SUPERSTORE (spec script) "Grillmaster"
Written by
Josh Fruhlinger
[email protected] 443-739-2157 PREVIOUSLY ON SUPERSTORE Amy and Adam are estranged but Amy is pregnant with Adam’s baby. Dina has agreed to be a surrogate for Glenn and Jerusha but is increasingly disgusted by the physical reality of her pregnancy. Jeff betrayed the rest of the gang in return for getting his job back as a Cloud 9 exec. Amy and Jonah had sex, which was accidentally broadcast to all other Cloud 9 stores worldwide. 2.
COLD OPEN
INT. - ELECTRONICS DEPT. - DAY AMY, GLENN, DINA (heavily pregnant), and MARCUS are standing in front of the BIG-SCREEN TVs, which are all turned off. AMY Can’t we just wait one more day to turn them back on? MARCUS Oh, I get it. Afraid they’ll rebroadcast your and Jonah’s little home movie, and you’ll get worked up and want to re-enact it. I’ve been there. AMY makes a disgusted noise. She spots JONAH across the store and tries to make eye contact, but he’s looking over his shoulder at something we can’t see and walking rapidly away. MARCUS (CONT’D) (shouting to Jonah) Looking good, big guy! DINA Corporate says we have to leave the TVs on. Otherwise customers think we’re just selling TV-shaped pieces of plastic, like we did before we settled the lawsuit in 2014. GLENN And they’ve gone through the trouble of creating a decency filter to install on all the televisions. If not for you and Jonah, that wouldn’t have even been invented! He turns the TV on with a remote. We see a TALK SHOW HOST who looks very much like, but is for legal reasons distinct from, Ellen Degeneres. TALK SHOW HOST ...and joining us today is Adam Dubanowski-- AMY cringes. Everyone avoids eye contact with her except DINA, who turns to look at her with intense interest. 3.
TALK SHOW HOST (CONT’D) --who you probably know as the husband of the Cloud 9 employee who- The video and audio abruptly cut out, replaced by a high- pitched beeping and text reading DECENCY FILTER ACTIVATED. Glenn looks satisfied. AMY Can we just change the channel? TALK SHOW HOST (suddenly back) --but he’s not here to talk about that video. AMY He’s not? TALK SHOW HOST He’s here to talk about his grilling videos, which have gone mega-viral. GLENN That’s the good kind of viral, right? We see ADAM sitting on a couch on-set. ADAM Well, it turns out lots of people were searching on “Dubanowski,” and my YouTube channel was the second most popular hit. TALK SHOW HOST And people really connected with your grilling artistry! ADAM That’s right. I’ve got a book deal, and a TV series in development. They keep chatting eagerly over these next lines. AMY I think I’m going to be sick. DINA (holding her belly) You’re still in that phase, huh? Me, I gotta pee all the time. I’ve been trying to hold out. (MORE) 4. DINA (CONT'D) If I wanted regular bathroom breaks, I’d join a union. She clenches her fist and grimaces. AMY No, I mean, this was always Adam’s dream. And it’s happening ... now. GLENN Well, that’s great for him! AMY Yeah, Glenn. It’s great. She slouches off. After a beat, DINA unclenches her fist. DINA Nope, gotta go. She trots off in the opposite direction. GLENN and MARCUS watch the TV in silence for a moment. MARCUS (confused) So ... do we not like grilling? Onscreen, ADAM and the TALK SHOW HOST are about to DAB, when the DECENCY FILTER kicks in again. GLENN nods, appreciative END OF COLD OPEN 5.
ACT ONE
INT. - MULTIPURPOSE ROOM - DAY GLENN is addressing the whole staff during the morning meeting, already in progress. GLENN ...and so when we talk about the inflatable rafts, legally we can’t say “water” or “float.” GARRETT How about “summer fun”? GLENN “Fun” is iffy, but I think it’s OK. Now, we’re going to watch a video-- Everyone perks up. GLENN (CONT’D) --from Cloud 9 Vice President of Competitive Quality Jeff Sutton. Everyone moans and slouches again. GLENN (CONT’D) C’mon, it’s Jeff! You know, from before! MATEO rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath as the video starts. JEFF Hello, Cloud 9 team members! I’m here to share with you some competitive intel I gathered when working undercover at ... well, let’s just call it “Big Red.” DINA (squatting to try to get comfortable) He’s talking about Target. They’re one of our competitors. MATEO and AMY are sitting at a table together and start whispering to each other. 6.
MATEO I cannot believe the three separate levels of unreality he’s operating on right now. AMY What happened with you guys? MATEO I broke up with him, obviously. He betrayed us. Plus he moved to Chicago, gross. AMY (teasing) Did you dump him before you found out he was going to be a vice president? MATEO Did you cheat on your husband before you found out he would be a grilling YouTube millionaire? AMY blinks, stung, and sits back. AMY We were ... already separated. JEFF These short videos -- I call them “Jeffisodes” -- will explain how we can counter “Big Red”’s techniques. Depending on where you are in the store, you’ll get them automatically pushed to your phones. JONAH has been sitting near the exit at a table with SANDRA, looking anxious. JONAH Wait, don’t we have to consent to have our phones-- DINA (now bending over and holding her lower back) Nope. JONAH’s phone lights up with JEFF’s face. 7.
JEFF (on the phone) Did you know that dirty dishes in the break room can lead to Legionnaire’s Disease? SANDRA (loudly, to the phone) I didn’t! Thanks, Jeff!
INT. - HOUSEWARES - DAY GLENN is watching his phone, mesmerized. AMY, craning her neck around, approaches him. AMY Glenn, have you seen J-- GLENN (not hearing her) Look! It’s your house! We see that GLENN is watching one of ADAM’s videos. He’s in the backyard standing in front of the grill. AMY Technically, yes, it is. ADAM Next, add the barbecue sauce. Don’t be intimidated: this is something you can buy in any store. GLENN mouths “barbecue sauce” silently. AMY That’s actually from a few years ago. You can see some of Emma’s old toys. GLENN Ooh, are you the one filming this? AMY God, no. That’s Adam’s “producer” Derek. Who I believe was sleeping on our couch at the time. DEREK (O.S.) Dude, the chicken leg is on fire! 8.
ADAM Crap. All right, we can, uh, fix this in post. GLENN (reverently) Movie magic.
INT. - PERSONAL CARE - DAY DINA is sitting in an folding chair, looking profoundly uncomfortable. She ignores JONAH power-walking by, followed a few seconds later by a PREGNANT WOMAN. A beat later, AMY arrives, looking after JONAH but not following him, then looking at DINA. AMY Dina. Can I talk to you about something? DINA Is it about having a creature inside you hollowing you out, like a serpent digging through the earth? AMY ...no? DINA Thank God. Great. Shoot. AMY You’re pretty good setting boundaries with Glenn. DINA His genetic material is currently gestating to term in my torso. But, other than that one thing? Yes. AMY It’s just that, he seems real fixated on Adam’s grilling videos, which is fine! But I don’t really want to see them, and I also don’t want to get into the state of our marriage with Glenn, because ... he might be judging me, morally! You know, what with... DINA The on-camera fornication? 9.
AMY Yeah. DINA I wouldn’t worry about it. Glenn won’t judge anyone, because he’s incredibly weak. AMY Oh. DINA Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of stuff in the Bible he could condemn you with, but that’s just not how he’s built. Now, if I believed in any of that, you would not know what hit you. Fortunately, religion is all fake, so I can tell you that I actually admire you. AMY For accidentally broadcasting my sex life across the planet? DINA For still being able to see yourself as a sexual being, even though your body is being, you know, ruined! And honestly? It wasn’t that great in the first place. AMY Always nice to be admired. DINA I’m serious. I want to have sex again some day, and I need to know how you tricked yourself into thinking Jonah saw you as anything other than the swollen host to a grotesque parasite. AMY You know, I think I’m just going to ride it out with Glenn. He’ll lose interest eventually. DINA Suit yourself. She winces and puts a hand on her belly 10.
DINA (CONT’D) You ever see the movie Aliens?
INT. - LAWN PRODUCTS - DAY GARRETT is looking at his phone, with GLENN standing over his shoulder looking down on it. JEFF (O.S.) At “Big Red,” they take cues from the fashion industry. Customers don’t buy for now, they buy for the future, so put out seasonal items two, even three months in advance. GARRETT Jeff does seem pretty smart. GLENN He was a spy! GARRETT Yes, that was definitely a real thing that happened. We switch camera angles so we now see from their POV out the front door of the store: snow blows across the parking lot, with huge drifts visible in the background. GARRETT (CONT’D) If this was “Big Red,” we’d be thinking about May right now. People are buying for the future! GLENN I think I have an idea.
INT. - HOUSEWARES - DAY AMY and CAROL are walking together, AMY with a manic grin. AMY ...and so I said, you know what? How long can someone think about grilling? He’ll get bored with it. CAROL Don’t you usually talk to Jonah about this sort of thing? They arrive at-- 11.
INT. - LAWN PRODUCTS - DAY GLENN is putting the finishing touches on a display of GRILLS, CHARCOAL, and MEATS -- and, right in the center, is a television playing one of ADAM’s grilling videos. There’s also a very distorted-looking life-size cutout of ADAM standing next to the grill, and a sign that says “Grillmaster Adam Dubanowski: Part of the Cloud 9 Family!” ADAM (on screen) Now, raw might be OK for sushi and cookie dough. But when it comes to meats, trust me: you’re gonna want them cooked. GLENN (gesturing to the cutout of Adam) Look, Amy! I printed it from your Facebook! She stares in horror as CAROL slowly backs out of the frame. END OF ACT ONE 12.
ACT TWO
INT. - GLENN’S OFFICE - DAY AMY is sitting across the desk from GLENN, who is sheepish and downcast. AMY ...so I’m not a fan of having Adam’s videos playing in the store. I mean, business-wise, very smart. People are buying for the future. GLENN Grilling season is coming up! The howling wind outside rattles the windows. AMY But, with Adam and me having so much trouble lately, the videos are- GLENN Upsetting. AMY Yes. GLENN A reminder. AMY Exactly! GLENN (sotto voce) You’ve been having a lot of trouble with videos lately. AMY I’m sorry? GLENN Never mind. I am sorry to be so insensitive. You don’t have to tell me twice! AMY Thank you, Glenn. I appreciate it. GLENN So ... do you want...? 13.
He gestures towards the life-sized cutout of ADAM. AMY You know, I’m gonna pass.
INT. - STOCKROOM - DAY JONAH power-walks in, looking haunted, startling MARCUS, who has lined up shot glasses on a bench and is filling them with spray cheese. MARCUS Nothing’s going on here! You can’t even drink this stuff, no matter how hard you try! JONAH Oh, God, this is the worst case scenario. Doesn’t matter, I have to tell someone. Marcus, do you remember the video of me and Amy? MARCUS Very, very much. Wait, am I not supposed to? I mean, I’ve heard of it. JONAH Apparently, the video was posted on a discussion forum for expectant mothers, and, well -- I have fans.
INT. - OUTSIDE STOCKROOM - DAY We see JONAH and MARCUS peeking out through the stockroom doors. In the foreground, two pregnant women are looking around, then lock eyes suspiciously. DINA briskly walks through the scene. DINA If you’re looking for adult diapers, they’re in aisle 12. If you’re not, you should be. We’re all going to need them and I hate it so much.
INT. - STOCKROOM - DAY JONAH Truth be told, it’s kind of flattering. (MORE) 14. JONAH (CONT'D) You know, to have a reputation as a giving and attentive lover. MARCUS I’ll take your word for it. JONAH It’s how I’ve always seen myself, to be honest. But I’m not interested in being, like, a gigolo for all these women. MARCUS Right, so you want me to figure out which are the best ones for you to have sex with. Question one: are they sexier to you the more pregnant they get. JONAH Right, this is exactly where I was afraid this conversation would go. MARCUS Question two: can I have sex with the ones that you don’t want to have sex with. JONAH (leaving) Gonna take my chances out there!
INT. - BOOKS - DAY COREY is halfway up a ladder, while GARRETT is at the bottom, handing him books out of a box to place on high shelves. COREY Aqua. GARRETT finds a book with an aqua cover and passes it up. COREY (CONT’D) Periwinkle. Again, GARRETT passes up another book. COREY (CONT’D) This is more of a cerulean, isn’t it? 15.
MATEO walks by, then stops short, looking at them quizzically. GARRETT presses a button on his phone and locks eyes with MATEO. JEFF (O.S.) The book section should be pleasing to the eye, not just the mind. Try arranging the shelves in order of color. GARRETT wheels out of the way so we can see that the bookshelf is a rainbow. MATEO You’re kidding me. GARRETT We’ve got Bill O’Reilly’s latest, right next to the Twilight box set, right next to this big book of queer theory, because they’re all blue. COREY They do it at Target, so it must work. GARRETT (looking right at Mateo) Gosh, Jeff’s a smart guy, isn’t he? MATEO rolls his eyes and keeps walking.
INT. - LAWN PRODUCTS - DAY DINA is lying on her back a hammock, looking miserable. CHEYENNE wanders by and breaks into a smile when she sees DINA’s belly. DINA Fine. I can’t patrol the store. I can’t even sit still to watch all the monitors in the security room. I’m a failure as an assistant manager. Are you happy? She sits up, head swiveling around. DINA (CONT’D) The whole store’s falling apart, isn’t it? 16.
CHEYENNE No! I just came over to see if the baby’s kicking. DINA Some kind of aggressive movement is definitely happening down there. Maybe capoeira? Hard to tell. CHEYENNE Can I feel? Without waiting for an answer, she puts her hands on Dina’s belly and squeals softly in delight. CHEYENNE (CONT’D) I was just remembering when I got to this part with Harmonica. It was such a special time! DINA I guess if you consider having something attacking you from the inside special. She looks contemplative for a moment. DINA (CONT’D) Wait, are you saying you actually ... liked being pregnant? CHEYENNE Oh, yes! Everyone was nice to me, Bo paid more attention to me ... And I just felt that glow. DINA I can’t believe I’m saying this, but: I want you to teach me.
INT. - OUTSIDE STOCKROOM - DAY AMY and CAROL are walking together again, with CAROL looking distinctly unenthusiastic. AMY It’s not like he’s avoiding me. It’s not like he has any reason to, you know? I just want to get past any weirdness, and track him down, figure out what’s going on. 17.
CAROL So, just so we’re clear: once we find Jonah, he’s the one you’re going to talk about this feeling stuff with. They turn a corner and spot JONAH, who’s been backed against a wall by two PREGNANT WOMEN, who are flirting with him fairly heavily. His body language is halfway between scared and coquettish, and when he spots AMY, he jumps and looks guilty. AMY So, what, is this a ... thing now? PREGNANT WOMAN #1 Ma’am, I just want to say, I have nothing but respect for your work. AMY shakes here head and stalks off. CAROL All right, I take it back. There was a payoff to this. END OF ACT TWO 18.
ACT THREE
EXT. - PARKING LOT - DAY MATEO, bundled up against the cold, is wrangling carts into the corral. There are a group of sort of odd looking men standing nearby, who he eyes warily as he goes inside.
INT. - CHECKOUT/ENTRANCE - DAY MATEO encounters SANDRA, who is eagerly giving directions to customers before they can even say anything to her. SANDRA Forks and knives? Aisle 17. Mouthwash, ma’am, am I right? Aisle 34, by the pharmacy. You look like a kayak man, sir, and that’s aisle 1. Everyone is looking at her with either confusion or irritation as she bundles them off in various directions. MATEO Sandra, what are you doing? SANDRA holds her phone up and plays a Jeffisode. JEFF Do customers know what they want? Sometimes. Not often. That’s why you have to use your intuition and guide them on their purchasing journey. SANDRA Ma’am? He’s over there. SANDRA is pointing a PREGNANT WOMAN in the direction of JONAH, who’s towards the back of the store. He does a double- take as he sees her coming and hides behind some shelves. SANDRA (CONT’D) (to Mateo) I never realized how intelligent Jeff was. It must’ve been hard dating him and not being intimidated. MATEO snorts in disgust and stalks off. 19.
INT. - INTERCOM AREA - DAY GARRET, staring off into the distance, is partway through an announcement. GARRETT ...and with our inflatable rafts, you can get ready for summer fun near the body of water of your choice. MATEO strides purposefully up to him, then looks a little bashful. MATEO Garrett. GARRETT Mateo. MATEO sighs heavily. MATEO Garrett. You’re known for a certain ... romantic detachment. GARRETT Am I? MATEO Well, I mean. You never seem to be hung up on anyone you dated. GARRETT No, I suppose not. MATEO What’s your secret? GARRETT I guess I’m just aware of my own value. I think I’m pretty good and any ex of mine is missing out. MATEO But how do you deal with it if everyone you know seems to be telling you how great your ex is and implying that you should get back together? GARRETT regards him strangely for a moment. 20.
GARRETT That usually doesn’t happen to me. MATEO (grinning mirthlessly) Of course not! Me neither. Of course. GARRETT All right then. MATEO Uh huh. An awkward pause. GARRETT You know this reminds me of another Jeffisode... MATEO’s smile tightens.
INT. - PHARMACY - DAY JONAH is once again backed into a corner by a PREGNANT WOMAN, who is speaking to him in low, urgent tones. PREGNANT WOMAN #2 And my husband knows I’m here. He’s seen the video. He knows that he can’t provide what I want right now. JONAH Ma’am, you said you wanted me to show you where the adult diapers were and I treated that request with good faith. TATE (poking head from behind counter) We’re actually weirdly out of adult diapers today. I’m not sure why we’re going through them so quickly. JONAH Not the time, Tate. Look, ma’am, just because you saw a video, taken without my consent, of me with someone ... (MORE) 21. JONAH (CONT'D) very special to me, doesn’t mean that I am just available, OK? I am not the kind of person who wants to be intimate with someone he doesn’t know well. PREGNANT WOMAN #2 Know well? By the time we’d know each other well I’d have a baby, and I won’t want to have sex with anybody. JONAH Well that is not my problem. This is a place of business and you need to be ... on your way. But first -- who told you where I was? She gestures towards the front of the store. SANDRA, looking more harried now, is still directing traffic. JONAH’s eyes narrow.
INT. - PERSONAL CARE - DAY DINA and CHEYENNE are having a “spa day,” wearing robes and face masks and lying back in beach chairs. CHEYENNE Aren’t you feeling relaxed? DINA is obviously uncomfortable, shifting from side to side. DINA When do we get to the part where I stop thinking about how my body is wrapped around an intruder? CHEYENNE No, you want to think about your body! Think about what it can do. You’re capable of making a whole new life! Isn’t that amazing? DINA You know what my parrot is capable of doing? Dropping an egg in a nest and then just leaving it there for four weeks. You don’t even need the parrot after that. You can just keep it warm with a light bulb until it hatches. That’s amazing. This... 22.
She gestures to her distended belly. DINA (CONT’D) This is just inefficient. CHEYENNE I ... guess so. But you get a baby at the end of it. The most beautiful thing. DINA face changes as she has a sudden epiphany. DINA I get it now. You were excited to meet your baby. That’s the difference. DINA gets up abruptly and walks off. CHEYENNE looks in either direction, then slowly lowers herself back onto the chair.
INT. - HOUSEWARES - DAY AMY and MATEO are walk-and-talking through the store. AMY No. I understand, obviously. I didn’t like seeing videos of my ex all over the place either. Their phones tweedle and JEFF’s muffled voice comes from their pockets. JEFF (O.S.) Remember: Stack plates in alternating colors for a striking shelf display! MATEO I know Dina somehow made it impossible for us to turn our phones off, but at least people could stop talking him up all the time! AMY Look, your co-workers are more sensitive than you think if you’re up-front with them. Glenn put the kibosh on the Adam videos, and I’m sure Garrett will back off on the helpful Jeff tips. They’ve now arrived at-- 23.
INT. - INTERCOM AREA - DAY GARRETT is about to start an announcement, but stops and looks slightly panicked as AMY and MATEO arrive. AMY Garrett. GARRETT Amy. AMY Mateo has something to say to you. Go on. MATEO (gathering himself) So Amy asked Glenn to hold off on showing any videos of Adam, and I would like the same consideration in regards to discussion of Jeff. There. There it is. GARRETT Oooh, I’m afraid you’re going to be real disappointed. MATEO So you can’t even treat me-- GARRETT Oh, I’m not talking to you. He leans into the microphone GARRETT (CONT’D) (over mic) Attention Cloud 9 shoppers: please visit our lawn products section in 15 minutes for an in-person demonstration from our very special guest, YouTube grilling sensation Adam Dubanowski! AMY looks over, horrified, to the lawn products area, where ADAM is talking to GLENN. GLENN elbows ADAM in the ribs and ADAM waves wanly at AMY. END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR 24.
INT. - LAWN PRODUCTS - DAY ADAM is showing CAROL, flirty and a little too interested, his set of GRILL BRUSHES. CAROL So, are there different ... lengths for different purposes? ADAM No, mostly I just change them as they get dirty so I don’t have to clean them. A few feet away AMY and GLENN are talking in hushed tones. It’s obvious that AMY is furious. AMY We discussed this! GLENN Right! The videos, it hurt to see him on-screen and not be near him! That’s why I invited him here! So you can reconcile. AMY That is not at all what I meant! And why do you think I even want to reconcile? GLENN But ... you have a b- AMY Don’t even say it. I will talk to you ... later. She starts to walk away but ADAM spots her and intercepts her. ADAM Hey! AMY Adam, I’m sorry, but-- ADAM No. I know why Glenn called me here. He’s ... pretty transparent. They look up and see him waving at them from a few feet away. 25.
ADAM (CONT’D) It’s not happening. I just wanted to tell you that I know that. But I haven’t had a chance to talk to you, since all the YouTube money started coming in. You won’t return my messages. AMY T’cha, who listens to voice mail anymore? Old people. ADAM Amy, we’re 35. She looks sheepish. ADAM (CONT’D) I just wanted to tell you: all the money from the video ads and the books, and the TV deal that probably won’t pan out -- it’s all going into a fund for Emma and, well, this one. He points at her belly. Amy is begrudgingly impressed. AMY Wow. What made you decide to be so responsible for once? ADAM Derek, believe it or not. AMY Derek gave you sound financial advice? ADAM No. Derek already spent his share on a velour Bentley. And it got wet, like, right away. They both laugh. GLENN Adam! We’re about to start! ADAM I gotta go. Let’s talk when you bring Emma over, OK? 26.
INT. - INTERCOM AREA - DAY MATEO, dejected, is sitting at a table a few feet away from GARRETT. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and a Jeffisode pops up. JEFF At “Big Red,” they always have popcorn machines running by the doorway, because people associate the smell with movies, and they associate the movies with big savings! He smiles and shakes his head, and pulls up the screen to initiate a Facetime call to JEFF. Now instead of the Jeffisodes we’ve been seeing, we see JEFF in real time. JEFF (CONT’D) Mateo? Suddenly GARRETT, who has stealthily rolled up behind Mateo, reaches over his should and yanks the phone out of his hand. GARRETT Oh, hey, I just found this phone in the toilet, so I guess the toilet water called you by accident, sorry! He hangs up before JEFF can respond. MATEO What was that about? GARRETT OK, I can tell I need to be a lot less subtle. You know how you asked me how I keep my cool, romantically? MATEO Yeah? GARRETT Well, part of it is that I don’t get sad, I get even. Specifically, I let everyone know that whoever broke my heart isn’t all that. 27.
He turns around and gestures around the store, and we see all of the Jeffisode advice going wrong: people are pulling the color-coded books off the shelves looking for the right one, baffled shoppers are going through a clothes rack full shorts under a sign that reads WINTER COATS, and Sandra is frowning as multiple people at the front of the store yell at her. GARRETT (CONT’D) And if one of my friends can’t do it for themselves, I pick up the slack. MATEO smiles. They look over at ADAM at the grill. He manages to catch his shirtsleeve on fire; CAROL tries to put it out with her vest, which also catches on fire. MATEO Is that one of yours? GARRETT I’m not even sure, honestly.
INT. - GLENN’S OFFICE - EVENING AMY and GLENN sit across his desk from one another. The FIRE ALARM goes off briefly, but then stops before either gets up. GLENN I’m sorry, Amy. I just want you to be happy! And I thought Adam would make you happy. AMY I appreciate that, Glenn, though that is clearly insane. I’m not sure what’s going to make me happy in the future. But even if I wanted to, I’m pretty sure Adam’s not up for getting back together with the woman who made a worldwide live sex tape with someone else while pregnant with his child. GLENN Stranger things have happened. You should read the Bible sometimes. I mean it! Nobody realizes how messed up some of the family stuff in the Old Testament is. AMY smiles and is about to say something when suddenly DINA bursts into the room. 28.
DINA OK, listen up, I figured something out. I’ve been trying to win this pregnancy in the short term, by (air quotes) “feeling physically comfortable” and “peeing at normal times” and “having some emotional attachment to your unborn child.” But you know what? That’s a mug’s game. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m gonna survive the next few months, hand over your perfectly formed and healthy baby to you and Jerusha, then go back to my life like nothing ever changed, and that is how I’ll win. Everything else is just secondary. So watch out, you’re on notice. Then she turns to AMY. AMY Have fun loving your baby, chump. She waddles out as confidently as possible. GLENN You know, my family situation is kind of strange too.
INT. - MULTIPURPOSE ROOM - EVENING SANDRA, looking exhausted, opens the door into the darkened room, light spilling in from the outside. JONAH (lurking in the shadows) Hello ... Sandra. SANDRA Aaaahhh! JONAH I witnessed some pretty disturbing behavior from you today, Sandra. SANDRA More disturbing than lying in wait for people in dark rooms? 29.
JONAH Why are you directing potential sexual predators my way, Sandra? SANDRA I only did when they asked. And only the ones that seemed harmless. My therapist says there’s only so much Sandra to go around sometimes, and I have to conserve my energy for the hard parts, like keeping out all the guys trying to find Amy. JONAH (does that Jonah sputtering/recalibrating thing) Oh. So there are ... guys? Guys. For Amy? SANDRA Some guys just like a pregnant girl, I guess. Anyway, I convinced them that she was going to eventually come out and put all the carts away so they should wait out there, but it took a lot of wrangling. Sorry I let the ladies through. JONAH No, it’s OK. But you know what? I have an idea.
EXT. - PARKING LOT - EVENING JONAH and AMY are walking out, close but not quite holding hands. AMY So you weren’t tempted at all by any of the hot moms-to-be. JONAH Look, it’s nice to have your skills recognized -- from afar. But it is a lady who happens to be pregnant that I’m attracted to. Not just any pregnant lady. 30.
AMY I have to admit I’m a little jealous. JONAH Of the preggos? (catches himself) Of the other women experiencing nature’s miracle? AMY Of Adam. Getting to live his dream, finally. And I’m not even there. I’m ... still at Cloud Nine JONAH Yeah, me too. They smile wistfully at each other. AMY (craning neck) What’s going on over there? JONAH Oh, just little thing Sandra and I thought up. We pan over to the cart corrals: the PREGNANT WOMEN and PREGNANCY FETISHISTS are lined up about ten feet away from each other, eyeing each other with interest. SANDRA OK, these are the rules: all men need to have a recommendation from a female friend or an ex-girlfriend you’re on good terms with, no exceptions! Social media messages so we can see her picture. Come on, gents! A few feet further away, DINA is chatting up one of the FETISHISTS. DINA Look, I’m not going to lie to you, my primary goal is just getting back on that horse, recalibrating my headspace to accommodate my current weird body situation. Nothing emotional or anything like that. Are you in? 31.
FETISHIST Absolutely. END OF SHOW