CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE

AIRBBNB AIR BED, BLOOD & BREAKFAST

A graduate project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements

For the degree of Master of Fine Arts

in Screenwriting

By

Alexandra Karova

May 2016 Copyright by Alexandra Karova 2016

ii The thesis of Alexandra Karova is approved:

______Professor Scott Sturgeon Date

______Professor Jared Rappaport Date

______Professor Alexis Krasilovsky, Chair Date

California State University, Northridge

iii TABLE OF CONTENTS

Copyright Page ii

Signature Page iii

Abstract v

AIRBBNB: AIR BED, BLOOD & BREAKFAST 1

iv ABSTRACT

AIRBBNB AIR BED, BLOOD & BREAKFAST

By

Alexandra Karova

Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting

AirBBnB is a dark satirical comedy/horror story about Ellie, a victim of Stockholm syndrome, who is raised as a toddler by Mary Bucher and her son Thad, her parents' killers. Mary thinks God sent Ellie, who shares a royal blood line that has rumored supernatural powers and wants her to marry Thad. This occurs in the eccentric, fictional town of Bayou Louisiana, where very real current Southern trends like "Haunted AirBnBs" (which her current family run from their dilapidated castle) occur. Ellie's Bucher family relives Confederate battles to deny losing the Civil War, while Ellie denies her past trauma of parental loss to survive it. But, Ellie has a mid-life crisis and all the insanity of her culture comes at a price that she can no longer pay as her own personal Armageddon comes crashing through her castle door.

v FADE IN:

EXT. CASTLE - SOMEWHERE - SUNSET

A midieval Gothic castle is silhouetted by a sunset that goes from yellow to rose, then magenta to purple. The palace becomes black, but the windows glow red as SCREAMS echo.

INT. CASTLE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Arthurian knights in armor stand watch with no one in them, as blood spatters across the wall.

PSYCHOTIC LAUGHTER.

MAN (O.C.) (Southern accent) I got ‘em Momma!

WOMAN (O.C.) (crying) Please, don’t chop him up!

A portrait of Louis XIV looks down on us.

An unseen MAN CHUCKLES.

MAN (O.C.) (Southern sarcasm) But, it’s time for his blood bath! Or, would you prefer a baptism of blood? I don’t hear a response. So, I’ll choose...

PSYCHOTIC LAUGHTER. SCREAMS. CHOPPING. SCREAMS. CHOPPING. Blood covers a man and woman’s cut up bodies then fills the floor.

The portrait of Louis XIV has blood spatter across his eyes.

OLD WOMAN (O.C.) (Southern upset) You got my Louis? Hells bells!

FADE TO BLACK.

A white title appears at the top of a black screen.

“AirBBnB”

New words fade in the mid screen:

“Air Bed, Blood & Breakfast”

1 Followed by:

“Visitors never stay very long...”

Each letter fills with red blood.

The title vanishes.

EXT. APPOMATTOX, VIRGINIA - DAY

GUN SHOTS crackle like fireworks as we fade into a Civil War battle in SLOW MOTION as the fog lifts.

SUPER: “3 months earlier”

A mechanical ring tone CHIMES repeatedly, making the soldiers rubberneck.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL a yellow banner with blue sparkly letters that read: “APPOMATTOX NOW - CONVENTION.”

Everyone’s Southern accent murmurs as they check their cell phones. A SOLDIER answers his.

SOLDIER (whispers) Hey lo? Baby I --

He’s cut off from whoever’s on the other end, looks around embarrassed as he locks eyes with a hostile GENERAL ROBERT E. LEE character, 52, who’s blonde mutton chops blow in the wind. The soldier turns his back as if that hides anything.

GEN. LEE (sotto) I can still see you, corporal.

SOLDIER (whispers into phone) It’s a bad time. I’m not at liberty to send a dick pic --

GEN. LEE (O.C.) (from megaphone) Cut! Suspension of disbelief has been ruined for me! Please put your cell phones on airport, people!

REVEAL Gen. Lee holding a director's megaphone at the back of the soldier’s head. He’s actually THADDEUS “THAD” BUCHER, built like a rock from out door labor with a leathery tan to prove it.

SOLDIER Sorry, Thad.

2 GEN. LEE/THAD Call me General, or Robert E. Lee, please!

SOLDIER But, it’s our anniversary --

THAD Of the first time you sent a dick pic? Please! Like two weeks ago? Show some respect! We’re evoking the spirits of our ancestors to honor General Lee's April 9th, 1865 surrender at Appomattox, Virginia.

SOLDIER Uh, but you’re not related to General Robert E. Lee, so why do you always get to play him...you know...the lead?

A hundred feet away a...

INT. CONCESSION STAND - CONTINUOUS

Red, white and blue balloons decorate a sign overhead that reads: “CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT SNACKS & THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN DRINKS! - ONLY 99¢!”

ELLIE-MAY BUCHER, 47, rolls her eyes at the Civil War re-enactors as she stands with MARY BUCHER, 70. Both are in colonial ball gowns with hoop skirts: Ellie’s in white with a delicate green vine pattern as Mary dons a red brothel-madam theme as they work at the counter.

Ellie fans herself like a caged humming bird, while Mary a bee sizing up which flower to steal pollen from.

ELLIE (V.O.) North and South both considered themselves to be God’s side. One thing Christians and non-Christians can agree upon is we both can’t stand the hypocritical Christians.

Ellie uses her fan as a shield to tell Mary a secret.

ELLIE This whole thing is so stupid, Momma! To commemorate a defeat? (sarcastic) The South loses again and again!

MARY BUCHER (sotto) Mind yourself, girl! (MORE)

3 MARY BUCHER (CONT'D) We’re here fishing for pigeons to stay at our Castle. You should look for a man! Everyone here has money to burn.

ELLIE I wanna marry a good guy and have babies, but not a man who would be caught dead at a Civil War reenactment vacation. Please!

MARY BUCHER You are not Scarlet O'Hara at the barbecue anymore. Not getting any younger! Date for money.

ELLIE Stop pimping me out!

MARY BUCHER Give up having a baby. At forty-seven, they'll come out a retard.

ELLIE Momma, don’t say that word. It’s ugly! And mean.

MARY BUCHER Why? You’ve been hypnotized by the liberal, left- wing media. The Kennedy’s made a campaign about not using the “R” word, because they can’t say their R’s, “Pa-ak the ca-aw at Ha-avad Ya-ad!”

ELLIE What? Are you a member of Westboro Baptist Church, all of a sudden?

MARY BUCHER I don’t live in Kansas. But if I did, I’d make you join the choir.

Ellie cracks up laughing as Mary is increasingly stern.

MARY BUCHER (CONT’D) What you laugh’in fer? I didn’t tell no joke!

Thad and the soldier are wrestling for real, not as part of the reenactment.

ELLIE Can we ever get through one of these without Thad causing a fight?

MARY BUCHER I’m not los’in money on this gig! Oh, what’s he up to? Hells bells!

4 An unseen man SQUEALS. Mary stops fanning as her jaw drops at the sight of...

EXT. APPOTOMOX NOW - RE-ENACTMENT AREA - CONTINUOUS

The soldier has Thad’s face between his thighs, who’s squealing gets muffled.

SOLDIER I’m actually related to General Lee. I should get to play the star!

Thad bites the soldier’s crotch, who screams and falls back. Thad mounts him triumphantly.

THAD Baby! Wook at da little baby kwy’in! Wah!

SOLDIER You bit me! You’re no gentleman!

Thad grabs him by his hair and drags him on the ground.

THAD That’s why you fairy boys lost the war! You have to fight like an animal! At the Yankee’s level--

SOLDIER OK, but you’re getting grass stains on my uniform! Why can’t I be General Lee! Just one time?

THAD (kicking) I’m the better actor. I’m method and don’t leave my cell phone on, which is a lack of commitment that would make General Lee, turn over in his grave!

The Confederate re-enactors circle the two, taking bets and cell phone video. Mary runs up.

MARY BUCHER Stand down, Thad!

Thad freezes, like a mind controlled Manchurian Candidate.

THAD We just play’in, Momma. He’s no pussy. I didn’t really hurt you?

The soldier’s in the fetal position, but with a look of fear to make the beating stop and maintain his pride...

5 SOLDIER (sotto) Nah. Twern’t noth’in, Ma’am.

MARY BUCHER Boys will be boys! Show’s over! Come and get some beverages at our stand! Ain’t my daughter, Ellie-May, purty!

Mary waves her fan to Ellie, who puts on a fake smile and waves back, holding up a soda, then drinking it. The soldiers gaze like they’re in love.

Thad frustrated at Ellie getting attention, puts hands on hips and spits tabacco. He shouts to steal focus back...

THAD My method acting seminar this evening will be mandatory for further weekend Civil War reenactment participation and there's a no-refund policy!

Mary shakes her head and whispers to Thad under her fan.

MARY BUCHER Don’t be so pushy. Honey gets more bees than vinegar.

THAD (sotto) I just want everybody to be good.

MARY BUCHER (sotto) This ain’t no Actor’s Studio and you’re not no James Lipton.

Mary walks away.

Tears fill Thad’s eyes, but he doesn’t break.

THAD (sotto) You’ll see, Momma. I ain’t no James Lipton. I’m Brando! (vulnerable cracking) People will know my name.

INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

A loop of Thad and the confederate soldier plays in the corner screen news anchors MICHELLE WALFORD and LARRY STONE report.

6 MICHELLE WALFORD Well, these Confederate re-enactors fighting...has gone viral.

LARRY STONE As the nation divided fought within itself, so do these... (thinks idiots, subbing) ...guys.

MICHELLE WALFORD Why relive a war that was lost? Am I missing something?

Larry holds in laughter.

LARRY STONE I don’t think you are.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS

ON TV

Anchors Walford and Stone continue their coverage of Thad and the soldier’s fight.

MICHELLE WALFORD Or, are they missing that whole “slavery was bad lesson” in school?

Larry bursts out laughing and spits his coffee up.

LIVING ROOM

Portraits line the wall of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi, Obama, Oprah, a black Jesus, Maya Angelou, Prince and Josephine Baker.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL an African American Family in Louisiana watching the news.

SERITA JONES, 40, the Mom sits with her son, DIANDRE, 10, and daughter CORINNE, 12, on the couch, hugging them.

Their father RANDAL JONES, 40 , sits in a recliner and looks with concern at his dad ANDRE JONES, 60, who sips slowly from a glass of wine with sorrowful eyes.

Jamaican GRACIE JONES, 67, is Andre’s wife and Randal’s mom. She’s an androgenous Grace Jones type, walking by in a hooded cobalt blue metallic robe and black Jackie ‘O sunglasses with silver gloves. She stares at the TV with her mouth agape.

Serita lifts her fist and stands.

7 SERITA JONES This proves that they don't teach real history anymore in Southern textbooks!

ANDRE/GRANDFATHER JONES Speak the truth! You married a smart woman, Randy!

Randal nods with pride, relieved that his Dad’s not upset.

ON TV

LARRY STONE One can only hope it’s the nail in the coffin for these re-enactment conventions.

ANDRE/GRANDFATHER JONES (O.C.) Amen to that!

MICHELLE WALFORD Unfortunately, attendance has gone up as a result of this video.

LIVING ROOM

RANDAL JONES What the...? Oh, Hell no!

GRACIE/GRANDMOTHER JONES (Jamaican accent) We need warriors. I am going in my prayer closet!

RANDAL JONES That’s wonderful dear. Shame the devil! Go! Go! Go with God!

GRACIE/GRANDMOTHER JONES (Holy Spirit tongues) Shambala Rocashaw Stem bot laka noka seda tria...triage! Kadne Lupe. Shalowshinataka Roca Bah!...

Gracie puts her arms up in a victory “V”, keeps praying and floats out horizontally.

Andre puts his hand lovingly on his son Randal’s shoulder.

ANDRE/GRANDFATHER JONES Now son, wait a minute. Look at the bright side?

RANDAL JONES No. Not gonna work this time, Dad. There’s nothing good about this!

8 ANDRE/GRANDFATHER JONES (deadpan) Maybe it’ll be like Fight Club and the racists will beat each other up? After some white-trash meth cook off. One can only hope.

Grandpa keeps a straight face as Randal cracks up.

THUNDER and LIGHTNING with a WITCH CACKLING stop them, then they look at where the sounds are coming from...

ON TV

Images of haunted houses fill the screen in a rubric, until the Bucher Castle grows to take over them all.

LARRY STONE (V.O.) This is the home of the Confederate re-enacter, Thad Bucher, who started the brawl!

MICHELLE WALFORD (V.O.) Spooky! It’s just been voted the “Most Haunted Southern AirBnB!”

PULL OUT from screen as it becomes background for the anchors Walford and Stone.

LARRY STONE Like that’s a good thing?

MICHELLE WALFORD I can’t believe it, but it’s a trendy thing in the South especially with the most haunted mansions or castles, that is spreading internationally specifically to castles so far.

We move into the TV until we are at...

EXT. CASTLE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS

One of the two brass lion heads POUNDS on the right door without any visible hand knocking it. Then the door creaks open REVEALING a KNIGHT in full armor, who lifts his sword.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

The Bucher castle’s open front door is on a LIVE FEED interview screen for the news anchors Walford and Stone.

MICHELLE WALFORD Creeeeepy! But, I guess that’s the idea? What exactly started the fight?

9 Larry jokingly puts his hand over his mouth, blocking the knight from seeing, as he faces the viewing audience and reads notes.

LARRY STONE (sarcastic whispering) You’re not going to believe it, but our source says Thad Bucher beat up his fellow Confederate re- enacter for...bad acting!

MICHELLE WALFORD We’re interviewing him now on a live feed. Thad, is that you?

LARRY STONE (repressing laughter) Are you Michelle’s knight it shining armor?

Michelle smacks Larry’s arm playfully.

LARRY STONE (CONT’D) Ow! I mean wow, you’ve got a big sword there, buddy!

MICHELLE WALFORD Or, are you just happy to see Larry? He loves a big sword.

Larry laughs once, then represses it, but goes along with the joke to try to crack up Michelle.

LARRY STONE (sarcastic) Yeah, I love a big sword, gun or rocket. Don’t know why?

Michelle turns away, giggling and bites her fist.

INTERCUT - INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL/INT. NEWSROOM

The door opens wider to reveal multiple knights hacking their swords, then they all take off their helmets and it’s Thad who screams...

THAD Boo! (shrill laughter) That legions of knights effect was done with our hall of mirrors. But the spirits musta pounded the door. They git impatient. Ha!

Thad takes off his armor like he’s performing a strip tease.

10 MICHELLE WALFORD (O.S.) Thad, what are you doing?

THAD This is for all the single ladies!

NEWSROOM

Anchors Walford and Stone look seriously concerned.

INT. CASTLE - MARY’S BEDROOM - SAME

Mary’s in a red muumuu while Ellie rearranges her mother’s messy red hair at the dressing table, but it just looks more like a bird’s nest.

ELLIE Oh God, why you letting Thad speak to the media?

MARY BUCHER It’s free advertising. We only got one guest suite and need to get as many in and out as possible during the summer vacation season. Or, we lose the castle ‘cuz back taxes with a government lean!

ELLIE Which is Thad’s fault. Not filing while I was in the nut house! You can’t get every visitor to leave in three days and leave their deposit.

MARY BUCHER Oh yes we can! If you get with the program little girl. Willing to go to any lengths for family! It’s all you got. If scaring don’t work, your plan B, with seduction.

ELLIE You mean blackmail.

MARY BUCHER Or, the spirits may kill them as retribution for us. Don’t provoke their vengeance. They protect the Bucher bloodline.

ELLIE You still believe the castle spirits killed that family?

MARY BUCHER Made them drunk, taking the boat and jumping overboard.

11 ELLIE They call it the haunted gator ride because of that?

Ellie grabs the remote and turns on the TV.

MARY BUCHER Yup. It’s no joke!

Ellie flips channels till she finds Thad.

ON TV:

INT. CASTLE FRONT HALL

Thad kicks off the last of his armor, revealing overalls with no shirt, arching his back to show off his tanned pecks.

ELLIE (O.C.) Oh God, Thad. Put on a shirt!

THAD The spirits opened the door, ‘cuz they git impatient. Want’in to meet the fresh meat they’ll soon terrify. So to speak. Hee, hee!

CUT TO:

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

The anchors Walford and Stone stare at each other a moment, then face the camera.

MICHELLE WALFORD Our sound cut out, but we’ll be right back with more from the very ...entertaining Thad Bucher.

LARRY STONE After this word from our sponsor on finding the best worm bate.

INT. CASTLE - MARY’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ellie turns the volume down on the remote control as it goes to commercial and puts Mary’s hair in a bun.

ELLIE Let me do our haunted AirBnB publicity. Can’t do worse than that. C’mon I gotta a genius IQ!

12 MARY BUCHER I shoulda never told you that.

ELLIE You never did. The school told me.

MARY BUCHER You gotta a big head ‘cuz of it! I can’t let you talk on behalf of the business, because you know you’re unstable, dear. As your adult ward, I’m your protector. I made your favorite almond cookies.

ELLIE Thanks Momma for putting them in my room with the almond butter sweetened nutrition bars.

MARY BUCHER Don’t forget your almond milk. Almonds will help you function as much as one with narcolepsy can without having to put you on so much Ritalin. Member the sanitarium nutritionist suggested it?

ELLIE (sardonic) The Paleolithic diet. If it’s good enough for Cro- Magnon, it’s good enough for me. Yup. Red meat, dairy, garlic juice and almond everything! Yummy. Oh, I’m tired.

Mary grabs a cluster of pills from her pocket and hoovers it over Ellie’s mouth in a fist.

MARY BUCHER Well, swallow some of this.

ELLIE I think they make me drowsy. I’m not a doctor, but --

MARY BUCHER Exactly! C’mon open wide, darl’in.

Ellie open her mouth and Mary drops the pills inside, then holds Ellie’s jaw shut as she flinches, then swallows.

ELLIE Why you gotta be so rough?

MARY BUCHER Cause you can’t be trusted to take your meds, so you can be of use and shave me. Contribute to the family.

Ellie picks up a razor.

13 ELLIE Why can’t you shave yourself?

MARY BUCHER It’s a tradition. You’ll get whiskers one day.

ELLIE I got ‘em at twenty seven. But, I pick up a lady Bic and glide it over my own chin.

MARY BUCHER Well, it’s our mother daughter bonding time.

ELLIE (sarcastic) Sweet. Can’t we just do someth’in like get matching outfits instead?

MARY BUCHER (sinister) Very funny! Always mocking my muumuus! One day you’ll appreciate my royal fashion sense.

ELLIE (sotto) I’d rather be dead.

MARY BUCHER You suicidal? I can have you put away for that again.

ELLIE No! Please not that! I was joking.

MARY BUCHER C’mon girl, I don’t have time to dilly dally. Thad needs me!

Mary juts out her chin as Ellie rolls her eyes and lathers it. Ellie’s POV: She hovers the blade near Mary’s jugular.

MARY BUCHER (CONT’D) Well, what cha waiting for?

ELLIE I just wanna be careful.

MARY BUCHER Kill’in your Momma will get you put away forever. You crazier than a nutless squirrel! I swear!

14 ELLIE (Sarcastic) That’s one of the nicer things you’ve said to me. Don’t move!

Ellie holds Mary’s jaw shut, shaving her chin roughly. Mary’s eyes pop open with worry.

ELLIE (CONT’D) I forgot how much I like mother daughter bonding.

Mary’s eyes become joyful crazy eyes.

ELLIE (CONT’D) Shut your mouth or I’ll cut you!

Mary’s keeps her face still but raises the volume on the remote control, because Thad’s on TV again. We go into the screen till we’re at...

INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL - CONTINUOUS

Thad’s straw sun hat matches the piece of wheat he chews on with a widening grin.

THAD Did I scare ya? ‘Cuz I can’t hear y’all! Or, did you die of a heart attack from sheer terror? (slaps belly laughing) Ha!

PULL OUT till the castle front hall becomes LIVE FEED from...

INT. NEWSROOM

Anchors Michelle and Larry look at one another in an awkward moment, not knowing how to react to Thad’s weirdness on the LIVE FEED interview screen.

MICHELLE WALFORD Wow! Spooky! I see why your castle’s been voted the “Most Haunted Southern AirBnB!”

LARRY STONE You threw us off. You’re a...a...little cree --

MICHELLE WALFORD (nodding for a save) Creative is the word I think Larry’s looking for, cause you really look different when not in your General Robert E. Lee confederate uniform.

THAD (LIVE FEED) Yes, ma’am. I’m a method actor and he is not me all the time. But, I understand your confusion ‘cuz I’m real good. (MORE)

15 THAD (LIVE FEED) (CONT'D) Like DiCaprio, De Niro, Pucino, Brando or Benedict Cumberbachio. I just don’t have an “o” on the end of my name.

MICHELLE WALFORD (deadpan) That’s obviously all that’s holding you back.

THAD (LIVE FEED) Yeah, I ain’t no E-taliono. It’s really reverse racism. Why can’t I win an Oscar, ‘cuz I’m a whitey. It ain’t righty. That’s a sayi’in here in Leesiana.

LARRY STONE I’m sure not everybody says that, cause people of color live in Luoisiana. And Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t Italian, doesn’t have an “o” at the end of his name or an Oscar.

THAD (LIVE FEED) Thanks for proving my point. Not Italian, no “o”, no Oscars!

MICHELLE WALFORD And those actors are Caucasian or “white” using your diction.

THAD (LIVE FEED) Hey, there’s no reason to talk dirty to me. How’s you like it if I referred to your mating organ on the news?

LARRY STONE (sarcastic) Yeah, c’mon Michelle. Get your head outta the gutter. Just this once!

Michelle smirks, covers her mouth in faux shock, while tears of laughter well up in her eyes.

THAD (LIVE FEED) You are a beauty!

MICHELLE WALFORD Uh, thanks. I guess?

THAD (LIVE FEED) (chuckles) Nah, it wasn’t fer you.

16 LARRY STONE Why thank you kindly, Thad. (jokingly batting lashes) I get that all the time!

LIVE FEED

OINK. MOO. OINK.

THAD I was talking to Bessie and Mildred.

BESSIE the pig runs up the staircase, ten steps above Thad’s head and turns to face the camera.

NEWSROOM

MICHELLE WALFORD (sarcastic) Oh, well that makes more sense.

THAD (LIVE FEED) Yeah, Bessie won Miss Bacon America for most promising future pork. Where’d that critter go?

MICHELLE WALFORD Bessie’s on the stairs behind... (off Than looking low) ...above you. She’s not camera shy!

LIVE FEED

THAD No she loves a video camera and be’in on top. (rubbing pig’s chin) Don’t cha, baby! Yes, yes you do!

MILDRED the cow puts her face in Thad’s crotch. He pushes it away as the bell on her neck DINGS.

THAD (CONT’D) (blushing) Not now Millie!

NEWSROOM

LARRY STONE You let livestock run around the castle?

THAD (LIVE FEED) It easier if the cow walks into the kitchen, then I can milk her without me walking to the barn.

17 MICHELLE WALFORD But, why the pig?

THAD (LIVE FEED) Bessie’s closer to the griddle, so I can butcher her in the kitchen, then voilá fresh bacon!

MICHELLE WALFORD Butchers must run in your family line, because your last name means the same thing historically, but the “t” has been added in modern English.

Thad angrily stares the camera down, then forces a smile.

THAD (LIVE FEED) By Heaven, I don’t know what you mean.

MICHELLE WALFORD We were told you’re Thaddeus Bucher. Is that correct? Have we been talking to the wrong Thaddeus?

THAD (LIVE FEED) It’s not butcher, but Buchay! It’s French. You don’t say bal-let or va-let with a “t” sound. (looking up stairs) Momma! They’re being weird!

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. CASTLE - ELLIE’S BEDROOM - SAME

The door shuts in Ellie’s face. She jangles the nob, but can’t get out.

ELLIE Momma, you locked me in by accident!

MARY BUCHER (O.S.) It was no accident. My son needs me! You’re crazy! I say that with love. I can’t have you embarrassing this family. Eat your cookies! Wanna go back to the looney bin?

ELLIE Nah. I’m good. Thanks Momma for the cookies and almond milk. Sorry, I’m so crazy. Mom?

No response. Mary’s gone. Ellie surrenders and chomps on an almond cookie, rubs her running nose, then drinks the almond milk. She falls on the bed, shutting her eyes.

18 ELLIE (CONT’D) (yawning) If only I didn’t have narcolepsy.

Ellie SNORES. Smacks her lips, takes a breath. SNORES.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Anchors Walford and Stone look quizzically at Thad on the LIVE FEED.

MICHELLE WALFORD (sarcastic) We’re being weird?

MARY BUCHER (O.C.) It’s the uneducated left wing liberal media! They killed our savior!

The anchors hold their earpieces to hear a message.

NEWS DIRECTOR (V.O.) (to anchors earpieces) I know we’re going long, but stretch it out and you’ll be media superstars! Every whisper’s getting recorded. So, go big or go home!

LARRY STONE (deadpan) Was that on Friday evening or Saturday? Because I don’t work then. So, it was clearly Michelle who killed Jesus.

MICHELLE WALFORD (sotto) What the f --

LARRY STONE (whispering to Walford) No need to swear this is going viral anyway.

LIVE FEED

Thad has a cultish glow in his eyes and curtsies like a triggered Pavlovian dog salivating. He beckons his Mom looping his arm continually while his head is down and one toe points out.

NEWSROOM

MICHELLE WALFORD (whispers) Are they trying to get a reality show? Or, are they really this bizarre?

19 LARRY STONE (whispers sarcastically) No more comments from you, funny one. This is serious journalism!

LIVE FEED

MARY BUCHER (O.C.) I can’t. I’m not even dressed.

NEWSROOM

LARRY STONE (sotto & sarcastic) Please be naked! Please God, let Mary be naked!

THAD (O.S.) Momma, you are the most beautiful woman in the world!

MICHELLE WALFORD (sotto) He qualified that with “woman” not creature. Miss Bacon mighta felt slighted. Or, was it most promising future pork?

LIVE FEED

MARY BUCHER (O.C.) Oh son, I’m not camera ready! In this ole thing? Well, okay then for you.

Mary glides down the staircase in a forest green, velvet, ratty beyond vintage, Victorian gown with feathers pluming from the high collar. Her red hair is pulled up in a bun, showing an overly made up face with lipstick that bleeds outside the lines.

THAD Oh can I kiss you, Momma?

MARY BUCHER No, you just kissed Bessie the pig. And I don’t want you to smear Momma’s lipstick.

MICHELLE WALFORD (sotto & sarcastic) More than it already is, baby Jane?

MARY BUCHER Hi y’all! Come to our weekly seance! People are dying to talk to you. (MORE)

20 MARY BUCHER (CONT'D) Or, stay at America’s #1 haunted AirBBnB. One guest is best if you can survive the night!

MICHELLE WALFORD You’re not connected to AirBnB, but actually call yourselves an AirBBnB? What does that extra “B” stand for?

MARY BUCHER Uh, Bucher. Our last name. It’s an Air Bucher, Bed & Breakfast.

LARRY STONE Rumor has it, that the “B” stands for blood. Making it an Air, Bed, Blood & Breakfast. Since that family died over forty years ago at your castle?

MARY BUCHER The spirits made those people drunk and steal our boat for a midnight gator ride and fell over! Ha! Hee- hee! Why bring up one bad day?

MICHELLE WALFORD Isn’t it inappropriate to laugh about the death of a young couple and their toddler?

MARY BUCHER Well, Satan only comes in if you invite him in. So cruelty to others, gives him a way in. And they were rude!

THAD Yeah, they were Yankees.

MARY BUCHER That’s a Southern code word, meaning New Yorkers. They think I have hay in my hair! But, we come from the royal blood line of Louis XIV’s court painter François Boucher.

THAD He married into that family and all the royal houses of Europe.

MICHELLE WALFORD Didn’t he get Louis favor by painting his wife on a couch with her gown pulled up, exposing her naked bottom spread eagle?

THAD No! She’s on her knees with her butt air bound, not spread eagle.

21 MICHELLE WALFORD So he pimped out his wife?

THAD Na, he painted other girls butts and presented them to the king, who made them mistresses. So, it wasn’t just his wife. He was the closest they had to porn. (prideful) Like the first Larry Flint!

LARRY STONE But, Larry Flint showed women’s private parts, full frontal, legs parted. Boucher didn’t do that?

MARY BUCHER Oh, yes he did! Leda and the Swan. There’s frontal and she’s shaved! He was prophetic! I mean how did he know women would wax it one day?

THAD The swan is sticking it’s beak close to her thangy and looks very interested. Like he’s a doctor. Leda pulls her nighty up, because she wants the swan so badly!

MICHELLE WALFORD That myth is about the swan raping Leda. But, his rendition celebrates beastiality. It’s very disturbing.

MARY BUCHER No, it aint. Because the swan is Zeus in disguise. See he’s a shapeshifter. So it’s good conservative man on woman --

MICHELLE WALFORD Rape? Rape is what your celebrating. Or, beastiality?

THAD Animals deserve love too! There’s legitimate rape, which some GOP politicos have proven. I myself don’t push myself on any lady, unless she asks for it.

MICHELLE WALFORD By asking for it, you mean...?

THAD I mean begging me. I don’t believe in non- consensual rape. Especially when so many females want me. I mean you saw the cow, just going for my crotch! Like when someone’s dog greets you by humping your leg.

22 MICHELLE WALFORD I mean you’re right, but...ew!

LARRY STONE But, you may as well confess and save your soul. I mean, while you’re on TV. Right, Christ killer?

MICHELLE WALFORD For the record, I don’t work Friday night or on Saturday. Couldn’t have killed baby Jesus. Or, the grown up version for that sake!

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

Interview with haunted AirBnB visitors. Change to Ray?

LARRY STONE And that’s a good thing?

MICHELLE WALFORD I can’t believe it, but it’s a trendy thing. Here are travelers Myrna and Martin Hadley, from Kentucky, to tell us about it.

The Camera widens to include Myrna, 56, a shade too red to be natural hair, wearing a muumuu, while Martin, 56, dons a Hawaiian shirt that subtly matches his orange toupee.

MYRNA Well, my beloved husband Marty. Got scared!

MARTY Did not! Just hush up!

MYRNA (laughs) By a little girl ghost! Oh, man up!

MARTY Fine. But, that’s scarey! A little girl with spooky eyes, that twirled into kaleidoscopes.

MICHELLE WALFORD Were you on something?

MYRNA No. He’s a party pooper. Won’t even eat cheese, cause he’s lactose intolerant. Anyhew, he demanded that we leave!

23 LARRY STONE In the middle of the night?

MYRNA A wus.

MARTY Am not!

MYRNA Total wus. I must say, I was a little jealous.

MICHELLE WALFORD Of Marty and this girl?

MYRNA Honestly, yeah. I mean why didn’t the spirits try to contact me?

Michelle Walford rolls her eyes, then stares through the camera at us.

INT. JONES FAMILY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

ON TV

The news anchor completes her report.

MICHELLE WALFORD There you have it, folks! Haunted AirBnB’s - the hottest trend in the South for vacationers this season with the Bucher Castle going to the top of the list!

LIVING ROOM

Serita and Randal are on their feet speechless. Their kids Diandre and Corinne serenely munch on potato chips. Grandpa Andre Jones calmly rests his chin in hand, before the storm comes rolling out of his mouth...

GRANDFATHER JONES White people be crazy! They don't have it rough enough, so they consider getting terrified as an ideal vacation. What do my grand babies think of this? Hmm?

DIANDRE Sounds like fun?

GRANDFATHER JONES Wrong answer!

CORINNE Yeah, I think so too. You should loosen up, grampa.

24 Grandfather Jones shakes his head

SERITA JONES I don’t trust the Southern school system, down playing slavery!

LARRY STONE Kids, you will be home schooled from now on! Just so you can get into a decent college.

The kids stare at their father, taking in what this means.

CORINNE Yeah! No more school!

DIANDRE It’s time to partee!

The elders shake their heads in defeat.

EXT. BAYOU CASTLE - BUCHER, LOUISIANA - NOON

SUPER: “2 MONTHS LATER”

A FATHER, MOTHER and SON, 16, rush out with suitcases, avoiding eye contact with Mary, who wears a flower print knee length muumuu with lace to camouflage her stout figure and stern expression that only needs a pitchfork as an accessory.

Thad glares at the exiting family as he holds his rifle, wearing overalls to reveal his muscular chest, earned from out door labor with a leathery tan to prove it.

Ellie wears cut off shorts and a crop top, showing off a voluptuous figure with pig tails in a desperate attempt to look younger. She looks at the sixteen year old like a child missing her puppy.

NANCY and RAY CLARKSON, 50’s, walk in and wave at the visitors, who look down and accelerate their exiting pace.

Mary and Tad get a glazed gleam of cult kindness over their deep blue eyes and smile at Nancy and Ray. Tad leans on his rifle like a cane and Mary waves.

MARY (sotto) First pigeons of Summer. (to Ellie) Smile sugar, we got company.

Ellie snaps into character and waves, smiling with slight tears in her eyes like a disgruntled Snow White in the Disneyland parade.

THAD (sotto re Ellie) Posture.

25 Ellie reluctantly sticks her chest out, then relaxes it.

ELLIE (sotto re Thad) Why don’t you stick your tits out, brother?

MARY (sotto threatening) Ellie. He’s topless for God’s sake.

THAD (sarcastic) I’m showing nipple. Wanna free yours? Be my guest!

MARY (sotto) Ellie, Arch your back...if you love Jesus.

Ellie arches her back, continues waving and stares at Ray Clarkson without smiling, who mistakes it for chemistry and gets a sparkle of lust in his eye.

Ray drops his suitcase and runs ahead of his wife, Nancy, to greet Ellie.

RAY Hello, and who pray tell are you? Daisy Duke?

Ellie looks down and shakes her head in disgust.

Mary explodes in fake laughter.

MARY Oh, you are so funny, Ray! That’s my daughter Ellie. She’s...a...shy.

THAD She’s not right in the head, but good at given it.

MARY (nervously laughing) Oh, Thad! Must you be so vulgar? She’s um...a retard.

ELLIE Momma! I am not!

Nancy catches up carrying both her and Ray’s suitcases.

THAD More like an idiot savant. Like in that movie Shine about the piano playing tard. He couldn’t do anything, but play. Guess what Ellie shines at?

26 RAY I bet I’ll have fun finding out.

Ray laughs, then Mary and Thad follow suit.

Ellie looks pissed off.

ELLIE The Hell you will!

NANCY Oh, fuck you Ray! You carry the damn suitcases. Asshole.

Nancy drops the suitcases.

RAY Oh, mother! Are you going to punish me later? I hope.

Nancy cries and rushes to the castle.

MARY (faux flirting) Oh, you are a live one.

Ellie picks them up and runs ahead to let her in.

RAY It’s this whole thing. I get her jealous, then she gets back at me later...in the boudoir. If you know what I mean?

MARY Yeah, you like older women to punish you. (slyly smiles) You dirty bastard.

RAY (laughs) Oh, I’m in love! You’re a GILF!

Thad cocks his rifle.

THAD Watch it professor! Don’t you disrespect my Momma!

MARY Stand down Thad. He’s Yankee. They don’t have no morals.

27 Thad aims his rifle at Ray, who holds up his hands.

Ellie’s POV: Thad’s about to shoot Ray.

ELLIE Oh fuck!

Ellie runs back out to stop Thad.

BACK TO SCENE

RAY I apologize. I thought we were joking around. I’m from New York! But my roots are very much embedded in Southern pride.

Ellie has caught up to the group.

ELLIE Don’t Thad! It’s not worth it!

THAD No one insults my Momma!

ELLIE But, if it’s me that’s fine.

THAD You’re not my blood.

MARY Thad!

ELLIE I’m your sister.

THAD You were left behind --

MARY Thad!

THAD ...in a trash can like a pile of shit. (giggles maniacally) I didn’t know what it was. Put it in the oven and you came out.

ELLIE Why’d you put shit in the oven, unless you like to eat it?

28 Thad points his gun at Ellie.

THAD You think you’re so smart because you went to college for a month!

MARY We need her Thad!

THAD Fine Momma.

Thad aims his gun back at Ray.

RAY Mary! Thad! Remember where we met?

MARY Oh yeah....the Appomattox Now convention. At ease Thad! He’s a friend of the Confederacy.

Thad lowers his rifle and scratches his head.

THAD That’s right. I saw you reenact General E. Lee, surrendering to Ulysses S. Grant!

ELLIE Why do you want to remember when you lost?

MARY Satan gets to be released for a time before Armageddon, dumby. It was a false victory!

THAD I guess they didn’t have Bible study 101 at community college.

Thad, Mary and Ray hoot and holler with hostile laughter like a wave that drowns Ellie.

Thad puts his arm around Ray.

THAD (CONT’D) You gotta tell me where you got that confederate costume? I can’t get my buttons that shiny.

RAY Hagerty instant silver dip.

MARY I knew it! Wright’s silver cream is cheaper, but it’s vastly inferior...

29 Ellie follows shaking her head.

INT. CASTLE - GUEST BEDROOM - LATER

Ellie opens the armoire for Nancy, who examines the inside mirror, then compares her reflection to Ellie’s and shrugs her shoulders in defeat.

Ellie tries to cheer Nancy up with a white lie that makes her voice slightly go higher.

ELLIE Ray told us he was just trying to get you jealous by how forward he was with me.

NANCY (upbeat) He did?

ELLIE Yeah, he likes it when you spank him...and likes to call you Mommy.

Ellie laughs, then simmers down at Nancy’s disappointed look.

NANCY He does. I’m so sick of it. The whole Mommy/Son role playing thing. I mean we’re the same age!

Ellie stares at Nancy, who laughs, then she cracks up too.

ELLIE My brother and Momma met Ray at a Civil War reenactment thing. Did you go?

NANCY Hell no! What an idiot. I mean why?

Ellie has been starving for a friend and is full of hope at finding someone intelligent to talk to.

ELLIE I know! I wouldn’t go either. I mean German’s don’t try to reenact Word War II and dress up as Hitler. Finally, someone who understands!

NANCY Well, I just don’t like reliving our loss. I mean those monkeys have taken over with Obama as president. Like Planet of the Apes. We are living it. It’s a liberal dictatorship! Sanders is a Commy.

30 ELLIE I wouldn’t say that...

NANCY Clinton is a lesbian.

ELLIE (sarcastic) Bill Clinton?

NANCY Ha, ha! That’d make sense. I hear they force children in New York to learn about evolution!

ELLIE Well, bacterial infections do adapt, so we need to use stronger antibiotics to treat them.

NANCY Yeah right! Left wing Satanic lies! (crazy giggling) You are funny!

Ellie defeated, goes back into putting up a wall to make nice with the guests.

ELLIE (depressed) Yeah. (phony upbeat) Want an Arnold Palmer!

NANCY No. I don’t drink. Unless you got vodka?

ELLIE Oh, we got a John Daly for you!

NANCY Were you a bartender? I mean is that what you studied in school?

ELLIE No. But, who doesn’t study drinking at college?

NANCY Arnold Palmer!

Nancy laughs idiotically, then looks at Ellie, who isn’t laughing, then reluctantly smiles and chuckles once to assuage the awkwardness.

Ellie turns away and shakes her head in dismay, as she carries a towel into the bathroom.

31 INT. GUEST SUITE BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ellie looks upon the François Boucher, Louise O'Murphy (c. 1752) nude on her stomach with legs spread like a field goal, as Louise turns her head, smiling maniacally, then winks before retracting back into a frozen profile.

Ellie bites her finger, worried and wipes the counter clean.

ELLIE (V.O.) I’m losing it!

INT. CASTLE - GUEST BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER

Nancy spies a cobweb on a jewelry box and pokes it.

NANCY (giggling) Wow! This cobweb almost looks real! Great interior haunted-decor.

ELLIE (O.C.) Wait! Don’t touch it!

A black widow spider jumps on Nancy’s face. She shakes it off screaming.

It lands on her hand and bites.

NANCY Shiiit! I guess it is real. Ouch! Fuck this!

Through the door, Ellie waves her to the bathroom sink.

ELLIE Here, get some water on it! I have some cream to off set the poison.

INT. GUEST SUITE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Nancy runs into the bathroom. Ellie runs the water. Nancy’s puts her hand under it.

NANCY Poison?! Am I gonna die?

ELLIE It was a black widow. So yeah, if we don’t treat it in time!

Ellie treats the bite with herbal cream.

NANCY I want a refund! I’ll sue!

32 ELLIE Well, you signed a release.

NANCY The pain’s all gone.

ELLIE My Momma made it from herbs. She’s a shaman of sorts.

NANCY Wait? Is this all part of the haunted AirBnB thing?

Ellie raises an eyebrow.

ELLIE Well, Momma uses herbs--

NANCY Showa she does! You’re good. I was really scared! Took me right out of reality. I love this! Don’t break character. Herbs? Good one! Yeah, I almost died. Ha!

ELLIE Momma’s a naturopath. Herbal recipes are the source of medicine. Pharmaceutical companies just sell it with less potency, because it’s no where near fresh.

NANCY Yeah, sure. Like that southern woman knows more than doctors!

Ellie sees Louise’s eyes glare with anger from the portrait, but it’s not supernatural this time, just the eyes of her mother Mary spying.

ELLIE You really shouldn’t say that about my Momma.

NANCY I get it! This is like dinner theater! You get offended, then it sets up your reason to murder me.

ELLIE No, not really.

NANCY I can go with it. I took improv: (faux snobby) A naturopath doesn’t rent out a room to keep her castle. You’re Momma is powa white trash!

33 ELLIE You’re upsetting the ancestral spirits. Just keep your voice down.

NANCY (whispers) You’re Momma’s Scarlett becoming Blanche Dubois! Kapish, girlie?

Mary slides Louise’s eyes back into their oil paint sockets with a THUD as Ellie looks at the painting with trepidation.

NANCY (CONT’D) What was that? A disgruntled mouse? (sarcastic) Ew! I’m so scared!

ELLIE You should be.

INT. BUCHER CASTLE - HIDDEN PASSAGE - NIGHT

Mary gives Ellie pills and a cloudy glass of water as a chaser.

MARY BUCHER Now, that’s a good girl.

ELLIE The painting smiled. Are you sure that your special effects, Thad?

PULL OUT TO REVEAL Thad checking the surveillance equipment with one ear in a headphone as a one-way mirror exposes Louise and Ray in their bedroom MOS.

THAD Nope. Can’t blame losing your mind on my gift, girlie.

ELLIE How come when Thad hears voices it’s a gift and when I do it’s mental illness?!

THAD I meant my haunting gift. Your such a confused soul.

MARY BUCHER Did you hear voices again?

34 ELLIE No. So, I guess the medicine is working. Can’t I take it myself?

THAD Oh, here we go!

ELLIE I’m not an addict who abuses it.

MARY BUCHER As you adult ward, I distribute your meds. If you have a problem with that, you can go back--

THAD To the looney bin! Can I get her room?

Thad and Mary laugh. Ellie looks sad and defeated.

Mary looks over Thad’s shoulder at his computer.

MARY BUCHER Got anything on our guests?

ELLIE (worry) You just mean for our séance?

MARY BUCHER I’m losing my patience with these snobs. Operation STK.

THAD (slaps thigh) Yee haw! The haunted gator ride! Chomp! Chomp! He’s Gator meat!

ELLIE Uh, you mean STC, “Straight To Cash” not “Shoot To Kill”, right?

MARY BUCHER Yeah, that’s what I said. Thad’s just josh’in around.

THAD (disappointed) Shiit!

ELLIE You said STK.

MARY BUCHER Oh, no. You’re having auditory hallucinations. Need to see Dr. Frankle and up your meds?

35 Ellie’s eyes widen with trepidation.

INT. BAYOU HOSPITAL - DR. FRANKLE’S OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Ellie is sitting with DR. FRANKLE, 50, who gets up and closes the door behind her.

SUPER: “Three Months Earlier”

ELLIE Though the door was suppose to remain open?

DR. FRANKLE You wanted to discuss something private, so this is for you, dear.

The room is dark with the shades drawn, but Dr. Frankle dims the light.

DR. FRANKLE (CONT’D) (chuckles) This is just for setting the mood.

ELLIE What the Hell?

DR. FRANKLE It loosens the patient up, like a meditation. So, in group you were saying that your mother’s pimping you out to her renters? That’s awful, dear.

ELLIE I have all the symptoms of PTSD. I was traumatized at NYU, by my first boyfriend...aquaintance raping me. But I had them before.

DR. FRANKLE Keep talking. You’re in breakthrough mode.

Dr. Frankle stands behind her and lowers his hands on either side of her neck, which she can’t see. He glares perversely excited.

ELLIE Like something happen in my childhood that I blocked out?

DR. FRANKLE Yes, could be your family did things to you, little girl. I’m calling you that to roleplay and aid in you remembering. Can I give you a massage? You seem so tense.

ELLIE Is that part of the therapy?

36 DR. FRANKLE Oh, it helps with sense memory to relieve physical trauma with physical contact. Absolutely!

ELLIE Okay. But, if my Momma did something, am I suffering from a sort of Stolckholm syndrome?

Dr. Frankle massages Ellie’s shoulders, then bends to sniff her hair and bites her neck. Ellie screams and jumps up.

DR. FRANKLE What a tiger you are!

ELLIE Get the fuck away from me! Help!

DR. FRANKLE Sound proof. Is that what you did with your beaux? Go ahead, yell “Rape.” You have a history of falsely accusing him, since it was impossible to prove.

Ellie runs behind his desk, looking for a weapon.

ELLIE You’re going to Hell for this!

DR. FRANKLE Then I may as well have fun while I can! It’s more fun when they fight.

Ellie hits the intercom.

ELLIE Help! I’m in Dr. Frankle’s office!

Dr. Frankle hits her hand away from the intercom and pulls out the phone, then sets it on his desk.

DR. FRANKLE They work for me, so they won’t believe you just to keep getting their paychecks. Think it through. Just give in and it will be easier.

Ellie grabs the phone and smashes into Dr. Frankle’s crotch. He moans like a wounded animal.

ELLIE I’m leaving this place!

DR. FRANKLE Ha! You can’t get out without Mommy’s permission!

37 He grabs her shoulder presses down, until she’s on her knees.

ELLIE What the fuck?! You asshole!

DR. FRANKLE I’m teaching you to respect your new Daddy. Little girl!

Ellie bites his hand, he squeals, then flinches back. She makes it to the door and opens it. NURSE LORNA CASKET, 60, stands there.

NURSE CASKET What’s going on?

ELLIE Dr. Frankle had an accident. His crotch fell on the phone.

NURSE CASKET That happens to him quite a lot.

DR. FRANKLE See you tonight, Ellie! On the graveyard shift.

Dr. Frankle cackles as Ellie dashes out.

DR. FRANKLE (CONT’D) I got all night to help you! (sotto to nurse) She’s really sick. (loud to Ellie) She bit me! I’ll get her teeth removed! Ellie Bucher’s an animal!

Nurse Casket nods, back into Zombie “keep her job” mode.

INT. BAYOU HOSPITAL - PSYCHE WARD HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER

Ellie’s on a pay phone with tears in her eyes.

ELLIE Momma, you gotta come get me. He’s gonna rape me at midnight!

MARY BUCHER (V.O.) You can get raped by him, or have sex with different men, some you may like, and help out yer family. Do you agree to my terms?

38 ELLIE I’ll do whatever you want.

MARY BUCHER (V.O.) Do you love your mother?

ELLIE Yes, I love you mother. Now, come get me, please!

MARY BUCHER (V.O.) (cold) I may. If the Lord wills it.

Mary Bucher hangs up and we hear a deadening loud DIAL TONE.

INT. BAYOU HOSPITAL - PSYCHE WARD LOBBY - 11:50 PM

Ellie reads the clock and frantically pleads with NURSE DONALD, 24.

ELLIE Is it really ten minutes to midnight?

NURSE DONALD Nine.

ELLIE My Momma didn’t come. You gotta let me out, or I’ll kill myself!

NURSE DONALD That’s why we keep people here, for threats exactly like that. Now I can’t let you go, or I’ll be liable. Sorry, hun.

Dr. Frankle comes up behind Ellie and whispers in her ear.

DR. FRANKLE You’re seeing a dentist in 8 minutes. It’s a medical emergency. Complete tooth removal. So, you’ll be less of a menace to society and better at blow jobs.

Ellie’s frozen in shock. Mary wanders in.

MARY BUCHER Hi Dr. Frankle! I’m here to get my crazy daughter.

DR. FRANKLE Good. Bye.

He waves at Mary without looking at Ellie and flees.

39 NURSE DONALD (to Mary) I just need you to fill out some paperwork as Ellie’s ward.

MARY BUCHER Sho’nuff!

ELLIE Thank you so much for coming, Momma. I need to use the bathroom.

MARY BUCHER Don’t think I’ll be wip’in your ass. Go on girl!

Ellie runs down the hall into the patient’s restroom. We hear her vomit in the sink and see her hair flying forward and back through part of the window, because even in the bathroom patients have no privacy for their own protection in Hell.

A red light fills the room, not in reality, but spiritually reflecting her emotional purgatory.

INT. BUCHER CASTLE - HIDDEN PASSAGE - BACK TO PRESENT

Ellie’s frozen in a daze. Mary waves over her face and snaps. Thad walks up holding a water bottle over Ellie.

THAD Want me to baptize her?

MARY BUCHER No. It’s immoral to be twice baptized. Ellie may really need to see Dr. Frankle.

Ellie twitches, coming out of her daymare/hospital flashback.

ELLIE No! The meds are just really working. I’m good.

Ellie plasters a fake smile on as Mary concentrates on guests Ray and Nancy through the one way mirror.

MARY BUCHER So, you ready to seduce Mr. Ray Clarkson ASAP?

THAD He is no looker. That’s for sure!

ELLIE Oh, or you’d take him?

THAD Nah, I’m not a skank. That’s your gift, sis.

40 ELLIE How sweet. I’m too tired from the meds. Maybe tomorrow?

MARY BUCHER I got something that can put you in the mood. Momma’s herbs/med recipe.

ELLIE What? Ritalin, meth, and ecstasy?

Thad laughs, but Mary stops him with a stern look.

MARY BUCHER Giving away family secrets, Thad?!

THAD No. That’s just a lucky guess! I swear! It ain’t the recipe ...completely, anyway.

Mary laughs awkwardly and puts some pills over Ellie’s mouth.

MARY BUCHER That’s not it. Just josh’in. C’mon, open for Momma bird, Ellie.

Ellie reluctantly opens her mouth and Mary drops the pills, then hands her the cup of cloudy water. Ellie drinks it, then looks at Ray via the one way mirror and frowns.

ELLIE I don’t think they deserve STC.

Thad searches his computer.

THAD I have him on tape say’in you nothing but a white trash whore...

ELLIE That’s just to quell his wife’s jealousy at his ogling me. This is because of Louise say’in Momma’s white trash.

MARY BUCHER You’re so conceited, Elle! It ain’t always about you and how attractive you are!

ELLIE No, it’s not. It’s about you.

Ellie notices Nancy has left the bedroom for a bath and Ray is on the phone alone, but eyes the bathroom door like a lookout. Ellie waves at Mary and Thad.

41 MARY BUCHER Why you waving like a conductor?

ELLIE Look! Turn on the sound! He’s making a call while the wife’s away like he’s afraid she might hear. It’s so clandestine.

Thad and Mary look clueless at Ellie.

ELLIE (CONT’D) A...dirt. Dirt we can use, without me having to go be with him.

MARY BUCHER Smart girl! And action!

Thad looks on without moving.

MARY BUCHER (CONT’D) That means “record” Thad. In Hollywood lingo.

THAD Yes, Ma’am. I’m totally the next Spielberg.

Thad hits switches, so they can hear the guest bedroom and the phone call.

ELLIE If he started with blackmail porn. If Spielberg’s mom and brother ran a haunted AirBnB.

MARY BUCHER Stop be’in cruel, Ellie! Stallone did porn. Hush up and listen!

INT. CASTLE - GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ray is on the phone as his wife Nancy is in the bathroom.

RAY Dad, remember that hot piece of confederate ass from the Reenactment?

RAY’S DAD (V.O.) The old lady in red?

RAY No way! I’m not into GILFs.

42 RAY’S DAD (V.O.) Since when? Oh, you mean that ditsy Ellie-May? There’s no challenge in that! Mid lifers spread like pancake batter on a hot griddle! Son, since when you slumm’in?

RAY Well, she’s just for points in our PYT competition.

RAY’S DAD (V.O.) I’m just kidding. She’s okay. Is it our “Pretty Young Thang” contest, cause she’s in her forties.

NANCY (O.S.) Ray? Ray?! Raaaay?!

RAY (away from phone) What’s that darling?!

NANCY (O.S.) I can’t find the soap!

RAY (into phone) No! It’s our “Pussy This Year” and she’s female, so she qualifies.

RAY’S DAD (V.O.) Oh, yeah...I remember. But, I’m gonna win the trip to Vegas for the really high class sluts, on you!

RAY Yeah, they will be on me! Hey, say “Hi” to Mom for me.

RAY’S DAD Will do. You know we love you, son.

RAY I love you too.

RAY’S DAD Can’t wait for our Father-Son “bonding” trip on the strip.

RAY Me either Pops. Maybe we should tag team a whore, just to get closer?

43 RAY’S DAD That would mean a lot to me son. Maybe then we could stop competing for puss and do the mature thing. You know, sharing skanks.

RAY Yeah, that would mean a lot to me too. I could stop with all the false bravado. (shaky vulnerability) And finally just be your son.

RAY’S DAD I should act like a real Dad... (tearing up) Who shares my viagra. Cialis. And ecstacy.

RAY That’s be nice. (wiping a tear off eye) Gotta go. (sotto) The ball and chain beckons!

Ray laughs then hangs up and wanders to the bathroom.

RAY (CONT’D) Coming my love!

INT. CASTLE - DINNING ROOM - LATER

The lights are off with Thad at the head of the table, staring intensely at the glowing crystal ball as Nancy gazes on with anticipation.

Ray eyes Ellie and licks his lips as she rolls her eyes in disgust.

PATSY COOLIDGE, 69, dressed in a bright yellow skirt and blazer like a church daisy, checks her watch and glares at her husband NED COOLIDGE, 70, in a navy suit staring at Mary like a lost puppy in love with his real master.

PATSY COOLIDGE (cough clearing throat) Uh, Ned. The crystal ball is that way. In front of Thad.

MARY BUCHER Patsy, why you come to our weekly seance, when you’re not a believer?

PATSY COOLIDGE If you’re not running a scam, then prove it. What the spirits shy all of a sudden?

44 THAD Wait, wait! I think I’m gett’in somethin!

PATSY COOLIDGE In’t that convenient? If you lose this seance business the AirBnB will be outlawed in Bayou like it was in NOLA 2015, by the end of summer with jail time for violating the zoning code.

THAD Oh, that ruined it!

MARY BUCHER Patsy knows how to ruin a mood. The original party pooper!

ELLIE That doesn’t sound constitutional?

NED COOLIDGE They’ve been try’in to appeal with that argument, but land is an area where they don’t even need to read you your Miranda rights, there’s no right to counsel, but it’s straight to the big house.

PATSY COOLIDGE He means jail. You can’t have paying guests stay for less than 30 days. But, yours rarely stay for 3. You’ll lose this castle. You’ll stop lowering property values for our cultured, old money families.

ELLIE You mean previous plantation owners, who invest in hedge funds that money isn’t enough to get you in on? You gotta know someone.

Ned squeezes Mary’s knee under the table.

NED COOLIDGE Uh, I can work something out for you, Mary. Pro- boner? Hee, hee!

PATSY COOLIDGE Uh, no! That’s a conflict of interest, since Ned is the prosecuting attorney.

Mary slaps Ned’s hand off her thigh. He reacts with an...

NED COOLIDGE Ow! Must be a bug that bit me under the table.

45 Patsy smiles at Mary.

MARY BUCHER We don’t have bugs.

PATSY COOLIDGE Well, you won’t have a pot to piss in, unless you can conjure someth’in supernatural tonight. Prove it’s real and maybe you’ll be able to rent an apartment from us in the white trash part of town.

ELLIE (faking) Ew! I’m feel’in someth’in from the spirits!

NANCY Who about? Me? Please, I wanna know what lottery numbers to play --

PATSY COOLIDGE You think if they knew, they’d have to rent out the castle? Ha!

ELLIE The spirits don’t work like that.

PATSY COOLIDGE This is fake. Let’s go!

ELLIE It’s about Ray and Vegas.

NANCY He goes there!

PATSY COOLIDGE No shit!

ELLIE A contest with your...father? Am I hearing that right, Ray?

Ray sits straight up and wipes nervous sweat off his brow.

RAY No. Don’t think so.

ELLIE Who can get more hoes? Points?

46 NANCY Oh, yes honey! You talk to Daddy bout that all the time!

RAY Uh, yeah. That’s the gardening business we’re try’in to get in.

THAD (sarcastic) Is that right? I’m getting a message about pancake batter. That’s easy to spread on the griddle, like a Southern...

RAY Okay, stop! Now, your letting out business trademark secrets. We’ve invented a superior pancake batter. You’ve got your proof. My wife doesn’t even know about that!

Mary turns the lights on.

MARY BUCHER Okay! Let’s have mint juleps in the living room!

PATSY COOLIDGE Next time I come, I’ll have an arrest warrant for you, Mary Bucher!

ELLIE (sarcastic) So rude for cultured old money?

Nancy, Thad and Mary laugh, while Ray looks up paranoid about what the spirits divulged.

MARY BUCHER Patsy, calm down, or you may get a heart attack and Ned will marry me!

Patsy runs out in a huff, but Ned lingers to raise a flirty eyebrow to Mary, whimpering like a pup.

NED COOLIDGE Ar-owl-owl-owl.

Patsy comes back and yanks Ned’s arm, forcing him to follow.

PATSY COOLIDGE You are a damn dog! C’mon Ned!

Patsy and Ned leave.

47 MARY BUCHER (sarcastic) Y’all come back anytime!

Nancy, Ellie, Thad and even Ray laugh. Mary laughs, then becomes stern as a killer gleam emanates from gritted teeth.

INT. CASTLE - HIDDEN PASSAGE - LATER

Mary, Thad and Ellie stare at Ray in the guest suite bathroom via the one way mirror. He wears a scarlet kimono and flosses, then pumps breath freshener in his mouth. He looks in the bedroom at...

INT. CASTLE - GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Nancy wears a baby-doll pink nightie and sucks suggestively on a lollipop. She spreads her legs for her husband Ray who’s at the bathroom door.

NANCY (baby talk) Does Daddy want some?

ELLIE (O.S.) Ew! Gross!

MARY BUCHER (O.S.) I think she looks sweet. Men folk like a feminine girl.

ELLIE (O.S.) (sarcastic) If that’s what he’s into, you think I can seduce him?

THAD (O.S.) They don’t want prettier or younger, just some strange.

Ray smiles and approaches his wife.

THAD (O.S.) (CONT’D) Then again, I could be wrong...

RAY I’m going to join Thad in the man cave. Talk business. Smoke cigars.

THAD (O.S.) He shoots, he scores! I knew it. Anyone other than their wifey poo.

48 ELLIE (O.S.) You happy bout that?

NANCY Then why you in a satin kimono?

RAY It’s a smoking jacket. I think the spirits want us to talk, that’s why it came up in the seance. Duh!

NANCY Should I wait up for you, or...?

Nancy grabs a pill container.

RAY Nah, just take your pills.

Nancy SNORES, she’s out cold.

INT. CASTLE - HIDDEN PASSAGE - CONTINUOUS

Mary and Thad look to Ellie, who scratches her head.

ELLIE Let’s get rid of him pronto.

Mary and Thad applaud, laughing with hoots and hollers as they high five.

MARY BUCHER This interesting business is starting to get fun! (re Thad) Git your camera ready!

ELLIE Tell Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close up!

They laugh at Ellie and she joins in.

ELLIE (CONT’D) It was a rare moment when I laughed with my family, even though it was at my own expense. I needed validation from my abusers, not knowing it was literally Stockholm syndrome and they were my captors.

INT. CASTLE - KITCHEN - DAWN

Thad eyes a computer beside him as he eats pancakes with Mary who giggles. They drink screwdrivers in wine glasses that they clink victoriously.

49 Ellie walks in with smeared, Goth, makeup in a black, latex, dominatrix ensemble. She is the only one who hasn’t slept, and looks emotionally distraught. She downs a shot of vodka, which anesthetizes her enough to join in their jubilance.

ELLIE So, the Clarkson’s left?

THAD Like lightning. He came and then left, literally! But, guess you know that.

Drunk Thad laughs sloppily, and Ellie looks hurt. Mary stops giggling. Thad freezes, sensing he’s in trouble with Mom.

MARY BUCHER Thaddeus Bucher! Don’t be so crass. Not before lunch. Ha!

Mary laughs and Thad laughs harder.

ELLIE Ha, ha, ha. Why you so happy? People left early before.

THAD Elle, what you did was masterful! I mean you gotta gift girl!

ELLIE I just dominated him, because I don’t like to put myself at risk. For pregnancy or STDs.

MARY BUCHER Which you know I’m morally opposed to, because sex is just for procreation--

THAD But, we made a lot of money, so Momma has decided. (slurs to Mom) What has you decided, girl?

MARY BUCHER The Lord works in mysterious ways! And the wealth of the wicked shall be stored up for the righteous!

THAD It feels good to be righteous!

50 ELLIE (sotto) I bet it does.

MARY BUCHER I’ll drink to that!

Thad and Mary clink glasses as Ellie is left with hers alone in the air, but they all drink anyway.

THAD So, Ellie. That was quite a night!

ELLIE (shakes head slowly) I’ve no idea...but it wasn’t me.

INT. CASTLE - DUNGEON - THE NIGHT BEFORE

Only François Boucher paintings decorate the black walls.

La Belle Cuisiniére (1735) - A young noble with a ruffled shirt and blue velvet coat grabs a kitchen maid with his pants down.

Ray has his kimono open and his back to us as he jacks off to the servant girl, being taken advantage of in the painting.

RAY Oh, yeah! I get this! Fancy feller takes advantage of Cinderella, slaving all day in the kitchen!

Up a stone staircase, the dungeon door CREAKS open out of view.

RAY (CONT’D) Hey Ellie, Eliie! That you, sexy Cinderella? Your prince is come! Or, I’m bout to. Hee! Hee!

Hercules and Omphale (1735) - Hercules is depicted as a naked, husky, dark, satyr kisses zoftig, pale Omphale, while aggressively grabbing her breast. Ray reacts to this painting by dropping his kimono off and pleasures himself butt naked.

RAY (CONT’D) Oh, wow! Hercules just grabb’in her tittie like he owns her! These François Boucher paintings are turn’in me on, girl! Wish Art History could a been like this!

Steps CLOP, CLOP, CLOP...

RAY (CONT’D) You wear’in heels, honey?

51 La jupe révélée (1742) - A women in a crimson ball gown pulls the back up exposing her bare behind. Ray touches the butt in the painting with one hand, while jacking off with his other and starts moaning.

RAY (CONT’D) Ewee! This looks more real than porn, cause it shows more cellulite. Guess they didn’t have crytal meth to keep their weight down yet. Or, air... (orgasming) ...brush’in. Aaaah --

THAD (O.C.) I got yer back, Ray!

REVEAL Thad standing a few feet behind Ray, unbuttoning his shirt. Ray pulls his kimono up, putting it on tight.

RAY What the...? Are you hittin on me?

THAD No, no. Just relaxin. It’s hot down here. I work on my abs down here. You like ‘em?

Thad flexes his chest for Ray, who is incredibly uncomfortable, avoiding Thad by staring at...

Venus and Mars Surprised by Vulcan (1754) - Venus and Mars make love while her husband Vulcan catches them.

RAY I relate to Venus and Mars getting it on while her hubby, Vulcan catches ‘em. It’s still relevant.

Thad enthusiastically points to Leda and The Swan (1740) - Leda lifts her nightie as a swan peers into her naked crotch.

THAD François Boucher was a genius! How’d he know in the 1700’s that women were gonna wax their coochie! Like he was an ancient alien psychic!

RAY Ahead of his time! God worked through ‘em. Obviously!

THAD He got in wit Louis XIV by showing him these paintings and introducing him to the women. His wife being the first. This is what they had before naked selfies.

52 RAY It was tougher times.

THAD Even for a super sexy King.

Ray puts his hand down on his crotch then stops when Thad locks eyes with him.

THAD (CONT’D) Louis XIV is an ancestor too, mating with a mistress, whose bastard he made legitimate. Then married into all Europe’s royal houses! So it’s not gay fer me to admit he’s quite sexy.

Ellie’s hidden, but listening at the top of the stairs and holds in laughter.

RAY Is this a circle jerk or is your little heifer coming down like you promised? I'm old fashioned. Thought paying extra meant I got your sister alone.

THAD She’s coming if she knows what’s good fer her.

Ellie rolls her eyes, holding back tears, then wipes a stray and puts on a strong stoic facade.

RAY My cock. We gonna tag team? Seeing a sister and brother get it on can be hot. As long as I get to participate. I mean with her face or hind region ---

ELLIE (O.C.) (sarcastic) Aren't you romantic! Thad will leave if he knows what's good for him. Or, I can leave you two alone if you prefer?

Ellie walks down the stone steps in a black, latex cat suit , feathered eye mask and a black gun belt with mysterious black attachments.

RAY Saucey, saucey. Woe, Momma! Mommy’s in the house! Ow! Daddy like.

THAD What is your pleasure, sir? I mean the customer's always right!

RAY Get out Thad!

53 THAD Sho'nuff. See you at breakfast!

Thad scatters out.

Ray points to Le Bassin 01 (1742) - A lady in a green, pink and white ruffled gown, lifts the front putting a long porcelain gravy boat to her naked crotch for urination, but it looks like a modern dildo for self pleasure.

RAY Wealthy ladies always knew how to get themselves off with dildos!

ELLIE That’s more of a hygiene “how to” for ladies at a ball, before indoor plumbing. They used those porcelain gravy boats to urinate in. Rococo porta potties. It’s not a dildo. Except for the lascivious.

RAY (O.C.) Well, I’m a dirty boy! Find me!

Ellie rolls her eyes, scanning for Ray, among the BDSM black furnishings: a cage, a flogging cross and a leather horse.

The center piece is circular black velvet bed with burgundy satin pillows. The sheets rustle. Ellie reacts by pulling out a black whip and CRACKS it.

The sheets fling away to REVEAL Ray’s fat body jacking off proudly, while making overly seductive eye contact with Ellie.

RAY (CONT’D) Come to Papa, little girl! Rarrr!

ELLIE (smiles) Hey Daddy, I’m a little old to be your girl. Wanna be my bitch?

RAY Yeah! You’re so hot!

ELLIE Get on all fours.

RAY Why? I’m on my back already.

ELLIE Are you gonna waste my time?

54 RAY Ew, I likey you’re anger, Mommy.

Ellie grimaces as he flips over and lifts his torso like four toothpicks holding up a huge flesh toned marshmallow.

ELLIE I don’t like the term “bitch” it’s derogatory to women and demeaning to female dogs. I loved my dog grow’in up, she was like a grandma to me. So, I think you deserve to know how it feels.

RAY You a feminatzi?

ELLIE I was a Women’s Studies major, but your term is given to hyperbole. Equal rights has nothing to do with Natzis. But, we met at a Confederate reenactment, so you consider slavery humane.

RAY It was a simpler time. When women were ladies and men---

ELLIE Cheated on their wives, brought home STDs and owned people of color. It wasn’t “the good ole days” for everybody! (cracks whip) You need a lesson!

RAY Oh sugar, punish me!

ELLIE I have a big black strap-on. I’m not into non- consensual sex, so every time you want it...bark.

RAY What could you get out of it?

ELLIE These strap on shorts have a vibrator pocket over my clit. So every time I thrust into you...I receive pleasure.

RAY I’m not a fag, honey pie.

ELLIE It don’t mean you’re gay if it’s with a gal. All men enjoy it. (MORE) 55 ELLIE (CONT'D) The prostate exam is a nurse sticking a finger up your yohoo...and if you cum, the plumbing works. It’s good.

RAY It’s not very macho. Couldn’t imagine Brando do’in it.

ELLIE He begged a girl to do it to him in Last Tango In Paris!

RAY Missed that one.

ELLIE Oh c’mon! Everyone talked bout it. Member he used butter for lube?

RAY I think you’re putt’in me on!

ELLIE No harm, no foul. (packing whip) Guess we’re just not sexual soulmates. I’ll go.

Ellie turns to leave.

RAY Bark.

Ellie turns back around, glaring.

ELLIE I don’t fuck bad actors! You’ve got to be method and sound like a dog.

RAY Ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff!

Ellie smiles, sets her strap on and mounts Ray with a grunt. He screams in ecstacy.

ELLIE Okay now, bark like a werewolf. Preferably in pain.

RAY Can’t we stay with a species?

ELLIE I like to change it up. Real artists improvise. But, if you can’t keep up --

56 Ray howls like a werewolf.

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. CASTLE - KITCHEN - BACK TO PRESENT

Mary and Ellie stare quizzically at Thad, gleefully watching (what we don’t see of) the video on his laptop of Ray HOWLING like a werewolf. He taps the mute button.

THAD My method acting workshop at the Civil War “Appotomox Now” Reenactment, clearly helped Ray, become the --

ELLIE (incredulous) My bitch?

THAD Well, yeah. I’m quite sure of it.

ELLIE I do all the heavy lifting, as sex workers do, and you find a way to take credit for it!

THAD Okay, calm it down, girl! I give you all the credit. It’s your day.

ELLIE Why do I have to be exploited?

THAD (jokes) Well, he didn’t want us.

MARY BUCHER You’re not exploited...we love you!

ELLIE (V.O.) And there it was. What every pimp says to keep his prostitute hooked. It’s love we want. From the family we never got. My validation drug. Didn’t know I was an addict then.

THAD This video made Ray leave early. Told his wife it was haunted...

57 MARY BUCHER Promised us a great Yelp review. Good for business, huh? And $10,000, every six months, or so --

ELLIE What the Hell?!

THAD I really appreciated when you made him your fuck pig. Meaning, laughed till I cried. What was it he said?

ELLIE (rote) “Let’s play Deliverance - the home game.”

THAD “Suweee!” (cracking up laughing) That was rich! You are an artist.

MARY BUCHER A great actress. I’m so proud of my daughter. Finally, to know you’re not a retard.

ELLIE Momma, that’s not a nice word!

MARY BUCHER That’s why I said you’re not one. Fuck political correctness. We’re among family.

ELLIE Well, at least I can’t judge hookers no more.

MARY BUCHER See, you’re a better Christian now!

THAD Our ancestor François Boucher did a naked painting of his wife’s hinder area, so King Louis XIV would - -

ELLIE (sarcastic) -- spend some quality time with her? Then made him court painter. He pimped out his wife in the Odalisque series , which should have been titled “Favorite Butt Shots” of the Rococo. Sacré bleu!

THAD He’s the Larry Flint of their time!

58 ELLIE Like that’s a good thing?

THAD We have royal blood from Marie de Bourbon the Duchess of Orleans, because her Mom became Louis XIV’s most celebrated mistress.

ELLIE And alcoholism, because of her. Our name means butcher. Our ancestors chopped up animals and people.

MARY BUCHER So what? We were doctors! That’s what medieval butchers were. We eat meat today. Someone’s gotta kill ‘em. Big Macs don’t grow on trees.

THAD I’m pretty sure that’s why Ray had to be sure this video is never released. Or, at least without his face being pixelated.

ELLIE (sarcastic) Because of Big Macs?

MARY BUCHER (sotto) He’s an anti-gay evangelist.

ELLIE But, he was pegged by a woman? That’s not gay.

MARY BUCHER He does a reality show about preachers and speaks at PETA about Adam and Eve being vegan, before the Fall with Satan.

THAD PETA may frown on Ray’s impersonations of various animal’s getting sodomized. (sotto) Even though as a method actor I respect him for becoming the critter. Not judging it for wanting sex from Ellie. Like a Meryl Sheep.

MARY BUCHER His church won’t hang in there when both are forbidden in Leviticus.

59 ELLIE What non-intercourse adultery and fake beastiality?

MARY BUCHER Oh, c’mon! He’s lying with a woman the way a man lies with a man.

ELLIE That’s not forbidden. It is not written that way.

MARY BUCHER Well, he’s lying with a woman the way a man would lie with a beast!

ELLIE It’s not written that way, so it’s not forbidden either.

THAD I never lie to any... (searching for PC word) ...prospective sexual liaison.

ELLIE Cause they moo?

MARY BUCHEE At ease! Just Get ready Ellie for a new client to practice your animal farm, dominatrix...stuff on.

ELLIE That’s not what Animal Farm is about.

MARY BUCHER Totalitarianism. Domination. I think it is.

ELLIE I’m not ready for a new client.

MARY BUCHER Member Sy, that British rocker?

ELLIE (V.O.) Oh my God! Sy, my first love and the most gorgeous guy I ever met in the Psyche Ward!

Ellie has a dreamy smile.

THAD Don’t you know him from the looney bin? What if he go all crazy and kill us for the Merican Revolution?

60 Ellie rolls her eyes, turns away from them and smiles.

ELLIE (sotto) Wouldn’t be so bad.

MARY BUCHER ‘Scuse me, girlie?

ELLIE C’mon Thad! Is all I said. Crazy people rarely get help.

THAD Bunch of rich kids, who say,”Mommy, I had a nervous breakdown!” Every time they ditch school.

MARY BUCHER Sounds like perfect customers for our haunted AirBnB. You don’t wanna sleep with him do you...Ellie?

ELLIE No. Not unless you make me. (V.O.) Please make me! Please, Momma!

MARY BUCHER No that’s a good daughter. Willing to do anything for her family.

THAD Isn’t he that cross dress’in, sissy boy, singer? Sy? ‘Cuz he makes girls sigh. Ha! If they only knew.

ELLIE Yeah, he’s that gender bending, provocateur, cutting edge artist.

THAD (derisively) Rock star. I could put makeup on and strum my banjo. All the heifers would come a runn’in. But, I ain’t no fagaloid.

ELLIE (deadpan) I bet you would if cows would really come a runn’in.

61 THAD Oh, I’ll get you!

Thad lifts a hand to hit Ellie and chases her around the kitchen table behind Mary’s back. Ellie pulls a folded ironing board out to block him. Thad runs into it. BONK.

ELLIE (joke whisper calling out) Tiiim...ber.

Thad falls like a tree. Slowly regaining his balance to stand as Mary missed the whole debacle. He doesn’t want his mom to know Ellie won, so he acts like nothing happened.

MARY BUCHER They’ve got money to burn. Elvis liked to buy old ladies, he saw on the street, pink Cadillacs.

THAD With fuzzy dice?

ELLIE Like that’s what wins you over.

MARY BUCHER I think you have to supply your own fuzzy dice.

ELLIE If you had any.

Mary laughs.

THAD (upset) Oh, I got ‘em!

Mary laughs harder and Ellie joins in, then stops and catches her breath.

ELLIE Then why you so afraid of a “sissy boy” Thad?

MARY BUCHER Yeah! Unless, you in love with him.

THAD I ain’t no gay. Don’t like men.

ELLIE You mean humans.

THAD I got lots a girls.

62 MARY BUCHER (laughing) Sure, you do.

ELLIE Buried somewhere?

Mary stops laughing stone cold.

MARY BUCHER You’ve gone too far, Ellie!

ELLIE Then where are all these girls?

THAD None of your beeswax!

ELLIE (sarcastic) You put me in my place. (V.O.) If we were in nursery school.

THAD Dat’s right! I did. Don’t mess with the Thad!

Ellie holds in laughter, nodding, then smiles sweetly.

ELLIE (V.O.) Thad, is such an idiot, he thinks he won.

THAD Maybe, you can make Sy, your fuck pig, Ellie?

Ellie’s eyes widen excitedly as she considers it.

ELLIE (playing dumb) Do you think he’ll take me to prom?

Mary and Thad crack up. Ellie smiles to placate them, then wanders to...

INT. CASTLE - BALL ROOM - LATER

Ellie glides by the most romantic of Francois Boucher’s paintings as she runs her fingers through successive HARP STRINGS: Lovers’ Tryst (1700’s); Angelica & Medoro (1700’s); Cephalus & Aurora (1764); An Autumn Pastoral (1749); The Music Lesson (1749).

63 ELLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D) Boucher, my ancestor. I love these hoaky romantic scenes. Not That I don’t love the human form or shame sexual passion. But, sometimes great, great, multiple great grandfather...less is more.

She hits the most simple of instruments: a triangle. The CHIME is so sweet as she closes her eyes to remember...

INT. BAYOU HOSPITAL - MEETING ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK

A circle of 20 PATIENTS, from their teens to sixty, sit in metal fold out chairs. TONIA SCRIBO, 40’S, zaftig with goth make-up, wearing motorcycle boots, burgundy stockings, and a black leather mini-skirt. Gold coins rattle on gypsy scarves hanging from her belt, as Tonia speaks to the group.

SUPER: “Six Months Earlier”

Ellie, 47, gets poked in the arm from DAWN, 17, a preppie brunette, who treats her like an immature teen, cause Dawn still is one.

DAWN (whispers) Is it Halloween?

ELLIE (giggles) Shush.

DAWN I mean in Spring?

ELLIE (whispers) I’m trying to listen.

Ellie sternly raises her brow, which shuts Dawn up. TERRENCE, 16, wearing a white oxford with a pink ascot, khaki’s and penny loafers, shakes his head at them with shame.

Tonia’s distracted by their interaction.

TONIA Do you girls have a question?

ELLIE No, I’m trying to listen. And appreciate that you you’re not phoney, not doing this for pay.

Ellie leans into focus all her attention on Tonia, who connects with her eyes compassionately.

64 TONIA I heard someone once, who changed my life for the better and it was in a hospital. A volunteer. Another recovering--

DAWN Why do you use the word “addict”?

TONIA Good question! I didn’t like the word addict at first, because that’s the symptom. A suicide compulsive is more accurate. Get rid of the reason, then you won’t have a problem. Whether it’s diagnosed as mental illness or whatever! We can all get better with good therapy. Let go of labels! Let’s Just help each other.

GUY IN HOODIE (British accent) Here, here! Amen, sista!

The GUY’s hoodie falls back to REVEAL SY GODDARD, 35, with dirty blonde shoulder length hair and blue eyes that mesmerize anyone who can make contact with them.

DAWN It’s Sy!

Sy looks in Dawn’s direction, but notices Ellie and locks eyes with her.

Terrence squeals and runs to him, Dawn rushes in tow.

TERRENCE I love you! Sy, you let me know it was okay to be... (searching for a word) Different!

DAWN You mean gay.

Tonia stands in front of Sy to block the incoming fans.

TONIA Back off! This is inappropriate Sy needs a safe place to recover and you all signed non-disclosure agreements.

DAWN So sue me for being in love!

TONIA He’ll leave, like he had to from the last treatment center, unless you respect his rights as a patient and don’t touch him!

65 Tonia waves through a glass window at a SECURITY guard.

TONIA (CONT’D) Security! We need help now!

Sy stands up, he’s 6’4” with the “v” shaped physique of a greek god with colorful tattoos covering his arms. He’s pure love, exuding a melodious British accent that bends others to do his bidding.

SY It’s cool. Just simmer everybody. Right? C’mon, you don’t want to be taken out. Just get back to your seats and chill.

TERRENCE (zombified) I’ll do whatever you want, Sy.

Terrence turns to Dawn and blocks her from Sy as his impromptu watch dog.

DAWN Sy, I have all your albums!

TERRENCE Get back to your seat, now! Leave my Sy alone!

DAWN What do you mean your Sy?

Security guard SHEILA MCDUFF, 30, walks in holding up a cattle prod that CRACKLES and BUZZES.

GUARD MCDUFF Back to your seats people! Now!

Dawn and Terrence sit, while Shiela McDuff flicks the cattle prod off, then politely approaches Tonia and Sy.

TONIA Sy just needs a safe place to get well. We’ll make arrangements to move him elsewhere. I’m his agent and acting power of attorney...

Sy nods, then scans the room and stops at Ellie.

Ellie is taken over by Sy’s intense gaze.

SY (V.O.) Who are you?

66 ELLIE (V.O.) I don’t know. (averting eyes) Oh God, he has this effect on all girls. There’s no way I’m hearing his thoughts. I’m crazy.

DAWN (sotto to Terrence) See what you did?

TERRENCE (sotto to Dawn) What I did? He’s leaving because of you, classless wonder.

Ellie searches for Sy, but he’s gone.

ELLIE (V.O.) Oh fuck! Where are you Sy? Stay! Don’t leave me here with these plebeians. (glaring at his fans) Don’t make me have lunch with mediocrity incarnate!

SY’S VOICE I won’t.

Ellie quizzically straightens her posture.

ELLIE (V.O.) Get ye behind me Satan! I’m not falling for that voice in my head crap. Oh, no. Not anymore!

Sy’s stands behind Ellie, staring at her, then looks across the room at Tonia and waves.

SY (to Tonia) I won’t go. I need to stop running.

Ellie’s startled, and freezes, while he circles in front of her and slightly smiles.

SY (CONT’D) (sotto to Ellie) Right mate?

Ellie smiles, then looks behind her to see if Sy meant someone else: There’s no one. So, she looks at Sy and nods.

Sy looks deep into Ellie’s soul, then switches gears, walking to Tonia and McDuff.

TONIA Are you sure...you feel safe, Sy?

67 SY Yeah, I’m good.

TONIA I can be here for group, but do you want a sober companion?

Sy looks at Ellie momentarily, then back to Tonia and McDuff.

SY Yeah. But not a payroll one. I’d like to check out the local talent and find my own.

TONIA You mean a friend?

SY Yeah. That’s what I need.

TONIA In the mental ward?

SY I’m here. What’re say’in bout people in mental wards?

TONIA Uh, nothing.

MCDUFF We do have a buddy system.

SY (to Tonia) See? It’ll help me to recover.

McDuff turns to the teenagers and announces...

MCDUFF Sy, has decided to stay!

Dawn and Terrence clap.

DAWN (sarcastic) Yay! Prayer works!

TERRENCE Best news ever!

MCDUFF But, males can’t be friends with females---

68 TERRENCE Best news ever!

SY No, that won’t do.

MCDUFF It’s because they act out together sexually. Often. A lot. Too much.

SY I’m gay.

Tonia nods.

TERRENCE I knew it!

SY I mean, I don’t know. I might be.

TONIA Good for you, coming out Sy!

MCDUFF A lot of people come out when they stop drugs. Believe me I know. Are you a friend of Dorothy’s?

SY Who?

TONIA He’s from England, and may not know that movie.

SY Oh, wait! The Wizard Of Oz? I love it! “Were not in Kansas anymore, Toto!” Those ruby slippers changed my life. They’re fabulous!

Terrence raises his hand, which is ignored, then stands.

TERRENCE Ditto! I think I should be his sober buddy.

MCDUFF No can do. Cause of the...you know.

TERRENCE I know. I am really hot.

DAWN Uh? I’m available. Meaning I’m very popular and super busy --

69 TERRENCE (sotto sarcasm) What...taking meds?

Dawn gives Sy a seductive stare.

DAWN But I have an opening... (points to her own crotch) ...just for Sy in my schedule.

Dawn sucks on her index finger and winks at Sy.

TONIA We know, but it’s better when it’s not a fan, who simulates fellatio --

TERRENCE So poorly. When men know what men like cause we got the body part! Am I right, Sy?

TONIA I was saying, who uses sex to get validation. Sorry, Terrence.

DAWN Oh, I hate Sy! Now can I be his constant companion?

ELLIE You mean stalker?

Everyone laughs except Dawn, who squints, fuming at Ellie.

SY I need to laugh more. And I like how she... (looking at Ellie) ...showed respect to the speaker.

MCDUFF That’s Ellie. I don’t know if she’d be comfortable with a male sober buddy --

Ellie stands up waving.

ELLIE Oh yes I am! I’m very gay friendly. May I approach the bench?

70 SY (giggling within) See, she’s very respectful!

TONIA Not stalker-ish at all. Okay, it’s a match made in --

SY The mental ward.

Tonia waves Ellie over.

TONIA You’re hired, little lady!

Ellie walks over to Sy gleefully, and there’s an urge to hug, but she just looks down shyly, smiling at the floor.

ELLIE (V.O.) Why am I shy? He’s gay. Thank God!

Ellie can look Sy in the eye without a care. But, gets lost in his gaze.

ELLIE (V.O.) Sy. Hot. God, please don’t let him be gay! I never asked you for this Jesus, but...

Sy smirks and winks at Ellie.

ELLIE (V.O.) Oh shit!

MCDUFF So, Ellie. You’re his accountability buddy. Encouraging each other to work on your program assignments.

TONIA Your issues. Memories that may have been repressed. Dream interpretations.

ELLIE Oh, yeah. Cause that’s a safe place for them to represent themselves.

TONIA And you’d also be his protector, keeping away the others who want a piece of his celebrity. Calling security. Is that something you’re comfortable with.

ELLIE When can we start? You know. Be’in friends and all?

71 SY How bout lunch... (mock Southern) Or church, darl’in?

ELLIE (exaggerating her accent) You talk funny, boy! (deadpan intellectual) I think I can work that into my itinerary. Between electroshock treatment and underwater yoga.

SY Water boarding?

ELLIE No, we refer to that as therapy in America. Trying to help spies.

SY I getcha. In England we don’t mind punishment as long as it’s done with love.

ELLIE And are willing to pay a pretty penny for it.

Sy cracks up.

TONIA You’re too cute. I’m getting Diabetes. Who do I have to fuck to get some carbs around here!

Everyone laughs momentarily as Tonia leaves with Ellie and Sy. McDuff raises her cattle prod, holding the rest back a minute, before going to lunch, giving Sy some space.

DAWN I thought we were all suppose to be equal in recovery?

TERRENCE But some pigs are more equal than others.

MCDUFF Oh, I love me some Georgie Orwell!

TERRENCE You got that?

MCDUFF Security guards read too. Nobody has more airs then the psyche ward patients. Trust fund babies avoiding real jobs. That’s all.

72 DAWN (whispering to Terrence) Is she psychic?

TERRENCE (sotto to Dawn) Must be. I totally dressed down in Psyche. Not even wearing my Prada.

INT. BAYOU 1ST HOLY GHOST - MAIN CHAPEL - MORNING

A lavender carpet with white pews, decorated in pink flowers, filled with 50% African, 20% Caucasian, 15% Latino, and 15% Asian attendees jam to the choir singing Madonna’s “Like A Prayer”. Some don ornate floral hats to tribal turbans, or eccentric rock and roll garb.

Ellie and Sy dance in the front pew, closest to the band.

1ST HOLY GHOST CONGREGANTS (singing) Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. Oh God, I hear your voice and it feels like home! Just like a prayer, you take me there! Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery. Just like a prayer, Oh God you take me there!

Andre Jones, who we saw as the African American grandpa is the reverend. But today he dresses in regalia looking like Prince from Purple Rain/Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element preaches in high heels and lipstick.

Rev. Jones waves his hands like a conductor finishing a concert and the church goes silent as people close their eyes and put heads down praying in Holy Ghost undecipherable tongues to most.

He approaches the pulpit. His son Randal, daughter in law Serita and grandchildren Corinne and Diandre smile at him from the first row next to Sy and Ellie.

ANDRE JONES Dearly beloved. We’re gathered to let God work through us, helping others as the Holy Ghost ordains. I am inviting my soulmate, bride, or cougar as the kids say these days.

Crowd laughs.

ANDRE JONES (CONT’D) ‘Cuz she’s seven years older, but doesn’t age. Black don’t crack. Right? Yes I said that! She’s Gracie Jones, Christian rock star, and prophetess. Come out God’s earthly channel!

73 The crowd applauds.

Gracie Jones comes out in a silver metallic man’s suit and space helmet. The crowd goes wild. She starts dancing robotically with fluid movements improvised throughout.

Ellie lowers in her seat. Sy whispers to her.

SY What’s wrong Ellie? Gracie Jones is amazing! You’re gonna love her.

ELLIE I’ve been around a Prophetess at my Momma’s church. It didn’t go well.

SY Did she tell you something weird?

ELLIE Just that I’m Satan’s daughter. Hearing voices. Insane.

SY Well, no worries. She probably won’t even say anything to you.

Gracie lifts her hands. The crowd stops cheering and listens.

GRACIE JONES I am feeling the Holy Spirit in the front. (spinning around) Wait! Wait! (stops) Send your loving prayers here!

Gracie Jones is pointing at Ellie.

ELLIE (sotto) Oh God, no.

SY It’ll be okay.

GRACIE JONES Come to the stage Eleanor Bucher Sloan. You have not been paying me respect. Thus saith the Lord!

ELLIE I repent, God! I’ve done sexual things for money.

74 GRACIE Okay Magdalene, Rehab, they’re prostitutes in the royal line of Christ through the virgin Mary. What else you got that Satan’s trying to make you ashamed of?

ELLIE I...uh...blackmailed confederate reenactors with sex tapes, so my family could get money. Oh God!

Sy looks away. Feeling bad for Ellie.

GRACIE I’m getting a message from the Holy Ghost...Was it intercourse?

ELLIE No.

GRACIE Did these men stick themselves in any orifice you got?

ELLIE (smiling) No.

GRACIE Kiss you?

ELLIE No way! Ick! They weren’t my type.

Sy looks at Ellie adoringly.

GRACIE So what did you actually do?

ELLIE I pegged them with a strap on and made them bark, oink and moo.

The crowd gasps. Gracie holds back laughter.

GRACIE And you think that’s a bad thing? You could keep a marriage together with that creativity.

The crowd laughs and so does Ellie.

SY Amen!

75 GRACIE Where did you meet these men?

ELLIE At Confederate reenactments.

GRACIE Then it’s reparations for slavery! They have dirty inherited plantation money. The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous! - Proverbs 13:22. You are doing the Lord’s work.

ELLIE That’s so nice of you to say. But, I’m the daughter of Satan himself! Sorry y’all.

Gracie looks at Ellie intensely.

GRACIE JONES Jesus was called the prince of devils. Who said that? Why?

ELLIE I hear voices.

GRACIE JONES Don’t we all.

The crowd laughs.

ELLIE Uh. Dead people. I see in paintings. Some are my relatives.

GRACIE JONES Jesus talked to the dead who believed in God. Moses and Elijah on the mount of transfiguration.

ELLIE But, King Saul went to the witch of Endor to bring up Samuel who died and committed suicide as a result.

GRACIE JONES Did you seek a witch?

ELLIE No. They just talk to me.

GRACIE JONES Those who believe in me will do what I’ve done and even greater things. John 14:12-14. Word!

76 Gracie snaps and the crowd snaps.

1ST HOLY GHOST CONGREGANTS (chanting) Word! Word! Word!

GRACIE JONES The Holy Spirit wants you to repent of not using your gift by using your gift. When they talk, listen. If it gets weird. Ask God to protect you.

ELLIE Cool.

GRACIE JONES Cool! Very nice. Everybody send Ellie Holy Spirit love!

The whole congregation holds palms up toward Ellie and speaks in Holy Spirit tongues that she can’t understand, but it flows through her body like love. She inhales and opens to the universe. Breathing in and out, repeatedly.

EXT. BAYOU RIVER - NIGHT - DREAM

Two green, eight foot, reptilian aliens on a space ship that hovers on the river with an open area wooden porch look at Ellie, 4.

ALIEN #1, hugs her without touching and puts her in a hammock. ALIEN #2 swings her in it. The aliens don’t have mouths, so communication is telepathic.

8 FT ALIEN #1 (telepathic) I love, love, love you Ellie.

Ellie makes a heart symbol with her hands, then points to Alien #1.

ELLIE AT 4 That means “I love you.”

8 FT ALIEN #2 (telepathic) Hey, who’s swinging the hammock for you? Don’t you love me?

ELLIE AT 4 No.

Ellie giggles.

Alien #2 laughs within an Ellie hears it.

77 ALIEN #3, seven foot, and ALIEN #4, five foot, approach the hammock and look at Ellie, then point guns at her. Ellie screams, but nothing comes out, because she’s lost her mouth.

The two shorter aliens wave for the tall ones to go, but they won’t, so they shoot them. BANG, BANG, BANG.

END OF DREAM.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN NATURE - (PRESENT) - DAY

Ellie wakes up on a red checkered blanket to a David Bowie “Ziggy Stardust” tattoo on an arm. It’s Sy meditating, but now he has a goatee. He senses her staring and opens up one eye. She cracks up.

SY What’s so funny?

ELLIE You are. Is this my dream?

SY Oh, you need bigger dreams, darl’in. (mock German) Tell me vat you dream?

PULL OUT TO REVEAL they’re in the hospital yard, with three other two people groups doing dream interpretations on checkered blankets fifty yards away from each other.

ELLIE It’s the aliens.

SY Again? You went deep and fell asleep. It must mean something. So, the loving ones leave and you’re waiting for the mothership to take you home. It’s also the name of Led Zeppelin’s greatest hits album.

ELLIE Yeah, but back to me --

SY I love that about you. You really don’t worship me like a God. Cosigning everything I say like it’s deep. (joking) Where are my fans when I need them?

ELLIE Well, you’re not God. But, when I squint, you look like Jesus.

78 SY You mean not the actual one, but the King James, depicted in films with a British accent, who looks like a surfer?

ELLIE Yeah, he’s real pretty. But, there’s no way that Jesus coulda made it forty days in the desert without sunscreen.

SY Or, sunglasses and a sombrero at the very least! A Mexican Jesus is more realistic than a Leonardo DiCaprio. Or, me. Let’s face it!

ELLIE Hey, it’s good that I’m not a “yes man” on payroll. Cause you know when I compliment you, it’s true.

SY And when is that going to happen?

ELLIE Begging the compliment!

SY Oh, I’m a bad boy.

ELLIE I’m not going to punish you. Unless you beg for it.

Sy cracks up laughing, and picks miniature daisy weeds out of the grass.

SY Want me to get on all fours? Right here, right now? I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks about me. And what could they do? Put me in the looney bin? I’m here!

ELLIE Wanna be my bitch?

SY Ruff! Ruff, ruff! (laughing) Oh God, I love you!

ELLIE I know, I know, like a gay best friend...who’s really flirty.

79 SY Maybe you could change me?

ELLIE Oh no! You’re born that way.

Sy puts a miniature daisy between each of Ellie’s toes.

SY I’m not gay.

ELLIE You slept with men?

SY I’m just British.

Ellie laughs.

ELLIE Jagger, Bowie, Adam Ant. Your guys do like to put on makeup.

SY Even our judges like to wear wigs!

ELLIE You have a wig party! But you’ve been with men?

SY I experimented. A lot of guys do. Even Hugh Hefner and Richard Pryor said they tried it. But, went back to women.

ELLIE So, you don’t like to be fucked up the ass?

SY No, I do. But, I just prefer to be sodomized by girls. It’s all about the prostate.

ELLIE Yeah, I’ve heard Pamela Anderson on Howard Stern, say she does all her boyfriends in the butt and got two rock stars to marry her. She’s also a Christian. Maybe Jesus is trying to tell me something?

Sy laughs heartily.

ELLIE (CONT’D) So why’d you say you were gay?

80 Sy looks at Ellie and smiles.

SY I never said I was a homosexual, but gay means happy. I was very happy to see you that day.

Ellie giggles slightly. All the daisies have fallen from between her toes. Sy puts each one back in slowly.

ELLIE Yeah, I remember. And you didn’t want Terrance.

SY Yeah, he’s hot, but I’m not into guys. I wanted to get to know you. Can I kiss you, Miss Ellie?

ELLIE No, I think we’d get in trouble.

SY What about on your toe? No one will notice.

ELLIE This better not be a fetish thing.

SY What about experimenting? What if it’s the greatest foreplay ever? Shouldn’t we try everything before we die?

ELLIE (sotto) Okay.

Sy embraces her big toe, like it’s her, pantomiming like he’s brushing her hair back and speaks to it.

SY You are the most beautiful toe...I’ve ever scene. Make love to me!

Sy kisses Ellie’s toe, making out with it. He doesn’t stop and she giggling.

Ellie catches her breath, then turns to see orthopedic red shoes, shins with stubble and a familiar red floral muumuu. Her dream day is now over. It’s Mary, her mother, looking down on her with disgust.

MARY BUCHER What the Hell is this? The Love Boat looney bin?

ELLIE Hi Momma.

81 SY We were doing our dream interpretation assignment.

MARY BUCHER Looked like you were interpreting footsies. Does She talk through her toes? Maybe y’all should go on the road with this new miracle act! Toe talker. That’s how the Lord speaks to us in the latter days. Ellie!

ELLIE Momma, this is Sy.

SY How do you do?

MARY BUCHER I don’t give two hoots and a sucker!

Sy shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head.

SY What does that even mean?

ELLIE (sotto to Sy) I have no idea.

MARY BUCHER I did not raise Ellie to slut around looney bins for free. So, don’t think you’re going to suck her toes like a demon with a footsie fetish, Mr. SyFy freaky! You dress weird! I’m on to you!

ELLIE Momma, he’s really gay. Momma?

Mary squints at Sy, who widens his eyes, nods and slightly smiles.

INT. BAYOU HOSPITAL - PSYCHE WARD - CAFETERIA - LATER

Ellie gets coffee with Sy, while her mother Mary sits at a table twenty feet away, rummaging through her purse.

SY (jokes to Ellie) You couldn’t say I was a “little” gay but “really” gay?

Ellie holds two drinks, while Sy holds one and they walk toward Mary.

82 ELLIE (sotto to Sy) You said you’re really happy.

Ellie puts two drinks on Mary’s table and Sy puts his down and they both sit. There’s an awkward silence as Mary looks Sy over spots his Jesus leg tatoo.

SY I offered to carry your drink, but Ellie insisted.

MARY BUCHER That’s okay, you’re gay, so probably use to being the gal. Why you got a tatoo of Bowie and Jesus? Attracted to them fellas?

SY I guess...you could...say that.

MARY BUCHER Oh, well then. So, you were doing her nails? Well, that makes sense. You can do mine next. I brought my own polish. You can do me in the bathroom, I reckon.

SY (holding in laughter) I’d love to. But, I’m getting my electro-shock therapy, so I can’t. Raincheck?

MARY BUCHER That EST makes you forget things, don’t it?

SY It may make me forget how to do nails. I apologize ahead of time.

MARY BUCHER Ellie you need that. She’s treating this like a Club Med!

SY But, she’s just starting to remember her dreams and repressed memories?

MARY BUCHER Oh, not the alien story again!

ELLIE Yeah, it’s been coming up a lot.

83 MARY BUCHER Newsflash! Ellie, everyone wants to be taken home by the mothership to a perfect place they call “home” it’s called Christianity. Jesus comes back in the clouds to pick us up in Revelation. Duh!

SY So, maybe Ellie’s a prophet?

MARY BUCHER No, but she sure as Hell hears voices! You’re stuck with the family you got. Can’t choose it. Sorry, you hate me so much. After all I done for you! It took fifteen hours of labor to get you --

ELLIE Thought it was thirteen. Unless there’s interest?

MARY BUCHER Don’t you smart mouth me. Emergency therapy session now! Sy, this is family business, so I need to ask you to skeet daddle. I’ll let you do my hair later. Kay?

SY Kay? Kay.

Sy looks at Ellie, who nods, then salutes Mary and leaves.

MARY BUCHER Kay, kay, kay. We should got to Klan conventions to get more renters for our haunted AirBnB.

Mary picks up her purse and leaves. Ellie genuflects and looks to Heaven with prayer hands for help.

INT. PSYCH WARD - HALLWAY - LATER

Mary and Ellie walk and talk.

ELLIE I think that’s a good idea. I’ve been seeing this therapist, who’s helped a lot. She’s our dream interpretation --

MARY BUCHER No more dreams! You need to get back to reality and come home to work, like we talked about.

ELLIE I’m not going to prostitute myself for you.

84 MARY BUCHER (whispers) You’re ruined, because of what you did with your college beaux, before he pinned you. You were fast.

ELLIE He raped me.

MARY BUCHER OK! Well, let’s not let him win. No good man wants damaged goods. But, you can still be a money maker for your family who loves you.

ELLIE Can we talk to the therapist about this?

MARY BUCHER Now you’re on the right track. I set you up with a Dr. Frankle. He’s an expert on victims of sexual abuse. He has two offices here.

ELLIE He? I think I’d feel more comfortable talking to a woman.

MARY BUCHER Now that’s sexist. Don’t let one man make you angry at all men.

ELLIE Okay, that’s a good point.

MARY BUCHER This is his intake office, where he meets with parents and victims.

Mary opens the door to his lobby and cranks her neck at Ellie to step in.

ELLIE (V.O.) I felt wrangled like a cow to slaughter. I was more psychic than I knew. Just didn’t trust myself enough yet.

INT. DR. FRANKLE’S INTAKE - WAITING ROOM - MINUTES LATER

Coffee and donuts are on a table nearby. Mary and Ellie sit on one of two beige couches.

Parents and their son, 20, stand in front of the other as Dr. Frankle shakes their hands and ushers them with a...

85 DR. FRANKLE Gee Whiz. Sorry, I don’t have time for any new clients. Hope you can forgive your priest. Ta-ta!

As the door closes behind the distraught family. Mary waves to Dr. Frankle, who comes over and stands with his crotch at the side of Ellie’s head. He rocks slightly forward and backward. Ellie moves away from him an inch and glares at her mother, hoping she’ll notice his inappropriate body language.

MARY BUCHER (turned up Southern charm) Look who’s here! Why it’s the good doctor Frankle. (giggles) You handsome devil!

Dr. Frankle swipes a few hairs over his bald spot and offers his hand to Ellie, who looks with worry at her mother. Mary burns Ellie with offended wide eyes and an open mouth.

ELLIE (V.O.) God dammit. She looks like an inflatable doll!

MARY BUCHER Why Ellie, you mustn’t be rude. (to Frankle) The mentally ill are rude, right? There’s like a chemical imbalance that makes them real nasty.

DR. FRANKLE Nasty girls are misunderstood. They act out for different reasons. Let’s not hump to conclusions. I meant jump. Unless you’re free after midnight?

Mary forces laughter and the doctor follows suit. They stare at Ellie who’s not laughing, then smiles slightly to appease her mom.

MARY BUCHER I might be available.

Mary winks and laughs, then Dr. Frankle becomes serious.

DR. FRANKLE I work the graveyard shift, so I’m not available. I’m passionate about the victimization of women and show them how a real gentleman should treat them and even touch them.

ELLIE Touch them?

DR. FRANKLE Not like those pussy hounds. Sorry to be so vulgar, but how else can one describe non-consensual rape?

86 ELLIE (V.O.) (sarcastic) As opposed to consensual rape?

DR. FRANKLE It’s a matter of training her to be ladylike.

ELLIE (V.O.) Like a dog? What the fuck!

MARY BUCHER I tried, but maybe I did too good of a job. She wasn’t allowed to socialize with boys, then had all that freedom at Sodom at Gomorrah.

DR. FRANKLE Is that a club?

MARY BUCHER College. NYU. That’s in... (whispers shamefully) New York City.

DR. FRANKLE Oh. (loud & insultingly slow) Now I’ll to teach you how to get along in polite society again, Ellie! Nod if you understand.

ELLIE (V.O.) (sarcastic) Because I can’t wag my tail? I’ll go along with this game, so I can stay and see Sy.

Ellie nods.

Dr. Frankle opens his hand to Ellie.

DR. FRANKLE (authoritarian) Now Ellie, take it!

Ellie puts her hand over Dr. Frankle’s, then he grabs her finger tips as pulls them away, shaking them loosely.

MARY BUCHER Awe! In’t that sweet. I can see the healing already begin. She’ll be back home in no time.

87 ELLIE (V.O.) I don’t wanna go back. Maybe he’s just lame with women and not a total creep. He can’t be worse than Mom is. Unless she’s Scylla and he’s Charybdis.

DR. FRANKLE See Ellie, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

ELLIE Nah, twern’t so bad at all, I reckon. (V.O.) I went into Southern dumb. Never let your enemy know how smart you really are. I just wanna see Sy again before I die!

EXT. HOSPITAL AQUATICS THERAPY POOL - NIGHT

Tonia supervises ten recovery buddies in pairs of two, who lie on chaise lounges pondering the stars among lit candles. Sy and Ellie are not there, but lie in an inflatable life- boat on the heated pool.

TONIA (announcing) Some asked if they can use the boat like Ellie. Well, she has a recurring dream of floating on water and sense memory can help. So, no. And don’t pretend you have a dream on the Titanic next week!

BOAT

Sy and Ellie chuckle softly for a moment, then return to serious analysis.

ELLIE There has to be a layer I’m not getting? Ask me those interpretation questions.

SY Um, where were you?

ELLIE Spaceship.

SY Was the spaceship in space?

ELLIE No, on Earth. Floating. Oh wow! It was on the bayou, where I live.

SY Nice. That’s a new memory. No Longer repressed.

88 Sy’s hand is open palm and Ellie puts hers in it and they hold hands. They both flinch in a good way as a chemistry like an electric current goes through their bodies.

ELLIE I think we should no longer repress anything.

SY Finally! But, if we kiss they might accuse me of not being really gay.

Ellie laughs.

ELLIE And separate us. This is the first time I held hands.

SY Wow! Welcome to your new life! This is hot. I mean not being allowed to do anything, but being so close. It’s like being tied up.

ELLIE Okay, that was good to a point, then you lost me. You’re way more sophisticated sexually than I am. Which isn’t saying much.

SY Oh, c’mon. You’ve held hands.

ELLIE Not with someone who didn’t completely traumatize me yet.

SY Well, then. I feel special. But, can we hold hands and still interpret you dream, or is the oxytocin obfuscating all reason?

ELLIE Eton boy! Um. Let’s try.

Ellie looks up at the stars and contemplates her dream. Her jaw drops. She lets go of Sy’s hand and shakes her own.

SY What’s wrong? It don’t work, does it?

ELLIE I saw...my Mom. And Thad as a kid.

SY They are the aliens? Who were the ones who hurt you with the guns?

89 ELLIE I must be crazy. I see my brother and mother with guns? But the other aliens loved me like...a parents.

SY That’s the mothership.

ELLIE The mother lode. But, I’m a Bucher.

SY Have you seen your birth certificate?

ELLIE Yes. It says Eleanor Bucher Sloan. Sloan was my father’s last name. He’s dead. They’ve been telling me this for years.

SY Who said your parents were killed by Mary and Thad?

ELLIE The ones from the paintings in the castle where I live. And various ghosts. That doesn’t sound real in any world. I’m in a mental ward for Christ’s sake!

SY No, we should stop all drugs, alcohol and anything that takes us away from being energy conductors. Channels. Don’t fight the spirits. Listen to them. I get great new ideas for songs when I’m sober.

ELLIE I get to indict my family! That’s not a good thing. I can’t get proof from Spirits? My voices don’t help me make a living like yours do. Sorry, rock star. Can’t quite relate.

Ellie raises her hand waving to Tonia.

ELLIE (CONT’D) Check please! We need a tow to the side now. Throw me a rope, somebody! I may need to hang myself.

Tonia gasps.

TONIA Oh, it’s a 101! Suicide alert!

90 ELLIE No one gets sarcasm in the psyche ward?! I was kidding! I want to live. Don’t know why? Guess I just love myself. Underneath all the self-hate. That’s why I’m still here! Am I right people?

Ellie gets out of the boat and abandons Sy.

SY Sorry?

Sy has tears in his eyes and looks devastated.

INT. BAYOU PSYCHE WARD - SHOCK TREATMENT PREP - DAYS LATER

Ellie stops nurse Casket.

ELLIE Where’s Sy? I need to see him before I go home. To make amends. Work my spiritual program.

NURSE CASKET It’s too late. He’s been in electroshock therapy too long. (eyes widen sarcastically) Fried brains is what he ordered and got. ‘Cuz the rock star customer’s always right. (slaps Ellie’s shoulder) Am I right, darl’in?

Ellie pushes her away with rage.

ELLIE Hell no!

Ellie rushes the surgical suite doors. Nurse Casket grabs her, but Ellie struggles free and enters.

NURSE CASKET Security! We got a live one!

INT. SHOCK TREATMENT - SURGICAL SUITE - CONTINUOUS

Ellie busts in like a sheriff in the OK Corral, looking to protect the good. Sy is tied down in a horizontal crucified position as TWO TECHNICIANS electrocute him with BUZZING shocks through wires to his skull and guffaw after each like they’re ejaculating.

ELLIE Sy! I’m so sorry. Get off of him!

91 Ellie grabs the equipment and tries to pull it off of Sy, but she screams as security guard Shiela McDuff SHOCKS her with a cattle prod to the spine.

MCDUFF A woman’s work is never done. I thought she was one of the sane ones. Never can tell. Nope.

McDuff and Casket drag Ellie’s body away through the swinging double doors.

Sy wincing in pain, muffles screams.

TECHNICIAN #1 Oh, he wants more power! Dial it up, quick!

TECHNICIAN #2 If we go any higher, it could be permanent memory loss.

TECHNICIAN #1 That’s what he wanted. To get over some bitch. Bros before hoes!

TECHNICIAN #2 Amen to that!

Tech #1 hi fives Tech #2 as they simultaneously slap hands, bond and smile lovingly. Sy moans with less energy. Tech #1 rips Sy’s paper surgical robe open, exposing his chest.

TECHNICIAN #1 The poor guy’s still in pain.

TECHNICIAN #2 I’m on it.

Tech #2 grabs loose wires that are attached to the machine.

TECHNICIAN #1 Clamp those additional wires to his nipples. I’ll grab the defibrillators.

Sy rocks his head back and forth in a “No” groaning. Tech #2 notices, but interprets it as...

TECHNICIAN #2 Good thing that ball cock’s in his mouth or he’d bitten his tongue right off!

TECHNICIAN #1 (pervy giggling) I don’t think “ball cock” is the PC medical term for it!

Tech #1 pounces on Sy’s chest with paddles that SLAP, BUZZ. Sy flinches...

92 SY Aaah!!!

Technician #2 dials up the electricity. BUZZ. Sy screams. BUZZ. Sy yelps. BUZZ. Sy’s silent.

TECHNICIAN #2 God call, doc! He’s at peace.

TECHNICIAN #1 I’m not a doctor. There’s suppose to be one here. You’re the doc?

TECHNICIAN #2 Uh, no. Were we suppose to use anesthesia? You one of them thesiologists?

TECHNICIAN #1 Nah. Too much school. I’m a techy.

Sy’s cries in pain.

TECHNICIAN #1 (CONT’D) It’s clear, he needs more.

TECHNICIAN #2 Roger that. I’ll dial it up, cap’in.

TECHNICIAN #1 Can I this time? Just to mix it up?

Sy moans, waving to stop. Tech #2 pounces with the paddles: SLAP-BUZZ.

TECHNICIAN #2 Too late. I got there first!

Technician #1 laughs, while #2 dials up the electricity, Sy’s eyes roll back as he becomes motionless.

TECHNICIAN #1 He look dead to you?

TECHNICIAN #2 Better get a second opinion. Or, third. I can’t read a pulse...so good...yet. In my first week.

TECHNICIAN #1 I killed someone my first week, it’s not your fault. There shoulda been a doctor here.

Technician #2 nods.

93 Dr. Frankle enters with a smile.

DR. FRANKLE Did somebody call for a doctor?

Technician #1 and #2’s jaws drop.

INT. CASTLE - KITCHEN - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT)

Ellie gazes off the breakfast nook, with awe, at Head Of A Woman From Behind (1740), chalk on paper by François Boucher. Mary and Thad look critical of it.

ELLIE I always liked that drawing of a woman from behind, because it didn’t expose a woman’s derriere. She’s not noble, but working class, possibly his wife.

THAD That’s why it’s in chalk. Oils are expensive and no King is gonna pay for the back of a gal’s head, less she’s giving him some.

ELLIE That could be our great, great, many times grandmother!

THAD So? He pimped her butt out first. Literally. Why you so uptight?

MARY BUCHER I guess, I’m gonna have to go back to prostitution. Cause Ellie’s not able to seduce our next guest, Sy.

ELLIE What?

MARY BUCHER He’s gayer than the day is long. Even if he’s bi like the magzines pretend to keep girls buy’in records.

THAD He just wants to stay at the most haunted AirBnB to inspire his next album, called “Seance” supposedly.

MARY BUCHER He hasn’t tried to reach you. Or, even ask for ya, during the phone RSVP. Sorry, Ellie. We still gonna have to get rid of him in 3 days. Maybe it’s time for the midnight gator ride?

94 THAD Oh, that’s perfect! He’s a recovering addict, just like the lady was an alcoholic.

ELLIE The one that drove the boat drunk and fell overboard? How you gonna make that happen?

MARY BUCHER We don’t they do it on their own. By relapsing on alcohol. Then all Hell breaks loose. We gotta raise our quotta by Summer’s end, or we forfeit this castle to the government.

ELLIE Liens because Thad forgot to pay taxes while I was in the hospital, so Sy has to die? There’s got to be another way!

THAD A sex tape with you would only help him look straighter to his fans. Even your animal sounds stuff would help his street cred.

ELLIE What if I could marry him?

THAD He’s not into you and once you go gay, most like to stay.

MARY BUCHER Unless, I can de-gay him? Nah, he’ll choose young hot thangs. Or, a mature hot seventy year old like me. I better get out my cheer leading uniform. The big guns.

THAD Or, he’s gator meat. There’s no such thing as bad publicity when it comes to death at a haunted Southern AirBnB. Specially a celebrity one. We could write books bout how close we were.

MARY BUCHER I bess practice my twerk’in. You ain’t much of a writer Thad. Not just to seduce Sy, but Ned. If Patsy dies, he’ll marry me and pay the taxes on Tara.

ELLIE Momma, you’re losin it. You ain’t Scarlet. This ain’t Tara, but the Bucher Castle. Why would Patsy die?

95 THAD She’s a lezzy.

Mary looks intensely into space.

MARY BUCHER She calls me every night --

ELLIE Does not!

THAD Does to.

MARY BUCHER Drunk and wants to go on a haunted gator ride. I say, “No Patsy. No. Don’t take the motorboat.” But, she pays me no mind, because she just wants to eat my pussy. “Motorboat” is lesbian code for going South.

THAD Is it gonna be the Coolidge castle?

MARY BUCHER Hell no. I’m gonna seduce him with my cheer leading prowess, then he’ll be gator meat too. Unless, you can de-gay Sy. Like that’s gonna ever happen!

Mary and Thad leave. Ellie looks to the drwaing of the WOMAN’S HEAD from behind, then looks down crying.

ELLIE Where’s Sy? Why hasn’t he shown up? Is he dead?

The WOMAN’S HEAD twists to face Ellie, but she doesn’t see.

WOMAN’S HEAD He will die if you don’t get him out in time. Check the front.

ELLIE Momma, is that you? What’s the amount of time...three days?

Ellie looks at the drawing, which views the woman’s head from the back as usual. Then quizzically looks around the room.

96 ELLIE (CONT’D) I’m going to check the front yard. (calling out calmly) Okay, Momma. I’ll try to get him out in three days like a visitor.

Ellie exits.

EXT. CASTLE - FRONT YARD - DAY

SY in khakis and a white polo shirt, appears odd for the notoriously gender fluid rock star. This neutered conformist terrifies Ellie like a pod person taken over by aliens.

INT. CASTLE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ellie peers through the window at Sy with trepidation.

ELLIE (V.O.) Who are you? A lobotomized Elvis, who left your bling with your cerebrum? You forgot how to shake your hips, for fucking a golf membership? Where’s the Sy I fell in love with?

His piercing blue eyes stare right through her as she drops the curtain to hide and hyperventilate while leaning against the wall for support.

INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ellie fixes her hair and touches up her lipstick, then applies blush. She wears a white sun dress.

ELLIE You know Sy, I’m wearing white. What’s that? You wanna marry me in this old thing? I’m so over you. (shakes head) Well we could go to the courthouse and get married if you insist.

Ellie puts her hand out. Then BOOM, BOOM, BOOM as the lion head knocks against the front doors.

INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL - MOMENTS LATER

Ellie glances through the side window and sees A WOMAN, 24, very beautiful, holding Sy’s arm.

ELLIE Oh fuck. I’m gonna be sick.

97 SY (O.S.) (mock Southern accent) Howdy! Is anybody there?

ELLIE God, do for me what I can’t do for myself. Kill me!

The door opens and Sy stands with the young woman and keeps using the Southern accent which is odd for Sy who’s British.

SY Oh, thank God you’re here. Is this the most haunted AirBnB, darl’in?

ELLIE Yes it is Sy. We are glad to have you and your...friend? You reservation was just for one.

SY Oh, she’s no friend.

ELLIE What is she your niece?

SY Nope. She is not. But, can she stay for a while?

ELLIE It’ll cost you.

SY She’s worth every penny.

ELLIE Is she? What do you do, darl’in?

Ellie gestures for them to come in and they follow her lead. Then she slams the door shut.

INT. CASTLE - GUEST BEDROOM - LATER

Ellie stares at Sy and the young woman.

SY This is Eva.

EVA Is it appropriate to tell her what I do for you?

ELLIE Are you his dick pic photographer?

Eva and Sy laugh.

98 SY Oh, that’s a good idea. Like I can’t do selfies. Eva’s my caregiver. What’s your name funny lady?

ELLIE I’m Ellie. You don’t recognize me?

SY No, where did we meet?

ELLIE Bayou Hospital mental ward.

SY Which time?

EVA (sotto to Ellie) His memory isn’t so good since the electro shock therapy. Had to relearn everything. Even speech that’s why he has a Southern accent now.

ELLIE Oh, I thought he was joking, Sy was so funny! (tearing up) I really miss him.

EVA He’s real fragile.

ELLIE I’m sincerely sorry. Can I get you anything before dinner. Tea, lemonade, whiskey sour?

SY That sounds good. Whiskey.

EVA He forgets that he doesn’t drink. Or, should I say is an alcoholic who shouldn’t.

SY (Southern preacher mode) God can do anything. So I believe I’m cured and Jesus changed water into wine, so who am I not to drink his blood?

ELLIE That don’t make sense. (sotto to Eva) Is he Mormon? His close are so Republican casual Friday. Or, like a candidate’s meet and greet where he eats ribs to prove he’s not a vegan snob.

99 Eva nods with compassion.

EVA (whispers to Ellie) He’s born again. Like really born again. If you know what I mean.

SY I can hear you, Eva. You’re evil. Be gone Satan. You can go now.

EVA Did you just fire me?

SY Yes. You’re no longer necessary.

Eva tears up.

EVA Okay. Sy. It’s been what it’s been. I was a big fan until a minute ago. And I’m not Satan!

SY That’s just what he would say!

Eva goes for the door, but Ellie blocks her with open arms.

ELLIE Wait! Eva, can I get your info... (whispers) ...in case I need help with him?

EVA Oh fuck off!

Eva leaves.

SY Ellie is it?

ELLIE Yes, it’s a nickname for Eleanor.

SY I had someone very dear to me with that name.

ELLIE (hopeful) You did?

100 SY Yeah, she was the greatest dog I ever had. Wonderful little bitch.

ELLIE That doesn’t flatter me in the slightest.

SY Oh. Don’t like being called little?

ELLIE Sy, are you fucking with me?

SY Maybe a bit.

Ellie laughs and pushes his shoulder back. Then they hug.

ELLIE Why?

SY You broke my bloody heart. And I did get electro shock treatment after you dumped me.

ELLIE But, it didn’t get me out of your mind?

SY Narcissist. But, on a good note, I believe you just inspired a song!

ELLIE Just one?

SY Another one.

Ellie pulls away.

ELLIE We can’t.

SY What? Kiss. I waited twenty three years! C’mon, darl’in! No, I understand. I’ll go as slow or fast as you need.

ELLIE The walls have eyes.

SY It’s really haunted, ey?

101 ELLIE (whispers) Definitely haunted, but there are human eyes as well. I know where we can talk and not get recorded. Or do things and not get filmed.

SY Oh wow. Doing things and not getting filmed never sounded so hot! You make the mundane sexy. Still!

Ellie smiles.

ELLIE (sotto) Meet me in behind the barn, under the sycamore tree.

EXT. CASTLE - STABLES/BARN - LATER

Ellie and Sy lie down holding hands under the sycamore tree, behind the barn as a red pickup truck drives into the garage.

ELLIE Oh, they ruin all my fun! I don’t want them to know your here yet. I need more time alone with you.

SY I’m down for that!

ELLIE Let’s go into the barn cellar.

INT. BARN CELLAR - MINUTES LATER

Ellie and Sy fumble around in the dark.

ELLIE That’s why I never come down to this place. Thad said there’s no light and rats. Hoped he was lying.

Sy turns his cell phone on for a light.

There are old newspaper clippings on the wall.

SY Looks like these are about hauntings at your castle?

ELLIE It’s bout the family the spirits drove crazy, so they threw themselves to the gators. Why would Thad keep these...like trophies?

102 SY This one’s about a couple. The lady was an alcoholic, who stole the castle boat, then fell overboard with her husband and little girl.

ELLIE (reading) The Sloans of New York have no next of kin that came to identify the bodies. But, the alligators left no evidence to be examined.

SY Sloan? Why does that sound familiar?

ELLIE (V.O.) That’s my last name. I’m the toddler. This is Thad’s trophy room. They killed my parents.

BANG. THUD. The cellar door opens, illuminating Thad’s oppressive shadow.

THAD What the Hell you doing down there!

ELLIE I fell. Our guest tried to help, but he fell in. There’s no light. So we didn’t see anything! I mean, I can’t see nothing! Right, Sy?

SY Yeah, I can’t see nothing.

ELLIE (V.O.) It’s a double negative, so we’re not lying. We saw too much for me to register right away. I was in shock. But, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to see...

INT. MARY’S BEDROOM - LATER

Ellie enters to Mary with red sequined booty shorts, matching halter top and boots with a white satin cowboy hat. She has a pearl handle gun in each hand that she twirls in and out of to her holster repeatedly.

Mary stops to view her posterior in the full length mirror and alternately flexes her very saggy butt cheeks.

MARY BUCHER (singing) I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle! Jingle-jangle- jingle! Jingle-jangle-jingle!

103 Mary spots Ellie’s reflection as her guns both aim at her in the mirror. Mary freezes momentarily, then COCKS the guns and SHOOTS, SHATTERING Ellie’s reflected face then the mirror. Ellie SCREAMS.

ELLIE What the Hell, Momma! You done lost your mind.

MARY BUCHER Sorry, Ellie-May. You scared me, while I was practicing my twerkking. For Ned.

ELLIE Is this dementia? I can get you help --

THAD (O.C.) You ain’t put’in my sweet loving, baby Jesus, Momma away!

REVEAL Thad at the door, strutting in.

MARY BUCHER Ha! Crazy, wants to put me away! I done seen it all!

Thad protectively puts an arm around Mary’s shoulder.

THAD Did Ellie shoot you, then put these guns in your paws?

MARY BUCHER I don’t know? I don’t wanna say.

ELLIE This is bullshit!

THAD Did she make you put on this here outfit? Like at gunpoint?

MARY BUCHER No, it’s my cheer leading special!

THAD Good. Cause you look hot!

MARY BUCHER I was just minding my own business, practicing my twerkking to seduce Ned, so we can keep our castle! (breaks down in tears) That’s all! Then she scared me!

THAD Oh, you tried to kill Momma, with an early heart attack? Is that it?

104 ELLIE (sarcastic) If she had a heart.

MARY BUCHER Oh, very funny! I’m just doin what Boucher women had to, since Francois used his wife’s butt to seduce King Louis XIV --

ELLIE Yeah, yeah. I know the story. I’ll de-gay Sy. And seduce him.

MARY BUCHER Good, cause I don’t want Ned to touch me! I’d rather feed him to the gators! But you can’t de-gay him without my... (holding up arms to God) Christ de-gayification anointing!

Ellie bites her lip, nodding.

ELLIE (deadpan) Sure thing, Mom.

INT. CASTLE DINNING ROOM - HOURS LATER

Sy, Ellie, Thad and sit around a table in the dark with a glowing crystal ball under Mary’s bony hands. This is the Bucher weekly séance.

MARY BUCHER (moans) Spirits hear my plea! Tell us why you brought gay Sy into our castle after all these years?

ELLIE Momma! What does someone’s sexual preference have to do with dead spirits?

MARY BUCHER God wants us to de-gay him.

THAD Exorcize the homosexual demons.

SY (messing with them) I’m up for it! I wanna learn how to stick it in a woman and enjoy it.

Ellie kicks Sy under the table and bites her lip to suppress laughter.

105 THAD I think that’s a noble thing.

Thad hits a switch under the table, illuminating the François Boucher painting of Diana & Callisto (1744) twisted naked, like lesbian lovers.

SY (mock cowboy) Woe Nellie! That ain’t just a nip slip. Goddesses gone wild!

Thad smiles like a Cheshire cat.

ELLIE Little Rococo lesbodian action.

THAD That float your boat, Sy Fy?

Mary shakes her head disapprovingly.

MARY BUCHER They’re not dykes! I would not have an abomination on my Christian wall. Callisto is being seduced by Zeus, who’s Diana in disguise.

SY (mock naive) So Zeus has gender identity issues?

MARY BUCHER Ellie, cast the liberal demon out of Sy. Now? Before it kills him!

ELLIE Who died and made me exorcist?

MARY BUCHER Well, Jesus. The Lord talks to me and you are chosen to use your charms, so to speak, to help Sy lose his virginity.

THAD I’m gettin that they should have a slumber party.

ELLIE I don’t hear anything!

SY Are you sure?

106 ELLIE (squints at Sy) I hear voices others do and the ones they don’t. I need a confirmation if this is so, give us a sign, spirits of the castle!

The François Boucher painting of Madame de Pompadour, 50’s, red gown, platinum wig, glows from within as MADAME POMPADOUR growls and moves out of the canvass, throwing a book, which SLAPS the dining room table.

The audience gasps.

Mary leans close to Thad with crazed eyes and a proud smile.

MARY BUCHER (sotto to Thad) You’re special effects are get’in good. Like Elvis and MJ holograms.

Thad raises his eyebrows, scanning the ceiling, clueless.

A BLUES HARMONICA riff is followed by an AFRICAN DRUM BEAT.

Pompadour jumps on the table, then stomps adamantly as the drum stops and points at Ellie.

MADAME POMPADOUR Mate with him, he has the royal blood!

ELLIE Who? Sy, are you royal?

THAD She means me, dumb ass.

ELLIE You’re my brother Thad.

MARY BUCHER Royals marry relatives to keep the blood pure!

THUNDER RUMBLES as LOUIS XIV’s eyes glow red from another painting. Louis urgently waves his ruffled arm, then points his gold fan at Thad.

LOUIS XIV Thad’s only half. (staring Mary down) Tell Ellie, Mary!

MARY BUCHER Thad, this ain’t no hologram is it?

107 Thad looks down with shame and shakes his head.

THAD Nope it ain’t, Momma.

ELLIE My birth certificate says Sloan. You had a second marriage, Momma?

THAD (snickers perversely) Not exactly.

MARY BUCHER Aw! Turn on the lights. These spirits need to shush up!

Thad turns on the lights and Louis is back frozen in the painting, looking down with a raised eyebrow. Madame Pompadour is smirking over her book at us, motionless.

ELLIE Why you silencing the spirits?

MARY BUCHER They’ve turned! Like Demon cockroaches...running from the light. Be Gone! Satan. Satan? (faux crying) Ellie, you were a rape side effect. That’s why you’re such an evil seed. Not as holy as my Thad.

ELLIE Was it the Sloan family, who visited here?

Mary freezes in shock, revealing no tears.

MARY BUCHER (cold calm) Who told you? Which painting devil?

Thad pulls out his riffle and aims at each painting.

THAD Behave or it’s lights out picture zombies! I got silver bullets!

SY That only works with vampires Thad.

ELLIE (patronizing) Which ain’t real. Bye the way.

108 THAD Oh, really? But, dead people jumping out of paintings makes perfect sense?

MARY BUCHER Jesus pretended to be a regular guy, then broke bread with the apostles and vanished. So, yes.

ELLIE (sarcastic) So, he was a shape shifter?

THAD (hopeful) Like an alien?

MARY BUCHER Sure! Can’t see why not. That’s why we should be kind to strangers.

Thad looks down disappointed, putting his head in his hands.

MARY BUCHER (CONT’D) Except Yankees. Liberals, or scientists. Northerners, those to the South, or on either side of us.

Thad looks up and smiles at Mary.

THAD I love your Bible studies, Momma!

Sy raises his hand sarcastically and Mary nods at him.

SY I have some royal blood. But, my late mother said, not to be conceited. Cause we all do, since the royals got around. So to speak.

MARY BUCHER I think the ghost means Thad, Sy.

Ellie looks at Sy and slaps his leg under the table.

ELLIE (V.O.) Help me! Are we telepathic? You dumb mother fucker!

SY Uh...What about Thad and you, mother Mary? That would be the purest royal blood of all. Then Thad could be a real mother --

109 ELLIE Lover?

MARY BUCHER Oh, I’m flattered that you think I’m that young, but I’m just shy of my years to bleed.

ELLIE (sarcastic to Sy) She’s not in estrus is what she means.

Ellie pats Sy’s thigh under the table, accidentally hitting the dim switch.

Madame Pompadour jumps out of the painting and onto the table. The DRUMS BEAT and BLUES HARMONICA riff we heard before replays. It’s the opening of “Suicidal Blonde” by the rock group INXS. Pompadour starts disrobing.

Sy snaps, claps and dances in his seat.

SY I love this!

MARY BUCHER It’s Armageddon! Make it stop!

The MUSIC LOWERS.

MADAME POMPADOUR You must mate now Eleanor or the Bucher bloodline will be lost!

MUSIC UP: Pompadour strips at a faster pace.

ELLIE Okay, keep your clothes on, before there’s a nip slip! I respect you ‘cuz you didn’t show your butt in a painting. You hold books like an intellectual. I get it! Take my clothes off to mate. Don’t worry!

MUSIC LOWERS.

MADAME POMPADOUR Your family is not --

Thad turns on the lights. The music is gone.

THAD Slut time is over!

Madame Pompadour sits still in the painting, clothes intact holding her book. Staring as if confronting us with a secret.

110 ELLIE She said my family is not --

THAD Complete yet. Obviously.

ELLIE I don’t know if she meant --

THAD You gonna believe me, or a dead stripper? Use your noddle!

MARY BUCHER Hold it, son. Magdalene was a prostitute, who Jesus cast seven demons out of. Then married and started our royal blood line.

SY (sarcastic) Wasn’t that a movie?

MARY BUCHER With Tom Hanks, yes. Fiction is always the truth thinly veiled. If it’s a hit that is.

ELLIE (embarrassed to Sy) Facts were changed about which families it comes through, so the Brit and Spanish reptilian royals didn’t kill Dan Brown. Yeah. So --

Thad nods.

THAD Since Sy doesn’t believe in the Da Vinci Code...I’m the designated mater. The clear stud.

Thad starts unbuckling his overalls.

ELLIE Thad, if you touch me...I will cut your dick off in your fucking sleep!

THAD Okay, so it’s Sy. My bad.

MARY BUCHER Two birds one stone. We get rid of the gayness demon and extend The Bucher royal blood line in one night.

111 SY I’m in.

Ellie shakes her head and smirks.

ELLIE I’m part of a royal blood line, so I’m gonna need a royal wedding. A girl needs some courtship, Sy. Not to mention foreplay, which I’ll teach you about before the event.

SY (deadpan) I was think’in you could use a turkey baster. Then I wouldn’t have to inconvenience you, ma’am.

ELLIE Oh, Sy! You know. That’s so romantic, but I’m still gonna need my wedding. It’s a Christian thing.

MARY BUCHER You know she’s right.

SY Well, okay. I’ll marry you. Ellie was it?

ELLIE Good guess, lover boy. I want a beautiful gown!

MARY BUCHER I got it! You can use mine!

ELLIE Oh Momma, I couldn’t.

MARY BUCHER It’s tradition. Can’t break it, or it’ll be bad luck! Been passed down forever. Prolly from Magdalene herself! All be! There’s a stain.

THAD Is it the jizz of Jesus?

MARY BUCHER Could be. If so, we could display it like the shroud of Turin. When people walk into the seance.

ELLIE What would the plaque say?

112 THAD Just Jesus jizz. Less is more.

ELLIE I prefer “The Jizz of Jesus.”

MARY BUCHER That is more reverential.

Thad frowns at Ellie, who shrugs her shoulders.

ELLIE (shaking head) It’s just fancier.

THAD Y’all don’t appreciate my business acumen. Jesus jizz will be a hit. We can sell it on t-shirts!

ELLIE That just sounds wrong.

Thad rolls his eyes in frustration.

SY You could get sued for false advertising. If there’s not enough jizz stain to go around.

Sy chuckles.

MARY BUCHER (to Sy) Ye of little faith.

ELLIE Sy -- Wait, Momma! You think God’s gonna create a miracle of the jizz and fishes?

MARY BUCHER No. That’s crazy. A miracle of the loaves and jism. ‘Cuz sperm is little fishes.

THAD I believe! And I got plenty of supply right here. (pointing to his crotch) It comes from Jesus and Magdalene! Way back in the day!

SY Hard to prove in a court of law.

MARY BUCHER Harder to disprove.

113 ELLIE AT 4 Who’s gonna sue say’in, “I bought this for the Jesus jizz promised, but all I got was this t-shirt and Thad’s secreted sauce!”?

SY I’m suing.

ELLIE (beaming at Sy) I love you!

INT. HALLWAY - LATER

Mary and Thad walk and talk.

THAD (sotto) Oh, so this is how it’s gonna be now? Ellie usurps my executive decisions? Like she’s in charge?!

MARY BUCHER (whispers) Nah, it’s just this one little thing. You are the King of this castle. Momma’s got a plan.

EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Thad, Mary, drink mint julips and chain smoke cigarettes, while Ellie and Sy drink warm tea at a table under the back pergola. They look out at the stars reflectively sparkling on the Bayou, like fireflies.

THAD Momma, can I have some cake?

MARY BUCHER Sure. Get you’re butt in the kitchen and slice yourself a piece.

Thad’s jaw drops diagonally, shocked and hurt.

THAD Momma! You turning into a bra burner? Those paint demons possess you? Like Ellie after taking Women’s Studies?

ELLIE That makes no sense.

MARY BUCHER Why would I burn a thing I just bought?

114 ELLIE Or that supports me?

MARY BUCHER I’m just messing with you, Thad. (flirty/creepy) Mommy’ll cut you a thick slice of chocolate cake, baby.

Thad’s mesmerized, reverting to an infantile state, rocking his head slightly from one of Mary’s eyes to the other for validation, like her own a Manchurian Candidate.

THAD (zombiefied) Goo. Goo.

Ellie whispers to Sy.

ELLIE I’m sorry you had to see that. I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore.

THAD (slightly drools to Mary) But, we only have coconut.

SY (sotto to Ellie) Uh, this is the most fun I’ve had in my life. And they only have coconut? What’s gonna happen next?

Sy squeezes Ellie’s thigh under the table and they secretly hold hands. Ellie slightly smiles and is completely happy.

Mary is focused on Thad like they are the only ones there.

MARY BUCHER Coconut’s okay, honey. Momma will get out her big knife and cut that coconut cake for you... (baby talk) ...big boy. Are you my big boy? Are you? Are you baby?

ELLIE This is grossing me out! Stop! We’ve got a guest. Remember Sy?

MARY BUCHER We’re just showing normal mother son affection. I can do it to Sy.

115 SY No, I’m good. Now about that cake --

ELLIE (sotto to Sy) Don’t look in her eyes, she’ll turn you into a drooling cake whore.

SY (deadpan whisper to Ellie) Too late.

Ellie laughs.

INT. CASTLE - KITCHEN - LATER

Francios Boucher’s The Breakfast 1739 painting, depicts him with his wife and three daughters at breakfast: He serves coffee, waiting on his wife like an obsessed fan, while she keeps an eye on their toddler. The oldest teen daughter spoon feeds the infant.

Ellie looks at the painting with great peace as Thad, Sy and Mary have thick pieces of coconut cake on their plates.

Mary’s cuts Ellie’s piece with an “Osiris” KNIFE, 13 inches long with an 8 inch jagged blade. She hears the music from Jaws in her head BA DUMP, BA DUMP...It’s like a shark attacking the coconut cake, blood spurts. Mary knifes the cake, eviscerating it, then killing it. Excitedly she licks blood off the blade, then waves it in SLOW MOTION laughing victoriously. Ellie screams.

ELLIE Nooooooo! Momma! Please stop!

SLOW MOTION: Mary opens her arms quizzically then smirks at Ellie. Mary puts two fingers over her own mouth, gesturing for Ellie to keep this incident a secret.

BACK TO SCENE

The cake is intact, blood is nowhere but Mary still wields her over the top knife.

MARY BUCHER (soupy sweet to Ellie) What’s wrong dear?

Ellie sees the coconut cake is white with red velvet inside and red sauce running from chunks of red chocolate throughout the cake.

Sy looks concerned. Thad smiles slyly.

ELLIE I uh. Didn’t know it was red velvet coconut cake. I thought it was bleeding. Ha!

116 SY (laughs) Oh dear, call 911! The cake’s dying! Quick!

Mary chuckles once then becomes serious. Ellie awkwardly smiles.

MARY BUCHER Don’t lets get weird now.

SY (sarcastic) That ship has sailed.

THAD Aw! Ellie’s los’in it. Again! (snickers) Bingo! I nailed it. Didn’t I?!

ELLIE I see normal, delicious, no triage necessary, cake.

MARY BUCHER You had a vision, didn’t you?

ELLIE Uh. Noooo.

MARY BUCHER Then eat some Ellie. If it’s not bleeding on your plate.

SY It’s good!

Sy eats his piece. Mary feeds Ellie like a baby her fork. Ellie eats reluctantly.

THAD (loud & slow to Ellie) Had a hallucination? She’s gotta go back to the hospital. Git her meds balanced by Dr. Franklestein.

MARY BUCHER (laughs) It’s Dr. Frankle. He’s a good man.

Ellie coughs. Notices Thad and Mary haven’t touched their cake. She puts her hand over her mouth, blocking Mary’s incoming fork.

ELLIE Mmmm that was good! Had enough. I really love this Francios Boucher painting. (MORE)

117 ELLIE (CONT'D) No women showing their asses. Just a normal family having a meal. Don’t you like it, Momma?

MARY BUCHER Well, your lack of ambition must really excite Sy. Hey Sy, you wanna have a normal life?

THAD Oh, sure. Mr. rock star wants to work at the Dairy Queen. Clock in at 10AM. Wash the floors with chemicals that make your lungs feel like they’re glue. Wear a face mask to prevent inhaling toxic fumes.

SY I don’t see Francois Boucher wearing a face mask. But he did have to smell paint fumes. I’m an addict, so I rather like it. As long as I don’t start sniffing it off the job, alone. I’m good.

ELLIE I want to get married at Bayou 1st Holy Ghost.

MARY BUCHER The colored church?

SY But, Mary...The 1st Holy Ghost has the best gospel choir ever! Little Richard, Elvis, The Rolling Stones, so many know rock’n’roll was inspired from Southern churches.

MARY BUCHER The devil’s music.

SY That’s what those anachronistic fundamentalists called it.

MARY BUCHER Oh, they do too? Ya don’t say. I’m quite conservative Sy.

SY Oh, yeah. I can tell with all the Rococo porn on your walls.

ELLIE Momma you’re so sophisticated with your art, can you open your mind to modern church music? Please! It was so passionate.

118 INT. CASTLE - BASEMENT - LATER

Ellie wears her mother’s yellowed lace Victorian era wedding gown. She looks at it as if her life’s over. Mary brushes off lint and smiles in the mirror with pride, patting Ellie on the back.

MARY BUCHER It fits!

Thad looks beyond Ellie, fixing his hair in the mirror.

Sy concerned that Ellie’s not smiling and won’t make eye contact with him. He bobs his head vying for attention. Their eyes meet. He waves and smiles. She quickly averts her eyes.

SY I can get you another dress, Ellie.

MARY BUCHER Why? She loves it!

ELLIE It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress. That’s the only reason I may have to switch the dress.

THAD Or, switch the groom. To me. You’re brother. Okay, let’s do it! If you put a bag over yer head. I think I can do it.

ELLIE Thad, you saw me in this dress too. So, you couldn’t be my husband neither. Kay, idiot?

MARY BUCHER She’s wearing the royal dress and that’s the law. Or, I may have to kill myself!

ELLIE (sarcastic) Well, you gotta go sometime.

Sy laughs. Thad’s angrily ignores him by flipping his hair, while squinting intensely like he’s about to hit Sy.

MARY BUCHER Well, if you wanna kill your Momma and been hallucinating bloody cake and hearing voices from painting people, who strip for you...

119 ELLIE You all saw that too!

THAD I don’t recall.

MARY BUCHER Me neither.

SY I saw it!

MARY BUCHER So you two probably need to go back to the mental hospital.

THAD Where you two match.kookoo’s met.

MARY BUCHER And you’ll be married in my church.

ELLIE No way! Klan members go there!

MARY BUCHER That’s hearsay darl’in.

ELLIE The reverend’s hood fell out from behind the pulpit. He thought he was at the wrong get together!

MARY BUCHER Then I’ll marry you here.

SY No offense, but I’m not into three-way marriage.

MARY BUCHER Uh...Offense taken. I caught that. I didn’t mean I’d marry you, but that I’d marry you. I a minister!

ELLIE Since when? Where you get your ordination papers?

MARY BUCHER I got mine from the blood of the lamb! Christ Jesus himself.

ELLIE (deadpan) What more do I need?

120 MARY BUCHER A real man, who loves women, like Thad. Give him a chance. He’s your brother!

ELLIE Like that’s a good thing?

MARY BUCHER Only half.

ELLIE (deadpan) You don’t have faith in Jesus like I do in your ability to pray Sy’s gay away.

MARY BUCHER The Hell I do! I meant don’t.

ELLIE (sarcastic) Just think of Thad, when you’re having your moment with me. It’ll help.

Thad nods, but Mary squints, shaking her head in disgust.

Sy lets out a laugh, then hides it, biting his fist and nodding with feigned concern.

SY I uh...laugh, when I’m nervous.

MARY BUCHER Oh Sy! Just don’t look Ellie in the face. It’s a long Boucher tradition. Arlen made me wear a feed bag over my head.

ELLIE (repressing laughter) Can I borrow it Momma? Sy, it’s a sign of respect. A man gets extra shy when he loves a gal.

MARY BUCHER Fear of intimacy. That’s why they go to prostitutes. It easier to be unselfconscious with those you don’t know or care about.

THAD Or cadavers.

121 ELLIE Perfect example Thad! Came up with that quick. Proves men cheat not because of looks or age. Just with anyone who’s not their wife.

THAD It’s called gett’in some strange. Ellie knows all about it. Men want her not cause she’s always purtier or even younger than their wife. But unconquered territory.

SY Then why did Prince Charles choose older Camilla over young beautiful Di, then married her?

ELLIE She dominated him. Made him call her, “Mommy.”

SY So hot! Oh yeah, I remember when their phone sex tapes leaked, “I just want to be your tampon, Mommy.”

ELLIE His ambitions are so humble.

SY Or King Edward VIII giving up the crown for the divorced, beyond child bearing, Wallis Simpson? The young ones bored him.

THAD Must be a British faggy thing.

ELLIE Oh yeah. Men loving intelligent older women, or one close to their age is so gay! Like Hugh Jackman, Chris Hemsworth, Paul and Linda McCartney, John Lennon and Yoko, Joan Collins --

THAD See, it’s a British thing!

ELLIE Some were Aussies.

THAD Same difference.

ELLIE Usher, J.Lo, Cher, Madonna, Tina Turner’s husband...

122 THAD It’s a modern godless thing!

ELLIE Oh, Oedipus? Scrap that. He married his mother, so that’s sick.

THAD Not if they’re in love.

Francois Bucher’s Leda & The Swan 1742, Leda lifts her nightgown, as if welcoming a pap-smear from a swan.

SY Straight people are so weird. (re painting) So, you can’t like someone who’s smart, but beastiality is okay?

Thad nods.

Mary cackles, holding her tummy.

MARY BUCHER Why no way! That’s no swan, but Zeus. And when he’s in the bird disguise, the swan is raping her.

THAD Then why is she lifting up her nightie and looking at the swan, like, “Here swany!”? I think this picture messed me up as a child.

ELLIE No shit! (sarcastic sotto to Sy) So whenever it’s forbidden in Leviticus, it’s Zeus.

SY And it’s not a photo, but painted.

MARY BUCHER Making it classical art.

SY Not historical porn? I’m fascinated and love the human image and artistic eroticism. But children shouldn’t be exposed to certain things until they are mature enough to appropriately process it. Don’t you agree Mary?

MARY BUCHER That’s so provincial, darl’in.

123 ELLIE (sotto to Sy) Momma loves to finds big words to use...which mean unsophisticated.

MARY BUCHER So bourgeoisie! Royals show their children what’s natural.

SY Like swans raping women? Is there a lot of that these days?

ELLIE The painting doesn’t eroticize rape, but I think depicts Leda as grateful to get a free a pap-smear.

SY From a swan?

ELLIE I know it seems weird. Not a licensed physician or even a nurse practitioner. But, there was no Planned Parenthood back then.

MARY BUCHER I can hear you! And I agree.

Door Bell GONGS.

ELLIE What guests are coming for a midnight seance? We still doing double shifts?

MARY BUCHER Oh, I forgot. The Coolidge couple. Patsy’s gonna break the news that the anti-AirBnB law is active in Bayou. It’s not for another seance.

THAD (giggles) It’s fer a midnight haunted gator ride! Hee hee!

MARY BUCHER They just don’t know it yet. Hey Sy, you join us! And bring your bride. I’ll marry you on the Bayou! Now that’s a song. Ain’t it?

THAD Sounds real purty to me!

ELLIE I don’t know. I’m not feeling well.

124 THAD Oh, you’re going!

MARY BUCHER You can’t deny your brother every request he made tonight. You’re going! See you later...gater!

Mary and Thad giggle and run down to meet their guests.

INT. ELLIE’S BEDROOM - LATER

Ellie and Sy pack a few things nervously into their suitcase.

ELLIE We gotta get out now, or they’ll kill us.

SY I know, just like your parents...were killed on the haunted gator ride. Fuck, I’m so tired. They have guests, so maybe they won’t have the energy to kill us tonight. Nappy time?

Ellie shakes Sy.

ELLIE Get it together, Sy! What’s wrong with you? They’re in the kitchen, or the back porch. We can get out the front way if we go now!

SY (slurring) Whatever happens, I love you.

ELLIE Don’t say that, it’s so fucking ominous. Makes me nervous.

SY (slurring) I wanna a drink. I won’t get one, but this would be the perfect time.

Ellie looks down at her shaking hand.

ELLIE I think they spiked that coconut, velvet blood cake!

SY (slurring) Maybe they did. Shit!

125 INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER

Sy and Ellie tip toe down the staircase to the living room. Ellie looks up and two chopped up bodies are covered in blood that fills the floor. Louis XIV has blood spattered across his face in his painting. We’re back at the opening scene.

ELLIE Are you seeing blood, or is it one of my visions?

SY It’s real.

ELLIE Let’s get the Hell outta here!

Ellie runs to the door, but it’s locked from the outside. A rifle COCKS behind her. Sy is by her side and looks back.

THAD Should I kill Sy first, or make him watch us mate, Ellie? Your pick.

ELLIE Uh, I’m marrying him. Let us go.

MARY BUCHER Why, so he can take our cash cow? It’s not good for business. Well, I guess she wants you to shoot him now. Sick ‘em, Thad!

ELLIE No!!!!!!

BANG. Thad chuckles.

THAD Man down!

MARY BUCHER So to speak. Ha!

Ellie looks over her shoulder and sees Sy bleeding on the floor. She goes to him. Thad jumps on her, ripping off Mary’s wedding dress that’s now covered with blood.

ELLIE Don’t! Stop! You fucking pig!

MARY BUCHER Go Thad! Go Thaddy!

Ellie grabs an Arthurian paperweight and smashes the side of Thad’s skull. Blood gushes out.

126 ELLIE Now Momma, I’m all you got!

MARY BUCHER You killed my love! My boy! You’re not my daughter! Never even close. Such a disappointment.

ELLIE Why’d you kill my parents?

MARY BUCHER I saved you from a Godless existence. The Lord brought you to us, as Thad’s mate. Thought I could raise you in my image. You had the blood. Shame you have to die.

Mary aims Thad’s riffle at Ellie and COCKS it.

ELLIE God in Jesus name and the Holy Ghost, help me!

The lights go out as the walls glow. People and creatures jump out of the paintings Francois Boucher’s wife and three daughters chuck plates at Mary, while he drinks coffee.

MARY BUCHER What did I ever do to anybody? I cleaned and dusted when I could.

Francois hold his hands up as the painting characters stop.

FRANCOIS BOUCHER (French accent) Wait, let Madam defend herself!

MARY BUCHER Maybe I shouldn’t left Thad alone with you. Don’t know what he did. I found some holes, sorry for that.

FRANCOIS BOUCHER (spitting coffee) The guillotine is too good for her! Zis is war! Get her!

MARY BUCHER Aaah!

Louis XIV, Madam Pompador, Leda, the swan, Callisto, Diana, Louise O'Murphy, The Three Graces, Venus, Apollo, Aphrodite, Catherine The Great, twenty cherubs led by cupid shooting arrows engulf Mary who SCREAMS.

127 EXT. CASTLE - SUNSET

The castle fills with blood red light as the sky reflects passionate purple, blue, scarlet, pink, orange and yellow hues. A ghostlike mist emanates to the top and dissolves. Two crosses are upside down (the sign of the devil) in a reflective pond, but two are standing tall on the castle.

MATCH CUT TO:

EXT. CASTLE - SUNSET

Cars fill the circular driveway, while calm blue hues paint the sky with a dash of pink and violet.

SUPER: “1 Year Later”

INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL - CONTINUOUS

Ellie greets attendees behind a counter in a black conservative dress as if she’s hosting a memorial. Rev. Andre Jones, and his wife Gracie are the last to arrive and smile at Ellie.

ELLIE Thanksfor coming...to the seance.

GRACIE JONES Glad you stuck with it! You’re gift from God.

ELLIE (pensive) Yeah, me too.

Sy walks up to her.

SY Why so intense?

GRACIE JONES I love your work Sy!

Ellie quizzically tilts her head, squinting at Sy, then Gracie.

ELLIE So, you see him too?

GRACIE JONES Well not on a regular basis. We’re not dating, but yeah. I see him.

ELLIE Now? Like right now?

128 ANDRE JONES He has spiked hair... (squinting to examine) ...and is the same Sy with that number album, called “Seance.”

ELLIE Few! Just checking.

SY I hate my picture on the album cover. It’s so cheesy.

GRACIE But, it speaks to people. We can’t choose that. Like love.

ANDRE (at Ellie & Sy) Or, reincarnated lovers Isis and Osiris. Those who have ears to hear, hear!

Gracie and Andre giggle, link arms and go to the event.

REVERSE ANGLE: Ellie and Sy hold hands behind the front desk. CU on matching black diamond wedding bands. Ellie turns sideways, but backs away slightly from Sy as if there’s an energy keeping them apart. Sy squints.

SY Can we kiss?

ELLIE I don’t know. You have to be able to reach me.

They look down, REVEALING she’s pregnant.

SY (sarcastic) It’s like there’s something between us...but I can’t pinpoint what it is? (to mid air) Madam Pompadour?

ELLIE Don’t speak! She may hear. She’s performing here all week.

SY Please not karaoke! I preferred when she was almost stripping.

129 ELLIE Don’t we all. That voice. It’s so ...undead.

SY That’s why it hurts so much.

ELLIE That she has more followers than you. Okay, I mean she’s dead, but you fathered a child.

SY Maybe in my next life. But, I’m in no rush to die again.

ELLIE You’re so Jesusy. Get back to your painting, boy!

Sy won’t leave, beaming at Ellie with love. A light glows behind their silhouettes. They kiss, then Sy dissolves...

INT. CASTLE - DINNING ROOM - DUSK

Ellie sits at the head of a filled table between Gracie and Andre. Ellie holds their hands, closes her eyes and prays silently with only lips moving. All follow suit for ten seconds, then...

GRACIE Oh, the Holy Ghost is in here tonight! Whoa! Yes. Hallelujah!

ELLIE (slowly opening eyes) “When there are two or more touching and we ask God for anything in your name Jesus, it shall be given.” Matthew 18:19.

All eyes are open. ANDRE GRACIE Amen! Amen sista!

CROWD Amen! GRACIE ANDRE Preach the word! Glory to God!

Ellie scans the paintings. Attendees follow her gaze...

Louis XIV blows Ellie a kiss with his gold fan.

LOUIS XIV Motherhood makes you simply glow!

Ellie opens her mouth to speak with him --

130 GRACIE Be mindful who you talk to Prophetess, Ellie May Bucher! As the Apostle Paul said, “I want to do good, but evil’s right there with me.” - Romans 7:21.

LOUIS XIV Ellie, you look ravishing darling! Good enough to eat! You’re quite a hottie for forty-eight. God, I get the whole MILF thing now.

Ellie shuts her mouth, Louis XIV frowns raising one eyebrow stuck back in his portrait.

The Three Graces smile at Ellie: THALIA winks, EUPHROSYNE giggles and AGLAIA waves slowly like a snobby queen.

AGLAIA (clenched teeth) She’s totally gonna talk to me. I out class you both.

THALIA I’m the hipster! Way cooler than you. Finger on the zeitgeist.

EUPHROSYNE (sarcastic) Oh yeah, you’re so current. That last party you had, before the flood, was off the hook! Of Poseidon’s trident.

AGLAIA Simply Antediluvian. When gods were worshipped... (tearing up) ...by human servants we’d toy with.

Ellie whispers to Gracie under her hand.

ELLIE (sotto) I think I’ll pass. So, if I stop looking at them, they can’t talk?

GRACIE And don’t speak directly at them.

ANDRE Or, they can jump out and join us.

ELLIE But, they’re a train wreck...I wanna keep peeking at.

131 GRACIE No, no, no!

ANDRE Don’t do it, Ellie!

Ellie sneaks a peek at The Three Graces.

AGLAIA The good ole days. Before damn Prometheus gave them fire! I can’t even look at him --

EUPHROSYNE I think he’s hot.

Aglaia cries. Thalia opens her arms quizzically.

THALIA Why’d you have to go there! He totally rejected her and she’s the goddess of beauty!

EUPHROSYNE Well, she can’t blame it on her looks. Which means...I’m not going to say it. But --

AGLAIA My personality must really suck!

Aglaia cries then tackles Euphrosyne.

ELLIE Oh shit!

GRACIE Ellie, look away!

Ellie diverts her stare and The Three Graces return to their painted poses. Andre stands to block Ellie’s view of them and motions like he’s directing planes.

ANDRE C’mon don’t look back. Move along now. Aren’t there other spirits you want to talk to, Ellie?

ELLIE I’m ready to move on. Where’s Madame Pompadour?

Madame Pompadour enthusiastically waves a book...

MADAME POMPADOUR Pick me! Ellie, I have a new tune I wanna try --

132 Ellie grimaces and looks beyond Pompadour, who returns to her motionless perturbed expression.

Ellie looks at a painting with affection and giggles within herself...

ELLIE Ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a treat! We have a special guest tonight. Are you ready?

REVEAL painting of Sy in a long blonde wig, Ziggy Stardust outfit from his early cover tunes phase. He has a wide cheesy grin as he slaps his knee with one hand and grasps a mic with the other. He wiggles his limbs free.

SY I thought you’d never ask!

The crowd cheers.

CROWD It’s Sy! Sy! Sy! Sy!

ELLIE What would my beloved like to sing?

SY I have a new tune for Ellie, my baby Momma, soul mate and love of every lifetime...

The crowd applauds. Sy jumps on the dinning room table with the mic. A supernatural spotlight follows him dancing between sliding on his knees.

ELLIE Sing for me, my baby Daddy!

German techno MUSIC pipes in.

SY (singing) Baby, I died for you...so many times...No rhythm to the rhymes...No reason to life without my wife. Make it all right. Make it alright. Make it all right. I’m not a monster you married, but just the undead. Don’t kick me out of bed.

ELLIE Get on the pole, baby Daddy. Show me some moves.

Supernaturally two white sparkly stripper poles come down from the ceiling as fog rolls in like a cloud. Sy twirls up one and holds on with his legs to a horizontal beam which connects them at the top. Then he drops upside down in a bat sleeping position.

133 SY (singing) I’m just undead. Call me out of the living dead. To spend one more night with my wife. Wake me out of my sleep life. Ellie! Ellie-Ellie! Without you, I have narcolepsy. Narc-o-lepsy. Life without my eternal wife is narcolepsy.

The music stops. Sy flips, landing on his feet and bows. The crowd cheers and applauds. He looks longingly at Ellie, who smiles and nods.

ELLIE Now back to your painting. I’ll call on you later my eternal love.

SY So soon, my dove?

ELLIE I have to help others find spiritual answers to solve all their problems.

Sy nods.

SY Keys to the kingdom. (looks up inspired) I think there’s a song in that...I’ll go write.

ELLIE On Earth as it is in Heaven.

Sy jumps back into his painting, frozen in the cheesy position he hates.

Grace and Andre giggle under their breath.

GRACIE It is a cheesy painting of Sy.

ANDRE Poor guy, stuck look’in like that.

GRACIE It doesn’t do him justice.

Ellie giggles within herself.

ELLIE But, that’s how you know it’s true love. Even when Sy looks awkward.

GRACIE That’s putting it mildly.

134 Ellie and Andre laugh.

ELLIE Sy’s still the hottest guy.

GRACIE (sarcastic) Uh, maybe to you.

ELLIE Love is subjective. I’m serious. He’s the most gorgeous guy, Cause I see his eternal spirit which is beautiful to me.

Gracie and Andre gaze at each other, smile, then get it.

Ellie looks at Sy’s silly portrait and beams with total love.

INT. CASTLE - DINING ROOM - LATER

The seance continues as ELLIE listens to a WOMAN attendee, who weeps MOS...

ELLIE (V.O.) People were given faith by messages sent from loved ones from beyond...

Ellie looks to the panting of The Three Graces, asking if they have messages for the woman. They jump out onto the table, consoling her between doing the Charleston, which makes turns her tears into giggles.

ELLIE (V.O.) The popularity of zombie TV shows and movies, made the undead easy to accept, plus the surveillance tape of them killing Mary Bucher, which proved my innocence and that I killed Thad in self-defense. Or, thought I had til...

INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL - LATER

Ellie waves good-night to the last attendees as Gracie and Andre stay behind. She hugs Andre, then looks up at the wall in shock...

Gracie snaps and waves in front of Ellie’s gaze.

GRACIE Ellie? You OK? What’s wrong?

Andre follows Ellie’s glare, over his shoulder and opens his mouth stunned. Gracie looks at what they are focused on as her jaw drops.

Ellie slowly lifts her arm, pointing at the image.

135 ELLIE (frightened) Who put that abomination here?!

It’s a painting of Mary Bucher in her velvet green Victorian gown with a peacock feathered collar and Nora Desmond crazy eyes. Her arms and smile are wide open, as she holds a long cigarette. Thad is adjacent in overalls, riding a cow while embracing a pig wearing a blue ribbon like it’s a corsage on his a prom date and smiles at us with idiotic pride.

ANDRE It was not here before the seance. It must have just...

ELLIE (terrified shaky) ...Materialized, like the other paintings that can talk to me.

GRACIE The weeds (Satan’s spawn) grow next to the wheat (children of God) till the end of times come.

ELLIE This is from the old Haunted AirBnB brochure photo. Someone painted it, snuck it in. It’s a joke!

GRACIE A bad joke.

ANDRE You can say that again!

ELLIE It don’t move. So, it’s a supernatural fake. Phew!

ANDRE But, the others you’d talked to or think of a question and they move.

ELLIE I’ll talk to it.

GRACIE No! Just look away dear. Please!

ELLIE I’ll prove it ain’t real. Uh, Mary, Thad and your pig prom date with the blue ribbon corsage, or is Miss Bacon, the new Mrs. Thad Bucher?

The painting is immobile.

136 Andre and Gracie laugh as Ellie follows suit.

GRACIE It’s not supernatural!

ANDRE What a relief!

ELLIE I told ya!

MARY BUCHER (O.C.) Ellie May, don’t you like Momma’s dress?

Mary does different fashion poses in the painting.

ELLIE (sarcastic) I guess if you like the Cruella de Vil look! Or, a demented Nora Desmond?

ANDRE (to Ellie) Don’t engage.

OINK. SNORT. SNORT. Thad cackles off his pig coming to life on the canvass.

MARY BUCHER Thanks for talking to me Ellie! (sotto to Thad) Told you I’d get her to break.

Andre puts his head in his hands.

ANDRE All Hell’s break’in lose.

THAD And Ellie, you always thought I was slow, but you stepped right in it! Hee hee!

GRACIE Na, na! Now Ellie, don’t use direct address with the Devil.

ELLIE Thad, who do you think you are, Michael Jackson now? With the “Hee-hee!” stuff? Please! You’re even an undead loser, Thad.

137 THAD Oh, God! It’s the best day ever! Be’in able to move again. Just you acknowledging me Ellie, gives us that gift. I don’t know whether to jump out now, or wiggle around in this painting. Love trumps all!

Ellie shields her face.

ELLIE Oh God! Don’t let him go after me! He thinks I’m his bride.

Gracie and Andre cover her.

ANDRE I plead the blood of the lamb over Ellie! You can’t have her Satan!

GRACIE Ellie is a child of the most high God! El Elyon! El Shaddai! Yaweh! Sanctified by the Holy Ghost! (indecipherable tongues) Na she ro bo ka na na. Tesh ha di ba! Bloko na de! Tez ma nai! Ma ni!

THAD (O.C.) Will you marry me? This’ll finally convince you that I’m the one.

OFF CAMERA Thad makes a smooching sound.

Ellie looks around, but he’s no where near her.

ELLIE Where is that freak?!

ANDRE He’s with Miss Bacon in the pic.

In the painting Thad’s kissing the pig’s snout, then it OINKS and SNORTS, then SNORTS again.

THAD Sooie! I’m in love! But, I still have to mate with Ellie. Sorry, Miss Bacon. You are far prettier any day of the week! (rubbing pig’s chin) My bacon bits.

ANDRE The angel didn’t argue with Satan, but said, “The Lord rebuke thee!” Jude 1:9.

138 GRACIE Don’t talk to them!

MARY BUCHER C’mon Ellie! Forgive us!

THAD Or you won’t be forgiven! Jesus said! Oh, Momma...I can’t move my lower body --

GRACIE That’s a good thing. Ellie, don’t respond! I know you have a ton of clever remarks, but just chill.

ANDRE PETA will thank you.

MARY BUCHER Ellie ain’t a real Christian. I knew she was Satan’s spawn. Carry’in undead Sy Fy’s Rosemarie’s Baby!

ELLIE It’s Rosemary’s baby.

MARY BUCHER Whatever! May as well mate with your brother Thad for some non-anti-Christ descendants.

Ellie holds up an open palm toward Mary and Thad without making eye contact.

ELLIE Satan, I cast you out of them with the power of God in Jesus name!

MARY BUCHER Hells... (choking) Agh...Oh shit! --

Mary chokes as she and Thad return to their portrait positions and freeze.

ANDRE That’s the ugliest painting I ever saw! And weird. Why’s he riding a cow? And hugging a pig?

ELLIE He thought it made him look cool.

A beat. The three living humans look at Mary, Thad and the pig, then crack up laughing.

139 INT. CASTLE - FRONT HALL - STAIRCASE - MINUTES LATER

Ellie turns off the lights, climbing the steps alone in the big dim castle. A WIND GUSTS through. She’s pushed down and rolled back, face to face with Mary and Thad’s portrait.

ELLIE Oh, Hells bells! That’s what she used to say. I’m not you!

Mary’s eyebrow rises as she smirks in the painting.

MARY BUCHER I wasn’t always bad! The house haunts us! Don’t judge me or you’ll become just like me.

Ellie looks away from the portrait as the WIND SWELLS she crawls to the closet and puts on the first thing she can grasp.

ELLIE That won’t happen for all eternity!

A burgundy velvet floor length, figure fitting coat with a wide ermine collar and matching trim.

MARY BUCHER It’s my favorite, because of that royal white fluffy fur with the black dots. From Catherine the Great our ancestor. You grab for what I do when desperate, honey. You are me. Look!

ELLIE (sotto) Don’t talk to her directly and she can’t talk to me. Don’t let her get you angry.

Ellie looks in the mirrored wall and sees Catherine red coat on her body, but Ellie has red hair just like Mary. She screams.

ELLIE (CONT’D) You’re an illusion!

Mary cackles.

MARY BUCHER The why you talking to an illusion? (laughs) You’re me! You’re being possessed!

ELLIE Satan, the Lord rebuke you!

140 The WIND STOPS BLOWING and Ellie sees herself in the wall mirror with Catherine’s cloak. She lifts her chin and walks by Mary’s portrait, with her hand blocking eye contact. Ellie glides up the stair case with a new regal flare.

INT. CASTLE - ELLIE’S BEDROOM - MIDNIGHT

ELLIE sits in the window seat slightly shivering. She pulls her cloak tighter to keep warm, gazing at the crescent moon.

ELLIE (V.O.) Sy and I don’t have a conventional relationship.

MEOW. Ellie looks down.

ELLIE Okay, good point. When did we ever? Right Yin? Or, was that Yang?

On floor YIN, her black Burmese and YANG, her white Siamese cuddle tail to nose in a circle like the Chinese symbol they’re named after. She pets them and they PURR.

ELLIE (CONT’D) Yin and Yang, the darkness and the light. Stop talking to cats. (letting go & looking up) Just so they can sleep.

The cats get sucked up, RARR onto an ancient scroll as two cats posed in the yin-yang Tao symbol as an image of peace.

ELLIE (CONT’D) Complementary, rather than opposing, forces that interact to form a a whole...much greater than the parts. (caressing baby bump) Sy and I together made you and are more than two. (looking up) Right?

SY (O.C.) (sarcastic) Speak of the devil!

Sy enters in a burgundy satin kimono with spiked blonde hair.

ELLIE (deadpan) Satan can appear as an angel of light.

SY Can God appear so sexy and cool that you think it’s Satan?

141 ELLIE Yup. Jesus was accused of being the Prince of devils with Satan’s power working through him in Matthew 9:34, 12:24 and Luke 11:15. Religious people hated him.

SY Hung out with hookers, leapers, tax preparers --

ELLIE (sarcastic) I draw the line at accountants. But, I’m onto you.

SY Oh you kill me, funny girl. But, Thad already did.

ELLIE They’re baaaack!

SY I heard Thad’s girlfriend’s a real pig. In undead land we have a version of the internet. It’s called gossip.

ELLIE Did Catherine the Great spill the gravy? Deflate my soufflé?

SY No, Louis XIV. He idolizes Harvey Levin. His TMZ is TDZ “The Dyng Zone” and is considered a reporter.

ELLIE That’s cause men are respected as serious journalists while women are gossip columnists.

SY So true. Hey, since the cats are away, can the mice play?

Ellie jumps on the bed like a cat, with a sparkle in her eye.

ELLIE You just called me a rodent!

SY I was using the royal “we” my lady. I’m the mouse.

ELLIE Rat.

142 SY Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.

ELLIE You just eroticized vermin.

SY Good album title! Can that be your pet name for me, “Eroticized Vermin” like Ziggy Stardust?

ELLIE No. It’s too derogatory. You know...evil.

SY But, everything has more one than the other, like a shadow cannot exist without light.

ELLIE (sarcastic) Oh, you just ruined by wet on with subjective relativism.

Sy pulls a red rose from the bedside vase and gets on one knee, offering it to her.

SY Then why am I so hard?

ELLIE (deadpan) Rigor mortis?

SY Play fair! That’s so lifist! We’re all alive and dead, a little more one than the other. Opposite or contrary forces are interconnected, and give rise to each other.

Sy holds the stem like a paintbrush , while slowly running the petals of the rose up Ellie’s leg.

Decomposition makes excellent manure for a new flower to grow. That’s Taoism. I Ching.

ELLIE Now you’re making me hot.

Sy stops and smiles.

ELLIE (CONT’D) Don’t stop now! Keep going! Talk more Tao and I Ching to me, baby!

Sy walks away, then comes back and kisses Ellie’s toes up her ankle. She moans. He proceeds up her calf with his lips...

143 SY (faux angry) Why don’t you just talk to a portrait of Fu Xi! (kiss) King Wen... (kiss) Or, maybe Confucius... (kiss) Is he more your type? (sarcastic) You just want me for my mind!

ELLIE Over your dead body?

SY Fine, I’ll let you be on top. How many babies do you want?

ELLIE A football team.

Sy pulls back and wrinkles his brow quizzically.

ELLIE (CONT’D) Sarah has Isaac at ninety.

Sy is turned on and jumps on Ellie, pinning her arms down, squints his eyes like a cheetah going for a gazelle.

SY (deadpan) The Bible makes me so hot!

ELLIE (smirks) You think I haven’t figure that out?

Ellie pushes him back and jumps on top of Sy.

SY Preach! Preach to me baby!

Ellie laughs momentarily, then kisses Sy...

Bauhaus “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” MUSIC UP.

They passionate make love as a mist emanates from within as Sy screams ecstatic, his eyes glow red. Ellie looks worried, then her eyes glow yellow and transform into a calm electric blue as the mist envelopes them. The scene BLURS into painted strokes like a François Boucher oil on canvass.

FADE TO BLACK.

144 145