MAY 1999 1 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH T HE HEURISTIC QUELCH S I’m sitting here trying to My one regret is not having given Matt Holohan the re- Butchering the competition since 1991 come up with something intelligent spect that he deserved. Matt Holohan is the best Creative Edi- (Prime Rib) to say for my last column, the col- tor the Squelch has ever had. Ever. And he’s the best Creative Editor-in-Chief LUKE FILOSE umn for which I will be best re- Editor the Squelch will ever have, too. And I ain’t shittin’, Managing Editor PATRICK MARCKESANO membered as the most incompetent neither. I think I just always resented Matt because we were Creative Editor MATT HOLOHAN editor-in-chief of The Heuristic the only two redheads on the staff, and deep down I always Design Editor TYLER ROSCOE Squelch *ever*. I mean, now that knew that he was much more witty, intelligent, and better look- Graphics Editor MILES ZAJACZKOWSKI I’m about to graduate, I look ing than I could ever be. Damn that Irish bastard and his per- Editors Emeritus (Left-over Meat Loaf) back at these last four years of col- Ayala Ben-Yehuda, Ben Birken, Jason Rosenbaum fect body and his perfect mind and his perfect breath and his lege and realize what a fucking loser I’ve cynical and misogynistic yet strangely endearing personality. Assistant Editors (Hamburger Helper) Kenny Byerly, Allen Haim, Sean Keane been, and how much of a bigger fucking loser Matt may very well be the greatest man that ever lived, and I’m going to be in the future. I mean, I’m just so bitter about I’m just a big dumb peanut-headed nitwit. I could just die. Layout Staff (Warm Mutton) Cynthia Baran, Zack Fornaca, Bret Heilig, DanTram Nguyen, Phil everything because all you peons are in my way, and I’m much But you know what? I really couldn’t care less about that Tanofsky better than you with my well-developed, intelligent, hopelessly fucking idiot. Remember: I am the Prodigal Son. I am God Writers (Ham) Republican and war-mongering views on everything. And here. I am the stars...I am the planets... I can do it too! Stephen M. Berger, Kenny Byerly, Luke Filose, Allen Haim, Matt Holohan, Jesse Johnson, Sean Keane, Dan McLean, John could I be any more incoherent? I obviously just expect you to But back to praising Matt. Matt is so great. Everything Rauschenberg, Kevin Rogers, Tyler Roscoe, D. T. Scarlett put up with my horrendous writing style because what I have about him is wonderful. Especially his pants. I love those pants. Contributors (Ground Chuck) to say is so goddamned fascinating, and you obviously have And why do they even bother making different kinds of cats? Geoff Altrocchi, Jeremy Bishop, Vanessa Blong, Stephen Branczyk, Alexandra Fellowes, Zack Fornaca, Chris Garcia, Jenny nothing better to do than just put up with my shit, since I’m They all act the same. They all act like cats! There should be Greengold, Abraham Hart, Bret Heilig, Agnes Karczewski, M. already gracing you with my godlike presence. And your taste more people like Matt. I sure hope Matt gets laid soon so he Kare, Matt Kaufman, Chang Koo, Alex McIntyre, Lev Metz, DanTram Nguyen, Matt Pence, Christina Rubke, Conrad Seto, in music? Don’t even get me started about that. And blah blah can make more Matts. Ben Shaeffer, Brian Sinclair, Phil Tanofsky, Leslie Travis, Patrick blah love me blah blah pay attention to me blah blah I molest Trombley, Aaron Vinson, James Wynne, Sonia Zjawinski goats blah blah BLAH. Editor’s Note: This was probably not a good idea. –L.F. Artwork (Porterhouse) Cynthia Baran, Allen Haim, Patrick Marckesano, Dan McLean, Conrad Seto, Brian Sinclair, Miles Zajaczkowski Photography (Rump Roast) Matt Holohan, Patrick Marckesano, Tyler Roscoe Business & Advertsing (Filet Mignon) Christine Hsu, Gregory Strickland (510) 642-7670 t Squelch De-Cal Class Instructor (Dry Salami) Professor Stephen M. Berger Squelch! ASUC Senator (Chopped Liver) Todd Dipaola Printer (Hamachi) FRICKE-PARK (510) 793-6543 Submissions should be sent via the electronic fallopian tubes to [email protected] or by the good old-fashioned turkey baster to The Heuristic Squelch, 201 Heller Lounge, Student Union, Berkeley, CA 94720. Heuristic Squelch headquarters/office/time deprivation cham- ber located in Room 301, Eshleman Hall. SPECIAL THANKS to Dorothy Lazard and the Chancellor’s Commit- tee on Student Publications for their generous financial contribution (which was put to very good use at Kip’s), Summers from the Panhellenic Council for astutely pointing out the irreparable damage we are certain to cause the Greek Community at large (apparently Sig Ep deserved it, but dumb slutty sorority girls are off limits) and for arguing with Matt about daffodils, the ASUC for rewarding our janitorial efforts with the worst possible tabling location, and Alex “Chica Bonita” Vischer for making Patrick a sandwich while he was drunk. Disclaimer: This entire issue was found by a team of intrepid archaeologists in the Valley of Kings near Cairo, Egypt and painstakingly deciphered by a team of hard- working orangutans. The uninformed opinions, senseless observations, and gratu- itous obscenities found herein are the products of the deranged minds of our con- tributors, and not of the collective staff of The Heuristic Squelch or the students of the University of California. If you ever see Patrick Marckesano at a party, don’t believe a word he says because he’s a big liar. I sense much fear in you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suff-errrr-iiinnng! If forty hours on layout you spend, this funny you will be. Mmm? THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH 2 MAY 1999 MAY 1999 3 THE HEURISTIC SQUELCH merous illicit affairs and ensuing im- chromosomes, which keeps him from more horrific television failures. The Spears herself has agreed to conduct a all times to scare away potentially ag- peachment trial, are now waning due performing such acts properly. embarrassing ad campaign removed rigorous application process to select gressive dormitories. to his use of force to promote humani- The lowest bidder, and winner of the final scrap of personal pride from suitors in an orderly manner. Potential tarian causes in Kosovo. This, along the contract, was Armageddon Plumb- Danza, freeing him to star in a TV deflowerers will be chosen based on with the fact that you people always ing of Oakland, the same company that movie with the Olsen twins and begin length, circumference, and papule size. Gay benefits could soon be imple- complain about the government and installs plumbing on NASA space a month-long stint on “Hollywood When asked his feelings about the mented for employees throughout Ber- still don’t vote, as well as the recent shuttles. The contractor, one Bruce Squares.” When reached for comment, contest, McGrath said, “Man, fuck that keley, if certain city council members success of the film Titanic, all, accord- Willis, performed his duties “like a real Danza muttered, “Angela... Mona... noise. Application or no application, I’m The ACLU is investigating reports have their way. A hotly debated new ing to the report, “...really make us trooper. A cunnilingus trooper,” ac- Samantha...” before bursting into tears. gonna spear that Spears. You just watch.” that a group of Berkeley students were resolution put before the council last wonder just what the hell you people cording to Starchman. The tools Willis Many applicants are wondering if allegedly angrily thrown out of a local week could require all Berkeley employ- are thinking.” used, most of them recommended by Spears’ manager will be instrumental mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. “All ers to offer certain gay benefits. Con- “What’s with you people, any- the House Ways and Means Commit- in the selection process. “Are you kid- we did was ask for a fork, man,” in- trary to popular misconception, this way?” inquired Dr. James Fitsimmons, tee, included several hydraulic drills, ding?” he said. “I’ll be the first one to sisted one of the students. “But maybe measure would not offer any specific one of the head researchers. “I mean, various clamps, levers, pulleys, circu- apply! Why do you think I took her on bringing up the whole Tiananmen rights to homosexual couples, but would sometimes I just can’t believe the cav- lar saws, sandblasters, a divining rod, UC Berkeley junior Patrick in the first place? Her voice? Nosiree. Square thing was a bad idea. They apply to all workers in the city. The pro- ernous depths of stupidity you people a riding mower, a 1977 Oldsmobile Campbell vehemently denied earlier this I’m more interested in where that voice didn’t see the irony of the fact that the posal mandates employer-provided are capable of achieving.” Cutlass Supreme, two unidentified week that he is actually “Kubiac,” the comes from, if you catch my drift.” students were gathered next to what the spoiled eggnog year-round, as well as When asked about the possible re- members of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, monosyllabic gentle giant from the early- Spears was unavailable for comment. government had declared the ‘Democ- comprehensive medical coverage for action you people might have to the and the Jaws of Life. Willis declined 90s sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.” racy Wall.’” any injury not requiring treatment. report, Fitsimmons answered, “Well I to comment about rumors linking evil “I don’t understand why everyone thinks The owners of the restaurant later “Dude, those benefits are hella suppose it’s possible that some of you Yugoslavian President Slobodan I’m Kubiac,” exclaimed a frustrated apologized for their actions, admitting gay,” exclaimed Councilmember people might not agree with the find- Milosevic to the project.