November 20, 2002 Slant.Qxd
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November 20, 2002 - Volume 3, Issue 7 - www.theslant.net - FREE every other Wednesday INSIDE THIS ISSUE 21st Birthday Celebrated With Cake, Ice Cream Vanderbilt To Construct Bridge Between Greek Row And Branscomb Quad Cheerleaders Suffering From Chronic Depression America'sAmerica's UnderclassUnderclass CelebratesCelebrates RepublicanRepublican TriumphTriumph By Tim Boyd slant features in other news Frat Brother Forcibly Fondles Self dent. "Besides, we need an outlet for Supreme Court Strikes Down A brother at an unnamed 'Celebrity Fear Factor' reruns and unaired Continued Validity Of All Your fraternity was reported to episodes of 'Union Station,'" one of the Base Jokes have forcibly fondled many failed post-Friends programs of the In a 7-2 vote, the himself earlier in the past decade. Supreme Court week. Commenting on voted in favor of allegations of the self- Movie Fan Eagerly Awaits Nashville the prosection in harrassment, the fraterni- Premiere the landmark ty member said, "Unlike Film buff Michael case of The Peo- SOME people, when no Bryant is looking for- ple vs. All Your girls want to have sex with me, I mastur- ward to the Nashville Base Are Belong To Us. Chief Justice bate. But when I can't get MYSELF to have premiere of new movie William Rehnquist stated in his opinion, sex with me, then I take matters into my Frida, starring actress "It's just not funny anymore, and the Consti- own hands, so to speak. Besides, did you see Salma Hayek. "It's the tution clearly states that anyone who makes the codpiece I was wearing? I was asking inspirational story of a bad jokes should be extradited to some- for it." young Mexican woman where cold." Clarence Thomas, one of the who uses art to over- dissenting justices, said in his opinion, Bush Celebrates Random Acts of come a crippling accident in her youth," said "What you say?" and then fell over giggling. Kindness Week With Random Acts Bryant. "She also gets naked on screen." of Violence The film has earned praise for its dazzling Umpire Purchases Eyeglasses In commemora- and inventive artistic technique, as well as Umpire Robert tion of Random "a hot lesbo scene" featuring Ms. Hayek and Fitzgerald finally Acts Of Kindness waifish co-star Saffron Burrows. complied with Week, President fans longstanding Bush decided to Everything In Frats 'Hunky-Dory' requests Saturday donate several IFC President and purchased tons of active plu- Neal Cope insists eyeglasses. The tonium to Iraq, that things have following week, Fitzgerald also took a hike, extending an been "hunky- and went and fucked himself. Sadly, Fitzger- olive branch by dory" and "just ald still botched several calls at the next helping them in their long struggle to peachy" as of late game, despite his strict regimen of glasses- achieve nuclear strike capabilities. Saddam in the greek wearing, hiking, and masturbation. Hussein reportedly thanked Bush, saying, world. "There have been no problems worth "You are so stupid. You have surely caused mentioning," he said. When asked about the Target Diversity Finally Reached your civilization's destruction. Nevertheless, recent allegations of attempted rape, Cope Late Monday, Sophomore Janet Smith we appreciate the thought." plugged his ears, shut his eyes and said "La, responded to a friend's reference to "that la, la, la... I can't HEAR YOU!" black guy," with the question, "which black Army Recruit Upset That Boot guy?" thereby proving Vanderbilt has ful- Camp Didn't Have As Much To Do Beer Can Stack Dangerously Close filled its diversity quota. Chancellor Gee With Boots As He Expected to Toppling Over responded to the comment, "I think it is Recent Army recruit Edward Woodmont's stack of beer cans in wonderful that multiple African-Americans Mike Phillips was his Lewis apartment is apparently grow- can be found in a single place on campus. reportedly dejected ing so large as to be threatening both his We are obviously accomplishing our goals." after his first several PS2 and CD collection. Though experts days of boot camp, are unsure which way the stack may fall, Harry Potter Makes It Through asking if it would be the risk to the PS2 has been upgraded to New Harry Potter Movie "alright" if he just Defcon 3. It was reported went home. Appar- that protagonist ently, Phillips signed Corporate Rock Still Sucks Harry Potter sur- up with the Army because he thought Boot According to one prisingly makes it Camp would be a several week intensive area t-shirt seen through new shoe-making seminar. Said Phillips, "All I at a concert movie Harry Pot- ever wanted in life was to cobble shoes." recently, corpo- ter And The rate rock still has Chamber Of Must Fuck-Up TV not stopped suck- Secrets without The National Broadcasting Company ing. T-shirt wear- dying. Unfortunately, the same cannot be bought the Bravo television network from er Jack Rickman said for Richard Harris, the actor playing the Cablevision for $1.25 billion in an effort to agreed, saying, character of Headmaster Dumbledore. fuck up the only station with quality arts "The radio sucks, too. And so does the entire Sources say that in the third and fourth programming. "I just thought those guys fast food industry." movies, Harry Potter will also not die. were way too pretentious," said NBC Presi- inside this issue slant features America's Underclass 55 Celebrates Republican Triumph LeadLead SStoriestories 6 21st Birthday Celebrating another year with cake and ice cream FeaturedFeatured thisthis issueissue 6 A Havard Reject From The Shaman 4 VU Student still pissed he was not good Fortnightly Image 4 enough for the Vanderbilt of the North Dining Fails Inspection 6 New Greek Row Bridge 7 7 VU Cheerleaders Depressed GEICO Marketing Suit 8 It is tough to keep your head Lucky Breaks Down 8 up when your team only loses Thin Is Out 9 9 Inside The Slant Bush Carves Turkey 10 Where's Jesse? 10 Have a look at the magic behind the laughter The Best Thanksgiving 11 My Bitch RA 11 Ask A Student Health Doc 12 Top Ten List 12 I think you just need some more blue pills NOVEMBER 20, 2002 - WWW.THESLANT.NET 3 The Slant FROM THE SHAMAN I had an experience last Saturday Safer Than Rand Since 1886 310 West Side Row I would like to share with you all… Suite 200L Nashville, TN 37235 Fax 615-343-2756 website www.theslant.net LITTLE WHILE AGO, I PROMISED A FRIEND I DAVID BARZELAY Staff WOULD PUT "SOMETHING NICE" IN THE Shaman-in-Chief David Barzelay rustle of the wind in the trees, blanketed Managing Editor Brad Ploeger SLANT. WELL, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT AS by a contentedness so full and profound Ad Sales Manager Rob Hilton NICE AND POSITIVE AS IT COULD GET, Editors that I think I’ll never again be able to see Dave Biller Robert Saunders and the rest of the staff just leaves blowing, or feel a wind on my face, without reliving that Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead laughs at me for it anyway, so same elation. Copy Editors Melanie Siemens Audrey Peters perhaps it is fairly funny. Let As long as there are moments like that, how can one ever be Contributing Writers me tell you all about an experi- sad? I see something like that almost daily, although I don’t Evan Alston Andrew Banecker ence I had last week, and I usually recognize it so fully. In this life, we are Julia Bensfield Tim Boyd Laura Carlson Greg Champoux assure you there's no sarcasm so bombarded with beauty and Diabetus Chris Entzminger here. And no, I wasn't high. with joy that we become numb Adila Faruk Meredith Gray ALast Saturday night, I came out of attending a Vanderbilt Uni- to it and fail to acknowledge it, Peter Grant Jacob Grier Richard Green Sean Kelley versity Theater play, and I was standing outside the theater talking focusing on the pain. Life to me is Michael Leaming Howard Lee to a few friends. At one point, I turned around for some reason, and an overwhelming, constant sense of joy Kate Loveless Zach Norton just as I turned, the wind started blowing. All of the golden leaves and elation. No matter what pain or sorrow is Ankit Maheshwari Stephanie Schacht Eric Schnapp Beth Steedley lying under a big maple started blowing, swirling, cascading along present, there exists always this joy. I could Liz Vennum Judson Wallace the ground. The volume and speed of the leaves was incredible, and endure years of pain for one moment of Layout Designer Heather Miliman I just stood there watching, mesmerized, for about a minute, until pleasure as pure as I felt last night. Advertising Sales Chris Barbour Keith Leeman the wind died down. It was so beautiful, and filled me with such I want everyone to know that I Past Editors joy, that after standing for a while longer with my friends, smiling love you deeply, and see in each Joe Wong Mike Mott in bliss and no longer listening to their conversation, I just took off of you wonderful things wor- Other running. thy of appreciation, admira- Submissions I ran back to my dorm, and jumped up onto the picnic table tion, and emulation. Thank Editorial submissions are accepted from our outside. I was so full of life, so bursting with elation that I spent the you all for being a part readers; The Slant cannot guarantee the return rest of the night trying to tell all of my friends about it. Finally an of this amazing, of any submission, nor can The Slant guarantee a response to any submissions.