Summer 2019

Men and women serving and leading as equals

Single. Dating. Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want the Church to Know page 8

What If Singleness Isn’t Failure? page 12

It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached page 24 CONTENTS DEPARTMENTS 3 From the Editor Welcome to the Jungle: The Dating Adventures of Smart Women and Fragile Men a Fifty-Something Egalitarian 4 A baby boomer shares about dating while staying true to her values. 7 Praise and Prayer by Cindy J. Hurd 27 Reflect with Us Love Poem from Joseph Single. Dating. Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want 8 the Church to Know 28 Ministry News A woman pastor reflects on the challenges of singleness and dating. 29 Giving Opportunities by Alicia McClintic 30 President’s Message What If Singleness Isn’t Failure? Debunking Eros A single believer questions how the church defines success and happiness. 12 by Krysti Wilkinson Lessons from Eliezer: What an Old Testament EDITORIAL STAFF Matchmaker Has to Say About Egalitarian Dating Editor: Tim Krueger/Rachel Asproth How Scripture can equip us for today’s dating world. Graphic Designer: Mary Quint 16 by Kay Bonikowky Publisher/President: Mimi Haddad A Tale of Two Rapes: What Tamar and Bathsheba Teach Us About Power, Consent, and Sexual 20 Violence We classify Tamar as a rape victim, but not Bathsheba. Why? by Erin Moniz It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached 24 Why consent is a more robust sexual ethic than purity culture. by Lyndsey Medford

Mutuality is published quarterly by CBE Advertising in Mutuality does not imply International, 122 W Franklin Ave, Suite organizational endorsement. Please note 218; Minneapolis, MN 55404-2451. that neither CBE International, nor the editor, nor the editorial team is responsible We welcome your comments, article or legally liable for any content or any submissions, and advertisements. Visit statements made by any author, but the cbe.today/mutuality. legal responsibility is solely that author’s once an article appears in Mutuality. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise Mutuality vol. 26, no. 2, Summer 2019 indicated, are taken from the 2011 CBE grants permission for any original revision of the Holy Bible, New International article (not a reprint) to be photocopied Cover design by Mary Quint Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, for local use provided no more than 1,000 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by copies are made, they are distributed free, permission. All rights reserved worldwide. the author is acknowledged, and CBE is Mutuality (ISSN: 1533-2470) exists recognized as the source. to make egalitarian theology accessible to the non-scholar and to explore its intersection with everyday life.

2 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org From the Editor by Tim Krueger

Smart Women and Fragile Men: How Patriarchy Shapes Identity and Romance

Do men want to date smart women? This was For centuries, Christians have taught that men the question behind a 2015 study published by are superior to women, and these teachings the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.1 have contributed to the cultural values that What the study learned is that men like the shape American society. Much has changed, A Farewell… idea of dating women who are smarter than but many of the ideas that uphold supposed them, but when they meet an actual woman male superiority persist. For instance, popular This will be my last issue as who fits the profile, they suddenly become wisdom holds that men make better, more much less interested. rational decisions. Evidence shows otherwise.4 editor of Mutuality, as the next step in my career will take me Why? According to one of the researchers, Patriarchy is intertwined with masculine away from CBE. I am eternally “when men were outperformed by a woman in a identity, too. Boys learn that to throw like a girl grateful for the opportunity to domain that they cared about—intelligence— is humiliating and that being “disrespected” have served in this role. I have they felt threatened, assessed by diminished (made uncomfortable or embarrassed) by a been challenged, humbled, self-ratings of masculinity, which then led woman is degrading. Boys are told that women and inspired by the authors them to act in a way counter to what their are equal but shown that manhood requires expressed ideal preferences were.”2 In other them to be better than women at things like and readers I have worked words, they felt like less of a man in the reason, intelligence, athleticism, leadership, with over the last six years. I presence of a smarter woman. income, and physical and emotional strength. hope and pray that you have been as well. Reading this, one is reminded of a controversial To the extent that patriarchy defines one’s interview in which Baptist leader John Piper masculinity, equality will be emasculating. suggested that it was okay for a man to read This is the reality revealed by the dating I am thrilled to share that a commentary by a woman or obey laws and study. Sadly, this is the kind of masculinity Rachel Asproth, CBE’s award- structures created by women, but it was not promoted by many Christians. winning blog editor, will be okay for him to learn from her in person. When it comes to navigating romantic taking the reins. If you have Learning at a distance, he says, does not seen her work, you know that involve gender (because a man can ignore the relationships, patriarchal patterns appear fact that the writer is female), but he cannot at every turn. The good news is it doesn’t her skills in writing and editing ignore her gender in person. As a result, have to be this way. Egalitarians the world dwarf my own. I am confident learning from a woman in person demeans a over are setting aside patriarchal norms, that under her leadership, the man’s manhood.3 doing the work of identity re-formation, best is yet to come. modeling romantic relationships that better To some Christians, the 2015 study on dating reflect Scripture’s ideal, and challenging the confirms Piper’s views. I would suggest that idolization of marriage in some circles. In this In Christ, what we are seeing is evidence of patriarchy issue, our authors invite you on that journey Tim Krueger in American culture—Christian and secular. with them.

1. Lora E. Park, Ariana F. Young, and Paul W. Eastwick, “(Psychological) Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: Effects of Psychological Distance and Relative Intelligence on Men’s Attraction to Women,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, August 2015, https://journals.sagepub.com/ doi/10.1177/0146167215599749. 2. Jenna Birch, “Do Men Want to Date Intelligent Women?” Psychology Today, Feb. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/navigating-the-love- gap/201802/do-men-want-date-intelligent-women. 3. Interview with John Piper, “Do You Use Bible Commentaries Written by Women?” DesiringGod, March 2013, https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/ do-you-use-bible-commentaries-written-by-women. 4. Kathy Caprino, “How Decision-Making Is Different Between Men and Women and Why It Matters in Business,”Forbes , May 2016, https://www.forbes.com/ sites/kathycaprino/2016/05/12/how-decision-making-is-different-between-men-and-women-and-why-it-matters-in-business/#423bbeb94dcd.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 3 Welcome to the Jungle: The Dating Adventures of a Fifty-Something Egalitarian

by Cindy J. Hurd

After surviving a tumultuous divorce, I I faithfully go to church but feel out place found myself in my fifties, newly single and sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. People are surveying an unknown dating landscape. kind and sympathetic toward my uninvited After embracing an egalitarian viewpoint in singleness. Still, church culture generally the 80s when I attended a church pastored leans toward married couples. Attendance by Bishop LaDonna Osborne, I knew I was can amplify my loneliness, especially when looking for an equal partner. The mission— I watch couples leave for lunch together if I chose to accept it—was to find a man afterwards. It is a painful reminder that I’m who shared my belief in co-leadership and no longer part of a twosome. Those who mutual submission. have experienced a divorce themselves are the most sympathetic, frequently inviting I soon learned that finding an egalitarian me to dinner on holidays when I can’t get https://www.istockphoto.com/vector/pair- man is a daunting task. sitting-in-a-restaurant-and-holding-hands- home to family. gm941275680-257275121 I was also out of practice at dating, having As for potential dates at church, there’s only been married for twenty plus years. I read a a small pool of fellows available. I’ve also number of books on everything from how observed that some men in my age range to catch the right guy, to how often to text, seem to be looking for a woman ten or to who should chase whom, to safety issues more years younger. Oddly, I’m dubbed—by when online dating, to topics to discuss or some—too old to date a man I might have avoid on dates. Eventually I decided that attended kindergarten with. The analytical I could sit at home in my hut and read and cynical part of my brain wonders if books, or I could swing headfirst into the part of the reason some men seek younger dating jungle. In the four years since, I have spouses is so they can sling them in the walked a mile in many different shoes: high face of the wives they mistreated and then heels for dinner downtown, hiking boots discarded—after those wives have paid the for the Appalachian Trail, water shoes for physical price of birthing and raising men’s kayaking the Potomac, athletic shoes for children. And, older women who date are biking the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal, often judged harshly for their appearance sandals for antiquing, and flip flops for the (wrinkles, grey hair, etc.) and pressured local swimming pool. Along the way, I have to compete with younger women. Studies at times felt ambiguous—not even certain show that in the world of online dating, I want to find another partner. Yet, the women peak at eighteen years old whereas alternative of being alone for the rest of my men peak at fifty.1 Not all men are like life does not seem inviting either. this, of course, but old wounds sometimes overwhelm a positive dating outlook.

4 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org I faithfully go to church, but feel out place sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. People are kind and sympathetic toward my uninvited singleness. Still, the culture of church generally leans towards married couples. Attendance can amplify my feelings of loneliness.

As it turns out, trying to meet “the Clearing away our plates, the waiter sets on my next date with Dave I say, “Hey one” during the course of everyday life the check presentation folder down; we you paid last time. I will pick up the is an old-fashioned idea, from the B.C. both take a look. I offer to pay my half, tab this time. After all, I work just like (Before Cellular) era. It took a year for but Dave insists on paying it all, since you do.” He argues a bit, but graciously me to work up the courage to try online he asked me out. Seeing him clutching accepts. dating. A friend, more technically savvy the check close to his purple button- than I, helped create my profile on down shirt, I pause—not wanting to Then Dave leans towards me and in a Christian dating site. There were make a scene—and then concede. But a whisper says that no woman has things to learn—like how to screen out one-picture scammers, people who chat with hundreds of women daily and make romantic gestures and promises while hoping for the chance to steal their money. After learning the ropes, I have relaxed a bit and started to initiate more chats.

This is a welcome relief to *Brad (name changed), who admits that he is tired of doing all the chasing and dealing with rejection. “It is nice when a woman takes the risk,” he tells me. Consequently, making the first move means I have to face the possibility of rejection head on. This hurts more or less, depending on how much time or emotion I have invested in sending a message. The rebuff is typically communicated by either no response at all (ghosting) or via text. “I don’t think we are a match,” Brad says. I swipe onward.

When a connection is made online, we typically text, talk on the phone, and then schedule a date. The first meeting reminds me of a job interview. The worst—and most uncertain—moment is when the check is brought to the table. This is where equality meets chivalry. My date with *Dave comes to mind.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 5 ever offered to buy him dinner. “It’s and flip out my Bible app to explain the refreshing,” he sighs. connection between verses 21 and 22—it has typically been the first and last date. “It seems only fair,” I respond with a reassuring smile. And all is well with the Thomas, a Christian man whose wife world until suddenly, in the back of my passed away, informs me that his faith head, the voices of my parents whisper: gets in the way of dating. I can “A gentleman always pays. What if he guess what is coming, but I ask takes you to the cleaners? What kind of why anyway. He states that his man is he?” church doctrine only permits him to marry someone if they “It was just dinner,” I answer, trying are: 1. single-never married 2. to push away their imaginary scowls. widowed 3. divorced because In these moments, my old-fashioned their spouse cheated. upbringing collides uncomfortably with my egalitarian views. I wonder if I am I inquire: “If a woman is dating the right way, if perhaps I should single but has been sexually budge on my egalitarian values, just a intimate with five live-in bit. I ultimately do not. partners without a legal paper trail, would she still Frequently, I ask the men I date about fall under your category of why they mark “Christian” under single-never married? What “religion” in their dating profiles. This if a woman is widowed but question is often met with answers like killed her husband? Does that “Huh, what? Oh that. My parents went count? And does the woman to church,” or shocked looks and then, need to prove that her husband “I went to church when I was a kid. You cheated before you will accept mean you still go?” I nod and say, “Yes, a date?” He responds, “I never quite often.” thought about it that way.” I laugh, shake my head and say: “Welcome to They are momentarily speechless but the jungle.” then they ask: “So you are religious?” I press him, sensing what is coming: “No, I have a relationship with Jesus. It’s “What if a woman is married to not a set of religious rules.” a Christian man who is emotionally They usually look even more bewildered. abusive? What if she prays, reads, self- I try to explain a bit more, then decide to change the subject. Some dates are totally on board with the equality piece, but they aren’t interested in sharing In these moments, my old faith. I want both.

I have dated other guys who, though fashioned upbringing collides they seem truly dedicated to the Lord, are convinced that “God made man to uncomfortably with my egalitarian be the ‘head,’ and women to submit.” My attempts at theological conversation about the duty of all Christians to submit views. I wonder if I am dating to God and one another, a collaborative strength-based approach to marriage, the right way, if perhaps I should or the much-debated Greek meaning of the word “head” are typically met with stunned, confused looks. When I gently budge on my egalitarian values, indicate that no, the marital guidelines in Ephesians don’t start with verse 22 just a bit. I ultimately do not.

6 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org reflects, works toward personal growth, and seeks counsel, and still nothing changes? What if she It is crucial that we women can’t meet his impossible standards? What if one morning, after a night of listening who don’t fit into the to his raging threats to divorce her, God whispers to the woman: ‘It’s time to let go.’ And so she does, church’s too-neat “happily reluctantly.“ ever after” narrative share The woman is me.

Thomas recounts how as a our stories. Because God young boy he lay terrified in his bed on several sees our struggles and the occasions, listening to his father verbally and physically batter his church should too. mother. During one incident, he was present when his father threw Being single in your fifties when you have been and want his mother across the to be married is not easy. Dating after a divorce is not easy. kitchen. She crashed Finding an egalitarian man is not easy. It is a long road with into a cabinet, screaming many bumps and hurdles along the way. But it is crucial that and crying. He says, “It we women who don’t fit into the church’s too-neat “happily was awful and to this day ever after” narrative share our stories. Because God sees our it breaks my heart to hear a struggles and the church should too. woman cry.” Cindy J. Hurd (LCSW-C) is a mental health I ask if, after witnessing his own therapist and family violence advocate mother be victimized, he would for the military population, residing in ever consider marrying a woman who Maryland. She has received specialized had left an abusive situation. He pauses, training in child and partner abuse then answers: “No, I don’t think I could.” dynamics and treatment throughout her I look at him intently for a moment. “Clearly, I do not meet with your criteria for a long-term career. Prior to being a therapist, she was relationship. It was nice to meet you, and good luck a minister/pastor with Foursquare Gospel International. with your search,” I reply. Then, I smile, hug this Christian brother goodbye, and walk off into the sunset after yet another 1. Maya Salam, “For Online Daters, Women Peak at 18 While Men Peak disappointing interview. I mean, date. at 50, Study Finds. Oy.,” The New York Times, August 2018, https://www. nytimes.com/2018/08/15/style/dating-apps-online-men-women-age.html.

Praise Prayer • CBE’s communications manager, Tim Krueger, has • Our 2019 conference in Houston is coming up! Pray completed his time with CBE. We celebrate Tim’s that God will inspire many to join this movement. accomplishments and ask for God’s blessing as he Pray for our speakers, staff, and president as they pursues new opportunities. work hard to make this our best conference yet! • CBE received 35 applications for the Alvera Mickelsen • Pray for Mimi Haddad, who will present two Memorial Scholarship for women pursuing ministry! workshops in coming months: 1)“Women in • CBE recieved three Evangelical Press Awards! CBE’s Leadership: A Biblical Rationale” at CBE’s conference president, Mimi Haddad, was recognized with a win and 2) “Arab Women Dismantle Power and Patriarchy in “Editorial.” Jesus-Style” at Liberating Evangelicalism.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 7 Single. Dating. Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want the Church to Know

by Alicia McClintic

Recently, I was invited to participate inclusive of the stories and in a panel on singleness at a Christian conference. I shared my experience as experiences of single folks in a single woman pastor and how single ministry. clergy can feel isolated in a church culture where marriage is the default. It was the At a recent seminar I attended on pastoral first time since university that I had health and wellness, speakers highlighted an honest, direct, public conversation statistics showing the impact of ministry about singleness in the church. We hear stress on married pastors and their countless sermons about marriage, but spouses and children. But what about singleness is not often addressed publicly single pastors who hold this stress alone? in Christian communities. When I do Where are we in these statistics? Women talk about my experiences as a single pastors are already underrepresented in woman, I usually talk among my friends, most studies on clergy. Data on single not in my church. Sharing my personal women pastors is virtually non-existent. experiences on that panel was one of the But how can we hope to care for single most vulnerable things I’ve ever done, pastors if our stories aren’t being told or but I thought, “At least we’re finally represented in the church’s narrative? talking about this.” Since then, I’ve been responsibility to your spouse and children thinking about what I want the broader During my annual ministerial licensing as a model to your congregation?” I tried church community to understand about interview last year, a chair sat empty beside to interpret it as best I could for my own life as a single female pastor and how me—reserved for a ministerial candidate’s situation, sharing how I hope my personal life we can be a better community for single spouse. I joked, “Maybe next time I’ll as a single woman pastor models Christian believers, especially single clergy. bring a cardboard cutout or an emotional character to my congregation. I didn’t leave that question blank, because I still want to support animal or some other spousal stand- in.” Thankfully, this year’s interview was show up to be vetted and affirmed and sent 1. Single pastors (especially significantly more welcoming. But even out by my church community. I also want to women) often feel invisible. so, every page of the re-application form be judged as the minister I actually am. I care Let’s find ways to be more still had a question about my (nonexistent) deeply about the ordination process within spouse, like this one: “What is your moral my denomination. I’m grateful for and

8 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org respect it. But in submitting to the process, I down.” But it can also be great to be single single and thirtyish must be the worst have encountered some hurtful assumptions in a married world. Do not assume you kind of misery. Here is the thing: I am about what “the ideal pastor” looks like. know how single folks feel or what they not miserable. I have a full and fulfilling need to hear about their singleness. Start life—a community of deep friendships, The good news is that my district leadership by being friends with them, by sharing compelling work that I care about, and has adopted a posture of listening, and they’re your life with them and vice versa. Until significant dreams and goals I am moving working to acknowledge and welcome single you’ve done that, don’t ask them potentially toward. I would love to share this full and pastors. At our annual pastors/spouses hurtful questions about their singleness or fulfilling life with a spouse, but I am not retreat this year, single pastors are invited offer advice for how they should approach pining away for something I do not have. to bring a friend who’s been supportive of dating. Be especially aware of making single I do not mind if you pray for my husband, their call to ministry. Gestures like this give women feel like it’s their fault that they’re but you could also ask if I want to be me hope that the church will begin to offer single and they would be married if only introduced to the single, Jesus-loving guys meaningful hospitality to single clergy. they would [insert unsolicited advice]. you know. And, when single folks choose to share with you, affirm their feelings. If they tell I encourage Christians not to say things like 2. People often treat single you that they are lonely, mourn with them. “it’ll happen when it happens” to single pastors as if they either hate If they tell you that they are loving their folks in the church. It is a well-meaning independence, celebrate with them. Do not sentiment, but it sounds like you are being single or love it. It’s not overwrite single people’s experiences with saying my life won’t start until I am that simple. Let’s make it a your own expectations and stereotypes. married. I might never get married. Not because I do not want to be married, priority to befriend single clergy For as long as I’ve been in ministry, I’ve but because someone might not want to and let them tell us about it. heard some version of “I’m praying for marry me. I might never meet and fall your future husband!” or “it’ll happen in love with someone willing and able to Sure, being single in a married world is when it happens!” These folks mean well, integrate their life with my life as a local difficult at times. This is especially true for but their unspoken assumption seems to church pastor. At thirtyish years old, I many single women in the church, who feel be that single equals bad and thirtyish am making long-range plans without a added societal pressure to marry and “settle equals bad, and so they suppose that being life partner beside me, and that may not When single folks choose to share with you, affirm their feelings. If they tell you that they are lonely, mourn with them. If they tell you that they are loving their independence, celebrate with them. Do not overwrite single people’s experiences with your own expectations and stereotypes.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 9 change anytime soon. I happen to be single right now, and I am doing my best to be faithful to what God is calling me to now. Sure, I want to be married, but I am not waiting around for marriage to start my life. As my faith community, can you help me hold this tension?

3. Single pastors like to date too—just like other single people. Let’s normalize dating for single clergy.

Once, I was out with some young women from church to celebrate a friend’s engagement, and a guy came over to our group and asked me dance. Jokingly, A female friend and fellow pastor one of my friends blurted out: “You recently asked me: “I wonder how Everyone seems to can’t do that! She’s a pastor!” He backed many times someone we know has told want to host the away slowly; our group went back to our someone about us, saying ‘she’s a pastor, conversation, but I could not shake my she’s really smart, but she’s great,’ as pastor at a cozy family unease with her joke. Can’t do what? if those things somehow conflict? If Dance with me? Flirt with me? Are single our pals are not scared to tell their Thanksgiving dinner, pastors supposed to stay single forever and single guy friends how pretty or cool never date? That would be unfortunate, we are, why do they avoid sharing our but no one wants to and for the record, it is totally false. other good qualities—like being smart While on the job, some boundaries are or spiritual?” What if my friends were see the pastor in a important to ensure safety and respect quicker to say how proud they are to sparkly cocktail dress for everyone. However, it is good and have a single pastor friend with a deep healthy (and wholly appropriate) for spiritual life and a curious mind? What and bright lipstick at a pastors to have romantic lives. if we treated those traits as intriguing— not intimidating—to potential dates? swanky New Year’s Eve Sometimes, people operate as if my spirituality and intellect are an shindig. impediment to dating. Someone once 4. Single pastors may receive said: “I feel like I’d be dating Jesus’ little sister. I’m likely to be smite any moment I invites to Thanksgiving and Eve shindig. Pastors are exuberantly do something dumb. It’s a lot of pressure!” Christmas gatherings, but invited to officiate a wedding or witness Another time a friend and colleague often not to New Year’s Eve the ceremony, but there is discomfort if said: “Think about it. You’re not just the clergy stay too long to dance at the reading Bonhoeffer easily; you’re parties or similar events. Let’s teaching party—as if it is somehow inappropriate Bonhoeffer. I imagine any of the guys find ways to comfortably for them to enjoy themselves, especially who might be interested would feel super if they are unmarried and female. There intimidated, like they wouldn’t know include single clergy in all are a lot of unwritten rules governing what to say to you.” This is not an unusual areas of life. the conduct of single women, and phenomenon: intelligent, curious women how they can and cannot have fun. It and women in leadership positions such Everyone seems to want to host the is not uncommon for single women, as pastor are often penalized in the dating pastor at a cozy family Thanksgiving particularly single women in visible world for their successes. They are made dinner, but no one wants to see the positions of authority, to receive extra to feel like their God-given gifts are a pastor in a sparkly cocktail dress and censure for what they wear, how they liability when it comes to finding a spouse bright lipstick at a swanky New Year’s dance, how much makeup they have because men will feel threatened.

10 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org adventure? What if you made sure to save acknowledge their unique struggles and There are a lot of a seat for your single friend at the church joys and also strive to see beyond the unwritten rules potluck so they are not scanning the labels of “single” and “pastor.” Reach out crowd for an open spot? Nobody wants to to your single friends in ministry and governing the conduct make their single friends uncomfortable ask them to share their stories: “what has by inviting them to hang out with only your experience been as a single pastor?” of single women, and couples or to be the lone single or childless or “have you ever felt isolated in the tag-along among families. And single church because of your singleness?” or how we can and cannot folks do not want to feel like they are “have you been treated differently as a intruding on these moments either. But leader because of either your femaleness have fun. It is not most of them love hanging out with their or your singleness, or both?” or “how uncommon for single couple friends and their families. What if can we better minister to, listen to, and you just invited them to share your life, to support single believers and clergy?” or women, particularly join in what you are already doing? even just “would you like to come over for dinner?” If the church can begin to meet single women in visible single people where they are—in their 5. A single pastor will almost grief and their celebration, their struggles positions of authority, and their joy, their self-sufficiency and always have to turn down their moments of uncertainty—we will to receive extra censure weekend invitations. Let’s find be well on our way to becoming the for what they wear, times to hang out that work hospitable community I know we can be. with clergy people’s unusual how they dance, how Alicia McClintic is the schedule. lead pastor of Hayward much makeup they Church of the Nazarene, If I am turning you down on Saturday a multi-cultural, multi- have on, how late they night, it is not because I do not want congregational church stay at a party, and to go out. Sundays are the busiest and in the Bay Area. She earliest days in my weekly schedule. “I shares thoughts about life and faith generally how they have to wash my hair” sounds like an on her blog www.aliciamcclintic.com. excuse, but it is not. On Saturdays, I choose to spend their wash my hair, drink tea with honey to strengthen my voice, make adjustments free time. to the service order, review my sermon notes, and otherwise prepare for a full workday on on, how late they stay at a party, and Sunday. But worse than turning generally how they choose to spend down Saturday night hangs is their free time. turning down Sunday brunch. I cannot convey how much I love I have noticed that many single folks brunch, and how devastating it is are asked to babysit when their married that I am always working during friends go out. This is particularly true prime brunch hours. But who for single women who are expected to be says brunch has to be a Sunday naturally nurturing and maternal. I love thing? Why not some mid-week that my flexible schedule allows me to avocado toast? I bet brunch is spend time with my friends’ kids while just as fun on Wednesday. Let’s they take time alone. This is a gift I’m try it and see. able to give to friends who are parents, and I joyfully give it. But what if, instead I hope the church can create space of always asking a single friend to babysit for the stories and experiences of while you go out, you invited them to single clergy, especially women join you for dinner? What if you invited church leaders who are single them to join your family for the day’s and/or dating. We need to both

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 11 What If Singleness Isn’t Failure?

Krysti Wilkinson

It’s hard when every break up feels are cheering you on, because you did it! But somehow—did you take a wrong left turn?—you like a failure. are no longer on the path. You followed all the That is what no one tells you about being single rules but you still got kicked off the road that in the church. We are asked about our loneliness, everyone else seems to be handling just fine. as singles. We discuss how to not make marriage It does not matter how far along the path you an idol, and we chat about healthy boundaries in got—two dates, two months, two years—you dating. We know a relationship does not magically were still on the path. Then all of the sudden, you solve everything (but we secretly still think it veered off. All of the sudden you… failed. does) and we realize marriage is Hard Work. But no one tells you that every failed relationship feels Even when you break up for good reasons. Even like a personal failure. when the break up was needed. Even when those around you agree with the decision and affirm In theory, it should be so easy: Two Christians your choices and know, at the end of the day, it meet each other. Two Christians go on a date. was the right thing. Even then, there is a sense Two Christians like each other. Isn’t that story of failure. You were maybe, just maybe, headed supposed to end in marriage? Isn’t that story toward normalcy. A relationship! Marriage! supposed to have a happily ever after? Everyone You were so close! But you just could not keep else’s seems to. on the path.

No one says the word “failure” out loud, of course. I do not ascribe to the concept of soulmates. I No one would dare. But when marriage is the do not think God has a magical blueprint for my ideal that everyone is working toward, anything life. I am not worried about “the one who got that falls short feels like you did something wrong. away.” I also do not think that there is something inherently wrong with me which has caused You were on the path, headed in the direction everyone has been pointing you toward. They my singleness, while all my married friends are perfect and fault-free. And yet, while I know all

12 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org these things to be true—it is still so hard to earned or a badge of honor only given to to shake that feeling of inadequacy when a those who followed all the rules. relationship ends. In terms of success, marriage is a lateral If nothing is wrong with me, why can’t I move, as I have been reminding myself get it right? Why can’t I figure it out? Why lately. We make it seem like the ultimate, do my solutions always fizzle, but others the pinnacle, the gold ribbon we are all have figured out the magical answer? fighting for. Yet marriage is not a sign of success, just as singleness is not a sign of When we are all working toward the end goal failure. of marriage, any other end to the story feels like a defeat. Like you were tied in the bottom I do not think we try to put marriage on of the ninth and everything was looking a pedestal, but the fact is: we worship the promising, but somehow, you found yourself status quo. We strive for normalcy, to shaking hands afterwards to an embarrassing be average, to fit in with everyone else. loss. Good game. Good game. Good try. We’ll When all we see are relationships that get ‘em next time. Maybe. Maybe? end with white weddings, it is natural to assume that we have messed up when We need to stop evaluating the success of ours does not. our lives through the lens of marriage. But what if we broaden our view of success? Sometimes, relationships end. Sometimes, two people are not good for each other, no matter how great they both are as individuals. Sometimes, there is a different Maybe success story in store for you. Instead of seeing the end of a relationship looks like… as a sign of failure, we should see it as a sign of health. When two people come Creating a counter- together, there is a lot of room for error. If culture where vulnerable, break ups are learning experiences and not errors, we become open to new lessons. And transformational relationships growth. And surprises. Let’s stop assuming exist outside of marriage. we know the ideal end of the story, and start allowing people the freedom to write Many idolize marriage because it tends to their own. be the most culturally acceptable way to find committed companionship. Especially In reality, getting married is not an for men raised to hide their emotions, accomplishment. It is exciting, to be sure. romantic relationships are sometimes the Marriage is a good thing, when done right. only space in which they are allowed to But it is not a trophy to be won or a prize

MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 13 express their feelings. But what if we realized that intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection happen in purely platonic relationships too? Community is not a replacement for marriage—but it is beautiful, rich, and life-giving, and something we should more often invest in. A theology which emphasizes our highest call to serve God according to our gifts, regardless of gender. We have failed in swallowing the lie that women were created to marry and bear children. That men were created to lead, protect, and provide for a family. We were made for something greater. We need to build a Christian culture that looks like the early church, where devotion to God was the ideal and marriage was secondary to that highest calling. Discovering the person God created you to be.

I have noticed recently that each break up makes me more me. Each ending pushes me closer and closer to my truest self. Each relationship that doesn’t work out helps me pull off a layer, shed an additional cover, get closer to the source. Maybe it is beauty rising from the ashes, maybe it is growth through pain—or maybe it is exactly what was supposed to happen. Maybe relationships that end are not failures; they are perfect successes. Maybe I needed to learn that thing about myself, needed that exact push in that exact season.

There are lessons I could only have learned from a particular heartbreak. There are seasons I would have never entered into without a break up to push me there. There are parts of myself I would have never uncovered if the end of a relationship had not brought about that knowledge.

Break ups, although still not enjoyable, guide us forward. They are not endings to be ashamed of. They are simply parts of our journeys. There are no wrong turns, just tangents; no wasted time, just detours; no failures, just new lessons. I am grateful for each ending. I am learning to see each break up as its own success.

Break ups are not always easy, but they are not failures. Singleness is not a sign we did something wrong. The Christian life is so much bigger and so much richer than marriage and each of us is much more than our romantic journeys. Our only failure comes in missing out on this truth.

Krysti Wilkinson eats too much ice cream and reads too many books. She likes to laugh at ban puns, talk about Jesus, and write down her thoughts. You can find more of her work at www.krystiwilkinson.com.

14 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org CREATED TO THRIVE MUTUALITY, POWER, AND IDENTITY

Join CBE International in Houston, Texas, August 2–4, 2019 for our 2019 conference, “Created to Thrive!”

Connect with egalitarian leaders. Learn from experts. Advocate in your community.

KEYNOTE SPEAKERS

Shane Claiborne Havilah Dharamraj Lisa Sharon Harper Eugene Hung Emily Onyango

WORKSHOP SPEAKERS

Sarah Ago Jeannette Cochran Mimi Haddad Allison Quient Hillside Covenant Church Seneca Creek President, CBE International Scholar and Advocate Community Church Linda Lee Smith Barkman Sandra Morgan Mitch Randall Advocate for Rob Dixon Vanguard University Ethicsdaily.com Incarcerated Women Campus Minister, InterVarsity Shirley Mullen Ruben Rivera Beth Birmingham Taffi Dollar President, Houghton College Bethel University (MN) NGO Leader Pastor, Author Annette Oltmans Eeva Sallinen Simard Jodi Chung Sandra Glahn The M3nd Project World Relief Speaker, Ministry Leader Author and Activist Jeanne Porter King Todd Still Michael Chung Nell Green The TransPorter Group Truett Seminary Scholar, Missionary, Ministry Leader Missionary, Refugee Advocate

REGISTER OR LEARN MORE Visit cbe.today/2019conf and use discount code Mutuality to save $40.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 15 Dating is difficult in today’s culture. As I have counseled single women and men through the years, I often Lessons heard pleas for help to find a Christian person to date. And let’s be honest. There are many different kinds of Christians. How does one get help to find a similar kind of Christian? One who values mutual submission and from Eliezer: servant leadership in marriage? What an Old A disclaimer Before I continue, I want to be clear that I do not believe marriage is the ultimate destination or fulfilment in life, as Christian culture often suggests. A woman’s created Testament purpose is not to bear children and be a submissive wife; a man’s is not to be a father, husband, and provider/ protector. We all share the same purpose—to serve God Matchmaker Has according to God’s call and in line with our gifts. We were created for community, but that community does not need to be marriage, nor should marriage be our only or primary form of vulnerable community. Paul to Say About exhorted the early church to be single and dedicated fully to the Lord’s service. This can be a very difficult thing, especially in cultures that idolize marriage over other Egalitarian forms of community. What follows is geared toward those who are actively seeking marriage, but I pray that we will also learn to celebrate singleness as a good thing and work to be the kind of communities where people Dating who are not married do not feel isolated or alone. by Kay Bonikoswky Matchmaking as “the help of God.”

Some people meet their partners with little effort. For many of us, meeting potential partners with similar values is difficult. Whether it’s dating apps, reliable friends, social gatherings, or something else, many of us enlist the help of a matchmaker. And the idea isn’t as novel as you might think! Matchmaking services have been the staple to forming marriages for thousands of years. In Genesis 24, we read the story of a famous matchmaker. He is unnamed in this chapter, but Jewish tradition tells us this was Eliezer, the servant of Abraham.

Eliezer’s name is a subtle reminder of the goodness found in an ideal match. El-ezer means “God’s help.” In Genesis 2:18, God told the first man that it was not

16 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org good that he was alone, and that he would make an ezer for him. An ezer is strong aid, or help in trouble. Traditional values Through the matchmaker Eliezer, God helped Isaac to find Rebekah. Eliezer’s story can provide helpful instruction on how to make a match with someone concerning gender roles who shares our egalitarian values. and spousal expectations Be willing to defy seep into each nuance of cultural norms the dating experience,

When Abraham tasked Eliezer to find a wife for his son, Isaac, he had one condition. The match and unless you set the must not come from the families of the Canaanites. Eliezer must go back to Abraham’s family living in conditions for your match Haran and find a woman from Abraham’s own kin. Eliezer’s skeptical reaction reveals something about before undertaking a the marriage traditions of that day.

Eliezer asked, “What if the woman is unwilling to matchmaking journey, come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?” you might be tempted to In my culture, it is customary for the bride and groom to leave both sets of parents and form a new home compromise. together, so it is easy to miss the nuance of this strange condition of Abraham. It was not a matter of distance alone that would keep the woman from agreeing to Traditional values concerning gender roles and the marriage. It was against custom for the bride to spousal expectations seep into each nuance of the leave her family to join the groom’s family. We see dating experience, and unless you set the conditions the origin of this custom in Genesis 2:24, when God for your match before undertaking a matchmaking ordains the marriage of the first husband and wife. journey, you might be tempted to compromise. Is “A man will leave his father and his mother and be being committed to an egalitarian marriage a non- united to his wife.” It does not say the wife is to negotiable for you? Do you have any other deal- leave her parents and join him. The original motion breakers? Like Eliezer, you must determine ahead in marriage—and some would argue it is a divine of time the kind of marriage you desire, with the instruction—is toward the wife and her family home. understanding that if your conditions are not met, you (Note as well that Samson’s wife stayed in her own are willing to call the whole thing off. This will limit home in Judges 15. Also, Jacob asked his wives to leave the field from which you can choose. But like Eliezer, with him in Genesis 31; it was not assumed.) you can trust that God will aid you in your choice. So, Eliezer naturally asked, if the bride is unwilling to break with tradition, should Isaac do what is expected of him and go live with her? Abraham replied that no, Invest in the task Isaac must not leave the promised land of Canaan. Next, we see that Eliezer took the matter seriously. He Eliezer would be freed of his oath if the woman was not swore an oath. Marriage is one of the most important willing to leave her home. This was the deal-breaker. choices a person can make. It is important to invest Like Eliezer, those seeking an egalitarian spouse in making the best choice possible. For Eliezer, that struggle against the marriage customs of our day. meant being held accountable. His oath indicated he

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 17 all manner of good things? Then invest (what you are financially and emotionally able to) in the journey. Know your deal-breakers and pray with purpose

Eliezer’s first condition for a wife for Isaac was that she be from Abraham’s extended family and that she be willing to move to Isaac’s home. Those were non-negotiable. But, we see that he had other parameters in mind. Even though Rebekah is described as a beauty, this is not on Eliezer’s list. He is looking for someone who is willing to give him a drink and then offer to water all his camels. He wanted a woman who was generous to strangers, caring toward animals, and took initiative. And this is exactly what he asked God to bring him.

I often wonder if Eliezer had a long discussion with Isaac was answerable to Abraham for his decision. There to discover the qualities he was looking for in a mate. is no oath-taking in dating, but you might consider Were the personality parameters of being a generous enlisting a trusted mentor committed to egalitarian go-getter Isaac’s idea of an ideal wife? Since Isaac was values to walk alongside you on your dating journey. a forty-year-old bachelor, it makes sense to me that he This mentor will offer not only encouragement, but had some idea of what he wanted, and directed Eliezer accountability and oversight. himself. This “hope for” list creates a prayer list as well. Like Eliezer, we can be bold and ask God for specifics. Eliezer prepared himself for the long journey. He took ten camels and all manner of good things along with Eliezer also prayed for guidance. He understood that his him. Committing yourself to the journey of finding errand was a divine responsibility. A matchmaker makes a spouse will take resources of money, time, and a match, but God ordains the marriage. Finding a spouse emotional toil. Online dating, for instance, requires is a paradoxical exercise in juggling the providence of hours of sifting through data and profile writing, God with our free will. We may decide for ourselves personal exploration, and hard evaluation. It is not all who to marry, but we trust that God guides our choice. fun and games. Expect disappointment as well as joy. Dating sites also charge fees for their services. It may be a long search. Is a great match worth ten camels and

Committing yourself to the journey of finding a spouse will take resources of money, time, and emotional toil.

18 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org Eliezer offers the first recorded spontaneous and personal prayer for guidance, because he believed that God had appointed a wife for Isaac, and he prayed that his match would follow the Lord’s will. Just as Eliezer asked God to guide him, you can ask God to guide you. Evaluate

Genesis 24:15 says that before Eliezer finished praying, God was already answering his prayer in the arrival of Rebekah. Eliezer asked her for a drink, and she quickly complied. Then without prompting, she quickly gave the rest of her water to his camels and went to fetch more. Rebekah had passed the test with gracious speed. But, in verse 21 we read that Eliezer continued to watch her silently to determine if God had answered his prayer. This extra step shows how well Eliezer understood the paradoxical nature of free choice and God’s will. This girl appeared to be God’s will for Isaac, but Eliezer continued to observe her actions each step of the way.

I’ve found that this is the step that often gets overlooked in the romantic swirl of meeting a perfect match. Matchmaking services find great matches, but continued When you find yourself assessment and personal judgement are necessary to determine if the person is ideal. One way that Eliezer thinking, this could be determined if Rebekah was the one for Isaac was to meet her family. Spending time with family and friends of the the one, go back to your person you are considering is a great way to determine their integrity and values, and will give you critical insight into family dynamics and personality traits. When you find deal breakers and review yourself thinking, this could be the one, go back to your deal breakers and review your “hope for” list of ideal spousal your “hope for” list of traits. Pray with your mentor and evaluate carefully. ideal spousal traits. Pray Eliezer’s match was a success. Isaac loved Rebekah. Rebekah’s willingness to leave her home and family to join Abraham’s tribe became the model for all Jewish with your mentor and wedding traditions thereafter to include the bride’s spoken consent to the match. Through the transparent recording evaluate carefully. of their life in Genesis, we can see that Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage had its troubles, but the story also reveals how God ordained the match for his good purposes.

Eliezer as God’s help in making their match is instructive to egalitarians seeking an equal and like-minded spouse Kay Bonikowsky and her husband team- today. His journey shows us the importance of knowing planted a church in Washington state for what you are looking for, asking God for guidance, and seven years before moving away. She is using personal judgement in the search for a suitable spouse. nearing completion of her MDiv in theological Those looking for a Christian spouse with egalitarian studies at Multnomah University. She blogs ideals can turn to the same strategies to help them on their on women and the Bible at kbonikowsky.com. journey to find God’s match for their life.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 19 A Tale of Two Rapes: What Tamar and Bathsheba Teach Us About Power, Consent, and Sexual Violence

by Erin Moniz

“Does Scripture talk about While it is not addressed nearly enough from the pulpit, Scripture has important rape and consent?” information about power, patriarchy, and sexual rhetoric. When we miss these This question was posed by a young elements in reading the Bible, we are lady who recently visited my office. As a more likely to misinterpret what we see college chaplain, I have the unfortunate in the world around us. privilege of hearing heartbreaking stories of rape, abuse, and incest from Two of Scripture’s most informative my students. Many are in my office passages on rape are right next to each because a) they know it is a safe space other in 2 Samuel: the rape of Tamar in and b) they are wondering where God chapter 13 and the rape of Bathsheba two and their faith fit into their experiences chapters earlier. Our view of what is and of abuse. Many students are navigating is not sexual violence in our own context these questions while they date in search is often mirrored in how we tend to read of lifelong partners. Too often, sexual and interpret these two stories. violation of one form or another takes place within those relationships.

Both secular and Christian culture Tamar’s Story normalize behaviors from manipulation Tamar’s account fits how most of us to sexual assault. When it comes to dating define rape. There is little dispute that and sex, concerns over extramarital sex this is a story of rape. The text outlines often overshadow all else, setting the the insidious plot by Amnon (her half- stage for abusive patterns to develop. brother), the scene of deception, and Some women have experienced abuse the trapping of Tamar. The author and blame themselves. Others don’t writes how Tamar pleads and begs realize what they endured was abuse. for solutions that will keep Amnon

20 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org from raping her, but to no avail. Due to social stigma, she then has to live out the remainder of her life in shame. Power and While the Hebrew text does not use the word “rape” (there is no ancient Hebrew parallel to our term), everyone Sexual Abuse agrees this was a rape. It is obvious to us. First, Amnon wanted to have Before stories of his abuse helped sex with his half-sister, something our launch the #MeToo movement, Harvey culture considers deviant. She resists Weinstein was undeniably one of the and he ignores her pleas. He then then most powerful men in Hollywood. sends her away and wants nothing Several actresses who filed reports against Weinstein mentioned how he wielded more to do with her. Every element 1 of this story fits our presuppositions power to abuse them. Rosanne Arquette about rape. said that Weinstein “made things very difficult for me for years.” Uma Thurman mentioned how she confronted Weinstein but he threatened to derail her career if Bathsheba’s she reported him. In her interview, Salma Hayek claimed Weinstein’s advances Story could quickly turn to rage. I don’t think he hated anything more The rape of Bathsheba is much more than the word ‘no.’ The range of his controversial and reveals our biases about persuasion tactics went from sweet- sexual violation and the victim’s role. talking me to that one time when, in an attack of fury, he said the terrifying I always grew up hearing about David’s words, ‘I will kill you, don’t think I adultery with Bathsheba. Despite can’t.’ feeling that she had been wronged in some way, I never thought much more Weinstein had the power to act on his about her experience. It was also much threats and victims knew it. This explains nicer to think that King David’s short- the ease with which he exploited and comings had more to do with adultery also generally shows why victims do not (a normative deviance among people always fight back. Their resistance could I knew) than rape (never considered make a bad situation much worse. acceptable in my circles). So why do many Christians so easily call Tamar’s story rape but not Bathsheba’s? In her book, Scars Across Humanity, Elaine Storkey writes, “Power Resistance is a key variable in our inequalities, in these cases in terms of definition of rape. Tamar resisted, but age, strength and money, often go along Bathsheba’s account does not record with incidents of rape. These factors can resistance. We tend to assume this be even more noticeable when the rapist means she was a consenting partner, so is well known, and when the surrounding we put her experience in the category of community allows a veil of silence to “adultery.” We even assign her some of cover his behaviour” (126). We have done the blame. The truth is quite different. just this with King David. We often miss them, but the power dynamics present in To read Bathsheba’s story this story give us every reason to believe that what happened to Bathsheba is rape, faithfully, we need to not a consensual act of adultery. understand power dynamics. First, in the Old Testament world, to be summoned by a king was no small thing.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 21 Failing to appear was a matter of life and death. She could not simply culture, their view of rape encompasses Tamar’s experience refuse to appear. but not Bathsheba’s. Their psyche absorbed the trauma but their definitions did not allow them to realize that they had Second, even according to Hebrew law, this likely would endured sexual abuse. Complicating matters is the fact that have been considered rape. The law made the distinction of unlike Tamar or Bathsheba, these abuses often happen within rape or consent based on verbal resistance by the victim and the context of a romantic relationship. If Christians are to show whether or not that resistance could be heard by witnesses. If a the world what godly relationships grounded in a biblical sexual man raped a woman in a rural area, where she could not be ethic look like, then we have work to do. heard, he alone was guilty (Deuteronomy 22:23-27). As Sarah Bowler notes in Vindicating the Vixens, “If Bathsheba cried We need to challenge cultural narratives about sexual violence. out, no one would dare enter the king’s chamber to stop him. The #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements have clarified that In that sense there was little difference between a man raping we still view rape as a stranger attack in a dark alley with a a woman in the country and a king raping a woman in his screaming, fighting victim. The Bathshebas of our society endure palace chambers” (84). Bathsheba had no agency or say in silently either because they are disempowered by the threats what the king did to her. of their abuser, or because they don’t have a vocabulary for an abusive sexual encounter. Culture has driven this narrative and Third, many assume that Bathsheba’s bathing on the roof was Christians have not countered it. So where do we start? a form of sexual entrapment, but God apparently didn’t see it that way. When the prophet Nathan confronts David, he likens First, we need to pursue a fuller understanding of Scripture. Bathsheba to a ewe lamb who is kidnapped and devoured (2 Sarah Bowler observes that “a true understanding of Sam. 12:1–6). This rendition leaves no question as to how she is [Bathsheba’s] tale holds crucial ramifications for how viewed by God. She was a victim through and through. Yahweh Christians respond to a world filled with abuse and saturated sends his prophet to tell her and Uriah’s story because they with misunderstandings about sexual misconduct” (83). If we share no blame in David’s actions. hold up both Tamar’s and Bathsheba’s stories and fail to call them both rape, then we fail to understand the widespread sin that lurks in our institutions and churches.

When the prophet Nathan Second, we need to have a deeper conversation about consent. On my campus, I am surrounded by messages about the importance confronts David, he likens of consent. However, not everything that looks like consent is actually consent. Women in similar situations to Bathsheba or Bathsheba to a ewe lamb Harvey Weinstein’s victims might seem like they are consenting, who is kidnapped and but they are not. Consent under duress is not consent. Our culture has made consent the lowest common denominator devoured (2 Sam. 12:1–6). of what qualifies for good, appropriate sexual encounters. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, whatever you This rendition leaves no question to how she is viewed The Bathshebas of our society by God. She was a victim endure silently either because through and through. they are disempowered by What About Us? the threats of their abuser, or because they don’t have I cannot count how many times I have sat with a young woman and explained to her that the experience she just described to a vocabulary for an abusive me is, in fact, rape. I watch their faces as it dawns on them that the trauma symptoms that brought them to my office sexual encounter. are a result of rape or sexual abuse. Like most people in US

22 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org In the church, our children hardly On my campus, I learn about consent at all. The primary Research shows that message about sex is simply “don’t have am surrounded by sex unless you’re married.” Let’s also talk between ten and about why marriage is the best context messages about for a sexual relationship. That includes, fourteen percent among other things, that marriage is (or the importance of should be) a relationship without the of married women kind of power imbalance that underlies consent. However, so much sexual abuse. Consent is also will be raped during about more than sex, but respecting not everything boundaries and others’ agency. And their marriage. when it does come to sex, research that looks like shows that equipping our kids to make informed decisions reduces the odds of We must learn from Tamar and consent is actually them having premarital sex!2 Bathsheba. If we do not, we are doing a disservice to our spiritual formation, consent. Women in The church also tends to treat consent our relationships, and our witness in within marriage as a non-issue, as if saying the world. In the Bible and in our own similar situations “I do” grants permanent consent. In truth, world, we blame those who God holds everything from sexual manipulation blameless. We fail to see or address our to Bathsheba or and coercion to rape can and does own contributions to the epidemic of take place in the context of marriage. abuse that plagues our society. Instead of Harvey Weinstein’s Research shows that between ten and recognizing the role of power dynamics fourteen percent of married women will in abuse, we actually teach couples that 3 victims might be raped during their marriage. Those God created men to have power over who are married still need to understand women! The Bible says otherwise, but seem like they are the dynamics of power and consent. we are often blind to its truths. The past is still informing issues relevant to our Third, we should be creating a counter- current lives. In an era of #ChurchToo consenting, but they narrative to a patriarchal power structure and #MeToo, Tamar and Bathsheba still that affirms sexual entitlement. We live speak with weight and truth. are not. Consent in a world where the media teaches boys that a woman saying “no” to his advances under duress is is just playing hard to get. That he will Rev. Deacon Erin Faith win her over with persistence—and she Moniz serves as the not consent. will thank him for it. Children are taught assistant chaplain for that boys and men can be trusted to make Berry College in Rome, do is okay. Yet the young women I see rational decisions, while girls and women GA. She has her MDiv in feel a weight of shame for not speaking make erratic, emotional decisions. I could professional ministry from up when they were truly unsure about go on. Sadly, churches are complicit, Liberty University School of Divinity and is a the sexual acts they were being asked to regurgitating these narratives with a doctoral candidate (DMin) at Trinity School perform. They were taught that consent misunderstood and misapplied Bible for Ministry studying a theology of intimacy. makes an experience okay, but never that story as evidence. These patterns set up She is ordained as a vocational deacon in the compliance is not consent. young people for unhealthy relationships, Anglican Church of North America, and loves romantic or otherwise. her husband, her students, and learning.

1. Zach Seemayer, “Harvey Weinstein, 1 Year Later: Where Everything Stands Now.” Entertainment Tonight, October 2018, https://www.etonline.com/harvey-weinsteins-sexual-abuse-scandal-1-year-later-where-everything-stands-now-89080. 2. “International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education: An Evidence-informed Approach for Schools, Teachers and Health Educators” UNESCO, 2009, https://unesdoc.unesco.org/ark:/48223/pf0000183281. 3. “Quick Guide: Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse,” National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, April 2018, https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quick- guide-domestic-violence-and-sexual-abuse.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 23 It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached

Lyndsey Medford

Consent: a word so bland I once found it almost ugly. Why would I base my framework for romantic relationships on a word as flippant and perfunctory as a waiver to have my photo taken? Bodies and relationships are deeply important to me as a Christian. Naturally, sex is also deeply important to me. Even after I left purity culture behind, I still searched for a rich, God-honoring sexual ethic. Consent seemed like a pretty bare standard for behavior.

Yet, in looking back on my experience with purity culture, I have to admit that consent has not been a given in my romantic relationships.

With its intense fixation on boundaries, it mayseem like purity culture values consent. However, in framing sexual relationships only in terms of individual purity and in failing to educate us about our own bodies and sexuality, purity culture discourages us from learning and using language to communicate about boundaries and physical touch. Many evangelicals were indirectly taught that consent is implied until the word “no” brings an interaction to a halt. Meanwhile, women—raised to be demure and compliant in most interactions with men—are expected to be staunch champions of their physical boundaries. Believing they were protecting us, proponents of purity culture and strict gender roles withheld the tools young people needed to advocate for and protect themselves.

I was kissed for the first time in high school. It was unexpected and confusing. Actually, it bordered on assault. I blamed myself for my feelings of shame and loss, because I hadn’t stopped it from happening. And, because I was taught to perform evangelical gender roles in my relationships, I expected men I dated to set the tone for physical intimacy—while I was to stop them if I felt uncomfortable. Our parents, mentors, and pastors (and the books they gave us) never invited us to imagine any other arrangement. We fell into the pattern they outlined for us in Christian college, drawing imaginary lines across our bodies and trying desperately to appease a tiny, damning referee inside our heads. An invisible line judge always stood ready with a shrieking whistle any time someone’s hands inched out of bounds.

For me, this translated to encounters where I acquiesced to a man touching my body even as my mind roiled. As I began

24 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org Enthusiastic consent means: there are no reservations or discomfort on either side of a physical interaction; both participants are attuned to and listening to each other’s verbal and nonverbal signals; and both are placing the other’s total comfort ahead of their own desires.

to ask friends about their experiences, far placing the other’s total comfort ahead of more horrifying stories emerged of young their own desires. men who simply used the gendered power dynamics of purity culture against their From an ethical perspective, purity culture’s girlfriends and ultimately assaulted them. rules are actually far less robust than an Again and again, women took the blame. ethic of enthusiastic consent. Purity culture Purity culture—supposedly meant to keep locates responsibility for purity with the women safe—had left them vulnerable to individual, but consent culture insists that manipulation and violence. both individuals are responsible to one another. Purity culture implies that only Clearly, the “bare minimum” of consent is married people are entitled to sex; consent a standard far too few people have actually culture states that no one is entitled to sex. adopted. The rise of violent pornography, Purity culture warns people away from their the online harassment women experience bodies; consent culture invites them into their daily, and the #MeToo and #ChurchToo bodies. Purity culture places responsibility for movements all serve as evidence. We need communication on the sender of a message; more conversations everywhere we can consent culture emphasizes the importance muster the courage to have them—in of both speaking and listening. Purity culture churches, schools, bars, colleges, hospitals, determines the rightness or wrongness of an legislatures, and more. Perhaps especially action based on the beliefs of an individual; within the church, we have a great deal to consent culture determines it based on the learn about consent. context and quality of communication within a relationship and the values of both parties. A consent ethic for romantic relationships provides a higher standard than an ethic Instead of simply imposing rules out of fear, focused only on personal boundaries because our approach to decisions about physical it requires active and open communication touch should involve asking our significant and shared responsibility. It requires us others questions and listening to their to not only respect our own bodies but answers. This way, the decision-making also the bodies of others. Project Respect process itself becomes a part of the physical explains, “Consent is a mutual verbal, relationship. By asking these questions and physical, and emotional agreement that verbalizing these answers, we make space happens without manipulation, threats, for radical honesty—both with our partners or head games. Consent is a whole body and with ourselves. We begin to develop and experience. It is not just a verbal “yes” trust our own intuition to tell us not just or “no”—it involves paying attention to about our individual readiness to engage your partner as a person and checking in in an activity, but also about the health of with physical and emotional cues as well… a relationship; how we really feel about the Only yes means yes—and yes should come other person; and what we believe about sex from an engaged and enthusiastic partner.” and physical intimacy. Enthusiastic consent means 1) there are no reservations or discomfort on either side of Asking for consent takes maturity. It requires a physical interaction, 2) both participants everyone to be honest and clear about are attuned to and listening to each other’s their intentions, to speak their needs and verbal and nonverbal signals, and 3) both are boundaries out loud. It means taking an active

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 25 role in decision-making, not just acquiescing to the desires and pressures of others. It requires self-control and the ability In choosing between purity culture to cope when things don’t go our way. It encourages us to voice our opinions, needs, beliefs, hopes, and fears about our and a consent ethic, we are not relationships—even when it seems easier not to. choosing between upholding An ethic of consent does not (and should not) preclude Christian values and a no-rules rules, Christian beliefs, and boundaries. Instead, it shifts the responsibility for sharing, listening, and respecting sexual free-for-all. We are choosing beliefs and boundaries onto the person pursuing further intimacy—rather than placing the onus on the other person between fearfully controlling others to interrupt the encounter with “no.” When we learn that using shame and misinformation and intimacy is not intimacy without enthusiastic consent, we recover its intended purpose of bringing joy. We are also empowering believers to build healthy better able to intuit that something is not right when an activity or relationship brings shame, fear, worry, doubt, relationships and make informed, pain, or secrecy. positive decisions. Likewise, teaching people to develop intuition and communication skills doesn’t mean tossing out Christian Rules and referees seem, at first glance, more foolproof, values or expectations. It means equipping people to better and they’re certainly more straightforward. live out those values in the context of today. “I want to wait to have sex until marriage” is a belief—a what. Enthusiastic Yet, Jesus knew that when we focus only on keeping regulations, consent is the how—and the how requires ongoing, candid we lose our sense of imagination and adventure. We become conversation about putting that belief into practice in judgmental, petty, and mean—especially toward ourselves. intimate relationships. Perhaps worst of all, we come to think we can be perfect all by ourselves. On the other hand, when relationships are the Jesus’ preaching MO was to replace a legalistic, outwardly- focus of our lives, we are able to live with hope, excitement, and focused standard of behavior with a relationally-focused one. abundance. We bring compassion and creativity to each other Instead of “do not murder,” Jesus said “do not insult your and ourselves, because we are concerned not with outward brother or sister” (Matt. 5:22). Instead of just keeping the letter purity but with internal wholeness. of Sabbath regulations, he honored the spirit of the Sabbath: celebration, wholeness, and healing in community (Matt. At first glance, purity culture’s rules and whistle-blowing 12:7). Others accused him of being impure, and he didn’t referees can seem foolproof. In some ways, they are certainly bother to refute them; he simply went on loving (Matt. 9:11). more straightforward than a consent ethic. But where purity He knew the law-keepers cared less about holiness before God culture so often trains young people in habits of judgment than about keeping their lives tidy. and fear, a consent ethic consistently invites us to curiosity, honesty, and care. In choosing between purity culture and Teaching people to develop intuition a consent ethic, we are not choosing between upholding Christian values and a no-rules sexual free-for-all. We are and communication skills doesn’t choosing between fearfully controlling others using shame and misinformation and empowering believers to build healthy mean tossing out Christian values relationships and make informed, positive decisions. It is clear, or expectations. It means equipping to me at least, which of these paths follows in the way of Jesus. people to better live out those values Lyndsey Medford is the director of discipleship at Two Rivers Church in the context of today. in Charleston, SC. On her days off, she’s usually in her garden, mastering Determining our values, listening to our bodies, gluten-free baking, or at the beach with emotions, and intuitions, communicating about them her husband and rescue pup. Lyndsey in relationship, remaining open and curious toward writes about Jesus, justice, and joy on our partner, practicing self-control, and maintaining Instagram (@lyndseymedford) and at lyndseymedford.com. open communication throughout our relationships and throughout our lives can certainly be difficult work.

26 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org Reflect With Us by H. Edgar Hix

LOVE POEM FROM JOSEPH

Your life will be my life, and my life yours. Your son will be my son, his Father my Father. We will deal with the fallout from believers and unbelievers alike as we live and work, dream and play together. We will carry our heads high and our duty seriously. We will be to each other an Adam and Eve. We will live in our garden, snakes and all. Our hearts will beat as a rhythmic song that others may see, but only we and God will hear.

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 27 Ministry News

CBE is Partnering with Trailblazers In Rwanda

Rwanda Leads the World Rwanda’s government leads the world in female representation—64% of parliament members are women. That’s more than twice the global average of 24% and more than twice the record-breaking number of women now serving in the US Congress!

It is a remarkable achievement for any country, let alone one decimated by a 1994 genocide that left over 500,000 people dead. Following the tragedy, women stepped into leadership positions, and were key to reconciliation, reconstruction, and policy-making. Today, Rwanda is considered one of the safest, least corrupt, and most economically secure countries in Africa. The Church Remains a Barrier But according to some Rwandan pastors, that is only part of the story. CBE and EFOGE invited a team of Rwandan leaders, headed by Rev. Philbert Kalisa, to last year’s conference near Kampala, Uganda. During a meeting Rev. Kalisa told CBE that socially, gender equality is interpreted as empowering women over men, and the concept of biblical gender equality is a new one. He explained, “Women’s voices are not as strong as the numbers imply. While government is forcing gender equality, the culture and the church remain barriers. Local church leaders understand gender equality as a political issue and still teach that women are to submit. Families are not prepared [for this change], and rates of divorce and domestic violence are increasing.” CBE’s Collaboration Rev. Kalisa’s team sees a real need to leverage their expertise in healing and tribal reconciliation to promote and facilitate gender reconciliation. As Rev. Kalisa pointed out, “We experienced death. We can’t go back.” To support this effort, CBE will join them in Kigali, Rwanda, August 22–24 for an EFOGE conference titled, “Man and Woman, One in Christ: Engaging Faith Narratives for Justice and Equality.” In addition, CBE resources are being used to create curriculum for pilot projects with local government, churches, and NGOs.

28 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org Giving Opportunities

Invest in Girls!

Girls across the world face cultural, political, and economic barriers to an education that helps them achieve their dreams. Many girls miss school because of social stigmas that ostracize and humiliate them during menstruation. In fact, a UNESCO report estimates that 1 in 10 girls in Sub-Saharan Africa misses school due to their period, and some as much as 20% of the school year. Some girls drop out of school completely when they start menstruating. Adding to these burdens, the church, the voice of authority in many communities, often perpetuates beliefs and attitudes that prevent girls from going to school and doing their best. With support from you and CBE, local pastors in Kenya, Uganda, and Zimbabwe are breaking down these barriers by challenging religious and cultural gender norms. They are also providing practical support— sanitary pads. You can join them by making a gift at cbe.today/girls. • Donate $10 for a carton of 70 sanitary pads. • Donate $32 towards 10 books for teens on the Bible and gender. • Donate $250 to cover a one-day gender equality program for 25 students.

Thank you for joining with CBE and our local ministry partners to support girls as they pursue an education and achieve their dreams! Give securely online at cbe.today/conscholarships or mail a check with “educate girls” noted in the memo, or by phone (612-872-6898).

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 29 President’s Message by Mimi Haddad Debunking Eros

Recently, my graduate students discussed how US culture notes. As friendships deepen, the core of who we are is revealed— sometimes idolizes sex. Citing a friend, one said, “the orgasm has what we are called to accomplish, heal, create, and challenge. replaced the cross as the place of transcendence in 21st century American culture.” A recent study suggested that, though casual The pleasures of philia are not embodied, like eros. As Lewis notes, sex is more accepted than ever, loneliness is too.1 Twenty-seven the side-by-side work of those who share the same calling is where percent of Americans feel isolated, but loneliness is far worse we are surprised by joy and where we find deep companionship among eighteen to twenty-two year-olds, followed by Millennials. orchestrated by God. In this way, philia reveals the deeper meaning The least lonely were Americans aged seventy-two and older— of our lives, identity, and purpose. those having fewer sexual encounters.2 But just as culture elevates eros as the highest love and ignores Western culture often celebrates eros (romantic or sexual love) philia, so does the church. As egalitarians, this narrow concept exclusively, but Scripture speaks of four distinct types of love: of love should greatly concern us, because eros feeds, in part, the storge (love for those who are familiar, such as family, neighbors, church’s obsession with gender roles. When eros love is treasured coworkers, etc.), agape (God’s love), philia (love between kindred above any other kind of love, romantic relationships between spirits), and eros. men and women become our primary focus and we overlook the importance of philia. Philia is about sharing vision and ideas, Sometimes, it can seem like everyone is either in romantic love learning from one another, and discovering God’s purpose for or pursuing it. US culture and churches often elevate this kind our lives. This is the kind of love that fuels mutual submission of love, focusing an inordinate amount of energy, attention, and and equal dignity in men and women. It also builds healthy resources on dating, romance, and marriage. Other loves, like professional relationships between men and women. philia, are neglected. Gender roles separate men and women, limiting their opportunities Of the human loves, CS Lewis argued that philia offers the for philia as colleagues and co-leaders and the deep joy we all derive greatest joy and human connection.3 The least physical of the from love that is not romantic. Tragically, gender essentialism loves, philia is centered on shared interests. Eros means passion obscures the fullest purposes of women, because they are not for another or passion itself, whereas philia is the love that forms free to discover and fan into flame the gifts God has given them. friendships based on shared passion for an ideal, issue, or subject. Rather, men are given leadership roles and women are called only Philia brings people together, where they discover that they are to “roles” of submission/support. The impact of gender roles, in not alone. If you have ever been to a CBE conference, you would the workplace or romantic relationships, is that women must be know that they are absolute philia festivals. As one CBE supporter demure and submit, whereas men must be aggressive and bold. In wrote me recently: both cases, we limit our potential for philia—equal and passionate exchanges of ideas between men and women. This love flourishes I need to remind you how much CBE has done for my life. Those in egalitarian communities, because we value individuals for early conferences I attended, the books I carried home—like lessons what they think and their God-given calling, rather than their I learned, the recognition that I wasn’t alone in my thinking carried adherence to gender roles. We also subvert the narrow confines of me through some tough years. eros as the only love permitted to men and women.

As people discover they are not alone—that someone else holds the The deepest transcendence between humans is not the fruit of eros same view—new and powerful possibilities become evident. The but philia, and both are eclipsed by the transcendence of Christ power of philia is born. Those who thought they were alone are in the human soul. If Christians can gain a healthier regard for thrilled to discover traveling companions. As Lewis notes, this is philia—coupled with a robust critique of eros and how it promotes how movements begin! It also explains why people who want friends gender roles—our relationships as men and women gifted and have trouble finding them. Philia is always focused outward, Lewis called to flourish side by side will be happier and healthier.

1. Kasandra Brabaw, “This Is How Often People Actually Have One-Night Stands,” Refinery 29, June 2017, https://www.refinery29.com/en- us/2017/06/157756/one-night-stand-casual-sex-facts. 2. Alexa Lardieri, “Study: Many Americans Report Feeling Lonely, Younger Generations More So,” US News and World Report, May 2018, https://www. usnews.com/news/health-care-news/articles/2018-05-01/study-many-americans-report-feeling-lonely-younger-generations-more-so. 3. Lewis, CS. The Four Loves. London: HarperCollins Publishers, 1960.

30 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 website: cbeinternational.org CBE INTERNATIONAL CBE SUBSCRIPTION / MEMBERSHIP Mission Statement APPLICATION CBE International (CBE) exists to promote biblical justice and community by educating Christians that the Bible calls women and men ______to share authority equally in service and leadership in the home, church, name and world. ______Statement of Faith street address • We believe in one God, creator and sustainer of the universe, eternally ______city existing as three persons equal in power and glory. • We believe in the full deity and the full humanity of Jesus Christ. ______• We believe that eternal salvation and restored relationships are only state / province / country zip / postal code possible through faith in Jesus Christ who died for us, rose from the ______dead, and is coming again. This salvation is offered to all people. phone email address • We believe the Holy Spirit equips us for service and sanctifies us from sin. • We believe the Bible is the inspired word of God, is reliable, and is the Subscription / Membership Fees (US dollars) final authority for faith and practice. • We believe that women and men are equally created in God’s image Print Subscriptions US Int’l and given equal authority and stewardship of God’s creation. CBE Journals � $50 � $61 • We believe that men and women are equally responsible for and (incl. Mutuality, Priscilla Papers) distorted by sin, resulting in shattered relationships with God, self, and � � others. Mutuality Subscription $22 $33 Priscilla Papers Subscription � $33 � $44 Core Values Church and Organization Membership • Scripture is our authoritative guide for faith, life, and practice. • Patriarchy (male dominance) is not a biblical ideal but a result of sin. Membership includes journal subscriptions, conference • Patriarchy is an abuse of power, taking from females what God has discounts, and more. Visit cbe.today/orgrenew for more details. given them: their dignity, and freedom, their leadership, and often � their very lives. 1–100 people $66 • While the Bible reflects patriarchal culture, the Bible does not teach 101–500 people � $105 patriarchy in human relationships. 501–1000 people � $165 • Christ’s redemptive work frees all people from patriarchy, calling 1001–2000 people � $259 women and men to share authority equally in service and leadership. � • God’s design for relationships includes faithful marriage between 2001–5000 people $358 a man and a woman, celibate singleness and mutual submission in 5001+ people � $462 Christian community. Additional Contribution $ ______• The unrestricted use of women’s gifts is integral to the work of the Holy Spirit and essential for the advancement of the gospel in the TOTAL $ ______world. • Followers of Christ are to oppose injustice and patriarchal teachings CBE is an exempt organization as described in IRC Sec. 501(c)3 and as such and practices that marginalize and abuse females and males. donations qualify as charitable contributions where allowed by law.

To learn more about CBE’s values, history, and ministry, Payment Method visit cbe.today/info. � Check/Money Order (payable to CBE International) � Visa � MasterCard � Discover � American Express GET CONNECTED WITH CBE ______account number expiration date Connect with CBE online to learn more about us, enjoy the resources we offer, and take part in our ministry. ______verification code (the four digits on the top right corner of American Express cards or final three digits found on the back of other cards) Visit our website, cbeinternational.org, to find ______thousands of free resources—articles, book reviews, and signature video and audio recordings. Please mail or fax this form to: CBE International Follow our blog, Arise (cbe.today/blog). 122 W Franklin Ave, Suite 218, Minneapolis, MN 55404-2451 Follow us on Twitter @CBEInt (twitter.com/cbeint). Phone: (612) 872-6898 | Fax: (612) 872-6891 Email: [email protected] Find us on Facebook (facebook.com/cbeint). Web: cbeinternational.org

bookstore: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 31 CBE International Non-Profit Org. 122 West Franklin Ave, Suite 218 U.S. POSTAGE Minneapolis, MN 55404-2451 PAID Jefferson City, MO Forwarding Service Requested Permit No. 210

For more resources, browse

CBE Bookstore. cbeBookstore Visit cbebookstore.org providing quality resources on biblical gender equality New at CBE’s Bookstore!

Raise Your Voice Influence Starts with “I” Priscilla Hermanas Why We Stay Silent and How to A Woman’s Guide for Unleashing the The Life of an Early Christian Deepening Our Identity and Growing Speak Up Power of Leading from Within and Ben Witherington III Our Influence Natalia Kohn Rivera, Noemi Kathy Khang Affecting Change Around You In this work of historical fiction, Jeanne Porter King Priscilla looks back on her long life Vega Quiñones, and Kristy Garza You have a voice. And you have God’s and remembers the ways she has Robinson permission to use it. Influence is power. Influence skills are important ingredients to effective participated in the early church. God calls Latinas to lives of influence. In some communities, certain voices leadership in today’s complex Priscilla’s story makes the first- The authors share their own journeys are amplified and elevated while organizations and institutions. In her century world come alive and helps as Latinas and leaders. They find others are erased and suppressed. latest title, leadership coach King readers connect the events and mentorship in twelve inspirational What can we do about it? Khang provides a guide for developing the correspondence in different New women of the Bible including Esther, offers insights from faithful heroes who personal side of leadership. This guide Testament books. Witherington Rahab, Mary, and Lydia, who raised their voices for the sake of God’s helps you to identify your leadership combines biblical scholarship and navigated challenges of brokenness justice, and she shows how we can do purpose, develop an influence mindset, winsome storytelling to give readers and suffering, being bicultural, and the same today, in person, in social use your power strategically, negotiate a vivid picture of an important New crossing borders. The insights here will media, in organizations, and in the gender barriers, build your support Testament woman. help any who seek to empower Latinas public square. system, and more. in leadership.