VOLUME FOURTEEN ISSUE SEVEN 10 January 2000
'I envy people who drink . They have something to blame everything on.'
- Oscar Levant World Still Crippled One Yea r After Devastating Y2K Bu g Humanity Still Searching For Resaon to Go On in Desolate Horrorscap e Wasteland Once Known as Earth (AP ) No recovery efforts have been successful tion to Pitt's wife's short appearance on the for dense human populance . The North round the globe, it is another deso - yet, mostly due to the great political insta - balcony before the Royal couple left th e West Coast of North America's greates t late, unbearable day for the few hud - bility of the entire planet. The constantly balcony and returned to their chambers to urban area, Abbotsford, invites all it's citi- led survivors of Judgement Day, changing parade of `World Dictators' hav e continue their state-sanctioned repopula- zens to take part in it's first annual raisin g the day that all computers turned on their made it difficult to direct any effor t tion of the earth. of a commemorative Pile of Suffering , human masters . towards recovery of any sort of livable con- But what of the common people? How are which will mark another year of horrid , ditions. But there is cause for celebration today . they spending Judgement Day's firs t dreary existence on a cold and barren plan- et. For today is the one year to the day sinc e At this point, there are 9 known `Worl d anniversary ? modern society as we knew it came to a Dictators' who claim to be the single, dom- Bill Gates, CEO of the former grea t `Yes my brothers,' the Grand General of screeching halt. inant force on the planet . With no `phon e Microsoft Corporation, and once arguabl y Abbotsford said in a press release today, `i t lines', `television' or Internet', the masse s It was exactly one year ago when the 'Y2K ' the most powerful man on the planet, was has come to be that we have someho w have been unable to form any sort of inde - bug, a relatively simple glitch in the clock recently cornered by The 432 for comment pulled through an entire year of thi s pendent movement. mechanisms of all high-tech machines , as he was looting the maggot-infested body unspeakable suffering . But there are many caused the extensive network of computer s Brad Pitt, Western North America's sole of Paul Allen for scraps of food. `We shoul d more to come, and many wars to be fought that ran their modern society to self- claimant as King of Earth, made an appear - have seen the folly of relying on technology over the remains of the once pristine an d destruct. ance on the balcony of his alabaster palac e to see to all our daily needs . If only we had beautiful earth. We are truly doomed . But and commemorated the event in his speech we should also take great joy in our lives . The following sequence of events, startin g more of a sense of what was going on . Oh, to the gathering of wretched survivor s Join me, won't you, tomorrow at Noon in with simple electronic meltdowns, and the day the fire came down and oh how it from the Southern West Coast of North burned my eyes ...' the Abbotsford town square to witness the peaking as the nuclear arsenals of the for- America. dawning of a new era. An era of hope that mer Union of Socialist Soviet Republics From here, Gates continued on to incoher- we may live to once again know a pleasur - and the former United States launche `My people,' Pitt began, `It has been a yea r ent ramblings about his 'precious' until h e d able existence .' automatically when their control system s since the holocaust that took so many of was overrun by a horde of beshevled ex - crashed . our great inventions from us. But we must 'dot corn millionaires' and lynched for his Relatively cheerful celebrations are bein g persevere. We must find strength within to held around the world to commemorate The explosions of the weapons of those fur coat, which was then torn to shreds i n rebuild our society to it's former greatness . the dead of Judgement Day, and their gen - arsenals, and the counter-attack from the following fight between geeks for its ownership. erally enviable position. Check your local every third world warring faction with a `It is only under my guidance that, no t listings for the time and location of mass nuclear device, left an estimated 4 .7 billion only will we will attain our past glory, but Monuments of refuse and scrap will b e suicides, riots, and public burning o f dead and cast the world into immediat e surpass it in every way .' raised in the new major metropolitan areas deviants in your area . nuclear winter. The crowd then applauded loudly in reac- on land previously considered unsuitable Editors Found Not Guilty due to Insanity Vancouver (Reuters) editorial staff had been depending on to fill n a shocking decision today, the Hon- the paper. ourable Judge Daniel Ashbourne hand- `It's like this Your Honour, We're in th e ed down the verdict of `Not Guilty due entertainment business . And if peopl e to Insanity' in the case of Serial Homicid e don't entertain, then we look bad . And against the two editors of The 432, a popu- when people aren't entertaining for us , lar student publication of the University o f they've broken promises, not only to th e British Columbia. co-accused and myself, but to the people as The case had garnered nation-wide atten- a whole. Well, Your Honour, we just could - tion due to the extremely brutal nature o f n't stand for that . We killed, not for our - the twelve killings that the editors ha d selves, but for the people.' admitted to carrying out. Police reports have been withheld from The two accused, Jay Garcia and And y the public, but rumours of decapitations , Martin, both editors of the Science Under- guttings, and attempts to make surim i graduate Society's bi-monthly newspaper, from the bodies have been leaked to the were deemed `not mentally competent to media by an unidentified source known stand trial' after Martin jumped his ow n only as `Deep Tongue ' defense lawyer, started striking hi m Both of the accused have been placed i n repeatedly with a large chili dog an d the care of Dr . J. Hetfield of `Welcome accused him of showboating for the 'gov- Home' Sanitarium in Victoria. Dr. Hetfield ernment yaks' . expects the pair to make a slow and hars This man is following in my footsteps. h Garcia had stated the reason for the pre - recovery through a vigorous schedule of I've never been more proud. Please kill me. ' planned killings was related to the fact that shock therapy, heavy morphine and fre- - Andy Martin none of the slain had submitted th e quent exposure to naked pictures of Joh n promised articles for The 432. Articles the Hallett.
Page Two THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 1 0 January 2000 Kicking Yuppies
even if some of the work that these children Having taken political science classes an d Bree Baxter were doing for their Fagin-esque employ- interacted with people who work in financ e ers was less than legal, at least they had and stuff (my friend Brooke, who works a s Fond of Bonds goals in life. Today's kids do not have such a mutual fund adjuster or something where goals. "Oh, mommy, I need a Playstation 2 she has to be at work by 6am for the open- eople in Kitsilano leash their children for Christmas or I'll simply die! " ing of the Toronto Stock Exchange, just go t and allow their dogs to run free . I'm Whatever . another cat. This cat is named Suzie and has evil eyebrows so I'm not sure if the cat Pnot sure of the point of this, as Rove r I heard someone say yesterday that Allan can run faster than Junior and is therefor e hates me or hates everyone), I have becom e Greenspan has been trained not to move even more paranoid, if that is possible . Yes, more likely to be mown down by a car . too fast for fear of causing the global econ- Maybe that's not the point. I've never bee n the Man is running the show, and his nam e VOLUME FOURTEEN omy to collapse. For those of you who d o is Allan Greenspan . a parent of a Kitsilano kid . not pay that much attention to the Ameri- e ISSUE SEVE N Possibly, the SUV-driving, latte sipping , can economic scene, Allan Greenspan i s It would have been so much simpler in th DKNY wearing yuppies of Kitsilano hav e the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and days of the Industrial Revolution . You 10 JANUARY 2000 the right idea. Children need more disci- the most powerful man in American . He either die from lung cancer from the coal pline these days . Tying Bill to a short rop e decides what the American economy does . dust in the mines, or from dysentery fro m that his mother carries around might jus t When he sneezes, Micosoaft's shares dro p the open sewer pits on the streets of Lon - Pimp Daddy produce a more structured society. When five points. Anyway, Allan Greenspan don (in 1867, there was the Big Stench , twelve year olds are wandering the West wears these funny little bow-ties and blac k where the entire Thames river went anoxic. Andy Marti n Side alone at three in the morning, talking suits and reminds me of a math teacher I It really sucked because then the bacteria trol ler2 raven@ya hoo .ca on their cell phones that mommy an d had in first year. I think it's a great boost t o tried to use sulfur for oxidation, and the daddy bought them to make sure tha t the world of academia when a math teacher river smelled of rotten eggs) or from any Junior can be tracked down at three in th e is seen to run the world's largest economy . number of infectious diseases that were Sugar Dadd y morning, it's time to make a change. I have passed on because the English had quite an Maybe Allan Greenspan had a hand in the aversion to bathing. At the very least, life Jay Garcia just the solution: Mandatory work for election of George Bush. Bush has to wor k [email protected] everyone over the age of 4. and death was predictable. You never carefully to avoid being seen as his daddy's thought that the government was out to get I know that most people at UBC have thi s hand-puppet, so he would be more likely t o you (because the government was too bus y twisted socialist aversion to the exploita- defer to Greenspan on matters of econom- fighting with the monarchy) or that some - Mack Daddy tion of small children for corporate profit , ic impact, much more so than would Gore e one was watching you. Except God. That Chris Westo n but do you think that today's youth ar (the other one). Anyone who thinks that God fellow was watching everyone back done any favours by being allowed to think Bush won the American election fairly is on then. Maybe humans can't live without th e that life is just supposed to come to them ? crack. When thousands of most-probably- Printed by dread of being constantly spied upon an d Mom and Dad won't be around forever , African-American-Democrats are falsely judged. After humans got rid of God, the y College Printers, Vancouver, B C and everyone needs some way to suppor t added to a list of federal convicts (in the needed something or someone else t o themselves. States, once you've been convicted of a watch them. e felony you can't ever vote), in Florida no Hearken back to the beginning of th Allan Greenspan is my God . Brats Industrial Revolution with me. Back then , less, you can't even try to tell me that it's a coincidence . As if the election officials in Dan Anderson they had kids as young as four and five working in the coal mines and factories . Florida are any more racist than those in Bree Baxte r Was there a problem with juvenile delin- other states. Greenspan had to have had a Tim Cha n quency or a lack of initiative? Nope. And hand in this. Keri Gammon Jay Garcia Kelly Mann Editorial Andy Marti n mYk electoral process, but who wants to see the of unholies, that verboten topic, broached s cii ss,, day Garcia Kat Scotton word "flick" repeated about six hundre d only by this campus' seamiest rag (th e times in a row? Granted, it would look goo d Ubyssey), Porn. Sara Stamm C ,..~ 2. He's Your Daddy on paper, but I have people who would tak e Aside from sheer writer's block, thi s Reka Sztopa me to task for the gratuitous use of the episode of terrible prurience was brought Ben Warrington had seriously considered getting a word, without even an award attached to it on by said Acting Editor, when he made a Chris Westo n steam powered, robotic version o f (read the goddamn Hitchhiker's Guide, i f gift of the pure, unsullied American version myself to write this article; I figured, you need the reference explained) . They Sherry Yang I to the 432 staff, which, at this moment, hey, six years is a helluva large body o f would probably accost me as I came into includes myself, Andy, and Chris Weston . work to plagiarize from, and besides which, the office, after work, just looking for a Now, I really don't know about Chris' sta- Web Sites I've granted myself rights in perpetuity to place to crash before I worked up the ener- tus on the campus meat market, but nei- continue to rip myself off in case of flood , gy to go to my next class . They would like- http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/ ther Andy and I have anyone special in our fire, or laziness. ly be all smiles, and come-hither eyes (and, lives, so you'd think that Porn would be the hnp://seercom .com/sus/432/ Then I realized that if I did this, the result- yes, they would most likely be female), an d perfect gift. But by the time you reach griz- ing article would look like a lot of Spam then they would probably batter me sense- zled old man of the campus status, th e mail, inflected with my own sense of vitri- less with large, painful blunt objects . sight of three nubile women playing Legal Information olic bile; This procludes me, then, from dippin g around with what can only be described a s The 432 comes to you from the tor- "Make money FAST while gouging out th e into the large pool of verboten subjects . I really lucky produce doesn't tend to arouse , tured souls of the damned. i.e. the eyes of capitalistic scum who buy SUV's mean, I've already exhausted the schoo l anymore; we've reached the age of Porn editorial staff that enjoys taking and run Honda Civic's off the road. Lose categories ; bad / good profs, stupid stu- saturation. I mean, you're getting it in you r entire weekends out of their life t o weight NOW! And pick up a copy of Quak e dent tricks, residence life, bzzr gardens and face, solicited or not, every day in every give a long, painful, and traumitiz- 3 Arena, Team Arena version, just $44.95 related parties, and so on (as an aside, I've form of media. How else can you attribute ing birth to the words, wit and wis- while supplies last, all you have to do i s been told that some people are actually the huge popularity of Britney Spears an d dom you now see before you . send this article to fifteen other people an d using my "helpful guides'to student life" as her army of clones ? All views expressed in this issue threaten them to read it, unless they shoul d a basis for their academic / social careers; I Hmm, maybe I should capitalize on this are strictly those of the individua l want their legs broken". would highly advise against following this trend and send out Porn Spam; lemme practice, as it's more a case of the blind writers, and as such are not the Seeing as I want to keep this fine paper 's dust off that steam-powered robotic Jay responsibility of The 432, The Sci- readership in top form for as long as possi- leading the really stupid). I've exhausted Garcia and set it at the computer now... ence Undergraduate Society, or the ble (without the blinding inconvenience of the geek categories too ; hardware specifi- Faculty of Science . Writers and car- cations, video games, movies and books , shattered scapulae), I figured the robot Jay and all kinds of software. I have always told Jay that I lo- well, toonists are encouraged to submi t Garcia was out of the question. their material to The 432. Submis- no...I APPRECIATE him greatly. But the This meant that I was still stuck with an 1-1311, I <@I\I 3v3I\I SI>33k `1337. sions must meet the requirements And that is no mean task, I can tell you. It's last thing the planet needs is another of making the editor chuckle thrice, eight-hundred word editorial and nothin g like learning Swahili, then throwing away Garcia, steam, life force, or Finlandia - and contain the author's name an d to really write about . I could rant about all the grammar, replacing all the charac- driven. contact information. politics, but the last two papers were about He embodies all that is wrong with the , ters with bad alphanumerics, and tossing politics. I could rant about consumerism in a whole lotta `tude. world. From the geekyness (nicely por- In support of Arts Week, The 43 2 but I've done that before . Part of the prob- will be holding several interesting So what am I left with? A handful of topics trayed by the inclusion of XBox and 'lee t lem of having written about campus life in this issue), to a true problem with pri- seminars, including 'Beyond th e and idiosyncrasies for six years is that afte r not suitable for publication ; topics so bad I orities. He actually had a serious internal B.A. : Would you like fries with a while, you run out of normal things to wouldn't even submit the resulting article s that?', 'Bullshit: How to sound intel- to the Underground, out of fear of violating conflict of lining up for the release of the write about. To shamelessly steal from th e latest 3D smack-n-shoot video game ver- legent when you really don't know Byrds; "to everything, turn turn turn, there some or all of the Geneva convention. shit.', and 'How to Resist Smackin ' sus spending time with his girlfriend fo r is a season". Cyclical modes of human But, desperate times call for desperate the first time in three weeks. Artsies Upside the Haid wit' a Stee l nature notwithstanding, this does nothing measures; I mean, fer chrissakes, I let Girder'. to fill a half page with entertaining words . I Andy edit most of this paper, after all . So, Ah hell, I'll just cut his balls off. Death to the infidel! Yes, you . suppose I could polemicize about the AMS I'm forced to fall back on the most unholy -- Andy
10 January2000 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Three Return of Son of Ramblings I V
what Vipond, so you were up al l experience with existential angst . wow, i home and i shot myself in the head . mYk night? Besides, me and the littl e feel like i'm 14 again. Thank you for you r lady crossed that intersection after comments about Vietnamese gangs, i wil l Lives Thru da Screen we left the PNE . It wasn't so bad . try to avoid this horrible menace in th e On Anti-Trust Well MyK, my shift began at 11 :0 0 future. Thank you also for qualifying that Go and see this movie! Not only was it P .M . while the intersection an d unnecessarily racial detail with som e filmed on the UBC campus and features the omeone wrote me an email! My life i s environs thereabout yet flowed wit h complete! I exist ! racism against "Whites", which i can onl y CICSR building, but the hyper technical happy fairgoers, some of the the m elite screen shots are of Linux with a S high school friends commenting assume is your own race. Remember kids, excitedly about the fair, my unifor m when you make a racist remark followed by GNOME desktop! WOop ! etc . This is the gate you saw . A s another racist remark about your own race , Date : Wed, 20 Dec 2000 20 :22 :5 4 time came to bear on the evening , it means you are not a racist! Woop ! 0 On Arts Courses 080 however, all the fairgoers left, an d Where did you learn to be Canadian, Subject : Existential angst and othe r I was left with different company . Alabama in the early 6os? I thought so . I'm taking Anthropology 100, Film Stud- post-modernist delight s Who else is awake at 3 :00 A .M . ? Guess what? Race is a myth perpetuated ies 230, and English 318! I don't have to From : "Jeremy Vipond" Heroin addicts and Vietnamese gangs , set foot in a compsci building at all thi s of course! So there I was, huddle d by western European colonialism, loth
splurging. Really. Stop laughing! Hey, I'll so-called `celebration', but makers of bulbs. Dan Anderson have you know I spent $0 .85 on gum the morning-after pills and Valium (for the I say we forget about the whole New Years other day! But there are other reasons the happiness of all individuals concerned) a s thing, and celebrate "It's A Hell Of A Long Mr. Anderson to yo u way people act on new years seems absurd. well! Time Until Next Year Comes"-Day, startin g And the reasons rarely make sense . Besides all of this, what drives people t o the Saturday afterwards. Bring out all you r ome things mystify me . Religion. ("Sense?" You ask, "isn't that illegal in this put so much emphasis on that day? If you friends, have a rocking good time, and Quantum theory. Spray-can cheese. I province? Didn't we set up government to build it up in importance, it's bound to laugh at all the people who celebrated ne w Smean, it's cheese coming out of a can get rid of all of that stuff? Like with fast fer- eventually not meet your expectations . If years the week before. Because, hey, ne w for chrissakes! But possibly even more ries?") Midnight comes around and cou- you're not going to bother going out, why years comes but once a year, but it's a hel- mystifying is what occurs on Dec 31st. Peo- ples are being... is "so gooey and mushy I in the world would you feel compelled to si t luva long time until new years for a while ... ple act stranger and stranger as the night feel like driving a metal spike through bot h and watch other people have fun on th e especially if you call a week "a helluva lon g progresses, with the strangeness some - of their heads at once and then running TV? Why do companies have parties, frats time" ! And with 348 days to celebrate, it, i t times lasting, slowly diminishing, until 3 or 120V through it so they can stay together order kegs, houses get ransacked and clubs could just be the party of the year ! 4 in the morning. Perhaps it's the alcoho l for eternity" a valid phrase? But, in any have block-long lineups? Ooh, look, now case, all the singles look around and start the year you occasionally write down is on e and other mood influencers that are doing Dan has chosen to ignore earlier advise it. (No, by "mood influencers" I don't mea n to feel lonely . Well, welcome to the real bigger. Whoopidee doo dah, big deal. The world, being single will mean being lonely passing of the old, and ringing in of th e from Yours Truly. Advise that would have the strippers, for those of you who didn't spared him great physical pain and suf- have anything better to do .) the majority of the time, which means th e new? Get real . Everyone wants to improve , vase majority of people will either be in a (proof - new years resolutions) but every fering at the hands of an irate editor. And the people organizing events that relationship they aren't happy with year, the downhill slope you're tumblin g As I lied the currently inactive SUS po p night love it. Most nights, if someon e because they "settled for him/her" or else down gets steeper and steeper, and th e machine to deliver the killing blow, Da n charged $90 for dinner and dancing, where single and depressed for most of their lives . milestones that pass you by just mark yo u screamed out like a little girl, claiming the dinner is second-rate and the dancing Get used to it. But, I'm off topic again. that much older. Maybe people just want a that this article was actually much longe r is about as drunken as the average club , So, all the singles feel bad . Boo hoo. Does reason to act wild, an excuse to do things than usual, and that the problem was they'd end up with few takers. But ooh, they normally couldn't get away with . that the text box to fill was that muc h look, it's New Years Eve - hey, let's throw that give them a reason to hook up with people who they obviously don 't think are Wake up, people . The reason you don't larger. money away! Admittedly, you can save normally feel good doing that kind of stuff money on transportation since busses are good enough for them, since they don' t I let it drop on his head, but now I feel even call the next day? Apparently ! is because it's either stupid or illegal, or bad. free and driving is less than safe, but yo u both. Or possibly involving www.I-love- end up spending more in the end becaus e (Women and guys, you know what I'm I wish people wouldn't lay such guilt talking about or you know who you are, not sheep.com. "Hey, look, it's new years, I can trips on me. it's kind of hard to say to that cute guy/girl screw my bosses wife! And then driv e you just met "hey, my place is only a 50 necessarily respectively.) Once again, alco- hol doesn't normally have quite that strong home drunk!" Sorry, but we were laughin g minute bus ride from here, whaddaya say?" at you, not with you, when you did the stri p Nudge nudge...wink wink... kick to head . , an effect on so many people all at once . Not I'll bet taxi drivers are in on it too . Now show on the table at the stroke of 12. And -- Andy conttary to popular belief, I don't mind only are alcohol producers, drug dealers , event organizers and taxi drivers in on this the flashes weren't fireworks, but flash-
Page Four THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 1 0 January 2000
A Learning Process SUS Bzzr I found this situation even worse with ments and tests during that all that extra Chris Weston finals this last term . Once the last midter m time. We forget how efficient we can actu- Gardenin g of the term was over, I found that less an d ally be if we need to be. All term nothing Procrastinating Quickly less reading and work was being done . I really gets done for a lot of courses, wit h guess I somehow thought that since there the exception of around midterms and big Crew wouldn't be anymore midterms on it, I did - assignments, and then right at the end w e ne term of the school year is over, n't really need to do the work . Of course seem to be able to learn the whole course i n and we've just begun a brand new that was totally wrong,and I knew it fro m a matter of a few days . It's amazing really ! O one. If you're lucky, midterm s the start. As soon as we were done classes , I am glad, however, that the time we shouldn't start for at least a good month o r the time to start studying for final exams spend in school is not less than it is . Can so, the work shouldn't be getting to intense arrived. What fun! I now had the task of you imagine living in exam studying mode right away, and you should find yourself actually reading some of the material for for a few months in a row? I don't think I with at least some free time . What doe s the first time, making sure I knew it b y could handle it. There would be no time to this all mean? Go out and have fun , doing various questions, as well as actuall y do anything else while at school. We all because you know that you'll be missing it studying all the other material that had know that being at university involve s once midterms hit! Once those midterm s been covered in the term . I ended up more than just learning course material, s o start, they don't really stop until the end of spending the first part of the time that I perhaps we should just stay the way that the term again . was supposed to be using for actual study - we are. It seems to be working just fine. It's funny, if you think about it, how i t ing, just learning the material for the firs t seems that we don't really do that much time. It's not really the best way to go , work during the first month or so . If you're because if you can't teach it to yourself, Man, I hate having to make with the Ka t like me anyway, you probably postpon e there's not really too much more you can funny on the spot. those readings and questions that were do about it. Amazingly, somehow it all I takes a certain mood to be funny . A assigned to you. You probably promise worked out in the end though . The study- mood fueled by equal parts Bacardi, bit- yourself that you'll get to them later on, but ing that needed to be done got done an d terness, and bloodlust (if the current edi- it never really happens, does it? Then sud- things were learned. torial staff is anything near a defining kscotton ) denly, one day in class, your professo r What this all shows us is that we really example). announces that a midterm will be in a few don't need to be in school for the full 8 o r You have no idea the amount of blood, days. Oops! Guess you should have done so months of school . In fact, the time could tears, and sweat goes into this paper, nterchan e1ubc1ca that work when you were supposed to do it ! probably be cut in half if that was what w e most of it from the 5 year olds who work All of a sudden, you are in a mad rush to get wanted. We could have an intense few at the sweatshop where we print this. . The through many chapters of reading months of studying and learning, wher e God bless the little children worse part is that you not only have to rea d that would basically be all that we do, and you want to it, but you have to understand it as well i n then we could be off for half of the year or -- Andy this short period oftime. That kind of help s more. We could be working and relaxing , come . for a test, in terms of doing well . rather than stressing out about assign - Wanna Date? Pornologica l `Vancouver's Rock Alternative'. But what pens, enjoy your KIEJEB' AJPUU and hop e Kelly Mann do I hear but Cypress Hill coming out of my that there is a world to wake up to on JO B stereo. Huh? I could swear I remembere d IMOX. Clock Watcher the Fox boycotting a U2 album not so lon g So what does the future really hold for us ? ago because they were concerned it was too How the hell should I know? If I did, I `dancy', and X-Fm seems to play mor e 11 it is a brand new year, a brand would be rich as fuck from the gambling, 11, the ACTUAL start of the mil - Moby than Matt Good . new millennium for that matter. and not hanging around here . So, maybe it lennium. After watching the com- You should feel blessed that you would be better to reflect on the past. A lot mon masses getting all whoope d Let's just hope `N Stink doesn't creep i n W too soon. At least the stations haven't sol d got to see the end of a millennium . Appar- of wondrous human achievements up over what really amounted the bigges t ently, it only happens twice every thousan d occurred in the past thousand years , false alarm of all time (except the Y2K bug out as much as Muchmusic has . Is there a boy band they won't overplay until I feel years. I never understood the whole figh t nuclear capability being just one of them. scare, which ironically showed to be a farce like going to Toronto just to be the only girl about whether the millennium started Jan- Millions, possibly billions, of people at the exact same second as the other). Way in the `Intimate and Interactive' crowd giv- uary 1, 2000 or January 1, 2001. Sure, I starved to death over the last thousand to go guys . ing them the finger and waving a placard suppose technically that the year 2000 i s years. Many thousands or millions of peo- Okay, yes, I was one of the millions to par- reading `C.J! I'm pregnant with your bas- the two thousandth year, and thus is the ple were murdered . The Americas were col - take in the partying, drunkenness, an d tard child!' ? last year of the second millennium not the onized by Europeans resulting in mor e rampant nudity deep into the night. But, first year of the third, but do you includ e murder, war, and general mayhem. There it's so easy to get whipped into a frenzy Women are such idiots . And, for once, it' s 1990 in the decade of the eighties? What' a woman saying it. Look at the youngest o f s were the Opium wars, the crusades, th e when it's an reason for possibly the great- y it really matter, anyway? Our calendar ha s Mongol hordes, and of course, two world est party of all time . us: screaming like idiots in front of an a lot more problems than the lack of a yea bunch of guys they put together and put as r wars. Baa. the pretty face on a media machine con- o. Current leading theories place the birth It wouldn't really be fair, however, to of Jesus in one of 7 or 35 AD (or CE for assert that all of human history for the past Does it really matter what the date is? I structed by big business . Then we get older, r mean, think about the countless number o f leave the boy bands behind, and believe the those people who prefer) . On the othe thousand years has been killing. There people who died before, or were born after bull that men tell us in the bar . Why do hand, the Gregorian calendar (the one we were several renaissances where culture they act like such jerks? Because it actually use for those who might not know) didn't was completely revolutionized, thus creat- a millennium . Millions who will never see a actually come into use until something like millennium (or even a century) turnover. works once in a while, and is a lot easier ing a whole new stuck-up, snobbish upper- Are their lives any more barren? I'm sure than being the sweet guy we all dream of. 400 years after the date it was supposed t o class each time. There was the industrial be measured from, so I would say Gregory revolution which allowed us to pollute our they lived/will live full and happy That's right . When we were little girls o n did a pretty decent job all things consid- lives...except for the slaves, their live s planet, and of course, televisions and com- our Daddy's knees as he read us fairy tales , ered. While we are on the subject, anyway , y sucked. we always imaged our Prince Charmin g puters in front of which, I spend man it is interesting to note that Christ wa s hours rotting my brain. But this is not an article about people who would grab our ass during the first dance o f probably born in the fall, around Septem- lives were tragic, but it's important to real- the ball and spend the rest of the night try- So what is my point? This new year is no t ber or October . Christmas is actually a . ize that we have better lives than most o f ing to get us back to their tower. I can't pagan festival to beg the sun to return and going to be a lot different than the past the world. But what else can I talk about? I believe I'm in the minority for respondin g chase the winter away. Someone will probably make some new y discovery, a popular new little consume r started this with the intention of discussing with a knee-to-groin combo when a gu At the end of the farce of the millennium, but suddenly, does that. 1999, back when there was al l product might come out (almost certainly the hype about the year 2000 and the Y2K I've run out of material . Way to go Kelly. Really guys, all we want is a selfless guy hundreds of stupid useless ones will), an d bug, I saw a calendar with the Jewish year . some people will keep stealing and mur- I'd like to wonder out loud exactly what i s who will help me through the tough times, Forgive me, but 5760 seemed so much up with Vancouver `rock' radio stations? I make me laugh during the good times, an d dering. Maybe a disease will be cured, and more impressive than a mere 2000. It is a new one discovered . None of these things stopped listening about mid-Nov when make me feel special inside all the time . now 5761 (has been for months actually), exams started (Dean Hill's voice makes me Little extras like an occasional thoughtfu l really care if the year is 2000 or 2001, or and it is a good time to reflect on the past 5761, for that matter . Most really big so aroused I can't study). When I was done gift, compliment, and maybe a bit of poetry and on the future . failing my exams, I turned the radio bac k is icing on the cake. The whole dragon- changes take place over a considerable on. Turning to the Fox, `Vancouver's real dueling thing is optional . That's all I want. You have probably noticed that the world amount of time, even those changes which rock', I heard Eminem (what kind of nam e And wanting is as close as I'm getting to it. didn't end at the end of the millennium as are considered relatively quick. is that? M-E-Nem? Time to come out of th e Whatever, the point is that guys are suc h predicted, whether you take that to hav e Anyway, have a happy new year even if the closet, maybe then you won't be so pisse d idiots because they can't get this . been last year or this, but that's okay Jews think it happened back in September , off and so generally freaked-out) . Huh? I because we have another chance. Appar- the Mayans think it was before Christmas , Well then, I guess everybody's an idiot. ently the ancient Mayan calendar ends could stand a little Beastie Boys when they Um, except me . and the Chinese say it doesn't come for played them. They're halfway rock, an d sometime around Dec 21-23, 2012 o r another couple of weeks. It's all arbitrary kick ass; but not Eminem (he doesn't even ...And me too. Insanity and idiocity are 13.0.0.0.0 in Long Count. There seems to anyway. come close to rock). So I turned to X-Fm, two completely different things . -- Andy be a lot of disagreement on exactly what i s supposed to happen, but whatever hap-
Page Five THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 10 January 2000
An Entertaining and Informative week o f Science Relate d Activities !
Here's a Preview of Science Week Events : Monda Wednesda Frida 11:30 - 2:30 11 :30 - 2:30 11 :30 - 2 :30 Club Displays Club Displays Club Displays SUB Concourse SUB Concourse SUB Concourse All Day SUS Open House Rennings 102 12:30 12 :30 - 2 :30 Chemistry Magic Show SCIENCE OLYMPICS Chem B150 2001 . SUB South Plaza 4:30 - 7:00 4:30 - 7:00 Movie Night Beyond the B.Sc. Woodward IPC 2 Woodward Councourse Oki F, featuring: Also look out for h Dunk Tank, Paper plan e 31f Naked Contest, Bread Bing°Contest, LAN games, with Crowned King and Scavenger Hunt an ' any many more gat science LiveonRelease events! tix @ SUB Ticketmaster for details, see t4e HEW SU S website at: www.ams.ubc.ca/sus or
Page Six THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 1 0 January 2000 Hell Phones 10 1 ing against my very ticklish hipbone. D of F. So the next step was to page myself had a busy night ahead of me. Oktober- Kat Scotton Damn that's a ticklish spot. Cell phone s with my home number, hoping that some - fEUSt and clubbing with a friend. Mom have that fine feature, too . Please use it, one would pick it up and phone me. One could no longer kick me out of the family Neutering Fido you may enjoy it. If you saw the movie problem was that the pager was set o n again, well, at least not for the pager, and I Keeping the Faith, you would have see n vibrate. Hmm...not very loud. Oh well, I hadn't really missed the pager, so I won i n Jenna Elfman with her cell phone strapped gave it a shot. A few minutes later there the end. I had a good night out. think every cell phone user should have to the inside of her thigh, set on vibrate was still no response . I then phoned Safe- Back to cell phones, though. One new fea- to register for, and pass, a course o n [sigh, there's another phone, at least thi s walk to see if someone could go check th e ture on cell phones is an e-mail option. I cell phone etiquette before being one has a normal ring]. You would have bathroom across from The Gallery for me. . Read on and you'l l Now I do most of my e-mailing at night, admitted to UBC also seen Ben Stiller throw her cell phone I figured it may have fallen out of my pock - because that's when I have time. Then peo- understand why. in a garbage can. Priceless. et when I pulled my pants down, which it ple get mad because their cell phone rang I'm sitting here in my math class and just I mean do you really need to be in touch has done before, but I was a little mor e at 2 am and the message was longer than 15 minutes ago someone's cell phone wen t with people 24 hours a day? Sometimes I sober and actually noticed. No luck in the 500 characters, or whatever it is . I'm sorry, off. I can't stand it when that happens . get so annoyed with my pager that I just bathroom either . Son of a bitch . but use my e-mail to send informatio n People never remember to turn them off. want to throw it in a garbage can, too . At I couldn't seem to find the number for The without having to call someone . That way, And it is never a simple ring, no, no, it has least the people paging me know that they Gallery in the UBC directory, so I gave u p I assumed it wouldn't matter what time I to be some annoying jingle . Yes, I admit , must wait until it is convenient for me to for a bit, hoping that someone would call . I sent my e-mail, or how long the messag e cell phones are useful, but I just don't want phone them back, for example finding a turned on ICQ and chatted with my frien d was. Nope, wrong again, the ever increas- to be one of those cell phone toting zom- phone (well, most people understand th e Brian from UVIC for a bit and told hi m ing need to be in contact with people 24 bies I see all over campus, and very nearly pager concept, although there is a n about my pager. I then got the bright idea hours a day has ruined the use of e-mail for hit with my bike . I understand that many unnamed individual who paged me 7 tim e to take my headlight sized flashlight an d me. I don't even like people that much, students here are "responsible cell users, " in one hour ...). Why can't you be unreach- look for the pager outside where I had anyways. If I wanted to tell you something and I respect and thank you. But then able only 6 hours a day? Is it really that stumbled out of the very high van I ha d right away, I would call, hence the cell there are the OTHERS who give all cell hard to turn off a cell phone, or do you liv e been given a ride in . No luck there, either. phone, and if I have access to a computer t o phone users a bad name. You all know who in fear that once it shuts off, you will lose I then checked the phone book again fo r use e-mail, I most likely have access to a I am talking about. Sitting in Hebb Theatre your ability to breathe, eat, pump blood, phone. Therefore I will call. or even a small room in Buch (where I am the number to The Gallery and finally etc.? I don't need to hear Beethoven's found it. The next day I retrieved my pager. I invite everyone to smack the next perso n now), I'm sure you have heard those crap- Symphony #5 battling the Macarena an d tacular electronic beeping ditties that onl y It happened to be a Friday and I didn't pick who's cell phone goes off in the middle of the lecturer for domination over my Mat h it up until 4Pm, so if work paged (which your next midterm. Maybe I should start a small child could appreciate. Then you 100 class. will have inevitably watched as the Pro f they didn't) I wouldn't have been able to bringing my suction cup dart gun to class ... paused to wait until the device was shut of f Last week I actually did lose my pager . respond. Oh darn. I felt relieved because I After my karate class I went to The Gallery as 20 people looked at the person next t o for a few drinks with some of the other club them, looked at their bags, rummaged, an d members . A couple hours later it was time realized it was not theirs (or it was and tha t t to go home. When I arrived at my humble Dead Pool V person became red in the face and shut i basement suite, I reached for my pocket to off, hopefully) . Then there are the wonder- , check the time, but to my surprise, n o ful people that decide that [oh, hold on pager. Panic set in. Thoughts ran through there's another cell phone] their call i s Entry Sheet more important than [now there is some- my head like, "Oh man, mom's gonna kick e me out of the family again, that was my one behind me talking on the phone] th Christmas present, " and "Hmm.. . maybe Your name : class and will chat away, like the girl behind me laughing and talking in Can- now I might be free of the clutches of my Your e-mail address : tonese job paging me at the last minute for a Fri- . day shift 'til midnight ." I decided I'd bette r Your phone number: I own a pager. Yes, they make noise, too, try to find that pesky pager . but mine is set on vibrate . No, it is not First off, I checked my backpack. No luck Your entries: placed anywhere "special," just clipped in I my pocket. If my pager goes off in class it Checked all pockets of jackets and pants had with me . No luck. I know I had it with won't disturb anyone, except of course fo r r the slight jump I give when it starts vibrat- me because I had received a page from ou Dead Pool vers .5 : The Most Realisti c Death Yet!
a senior official in Saddam's government The Reaper said that he had never heard such crap and if the opposition was going to make up claims about his death, they could at least 150% Grimmer! plan some kind of assassination or some - are now into the brand new thing to get their facts straight. eginnings of a fresh millennium. And the Queen Mum isn't going any- bWho will die this year? Heck, who where, but her daughter may be. No, not is already dead? I know, asI am the Reaper the Queen. Princess Margaret has ha d and I have nothing better to do. some health problems in recent days so w e You'll remember that Pierre Trudeau die d may be losing one more member of th e in the last few months and, contrary to Royal Family. some pundits predictions, has not (yet) As we are a nation of morbid people, I'm risen from the stone crypt as a latter-da y sure we'll all keep watching the death list Saint. A few famous people died over the and the tabloids. I know I will . Non- Christmas Break, but I can't find my list o ' Denominational Deity bless you, and don' t Death right now so I'll resort to that ol d fear the Reaper . chestnut, my waiting list of those ready to kick off. If you know someone who die d Ipersonally believe that fate's hand may and who is on your list, email me at dead- take the following people much earlie r pool_432@hotmail .com to let me know. than might be expected, and would b e The Pope has Parkinson's disease . It's not fabulous choices for your deadpool list: . fatal in itself, but the body does shut down My 5 th Grade Teacher, My Boss tw o However, as tremors were seen as early a s y summers ago, the Cook on the boat I was 1990, and he's still around, one can onl on last January, my brother, the imbecile assume that the Big Guy has his hand in Registrar's Office clerk at Stanford for the pie and is keeping John-Paul around telling me `Jan. 15' as the deadline, as for a while. opposed to the Dec. 15' that it really was The Opposition in Iraq said that Sadda m and may loose me my grad school. And, Hussein had a stroke a week or so ago,. but of course, probably me too . -- Andy
.10 January 2000 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Seven Vox Populii
Back to business . The big issue for my going to be on Wednesdays at 3 :30pm in President portfolio this term is social space for us sci- Internan to rn a lI V i ee-P rez SUS (Hennings 102) . We will be helpin g kids. We are currently in discussion out with Science Olympics and Beyond Keri Gammo n with the administration over various loca - Reka Sztopa First Year during Science Week, as well as tions, but we want to know what you're organizing a first year dance later in the lcome back everyone . I hope that lcome back to another term of thinking . Ideas, suggestions, comments , term. ou had a great holiday and that UBC Science! I hope that every- your social space prophecies, whatever; Academic committee is also starting up, so one had a kick ass holiday . I write don't be shy. Yyou are ready for second term . I myself had a very short break and frankly any science student interested in helpin g to you from deep in the bowels of South Come by Hennings 102 and talk to us, o r give out teaching awards and organizing Western Ontario where I'm taking a bit of am already looking forward to Reading send me an email at kagammon@inter- Week. study sessions let me know. an extended holiday, getting all of my stu - change.ubc.ca. pidity out now before hitting the books fo r First Year Committee is starting up agai n Stayed tuned for Term 2 office hours, Sci - my last term at UBC . So hugs and kisses until next time, an d for this year, so if anyone is interested i n ence Week information and informatio n we'll see all of you at SCIENCE WEEK! helping out, email me . FYC meetings are about the upcoming Executive Elections i n the next couple of issues of The 432 ! Look for the SUS Sports Mascot, coming Sports Rep this term, you'll get along fine . you can access them under council docu- Sports rebates for term II, again, at th e Secretary ments at http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus. Sara Stamm end of the term, and NOT BEFORE!!! ! That way you can see exactly what it is that your SUS council discusses at Counci l Happy new year and Christmas, hope it all Sherry Yang lcome to the final term of this meetings... and maybe even take a sneak went well over the holidays . Everyone, Hope you all had an year all you crazies. Every semes- i peak at what we do with the blessed $12 excellent new year's . Guess what? ter I debate coming back, but I d o I can't wait for Reading Break. that you give us ! it for you . H For all you excited science students who've been dying to see the council min - Anyways, the last day for league registra- utes - they are now available for easy view- Good luck with the rest of the term ! tion WAS Friday the 5th, and now you've ing on the net! Thanks to our D of Pub . .. missed it. a hell of a deal here, (you should be much is going on with Senate and as I men - Social Coordinato r paying about $30 for a show like this) . Senator tioned today, the next meeting isn't for a Not to mention that you will be in the couple weeks. SUB Ballroom, a great small venue. So Tim Chan Katharine Scotton look at the bright side, small venue , great sound, wicked line up, and lots o f zzzzzzup. Urn, I don't really Tim bzzr. Tickets can be purchased from have much to say in this issue so lcome back! Here's what I have the SUS office, or at ticket master in the is it alright if I pass this time? Not lanned for you in the next cou- SUB, for a small service charge. We will ple weeks . Cold Fusion, baby, P also have a booth in the SUB during sci - that's where it's at! That fun event will b e ence week, were you can purchase you r on the 26th of January, to close off Sci- tickets, but get them fast, or else it will be 5CIEnCE Swag! ence Week (that's a Friday) . Cold Fusio n too late, this show should sell out . is huge bzzr garden featuring bands . This year I am proud to present to you, Bif I'd also like to mention that we will stil l Naked, with guests Crowned King an d be doing a weekly bzzr garden crawl o n LiveonRelease . Tickets are $18, an d Fridays, starting at 4 :32pm, from SUS. Kick-A ! before you start complaining about th e Have a great new term, and good luck, cost, I must mention that you are getting all.
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Page Eight THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 1 0 January 2000 Nothing Changes on New Year's Day ster you dread . touched on before. This is the source of all ly drab niche you suddenly find yourself Andy Martin And why will you, and all those around the problems. This is why the rainforest silently drowning in. you, fail? Well, this is a multifaceted doesn't get saved . This is why there is n o All because you can't keep your New answer. peace on earth. This is why you don't leav e Year's Resolution . N.Y. Dissolution First off, the magic of your resolution will it all behind to join the Peace Corps to So, you assume what appears obvious fade. It becomes out of season . Resolutions make what small, but actual difference one from this piece, that I don't make resolu- can make to make the world a better place . tions. Well, you're wrong, I do . But I know is the end of the most wonderful tim e are like tacky Christmas decorations and clothing at the department store . Proudly Instead, you are satisfied with your entry- mine are a sham. And, as I do with every- of year. Around the world, people of al l d thing that qualifies as dead air, I amus e a hung in the `impulse buying' section with level job, cell phone, hotmail account, an creeds, colours and nationalities shed . But accept your S.O.'s significant flaws. It's in myself and fuel daydreams that make my small, silent, anguished tear for the passin g $15.99 price tags during the season the day after New Year's, they fall to the our cultivated nature, and it takes a hell o f non-rock star, non-secret agent, non-bang- of another Nog Season . As the wells of a lot of effort and bravery to brake out o f ing Cameron Diaz existence a little more eggnog run dry for another to and a half bottom of the 99 cent pile where they wil l remain (they don't rot in anaerobic condi- our comfortable digital cocoon and mak e bearable. If you're gonna aim at all, aim months, the best prepared of us stockpil e t high. t tions) until next November 1st, when they something better of our existence. Effor supplies for the coming year. Yet, all of i and bravery we need to get up ,early on Sat - I resolve to make peace with my Aunt after will be in vain. The nog will slowly turn an d will be unearthed, scraped of mole dung, and be proudly displayed in the $16 .99 dis- urday to get a good place in line to fork disowning her after she disagreed with the fail into a semi-gelatinous mass of curdle d for the next Pearl Jam show. irrefutable fact that Metallica's `Master o f y play, to be snapped up by the mindles s over $40 and festering swill no better than Sunn . Comfortable apathy be-eth your God now. Puppets' is the greatest musical master- Delight, a corrupted mockery of it's forme r flock that is WalMart Shoppers Second of all, you are drunk . The decision Even if this piece does give you some sort piece of all time. I resolve to dig my way out beautiful self. of inspiration to change, you won't. of this meaningful search for `true love' an d Ah, the perfect metaphor for an article on what exactly your resolution will be i s made in an overly inebriated state on New You Won't. concentrate more on meaningless, ex - about New Year's resolutions. t You'll lose your resolve by the time yo u based relationships . I resolve to stop inten- At some point during your long and pros- Year's Eve. It's about as logical as the fac that restaurants want you to add up an d read Jay's italicized witty knock at my san- tionally passing gas in crowded elevators . I perous holidays, most of you probably . or manhood at the end of this text resolve to build that machine from `Ernes t d allocate a bill for a party of fourteen after ity, I.Q went along with the holiday tradition an . After a few box. (Tho' I do hope to plant the seed t o Goes to Camp' and use it to renegotiate my made some sort of well-meaning promis e three hours of `social' drinking New Year's spirits hit your central nervous break up a few `happy' relationships built Oceanography 410 mark. I resolve to sto p to yourself about something you will or upon mediocrity . Hee hee. ..'cuz I'm evil making fun of flipper babies and start mak- won't do to better yourself in the critica l system, your mouth's communication line s are severed from your cerebellum right and I don't like you.) ing fun of single mothers. I resolve to push eye of our Western society and its rathe r You will live a drone life . You will com- for world peace, as long as I can still smac k odd value system which nobody ever pay s down the integrative centre. Your mouth is alone and scared, and willing to make up plete your useless degree, wander throug h you upside the head when I feel the situa- attention to anyways . tion warrants it. I resolve to stop compen- d any story to get out of this frightening situ - a bunch of shallow relationships with th e Fools! You will see how utterly weak an most physically attractive people you can sating for other people's loser boyfriends . I pathetic you are in the face of.. .yourselves! ation. I, myself, have been heard to make oaths to topple the empires of Rome , attract, finally attaching yourself t o resolve to resolve . ..stuff. Done. What's That's right . You will not possibly succeed r next? . You will defeat Prince Rupert, and Chef Boyardee. Then I whichever you can stay with for over a yea in your self-betterment e once you're in the 27+ age bracket, ge t Did you know that `resolution' backward s yourselves . You will beat yourself like a sober up the next morning, walk to th nearest airport to buy myself a ticket back married (or not), pump out 2 .3 psycholog- is `No It U Loser'? Even if it wasn't smooth , teenage boy with his first Playboy. The ically and emotionally screwed up brats I had to fit that fact it somewhere. Hell, creeping apathy, increased by a structure- to Vancouver from whatever destination I thought looked pretty on the map the nigh t into an already overpopulated world, an d what better time than now ? less early January without midterms, ter m end up working a kinda, if-you-look-at-it- papers or any discipline, will cours e before, and begin writing apology letters. And I know, and am pained, that it wil l this-way, degree-related job . All the whil e Jay was unavailable for witty knock . through your veins and slowly crumple you never come to be. claiming to co-workers, who really don't Um...I just genrally suck. into the weight-gaining, elder disrespect- care, that you're better than the,pathetical- -- Andy ing, chain smoking socially repulsive mon- Thirdly, the apathy thing that's been
Crov%Tned King and LiveonRelease Friday, January 16th, 200 1 SUB Ballroom 8pm - 12am, Doors at 7 :30pm Tickets: $1 8 Purchase from Henn 102 or in the SU B Prested by the Science Undergraduate Society Must be 14 to enter