Section V. Habits and Addictions

Section Break Page 1

Ending Habits and Addictions Page 2

Chapter 32. Ending Habits and Addictions— Binging, Drinking, Gambling, Pot, Porn, Procrastination, Drugs, Cell Phones, Shopping, Video Games and more

Have you been struggling to overcome a bad habit or addiction? Most of us have. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly 40% of the American population is obese. In addition to binging and overeating, common habits and addictions include • drinking • smoking / vaping • drugs, including marijuana • gambling • procrastination • cell phones • social media • internet surfing, shopping • video and computer games • nail biting • sex addictions / internet porn, • having affairs. Research studies on treatment or self-help programs for habits and addictions are not terribly encouraging. For example, although we all know someone who has lost weight, we know way more people who are overweight. As many as 50% of individuals who enter weight loss programs, or more, drop out, and many of those who initially lose some weight eventually gain it back, and 70% of people who enter primary residential programs for substance use disorder relapse almost immediately upon discharge. The results of research studies on just about any habit or addiction are no better. You can probably attest to this yourself if your own efforts to change have not been overly successful. I think I know why treatments for habits and addictions fail, and I think I know why you’re also feeling stuck—if that’s the case. I’ll show you, using the problem of binging / overeating. However, the same considerations will apply to any habit or addiction. There are three main reasons why you’re likely to fail in your struggle with any habit or addiction. 1. Advantages of the Habit / Addiction. Your habit or addiction is probably immensely rewarding, and the reward is usually immediate. For example, if you like to binge and overeat, it’s really soothing or even fun to binge on your favorite foods, especially if you’re feeling down, bored, anxious or hungry. And the very moment that tasty food hits your tongue, you experience immediate pleasure. Am I right? Ending Habits and Addictions Page 3

For example, you may eat when you’ve had a hard day and feel like you deserve a reward—eating gives you a little something to look forward to. In fact, eating may be the most pleasurable or greatest reward you have in your life. In fact, eating and binging may be your only true pleasure in life. In addition, we’re constantly tempted with incredible, delicious foods. We see tasty burgers in television ads, seductive foods temptingly arranged at the grocery store, and neon signs of restaurants, bakeries and fast food joints that are just about everywhere when you’re driving your car. The desire to eat is a core and overwhelming biological drive. My wife and I live near the woods, and there are quite a few wild animals around our house, especially deer, whom we love. We have apple trees and I’m always giving them apples. They really appreciate it! Do you know what the deer and other animals spend almost all of their waking time doing? Eating or searching for food. The deer are always looking for something to nibble on. The drive for food in humans is just as strong. In fact, the drive to eat is inherent in all living creatures. There are lots of other benefits of overeating, too. If you’re overweight, you may be subconsciously (or consciously) putting up a wall to ward off people who might be otherwise attracted to you. This may keep you safe, especially if you’ve been hurt, rejected, or abused by someone you loved and trusted in the past. I totally support you if this is one of your motives for overeating. It makes sense and it works. The drive for safety and protection is just as intense and basic as the drive to eat. Here’s another possible benefit. If you binge in secret, as many people do, it’s something special that you can enjoy by yourself, without having to rely on socializing with other people, and without having to risk judgment. 2. Disadvantages of Change. The positive benefits of your habit or addiction are magnified by the many disadvantages of trying to change. Giving up any habit or addiction is a tremendous pain in the butt. For example, if you want to lose weight, you’ll have to diet or cut way down on the amount you eat. You’ll also have to increase your daily exercise. Face it--that’s NO FUN! For most of us, dieting and exercise suck! It’s WAY more fun to watch TV and munch on crunchies. Why in the world would you ever want to trade the joy and gratification of binging for misery, discipline and deprivation? That’s not a good trade-off! And even if you do bite the bullet and succeed through enormous sacrifice in losing some weight, you’ll probably just gain it back later on. So, what’s the point? Finally, if you give up your habit of overeating, you may experience real grief, despair and pain because of the loss of the most supportive relationship in your life—your relationship with food that has provided security, safety, and comfort. Ending Habits and Addictions Page 4

3. Core Values. You probably haven’t thought of this, but your habit or addiction is probably an expression of your core values and shows things about you that are positive, beautiful, or even awesome. How can this possibly be? Well, if you like to binge it could show that you’re an individual, a non-conformist or rebel who doesn’t have to conform to society’s values of how people should look and behave. That’s cool in my book! Your binging may show that you want to pamper and comfort yourself when you’re upset. In fact, feeding yourself the foods you love could be thought of as a form of self-love. Eating without inhibition also shows that you view life as a kind of celebration of our existence and amazing resources. And finally, if someone is criticizing you or trying to sell you on dieting and losing weight, you can resist them and show that you’re not going to give in or let them control you. You can let them know who’s the boss and show them that you don’t have to give in to everything that people tell you to do. Are we on the same page, more or less? Now can you see why you might be failing in your own efforts to overcome your own habit or addiction? We often think of our habits and addictions as “bad” habits, or weaknesses we’ve got to “overcome” through increased “will-power” or greater self-discipline. But in reality, there are tons of really good things about our so-called “bad” habits. If you like what I’m saying, and you’re interested in learning more, I’ve got some pretty cool tools to share with you. These will probably not be the kinds of tools you’ve heard about. But I can assure you of one thing. I won’t be trying to persuade you to change! Let’s see if you want to change. On page 7 you’ll find the Positive Reframing Table for Habits and Addictions. I also called this the “Triple Paradox.” Here’s how you use it. First, select any habit that you think you think you might like to change, something that’s been bothering you. It’s okay if you’re on the fence and have mixed feelings about giving up your habit or addiction. Some apprehension, anxiety, and ambivalence are completely normal and to be expected. Start out by listing the Advantages, or benefits, of your habit or addiction in the left-hand column. You’ll find that there are many! Let’s start with drinking. Here are just a few of the many benefits. Drinking— 1. Can be relaxing. 2. Can be fun. 3. Can be a great reward after a difficult and challenging day. 4. Can be an escape from anxiety, stress, conflict, and anger. 5. Can be a great way to tune out annoying people and situations. 6. Can make it easier to hang out with others, especially if you’re socially anxious. 7. Can make parties and holidays like Thanksgiving or New Year’s Eve more fun. Ending Habits and Addictions Page 5

8. Can make watching sporting events more fun—hanging out with friends who drink, tailgating, even watching TV! 9. Can help you fit in with friends, family or colleagues who drink. 10. Can lower your inhibitions and make it easier to be wild and take risks. 11. Can make sex more likely and way more exciting. 12. Is really easy. 13. Can be tasty, especially if you have your favorite drink! 14. Is totally legal. I’ll give you another example, but I have to warn you that this example may be disturbing, especially if you have strong religious beliefs. Please be assured that my goal is not to upset or anger you. I’m not preaching or taking a moral or religious stance on this or any addiction—I’m just trying to be realistic. Let’s say that you’re addicted to internet porn. What are some of the benefits? There may be quite a few potential advantages of your addiction, including: 1. Internet porn can be incredibly exciting. 2. It’s available any time you’re horny. 3. It’s free if you avoid paid sites or services. 4. It’s quick and easy. 5. You don’t have to get entangled with other people in acting out your sexual fantasies. That could be disturbing or dangerous. 6. You can indulge any conceivable fantasy you have. 7. You won’t be judged. 8. You can watch attractive, sexy people doing wild and exciting things. 9. You can feel normal, since millions of people are probably doing the exact same thing as you, even though they usually don’t talk about it. 10. You will have a convenient sexual outlet, especially if you’ve had trouble developing a good sexual relationship with someone you love. 11. It’s anonymous. I hope it was okay to list these things! They are all super-strong motivating forces. If you try to deal with this habit without taking these factors into account, I don’t think your efforts to change are going to be effective. Next, list the Disadvantages of giving up your habit or addiction in the middle-hand column. You’ll find there are many! For example, if your habit is excessive cell phone use, the disadvantages of cutting down might include: 1. Feeling lonely Ending Habits and Addictions Page 6

2. Having to ignore your friends 3. Having to do schoolwork or other things that make you feel anxious and insecure 4. Hurting peoples’ feelings 5. Feeling lost or anxious 6. Not finding out about what’s going on 7. Missing important messages. 8. Feeling bored or having too much down time. Finally, list all the things that your habit or addiction says about you that’s positive and awesome in the right-hand column. You’ll find there are many. For example, let’s say you’re addicted to playing video games until late at night, and your parents are desperately trying to get you to stop and do your homework. What does your video gaming show about you that’s totally awesome? Here are a few possibilities. Playing video games shows that 1. You love to have fun. Too many people are workaholics, slaving away at things endlessly without really enjoying life. 2. You’re a rebel, marching to the beat of your own drum, like Bill Gates who dropped out of college to do his own thing. 3. You’re competitive, persistent, and committed to trying over and over until you win. That’s a lot like Thomas Edison who persisted in his efforts to create the light bulb. He failed over and over and over and didn’t give up until he got it right! 4. You want to follow your passion in life. You are doing what turns you on, the thing you love the most. Motivational speakers often claim that following your passion takes enormous courage and is the ultimate secret of success. 5. You want to connect with others who also love video games. Paradoxically, your video gaming shows how much you value relationships with others. 6. Video games are a great escape from uncomfortable and awkward social and professional situations. 7. Video games provide a great escape from boredom and loneliness. 8. Video games are way more fun than having to do homework or going to bed! These are just examples, and your own details will be radically different. In addition, make sure you fill out the three columns for one habit or addiction. I’ve used three habits just to give you a feel for how this method works. Do it now. List your habit / addiction at the top and fill in the three columns. Do this on paper, and not in your head. When you’re done, you can continue reading. Thanks! Ending Habits and Addictions Page 7

Positive Reframing Table for Habits and Addictions*

Describe the habit / addiction you want to change:

Your habit or addiction it can be almost anything—overeating, drugs or alcohol, cell phone use, internet surfing, buying things on sale, shoplifting, procrastination, internet porn, having affairs, smoking, biting your nails, etc. Advantages Disadvantages Core Values What are some benefits of this What are the disadvantages of trying to What does this habit / addiction say about you habit / addiction? change or give up this habit / addiction? and your values that’s positive and awesome?

Ending Habits and Addictions Page 8

How did you do? Did you fill out the three columns of the Positive Reframing Table? If the answer is no, then we may have our answer already. Right now, you may not have the motivation to change. You can keep reading out of curiosity if you like, but at least for the moment, you seem to be on the fence, at best, about giving up your own habit or addiction. I get it! This is not a trick, and I’m not trying to manipulate you. I don’t want to tell you, or anyone, what to do or what not to do, or how to live your life. In fact, the whole point of the Positive Reframing Table is to highlight all the really GOOD reasons NOT to change. Therapists, family members, and physicians typically use the opposite strategy. They use facts, persuasion or logic in an attempt to get people give up their habits and addictions. For example, your physician might try to sell you on the dangers of obesity, like increased risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, and other medical problems. Although this approach may be helpful to some people, it often doesn’t work, and may even make the problem worse. When people try to sell me something, I have a pretty strong urge to push back. Do you feel that way, too? Now, let’s assume that you did fill out the Positive Reframing Table, and you’ve listed lots of reasons NOT to change. Are you still looking for some help? If so, that’s pretty cool, and I’d like to hear more. Why in the world would you want to give up a habit or addiction that may be intensely rewarding to you? List your reasons here. Tell me why you want to change.

And if you don’t want to change, this is an exercise that you DON’T have to do!

Ending Habits and Addictions Page 9

If you DID that written exercise, and argued that you DO want to change, then I’ve got some interesting next steps for you that I think you’ll enjoy. Imagine that you’re in a really tempting situation. Let’s say you’ve been drinking a lot every evening when you get home from work. Typically, you go right to the refrigerator and see a nice chilled bottle of your favorite kind of beer, with droplets of perspiration, just like the bottles you see in television advertisements for beer. Let’s imagine, too, that you’re tired and exhausted, and your favorite sports team is about to play an important game on television. Your mind might be flooded with Tempting Thoughts like these: 1. Oh, that bottle of beer looks so good! 2. I deserve a beer. I’ve had a hard day. 3. Mmm. It will taste SO GOOD! It looks so cold and delicious! 4. I’ll feel a lot better after I have a beer or two. 5. I’ll just have a couple, that can’t hurt. 6. The game on TV will be so much more fun if I can relax with a few beers. 7. My wife is always nagging me and trying to control me. I don’t have to let her tell me what to do! 8. I won’t drink tomorrow. 9. It’s not fair that I have to be the only person not drinking while watching the game. 10. No one will see me, so it doesn’t count. Of course, your own Tempting Thoughts will be different, but I think you can get the basic idea. Briefly describe your own tempting situation at the top of the Habits and Addictions Log on page 10. Then list your own Tempting Thoughts in the left-hand column. You can continue on page 11 if you need more room. At the bottom of the Habits and Addictions Log on page 11, you’ll find my list of 10 positive distortions. These positive distortions are the mirror images of the 10 negative distortions I created for my first book, Feeling Good. For example, when you walk past your favorite bakery, you may have Tempting Thoughts like these: • “Those donuts smell SO GOOD!” This is an example of Magnification. The donuts do smell and taste good . . . but are they that good? • “I’ll just have one little bite.” This is an example of Fortune-Telling and Discounting the Negative, because you’re making an unrealistic positive prediction. You’re also ignoring lots of data---in reality, you’ve rarely or never stopped after “one little bite.” • “One donut can’t hurt! I’ll have a really small dinner tonight anyway.” More Fortune- Telling—you may end up binging on several donuts. Ending Habits and Addictions Page 10

Habits and Addictions Log*

Describe the Tempting Situation:

Tempting Thoughts Distortions Loving Thoughts

1. 1.

2. 2.

3. 3.

4. 4.

5. 5.

Continue on next page

Tempting Thoughts Distortions Loving Thoughts 6. 4.

7. 5.

8. 6.

Checklist of Positive Distortions that Trigger Habits and Addictions* 1. All-or-nothing thinking (AON). You think of everything that you've been putting off 6. Magnification or Minimization (MAG / MIN). You blow things out of proportion: "This and tell yourself how overwhelming all those tasks will be. ice cream will taste so good!" 2. Overgeneralization (OG). When you slip up, you tell yourself that you've blown your 7. Emotional Reasoning (ER). You tell yourself, "I'll clean my desk (or start my diet) diet completely and that you'll never lose weight, so you might as well give up. when I'm more in the mood. I just don't feel like it right now." Or, “I’m feeling a bit tired, so I don’t have to start cleaning the garage right now.” 3. Mental Filter (MF). You dwell on the positives, like how good dessert will taste, and 8. Should Statements (AH). You tell yourself, "I've had a hard day. I deserve a drink (or ignore the negative consequences, like feeling guilty or bloated afterwards. a nice dish of ice cream)." After you give in, you tell yourself, "I really shouldn't have slipped up." This makes you so guilty and anxious that you eat or drink even more. 4. Discounting the Negative (DN). You tell yourself, "I'll just have one drink" or "one 9. Labeling (LAB). When you slip up, you tell yourself, "I'm such a fat pig." Then you get bite," but you've never stopped at just one drink or bite in the past. so upset that you decide to eat three more donuts. Or you tell yourself, “I’m a procrastinator.” This gives you a good reason to procrastinate! 5. Jumping to Conclusions (JC). You jump to conclusions not warranted by the facts. 10. Self-Blame and Other-Blame. You find fault with yourself, other people, or the world. • Mind-Reading (MR): You may assume that other people don't have to struggle • Self-blame (SB): You blame yourself for giving in to temptation. This makes you with temptations, or that people who abstain have drab, unfulfilling lives. feel angry, frustrated, and guilty. • Fortune-Telling (FT): You tell yourself that if you take that drink, or smoke some • Other-blame (OB): You may tell yourself that you have "fat genes" or that it's pot, you'll feel great and all your problems will disappear. Or, you tell yourself that unfair that you have to struggle with your weight. You insist that others can eat getting started on the task you’re putting off will make you incredibly anxious. whatever they want and still be thin, so you should be able to do the same thing.

Positive Distortions trigger habits and addictions, but also play a key role in mania, narcissism, relationship problems, and violence. Positive distortions are more difficult to challenge than negative distortions because they are instantly rewarding and make you feel so good. Once you’ve recorded your own Tempting Thoughts, see if you can identify the Positive Distortions in them. You can record the distortions in the Distortions column, using abbreviations, like this example:

Tempting Thoughts Distortions Loving Thoughts

1. Oh, that bottle of beer looks so good! MAG; ER; FT 1. It looks just like those gorgeous frosty bottles of beer you see in TV ads!

2. I deserve it! I’ve had a hard day! ER; SH; OB 2.

3. I just can’t resist it! ER: SH 3.

Once you’ve listed the distortions in your Tempting Thoughts, see if you can combat them with Loving Thoughts in the right-hand column. Here’s an example.

Tempting Thoughts Distortions Loving Thoughts

1. Oh, that bottle of beer looks so good! MAG; ER; FT 1. Well, I’ve given in to the urge to get It looks just like those gorgeous plastered just about every night for frosty bottles of beer you see in TV quite a while now. I think I’ll skip the ads! beer tonight and get a really good night’s sleep for a change.

2. I deserve it! I’ve had a hard day! ER; SH; OB 2. I do deserve some fun and pleasure. I also deserve a break from drinking, so I can get a good night’s sleep and not wake up with a hangover. I’ll like myself a whole lot more in the morning if I skip the beer tonight. Besides, watching the game will be just as fun without the beer. I usually just fall asleep when I’m drinking.

It shouldn’t be hard to come up with convincing thoughts for the right-hand column. But you and I both know that this written exercise probably won’t be enough to help you when you’re tempted. It’s a good first step, but we’re going to need something more powerful.

Now for the cool part. Ask a friend or family member (or your therapist if you’re in treatment) to help you with a Devil’s Advocate role-play. Here’s how it works. Ending Habits and Addictions Page 13

Ask the other person to play the role of the Devil and tempt you to give in to the urge to drink, overeat, gamble, procrastinate, buy something on sale—whatever your Tempting Thoughts happen to be. Your friend can read your tempting thoughts out loud, using the second person, “You,” as seductively and persuasively as possible.

For example, your friend, in the role of the Devil, might say, “You deserve a drink! Mmm. It would taste so good, and you’ve had a hard day!” Make sure she or he says it with gusto, with a genuine attempt to tempt you into caving in.

Now you can try to defeat or crush the tempting thought, as forcefully as possible, speaking in the first-person, “I.” Don’t look at what you wrote down on paper, just do it spontaneously. The dialogue might go like this:

Devil (played by your friend): Oh, that bottle of beer looks so good! It looks just like those gorgeous frosty bottles of beer you see in TV ads! You: It sure does, but I’m going to pass. Devil (played by your friend): Pass? That’s ridiculous. You deserve all the beers you want! You’ve had a hard day. Just think of how good it will taste. Mmm! You: Yes, but I deserve a good night’s sleep, too. When I get plastered, I have a terrible time sleeping and I wake up feeling lousy. Devil (played by your friend): But it will taste SO GOOD! And it looks so cold and delicious! You: I’m sure it would taste great, but I can survive without beer tonight. Devil (played by your friend): You’ll feel a lot better after a beer or two. You: That’s true, but it won’t be all that wonderful, and I’ll feel a whole lot better in the morning if I say no. Devil (played by your friend): You can just have a couple of beers, that can’t hurt. You: That’s not really true. I never stop after a couple beers. In fact, I usually keep drinking until they’re all gone. But I’m not going to do that tonight. Tonight, the answer is NO. Devil (played by your friend): The Monday night football game on TV will be so much more fun if you relax with a few beers. You: It won’t really be that much better, and to be honest, I’ll probably jut pass out and miss most of the game if I start drinking. In reality, I’ll enjoy it more if I don’t drink. And the urge will pass fairly quickly if I just say no. So, my firm and final answer is NO! Devil (played by your friend): But your wife is always nagging you and trying to control you. You don’t have to let her tell you what to do! Don’t be such a pussy. Be a man! You: A man can love his wife. I don’t have to fight her all the time. She’s genuinely concerned about my drinking. If I don’t give in to the urge to drink, I think she’ll be Ending Habits and Addictions Page 14

really proud of me. And that could be pretty cool, too. That’s how it works. You can record the Devil’s Advocate role-play on your cell phone so you can listen to it again from time to time when you get tempted. This is important.

There are two keys to the success of the Devil’s Advocate Technique. First, if you can’t soundly defeat one or more of the tempting thoughts, it means you haven’t yet decided to change. Don’t ask your friend to help your or bail you out when you’re stuck. If you want to change, you will find a way to defeat all of your tempting thoughts on your own. If someone else tells you what to say, they’re “helping,” and that will only make things worse.

In addition, make sure your friend really tries to seduce you with your Tempting Thoughts. He or she should verbalize them as seductively as possible, trying to break you down, trying hard to make you give in to the temptation.

Otherwise, this technique won’t be effective, because the other person will be secretly trying to “help.” The effort to “help” people with habits and addictions is the cause of nearly all therapeutic failure.

What can you do if you don’t want to role-play with a friend because you find it too embarrassing? Well you can still do the role-play with yourself, and you can use your cell phone for recording. First, play the role of the Devil and really try to tempt yourself by reading your tempting thoughts, one by one, using the second person, “You.” Then see if you can defeat the temptation, speaking in the first-person, “I.”

Once you’ve beaten down all your tempting thoughts, you’ll be good to go.

That’s about it. So, what comes next?

I won’t tell you what kind of diet or exercise program to adopt, or what strategies you should use to defeat any other habit or addiction, for that matter. There are tons of tips and suggestions out there. If you’re motivated, you can find plenty of reasonable recommendations on the internet, and you can make any of them work for you if you’re motivated. But if you’re not sufficiently motivated, nothing is going to work. Motivation is the whole ball game, to be honest, and that’s what we’ve focused on in this chapter. If you’re determined to change, you will be successful!

Still, there are a few additional general principles or tips that may be helpful to you.

Stimulus Control No one can resist every impulse on every occasion, so if you’re constantly tempted, you’ll probably eventually give in. This is just common sense, not rocket science.

Stimulus control simply means that you avoid putting yourself in danger. For example, if you’re trying to give up alcohol, could you get rid of all the alcohol in your house? Could you throw your current supply away? Then you won’t gaze with yearning as you stare at Ending Habits and Addictions Page 15 your favorite bottle of wine until you give in to the urge to open one it and pour yourself a lovely glass of wine.

It’s the same with food. If you binge on ice cream after dinner, could you get rid of the ice cream in the freezer? And could you decide not to buy more when you’re at the grocery store? Because if you buy it, you’ll eat it.

And don’t buy groceries when you’re hungry, either, because you’ll give in to the urge to buy the very foods you’re trying to avoid.

If you want some ice cream after dinner, drive to the local ice cream store and buy a single scoop of your favorite ice cream and enjoy it. That way you won’t be sitting at home binging on vast quantities of ice cream after dinner.

Replenish your Motivation We know that motivation can fluctuate faster than the stock market during a crash. Let’s say that you’ve been doing great for a while, and you’ve defeated your habit or addiction. It’s extremely likely, even a certainty, that powerful temptations will start creeping back into your mind sooner or later.

Go back to the chart you filled out on page 7. Review what you wrote down and add to it if you like. Then ask yourself why in the world you’d want to continue on the straight and narrow?

If you decide that you no longer want to stick with abstinence, that’s okay. Our problem is solved because you’ve decided what you want to do!

Sometimes that decision will be okay, but sometimes it can be disastrous. A dear colleague who specializes in the treatment of addictions just informed me that a fellow he once knew in AA recently had a “slip” after ten years of continuous sobriety and drank himself to death.

If, in contrast, you find that you still want to change, review what you wrote down on the Habits and Addictions Log on pages 10 and 11, and add to it if you want.

For example, you may have some new tempting thoughts like these:

• I did a great job giving up beer (or dieting, etc.) for several days, so now I deserve to have a drink again. • I don’t want to be abstinent forever. I can just drink a little from time to time and that will make life way more fun. • It’s unfair that I should have to stop drinking entirely. Other people can drink, so why can’t I? • I’ve proven that I can stop drinking, so I don’t have to keep proving the same thing over and over again. And there’s a great game on TV tonight, too! Ending Habits and Addictions Page 16

• Life sucks without alcohol. Now identify the distortions in these Tempting Thoughts and challenge them by putting Loving Thoughts in the right-hand column of the Habits and Addictions Log.

Finally, ask your friend to do the Devil’s Advocate Role play again, or listen to the recording you made when you did it the first time, or make a brand-new recording, role playing with yourself on your cell phone.

Reach Out for Support and Help Habits and addictions can be very challenging, and there’s no rule that says you have to fight every battle on your own. There’s no shame in asking for help. Some people are unable to meet their goals without ongoing support and help, no matter how strong their desires to change may be. You can google 12-step programs as well as other types of support groups in your area for every conceivable habit or addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous has had a proven track record of providing free and compassionate help for enormous numbers of people for generations, and it’s just one of many programs out there. You’ll find support groups for overeaters, sex addictions, narcotics, gambling, smoking, and more. And psychotherapists or certified addiction counselors can also make a huge difference, of course! My main message is not to give up hope. Finding the right combination of professional and community support can be the key to success. Thanks so much for reading this chapter and checking out some of the new and rather different techniques I’ve developed to help combat habits and addictions. I hope you found them interesting and maybe even helpful. Let me know!

Still on the Fence? In case you’re still unsure about giving up your habit or addiction, I have one more incredible tool for you. I believe it’s the most powerful tool ever developed for the treatment of habits and addictions. You can read about it in the very next chapter!

Difficult Decisions Page 17

Chapter 33. How to Make Difficult Decisions

Indecisiveness about giving up habits and addictions is universal and totally understandable. There may be extremely strong reasons to change, along with overwhelming and powerful reasons not to change. It’s like the war of the worlds! I've developed an innovative method to help get unstuck and resolve your ambivalence. It's called the Decision-Making Tool. It can be tremendously illuminating when you're faced with a difficult decision. It will show you exactly why you've been stuck on the horns of a dilemma and will often help you decide what you really want to do. Take a look at the Decision-Making Tool on page 18. It might look a bit intimidating at first, but it’s not actually hard to use, it just seems that way the first time you use it because there are many little steps. Once you get used to it, you’ll find that it’s powerful and really easy, and you can use it for all sorts of difficult decisions, and not just decisions about habits and addictions.

It does require a little bit of adding and subtracting—calculations that are about at the fourth and fifth grade level of difficulty. In addition, you’ll have to follow the instructions carefully, in a step-by-step manner, without rushing. That way you won’t get confused, and you’ll have a nice reward when you’re done!

I’m sure you’ll find the effort worthwhile. The Decision-Making Tool is incredibly illuminating and may even save your life.

For right now, we’ll just focus on its use in the treatment of habits and addictions. At the end of the chapter, I’ll show you how you can use the same tool for any difficult decision involving relationships, school, work, or just about anything. When I’m working with anyone asking for help with a habit or addiction, this is the tool I use first. It can be tremendously helpful. The purpose of the Decision-Making Tool is not to tell you what to do, but to show you what the most important issues are, and how they balance off against each other in your mind. This insight can help you decide what you really want to do. Step 1. Options The first step when you're trying to make a difficult decision is to list all your options. People often get stuck because they're trying to decide between two options. In fact, there may be many options. As a first step, list as many options as you can think of. Let’s start with a pretty common problem, overeating or binge eating, and you want to lose some weight. The first option will usually be what you’re already doing. Then, list some options. There will nearly always be lots of possibilities. Here are some possible options.

Page 17 Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A B

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A 

9 1 2 10

5 7

6 8

11 3 4 12

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 18 Difficult Decisions Page 19

1. (the status quo) Eat as much as I want of whatever I want whenever I want, with no exercise. 2. Eat whatever I want but start exercising. 3. Severe calorie restriction with intense daily exercise. 4. Modest calorie restriction with modest exercise several times per week. 5. Low carb diet. 6. Caveman diet. 7. Healthy eating choices plus exercise without dieting. 8. Join a local overeaters anonymous group. 9. Try one of the weight loss programs advertised on television. 10. Do a seven-day juice cleanse. There’s nothing special about this list, and your list of options will be different from the one on this list. Let’s say you want to start out by comparing the first two options. You can call them Option A and Option B and list them at the top of the Decision-Making Tool, like this.

Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Eat as much as I want whenever I want. B Eat as much as I want but start exercising.

Now you’re ready to start your analysis. How would you do this for a problem like excessive drinking? A man named Tyrone told me that he’d been drinking fairly heavily every night. He said it was fun but interfered with his sleep and he woke up feeling tired and hung over. His wife had been complaining that he was no fun because he got drunk and passed out every night when he came home from his work as a welder. Tyrone’s drinking started out with a couple of beers several times a week, but now he says he’s drinking many beers pretty much every night. And on weekends, he usually starts drinking in the middle of the afternoon. His wife has been critical of him, and says he passes out each night. His doctor warned him that his liver enzymes were high, and he totaled his car one night when he was drunk. Here are five possible options he listed. 1. Keep drinking—as much as I want whenever I want. 2. Give up alcohol entirely—total abstinence. Do it on my own. 3. Join AA or another support group and try for total abstinence. 4. Go to an addiction counselor for help.

Page 19 Difficult Decisions Page 20

5. Controlled drinking / social drinking. I could try to limit the amount I drink without giving up alcohol entirely. The last option is an appealing fantasy for many people who have succumbed to heavy drinking, but it doesn’t work for many people who simply cannot drink in a controlled or moderate way. That’s because no matter how strong your intentions might be, once you start to drink, your inhibitions will go down and you’ll give in to the urge to drink more. . . and more! I asked Tyrone to choose the two best options from his list. He decided to compare the status quo with total abstinence, so he listed these as Option A and Option B at the top of the Decision-Making tool, like this. Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own.

As you can see, Step 1 isn’t very hard. All you have to do is list some options and put two that are reasonably appealing at the top of the Decision-Making Tool. As you’re about to see, the other steps aren’t difficult, either. Step 2. Advantages and Disadvantages of Option A Once you’ve selected your options, list all the advantages and disadvantages that you can think of for Option A on the top-half of the form. As you can see on page 21, Tyrone listed the many advantages for Option A, “drinking as much as I want,” in the upper left- hand quadrant of the Decision-Making Tool. Of course, the benefits of your habit or addiction will be quite different. This is just to show you how it works. When you list the Advantages of your own habit or addiction, you’ll need to be brutally honest, just like Tyrone. After all, there will be tremendous benefits of almost any habit or addiction, and if you don’t list them all, this tool won’t be effective. Next list the Disadvantages of Option A in the upper right-hand quadrant of the form. Again, try to be completely honest with yourself, since there will usually be many. You can see Tyrone’s list on page 21. As you can see, Step 2 isn’t very hard, either. Remember, this is not an attempt to persuade you to change. I’m just giving you the chance to look at things from a slightly different angle, and I think you’ll find this really interesting. It’s not going to be what you think!

Page 20 Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own.

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A 

6 8

11 3 4 12

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 21 Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own.

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A 

1. Drinking is relaxing and fun. 1. Drinking interferes with my sleep. 2. Escape from anxiety, stress, conflict, and anger. 2. Wake up with a hangover. 3. Life is hard, and drinking is my reward. 3. Health problems, high blood pressure. 4. Helps me fit in with friends who drink. 4. I’m drinking more and more. 5. Makes parties and holidays more fun. 5. Problems in my marriage. 6. It’s the best thing in my life! 6. Wife refuses sex when I’m plastered. 7. I like “living on the edge” and being a “bad boy.” 7. I pass out and don’t even see the game I’m watching 8. I can rebel against people who try to control me. on TV. How fun can that be? 9. Sporting events on TV are more fun. 8. Weight gain. When I drink, I eat! 10. Drinking lowers my inhibitions. 9. Less time with kids, always drinking. 11. Sex is more exciting. 10. Not performing well at work. 12. Drinking is legal and easy. 11. Poor sexual functioning, impotence. 12. Impaired immune system. 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! 9 1 2 10 13. Less time with things I love. 14. Auto accidents. 15. Social life is reduced. 16. Guilt and shame. 17. Feel out of control. 5 7 18. Loss of self-respect. a. 1. Better sleep. 1. Have to fight cravings. 2. Can lose weight. 2. Anxious at social gatherings. 6 8 3. Better health. 3. Irritable. 4. Increased self-esteem. 4. No fun every night. 5. More energy. 5. Life becomes dreary. 6. Wife wins. 6. Better concentration. 7. Better marriage. 7. Miss the taste of beer. 11 3 4 12 8. I can say I did it! 8. Nothing to look forward to. 9. Greater enjoyment of sporting events on TV. 9. Feel deprived. 10. More time for family. 10. I’m giving in, I’ve lost! 11. More time for the things I enjoy. 11. I’ve become a goody two-shoes. 12. Sense of pride all day long! 12. Can’t hang out with friends who drink, since I’ll give in to 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! social pressures and drink. 14. More sex. 13. Loss of my best friend! 15. Make wife happy. 14. Life becomes a drudgery of work and deprivation. 16. Good role model / increased respect. 15. May feel controlled and resentful. 17. Time for other pursuits and interests.

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 22 Difficult Decisions Page 23

Step 3. Advantages and Disadvantages of Option B Now list all the advantages and disadvantages that you can think of for Option B on the bottom-half of the form. You can see Tyrone’s lists on page 22. You might think that the advantages and disadvantages of Option B would just be the opposite of the advantages and disadvantages of Option A, but that’s only partially true. There will be some important differences as well, and that will depend on what you chose for Option B. Don’t worry about getting it “right” or listing everything. You will probably think of many more advantages and disadvantages of both options later on, and you can add them to your lists anytime. Once you've listed all the advantages and disadvantages you can think of for both options, you're ready to weigh the options against each other. This where it will start to get really interesting, but it may seem a little complicated or intimidating the first time you do it. I guarantee it will be easy if you just follow the step-by-step instructions slowly and carefully, one step at a time. You’ll see that every step will be a snap! Step 4. Advantages vs. Disadvantages of Option A Cover up the bottom half of the Decision-Making Tool with a piece of paper so you can only see the advantages and disadvantages of Option A. I want you to ignore Option B right now. Pretend, for the moment, that Option B does not exist. Now weigh the advantages against the disadvantages of Option A on a 100-point scale. Ask yourself whether the advantages or disadvantages of Option A are greater. Put two numbers in circles 1 and 2 that add up to 100. If the Advantages seem greater, put the higher number in left hand circle (circle 1) and the lower number in the right-hand circle (circle 2.) For example, you might put 60 in circle 1 and 40 in circle 2. If the Advantages and Disadvantages seem about the same, you can put 50 / 50 in the two circles. If the Disadvantages are greater, you can put the higher number in circle 2. For example, you might put 35 circle 1 and 65 in circle 2. Remember that one strong advantage will sometimes outweigh several less important disadvantages, or vice versa. So, it’s not about the number of items, but how meaningful they are to you. Take objective and subjective factors into account. Facts are important, but your feelings are also important. In addition, don’t obsess or worry about getting it right. You can change your weightings later on. The first time you use this tool, you can just try to get a feel for how it works without feeling like anything is written in stone.

Page 23 Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own.

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A  1. Drinking interferes with my sleep. 1. Drinking is relaxing and fun. 2. Escape from anxiety, stress, conflict, and anger. 2. Wake up with a hangover. 3. Life is hard, and drinking is my reward. 3. Health problems, high blood pressure. 4. Helps me fit in with friends who drink. 4. I’m drinking more and more. 5. Makes parties and holidays more fun. 5. Problems in my marriage. 6. It’s the best thing in my life! 6. Wife refuses sex when I’m plastered. 7. I like “living on the edge” and being a “bad boy.” 7. I pass out and don’t even see the game I’m watching 8. I can rebel against people who try to control me. on TV. How fun can that be? 9. Sporting events on TV are more fun. 8. Weight gain. When I drink, I eat! 10. Drinking lowers my inhibitions. 9. Less time with kids, always drinking. 11. Sex is more exciting. 10. Not performing well at work. 12. Drinking is legal and easy. 11. Poor sexual functioning, impotence. 12. Impaired immune system. 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! 9 1 2 10 13. Less time with things I love. 14. It’s my right to drink! 50 50 14. Auto accidents. 15. Social life is reduced. 16. Guilt and shame. 17. Feel out of control.

5 7 18. Loss of self-respect. a. 1. Better sleep. 1. Have to fight cravings. 2. Anxious at social gatherings. 2. Can lose weight. 6 8 3. Better health. 3. Irritable. 4. Increased self-esteem. 4. No fun every night. 5. More energy. 5. Life becomes dreary. 6. Wife wins. 6. Better concentration. 7. Better marriage. 7. Miss the taste of beer. 11 3 4 12 8. I can say I did it! 8. Nothing to look forward to. 9. Greater enjoyment of sporting events on TV. 9. Feel deprived. 10. More time for family. 10. I’m giving in, I’ve lost! 11. More time for the things I enjoy. 11. I’ve become a goody two-shoes. 12. Sense of pride all day long! 12. Can’t hang out with friends who drink, since I’ll give in to 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! social pressures and drink. 14. More sex. 13. Loss of my best friend! 15. Make wife happy. 14. Life becomes a drudgery of work and deprivation. 16. Good role model / increased respect. 15. May feel controlled and resentful. 17. Time for other pursuits and interests.

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 24 Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own.

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A  1. Drinking is relaxing and fun. 1. Drinking interferes with my sleep. 2. Escape from anxiety, stress, conflict, and anger. 2. Wake up with a hangover. 3. Life is hard, and drinking is my reward. 3. Health problems, high blood pressure. 4. Helps me fit in with friends who drink. 4. I’m drinking more and more. 5. Makes parties and holidays more fun. 5. Problems in my marriage. 6. It’s the best thing in my life! 6. Wife refuses sex when I’m plastered. 7. I like “living on the edge” and being a “bad boy.” 7. I pass out and don’t even see the game I’m watching 8. I can rebel against people who try to control me. on TV. How fun can that be? 9. Sporting events on TV are more fun. 8. Weight gain. When I drink, I eat! 10. Drinking lowers my inhibitions. 9. Less time with kids, always drinking. 11. Sex is more exciting. 10. Not performing well at work. 12. Drinking is legal and easy. 11. Poor sexual functioning, impotence. 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! 9 1 2 10 12. Impaired immune system. 13. Less time with things I love. 14. It’s my right to drink! 50 50 14. Auto accidents. 15. Social life is reduced. 16. Guilt and shame. 17. Feel out of control. 5 7 18. Loss of self-respect. a. 1. Better sleep. 1. Have to fight cravings. 2. Anxious at social gatherings. 2. Can lose weight. 6 8 3. Better health. 3. Irritable. 4. Increased self-esteem. 4. No fun every night. 5. More energy. 5. Life becomes dreary. 6. Better concentration. 40 60 6. Wife wins. 7. Miss the taste of beer. 7. Better marriage. 11 3 4 12 8. I can say I did it! 8. Nothing to look forward to. 9. Greater enjoyment of sporting events on TV. 9. Feel deprived. 10. More time for family. 10. I’m giving in, I’ve lost! 11. More time for the things I enjoy. 11. I’ve become a goody two-shoes. 12. Sense of pride all day long! 12. Can’t hang out with friends who drink, since I’ll give in to 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! social pressures and drink. 14. More sex. 13. Loss of my best friend! 15. Make wife happy. 14. Life becomes a drudgery of work and deprivation. 16. Good role model / increased respect. 15. May feel controlled and resentful. 17. Time for other pursuits and interests.

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 25 Difficult Decisions Page 26

One other point—make sure you do this on paper. Don’t try to do it in your head. That will be way too hard! You’ll get frustrated and confused and give up! Then you’ll miss out on some potentially incredible discoveries that are awaiting you! On page 24, you can see how Tyrone weighed the Advantages and Disadvantages of Option A—drinking as much as he wanted whenever he wanted. As you can see, it was really close, so he put a 50 in circle 1 and a 50 in circle 2. If Tyrone had only done a Cost-Benefit Analysis of the Advantages vs. the Disadvantages of drinking, he would have been stuck, since there didn’t appear to be any particularly compelling reasons to quit. This is exactly why lots of people can’t seem to give up their habits and addictions. You may have some thoughts about change from time to time—giving up alcohol in this situation—but you can’t come up with any really good reasons to do that! Am I right? But there may be some surprises to come! Step 5. Advantages vs. Disadvantages of Option B Cover up the top half of the Decision-Making Tool with a piece of paper so you can only see the advantages and disadvantages of Option B. I want you to ignore Option A right now. Pretend, for the moment, that Option A does not exist. Now weigh the advantages against the disadvantages of Option B on a 100-point scale, just as you did for Option A. Put two numbers in circles 3 and 4 that add up to 100. If the Advantages of Option B seem greater, put the higher number in circle 3. If the Disadvantages seem greater, put the higher number in circle 4. If they feel about the same, you can put 50 in both circles, as Tyrone did for Option A. If you look on page 25, you see that Tyrone put 40 60 in the two circles, since the disadvantages of total abstinence clearly outweighed the advantages. Note, once again, that if Tyrone had been thinking about giving up alcohol, he never would have done so, since the option was not appealing and involved the loss of many things he greatly valued. But, as I’ve mentioned, we’re not done yet. It’s about to get more interesting. Step 6. Advantages of Option A vs. Advantages of Option B Now cover the right half of the paper so you can weigh the Advantages of Option A with the Advantages of Option B. When you do this, pretend that there are no disadvantages to either option. Simply ask yourself, "Which advantages seem greater? Which benefits feel more desirable to me?" Put two numbers that add up to 100 in circles 5 and 6. Assign the larger number to the set of advantages that feels greater. I want you to decide whether the advantages of Option A or Option B seem more rewarding, assuming there are no disadvantages to either option.

Page 26

Habits and Addictions Page 27

On page28, you can see that Tyrone decided that the advantages of Option B (total abstinence) were actually greater than the advantages of Option A (continuing to drink as much as he wanted whenever he wanted), so he put a 40 in circle 5 and a 60 in circle 6. Notice that things are beginning to shift. The previous comparisons only involved Advantages vs. Disadvantages of both options, and his motivation to stop drinking did not increase at all. But when we removed the Disadvantages from the picture, the benefits of becoming a non-drinker suddenly emerged as quite a bit stronger than expected. Next, we’ll see what happens when we remove the Advantages from the picture and focus on the Disadvantages. Keep in mind that there are no “correct” ways to weigh these options. It’s totally up to you, and everyone will weight things differently. You’re in charge. If you want, you can repeat your analyses later on and you might come to a completely different conclusion. We’ll discuss that later. Step 7. Disadvantages of Option A vs. Disadvantages of Option B Now we’ll remove the Advantages from the equation and compare the Disadvantages. This can also be interesting! Cover up the left half of the Decision-Making Tool so you can compare the disadvantages of both options. Pretend there are no Advantages for either option, and ask yourself, "Which disadvantages seem greater? Which costs feel greater to me?" Put two numbers that add up to 100 in circles 7 and 8 on the right side of the Decision-Making Tool. Assign the larger number to the disadvantages that feel the worst. As you can see on page28, Tyrone felt that the disadvantages of Option A (drinking) were significantly greater than the disadvantages of Option B (abstinence), so he put a 70 in circle 7 and a 30 in circle 8. I promised you that this would be fairly easy if you just did it step-by-step. Have I been right so far? Has anything been confusing or difficult to understand? Step 8. Total Points for Option A Now we come to the interesting part. We’re going to calculate the total score for the advantages of Option A and the total score for the disadvantages of Option A. Take a close look at the upper left-hand quadrant of the Decision-Making Tool on page 28, the area for the Advantages of Option A. You will see that the two circles in the upper left-hand corner contain a 50 (in circle 1) and a 40 (in circle 5). You’ll also see circle 9, which has not yet been filled in. Circle 9 is where you put the total score for the advantages of Option A. If you add up the numbers in circles 1 and 5 (50 + 40 = 90), you’ll have the total score for the Advantages of Option A.

Page 27 Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own.

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A 

1. Drinking is relaxing and fun. 1. Drinking interferes with my sleep. 2. Escape from anxiety, stress, conflict, and anger. 2. Wake up with a hangover. 3. Life is hard, and drinking is my reward. 3. Health problems, high blood pressure. 4. Helps me fit in with friends who drink. 4. I’m drinking more and more. 5. Makes parties and holidays more fun. 5. Problems in my marriage. 6. It’s the best thing in my life! 6. Wife refuses sex when I’m plastered. 7. I like “living on the edge” and being a “bad boy.” 7. I pass out and don’t even see the game I’m watching 8. I can rebel against people who try to control me. on TV. How fun can that be? 9. Sporting events on TV are more fun. 8. Weight gain. When I drink, I eat! 10. Drinking lowers my inhibitions. 9. Less time with kids, always drinking. 11. Sex is more exciting. 10. Not performing well at work. 12. Drinking is legal and easy. 11. Poor sexual functioning, impotence. 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! 9 1 2 10 12. Impaired immune system. 13. Less time with things I love. 14. It’s my right to drink! 50 50 14. Auto accidents. 15. Social life is reduced. 16. Guilt and shame. 5 40 75 7 17. Feel out of control. 18. Loss of self-respect. a. 1. Better sleep. 1. Have to fight cravings. 2. Anxious at social gatherings. 2. Can lose weight. 6 60 25 8 3. Better health. 3. Irritable. 4. Increased self-esteem. 4. No fun every night. 5. More energy. 5. Life becomes dreary. 6. Wife wins. 6. Better concentration. 40 60 7. Better marriage. 7. Miss the taste of beer. 11 3 4 12 8. I can say I did it! 8. Nothing to look forward to. 9. Greater enjoyment of sporting events on TV. 9. Feel deprived. 10. More time for family. 10. I’m giving in, I’ve lost! 11. More time for the things I enjoy. 11. I’ve become a goody two-shoes. 12. Sense of pride all day long! 12. Can’t hang out with friends who drink, since I’ll give in to 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! social pressures and drink. 14. More sex. 13. Loss of my best friend! 15. Make wife happy. 14. Life becomes a drudgery of work and deprivation. 16. Good role model / increased respect. 15. May feel controlled and resentful. 17. Time for other pursuits and interests.

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 28

Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A Drink as much as I want whenever I want. -35 B Stop drinking entirely and see if I can do it on my own. +15

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A 

1. Drinking is relaxing and fun. 1. Drinking interferes with my sleep. 2. Escape from anxiety, stress, conflict, and anger. 2. Wake up with a hangover. 3. Life is hard, and drinking is my reward. 3. Health problems, high blood pressure. 4. Helps me fit in with friends who drink. 4. I’m drinking more and more. 5. Makes parties and holidays more fun. 5. Problems in my marriage. 6. It’s the best thing in my life! 6. Wife refuses sex when I’m plastered. 7. I like “living on the edge” and being a “bad boy.” 7. I pass out and don’t even see the game I’m watching 8. I can rebel against people who try to control me. on TV. How fun can that be? 9. Sporting events on TV are more fun. 8. Weight gain. When I drink, I eat! 10. Drinking lowers my inhibitions. 9. Less time with kids, always drinking. 11. Sex is more exciting. 10. Not performing well at work. 12. Drinking is legal and easy. 11. Poor sexual functioning, impotence. 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! 9 1 2 10 12. Impaired immune system. 13. Less time with things I love. 14. It’s my right to drink! 90 50 50 125 14. Auto accidents. 15. Social life is reduced. 16. Guilt and shame. 17. Feel out of control. 5 40 75 7 18. Loss of self-respect. a. 1. Better sleep. 1. Have to fight cravings. 2. Anxious at social gatherings. 2. Can lose weight. 6 60 25 8 3. Better health. 3. Irritable. 4. Increased self-esteem. 4. No fun every night. 5. More energy. 5. Life becomes dreary. 6. Better concentration. 100 40 60 85 6. Wife wins. 7. Miss the taste of beer. 7. Better marriage. 11 3 4 12 8. I can say I did it! 8. Nothing to look forward to. 9. Greater enjoyment of sporting events on TV. 9. Feel deprived. 10. More time for family. 10. I’m giving in, I’ve lost! 11. More time for the things I enjoy. 11. I’ve become a goody two-shoes. 12. Sense of pride all day long! 12. Can’t hang out with friends who drink, since I’ll give in to 13. I LOVE the taste of beer! social pressures and drink. 14. More sex. 13. Loss of my best friend! 15. Make wife happy. 14. Life becomes a drudgery of work and deprivation. 16. Good role model / increased respect. 15. May feel controlled and resentful. 17. Time for other pursuits and interests.

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

Page 29

Difficult Decisions Page 30

As you can see on page 29, Tyrone put 90 in circle 9. You’ll be doing the same thing when you work with your own Decision-Making Tool. This is probably the hardest step, but as I promised, it is really pretty easy if you concentrate and just do one thing at a time. You can calculate the total score for the disadvantages of Option A in exactly the same way. The total score for the disadvantages of Option A is the sum of the numbers in circles 2 and 7 (50 + 75 = 125) in the upper right-hand quadrant of the form, so Tyrone put 125 in circle 10, as you can see on page 29. To get the total points for Option A, you simply subtract the total disadvantages for Option A in circle 10 (125) from the total advantages for Option A in circle 9 (80). That’s because the Advantages are positive, and the Disadvantages are negative. Do you remember from middle school how to subtract? You can do it like this: Total Points for Option A 90 (the advantages score in circle 9) -125 (the disadvantages score in circle 10) -35 Total

You can that Tyrone recorded -35 at the top of the Decision-Making Tool under the Total Points for Option A. Suddenly, Option A doesn’t look very appealing! But we’re still not done. Step 9. Total Points for Option B Now let’s see what’s up for Option B, total abstinence. We’ll go through the exact same procedure. If you look in the lower left-hand quadrant on page 29, you’ll see that the two values for the Advantages of Option B are 60 (in circle 6) and 40 (in circle 3). Tyrone added them up and put 100 in circle 11. This was the total for the Advantages of Option B. Similarly, you can see that the totals for the disadvantages of Option were 60 (in circle 4) and 25 (in circle 8). Tyrone added them up and put 85 in circle 12. This was the total for the Disadvantages of Option B. Now you can see that the total points for the Advantages of Option B are 100 (in circle 11) and the total points for the Disadvantages of Option B are 85 (in circle 12). Now, how will we get the total points for Option B? You simply subtract the Disadvantages (85) from the Advantages (100), just like we did before. Here’s the calculation: Total Points for Option A 100 (the advantages score in circle 11) -85 (the disadvantages score in circle 12) +15 Total

Difficult Decisions Page 31

As you can see, Tyrone put +15 at the top of the Decision-Making Tool under the Total Points for Option A, as you can see on page 29. Step 10. Results Now we've come to the fun, easy and interesting part. We're ready to put everything together so that Tyrone can see what option is the more desirable. All Tyrone has to do is compare the total points for Option A (-35) with the total points for Option B (+15). As you can see on page 31, Option B was clearly superior, and there were actually 50 points of separation.

The beauty of this method is that what appeared to be a difficult decision turned out to be a fairly obvious one. If Tyrone had examined these options separately, without using the Decision-Making Tool, he would have concluded that there was no reason to quit and he would have kept drinking. That’s because when he initially balanced the Advantages and Disadvantages of Option A, unlimited drinking, they came out 50 / 50, so there was no compelling reason to change. And believe me, you’re NOT going to give up your favorite habit without a compelling reason! When Tyrone initially balanced the Advantages and Disadvantages of Option B, total abstinence, it came out 40 / 60, which seemed very negative. So, he’s obviously not going to give up drinking based on that comparison!

Unlimited Drinking vs. Total Abstinence

Option A: Option B: Drinking Abstinence -35 +15

+10

-10 50 Points

-20

-30

-40

Difficult Decisions Page 32

But when he completed his analysis with the help of the Decision-Making Tool, abstinence suddenly appeared to be much more desirable than unlimited drinking, which appeared like a losing proposition. The comparison of two options in context will often put things in an entirely different perspective. Remember that Tyrone has only compared the first two of the five options he listed, and there were three more, including controlled drinking, joining a support group like AA, or finding an addiction counselor. He may want to use the Decision-Making Tool again, so he can compare one of those options with the current “winner.” In addition, your thinking can change a great deal from time to time. You may think of advantages or disadvantages of your options that had slipped out of your mind. You can add them and do another analysis. This may change a lot. You’re in control, and no one is trying to trap you or sell you anything. At least, I’m not! The Decision-Making Tool is not intended to make your decision for you, and it will not show you what the single most “correct” decision is. It simply shows how you're feeling at a particular point in time and helps you sort out your options more systematically. Step 9. Interpretation When you use the Decision-Making Tool, many interesting patterns can emerge. Four of the more common patterns are: • No Brainer / Slam Dunk • Can't Lose • Can't Win • Fence Sitter No Brainer / Slum Dunk. Sometimes, one option will be strongly positive, and the other option will be strongly negative. This decision is usually easy and obvious because one of your options is way better than the other option. The total score for either option can range between -200 and +200. In Tyrone’s case, one option was mildly positive (abstinence was +15) and the other option was moderately negative (unlimited drinking was -35), so there was a 50-point separation between the two options. Although Option B was the clear winner, I would not classify this as a slam dunk because the winning score for Option B was only a little above zero. Can't Lose. Here, the total scores for both options are moderately to strongly positive. For example, the total score for one Option could be +65 and the total score for the other option could be +60. What do you do? In this case, it probably won't make any difference which option you choose because they both look good.

Difficult Decisions Page 33

For example, Tyrone did a second comparison of total abstinence with an experimental trial of controlled drinking. Controlled drinking came out +85 and total abstinence was +60—both strongly positive. So he decided to try controlled drinking for a month. It was a great experiment because he was drinking heavily by the end of the month. Based on his experience, he joined AA and stopped drinking entirely. He later contacted me and said he’d become incredibly happy, although he still felt tempted to drink from time to time, which is understandable. Can't Win. In this pattern, the total scores for both options are negative. This is the opposite of the can't lose pattern. An example would be if your total score for Option A was -75 and the total score for Option B was -40. When both scores are negative, it feels like anything you do will be bad. It seems like you can't win, no matter what you do. When both options look bad, it may be because you're depressed and distorting things in a negative way. In can't win patterns, doing a Daily Mood Log can often be helpful. You may be able to pinpoint and challenge the distortions in your thoughts about one or both options. I’ll give you an example of this in a few pages. In addition, there may be other more favorable options that you haven’t considered. Fence Sitter. In a fence sitter, the total scores for both options are around zero. In this case, neither option appears to have much to offer. There are different reasons you can end up with both scores around zero. • High-energy impasse: In a high-energy impasse, both options have strong positive and negative consequences that balance each other out. You're excited about the benefits of both options, but you're also worried about the drawbacks of both options. • Low-energy impasse: In a low-energy impasse, you don't feel very strongly about the advantages or disadvantages of either option. At the start of the chapter, I promised to show you how to use this powerful tool for any difficult decision you’ve been agonizing about. It’s not just for habits and addictions. I’ll give you a couple examples involving difficult romantic problems. I once treated a gorgeous blond woman named Irene who was engaged to a dashing, high-ranking Iranian government official. They were deeply in love, a story-book romance, but there was a problem. She was from a prominent New York Jewish family and he was a devout Muslim. In addition, he wanted her to live with him in Iran following their wedding. To make matters worse, her parents were prominent supporters of Israel. A huge wedding was planned at a posh hotel in Manhattan, but there was tension in the air. Irene came to me a month before her wedding, torn with indecision and flooded with anxiety. Although she loved her fiancé dearly, she was extremely torn by the extreme cultural and religious differences. She was also afraid of the intense

Difficult Decisions Page 34 potential political conflicts between America and Iran, and was terrified about living in Iran. I helped Irene fill out the Decision-Making Tool in the office. Option A was getting married, and Option B was breaking off the engagement. Option B came out as clearly superior. In fact, it was in the Slam Dunk territory. Irene felt enormous relief but also felt sad about calling off her wedding to the man she loved so much. I reminded her that her decision did not have to be final and suggested that she could sleep on it and use the Decision-Making Tool again in the morning to see if she came to the same decision. She called me the next morning to let me know what had happened. She explained that after sleeping on it, she decided to use the Decision-Making Tool again and it came out in the opposite direction. Getting married was a huge positive and breaking up was a huge negative. She said she’d suddenly changed her mind and decided to get married after all, and felt totally happy, excited, and at peace. This often happens when you use the Decision-Making Tool, and it's a perfectly acceptable part of the decision-making process. It will get you unstuck and move you forward, but sometimes your direction will change unexpectedly, which is fine! The Decision-Making Tool allows you to list all the thoughts and circumstances that are fueling your conflicting emotions when you’re having a hard time making up your mind. Once you figure out what advantages and disadvantages feel really true and important to you, it is often easier to make a decision and come to peace with it. I mentioned that one of the possible outcomes when you use the Decision- Making Tool is the “Can’t Win” result. That’s when both of your options look dreadful. When both options look intensely bad, it may be because you're depressed and distorting everything in a negative way. In Can't-Win patterns, cognitive therapy can often be helpful. I once treated a man named Paul who was trying to decide whether to get divorced (Option A) or stay married (Option B). Paul had a strong desire to get divorced, so Option A had many advantages. But at the same time, Paul was convinced that his friends and family would look down on him and resent him if he got divorced, so the disadvantages of this option were also great. When he completed the Decision-Making Tool, the total points for Option A came out to be strongly negative (-125). At the same time, staying married was also strongly negative. Paul and his wife fought constantly. He was clear that he had no desire whatsoever to try to resolve their problems or get closer to her. He clearly wanted out. As a result, the total points for Option B also came out to be strongly negative (-110). When you’re in a “Can’t Win” situation, it might be because of distorted thinking about one or both options. Could it be that Paul was looking at things in an unrealistically negative manner? When Paul thought about getting divorced, he

Difficult Decisions Page 35 had this Negative Thought: "I'll lose all my friends and the respect of my family if Jennie and I get divorced." This thought contained several familiar distortions, including all-or-nothing thinking, mind-reading, fortune telling, and emotional reasoning. Although getting divorced is a disappointment and a loss, Paul didn’t have any evidence that he’d lose all of his friends if he left Jennie. Paul used the Survey Technique and told several of his closest friends that his marriage was not going well and asked what they'd think of him if he and Jennie got divorced. He was surprised to discover that several of them were also experiencing marital problems and didn't feel at all judgmental. All of them said they were aware of the situation and his unhappiness and would definitely support his decision. This was a huge relief and he use the Decision-Making Tool again. This time, it was a slam dunk for divorce, so he left his wife. Sadly, I can’t tell you that every problem has a story-book ending, or that every marriage can be saved. The Decision-Making Tool will never impose any decision on you. It will show what you want, and what will work for you. Distorted thinking is not the only reason that you might find yourself in a Can't- Win situation. When both options are negative, there will sometimes be other options you haven't considered. For example, Paul might want to consider doing some couples’ therapy with Jennie or initiating a trial separation for several months. Paul compared these options with getting divorced but decided that he really did want to leave his wife. I’ve included an additional blank copy of the Decision-Making Tool on page 36, along with a one-page summary of the instructions on page 37. If you photocopy the Decision-Making Tool so you'll have one available whenever you need it.

Decision-Making Tool

Option Describe Total Points A B

Advantages of Option A  Disadvantages of Option A 

9 1 2 10

5 7

6 8

11 3 4 12

Advantages of Option B  Disadvantages of Option B 

(Instructions on reverse) 101 Ways Page 37

Decision-Making Tool: Brief Instructions Make a list of all your options and choose the best two. Call them Option A and Option B and write them at the top of the Decision-Making Tool. Then list all the advantages and disadvantages for both options in the appropriate columns. Option A: Cover the bottom half of the sheet and think exclusively about Option A. Compare the advantages and disadvantages. Which seem greater? Put two numbers that total 100 in circles 1 and 2. If the advantages and disadvantages seem about the same, put a 50 in each circle. Option B: Now cover the top half of the sheet so you can think exclusively about Option B. Repeat the procedure you used for Option A. Put two numbers that total 100 in circles 3 and 4. Advantages Comparison: Now cover the right half of the sheet so you can compare the advantages of Options A and B. Ignore the disadvantages of each option. Put two numbers totaling 100 in circles 5 and 6. The option with the more desirable list of advantages gets the higher number. Disadvantages Comparison: Cover the left half of the sheet and concentrate on the disadvantages of Options A and B. Ignore the advantages. Put two numbers totaling 100 in circles 7 and 8. Assign the higher number to the disadvantages that seem worse. Calculations Advantages of Option A: The numbers in circles 1 and 5 are the advantages of Option A. Add these two numbers, and put the total in circle 9. Disadvantages of Option A: The numbers in circles 2 and 7 are the disadvantages of Option A. Add these two numbers, and put the total in circle 10. Total Score for Option A: Subtract the number in circle 10 from the number in circle 9. It could be a negative or positive number. Record this number at the top of the page (Total Points for Option A). It will be between -200 and + 100. Advantages of Option B: The numbers in circles 3 and 6 represent the advantages of Option B. Add them together and put the total in circle 11. Disadvantages of Option B: The numbers in circles 4 and 8 are the disadvantages of Option B. Add them together and put the total in circle 12. Total for Option B: Subtract the number in circle 12 from the number in circle 11. Record this number at the top of the at the top of the page (Total Points for Option B). It will also be between -200 and + 100. Making the Decision Compare the total points for Option A and Option B. The option with the more positive number is more desirable. • If one option is strongly positive and the other is strongly negative, your decision is a "no brainer." • If both numbers are positive, this is a "can't lose" decision. • If both numbers are negative, it's a "can't win" decision. • If both numbers are around zero, it’s a “fence sitter.” A variety of other interesting patterns may also emerge. Remember that when you use the Decision- Making Tool, you don't have to feel trapped or locked in by the results. You can fill it out on several occasions until you feel comfortable with your decision.

(Instructions on reverse)