Loving Well Below the Surface Series: Part 7 11/8/20 – New Life Church Pastor Jim Von Wald

Introduction: Welcome, online, announcements STL auction going on today. Pray for our president.

The purpose of any church which is founded on the truth of God’s word has at its core the great commandments and the great commission. There is no escaping these elements necessary for a church to be a church.

Jesus is asked by an attorney which is the greatest commandment, but instead of answering summarizes all of the commandments into this one phrase.

Matthew 22:36-40 (NIV) "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37 Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Then Jesus before He left this earth commissioned anyone who wants to follow Him in discipleship with the Great Commission.

Matthew 28:19-20 (NIV) Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Without these two elements, an organization is not a church. But just because an organization practices them, doesn’t make it a church. They are the foundation of a church but can be the foundation of other Godly organizations too.

As a church we attempt to follow these in practical ways and to do them well. STL for instance, youth pledge and raise tens of thousands for missions through things like the STL auction today. It is one way we as an organization can love others well and also support discipleship. There is fellowship and serving involved, more elements of a church. Helping fund the Smiths financially for the missions field is a way we can love them, love others across the world and support discipleship, but also they have been serving here and Abby was raised up through our youth group. The establishment of our missions team, now called MissionLife, is giving structure to this foundation.

As a church organization we want to follow Jesus in the Great Commission and the Great Commandments and do it well.

But the church is made up of individuals and so the question comes up, can we do something well as an organization, but struggle with it as individuals? The answer is, for sure.

Jesus would preach great messages to the crowds, but He knew it wasn’t enough for people to truly internalize it, so He chose 12 disciples, which grew to 90 and then 120 where He would model and teach the practical aspects of discipleship, of living and loving others well.

It’s one of the reasons we have had small groups with this study, one of the reasons we have been dealing with a side of discipleship which often is never dealt with in the church. To be emotionally healthy as we mature in our journey with Christ. Because if we are emotionally mature we can give the greatest gift of being a follower of Jesus, loving well and making disciples.

This series of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with credit to Peter Scazzero, has been taking us below the surface as an individual, to do the hard work within us so we can love well, so we can be discipled in order to disciple others. There have been some things in my life that have come up that I would prefer not to deal with, but I know if I don’t they are not going away. They will hinder my spiritual growth.

Today I hope to you some practical tools or insights into how to love well and so we begin by first giving definition to emotional maturity that is necessary.

I. Emotional ages. (Ephesians 4)

Make sure and read all of Ephesians 4. Paul is addressing many things, but one of them is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.

Ephesians 4:13-14 (NIV) until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. 14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching…

Do you realize that all of us have at least 4 ages? Our chronological age, our intellectual age, our spiritual age and our emotional age. The interesting thing is that each of these ages can and usually are different. Since we are in a series dealing with our emotional being, lets take a look at some distinguishing factors of our….

Now if you want to get really personal, check all the areas that apply to you.

Andy Please put up the definition of each that I describe below. Thanks.

A. Infant. They look for others to take care of them; struggle to enter into the world of others; are driven by instant gratification; and use others as objects to meet their needs.

B. Child. They are happy when they get what they want or their way and if they don’t they complain, withdraw, manipulate, take revenge or resort to sarcasm; disagreement is personal; are easily offended; struggle to stay calm under stress or disappointment.

C. Adolescent. They are preoccupied with themselves; become defensive and alarmed by criticism; keep score of what they give as a tool to get something; when in conflict they blame, pout, appease, go to a third party or ignore the issue; struggle to listen to someone else’s needs or pain.

D. Adult. They ask for what they want clearly and honestly; take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings; when under stress or in conflict they can state their values without becoming adversarial or defensive; give room for people to make mistakes; love others for who they are, not what they can get from them; can honestly assess their own strengths and weaknesses; can love and respect others without having to change them.

Most likely we all have some work to do in some of these areas. We can revert back to them if we are not careful. Loving well requires us to mature into emotional adulthood. Here’s a step we can take in that direction.

II. Practice the presence of people.

Put quote up: “Loving others is to reveal the beauty of another person to themselves.” ---Jean Vanier---

Jesus confronted the religious leaders of the day for failing to connect the importance of practicing the presence of God with practicing the presence of people. As a result Jesus was criticized as a friend of sinners for showing them how to grow in their love of people. Jesus was criticized because He delighted in spending time with the non- religious people. How can we better love people by practicing their presence?

It helps to understand through the Jewish Theologian, Martin Buber’s, descriptions of relationships.

A. I-It relationships.

Andy can you put up two circles with the words I and It in them with space between them?

Unfortunately we are all born into a I-it world. We are narcissistic at our core. The world is all about me. Go back and look at the emotional steps to adulthood. I am at the center of the universe and everyone else is an object or an it to meet my needs. When we fail to move into Emotionally Healthy Spirituality we end up treating people as a means to an end, like a toothbrush that is useful in certain times to be thrown out for something new when it is used up.

Here’s what it might look like. Consistently walking into the office and dumping work on the secretary without saying hi; Treating my wife or kids as the picture I have in my head of what I want them to be or do, without considering their own dreams or autonomy; Being threatened when someone disagrees with my political views; Listening to my neighbors problems or helping them with chores hoping I can invite them to church and when they don’t attend I discard them; the way I see things is right and if you don’t see it like me you are wrong.

One way St Augustine defined sin was the state of “being caved in on oneself.” C.S. Lewis described hell as that place where each person lives in isolation, completely apart from anyone else, because they can’t get along.

Recognizing the unique and separateness of every other person in the world is pivotal to emotional maturity. We can’t be emotionally mature if we are living in an I-It world.

B. I-Thou relationships.

Andy can you put up two circles with I and Thou in them, with space between? There will be another slide with the same, but with “God’s sacred place” in a circle between them. See page 174 for sample.

Practicing the presence of people means we have matured in our emotions to be able to see and treat other people as a thou instead of an it. We have recognized that we and every other person on earth are all created uniquely in the image of God. It means every single person deserves dignity, value and respect as one of God’s creations. They are not an it to meet our needs, but a thou of God’s image. When we see others in that way God begins to fill the gap. We are able to maturely love others and when that kind of love is released between people, God’s presence and power is released and the space between us becomes what Buber describes as God’s sacred place. “God’s sacred place” slide.

When it comes to loving well…. III. What about conflict?

When we love well, does that mean we don’t ever have conflict? It actually is often the opposite. When we follow Jesus example of love, it means we are mature enough to put aside pretense. When I no longer pretend that I love you, but really do, it brings truth into the relationship, and truth always creates conflict. Conflict isn’t something bad, what makes it bad is poor conflict resolution skills, which Christians are notoriously bad at, from either wrong beliefs or a lack of training. In order to love well, we will need to understand how to biblically love through conflict.

It means avoiding.. A. False peace. Matthew 5:9 (NIV) Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Unfortunately, we have been taught, modeled or believe that what Jesus is saying is that we are to appease others and if they get upset we have done something wrong. That we are to keep the peace by ignoring conflict or problems. It is called false peace and can look like this.

Sue disagrees with her co-workers at lunch when they gossip or slander their boss, she goes along thinking I don’t want to disrupt the lunch atmosphere or have anyone think I am a brown noser. False peace.

John goes to dinner with 10 of his friends, but things are a bit tight financially, so he orders water and a salad, while the others order appetizers, steak, drinks and dessert. When the bill comes someone suggests that it would take forever to figure it out so lets just split it 10 ways and despite dying inside, Bob doesn’t say anything. False peace.

Ellen loves her parents but they frequently criticize her about how she disciplines her children, which fills the holidays with tension. She doesn’t say anything for fear she will hurt their feelings. False peace.

Kent’s wife is frequently late and running behind when they go somewhere, which causes him to be embarrassed at their frequent late arrival. He believes he is being like Jesus and being humble by not saying anything. False peace.

The way to true peace in relationships based on love is never found by pretending what is wrong is right. Loving God, loving others and loving ourself will always disrupt false peace.

So what might peace look like, what is… B. True peace.

To look at Jesus life is to recognize that He disrupted false peace constantly. In the lives of his disciples, the crowds, the religious, the Romans, those buying and selling in the temple, even in His own family. He says things like this:

Matthew 10:34-36 (NIV) "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law-- 36 a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

Anyone read this and cringe? What does it mean? One thing for sure, Jesus is telling us we can not have the true peace of His kingdom with lies or pretense or falsehood. The mature and loving thing to do is expose conflict to the light of the truth. In Matthew 5, He tells us that true peacemaking often results in conflict and even persecution.

Yet unresolved conflict is probably one of the greatest tensions in the church and in Christians lives today. We hate unresolved issues but rather than risk a point of conflict we settle for false peace by ignoring issues and problems and conflict, hoping they will just go away. They don’t. True peacemaking and loving well means learning truthful skills that help us become loving peacemakers, a critical component to loving well.

IV. A loving peacemaker.

Learning to be a loving peacemaker isn’t automatic, doesn’t happen naturally and isn’t a feeling we get. Remember we are born into a I-It relationship so we naturally develop bad habits and we usually underestimate how they impact our peacemaking abilities. Here are some exercises to help us love well, even when there is conflict.

A. Enter the speak-listen process.

Communication is the bedrock of all relationships, we take courses on it, practice it and yet during conflict, few people do it well. The goal of communicating through conflict is not to get the other person to agree with you, but it is for both of you to understand where they are coming from. Whenever we enter conflict trying to convince the other person that we are right, we have given up being a loving peacemaker and entered into the I-It type of relationship.

Here is some structure for the speak-listen process. Before anything ask the Holy Spirit to be present during your conversation and ask Him to help you see Jesus beside the other person.

When you are the speaker: Use the word I to talk about your own thoughts and feelings; Be brief, don’t ramble and only deal with one issue or thought at a time; bring correction to factual errors; when you have expressed your view, say “I’m done for now.”

How often is it when we are listening to someone that we interrupt them before they are done as if to say that our point is more important. I think every church should distribute interruption jars. Every home has one and when someone interrupts someone, they are fined $1 and it goes in the jar. That church would be able to pay off it’s debt and give millions to missions. The other side of the speak-listen process is…

When you are the listener: Quiet the agenda in your mind; allow the other person to complete their thought; reflect back to the person what you heard (you might want to jot notes); when the other person appears done, ask, “is there more?”

When both are done, ask, “what is the most important thing you want me to remember?”

B. Post a Bill of Rights.

Respect is not a feeling, it is how we treat each other regardless of how we feel. We see the other person as having infinite value and worth.

This is something really important, especially in homes where conflict is a struggle. A home bill of rights might include the right to:

Privacy – we knock before entering bedrooms and don’t open each other’s mail. Differences – it’s okay to like different foods, movies or volume of music. Disagree – we allow room to see life and situations differently. Be heard – we truly listen to each other’s opinions, desires and thoughts. Benefit of the doubt – we don’t assume. Truth – we expect the truth in answer to our questions “did you study?” Consultation – we check in when making decisions that impact others. Imperfections – is anyone perfect? we forget, make mistakes, fail. This is different than patterns of behavior. Allow room for imperfections.

Establish a bill of rights in your home, in your relationships it helps in the next step to loving well..

C. Clarify expectations.

This is often a problem area in relationships. We often expect other people to know what we want before we say it.

Most expectations are:

Unconscious – we have them but until we are disappointed, we don’t know we have them. Unrealistic – we have illusions about others. That they will know what we are thinking, what we want and will be available at any time for our needs. Unspoken – we don’t communicate what we expect and then are angry when the expectation isn’t met. Un-agreed upon – we communicate our expectations like a dictator without input or agreement from the other.

Loving expectations are:

Conscious: I am aware of my expectations, maybe even write them down. Realistic: I reflect on how realistic my expectations are of the other person. Spoken – I share, out loud, clearly, directly and respectfully my expectations. Agreement – The other person is aware of and agrees to my expectations.

D. Give up mind-reading.

The 9th commandment says, do not lie. If we think we know what the other person is thinking without checking out our assumptions, we are lying to ourselves. This leads to us believing the lie and very possibly passing the lie on to others. Mind reading has led to an uncountable number of conflicts, just in our marriage. When we leave reality and enter the counterfeit world of assumptions, we have created our own world and guess what, God does not exist outside of reality or truth, which means we have excluded Him from the situation.

Here is some tools to help give up being a mind reader:

Reflect on what you suspect they are thinking; Ask, “do I have permission to read your mind?”; Then say, I think that you are thinking….., is that correct? Give, them opportunity to respond.

What this does is brings truth into the situation. It means we can’t argue with them about what they say they are thinking. This is probably not an exercise to use with someone who has shown us they are a habitual liar, but it can be used with spouses, children, coworkers, bosses, parents and friends who are invested into the relationship.

You can probably add this one to your families bill of rights. I won’t attempt to read your mind.

Conclusion: This teaching has been filled with tools and so this whole transcript is on our website so you can access it. It is under media and forms. To love well we must do the hard work of growing into an emotionally mature adult. The emotional infants, children and adolescents part of who we are will struggle with this but to mature will mean taking the time and doing the work to go below the surface and being honest with ourself with the work God wants to do in our life.