The Circus Was in Town

The Circus Was In Town

ISBN: 9789402194128

DEDICATION

For Thera, whose smile I remember every day.

The circus was in town. The posters were the first signs that made me aware of that: bright yellow print with red lettering and in the middle an elephant, its trunk curled, beady eyes looking at the viewer. The elephant was surrounded by six white horses, on their heads a red, fluffy plume. This was the early 1990’s, when animal rights organizations hadn’t yet won their battles and the circus with live animals didn’t realize that its glory days would soon be over. In the upper right corner of the poster was an image of a girl swinging from a trapeze. The trapeze seemed to be hanging from the big, red letter S. Over the next couple of days, glossy brochures popped up in the local stores, where you could also buy tickets to see the shows: six evening performances and three matinees. In the grocery store where I had a weekend job manning the register, I grabbed one of the brochures and brought it home to show my parents. I was 15 at the time, turning 16 in a couple of weeks. I considered myself a bit too old for the circus, but something in the poster had struck a chord and made me feel like I was a young kid again. Fortunately, my brother was six years younger than I was. He would be

1 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN the perfect excuse to go. We all went: my parents, my brother, and I. We rode our bikes to the town’s festival terrain; the large, open spot surrounded by trees where all big events were held. Since the 50’s, the town had stuck almost religiously to a schedule that had a line-up throughout the year: the circus in the spring, the carnival in the summer, the concert in the fall, and the winter market and ice rink when the days were short. It was early evening and when we got to the terrain, dusk had set in. The grounds were lit by thousands of light bulbs, the ones that seem mandatory for carnivals and circuses, and the hustle and bustle of people arriving by bike or on foot made for an exciting, longing atmosphere. We put our bikes in the racks with the other bikes and walked over to the big circus tent that had planted itself smack in the middle of the festival terrain. It was almost completely dark now, making the lights seem more magical. Shadows of people danced on the canvas of the big tent and faces became abstract in the yellow light. We passed the smaller tents, trailers, and cages of the circus on our way to the big top. The animals in the cages were restless. They too felt the excitement of the crowd and seemed a bit uneasy in their confined spaces. Two giant torches lit the big entrance, where two lines had formed. One for people with tickets, one for people that still needed to buy them at the box office. My parents had not bought tickets yet, so we ended up in the queue that led to the brightly coloured booth where an older lady was selling them. The line-up for the booth seemed long to me, as I saw on my right the other line moving swiftly towards the entrance. Would we be able to still get tickets? My heart pounded, and I got a bit restless. I glanced at my brother, the 9-year-old with no idea that tickets could be sold out. He was looking at the lights and people in amazement, with his childish curiosity and not a worry

2 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN on his mind. I got annoyed at him for not seeing the possibility of us having to turn home again after the lady would politely, but firmly say “Those were the last tickets, I’m sorry.” Why this restlessness, this feeling of all importance came over me, I didn’t know. Why was I, the almost 16- year-old, who was doing well at school, had skipped a grade and dreamed of a career as a physician, so eager to go to the circus? The circus, of all places, that childish entertainment where kids and simple folk laughed at silly clowns, dogs on barrels, and performers balancing on elephants. I usually rather spent my evenings reading a book – preferably something that made me feel interesting, like Shakespeare or one of the literary classics from the 18th and 19th century. Of course, I watched television, but at that young age I had an Opinion about television and a disdain for the mindless entertainment that was shown on it. I was turning into a bit of a snob, I’ll admit, as the only one in my family destined for university. My father had been a shop assistant in a clothes store all of his life, my mother a stay-at-home mom, who did some part-time administrative work for the local elementary school. My brother Nils who, although he was only 9, was not doing well at school and was more interested hanging out at the garage at the end of our street, where he would pay much more attention to the workings of cars than he would ever do to teachers explaining math and language arts. At the age of 15, almost 16, I had decided to distance myself a bit from that family of underwhelming prestige and make something of myself: high school, university, then become a physician. But first, deal with this strange urge to see the circus. One evening, enjoy it, and back on track. We came to the booth and the lady told us there were still tickets left. Some good seats as well, pretty close to

3 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN the rink. I instantly felt relief. We were in! My parents led the way and gave my brother and I the glossy program for the show. We walked through the dim corridor leading to the bleachers. I can still smell the scent of people, popcorn, and animals that heavily hung in the stagnant air. I don’t remember if my parents bought us drinks and candy – although, probably not, thinking back at the frugality my mother always had observed, carefully weighing how to spend my father’s hard earned, but meagre salary. Buying tickets for the circus was already a rare luxury. Then, the air cleared as we stepped into the dome of the big tent as friendly staff ushered us to our seats. I was impressed with the sheer height of the tent. It almost looked bigger on the inside – I now come to think the circus is where the writers of the television show ‘Dr. Who’ must have gotten the idea for the rather small telephone box that, on the inside, harbours the giant interior of a time travelling spaceship. The bleachers were already packed with people, but in that sea of human activity, I could not recognize anyone. Only the next day I heard a couple of kids from my class had been there the same night and saw me, waved at me, but I wasn’t aware of them. I looked up. High in the top of the tent, between the dozens of theatre lights, there was some activity: circus workers who adjusted the lights and the swing of the trapeze. Impressed by so much dare, to be so high up, I walked into my father. “Careful, Lars,” he said in his soft, friendly voice, “Our seats are here. You sit next to Nils, and your mother and I will sit over there.” We only just sat down as the lights dimmed and a spotlight turned on. The circus orchestra played and the ringmaster, classically dressed in his top hat and red velvet tailcoat, started his announcements. I don’t remember much after that. I think there were clowns, an act with the six white horses parading through the rink.

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Was there an elephant? I couldn’t tell you, although there must have been, because there was one on the poster after all. All I can remember now from the show was sitting next to my brother in that dark part of the tent surrounded by masses of people. Only one of the performances is etched into my memory: the trapeze act. I had read a little in my program about the trapeze act. It was performed by a troupe of Croatian acrobats, who were part of the same family. The program showed images of this family during rehearsals, but before I could take a good look, the ringmaster announced the trapeze act. The lights were turned down completely; the audience fell silent for a moment. A drumroll sounded, the music of the orchestra swelled as the lights came on again and there, high above us, was the group of acrobats: strong looking men and women in glittery leotards. The men, all but one dark haired and muscled, looked stern. The women, who had their hair in buns and their faces painted with glittery make-up, appeared to be fairies. I could count five men and three women. The group started their performance. They were swaying from the ropes, ladders, and swings as if gravity didn’t exist. The music was pounding, just a bit too loud, but enforcing the effect of the spectacle. “And now,” the ringmaster announced, “for the final feat.” The acrobats took their places to prepare for whatever the final piece would be. My mind wandered a bit to the homework for Language Arts that was due the next day – a short, two-page summary of Defoe’s A Journal of the Plague Year. Then a bright spotlight shone on the centre of the top of the tent. From the roof, a girl was lowered down on a swing. The audience applauded. Hundreds of red sequins sparkled on the girl’s outfit. The same hair-in-a-bun as the other female acrobats but revealing a face that was much younger. My

5 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN eyes were glued to this red angel, who looked so young, yet so confident. A short pang of jealousy went through my body in admiration of so much self-assurance. I didn’t consider myself a very confident person. As I said, I did well in school, better than anyone in my family ever had done. I had formed opinions and judgements based on the person I would like to be. I wanted to be a well-off doctor, admired by friend and foe, with money to spend and wisdom to share with the world. I was very confident I would get there but knew in my heart I had not yet arrived. To compensate for my own insecurity, I adopted an air of knowing it all and a cockiness that, in hindsight, I am not proud of. But it did mask the inner Lars and at first served me well to reach the goals I had set out for myself, although, as I see now, causing hurt to people I should have held more closely. Olivia Novavesna (16), I read in the program. She was the youngest sprout of the Novavesna family tree of acrobats. The family had been in the circus for three generations and was proud to introduce their newest member, Olivia. She descended elegantly on her swing to the level where the other acrobats were. Did I imagine it, or did she really look my way for a split second? Of course, I had imagined it. The performers were 30 feet off the ground, the audience consisted of hundreds of people, and the safety net was obscuring the view. But still, it seemed to me she threw one short, heavenly, glance my way. I was hooked, I was sold, and I was in love. The final act was amazing. The acrobats flying through the air, catching and throwing each other, when at last, they all landed on top of each other, forming a human pyramid. Olivia was the final one on the swing. Drum rolls sounded. As one man, the audience held its breath. I looked up in adoration, my heart pounding, and my mind dizzy with yearning to be included in this divine being’s life. Back and forth she went until the

6 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN moment was perfect. She let go and the slender figure floated through space, trailed by a mist of talcum powder and red glittering sequins. I looked as I had never looked at a live girl before; the daring look of the adolescent boy who thumbs through the mail-order catalogue, searching for the lady’s underwear section. The catalogues at home had seen my gaze, but never had I dared look at a real girl that way. I looked at her, unashamed and protected by the dark anonymity of the audience on the bleachers. Strong hands of one of the male performers, the only one without dark hair, grabbed hold of her, swung her up high along the human pyramid, where she landed on top in perfect balance. One split-second she was adjusting her weight and then spreading her arms out in triumph. Her face was brimming with confidence, radiating powerful and in control. The audience let itself go now. A standing ovation, applause roared through the tent. I stumbled to my feet, joined in the orgasmic cheers. The performers came down from their stage up high to join the other members of the circus family, who had flooded the rink. One last parade of horses, clowns, dogs, and people – and I still don’t recall an elephant. We did have good seats; only five rows back from the rink. I could see Olivia’s face so well now. Between the ruckus of lights, animals, and people, she was my beacon. The edges of my vision blurred by floating sawdust, I only had eyes for her. And then she turned away. The circus parade left the rink. The last notes of the orchestra floated out of the tent. The magical theatre lights dimmed, and harsh work lights came on. The audience withdrew from ecstasy into their normal selves and started groping for their coats, guiding their children carefully from the bleachers into the cool night air. My family and I got to our bikes in the chaos that marks an audience leaving after a show. I don’t

7 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN remember much about the ride home, except that I noticed I didn’t have my copy of the program anymore. I started panicking about that and remember my, always practical, mom, reminding me the rest of the family had copies too. It was late when we got home, and we immediately were told to go to bed. I took my mom’s copy of the program with me to my room. “Lights out!” my dad called up the stairs. Being an avid reader – it was one of my favourite things to do when I couldn’t sleep – I kept a flashlight in the drawer next to my bed. I grabbed it, turned it on, and started leafing through the circus program under my covers. I immediately found the section where the trapeze performers were introduced. And there she was. In the family photo, taken at a rehearsal. She looked a bit younger still, but undeniably Olivia. She was also in another photo, showing the final act where she was on top of the human pyramid. That weird, but wonderful feeling of being in love warmed my heart. I wanted to see her again. Quickly I turned the pages of the booklet and found what I was looking for. On the last page, the performance schedule for the rest of the week was posted. Today was Thursday, so the circus only had two evenings and two afternoons of shows left in our town. I knew my parents would never buy tickets again, let alone just for me. We didn’t get much of an allowance at the time and what I made at the little grocery store on the corner of our street on Saturdays I almost always spent immediately at the bookstore next door. “Damn Dickens and Defoe!” I thought. It was not entirely true that I had no money at all. Half of what I made at Brimmer’s each week, I would set apart on a savings account, the rest I used as my spending money. The account was set up so it was hard to touch that money, as to let it generate as much interest as possible. There was a, rather significant, penalty to be paid if I got any of the money out before I

8 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN turned 18. These were my savings to go to university. Since my parents were not that fortunate in the money- department, I would need every penny of that savings account to get me through my studies without huge debts. Even if I had wanted to, and oh, I wanted to at that exact moment in time, the penalty alone was not worth it to get the petty cash I needed for a circus ticket. Fortunately, I was scheduled to work the register this Saturday, so I would earn enough to buy a ticket to the show on Saturday evening. Friday turned out to be a dreadfully long and boring day at school. I carried the circus program with me in my bag and glanced at Olivia’s picture whenever I could. I had Language Arts the last period of the day and, although it usually is one of my favourite subjects, I remember scrambling to get the homework for that done during lunch hour. It was definitely not my best work. Olivia was blocking all my thoughts and writing anything down about A Journal of the Plague Year seemed more gut wrenching to me than surviving the actual plague – I couldn’t care less if there was a plague on anyone’s houses. I managed to finish it, hand it in, and sit through the class until the final bell rang. Without saying goodbye to any of my friends, I jumped on my bike and raced towards the circus grounds, not knowing what I would do when getting there. The terrain where the circus had set up shop looked different during the day. Without the magical glow of the light bulbs and the nervous excitement of the crowds, it looked a lot more common. I saw the big top in the middle, surrounded by the messy arrangement of smaller tents, trailers, cages, and a lot of circus stuff. A whiff of ammoniac, evidence of animal urine, made my eyes water for a moment. Leading my bike by hand, I walked around the perimeter of the terrain until I heard some noises. A man shouting friendly orders, laughter, a cry of

9 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN triumph like something went well. I turned around the corner of a brightly painted truck and stopped dead in my tracks. I felt a rush of blood running to my cheeks. Not far from where I was standing, the group of trapeze artists was practising part of their final routine: the human pyramid. They were on the ground, jumping on a trampoline to reach the top of their pyramid. I saw three men and two women and one girl. My heart skipped a beat. Olivia! I quickly hid behind the truck, putting my bike against it, and slowly glancing back around the vehicle to look. Olivia was just about to run towards the trampoline. The men and women already formed two rows of the pyramid. Olivia would land on top. I saw her run and then jump on the trampoline. God, she was gorgeous. She floated through the air. “Who is this?” a deep voice behind me spoke, a heavy pair of hands landed on my shoulders. The hands turned me around and I was staring into the faces of two dark haired men. I recognized one of them from the photo in the circus program. Before I knew what was happening, four hands grabbed me and lifted me into the air, seemingly without effort. I tried to wriggle free, but the men were very strong. They carried me towards the group of acrobats, who now stopped their practise. The pyramid – Olivia had managed to land on top of it – elegantly broke apart and the men, women, and Olivia all stared in our direction. “Who’s that, dad?” Olivia said to the man I had recognized from the photo. “Don’t know, found him lurking behind the truck.” “Ivan, Marko, put him down immediately,” a female voice from the side said, “This is not funny; scaring the boy like that.” The men put me down and I looked at the woman who had just spoken. Her posture was resolute. Her face was friendly, though, but it felt like she was genuine in

10 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN berating the two men. And those sparkly light-brown eyes I had seen before in a photo; these looked exactly like Olivia’s eyes. The woman grinned, “Now that’s better. And who might you be?” I held out my hand to introduce myself. “My name is Lars, ma’am, Lars Winter.” The woman shook my stretched-out hand and said, “Nice to meet you Lars Winter, I am Hana Novavesna, and that man,” she pointed at the man she had addressed as Ivan, “is Ivan the Terrible, my husband.” She now laughed out loud and everybody else joined in. “He’s not so terrible when he’s behaving himself,” she added with a big smirk. “I am so sorry,” I began, “I didn’t mean to…” “Lurk,” Ivan said, folding his arms and putting up a stern face. This looked like a man whom I didn’t want to be on the wrong side of. “Intrude?” I managed, uncertain. This was getting uncomfortable quickly. I glanced sideways and looked right into Olivia’s slightly worried face. Blood immediately rushed to my cheeks. “You poor boy,” said Hana, “This is not how we normally welcome guests. Let’s start over.” She gently led me aside where some chairs were placed just outside the little area where the group had been practicing before. “Now, please have a seat and tell us why you are here, Lars Winter.” The rest of the acrobat family huddled closer and placed themselves on the remaining chairs and on the ground. Only Ivan and Marko kept their distance. I felt I had been transformed from spy to spectacle; a change I didn’t feel was exactly an upgrade. I just started talking. “Well, I went to see the show yesterday evening and really enjoyed it, especially you.”

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I didn’t mean to, but while saying that, I happened to look directly at Olivia. “You … all …” “Mayday, mayday, get on track with your words, Lars,” my inner voice screamed. “I really liked you all in the trapeze act, it was amazing,” I recovered nicely. No one seemed to have noticed my little faux pas, so I continued, “I just felt like going back today, just to soak up some more of that circus atmosphere.” “Isn’t that nice?” Hana said. “And you have come to the right people for some circus atmosphere. We have been working in the circus for generations. Let me introduce the rest of the family. Ivan, my husband, and his brother Marko you already know,” she said with a little wink towards me. “Ivan’s sister, Maja, her husband Oscar, and their son Boris. Then there is my sister in law Helen – she is British – and her son Ben, our other nephew.” Ben’s British blood now explained to me why he was the only man without the dark hair. She now moved towards Olivia. “And finally, my beautiful Olivia. You must have seen her in the show yesterday!” I nodded awkwardly. “Nice to meet you all.” They all answered something, I didn’t get half of it, but it sounded nice. “Now, let’s finish up our training, people, we have a show to do tonight,” Ivan said, while clapping his big hands, “Your layout catch was sloppy, Ben, I know it was your first time doing it in a show for a while yesterday, but you have to do better. I will walk you through it once more. The rest of you, do some stretching and cooling down, please.” As quickly as they all had taken an interest in me, they dispersed with equal speed. Ivan looked at me one

12 THE CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN more time before he was off. Was that loathing I was seeing in his eyes or just a little tough play? I couldn’t read him. “You can hang around for a bit, if you like,” Hana said, before striding off herself. And there I was, alone, sitting on a chair in the middle of a circus terrain. I wasn’t quite sure what had happened here, but, watching the Novavesna family busy with their work, I felt warm inside. Not knowing what to do next, I stood up after 10 minutes and casually started walking toward where I had left my bike. I took it from behind the truck and walked in the general direction of the road. I felt a bit lonely after so much attention, but grinned when I thought of the meet and greet with the circus family. “Wait up!” someone yelled behind me. When I turned to look, I saw Olivia running after me. A smile forced itself onto my face. “Leaving so soon?” she said when she had caught up with me. “I didn’t want to intrude even more than I already had,” I said sheepishly. She looked at me with her big, light-brown eyes. “OK, fair enough, but I thought you wanted to ‘soak up the circus atmosphere’,” she said while making little air quotes with her fingers. “Well, erm …” I mumbled. “Come on then!” Olivia took me by the hand and led me back to the circus terrain. I let my bike drop right there and expected to go back to her family. She guided me a different way, though, towards the animal cages on the other end of the grounds. I could hear sounds of rustling straw, nervous whinnying, and all kinds of animal sounds that wouldn’t have been out of place in a jungle, but I couldn’t put a finger on what animals made the sounds.

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Olivia started talking about the animals in the cages. She knew all of their names, how old they were, and how long they had been with the circus. She lingered with the white horses for a while. “These are my favourites. They are so cute! Hi Juno, aren’t you a good girl?” She was talking to one of the horses. From somewhere she conjured up a piece of peppermint and gave it to Juno. “She’s a bit complicated, but once you get to know her, she is really sweet. She loves a cuddle and if you knead her withers, like this, she completely relaxes.” And indeed, the horse, which at first had seemed a little nervous, now looked a bit stoned even while Olivia kneaded the low end of the horse’s neck, the spot that apparently was called ‘withers’. I made a mental note to learn about horses and their anatomy. “Here, you try it.” Olivia grabbed my hand and placed it on Juno’s withers. Juno turned her head towards me and sniffed. I started massaging and instantly Juno’s eyes became droopy again and her body seemed to relax. This was so cool. “She likes you,” said Olivia, “Good. Me too.” Before I could reply to that, Olivia chatted on. “This so rarely happens,” she said, “I mean, I meet people all the time, but they almost never hang out, you know? We are never long enough in one place to really get to know anybody. I have my friends at the circus, but, well, it’s not the same.” “It sounds very exciting to me,” I said. “Well, yes, it is and …” She paused. “It isn’t.” “Travelling all over the place, seeing different cities, doing shows full of adventure! That must be awesome! Nothing like the boring life I lead. Five days of school, weekend, five days of school.” “I go to school too, what do you think?” Olivia almost sounded insulted.

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“I guess I hadn’t thought about it,” I stammered. “Let me show you.” And off she went. I quickly followed Olivia, letting go of Juno’s withers. Behind me, Juno snorted, probably bummed that her massage time had come to an abrupt end. My memory must seem horrible, because I keep mentioning I don’t remember stuff. We saw the animal cages, and still I cannot seem to remember an elephant. We saw the rest of the circus terrain on our way to the trailer where the circus’ school was housed, but that didn’t stick either. The one thing I do recall lively is the enthusiasm with which Olivia showed me around. After leaving Juno, she ran ahead of me. When I close my eyes, I see it clearly in my mind. She was still wearing her hair in a bun after practice, but now she grabbed the elastic that held it together with her right hand and pulled. Her brown hair with golden streaks flowed from her head like a fountain. She shook it, left and right and left, and the locks danced in the late afternoon sun. In my mind, she always turns her face towards me like she did at that time, and treats me to a big smile. This is one of my favourite memories of her: hair loosely flowing, her eyes casually glancing at me, and her smile. Oh, that wonderful smile! The world was ours to explore and that afternoon at the circus, I felt something I had never felt before. I was my own person, ready for the world. My confidence grew with every minute that passed. Not because of me, but because of her. She was so easy to get along with, so ready to be liked, so ready to have a friend. After we saw the one-classroom school trailer, where all circus kids got their lessons, young and old together, she led me to the big tent. A man was busy making popcorn in the corridor between the box office and the big top. Olivia haggled playfully with the man, who agreed to give her a small bag of popcorn. He looked at