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Four Loko? There Were None at All

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Four Loko? There Were None at All AILY BUL D The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like lolections! L Thursday, November 4, 2010 A Long Time Ago in a Band Room Far, Far Away “A little government and a little By Cameron Long ~ Daily Bull luck are necessary in life, but Pic o’ the Day! only a fool trusts either of them.” Once upon a time, the Bones were and subjected it to all manner of -P. J. O’Rourke invented. This happened shortly after tortures (unexpected, not unlike the Four Loko? there were none at all. People marveled Spanish Inquisition): they cut it in half, at its elegant simplicity, its tone that was crudely welded valves into the middle More like F!ck in turns strik- and its slide Loko ingly beauti- shut, and ful and pierc- proceeded From Alec Hamer ~ Daily Bull ingly kickass, t o b e n d Ever hear of Four Loko? it’s sheer ba- the bastard Yes, the Four Loko that gets dassitude, instrument you “really fucked up.” You and the fact into a rather know, the one in the brightly t h a t g e n - small and colored can that advertises erations of ugly shape. “12.0 percent by alcohol by brass players volume” right on the can? could now I t w a s yell, “Look at d u b b e d If not, Four Loko is an alco- the size of the “trum- holic beverage/energy drink that has just come under my Bone!” p e t ” a n d ever increasing scrutiny for to distract then quickly reported consequences o p p o s i n g shor tened upon consumption of the free-throw to “rumpet” malt beverage. Four Loko is s h o o t e r s . Meanwhile, the tubas left the whole mess alone to go because re- The Bones work on experimental army tactics involving tubas, moving one 12.0% ABV, comes in a 23.5 rockets, goats, and George Clooney. e n j o y e d letter makes ounce can and costs around WHOAH. It’s like a septuple camera. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? $2.50. But stop! Before many years of prosperity, playing the things cool. These few original trumpet you run out the door to buy best music anyone had ever heard. players inexplicably became popular some, make sure you under- and multiplied, turning untold numbers stand something first. Within One day, however, a faction of Bones of prospective brass players to the Dark one can is the caffeine of decided they would be jerks and that Side, telling them, “Resistance is futile.” around two cups of coffee the trombone did not represent the Yes, that was a Star Wars reference and the alcohol content of pinnacle of musical engineering. These and a Star Trek reference in the same six light beers. heathens accosted a poor trombone sentence. The trumpets spread their ...see Band of Brothers on back On top of that, one can con- tains more calories than a Big Mac. That’s a lot of shit to California (San Fransisco) has banned Happy. Meals, that is. ...see El Beero Loco on back ... El Beero Loco from front The 21st Century “Jack” By Bill Melcher ~ Daily Bull consume from just one can, in my able levels. She gave me the stare And she play’d ‘em hard She’s got the Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap, opinion. I mean, you have the caffeine, She said “baby come here” She could close her eyes Clap, Clap, Clap sugar, and alcohol all in one spot. I Four Loko, or “blackout in a can”, on She was wheelin’ and dealin’ And know you were hard She’s got the Clap, Ooh, was a bad say put a fil- the other Just doin’ her thing But how was I to know idea, Clap ter on it and hand, is an I was eyein’ her pair That she’d been ruffled before She gave me the Clap, hey smoke it! It’s e f f e c t i v e and I had to try Said she’d never had a disease test She’s got the Clap, She’s got the Clap, the Ameri- means to an Her dance was wild But I should have known She’s got the Clap can way. end… of and my ass was high Ooh, can’t ya smell? It really is your night!! But how was I to know That we both were comin’ She’s got the Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap, t h o u g h . The way That she’d been around before all up in the sack Clap, Clap, Clap Think of it goes, as Said she’d never used a condom And if I’d known what she was dealin’ Doctor’s office, prescription of pills America, a many mixed But I should have known out She’s got the Clap, She’s got the Clap From the tattoo on her left leg I’d have pulled it back She’s got the Clap, and it burns! place where drinks go, It was of a big ruler She’s got the Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap, if it’s good it is fast and With marks and names up and down it She’s got the Clap (x2) Clap, Clap, Clap can only be hard. Mean- Of guests from the past She’s got the Clap, And who knows She’s got the Clap better in ev- ing you what else? AAAAAAAAAAAAH!! er-increasing can hit the She’s got the Clap (x8) She’s got the Clap, yeah, yeah (Oooooh) quantities. sauce fast She’s got the Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap, That’s why, and hard, Clap, Clap, Clap not only the but then you The Troupe Presents: HUCK HARBENEAU She’s got the Clap C C Friday creation of tend to crash Come and learn to improv(e) Nov. 5 such a bev- and burn. Poker face was her song your skits, skills, and life! erage but It’s quite Poke in bed was her nature the over beautiful re- Playin’ straight was her game Chuck is a Troupe Alum who 7-10 P c o n s u m p - ally. Always has been teaching improv and she knew she could get you tion of it wanted to She play’d ‘em fast since 1991. He’ll be here TOMORROW. ROTC doesn’t seem to shock me too much. puke during chemistry? Slam a Four Gym Loko. Need to get out of jury duty? FREE ADMISSION! (Rm 4) Ever since college was invented Slam one! Who knew excuses came drinking and overdrinking have al- so cheap at $2.50 a can? Daily Bull BE TH ERE ! ...or else ways been an issue. Fortunately beer EDITOR IN CHIEF ROCKET GRUNT BREAD WINNER Liz Fujita Jon “Big O” Mahan Simon Mused ... Band of Brothers from front is usually the drink of choice. Sure it Unfortunately, so do consequences. FACULTY MONOPOLY GUY SCRIBE founding principles throughout the be really cool if they set their instru- will get you drunk, but death is pretty Lost or stolen property? A night in ADVISOR Alec Hamer Stephen Whittaker David 32-bit Olson earth: egotism, erotic asphyxiation, ments on fire! Fortunately, many of easily avoided. There’s no caffeine, jail? Unwanted pregnancy? All yours Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks, Simon Mused, Jon “Big-O” and the idea that higher = better them died after trying to get all the and alcohol levels are kept at reason- and more, thanks to Four Loko. Mahan, Alec Hamer, John Pastore, Matt Villa, Mary Kennedy, Ruben Garcia, Benjamin Loucks, Lauren Allen, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall, under all circumstances. Thousands way through Bohemian Rhapsody Sandra Custer, Frank McGuire, Mike Cardwell, Bryne Judy, Jeremy Moore, Bill Melcher, John Earnest, Kyle Roe, Cameron Long, Olivia of composers agreed, feeling that their with blazing instruments stuck to Zajac, and surfer dudes. ©2010 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. scores had a distinct lack of beehive their faces. Realizing that a Bone can Fruit’s Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest noise. Trumpets were then written do anything a rumpet can, only bet- articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on Final Fantasy paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works into most pieces of music. Puke. ter, the legendary flame bone was printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future formed out of a trombone and total issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll get free food! Yum! Even while riding this wave of new- awesomeness by a man named Lee. The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for found acceptance, they realized that buying our own damn printer that this publication is printed on. We would also like to thank the Stu- they had some serious catching up Some say that if you go watch the dent Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper to do in the coolness department.
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