Page 6 October 29, 2009 EL SEGUNDO HERALD Frankly Plank Yanks vs. Phillies--Who By Duane Plank in the horrible sequel to Slap Shot, which was Last year, the Halos couldn’t put down a the greatest hockey movie in the history of Cares? bunt in their walk-off playoff loss against the world, when questioned about some of By Duane Plank who, fatty was benched last week for some the Red Sox that sent them packing. This his demons, he answered, “I’m working on Angels lose to the Yanks and my dog Kowski guy; may have finally seen the last year they couldn’t figure out how to handle it.” So am I. Work in progress. Halo was way ticked off. And my wife, the of the ex-LSU signal-caller. a bunt--no, two bunts, in the bottom of the More peeves regarding the baseball play- Yankee fan, couldn’t understand the dog’s Another “worst match-up of the year” eighth in their final cataclysmic loss to the offs. Nice to see the dunderheads at FOX distemper. Halo? Angels? Connect the dots. involves my Rams, proudly sporting a 0-7 money-is-no-object Yankees. What will they finally figured out a little bit of the English We named the dog after the best baseball record. The Lambs will play in Detroit, screw up next year, the intentional walk? language. For at least a game and a half in team in LA, dear. Get it? Carumba! She where the tanking economy has created a Yup, I am ticked off. the Angel/Yankee series, the moron in charge was so sad Sunday night. The dog, I mean. few issues more important than whether the By the way, A-Rod? Steroid cheater. Andy of graphics gave us a little box in the up- Hallelujah, hoops fans, the Lakers, and for crappy Lions can outplay the crappier Rams Pettitte? Steroid cheater. Look it up, folks. per right-hand corner that said “NYY leads that matter, the joke-that-is/are the Clippers in something as trivial as a football game. Ah, the perils of a deadline. Wrote in the 1-0.” Okay, I guess they were trying to be tipped off the regular season with a resound- Oh, and I almost forgot another game. Seems column published last Thursday that Vlade, helpful, letting us know who was leading ing Laker victory over the sad-sack Clips the Brett Favre-led Minnehaha Vikings will yup Vlade, Guerrero should be benched by the best-of-seven series. Tuesday night at Staples Center. I think. be the guests of the Packers in Green Bay Angel manager Mike Scioscia. The man didn’t Since the peeps over at FOX were openly Sent this to the powers that be only a mere this Sunday. Beautiful. The prodigal scum pay attention to me, started Vlade in game rooting for the Yanks, wonder if they would 36 hours before the game, so I am going returns home. Was that too harsh? Brett did three of the ALCS, and lo and behold the have focused on the same info if the Halos to take a leap of faith and assume a Purple chuck a couple of picks last week in the creaky-kneed DH cranked a critical two-run had taken the series lead? and Gold victory over the CBA imitators Vikes’ loss to the Steelers, but according to home run in the Angels’ first victory in the Anyway, fan, phrasing it “New York Yan- wearing Clip unis. the people paying attention, they weren’t series. And lashed two critical hits in the kees leads 1-0” is an abomination, and this Should get hoop-a-holic RJ the Golfer to his fault. Halos thrilling game five come-from-behind wordsmith was a bit torqued off. Mentioned it chime in regularly this basketball season and Bouncing back to the baseball, game two of victory. Plus three hits in game six. Guess I to the fellas whom I was watching with and add his dubious expertise to the columns. the World Series was to be played Thursday jumped the gun on that one. they agreed, although they probably could Trust me, if the Lakers started out 1-0, he is night. Like I care. Also raved about Dodger starting pitcher not have cared less. Or spelled abomination. probably checking online for playoff tickets. Angel fans, do you think free agent starting Vicente Padilla. Hoped that he would start But you know what? Midway through game And if they somehow stumbled on opening pitcher John Lackey will return to the fold? game five against the Phillies in the NLCS. three, a game the Angels actually won, FOX night to the Clips, he may have already Big John wasn’t too pleased with Manager Got my wish--seems that the brilliant Trolley folks changed the box to read “NY leads 2-0.” contemplated a long walk on a short pier. Mike Scioscia when Scioscia micromanaged Dodger manger Joe Torre and I think alike. Which was correct grammatically. Hallelujah! RJ has graciously said that he will add his his ace out of the game in the top of the Padilla started in lieu of Clayton “Koufax” And are you a fan of the box in the bot- one cent to these columns. Occasionally. If seventh inning last week against the Yankees. Kershaw. That didn’t work out too well, did it? tom right-hand corner of the TV on TNT he can spell the words correctly. Could have sealed the deal for Lackey to take Oh, well. I promise to keep throwing that immediately lets you know if a pitch Did I tell you that I do know of at least his glove and balls and move on down the stuff at the sports wall, hoping that some was a strike or a ball? According to “Big one Clipper fan? And she also happens to road to the Ravine and chuck for the Dodg- of it will stick. Brother?” I am sure that the umps love it. be a Raider fan? Sorry about the impressive ers next spring. Or how bout this? Lackey All right, sometimes I may talk too much. But maybe they need a little accountability. loss last Sunday, Girl, but I will protect the to the Texas Rangers. Only makes sense, No need to confirm that, you folks who know Or a lot of accountability. Some of those guys identity of the lady, who still supports her guy is from Texas. Stealing him from the me. But ran into a situation the other day shrink the strike zone down to the size of fellas, lose or lose. Me, I couldn’t handle all Angels would be a really shrewd move for when my alleged acerbic wit didn’t work a pillbox. Maybe that is one of the reasons of the failure, but then again I support the St. Nolan Ryan, the man running the show for out too well. that some of these games take about four Louis Rams and the LA Kings, so I know the Rangers. And Ryan has implemented a Walked into a local candy store, hoping hours to complete. a little bit about the pain of enduring loss program where the starting pitchers are actu- to pick up some high-cal chocolates. The Watching Angels/Yanks. Oh, Angels got after loss after another pitiful performance ally expected to pitch more than six innings lady behind the counter was very, very, nice, screwed on a call. Shock. Oh, guess I gotta last Sunday, when the Rams were edged by every five days. Quality start, my butt. gave me two samples of said candy, and say a-ok, Yanks just got screwed on a call. the Indy Colts 42-6. Seventeen in a row for Speaking of the Trolley Dodgers, do you then excused herself to go into the back of Turnabouts, fair play. Course the guys at the Rams! think the Blue braintrust might make this the store to get some stock for the shelves. FOX replayed the Yankee hosing ad nauseam. Can you believe that it is already week ocho trade today: Roy Halladay for Chad Billing- She trusted me not to loot the joint, which Shoot-howdy! of the NFL season? The incredible Denver sley, plus another decent player and assorted I thought was very sporting of her. Gotta leave the game, leave the plasma, to Broncos visit the Baltimore Ravens, who flotsam and jetsam? Until the Dodgers can In walks a grey-haired maven. She circles pick up the kid, who is practicing soccer in are in need of a midseason win to get back run a true numero uno pitcher out there the floor very quickly, obviously in a hurry, the dark. Great. Soccer in the dark. Seems on the winning track. The choking-away-a- every fifth day, and not buffalo us with the then approaches me, and asks, “Is anybody somewhat appropriate, so help me David sure-win Miami Dolphins have a road game nondescript Randy Wolfe, the not-quite-ready working here?” Sure as heck ain’t me work- Beckham! in New York vs. the Jets and somewhat Clayton “Koufax” Kershaw, Chad “Barbara” ing there, maam. So I answer, “Yes.” But I The Yankees and their 500-zillion-dollar erratic rookie QB Marc Sanchez, who was Billingsley, or the guy I touted before he got couldn’t resist the chance to reverse fields line-up are leading my little engine that could being fitted for a bust in Canton by some of his butt kicked, Vicente Padilla, they can’t and add, “No. They just let us customers Angels 3-0. Now it is five-zip (A-Rod homer) the cheerleading morons in the East Coast be taken seriously as possible World Series walk in and help ourselves.” What a smartass. and the New York umps just made another media before his recent implosion. But then participants. How would “Wackey” Lackey Couldn’t help myself. The old bitty shot me incredibly biased call. Sheesh. he had the good fortune to square off with look in the Dodger blues next season? Hate a very nasty look, turned on her heel, and May not love the Yanks, but I do love the Raiders last Sunday, and that was good to lose Lackey, as an Angel fan, but if we exited the store, probably to return to whatever Derek Jeter. What a class guy. Hall-of-Famer, for an ego boost win and a shutout victory. gotta lose him, rather see him go up the 5 happy spot she had quickly emerged from. stays out of trouble, plays the game the way The wife’s New York Giants invade Phila- freeway to the Trolley Dodgers than to Halo Great. When the lady who actually did it should be played. Whoops, ‘nother call delphia for a tussle with the Eagles, who division rival, the improving Rangers. work there returned, I told her what had messed up by the umps, and this call could should still be ashamed of themselves after Good to see that Raider coach Tom Cable happened, how I had driven out a potential have been made by the late Helen Keller. their loss to the Raiders a week-and-a-half escaped any charges in his alleged alterca- customer with my not-so-funny sarcasm. The Against the Halos, and in favor of the bil- ago. Course the Giants are on a two-game tion with an assistant coach that left the lady was cool about it, said no worries, and lionaire Yanks. losing skid, bowing to Kurt Warner and the assistant coach with a busted jaw. Maybe the I went on my merry way. Wonder who they will buy up next year, Gridbirds last Sunday night. overmatched puppet coach Cable was totally But I may have cost her a sale. I gotta watch those Boys from the Bronx, for the tune The undefeated Colts, chosen team of innocent of the charges. And maybe the as- the sarcasm. As actor Stephen Baldwin said of $175 or so million bucks? Lets see, the my vivacious neighbor Shannon, play host sistant coach fell off of his chair during a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$Yankees may need an to coach Mighty Mike Singletary and his staff meeting, breaking his own jaw. Maybe. outfielder next season. Maybe they can buy 49ers. Who almost came all the way back Ain’t love grand? Frank McCourt fires Meet the Author up...fill in the blank. Proud, are you, Yank last Sunday in Houston to defeat the Texans. his lovely estranged wife, Jamie, from her El Segundo fans? Specially the gentleman who was But they didn’t win, so who cares, right? incredibly overpaid position as CEO with hyperventilating last week when the Yanks And the Chargers’ season will be nearing the team. This one’s gonna get interesting, One City, One Book were leading 3-0 in game three, and leading the precipice if they don’t beat the visiting folks? Imagine that, a husband firing his wife. 2-0 in the series. Unbleeping believable! Raiders and corpulent QB JaMarcus Rus- Sure that hasn’t been considered by any of Anyone, anybody, please beat the Yanks sell. Need to find another couple of words you, has it? Hope my wife hasn’t read this in the next series. Guess that would have to to substitute for corpulent in my weekly far into the column... • be the Phillies, right? And sorry to my wife, critique of J. Russ. How bout out-of-shape fatty, cashing a huge paycheck, can’t play? See Frankly, page 18 Guess that is more than one word… Any- El Segundo Public Library Co-sponsored by the Friends of the Library Are you the Garth Stein, author of picture of health? 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