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Children and Parental Separation: Managing Conflict, Rethinking Support

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Children and Parental Separation: Managing Conflict, Rethinking Support Children and Parental Separation: Managing conflict, Rethinking support I feel my parents’ “separation has damaged me bad. I got put into hospital for self- harming... I have been on anti-depression tablets. ” Children and Parental Separation: Managing conflict, Rethinking support Introduction Putting Children First Kids in the Middle In what is believed to be the largest survey of its kind, Kids in the Middle The lives of one in three British ‘Kids in the Middle’ is a unique has spent the last three months children will be affected by parental national campaign launched by a gathering the experiences and views separation before they reach the age partnership of family and parenting on separation of more than 1500 of 16. Every year between 150,000 charities – Relate, One Parent children and families across the UK. and 200,000 parental couples Families/Gingerbread, Families The results of the online survey are separate, prompting the break-up of Need Fathers and the Fatherhood summarised in this document and the family home. Sometimes it can Institute - to help tackle the lack make a compelling case for changes be right for parents to part, but of support for children and parents to the way we support families when separation is badly handled trapped in the misery and turmoil before, during and after breaking up. children can experience confusion of family breakdown. We want Britain to follow the lead of and despair. And although most Twenty of the country’s leading Australia, New Zealand, Canada, separating parents want to do the Agony Aunts and Uncles have put Sweden Germany and the United right thing for their children, the their names to the three proposals in States by providing creative support children’s needs can be overlooked in this report: Deidre Sanders (The Sun); services that make a real difference their parents’ emotional turmoil and Denise Robertson (This Morning); to the lives of children experiencing distress. The problem is not so much Jane Butterworth (News of the parental separation. bad parents, as parents going World); Bel Mooney (Daily Mail); through a bad time – which many We need to change our culture but Zelda West-Meads (Mail on Sunday, had not expected and are not we do not need a revolution. By YOU magazine); Dr Miriam Stoppard prepared for. The result can be committing new resources, by (Daily Mirror); Irma Kurtz children caught in the middle of their adjusting existing services, by (Cosmopolitan); Lesley Garner (Daily parents’ conflict, with long term studying and adapting best practice Telegraph); Dr Tanya Byron (The consequences for some - including from around the world, and by Times); Virginia Ironside (The behavioural problems, health issues, charting our progress on an annual Independent); Sally Brampton poor educational performance and a basis, we will know that we are (Sunday Times magazine); Linda Blair greater likelihood of being unable to starting to do the best for our kids in (Psychologies & Guardian); Ingrid sustain effective relationships of the middle. Millar (Chat); Michael Mellis their own. (Company); Suzie Hayman (Various); More help is needed for separating Gill Cox (Bella); Dr Pam Spurr (MSN); mothers and fathers to help them Susan Quilliam (That’s Life); Christine Children and Parental steer clear of continuing conflict. Webber (Woman Magazine); Lucy And help is also needed for Tobin (Bliss) Separation: Managing children themselves. We are calling on the Government conflict, Rethinking and relevant agencies to put children’s support interests at the top of the agenda This paper draws on a wide range of when it comes to funding, designing evidence, including the Kids in the and delivering key services for families Middle online survey of parents and at risk of separation or experiencing children affected by separation. It separation or its aftermath. uses recent polling, the latest research and personal stories to make the case for change. PLEASE NOTE: Quotations from individuals in this paper have been altered to preservce confidentiality and anonymity 2 Children and Parental Separation: Managing conflict, Rethinking support 1. Reducing conflict The evidence is that high levels of Fathers not seeing their children – or parental conflict usually have a seeing them less often - can be We want to see… profoundly damaging effect on linked to their own anger towards Solutions for separating children1 - and parents and children their child’s mother or their child’s families which make court agree: mother’s anger towards them. It can battles unnecessary also reflect a lack of understanding • 76% say they believe that children Court battles about children are of how much they matter to their are affected by parents arguing the tip of the iceberg to do with children. New partners’ attitudes can with each other conflict between parents after also be important. Mothers’ separation. Help for parents in Continued parental conflict after reluctance to facilitate contact is conflict at an earlier stage could separation can be extremely very often associated with serious reduce the number of cases that damaging and can harm the child’s welfare concerns about the capacity end up in court, as well as relationship with each parent2. of their children’s father to take good reaching the 90 per cent of care of them. Conflict is most damaging when it is parents who, at the moment, about the child, takes place in front Representative samples find that struggle along on their own of the child and/or involves violence between one quarter and a third of without any court intervention. and threats of violence from father to non resident fathers rarely or never By expanding existing mother. Post-separation conflict is see their children. And even when mediation, therapeutic, contact very often about the child – and contact is taking place, bad feeling is and other practical support takes place in front of the child. an issue in nearly a third (30%) of services, and ensuring that families5. • 1 in 4 (25%) of non resident these also address, as necessary, parents (mainly fathers) who have • 69% of the children in our survey debt management, child contact say their time with their describe their experience of maintenance, finance, health child has been affected because parental separation as ‘very bad’ and legal matters, parents the other parent has been reluctant (43%) or ‘bad’ (26%) affected will get support in a to allow it3 non-confrontational atmosphere • 41% of our child-respondents say where they can focus on the • 1 in 3 (31%) of resident parents that there is no post separation needs of their offspring and (mainly mothers) where there is contact between their parents – more easily consider ways in contact say that they want their with a further 36% saying their which both parents can children’s father to see them more parents get on ‘not very well’ or provide substantial support often than he does4 ‘very badly.’ to their children. References My parents’ separation was bad. They 1. Reynolds, J. (2001). Not in Front of the Children? London: One Plus One. “fought over everything - me & my 2. Frosch, C.A., Manglesdorf, S.C., & McHale, J.L. (2000). Marital behaviour brothers, money, the house, the boat . and the security of preschooler-parent attachment relationships. Journal of If they see each other in the street they Family Psychology, 14, 144-161 3. Peacey, V. & Hunt, J. (2008). Problematic just act like the other one isn’t there. contact after separation and divorce? A national survey of parents. London: One They are both always saying horrible Parent Families/Gingerbread things about each other behind each 4. Ibid other’s backs to me & my brothers. ” 5. Ibid 3 Children and Parental Separation: Managing conflict, Rethinking support 2. Supporting the children Current support systems in the UK These problems not only have a • 80% agree (42% strongly) that are failing the children involved in significant impact on the individual children aren’t encouraged to talk parental separation. children but can affect the community about their parents’ separation. around them, in extreme cases And 72% of children felt they Many of the children involved in involving crime and anti-social needed someone to talk to about parental separation are at a behaviour. their feelings. vulnerable stage of their lives. • 84% of our survey agreed that Many of the survey respondents said • 86% of parents in the KIDS IN THE services tend to focus on practical that, with hindsight, the lack of MIDDLE survey said their children issues such as housing, child support offered to children post- were aged 12 or under when maintenance, contact and custody separation was a critical problem. separation took place. in the event of separation but don’t • National Data suggest that over a offer emotional support for half of children whose parents children. We want to see… separate experience the separation Counselling in schools and Children affected by the fallout from by the time they are five years old6 other family support services their parents’ conflict are offered providing more direct work Conflict between parents can impact minimal opportunity to discuss with children negatively on their parenting deeply suppressed feelings in a capacity, so they become less constructive way. Research on the Children whose parents are sensitive and effective parents – advice needs of lone parents, for separating need opportunities which of course is bad for children. example, found that parents had to discuss their feelings in a And the parents’ conflict, in itself, difficulties obtaining counselling for neutral atmosphere and with can affect children directly – and their children and/or other help with expert counsellors qualified in badly. Children whose parents fight a parenting issues, particularly where engaging with children. To lot tend to display their distress in the children were older – once they deliver this, and minimise the two main ways: reached 11 or 128.
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