written by Ethan Crystal please dont steal this thanks
1. backpack
episode 1 of [untitled series]
written by Ethan Crystal
ethancrystal.com || [email protected] || @ethancrystal1 !2
EXT: PORTLAND, OREGON - DAY A widewritten view of a city by block. Ethan Nestled in theCrystal middle is a tiny, pretty bad coffeeshop. The weather is not great either. There is one thin table outside, occupied by two longtime college friends: ADAM, wearing a hoodie, and pleaseOLIVIA, who dontlooks nice. steal A cheerful thisbut awkward thanks time.
ADAM That’s like a great opportunity for you.
OLIVIA Yeah! I know, I mean fingers crossed.
ADAM Yeah, I hope you get it. God I can’t even imagine. I could never be a teacher yknow.
OLIVIA Oh, it’s whatever. Kids.
ADAM Pfft Yeah! Kids.
(lapse)
OLIVIA Yeah like I’m nervous but I hope I get it. I think it would be fun.
ADAM I think you will.
OLIVIA Ehhh I don’t know.
ADAM I mean who else do they have?
OLIVIA I don’t know, anyone?
ADAM I think you’ll get it.
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OLIVIA writtenThanks! I hopeby so. Ethan Crystal (lapse) please dont OLIVIA steal (cont’d) this thanks So, what did you wanna talk about?
ADAM Huh?
OLIVIA Yknow, you wanted to meet, and talk.
ADAM Oh. I mean like not anything in particular, I just wanted to hang out.
OLIVIA Oh.
ADAM Yknow, like, its been a while.
OLIVIA Yeah! I know, it’s weird, I never see you anymore.
ADAM Yeah.
OLIVIA Not even between classes or anything.
ADAM Yeah. It’s weird.
(lapse. they sip their coffee. OLIVIA looks around.)
OLIVIA Welp. Here we a-
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ADAM I mean we used to hang out a lot more, writtenlike back inby January, Ethan February, CrystalMarch, sort of?
OLIVIA please Yeah.dont steal this thanks
[FLASHBACK] OLIVIA and ADAM fuck in a bedroom in January. A ROCK SONG plays (instrumental only)
BACK TO CAFE
OLIVIA Yeah, yeah.
[FLASHBACK] OLIVIA and ADAM fuck in a classroom in February.
BACK TO CAFE
OLIVIA ...March?
ADAM Like early March.
(OLIVIA pauses, trying to remember)
[FLASHBACK] (split second) OLIVIA and ADAM fuck in a closet in early March.
BACK TO CAFE
OLIVIA Oh yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
ADAM Yeah, so that was like, and then I dunno, school happened -
OLIVIA Yeah, I never see you anymore.
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ADAM And like there wasn’t any particular writtenreason, but by we just Ethan like stopped. Crystal Hanging out. Yknow?
OLIVIA please Yeah.dont Weird. steal this thanks
ADAM I know right?
OLIVIA Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been really bus–
ADAM (spiraling) And it’s funny that we stopped like I was totally ok with the amount of hanging out? Yknow? Like I was never like “ohh no it’s Olivia ohh what am I gonna do, I don’t want that”
OLIVIA Haha yeah, I was just super bu -
ADAM (making a funny face) “I don’t wanna hang out with her! Oh she smells or something oh” yknow,
OLIVIA Yeah, I was just really b-
ADAM So I kinda just thought “well what’s stopping us from hanging out?”
(pause. OLIVIA silently mourns the loss of her friend, the sweet ADAM she knew, to horniness? Feelings? She can’t tell. But he’s got it bad.)
OLIVIA I don’t know! I don’t know.
ADAM Yeah! Right?? So like -
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OLIVIA writtenBut I was sayingby IEthan was just - Crystal ADAM It was almost like, you like, deleted please mydont number or stealsomething. Hahahahathis thanks OLIVIA No! Hahahaha nooo I didn’t delete your number. Noooo! Cmon. No. I wouldn’t do that. No. I didn’t delete your number. I -
ADAM So we should hang out more. Before the end of the year.
OLIVIA ...Yeah, I just,
ADAM Hm?
OLIVIA I...It’s...I don’t...
ADAM ...what?
OLIVIA ...do you know? Like, what I’m...
ADAM (he doesn’t) ...uh
OLIVIA Well I just...I don’t know how to...
ADAM You don’t wanna hang out?
OLIVIA No! No no, I’m down to hang out. I’m TOTALLY down to hang out. It’s just -
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ADAM writtenGreat! Awesome. by Ethan Crystal OLIVIA ...okay! please dont ADAM steal this thanks Yeah, I mean, I just, it’s been a long time, and,
OLIVIA Yeah.
ADAM I never see you anymore, and,
OLIVIA I know! And like -
ADAM I miss you.
(pause. That was kind of sweet. Maybe he’s still in there?)
OLIVIA I miss you too.
ADAM Youuuu busy on Friday?
OLIVIA Uhhhhh I dunno!
ADAM I think Stacy & some people are doing Boiler Room.
OLIVIA Yeah! Sure. Fuck yeah!
ADAM It might be band night though...
OLIVIA (laughing) Oh my god, remember, what was that song -
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ADAM written“I’m gonna bybreak theseEthan chains Crystal tonight”...
OLIVIA please Ohdont my god hahaha steal this thanks
ADAM “I’m never gonna see the light, I’m gonna fight until it’s mine”...
OLIVIA Wow you like really remember it!
They laugh and reminisce for a moment, then settle down.
A moment passes.
ADAM Yeah and I know thats out of your way, so if you need to crash my apartment’s like right th-
OLIVIA That’s exactly what I don’t want.
(long pause)
TITLE SEQUENCE
Chipper and short. A ROCK SONG plays, the real life version of “I’m Gonna Break These Chains” (the song ADAM was singing, and the song from the fuck flashbacks). A series of shots of Portland. Hipster neighborhoods, mid-city college campus, band/event posters on flyers.
“1. Backpack”
jump cut to:
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INT:written ADAM’s APARTMENT by - DAY Ethan Crystal A messy college apartment. There is an upright piano that they somehow managed to get inside the tiny space. SEAN, pleaseADAM’s cooler dont roommate, steal stands by thethis fridge. thanks He is drinking a cocktail.
cut lands right on the line:
SEAN Howd it go?
ADAM stands in the doorway, surprised for a moment. It’s clear he had just opened the door.
ADAM Great! It went great. It was great. Good talk, we like, yknow, cleared the air -
SEAN I wrote a song just now.
ADAM She’s got this teaching thi – you wrote a song?
SEAN Just now.
ADAM Okay.
SEAN (walking toward the piano) You wanna hear it?
ADAM You know I kinda thought you wanted to hear about my talk with Olivia, because you asked about it-
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SEAN sits at the piano, playing and singing a song in Contemporarywritten Musical byTheatre Ethan style. The cameraCrystal work shifts, subtly, for a brief moment into a movie-musical-esque thing. please dont SEAN steal this thanks (singing) YOU’RE PATHETIC SO PATHETIC YOU’RE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT AND YOU’RE PATHETIC
ADAM Okay.
SEAN (continuing) YOU’RE SWEETER THAN A TYPE 2 DIABETIC AND ALSO, YOU’RE PATHETIC
ADAM Very nice.
SEAN Oh just wait for it.
The MUSIC crescendos & accelerates.
SEAN IN SPITE OF YOUR DESIRE YOU COULD NEVER SATISFY HER SO YOU TRIED TO WRAP HER LIFE INTO YOUR WEB JUST LIKE A SPIDER
ADAM Oh that’s good.
SEAN -BUT YOU KNOW SHE’D NEVER LET IT CUZ SHE KNOWS SHE WOULD REGRET IT SO SHE BUZZED HER LITTLE WINGS OUT OF YOUR SPIDER TRAP AND FLED IT CUZ YOU’RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
ADAM A half-rhyme for the big finish?? I thought you didn’t like th-
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written by Ethan Crystal SEAN /OOOOOUUUUUCH a f*ggot.1 pleaseBoomp! The songdont ends abruptly.steal Back this to normal thanks camera work.
ADAM Wow.
SEAN I’m still workshopping it but I think it’s in a good place.
ADAM Don’t you think using that word all the time kind of like, normalizes it? Like makes people think its ok?
SEAN thinks.
SEAN You’re right. You’re right. I’m wrong.
SEAN types on his laptop.
SEAN There, I changed it.
ADAM walks over and looks at the new word. He looks at SEAN.
SEAN I dare you to say it.
ADAM I’m - no.
SEAN I’ll give you 10 dollars.
ADAM Why- No. I’m, neither of us are b-
1 “f*ggot” is bleeped as such
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SEAN written-bad people, by and weEthan know that. ICrystal know you’re a good guy, and you know I’m a good guy- please dont ADAM steal this thanks Debatable.
SEAN -and we’re all alone, so just say it. This is a safe space.
ADAM Why do you do this. Why are you doing this.
SEAN gets up and refills his cocktail, also pouring one for ADAM.
SEAN Because I can see you withering under the burden of being on top of the cultural food chain every single day, and I feel your apology for your existence seeping out of your pores, and everyone can smell it, and frankly, it brings us down, and I think it would do you a lot of good, and it would be empowering, for you to just say this word, one time, just to me, to prove that you are not a slave to it.
ADAM A SLA- oh my god.
SEAN Stop being a f*g2 and say it.
ADAM (angrier) Stop calling me that!
2 “f*g” is bleeped as such
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SEAN (having the time of his life) writtenI’m allowed by to say Ethan it!! You can’t Crystal tell me not to say it!
ADAM please Welldont I can’t stealsay it, so it’sthis not fair,thanks when you -
SEAN You can say it to me! I don’t care!
ADAM Really.
SEAN Yes.
ADAM I can say that word to your face, and you won’t care? You won’t feel anything?
SEAN I swear to God. Who hates me.
Beat.
SEAN I’ll give you 20 dollars. (pointing to laptop) 30 for that.
ADAM Not saying that.
SEAN 20 then.
Beat. ADAM really needs $20, and SEAN knows it.
SEAN Look me in the eye.
Beat.
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ADAM (un-bleeped, and awkwardly loud) writtenFaggot. by Ethan Crystal SEAN throws his cocktail in ADAM’s face. ADAM immediately pleaseruns to his dontroom. steal this thanks ADAM FUCK you!
SEAN (breaking character) I’m sorry!! Come back!! Come back I’ll get you a towel I’m sorry -
ADAM I have a towel!
SEAN It was too good I couldn’t resist I’m kidding I’m sorry and also I don’t have $20 right now -
ADAM slams the door to his room, smash cutting to
INT: OLIVIA’s APARTMENT - DAY
OLIVIA is drinking tea with her cooler roommate AMANDA. The apartment in frame has a neat, girly appearance.
AMANDA Olivia, I think he’s a really good guy. I think he gets in his head and locks up and doesn’t know how to express himself but underneath, like, he’s a really nice, sensitive guy. I think you should give him a chance.
(pause)
AMANDA Here.
AMANDA shows OLIVIA a picture on her phone. She’s not talking about ADAM, but about some dude. It’s a douchey
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looking guy standing next to a motorcycle, smoking a cigarette,written and flipping by the Ethanbird. OLIVIA nods.Crystal The apartment is actually very messy, except for the exact frame of the first shot. please dont AMANDA steal (pointing this to his thanksface) Look at that. Bicycle seat. Right?
OLIVIA That’s a motorcycle.
AMANDA focuses her attention on OLIVIA. She is startling when she does this.
AMANDA What’s wrong. Where are you.
OLIVIA (startled) Please don’t -
AMANDA Hmm. Hmmmmm. Hmm.
OLIVIA I don’t like the fortune teller, I don’t like this. I told you -
AMANDA You’re gonna get the job.
OLIVIA I don’t KNOW if I’ll get the job! Why does everyone in the world assume I will get everything I want in my life?
AMANDA Because you’re the only smart person on the entire planet and they’d be stupid not to hire you.
OLIVIA Then why would they?
AMANDA stops in her tracks and processes this.
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AMANDA Do you understand that that’s amazing, writtenand no one bycan do Ethanthat? Crystal OLIVIA please Um.dont Thank you, steal I g- this thanks AMANDA If I could slam someone’s shit like that in two words I would be in charge of the entire fucking world so what I’m saying is that it’s yours to have! It’s yours! It’s your world and we’re living in it Olivia. Wow this is strong I feel this already.
OLIVIA Yeah I told you it’s strong its like an edible. So don’t drink it all before the park.
AMANDA gulps down the rest of her weed tea.
AMANDA One more headass question.
OLIVIA Forever, this week, today,
AMANDA This hour.
OLIVIA Okay.
AMANDA When was the last time you were happy?
OLIVIA thinks.
FLASHBACK to a MEMORY
INT: UNKNOWN BATHROOM - EVENING
A few months earlier at least - her hair is different.
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OLIVIA looks in the mirror of the small bathroom of an unknown apartment, finishing putting on a sleep shirt. She releaseswritten a tension inby her eyesEthan we hadn’t noticedCrystal before, and looks, for a moment, content. A slight (but noticeable) muffled singing noise is heard outside. pleaseOLIVIA’s mirror dont image suddenlysteal changes this in demeanor,thanks and she speaks into the camera, to herself.
OLIVIA No, not this one. Don’t tell her this one. Do something else.
OLIVIA’s memory cuts abruptly to
ANOTHER MEMORY
INT: OLIVIA’S CHILDHOOD LIVING ROOM, CHRISTMAS DAY
OLIVIA, age 8, opens an entire box set of National Geographic magazines and squeals with joy.
OLIVIA (V.O.) No, too far.
ANOTHER MEMORY
INT: AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GYMNASIUM, DAY
OLIVIA, age 11, poses with a massive spelling bee trophy.
OLIVIA (V.O.) No.
ANOTHER MEMORY
EXT: A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY, DAY
OLIVIA, age 17, accepts a large award for valedictorian.
OLIVIA (V.O.) No! Not academic, not sad, recent, change the subject.
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ANOTHERwritten MEMORY by Ethan Crystal EXT: THE PRETTY BAD COFFEESHOP - DAY
POV OLIVIA, who’s at coffee with ADAM (from opening scene). pleaseADAM (barely dont audible) issteal going on inthis great detailthanks & passion about a subject he knows nothing about.
OLIVIA (V.O.) No, no, no, no, no, no,
SHE glances away from him going on about something to see a beautiful big fluffy dog on a walk.
OLIVIA (V.O.) YES!
back to
THE PRESENT
INT: OLIVIA’s APARTMENT - DAY
OLIVIA I saw a dog today!
AMANDA Shut the fuck up. What kind of dog.
INT: ADAM’s ROOM - DAY
ADAM yells from his bed.
ADAM I don’t wanna go to a concert.
INT: ADAM & SEAN’s BATHROOM - DAY
SEAN is taking a shit, holding two CONCERT TICKETS.
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SEAN writtenJust look atby the ticket.Ethan Crystal INT: ADAM & SEAN’S LIVING ROOM - DAY pleaseFOCUS on the dont space between steal the closed this doors thanksof ADAM’s room and the bathroom, which is small enough where ADAM and SEAN can hear each other perfectly.
ADAM (muffled) I’m not gonna look.
SEAN (muffled) Loooooook.
INT: ADAM & SEAN’s BATHROOM - DAY
SEAN washes his hands in the mirror. [NOTICE that this is the bathroom from OLIVIA’s flashback.]
SEAN Look at the ticket. You have to look at the ticket.
ADAM Can’t you just let me be sad by myself for five minutes -
SEAN steps out of the BATHROOM and into the hallway, immediately very close to ADAM’s bedroom door.
SEAN I let you be sad every day of your life, because you are always sad. /“I’m not always sad!”
ADAM /I’m not always sad!
SEAN And you’re predictable. (beat)
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ADAM You know what? Fine. I am sad, because writtenI made it weird,by andEthan I always makeCrystal it weird, it’s like “I’m Mr. MakeItWeird” and thats my whole thing and it’s how everybody knows me, and you just like please todont juggle me stealin your little this thanks IKnowEverythingAboutEverything hands, and throw me in the air for a second and right when I think you helped me figure it out, you drop me as a joke!!! And you seem to think it “loosens me up” or something, but it actually hurts, man, and it speaks to the truth that you’re not my friend. And you never were my friend. So ask yourself, logically, why would I want to go to a concert, with someone who is not my fr-
SEAN Olivia’s going.
jump to BY THE PIANO. ADAM studies the ticket with his friend SEAN.
ADAM Section 1A mid…is that like the mosh pit.
SEAN It’s not like the mosh pit. It’s THE mosh pit.
ADAM Who the fuck is “Stone”?
SEAN gasps a huge gasp. TRAP MUSIC slowly starts to build.
SEAN Who the fuck is Stone? How have you not heard of Stone??? Stone is a genius, and he’s in town TONIGHT, and he’s the fucking biggest underground rapper in the fucking universe.
jump to
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EXT:written STONE MUSIC VIDEO. by - NIGHTEthan Crystal The BEAT drops. STONE appears, in a music video. Expensive cars, women, fire, money. He is the king of the underground game. XXXTentacion. Pop Smoke. 6ix9ine. Crazy, dangerous pleaseenergy. He raps.dont steal this thanks
STONE YOU ON SOME SHIT (stone) I’M ON SOME DICK (stone) YOU ON SOME BULLSHIT (stone) I’M ON THAT YUNG DICK (stone!)
back to
INT: ADAM and SEAN’s APARTMENT - DAY
SEAN These are 20 dollar tickets that I got for FREE.
ADAM Holy shit.
SEAN Yeah.
ADAM How did you get these?
(trap music builds and drops again)
SEAN (coyly) I know a guy.
jump back to
EXT: STONE MUSIC VIDEO. - NIGHT
Same vibe as before, except with RICK, STONE’s very white middle-aged manager, included. STONE raps, owning the screen, daring you to even think the words “Lonely Island”. The words are silly, but he is no joke. Or is he?
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STONE HIS NAME IS RICK (Rick) writtenRICK IS MY byMANAGER Ethan (Rick Rick) Crystal HES NOT A RAPPER (Stone) THIS ISN’T PART OF THE SONG (Stone!/ please Rick!)dont steal this thanks EXT: STONE’s TRAILER - DAY.
STONE’s trailer, in a large parking lot. RICK stands outside the door, in a suit. He knocks.
RICK Hey Stone, buddy?
STONE emerges, in a colorful robe, holding a drink, accompanied by a fat cloud.
STONE Yaaaaugh Rickyyy whats good.
RICK (whitely) I’m tight. Got a minute?
STONE Go.
RICK reads from a clipboard.
RICK This is from “Stone Cold, Ice Cold”: “You on some shit, I’m on some dick, you on some bullshit, I’m on that yung dick” -
STONE (doing the ad lib) Stone!
RICK flips the page to a large stack of paper.
RICK Yes. And THIS is 25,000 tweets with your name next to the word -
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STONE, without looking, cooly takes the stack of papers and ripswritten them up. by Ethan Crystal STONE Man you are like the uncle tom of gay please peopledont man. It’ssteal 2020! this thanks RICK I know, but -
STONE I’m gay. I’m straight. Who gives a fuck.
RICK I’m just doin’ my job, you told me to keep it real, and I don’t want you to get pigeonholed -
STONE Ima fuck your girl. Ima suck your dick until you cum. And then, Ima kill you.
(beat)
RICK That’s not the track I was talking about, but we should have a conversation about the length of that title.
STONE That is fair. That’s a very long title.
RICK Anyways, end of minute, “Stone Cold Ice Cold” was a hit but let’s make the next lead single on the forthcoming album something a little more -
STONE Second.
RICK What?
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STONE writtenSecond coming by album. Ethan I only got Crystalone. RICK Right. I know that. please dont STONE steal this thanks You said fourth.
RICK I...oh. No, I meant “forthcoming al-
STONE You supposed to be my manager.
RICK I am your manager.
STONE Then how about you count how many fuckin albums I got before you pick apart my LYRICS!
STONE throws his drink on RICK’s suit.
STONE (cont’d) Ya feel me?
RICK Right. Sorry.
RICK exits. STONE mugs a moment.
STONE (pointedly) Damn.
EXT: A DINGY PUBLIC PARK - DAY
AMANDA, OLIVIA, and two STONERS are smoking under a large rainbow gym class parachute. The weather is a little better. Still not great.
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INT: UNDER THE PARACHUTE AMANDA,written as OLIVIA predicted, by Ethan is super high Crystal from the weed tea.
AMANDA please There’sdont no WAYsteal theres more this grains thanksof sand than stars theres no fucking way you’re all morons. Stars is infinite. Grains of sand is only earth.
MALE STONER You are blasted and that is adorable.
AMANDA You’re a fucking moron and your dick doesn’t work.
MALE STONER (with ad lib from all) WHOA OH MY GOD
FEMALE STONER Your dick doesn’t work?
MALE STONER No! No, why would you say that, that came out of nowhere.
AMANDA No it didn’t.
MALE STONER Yes it did.
AMANDA No, it didn’t.
MALE STONER Yes, it -
AMANDA It didn’t come at all because it doesn’t work.
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OLIVIA laughs at this, and sputters into a long coughing fit.written She’s holding theby piece. Ethan Crystal AMANDA (to OLIVIA) See??? See I’m learning. I’m getting please there.dont steal this thanks FEMALE STONER What are you talking about?
MALE STONER (taking his opportunity) (to OLIVIA) Is that Adam’s piece?
OLIVIA What?
MALE STONER Adam’s piece. That’s definitely his, I recognize it.
OLIVIA Uh. I don’t think so.
FEMALE STONER Where is Adam? I haven’t seen him in a while.
OLIVIA Uhhhh I don’t know where he is, why is that a me question?
FEMALE STONER Cuz you have his piece.
OLIVIA I mean it might be his. I’m not sure.
AMANDA Can we talk about something else?
OLIVIA Yes! Thank you Amanda, let’s talk about something else, I actually just did a final round interview for a teaching j-
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AMANDA writtenNever have byI ever Ethanhad sex with Adam.Crystal (pause)
AMANDA (to OLIVIA) please Putdont one down. steal Put. Put a thisfinger down.thanks
FEMALE STONER Oh my god thats RIGHT.
MALE STONER Oh yeah.
FEMALE STONER Didn’t he come to your house in like a tuxedo or something?
FLASHBACK to A MEMORY
INT: OLIVIA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Around 11pm. Sometime in January, February, or early March.
OLIVIA opens the door to her apartment building, revealing ADAM in an ill-fitting tuxedo. He is holding a crumpled bag of (a copyright exempt facsimile of) Taco Bell, and a rose.
The confidence drains from his face when he sees (we don’t) OLIVIA’s reaction.
ADAM What? Too much?
back to
INT: UNDER THE PARACHUTE
OLIVIA I really don’t want to -
MALE STONER When was that?
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AMANDA Like February, March, like early - mid writtenMarch, right? by Ethan Crystal OLIVIA please I dontdon’t - steal this thanks A loud VOICE from outside the tent startles them, amplified by a police-sounding speaker, striking terror into everyone but AMANDA.
VOICE All right, party’s over. I’m gonna need you to come out slowly, put out whatever you’re smokin’, and I’m gonna take your names & bring you down to the station, and then you can go back to Red Foreman’s basement where you belong.
AMANDA Babe thats not funny. You’re already late.
VOICE I’ll give you the count of 3. 1, 2,
AMANDA (to OLIVIA & co) He always has to commit -
Whoosh! The Parachute opens, revealing a blinding light. RIAN, The motorcycle douchebag from AMANDA’s phone, enters.
The light comes down, and the screen FREEZES on RIAN’s douchey but very handsome face. For some reason, a bad-ass title card appears, and HEAVY ROCK music plays:
“Rian” “A New Character”
Anime/Action style split still screens of 2-4 at a time: - RIAN’s (very handsome) face - OLIVIA’s disgust/annoyance changing to awe - A still stock photo of a bicycle seat - An innocent (but not in this context) video of a woman riding a bicycle, zoomed in on the pelvis/seat
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- AMANDA, satisfied in knowing that OLIVIA now knows what shewritten meant by “bicycle by seat” Ethan Crystal END abruptly:
ALL please Ohdont god, stop, steal ugh that’s thisso bright, thanks why would you do that -
AMANDA Hey baby.
AMANDA and RIAN kiss.
RIAN Alright fuckers.
RIAN speaks into a police-grade amplifier that he has attached to his jacket (like a jackass).
RIAN Here’s the plan.
WOOSH! BLUR TRANSITION across town to “Signs and Awnings,” a locally renowned hipster DIY bar/venue. POV of RIAN enacting his plan to sneak AMANDA and her friends into the STONE show. OCEAN’S ELEVEN look to this sequence, and the same HEAVY ROCK music from RIAN’s entrance.
RIAN There are 4 entrances into the outdoor area – south, north, northeast, and the back way. I’ll go in the back way, get my VIP stamp, go to Northeast where you’ll be, pretend to recognize you, and I’ll flash the stamp to the guy like “ohhh yoo!! Hey bruh,” dap him up, “its cool they’re with me”-
back to
INT: THE PARACHUTE - DAY.
OLIVIA aside to AMANDA. RIAN continues in background, with the OCEAN’S ELEVEN MUSIC continuing softly.
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OLIVIA writtenWhats this. by What isEthan he saying. Crystal
AMANDA We’re sneaking into the Stone show. At please Signsdont and Awnings. steal this thanks
OLIVIA What?
AMANDA I told you at the apartment.
jump back to
INT: OLIVIA’s APARTMENT - DAY
OLIVIA in the kitchen grinding weed, packing ADAM’s piece. AMANDA yells to her from the couch holding her empty mug.
AMANDA -and we make fun of these middle aged women for posting these memes without even taking a SECOND to think about what it’s like to be forced to endure weeks and months of aggressive propaganda paid for by the hollywood corporate elite selling loudmouthed yellow crack to their kids and the moms are the fuckin fallout like what else are you supposed to do?
AMANDA holds up her phone, showing a picture of a very cute, yellow, one-eyed animated character from a blockbuster film.
AMANDA (cont’d) What would you do if you had to listen to this all day every day? I would kill myself-
back to
INT: THE PARACHUTE - DAY
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A pause. written AMANDAby Ethan Crystal Shit I didn’t tell you.
OLIVIA please Whodont is Stone? steal this thanks
Everything stops, everyone looks at her. TRAP MUSIC builds up to drop. RIAN takes off his sunglasses.
RIAN Stone has been described by some as the first postmodern rapper. His work - music, image, all encompassing - stands on a perfect tightrope between irony and sincerity, good and bad, poignant and pointless, real and fake, mediocre and brilliant. But what no one can deny, is -
A police siren sounds right outside.
RIAN Oh shit.
INT. ADAM’s ROOM - DAY
ADAM Rehearses a voice message. He has a speaker playing their ROCK SONG (“I’m Gonna Break These Chains”) softly in the background.
ADAM Hey! Olivia. Hi. Not trying to bug ya all the time, but I got these tickets, a ticket, to this show. It’s a rap show, it’s Stone, he’s like, underground but also everybody knows who - you probably - anyways I heard you were coming so if you haven’t bought one yet we could split the cost of the other ticket I’ll buy the ticket. I’ll buy the ticket. I’ll buy the ticket, I’ll buy the ticket,
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ADAM deletes the message, restarts the song on the speaker, and writtenstarts over. by Ethan Crystal ADAM (cont’d) I will buy the ticket, Why would I make please herdont pay for thesteal ticket? Ithis will purchase thanks the ticket. Hey! Olivia. Hi. Not trying to bug ya all the time -
INT: THE PARACHUTE - DAY
They are burying ADAM’s piece in the ground, in a shallow hole.
AMANDA Okay. Make it not obvious.
FEMALE STONER Yeah put some grass over it.
OLIVIA I can’t believe this.
POLICE OFFICER (similarly amplified) Look, I just need you to leave.
RIAN I got this. (out, through his amplifier) Officer I ensure we will be with you momentarily, we are simply handling a few business matters at this time.
POLICE OFFICER Where did you get an amplifier?
RIAN Okay. What we’re gonna do, is we’re gonna check to see if we have any left on us. If not, we’re GOOD.
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They all check themselves. RIAN checks in his BACKPACK. written MALEby STONER Ethan Crystal You know I think we actually smoked the last of it. please dont OLIVIA steal this thanks Okay. Good. Thank god. I honestly shouldn’t be here, I’m up for this teaching job that’s really important to me -
RIAN (casual) Ohhhh shit.
RIAN is holding a drug cartel size brick of coke. There are two more in his backpack.
[act break would go here]
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INT: STONE’s Trailer - DAY FADEwritten UP from an open bylaptop Ethannext to a large Crystal amount of weed, pills, and liquor. From a youtube tab open, a very popular NERDY WHITE RAP MUSIC CRITIC waxes poetic about STONE’s pleaselatest release: dont steal this thanks CRITIC Stone has been described by some as the first postmodern rapper. His work - music, image, all encompassing - stands on a perfect tightrope between irony and sincerity, good and bad, poignant and pointless, real and fake, mediocre and brilliant. But what no one can deny, is that it’s interesting. In his debut album in 2019...
FANTANO fades into the background. STONE’s rap entourage sits in his very nice trailer.
ENTOURAGE #1 He’s bringing it later tonight. Like during the show.
ENTOURAGE #2 Why does it need to be then? Why can’t it be earlier?
ENTOURAGE #1 I don’t know, but its a lot. Like a whole backpack.
STONE Question.
They turn towards STONE, who just entered the room. A grand entrance. He’s wearing a shiny silk thing.
STONE Why drugs? Why must we alter our perception of reality to enjoy God’s gift? Why, when we get one chance, ONE chance, to see this beautiful Earth, do we choose to blind ourselves at every opportunity?
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ENTOURAGE #2 writtenWhat are youby holding? Ethan Crystal STONE is holding half a xanax bar. please dont STONE steal this thanks This is a xanax and it does not count, it was given to me by a doctor.
ENTOURAGE #1 I’m not a doctor.
ENTOURAGE #2 You don’t believe in God.
STONE Yes I do.
ENTOURAGE #2 No you don’t. You think people made God.
STONE Doesn’t make him not real.
ENTOURAGE #1 It makes him an elected official!
STONE (pouring a drink) God is absolutely an elected official and we elected him when we realized there is no human being that knows what the fuck it is to be human.
ENTOURAGE #3 (entering) Does Rick actually think you don’t know what “forthcoming” means?
ENTOURAGE #1 Yea like how do you not know thats a ASAP Ferg tweet from 2015?
ENTOURAGE #2 Cuz he’s two steps ahead! Rick ain’t on our level.
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ENTOURAGE #3 writtenKnowing twitter by likeEthan the bible isCrystal not the same as being on “another level”. If anything it’s a debilitating please addiction.dont steal this thanks ENTOURAGE #2 Oh that reminds me! I checked the mail and your Master’s degree in Maturity came yesterday -
STONE SHUT UP.
(beat)
STONE (pointedly) Damn.
STONE takes his Xanax and chases it with his drink.
ENTOURAGE #1 Hey man you’re not supposed to -
RICK (from outside) Stone!
RICK opens the door and steps into the trailer. The camera shifts to STONE, who is sitting alone. His ENTOURAGE has disappeared; he’s been alone the whole time.
STONE Yeah?
RICK We’re officially sold out.
STONE (unenthused) Cool.
RICK exits. STONE sits, relishing a rare moment alone.
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INT:written THE PARACHUTE - byDAY Ethan Crystal Chaos. The BACKPACK is open, a real POLICE OFFICER is outside, and the Mexican cartel size bricks of coke are pleaseexposed. A fast-paceddont scene.steal this thanks RIAN (holding a brick) Okay you guys can we please just be cool about this -
AMANDA Baby what are you doing???
OLIVIA Oh my god. Oh my god.
AMANDA Baby you have to fix this!
RIAN Okay. Okay.
Outside the PARACHUTE, The POLICE OFFICER rolls his eyes.
POLICE OFFICER I’ll give you a count of three to open the tarp. One,
back inside the PARACHUTE
RIAN Was that one or two.
AMANDA It was one!
RIAN Okay, harsh.
MALE STONER If we take off our shirts, it’ll be harder for him to grab us when we run away.
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FEMALE STONER writtenI am not takingby offEthan my shirt. Crystal MALE STONER Do you want to go to prison? please dont POLICE steal this thanks Two,
RIAN Can we bury it?
OLIVIA No. No we can’t.
RIAN Okay, listen -
OLIVIA (a little high) No you listen to me, bicycle man. Here is what we do. You put..that..in your backpack, and you zip the backpack, and he will ask us to leave, and we will leave. He just wants us to leave.
MALE STONER (taking off his shirt) I think we should run for it.
OLIVIA NO! I am NOT running from the cops.
RIAN We gotta run for it.
AMANDA Yeah he’s about to say three.
OLIVIA (with skill and grace) NO!! Just because someone says “three” doesn’t mean we lose our minds. We are adults, we are not hurting anybody, we are not robbing anybody, we are just sitting here minding our business, in a park, and he wants us to move. He doesn’t want to kill us, he doesn’t
1. backpack 8/5/20 !39
OLIVIA (cont’d) want to throw us in jail, and we are in writtenPortland, Oregonby inEthan the year 2020, Crystal so he probably doesn’t care if it smells like weed as long as we don’t have a large amount. So, when he says three, please wedont have our shitsteal zipped up,this and wethanks open the tarp, slowly, and we do what he says. Okay?
INT: ADAM and SEAN’s APARTMENT - DAY
SEAN is scrolling in the living room, eating colorful cereal in the middle of the day, drinking another cocktail, wearing a Zara version of the silky thing STONE was wearing.
He’s watching a live video entitled “STONERS BUSTED BY COP” (with 2k viewers) shot from a dorm window overlooking the park. Parachute flying, smoke everywhere,
A comment on the live feed reads:
“wasnt there a viral vid just like this like 10 years ago??? lmao real fucking original [rolling eyes emoji]x3”
The MALE STONER falls over while trying to take off his shirt, and is apprehended by the policeman.
His phone rings, interrupting the stream. The contact name is “loving father of 2 children [kissy face emoji][purple devil emoji]”. SEAN sighs and answers.
SEAN It’s an ASAP Ferg tweet from 2015.
EXT: DOWNTOWN PORTLAND DOUGHNUT LINE - DAY
RICK I KNEW it!!!
RICK is standing near the front of a long line (very whitely in his suit) to a colorful tourist trap doughnut shop in an otherwise shady part of town. A HENTAI THEATRE
1. backpack 8/5/20 !40
MARQUIS looms behind. He speaks enthusiastically, too loud for writtena crowded space, bywith dadEthan energy and aCrystal love of life. RICK I knew it, he’s always two steps ahead. Ugh, it was right on the tip of my please tongue.dont steal this thanks
SEAN (sexy) Can I be on the tip of your t-
RICK Did you get the tickets?
SEAN Yea.
RICK Good, good good good. Oh I can’t wait for you to see him. He’s really something else.
SEAN What’s he like?
RICK His aura is just, it’s like his life and his creative output have become this one simultaneous thing, he’s just constantly thinking and imagining and reinventing and oh, sorry -
RICK gets to the front of the doughnut line and speaks with a DISGRUNTLED HIPSTER CASHIER.
RICK (cont’d) - Can I get a dozen, and two coffees, and oh, what’s your favorite?
CASHIER They’re all amazing.
RICK I love it. Two crack pipes, please.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !41
The CASHIER prepares the order, starting with two doughnuts shapedwritten like massive litby crack Ethan pipes. Crystal RICK Anyways he’s doin’ his thing he’s tearin’ it up and I’m the gentle little please guide,dont giving steal a little nudgethis here, thanks a little nudge there & lettin’ him do his thing. How’s the musical?
SEAN It’s good. Um. Wrote a song today.
RICK Thats good! Whole song in one day, wow. I might sign ya!
SEAN Okay! Yea. That would, that would be, so, I’ll see you tonight?
RICK Oh yeah. Get ready, tiger.
SEAN involuntarily gasps out a tight little moan.
RICK By the way you don’t happen to have a blank part of your wall thats well lit do ya?
SEAN looks around the fairly well decorated apartment and figures out what he could take down.
SEAN Oh! Yeah, uh, yeah. Heh.
RICK Yeah yeah. They just can’t get enough of that frickin caterpillar.
SEAN You’re...unbelievable.
RICK Nothing’s unbelievable.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !42
RICK hangs up the phone and walks away with his pink box of doughnuts,written mouthing “nothing’sby Ethan unbelievable” Crystal and laughing at himself. pleaseSEAN swoons donta moment, baskingsteal in a thisschoolgirl thanks crush. ADAM (O.S. from his bedroom) Fuck! They’re sold out!
SEAN Shh.
INT: STONE’S TRAILER - DAY
STONE is standing in the main room. RIAN is sitting. In the foreground sits AMANDA’s backpack, opened, with its contents strewn about.
A very long and tense beat. STONE gestures towards the backpack in various ways, expressing many things but centrally, his awe of RIAN’s sheer incompetence. He almost gets RIAN to smile at one point.
STONE finally figures out a way for nobody to die.
STONE Ok. You,
STONE points to the ground.
RIAN I stay here?
STONE Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes.
beat.
STONE What’s the girl’s name.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !43
RIAN writtenUh. by Ethan Crystal STONE flashes a sharp and terrifying glance. please dont RIAN steal this thanks Olivia.
STONE nods. He rips a piece of paper out of a notebook and gives it to RIAN.
STONE Write down her number.
RIAN starts writing.
STONE They call. She picks up. She has to pick up!
RIAN stops writing and locks eyes with STONE.
STONE She has to pick up.
RIAN keeps writing.
STONE She picks up. They give the location. She brings it there, Beat.
RIAN That’s it?
STONE nods.
RIAN Great! Soo we solved it!
STONE nods.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !44
RIAN That’s, that seems amazingly simple and writtendoable. Oh bymy god EthanI was like really Crystal nervous, that like, I don’t know, oh my God, I feel amazing its like a weight lifted off my shoulders, like a heavy please saggingdont weight steal - this thanks
STONE Like a backpack?
RIAN Ahahhaahaa!! Yeah hahaha like a backpack. Hahaha. Man, man. Yknow to be honest I just got into this running thing to make ends meet for my daughter, you know, and I just, I really didn’t mean to fuck it up so bad. Like I’ve just fallen into a bunch of bad shit in my life, and I think the reason is I just get in my head and lock up and don’t know how to express myself, but I feel like underneath, I’m actually a really nice and sensitive guy, and all I ever wanted is for someone to give me a chance -
BLAM! STONE shoots RIAN in the face.
A pause, lingering on STONE holding the gun. STONE turns to his left.
STONE What the FUCK man?!
ENTOURAGE #2 appears, now holding the gun STONE was holding.
ENTOURAGE #2 C’mon man he was pissin me off.
STONE He had a daughter!
ENTOURAGE #3 and #1 appear, zipping RIAN’s body into a bag.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !45
ENTOURAGE #1 I think it’s for the best if we don’t writteneven go down by that Ethanroad. Crystal ENTOURAGE #3 Yea keeping him alive would just be please delayingdont the stealinevitable. this thanks
STONE God damn. Gimme that shit.
ENTOURAGE #2 points the gun at STONE, seemingly against his will. A reflection in the mirror shows STONE pressing the barrel underneath his jaw.
ENTOURAGE #2 Yo cool it!
STONE I don’t want this shit! I don’t wanna know everything anymore, I don’t wanna just do whatever the fuck I want all the time and have people suck my dick and project their own meaning onto it without knowing what the FUCK the meaning is I want to be real. I want to feel for that man’s daughter I don’t want to throw him away and treat his life like it’s a fucking joke LIFE IS NOT A JOKE. Who’s gonna feed his daughter? Who’s gonna put food in her mouth? I want to be CONNECTED to OTHER PEOPLE. I DON’T WANT THIS SHIT
ENTOURAGE #1 unloads the gun, now in his hand. He gets close to STONE. A supernatural aura.
ENTOURAGE #1 What you don’t want, is to miss your payment. Cuz if the payment doesn’t get made, the terms of the deal, are null and void. And that’s not good for anybody. So if you wanna connect with somebody, it better be that girl, and she better pick up that phone.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !46
STONE, a prisoner of his mind and the contract he signed, nods.written by Ethan Crystal ENTOURAGE #1 What’s the number? pleaseRIAN appears, dont standing stealnext to his thiszipped upthanks body bag, casually reading the number he wrote from the paper.
RIAN 8-3-0, 4-7-6, 5-6-6-4.
STONE puts his head in his hands, succumbing to the entry of another ENTOURAGE into his life.
RIAN What? What’s in the bag?
Blackout.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT: ADAM and SEAN’s Apartment. January.
ADAM and OLIVIA stumble through the door in an embrace, stinking from Band Night at Boiler Room. OLIVIA laughs & sings with him & dances playful & drunk.
ADAM (singing) I’M GONNA BREAK THESE CHAINS TONIGHT I’M NEVER GONNA SEE THE LIGHT I’M GONNA FIGHT UNTIL IT’S MINE you want a water
OLIVIA Yes please.
She goes into the tiny bathroom to change in the mirror. She closes the door, and ADAM’s singing becomes muffled. She releases a tension in her eyes we hadn’t noticed before, and looks, for a moment, content.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !47
ADAM (singing) ...NO MATTER HOW IT COMES OUT IN THE writtenEEEEENND by Ethan Crystal OLIVIA finishes changing and opens the door to the living pleaseroom to find dont ADAM completely steal naked, this holding thankstwo waters. ADAM (singing) I MADE A FRIEND!
OLIVIA Oh my GOD!
ADAM spills some water, picks up his jeans and covers himself.
ADAM I’m sorry! I’m sorry -
OLIVIA NOT with the song! WHY with the song. I like that song and now, that, is forever with the SONG
ADAM I’m sorry I ruined it I ruined everything I’m an idiot I’ll go home here’s your water it was nice to see you have a lovely evening and I will text you when i get -
OLIVIA This is your apartment.
ADAM Then I will stay.
A moment. ADAM naked covering himself with jeans, and OLIVIA in pajamas in the dim dreary late hours college eve. They are close to each other.
ADAM You know what.
OLIVIA What.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !48
written by Ethan Crystal ADAM I cannot believe. That I have not please fuckeddont this upsteal yet. this thanks OLIVIA smiles, and gives him a tiny kiss.
OLIVIA There’s still time.
ADAM smiles.
ADAM, grinning, raises his loose limbed arm, and slaps the wall with an open hand. OLIVIA is puzzled.
ADAM slaps the wall again. OLIVIA is more puzzled.
ADAM rhythmically & puzzlingly slaps the wall, until a
FLASH FORWARD TO:
INT: BARELY COPYRIGHT EXEMPT FACSIMILE OF TACO BELL - DAY
SLAP! AMANDA has been slapping the table next to OLIVIA, who zoned out. They look worn out, and have mud on their clothes & hair from running from the cops.
OLIVIA snaps out of it and looks at AMANDA.
OLIVIA What?
AMANDA silently shushes OLIVIA, removes her hand from her drink and lowers it, slowly. OLIVIA watches, perplexed, and takes a bite of her half eaten copyright exempt Crunchwrap Supreme facsimile.
AMANDA lifts into frame, RIAN’s backpack. The coke backpack, that she took by mistake.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !49
OLIVIA (mouth full) writtenMmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmm! by Ethan Mmmmmm! Crystal AMANDA attempts to shush her in vain. OLIVIA chokes a bit on her food. pleaseOLIVIA’s phone dont rings onsteal the table: this“mmmm. mmmm.thanks mmmm.” It’s an unknown number.
THEY look at the phone, and each other. OLIVIA reaches for the phone, but AMANDA holds her hand back. They sense the potential danger of this call, and the weight of this decision.
OLIVIA hesitates for a moment, then decides to not listen to the person who just ruined her life.
OLIVIA picks up, very late in the ring.
OLIVIA Hello?
(silence)
OLIVIA Hello?
(silence. OLIVIA looks at AMANDA)
PHONE VOICE (cheery) Hey! Oh, hey, uh,
INT: ADAM’S ROOM, DAY
ADAM (over the phone) wow I was actually expecting to leave a voicemail. Wow. Sorry that’s dumb I just, uh, okay so there’s this concert-
CREDITS ROLL
Music: “I’M GONNA BREAK THESE CHAINS”
1. backpack 8/5/20 !50
POSTwritten CREDITS: by Ethan Crystal The NERDY WHITE RAP MUSIC CRITIC plays from a laptop screen: please dont CRITIC steal this thanks ...Stone has put himself in a position here where he can seemingly do no wrong. He does anything he wants, however he wants, whenever he wants... but do we like it because he does it, or does he do it because we like it? It’s not clear. But it’s also a little heady sometimes, with some metacommentary that’s kindof on the nose especially near the end so I’m gonna say a solid to light 7. Thanks for watching...
INT: STONE’s Trailer - DAY
The ENTOURAGE sits in the trailer watching the video, with RIAN sitting next to a weary STONE in the background.
ENTOURAGE #3 SEVEN? What the fuck?!!
ENTOURAGE #2 That’s his thing, he sucks your dick for 30 minutes and gives you a fuckin seven.
“RIAN” speaks to STONE, awestruck, moving his hands & arms.
RIAN So...when I do this, are you doing this in real life? Or is it never, or is there like a pecking order, or is it sometimes?
ENTOURAGE #1 Yo, call the girl.
RIAN Oh, yea, sure.
1. backpack 8/5/20 !51
RIAN dials the number. Softly in the background THE CRITIC listswritten his favorite tracks.by Ethan Crystal CRITIC ...some tracks that absolutely bang in please thedont whip, my stealfavorite being this “Ima Fuckthanks Your Girl, Ima Suck Your Dick Until You Cum, And Then Ima Kill You.”
END
1. backpack 8/5/20 !52
written byAuthor’s Ethan note: Crystal - “1. backpack” is the name of this episode, not the series. The series is intentionally untitled. Following installments will be named “2. lorem”, “3. ipsum”, etc. The pleaseseries follows dont these peoplesteal for 5-8 this episodes. thanks
1. backpack
Recurring Characters:
-Adam (loser) -Sean (his cooler roommate)
-Olivia (only smart person in the entire world) -Amanda (her cooler friend)
-Rian (bicycle seat, dead)
-Stone (schizophrenic all-seeing all-knowing rapper) -Rick (Stone’s manager, loving father of two children)
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