Revolutionary War, and Maybe More Importantly, the Events That Led up to the Revolutionary War
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Cold Open: In the late 18th century, a relatively small group of rag-tag American colonists would defeat the military of the most powerful empire in the world - the British Empire - and they gave birth to a nation that would itself soon become the most powerful nation in the world, the United States of America. A nation that ironically would save Britain and the rest of Europe from almost certain defeat at the hands of the Nazis just over a century- and-a-half later. Today, just days after the 4th of July, America’s Independence Day commemorating the Declaration of Independence of the United States signed on July 4, 1776, we’re breaking down the events of the Revolutionary War, and maybe more importantly, the events that led up TO the Revolutionary War. Following the end of the French and Indian War in 1763 that kept France from kicking early American colonizers out of the Ohio River valley and perhaps off of the continent itself, Britain was deeply in debt and decided to tax the American colonies to help repay that debt. And the colonists, well… they didn’t care for that decision. They didn’t like taxes. And they really didn’t like how they had no say when it came to being taxed They were irritated by that whole “taxation without representation” situation. And the harder Britain tried to collect money for a war that did in fact protect and save its early American colonists, the more those colonists grew weary of being governed by a nation that they felt less and less like a part of, a nation that felt more and more like a foreign ruler. And eventually, barely a decade removed from a war where Britain had fought on behalf of American colonists to protect them from the French, the Americans now fought against the British, and were eventually aided by the French. Funny how your greatest enemy can become your strongest ally. How exactly did this war begin? And why was it really fought? How much do you know about the most important war in American history? Find out all of this and more, and hopefully have some laughs along the way in this patriotic YIP, YIP, YAW! edition of Timesuck! PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I.Welcome! A.Happy Monday: Welcome back to the Cult of the Curious, meatsacks. And a belated Happy 4th of July to all the American meat sacks. Recording this Suck in advance of the 4th and hoping I had a great time at the big 4th of July BBQ my wife Lynze aka Queen of the Suck puts together every year. Hoping I still have all my fingers as you hear this. I’m Dan Cummins, the Master Sucker, Uncle Sam’s Foot Stool, Sultan of the Suck-Summer, Danquita the Nana SexFruit Sucker, and you are listening to Timesuck. Recording today in the Suck Dungeon here in Couer d’Alene, Idaho. Reverend Doctor Joe Motherfuckin’ Paisley, Zaq Script Keeper Flannary, and Queen of the Suck Lynze all around pushing buttons and doing Suck related things. Hail Nimrod! Hail Lucifina! Praise Bojangles and Triple M. Feeling Triple M today. Soon, you will be too. B.Charity: TBD C.Pre-Roll: E Toro Ad?? D.Thank You For Reviews: Thanks for all the recent podcast ratings and reviews on places like iTunes. They for sure help us find new listeners and we appreciate that greatly. So many new listeners lately. It’s an exciting summer here in the Suck Dungeon. E.Feel the Heat: My new Feel the Heat vinyl album is gonna be out soon! The Fuck Chuck story, the burning my ween on a heater story, my insane look at the afterlife, and more - various limited pressings available for preorder right now. Lock it in and the album will ship out on July 15th. The link to buy this album is in today’s episode description. Just click that bad boy to go the Romanus Records Shopify store. https://romanusrecords.myshopify.com/pages/dan-cummins-feel-the- heat-space-lizard-early-access-pre-order F. Detroit Stand Up Special: Tickets are selling fast to the taping of my next stand up special in Detroit. PUMPED! Friday, October 18th, two show at the Crofoot Ballroom in Pontiac, Michigan. Cool indie rock venue. Gonna be a super fun night. Cameras. Lights. And I think some of the funniest stories and jokes I’ve ever told on stage. I’m really letting it rip on this one. Over an hour of standup and I think basically all of it is too fucked up to ever be safe enough for a late night TV stand up spot. Links to both the early and late show in the episode description. G.Tour Dates: Other upcoming tour dates include July 26-27 Cincinnati, OH West Liberty Funnybone August 1-3 Charlotte, NC, The Comedy Zone August 4 Richmond, VA, The Funny Bone August 9-10 Orlando, FL, The Improv And the next live Ant Hill Kids Cult Suck in Orlando on August 11th. H.Merch: Need copy from Kate!!! I.Segue to Topic: Alright, meat sacks. It’s Revolutionary War time. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE II.Intro/Establish Premiss: Today’s tale is more than a tale of a war, it’s the origin story for the United States. It all started with a field trip. While attending a science exhibit, a bookish, orphaned, lonely, and unpopular high school nerd from Queens named George Washington was bitten by a radioactive spider. He soon discovers he possesses new and strange powers. He now has the proportional strength and agility of an arachnid. But he’s sad - because one time in Gotham City after a movie his parents were shot and killed in front of him. So he changes his name to Benjamin Franklin and builds a laboratory inside a cave and he starts wearing a bat suit. Wait. That is the Spider Man’s origin story. Combined with Batman’s origin story. Combined with nonsense. Today is the USA’s origin story. As you might remember from episode 140, the King Arthur suck, we have already done the origin story on England. And while there are certainly less dragons and wizards in this tale, and that FOR SURE is a bummer - it’s still a super cool story. Preeminent American history expert, Pulitzer Prize winner, and Brown University history professor Gordon Wood summarizes the American Revolution like this… “The history of the American Revolution, like the history of the nation as a whole, ought NOT to be viewed as a story of right and wrong or good and evil from which moral lessons are to be drawn. No doubt the story of the Revolution is a dramatic one: Thirteen insignificant British colonies huddled along a narrow strip of the Atlantic coast three thousand miles from the centers of Western civilization becoming in fewer than three decades a huge, sprawling republic of nearly four million expansive-minded, evangelical, and money-hungry citizens is a spectacular tale, to say the least. But the Revolution, like the whole of American history, is not a simple morality play; it is a complicated and often ironic story that needs to be explained and understood, not celebrated or condemned.” I like that. I feel like so many stories I was taught as a kid were oversimplified to the point of no longer being accurate. Nuanced history dumbed down into black and white morality tales of preposterously good guys versus preposterously bad guys. That’s not how life works. Early Americans weren’t supremely virtuous, angelic visionaries. Mostly, they were people who just didn’t want to pay what they felt were an unfair amount of taxes. And they were people who didn’t like being told what to do - like don’t expand beyond the Appalachian mountains. I get it. I also don’t like paying certain taxes and I also don’t like being told what to do. The American Revolution was less about the whole all men are created equal rhetoric, and more about money. Did new political ideals and visions of a new type of freedom matter to early revolutionaries? Of course! I don’t mean to downplay that. But, as you’ll soon see, if the British would’ve just imposed less taxes on the colonies, and given them a little more freedom when it came to territorial expansion, and also included early Americans in the British Parliament, the colonies would’ve likely remained loyal to the British Empire for many, many years to come. We might still be British. Who knows. Money makes the world go round. Always has. Always will. Those who don’t have it want it. Those who have it, tend to want more of it. Doesn’t mean you can’t be moral and responsible with it, but, rare for a revolution to be fought on behalf of ideals that don’t at least include the promise of more money or more of what money buys. The have nots want to have more. Isn’t that the origin tale of almost every revolution? Before we jump into a timeline of the specific events that led up to the war and the events of the war itself, let’s go over a few contextual concepts. Like the European colonization of North America. A. The New World: The “new world” was introduced to European power players shortly after Columbus did NOT find a shorter trade route for Spain to India, China, the Spice Islands and more.