20 Rules for Being a Sports Fan by Bill Simmons Page 2 Columnist
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20 Rules for Being a Sports Fan By Bill Simmons Page 2 columnist Ugh ... the dog days of February. The Olympics just ended. The NHL and NBA are limping toward the playoffs. We're still a few weeks away from WrestleMania, Junior Kiper's final NFL draft rankings, the Masters, fantasy baseball and watchable spring training games. This column has been brewing for about six weeks, ever since a startling phone conversation with one of my ESPN bosses (KJ, a Seattle native and die-hard Seahawks fan). We were chatting about the Patriots and Steelers potentially colliding in the playoffs, when KJ suddenly said, "At least if my Steelers lose, I'll be happy for you, because the Pats made it." Huh? My Steelers??? And this was how I found out that KJ -- my esteemed editor and friend, a good man, a father and a husband, the man who makes this column run so smoothly -- was a Sports Bigamist. As it turns out, the Steelers are KJ's Second-Favorite Team, whatever that means. Apparently, as long as Pittsburgh isn't playing Seattle, he roots for the Steelers, but he doesn't root for the Steelers quite as hard as he roots for the Seahawks, and if both teams are doing well, he chooses the Seahawks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about the Steelers, and I think I just lost control of my bowels. KJ'S DEFE Honestly, I just can't understand it. You cannot root for two teams at the same time. You cannot hedge your bets. You cannot unconditionally love two teams at the same time, when there's a remote chance that they might go head-to-head some day. Did the entire turn of events warrant a column? Probably not. But I couldn't resist slapping together a list of 20 set-in-stone rules that every professional sports fan should abide. Maybe you have your own rules; these are mine. And just so you know, I concentrated this column on the dynamic involving fans and their favorite team, so there are none of those "No talking on your cell phone and waving to the center-field camera if you're sitting behind home plate"-type rules in here. Without further ado ... Attire 1. You can't purchase a "blank" authentic jersey from your favorite team with no name on the back, then stick your own name and number on the jersey ... well, unless you want to be an enormous dork. 2. If you're attending an NBA game, don't wear the jersey of a team that isn't competing in the game. It's bad enough to see people wearing authentic NBA jerseys in public -- if they're wearing a T-shirt underneath it, they look ridiculous, and if they aren't wearing a T-shirt, usually there's flab and shoulder hair everywhere, and you're wishing that they were wearing a T-shirt. Besides, it's not like you need to wear an NBA jersey to get yourself in the mood for an NBA game, unlike baseball, football and hockey. 3. Don't wear cheap-looking replica jerseys or flimsy-looking bargain-basement hats. Come on. You're representing every fan from your team. Show some pride. 4. Don't wear replica championship rings as a conversation starter. Don't carry someone's baseball card in your wallet as a conversation starter. 5. It's OK to flagrantly show your contempt for the home team by wearing the colors of a hated rival, as long as you're not being obnoxious as you root for the visiting team. If you make a spectacle of yourself, all bets are off and you'll get what you deserve. Back in the late-'80s, I sat in the upper deck at Yankee Stadium -- during a Red Sox-Yanks game, no less -- wearing a Sox hat, Bruins jersey and Celtics shorts, and the Yankees fans left me alone. Why? Because I wasn't going overboard. There's a lesson here, and it's not just that I had a death wish back in the late-'80s. 6. When your team wins a championship, it's your civic duty to purchase as much paraphernalia as possible. Don't be ashamed. Hats, T-shirts, sweatshirts, videos, cards, magazines, books ... there's no limit. Gorge yourself. Behavior 7. Be very careful when using the word "We" with your favorite team. Use it judiciously. Just remember, you don't wear a uniform, you don't play any minutes, and you're not on the team. And yes, this was an extremely tough line for me to straddle during the Patriots' Super Bowl run. 8. No hopping on and off the bandwagon during the season with the flip-flop, "I knew we were going to self-destruct! ... All right, we won six straight! ... I knew we wouldn't keep playing this well. ... I knew we would bounce back!" routine as the season drags along. Just for the record, this is probably my biggest fault as a sports fan -- I overreact to everything. I've already written off the Celtics three different times this season, and I've given up on Antoine Walker roughly 435 times over the past six years. Can I get some medication for this? 9. It's OK to root against your team, if they're hopelessly out of the playoff race and you want them to keep losing so A) they'll get a better draft pick, or B) you're hoping the coach and/or GM will get fired. Don't feel bad about it. 10. If one of your fantasy guys is lighting it up against your favorite team (scoring goals, rushing for big yards, making jumpers, etc.), you can't pump your fist, high-five anyone or refer to the player in a "That's one of my guys!" sense, especially if it's a crucial game or a crucial juncture of the game. (That's maybe the No. 1 problem for sports fans these days: When to draw the line between fantasy and real life. It's an ongoing battle. Even if you can't help getting secretly excited about your fantasy guys when they're thriving against your favorite team, at least make sure you feel guilty, too. Don't you hate that enthralled/guilty feeling? Is there anything worse? I'm babbling ...) 11. Don't boo your team unless it's absolutely warranted -- like with the brutal Knicks situation this season, or if you're hoping to get a coach fired or a specific player traded or something. When you think about it, what's the purpose of booing your team? If you're trying to inspire them, usually you end up sending them into a deeper funk -- odds are, your team already knows it's struggling. And if you're trying to light a fire under a specific player, usually you end up making him even more nervous and tentative. So why boo in the first place? Trust me, dead silence sends a bigger message than anything. And it's not potentially destructive. 12. After your team wins a championship, they immediately get a five-year grace period: You can't complain about anything that happens with your team (trades, draft picks, salary-cap cuts, coaching moves) for five years. There are no exceptions. For instance, the Pats could finish 0-80 over the next five years and I wouldn't say a peep. That's just the way it is. You win the Super Bowl, you go on cruise control for five years. Everything else is gravy. 13. You can follow specific players from other teams, but only as long as they aren't facing your team. For instance, it's fine to enjoy the Brett Favre Experience if you're a Jaguars fan ... just don't get carried away and start making a scrapbook, collecting all his football cards and so on. That's a little sketchy. And you can't purchase his jersey under any circumstances. 14. Just because you supported a team that won a championship, it doesn't give you the right to turn into a pompous, insufferable schmuck. Remember this. Friendships and relationships 15. If your team defeats a good friend's team in a crucial game or series, don't rub it in with them unless they've been especially annoying/gloating/condescending/confrontational in the days leading up to the big battle. You're probably better off cutting off all communications in the days preceding/following the game, just to be safe. 15a. Along those same lines, if your team squanders a crucial game/series to your buddy's team, don't make them feel guilty about it -- don't call them to bitch about the game, don't blame some conspiracy or bad referee's call, don't rant and rave like a lunatic. In the words of Vito Corleone, you can act like a man. You have plenty of time to bitch in private. 15b. If your buddy's team loses an especially tough game, don't call him -- wait for him to call you. And when you do speak to him, discuss the game in a tone normally reserved for sudden, unexpected deaths. 15c. If one of your best friends loves a certain team that has a chance to win a championship, and your team is out of the picture, it's OK to jump on the bandwagon and root for his team to win it all.