2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues 2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues Edited by Lawrence Harbison Smith and Kraus Publishers 2016 2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues © 2016 by Smith & Kraus Inc. CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays represented in this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the Brit- ish Commonwealth), The Berne Convention, the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention as well as all countries with which the United States has recipro- cal copyright relations. All rights, including professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information storage and retrieval systems and photo- copying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. All rights reserved. ISBN: 1-57525-907-9 ISBN: 978-1-57525-907-9 ISSN: 2329-2695 Typesetting and layout by Elizabeth Monteleone Cover Design: Olivia Monteleone A Smith and Kraus book 177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755 Editorial 603.643.6431 To Order 1.877.668.8680 www.smithandkraus.com Printed in the United States of America 4 2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues Table of Contents Foreword 11 Lawrence Harbison The Art Of Bad Men (2) 13 Vincent Delaney Because Me (2) 16 Max Baker Breach 20 Tom Baum Broken 22 David Meyers Charles Francis Chan Jr’s Exotic 24 Oriental Murder Mystery Lloyd Suh Closure 26 Richard Dresser Composure (3) 28 Scott Sickles Consider The Ficus 34 Audrey Cefaly Curse Of The Wolf Man 35 Don Nigro The Cuban Spring 37 Vanessa Garcia Dido Of Idaho 39 Abby Rosebrock Dostoyevski (5) 41 Don Nigro Dream Of A Deer At Dusk 51 Adam Kraar Lawrence Harbison 5 Everything’s Free! 53 Sam Graber Eyes Shut Door Open (4) 55 Cassie M Seinuk Fade 62 Tanya Saracho Faith 64 James McLindon The Feast 66 Celine Song Five Times In One Night 68 Chiara Atik For The Loyal 70 Lee Blessing The Ghosts Of Us 72 Rebecca Gorman O’Neill The Goddess Of Murderous Rain 74 Don Nigro The Grass Is Greenest 76 At the Houston Astrodome (2) Michael Ross Albert Graveyard Of Empires (2) 80 Elaine Romero The Head Hunter 83 Mark Borkowski Her Brother’s Keeper 85 Laura Hirschberg How To Get Into Buildings (2) 87 Trish Harnetiaux I Am Not An Allegory 90 Libby Emmons I Could Never Live Here 92 C.S. Hanson I Love You, Man 94 Audrey Cefaly James Dean And The Devil 96 Rosary Hartel O’Neill Kentucky (2) 97 Leah Tanako Winkler 6 2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues Kissed The Girls And Made Them Cry 99 Arlene Hutton L.A. Deli 100 Sam Bobrick Le Switch 101 Philip Dawkins Leveling Up 102 Deborah Zoe Laufer Lights Rise On Grace 104 Chad Beckim The Lorelei (2) 106 Don Nigro Lottery Play 110 Sam Graber Lunch With Mrs Baskin 112 Sam Bobrick Mutt 114 Christopher Chen Need To Know 116 Jonathan Caren New Country 118 Mark Roberts Night Of The Living Dead 120 Ron Riekki One In The Chamber 122 Marja-Lewis Ryan The Other Thing (2) 123 Emily Schwend Paris At Dawn 127 Eric Grant A Place That Looks Like Davenport 129 Paul Lewis Reichenbach Falls (2) 131 Don Nigro Right Brutal (3) 135 Max Baker Romeo Chang (2) 140 Barbara Blumenthal-Ehrlich Lawrence Harbison 7 77% 144 Rinne Groff Settling The Score 146 Roy Proctor Skeleton Crew 148 Dominique Morisseau Something Truly Monstrous 150 Jeff Tabnick Start Down 152 Eleanor Burgess A Step Beyond The Rain (2) 154 Merridith Allen Steve (2) 158 Mark Gerrard The Substance Of Bliss (2) 162 Tony Glazer Teenie 166 Nicholas Priore Things Being What They Are (2) 168 Wendy MacLeod This Is A Test 172 Barry Ernst Threesome (2) 174 Yussef El Guindi The Triumphant Return Of Blackbird Flynt 177 Peter Ullian Turn 22 180 Nicholas Priore Turquoise (2) 182 Deb Margolin 2 Very Dangerous People 186 Sharing 1 Small Space Joshua James The Underpants Godot (2) 188 Duncan Pflaster Urine Trouble Now 192 Daniel Guyton 8 2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues The Wakefield Stories 193 Laurence Carr Wide Awake Hearts (2) 195 Brendan Gall World Builders 199 Johnna Adams You Got Older 201 Clare Barron Rights and Permissions 203 Lawrence Harbison 9 Foreword Here you will find a rich and varied selection of mono- logues for men from plays which were produced and/or published in the 2015-2016 theatrical season. Many are for younger performers (teens through 30s) but there are also some excellent pieces for older guys as well. Some are comic (laughs), some are dramatic (generally, no laughs). Some are rather short, some are rather long. All represent the best in contemporary playwriting. Several of the monologues are by playwrights whose work may be familiar to you, such as Don Nigro, Lee Bless- ing, Mark Roberts, Sam Bobrick, Wendy MacLeod, Richard Dresser and Deborah Zoe Laufer; others are by exciting up-and-comers such as Max Baker, Emily Schwend, C.S. Hanson, Abby Rosebrock, Chiara Atik and Merridith Allen. Many of the plays from which these monologues have been culled have been published and, hence, are readily avail- able either from the publisher/licensor or from a theatrical book store such as the Drama Book Shop in New York. A few plays may not be published for a while, in which case contact the author or his agent to request a copy of the entire text of the play which contains the monologue which suits your fancy. Information on publishers/rights holders may be found in the Rights & Permissions section in the back of this anthology. Break a leg in that audition! Knock ‘em dead in class! Lawrence Harbison Lawrence Harbison 11 The Art Of Bad Men Vincent Delaney Dramatic Kurt, twenties Kurt was in the SS before he was captured and sent to a prisoner of war camp in Minnesota. Here, he tells Franz, a new arrival to the camp, what he has learned about the Americans as he tries to recruit him as a spy. KURT: You will have noticed the Negroes. They are used for menial tasks, such as stewards on trains. Many are actual- ly soldiers, however. They fight and die for their country, but are not allowed to eat in restaurants. I have seen this myself: in a train station, in St. Louis, the Germans were escorted into a restaurant, under guard. We sat at tables and ate, while civilians watched us. The Negro soldiers were sent out, into the kitchen, and were not allowed to eat. Their enemies were treated better than their own sol- diers. What do you suppose these Negroes thought when they saw this? You will have heard of lynching. This is a control method used by Americans, to keep the Negroes in place. Hundreds of them are hanged. For whistling at white women. For talking back. For making eye contact. This is why we will win the war. Americans are racists. You’ve got good blood, I can see that. Just by looking at you. We can still do our part, even as prisoners. I do not confide in every young man who arrives here. I select only a few, and even these must prove themselves. Your parents are both Aryans? It’s clear, I see it. There are traitors among us. Right here. They chat with the enemy, they tell lies, they give away secrets. I need to know who they are. What they say. Where they go. The Reich needs you to do a great service. You are a prisoner, but you can still serve your nation. Don’t answer now. There is time. Lawrence Harbison 13 Think about your country. That’s all I require now: think about your country. 14 2016 The Best Men’s Stage Monologues The Art Of Bad Men Vincent Delaney Dramatic Harvey, twenties Harvey, a guard at a prisoner of war camp in Min- nesota, has taken a German prisoner out for a beer. Here, he tells him why he’s spending the war with this duty, instead of fighting the Germans in Europe. HARVEY: It’s my balance. Something about my inner ear. I stumble, can’t always stay up straight. I fall asleep, I can’t help it. I’m not lazy, I just fall asleep. They were going to put me in a tank crew, that’s what my dad wanted. But the damn balance test. I was 4-F, working in a hospital, mopping the floor. My mom wouldn’t talk to me. We’re three generations military in my family. Great grandfather fought against Lincoln. We’re proud. So when I flunked out, it was, well, bad. Like I’m not a man. Like I’m not even in this family. Dad pulled some strings, got me reclassified. But they wouldn’t let me fight. Wouldn’t let me on the ship. This is the best I could do. God damn baby sitter. (Pause) I know what you think about us. I’m not dumb, I see it. Stupid Yanks. Dumb farmer boys. No education, no culture. And you, with your music and your opera and your languages. Philosophy lessons in the camp. How could you lose the war? You’re the master race.