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Fleabag. Season 2. Ep. 2
(Therapist rubbing cream on forearms)
Therapist: Excuse me. I’ve got dry forearms.
Fleabag: Sure.
T: So why have you come to this session?
F: It was a birthday present from my father.
T: Is that a joke?
F: No.
T: It would be good not to make jokes in here just in case anything gets lost In humorous translation.
F: Oh, I don’t know if I can do that.
T: Is that a joke?
F: No.
T: Oh. Just try not to or make it very obvious.
F: Sure.
T: So why do think your father suggested you come for counseling?
F: I think because my mother died and he can’t talk about it. And my sister and I didn’t speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband. Because I’ve spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. I’m good at this. Although I don’t really do that anymore. 2
T: You close with your family?
F: We get on with it.
T: Do you talk?
F: God no.
T: Any friends?
F: Sorry?
T: Any friends?
F: Ummm. No. I don’t really have time for…well, I have a guinea pig but she blows hot and cold.
T: Tell me about the sex.
F: All of it?
T: You said you don’t do that now.
F: Oh no. I just play tennis now. Sex didn’t bring anything…good so I’m trying not to…but I’ve…
T: And what have you found in your abstinence?
F: Well, I’m very horny and your little scarf isn’t helping.
T: So the impulse is still there?
F: Ohhh yeah the…the impulse is…the impulse is very much still there. It’s just never the right person.
T: Mmm-hmm. So there is a particular person you’re not having sex with. 3
F: No…well, nothing’s happened. I just…. He’s not available.
T: In a relationship?
F: Yes…a bad one.
T: Hmmm. How so?
F: It’s the sort of relationship where one partner tells the other how to dress.
T: Are you In love with him?
F: (she laughs) No.
T: Why do you find that funny?
F: Well I lied…. I just…I don’t know.
T: Just not a romantic?
F: No.
T: Just a girl with no friends and an empty heart.
F: (shocked)
T: By your own description.
F: I have friends.
T: Oh…so you do have someone to talk to.
F: Yeah.
T: Do you see them a lot?
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F: Oh they’re always there. They’re…they’re always there. (chuckles)
T: Why do you find that funny?
F: Because I don’t need to be analyzed. I have a nice life. I just…I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money.
T: It’s a bit late for that now.
F: I’ve only been here five minutes. I want the money. I want to fuck a priest.
T: Catholic?
F: Yes.
T: A good one?
F: Yes.
T: Looks good in the…. Uh (gestures to her collar)?
F: Ummm yes.
T: I understand. Do you really want to fuck the priest or do you want to fuck God?
F: Can you fuck God?
T: Oh yes.
F: Just…just please tell me how to not fuck a priest before I get arrested.
T: Well, I don’t think fucking a priest will not make you feel as powerful as you think it will.
F: Can you just tell me what to do?
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T: You know. You already know what you’re going to do. Everybody does.
F: What?
T: You’ve already decided what you’re going to do.
F: So what’s the point in you?
T: You know what you’re going to do.
F: No I don’t.
T: Yes you do.
F: I don’t.
T: You do.
F: I don’t.
T: You do.
F: I don’t.