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Summer 2019 Men and women serving and leading as equals Single. Dating. Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want the Church to Know page 8 What If Singleness Isn’t Failure? page 12 It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached page 24 CONTENTS DEPARTMENTS 3 From the Editor Welcome to the Jungle: The Dating Adventures of Smart Women and Fragile Men a Fifty-Something Egalitarian 4 A baby boomer shares about dating while staying true to her values. 7 Praise and Prayer by Cindy J. Hurd 27 Reflect with Us Love Poem from Joseph Single. Dating. Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want 8 the Church to Know 28 Ministry News A woman pastor reflects on the challenges of singleness and dating. 29 Giving Opportunities by Alicia McClintic 30 President’s Message What If Singleness Isn’t Failure? Debunking Eros A single believer questions how the church defines success and happiness. 12 by Krysti Wilkinson Lessons from Eliezer: What an Old Testament EDITORIAL STAFF Matchmaker Has to Say About Egalitarian Dating Editor: Tim Krueger/Rachel Asproth How Scripture can equip us for today’s dating world. Graphic Designer: Mary Quint 16 by Kay Bonikowky Publisher/President: Mimi Haddad A Tale of Two Rapes: What Tamar and Bathsheba Teach Us About Power, Consent, and Sexual 20 Violence We classify Tamar as a rape victim, but not Bathsheba. Why? by Erin Moniz It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached 24 Why consent is a more robust sexual ethic than purity culture. by Lyndsey Medford Mutuality is published quarterly by CBE Advertising in Mutuality does not imply International, 122 W Franklin Ave, Suite organizational endorsement. Please note 218; Minneapolis, MN 55404-2451. that neither CBE International, nor the editor, nor the editorial team is responsible We welcome your comments, article or legally liable for any content or any submissions, and advertisements. Visit statements made by any author, but the cbe.today/mutuality. legal responsibility is solely that author’s once an article appears in Mutuality. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise Mutuality vol. 26, no. 2, Summer 2019 indicated, are taken from the 2011 CBE grants permission for any original revision of the Holy Bible, New International article (not a reprint) to be photocopied Cover design by Mary Quint Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, for local use provided no more than 1,000 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by copies are made, they are distributed free, permission. All rights reserved worldwide. the author is acknowledged, and CBE is Mutuality (ISSN: 1533-2470) exists recognized as the source. to make egalitarian theology accessible to the non-scholar and to explore its intersection with everyday life. 2 MUTUALITY | Summer 2019 WEBSITE: cbeinternational.org From the Editor by Tim Krueger Smart Women and Fragile Men: How Patriarchy Shapes Identity and Romance Do men want to date smart women? This was For centuries, Christians have taught that men the question behind a 2015 study published by are superior to women, and these teachings the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.1 have contributed to the cultural values that What the study learned is that men like the shape American society. Much has changed, A Farewell… idea of dating women who are smarter than but many of the ideas that uphold supposed them, but when they meet an actual woman male superiority persist. For instance, popular This will be my last issue as who fits the profile, they suddenly become wisdom holds that men make better, more much less interested. rational decisions. Evidence shows otherwise.4 editor of Mutuality, as the next step in my career will take me Why? According to one of the researchers, Patriarchy is intertwined with masculine away from CBE. I am eternally “when men were outperformed by a woman in a identity, too. Boys learn that to throw like a girl grateful for the opportunity to domain that they cared about—intelligence— is humiliating and that being “disrespected” have served in this role. I have they felt threatened, assessed by diminished (made uncomfortable or embarrassed) by a been challenged, humbled, self-ratings of masculinity, which then led woman is degrading. Boys are told that women and inspired by the authors them to act in a way counter to what their are equal but shown that manhood requires expressed ideal preferences were.”2 In other them to be better than women at things like and readers I have worked words, they felt like less of a man in the reason, intelligence, athleticism, leadership, with over the last six years. I presence of a smarter woman. income, and physical and emotional strength. hope and pray that you have been as well. Reading this, one is reminded of a controversial To the extent that patriarchy defines one’s interview in which Baptist leader John Piper masculinity, equality will be emasculating. suggested that it was okay for a man to read This is the reality revealed by the dating I am thrilled to share that a commentary by a woman or obey laws and study. Sadly, this is the kind of masculinity Rachel Asproth, CBE’s award- structures created by women, but it was not promoted by many Christians. winning blog editor, will be okay for him to learn from her in person. When it comes to navigating romantic taking the reins. If you have Learning at a distance, he says, does not seen her work, you know that involve gender (because a man can ignore the relationships, patriarchal patterns appear fact that the writer is female), but he cannot at every turn. The good news is it doesn’t her skills in writing and editing ignore her gender in person. As a result, have to be this way. Egalitarians the world dwarf my own. I am confident learning from a woman in person demeans a over are setting aside patriarchal norms, that under her leadership, the man’s manhood.3 doing the work of identity re-formation, best is yet to come. modeling romantic relationships that better To some Christians, the 2015 study on dating reflect Scripture’s ideal, and challenging the confirms Piper’s views. I would suggest that idolization of marriage in some circles. In this In Christ, what we are seeing is evidence of patriarchy issue, our authors invite you on that journey Tim Krueger in American culture—Christian and secular. with them. 1. Lora E. Park, Ariana F. Young, and Paul W. Eastwick, “(Psychological) Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: Effects of Psychological Distance and Relative Intelligence on Men’s Attraction to Women,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, August 2015, https://journals.sagepub.com/ doi/10.1177/0146167215599749. 2. Jenna Birch, “Do Men Want to Date Intelligent Women?” Psychology Today, Feb. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/navigating-the-love- gap/201802/do-men-want-date-intelligent-women. 3. Interview with John Piper, “Do You Use Bible Commentaries Written by Women?” DesiringGod, March 2013, https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/ do-you-use-bible-commentaries-written-by-women. 4. Kathy Caprino, “How Decision-Making Is Different Between Men and Women and Why It Matters in Business,”Forbes , May 2016, https://www.forbes.com/ sites/kathycaprino/2016/05/12/how-decision-making-is-different-between-men-and-women-and-why-it-matters-in-business/#423bbeb94dcd. BOOKSTORE: cbebookstore.org MUTUALITY | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 3 Welcome to the Jungle: The Dating Adventures of a Fifty-Something Egalitarian by Cindy J. Hurd After surviving a tumultuous divorce, I I faithfully go to church but feel out place found myself in my fifties, newly single and sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. People are surveying an unknown dating landscape. kind and sympathetic toward my uninvited After embracing an egalitarian viewpoint in singleness. Still, church culture generally the 80s when I attended a church pastored leans toward married couples. Attendance by Bishop LaDonna Osborne, I knew I was can amplify my loneliness, especially when looking for an equal partner. The mission— I watch couples leave for lunch together if I chose to accept it—was to find a man afterwards. It is a painful reminder that I’m who shared my belief in co-leadership and no longer part of a twosome. Those who mutual submission. have experienced a divorce themselves are the most sympathetic, frequently inviting I soon learned that finding an egalitarian me to dinner on holidays when I can’t get https://www.istockphoto.com/vector/pair- man is a daunting task. sitting-in-a-restaurant-and-holding-hands- home to family. gm941275680-257275121 I was also out of practice at dating, having As for potential dates at church, there’s only been married for twenty plus years. I read a a small pool of fellows available. I’ve also number of books on everything from how observed that some men in my age range to catch the right guy, to how often to text, seem to be looking for a woman ten or to who should chase whom, to safety issues more years younger. Oddly, I’m dubbed—by when online dating, to topics to discuss or some—too old to date a man I might have avoid on dates. Eventually I decided that attended kindergarten with. The analytical I could sit at home in my hut and read and cynical part of my brain wonders if books, or I could swing headfirst into the part of the reason some men seek younger dating jungle. In the four years since, I have spouses is so they can sling them in the walked a mile in many different shoes: high face of the wives they mistreated and then heels for dinner downtown, hiking boots discarded—after those wives have paid the for the Appalachian Trail, water shoes for physical price of birthing and raising men’s kayaking the Potomac, athletic shoes for children.