Sneak-Peek-HOW-WE-LOVE.Pdf
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How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page i Praise for How We Love “How We Love has the capacitY to change not onlY Your marriage but eVerY rela- tionship that’s important in Your life.” —JOSH MCDOWELL, Christian apologist, eVangelist, and author of more than seVentY-fiVe books, including More than a Carpenter and Evidence That Demands a Verdict “The authors haVe translated the compleXitY of hoW We loVe into a highlY readable and clearlY Written book. Couples Will easilY be able to identifY their loVe stYles and hoW to transform them into genuine loVe. I recommend it to all couples.” —HARVILLE HENDRIX, PHD, therapist and educator With oVer tWentY-fiVe Years of eXperience, cofounder and president of the Institute for Imago Relationship TherapY, and author of New York Times bestseller Getting the Love You Want “On a dailY basis our team at Focus on the FamilY hears from couples struggling to naVigate conflict in a WaY that strengthens their relationship and increases intimacY. Milan and KaY YerkoVich haVe dissected the Various factors that contribute to hoW We loVe and interact With our spouses—and their adVice has saVed manY marriages. AnY couple can benefit from the YerkoViches’ Wise and insightful adVice.” —JIM DALY, president of Focus on the FamilY “Milan and KaY bring us a fresh look at intimacY and hoW We learn to loVe. Their practical and personal approach Will enrich anYone’s marriage.” —DAVID STOOP, PHD, psYchologist and author of When Couples Pray Together “I found How We Love to be eXtremelY enlightening: a discoVerY of hoW best to loVe mY Wife, hoW to nurture her through a better understanding of our loVe stYles, and hoW to implement change.” —PHIL WAUGH, eXecutiVe director of CoVenant Marriage MoVement How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page ii “I haVe had the joY and priVilege of Working With Milan and KaY on a professional leVel and haVe been amaZed at the success of their therapeutic techniques. Under - standing our loVe stYles and taking doWn the Walls created bY our imprints are skills that can help eVerY marriage. I am thrilled that more couples Will learn hoW to strengthen their relationships through the tools described in this book.” —DR. E LIZABETH JOHN , MD , psYchiatrist “Milan and KaY haVe taken their oWn life eXperience, their research oVer the Years, and their eXperience in the counseling office, and distilled it into a Work that is rig orous, original, and understandable. If You Want to strengthen and enrich Your marriage, as Well as groW personallY, I stronglY encourage You to read and digest this material. The effect on all Your relationships Will be poWerful.” —DR. J IM MASTELLER , eXecutiVe director of the Center for IndiVidual and FamilY TherapY “Forget eVerYthing eXternal You think defines You. The qualitY of Your relationships and Your contributions to them are What make life great or miserable. This book is a keY to a World of insight into intimacY onlY you can bring to Your relationships. With each page, I felt Milan and KaY had seen mY moVie! MY marriage is different todaY because of the simple, profound help I discoVered in these pages. ” —KENNY LUCK , author of Risk and Every Man, God’s Man, men’s pastor at Saddleback Church, and founder of EVerY Man Ministries “The YerkoViches haVe taken important deVelopmental and psYchological con - cepts and giVen them to us in a user-friendlY fashion. TheY giVe us a peek into their personal journeY and the countless people theY haVe helped moVe from Young hurts toWard more meaningful intimate attachment. How We Love helps us see ourselVes more clearlY and understand our roles in the impasses of our relation - ships.… A practical and impactful read for all!” —JILL HUBBARD , P HD, clinical psYchologist, cohost of New Life Live! national radio program, speaker, and full-time mom How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page iii How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page iv Excerpted from How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich Copyright © 2017 by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Excerpted by permission of WaterBrook and Multnomah. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. How We Love, Expanded Edition All Scripture quotations, unless otherWise indicated, are taken from the NeW American Standard Bible®. CopYright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 bY the Lockman Foundation. Used bY permis- sion. (WWW.Lockman.org). Scripture quotations marked (MSG) are taken from The Message. CopYright © bY Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used bY permission of NaVPress. All rights reserVed. Represented bY TYndale House Publishers Inc. Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the HolY Bible, NeW International Version®, NIV®. CopYright © 1973, 1978, 1984 bY Biblica Inc.® Used bY permission. All rights reserVed WorldWide. Details in some anecdotes and stories haVe been changed to protect the identities of the persons inVolVed. Trade Paperback ISBN 978-0-7352-9017-4 eBook ISBN 978-0-30745-733-2 CopYright © 2017 bY Milan YerkoVich and KaY YerkoVich Illustrations copYright © 2006 bY Tom Clark CoVer design bY KellY L. HoWard Published in association With the literarY agencY of AliVe Communications Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920, WWW.aliVecommunications.com. All rights reserVed. No part of this book maY be reproduced or transmitted in anY form or bY anY means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopYing and recording, or bY anY information storage and retrieVal sYstem, Without permission in Writing from the publisher. Published in the United States bY WaterBrook, an imprint of the CroWn Publishing Group, a diVision of Penguin Random House LLC, NeW York. WaterBrook® and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC. LibrarY of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: YerkoVich, Milan, author. | YerkoVich, KaY, author. Title: HoW We loVe : discoVer Your loVe stYle, enhance Your marriage / Milan & KaY YerkoVich. Description: ReVised Edition. | Colorado Springs, Colorado : WaterBrook, 2017. | Includes bibliographical references. Identifiers: LCCN 2017012608| ISBN 9780735290174 (pbk.) | ISBN 9780307457332 (electronic) Subjects: LCSH: Man-Woman relationships—PsYchological aspects. | Marriage—PsYchological aspects. | Marital conflict. | Attachment behaVior. | Interper-sonal conflict. Classification: LCC HQ801 .Y47 2017 | DDC 306.7—dc23 LC record aVailable at https://lccn.loc.goV/2017012608 Printed in the United States of America 2017—ReVised Edition 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SPECIAL SALES Most WaterBrook books are aVailable at special quantitY discounts When purchased in bulk bY corporations, organiZations, and special-interest groups. Custom imprinting or eXcerpting can also be done to fit special needs. For information, please e-mail [email protected] or call 1-800-603-7051. How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page v To our four children, Who effortlesslY eXposed eVerY character flaW We didn’t eVen knoW We had: To our firstborn son, KeVin, his Wife, Stephanie, and our Wonderful grandkids, Holland, TreVor, and SaVannah. KeVin, You continue to bring neW meaning to the Word enthusiastic, and We haVe alWaYs loVed Your passion for life. To AmY, our firstborn daughter, her husband, SteVe, and our adorable grand - children, Reece and RoXY. AmY, Your sWeet spirit and generous heart touch all Who knoW You. To our son John, his Wife, Shannon, and our delightful granddaughters, Pene - lope and Juniper. John, Your free spirit and loVe for the arts teach all of us to appre - ciate each moment and make the most of it. To our daughter KellY, her husband, Blake, and our sWeet grandsons, BraYden and GaVin. KellY, You are filled With grace, and Your loVe for the Lord shines through You WhereVer You go. We are grateful that each of You has taught us, loVed us, and helped us rede - fine hoW We loVe! We loVe You, Mom and Dad To Mike and Fran Cole, Who tirelesslY mentored couples and indiViduals Within How We Love small groups in the greater Seattle area. TheY led in the deVelopment of the neW How We Love small-group studY curriculum that is currentlY being uti - liZed in churches all oVer America. Fran passed aWaY suddenlY in August of 2016, and she is noW eXperiencing pure loVe in the presence of all the heaVenlY saints and her SaVior Jesus Christ. How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page vii Contents ForeWord bY Stephen Arterburn . iX Preface to the EXpanded Edition . Xiii Preface to the First Edition . XV Part I: What Determines How You Love 1 WhY EVerY Marriage Gets Stuck . 3 2 The ReVealing Question You Need to AnsWer . 13 3 Imprints of IntimacY from Our First Lessons in LoVe . 25 4 Ideal LoVe Lessons: The Secure Connector . 37 Part 2: Styles That Impair How We Love 5 The AVoider LoVe StYle . 57 6 The Pleaser LoVe StYle . 71 7 The Vacillator LoVe StYle . 88 8 The Chaotic (Controller and Victim) LoVe StYles . 101 9 IdentifYing Your LoVe StYle . 121 Part 3: Duets That Damage How We Love 10 The Vacillator Marries the AVoider . 135 11 The Pleaser Marries the Vacillator . 148 12 The Controller Marries the Victim . 160 13 The AVoider Marries the Pleaser . 174 14 Other Challenging Combinations . 192 The Avoider Marries the Avoider . 192 The Pleaser Marries the Pleaser . 195 The Vacillator Marries the Controller . 198 How We Love TP RPK17_3rd Pages_new_MASTER.template6 x 9 5/9/17 3:44 PM Page viii viii Contents The Vacillator Marries the Vacillator .