The Assimilation of In-Laws

THE ASSIMILATION OF IN-LAWS: THE IMPACT OF NEWCOMERS ON THE STRUCTURATION OF FAMILIES A Dissertation presented to the Faculty of the Graduate School University of Missouri - Columbia In Partial Fulfillment Of the Requirements for the Degree Doctor of Philosophy by CAROLYN M. PRENTICE Dr. Jon A. Hess, Dissertation Supervisor JULY 2005 The undersigned, appointed by the Dean of the Graduate School, have examined the dissertation entitled. THE ASSIMILATION OF IN-LAWS: THE IMPACT OF NEWCOMERS ON THE STRUCTURATION OF FAMILIES Presented by Carolyn M. Prentice A candidate for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy And hereby certify that in their opinion it is worthy of acceptance. ii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Just as it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to produce a dissertation, particularly a qualitative project. I gratefully acknowledge the following people for their support, encouragement, participation, guidance, and friendship. First of all, my 42 participants who so eagerly participated and shared their life experiences with me. I am humbled by their generosity, without which it would have been impossible to do this research. My committee members, Dr. Debbie Dougherty, Dr. Loreen Olson, Dr. Michael Kramer, and Dr. Barbara Townsend, who provided good advice, guidance, and support. Each one of them made important contributions to my scholarly perspectives and this research. My advisor, Dr. Jon Hess, who encouraged me to go with what interested me, gave good clear advice, read multiple drafts, and maintained a cheerful, helpful attitude throughout the process. My friend Hyun-Kyung Youm, who so energetically recruited participants for my study and engaged me in helpful conversation about qualitative research, as well as kept me going with friendship, food, and song. And finally, my husband Jerry Prentice, who shared it all with me, supported me in all my choices, endured all my vicissitudes, and generously made it all happen. Thanks so much for always being there. iii TABLE OF CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ……………………………………..………. ii LIST OF FIGURES ………..………………………………………..….... vi ABSTRACT ……………………………………………………………. vii Chapter 1. INTRODUCTION ……………………………………………... 1 Rationale Purpose of this Study Importance of this Study 2. LITERATURE REVIEW ……………………………………. 13 Comprehensive Studies of In-Law Relationships Theoretical Foundations Dynamics of In-Law Relationships 3. METHODOLOGY AND METHODS ……………………….. 52 Hermeneutic Phenomenology Participants Data Collection Questions Conducting the Interviews Transcribing the Tapes Data Analysis Verification iv 4. FINDINGS …………………………………………..……….. 73 Research Question One: Communicating Norms and Routines to Newcomers Research Question Two: Specific Communication Routines Needing Adjustment Research Question Three: Newcomers’ Perceptions and Responses Research Question Four: Change in Communication Routines and its Repercussions Theoretical Analysis—Structuration Research Questions Five and Six: Dialectical Tensions and Their Management Theoretical Analysis—Dialectical Tensions Problematic Relationships 5. DISCUSSION ………………………………………………. 173 Summary/Overview Contributions to Knowledge about In-Law Relationships Implications for Communication Theory Intersection of the Two Theories: An Exploration of\ Otherness Resonance with Other Communication Theories Practical Applications Strengths of the Study Limitations Directions for Future Research REFERENCES ………………………………………………..……… 203 v APPENDIX ………………………………………………….….……. 211 Interview Schedule ………………………………………...… 211 VITA ………………………………………………………………..… 220 vi LIST OF FIGURES Figure Page 1. Pseudonyms, demographics, and relationships of participants …… 217 vii THE ASSIMILATION OF IN-LAWS: THE IMPACT OF NEWCOMERS ON THE STRUCTURATION OF FAMILIES Carolyn M. Prentice Dr. Jon Hess, Dissertation Supervisor ABSTRACT In this study, 42 participants (including newlyweds, parents of newlyweds, and siblings of newlyweds) were interviewed about their relationships with their in-laws. Most of the participants reported that they liked their in-laws and wanted to maintain good relationships with them, while only four of the participants reported problematic in- law relationships. However, participants reported differing levels of discomfort with their in-laws when their routines differed for everyday life, holiday celebrations, religious practice, gift-giving, and interpersonal interactions. Families rarely communicated their routines directly. Instead they continued with their everyday routines and expected the newcomer to fit in. The newcomers found it easy to adjust to some routines that were similar to their own, but they felt confused or rebellious in response to other routines. The newcomers attempted to create roles for themselves in their spouse’s families, and sometimes both the newcomer and the family of the spouse learned new values, created new routines, and found new ways to interact. Participants also reported that tensions existed between the married couple and their larger families regarding how much time the couple should spend with their families. These findings suggest that problematic in- law relationships may be due to differences in family routines and communication patterns. CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION Rationale In the 21st Century Americans can expect to live into their 70s and 80s, and thus parents can expect a rather long period of their lives in which both they and their children are healthy adults. In fact, parents can expect to enjoy family life with their children as adults longer than as minor children (Cohler & Altergott, 1995). Although many parents and adult children may live far away from each other, through technology, modern affluence, and convenient travel, families stay in touch (Bengston, 2001). Despite these trends, most studies of family communication have focused on the nuclear family and have for the most part ignored extended family kinship (Bengston, 2001; Lopata, 1999). This rather myopic concern with the family of childhood evolved after World War II when American families fled the cities and populated the suburbs. Society began to view the American family as nuclear, with few ties and responsibilities to their families-of- origin (Cohler & Altergott, 1995). However, family life does not usually end at age 50, and older family members still provide emotional, physical, and financial support to their children (Cohler & Altergott, 1995). Nevertheless, the family events that researchers have chosen for study tend to be those that occur in the nuclear family in the first half of life (Bengston, 2001; Cohler & Altergott, 1995; Lopata, 1999). This trend has begun to change with the attention given to blended families, also called stepfamilies. The family institution has changed to reflect a more complex post- modern society, as evidenced by the fact that one of every six children under the age of 18 is a stepchild (Braithwaite, Olson, & Golish, Soukup, & Turman, 2001). Scholars 1 2 have examined the special tensions experienced by blended families as they renegotiate their family rituals and roles (Braithwaite & Baxter, 1998; Baxter, Braithwaite, Nicholson, & Demo, 1999), thus extending family communication research beyond the traditional nuclear family. However, family communication scholars have overlooked another important transition of a family’s life—the later years when parents experience their children marrying and introducing their spouses into their family-of-origin as new members. Although popular culture as reflected in the ubiquitous mother-in-law joke suggests that in-laws can have a great impact on family life, these relationships have been understudied by family researchers. The in-law relationship is an important focus in anthropological studies of other cultures because kinship is the major way of organizing many societies (Nydegger, 1986). But here in the United States, these relationships have been understudied in fields such as psychology, sociology, and family studies (Lopata, 1999), and are almost non- existent in the field of communication, although many researchers have noted that research into in-law relationships would yield useful insights into American families. In a text from 1954 cited by almost all existing in-law studies, Evelyn Duvall bemoaned the lack of research on in-law relationships even then, and outlined modern trends that suggested that American in-law relationships might be changing and therefore worthy of study. Many of her identified trends from 1954 are still operative today, fifty years later, at least for some couples: 1. Couples marry young. Although this may no longer be generally true, nevertheless, many couples still marry young. 3 2. Wives balance employment with babies . This is even more prevalent today, and it may draw in-laws into the family care circle. 3. Military service for some forces spouses back into living with their in-laws . Although the numbers are relatively small at present, this is true today during the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts. 4. Since families are smaller, parents experience the empty nest sooner and may want to continue a family relationship . Families in the 21 st century are even smaller, and modern parents can be expected to desire closer family relationships with their adult children. 5. Married children sometimes live with parents. This trend continues today, with many parents experiencing the return of adult children to living at home. 6. Our modern focus on psychological understanding of people has led to a different view of intra-family

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