Features and : Past and Present

By Gayla Ohlhauser Aspenleiter Edited by Carolyn Schott

Prehistoric man simply seized his uncle requested and anticipated the arrival by force. of the older, beautiful daughter, but she But as civilization progressed, marriage already had a boyfriend so the father sent by force was exchanged for marriage by another daughter instead. The father purchase – a bride was sold to the highest probably felt that it would be her only bidder. chance to marry as she had become quite In our own German-Russian culture, scarred as a result of smallpox and was marriage for a price was sometimes blind in one eye. What a surprise this must practiced in South Russia in the 1800s in have been for the uncle meeting his new many of the villages. For example, in The bride for the first time. The uncle was 51 German Colonies in South Russia 1804 to years old and his new bride was just 22.” 1904, Volume II, Rev. Conrad Keller writes, customs probably varied some “If the bride is from another village or in detail in the different German colonies of community, the matter [marriage] becomes Russia, but the process of marriage was somewhat more complicated. The fiancé brought about by mutual consent of the then selects a spokesman to ask the bride parties, instigation of the parents, or the in marriage on his behalf, or, as it happens use of a matchmaker. A young man wishing in recent times, he engages a ‘broker’ who to marry had to get permission from his solicits the selected bride for a price.” family first, then permission from the Even today in America this custom still parents of the bride-to-be. According to exists, although a little differently. For Joseph S. Height in Paradise on the Steppe, example, on November 10, 2005, on a news “In the colonies the girls usually married report published by msnbc.com, a woman in when they were eighteen, the young men at Albuquerque decided to sell her 95-year-old the age of nineteen or twenty. A young home, fully furnished, with herself included. woman who was still single at twenty was She simply added herself to an eBay auction practically regarded as an old maid. The for her $600,000 home located in Denver. I young men of the village quite often guess that is one way to kill two birds with married their school-time sweethearts or one stone. one of the girls from the appropriate comradeship, of which there were three Marriage by Arrangement social classes, namely rich, middle class, Marriage by purchase was exchanged for and poor. to partners from other marriage by arrangement. In our own villages were likewise fairly common. German-Russian culture in the 1800s and Extremely rare were marriages to persons possibly 1900s, marriage was sometimes of another faith or to Russian nationals.” arranged by the parents of the bride and/or The article “How the Volga Germans groom or by the godparents. Elaine Becker Celebrated a Wedding” (Heritage Review Morrison, Boulder, Colorado, describes the September 1992, Vol. 22, No. 3), states, following in her article “Courtship Customs”: “When one attained the age of 25 and was “my husband’s great-uncle arranged for a still single, he was counted as being in the bride by writing to a family that he met on a ‘picked over’ group.” ship during their immigration to Saskatchewan eight years earlier. He sent money for train Marriage by Choice fare and asked for one of the daughters to Marriage by arrangement was replaced be his bride. The family recalled that the with marriage by choice. Dale Wahl, before

2 Heritage Review 38:4, 2008 Features Marriage and Weddings were buying something in the market place. his passing, sent me the following story There is no report as to how titled Choosing a Wife: Philipp reacted to Gottlieb’s choice, nor what transpired between then Most of us are aware of the and Gottlieb and Maggie’s marriage stories about how our ancestors’ about a year later. marriages were “arranged.” My own But that is the story as it has story of my German-Russian been passed down. grandparents does not tend to support such an arrangement! I Today, technology has made it easier to cannot speak of the validity of this find just the right partner. We now have story but perhaps you will find it cars, trains, airplanes, and, of course, the interesting and enjoyable. Internet to help us find just the right The time was about 1910. My partner. The modern version of the “broker” grandfather was apparently working or matchmaker can be found by subscribing as a hired man for Christian Essig, to websites such as Match.com and father of Walter Essig [who was the eHarmony.com or participating in reality TV husband of our own GRHS Alice programs such as “The Dating Game” or Essig]. “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” It appears that it was on a Internet websites and reality TV programs weekend and my grandfather can allegedly match individual backgrounds Gottlieb Wahl was over south of and traits so accurately that two people Mercer walking down the road when brought together for a date can be assured he was passing the house of Philipp of "common interests" at the very least. In Wall. (Wahl and Wall are two any event, these matchmakers can only different families at this point in arrange the dating, not marriage. time.) Matchmaking has not disappeared; it has Maggie Wall’s father, Philipp, was merely changed its appearance and up on the roof working on the sod emphasis. and the females of the household Marriage by choice has not been were out back working in the replaced, but now more emphasis is placed garden. There is nothing reported as on marriage based on love and mutual to where the other males of the respect. For example, in May of 1946, my household were. mother met my father and it was “love at Anyhow, they were exchanging a first sight.” My father was on leave from the little conversation when out of the Navy when they met and before his week- blue, Gottlieb announced to Philipp long leave ended, he and my mother were that he would like to marry one of married in Woonsocket, South Dakota by Philipp’s daughters. This was news the Justice of the Peace. Needless to say, to Philipp as he did not have a clue my grandparents on both sides were furious as to this young fellow knowing any and would not bless this mixed marriage. of his daughters! They told my parents that it would not last After being taken back by the because no one falls in love in seven days declaration from Gottlieb, Philipp and my mother was brought up by asked him which daughter he was Hutterite-Mennonite parents and my father talking about. by Lutheran parents. Gottlieb sized up the young My grandparents, however, were ladies he could see in the garden proven wrong. My parents were happily and pointing at Maggie married for 34 years with the marriage (Magdalena), he said “I think I will ending only at the death of my mother at take that one right there” as if he age 52.

Heritage Review 38:4, 2008 3 Features Marriage and Weddings were not exchanged, nor were wedding bands or rings common. I completely believe in “love at first Elaine Becker Morrison shared the sight” because two years ago at a GRHS following with me: convention I followed my parents’ example by also falling in love at first sight. Rich and “My father was the Baptist I were married August 16, 2008. Although minister in Herreid, South Dakota for our wedding didn’t follow most of the six years. Times then were rough - German-Russian marriage traditions, it was coming out of the Depression. People a somewhat traditional wedding for the 21st did not spend a lot of time or energy century. on weddings then. Many times the couple would appear at our front Wedding Invitations door and say they wanted to be Invitations in the old country were married. [No pre-marital counseling delivered in person by the two bridesmen in those days!] Mother would hurry who were officially appointed by the bride us to the living room to tidy it up a and groom. They were always delivered in bit before Daddy tied the knot. Often the traditional form of rhymed verse and the couple came alone so Mother almost everyone in the village was invited. would sign as a witness. I recall only Invited guests would attach a ribbon to the one wedding that was held in a staff of the indicating their church. Sometimes it would be in the acceptance of the invitation. During this home of one of the couples, but time period it was not unusual to have 100 usually it was in the parsonage. to 150 guests attend a wedding. During the 1930s and 40s, the Today, wedding invitations are pre- ring was a band for the woman only. designed and usually sent via the post They were always yellow gold. Those office. However, technology is making it were lean years and probably not easier to order pre-designed cards online. many could afford a diamond ring as For example, Rich and I created and printed well. My aunts did not have our own wedding invitations, and for those rings; however, my invited guests living overseas we sent the parents were married in 1926, before invitation via the Internet. Today, the the ‘crash.’ Mother did have a number of guests invited to a wedding solitaire diamond ring to match her depends on the budget of the bride and white gold wedding band - quite groom. unusual. My father was 16 years old when he and his family left Russia for Engagement and Wedding Rings Alberta, Canada. A few years later Some believe that the wedding band he went off to New York to go to originated in ancient Egypt along with the college and then the seminary. It belief that the fourth finger (counting the was during one of those years that thumb) on the left hand contained a vein he happened to spend a summer in that is connected directly to the heart. North Dakota and ‘discovered’ my Therefore, that finger became the ring mother. She then went to college in finger, the finger connected to love and Chicago for a year before joining him marriage. This is still known as the ring in New York. I have an idea that my finger in most parts of the world. However, parents were exposed to non- in Europe the wedding band is worn on the German-Russian ideas that they same finger though on the right hand adopted - and that may explain her instead of the left, as is common in North diamond ring.” America. In Memories of the Black Sea Germans, Unlike the old German-Russian tradition, Height mentions that engagement rings Rich presented me with a diamond

4 Heritage Review 38:4, 2008 Features Marriage and Weddings actual exchanging of vows took place at the local church or parish. John Philipps, in his engagement ring. I chose to use my book The Tragedy of the Soviet Germans (A mother’s wedding band as part of my Story of Survival) states, “Weddings usually wedding ring because of its sentimental took place in the fall, after the harvest, and the celebration lasted for two or three days. After 1934, there were no more church weddings, only civil weddings at the registry office.” “The bride was dressed in the traditional blue or black gown and she wore an embroidered shawl and a bonnet or coif. In later times, she was clad in a gown of white silk and a long veil that was fastened to her head with a crescent- shaped wreath of rosemary and myrtle – the time-honored symbols of virginity and fidelity. Around her waist she wore a silken sash which was tied in a large bow Early 1900s— wedding of Immanuel Irion & with long streamers. In her hand she Elisabeth Aipperspach in Hoffnungstal, Bessarabia carried her prayer book, a rosary, and a bouquet of myrtle.” (Height, Memories of value and because it represented my the Black Sea Germans, pp.193) parents’ happy and successful marriage. It For her 1916 wedding in Carpenter, was important to us that Rich also have a South Dakota, my grandmother wore a red wedding band which was very uncommon (yes, red!). She was from the with our German-Russian ancestors. The Wedding Report, a wedding statistics and market research firm for the wedding industry, estimates that engagement ring spending will total $6.1 billion in America for 2008, with an additional $2 billion being spent on wedding rings for and grooms. They also estimate the total 2008 market value to reach $8.1 billion growing to $9.2 billion by 2013, a 13.4% growth over the next five years. The vast majority of engagement and bridal rings will have diamonds, and more than two thirds will have white gold. Obviously, rings Honoring their heritage, are big business in today’s wedding Rich and Gayla (Ohlhauser) Aspenleiter, along with industry. German-Russian family and friends, pose for a traditional German-Russian wedding photo, August 16, 2008. Celebration and Dress Photograph reprinted with permission by Richard Learnard Weddings in Russia were usually celebrated over a three-day time period Hutterite faith although her family no longer starting on Tuesday, according to Joseph S. lived in the colony. From my research, it Height in his book Memories of the Black appears that Hutterite brides usually wore a Sea Germans. The weddings took place at blue brocade so I assume the home of the bride’s parents, but the that my grandmother’s red wedding dress

Heritage Review 38:4, 2008 5 Features Marriage and Weddings celebration had come to an end, unlike that of our ancestors which would have was her own choice and had nothing to do continued into the night with more food, with her religious customs. singing, dancing, and drinking. I broke with tradition, both German- Russian and my grandmother’s example, by Conclusion choosing purple for my wedding dress as it’s The process of finding a marriage my favorite and most complimentary color. partner has changed dramatically since Of course, white is the traditional color that most brides choose for their wedding dress today. I did follow the German-Russian custom of making the celebration last for three days. In the old country, on the evening before the wedding day the young friends of the bridal couple gathered at the house of the bride’s parents to celebrate the traditional , a farewell party for the young couple entering the married state. This evening was spent singing and dancing, eating and drinking. We had our own version of Polterabend by serving barbecued brats, sauerkraut, beer, and wine on Friday night to special family and friends, but skipped the singing and dancing. In the old country, on the day of the wedding the bridal attendants and family gathered at the home of the bride’s parents to help prepare for the bridal procession to the church. The bride and groom led the procession through town as church bells Today's couples seem to find marriage a much more joyous event than our rang and gun shots sounded. After the ancestors' photos show! church ceremony, the wedding party and guests returned to the wedding house, and weather permitting, the reception took place our ancestors’ time. We are no longer in front of the house. At midnight the bridal limited in our selection of a partner based couple was surrounded by their attendants on where we live. Technology is now for the unveiling of the bride (known as playing a significant role in matching Entschleierung). The next day was known as couples who desire to get married, and Rümpel, where married people brought their most Americans get married at some wedding gifts, usually kitchenware and linen point in their life. goods. Technology is also making the logistics At our wedding, Saturday during the day of the wedding easier. The Internet is was spent getting everything ready for the used for ordering wedding invitations, wedding. That evening we recited our own sending the invitations, and the posting of written vows and exchanged rings before a the wedding photographs for all to see. judge and 50 family members and friends in The wedding celebration has changed as our backyard garden. After the ceremony, well, but some couples today are still trying the reception started and continued until to keep some special wedding traditions the wee hours of the morning. We chose not alive in their modern-day weddings. to observe Rümpel and instead served our According to the U.S. Census Bureau guests a hearty breakfast. By noon our for the year 2007, men and women

6 Heritage Review 38:4, 2008 Features Marriage and Weddings German-Russian married mainly between the ages of 20- Wedding Terms 34, in contrast with our German-Russian ancestors who married earlier, between Abbinden, Abschmücken, Entschleierung— the ages of 18-20. unveiling of the bride Banns—public notice of the wedding Today, just one out of five adults (22%) Brautabend—farewell party for bride and groom has never been married. Among those who Brautkutsche—bridal carriage have married, one out of three has been Brautdiener—the bestmen divorced at least once. This contrasts with Brautfrau—godmother of the bride our German-Russian traditions where Brautmädel— divorce occurred only rarely. But divorce Brautschau—bride definitely did occur as both divorce and Brautwerber—matchmaker runaway husbands (or wives) are Ehrenmütter—godparents of the bride and groom mentioned in obscure documents in the Handstreich—formal handshake that sanctions the archives. engagement Archive records also show that in Russia, Hochzeit—high festival men and women with children often Hochzeitsbitter—wedding inviter remarried within six months of a spouse Hochzeitsväter—fathers of the wedding dying. No doubt this was out of necessity to Kuppelsmänner—matchmakers Liebeserklärunga—declaration of love keep a farm and home going with only the Polterabend—farewell party for bride and groom manual labor used at that time. The records Rausbitte—calling forth also show that often times the unmarried Rümpel—the day after the wedding brother or sister of the deceased spouse Süszholzraschpla—sweet talk would marry the widow/widower. Tellerbitte—invitation of the plate According to a recent report by The Waserschütten—traditional custom of pouring of Wedding Report, Inc., on average, U.S. water to symbolize blessings of Heaven to be couples spend $28,732 for their wedding. bestowed on field and home This does not include the or the rings. I am positive that our ancestors did www.internationalbridalcenter.com/article.cfm/ not spend anywhere near this amount on id/21274 Height, Joseph, Memories of the Black Sea Germans. their weddings. And, following our thrifty Bismarck: Richtman’s Printing, 1979. ancestors’ tradition, I can assure you that Paradise on the Steppe. Ann Arbor: McNaughton & Gunn, Rich and I came nowhere close to this 1973 amount for our own wedding! Keller, Rev. Conrad, The German Colonies in South Russia 1804 to 1904, Volume II. Lincoln: Augstums Printing, 1983 Gayla Aspenleiter is a member of the GRHS Morrison, Elaine Becker, “Courtship Customs.” (2008) Board of Directors, spokesperson and [article online], accessed 17 October 2008; available from webmaster for the GDO RIG, co-editor of the http://library.ndsu.edu/grhc/history_culture/ custom_traditions/ Heritage Review, and is active in many GRHS Olberman, Keith, “House for sale, bride committees. She grew up in Billings, included.” (2005) [article online], accessed 17 October Montana, but like her ancestors, has moved 2008; available from http://www.msnbc.msn.com/ around many times looking for the perfect id/9996341/ Philipps, John, The Tragedy of the Soviet Germans. place to live. After her “love at first sight” Bismarck: Richtman’s Printing, 1991. experience with fellow German-Russian Rich The Wedding Report, Engagement and Wedding Ring Aspenleiter, she found the perfect place (and Report (2008) [report online], accessed 17 October 2008; person!) and currently lives in Spokane, available from http://www.theweddingreport.com The Wedding Report, Average Wedding Costs (2008) Washington. [report online], accessed 17 October 2008; available from http://www.costofwedding.com/ Sources U.S. Census Bureau, 2007 American Community Charlton, Reno, “The History of Engagement Rings Survey 1-Year Estimates (2007) [report online], accessed and Wedding Bands” (2008) [article online], accessed 17 October 2008; available from http:// 17 October 2008; available from http:// factfinder.census.gov/

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