They Have Something to Blame Everything On.'

VOLUME FOURTEEN ISSUE SEVEN 10 January 2000 'I envy people who drink . They have something to blame everything on.' - Oscar Levant World Still Crippled One Yea r After Devastating Y2K Bu g Humanity Still Searching For Resaon to Go On in Desolate Horrorscap e Wasteland Once Known as Earth (AP ) No recovery efforts have been successful tion to Pitt's wife's short appearance on the for dense human populance . The North round the globe, it is another deso - yet, mostly due to the great political insta - balcony before the Royal couple left th e West Coast of North America's greates t late, unbearable day for the few hud - bility of the entire planet. The constantly balcony and returned to their chambers to urban area, Abbotsford, invites all it's citi- led survivors of Judgement Day, changing parade of `World Dictators' hav e continue their state-sanctioned repopula- zens to take part in it's first annual raisin g the day that all computers turned on their made it difficult to direct any effor t tion of the earth. of a commemorative Pile of Suffering , human masters . towards recovery of any sort of livable con- But what of the common people? How are which will mark another year of horrid , ditions. But there is cause for celebration today . they spending Judgement Day's firs t dreary existence on a cold and barren planet. For today is the one year to the day sinc e At this point, there are 9 known `Worl d anniversary ? modern society as we knew it came to a Dictators' who claim to be the single, dom- Bill Gates, CEO of the former grea t `Yes my brothers,' the Grand General of screeching halt. inant force on the planet . With no `phon e Microsoft Corporation, and once arguabl y Abbotsford said in a press release today, ì t lines', `television' or Internet', the masse s It was exactly one year ago when the 'Y2K ' the most powerful man on the planet, was has come to be that we have someho w have been unable to form any sort of inde - bug, a relatively simple glitch in the clock recently cornered by The 432 for comment pulled through an entire year of thi s pendent movement. mechanisms of all high-tech machines , as he was looting the maggot-infested body unspeakable suffering . But there are many caused the extensive network of computer s Brad Pitt, Western North America's sole of Paul Allen for scraps of food. `We shoul d more to come, and many wars to be fought that ran their modern society to self- claimant as King of Earth, made an appear - have seen the folly of relying on technology over the remains of the once pristine an d destruct. ance on the balcony of his alabaster palac e to see to all our daily needs . If only we had beautiful earth. We are truly doomed . But and commemorated the event in his speech we should also take great joy in our lives . The following sequence of events, startin g more of a sense of what was going on . Oh, to the gathering of wretched survivor s Join me, won't you, tomorrow at Noon in with simple electronic meltdowns, and the day the fire came down and oh how it from the Southern West Coast of North burned my eyes ...' the Abbotsford town square to witness the peaking as the nuclear arsenals of the for- America. dawning of a new era. An era of hope that mer Union of Socialist Soviet Republics From here, Gates continued on to incoher- we may live to once again know a pleasur - and the former United States launche `My people,' Pitt began, Ìt has been a yea r ent ramblings about his 'precious' until h e d able existence .' automatically when their control system s since the holocaust that took so many of was overrun by a horde of beshevled ex - crashed . our great inventions from us. But we must 'dot corn millionaires' and lynched for his Relatively cheerful celebrations are bein g persevere. We must find strength within to held around the world to commemorate The explosions of the weapons of those fur coat, which was then torn to shreds i n rebuild our society to it's former greatness . the dead of Judgement Day, and their gen - arsenals, and the counter-attack from the following fight between geeks for its ownership. erally enviable position. Check your local every third world warring faction with a Ìt is only under my guidance that, no t listings for the time and location of mass nuclear device, left an estimated 4 .7 billion only will we will attain our past glory, but Monuments of refuse and scrap will b e suicides, riots, and public burning o f dead and cast the world into immediat e surpass it in every way .' raised in the new major metropolitan areas deviants in your area . nuclear winter. The crowd then applauded loudly in reac- on land previously considered unsuitable Editors Found Not Guilty due to Insanity Vancouver (Reuters) editorial staff had been depending on to fill n a shocking decision today, the Hon- the paper. ourable Judge Daniel Ashbourne hand- Ìt's like this Your Honour, We're in th e ed down the verdict of `Not Guilty due entertainment business . And if peopl e to Insanity' in the case of Serial Homicid e don't entertain, then we look bad . And against the two editors of The 432, a popu- when people aren't entertaining for us , lar student publication of the University o f they've broken promises, not only to th e British Columbia. co-accused and myself, but to the people as The case had garnered nation-wide atten- a whole. Well, Your Honour, we just could - tion due to the extremely brutal nature o f n't stand for that . We killed, not for our - the twelve killings that the editors ha d selves, but for the people.' admitted to carrying out. Police reports have been withheld from The two accused, Jay Garcia and And y the public, but rumours of decapitations , Martin, both editors of the Science Under- guttings, and attempts to make surim i graduate Society's bi-monthly newspaper, from the bodies have been leaked to the were deemed `not mentally competent to media by an unidentified source known stand trial' after Martin jumped his ow n only as `Deep Tongue ' defense lawyer, started striking hi m Both of the accused have been placed i n repeatedly with a large chili dog an d the care of Dr . J. Hetfield of `Welcome accused him of showboating for the 'gov- Home' Sanitarium in Victoria. Dr. Hetfield ernment yaks' . expects the pair to make a slow and hars This man is following in my footsteps. h Garcia had stated the reason for the pre - recovery through a vigorous schedule of I've never been more proud. Please kill me. ' planned killings was related to the fact that shock therapy, heavy morphine and fre- - Andy Martin none of the slain had submitted th e quent exposure to naked pictures of Joh n promised articles for The 432. Articles the Hallett. Page Two THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 1 0 January 2000 Kicking Yuppies even if some of the work that these children Having taken political science classes an d Bree Baxter were doing for their Fagin-esque employ- interacted with people who work in financ e ers was less than legal, at least they had and stuff (my friend Brooke, who works a s Fond of Bonds goals in life. Today's kids do not have such a mutual fund adjuster or something where goals. "Oh, mommy, I need a Playstation 2 she has to be at work by 6am for the open- eople in Kitsilano leash their children for Christmas or I'll simply die! " ing of the Toronto Stock Exchange, just go t and allow their dogs to run free . I'm Whatever . another cat. This cat is named Suzie and has evil eyebrows so I'm not sure if the cat Pnot sure of the point of this, as Rove r I heard someone say yesterday that Allan can run faster than Junior and is therefor e hates me or hates everyone), I have becom e Greenspan has been trained not to move even more paranoid, if that is possible . Yes, more likely to be mown down by a car . too fast for fear of causing the global econ- Maybe that's not the point. I've never bee n the Man is running the show, and his nam e VOLUME FOURTEEN omy to collapse. For those of you who d o is Allan Greenspan . a parent of a Kitsilano kid . not pay that much attention to the Ameri- e ISSUE SEVE N Possibly, the SUV-driving, latte sipping , can economic scene, Allan Greenspan i s It would have been so much simpler in th DKNY wearing yuppies of Kitsilano hav e the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and days of the Industrial Revolution . You 10 JANUARY 2000 the right idea. Children need more disci- the most powerful man in American . He either die from lung cancer from the coal pline these days . Tying Bill to a short rop e decides what the American economy does . dust in the mines, or from dysentery fro m that his mother carries around might jus t When he sneezes, Micosoaft's shares dro p the open sewer pits on the streets of Lon - Pimp Daddy produce a more structured society.

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