(G The Big Day: Planning an Interfaith Wedding CD +-•
n our casual unbuttoned culture, you...." and no actual ceremony the wedding may be the last I've ever attended under any reli• major event surrounded by pomp, gious auspices has ended with "You Icircumstance, and ceremony. Little may kiss the bride"; still less with the (A girls dream of their wedding days; officiant acting as emcee and soap opera characters marry repeat• "introducing Mr. and Mrs. so-and- edly—sometimes to the same so" to the applause of the congrega• (D partners. A common phrase (often tion. spoken by a nervously defiant bride Even a popular practice as seemingly in response to unbending or heedless innocuous as the Unity Candle may authority) is, "This is the most be out of bounds. The Liturgical important day of my Hfe!" Planning Rite of Marriage, Diocese We have a strong sense of the proper of Harrisburg [PA] explains, CD progression of this, the only major "The...lighted candle [is] a symbol pageant most of us will take part of the light of Christ.... [ W] hat is in, from the "hesitation step" in the the symbolism of lighting one larger procession to the tossing of the candle from two smaller ones, which CO bouquet before the triumphal are then extinguished? If the larger departure of the honeymoon limo. candle does not represent Christ, We Americans also have a strong what does it symbolize? The sense of individual identity and couple?... And ... are those indi• entitlement. We want our weddings vidual lives in some way 'snuffed out' to reflect our personalities and our when the two who have become one histories; we want to write our own in Christ extinguish their candles?" vows and have songs meaningful to us as a couple and perhaps even For Jewish/Christian couples, these choose a venue—7-Eleven, bowling restrictions and traditions may seem alley, skydiving—that reflects our even more incomprehensible and interests or our history as a couple.
Any planning for a wedding under In This Issue religious auspices is likely to involve some very cold water being thrown A Rabbi Looks at on these happy daydreams. Most Intermarriage 3 Catholic dioceses won't allow An Interfaith ceremonies outside a church except with a dispensation, which may be Officiant's View 5 difficult to get; many Protestant A Very Civil Ceremony 7 denominations require traditional vows; traditional Judaism doesn't From Both Sides Now 9 include vows in the ceremony at all, Coping with Crises 11 and may frown on such modern commonplaces as the double ring Kid's Page 13 ceremony. Most liturgies don't Founder's Forum include the line, "I now pronounce (Review) 14
Volume 7, Number 4 February/March 1999 P Dovetail
arbitrary. The Jewish custom of both Second, though this may or may not parents wal]
Dovetail's mission Is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail Dovetail's Staff parents, and their children. No matter what their Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, specific choices regarding faith for their home 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY40107; and children, the more interfaith families can tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; Mary Helene Rosenbaum share their ideas, experiences, resources, and Email [email protected]. Editor support, the more they can make peace in their homes and communities. Jewish and Christian A one-year subscription is available for perspectives can dovetail. $25 from the above address. International Alison Siragusa subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are Believing that there are no definitive answers to available for $4.50 each. (Michigan residents Marketing Director the questions facing interfaith families. Dovetail please add 6% sales tax on back issue orders.) strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Dovetail welcomes article submissions Editorial content attempts to balance and (query or completed manuscript), letters to Joan C. Hawhxurst respect the perspectives of both Jewish and the editor, and comments or suggestions. Christian partners in interfaith marriages, as well Founding Editor Send to M. H. Rosenbaum, Editor, at the as the diverse perspectives of parents and children above address.. of interfaith couples. Inclusion in Dovetail does not William D. Rosenbaum imply endorsement Dovetail accepts a thoughtful Copyright© 1999 by and constructive discussion of all related issues The Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Design Consultant in tfie Letters to the Editor section, and reserves Resources. the rightt o reply. ' ^ 1 All rights reserved.
February/March 1999 page 2 A Rabbi Looks at Intermarriage Allen Secher t a wedding, there are all Institutional Allen A. Secher is a rabbi who kinds of tensions that have Requirements counsels the Chicago Catholic- to be dealt with. Not just you Atwo; you two are the easiest, in the Each diocese has a different way of Jewish Couples Dialogue Group, the sense of the tensions. solving their problems. The Chicago country's largest, with over 500 diocese is different in that the priest couples. In addition to officiating at But start with: his folks are now in in Chicago may not be the officiant strange turf. They're coming from a intermarriages all over the world and in any wedding outside a church. So, foreign country. They're in a hotel, in Chicago, the way that is solved is producing television documentaries they're not driving to the wedding that he is witness, in his own mind, that have garnered seven Emmy from their house. They'll have some to the wedding. And when the papers awards, he is a director ofDI-IFR. uncles and aunts, but they won't have are filled out by the church, it is all of their support group there. signed that the rabbi has done the Then, they're dealing with two clergy wedding, and the church is very they don't know at all. This issue contains more accepting. excerpts from transcripts of the I usually find that the Jewish mother Now, if there's anything that the April 3-5, 1998 conference, will say to the father, "Where did they priest requires, it is to administer the get this guy?" I don't get the title "Interfaith Families in the 1990s: vows to both of you. That's the only "rabbi." I get "this guy." "Never heard non-seamless, if you will, piece of New Trends, New Voices." The of him." wedding ceremony between a articles by Allen Secher, Noah Then his folks, very worried that the Cathohc and a Jewish person. When Saunders, and Jean Saucier are I write weddings for Catholics and priest is going to use the "J" word drawn from the "Planning the Jewish people, the priest speaks [Jesus]. "Now all he has to do is say Wedding Ceremony" workshop. the J word and I'm walking out. I Hebrew, and I do parts of the don't care if it's my son, I'm leaving." Catholic ritual. Even the vows are Remember as you read that they written for the couple, not taken were not composed as written The clergy have a goal too. They have directly out of Catholic liturgy. But pieces. Hint, read as you would to take care of their tensions, as well those must be administered by a as your natural tensions. And your priest. listen—moving through the natural tensions aren't really over the ideas and illustrations as whole Many of the other aspects of the wedding, they're over the marriage. units, not focusing on particular ceremony will be very familiar to Okay, I'm about to start a wedding, [both sides]. The priestly blessing, sentences. These are like epic and I get there about a half hour the benediction, which you know as: poetry, rather than lyric! early. We have everybody all lined up, Y'varechacha adonai v'yishmarecha, Although the discussions weie getting ready to go down the aisle. "May the Lord bless you and keep originally parts of unified panel And I look around and I say, you." That is done in the Catholic "Where's the groom?" Church, so that is not unfamiliar. discussions, we offer them here There is a book that has all variations as separate articles for clarity "The groom's in the bathroom." of the Catholic ceremony, and it's and economy of space. The I said, "Well, go tell him to come out, really wonderful, except for one printed transcripts contain the we're ready to start the wedding." thing: In the vows in there, (which you don't have to use, but) they still full-length discussions in a form "He can't. He peed his pants." have that you will "obey." closer to that in which they The groom's in the bathroom occurred. See insert for You might want to sit down with washing his tuxedo pants, and he's your parents with that book, and see transcript ordering information got a [hair] dryer, drying them off. if there are pieces you might want to That was nervousness, guaranteed.
February/March 1999 page 3 (^Dovetail
incorporate into your wedding. And chance of my keeping her Jewish for your folks to see that the Catholic than if I sent her away. Church has broadened their accept• My colleagues feel differently. We able hmits of what language can be Jews have been hearing that we are in your wedding. the chosen people. "[God,] Who has I see it as a very religious ceremony. chosen us from among all peoples." The rabbis, my colleagues, would say, If we are chosen that means we gotta no, it's not a Jewish ceremony. Well, keep it going. And the only way we it isn't. You need to say "Law of can keep it going is by deciding we Moses and Israel." [Yet it would be] are right and everybody else is inappropriate for [the groom] to put wrong. the ring on [the bride's] finger [in an interfaith ceremony], and say that Man [phrase]. Is it a religious ceremony? I have the ultimate Jewish mother, Absolutely. Am I a rehgious fiinc- who is a convert from Lutheranism. tionary in this case? Yes. But I'm a What I get when I talk about Jewish religious functionary who wedding ceremonies is that as a Jew, chooses to do mixed marriages. I owe it to—in my past, the martyr• You do not need a rabbi to do a dom, the Holocaust, every single Jewish wedding. The state says there oppression that ever happened to the must be somebody who can offi• Jewish people and all of our ances• cially, in the laws of this state, do tors—even talking about kids, that if your wedding. So, in Illinois it is an those kids weren't raised Jewish, then ordained or an elected clergyman, all that death was in vain. And it's the or a judge. most fantastic guilt you ever heard. How do you respond to that? Many ministers will require some hours of counseling. And that will Allen Secher vary with the minister. Many "Mom, you really gave me a great ministers will require that there be a understanding of what my history is battery of exams, out in Minnesota, all about, and I really appreciate it. for compatibility. 1 share a building You opened up doors for me. But facility with a Episcopalian minister. what you also opened up to me is the He requires eight sessions with him, right to make some choices, and this plus the battery of exams. In most of the Roman Catholic churches in is the way I've chosen. Know that all Chicago, they require pre-Cana of what you've taught me is in• sessions. grained in me, and I feel it. Now, I'm going on with my own life, and I'm Intermarriage not rejecting you at all, or what Philosophies you've taught me."
I feel that I'm wiUing to take some different kinds of risks. If I'm willing to relate to [an interfaith couple] at the most magic moment of their lifetime, I think there's a far better
February/March 1999 page 4 An Interfaith Officiant's View Noah Saunders
once co-officiated with a who I'm not. I ask about what he will Noali Saunders was raised in a Catholic deacon for a groom or will not allow. That helps keep Conservative/Orthodox Synagogue from a British Jewish family and debate away from the couple, who Ia French Catholic woman. We wrote are already embroiled in details. The in northern New Jersey, and also the wedding in English, Hebrew, and last thing they want is to worry about celebrated all of the Catholic French. I did the Hebrew and French, what's acceptable to the officiants. holidays with his father's Italian and together, the deacon and I did Catholic family. Noah is an ordained the English. I usually write the ceremony, because often other clergy have no experience lay clergyman, developing and The bride's sister had a truly beauti• of co-officiating. But having met, I officiating at custom wedding ful singing voice. She had agreed to can incorporate their concerns and ceremonies for interfaith and sing Ave Maria. Before the wedding, requirements into it seamlessly. the groom said to the deacon, "What Establishing trust, humor, and caring intercultural couples, including those are the words to Ave Maria?" between the two officiants makes who are no longer formally affiliated everyone else feel much more with a church or synagogue. His The deacon said "You don't have comfortable. to worry about it." The groom said, services encompass baby-naming "I really want to know." The deacon If you have not chosen the site, I do ceremonies and memorial services. said, "Don't worry about it, don't encourage interfaith couples to look Noah also serves businesses, non• worry about it." So the groom at campus chapels, which are not profits, and government agencies as dropped it for that moment. But oppressive to the Jewish eye. Or, later, he found out the words to Jewish tradition is to be married adviser and management consultant Ave Maria. outdoors in the evening, so that you can look up into the sky, and see the The wedding was in a natural stars. However, Catholics will need a ampitheater outside of Boulder. So dispensation not to be married in a up through the top of amphitheater church. comes this angelic voice singing Ave Maria. I looked at the groom, and he The Ceremony was smiling. I asked, "What did you do? He said, "I changed the words." The first part is the welcome. I am No one knew, except him and his categorically against lecturing about new sister-in-law. He was happy, and what's going on in the ceremony, but everybody else was happy as well. there should be an indication of what the symbols that are part of The point of this story is that creative your ceremony mean. For example, changes, when done with love and the huppah or canopy is symbolic of intelligence, with the goal of retain• your new home. ing everyone's integrity and comfort, need not disturb anyone. After that there is an invocation, or opening prayer. Make sure that On Preparation whenever anything is said in Hebrew, English immediately follows. I When an interfaith wedding is recommend starting with the Jewish celebrated with two clergy, there opening prayer, which is quite short, should be a relationship between the in Hebrew and English. Then have a co-officiants, to avoid any territorial• more contemporary colloquial ity. I go to the parish and meet with welcome prayer that will allow your the priest on his territory, introduce Christian friends to feel comfortable myself, and talk about who I am, and with what's going on. None of these
February/March 1999 page 5 ^Dovetail
have to be long, by the way. But can be as volatile an insertion as Dovetail's Editorial whenever an interfaith couple says using "Jesus" in the liturgy. Advisory Board they want a short wedding, I look at While the Jewish tradition does not them and say, "Impossible." require a ring from the bride to the Rabbi Dr. Arthur Blecher Licensed Professional Counselor, I also like to acknowledge people groom, many modern couples prefer Washington, DC who aren't there. It's really important both to give rings. The bride can say something totally different, or she Nancy Nutting Cohen to bring everyone's's attention into Founding Member, Twin Cities Interfaith the moment, recognizing the love of can say the same prayer. The Hebrew Support Group, Minneapolis, MN those not there in body to share that prayer, by the way, is very similar to
Dr. Eugene Fisher time with you, but most certainly what's used in the Catholic Church Director of Catholic-Jewish Relations, there in spirit. when you exchange rings. National Conference of Catholic Bishops' Secretariat for Ecumenical and Inlerreligious Then comes the homily, which I Then, you can break a glass. If you Affairs and a member of the International usually share with my co-officiant. do, explain why, but I encourage Vatican-Jewish Liaison Committee, The homily should address your people not to get cute about this. , Washington, DC religious differences and similarities, One of the reasons the glass is Rabbi Julie Greenberg as well as the contemporary matters broken is the same reason that Director, Jewish Renewal Life Center in of your relationship. It shouldn't go church bells are rung at the end of Philadelphia, PA who ministers to many on very long—not more than 3/4 of the marriage ceremony; that is, to interfaith couples a page for each officiant. threaten evil spirits possibly wishing Joan C. Hawxhurst you harm. It's superstitious, but that Founding editor of Dovetail, president of At the end of the homily, there is is a universal reason for making a Dovetail Publishing, Inc., author of Bubbe frequently some joining of your and Gram: My Two Grandmothers. loud noise at the end of a wedding.* hands with the rabbi and the priest, Rev. Julie Parker which can include wrapping a stole After a couple have broken the glass, Protestant Chaplain, Hofstra University, or other cloth around them. This is a I lift it up and I say, "Kiss again." At Hempstead, NY , moving symbol of your new union that point, everyone is standing, Rev. John Wade Payne that is acceptable in all traditions. everyone is clapping, and it's very Park Avenue Christian Church, New York; Co- celebratory, and it's a wonderful way Author of Happily Intermarried: Authoritative After that, introduce and exchange Advice for a Joyous Jewish-Christian Marriage to seal it once again, right before the wedding vows. In the Jewish going down the aisle. Rev. Bernard Pietrzak tradition there are no vows, so this Roman Catholic Counselor to interfaith component comes from the Chris• One final thought. At the end of the couples in the Chicago area, based at St. tian tradition. ceremony, I encourage couples, even Raymond Church, Mt Prospect, IL in a nondenominational wedding, to Then exchange the rings. This is Rev. Dr. Bruce Robbins follow a Jewish tradition and go General Secretary, General Commission on where one of the requirements for some place private. Take fifteen, Christian Unity and Inlerreligious Concerns, Talmudic marriage comes in. The United Methodist Church twenty minutes alone—just the two ring given by the groom to the bride of you. The photographer can use Dr. Stanley Ned Rosenbaum is what seals the marriage. The this time to set up. Have your best Professor Emeritus of Judaic Studies, Dickinson groom says an ancient prayer, which College, Carlisle, PA; Co-Author of Celebrating friend put whatever you both like to is (loosely), "By this ring, as a token Our Differences: Living Two Faiths in One eat and drink on hand, but let no one and pledge of my constant love, you Marriage else be present. It's well worth the are consecrated to me, as my wedded effort! 7': Oscar A. Rosenbloom wife." This can be said in English and Cantor, Interfaith Community of Palo Alto, CA in Hebrew. In a Jewish wedding, "Editor's note: There are other explanations there's a tag line—"according to the for the meaning of this rite, including Membership on Dovetail's Editorial Advisory Board does remembrance of the destruction of the " not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles and laws of Moses and Israel." This can Temple and acknowledgment of the fragility opinions expressed herein nor imply institutional or be dropped. It's not necessary, and personal commitment to fostering interfaith marriage. of human relationships.
February/March 1999 page 6 A Very Civil Ceremony Carol Weiss Rubel
y Irish-Catholic mother members of our immediate families Carol Weiss Rubel is the adult child was fond of saying that as possible. However, we made a of an Irish Catholic/Jewish marriage one should never contem• deliberate decision to have Catholic whose parents managed to maintain Mplate marriage until the process of family members explain Jewish wallpapering a room together had traditions and vice versa. We did this their separate religious affiliations been completed; how I wish that the to symbolize that mutual respect while raising their children as "test" of whether an interfaith couple begins with understanding. Catholics. She currently serves as can peacefully coexist during a crisis were that simple! On the other hand: We invited the youngest women of coordinator of an alternative school perhaps planning our wedding was each family (young teens) to light program for at-risk teenagers, candles honoring everyone not with our wallpapering! employed by the Scranton (PA) us that evening, whether because of Adding a special dimension of death or because of choice. We School District She has extensive difficulty to the planning of our recognized their importance to us experience as speaker in local, wedding was the fact that my and connected them to us in a regional, and national forums on husband had children from another positive and meaningful manner. We areas including educational reform marriage. They were Jewish (ranging broke a glass at the ceremony's end— in observance from Conservative to but not before my best friend (an (alternative techniques), dealing with Orthodox) and their response to our Irish Catholic, like me) had ex• life changes, and women's issues. decision to marry was mixed—pun plained to everyone present what intended! My husband and I decided they were about to witness. that the tone of our new home would be reflected from the beginning. Because we incorporated "teaching Hence, our decision to marry was moments" into our ceremony, just exactly that: ours. everyone understood the significance of my future sister-in-law's closing Inclusivity reading. She wrote an original essay which discussed the notion of b'shert We tried to include everyone in our [destiny]. By doing this, she helped ceremony. One child accepted everyone present affirm their graciously; one declined. Her absence happiness that my new husband and was felt by all of us. Therein lies one I had—at long last—found each of the biggest pitfalls in any interfaith other. relationship: the realization that not everyone will ever be comfortable We spent much energy making with your decision. Consequently, certain that people were included the two people marrying each other and that elements from both must be resolute. Catholic and Jewish traditions were incorporated into our ceremony The details of planning the ceremony because we beheve that habits were not as daunting as one might become rituals and that ritual is the expect. Given that I am a practicing framework for how most of us lead Catholic and that my husband is an much of our lives. We wanted to observant Conservative Jew, we establish an atmosphere of respect decided to be married in a civil and difference between equals from ceremony performed by a federal the outset of our marriage so that judge who is a friend of ours. The our family and friends could ceremony itself was written with one understand our decision to establish goal in mind: to include as many a true interfaith home, one in which
February/March 1999 page 7 Dovetail
we each would continue to live in the our daily lives. We joked that while tradition we had been born into. we were unsure as to where to To celebrate Passover address His invitation, we knew for with Christian In-Laws... The Wedding Guest sure that His response would be, "Delighted to attend!" The Our wedding was a joyful occasion. INTERFAITH Although it was a civil ceremony, my Congratulations! Mazel Tov! And FAMILY SEDER husband and I were certain that may you, too, be assured that the Book despite being performed in a setting God of your past will walk into your other than a religious one, God was future... between you... as a common Any child can learn most assuredly present at our support and a shared strength. P Four Questions if it's sung to wedding as we know Him to be in Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star $9.99*
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February/March 1999 page 8 Resources from the 1998 conference, "Interfaith Families in the 1990s: New Trends, New Voices"
Transcripts $10.95 each (members $9.85) including shipping and handling.
Tl:98 The Big Day: Planning an Interfaith Wedding T2:98 But What Am I? Choosing Your Child's Religion T3:98 Is There Anyone Out There? Founding and Running an Interfaith Dialogue Group T4:98 Life Passages: From Baptism/Circumcision/Baby Naming to Bar/t Mitzvah/Confirmation 15:98 Bringing Up Baby: Educating Children of Interfaith Parents 16:98 When It Ends: Living Wills, Funeral Practices, Divorce/Annulment Agreements T7:98 The Ripple Effect: Interfaith Marriage and the Extended Family T8:98 Why Do They Believe That? Grappling with Each Other's Faiths T9:98 Living in an Interfaith Marriage: Steve and Cokie Roberts Share Their Experiences
Videotape I (2-tape set): $29.95 (member price $26.95) including shipping and handling. Includes the following plenary presentations:
"Living in an Interfaith Marriage": Cokie and Stephen Roberts, nationally renowned journalists and broadcast commentators whose 30-year interfaith marriage came to public attention when their contri• bution to the book Lf'Wer.s to Our C/z/Wren was excerpted in L^5A SMnrfav.
"Understanding and Misunderstanding: How History Affects Relationships": Dr. Eugene Fisher, director of Catholic-Jewish Relations, National Conference of Catholic Bishops' Secretariat for Ecumenical and hiterreligious Affairs; member of the International Vatican-Jewish Liaison Committee.
"Protestants and Prophecy: Common Ground for Interfaith Couples": Rev. Dr. Bruce W. Robbins, General Secretary of the General Commission on Christian Unity and Interreligious Concerns of The United Methodist Church, and co-author of Jews and Christians: A Dialogue Service about Prayer with Rabbi Leon Klenicki.
"How Interfaith Couples Confront the Holocaust": Rabbi Edward Zerin, author of How to Explain Judaism to Your Non-Jewish Neignbor and a licensed therapist. This presentation includes slides from the interfaith pilgrimage to Auschwitz led by Dr. Zerin.
"Tribute to Rabbi Samuel Silver and Presentation of the Father Dan Montalbano Award for Promoting Interfaith Understanding": Rabbi Allen Secher, DI-IFR board member, Emmy-winning television producer, and consultant to the country's largest interfaith dialogue group.
"What is Dovetail?" Joan C. Haw.xhurst, founding editor of the journal and DI-IFR board member, gives a thumbnail outline of the organization and its history.
Videotape II (V2): $25.95 (member price $20.95) including shipping and handling. One speech only:
"Living in an Interfaith Marriage": Cokie and Stephen Roberts I Mail to: or call toll free: DI-IFR 1-800-530-1596 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. fax: Boston, KY 40107 1-502-549-3543 I email [email protected] Name: Address:
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These songs can be "picked First, God will change the water into haggadah that is sensitive to up" at first reading, adding fun and blood (ick, ick). the interests and attention laughter, and involving everyone. First, God will change the water into spaAn of young children, yet also Imagine the lives of the slaves (to the blood (ick, ick). inspiring for adults? Do you believe tune of "I've Been Working on the There'll be nothing left to drink; ' that a Passover seder should be a Railroad"): With no baths you all will stink joyful celebration, rather than a When God changes all the water solemn, drawn-out ordeal? Do into blood (ick, ick). you need something that gives lots of user-friendly information Feel the tension as (how to's, why's, recipes, songs, Pharaoh's mood keeps ' etc.)? If you answered "yes" to changing (to the tune of any of the above, Mary Ann "Clementine"): Barrows Wark's We Tell It To Our Children: The Story of Every time bad things got Passover may well be your started answer. He would almost let them go; '• Probably the most unique But as soon as things got better. feature of this haggadah is its He would switch and tell them use of puppets to tell the story. NO! (shout no). The Leader Edition ($14.95) comes complete with nine See Pharaoh crumble characters drawn on card stock, under the pressure (to the which children can color or tune of "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"): decorate, cut out and mount as finger or rod puppets (directions My river and my sun gods have are included and easy to follow, always helped me rule. '-, ; with some help from an adult). Down came the plagues and These puppets then become the folks think I'm a fool. basis for "acting out" the story Up comes the slaves' God and of Moses, his encounter with tells me what to do. Pharaoh, and the Exodus. It's in I'm a roughy-toughy Pharaoh. this context that the narrator Why won't my gods come ; explains why the table is set with through? .; bitter herbs, charoset, matzah, etc. I've been working on these buildings; Children (and adults) of all ages can Pharaoh doesn't pay. Not even Cecil B. DeMille could take part, the older children taking I've been doing what he tells me create a more engaging dialogue or the more advanced reading parts, Like making bricks from clay. production than a family and guests and younger children taking begin• Can't you hear the master calling, using this script! ning or non-reading parts (there's "Hurry up, make a brick!" Interfaith families especially will even a sheep puppet who simply Can't you feel the master hurt me appreciate the user-friendly nature of interjects "Baa, baa" on cue!). Female Until I'm feeling sick. this book. Wark has included detailed parts are also included in the roles Oh, this is a mess, (2X) instructions about the ceremonial of Miriam, Yocheved, and the Prin• Oh, this is a mess for Jews, for Jews. foods (what they symbolize, how they cess. Additional Guest Editions Oh, this is a mess, (2X) should be prepared, where they go on (without puppets) are available for Oh, this is a mess for Jews. the table), tips for organizing the $7.95. puppet drama, and lots of commen• Another delightful piece of the Watch the plot thicken as each of tary on how to make the most use of drama is the use of music. Scattered the ten plagues is sung (to the tune of this particular haggadah. throughout the narrative are verses "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Moun• The haggadah includes a number of set to the melodies of American folk tain"): additional helpful features: 12 DOVETAIL February/March 1994 Reprinted urifh permission. • Craig Oskow's many illustra• itself to reading between the temple president. Yet she tions, engaging even if only in black lines. As Wark herself believes her "major accom• and white, help keep younger chil• explains, "I have raised many plishment and joy is being a dren and non-readers interested and questions over the years: Did mother." This haggadah is focused. Moses know he was Jewish proof positive of her • Blessings during the meal appear when he was in the palace? great love for and in Hebrew, a transliteration of the How did he know? Did understanding of both Hebrew, and in English. others in the palace know? children and Passover. • Traditional Passover songs, such How did he feel when there We Tell It To Our as Had Gadya/An Only Kid, Ehad Mi were anti-Jewish discus• Children: The Story Yodeah/Who Knows One, and Adir sions? How did Moses \ of Passover (1988) is Hw/God of Might, are also included persuade his own people to published by Mt. Zion in Hebrew and English, with music. go along with him? How did Hebrew Congregation Perhaps the only way this haggadah he deal with Pharaoh? What Rabbi's Publication could be improved would be to was it like when the plagues Fund and Mensch include a tape cassette of these. came? ... I hope you will raise Makers Press. You can • An annotated bibliography of and try to answer questions too. order it through: Moses puppet. additional Passover resources for The true celebration of this Mensch Makers Press, children is listed in the back. holiday of freedom requires each 1588 Northrup St., St. Paul, • Various suggestions are offered participant to feel the issues, to MN 55108-1322, or call (651) 644- on how one might integrate extended grapple with the inherent dilemmas, 8533. Prices quoted above do not Jewish family and encourage reflec• and hopefully to forge a part of the include shipping and handling. T tion and discussion of modern self to deal with the issues as they are struggles for freedom. real in our lives." Nancy Nutting Cohen has degrees in theology This last point leads to the issue of Ms. Wark is a woman of impres• and religious education and is currenihj working toward a Certification in Spiritual how this child-focused haggadah can sive credentials and accomplish• Direction. She lives iviih her interfaith famihj also speak meaningfully to adults. ments, ranging from multiple degrees in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Aside from the sheer fun of the from Ivy League universities to puppets and songs, the story lends teaching law school and serving as 1. "When do we eat?" 2. ''When do we eat?" Are these the four 3. "When do we eat?" questions your kids 4. "When do we eat?" really ask at the seder? This Passover, enjoy your seder with a special Haggadah designed for families with young children. Passover can be a fun educational holiday. To attract and hold a child's attention, it fea• But if you have young children, getting tures cut-out finger puppets, songs based on them through the seder can often take American folk music, even large print a miracle. Unless you use the one for easy reading. Entire families can act Hagaddah specifically created for out the story, with children as young as families with young children. two playing small roles. We Tell It To Our Children: The Endorsed by rabbis and religious Story of Passover is a unique educators, this Haggadah can Haggadah that transforms the help you turn a regular seder seder into an engaging, action- into an event everyone, young packed drama. and old will truly enjoy. To Order: Phone (651) 644-8533 • FAX (651) 645-8340 • Or send check payable in $US to; ^^^A^ Mensch Makers Press • 1588 Northrop • Falcon Heights, MN 55108-1322 There are 9puppet roles. You will need a minimum of 6 books, I leader and 5 guest editions. Name QTY AMT Leader Edition (With puppets)...$14.95 ea. Street Guest Edition (No Pupped)...$7.95 ea. City/State MN Residents add 6.5% sales tax Shipping/handling: UPS or 4lh Class Mail $6.00 Zip Code . . Phone. 2nd Day Air $13.00 TOTAL Sorry, no credit card orders - you will be billed. DOVETAIL 13 Orders received after March 24 cannot be guaranteed for first seder March 31, 1999 From Both Sides Now... Jean Saucier e were married by Rabbi married in a hotel; that was too Jean Saucier, public relations Secher and Father Bernie foreign to him. But we did find a practitioner for a high-tech PR firm, Pietrzak. It was incred• hotel that he felt good about. It had was a presenter at the 1998 DI-IFR Wible, better than we had ever ex• a raised step up, so he feh that was pected and probably better than holy, for lack of a better word. He conference and a planning volunteer. what either one of us would have was fine with the huppah. Jean has written on interfaith found marrying someone of the marriage for The Knot, an on-line same faith, and having it done in However, he didn't want to walk one tradition. down the aisle with his parents. My publication. parents always wanted to walk me What we did was incorporate all of down. And I thought it would be so the symbols that were always nice for his parents to do it, too. We important to us. The kiddush cup, brought his parents to the hotel and the huppah, the unity candle, the showed them: "This is where the aisle seven wedding blessings, the prayer is going to be, this is where the of the faithful: and then we had three huppah is going to be, this is what a readings, one Old Testament, one huppah looks like. This is what it New Testament, and the Apache means. And this is where my parents wedding blessing. We thought we'd will be standing, and we'd love to just throw that in, something have you stand here as well." They different for everyone. still weren't comfortable with it, and Rabbi Secher said, "Fine, whatever And we involved our families. The they want to do they can do." readings were done by my aunt and Brian's aunt. My brother read the Then we met with our priest, and we seven blessings in Hebrew, and told him where everyone was going Brian's sister read them in English, to be. And he said, "You know, I don't and they stood up there together. think that will look too good, if Brian's parents are sitting down. We had comments from people that That's going to make people uncom• we never expected would really fortable, and they're going to think, appreciate [the ceremony]. Brian's 'Maybe they don't approve.'" family is Italian Catholic; then part of his family is Polish, part of it is I was hyperventilating. I said, "Brian, from Mississippi. Of all these my God, what are we going to do?" different people, none of them had ever been to a Jewish wedding, or He said, "Relax. If the priest is telling knew anything about it. A lot of them to stand under the huppah, them said it was the most beautiful then they'll stand under the huppah." thing that they'd ever seen. That's the kind of old-fashioned religious beliefs they had. If you put a little bit of work in it, They didn't walk Brian down, but it really can happen. But there were they walked down together, and they certain things we had to deal with. stood there, and afterwards they said, Some Snags "We can't imagine that we would sit anywhere else, that we wouldn't have My parents would have really had a seen you your faces, that we wouldn't problem if I had gotten married in a have been standing up there to see church. Brian didn't want to get everybody's involvement." February/March 1999 page 9 ^Dovetail Our wedding was so spiritual; to think that they had to wear them. everybody thought so. With my But we didn't know how to explain parents, there were questions. They to them that they didn't have to, thought, "Well, how is this going to [aside from a program note] that be anything religious? These people said, "If you feel comfortable, please are going to be standing up there, feel free to wear this, but don't feel and they're not going to say any• that you have to." thing," and that was really important to us, for it to be the opposite, and we Resolutions made it that way. We didn't want to make a booklet. I Something I was a little uncomfort• didn't want everyone to be reading able with, was when the priest the whole time. That takes away from sprinkled holy water on the rings. the magic. Rabbi Secher said, "People When we were first talking about aren't all going to know what this; I wasn't quite sure about it. It everything is, the breaking of the was important to Brian, so I said, glass, etc., so it's important to have "Okay, I'll get through it." something...." And it was funny, the Catholic side thought, "Oh, isn't this But I was also getting married in nice, they did this so that the Jewish the Jewish tradition: you get married people will understand the Catholic," with a plain gold band on your right and the Jewish people were saying, [fore]finger. Well, I wanted to do "Oh, isn't this great, all the Catholics both. I wanted to have my wedding can understand what the Jewish band put on my left hand, but I rituals are." They each thought that wanted to use my grandmother's this was their wedding. wedding ring', I just wanted them to put it on my right hand. Well, my So it really worked out very well. If mother had a problem with holy you can choose the things that are water being sprinkled on her really very important to you—the mother's ring, so I think a priest held symbols, the prayers, something that onto it, or somebody held onto my means something to you—and work grandmother's ring, so it didn't get with your family, help them to sprinkled. It was a logistical night• understand what it is that you want mare, but it worked out. to do, help them be involved some• how; hopefully that will make them I was very surprised about what was feel a part of your lives and what and was not accepted. I was afraid you're trying to do. P that we were going to have to refer to the Trinity, and to Jesus, and it was so nice to know—and my parents were really relieved—that Brian could be satisfied, his family could be satisfied, and we didn't have to have anything that we would be uncomfortable with. Another issue for us was the kipah [yarmulke or skullcap]. It was important to my family. But we didn't want Brian's family or friends February/March 1999 page 10 ally came to understand just how • TALK about what you think your difficult it would be for Sam to be wedding will look like, even if you married in a Catholic church and aren't sure you'll marry each other. why. I also started to imagine a That may be awkward; you need to wedding in a secular setting, and be honest with each other to be it didn't look too bad. It took me a strong enough to stick together when long time to get to this point, and it you need to. The issues that come up HOW TO ORDER meant re-examining a lifetime's in wedding planning are going to DOVETAIL: worth of little-girl fantasies about resurface throughout your relation• my wedding day. Finally, Sam and To place a credit card ship, and you need to face the tough I decided that we did want to go questions head-on. order for your own or through with this, and that we would a gift subscription to take charge of the plans ourselves— • Remember, your partner's feelings Dovetail, please call we wouldn't count on support from about a wedding ceremony aren't the same as his/her feelings for you. 800-530-1596. To order anyone except each other. We were prepared to stand by our plan even Don't get trapped into thinking, "if by mail, send your check with threats of boycotts or unpleas• you loved me you'd do this for me." for $25, made payable ant confrontations. We chose a date It was terribly difficult for me to get to DI-IFR, to: and a site, and took it from there. over the guilt I felt for wanting I know this hurt our parents, espe• something that was so obviously DI-IFR cially my mother, but we'd both still hurtful to my future husband, and 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. be single if we had waited for our the resentment 1 felt at the thought Boston, KY 40107 families to volunteer their support. that the place I'd always found so beautiful and comfortable could be Spgcigl Qffgr: Send $50 for It took a long time and a lot of tears, a symbol of oppression to Sam's a one-year membership in but eventually our families were able family. These are complicated—and The Dovetail Institute for to accept our decision. We were important—issues,; you need to be Interfaith Family Resources. married in October in a ceremony able to talk about them objectively. This includes a year's performed by a priest and a cantor, • Be prepared to stand by your subscription to Dovetail, a in a tent outside a historic home. It wasn't easy to find officiants, but convictions, and for the conse- ' 10% discount on conference with a little work we did so, and they quences that may result. Many fees and tape or transcript have become friends and have even interfaith couples find themselves costs, and automatic talked about performing more telling loved ones that the wedding inclusion on the mailing interfaith weddings together. Some will go on whether or not they attend. It's difficult to hurt people list for free brochures on of our most deeply religious relatives, much to our surprise, have told us you love, but your wedding day is interfaith topics. This sum how much they enjoyed the cer• your first opportunity to appear in also includes a $25 tax- emony. I think much of the resis• public as a team: your first chance to deductible donation to this tance we encountered came from fear make a statement about who you are non-profit organization, and of the unknown; our families were as a couple. used to things being a certain way, will help us continue in our Our wedding, in the end, was - " and when we challenged that they work of non-judgmental beautiful. We realize now that we felt rejected. research and education in made some mistakes early on, but we Jewish/Christian marriage. Some Pointers learned from them, and those lessons Thank you for your support. have made us stronger. We've learned some critical things for interfaith couples to remember: February/March 1999 page 12 "You Are Cordially Invited To Attend" hen children are invited to a man, maid of honor, flower girl, W wedding they are strangers to ring bearer, bridesmaids, ushers the meaning of the symbols in this and groomsmen. (A thoughtful life passage. But parents can help bride might even include this children recognize the symbols so checklist for young guests in her that they, too, can have a rich wedding planning.) experience. This is also a great opportunity to Begin with some Bible stories. take out your wedding photo album. Get out a children's Bible and retell Your stories from your heart are the some of the great scriptural stories ones that matter most to your kids, involving weddings. (I highly so share them freely. How did you recommend the Dorian Kindersley know that this love was different? versions with their great background How did you propose? How did Dad and illustrations.) feel when he bought the ring for Mom? How did Mom feel when she • The creation of Eve (Genesis 2) was getting dressed that day, or evokes Adam's realization of whole• taking those first steps down the ness and explains why a man leaves aisle? Sharing details like these will his father and mother and clings to make any other wedding more vivid his wife. for you and your children. • Jacob's travails with Leah and Prepare for the usual complaint: Rachel and the switching of the "Why do we have to dress up?" brides behind a veil (Genesis 29) Explain that this is an event so is a sure-fire hit! beyond the normal that it is called • Share the interfaith wedding of "holy." Some even call it a "sacra• Moses and Zipporah (and Aaron and ment." A wedding gives an entire Miriam's negative reactions). Your family and community of friends kids might be familiar with this story the opportunity to experience the if they've seen The Prince of Egypt. couple's closeness to God's love. At a wedding we are all with God— • The first miracle of Jesus at Cana is hardly an occasion for blue jeans Patty Rust Kovacs, MA, LPC, is a a great way to interweave the old and and a t-shirt. new traditions of the marriage feast. counselor at The University of Marriages are one way of keeping Chicago Laboratory Schools and Make a checklist for a Wedding God's covenant to keep life going The Chicago Academy for the Arts. Ceremony Treasure Hunt (which through generations. From a child's may also help children be more perspective, a wedding is probably She received the Cathechetical attentive and quiet). Use pictures and the most dramatic and theatrical of Ministries Award from Chicago's words to remind them of common all life passages: a time for hope, for Archdiocesan Office of Religious signs and symbols: the veil, the ring, so many dreams are built around Education. She and her husband the kiddush cup, the breaking of the this event. Yet it's not only pomp, glass, the unity candle, the ketubah, but also an occasion to witness David are active in the Jewish- and the huppah. See if they can God's love. Catholic Couples Dialogue Group recognize some of the central and its Family School's children's characters: the bride, groom, best curriculum development. E-mail her at [email protected]. February/March 1999 page 13 ^Dovetail New Book is Must-Read for Interfaith Couples: A Review of Tlrzah Firestone's With Roots in Heaven very once in a while, a book With compassion, and insight. Rabbi E comes along that I unabashedly Firestone has given intimate voice to recommend to all the interfaith the pains and joys of life in an couples who cross my path. Please interfaith family. Based on the consider this my latest such recom• introspection and searching she mendation. With Roots in Heaven: has done about her own life, Rabbi One Woman's Passionate Journey Firestone offers an honest and into the Heart of Her Faith (New unvarnished portrayal of how York: Dutton, 1998) is an engaging, relationships are affected by the moving story that will lodge itself in crossing of religious boundaries. the hearts of interfaith readers. Her words prod and probe, forcing Author Tirzah Firestone is a readers to become engaged in her pyschotherapist and rabbi of the struggle and to connect it with their Jewish Renewal community in own. Her honesty and her clear Boulder, Colorado. While interfaith thinking make this book an essential marriage is not Rabbi Firestone's resource for couples facing the intended main topic (the jacket complex decisions surrounding describes the book as "the chronicle intermarriage. of her evolution from rebellious young seeker to renegade rabbi"), her Interfaith readers should be warned: own long courtship and subsequent her marriage ends in divorce. marriage to a devout Christian Perhaps this outcome makes her minister who shares her spiritual story even more compelling for those Other recent books on interfaith passion is a pivotal part of her story. of us in interfaith relationships, for if marriage include: we honestly discuss Rabbi Firestone's When we lived in Boulder several learnings and decisions with our own Gabrielle Glaser, Strangers to the Tribe: years ago, my husband and 1 were life partners, we stand the chance of Portraits of an Interfaith Marriage (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1997). part of the dynamic local Jewish surmounting some of the difficulties Renewal community, and were she faced. Ellen Jaffe McCIain, Embracing the privileged to experience in person Stranger: Intermarriage and the Future Rabbi Firestone's deep and passion• I cried as I read With Roots in of the American Jewish Community Heaven, with tears of recognition, of (New York: Basic Books, 1995). ate spiritual leadership. Her marriage to a Christian minister was a clear empathy, of relief to find someone so Upcoming: Devon A. Lerner, Celebrat• contributor to her spirituality: eloquently expressing what 1 have ing Interfaith Marriage: Your Jewish without apology, she was able to experienced as a partner on the and Christian Ceremony (Toronto: reach across religious traditions to interfaith journey. For interfaith Owl, 1999). find common threads of truth, to couples, as well as for anyone seeking draw together a diverse community a more meaningful grasp on Jewish through celebration of both the thought and ritual, this book is a Joan C. Hawxhurst is the founding universal and the particular of Jewish wonderful find! Rabbi Firestone editor of Dovetail and the president thought and tradition. At the same exudes infectious passion about her soulful Jewishness. I am so thankful of Dovetail Publishing. A United time, her interfaith marriage was an obvious source of inner tension, as for Rabbi Firestone's passion and Methodist by upbringing, she lives she struggled to integrate her role as vitality, and for her willingness to lay with her Jewish husband and two a Jewish leader with her identity as a bare her own intimate struggles in children in Kalamazoo, Ml. She will wife and mother in an interfaith order to share wisdom that can help us all as we strive to live faith-filled be writing a semi-regular column for family. This struggle lies unambigu• ously at the heart of With Roots in lives across religious boundaries. E"^ Dovetail. Heaven. February/March 1999 page 14 Unique Wedding Resource Wins Kudos from Couples and Clergy Alike "This eminently practical guide helps couples plan a wedding ceremony that will reflect their own differing religious back• SuldtRce for s 4*w asd < Cftfistisa grounds, traditions and beliefs and also be sensitive to the beliefs wtto pi&s %9 marry and traditions of their parents, other relatives and guests." Library Journal Interfaith "This extremely helpful book looks closely at one of the first problems an interfaith couples will face: planning the wedding Wedding ceremony. Solid practical advice." Ceremonies Booklist SAMPLES AW& $0UR.C£$ "An invaluable resource for clergy, who know well the wed• ding rituals of their own tradition, but may be uninformed about those of another." Heverend Julie Parker, Hofstra University "Compassionate, realistic, helpful. This is a great book for interfaith couples who want to plan a ceremony that incorpo• Qf A8€-TVs pftest/FsbtJi team rates both of their backgrounds. I highly recommend it. The sample ceremonies are very helpful!" . A reader from Palo Alto, California Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies: Samples and Sources. To order, call toll-free 1-888-R-FAITHS (1-888-732-4847), Joan C. Hawxhurst, editor. or send your check (add $4.50 shipping and handling) to: ISBN: 0-9651284-1-5 Dovetail Publishing Softcover, $19.95. P.O. Box 19945 This book contains all the Kalamazoo, Ml 49019. ingredients for a successful and meaningful interfaith For a complete wedding, from complete list of other holiday sample ceremonies to advice products available from on finding clergy and working Dovetail Publishing, with your two families. call us at 888-R-FAITHS, Also includes an extensive write to us, or visit resource list. our web site at http://www.mich.com/~dovetail February/March 1999 page 15 The Perfect Keepsake for Interfaith Couples The Ketubah, or Hebrew marriage contract, has been a tradition since ancient times. The intent of this tradition -IDC <>-ip rt promise and commitment to love and honor one another. 'T/im acT)>/iiiiiian hin^ 1^ me a %^riot ratdit s ifra^ to faiun. ^ HAn nw snils Ifiatarrilcaiicil t> 6r t^friir Now, for the first time, a Ketubah is available in language especially suited to interfaith couples. Rabbi Allen Secher of Chicago adapted the text and collaborated with an artist and a specialist in typography and fine printing to create ^ ^ this unique piece. The poetic and egalitarian style clearly expresses an interfaith couple's commitment to respect Mr. mfU^ • i«< •afar If k W |>«ti • Send me the free, full-color miniature reproduction. I want to examine the colors and text before ordering. • Send me the full-size ketubah. Enclosed is $95 plus 110 shipping and handling. (IL residents add $6 tax.) ACTUAL SIZE 16 X 20 INCHES IN SIX VIBRANT COLORS To order by telephone, call: To order by mail, GOO|3 city/state/zip complete the form y ' 312-913-9193 and send it to: company Express delivery is available. EO. Box 3218, Chicago, Illinois 60654 telephone BULK RATE U.S. POSTAGE PAID Chaplin. KY 40012 ^ Dovetail PERMIT NO. 1 M A Journal by and for Jewish/Christian Families 775 Simon Greenwell Lane Boston, KY 40107 In the Next Issue of Dovetail: Choosing Your Child's Religion printed on recycled paper