Jerk Whisperer
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
The Jerk Whisperer How to deal with tyrants, tormentors, and bullies...and still keep your sanity! by Dr. Stephen Birchak, Ed.D. Royal Fireworks Press Unionville, New York “We can train ourselves to wake up every day and tell ourselves: there will be no crises today. It’s that simple. Most crises are in our heads, not in the real world. When you remove the imaginary crises from your life, you will find that you have a lot more time to give away your smiles, give away your hugs, see the best in others, solve problems, and relieve a little bit of the suffering in the world.” Nick Birchak 1984-2011 Son, and friend. Lover of life and laughter. He gave away all his smiles. He danced to every song. The world became a better place because of his years in it. This book is dedicated to his memory. Copyright © 2012, Royal Fireworks Publishing Co., Inc. All rights reserved. Royal Fireworks Press First Avenue, PO Box 399 Unionville, NY 10988-0399 (845) 726-4444 FAX: (845) 726-3824 email: [email protected] website: rfwp.com ISBN: 978-0-89824-372-7 Printed and bound in the United States of America using vegetable-based inks on acid-free, recycled paper and environmentally friendly cover coat- ings by the Royal Fireworks Printing Co. of Unionville, New York. Table of Contents Introduction ............................................................................ 1 Step One: Prepare Yourself for Change ............................... 3 Psychological diagnosis?......................................................3 We start with what we cultivate ........................................ 15 Letting go of insanity instead of letting it in ..................... 18 Step Two: Understand Your Reaction to Jerks ...................... 21 Do jerks really make us crazy? ......................................... 21 The six most common reactions to jerks ........................... 22 The Defensive Lineman .............................................. 26 The Doormat ............................................................... 29 The Simmering Stew ................................................... 32 The Commiserator ....................................................... 36 The Defeated ............................................................... 40 The Deer in the Headlights .......................................... 43 The long-term effect of jerks ............................................ 46 Ineffective living ............................................................... 47 Insanity .............................................................................. 50 Step Three: Understand Your Personal Obstacles ............ 53 The ten most paralyzing myths when dealing with jerks .................................................... 53 1. I tell it like it is, and people just can’t handle the truth! .................... 54 2. I’m right! Therefore, I’m righteous!....................... 56 3. There are “my rules” for life that must be followed! ............................................. 59 4. There’s nothing I can do about it! ........................... 61 5. I can’t help it! I’m passionate! ............................... 63 6. The problem with my life? Nobody loves me!....... 65 7. I couldn’t help it! I wasn’t myself .......................... 67 8. I’m just kidding! Lighten up and have a sense of humor! ................... 67 9. It’s a free country. I can say what I like! ................ 68 10. I was just giving them a taste of their own medicine! They deserved it! Besides, it’s the only thing that these people understand! ....................................... 70 Step Four: Embracing the Eight Habits of Thinking ....... 75 1. Find your flow ......................................................... 75 2. Be mindful ............................................................... 77 3. Get out of your own way. ........................................ 82 4. Don’t hate the hateful .............................................. 85 5. Be in control—but not a controller ......................... 86 6. Be a role model, not a reform model ....................... 90 7. Love yourself in a selfless way ............................... 94 8. Be a happy nut instead of a miserable nut ............... 97 Step Five: Understanding Your Jerk ................................ 100 Who are these jerks anyway? Four major differences between the cruel and the kind . 100 Where is your jerk? ......................................................... 102 The seven most common jerks (and their baggage) ........................................................ 104 The Mean Jerk ........................................................... 105 The Persecuted Jerk ................................................... 107 The Self-Centered Jerk .............................................. 110 The Entitled Jerk ....................................................... 113 The Competitive Jerk ................................................ 115 The Ignorant Jerk ...................................................... 117 The Crabby Jerk ........................................................ 120 Step Six: Practicing the Ten Essential Skills of the Jerk Whisperer ................................................... 123 Skill #1. A Jerk Whisperer practices not reacting ............... 124 Skill #2. A Jerk Whisperer treats every relationship as though they will need help from that person in the future ..................................................................... 125 Skill #3. A Jerk Whisperer vents but does not disparage others ........................................................ 129 Skill #4. A Jerk Whisperer minimizes blame and maximizes validation ..................................................... 132 Skill #5. A Jerk Whisperer apologizes and can admit to wrongdoings ..................................................... 137 Skill #6. A Jerk Whisperer can let go and use assertive delay .................................................... 140 Skill #7. A Jerk Whisperer laughs at him- or herself – daily ................................................. 143 Skill #8. A Jerk Whisperer mentally rehearses rational scenarios ............................................................ 145 Skill #9. A Jerk Whisperer can state at least one thing each day for which he or she is grateful ......... 150 Skill #10. A Jerk Whisperer gives away all of the things he or she can make from nothing .................................... 153 Dedication ........................................................................... 158 References ........................................................................... 161 About the Author ............................................................... 162 It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity. I hope that someday, our humanity might yet surpass our technology. —Albert Einstein Definition ofjerk : A fool; a stupid person Definition of whisperer: One who speaks very softly with- out vibration of the vocal cords Introduction As you begin to read this book, it is important to reflect on where you stand in regard to your goals in your relationships with your fellow human beings. If you want to know how to put jerks and idiots or jackasses in their place, stop now and look for another book (perhaps in the “How to Increase Anger” section of the bookstore). If you want to get even with the hostile people in your life, please ask for your money back and enroll in an Ultimate Fight- ing training course. If you are looking for skills to dominate others, you are wasting your time reading the wrong book. However, if you are interested in discovering insights into your life, reducing your stress, cultivating love, and promoting human compassion, you are in the right place. The goal of this book is not to beat down the jerks, but to help them (and help ourselves) to find the courage that guides us to kindness, gentle- ness, and peacefulness. The reason that jerks are jerks is because they see the world as a hostile place, and they see it as their job and their right to be abusive and aggressive. The Jerk Whisperer is a guide for average people with aver- age struggles. It is a book for those who possess an unwavering desire to make the world a better place. If you want to under- stand how you react to hostility, how you get stuck, how you can change your thinking, and ultimately create new behaviors to influence and elevate the people around you, then you are in the right place. Only one thing makes a dream impossible: the fear of failure. —Paulo Coelho 1 This pursuit may be the most difficult undertaking in your life. Often, when we pursue our goals in life, we struggle when we meet failure. It’s natural to lose a little hope when we fail, but if you’ve chosen to deal with the hostility in the world, you should never hesitate or stop because you are frustrated. Nor should you stop because you may believe that you don’t have all the tools for dealing with all of the aggression in the world. You don’t need a Ph.D. to improve the world. You don’t need money, fame, or success to make a difference. If you really want something different in your life, don’t wait until you feel like you have a huge set of skills or qualifications. Most of the things we follow with our heart don’t require wealth, extraor- dinary education, or a high IQ, because most of the things we follow with our heart only require a gracious determination and a genuine will to make a difference in the world. There are two major reasons why we