Destination Wedding Etiquette Guide

Table of Contents

Table of Contents……………………………………………..2

Intro…………………………………………………………....4

Who Pays for What…………………………………………..5

Save-the-Date and Invitation Etiquette…………………..9

Who Gets Invited to What…………………………………14

Guest Travel & Accommodation Etiquette…………..…17

Gift/Registry Etiquette…………………………………..…21

Tipping Etiquette………………………………………...…23

Featured Posts………………………………………..…….25

Closing Remarks…………………………………….………26

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The advice provided within this eBook are the author’s personal thoughts, based on their personal experience. They are not intended to be a definitive set of instructions. You may discover there are other methods to accomplish the same end result.

My name is Cynthia and I’m the Founder and Editor of DestinationWeddingDetails.com and I’d like to congratulate you on your engagement. And because you’re planning a destination wedding, double congratulations are in order. In my humble opinion, there is no better way to tie the knot than by rounding up your closest family/friends and jetting off to a dreamy location away from your hometown.

As you embark on this exciting journey, you’ll soon discover that destination weddings open up some unique possibilities you just can’t pull off with a traditional wedding. But they also come with some very unique challenges and issues.

I know how stressful it can all be. I launched Destination Wedding Details, 7 years ago right after I planned my own destination wedding and realized there was very little information available, even though 25% of all couples get married away from home. Destination Wedding Details started as a labor of love but quickly grew to become a popular award winning destination wedding planning website. Millions of brides have relied on Destination Wedding Details as a planning resource, and it continues to grow every day. My number one goal is to spread the destination wedding gospel with unique ideas, beautiful inspiration, and unbiased advice.

Not surprisingly, I get asked a lot of etiquette questions on a daily basis.

Who gets invited to a destination wedding? Who pays for what? When should invitations be mailed? Can I invite someone to the shower but not the destination wedding?

I know you have questions. And I’ve got answers.

This guide is a roundup of answers to frequently asked destination wedding etiquette questions.

Save this guide to your desktop or print it out and keep it somewhere handy so that you can refer to it any time you encounter a sticky situation.

And don’t forget to follow Destination Wedding Details on Instagram (@DestinationWeddingDetails) and Pinterest for a daily dose of destination wedding tips, advice and inspiration.

Enjoy! Cynthia

There are some hard and fast (and stuffy) rules about who pays for a traditional wedding. You know the drill – the bride’s family pays for the ceremony, dress, and flowers while the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner and his attire. But destination wedding etiquette is far from traditional. You may find that your parents are not too keen on the idea of a destination wedding. They might have always dreamed of their little girl (or boy) getting married in the local church in front of all their friends, family, co-workers, church acquaintances and country club buddies. If that’s the case, they may only pay if you follow their wishes. If you want to go over their heads and do it anyway, then you shouldn’t expect them to fork over the dough. Many modern couples pay for their own wedding. Others find that their parents are delighted to follow tradition when it comes to paying. Do what’s best for your individual circumstance.

No one in your bridal party will expect you to pay for their attire. And you don’t have to, but if you have some extra money left in your budget, it would be a very nice gesture. You are already asking your bridal party to fork over a lot of dough for airfare, hotel and other travel expenses. Asking them to purchase an expensive dress that they’ll only wear once, can put a big strain on their budget. If you can’t afford it, try to go a little easy on their pockets by choosing an inexpensive dress style that they can wear again in the future.

Do I have to pay for all my guests’ travel expenses?

Absolutely not. No one is going to expect you to pay for their travel. You should only pay for the reception dinner and drinks, as well as any other events that you arrange. That being said, you can make it easier on them by finding good destination wedding travel packages that offer airline discounts and/or group rates on hotel rooms. You can also find other ways to help them save money, such as booking a villa that sleeps a big group.

If you arrange it and invite them, then you should also pay. And that goes for pretty much anything at the wedding destination. You shouldn’t expect your guests to pay for a dinner (or brunch or excursion) if you arranged it and invited them.

My ceremony is at an all-inclusive resort, and guests who stay at a different resort need day passes to attend the ceremony. Who should pay the fee?

If your package requires day/guest passes for either your guests or outside vendors, you should pay that fee.

My venue is outside of the resort and guests will need to travel there by cab/uber or bus. Who should pay?

If transportation is required to get to your venue, you should arrange it and pay for it. Keep in mind that your guests are in a foreign land and you’re probably a lot more familiar with it, or have become familiar throughout the planning process. You also have more resources (through the resort or the coordinator), so you should absolutely not let guests fend for themselves on this one.

You need to give your guests as much advanced notice as possible so they can save money for the trip, ask for time off from work, get the best travel deals (the earlier they book, the cheaper it will be) and make any childcare arrangements. For these reasons, it’s important that you send out save-the-dates or a link to your personal website 9-12 months in

advance. Formal invitations should follow at least 2 or 3 months before the wedding. Click here for more in depth advice on when you should mail save the dates and invitations for both the destination wedding and at-home wedding reception.

What details should I include on save-the-date cards?

You can include as little or as much information as you want. Traditionally, save-the-date cards simply contained the couple’s names, the wedding date and location. But since guests need time to plan and coordinate travel, a destination wedding save-the-date calls for a few more details. You can still keep the card short and simple, but make sure you include a link to your destination wedding website, where they can get additional info such as itinerary, travel details, accommodations, etc.

© 2018 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 10 I just started planning my destination wedding and I want to send out save the dates ASAP so our guests can start to save for the trip. The problem is we are still looking for quotes and quotes depend on the number of guests. However we won’t know the number of guests until we send out invitations. But people can’t rsvp if they don’t know the cost. Can you offer some suggestions? I feel like I’m going in circles.

Here is a simple formula that you can use to estimate guest count. Make a big list of everyone you are going to invite. Then take everyone you know needs to attend such as family, the two of you plus anyone else that you are 99% sure will attend. Then look at the rest of the list--a good rule of thumb is that 30% of those people will actually provide a deposit when it is due. So now just add the people who you are 99% will attend to 30% of the rest of your list and you will have a good estimate of the number of people that will attend. Sound confusing? Here’s an example: • Total number of people you’re inviting = 100 people • Number of people you are 99% sure will attend = 10 people • Rest of the list (i.e. number of people you’re not sure will attend) = 90 people • Now take 30% of 90 = 27 people • Your Guest Count Estimate = 37 people (10 people you are sure will attend + 27 you’re estimating will RSVP from the rest of the list).

In other words, based on this formula, you can estimate that about 37 people will probably RSVP and provide deposits when due. You should request proposals from the resort based on the number you feel comfortable will attend, which in this example, would be 37. Another thing you should do, especially when working with a travel agent is to ask for a reduction and escalation clause within the proposal. This will give you the ability to add rooms/guests or reduce rooms and guests and still have the price stay the same for the stay. This will solve the problem of price changes for the guest stay and budget. The only variable could be the flights.

The short answer is yes. Attending a Destination Wedding requires a significant time and monetary commitment from your guests, and I know many people who hesitate to book flights, a hotel room, or take time off from work before they receive a formal invite in the mail. There’s just something about a “real” invitation that makes people take it more seriously.

Am I required to send travel details to my guests?

Yes, you should make this trip as easy and smooth as possible. Give them the airport code of the airport you’re flying into, airlines, hotels and driving distance.

Should I still mail an invitation to friends/family who I know won’t be able to attend?

If those people are important to you, then yes, you should send them an invitation even if you’re pretty sure they won’t be able to attend. Even if they’re strapped for cash or can’t get time off work, sending an invitation will send the message that they’re special and you would love to have them there. Plus, you’d be surprised to see who will come through in the stretch and literally go the extra mile (or thousand miles) to be with you. However if you’re strapped for cash (and let’s face it, invitations can get pricey), you can always send everyone a save-the-date and follow up with formal invitations only to those people who expressed an interest in attending.

When planning your destination wedding, you’ll not only rely on an accurate guest count to determine catering, but your special ‘group travel rate’ or free resort package might also hinge on how many people actually show up. The earlier you know your head count, the better equipped you’ll be to plan and budget accordingly. A good rule of thumb is to ask for RSVP’s at least 4-6 weeks before your wedding. But that’s an oversimplified answer because it really depends on your particular situation. Did you secure a special group rate for your guests? If so, you ask your travel agent when she needs a final headcount in order to secure the group rate. Did you get a ‘free wedding package’ at an all-inclusive resort? If so, you definitely need to ask when they need a final headcount in order to secure the free wedding. You should also talk to your wedding coordinator about when they need a final headcount for catering. Write down the deadlines for all your vendors, take the earliest of those deadlines, pad it by a week, and make that your RSVP deadline. For example: If your caterer needs a final head count by March 25, but the deadline to book travel at the group rate is March 8th, then tell guests they must RSVP by March 1st. This gives you a week to gather all the info and send an accurate guest count to the travel agent/resort/venue/caterer.

© 2018 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 13 © 2017 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 14 Who gets invited to a destination wedding? How do I handle the people who I’m not inviting?

You should invite anyone you want, just like you would if you were getting married at home. The big difference between the two, is that with a hometown wedding you’re obligated to invite a whole bunch of people even if you don’t necessarily want them there (ie. boss, coworkers, friends of friends, your parent’s friends, neighbors). When you’re having a destination wedding, most people will understand if they don’t get an invitation, because the guest list usually consists of close family and friends.

What should I do about people who invite themselves?

One of the perks that comes with planning a destination wedding, is that you have carte blanche to weed out all the unnecessary people from your guest list. Nearly everyone will understand if they’re not invited to travel with you. But it almost never fails – there will be a few indiscreet people who will still come right out and ask for an invitation. If you wouldn’t normally feel comfortable inviting someone to vacation with you on some tropical island, don’t send them invitations to your destination wedding either. If they go, it will be awkward and uncomfortable. You can almost always get away with telling them that it’s going to be a “small, intimate celebration with just family”.

Don’t feel pressured to arrange special pre or post wedding events. It’s nice to plan something as a thank you and to give everyone a chance to mingle, but it’s certainly not mandatory. If you do decide to plan something, the same advice applies when it comes to paying – if you plan it, arrange it and invite people, then you should pay.

Who gets invited to the rehearsal dinner or welcome cocktails?

If you were tying the knot at home, you’d only invite immediate family and the bridal party to the rehearsal dinner. But when it comes to this, destination wedding etiquette is a little different. No one will expect an invitation. That being said, it can be a little awkward to exclude the majority of your guests especially when they’ve traveled so far. Your guest list will likely be much smaller than a traditional hometown wedding, where inviting everyone to a rehearsal dinner could be cost prohibitive. With a destination wedding, you might be able to get away with inviting everyone without breaking the bank. And this is a fantastic opportunity for everyone to mingle and get to know each other.

Is it necessary to book excursions and other activities?

Not necessary. There are two schools of thought here. Because you probably chose a really nice location, you should let guests enjoy it at their leisure. If you over plan every second of their time, they won’t have space to do their own thing. On the other hand, some people believe that it’s a nice gesture to book at least one excursion or activity. The choice is really yours. If you do arrange something and invite guests, you should cover the costs as well as transportation.

If you don’t feel that someone is important enough to make it onto your destination wedding guest list, then you probably shouldn’t invite them to your shower either. It’s in poor taste to invite people to an event that is pretty much designed to solicit gifts, yet not invite them to the main event.

My coworkers told me they can’t go to the destination wedding but still want to be invited to the bridal shower. Can I send them a shower invitation?

It is perfectly acceptable to send a shower invite to your co-workers because the expectations have already been set upfront. It is only in poor taste to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding IF they are expecting a wedding invitation that never comes. In your case, they asked to be invited despite the fact that they will not be able to attend the wedding. They already know they’re not attending the wedding and specifically asked you for a shower invite anyway. There won’t be any surprises when they don’t receive a wedding invitation and therefore no hard feelings.

© 2018 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 17 © 2017 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 18 My fiancé and I are planning to spend 3-4 days with our guests prior to the ceremony but would like them to leave the morning after our wedding. Is it impolite to put this on the invitation?

I completely sympathize with your desire to get away and have some alone time with your new hubby after spending days surrounded by family & friends. That being said, I would advise against putting that in your invitation and here’s why…

You’re asking your guests to spend what is probably a considerable amount of time and money to attend your wedding (unless you’re paying , of course). It’s important to remember that this is their vacation also. It can be perceived as rude or in poor taste to tell them what to do on a vacation they paid for and set aside time for. Even if you request that they abandon the resort after your wedding, there’s no guarantee they’ll actually do what you ask. You should consider moving your honeymoon to a different resort or even a nearby town. You can’t control what your guests do, but you can control where YOU are. If that is not an option for you, then you should spread your desire via word of mouth but be prepared to have a few people ignore it and crash your honeymoon anyway.

Unless you’re paying for their travel (which is uncommon), you can’t make your guests do anything. But you can do a lot to steer them towards staying at the same resort. First, you should choose a resort that is affordable or within everyone’s price range. You should negotiate with the resort to get the best group rate possible. If it is really important that everyone stay in the same resort, don’t give them other options or resort suggestions. When you give too many hotel options, you’re bound to have people stay in different places. Make sure that your website or save-the-date has the name of the resort, group rates, and a phone number or link to make reservation.

I’ll get a great deal at my venue if I book on a weekday. Would it be rude to get married Monday - Thursday?

One of the perks of getting married abroad, is that everyone is already on vacation and they don’t have to go to school or work the next day, so what does it really matter what day of the week it is? It is very common and acceptable to get married on a weekday when you’re having a destination wedding.

© 2018 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 20 I’m worried about how the important people in our lives will react to a destination wedding. Will they think we’re being selfish and refuse to travel?

This is a very common question, and a tricky one to address because everyone’s circumstance is unique. If there are “must-haves” on your list, you should talk to them about your plans before you book. Depending on their reaction, you can decide whether you want to move forward with a destination wedding or not. Some people may react negatively for several different reasons –- they can’t afford it, they don’t like to travel, childcare, etc.

If it’s critical to have them at your wedding, you can take steps to make it easier on them. For example, choose an affordable location close to home, help them out with costs if you can afford it, choose a family-friendly resort, etc. These gestures will go a long way in showing that you’re not selfish and you’re taking others into consideration.

If they’re simply hesitating because of the novelty of it all (and there are some sticklers for tradition), then you have to decide what’s more important to you – making them happy or having the wedding of your dreams. But keep in mind, that most people who hesitate or resist destination weddings end up having the time of their lives. It may take a little convincing at first, but chances are they will thank you when it’s all said and done.

Click here for more tips on how to manage your family’s reaction to your destination wedding.

© 2018 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 21 © 2017 Destination Wedding Details All Rights Reserved Page 22 I feel awkward accepting gifts when I’m already asking guests to spend money on travel. How can I tell them we don’t want gifts without sounding rude?

One way you can approach this, is to ask parents or the bridal party to spread the word verbally. Even saying “no gifts” on your invitation can be considered poor etiquette. If you feel it’s necessary to address it on the invitation, try something more subtle like “Your presence is the best gift we wish to receive”, or “Your presence is gift enough“. If they still choose to give you a gift, accept it gracefully. Read more about destination wedding wording.

How do I spread the word about our registry?

Don’t mention it on your invitations. Instead, put a link to it on your website or ask your parents, or the bridal party to spread the word. Also make sure you communicate that since you’ll be traveling, you won’t be able to carry gifts back home. You should direct guests to send gifts to your home.

It depends. If your wedding is at an all-inclusive resort, tipping is not necessary and is sometimes even discouraged by management. You should use your discretion. If you received exceptional service from a coordinator who handled everything for you, a tip would be a good way to say thank you. You can also give her envelopes for the catering staff, waiters, or anyone else whose service you were really happy with. If you hired outside professional services, such as a photographer, videographer or florist, you are not expected to tip. They probably negotiated their rate and expect to be paid what they asked for. That being said, if you feel that you received amazing service, a tip would be a good way to say thank you. Any tips should be distributed on the day of the ceremony.

• Real Destination Wedding Inspiration

• The Ultimate Destination Wedding Checklist

• A review of the best personal destination wedding websites and apps

• Cool Destination Wedding Save-the-Date Ideas

• Destination Wedding Invitation 101

• Unique Destination Wedding Invitation Ideas

• When to mail Destination Wedding Save-the-Dates and Invitations

• A Guide to Destination Wedding Invitation Wording

• Post-Destination Wedding Invitation Ideas

• 7 Keys to Cheap Destination Weddings

• 17 Welcome Bag Items Your Guests Will Love

• Fun Destination Wedding Invitations with Room for all the Details

• Making Your Destination Wedding Legal

• Destination Wedding Social Media Etiquette Tips

While this guide answers the most common destination wedding etiquette questions, it is impossible to address every single question here because everyone has different circumstances. I believe that etiquette is more about having common courtesy than following a set of “rules”. This is especially true in this day and age, because etiquette rules have evolved and changed so much. When you’re thinking about how you should treat your guests/bridal party/parents/friends or how you should handle a situation, just think about how you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. If you follow that train of thought, you will be at peace with any decision you make.

To get more advice, tips and real destination wedding inspiration, head over to Destination Wedding Details.

Congratulations on your decision to walk down the aisle less travelled. It’s a decision that you will never regret!

Hugs, Cynthia

Creative Commons • Pages 8, 14, 16, 22

Istock • Pages 6, 10, 24

Victor Herrera Photography • Page 19

Morgan Lynn Photography • Page 20