“ALLOW LIFE TO BE JUST AS IT IS” —Tara Brach

Clinical psychologist and mindfulness coach Tara Brach has known hardships: a mother who struggled with addiction, a miscarriage and a painful chronic illness. These difficulties, however, led her to find mindfulness, which has changed her life and helps her to help others. “My earliest memories of being clarity, “two carloads of when she was in Amsterdam She shares her insights in her book True Refuge. happy are playing in the ocean,” friends and family members and spoke with her about her writes clinical psychologist took off for the beach without early life, her influences and and internationally recognized me… I felt ripped apart by her hopes for the future. mindfulness teacher Tara grief and loneliness.” Tara Brach was born in New Brach at the beginning of True Brach writes that she had Jersey, the oldest in a family of Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in had to learn how to live her four children. Her father was a Your Own Awakened Heart. “When life again—and even to love her lawyer and her mother stayed our family began going to Cape life, “no matter what.” home with the kids. She was Cod in the summer, the low That was the moment that brought up as a Unitarian, a piney woods, high dunes and she began her search for a Christian theological move- wide sweep of white sand felt philosophy of living or, as she ment that is quite open-minded like a true home. We spent puts it, “for a place of peace, and accommodates a wide range hours at the beach, diving connectedness and inner of understandings of God. into the waves, bodysurfing, freedom, even in the face of “One of my first memories practicing somersaults under- life’s greatest challenges.” She was being with my family water. Summer after summer, calls that place “true refuge,” when I was about eight years our house filled with friends and she discovered that, old,” says Tara. “It was Easter, and family—and later, with through mindfulness practices and we were camping in the spouses and new children. It and meditation, she was able to Blue Ridge Mountains. My was a shared heaven.” find it. Now, she writes, even parents hid eggs outside and That heaven became tainted when she has encountered my two sisters and my brother for Brach later in her life, major loss—the death of her and I were hunting for them. when a chronic genetic illness father or the decline of other At one point, I walked off a seriously damaged her motor loved ones, for example—she little and I had a view of the skills so that she was no longer can find this true refuge within mountain. I remember it was able to walk on sand or swim her heart and mind. one of my first consciously in the ocean. One morning, Journalist Clementine van meditative moments. I was she recalls with heartbreaking Wijngaarden met with Tara thinking: ‘I love beauty.’

52 _ Mindfulness _ 53 went to work for the National high and happy that I decided was in the community, too. But love me had turned on me Council of Alcoholism; it I wanted to make this a lifestyle she often felt that something with such rage.” became her life’s work. “For and see how far it could go.” wasn’t quite right for her about That was the turning point me, her alcoholism has been the lifestyle. “It wasn’t really a for Tara. “At that point, my very defining,” says Tara. LIFE ON THE ASHRAM balanced or integrated state,” eyes finally opened,” she says. “Some part of me felt the need After college, she joined an she says. “As soon as I was She and her husband left and to save my mother, and the fact ashram led by Yogi Bhajan— outside the ashram or in the moved to Washington D.C. that I wasn’t able to made me or Harbhajan Singh Khalsa, a company of strangers, I felt as There, she completed a doctor- feel guilty. So that was probably Pakistani spiritual leader and stressed and ill-at-ease as I had ate in psychology, taught yoga what led me toward becoming entrepreneur—which was part done before.” and established a clinical It was the first experience a psychologist. I was very tuned of the 3HO (Healthy, Happy, But she tried to continue to practice in psychology. where I felt there was some- in to people and their emotions. Holy Organization) Founda- find her way in the ashram, thing larger that I belonged Especially when a woman was in tion, with over 300 centers in hoping to spend her whole life FINDING BUDDHISM to.” trouble. At first I wanted to fix 35 countries. Tara joined the there. Then, she fell pregnant. That’s also when she started to Tara’s mother suffered from them. I had to outgrow that as community, first in Massa- “My husband and I decided to read a lot about Buddhism. “I depression, and though she a therapist.” chusetts and then in Virginia, go with our teacher to a month- went to a Buddhist retreat, and was a loving, respectful and When she left home to go to and remained there for ten long yoga gathering, which was on the second day I remember kind mother, as Tara college, Tara experienced her years, practicing Kundalini held in the desert,” she told thinking: ‘Wow, this can carry remembers, she drank a lot, own feelings of inadequacy; yoga and meditation, and Inquiring Mind magazine in 2003. me for the rest of my life,’” she perhaps to escape her emo- she didn’t feel she was a good observing the Sikh religion. “While I was there, I ended says. “These teachings are so tional troubles. “She wasn’t enough daughter or friend. She took a vow of celibacy and up having a miscarriage. I deep, this meditation practice the kind of alcoholic who got She struggled with her weight, entered into an arranged sent a message to my teacher is so powerful. What it did for drop-down drunk, but she and always had the lingering marriage, as was the required telling him what had hap- me: it shifted me from striving drank steadily and she was feeling “something is wrong practice. She wore all-white pened and wondering if the to accomplish something to cheerless and anxious, and she with me.” She went on self- garb and a turban. hot sun and exercise may have really resting in awareness struggled with her emotions,” improvement kicks, but they’d She threw herself completely contributed. I didn’t hear from that simply notices and holds recalls Tara. “My father didn’t only help for a little while and into the experience, waking up him until three days later when in great kindness the life of necessarily realize it, though then she’d fall back into her each morning at 3:30 a.m. to I went to the daily gathering— the moment.” he got irritated when she had old self-consciousness. pray and chant for hours. hundreds of us under a big This was the beginning of a second or third drink at “One day, I started to do “I had the idea that if I kept tent. He asked me to stand up her real education in Insight dinner. I was always aware of yoga,” she says. “Down the practicing yoga and meditation and then he angrily berated Meditation, another word for the tension that came up street, they taught a vigorous I’d be liberated in six years or me, telling me I had never mindfulness, which she started around her drinking. She was form of yoga, Kundalini. It so,” she says. “I would be totally wanted to be a mother, I was to explore more avidly. Then what they would call a ‘high- put me in touch with some- free. I was so driven to be a good too ambitious in my work as a her teaching took a whole new functioning alcoholic;’ people thing I was looking for. After yogi. But I was striving. I was therapist and that it was my direction. from the outside would have a short while I went to a big what they call a Type A yogi.” fault I had miscarried. It was “One night I told my yoga seen a pretty normal family.” yoga gathering out in Mexico There were moments of the most humiliating and group: ‘Instead of yoga, we’re When Tara was 17, her in the desert for ten days. I transcendence in this way of painful experience I’d ever going to do some Buddhist mother did a twelve-step was doing yoga every day and life, she says, and she developed had. Somebody that I really meditation; whoever wants program and after that she by the end I felt so good, so a therapeutic practice while she wanted to appreciate me and to stay can,’” she says.

For more information about Tara’s mindfulness community, the 54 _ Mindfulness Insight Meditation Community of Washington, go to imcw.org _ 55 Excerpts from Tara Brach’s “True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart”

RAIN: CULTIVATING MINDFULNESS R: Recognize what is happening IN DIFFICULT TIMES A: Allow life to be just as it is “Imagine that you just found out that your child I: Investigate inner experience with kindness “They all did, and this group was suspended from school. N: Non-identification of 15–20 people has grown to Imagine that your boss just told you to start over become a big community.” on a report you’d worked on for a month. GETTING HOLD OF YOUR WORRIES That community was the Imagine you just realized you’d been on Facebook Cultivating an alert and friendly relationship basis of the Insight Meditation for three hours and have finished off a pound of with your “Top-Ten Hits”—the issues and themes Community of Washington, trail mix in the process. that regularly take over your mind—is the begin- an organization that now has Imagine your partner just confessed to an affair. ning of awakening from their grip. about 50 teachers and thou- It’s hard to hang out with the truth of what we’re sands of participants. Tara feeling. We may sincerely intend to pause and be For several days keep a journal where you identify continues to teach her classes, mindful whenever a crisis arises, or whenever we and record your primary areas of obsessive which are now attended by feel stuck and confused, but our conditioning to thinking. This might include obsessing about: approximately 300 people now—even if it’s a conflict with would have adored each other. react, escape or become possessed by emotion is each week. a partner or a worry about one They share the same quick very strong. - How someone (people) are treating you “When I began with the of your children, no matter sense of humor.” Yes, there are times when being present feels - Mistakes you are making; ways you are Buddhist meditation, I started what it is— this wish puts a And then came a terrible jolt: out of reach or too much to bear. There are times falling short to see the trance of unworthi- bigger space around it.” Tara learned that she had a when false refuges can relieve stress, give us a - What you need to get done ness more clearly,” she says, Tara and her first husband, genetic disease of her connec- breather, help lift our mood. But when we’re not - What others are doing wrong “and I started to recognize that from the ashram, had a child tive tissue that would make her connected to the clarity and kindness of presence, - Your worries about another person the stories I had been telling named Narayan, when she was less and less mobile over time. we’re all too likely to fall into more misunder- - How you look myself—that I was believing— 32. When he was five years old, “This has been a loss of standing, more conflict and more distance from - Symptoms of being sick; what your were not true. This form of the couple separated and Tara something really important to others and our own heart. symptoms mean meditation also taught me to was a single mother for 12 me,” she says. “At the time, I About twelve years ago, a number of Buddhist - What you can do about a relationship problem contact what was going on in years. “That’s a long stretch of felt like I was worthless, espe- teachers began to share a new mindfulness tool - How you want someone (people) to change my body and really open to it time,” she says. “Sometimes I cially in my relationship with that offers in-the-trenches support for working - What is going to go wrong and to stay present in a way, was dating or in a relationship, Jonathan. We’d only just met… with intense and difficult emotions. Called RAIN - What has already gone wrong rather than getting lost in the but most of the time I was not. It was a really big thing, and (an acronym for the four steps in the process) it - How you need to change storyline. I could begin to be There was a part of me that was the prayer (‘May whatever can be accessed in almost any place or situation. - Something you are craving at home with the actual always thinking: life would be arise serve the awakening of It directs our attention in a clear, systematic way - Something you really want to happen changing experience of the better in a relationship, but a wisdom and compassion’) that cuts through confusion and stress. The steps - Something you really wish were different” moment.” part of me said: I’m living life didn’t kick in right away. First, give us somewhere to turn in a painful moment, Through her readings, she and it’s good, it’s just the way I tried all the false refuges: and as we call on them more regularly, they Once you have your list, select three to five discovered a Buddhist prayer it is.” How can I fix this, what am I strengthen our capacity to come home to our obsessions that you know regularly take over that has become a mantra for She didn’t meet “the love of doing wrong? I want to get rid deepest truth… your mind and trap you in anxiety, shame, her: “May whatever arise serve her life,” current husband, of this; I don’t want this.” anger or discontent. Find a name that describes the awakening of wisdom and Jonathan, until just after her In True Refuge, Tara defines a Here are the four steps of RAIN presented in the each of these obsessions—several words that are compassion.” That prayer has 50th birthday: “We met six process of cultivating mind- way I’ve found most helpful. simple, easy to remember and not derogatory— served to get her through some months after my father died. fulness in difficult times. She and write them down on page 59. very difficult times. “If you One of my great sorrows is that learned it from several teachers, have that as your wish, whatever my father and my husband and it’s known as RAIN: an is going on in your life right never got to meet, because they acronym for the four steps

56 _ Mindfulness _ 57 Things I sometimes (or often) worry about:

better. These days, she says, “I’ve learned to help them to find their own inner healer.” My Top 5: She continues, “The power

of mirroring goodness has CARMENZOMERS@YVESROCHER 1. become a central theme in my life and teachings. For parents, for all of us, the greatest gift we can give to another person 2. one has to take to be at peace the ‘normalness’ of struggle,” is to remind them of what is with life’s hardships. R: rec- says Tara. “In my teaching, I loveable and trustworthy and ognize what is happening. use examples from my own pure about who they are. A: allow life to be just as it is. life and I don’t try to hide When we start to see that 3.

I: investigate with kindness anything. But in fact, I’m less goodness—the sacred essence STYLING ARIENS CHANTAL (or “direct a more focused at- interested in the story of the in each human—it allows tention to your present expe- personal drama, and more compassion to flow freely.” rience”), and N: non-identi- interested in what we can For her own life, bringing 4. fication: rest in natural learn from it.” these principles to bear and awareness, or realize that your Tara is also quite candid accepting her own physical PHOTOGRAPHY sense of who you are “is not about what it was like to be a limitations has become a key fused with or defined by any single mother to her son to opening up to others. 5. limited sense of emotions, sen- Narayan, and some of the Coming to find that “true

sations or stories.” struggles she had raising him refuge” she so desperately SIEGAL NINA Part memoir and part self- mostly alone. “I think bringing craved when her family went help book, True Refuge is her him up was an amazing and off to the beach without her own interpretation of the humbling training in mind- was a long process, but one three classic Buddhist paths fulness and heartfulness,” she that ended in a joyful life. ADAPTATION to freedom: truth, love and says. (Heartfulness is a form of “I had to open to the grief, awareness. As well as walking compassionate mindfulness, tell myself: ‘OK, this is loss,’” For the next week or two as you move through the day, try into your body and ask what it is feeling. Is there tension in readers through the process of where you pay attention to Tara says. “That was the to notice when you are caught in one of these pre-identified your chest? Knots in your stomach? Numbness? Pressure? using Insight Meditation, or your body’s sensations). “It was moment I finally started to obsessions. When you become aware that you are circling in Are you aware of fear? Anger? Anxiety? Craving? Breathe mindfulness, to get through much easier to be helpful with accept it. It opened me up and this obsession, mentally whisper its name and pause. with whatever sensations or emotions are there, sensing the difficult times, she also shares students and clients because softened me, brought me In the moment of identifying an obsessive thought, the most energy that underlies obsessive thinking. some of her own experiences, of that experience.” more presence and allowed important thing to do is offer a non-judgmental, friendly quality Do not try to change the feelings you encounter in any way. of attention to your experience. In fact, the friendlier the better! Rather, just offer them a respectful, wallowing presence. De- which is something she does Tara says she’s become a me to be better able to serve Gently remind yourself that the thought is “real but not true.” pending on your situation, this step of attending to your feelings in live talks and meditation much different teacher and others. The thing is: although Honor that this is a moment of awakening, of stepping out might take thirty seconds to a minute. Then, take a few full workshops, too. clinical psychologist over the I practiced meditation for of virtual reality and into the actuality of what is here. In that breaths, relaxing with each out-breath, and resume your daily “I’ll talk about my mother’s years, too. Originally, she years, I couldn’t use the WIJNGAARDEN VAN CLEMENTINE spirit, take a real interest in what is happening inside you. activity. Notice the difference between being inside the virtual alcoholism, the miscarriage says, she had the idea that she prayer prematurely. I first had You might feel the inflow and outflow of breath as you check reality of an obsession and being awake, being here and now. and my own illness because I wanted to “fix” people, or to live it. Thankfully, it’s

hope it will help people see help change them for the going much better now.” ● INTERVIEW

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