November 20, 2002 Slant.Qxd

November 20, 2002 - Volume 3, Issue 7 - www.theslant.net - FREE every other Wednesday

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

21st Birthday Celebrated With Cake, Ice Cream

Vanderbilt To Construct Bridge Between Greek Row And Branscomb Quad

Cheerleaders Suffering From Chronic Depression

America'sAmerica's UnderclassUnderclass CelebratesCelebrates RepublicanRepublican TriumphTriumph By Tim Boyd slant features in other news

Frat Brother Forcibly Fondles Self dent. "Besides, we need an outlet for Supreme Court Strikes Down A brother at an unnamed 'Celebrity Fear Factor' reruns and unaired Continued Validity Of All Your fraternity was reported to episodes of 'Union Station,'" one of the Base Jokes have forcibly fondled many failed post-Friends programs of the In a 7-2 vote, the himself earlier in the past decade. Supreme Court week. Commenting on voted in favor of allegations of the self- Movie Fan Eagerly Awaits Nashville the prosection in harrassment, the fraterni- Premiere the landmark ty member said, "Unlike Film buff Michael case of The Peo- SOME people, when no Bryant is looking for- ple vs. All Your girls want to have sex with me, I mastur- ward to the Nashville Base Are Belong To Us. Chief Justice bate. But when I can't get MYSELF to have premiere of new movie William Rehnquist stated in his opinion, sex with me, then I take matters into my Frida, starring actress "It's just not funny anymore, and the Consti- own hands, so to speak. Besides, did you see Salma Hayek. "It's the tution clearly states that anyone who makes the codpiece I was wearing? I was asking inspirational story of a bad jokes should be extradited to some- for it." young Mexican woman where cold." Clarence Thomas, one of the who uses art to over- dissenting justices, said in his opinion, Bush Celebrates Random Acts of come a crippling accident in her youth," said "What you say?" and then fell over giggling. Kindness Week With Random Acts Bryant. "She also gets naked on screen." of Violence The film has earned praise for its dazzling Umpire Purchases Eyeglasses In commemora- and inventive artistic technique, as well as Umpire Robert tion of Random "a hot lesbo scene" featuring Ms. Hayek and Fitzgerald finally Acts Of Kindness waifish co-star Saffron Burrows. complied with Week, President fans longstanding Bush decided to Everything In Frats 'Hunky-Dory' requests Saturday donate several IFC President and purchased tons of active plu- Neal Cope insists eyeglasses. The tonium to Iraq, that things have following week, Fitzgerald also took a hike, extending an been "hunky- and went and fucked himself. Sadly, Fitzger- olive branch by dory" and "just ald still botched several calls at the next helping them in their long struggle to peachy" as of late game, despite his strict regimen of glasses- achieve nuclear strike capabilities. Saddam in the greek wearing, hiking, and masturbation. Hussein reportedly thanked Bush, saying, world. "There have been no problems worth "You are so stupid. You have surely caused mentioning," he said. When asked about the Target Diversity Finally Reached your civilization's destruction. Nevertheless, recent allegations of attempted rape, Cope Late Monday, Sophomore Janet Smith we appreciate the thought." plugged his ears, shut his eyes and said "La, responded to a friend's reference to "that la, la, la... I can't HEAR YOU!" black guy," with the question, "which black Army Recruit Upset That Boot guy?" thereby proving Vanderbilt has ful- Camp Didn't Have As Much To Do Beer Can Stack Dangerously Close filled its diversity quota. Chancellor Gee With Boots As He Expected to Toppling Over responded to the comment, "I think it is Recent Army recruit Edward Woodmont's stack of beer cans in wonderful that multiple African-Americans Mike Phillips was his Lewis apartment is apparently grow- can be found in a single place on campus. reportedly dejected ing so large as to be threatening both his We are obviously accomplishing our goals." after his first several PS2 and CD collection. Though experts days of boot camp, are unsure which way the stack may fall, Harry Potter Makes It Through asking if it would be the risk to the PS2 has been upgraded to New Harry Potter Movie "alright" if he just Defcon 3. It was reported went home. Appar- that protagonist ently, Phillips signed Corporate Rock Still Sucks Harry Potter sur- up with the Army because he thought Boot According to one prisingly makes it Camp would be a several week intensive area t-shirt seen through new shoe-making seminar. Said Phillips, "All I at a concert movie Harry Pot- ever wanted in life was to cobble shoes." recently, corpo- ter And The rate rock still has Chamber Of Must Fuck-Up TV not stopped suck- Secrets without The National Broadcasting Company ing. T-shirt wear- dying. Unfortunately, the same cannot be bought the Bravo television network from er Jack Rickman said for Richard Harris, the actor playing the Cablevision for $1.25 billion in an effort to agreed, saying, character of Headmaster Dumbledore. fuck up the only station with quality arts "The radio sucks, too. And so does the entire Sources say that in the third and fourth programming. "I just thought those guys fast food industry." movies, Harry Potter will also not die. were way too pretentious," said NBC Presi- inside this issue slant features

America's Underclass 55 Celebrates Republican Triumph

LeadLead SStoriestories

6 21st Birthday Celebrating another year with cake and ice cream FeaturedFeatured thisthis issueissue

6 A Havard Reject From The Shaman 4 VU Student still pissed he was not good Fortnightly Image 4 enough for the Vanderbilt of the North Dining Fails Inspection 6 New Greek Row Bridge 7 7 VU Cheerleaders Depressed GEICO Marketing Suit 8 It is tough to keep your head Lucky Breaks Down 8 up when your team only loses Thin Is Out 9 9 Inside The Slant Bush Carves Turkey 10 Where's Jesse? 10 Have a look at the magic behind the laughter The Best Thanksgiving 11 My Bitch RA 11 Ask A Student Health Doc 12 Top Ten List 12 I think you just need some more blue pills

NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET 3 The Slant FROM THE SHAMAN I had an experience last Saturday Safer Than Rand Since 1886

310 West Side Row I would like to share with you all… Suite 200L Nashville, TN 37235 Fax 615-343-2756 website www.theslant.net

LITTLE WHILE AGO, I PROMISED A FRIEND I DAVID BARZELAY Staff WOULD PUT "SOMETHING NICE" IN THE Shaman-in-Chief David Barzelay rustle of the wind in the trees, blanketed Managing Editor Brad Ploeger SLANT. WELL, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT AS by a contentedness so full and profound Ad Sales Manager Rob Hilton NICE AND POSITIVE AS IT COULD GET, Editors that I think I’ll never again be able to see Dave Biller Robert Saunders and the rest of the staff just leaves blowing, or feel a wind on my face, without reliving that Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead laughs at me for it anyway, so same elation. Copy Editors Melanie Siemens Audrey Peters perhaps it is fairly funny. Let As long as there are moments like that, how can one ever be Contributing Writers me tell you all about an experi- sad? I see something like that almost daily, although I don’t Evan Alston Andrew Banecker ence I had last week, and I usually recognize it so fully. In this life, we are Julia Bensfield Tim Boyd Laura Carlson Greg Champoux assure you there's no sarcasm so bombarded with beauty and Diabetus Chris Entzminger here. And no, I wasn't high. with joy that we become numb Adila Faruk Meredith Gray ALast Saturday night, I came out of attending a Vanderbilt Uni- to it and fail to acknowledge it, Peter Grant Jacob Grier Richard Green Sean Kelley versity Theater play, and I was standing outside the theater talking focusing on the pain. Life to me is Michael Leaming Howard Lee to a few friends. At one point, I turned around for some reason, and an overwhelming, constant sense of joy Kate Loveless Zach Norton just as I turned, the wind started blowing. All of the golden leaves and elation. No matter what pain or sorrow is Ankit Maheshwari Stephanie Schacht Eric Schnapp Beth Steedley lying under a big maple started blowing, swirling, cascading along present, there exists always this joy. I could Liz Vennum Judson Wallace the ground. The volume and speed of the leaves was incredible, and endure years of pain for one moment of Layout Designer Heather Miliman I just stood there watching, mesmerized, for about a minute, until pleasure as pure as I felt last night. Advertising Sales Chris Barbour Keith Leeman the wind died down. It was so beautiful, and filled me with such I want everyone to know that I Past Editors joy, that after standing for a while longer with my friends, smiling love you deeply, and see in each Joe Wong Mike Mott in bliss and no longer listening to their conversation, I just took off of you wonderful things wor- Other running. thy of appreciation, admira- Submissions I ran back to my dorm, and jumped up onto the picnic table tion, and emulation. Thank Editorial submissions are accepted from our outside. I was so full of life, so bursting with elation that I spent the you all for being a part readers; The Slant cannot guarantee the return rest of the night trying to tell all of my friends about it. Finally an of this amazing, of any submission, nor can The Slant guarantee a response to any submissions. hour or two before sunrise, I took my pillow out on Alumni Lawn incredible life. and watched the clouds and the stars pass by under a deep purple How is that for Back Issues sky. I watched the sun rise, and fell asleep listening to birds and the nice, Amy? Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address THE SLANT’S FORTNIGHTLY IMAGE above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected].

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Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a Defending Intellectual Property Rights redress of grievances. Staff Photo lead stories slant features America's Underclass Celebrates Republican Triumph

"Finally, the conservative judicial appointments we've been waiting for," say poverty-stricken ghetto residents

BY TIM BOYD

ollowing the historic success of the FRepublican Party in strengthening its grip on the House of Representatives and winning control of the Senate, widespread celebration has broken out amongst Ameri- ca's poorest and most dispossessed. "This is the moment we’ve been waiting for," said Harlem street person David Hill. "For years everyone in the homeless shelter has been praying for the time when we can finally have widespread de-regula- tion of the nation’s energy industries, and now that time has come. Frankly, we've all unemployed. "Massive tax-cuts for the over- someone did something about it." erals have come to power in Washington, been sick of these do-gooders and social privileged is clearly the answer to our Of course, not everyone welcomes the there’s not much we can do. Until the engineers who keep proposing endless inner nation's problems," said former Ford Republican control of Washington. The Republicans took the Senate seats in Min- city investment plans. Good for Dubya for employee Bob Flint. "I think we should be biggest losers are the liberal elite, who have nesota, Georgia and New Hampshire, we knowing what we really need!" grateful to America's wealthy for being pre- now had their dominance of national power stood a real chance of destroying this coun- Single mother Denise Ferguson of Dal- pared to accept another huge income boost ended conclusively. The liberal elite, con- try, but now we will have to allow true, red- las, Texas, said that the massive military in the vague hope that somewhere down the sisting of Mr. and Mrs. Ian Richardson, who blooded Americans to govern our affairs." build-up will be the answer to her welfare line they might bother to invest it in an run a small flag-burning factory in News of the elite's decision only added dependency. "Ever since I was left by my industry that could, conceivably, provide me Pinkoville, Massachusetts, have said they to the euphoria amongst America's dispos- husband and then lost my job, I've been with a job. That’s always been my dream." now plan to give up the fight. sessed. On one banner, prominently dis- waiting for the nation to spend tax money Residents of inner-city Detroit have Said Mr. Richardson, "Yes, it’s true. played, was the slogan, "Finally, someone on those extra nuclear missiles we so des- been particularly supportive of the Presi- Ever since FDR came to power, we have cares about us." Commenting, union dock perately need. Some have said they should dent’s intention to appoint conservative successfully subverted true American values worker Rashad Jackson said, "Finally, a use the money to help people like me eke judges to the federal bench. "In this crime- to the extent that people have had to feel governmental regime that loves me enough out a living just above the poverty line, but riddled, depressing hell-hole of a city, we’ve ashamed to identify themselves as a conser- not to destroy my pride by giving me much- that would be hurting me more than helping been crying out for restrictions on pornogra- vative. Our greatest triumph was making needed handouts. I'm so glad that my chil- me." Ferguson further added, "Besides, phy and abortion," said Arthur Johnson, 40 every company make sure it hired the requi- dren won't have to feel the shame of seeing studies show that irresponsible single year resident of Detroit. "The striking of the site number of black, female, left-handed, presents under the tree paid for in part by women like me tend to blow all the money phrase 'under God' from the Pledge of Alle- disabled, and transsexual office cleaners, but unearned welfare money. Sure, I'm going to on crack, horses and alcohol." giance and the constant desecration of the I guess that will all go to waste now." have to take a third job to keep them Perhaps the most unexpected support American flag have destroyed the standard Mrs. Richardson added, "I think we put clothed, but eventually all this supply-side for the Republican program came from the of living in this area, and it’s about time up a good fight, but now that some non-lib- econ will pay off." lead stories

21st Birthday Vanderbilt Dining Fails Health Inspection Celebrated With Dining cramming for cannot possibly be made in the conditions And if we take it too far over the edge, we demanded by the state! Damn government.” have one of the nation’s best medical centers Cake, Ice Cream retake The Tennessee Department of Health just a couple blocks away to treat any X- reports that Camp’s Fire Sauce is alone treme food poisoning!” By JACOB GRIER responsible for at least seven of the critical Frank Gladu says that students should not Fun happens without problems. be worried about the facilities. “We’re going Vanderbilt’s usually apathetic student When interviewed for this story, Vander- to be ready next time, and I think we can get drunkenness body was digusted to learn that Rand Dining bilt Dining’s Marketing Manager Kim an 88 no problem. I like 88 because it’s a Hall had failed its Health Inspection last LaPean defended the low score. “It’s all a good round number, and palindromic, too.” By ROBERT SAUNDERS week. Rand scored a dismal 69, with 13 part of our new ‘X-treme’ theme here in “And besides,” Gladu added with a wink, items considered critically important to fix. CX2,” she said. “X-treme salmonella, X- “With all of the extra tax money we’ve been Young adults were getting high at Cal- Dining Director Frank Gladu was disap- treme botulism, X-tremely undercooked bribing the state with, we can’t lose!” lie Johanssen's twenty-first birthday party pointed. “I really thought they were going to food. Here at Rand, we take it to the edge! this weekend: a good quality sugar high curve that test, so I didn’t prepare enough. from all the cake and ice cream, that is. With all that grade inflation going on at the In a refreshing change for the Vander- Ivy schools, we never get a break! We’re bilt community, Callie Johanssen cele- really cramming for the retake though.” brated her 21st birthday with an informal On the upside, Gladu said, “If we had to party of cake and ice cream with a hand- fail, we couldn’t do it with two cooler num- ful of her close friends on campus. She bers. I mean, how many schools can associ- also invited her aunt and uncle who hap- ate 69 with their dining halls? Harvard can’t, pen to live in Nashville, and they all I’ll tell you that right now. And 13 critical played board games till the wee hours of problems? If I hadn’t wiped that knife on an the morning. The guests finally left unsanitized towel there would have been around 1 a.m. only 12, which isn’t even a prime.” "I've celebrated all my birthdays this Executive Chef Camp Howard wasn’t at way since I was a little girl," said all concerned. “I hear all these complaints Johanssen, a Branscomb resident. "Just about cleanliness around here, but am I the because I'm old enough to drink doesn't only one who cares about taste? Sure, we mean that I have to." could keep the chicken hot, but without bac- Jeanine Atkinson of the Office of Alco- terial growth where is the flavor going to hol, Tobacco and Other Drug Prevention come from? And my special Fire Sauce, the Rand Dining Center home of the 69 on their most recent health inspection said, "It really makes me feel good to byproduct of an ancient Cherokee ritual, Staff Photo know that the alcohol awareness programs I've implemented have had their intended effect on somebody on this cam- Senior Still Pissed He Didn't Get Into Harvard pus, for once in my life. College fun has to inform Handorf that his request for finally been had without drunkenness! My Still insists on telling admission had been denied. "It was total work here is done." everyone that Vanderbilt bullshit because there was this guy in my "My grades were like Callie's birthday party is in stark con- class who got into Harvard becuase he trast to the traditions of many 21-year- ten times better than was his safety played the piano, but my grades were like olds at Vanderbilt. "On my 21st, I did a ten times better than his. And another kid his. And another kid shot of 17 different liquors followed by By JULIA BENSFIELD got in just cause he's black!" a shot of beer every 21 minutes before got in just cause he's Harvard Dean of Admissions Abigail puking my guts out," said deposed Slant Vanderbilt senior William Handorf is still VanDerHoeven stated: "Mr. Handorf black!" Editor Mike Mott. "I got to 21 eventual- angry that he was not accepted to Harvard showed a great interest in the school. His ly though." -Handorf University when he applied for admission in extra-curriculars were sufficient and he was "I guess this is what they mean by 'cul- 1998. And he can't stop talking about it. a strong student. However, we had a record tural differences.' Maybe this is the cus- "I applied early, because my high school number of applicants that year and could not dorf endured. "Yea, Will had this ridiculous tom of her people," said Kappa Delta guidance counselor told me it would secure a position for him." hang-up about not being accepted to Har- Treasurer Mitzy Barnhart, who has been enhance my chances of getting accepted," Not only has Handorf not forgotten Har- vard. It was totally weird! Even with girls he attending now-mandatory alcohol aware- said Handorf. vard, he also has not forgotten the fact that insisted on telling them that Vanderbilt was ness and sensitivity meetings. "It seemed Even though Handorf was deferred by Vanderbilt was his safety. "I didn't even his safety and that he was going to transfer kind of juvenile to me, but I realize now the prestigious university, he persisted and come to visit Vanderbilt. I assumed I would- as soon as he could." that's just my 'culture exerting its hegemo- kept his application in for the regular pool. n't have to go." recalls Handorf. Handorf never got around to tranfer- ny by using pejorative terminology.' "I even wrote follow-up letters to the Dean When he in fact did end up coming here, ring, so today he is still at Vanderbilt, That's what the brochure says, so I guess of Admissions to, you know, show him that he never seemed to let go of the fact that he now a senior, complaining about Har- it's right." I was still interested." was not at Harvard. Handorf's freshman vard's negligence. Despite these efforts, Harvard was sorry roommate remembers the struggle that Han-

6 NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET slant features Vandy Cheerleaders Suffering From Chronic Depression Repeated defeats destroying Saunders is handling the treatment: "It's so affection, like "Tri-Delt is quite fond of our Oh, who cares?" It is hoped that by lowering sad. When they joined, these were joyful Dores, but we don’t want to make you feel expectations, crowds will become less dis- motivation young ladies, hand-picked for their commit- bad if you don’t win, so no pressure – just appointed with the inevitable defeats. Coach ment to athletic excellence, intellectual dex- do your best." Johnson concluded, "This should work. If it By TIM BOYD terity and inspirational qualities, but four Certain popular chants will also have to doesn’t – well, at least our players will all years of endless losing has destroyed the amended. "Vandy, Vandy, Vandy, - Oh, hell graduate." With the Commodores completing their morale of the entire squad. It's got to the yeah!" will become "Vandy, Vandy, Vandy – 20th consecutive losing season, and register- stage now where they can’t even take pleas- ing no home SEC win in 4 years, the team ure in their popularity, marketing endorse- cheerleaders have admitted that they are ments, and young, nubile, hot, tanned bod- finding it increasingly difficult to maintain a ies." At this stage, Saunders had to sit down cheery exterior and keep the crowd going. and was unable to continue the interview. "You have no idea what it’s like to Coach Johnson has said that in order to spend three hours trying to motivate a crowd meet this motivational crisis, the team faces at Dudley Field," said Jenny Richards, a two options: either start winning or adopt a Vandy cheerleader. "We try and stay upbeat, more realistic attitude with regard to the but when the faces in front of you just uni- crowd's expectations. Ruling out the first formly display frustration, pessimism and option as unfeasible, Johnson has instructed anger, there’s only so much you can do. the Vandy Band to adapt its tunes to suit the Week in, week out, we lose – and not just occasion. In place of the "Imperial March" against the good teams, but even against the and "Louie Louie," the band will play bad teams. I try and smile, and jump and D:Ream’s "Things can only get better." cheer, but my God, how am I expected to Rather than run out to the theme from 2001, cope?! I'm only human! There's only so the team will come onto Dudley Field much a person can take, I… I… I'm sorry, I accompanied by "Always look on the bright need to go to my happy place now." side of life." Richards later said that the mental strain Sororities, who have traditionally dis- was becoming too much, and that half the played posters such as "Tri-Delt loves our cheerleading squad was now receiving Dores," will be asked to adjust their slo- Students with posters of moderate expressions of affection counseling. Psychology Professor Andrew gans to more moderate expressions of Staff Photo

Vanderbilt To Construct Bridge Between Greek Row And Branscomb Quad

have experienced near fatal accidents when across the bridge. Crouching underneath Danger and unity between 400 21st Avenue South attempting to cross the street for breakfast the bridge will allow many students to get (Next to Starbucks) Greeks and freshmen cited as at Branscomb. Anderson states, “I think it great views up girls' skirts. Inevitably is good idea to put a bridge there, because many freshmen will also fall when trying reasons for bridge 327-0220 sometimes you can’t wait those three to to climb the steps, which will provide even 11am-8pm daily five seconds to cross the street. It will help more entertainment to those intoxicated. By LAURA CARLSON “Good for you” prevent many accidents.” Finally there is the debate of where to VUPD is simply tired of watching put the new bridge. Members of Sigma Chi In an effort to unite the Greek commu- fax: 327-0645 nity with the freshman class, Vanderbilt drunken students attempt to cross the street would like the bridge near 25th avenue, has decided to construct a bridge between when they have the munchies. They say, whereas members of Beta Theta Pi and frat row and Branscomb Quad. Officials “It’s just not safe.” There have been count- Kappa Sigma Fraternities would like it said they are tired of the lack of interaction less near-death experiences and many bro- closer to their houses and 24th avenue. The Olsen Twins between the two groups and feel that the ken limbs. most obvious location would be right in bridge is necessary to promote relations Many freshmen are excited about the the middle, but no one wants to go to the amongst Greeks and freshmen. intended bridge. Freshmen Sarah Reed is Baptist Student Center. It is still under Another issue surrounding the con- eagerly anticipating the construction. Reed debate where the bridge will actually be struction of the bridge is the danger many said, “I know that Frat Row is only like constructed, due to the fact that no one students face when crossing Vanderbilt across the street and stuff, but it feels like wants to go out of their way to cross the Place from Greek row to the Branscomb we are worlds away.” Many other fresh- busy street. Plans will be finalized within Varsity Market. Sigma Chi frat brother men echo the same sentiments. the next month, and construction should Derek Anderson cites that after a long Frat members and geeks alike are begin in late December. 570 days night of partying, he and fellow brothers eager to watch freshmen girls stumble

NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET 7 slant features GEICO Accused Of Marketing Insurance To Children Hit with $1.8 billion lawsuit The suit comes at a time when sales of Children claim that the ads have no I've earned some security, that's for sure." auto insurance polices to children are on the effect on them. "I bought the insurance Insurance industry analysts say that thse By ROBERT SAUNDERS rise. (see chart) Children represent a grow- because you never know when you might practices are part of a new paradigm in the ing part of the auto insurance market. have an accident, and when you have an post-dotcom marketplace. "Companies have GEICO's chairman and CEO Tony accident, you want speedy service 24 hours to do what they can to tap new markets. The Children's Defense Fund filed a Nicely denied that it was targeting children. a day. It had nothing to do with the lizard," Children have high levels of disposable class action suit against GEICO, the dis- "Everyone knows that children cannot said 9-year-old Chelsea Monroe. income, and the market applauds this count auto insurance company, in federal drive until 16 in most states, and 17 in Added fourth-grade playmate Qyisha effort," said Stanley Baumgardner of Credit district court. The organization brought some. So there'd be no point in selling Rodgers, "Even though I like the ads, I went Suisse-First Boston. the case on behalf of the nation's chil- them insurance." with Allstate because at this point in my life, AFLAC is also under investigation dren for "marketing adult products to Brant Whitford, head of the advertising I'm willing to sacrifice some cost in premi- for their use of an allegedly "adorable" minors." team at DeWitt & Somers, which designed ums in exchange for reliability and trust. little duck. The organization seeks damages total- the GEICO ads, said, "Cartoons and anima- ing $1.8 billion. The money would reim- tion are enjoyed by adults of all ages. Just burse children for insurance policies pur- because kids like cartoons doesn't mean chased before 2002. Leftover funds would we're trying to sell insurance to kids. be channeled to education programs that Besides, what could be a more appropriate clearly communicate driving is for people symbol for an insurance company than a 16 years of age or older. slimy reptile? It's that kind of ironic usage The chief object of the organization's that connects with today's young adults." suit is "Gecko," the animated gecko who is However, a Slant investigation has featured in mildly amusing commercials for uncovered an internal GEICO memo indi- the company's auto insurance. cating children were targeted by their adver- "Obviously by using an animated char- tising practices. "Demographers tell us that acter, they are targeting children," said CDF over 90% of this nation's 15 year olds will founder and President Marian Wright Edel- become 16 year olds. And when they turn man. "I see nothing funny in these ads. I see 16, over 75% will obtain a driver's license," children who are being deceived and taken reads the memo. advantage of." The memo continues: "The fact that Gecko would not comment for this arti- children under 16 cannot drive is a bonus. cle, citing a contractual obligation with We will collect premiums from them with- GEICO. out having to pay out on claims." Trix Rabbit Suffers Mental Breakdown Tells children 'Trix are what The Trix rabbit was not always such a Rabbit had decided that she too felt the call sugared-up children's cereal. However, the jaded and bitter member of the cereal icon of fame, and moved to New York to become pressures of fame began to build up, and your mom turns on Saturday world. Born Dwight Fluffy Rabbit to parents an exotic dancer and reportedly "bred like a Dwight began a slow and steady decline night' Moppy and Snuggle rabbit with whoever toward alcoholism and depression. Bunny Rabbit, he lived was willing." The two After a full day acting jovial and good- By MEREDITH GRAY an idyllic country life have been estranged naturedly disappointed to a gaggle of ani- in rural Connecticut. However, the since 1994. Dwight's mated children, he would often go on a car- Yesterday afternoon, the Trix rabbit However, this life of father, Moppy, decid- rot and bourbon binge that would last exploded in anger to the taunts of area chil- frolicking in meadows pressures of fame ed to end his life in several days. His recent outburst was seen dren who reminded him,"Silly Rabbit, Trix and eating tender 1995 by volunteering by many to be inevitable, and a long time are for kids!" after yet another of his plots clover was not enough began to build up, to be used in a med- coming. Directer Norah Westminster, mas- to obtain the brightly-hued cereal was for him, as the acting and Dwight began ical trial for pregnan- termind of the Trix ad campaign, said, "I foiled. The Trix rabbit reportedly started bug bit him in his early cy tests. knew Dwight was about at the end of his angrily pulling his own large, floppy ears, teen years. Armed with a slow and steady Dwight, suffering rope. Just the other day I caught him yelling, "You know what, you little bas- a block of alfalfa and a decline toward from the pressures of attempting to put his own 'droppings' in the tards? Trix are what your mom turns on plastic water bottle, he his family, began to prop box of Trix that the children eat." Saturday nights!" set out to the big city to alcoholism and feel the lure of Holly- Dwight, known to friends as "Ike," was The rabbit went on to allege that the succeed as an actor. wood, and packed his reportedly last seen with his illegitimate half youngsters' mothers use the money they After gathering depression. bags and set out yet brother, the Nestle Quick bunny, at a strip obtain through prostitution for their vora- rave reviews as the title again. He immediate- joint in Hoboken, NJ. He refused to com- cious crack cocaine habits. Before running role of "The Velveteen ly landed the choice ment on his recent dismissal from the Trix away, his nose twitching with fury, the rab- Rabbit" off-Broadway, Dwight's family role as the Trix rabbit, the hare mercilessly advertisement, saying only to reporters, bit screamed, "And you're all adopted... and began to unravel. After his initial Broadway tormented by children after he tries time and "Why don't you stick this rainbow of fruity Santa Claus is dead!" success, Dwight's mother Snuggle Bunny time again to procure the brightly colored, colors up your ass."

8 NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET slant features Thin Is Out A Look Into The Inner Workings Of The Slant Behind the laughter Fashion experts decide “But….but…it doesn’t rhyme!” said Gap. “The whole witty thing about ‘Thin Is In’ healthy human bodies are is that it rhymed! This just isn’t the same. By ANDREW BANECKER “sexy” Maybe they could do ‘gout is out’…..” Senior Nick Mann was equally disap- Vanderbilt students of all kinds really enjoy and often become avid readers of The By BEN STARK proving. “It was awful! My girlfriend Slant. They see the finished product every other Wednesday, take an hour or two out of made me sit there as she went through their day, and smile. But these funny articles just don't write themselves, there is actually In a stunning reversal, representatives every freakin’ outfit she has and asked me a complicated, time consuming process each article idea must go through before it reach- of the fashion industry have overturned of ‘does this make me look skinny?’ Doesn’t es the stands and makes its way into our collective hearts. their long-standing policy of “Thin Is In.” she get that I’m not going out with her for It all starts innocently enough with an online submission from one of our writers. In In its place, they are now designing outfits her skinniness? I like her for her personali- this case, let us look at an article entitled "Stumbling Home," by Greg Champoux. around the average, healthy human body. ty….well, that and her …she has a “Oh my God, thin is SO out,” said nice….I ADMIT IT! I LIKE BIG BUTTS. Stumbling Home world-famous designer Kate Armani. I CANNOT LIE!” Once, I was walking a girl back to her room and we started kissing so I asked her if I Armani’s top rival, Calvin Spade, Even his other frat brothers can’t could come inside. Next thing I knew, some RA was waking me up in the Kissam Lobby at explained, “See, the previous hyper-thin deny. Fellow Sigma Nu [sorry, “Nu Soci- noon. I was like, "I live in Lupton, man." body image we promoted often resulted in ety”] member Chris Richter says he con- women starving themselves to death in sidered praising Mann’s girlfriend for the After this, all of the other writers and editors of The Slant access the website, read order to look like supermodels. And death rotundity of her rear, but thought better. “If the idea, and leave their suggestions. Occasionally these suggestions are helpful to the just does AWFUL things to the skin! Do I went after Nick’s girl, I’d just get writer... but often not. Instead, it usually turns out to be a forum for The Slant writers to you know how difficult it is to design burned,” said Richter. crack jokes and demean the writer of the idea. For example, these were the comments on clothes that perfectly match pasty white Freshman Christina Spears is dis- Stumbling Home: skin? And don’t get me started on how traught. “How will I meet guys now? I tough it is to get clothes on people with used to do it by working out at the rec. I Greg: A sad but true story. rigor mortis!” had the technique Andrew: Was this saturday... cuz I saw you at like 3am “So now we’re down perfectly. I Greg: Well Andrew, I have to protect the details of this story and can not risk offend- going for more of a “So now we’re would work out on ing some of my lady friends, so all I can say at this time is yes. ‘well-nourished’ the ellipticals and Liz: Gee, was it Friday? Because I could have sworn some kind girl walked you look,” said Armani. going for more of a throw some hot guy back to your dorm since you could hardly walk, but she didn't let you get near her. Or do you have a whole harem at Kissam? “It’s important to ‘well-nourished’ a glance that said, give the appearance ‘Hey big boy. Wanna Greg: Well no, it was Saturday, as I implied in my earlier comment, though I believe that you have eaten a look,” said Armani. get cardiovascular?’ I actually had a lot more fun with that girl on friday, though I wasn't actually trying to do meal in the last 24 It all was organized anything with her. That would have been the wrong thing to do with such a sweetheart. hours.” “It’s important to around that fact that I About the Kissam harem - it's a work in progress. The response give the appearance am thin! Now what Chancellor Gee: Greg, you really should learn to respect women. I treat each and here at Vanderbilt am I supposed to every one of my wives with the love and respect she deserves as a woman. has been mostly that you have eaten do…have a personal- Andrew: Yeah, but Greg, I saw you at like 3:00am with a freshman guy and talking to a frat boy. Where, pray tell are you manufacturing a girl out of this? positive. a meal in the last 24 ity?” “It’s about “On the other Greg: Fuck off, I hooked it up later. You know this, man, I am a pure playa. Do you time,” said Barbara hours.” hand, I’ll never again doubt my pimpin skillz? Freemyn, card-carry- have to drink the Tim: Surely the easiest way to find out which poor soul it was is to check the E.R. ing member of Vandy abomination that is admissions at the Medical Centre on Sunday morning for any blind girl suffering from Feminists. “The first step is complete! ‘lite’ beer,” Spears conceded. post-traumatic stress disorder? Now we have to force men to wear panty- One observer, junior Joshua Samuels, Greg: Tim, don't you have to pass some sort of spelling test to get into this country? hose and take them out from any position offers a unique perspective. Go back to Britain... ass. of leadership. A man’s place is in the “You know, I’ve encountered many a Chris: Damn, I didn't know you were into women, I thought you were gay. kitchen. Assuming he lives in a dorm with beautiful woman in my time who also hap- Greg: I'm definitely not putting that in, you asshole. a kitchen. Otherwise his place is….I pened to be a horrible human being and dunno….Peabody, I guess.” many ‘ugly’ people have been good, lov- After the idea has been submitted, and the staff writers and editors have provided the Sophmore Hal Larson explained ing people,” said Samuels. “Even empha- writer with the inspiration, encouragement, or, in this case, humiliation necessary, the things from the male standpoint: “I think sizing a healthy human body is still focus- idea either gets expanded into a draft, turned into an "Other News" item, or completely it’s a positive move. We men have had ing on the body. Why should outward neglected. In this case, the editors chose to get drunk and throw things off of high rise unrealistic expectations about women for appearance matter at all? Shouldn’t we…I buildings just to watch the splatter. The idea then dies a gruesome death, and the writer, too…OH MY GOD, look at the rack on don’t know, look at the heart?” Greg Champoux in this case, is left with the options of cursing out the editors, crying that chick! Those could feed a small nation The entire fashion community looked himself to sleep, or vomiting watermelon all over my bathroom. He obviously chose (d). of babies! You KNOW she wants some of at Samuels with a collective expression of All of the above. this! HEY HOT MOMMA!” incredulity, then simultaneously respond- Never fear though, kids, for an idea never dies. Rather it gets buried in the immense The new look does have its critics, ed, “hahahahahahahaha!” pile of rejected ideas where, perhaps someday, a kind soul will discover it and find a way including popular designer Bob Gap. to make it both funny and printable. Until that day, children... until that day.

NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET 9 slant features Bush Carves Up Turkey For Thanksgiving Russia given 'long-awaited' over Constantinople in return for their at only being given the islands of the Dard- dare they not invite us," said head of state agreement to back US military action in anelles, but it was explained to them that Hu Jintao. "If America thinks it can get warm water port Iraq. A clearly emotional Russian President Greek-Americans tend to vote Democrat away with this, it has another thing coming." told reporters the following day, "The anyway, and so they should be grateful for Asked about Hu’s statement, President Bush By TIM BOYD process of Russian historical evolution has anything they got. Bulgaria was given vast snorted, "Ha! Want to bet?" China dismissed come to an end. For centuries, we have been swathes of central Turkey for no good rea- this comment, saying it already controlled In a misunderstanding of potentially struggling to secure access to a warm water son, but, said Bush, "What the hell, it’s Tibet. world-changing proportions, President Bush port – it has been the Thanksgiving!" France When asked why no one had tried to has given the go-ahead for Turkish territo- driving force of histo- was invited simply to stop the President, aides said they did not ries to be handed out to America’s close ry – this has been at It is traditional for be told to that it would realize anything unusual was happening. "It allies in the Near the root of conflicts, the President to receive nothing. all seemed perfectly normal," said Oval East. A White House famines, genocides Britain and China, Office door-keeper John Sherman. "When spokesman says that and the assassination formally 'carve up the other two perma- the President told us that there was 'China the President was told of JFK, but now we Turkey' during the nent members of the trouble,' we thought he meant that there was last week by an aide are finally free as a UN Security Council, something wrong with the crockery. Then he that it is traditional people, free to live our holidays as part of had mixed reactions. told us that there was 'a problem with for the President to lives as we have long the official Prime Minister Tony Greece,' we thought he meant the meat was formally 'carve up wished." A spokesman Blair supported the too oily. And when he asked us if we knew Turkey' during the clarified that this did Thanksgiving President's actions: "It where the Kurds were, we thought he meant holidays as part of not apply to the mil- celebrations is the duty of this curds – we had no idea he was signing over President Bush the official Thanks- lions of impoverished country to stand shoul- an entire ethnic group to the Syrians. It was giving celebrations. peasants, economical- der to shoulder with only when we got a desperate phone-call The danger of not providing a full brief- ly ravaged cities, Chechen rebels, reac- President Bush, no matter how insane, dan- from a hysterical Turkish ambassador that ing on this matter soon became apparent. tionaries or anyone who didn't know the gerous or downright idiotic his actions are. we realized what had happened." Bush personally placed invitations to the Putins personally. But for everyone else, it Through blind, unflinching, sycophantic There was further bad news for the Ambassadors from Russia, Greece, Syria, was true. loyalty, we will ensure Britain has a role to White House when it was announced that its Bulgaria and France to join him for Thanks- Syria was granted the Kurdish home- play in the world." It is understood that entire Turkey supply for Thanksgiving and giving dinner, and then used the occasion to lands of Eastern Turkey as a sign of grati- more and more starch is required for Mr. Christmas has disappeared. As of today, assign portions of Turkey to each of them. tude for making the UN Iraq resolution Blair's shirts to keep him upright. Attorney General John Ashcroft has refused The Russians were granted full control unanimous. Greece was said to be unhappy China, by contrast, was furious. "How to rule out fowl play.

Where Is Jesse Jackson? Oh Brother Where Art Why he's letting this opportunity slip really raise some hell and get people through his fingers, I don't know. Some- hating each other again. Thou? body ought to remind him that you only Now I know you're probably thinking live once. I know Jesse is not doing any- that if Jesse turned this problem into a Seriously, everyone, where is Jesse thing now. If he were, he would be on the huge debate then that wouldn't solve any- Jackson? During the debates and problems news daily and we would be informed thing and we could probably make every- our university is having about Confederate about how this or that restaurant or store one happy without him here. But just Hall, why in the hell hasn't Jesse Jackson is racist. Don't you miss those times when think, if he were to come, his presence shown up? Have you ever thought about anyone or anything could be labeled as would sure bring a circus-like atmosphere. that? He really should get his act together racist? Michael Jackson is not doing a I'm sorry, but that sense of misdirected if he expects to good enough job. hatred and excitement just isn't here for keep up his stellar We need Jesse to turn this minor this problem. record. disagreement over the naming of a Maybe Jesse does have decent views The man is building into a big national debate over and is a smart man but there are many missing out on a racism. This seems like something he people like that here who could quietly lot of good oppor- would normally get involved in. I mean, and peacefully explain one side of the tunities to get some a few kids got in trouble for fighting story using simple logic. Only Jesse can quality TV time. and he turned that into a huge battle turn the ideas people have into a big burst Vanderbilt is a over racism in disciplinary actions. We of angry emotion. As of now, it's just bor- large and presti- have all the ingredients right here, an ing. I haven't even seen any Molotov gious enough uni- only slightly diverse campus in the cocktails thrown yet. Jackson versity to attract South, a topic that can be perceived as So Jesse, if you are out there, come to some cameras - even if we just use our racism with ease, a very arguable histo- Vanderbilt University. We want you here home camcorders. And there's always ry claim - all we're missing is the Rev- even if it's just for shits and giggles. VTV. Jesse has always loved TV time. erend to act as the catalyst. He could

10 NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET slant features This Will Be The Best Thanksgiving Ever! There's nothing like giving love Mr. Martin – it’s so fun when we joke year he stayed in Pittsburgh with his girl- to cry, probably because the scene is just so around and he gives me nicknames. friend Lara, who my mom says gets around darn touching. After a while, Mr. Martin thanks with your loving family Next my cousins arrive, and we all go more than a car on a racetrack, which I tells Grandma Linda to "Get a room, you old out in the backyard to play football. I know guess means that she's really busy. slut bag!" and whacks the two of them with Gosh, this is going to be the best it’s not nice to say, especially since they’re After dinner, we usually all sit in the his cane. That crazy Mr. Martin! Thanksgiving ever! I can just feel it. my cousins, but they’re pretty lousy at foot- living room and drink cider (non-alcoholic All too soon, the family fun and good Don’t get me wrong – last year’s Thanks- ball. Every time they throw the ball to me it for me!) and gaze into the nice warm fire as times are over, and Dad is dropping me giving was awesome, and so was the year always seems to hit me in the testicles, my mom tosses in pictures of Josh. My sis- twelve hours early for the 7 a.m. Greyhound before that and the year before that one. which, gosh, can really hurt a lot. We usual- ter comes out of the bathroom and curls up back to Nashville. There's no such thing as It’s just that I’m getting so darned excited ly do this for about an hour, until they’re on the floor shivering, and Grandma Linda being too early! I can only hope that this about sitting around the table with my just falling down with the giggles, I guess (on my mom's side, just so you know) and year's Thanksgiving is just as wonderful - family and expressing everything that I’m because they’re embarrassed about their her new husband Esteban start rolling and even better - than last year's! And to thankful for. throwing. Then I go inside and sit on a bag around and making out on the couch. Isn't it think that after that, Christmas is only a few If this year is anything like all of the of frozen peas. sweet that the elderly can still find young calendar boxes away! It's enough to make a other great Thanksgivings we’ve had, the Finally, it will be time for Thanksgiving love? Then my mom goes back to the pantry boy downright tingly. traditions will be somewhat the same. First, dinner, which all of us will have been wait- I’ll get up and run down the stairs to the ing for. My Uncle Rick usually says grace, sweet smell of turkey roasting in the oven since he used to be a Catholic priest before and Mom’s cigarettes as she sits in the “the incident,” whatever that was. Gosh, I pantry and cries. She’ll usually stay in love it when he and his wife Mary come to there all day making sure that the whiskey visit, especially since she’s only two years for the “grown up” cider is perfect, just older than me. Then my dad carves the crying up a storm. I think it’s because she’s turkey, and after telling my mom that she’s so happy that we’re all together as a family “a lazy cow” for not sharpening the knives to give thanks – wouldn’t you cry out of (I guess everyone has nicknames for each happiness too? other!), everyone starts eating. My sister Then I sit down to watch the Macy’s Janie, who’s a year older than me, usually Thanksgiving Day parade. I love those only takes a few bites, and then runs to the giant balloons! Grandpa (or as he likes me bathroom and stays there for a long time. to call him, Mr. Martin – he says he’d pre- She wants to be a model when she grows up, fer not get too familiar, which I guess and she’s really pretty. It’s just too bad about means that he’s old-fashioned) will sit in her hair falling out; hopefully those pills she his chair and poke me with his cane, call- bought will make her better! ing me “Nancy-Boy” when I clap my The only thing that was missing from A good, wholesome Thanksgiving Dinner with family. hands out of delight when the Snoopy bal- dinner last year, and that will be missing Staff Photo loon comes bobbing down the street. I again this year, is my big brother Josh. Last

told her what a responsible little person I she keeps narrowly averting the disasters I puter when she was down in the lobby My RA is a was. Of course I’m responsible! Shit, I sup- plan for her. Sneaky little bitch. The eleva- explaining to the Chinese food delivery ply the entire hall with alcohol—do you tor shaft would have been perfect! I’ve guy why no one had come to pay for the know what kind of responsibility that already cursed her and all she holds dear. forty orders of chop suey. Nasty Bitch involves? If I get caught, nobody gets to What else is there to do? And this one time some friends and I drink. So not only would I saw her boyfriend were partying in my room and she knocked I haven't seen her in a few my life be ruined, sneaking out of her on the door to tell us we needed to “tone it twenty other people room the other morn- down a little bit” because it was quiet weeks, perhaps she's dead wouldn’t get to party! I wonder if her Ethics ing and I asked him hours! What the hell! Not “I know you’re Maybe my RA is mad what happened to snorting coke off the section of the bath- Do you think I would get an A on that because I never get professor got the nasty what's-his-name who room mirror that mysteriously went miss- Comparative Politics paper I never turned her anything on beer e-mail I sent him from was there the night ing,” or “No male strippers after ten p.m.” in if I tell my teacher my RA’s gone to the runs. But I don’t her computer when she before that. He didn’t or “You really shouldn’t drink everclear by great big dorm in the sky? know what she would was down in the lobby like the insinuation the liter, it doesn’t fulfill your daily water Sometimes I leave thinly-veiled insults like. Probably gin. very much, but I was requirement!” Just “Tone it down!” What on the dry-erase board on her door. Things She looks like the sort too busy eating her the hell! I wouldn’t trust her to find her like “Have a nice day, bitch.” I don’t think of person who would leftover pizza from the butt with a flashlight! she minds being called a bitch because she take swigs of gin and sit and glare at you box marked “Do not eat this!” in the refrig- I think I might have blown smoke into certainly doesn’t mind acting like one. I with those weasely little eyes. erator downstairs. her face once. But I could have just been think she still resents me because my moth- So far, my voodoo hasn’t been work- I wonder if her Ethics professor got looking at my KISS poster. The resem- er hunted her down on move-in day and ing, but I guess I’ll keep trying. Somehow the nasty e-mail I sent him from her com- blance is kind of creepy.

NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET 11 back page

Top Ten Most Wanted Women's Ask A Student Health Doctor Dear a Doctor at Student Health, Doc, Studies Classes For Next Semester My stomach has been getting increasingly I seem to have contracted some sort of ill- 10. Women's Studies 101 larger, I have been getting sick in the morn- ness. Recently I have moved into a new Cookery: The Stovetop Arts ings, and I am having the strangest cravings sewer which seems to be plagued with 9. Women's Studies 150 for food. Does it have anything to do with rats. Just the other day I found a lump all the unprotected sex I've been having? under my armpit, today I have these black Sewing (Prerequisite: Spinning) Pregnant in Peabody lumps all over my body, and I have 8. Women's Studies 112W become increasingly sickly feeling. I can't Standing By Your Man Dear Peabody, afford to purchase extra strength Tylenol (I 7. Women's Studies 201 The symptoms you are displaying are typi- do, after all, live in a sewer), and the nor- Home Economics: Credit Card cal of a broken arm. We'll just put you in a mal strength variety simply isn't helping. Spending sling for three weeks and give you some What should I do? 6. Women's Studies 282 painkillers. Also, you should drink lots and Bubonic in Barnard Faking Orgasms lots of alcohol and get into as many boxing 5. Women's Studies 187 matches as you possibly can. Oh, and also Dear Bubonic, Pornography and Prostitution: smoke a lot. I believe I may just know what you have A Doctor in the Student Health Center come down with. The black lumps and grad- Women In History ual dying all lead to one thing: carpal tunnel 4. Women's Studies 231 Dear Doctor, syndrome. What you need to do is get more The Joys of Daytime Television Every time I see a girl I am attracted to, I calcium and stop typing on your computer 3. Women's Studies 210 get swellings in funny places. My mother until you have built up your strength. If this Child Care says it's because I'm a sick, sick boy, so I doesn't immediately yield results, you 2. Women's Studies 115W figure a doctor should be able to help me. should go to a physical therapist. You also Images of Successful Men What should I do? may have tennis elbow, so I would advise 1. Women's Studies 175 Lustful in Lupton you to take a week or two off from going to Vacuuming And Other Suction Techniques. the country club. Dear Lustful, A Doctor in the Student Health Center What you have here is a classic case of spinal meningitis. I think I read about it What's Up Doc, once in Reader's Digest or Vogue or some- I've been feeling odd lately. My heart has thing. We have no idea how to cure this, so stopped beating and I'm really starting to you will probably die. Hope this helps. smell. I think some of the skin on my arm is It's Coming...... A Doctor in the Student Health Center starting to decompose, and I have no blood pressure. I can't breathe and I've been lying Hey Doc, completely still for several days. Worms are I was bitten by a raccoon the other day, and even gnawing at my brain and loose organs. now I'm foaming at the mouth and attacking Is there something wrong with me? Tonguencheek's my friends. Also, when somebody rubs my Dead in Dyer belly my hind leg spasms like I'm trying to scratch an itch. Any idea what's going on? Dear Dead, Foaming in Furman Don't worry, what you have is nothing seri- ous. I suspect you just have a bit of a head Dear Furman, cold, or in the worst case, mild allergies. Do Big Ass Show You seem to have a bit of the cough that has you find yourself sneezing around cats or in been going around campus. I'd advise you to heavily wooded areas? You can easily cure come in, wait for a half hour, go into a small this by going to an allergist and we can give room with a nurse who will weigh you, take you your allergy shots on a weekly basis. your blood pressure, and your temperature. Oh, and on a personal note, don't be so After this, the best thing you could do melodramatic. It's just a bit of the sniffles - Saturday would be to go back to the waiting room, I'm not giving you a note. wait for an hour, come into the small room A Doctor in the Student Health Center with me where I will not even look at what DECEMBER 7th at 4:25 p.m. the previous nurse has written down, put a Ask A Student Health Doctor is a nationally stethoscope on your back, tell you to syndicated advice column appearing in over SARRATT CINEMA breathe, tell you to cough, think for about 1000 publications in North America. To ask three seconds, then let you know you have a The Doctor questions, email him at doc- cough or something. Other than this, I can [email protected]. Improv Comedy like you've never seen...unless you've been to our shows really offer no help except to tell you that you should come back in a week if you Questions may be edited for length and aren't feeling any better. clarity. A Doctor in the Student Health Center