I. What else can we ask?

Pause.

BARBARA Maybe … we can finish what we started last night.

HENRY Really?

BARBARA Not that. Pistachio ice cream.

HENRY Ah. The next best thing. A perfect finish.

BARBARA I’ll get the bowls.

BARBARA moves off, leaving HENRY.

He watches her go, then turns back, deep in thought.

HENRY It would be better if ...

He stands up, looks her direction, and softly says:

HENRY I love you, Barbara.

He gets up and leaves the opposite direction. 104

The door SLAMS behind him.

BARBARA appears carrying the ice cream and bowls.

BARBARA Henry?

She realizes he’s gone. She sits down. She opens the ice cream.

END OF PLAY