All you ever The Dean says wanted to know goodbye to about the ASCIT graduating budget and more. senIors.
see page 2 see page 3
THE CALIFORNIA TECH
VOLUME xcvrn, NUMBER 31 PASADENA, CALIFORNIA FRIDAY, JUNE 6,1997 President Everhart, final thoughts Election Results
BY ERIK STREED versity in Ithaca, New York. dollars in new construction. The official winners of the election held last Monday are: However, Everhart would even When he left for Caltech, over Tom Everhart, President of tually come to Caltech in the fall 60% of the funding had been se BoC Secretary Alex Ihler Caltech, is leaving the Institute. of 1987, leaving his Chancellor cured. The bug followed him and Senior Class President Myfanwy Callahan We spoke with him for a bit ship (sp?) at the University of Il during his administration Caltech Senior Class Secretaryrrreasurer Kiran Shekar Thursday afternoon to discuss linois at Urbana-Champagne has undergone its third building Junior Class President Aimee Pierce some of his thoughts and reflec· (sp?) (UIVC) to take on the role boom. A Master Plan which adds tions on Caltech. of President. He had the typical several more buildings along the Junior Class Secretaryrrreasurer NO first impressions of Cal tech: a newly created Rose Walk (it's the Handling the NO is the AS CIT BoD's problem, unless 20% Thomas Everhart: Professor small, focused, excellent institu thing between Avery and Moore of the juniors-ta-be submit a petition to hold a new election. (Wait of Applied Physics and Electri tion. In addition to this he was Labs) outlines the expansion of until next year, 'kay?) cal Engineering, takes his steak struck by the politeness of both the Cal tech campus north to Del Stop reading here. broiled medium well, answers his the students and the faculty. Over Mar Boulevard. Under Everhart, Okay, if you must have the numbers, here we go: 243 valid own email, and is retiring after the years he has come to believe the first big fund-raising push in votes were cast overall. There was one error point for the Boe 10 years as the president of that Caltech's small size and per the past two decades occurred. Secretary election alone (it was on one of the "other" ballots) and no Cal tech. He hands Cal tech, the sonal aspects breed humility and The Campaign for Cal tech, the error points for the senior or junior class elections. (This is a Good institution he has described in his respect among the members of Second Century of Discovery, ex Thing.) 88 votes were cast for senior class offices, and 71 for junior own words as "a national trea the community. During his time ceeded its $350 million goal and class offices. sure.," off to MIT biologist David here he has watched Caltech's raised $394 million. After the Absolute majority is defined as greater than half the correctly-cast, non-abstaining votes plus half the error. A candidate Baltimore. This transition fol sense of community grow to in success of this special fund-rais must receive absolute majority to win. The wacky details of this lows the addition of Bi I to the clude and appreciate the vital but ingevent, Caltech's annual fund whole thing are laid out in the bylaws, Article 8, Section 6 - if undergraduate core and continues often unsung staff. raising jumped from $40 million you're reading this section, you might as well read that too. Cal tech's tum towards the bio The President of Cal tech is to $60 million a year. This money Each successive line represents a separate redistribution, as logical sciences. the primary fundraiser for the helped renovate many of the labs described in Article 8. Caltech tried to recruit school. At UIUC, Everhart over and buildings at Caltech, in ad Everhart in the late 1970's but saw the creation of a Master Plan dition to financing several new BoC Secretary: instead he went to Cornell Un i- which outlined over $1 billion buildings. Bradley Ihler Yeh Write-ins NO Abstain Abs Maj 84 102 34 4 9 10 118 86 102 35 -- -- 20 113 Frosh--Soph Battle For Supremacy 91 109 -- I -- 42 102 Senior Class President: Callahan Stofer Chen Rodriguez Wong NO Abstain Abs Maj BY MICHAEL SHUMWAY a day of sorrow. The victors ronym for the Roman Tug Of will advance in status to either War-EO which routinely sold 10 13 4 10 4 0 45 Cal tech has probably sophomore or junior depending out colosseums faster than the Senior Class Secretarytrreasurer: taught you that academics and on which side wins. For the gladiator battles. Zheng Shekar Nakada NO Write-in Abstain Abs Maj a clean suit will get you a job side which loses there will be The contest will begin 24 36 18 5 0 5 42 in the real world if you get out a ceremony in the evening when classes end. So at 5 p.m. 24 36 18 -- 0 10 40 26 40 -- -- 1 21 34 of here* Unfortunately, it is where their remains will be cre on the lawn between the Ath my responsibility to reveal the mated in the Ricketts House and the South Houses the battle Junior Class President: truth. Brains don' t matter. Pot. will commence. Come to cheer Pierce Astle NO Abstain AbS Maj Being bigger and stronger will What is this event you ask? and come prepared to mourn. 3' 25 7 5 34 open the doors to becoming the .It is called TOWEO (pro See the survival of the fittest famous and filthy rich person 'flounced tow-e-o). Philoso play out in front of you. Find Junior Class Secretarytrreasurer: ~Illard Write in NO Abstajn Abs Maj you are aspiring to be. phers disagree between two out which class will be success 28 1 3' 8 32 So to speed things up in our separate origins for this event. ful in the real world. Come par natural selection society, TO Many believe it originates from ticipate or come to watch what Respectfully submitted, DAY will be a battle to the the Greek word otheos mean is being billed as The Spectacle death between the freshmen ing more dangerous than run of the Century: TOWEO. ~L/-~ and sophomore classes. It will ning with scissors. While oth 'Note: This may not be the • - y. -/ .... be a day of celebration and also ers believe the word is an ac- case for those in Ma or Ay. Nicholas Breen, ASCIT Elections Chairman The California Tech 2 June 6, 1997 OPINIONS Whas Dis Ting Called a Budget? Excom
BY BALDEEP SADHAL are fair compensation for perform Cayman Islands holding corpora ing these various editorial duties. tion and our various Swiss accounts In case you haven't noticed, The general decrease in salaries for and laundering fronts is often more Minutes the ASClT Board of Directors editors reflects the philosophy of trouble than John Lin can handle ASCIT Excomm Minutes (BoD) made a budget a little while this year's BoD that payment to alone.) (Now in Plural!) 6-1-97 Situa ASCIT President. A vote i ago. It's one of those things we like editors should be more of thanks There are other significant tion: Several election statements taken and we decide to hold th to do yearly. No doubt you've read than actual payment for duties per changes in the budget that rail un fortheJune 2 elections were not election as scheduled 5 - .0 (wit it already. "What? You don't find formed. der the category of miscellaneous printed in the May Tech, three pages of numbers exciting? Ah, but you're wondering, operations. Firstly though we have 2..0 Myfanwy abstaining due to he some due to confusion about You don't belong at Tech!" But "What about those elected BoD not changed our support of the Cof candidacy for Senior Clas anyway, we're spending your members that get paid for putting feehouse, and to that end we have deadlines. President.) Meeting adjourned money-make sure we aren 't out the UROH and the CLUE?" allotted $1000 to be used by that Members present: Myfanwy 11:21 pm. spending it on live adult entertain For some reason, BoD members establishment serving helluvalot Callahan (chair), Brandon Respectfully submitted, ment (we get that for free anyway) are somewhat hesitant to blatantly better-than-TFM food. The van VandeBrake (secretary), Joe Brandon VandeBrake or rehab for the IHe. In case you and gratuitously take advantage of fund was eliminated, as it seemed Carroll, Michelle Miller, Stev~ haven't read it, go ahead and check the student body by giving our we would no longer be operating Van Hooser, Mic West coat Oth it out on the web (http:// selves five digit salaries. Because ye aide ASCIT van. In the event ers present: Mike Astle, Nicho WWw.cco.caltech .edu-ascitltrea of our affliction, we're paying that we do decide to begin operat las Breen surerlbudget.html) or just look for elected BoD members the grand ing the van again, ASCIT has suf Meeting starts: 11:06 pm. In Uust kidding, Kohl) it in your friendly neighborhood total of zero for these two publica ficient discretionary funds to cover the spirit of our previous meet- r;:======~ undergraduate house lounge. tions. (You were expecting $19.95, the difference. Our social director ing, Kohl is refenred to as a ditz. The first things you might na weren't you?) Previously, the has shifted her funds around so that Mike explains how the confu THE CAliFORNIA TECH tice about the new budget are the CLUE editor received $500 and the we may spend on the rather popu sion came about. Someone calls generally smaller publication sala UROH editor received $100 for lar SUODS (Supplementary Un Kohl a dope. The packets of Caltech 40-58, Pasadena, CA 91125 ries. The Totem's editors receive phone: (818) 395-61 S3 putting out their respective publi dergraduate Doughnut Distribution statements (which were next to advertising: (818) 395-6154 $15.0 ($100 plus a $5.0 bonus con cations; this year they receive noth Service) every term. Miscellaneous e-mail: [email protected] the election boxes on Monday) advertisi ng: adv@techcaltechedu tingent on satisfactory completion ing (muhahahah). BoD members adjustments have been made in the are displayed and it is proposed ISSN 0008-1582 of duties) total for their services, that edit other publications wiU still funding of several special events that the election be held as VOLUME XCVIII , NUMBER 31 as compared to the $200 they re be eligible for those salaries. and clubs (clubs I pick up your scheduled as the packets fulfill JUNE 6,1997 ceived last year. The little t editors We have added one position to checks!), and I won't list them to ArticJeVIII, sec I. Mic asks that will receive $600 ($500 plus a $1 00 the paid salary role, and that is the avoid killing you acute and intense it be noted that these statements bonus), which is a significant cut position of bookkeeper. ASCIT has boredom. RyllllCUll""'" MicWcstt:oat do not count as campaign mate Autumn L<>"ijen when compared with the actual to Erik Streed -"" hired a bookkeeper to make sure If you have any questions, r"" rials, which are prohibited in JnnaLhan Adams tal payment of $2 000 to last year's that we keep our books straight, to come to a BoD meeting (SAC 64, rooms where voting is taking Wren Mnntll"mery 'MIl-UP little t editors. The Big T editor(s) keep track of our financial records !0:30pm, every Monday night), place. Brandon complains about -- TCIT)' Muran are budgeted to receive a total of and to ensure a continuous control send us email (ascit@cco the length of the meeting, which l: ..."" ""'""'"MikeAslle i n 9 AnoJrew Child:;; Bndcy H"nsinger adventure tmm f.Norr:a ...... Ryan Cux H:HI D:l.ily 5·d3y Rainforest Adventure lnclud Putllished weekly except durinS vacation anoJ naminatiun ]lCriu<.ls hy the AssuciatLld Studcnl5 Summer Employment at 71Je cAthelJAeum Summer WaiterlW aitress positions are available at The Athenaeum. It's a great opportunity to practice your customer service skills, earn money and enjoy a delicious meal. F or more information call Roberto Hernandez at X2992, or Charles L 'Episcopo at X8313. The California Tech FEATURES June 6, 1997 3 happens; and you alpha, give beta a ates, has organised many outings. place to flourish. You and your and occasions for students and fac Dean's (orner soulmate have to be able to talk to ulty to get together in relaxed sur each other even about hard embar roundings, providing the opportunity Dear Seniors and the rassing, bothersome things. Maybe to learn from, and enjoy a variety of the Tech experience will be valuable people. Thanks Mosh, for the sono mination to since it will have given you much rous explorations of the Steele House rest ofyou ... face any and all prob- more intimate access and exchanges Organ and for all the work you have than most people have had chance done and the friendship you have by Jean-Paul Revel lems,just as you faced your in terminable homeworks and the flood to experience. spread to us all. friends of information that we tried to pour nus is a momentous time, both Finally, as I commented before, of the last four into you. for you as you embark on your road we wi ll also be inaugurating a new years, with whom you Carry with you the spirit of Tech through adulthood, and for the Insti president next fall. Thanks Tom, for have toiled, worked, complained, in the form of the Honor system. Not tute. We are losing our Vice Presi the leadership you provided in the This is the last of my columns suffered, played. Lived, in a word. only in terms of doing nothing to take dent for Student Affairs, now that last 10 years. It seems like a day. for the year, and for you, oh esteemed I just signed the permission to advantage of another Techer, but in Gary Lorden is returning to his Math. I remember his solemn inaugu seniors, it may be the last column, tire the cannon, so it is clear that the terms of honesty, truthfulness, analy It is an improbable occasion, since ration, with the Invocation delivered period. Who knows whether you'll ceremony will take place. But then sis of both your place, needs and be he has served the students needs at by his daughter. How swiftly these be back on campus soon? Who you may not be Joe graduate. Your liefs and of the other people's atti the Institute for so long. At a party years have passed, and how much knows if you'll have a chance to see fate may be more like that of Dave tudes. to honor his work just a couple of has happened! Some two thousand the Tech when you come back, for a Ho, alum, this year's Commence Walk a few miles in their shoes, days ago, the lounge in Avery was or so new undergrad aJumni, a new reunion, a class day, the graduation ment Speaker, who preceded you on along their road, inform yourself dedicated to him as a small token of house, 1 mean a house in a different of a daughter Or a grandson - who the Court of Man some years back. about their circumstances, from their recognition. mold, several new labs, a new Gym, knows? Who knows what it 'll be like Maybe you too will be back in 20 point of view, not j ust yours, before It is Gary who molded Avery a large fund raising campaign. a ma then, when you'll be looking back to years to give the 2016-17 Com deciding matters which wi ll affect House to complement the other jor reorganization of the administra the good old days? mencement speech. I am sure that their fate. houses and bring together Faculty tive side of things many other This may seem to be a peculiar David Ho was not thinking about that Try to understand where others and Students. He did much to make achievements which may not bear thi ng to think of, when just now you when he graduated ... come from, both in work and per Student Affairs a cohesive and inte fruit until the future. are at the stage when your name will So what else to say to you at this sonal relationships. I know it is hard grated ~(O Up , where individual of Tom always showed intense in be called oul in a loud resounding time? How to convey to you the sluff to do, and most of us fail at it in one fic", each specializing in particular terest in the students and their wel and firm voice MAXTECH PCI MULTIMEDIA PRO PCI MULTIMEDIA PLUS • INTEL Pentium processor wi fan INTEL Pentium processor w/cooling fan YESBOOK .. 266K Pipelined Brust Cache, Triton chipset 256K Plpellned Brust cache, Trfton chipset We Took The "NO" out 01 Notebook • 32 MB Synchronous Dynamic RAM 16 MB EDO RAM expandable to 128 MB (50".4 fute, tl\al\ EOO RAM) • TEAC 1.44 MB floppy dril.le • Intel Pentium prOCeG&or, 256KB PS cache • TEAC 1.44 MB noppy dl'Tll'8 • 1.7 OB EIOE hard drive V • Max. 40 MB RAM ( U •••tandard OIMM) • 2.5 OB EIOE hard drive • PCI Enhanced IDE HO controller _, • ax CD-ROM Drive (SX for Dual Scan) V • 1.44 MB floppy drive • Matrox MGA Millennium wl2 MB WRAM • St.alth 30 wl2 MB EOO DRAM • PCMCIA Type 4 slot • Viewsonic HOS 17" monitor .27 dp • 17" 1280 X 1024 monitor .28 dp _, • Removable HD (Up to 20B) • Flat screen, low-radiation (3 Vr parts & labor) • Flat ~en, Digital control, low-radiation V • 16-bit sound card, 2 speakers & mic • 2 high sp&ed sana l. para llel, & game ports • 2 high speed serial, parallel, & game port5 • PCI accelerator wl2 MB video RAM • Enhanced 104 key keyboard • Enhanced 104 key keyboard " ·'1.3" OS or Active 800X600 display • Medium tower case wf230 watt • MedIum tcwer cau wf230 watt • Touch pad & Infra ....ed port • High resolution mouse _ , • WindoW5; 95 keyboard • Microsoft mouse • Sound B laster 32 Wavetable sound card • Sound Blaster 16 PnP ·'lf vou're looking for a bargain-prtead hlgh.. 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Minutes ) The dispensers are free. but you can't c rip off the ad. The presidents say Minules of Ihe ASCIT BoD Meeling, they're all new minutes they'll ask their house, except Geoff 2 June 1997 An article about the new ASCIT bud has its last meeting for the year at (in the whole damn zoo. The lights are (Ricketts) who says Ricketts will say get will run in the Tech this week. sert time date place here). blinking, I'm thinking, it's all over they want one and they'll proceed to Present (at some point): BoD, Kiran - (a.k.a. Peplo-B) Working Lori (a.k.a. Mush Moulh) - The when J go out drinking. Word to your deface and destroy it. Mic also adds Mic Westcoat, Nicholas Breen, Mason on gelling the vehicle fonnerly known Tech is asking the IHC to find out if moms, I came to drop bombs, I've got Ihal "ASCIT Sucks." We orrer him Porter as the ASCIT van in the same status as the houses want Tech distribution morc lyrics than the Bible's got psalms. more ice cream and sympathy for hay. (This week Megatron = Mike W. the new fly-ass Student Affairs Van stands. There will be an open forum Kohl (a.k.a. Kohlamile) - The ing to deal with the evil organization. and Optimus Prime = Mike A.) (perfecI for all your drive by killing to discuss alcohol related issues on ASCIT BoD is gelling departing gifts Maria isn't here to collect BoC Meeting called to order at 22:50. needs). No news about student access some date, at some time, somewhere. for both President Everhart and Gary surveys, so we draw straws to see who Kiran immediately removes hi s trou [0 Moore conference rooms. (the first person on the BoD to supply Lorden. If you don't settle down, "m has 10 find Ihe ASCITtype and deliver sers. Word to your mother. Adrienne (a.k.a Lady J) - The this info gets a prize!) gonna put my clothes on .-- the surveys to her. I lose. Dealing With Guests ASCIT fonnal is over its projected cost John (a.k.a. MC Dough Boy) - Meeling adjourned al 12:30. Man The alcohol po licy has been fi Mic - Presents the updated com by several thousand dollars. It did not Gel your club money by Friday (6/6) that took a long time. nalized. We will have studenllrained pensation schedule for the Tech. All receive funding from some campus or or lose it forever. We need a little t Respeclfully submitled 10 all my and paid bartenders. Each house will mention of bonuses has been removed ganizations that have been more finan business manager real bad. If you've homies. have a head bartender who will have and the commission percentages cially helpful in the past. We spen t got some time over the summ,"r please D. Astle, ASCIT Secrelary 10 be 21. The head bartender will have changed back 10 pre-WWII levels. about $50 per person who went to the lelASCITknow (ascil@cCO). Thc last a special training. General 21-year Mi c - who is only a man, and not a formal ( 150 folks). ASCIT Social meeting for the Cal tech I a committee old+ bartenders will have a less intense god - enjoys rock climbing, water Team still has enough budgeted for is this week. Lori is trying to put to training in order to be allowed to serve sports, and romantic walks on the scheduled events. gether a big women's meeting and drinks at parties. The houses will be beach. The BoD voles 7-0-0 10 ap Megalron (a.k.a. Galvatron) - would like to make it part of the pro Present: Lori (chair), Judy (sec expected to pay for 1/2 of the cost of prove the proposal, biotch. Nominate professors and T.A. ·s for gram. relary), Brell (Page), SIeve (Lloyd), Ihe bartenders al Ihe party -$50-701 Mason - Requests the Totem pub ASCIT teaching awards. Forms will Oplimus Prime (a.k.a. 18 Wheels Marty (B lacker), Geoff (Rickells), lenn. Thursday at 4:00 there was an lication budget and my compadre John be available soon in a house near you of Plasma Wielding Robolic Dealh) - Geoff (Dabney), Shumway (Fleming), alcohol review commillee meeting and "Dr. Funkenstein" Lin cuts him a (except Fleming, just because). Sub There were some serious problems Jeremy (Ruddock), James (Avery), I hope you brought your comments and check. mit CLUE reviews or Megatron will with the election due to a deadline er Mic (The Tech), Rickey (Big T), Nick your spirits. Nicholas - Needs people 10 help personally jack your sorry ass. The ror but the Executive Committee (Ice Cream Consumer), Ryan (Ice Next Ricky takes our picture for tabulate the results of the election. Re CLUE program may not be updaled Ihinks Ihal Ihings are OK. The bylaws Cream Consumer), Ihe Big T. Robert Millikan, George solving elections copier account. Re this year because it is just that good. have been fully updaled and Ihe ver The agenda lists Lori has hooked Hale. and Arthur Noyes crash the veals that he is in fact the Original Several ideas are being thrown around sion on the web should be taken as the us up with 2 lunches and I dinner. photo session. Gangsta predicted by long dead proph for restructuring Winnett It is possible authoritative version (HTTP:I Lunch with Admissions is on Tuesday, We end the meeting with a closed ets. that the Book Store will expand into www.cco.caltech.edul-ascirldoeu Lunch with Helen from the Ombuds session. Officer Reports none of, some of, or all of the first floor menrsIBylaws.html). The roster of cor office on Friday and dinner with the Happiness and Sunshine and the Baldeep (a.k.a. Q-Tip) - No news and otherenlities will have to relocate. porate officers has also been updated Alcohol committee on Monday. You end of classes! from the Sherman Fairchild Library. If you have any input, this committee (htfp:lwww.cco.calleeh.edu-ascit/oj can all sleep better knowing th at the Respeclfully Submilled, flcers! OfficersRosler.hllnf). house presidents are well fed. Judy Green Maria (a.k.a. The NOlorious BoC) Mic brings in a Tech dispenser ;FARES ARE EAOf WAY BASED ON R/TPUROfASE ~, NOT INQ.UDING TAXES~ - I got more rhymes then those other and asks which presidents want them a . .. ~ guys do, they're just a monkey, I'm for their lounges. The one he shows CLASSIFIED ADS " . i ~ Servi ces ; i High Performan ce Computers PREGNANT? . We are a pro· 411 East Huntington Ortve. SIlIle #110 ArcadIa, CA 91006 fess ional, m(]rried couple, a ~ NOON.. * (818) 821 6325 F ax (818) 821-6335 pilot and a nurse hoping to I PARIS -to_ii,..· start a famity through adop· tion . We have a lovely home Great News for aQ FaC!,llty, Admin. 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You are decidedly below aver A. Going out and enjoying your be God and try to get credit for everything? Bank of America ... pick a bank with lower secu stayed in bed. You are about to have a ter age in >that respect, but you are self is sometimes the best way not rity. For your information, the cheapest dealer Q. I'm a student at PCC rible calamity enter your life. However, I find Lucky days: Every day! to get stressed about your work so on campus happens to work for the Residence and I am dating 7 guys above reproach. The main rea it so amusing that I don't want to tell you Life Office. son you don't have a girlfriend is you can be productive again. Also, about it beforehand and spoil the fun. So just Virgo (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 21) . from Caltech. They Lucky day: The day you happen to drop by the that you haven't yet mastered' having a gorgeous man ask you go about your day as you normally would, happen to come from Today is your lucky day! A curvaceous, vo Residence Life Office to pick up your final exam out is an opportunity you might and remember to wear clean underwear. luptuous, attractive Taurus will try to sweep different Houses. How persistance. Stop reading the support kit BFD, and start talking to real regret refusing. Go ahead and take Lucky days: 33rd, 34th you off your feet. Make sure you wear heavy can I keep them from shoes. However, you should wear stiletto women. Take a look around next some time off, but come back and Capricorn (DECEMBER 21 - JANUARY 19) Taurus (APRil 20 - MAY 19) beels if this Taurus bappens to be a Tech edi finding out at such a start your work again. For the dif Love is about to play an important role in your tir e Rotation cOInjes to your Ever stop to think and then forget to start tor. Tecb editors are generally not only the small school? life. You will enter a new stage in a relation ship. House. There are alw~ys a few up ferential equations I suggest you again? If you weren't such a flake, you would best-looking, but also the most available Just remember, love can sometimes be expen perclassmen and many frosh who try a Fourier cosine transform. A have noticed by now that there is someone people on campus. They tend to be fairly sive. Nonetheless, it just might be that special A. First of all, we'd all like to stiff coffee or the Blacker Coke you know who really really likes you, and stubborn, but they come pretty cheaply. eagerly mob the women. If you're time to spend some extra money on that special thank you for evening out the ra has been lusting after you for ages. Hint: this Lucky days: until your money runs out careful and use your head instead machine will provide you with the ~c"" ... r_ person you are after. The going rate is about $200 person is probably the same Person who "ac tio a bit. I'm sure everyone can of your ego, you'll soon attain the necessary caffeine to keep you per hour or $1000 for the night. Don't pass up a cidentally" stuck their tongue in your mouth appreciate that gesture. Further Libra (SEPTEMBER 22 - OCTOBER 22) once in a lifetime opportunity. preferred spot as the favorite of the going. Good luck! yesterday. more, Idon't think you really have You are about to be accosted by a tall, dark Lucky days: The day your pay check comes in. mob. After a week or two of per Lucky day: 'yesterday to worry about your boyfriends WILTED CARROTS guy wearing a glow-in-the dark periodic table sistent pressure, you too can have t-shirt. He will show you his 48-GX HP cal ever finding out. Noone ever ac Aquarius (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 17) ~ girlfriend. Q. Eating TFM has re Gemini (MAY 20 - JUNE 20) culator and offer to show you what a stud he tually talks to people from other The planets are aligned in your favor. It is the ally reduced my sex Today you will meet a goregous, sexy is at performing the calculations on your next perfect time to do that astronomy lab you have Houses except about obscure GETTING SHAFTED drive. My girlfriend is plumber who will plunge the two of you into math assignment. He will proceed to offer been putting off all term (there is also the fact mathematical proofs, so there is no Q. I have been ihvited the ultimate pipe dream! By the end of the you a transistor as a token of his love. Be the this is the last day of class). Since you are starting to notice. Is day, you will be gushing with emotions for ware of geeks bearing gifts. danger of the gossip being spread on a date by this hot there any way I can such a flake you should also talk to your TA's from House to House. Just make which the flow will not cease until you have Lucky days: could possibly be today.. . then about those old assignments never turned in and guy I have had my eyes regain my virility? been completely drained. However, by next again, maybe not sure that you take your dates off hope for some more E's. A good thing to bribe on for weeks, but I week, your relationship will spring a leak, and you TA with would be purple fruit loops. campus when you do go out. They you will be flooded by anger and resentment. A. TFM doesn't serve the best en Scorpio (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21) Lucky Day: Graduation will even thank you for it. If you have three differential Lucky days: the next 7 trees for your problem. Instead of In a short while, you will be bitten by a black manage your time right you can equations to solve by widow spider that escaped from the attic of going for the usual burger and fries, Pisces (fEBRUARY 18 - MARCH 19) even get a free meal every day of tomorrow involving Cancer (JUNE 21 - JULY 21) the south houses and crawled down your shirt you should take a walk over to the In a past life you were once Inigo Jones, the great the week! homogeneous bound· Man, you sure are ugly! I may be God, but I while you weren't looking. Remember, the English architect. You should watch out for fluo vegetarian phone number for medical emergencies is aries at the origin and bar. Some students make mistakes occasionally as you so clearly rescent green mutant crayfish invading Milikan have taken advantage of this well demonstrate. Your day will probably improve x5ooo. While you are hospitalized, the build IGNORED x=1 for the derivative of Pond. Tomorrow you will inherit a twenty mil kept secret for years. Try aspara if you go around today with a paper bag over ing you are in will catch on fire following an lion dollar gold plated cheese slicer. You ham Q. I hear that the aver· the function. Should I gus or zucchini for a change, and your head. In an attempt to try to make the devastating earthquake that results in a 3 ton ster will become infected by the Ebola virus and earth more beautiful, I'll have you run over concrete piece of ceiling falling on your stom age man loses his vir· punt my work and go always take the opportunity to eat die. Your life as you know it will soon cease to by a Daihatsu containing several donut ach. The fallen patch of ceiling will have 46· exist, being replaced with the the terrifying feel ginity by the time he is out for a night on the fresh uncut carrots. For dessert, munching security guards tomorrow. more black widow spiders on top of it, every ing of falling to your doom engulfed in a flrey seventeen. I am 19 town ~ or should I sit rather than flaccid jello or pudding, Lucky days: Not tomorrow one of which will proceed to bite you out of inferno. and still a virgin. Does down for several hours an orange push-pop is just the thing fear of the hot flames rapidly approaching Lucky days: Friday 13th your bed. to restore your vigor. Just take the Leo (JULY 22 - AUGUST 22) that mean that I am and finish my problem Lucky days: Grim's Reaping Funeral Home time to change your diet and you'll Ever wonder why the rest ofthe world hasn't God was born in Portland, Oregon in J893 and Iuu accu above or below aver· set? is having sales on the 12th and 13th rattly predicred 1M Northridge earthquak in 1993, Michatl age? b~ back in shape in no time. acknowledged your brilliance? They are, of Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley 's separation in 1996, For course, all ignorant fools. You should take Mulders death on the X-Files seasonfinak in 1997. and the Sagittarius (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 20) advantage of the fact that you are the ~ost breakup a/lhe United States ofAmt'rica into 14/acsisr nG-' attractive, most intelligent creature ever to Are you aware of your cocaine addiction? tions in 2003. . GENITAL SHORTCOMINGS field unit. The tongue can probe over When notlilYd else works a large area, or it can contract to a point Copi1g With Your However, some tongues just and dance on your skin and every nook weren't made for this kind of action, and cranny (especially your cranny!). Man's Small Peris: so make sure that your tongue is of Is He a Solar Cell? an RPN? or a TI-92? A plus is that it self-lubricates not with "I I'd to ~ good length as well. (If your boy tI1oI.9t have a., sex.. Two top calculator stylists tell you how to find- out. some thick bitter milky discharge, but One woman's lold Cum friend or husband is not well hung, story, by Judy __ , :::zrr:at, Ii ."" .J sweet, and wonderfully coating warm, and his tongue isn't too versatile, and but at the same time sensually scald Dick and I met on a skydiving trip a few he's an amputee at the wrists, then you months ago. We ended up jump-ing ing saliva. must really love this guy, so you together, but aliI remembered from the . What you can have your lover fall was his gorgeous green eyes. Two should invest in a vibrator or a dildo. do is partake in oral submission at the weeks later, we'd seen a lot of each other We can recommend one great value same time as using their hands to pro ... but not enough for my taste. I invited for under $20, available at La Sex him to my apartment and, after a roman vide maximum one-on-one contact. Shoppe in Pasadena. It's about four tic dinner, we began undressing each Again, don't forget the inside of thigh, other in the bedroom. When I took off his inches in girth, and fourteen inches and other highly erogenous zones such BVDs, I thought for a moment that I'd in length and it's called the Destroyer. gotten stuck in a bad takeoff of The as the aureola (you can get a wonder With this bad boy, you get more bang Crying Game. His penis was about the ful tantalizing feeling by having your width of my pinky! He must've noticed volume for your buck than any other the look on my face, because he gave me Winter: "It's old and it's cheap. The guy Winter: "''This calculator is so compli Winter: ''This HPhas a sense of fun . You lover tease your nipples into thinking dildo on the market.) this little knowing smile. lbat smile was who owns this calculator is obviously not cated, you may need another as a backup can program it to play Pong. The guy who they were going to get in on the ac Or you can be a lesbian. right - Dick's creativity more than made concerned with performance. He'll give you for a few months. The person who owns it owns it will take you Rollerblading, on the tion). up for his small size. last night's TFM dessert for a Valentine's delights in the details." beach and hang out in togas." day gift. Not worth your time." Robin: ''Expensive, yet behind the times. Robin: Don't trust anyone who uses anRPN securely wrapped with no clue as to Robin: ''The 39¢ he spent on this calcu It can't live up to the newest model. The calculator. Not only are they impossible to Technical whether it's a calculator, slide rule. lator is more than he'll ever spend on you. guy who owns it has probably seen better understand, Reverse Polish people are pocket protector, etc. All transactions are strictly confidential, and we never He probably wears uSlld corduroys." times. Watch out - he may be trying to known to ask for strange sexual favors." Tools sell, rent, or trade names. be someone he's not." How to order them 2. W. guarantee your satisfaction. If without embara'imant. a tool is unsatisfactory, simply return it to us for replacement or refund within How to u.e them 69 days. without disappointment. 3. W. guarant•• that the tool you moday, you know that wanting the choos. will keep giving you pl... u ... most from your tech life is natural Should the tool become limp or and healthy. Look through the new defective, just return it to us for a Riveting Engineer's Gold Edition replacement. catalouge and discover a wide array of technical tools for giving you, by Order today and .ee. The Riveting yourself, even greater pleasure. Gold Collection helps you tum good tech into great tech. Send for your Trust our upenonce. Techers have catalogue now. and we'll apply its $4.00 delighted in the Riveting Collection for price to your first order. more than 75 years. We select only the You have nothing to lose and an entirely finest tools from around the world new world of enjoyment to gain. Winter: "This guy just can't leave his cal Winter: "Guys with solar calculators are Winter: "Has he been stuck in the attic tools consistent with the philosophy of our advisory board of professors in tech In.';'itv'diinl Coti;iO;'-DtPt.'"fmt - - - , '.0. •• HI,~. ,,, non_1U4 1 cUlator at home. He will spend more time closet Eco-Weenies. He will recycle glass since the seventies? Clunky buttons, life and anal rape. 1P'\euc 1CIId~ , by lot\,lIq mall. LIII J\lYC\l ~. 00IcI Edilio. ClIaIovp. with his calculator than with you. He prob shards from monitors dropped off the roof. square build: this guy will wear plaid with I:"' 1oIed II 1 o:beck ot motley crier fot S4.00. 1fIPI1o:I to Illy tinlp!I' l Rtly on our 100% th'1t-woy GWlrantH. I Ull ~ wtIo .._ _ bid. ably sleeps with it at night." Don't date him unless you enjoy couscous." stripes to your best friend's wedding." If you've been reluctant to purchase I __ ~,------technical tools though the mail. consider 1- Robin: "A calculator watch is a sign of an Robin: "Nothing more, nothing less than Robin: "Since the last time he spent money the Riveting Guarantee: 1- obsessed mind. Watch out. When you break he needs. This guy will be a perfect gentle on a calculator was in the seventies, he's 1. W. guarantH your prlvlCY. ~------~ly 1-"...., --- ___ uPwith him, he will stalk you. Avoid him at man. He'll open d.oors for you and buy you got plenty of money. Whether he'll Everything we ship is plainly and ~.ItJS.H_ . __.CA.tlU ~ v...... ,""_""-' 'IIIJ cOsts." flowers when you've had a bad day." speDd it on you is another story." BY S. RASH WHEN YOUR Would He Rather from every computer since his Apple 11+. LOVER HAS be Spending 9 When you rent a movie to· gether, he picks ASMALL Time With His a. TerminaTOr 2. Computer? b. Sneakers. C. 2001 - and starts to drool and pant PENIS when he sees HAL When you and your guy have a b . How many marshmallows the guy BY JUDY CUM romantic dinner at his place, do next door can stuff in his mouth . 1 0 You run across his diary you sometimes catch him staring C. His hard dri ve. and discover that - at his computer? Find out if Sometimes Mother Nature a. He's thinking about upgrading his he'd rather be communing with doesn't know best. But if your 5 His idea of a hot date is processor for "more performance." microchips. man is less than wel l-endowed, a. Rollerblading in the SAC. b. He sketches you when you' re sleeping. don 't despa ir l Your love life b. Dinner and a movie. C. It's entirely written in LISP. can stili be satisfying. 1 When he types, he C. Sitting on the couch at ugcs, a. Pounds on the keyboard. coming up with new network routing .... algorithms. SCORING b. Types quickly and smoothl y. 1. a-1 b-2 c-3 Let's face it: some things are just don' t forget about our old friend, the all the hoopla about people not even C. Caresses the keys - and you 2. For your birthday, he a-2 b-1 c-3 hard to see with the naked eye. But it's c litoris. Go open palm if you like, knowing about your magic love knob, sometimes think you hear him moan. 6 3 . a-1 b-2 c-3 a. Bought you sexy lingerie and took 4. a-2 b-1 c- 3 the nineties, and you shouldn ' t base a re throw a little mixture into it. Don't for- guys these days are pretty sex-starved 5. a-2 b-1 c- 3 lationship on how well your man fills his to discover anything at all. So don't You hear him mumble in his th e phone off the hook. 2 6 . a-1 b-2 c-3 jeans. So if your man doesn' t pack a lot worry - if you've found the right b. Designed and put up a web page 7 . a-1 b-2 c-3 sleep. He says: of sausage in the grill , here are some guy, then you 're in good hands al about you. 8. a-1 b-2 c-3 "The ability of a. "But I always thought Poisson was C. Renamed his hard drive after you. 9 . a-1 b-2 c-3 ways to make sure that your love lives ready. fish. 10. a-2 b-1 c-3 are still rich and fascinating. the tongue to b . "The Dean's on krak." The book on his bedside bend and wiggle On the Tipof his TOO' C. "cc -Ae -0 faa foo.c I grep movl." 7 Less than 16 points: Great Guy Sex, Brains, and Hands The other solution to having table is Where did you find this guy? Sensitive far outclasses There are only two real substitute a small penis is to have a prehensile a. The Kama Slllra. caring. and a great lover - looks like a 3 When you're making love, to a penis when it comes to lovemaking. tongue, It's a known fact that a man b. Foundation sEdge. keeper' any pelvic deep he calls out The first is, as everyone knows , with a short dick should have a cre C. Numerical Recipes ill C. 16-23 points: On the Edge Your name. field unit." a. Yes, he's starting to develop a hardware someone's hands. Now, this doesn't mean ative tongue, and in almost all cases, b. "Oh, God'" fetish. but he can be saved. Get him to a that you should just lie sprawled on your will completely make up for any pe C. Hi s computer's name. ("Oh. 8 When you mention that treatment center before he starts playing bed fingering yourself wet while you nile length at all. Try to see if your get to massage the inside of the thighs frappe! Compile me, baby''') you'd like to meet his family, Nethack. scream out "I need a man' I need a man'" lover is dextrous enough with his he More than 23 points: Lost Cause Masturbation is fine and dandy but isn ' t as well, since you're trying to bring tongue for oral sex. You'll see that a. Invites you home for a weekened. When you're making love, he's thinking utmost pleasure to your loved one, and .... 4 His "size obsession" has to the same as a real Adonis grappling you he' ll bring you to orgasm faster than "'- b. Pulls up each family member's web only of caressing microchips. Ditch this if you' re doing a good job, then her do with with strong, powerful hands. you can say, "I wish I were a lesbian.'o page, including hi s great-aunt's. loser. For a goodbye gift, get him under entire body should be one giant erog a Your breasts. Now a tip for the guys would be The ability of the tongue to bend and>' a. gannents that double as a mouse pad. enous zone. And to the ladies, despite C. Shows you pictures of and printouts to make sure that you probe around, and wiggle far outclasses any pelvic deep..,.