WORDS FROM THE WIZARD HEY - WELCOME FUND-RASING AT TARG TO THE HOUSE OF TARG! We are kicking off 2018 with WOW - December was absolutely bananas and our a couple of really cool charity January calendar is stacked!! Huge thanks to everyone events that will be mega fun in our community - your continued interest and support of TARG shows, & make a diff erence in our food and games is hugely appreciated - we couldn’t do it without you!! Check out this months PEROGRAM for details on upcoming TARG shows, community.... new arcade/pinball game arrivals and food specials - our WIZARDS are always working hard to serve you!! Let’s keep this wonderful city of ours SAT JAN 21 - LEMMY RE- fun, exciting and safe together - see you soon!! - Yogi REVISITED in support of the Phoebe Rose Rocks Foundation - whose mandate is to THE TARG STAFF XMAS PARTY support families who need to travel Sorry we were closed for a few days of this month but we took a much needed Wizard for treatment (more than 200kms) and break & even found time to celebrate the holidays with each other. Better late than to raise funds for childhood cancer never! research with a specifi c focus on diffi cult to treat and cure childhood We all shot each other with arrows at Archery Games. It was mega fun but everyone spent the next 3 cancers.… This PWYC by donation days complaining about body aches - what a work out! event features some of Ottawa’s fi nest musicians performing Lemmy’s Wizards Kevin & Mark put together an amazing home cooked spread at TARG. We are all fat now but it was (Motorhead) Greatest Hits - win win. yummy. UKRAINIAN NEW YEAR After Dinner all the wizards gathered at the giant table to scratch handmade TARG Staff Bonus lottery tix. Many Ukrainians still celebrate the Everyone magically won the same amount, probably because they are the best staff in the universe. THURS FEB 1 - MUSICABILITY “Old New Year”, or Orthodox New FUND-RAISER Year, which is on January 14 in The lead illustrator from Siraz Creative was on hand to brutally make fun of our noses through the magic A fund-raiser supporting people with the Gregorian calendar. Join us Old of caricatures. Check out the schnoz on Kitchen Manager Sammy - Too Funny. Then we played pinball & special needs featuring some amazing New Years Eve on SAT JAN 13 to ring video games for the rest of the nite... surprise, surprise. Good times. music by Wolf Irene + Good2Go it in with everyone’s fave Polka Party + Danielle Allard + The MusicAbility Band UKRAINIA + special guests THE Choir - a group that includes members REVERB SYNDICATE. Be sure to have of Family Harmonies Familiales day a TARG Vodka pickle shot to keep it programs, individuals with various legit! special needs (multiple disabilities, mental health, etc), as well as those Have an idea for a TARG Zine without diagnoses. Join us for this article? Maybe some artwork? amazing event for some good times & to learn more about this very creative Or maybe you need to get the & inspired community program. word out about your community organization, project or event? Get in touch with us [email protected] THE BEST WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME

N THE LONG TIME AGO OF 2003, AN UNKNOWN INDEPENDENT FILMMAKER WITH ASPIRATIONS OF IGREATNESS RENTED OUT A CINEMA FOR TWO WEEKS IN LOS ANGELES, WITH PLANS OF QUALIFYING FOR ACADEMY AWARDS CONSIDERATION. Although such aspirations might not be uncommon for an artist with lofty delusions of grandeur, in this one in a million case, the plans kind of paid off. The bizarre twist is that instead of an Oscar nomination, eccentric director/actor TOMMY WISEAU’s fi lm THE ROOM became widely reverse-acclaimed as the worst movie of all time.

The enjoyment of watching this cinematic train-wreck spread far and wide, and a cult of fans quickly grew. The Mayfair fi rst screened THE ROOM nearly nine years ago, starting an unexpected consecutive month marathon, a close association with TOMMY WISEAU and star GREG SESTERO, and a cameo appearance in the Golden Globes nominated (and likely soon to be Oscar nominated) behind-the-scenes bio-pic, THE DISASTER ARTIST. You can catch THE DISASTER ARTIST until January 18th, one of the best movies of 2017, especially impressive considering it’s inspired by one of the most terrible movies ever produced. And, yes, THE ROOM returns for an unbelievable 102nd consecutive month in February!

THE DISASTER ARTIST - Jan 13, 17 & 18 THE ROOM - monthly screening continues in Feb.

MAYFAIR THEATRE - 1074 Bank St. www.mayfairtheatre.ca #5. CHEAP WHINE - SELF- I’ve ever heard. Not a record to TITLED miss. LP out on Record Centre 13 deliciously dark pop-punk Records. tunes from members of Feral Trash, Steve Adamyk, and The Creeps. Reminds me of The Marked Men, Dark Thoughts and Ringers. LP released on Drunken Sailor.

#3. TIGHTLIP – DEMO MMXVII #8. UTRALOVE – DEMO Debut demo tape from these Fantastic 4 song debut demo absolute rippers. An onslaught featuring members of Split Guts, of 5 aggressive hardcore punk Moon Destroyer and The Rough jams featuring members of Sea. Ultralove bring you a sound ace – ‘No Mistakes In Space’ istance Earth’ / Sparklesaurus – ‘So Will End’ / Dark Plains – ‘00001’ that’s reminiscent to Ebullition at’ / Moonfruits – ‘Ste-Quequepart’

Dead Wife, Asile, Chloroform Red – ‘Potential Red’ / Ruth Grader

Records & Ottawa greats Space’ / Graven – ‘Jaybird’ Greathunter ’ / King Kimbit – ‘Life Lessons Poetically’

and more. – ‘I Scream Love’ / Bonnie Doon ‘Dooner Shotmaker, Okara, & Van Johnson. Great demo!

#6. PINE – PILLOW TALK

Mixing together haunting but emotive sounds that truly break the boundaries. These fi ve songs are incredible crafted, incredibly catchy. Love it. LP released on No Sleep.

#4. CODY COYOTE - #9. SLACK BRIDGES – JOY MAMAWI OF JOYS Mamawi (Ojibwe for All Exploring different sounds and Together) is 13 hip-hop tracks textures with 10 groovy-rhythmic- that inspire true reconciliation dance infused soul jams. They with understanding & love have an incredible chemistry and HONOURABLE MENTIONS for the indigenous people of incredible vibe. So good! , with Cody educating us on various topics related to indigenous culture, people, issues & struggles. Very #7. DEAD WEIGHTS - powerful & inspiring! MOUNTAIN ARRESTING

The second album from these – ‘For Sale’ Feels’ / Telecomo / The Suffering Booth – ‘Fuzzy Rock And Warm – ‘Tapas’ Right’ / Tapas #1. DURS COEURS - DUR #2. THE NEW CALLING – THE NEW CALLING local punks. This is the product DUR DUR of incredible dedication & hard Debut 12” featuring 7 catchy- Featuring members of The White work, & you can hear it. Melodic as-hell punk tunes that sit Wires, Bonnie Doon, Warped heartfelt punk rock with honest somewhere between Komintern Lines & Mothers Children. lyrics. Was on repeat when it Sect, R.I.P., Warrior Kids, 013 They write minimalist pop music that’s dark yet fun, and was released! #10. THE HEAVY MEDICINE & The Underdogs. Members of BAND - ERSATZ ERA Asile & Occult Burial. Loved it extremely catchy! 12” released 8 dreamy psychedelic, electric- – ‘Surprise’ / Nightshades ‘Nightshades’ No Fuss ‘LP1’ Mistakes In Sp / Mushy Gushy – ‘More Butter’ /Mystery Weekend by Subfi ction. – ‘Grow Up Already’ / Crusades ‘This Is A Sickness And eld – ‘The Mascot EP’ / Cool Kids Not You Nooner’ / Castlefi so much I co-released it with my / Loviatar – ‘Loviatar’ Mal/Aime ‘Moments’/ Monobrow ‘The Nacar / Longhouse – ‘II: Vanishing’ / Lake Urmia – ‘Wine Time’ / Ornaments – ‘Comearound/I’m The King’ Outside I’m A Giant ‘Point Comfort’ Positive Charge ‘Under Growth’ Potential – ‘Prey’ / H. de Heutz – ‘The Natural World’ / Her Harbour – ‘Go Gently Into The Night’ / Jeepz – ‘U4IA’ / Kimya – ‘Or & Flamme / Her Harbour – ‘Go Gently Into The Night’ Jeepz ‘U4IA’ – ‘Prey’ / H. de Heutz ‘The Natural World’ rock tunes. Keturah has one of the Area Resident – ‘Delano’ / Bearings ‘Nothing Here Is Permanent’ Bearshark ‘II’ Blank Sun ‘Black Sun’ Blve Hills / Expanda Fuzz – ‘The Last Of The Who Heads’ Fet.Nat ‘Gaoler’ Fly Downs ‘Pockets Out’ Galapagos ‘Potential label Crucial Records! most unique and incredible voices / Chris Landry & The Seasick Mommas – ‘One Fifty Five’ Slim N’ Popular ‘Minimum Rage’ Slow Dawn ‘Songs From A D Tunnels WELCOME TO THE SECRET UNIVERSES OF MY TOY COLLECTION. THURS FEB 1 - Family Harmonies Familiales, SAT JAN 20 - House of TARG, CHORD House of TARG present: A fund-raiser supporting Productions and Ashton Brewing present: people with special needs featuring WOLF GUTTER DEMONS w/sg GOAT! + THE DREADED IRENE + GOOD2GO + DANIELLE ALLARD + REBELS + WIRE CUFFS Since their unholy birth THE MUSICABILITY Choir a group that includes in 2001, GUTTER DEMONS have been tearing members of FHF day programs, individuals with A GUIDE TO ALL THE CONCERTS TAKING PLACE AT up the scene across Canada, USA and Europe various special needs (multiple disabilities, HOUSE OF TARG THIS JANUARY. with their intense stage shows, raucous rock n’ mental health, etc), as well as those without roll music, red-blooded Rockabilly roots, Punk diagnoses. ***POSITIVE VIBES*** and Heavy Metal potency and downright dirty FRI JAN 5 - House of TARG and Beaus All Natural are golden. Their live shows are as bright and musicianship. Quickly becoming Canada’s most FRI FEB 2 - House of TARG and Beaus All Natural present: 80’s DANCE PARTY w DJ REMI ROYALE + beaming as their outfi ts. ***DANCE PARTY*** recognized disciples of high-octane Psychobilly, present: 80’s DANCE PARTY w DJ REMI ROYALE + ROXXANE (tribute to THE POLICE) and JOANNIE AND they have gained a strong worldwide following RAPTURE (Live Tribute to BLONDIE + 80’s HITZ) THE JETT (tribute to JOAN JETT) THE 80’s DANCE SAT JAN 13 - House of TARG and Ashton playing their unique brand of mutant Rock n’ and PUNK ICED LOLLIES (Live Tribute to THE JESUS PARTY is back and everyone’s invited!! Dance Brewing present: UKRAINIAN NEW YEAR w/ roll. ***HIGHLY RECOMMENDED*** & MARY CHAIN) THE 80’s DANCE PARTY is back and the night away to all your 80’s favourite tunes UKRAINIA and special guests THE REVERB everyone’s invited!! Dance the night away to all brought to you by our very own wizard and DJ REMI SYNDICATE Their music holds the old country THUR JAN 25 - House of TARG, Spectrasonic your 80’s favourite tunes brought to you by our very ROYALE!! ***DANCE PARTY*** passions, but their sound is clearly 21st century. and Whitewater Brewing present: CLOSE own wizard and DJ REMI ROYALE!! ***DANCE Songs fuelled by the sweet breath of vodka are TALKER w/sg LANGUAGE ARTS + NIGHTTIME PARTY*** SAT JAN 6 - House of TARG, and Ashton Brewing intense to the edge of mania. Their music will IN KANSAS Wicked indie/rock bill brought to present: ELEMENTALS (EP release party) w/sg OLD light your spirit, lift your body and transport you by our friends at SPECTRASONIC - check SAT FEB 3 - Sitting On The Outside & Crucial JAMES + BIG LONELY + more!! Join us for a wicked you to another time in a surreal place – have it out!! Doors@8pm ***EARLY START/EARLY Recs Present: VOICE OF A GENERATION VOL night of rock action in Ottawa as we celebrate your passports stamped, you are entering FINISH*** 5: ULTRARAT (Mtl d-beat raw punk) + TORPOR the release of “Mother Nature And Her Bipolar UKRAINIA.***POLKA PARTY*** (Ott Punk) + CANSOC (Ottawa Punk/Hardcore) Tendencies” from our pals ELEMENTALS - the bill is FRI JAN 26 - House of TARG and Beau’s All + DOGMA (Ottawa Anarcho Punk) + MAMA stacked with talent, gonna be a super fun show!! WED JAN 17 - House of TARG and PBR present: Natural present: DARK GATHERING Industrial/ SHU and SATISFIED SHOULDERS spinnin’ punk ***ROCKN’ROLL*** SUPERMURGITROID Jazz Nite is back due to Goth Nite with nTTx (TO Industrial) + THE and hardcore wax on the turntables ‘til 2am! popular demand at House of TARG!!! F8-BIT are MARQUIS (MTL Post-Punk) + FINAL FALL (OTT ***Punk*** WED JAN 10 - House of TARG and PBR present: a cover band dedicated to classic console game Techno Noize) + DJ REVERIE. An evening PONY w/sg LUSH BUFFALO + SPARKLESAURUS themes. The quartet consists of some of Ottawa’s dedicated to underground music covering EVERY SUNDAY NITE 9PM-2AM 19+ - House Super stoked for the return of glitter/rock highest-scoring jazz players, who owe their darkwave, industrial, post punk & goth. of TARG and Collective Arts Brewing present: pals PONY headlining this great mixed rock/ quick fi ngers and epic grip strength to blistering Check out this wicked bill of live bands and TOUGHEN UP! w/DJ KJMaxx - Every Sunday night dreampop/garage bill - Early start/Early fi nish - rounds of Super Mario Kart as much as they do to all your favourite ebm/futurepop/synthpop/ DJ KJMAXX & Guests, spinning 100% vinyl arcade doors@8pm!! ***1$ off perogies every Wedesday music school. Expect to hear modern takes on the goth/industrial tunes played before/between/ jamz. Sleaze rock, Punk, Metal & retro electronic starting@5pm!!*** themes from PUNCHOUT, SUPER MARIO WORLD, after the bands with DJ REVERIE - keepin’ the tunes to provide the soundtrack to your highscore EXCITE BIKE, MEGA MAN, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA, dance fl oor moving all night long!! ***HIGHLY pursuits. All pins & vids are set to FREEPLAY mode THUR JAN 11 - House of TARG and Whitewater SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and many more of your RECOMMENDED*** from 9pm-2am for your unlimited arcade pleasure. Brewing present: THE KENTS w/sg HUTTCH + favourite classic console games. F8-BIT deliver ***FREEPLAY*** OLD MAN GRANT Check out this young band from a total K.O every time! Doors@8pm ***EARLY SAT JAN 27 - House of TARG and Ashton Lindsay, that have had their catchy, START/EARLY FINISH*** Brewing present: LEMMY RE-REVISITED! Here hooks compared to , we go again! Since the passing of Lemmy, we’ve , THE KILLERS AND KINGS OF LEON. “... THUR JAN 18 - House of TARG and Whitewater held tribute shows to celebrate his life and high energy power pop!” - Exclaim! Doors@8pm Brewing present: T-REX MARATHON w/sg legacy. They’ve been overwhelmingly successful ***EARLY START/EARLY FINISH!!*** PARLIAMENT OWLS + MILHOUSE. A mixed so we’re doing it again! FEATURING all your VISIT bill of post hardcore, math rock & post rock. fave Lemmy tunes performed by: MONÖBROW, WWW.HOUSEOFTARG.COM FRI JAN 12 - House of TARG and Beaus All Doors@8pm ***Early start/Early fi nish*** SLUMLÖRD, MOTÖRMOUTH (members of OLD Natural present: THE PEPTIDES w/sg MALAK JAMES/ASILE/GLORIOUS MOONROCKETS) FOR TUNES VIDEOS AND MORE They’re a well-oiled Where’s Waldo? Rube Goldberg FRI JAN 19 - House of TARG and Beaus All EAGLESON, XANADÜ (Hamilton), SLIM AND machine of colourful lightening strewn with silk, Natural present: FIVE KNUCKLE CHUCKLE w/sg PÖPULAR, GÖAT, LEFTY AND THE KILLMÄSTERS DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF soul and funk! They’re the Warhol painting you’ve POSITIVE CHARGE + DANCING ON FIRE + THE Proceeds from this event going to: THE PHOEBE THESE EVENTS. never seen hanging on the bridge of a shimmering SUFFERING BOOTH Join us for a stacked punk/ ROSE ROCKS FOUNDATION ***CHILDHOOD disco starship about to enter your atmosphere skate/power/pop show brought to you by our good CANCER RESEARCH FUND-RAISER*** in rainbow warp drive. They are stardust. They pals at BEAUS!! ***GUARANTEED FUN*** escapes through the bottom, you will lose a life.

For the coloured blocks, when hit, a colourized capsule will fl oat down towards the vaus. You must try to catch the item in the capsule to “customize” your paddle. A blue capsule will expand the vaus, a red one will turn your vaus.into a shooting item, which means you can shoot down the remaining blocks to clear the level. Other coloured capsules include green (grab), a dark grey (extra man), orange (slows dot down) & a pink one that allows you to escape the level even if you haven’t cleared it. The silver blocks do not have any capsules in them, and must be hit about 2 or 3 times to be destroyed.

Finally, on some levels, you’ll encounter some gold bricks. THESE CANNOT BE DESTROYED! You’ll need some timely hitting & bouncing to escape these. Puzzle games have always been a mystery to gamers like myself, and Arkanoid is one Class dismissed! Happy New Year, gamers! of them. This block game was created from the foundation of Atari’s Breakout (and SuperBreakout as well), and established new puzzle game entrees like Tetris (1988), Off The Wall (1991), and Stacker (2005). Arkanoid released a conversion kit called Blocks, and while the games are similar in playing mode, both will delight and please any puzzle gamer. The object here is simple: destroy all of the coloured and silver blocks and move to the next stage. The player is equipped with a playing paddle known as a vaus. With the vaus you keep a white dot on the playing fi eld while striking as many blocks as you can. If the white dot EVER WONDER HOW VIDEO GAME MAKER MIDWAY MANAGED TO RECRUIT SATAN TO DO THE VOICE ACTING IN MORTAL KOMBAT 1. JONZUN CREW - SPACE IS THE PLACE (‘83) II? TRICK QUESTION - THE OMINOUS VOICE BEHIND THE ICONIC 2. KRAFTWERK - SPACELAB (‘78) PHRASE “FINISH HIM” DOES NOT BELONG TO A DEMON BUT RATHER TO 3. BONEY M. - NIGHTFLIGHT TO VENUS (‘78) A GOD… A PINBALL GOD NO LESS. 4. MECO - MOONDANCER (‘79) Legendary pinball designer Steve Richie, the creator of more pinball machines 5. DEE D. JACKSON - GALAXY POLICE (‘78) than anyone else in pinball history, also happens to be the guy who sends 6. CHARLIE - SPACER WOMAN (‘83) shivers down you spine with the games starting imperative “Round 1… FIGHT!”. 7. DROIDS - THE FORCE (‘77) So how did the most important man in pinball get trapped inside a video game 8. SPARKS - NO. 1 SONG IN HEAVEN (‘79) cabinet? Well fi rstly Ritchie was no stranger to the voice over scene. Not only 9. PLASTIC BERTRAND - TOUT PETIT LA PLANÈTE (‘79) did he design the games boards for some of the most iconic pinball machines of 10. GIORGIO - FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (‘77) all time, but on several occasions, he went the extra mile to lend his killer voice anytime a bad dude was needed… does the phrase “I am THEE Black Knight” 11. SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNICK - SHOOT IT UP (‘86) ring a bell? He had the vocal chops but time & place had a lot to do with this 12. WAR - GALAXY (‘77) match made in Hell. As he was designing pinball games on one fl oor the Mortal 13. FUNKADELIC - COSMIC SLOP (‘73) Kombat team worked on another fl oor within the same building, so he got 14. APOLLO - ASTRO DISCO (‘79) hauled into the studio to lay down some bone chilling narration - the rest is history. 15. ROCKETS - COSMIC RACE (‘78)

Sure, uttering “FATALITY” like no other deserves high cultural reverence but Mr. Ritchie’s greatest contribution is the shear number of kick ass pins he has designed between 1974 - present… many of which have been on location at TARG over the past 4 years - including: AC/DC, High Speed, Rollergames, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Gilligan’s Island, Star Trek: The Next Generation (no need for his voice acting on that one cause Patrick Stewart was on hand) & Game of Thrones just to name a few. Here’s to Steve Ritchie for being so prolifi c & having such a frightening voice. out for all those Galactic Imperial is tricky. It can end up being Credit scams. May the force be with almost as much effort as actually you, BetterME2018 looking for a job. When you’re playing Call Of Duty make it look like you’re writing your resume or applying for a job or something. Dear Tom: My girlfriend is always hassling me to better #3 - As a last resort, you can try myself and improve my mind actually improving yourself. Start and all that shit. She’s tired of with the small stuff - brushing your me lying around all day. She teeth, bathing regularly, treating wants me to look for a job and her with respect and then SLOWLY start ‘contributing’. DAMN! Now move up to the bigger things like I have to come up with a bunch getting a job and pitching in on Dear Slo’ Tom: For my New of baloney about how I’m gonna the rent. Year’s resolution I’ve decided turn over a new leaf and stuff... to get in shape! I’m going to and it’s gotta be believable if You never know SofaBoy, you start eating better, exercise she’s gonna fall for it! I read might kinda like the new you! regularly, and maybe even go your column every month, Tom! to a gym! Whaddaya think? You always come up with good Hey T-man: u got good ideas ideas - you gotta help me make Signed – BetterME2018 for the newyears resolushuns? up some crap to get her off my I could use sum. - NoIDEAS DEAR BETTERME2018: You’re going back! I’ll never maintain my about this all wrong! I don’t wanna demanding Call Of Duty schedule start giving advice like some kind if I’m working the fry pit at DEAR - NOIDEAS: Here’s some of half-baked cosmic Dr. Phil, but Harvey’s! I’m running out of time, suggestions: Why don’t you fi nd something better to do than it’s obvious that your problem is Tom! Please help - SofaBOY not with being fi t and healthy - your bug me with your idiotic advice problem is with your confi dence requests? Perhaps you could DEAR SOFABOY: Wow, yeah, I feel for and self image! For cryin’ out loud spend some time learning to use you, man. There’s no bummer like BetterME2018, it’s not your body spellcheck or fi guring out how to a sweet free ride being shut down. - it’s your mind! What would Yoda construct a sentence! A remedial You’re gonna have to come up with say? “Accept and love WHO YOU grammar lesson or two might a real good sales job to fool her into ARE, you must do!” What that help. But let’s face it, NoIDEAS, thinking you’re improving yourself. Ok, little muppet freak means is that if realistically there might not be here’s what you’ve gotta do: you feel bad about yourself it won’t too much you can do to better matter how many laps you do on an yourself. No offense, but the term #1 - Take her out to dinner. This will eliptical trainer or how much low-fat “polishing a turd” comes to mind. make her think she’s ‘special’ and that yogurt you cram down your gullet, Happy 2018, NoIDEAS! you ‘care’ and that you’re listening “hate yourself you will”. Get it? So to her and serious about improving forget about your health and your yourself. It’ll buy you a little time. body. Concentrate on your mind and soul! And whatever you do, watch #2 - Pretend to look for a job. This PISCES but doing will bring you much LIBRA (FEB. 19 - MARCH 20) reward... unless your intention (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22) Approach January with extreme is to be rewarded twice as much Astrological forces are in sync caution. Lunar forces will as your small deed & generate a with your sign this month & pure interfere with your ability to profi t, in which case your tactics luck is on your side. In the near keep track of your personal are far more advanced than what future you can expect to witness possessions. You lost your the stars can provide. a totally hilarious video clip on wallet twice last month and your America’s Funniest Home Videos keys the month before that. CANCER involving a piñata and a toddler Dude, you don’t need ZOLTARG (JUNE 21-JULY 22) bagging an adult with a plastic to tell you that you will misplace Nice astrological sign on ya. bat. January is a great time to be something very soon. Talk about being born under a you. bad star. Your sign is a crab? ARIES ZOLTARG thinks you could use SCORPIO (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) a drink. Hail an Elixir Wizard (OCT. 23-NOV. 21) An old friend or family member pronto. A life changing event will take will give you some advice: pull place on an undisclosed date down your pants and slide on the LEO and it might make things better ice. Not very useful wisdom but (JULY 23 - AUG. 22) or worse for you. Not much to go take it as a sign that January is Call your friggin’ parents already. on eh? Well that’s what you get a good month for you to master They are worried sick about for being so vague when ordering the game ICE COLD BEER. you and want to know what pizza with a group. “Oh I like all the hell you have been doing the toppings, it doesn’t matter TAURUS with your life. Take some time to me… oh, except mushrooms CAPRICORN (APRIL 20-MAY 20) out of your “busy” schedule and …”. Stop it. You are driving (DEC. 22 - JAN. 19) The key to winning is to cross and indulge them with your ZOLTARG crazy. Expect minor health issues the the fi nish line fi rst, but the art of recent accomplishments. They morning after your birthday: dry failing is to be the fi rst to laugh will be delighted to hear about SAGITTARIUS mouth, puffi ness about the face, at yourself. Stop being so lame your TETRIS high score and (NOV. 22 - DEC. 21) slow thinking, upset stomach and and try new things. Sure you will that your disappearing quarters Keep everything you do out in a giant headache. screw up but who cares? Play have prevented you from doing the open to avoid being accused. SPACE INVADERS - the most laundry for the past 2 months. Remember whoever smelled it AQUARIUS diffi cult game in the arcade. It dealt it & whoever deny it supply will get you fully acquainted with (JAN. 20 - FEB. 18) VIRGO it. Don’t get caught downwind losing and allow you to master Your Aquarius horoscope for (AUG. 23 - SEPT. 22) of controversy, eat slower, drink this month is both happy and defeat. Slow down, you move too fast. more water between meals & lay sad. ZOLTARG is happy that you Take some time to smell the off the dairy. are reading it, and sad that you GEMINI tulips… well those don’t bloom are going to fi nish this useless (MAY 21-JUNE 20) for another for a few more passage while shaking your head. The smallest good deed is better months so you will just have to Hey TARG Zine is free - what did than the grandest intention. settle for the myriad of olfactory you expect? Intending will get you nowhere delights off ered by OCtranspo.