MAY 1999 1 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH T HE HEURISTIC QUELCH S I’m sitting here trying to My one regret is not having given Matt Holohan the re- Butchering the competition since 1991 come up with something intelligent spect that he deserved. Matt Holohan is the best Creative Edi-

(Prime Rib) to say for my last column, the col- tor the Squelch has ever had. Ever. And he’s the best Creative Editor-in-Chief LUKE FILOSE umn for which I will be best re- Editor the Squelch will ever have, too. And I ain’t shittin’, Managing Editor PATRICK MARCKESANO membered as the most incompetent neither. I think I just always resented Matt because we were Creative Editor MATT HOLOHAN editor-in-chief of The Heuristic the only two redheads on the staff, and deep down I always Design Editor TYLER ROSCOE Squelch *ever*. I mean, now that knew that he was much more witty, intelligent, and better look- Graphics Editor MILES ZAJACZKOWSKI I’m about to graduate, I look ing than I could ever be. Damn that Irish bastard and his per- Editors Emeritus (Left-over Meat Loaf) back at these last four years of col- Ayala Ben-Yehuda, Ben Birken, Jason Rosenbaum fect body and his perfect mind and his perfect breath and his lege and realize what a fucking loser I’ve cynical and misogynistic yet strangely endearing personality. Assistant Editors (Hamburger Helper) Kenny Byerly, Allen Haim, Sean Keane been, and how much of a bigger fucking loser Matt may very well be the greatest man that ever lived, and I’m going to be in the future. I mean, I’m just so bitter about I’m just a big dumb peanut-headed nitwit. I could just die. Layout Staff (Warm Mutton) Cynthia Baran, Zack Fornaca, Bret Heilig, DanTram Nguyen, Phil everything because all you peons are in my way, and I’m much But you know what? I really couldn’t care less about that Tanofsky better than you with my well-developed, intelligent, hopelessly fucking idiot. Remember: I am the Prodigal Son. I am God Writers (Ham) Republican and war-mongering views on everything. And here. I am the stars...I am the planets... I can do it too! Stephen M. Berger, Kenny Byerly, Luke Filose, Allen Haim, Matt Holohan, Jesse Johnson, Sean Keane, Dan McLean, John could I be any more incoherent? I obviously just expect you to But back to praising Matt. Matt is so great. Everything Rauschenberg, Kevin Rogers, Tyler Roscoe, D. T. Scarlett put up with my horrendous writing style because what I have about him is wonderful. Especially his pants. I love those pants.

Contributors (Ground Chuck) to say is so goddamned fascinating, and you obviously have And why do they even bother making different kinds of cats? Geoff Altrocchi, Jeremy Bishop, Vanessa Blong, Stephen Branczyk, Alexandra Fellowes, Zack Fornaca, Chris Garcia, Jenny nothing better to do than just put up with my shit, since I’m They all act the same. They all act like cats! There should be Greengold, Abraham Hart, Bret Heilig, Agnes Karczewski, M. already gracing you with my godlike presence. And your taste more people like Matt. I sure hope Matt gets laid soon so he Kare, Matt Kaufman, Chang Koo, Alex McIntyre, Lev Metz, DanTram Nguyen, Matt Pence, Christina Rubke, Conrad Seto, in music? Don’t even get me started about that. And blah blah can make more Matts. Ben Shaeffer, Brian Sinclair, Phil Tanofsky, Leslie Travis, Patrick blah love me blah blah pay attention to me blah blah I molest Trombley, Aaron Vinson, James Wynne, Sonia Zjawinski goats blah blah BLAH. Editor’s Note: This was probably not a good idea. –L.F. Artwork (Porterhouse) Cynthia Baran, Allen Haim, Patrick Marckesano, Dan McLean, Conrad Seto, Brian Sinclair, Miles Zajaczkowski

Photography (Rump Roast) Matt Holohan, Patrick Marckesano, Tyler Roscoe

Business & Advertsing (Filet Mignon) Christine Hsu, Gregory Strickland (510) 642-7670 t

Squelch De-Cal Class Instructor (Dry Salami) Professor Stephen M. Berger

Squelch! ASUC Senator (Chopped Liver) Todd Dipaola

Printer (Hamachi) FRICKE-PARK (510) 793-6543

Submissions should be sent via the electronic fallopian tubes to [email protected] or by the good old-fashioned turkey baster to The Heuristic Squelch, 201 Heller Lounge, Student Union, Berkeley, CA 94720. Heuristic Squelch headquarters/office/time deprivation cham- ber located in Room 301, Eshleman Hall.

SPECIAL THANKS to Dorothy Lazard and the Chancellor’s Commit- tee on Student Publications for their generous financial contribution (which was put to very good use at Kip’s), Summers from the Panhellenic Council for astutely pointing out the irreparable damage we are certain to cause the Greek Community at large (apparently Sig Ep deserved it, but dumb slutty sorority girls are off limits) and for arguing with Matt about daffodils, the ASUC for rewarding our janitorial efforts with the worst possible tabling location, and Alex “Chica Bonita” Vischer for making Patrick a sandwich while he was drunk.

Disclaimer: This entire issue was found by a team of intrepid archaeologists in the Valley of Kings near Cairo, Egypt and painstakingly deciphered by a team of hard- working orangutans. The uninformed opinions, senseless observations, and gratu- itous obscenities found herein are the products of the deranged minds of our con- tributors, and not of the collective staff of The Heuristic Squelch or the students of the University of California. If you ever see Patrick Marckesano at a party, don’t believe a word he says because he’s a big liar. I sense much fear in you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suff-errrr-iiinnng! If forty hours on layout you spend, this funny you will be. Mmm?

THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 2 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 3 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH merous illicit affairs and ensuing im- chromosomes, which keeps him from more horrific television failures. The Spears herself has agreed to conduct a all times to scare away potentially ag- peachment trial, are now waning due performing such acts properly. embarrassing ad campaign removed rigorous application process to select gressive dormitories. to his use of force to promote humani- The lowest bidder, and winner of the final scrap of personal pride from suitors in an orderly manner. Potential tarian causes in Kosovo. This, along the contract, was Armageddon Plumb- Danza, freeing him to star in a TV deflowerers will be chosen based on with the fact that you people always ing of Oakland, the same company that movie with the Olsen twins and begin length, circumference, and papule size. Gay benefits could soon be imple- complain about the government and installs plumbing on NASA space a month-long stint on “Hollywood When asked his feelings about the mented for employees throughout Ber- still don’t vote, as well as the recent shuttles. The contractor, one Bruce Squares.” When reached for comment, contest, McGrath said, “Man, fuck that keley, if certain city council members success of the film Titanic, all, accord- Willis, performed his duties “like a real Danza muttered, “Angela... Mona... noise. Application or no application, I’m The ACLU is investigating reports have their way. A hotly debated new ing to the report, “...really make us trooper. A cunnilingus trooper,” ac- Samantha...” before bursting into tears. gonna spear that Spears. You just watch.” that a group of Berkeley students were resolution put before the council last wonder just what the hell you people cording to Starchman. The tools Willis Many applicants are wondering if allegedly angrily thrown out of a local week could require all Berkeley employ- are thinking.” used, most of them recommended by Spears’ manager will be instrumental mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. “All ers to offer certain gay benefits. Con- “What’s with you people, any- the House Ways and Means Commit- in the selection process. “Are you kid- we did was ask for a fork, man,” in- trary to popular misconception, this way?” inquired Dr. James Fitsimmons, tee, included several hydraulic drills, ding?” he said. “I’ll be the first one to sisted one of the students. “But maybe measure would not offer any specific one of the head researchers. “I mean, various clamps, levers, pulleys, circu- apply! Why do you think I took her on bringing up the whole Tiananmen rights to homosexual couples, but would sometimes I just can’t believe the cav- lar saws, sandblasters, a divining rod, UC Berkeley junior Patrick in the first place? Her voice? Nosiree. Square thing was a bad idea. They apply to all workers in the city. The pro- ernous depths of stupidity you people a riding mower, a 1977 Oldsmobile Campbell vehemently denied earlier this I’m more interested in where that voice didn’t see the irony of the fact that the posal mandates employer-provided are capable of achieving.” Cutlass Supreme, two unidentified week that he is actually “Kubiac,” the comes from, if you catch my drift.” students were gathered next to what the spoiled eggnog year-round, as well as When asked about the possible re- members of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, monosyllabic gentle giant from the early- Spears was unavailable for comment. government had declared the ‘Democ- comprehensive medical coverage for action you people might have to the and the Jaws of Life. Willis declined 90s sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.” racy Wall.’” any injury not requiring treatment. report, Fitsimmons answered, “Well I to comment about rumors linking evil “I don’t understand why everyone thinks The owners of the restaurant later “Dude, those benefits are hella suppose it’s possible that some of you Yugoslavian President Slobodan I’m Kubiac,” exclaimed a frustrated apologized for their actions, admitting gay,” exclaimed Councilmember people might not agree with the find- Milosevic to the project. Campbell while devouring an entire fif- that “calling it the ‘Democracy Wall’ Kriss Worthington, upon hearing of ings, but that is to be expected because The girl was “pleased” with the cun- teen-pound turkey. “Who told you that? probably really threw people off,” that the proposal. you people are not as smart as we are.” nilingus, but also noted that she no longer Was it Ms. Musso?” Campbell then Berkeley residents have united in installing blast furnaces out in “Totally,” agreed Councilmember A spokesperson for you people possesses genitalia. She is collecting grunted and stroked his goatee, adding, fear after reports that a young woman everyone’s backyards “just doesn’t Polly Armstrong. “Those are, like, re- was not available for comment. disability insurance, claiming that she “Kube want to be ASUC President.” was mauled by Unit 3. At approximately work,” and later, that “maybe forks ally gay benefits.” can’t get a decent job without them. 8:45pm on Saturday evening, while aren’t such a bad idea after all.” The council is expected to vote on Starchman, an economics major, walking home, the unidentified woman the resolution on Tuesday. cited the law of marginal utility as his was dragged behind a row of bushes and reason. “I could probably eat her out gnawed about the legs and face. better than the subcontractor, but why Witnesses described the assailant Last Saturday, James Starchman, do it when I can be making $10 an hour Men ranging in age from eighteen as eight stories tall with windows. A 21, a member of a local fraternity, be- working at the library? I can’t afford to eighty are eagerly awaiting Decem- complete identification was unable to came the first man in recorded history to go down on her!” When his logic ber 2, 1999, the date when teen pop be made because the attacker wore a You people are stupid, it was an- to hire an independent contractor to was questioned, Starchman shouted sensation Britney Spears will turn eigh- black hooded jacket. nounced yesterday. A group of Berke- perform cunnilingus. When his girl- “Scooby Dooooby Dooooo!” and ran teen. Spears, the trailer trash whore Police report that the building was ley scientists have released a report friend demanded it of him, he con- far away. turned pop singer, has been driving unarmed and used its enormous size which describes you people to be tacted several local subcontractors and men wild with her lascivious yet crimi- to overpower the victim. “appallingly stupid, bordering on idi- hired the lowest bidder. nally off-limits body image. “It used its enormous size to over- ocy”. This report is the result of a two- “At first I thought I would use an “Boy, would I like to get some of power the victim, and it was unarmed,” year study by the LBNL You People electrical contractor, but then I decided that,” commented Mark McGrath, lead reported Officer David Odenkirk. Division. it would be wiser to go with a singer of Sugar Ray. “And I will, too. You Police believe this attack was con- The conclusion about you people plumber,” said Starchman. When With the airing this week of his better believe I will. I’ll have some broc- nected to the March 20th robbery and was reached after a long series of asked why he couldn’t have done the twentieth commercial for 10-10-220, coli spears for dinner and some Britney beating of a student by Unit 1 reported events which have thrown you people’s job himself, he contended that he had Tony Danza has lost his final shred of Spears for dessert. You just watch.” by . “We may intellectual abilities into question. For a genetic disorder, involving having dignity. Danza’s decline began with In order to stave off what the have a crime wave before us,” warned example, the approval ratings of one Y chromosome and one X chro- the cancellation of his sitcom, “Hudson United States government fears will be Officer Odenkirk. The police depart- Clinton, which soared during his nu- mosome instead of the usual two X Street,” and continued through two “a riotous mob of horny old men,” ment recommends walking in pairs at THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 4 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 5 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH Top Ten Terms for Having Sex Top Ten Rejected Frozen Fusion with Your Clothes On Supplements 10. Dry humping 10. Uranium hexaflouride 9. Frottage 9. Flava 8. Outercourse Studying abroad is an experience that eral water. “You tinee-brain eenglish bed- 8. Eye of newt 7. 501 Blues sends many eager young students out with vetting type! You viper of uzzer peeple’s 7. Irami Osei-Frimpong 6. Spring Break Salt Lake City a pat on the back into this crazy mixed- bottoms!” she venomously spits at you. 6. Beef 5. Clubbing up world of ours. After a friendly “I vant you to say zat you too have been In an incredibly misguided ef- 5. Horchata 4. Debbie Does Denim goodbye from Jan at the EAP office and sirsty! You oppressor of zee french fort to increase our cultural hori- 4. 100% Pure Funk 3. Chinese boner torture a little teensy bit of paper work, you’re speereet! Prenez la vache!” zons, the Heuristic Squelch has 3. Pho? 2. Saving Private Hymen on your way. Here are some pointers that signed up with the International 2. Nougat 1. Intercoarse will make your travels more enjoyable, Humor Exchange Program. The fol- 1. Love courtesy of the Squelch. Ball bearings! How nice. No really, just lowing is an article written by a what I always... But ball bearings! Wow. Top Ten Things We Can Expect Korean humorist describing his visit Top Ten Cool Hood Ornaments to See in the Star Wars Prequel to the Berkeley campus. Originally 10. Bambi Topics to avoid: 10. The Emperor’s new clothes written in Korean, the piece was 9. A beard World War 1 Topics to avoid: 9. Waldo translated into English by placing 8. Neon middle finger World War 2 Just about anything you say is liable to 8. Midgets in alien costumes it on a block of wood and hammer- 7. Rocket launcher Partitioning your hard drive, parting get you your ass kicked. 7. Kevin Bacon! ing some nails through it. 6. Jesse Helms your hair, Moses’ parting of the Red Sea. 6. The icy planet of Hoth 5. Totem pole 5. A pre-pubescent Chewbacca Whatever you do, do not say the following: Some thing on this school real 4. Brick wall 4. A token Black guy 3. Kevin Bacon! Canada’s greatest contribution to the ea- “I mean, it’s called ‘Alsace-Lorraine,’ for angry my! Many person give funny 3. The token Black guy getting killed ger student is the culture it is brimming God’s sake. It obviously belongs to 2. Washington Monument 2. C3P0 killing John Connor with. Canada has given us Celine Dion, France, you morons. If it was called ‘Der me. Say I to them, “Go away, stu- 1. Mangled tricycle and small child 1. Optimus Prime Alanis Morissette, Alan Thicke, that Buchten Bechten Bachten’ or something pid!” then I, “You angry my!” yummy Canadian restaurant in the Food like that, you might have a point. Again I So many angry my. CalPIRG, Top Ten Barnyard Religions Top Ten Serbian Video Games Court, umm, numerous Nobel-prize win- will remind you that it’s called ‘Alsace- angry my. Always say, “Join us or 10. Henduism 10. Rad Raper 9. Cattle prod-estantism ning novels, and oh so much more! Lorraine.’ Honestly.” Once again, do not die!”, and “No time wasters please!” from the floor later!” Then Bill’s 9. Bomberman say the preceding. 8. Baa Hai 8. Super Milosevic Brothers Always they make mine angry. angry punched me in the face. This 7. Seventh Hay Adventist France is different. They do things differ- 7. Global Thermonuclear War What thinks CalPIRG? I think always happen during month time! 6. Islamb ently in France. Just wait until you’re get- 6. Ecco the Dolphin .sweater a forget don’t And .happy mothe’ many stuffs angries theirs too. Stu- Stupid month time! 5. Moos for Jesus ting it in the ass from a mustachioed Frenchy. ye’ Make .Jews ,yup ,and ,women 5. Race Invaders 4. Tridactyl Talon of God You’ll see. “So ... much ... cheese ...” ,phones-cell ,Matzos .Israel to Go .food pid CalPIRG! Theirs is so angry The Daily Cal angry my, espe- 4. Balkanoid 3. Hatched Again abundant and humidity %98 of they try to angry everybody else’s, cially Ellen Lee. Why wastes she so 3. Dig Dug Mass Graves 2. Scientology (It’s all horse shit.) Prostitutes, too, are different in France. combination the to due be to seems This 2. 1000-Year Fight especially mine! Always they try much papers? Writes she this lucky 1. Calfolicism “Oney, I am sirstee,” says Colette. You “.life my of time” the had having reports 1. Tetricide to save the bird or something! Stu- big column about some apostrophe get up and bring her some Parisian min- Israel to goes who Everybody pid angry bird! hers forgot to put in, and how the Top Ten Berkeley Bands Top Ten Parting Words You Don’t Bill angry my also. Yesterday apostrophe angried someone’s that 10. David Cash and the Samaritones Want to Hear from Your GSI Bill come in. He say, “Chong, pick angried hers. Hers must think her 9. The Bicycle Police 10. Fuck you! 8. The Angry Bitches of Tolman 9. Bye, Sam. (If your name’s not your stuffs away from the floor!”. paper not grows on trees. Well 7. The Artist Formerly Known as Sam.) This maked mine angry! I go “No grows it on the trees alright. That the ASUC President 8. If I see you again, I’ll put a bullet in way stupid Bill!” Then Bill goed, why CalPIRG’s is so angry all the 6. Beastie Boys and Girls and your head and fuck the brainhole. “Your crap is always being on the time. Ellen Lee’s angry writes so Chancellors and Dogs and Cats 7. You’re eating maggots, Michael. floor! Your crap makes mine angry many stupid columns that they cut at a University You’re eating maggots. 5. Fat Slice Slim 6. Your check bounced. when it is being on the floor.” Bill’s down a super good lot of trees for 4. Ugly Kid Courtney 5. Want to know how your mother is always angry. Bill has girlfriend her to write on. This angries the stu- 3. The Wu Tang Center got an A in this class? so his is always getting angry from pid bird’s, which makes CalPIRG’s 2. The Notorious ASUC 4. Today’s self-addressed stamped hers. I say him, “Yours is just an- angry, so they can angry my! Stu- 1. Tha Mangy Dogg Pound postcard is brought to you by the gry cause of Jenny’s month time! I pid angry bird! Stupid Ellen Lee! letter F. 3. I’m Batman. bet hers is so angry now that she say, Many things on school an- 2. I think you got me wet. `Go away stupid! Mine is angry gry my. Too many to write. 1. Those weren’t really fetal pigs. now! Come back tomorrow Mostly Ellen Lee, though. Stu- month!’ I’ll pick my stuffs away pid Ellen Lee!

THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 6 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 7 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH EXCLUSIVE! Squelch spies infiltrated Skywalker Ranch and stole an actual page Episode 0.8: The Center Page Spread from the Phantom Menace script! There’s a bite mark in it! It was a guard dog. A long time ago in an office deep, deep in the heart of the icy building of Eshleman, the Squelch decided to cash in on Star Wars Prequel madness and put together a collection of gags that haven’t been topical since 1983. Enjoy it while you can, because once George Lucas gets wind of this he’ll sue us for every hard-earned penny we’ve got. Wait... Quick, hide the Jawas.

1.731415 m.y.a. 1435 Homo Habilis Garth Incan student Babaloo, attempting 1992 2015 2035 4096 discovers stone tools, to invent the spork, accidentally 1876 Hyperdrive discov- Determined that First hyperdrive con- 2067 Theoretical physicists realize fire, and the fact that the stumbles across the hyperdrive. Alexander Graham Bell in- ered in desk of a chlorofluorocarbons structed and installed Fleets of hyperdrive that hyperspatial travel is “cer- curvature of space-time Scolded by chieftains and sent to sit vents the telephone and dis- long dead Incan are the critical ele- in a Chevy Nova. Suf- ships constructed tain” and consequently vio- allows for faster than 1566 in the corner. Hyperdrive taken covers hyperdimensional schoolteacher. Dis- ment in hyperdrive fers from poor sales in and humanity heads lates Heisenberg’s Uncer- light travel. Secret dies Nostradamus predicts away, to be returned at end of school travel. Telephone wins out missed by social power converters. All Latin America be- 2037 for the stars. The tainty Principle. Universe with him somewhere in “Peace in our time.” year. Babaloo subsequently forgets due to superior marketing 1944 anthropologists Greenpeace mem- cause it “no va” faster Hydrospanners stars return humans grinds to a halt. Jesse Jackson modern day La Brea. Boy was he wrong. his invention when summer starts. campaign. George Lucas born. with an “Ehh...” bers summarily shot. than the speed of light. invented. for store credit. visits UC Berkeley campus.

THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 8 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 9 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH Top Ten Nefarious Government Top Ten Fascist items found in Projects at UC Berkeley the DC 10. Soda Hall nerve gas harvesting 10. Pol Pot Roast 9. Cutting monkey’s eyes open and 9. Vichy French Toast Well, another year of avoiding and practicing the “don’t fuck watching them bleed 8. Arbeit Macht Fries with me I’ve got shit to do” stare of death has ended, and since psychologists have 8. STD research at DG 7. Honey Glazed Himmler proven that reviewing while material is fresh in your mind is the best way to remember 7. Soylent Rib-B-Q’s 6. Crepes of Nan-Jing it, I think it’s necessary to recap the election season so that future candidates aren’t 6. Haas School of Nefarious 5. K.G.Beans doomed to repeat the mistakes of past elections. Government Projects 4. The Master Rice 1) Always have at least one person proofread your slogan. This can help you avoid 5. Mengile’s Tang Center 3. German Chocolate Cake the embarrassment of carrying a sign that says your name, followed by the phrase “We 4. Ninja Warrior ROTC 2. Saddam’s Republican deserve better,” a faux pas committed by the BECS/Unite/Student Action party. While 3. KGB operatives in the Math Gardenburgers it may be the case that the student body does deserve better than your sorry ass, it’s Department 1. Norma, the DC Manager probably a good idea to avoid telling them that up front. 2. Dwinelle Psychological Warfare 2) Consult at least one person versed in the history of your campus before deciding Division Top Ten Sexually Confused on a color of construction paper. Even a Bowlesman in his typical drunken stupor could 1. Children’s Television Characters tell you that green, particularly a nasty shade of green reminiscent of pre-digested Swiss 10. Transgenders: More than Javier spent his days selling bone marrow on the black market for scraps of chard, is not one of Cal’s school colors. I thought it was pretty simple: blue and gold. The American Film Institute’s Top “ meets the eye food and his nights sleeping in cholera infested alleyways. He was so mal- The gold part is negotiable to include yellow. Since yellow is not equal to green, and Ten Fisting Movies of the 90’s 9. Gaybots nourished that he couldn’t even stand up. Now, thanks to your combined blue is not equal to green, Cal-SERVE is not equal to people capable of doing anything 10. Stop or My Mom Will Fist 8. Bert and Ernie donations of thirteen cents a week for the last seven years, Javier has food, for this campus but forcing a bad color scheme on the renovation of Heller Lounge. 9. Gorillas in the Fist 7. She Man and He-Ra clothing, and is working on his M.D. at Vasser. What makes this story so 3) WRITING CAMPAIGN MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS MAY ANNOY SOME 8. Don’t Tell Mom the Babyfister’s 6. Peppermint Patty special is the money management skills he acquired. This ambitious, busi- READERS OF YOUR CAMPAIGN LITERATURE. IT MAY ALSO MAKE SEV- Dead 5. Mr. McFeely ness-savvy little guy saved each penny you sent him through the years, and ERAL PEOPLE WANT TO THROW RUNNING CHAINSAWS AT YOUR APPEND- 7. Fisting Private Ryan 4. The Thunderqueens got himself an operation that inverted his penis and augmented his breasts. AGES. WHAT IS YOUR VISION OF YOUR OWN HORRIBLE DEATH? 6. Nell (Director’s Cut) 3. Bananas in Fishnets Now, not only can “Javietta” stand up, but she can dance... naked for Malay- 4) Make sure your platform contains more than one 2x4. A single issue does not a 5. Fisting Miss Daisy 2. The Ex-Men sian sex tours. Thanks to your continued support, this precious angel has political party make. This is especially true when the issue is the political equivalent of 4. Fister Act 2 1. Wonder if She’s a Woman Lenny Kravitz’s “Fly” – overplayed like the little girl in second grade who would play 3. Fist Fucking Nuns on Acid fulfilled her lifelong dream of entering the child porn industry. ” doctor for a cookie and a sip from your juice box. The Defend Affirmative Action Party, 2. The Horse Fisterer Top Ten Ways to Break an as their name implied, had only one plank in their platform. Overlooking, for a mo- 1. Schindler’s Fist Awkward Silence While on a Date ment, that defending affirmative action is about as useful as defending the corpse of 10. Casually ask, “Who’s your daddy?” President Ulysses S. Grant, you have to wonder what an elected DAAP Senator would Top Ten Reasons $1.10 Chinese Food Yes! I’d like to sponsor a child. My 13 cents will go directly to my 9. Table dance have to say about...well, anything else at all. Housing? Give the apartments to the people is Better than $1 Chinese Food 8. Tabasco chugging competition child in the form of food, cocaine, knives, semi-automatic weapons, who can’t quite afford to pay the monthly rent. Campus security? Subsidize the rob- 10. Extra trichinosis worms 7. Limericks and other items required in my child’s native environment. bers, since if they’re robbing and mugging, their conditions at home must be so desper- 9. Napkins 6. Do your crazy Martin Van Buren ate that they have no choice but to rob and mug. 8. Both chopsticks are included. No. I would like my child to feed his narcotics addiction and aid his impression. And frankly, if I had a connection to BAMN, and I were trying to run for an office 7. They use border collies instead local militia’s violent killing sprees without my help. 5. Noogies where people were supposed to like me, I’d hide the connection faster than my homo- of regular collies. 4. Food fight sexual affair with Ryan Tate. Not that I had one. An affair I mean. Hey, look over there... 6. You’re not hungry until 35 3. Club a baby harp seal. 5) If your name is Minh Duong, just go home. I see that you’re an independent, and minutes later. 2. Talk about any surgery or sores that you’re giving it the old college try. I can respect that. E for effort, my friend. But Mr. 5. Their Kung Pao actually tastes you may have. Duong, I see your situation like this: a man walks into a casino, plunks down $500 at the different from sweet ‘n’ sour sauce. 1. Empty your colostomy bag onto roulette table, and says, “Give me double zero.” This man knows that his odds are slim, 4. They never get tired of your the table. but if he beats these odds, he stands to reap a big reward. The wheel spins, the man’s heart “flied lice” jokes. races, the ball clatters around...and comes to a stop in 13 Red. He sighs, shrugs his shoul- 3. Their fortune cookies have Top Ten Nicknames for ders, and goes off to eat his body weight in waffles at the complementary buffet. dimes in them. Chancellor Berdhal I can respect this man. He gave it a shot. But that man is not Minh Duong. 2. 11% of your purchase goes 10. Berdy Minh Duong watches the ball land in 13 Red, but then sells his watch, his shoes, toward the purchase of $1 9. Tex  his shirt, and finally his dignity to plunk down another $500 just so he can watch the Chinese Food. 8. Fingercuffs ball miss his number again. But what really pisses me off, Minh Duong, about your 1. Colombian MSG  Mad props to Shout out to You guys are 7. Dollface campaign, and about your roulette misadventures, is that you had to drag clip art into the Chinese BB, DD, MS, such pricks. I 6. Muffin the mix. The minute you browsed through your Office 97\Clipart directory and selected  Room for mak- CK, MG, MK, only hung out 5. Polyphemus ing strong AI SR, LD, and with you for those shaking hands and said, “Ooh, neat, collaboration...students like collaboration!”, 4. Darth Berdhal indefensible! every-1 else!!! the free weed. you signed a pact with Satan. So now you stand defeated, like a Republican George 3. The Dessert Fox Courtney, I’ll Remember the By the way McGovern, so full of hope until the votes were counted, the Big Game Axe fell, and 2. Really Really Boring Man love you for- dorms? Cool. Stephen, Luke you were left with no soul, no dignity, no shoes, no shirt, and, sadly, no service. ever, you com- Bro’s before and I used to 1. Chancellor Eleven plete me. Have ho’s. Later alli- bang your girl- In spite of it all, I still managed to vote Squelch! because they slaughtered Molly a Gr8 summer. gators! friend. C-ya! Hooper’s chances of ever garnering an elected position again. THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 10 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 11 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH As I stood in the dateroom wait- at least what God would sound like if ing for my blind date to show up, I be- He spoke in a high-pitched, airheaded Camel went to the Financial Aid Office and stood in line, Author’s Note: Camel is not a per- gan to wonder if everything would go trill), a cry came from a distant corner son. Camel is a camel. Camel is but he had to leave because he got too thirsty. not a cigarette company. Camel is Camel stood in front of the World War II Memorial Pool and well. It was my first invitational ever, of the room: “STOP!” a camel. If Camel were not a camel, wondered why there was not a fountain in it. Since he was preg- and I was nervous. When she finally Stephanie stopped in shock as she he would not be called Camel. nant, he climbed into the pool and gave birth: four baby camels. walked in the door she was a vision of forgot what she had been chanting, and Camel Camel Camel Camel. Camel went to Telegraph and got his front hump pierced beauty. (Well, beauty hidden under- the other girls quickly turned their Camel came to Sproul and saw various groups tabling their and the back one dyed black. He also got his name written on a neath a cloud of hairspray and several heads to see where the cry had come causes. He was relatively nonplussed with the situation, and de- grain of rice: CAMEL. sedimentary layers of makeup). She from. Then the voice spoke again. cided to lie down beneath one of the fucked-up-looking trees. Camel wanted to ride the elevator up to the top of the Cam- smiled at me and my knees grew weak. “Look! Something shiny!” Then an annoying man and woman came and sat on his humps panile, but his tail kept getting caught in the elevator doors, so he Gliding into the room she ap- Like a herd of and started singing bad renditions of Beatles songs. Camel de- slid it up into his bottom. proached me and introduced anorexic buffalo, the sisters cided he would form his own group: “Camel’s Get These An- Camel went to the eucalyptus grove and built a fort out of herself. “Hi, I’m Stephanie stampeded toward the ob- noying People The Hell Off My Back Club” (CGTAPTHOMBC). eucalyptus leaves. Finally, someone came by and Camel turned from Alpha Phi,” she said. ject in question: a small foil Camel started to table. He was the table. a trick so that he could buy a ticket to go see My Giant. Then, like a deer in head- gum wrapper lying on the Camel walked over to Dwinelle Plaza and saw an annoying Camel went up to the . He did not lights, her eyes grew wide floor. The lamplight delicately bald man blowing a metal whistle. Camel wished it were hotter, realize that the big whale outside was not real. Otherwise, he and a giddy cry came from glinting off the folds of the so that the whistle would melt, and he could mold it into a throw- probably would not have been trying so hard to hump it. ing star and throw it at the man. Camel passed Sproul again on his way home as he walked her lips: “Like, oh my God! wrapper hypnotized the girls, and Camel went into Eshelman and walked upstairs to the Daily to the BART station. A young man carrying a sign that read, “Elect That rhymes!” awestruck whispers could be heard Californian office. He took a crap on the floor and said, “that is me elect me elect me! #43523847809” approached him and said Clapping her hands together and from the onlooking crowd: “Wow, it what I think of your lousy publication!” Actually, Camel did not “blahblahblahblahblahblah.” Camel swung his hump ring over hopping around in a circle as her head is shiny.” “This is so much more fun say that, because he cannot talk, but if he could talk, that is what his head so that it would look like headphones and the young bobbed back and forth, the exuberant than clapping our hands.” “Do you he would have said, because that is what he was thinking. man would stop talking to him. sorority girl chanted “Stephanie from think I look fat?” As the unyielding Alpha Phi. Stephanie from Alpha power of discarded foil overtook the Phi...” Her sorority sisters gathered girls the loud speaker suddenly around in an inquisitive empty-headed boomed: “Hurry up! The buses are mass, clapping and shrieking with glee here!” But this modest announcement as my witless date continued to prance could do little to disrupt the trance and chant “Stephanie from Alpha Phi. Stephanie from Alpha Phi.” which had been created by the wrapper, and the girls of With no regard for rhythm or intellect, the girls of Al- Alpha Phi ignored this invitation and remained fixated on pha Phi continued to marvel at my date. Among the squeals the small bit of shiny. of happiness a cry of frustration came as one girl turned to Then, like a cry for help, the loud speaker boomed again: another and said, “Stephanie is so lucky, Melanie. I wish “Come on! The buses are here and we need to go get drunk!” my name rhymed with Alpha Phi.” Like a lightning bolt the word “drunk” shattered the With a comforting reach-around, Melanie cried back, wrapper’s enchantment, and everyone present hurried to- “I wish my name rhymed with Alpha Phi, too, Valerie.” Soon ward the hulking metal carriages which would convey them the other girls, including Tiffany, Marjorie, Brittany, and to a night of unbridled debauchery. Anne Marie, all began crying and pouting, wishing they Well, to make a long story short, we all got on the bus, went could share Stephanie’s joy. Then, like the voice of God (or to the cheesy bar, came home, and I got some.

THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 12 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 13 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH You might not know it, but graduation is the most en- Socrates: Courage must be found in the robe you wear. Read aloud the following story about a group of friends trying Just then, Horace the guy who always says “sl” when he means during secular ritual in the history of the world. Since sooner Ele: I see, the robe represents the courage I to put up a tent and see how many racial and/or ethnic slurs you can to say “wh” showed up and said, “Slut’s up, guys?” or later we’re all going to come face to face with the tradi- must display in even the most ordinary find embedded in the dialogue! “Just tending the garden,” Luke told him. tions that have developed to mark the end of one’s college aspects of my life. Cameron, Joe, Steve, and Morton agreed to get together and “And that’s the tooth!” Miles said, and they all laughed at his put up a large tent in Joe’s back yard for no good reason. Cameron, joke as they finished tending the garden. career, I thought I would give you a little taste of the his- Soc: No, my friend. I was simply refer- Joe, and Steve had already arrived, but Morton was running late. ring to the courage you show in drap- tory of some of the essential components of graduation. “I wonder where he could be,” commented Joe. Finally, see how many sexual innuendoes you can spot in this ing your incredibly misshapen genitals “Yeah,” said Steve. “He’d better not flake on us. He still owes story about a six-year-old boy’s birthday party. The Cap: Although caps have al- with such an outlandish garb. me five bucks.” Billy, Pete, Jimmy, and Eustace were celebrating Billy’s sixth birth- ways been part of graduation cer- “I wish he wasn’t so niggardly,” Cameron said. (Okay, okay, day, and eagerly waiting for Billy’s mom to come in with the cake. emonies, you might be interested to Pomp and Circumstance: The origin that was obvious, but now you get the idea). “Boy, I sure can’t wait to get my hands on some of that sweet hear that in 17th century France, the square cap was con- of this piece of music, played during the graduation “I’ll say,” Steve agreed. Just then, Morton’s fat ass showed up. creamy cake,” Pete said. sidered a delicacy. Eaten with crepes, it was considered ceremony’s procession, can be traced to the success of pro- “Hey guys,” Morton said. “Sorry I’m late, but I had to clean the “Me neither,” Billy agreed. “I wish my mom would hurry her appropriate for every meal. The origin of the tradition of fessional wrestling in the 1980’s. Wrestling legend Randy windows at my house. My dad wouldn’t let me leave until all the dumb ass up.” Just then, Billy’s mom’s dumb ass showed up. windows were spic-and-span.” “Here’s the cake, sweetie,” she said. “Now be sure and blow throwing the cap into the air at the end of the ceremony can “Macho Man” Savage used the piece as his entry music at “Oh,” Steve said. “Well, that’s okay then. Now let’s get this extra hard to get all those candles out. Oops! I forgot the plates. I’ll the beginning of his illustrious career. The use be found in feudal Japan. Traditionally, graduates from tent up for no good reason. Morton, you plant the stake and Cam’ll be right back.” And with that, Billy’s mom went back into the kitchen Ninja academies tossed ninja stars into the air as both an of the piece has been adopted to pay homage to jockey up the pole.” to get the plates. act of celebration and to eliminate some of their competi- the vast influence of the “Macho Man” on “Jockey up the pole?” Cam repeated. “What the hell does “Boy, Billy,” Jimmy said. “Your mom sure is a fine looking tion in the job market. The tradition made its way to the American education. In addition to perfecting that mean?” piece of ass.” U.S. when it became obvious that there was no way in hell the flying forearm, Savage also wrote the original versions “Nevermind,” Steve replied. “Just do it.” “I’ll say,” Pete agreed. “I could fuck that all day long.” everyone was going to be able to get a job after graduation. of the SAT. “Okay,” Cam said as he jockeyed up the pole. “Damn!” he “And that’s the tooth!” Eustace shouted, and they laughed at shouted suddenly. “I can’t seem to make this pole lock.” his little joke until Billy’s mom came back, lit the candles, and acci- The Tassel: Would you believe that the tassel was The Post-Graduation Meal: Numerous cultures through- “Just try harder,” Joe suggested. “So, Morton. How did your dentally set the whole house on fire, killing herself and all four chil- day go?” dren in a wretched inferno of death. Bestiality. originally an item found on the Passover Sedar plate. out history have practiced similar rituals after the comple- “You might want to say that again,” Steve told him. “People tion of the graduation ceremony. In the Philippines, gradu- While the maror or bitter herb symbolizes the bitter- may have missed that one.” ness of slavery, the Tassel represents the annoyance ates were subjected to circumcision. In several Native “Okay,” Joe agreed. “So, Morton. How did your DAY-GO?” of having a roommate incapable of flushing the toi- American tribes, graduates were “Fine,” Morton replied. “By the way, Steve, which is your fa- let. As the tassel moved from the Sedar to the gradu- hung on hooks by their nipples. The vorite Rolling Stone?” 12 Day South-East Asian Tours ation ceremony, this symbolism persisted and ancient Toltecs hurled spears at gradu- “Mick.” gained an even greater significance. The movement of the ates. These types of rituals have been replaced in modern “Mine, too!” From $1499 tassel from one side of the cap to the other can be seen to times by the post-graduation meal with the family. Rather “Boy, it sure is getting nippy out,” observed Joe. 14 Day Australian Tours “Did you guys watch the ‘Batman’ cartoon show today?” asked represent the process of flushing that one must endure. than subject the graduate to extreme forms of torture, to- From $2699 day they must simply endure several hours of continually Morton. “All the supervillains were in prison, and a corrupt warden helped get the Joker out.” being asked, “So, what are you going to do after gradua- 12 Day European Tours The Robe: Naturally, the graduation robe comes from the “Gosh, that’s pretty interesting, you Canadian moron,” said Steve. founders of the university in Ancient Greece. Some of the tion?” Not surprisingly, there is a movement within the “And that’s the tooth!” Cameron said, and they all laughed at From $1899 earliest evidence of this tradition can be seen in this pas- United States to reinstate the use of torture as an alterna- his little joke as they finished putting up the tent. 12 Day China Tours sage from one of the last Platonic dialogues, Elefantitus: tive to the meal. Suggested forms include: the iron maiden, Elefantitus: Tell me, Socrates, what do you think courage is? the rack, and balpeen hammer. Now see how many sexist and misogynistic terms you can find From $2099 in this story about gardening. Miles, Tyler, Luke, and Marshall were tending Miles’ garden. All of a sudden, Marshall tripped over one of their tools. “Damn!” cried Marshall. “Stupid hoe!” “I like that hoe,” said Miles. “Its blade is very broad.” Internet and Network devices for connection of multiple “Whoa!” shouted Tyler flamboyantly. “Check out those melons! computers through one ISP account. No more multiple bills. They’re stacked!” With one phone line, all access the internet simultaneously. “Yeah,” agreed Luke. “I piled them up yesterday.” A GREAT COST SAVER! “Hey!” said Miles. “Where’d that dog come from?” Þ Internet Routers, print servers, communication servers and monitors “It’s digging up the radishes!” whined Tyler. Þ Web design, management, and hosting “Is that a female dog?” Þ Links to water and land adventure activities and products “No,” Marshall said. “It isn’t.” (415) 982-0186 • 360 Post Street #602 • San Francisco www.wtwgroup.com • ph:(408)378-8636 • fax:(408)378-5927 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 14 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 15 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH “ ”

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