Interviews with David Cross & Norm Macdonald!
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Playtime with the voices in your head! How to give your pesky siblings up for adoption! Games to play with Daddy ‘til he finds another job! Interviews with David Cross & Norm MacDonald! THE KIDS CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT ISSUE !"#$% !&$'"%!( EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Matt Ingebretson RRobob MMcElroycElroy Rogue Pedicab Driver MANAGING Michael Prohaska !+,-')!#-.+'/0((!"#$$$%"&&'$$$ =91&$3*(/"1(,$(.'+1,(',:)(+1&9C(K.+( EDITOR DESIGN DIRECTOR Alyssa Peters !())*+,+-.'/&0-#'/-123"-4"-1'-5"0- &/(8".F1)(1&!&$3(#&+%(L2".3%(,$!( !"#$%&$'()!"#$%&''(!)*+&$,+&"$*-(".+("/(+"#$0 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF David Strauss 567"8-290-:1%;-<&"2="+ 2"#!8M(2"<(56H'1"8-(+%)$();9)6+( )1*-(2,3)(43,&$*+(+%)(5,6%&$)-(#%&*7)8-(8)''"#( PUBLICITY Zak Kinnaird DIRECTOR 1&2)3456#&0()A"#(,<".+(8".( ,(/,&1(,:".$+("/(,6+&"$-(,!>)$+.1)-( '&3%+*-(*+"3&)*-(*%"1+6.+*(+%1".3%(+%)(9,17-('""*)( FEATURES EDITOR Bradley Jackson PHOTO EDITOR Matty Greene ')+(:)(!($&*%(:8(#%&*7)8(*".1(,$!( ,$!(,('&++')(<&+("/(<'""!C #":)$-();,6+(6%,$3)-(+%)(*:)''("/(<.1$+(1.<<)1-( NEWS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards *+"3&)B(?".(9)!)*+1&,$*(+%&$7(8".( !!()@261;-28"-#'/-8"2&&#-2-<"06A2B- '&3%+#)&3%+(6.*+":)1*-(+%)("9)$(1",! WEBMASTER Gatlin Johnson DESIGN EDITOR Matt Hutcheson 6,$(<"**(,''("/(+%)(9)!&6,<(!1&>)1*( 0867"8+ WRITING STAFF Dan Treadway ,1".$!C(D)''-(')+(:)(+)''(8".(*":)0 13()N)6%$&6,''8-($"C(I('"*+(:8( !"#$%&**'()=$,7)*-(,6+.,'(*$,7)*-(9,1+&)*("/( PHOTO EDITOR VeronicaMatt HansenLester +%&$3C(E"<"!8(6,$(+)''(:)(#%,+(+"( 6)1+&!(6,+&"$(',*+(8),1(#%)$(I(+""7( !(>)-(*+&$38(9)!)*+1&,$*-(+%,+(!&1+8(?)''"#(@,<( Jon Neal ART EDITOR MeganChris Jackson Friend !"C(58(/,+%)1(6".'!$F+(!"(&+-(:8(9,0 ,(%&''(+""(/,*+(,$!(%&+("$)("1(:"1)( 3.8(#%"( 6.+*(8".("//-(6%&'!1)$-(*'"#( Andrea Grimes 1"')("/!(6)1(6".'!$F+(!"(&+-(,$!(8".( K"8(=6".+*C(I(%,>)$F+( %,!( !1&>)1*-(9)"9')(#%"(#,$+( ASSOCIATE Sara Kanewske +"(*))(+%)(!,:$(<,+*-( EDITORSDESIGN STAFF JessicaStephen Grantham Short 6)1+,&$'8(6,$$"+(!"(&+()&+%)1C(E"#( )$".3%(<.*&$)**( Annie Samuelson *:,''(+,'7-("+%)1(9)"9')("$( #%)1)(+%)(/.67(,1)(#)(3"&$3B ',+)'8(+"(!(;(:8( PUBLICITY SabrinaSuzanne Abdulla Lewis <&7)* !!()>'/-=16&&-%27"9?1-"7"9-!-96=%"0- <1,7)*-(*"(8".F1)( EricaJosue Grundish Ramirez #'/8-08693$ 3"&$3(+"(%,>)(+"( PUBLICITY SaraSam Nienkerk Baskin 13()G)18("<*)1>,$+-(H&$*+)&$C(I(#,*( !1,3(8".1(*%")*( CONTRIBUTING WRITING STAFF MalcolmMike Wardlaw Faerber :)1)'8()*+,<'&*%&$3(:8(!":&$,$6)( "$(+%)(9,>):)$+( WRITERS Kelsey Lamb &$(+%&*(1)',+&"$*%&9C(I/(8".(#,$+(,( *"(#)(6,$(6":)(+"( ADMINISTRATIVE Kyle Killough 9)!&6,<(!1&>)1(#%"F*(3"&$3(+"(#&9)( ,(6":9')+)(*+"9C( ASSISTANTS RossLara Luippold Grant 8".1(:".+%(,$!(3&>)(8".(7&**)*-( 4'*"-(IF:(:&**&$3( C.J.Austin Cervantes Presley +%)$(3"(*))(J".3(!"#$("$(K,1+"$( ,(#%))'C KateLaura Ergenbright Schulman Hannah Oley DESIGN STAFF Mark Estrada frustration” at your Halloween shindig. check the deadbolt and reload their shotgun. Sarah Greene Aaron Walther ADMINISTRATIVE Henry Baker • Linguistics professors still can’t contain •1/100,000th of your tuition was just spent Jermaine Affonso ASSISTANTS their amusement over the word ‘diphthong’. buying President Powers a pack of Skittles. RohanKathryn Paranjpe Beasley around • Everybody will agree that they prefer corn on • Students well versed in the word “fail” and JacquelineMarshall Fitzgerald Dungan the cob, creamed corn, and KoЯn to candy its best placement in conversations still don’t CONRIBUTING Thejaswi MaruvadaJon Neal EDITOR corn. comprehend the penis and its best placement Michael Prohaska campus • Stoner Jews sabotaged the holy Sukkot holi- into the vagina. !"#$%!$ David Schwartz day by hotboxing the tent in the West Mall. • Stadium event staff will be shocked when PHONE 512-471-7898 Greg Smith • I shall choose trick! En garde, you candy • If you got excited to finally own all three they find Bevo pounding the Chick-fil-A EMAIL [email protected] CARTOONIST Lesley Dixon hoarding fiend! cows: pink cow, brown cow, and original cow in the bathroom during halftime. WEB www.texastravesty.com cow, then you’re probably a horrible, horrible • I guess Mr. Weather saw you in your wool MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin • I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory pain human being. cap and sweater and decided to send a cold !"#$%!$ reliever. • Batman has been spotted on campus. Austin front. PHONE&'($")*+&,&)($-* 512-471-7898 has a very high Batman population. If you a see • Merely saying “OU sucks” fails to acknowl- • Congratulations, Parkour. You’ve given KevinEMAIL [email protected] Hillery Austin dudes yet another reason to take their a Batman on campus, do not touch him, and im- edge that they also blow, blunder, and, on WEB1997 www.texastravesty.com2005-2006 shirts off. mediately contact University Health Services. occasion, dabble in the fine arts. MAILBrad ButlerTexas TravestyDavid • UT Strauss Austin • Being a C-League volleyball intramural • Mark your calendar; online registration for 1997-2000P.O. Box D • Austin, TX2006-2007 78713 • In this economy, simpler costumes save Ben Stroud Veronica Hansen money, so expect to see a lot of “stressed-out champ won’t win her heart, bro. next semester starts once all the classes you &'($")*+&,&)($-*2000-2001 2007-2008 twentysomethings struggling with sexual • Riverside residents have a great sense of humor want are full. KevinTrevor Butler Rosen RossTrevor Luippold Rosen about local crime, but only a" er they triple- 19972001-2003 2001-20032008-2009 BradTodd ButlerRoss NienkerkTodd Nienkerk 1997-20002003-2005 2003-2005 In This Issue... Ben Stroud Kristin Hillery 2000-20011&2%1&*& 2005-2006 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 1&2%1&*&lication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributingThe Texas Travesty staff. Theis the Travesty student is humora work pub- of (hopefully)lication at thehumorous University fiction. of Texas Except at Austin,where publicpublished figures monthly are involved, by the characters permanent are andnot basedcontributing on any staff.real person.The Travesty Any resemblence is a work toof any(hopefully) persons humorousliving or dead fiction. is coincidental. Except where The viewspublic expressedfigures are in involved, the Travesty characters do not are reflect not thebased views on any of realTexas person. Student Any Publications, resemblence the to 71**##,)810(.)+1"',3) Universityany persons of living Texas or at dead Austin is coincidental.or pretty much The !"#$%&#'%()%&'*+"(,-.)/##0) ;*<2)9*1,,',3)2#)+"(..) anyone.views expressed All material in theprinted Travesty is property do not reflectof the (.%19():"#8)+("1,3(+) Travestythe views. The of Texas Texas Travesty Student is notPublications, intended thefor %&1"1%2(").&##2',3)+#4,) <9)*'0()2#21*)3'"*)2&'.) readersUniversity under of Texas 18 years at Austin of age, or regardlesspretty much of theanyone. pretty All pictures.material printed is property of the (5("6).2#"0)',).'3&2 :18'*6 =1**#4((, Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of the*."-$+"-$/+$"000 pretty pictures. *."-$+"-$/+$"000Andrea yelling HEY!, Rec, where zombies don’t wear pants, Mike took the time to tweet, all the writers who went to the OU game, EER VE GO!!!; Mrs. Johnson’s bakery where they awkwardly give you a free donut, Alyssa can’t suspend her disbelief, but can score 98 in Gov; Jessica’s Pecan Pie; Matt walking out on the OU game like a pussy; Nintendo at Marshall’s house; Big Vodka Daddy Kyle—don’t the cookies look good?; >#*+).9(%<*12#")9<2.)+#4,) 7'3:##2)%'2(+ !#4(")41*0(")0'%0.)'2)',2#) Fucking Zak, who ! nished all the cookies within ten minutes; Suzanne needs a car; Bill Cosby, you got a lotta >#*+(,)?(2"'(5("):#"):1'*',3) *#4)3(1" nerve; Broken Lizard knows Thej; Free Texadelphia not worth it; Evan Pearson; Good ol’ Fritz; The House of 2#)"(2"'(5()3#*+ Torment was more literal than expected; Chris Phelps; choking on deez nuts; Roland Alonzo is almost too cool; Cover Halloween Marshall Dungan Suzanne Lewis Central Market Chili < Wendy’s Chili; A-Ha’s “Take on "!$"3&) Alyssa Peters Dan Treadway Staff Me”; Dan’s Blood Runnings; Aaron’s Iron Lung; Annie’s a Staff Centerspread cheating lactose intolerant 4556Google Wave Jessica Grantham Annie Samuelson Sports Wizard Alyssa Peters Andrea Grimes Alyssa Peters Josue Ramirez !)&'($* Jessica Grantham Michael Prohaska Aniie Samuelson © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 © 2009 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 $%$$1&$%1(#2+!"#$%&'(() #&7*+8+9 @#4,.'A',3)%#891,6)',2"#+<%(.)B7"',3)C#<")D'+)1,+) E10()F&(8)G#"0H)+16 Jon Neal Parents participating in the program be' er than hiring your own kids,” ex- STAFF WRITER are eager for the opportunity to intro- plained sales manager Tom Davis as he duce their li' le workers to the tire in- showed his son how to re" ll the water AKRON!Local tire manufacturer dustry, combining both hands-on job cooler. “Having a 6-year-old who just Treadwell Wheels observed what experience and quality family time. wet his pants as your coworker is much company President Alan Gainesboro is “Junior " nally gets to see how Daddy be' er than having to deal with those calling its " rst o# cial “Bring Your Kid pays for the colorful breakfast cereal he know-it-all college interns,” added Da- and Make $ em Work” day last week enjoys so much, and since he is already vis. in order to ful" ll labor needs a% er a on the health insurance plan, it really string of layo& s within the company. helps the company’s bo' om line,” said $ e event is an adaptation of the tra- Jordan Bishop from Marketing as he “Mommy says that ditional “Take Your Daughter to Work” showed his son Brian, 8, how to visu- day, which was originally observed by ally inspect for splicing imperfections my li! le hands are the company on the third Wednesday and why he should not put screwdriv- of April. However, the company’s re- perfect for machine ers in his mouth. cent labor issues have forced the chil- “Mommy says that my li' le hands dren of employees to stamp time-cards calibration.” are perfect for machine calibration,” and work up to twelve hours at the of- reported new child employee Patricia " ce.