(G The Big Day: Planning an Interfaith Wedding CD +-• n our casual unbuttoned culture, you...." and no actual ceremony the wedding may be the last I've ever attended under any reli• major event surrounded by pomp, gious auspices has ended with "You Icircumstance, and ceremony. Little may kiss the bride"; still less with the (A girls dream of their wedding days; officiant acting as emcee and soap opera characters marry repeat• "introducing Mr. and Mrs. so-and- edly—sometimes to the same so" to the applause of the congrega• (D partners. A common phrase (often tion. spoken by a nervously defiant bride Even a popular practice as seemingly in response to unbending or heedless innocuous as the Unity Candle may authority) is, "This is the most be out of bounds. The Liturgical important day of my Hfe!" Planning Rite of Marriage, Diocese We have a strong sense of the proper of Harrisburg [PA] explains, CD progression of this, the only major "The...lighted candle [is] a symbol pageant most of us will take part of the light of Christ.... [ W] hat is in, from the "hesitation step" in the the symbolism of lighting one larger procession to the tossing of the candle from two smaller ones, which CO bouquet before the triumphal are then extinguished? If the larger departure of the honeymoon limo. candle does not represent Christ, We Americans also have a strong what does it symbolize? The sense of individual identity and couple?... And ... are those indi• entitlement. We want our weddings vidual lives in some way 'snuffed out' to reflect our personalities and our when the two who have become one histories; we want to write our own in Christ extinguish their candles?" vows and have songs meaningful to us as a couple and perhaps even For Jewish/Christian couples, these choose a venue—7-Eleven, bowling restrictions and traditions may seem alley, skydiving—that reflects our even more incomprehensible and interests or our history as a couple. Any planning for a wedding under In This Issue religious auspices is likely to involve some very cold water being thrown A Rabbi Looks at on these happy daydreams. Most Intermarriage 3 Catholic dioceses won't allow An Interfaith ceremonies outside a church except with a dispensation, which may be Officiant's View 5 difficult to get; many Protestant A Very Civil Ceremony 7 denominations require traditional vows; traditional Judaism doesn't From Both Sides Now 9 include vows in the ceremony at all, Coping with Crises 11 and may frown on such modern commonplaces as the double ring Kid's Page 13 ceremony. Most liturgies don't Founder's Forum include the line, "I now pronounce (Review) 14 Volume 7, Number 4 February/March 1999 P Dovetail arbitrary. The Jewish custom of both Second, though this may or may not parents wal]<ing both bride and turn out to have been the most groom down the aisle may seem important day of your life, it's not childish and alien to the Christian only about you and your partner. partner; the Christian custom of the Marriage is an event that takes place bride's father "giving her away" may in the context of family, society, and seem sexist and alienating to the religious institution. All have a valid Jewish partner. interest in—and claim authority regarding—the way this central rite There are three points to keep is conducted. in mind while addressing these questions. Finally, a wedding partakes of the divine, and puts the couple in a new The first is that much of what we relationship to God. If you don't consider "traditional" wedding believe that, consider a secular practices, from the white veil to the ceremony—religious practice sharing of the first bite of wedding shouldn't be merely a matter of cake, are in fact modern inspirations palliating someone else's feelings. that the entertainment media have If you do believe it, try to keep your made virtually universal. Try not to mind on it. As you and your new let your preconceived notions of a partner navigate these tricky shoals, proper or "real" wedding ceremony you'll learn valuable things about keep you from appreciating the each other and your relationship; insights and understanding that ideally, you'll also begin to shape exploring your partner's—and your the way the two of you are going to own—religion's traditions can bring. incorporate God into your lives and your marriage. P Dovetail's mission Is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail Dovetail's Staff parents, and their children. No matter what their Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, specific choices regarding faith for their home 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY40107; and children, the more interfaith families can tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; Mary Helene Rosenbaum share their ideas, experiences, resources, and Email [email protected]. Editor support, the more they can make peace in their homes and communities. Jewish and Christian A one-year subscription is available for perspectives can dovetail. $25 from the above address. International Alison Siragusa subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are Believing that there are no definitive answers to available for $4.50 each. (Michigan residents Marketing Director the questions facing interfaith families. Dovetail please add 6% sales tax on back issue orders.) strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Dovetail welcomes article submissions Editorial content attempts to balance and (query or completed manuscript), letters to Joan C. Hawhxurst respect the perspectives of both Jewish and the editor, and comments or suggestions. Christian partners in interfaith marriages, as well Founding Editor Send to M. H. Rosenbaum, Editor, at the as the diverse perspectives of parents and children above address.. of interfaith couples. Inclusion in Dovetail does not William D. Rosenbaum imply endorsement Dovetail accepts a thoughtful Copyright© 1999 by and constructive discussion of all related issues The Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Design Consultant in tfie Letters to the Editor section, and reserves Resources. the rightt o reply. ' ^ 1 All rights reserved. February/March 1999 page 2 A Rabbi Looks at Intermarriage Allen Secher t a wedding, there are all Institutional Allen A. Secher is a rabbi who kinds of tensions that have Requirements counsels the Chicago Catholic- to be dealt with. Not just you Atwo; you two are the easiest, in the Each diocese has a different way of Jewish Couples Dialogue Group, the sense of the tensions. solving their problems. The Chicago country's largest, with over 500 diocese is different in that the priest couples. In addition to officiating at But start with: his folks are now in in Chicago may not be the officiant strange turf. They're coming from a intermarriages all over the world and in any wedding outside a church. So, foreign country. They're in a hotel, in Chicago, the way that is solved is producing television documentaries they're not driving to the wedding that he is witness, in his own mind, that have garnered seven Emmy from their house. They'll have some to the wedding. And when the papers awards, he is a director ofDI-IFR. uncles and aunts, but they won't have are filled out by the church, it is all of their support group there. signed that the rabbi has done the Then, they're dealing with two clergy wedding, and the church is very they don't know at all. This issue contains more accepting. excerpts from transcripts of the I usually find that the Jewish mother Now, if there's anything that the April 3-5, 1998 conference, will say to the father, "Where did they priest requires, it is to administer the get this guy?" I don't get the title "Interfaith Families in the 1990s: vows to both of you. That's the only "rabbi." I get "this guy." "Never heard non-seamless, if you will, piece of New Trends, New Voices." The of him." wedding ceremony between a articles by Allen Secher, Noah Then his folks, very worried that the Cathohc and a Jewish person. When Saunders, and Jean Saucier are I write weddings for Catholics and priest is going to use the "J" word drawn from the "Planning the Jewish people, the priest speaks [Jesus]. "Now all he has to do is say Wedding Ceremony" workshop. the J word and I'm walking out. I Hebrew, and I do parts of the don't care if it's my son, I'm leaving." Catholic ritual. Even the vows are Remember as you read that they written for the couple, not taken were not composed as written The clergy have a goal too. They have directly out of Catholic liturgy. But pieces. Hint, read as you would to take care of their tensions, as well those must be administered by a as your natural tensions. And your priest. listen—moving through the natural tensions aren't really over the ideas and illustrations as whole Many of the other aspects of the wedding, they're over the marriage. units, not focusing on particular ceremony will be very familiar to Okay, I'm about to start a wedding, [both sides]. The priestly blessing, sentences. These are like epic and I get there about a half hour the benediction, which you know as: poetry, rather than lyric! early. We have everybody all lined up, Y'varechacha adonai v'yishmarecha, Although the discussions weie getting ready to go down the aisle.