MISS BETSY GOES TO WASHINGTON
A Written Creative Work submitted to the faculty of San Francisco State University In partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree
Master of Fine Arts
In
Creative Writing: Playwriting
by
Nicole Elizabeth Jost
San Francisco, California
May 2018 Copyright by Nicole Elizabeth Jost 2018 CERTIFICATION OF APPROVAL
I certify that I have read Miss Betsy Goes to Washington by Nicole Elizabeth Jost, and that in my opinion this work meets the criteria for approving a Written Creative Work submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirement for the degree Master of Fine Arts in
Creative Writing: Playwriting at San Francisco State University.
7 Michelle Carter, M.A. Professor of Creative Writing Andrew~ Assistant Professor of Creative Writing MISS BETSY GOES TO WASHINGTON
Nicole Elizabeth Jost San Francisco, California 2018
A new full length play. Synopsis: Before she became Secretary DeVos, she was Miss
Betsy. A modem political history spectacle like nothing you've seen before! See Miss
Betsy tango with Bernie Sanders, sing along with Orrin Hatch, and juggle with Elizabeth
Warren! See her groom a young Black girl for school choice greatness! MISS BETSY
GOES TO WASHINGTON draws on the real transcripts of Betsy DeVos' s Senate
confirmation hearing and imagined interactions between Miss Betsy the mentor and her
Grand Rapids students. A vaudeville with national questions.
I certify that the Annotation is a correct representation of the content of this written creative work.
S-2.-18 /Chair, Thesis Committee Date ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To Larry and Michelle: for your guidance and your early support of this play.
To Brenna: for your insight.
To Lily: for everything.
v CHARACTERS (4F, 2M, 2M/F)
MISS BETSY, Betsy DeVos. A white woman in her late 50s. President-elect Trump' s nominee for U.S. Secretary of Education. "Miss Betsy" is how she is known to her public school mentees in Michigan.
PUPPET ALEXANDER, Senator Lamar Alexander (R-Tennessee). Chairman of the U. S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions. Represented by a puppet.
PUPPET MURRAY, Senator Patty Murray CD- Washington). Ranking member of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions. Represented by a puppet. (Ideally, one puppeteer can puppet both ALEXANDER and MURRAY, reducing the cast size to seven.)
TIARA, a third grader attending a public school in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Later, a fourth grader, a seventh grader, an eighth grader, a college senior, and a young adult. She is Afro-Latina. Her name is pronounced tee-AHR-uh, but MISS BETSY mispronounces it as tee-AIR-uh.
An ensemble offour SENATORS, at least two women and up to two men. The SENATORS also play PHOTOGRAPHERS, WEDDING GUESTS, STUDENTS, JOURNALISTS, and other minor roles (see following page).
SENATOR #1 (R) plays:
• Senator Mike ENZI (R-Wyoming) • Senator Orrin HATCH (R-Utah) • Senator Bill CASSIDY (R-Louisiana) • Senator Pat ROBERTS (R-Kansas) 2
SENATOR #2 (R), a Black woman, plays:
• Senator Johnny ISAKSON (R-Georgia) • Senator Rand PAUL (R-Kentucky) • Senator Susan COLLINS (R-Maine)
SENATOR #3, a Latina, (D) plays:
• Senator Bernie SANDERS (!-Vermont) • Senator Elizabeth WARREN (D-Massachusetts) • Senator Maggie HASSAN (D-New Hampshire)
SENATOR #4 (D) plays:
• Senator Al FRANKEN (D-Minnesota) • Senator Chris MURPHY (D-Connecticut)
OTHER CHARACTERS PLAYED BY THE ENSEMBLE
MS. JONES, a 3rd grade public school Math teacher in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Played by the actor who plays SENATOR #2.
MCCONNELL, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). Played by the actor who plays SENATOR # 1.
NYDIA, Nydia Salazar. An 18-year-old college freshman. Peruvian. Played by the actor who plays SENATOR #3. Her name is pronounced NIH-dee-uh, though it is mispronounced by Senator PAUL in the play.
DENISHA, Denisha Merriweather. A 26-year-old college graduate. Black. Played by the actor who plays SENATOR #2. Her name is pronounced duh-NEE-shuh, though it is mispronounced by Senator PAUL in the play. 3
PHYSICAL PERFORMER(S), a person or pair/group of people with physical disabilities who are also dancers/yogis/contortionists/weight lifters or skilled in some type of movement-based performance. There are two ways to cast this: one way is to cast an actor with a physical disability and a movement-based performance skill as a member of the ensemble of SENATORS. The other way is to bring in guest artist( s) for Scene 19 specifically. In that case there might be different guest artist(s) each night, or the same throughout the run.
PENCE, Vice President-elect Mike Pence. Played by a house manager or other theater staffer instead of an actor. PENCE need not have any costuming.
LESLEY STAHL, journalist and longtime correspondent for 60 Minutes. Played by the actor who plays SENATOR #3.
STONEMAN DOUGLAS STUDENT, Alanna. She tweets as @_Archaide_. Played by the actor who plays SENATOR #2.
PLACE
U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions
430 Dirksen Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
and
Grand Rapids, Michigan 4
TIME
January 17, 2017. 5pm.
NOTES
1. "Miss Betsy" is a typical nickname given to an adult who works with students but is not a regular teacher. (Most students are so accustomed to calling their teachers "Mister/Miss [Last Name]" that when an adult gives them permission to use their first name instead, they default to "Mister/Miss [First Name].") Calling DeVos "Miss Betsy" is tongue in cheek. But the name itself is not a stand-in for disrespect, and it is not disrespectful when used by the TIARA character.
2. At the time of this writing, all members of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions are white except for Senator Tim Scott (R-South Carolina), who is not featured in this play. However, the SENATORS should be cast as a racially diverse ensemble that can transform into the familiar figures.
3. Scene titles should be displayed either as projections or on vaudeville style placards.
4. Near the end of the play, ushers will collect votes from members of the audience. If possible, the votes should be counted and the results should be reported to the audience after the play.
5. The use of I indicates overlapping speech. 5
SCENE 1: Michigan, a Prologue
A flashback. A daydream. MISS BETSY stands alone against the backdrop (projection) of the interior of an older public school building in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Her expensive clothes and jewelry contrast sharply against the shabbiness of the school hallways. Loud noise ofchildren laughing and running.
VOICE OF ADULT TIARA (From off) Miss Betsy?
MISS BETSY, startled, turns.
A school bell rings. Blackout. 6
SCENE 2: The Opening Act
Projection: "January 17, 2017. 5pm."
Music. Lights up on the vaudeville set. No one is there. Beat.
The music, expectant, plays again. Beat.
A tiny stage emerges, echoing the vaudeville set, but miniaturized. PUPPET ALEXANDER emerges from the tiny set.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
January 17th, 2017. It is 5 PM. The hearing of the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee will come to order!
Projection: "Senator Lamar Alexander (R-Tennessee). U.S Senator since 2003. Chairman ofthe U.S Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions. "
PUPPET ALEXANDER
I am Chairman Lamar Alexander, and this is the hearing to consider the nomination of Betsy DeVos to be the U.S. Secretary of Education.
PUPPET MURRAY emerges, in close proximity to PUPPET ALEXANDER. 7
PUPPET MURRAY
Mr. Chairman!
Projection: "Senator Patty Murray (D-Washington). U.S. Senator since 1993. Ranking member ofthe U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions. "
PUPPET MURRAY
I am Ranking Member Patty Murray, and I am extremely disappointed that we are moving forward with this hearing before receiving the proper paperwork from the Office of Government Ethics!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Will the Ranking Member please shush?
PUPPET MURRAY
When President Obama entered the White House, Republicans insisted on having an Ethics letter before moving to a hearing!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
May I remind you of the golden rule: "All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." 8
PUPPET MURRAY
What are you talking about?
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Matthew 7:12.
PUPPET MURRAY
What does that have to do with anything???
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Informally: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
PUPPET MURRAY
I'm talking about the Ethics letter!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Golden rule!
PUPPET MURRAY
Ethics letter!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Golden rule! 9
PUPPET ALEXANDER and PUPPET MURRAY box like Punch and Judy.
Winded, they resume their duties.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
More than 25 years ago, Mrs. DeVos, I was sitting where you are sitting as the nominee for Secretary of Education.
PUPPET MURRAY
(To the audience)
Whatta showoff. ..
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Following Mrs. DeVos's comments, we will have a five-minute round of questions.
PUPPET MURRAY and SENATORS FROM OFF
Five minutes?!?!?
PUPPET ALEXANDER
One five-minute round of questions as was the case for both of President Obama' s Education nominees. That was the case for me too, in 1991. The golden rule! 10
PUPPET MURRAY and the SENATORS (from off) protest. PUPPET ALEXANDER raises a hand to silence them.
PUPPET MURRAY
Mr. Chairman, I' m going to continue pushing for robust scrutiny of every one of President-elect Trump' s nominees. I am extremely disappointed that we are moving forward with this hearing before receiving the proper paperwork from the Office of Government Ethics!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
You said that already.
PUPPET MURRAY
I can only hope that cutting corners and rushing nominees through will not be the new norm.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mrs. DeVos has already met with each of us in our offices.
PUPPET MURRAY
Five minutes is not enough time!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
That is the precedent that we followed as far back as 1991. 11
PUPPET MURRAY
But Mr. Chairman!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
(Shouting ojj)
Well? What are we waiting for???
Music. MISS BETSY enters. She wears a purple blazer. The SENATORS enter as PHOTOG RAPHERS , surrounding MISS BETSY, swarming like bees.
MISS BETSY poses for a photo with PUPPET ALEXANDER, who beams.
MISS BETSY poses for a photo with PUPPET MURRAY, who scowls.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Welcome, Miss Betsy! 12
SCENE 3: Miss Betsy's Solo
Dramatic spotlight on MISS BETSY Maybe she blinks in the light. She sings.
MISS BETSY
Hello, Chairman Alexander. ..
Hello, Ranking Member Murray ...
Hello, Senators ...
MISS BETSY looks around for the SENATORS, who are still playing PHOTOGRAPHERS One ofthe PHOTOGRAPHERS motions for her to keep going anyway.
MISS BETSY
I look forward to working with you!
I was honored to be chosen by the President-elect
PUPPET MURRAY boos. She tries to get the audience to join in. PUPPET ALEXANDER shushes her. 13
MISS BETSY
And I think it's time that we provide what morns and dads expect!
While it's true that you and I may sometimes disagree
I'm a mother, and grandmother, from a loving family
Sound effect: ca-ching!
MISS BETSY
I am caring and committed, as I think you'll come to see!
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree, that whether public, private, magnet, virtual, charter, home, or religious- (big breath)
Our moms and dads deserve a choice!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
(Panicked)
Did she say Pro-Choice???
PUPPET MURRAY, annoyed, shakes her head. 14
MISS BETSY
(Spoken, sweetly)
School choice
PUPPET ALEXANDER breathes a sigh ofrelief
MISS BETSY
And I've made it my life's work
To give those moms and dads a voice!
It's two thousand seventeen, is this where we oughta be?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree, that education, in our nation, is a fundamental good
There are dedicated teachers, who want to do just as they should
All of us here, and our children, went to different kinds of schools
Some are public, some are private, and they work by different rules
But this difference isn't difference, it's instead diversity! 15
MISS BETSY
(Cont.)
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
I look forward to working with you!
SENATORS as PHOTOGRAPHERS and PUPPET ALEXANDER
We look forward to working with you!
A bluesy break in the music. MISS BETSY performs the following like a lounge singer.
MISS BETSY
(Spoken)
You know, members of the committee ... For nearly three decades, I've been involved in education, as a volunteer, an advocate for children, and a voice for parents. I've worked as an in-school mentor for students in the Grand Rapids, Michigan Public Schools, and have had the privilege of interacting with students and their families in ways that have changed my life and my perspective about education forever. 16
A school bell rings. MISS BETSY jumps.
Beat.
MISS BETSY picks up where she left off
MISS BETSY
And uh, I've worked to expand educational opportunity through options that are making a lifetime of difference for hundreds of thousands of kids this year alone. For me, it's simple: I trust parents, and I believe in our children.
The music picks up again.
MISS BETSY
(Sung)
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree, that we shouldn't put our stock in that old one-size-fits-all way
That federal control is wrong if moms and dads don't have a say
We need local solutions, we need local control
To get ev'ry unique kid out there on his own honor roll 17
MISS BETSY
(Cont.)
And these problems won't be solved right here in Washington, DC!
Can't we agree?
Oh, can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree-ee, that the majority of students, yes! Will stay in public schools
If you think I'd chuck that system, listen: you've been fooled
But vouchers will put power back into the hands of kids!
And innovation, in education, can become that thing we did
And I'll want to work together, all of you and me
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Wait and see!
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Can't we agree?
Pick me! 18
MISS BETSY
(Cont.)
Can't we agree?
So Senators, my time is up
I'm wondering what you'll do!
I look forward to working with you!
PUPPET ALEXANDER applauds like crazy. He tries to get the audience to join in.
PUPPET MURRAY boos and scowls. She also tries to get the audience to join in.
The SENATORS as PHOTOGRAPHERS snap a bunch of photos.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Thank you, Miss Betsy. We will now-
PUPPET ALEXANDER looks around. He sees that the SENATORS are still playing PHOTOGRAPHERS. He makes an 19
exasperated gesture to them. They scurry offstage. They reenter as SENATORS #1, #2, #3, and #4.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
We will now begin our round of five-minute questions!
PUPPET MURRAY
Point of order!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
What is your point of order?
PUPPET MURRAY
Mr. Chairman, we had a second round of questions with the John King hearings. I asked two rounds of questions in that case.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
You did and I did.
PUPPET MURRAY
So, I'm saying .. .
PUPPET ALEXANDER
I'm not going to change the rules in the middle of the game! 20
PUPPET MURRAY
I was not aware that they were "rules."
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Precedent! Golden Rule! Do unto others!
PUPPET MURRAY
But nobody asked for additional time before!
PUPPET ALEXANDER and PUPPET MURRAY box.
Winded, they resume their duties. 21
SCENE 4: A Little Town Called Wapiti
Projection: "Senator Mike Enzi (R Wyoming). US Senator since 1997."
ENZI (To the audience) I know a guy who wears a tutu and goes to bars on Friday night- and is always surprised that he gets in fights! Well..: he kind of asks for it a little bit.
Projection: "Fun Fact: Mike Enzi is an Eagle Scout. There are 9 other Eagle Scouts in the Senate, including 1 in this play: Lamar Alexander. "
ENZJ and PUPPET ALEXANDER greet each other with the Boy Scouts' three-finger salute.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
We will begin with Senator Enzi.
Cheesy standup comedy music and a laugh track. ENZJ steps up to the mic, waving genially to the crowd. MISS BETSY takes her place next to him.
ENZI
Hi there, Miss Betsy. 22
MISS BETSY
Good evening, Senator Enzi.
ENZI
Hey, whoa, okay, uh- you call me Mike.
Laugh track.
MISS BETSY
Okay, Mike!
ENZI
I want to welcome you here and thank you for being willing to take on this kind of a project. I guess, uh, this can be sort of a tough room.
Laugh track.
MISS BETSY
It's my pleasure.
ENZI
I enjoyed meeting with you last month, and I look forward to working with you. 23
MISS BETSY
·(Sings)
I look forward to working with you!
ENZI laughs.
ENZI
You know, uh, I've been around here for 20 years now.
MISS BETSY whistles.
MISS BETSY
That sure is a long time, Mike.
ENZI
It is a long time! But, uh, I don't look a day over 73 .
Sound effect: Ba-doom chh!
ENZI
I kid, I kid. Well let's see, uh, how bout this crowd we got here. How's everyone doin'? 24
ENZI waits for the audience 's response. If it is lackluster, he may ask again.
ENZI
That's great. Hey, uh, who here's been to Wyoming?
ENZI waits for the audience 's response. If anyone has, in fact, been to Wyoming, he may approach them and improvise a follow-up question such as "Whereabouts? " and/or "What 'd you think ofthe Cowboy State? "
ENZI
Anybody? Anybody? Miss Betsy, have you had the opportunity to visit the Cowboy State?
MISS BETSY
I can't say that I have.
ENZI
Oh well. I' lllet it slide this time.
Laugh track. 25
ENZI
Equal rights! That's our motto. Our official state motto, I mean, Miss Betsy. Wyoming was, uh, the first state to grant women the right to vote, did you know that?
MISS BETSY
No, I didn't!
ENZI
I love a woman in politics, love a woman in politics! Miss Betsy, did you know that I'm an accountant?
MISS BETSY
I sure did, Mike!
ENZI
Good thing. 'Cause I'm uh-counting on you!
Sound effect: Ba-doom chh!
ENZI
Now, as, uh, Secretary of Education, you're going to be dealing with a great variety of states, from high population to low population. I happen to come from the lowest population state.
Sound effect: "Awwwww. " 26
ENZI
Thank you good people. But, uh, don't feel sorry for us. We like to take up space in Wyoming. Forgive me for being crass, Miss Betsy, but, uh, size does matter.
Laugh track.
ENZI
Yes, size. Uh, space! We've got 150 times more space per person than, oh, I dunno ... Massachusetts.
WARREN
Can it, Enzi!
ENZI
(To WARREN)
It's my five minutes, Warren! (Back to MISS BETSY and the crowd) They, uh, call New York City "The Big Apple," don't they? Now, uh, I don't know what kind of sense that makes. We've got four thousand times more space than your average New Yorker. That's a whole Iotta people sharing one "Big Apple"!
MISS BETSY
It sure is!
Laugh track. 27
ENZI
But, uh, getting back to the issues. In Wyoming, we have special challenges in education. Call them "rural and frontier challenges~ " We don't allow a child to travel more than an hour by bus to school. But we 've got a lot of space, ya see. So as a result, we, uh, have some schools that have only one or two students.
MISS BETSY
That's a pretty small school.
ENZI
It sure is, Miss Betsy. Why, ifthe Captain of the Football Team wants to pick on the Captain of the Chess Team ... he 's gotta give himself that black eye!
Sound effect: Ba-doom chh!
ENZI
If the Valedictorian gets the Class Clown suspended ... there's nobody left at school!
Sound effect: Ba-doom chh!
ENZI
If the Prom Queen takes pity on the Nerd ... she 's gotta put her hand up her own skirt!
Sound effect: Crickets. 28
ENZI
Er, uh, what I mean to say is ...
MISS BETSY
I know what you mean, Mike. If the head of the Young Republicans wants to debate the head of the Young Democrats I
ENZI
Democrats? In Wyoming?
ENZJ cracks up. Beat. He clears his throat.
ENZI
Good one, Miss Betsy. That was good. Tell us, why don't you, what are your plans to engage rural and frontier states like mine?
MISS BETSY
Thank you for that question. Well, I enjoyed meeting with you in your office, and I particularly enjoyed hearing a little bit about the special needs of schools in Wyoming. Like the Wapiti School that has the grizzly bear fence surrounding it. I think that is a unique need to Wyoming, certainly!
Laugh track. ENZJ is tickled. 29
MISS BETSY
Rural schools require different approaches and different options. When I think about the future, I think about the possibility that course choices or online courses could be offered in ways that they may not have been previously.
ENZI
Online courses. That' s the future, huh Miss Betsy?
MISS BETSY
That's right.
ENZI
I may be 73 years old, but uh, I think I know a thing or two about the Web. Say, Miss Betsy, what kind of a doctor fixes broken websites?
MISS BETSY
I don't know, what kind?
ENZI
A U-R-L-ogist!
Sound effect: Ba-doom chh! ENZI and MISS BETSY laugh. 30
ENZI
This has been fun. How bout a round of applause for my special guest here?
ENZI tries to get the audience to clap for MISS BETSY PUPPET ALEXANDER and SENATOR #2join in.
ENZI
Miss Betsy, I look forward to working with you as we consider your nomination ... and then after that!
ENZI winks in an exaggerated fashion. Laugh track, big canned applause. ENZI and MISS BETSY bow.
The school bell rings. Transition. 31
SCENE 5: Michigan, a Mentor
Projection: "14 Years Earlier. 2003."
MISS BETSY, sans purple blazer, waits in an empty public elementary school classroom, complete with little-kid-sized furniture. She is, as before, out ofplace in the old building.
TIARA and MS. JONES enter. TIARA wears casual school clothes, perhaps jeans and a T-shirt.
MISS BETSY
(To TIARA)
Hello there.
MS. JONES
Tiara, this is Mrs. DeVos. Mrs. DeVos, this is Tiara.
TIARA
Hello.
MISS BETSY crouches down to TIARA 'S level. 32
MISS BETSY
Hello, Tiara. It's very nice to meet you. You can call me Betsy.
TIARA
Okay, Miss Betsy.
MISS BETSY smiles at being named this way.
MS. JONES
(To TIARA)
Tiara, Mrs. DeVos is here to give you a little extra help. She' 11 meet you here at Coleman, every Tuesday after school. Does that sound okay?
TIARA gives a small, shy nod.
MS. JONES
(To MISS BETSY)
Thank you for being here. Tiara is a great kid. And she could really benefit from some additional support.
MISS BETSY
You're welcome.
Awkward beat. 33
MS. JONES
Okay, well. I'm just down the hall ifyou need anything.
MS. JONES exits.
MISS BETSY
I'm going to be your mentor, Tiara. Do you know what that means?
TIARA shakes her head.
MISS BETSY
A mentor is a caring adult who's there to help to a kid that needs it. Do you understand?
TIARA
Yes.
MISS BETSY
Good. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?
TIARA
... Like what? 34
MISS BETSY
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
TIARA
I have a little sister.
MISS BETSY
Do you like being an older sister?
TIARA
Yes, I like it.
MISS BETSY
And what about your mom and dad?
TIARA
My daddy doesn't live with us.
MISS BETSY
I see ... . Do you miss him?
TIARA
I don' t know. 35
MISS BETSY
It's okay, Tiara. You can tell me anything. This is just between you and me.
TIARA
Yes, I miss him.
MISS BETSY
You can trust me. I won't tell.
Beat.
MISS BETSY
What's your favorite subject in school?
TIARA
I like Art. ... Ms. Jones said I could show you some of my drawings?
MISS BETSY
Sure!
TIARA digs in her backpack and pulls out four drawings. She hands them to MISS BETSY They are 36
better than average for a third grader. I
TIARA
That's me, my little sister, and my mami, from when we had my birthday party. That's a self portrait. And that one is my school.
MISS BETSY
(Pointing to the fourth drawing)
Who are these people?
TIARA
That' s me, and that' s my best friend Destiny.
MISS BETSY
And what are you doing?
TIARA
We 're meeting at the tall tree in front of my school before we walk home. We always walk together and sometimes we have secret talks.
MISS BETSY
What kind of secret talks? 37
TIARA
I can't tell you because they're secrets.
MISS BETSY
I promise I won't tell anyone.
TIARA
Uh uh. I pinky promised Destiny and if I break my promise she can break my pinky!
MISS BETSY
Huh. Well, we don't want that.
TIARA
Nope.
MISS BETSY
These are very nice drawings, Tiara.
TIARA
I like to draw.
MISS BETSY
I can see that. Your mommy must be very proud of you. 38
TIARA
I still haven't showed her these ones.
MISS BETSY
Why not?
TIARA
I want to, but I have to wait till Saturday because she's working at night.
MISS BETSY
Where does she work?
TIARA
I dunno. By the airport.
MISS BETSY
That's very far away.
TIARA
It's a far drive, but now she has to take the bus because our car doesn't work. 39
MISS BETSY
I see.
Beat.
MISS BETSY gets a (white) Barbie doll out ofher purse.
MISS BETSY
This is for you, Tiara. A present.
TIARA
Thank you.
TIA RA takes the Barbie out ofth e box and starts playing with its hair.
TIARA
Ms. Jones said I should give you one of my drawings?
MISS BETSY
Only if you want to.
TIARA thinks. TIARA hands MISS BETSY her selfportrait . 40
MISS BETSY
It's beautiful. Thank you, Tiara.
MISS BETSY holds the selfportrait ofTIARA. TIARA holds the white Barbie doll.
Transition. 41
SCENE 6: The 200 Million Dollar Tango
Projection: "Senator Bernie Sanders (I- Vermont). U.S. Senator since 2007. "
SANDERS
(To the audience)
Our job is to do two things- to defeat Donald Trump and to elect Hillary Clinton. It is easy to boo, but it is harder to look your kids in the face if we are living under a Trump presidency.
Projection: "Fun Fact: More than I in I 0 people who voted for Bernie Sanders in the 20I6 Democratic presidential primary went on to vote for Donald Trump in the general election. Nearly half ofthose voters disagreed with the statement 'White people have advantages. '"
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Sanders.
Tango music. Dramatic spotlight on SANDERS. SANDERS assumes a tango pose. MISS BETSY, back in her purple blazer, appears. SANDERS beckons MISS BETSY SANDERS and MISS BETSY dance throughout the following SANDERS leads. 42
SANDERS
Miss Betsy, would you agree with me that if there is a mom watching this hearing who makes 30 thousand dollars a year, a single mom perhaps, who has to pay 10 thousand dollars a year for childcare- that that is a burden that is almost impossible to deal with?
SANDERS spins MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
Well, that certainly is a burden ...
SANDERS
What are your proposals about making childcare universal for our working families?
MISS BETSY
I think if we are talking about the future of that child and their education, I would look forward I
SANDERS
Do you have ideas on that? Do you agree with the idea of universal childcare?
SANDERS dips MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
I feel very strongly about the importance of young families having an opportunity for good childcare for their children. 43
SANDERS rights MISS BETSY again.
SANDERS
Opportunity! Opportunity. You know, very often my Republican friends talk about "opportunity." It' s not a question of opportunity, it's a question of being able to afford it!
MISS BETSY
I'm I
SANDERS
How do we make sure those moms can get quality childcare that they can afford?
MISS BETSY
I would look forward to helping that mom get quality education for their child so they can look forward to a bright and hopeful future.
SANDERS spins MISS BETSY
SANDERS
Miss Betsy, I don't mean to be rude, but ... do you think if you were not a multi billionaire, if your family had not made hundreds of thousands of dollars in contributions to the Republican Party, that you would be sitting here today?
SANDERS rights her again. 44
SANDERS
Well?
MISS BETSY
As a matter of fact, I do think there would be that possibility. I have I
SANDERS
There is a growing fear in this country that we are moving toward what some would call an oligarchic form of society, where a small number of very, very wealthy billionaires control our economic and political life. Would you be so kind as to tell us just how much your family has contributed to the Republican Party over the years?
SANDERS leads MISS BETSY into dipping him. She struggles to support his weight.
MISS BETSY
I don't know.
SANDERS
I have heard the number was 200 million dollars. Does that sound in the ballpark?
MISS BETSY
Collectively, between my entire family? ... That is possible. 45
SANDERS
Possible.
MISS BETSY
That is ...
Big finish! The final pose is flattering to SANDERS, but not to MISS BETSY
SANDERS
Thank you very much.
SANDERS bows. PUPPET MURRAY and SENATOR #4 applaud. 46
SCENE 7: A More Perfect Union
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Thank you, Senator Sanders.
PUPPET MURRAY gives SANDERS a thumbs up. PUPPET ALEXANDER shakes his head.
Projection: "Senator Johnny Isakson (R-Georgia). U.S. Senator since 2005. "
ISAKSON (To the audience) It was a poor choice of words. I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, and I sincerely apologize.
Projection: "Fun Fact: In 2010, Johnny Isakson responded to a speech by then-candidate Sharron Angle by saying, 'It wasn 't the kind ofspeech you would give to the unwashed back home. '"
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Isakson.
Music: Pachelbel 's "Canon in D. " SENATORS #1, #3, and #4 become WEDDING GUESTS. ISAKSON is the groom, waiting for his bride to 47
walk down the aisle. MISS BETSY is the bride.
ISAKSON puts on a sash that reads "Government. " The sash is decorated with American flags. MISS BETSY, with help from the SENATORS as WEDDING GUESTS, puts on a sash that reads "Private Sector. " The sash is decorated with green dollar signs.
Music: "Here Comes the Bride. " MISS BETSY walks down the aisle. ISAKSON serves as the officiant for his own wedding.
ISAKSON
Thank you, Miss Betsy, for your commitment to your state, your commitment to education, and for being here today. I have some remarks prepared.
He clears his throat.
ISAKSON
If you are going to meet the challenges of public education today and have to depend solely on the resources that are available to it, you will never get to where you want to go. But, if you get the private sector making an investment in public education, you can greatly expand the opportunity of education, and do it through using faith-based, private, and other types of institutions.
He holds, as iffor applause, but the SENATORS as WEDDING GUESTS are quietly attentive rather than enthusiastic. ISAKSON clears his throat. 48
ISAKSON
Miss Betsy. In 2015 , Senators Bennett, King, Booker, Burr, Alexander, and myself introduced a bill to simplify the burdensome, aggravating application process families fill out for federal financial aid, known as F AFSA. Will you commit to working with this committee to simplify the F AFSA?
MISS BETSY
I will.
ISAKSON and MISS BETSY take one step towards each other.
ISAKSON
This committee has established a task force on government regulation and identified 59 specific burdensome regulations that engage public education. Will you commit to advancing the recommendations of this task force?
MISS BETSY
If confirmed, I look forward to working with you to implement the things that are deemed appropriate to be done.
ISAKSON and MISS BETSY take one step towards each other. 49
ISAKSON
Now, of those 59 recommendations I mentioned, 12 are totally at the auspices of the Secretary of Education. They can be invalidated and changed immediately. Will you commit to us that you will work to implement those items that the Secretary currently has the authority to change?
MISS BETSY
You have my commitment on that, Senator.
ISAKSON
I do?
MISS BETSY
You do!
Music: Mendelssohn 's "Wedding March. " ISAKSON and MISS BETSY share a chaste wedding kiss. The SENATORS as WEDDING GUESTS snap photos and throw rice (or blow bubbles).
The school bell rings. Transition. 50
SCENE 8: Michigan, a Gift (of Sorts)
MISS BETSY, again without her purple blazer, waits in the empty elementary school classroom we saw in Scene 5. It is later in that same school year (2003) .
TIARA enters. She rushes up to MISS BETSY and hugs her.
MISS BETSY
Oh! That's so sweet.
TIARA digs around in her backpack.
TIARA
This is for you, Miss Betsy. From my mami.
TIARA hands MISS BETSY a handwritten note. She digs around some more.
TIARA
And this one is from me.
TIARA hands MISS BETSY a drawing of herself, her sister, her mother, and a brand new car. 51
TIARA
My mami told me to say, "Thank you very much for the car and may God bless you."
MISS BETSY
You're welcome.
TIARA hugs MISS BETSY again. Beat.
MISS BETSY
I liked getting to meet your mommy and your sister last weekend. Did you have fun?
TIARA
Yes.
MISS BETSY
That' s good. I really want to help you, Tiara. Do you understand?
TIARA
Yes.
MISS BETSY
I'm here to help you with whatever you need. 52
TIARA
Okay. Miss Betsy, is it okay if I draw some stuff?
MISS BETSY
Sure.
TIARA draws.
MISS BETSY
Tiara, tell me about your school. Do you like it here at Coleman?
TIARA
Yes.
MISS BETSY
How come?
TIARA
I like it because my best friend is here, and all my other friends are here too, and I like Art.
MISS BETSY
What about your other classes? 53
TIARA frowns.
TIARA
They're okay, I guess.
MISS BETSY
Just okay?
TIARA
I have a bad grade in Reading. I don't like it.
MISS BETSY
Is Ms. Jones your Reading teacher?
TIARA
No. She's Math. She's nice.
MISS BETSY
Your Reading teacher is not nice?
TIARA
No, he's not nice. He makes me read in front of the class but he knows I'm bad at reading and I mess up and kids laugh at me. 54
MISS BETSY
That's not very nice at all.
TIARA
But Destiny is really good in Reading and sometimes she helps me.
MISS BETSY
Is that your tutor?
TIARA
No, my best friend Destiny.
MISS BETSY
I see.
Beat.
MISS BETSY
What if you could go to a different school? Maybe a private school, with nice teachers and lots of extra help?
TIARA
Uh uh. 55
MISS BETSY
What do you mean, "Uh uh"?
TIARA
No, I like Coleman.
MISS BETSY
And your Reading teacher?
TIARA
He's not nice. But I like my school.
MISS BETSY
But what if you could go somewhere better? I could help you. I could help your mommy with the tuition and get you in somewhere really nice.
TIARA
That would make me sad.
MISS BETSY
Tiara, don't you think if you're having trouble in Reading there should be someone to help you? 56
TIARA
Destiny helps me.
MISS BETSY
A grownup.
TIARA
Like you!
MISS BETSY
Well, an expert. Someone here at Coleman every day.
TIARA
Okay, they should come to Coleman!
MISS BETSY
Who?
TIARA
The expert! They should come to my school. That's good.
MISS BETSY
But what if I 57
TIARA
Done!
TIARA hands MISS BETSY her drawing. It is a portrait ofMISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
Is this me?
TIARA
Yes.
MISS BETSY
That's very good.
TIARA
It has your necklace and your pretty hair.
MISS BETSY
You think my hair' s pretty? 58
TIARA
Yes.
TIARA hugs MISS BETSY
The school bell rings. Transition. 59
SCENE 9: A Very Special Episode
Projection: "Senator AI Franken (D Minnesota). U.S Senator from 2009- January 2, 2018. "
FRANKEN
(To the audience)
I, of all people, am aware that there is some irony in the fact that I am leaving while a man who has bragged on tape about his history of sexual assault sits in the Oval Office. But this decision is not about me.
Projection: "In 2017, radio host Leeann Tweeden accused AI Franken ofgroping and kissing her without her consent while they were working as comedians a decade earlier. 7 other women then accused Franken ofsexual misconduct. 32 Democratic . senators called for Franken to resign, including all the Democrats in this play and 1 Republican Susan Collins. "
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Franken.
After-school special music. FRANKEN and the SENATORS form a schoolhouse tableau with FRANKEN as the teacher. MISS BETSY does not find her place. FRANKEN and the SENATORS break from the tableau, and the 60
SENATORS, as STUDENTS, giggle and chat. FRANKEN prepares 'himselffor class.
FRANKEN turns to face the STUDENTS. Immediately, the SENATORS as STUDENTS become quiet and attentive. MISS BETSY, out ofstep, has not yet taken her seat.
FRANKEN Miss Betsy?
SENATOR #3 giggles.
MISS BETSY Yes?
FRANKEN Take your seat, please.
MISS BETSY sits.
FRANKEN
Alright, class. Before we begin, please pass your homework to the front.
The SENATORS as STUDENTS turn in neatly stapled, multi-page essays. Only MISS BETSY has nothing.
FRANKEN reviews the stack of papers, murmuring names under his breath.
FRANKEN
Miss Betsy? 61
MISS BETSY
Yes?
FRANKEN
Where is your essay?
MISS BETSY
I don't. .. I, uh ...
FRANKEN
I see.
FRANKEN makes a note.
FRANKEN
Okay, well, let's pick up where we left off. When I first got in the Senate in 2009, I had a roundtable of principals. And one ofthe principals said, "We think ofthe NCLB- " which stands for ... ?
SENATORS as STUDENTS
(In unison)
No Child Left Behind! 62
FRANKEN
Very good. "We think of the NCLB tests as autopsies." And I knew exactly what he meant. What he was saying is that the students take the test in April, and if they're lucky they get 'em back in June- the teachers can't use the results to inform their instruction. In Minnesota, in addition to the NCLB test, the majority of the schools were taking a computer adaptive test. Why a computer test?
All the SENATORS raise their hands. FRANKEN calls on SENATOR #3.
SENATOR#3
A computer test gives you results right away.
FRANKEN
Very good. Why an adaptive test?
All the SENATORS raise their hands. FRANKEN calls on SENATOR #1.
SENATOR #1
An adaptive test. .. adapts to the student?
FRANKEN chuckles good-naturedly.
FRANKEN
Yes, an adaptive test adapts to the student, meaning it can measure outside the grade level. This brings me to the issue of "proficiency versus growth." 63
All the SENATORS raise their hands.
FRANKEN
Miss Betsy.
MISS BETSY
Yes?
FRANKEN
Miss Betsy, I would like your views on the relative advantage of using assessments to measure proficiency or to measure growth.
Beat.
MISS BETSY
I think ... ifl am understanding your question correctly around proficiency, I would also correlate it to competency and mastery. So that each student is measured according to the advancement that they're making in each subject area.
SENATOR #3 snickers. FRANKEN holds up a hand.
FRANKEN
That's growth. That's not proficiency. 64
MISS BETSY
Proficiency is if they have reached a third grade level for reading, etcetera?
FRANKEN
Yes, but I'm talking about the debate between proficiency and growth. What are your thoughts on that?
Beat. All SENATORS swivel to look at MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
I was just asking to clarify I
FRANKEN
This is a subject that has been debated in the education community for years. I've advocated for growth, because with proficiency teachers ignore the kids at the top who are not gonna fall below proficiency, and they ignore the kids at the bottom who they know, no matter what they do, will never get to proficiency. But I'm surprised, Miss Betsy, that you don't know this issue.
MISS BETSY
1. ..
FRANKEN
Well, I'm not that surprised that you don't know this issue. 65
MISS BETSY
I...
FRANKEN gestures. SENATOR #3 produces an oversized dunce cap and places it on MISS BETSY'S head. Reprise of the after-school special music.
FRANKEN So, class, what did we learn today?
SENATORS as STUDENTS Always be prepared!
FRANKEN, the SENATORS, and MISS BETSYform a second schoolhouse tableau, with MISS BETSY at center in the dunce cap.
MISS BETSY I was undercoached!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Thank you, Senator Franken.
The tableau breaks up.
PUPPET MURRAY
Mr. Chairman! 66
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Oh, what do you want?
PUPPET MURRAY
I think this is a good reason for us to have more questions.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Golden rule!
PUPPET MURRAY
I want to put in the record that Michael Leavitt had two rounds of questions.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Michael Leavitt was never the Education secretary!
PUPPET MURRAY
Rod Paige, under President Bush, had ten-minute rounds. There is other precedent.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
I am trying to be fair by treating Miss Betsy in the same way we treated both of President Obama' s Education nominees. We will apply the same rules to Secretary DeVos ... uh ... that is ... I meant. .. 67
PUPPET MURRAY
WHATDID YOU JUST SAY?
PUPPET ALEXANDER and PUPPET MURRAY box.
Winded, they resume their duties. 68
SCENE 10: Utah Values (Precious Few)
Projection: "Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). U.S. Senator since 1977."
HATCH
(To the audience)
I have a rough time wanting to spend billions and billions and trillions of dollars to help people who won't help themselves- won't lift a finger- and expect the federal government to do everything.
Projection: "Fun Fact: In addition to being a Senator, Orrin Hatch works as a songwriter. He even contributed to the lullaby 'Little Angel ofMine , 'from the soundtrack of the movie Stuart Little 2. "
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Going next is Senator Hatch.
Soft lighting. MISS BETSY waits expectantly for HATCH to ask a question, or to involve her in some way. Instead, HATCH sings the following as a lullaby/slow jam.
HATCH
Precious few,
Oh precious few
Precious few, 69
HATCH
(Cont.)
Oh precious few
There's precious few
Who measure up
To all that you have done
And precious few
Know how you toil
For kids' education
But that's not me
No
I've got my eye ... on ... you
I applaud your commitment
To Utah values
Utah values
Oh, Utah values
Utah values
Oh, Utah values 70
HATCH
(Cont.)
You're a reformer
A champion of truth
You know those closest to our children
Will know what's best to do
And IIIIII believe
In the benefit of doubt
That school choice doesn't mean
That public schools are out
When we work together
We 're all that we can be
And I know together
We'll make sound policy
Policy
Oh, policy
Policy
Oh, policy 71
HATCH
(Cont.)
You've been courteous
To everyone, right here in this room
And I just hope my colleagues
Will be courteous to you
I know that you will make us Great
With all the work you' ll do
You're willing to carry the heavy load
You're one of precious few
Precious few,
Oh precious few
Precious few,
Oh precious few
Everyone except MISS BETSY is asleep.
HATCH
Thank you. 72
PUPPET MURRAY wakes. She pokes PUPPET ALEXANDER.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
(Groggy)
Thank you. Senator Hatch.
The SENATORS wake and applaud lightly. 73
SCENE 11: That's a Lot to Juggle!
Projection: "Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts). U.S. Senator since 2013. "
From out of nowhere, MCCONNELL swoops in.
SENATOR #1 as MCCONNELL (To the audience) She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.
Projection: "Fun Fact: During Jeff Sessions' confirmation hearing, Elizabeth Warren attempted to read from a letter by the late Corella Scott King criticizing Sessions for his 'hostility ' to the Voting Rights Act. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell interrupted Warren and blocked her from speaking for the rest of the hearing, claiming she had violated a rarely invoked Senate rule. "
WARREN shoos MCCONNELL away.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Warren?
Beat. WARREN, like MISS BETSY, is wearing a purple blazer. It 's a little awkward, but neither woman is willing to admit that. 74
A juggling act.
WARREN
Miss Betsy, many of my Democratic colleagues have pointed out your lack of experience in K -12 public schools, but I'd like to ask you about your qualifications for leading the nation on higher education. The Department of Education is in charge of making sure that the 150 billion dollars that we invest in students each year gets into the right hands. The Secretary of Education is essentially responsible for managing a trillion dollar student loan bank and distributing 30 billion dollars in Pell Grants to students each year. The financial futures of an entire generation of young people depend on your department getting that right. Miss Betsy, do you have any direct experience in running a bank?
WARREN throws MISS BETSY the first ball. MISS BETSY catches it. MISS BETSY starts throwing the first ball from hand to hand, warming up.
MISS BETSY
Senator, I do not.
WARREN
Have you ever managed or overseen a trillion dollar loan program?
MISS BETSY
I have not.
WARREN
How about a billion dollar loan program? 75
MISS BETSY
I have not.
WARREN
Okay, so no experience managing a program like this. How about participating in one?
WARREN throws MISS BETSY the second ball. MISS BETSY starts to juggle the two balls.
WARREN
I think it's important for the person who is in charge of our financial aid programs to understand what it's like for students and their families who are struggling to pay for college. Miss Betsy, have you ever taken out a student loan?
MISS BETSY
I have not.
WARREN
Have any of your children had to borrow money in order to go to college?
MISS BETSY
They have been fortunate not to. 76
WARREN
Have you had any personal experience with the Pell grant?
MISS BETSY
Not personal experience, but certainly friends and students with whom I have worked.
WARREN
So you have no personal experience with college financial aid or management of higher education. Then let's start with the basics. Do you support protecting federal taxpayer dollars from waste, fraud, and abuse?
WARREN throws MISS BETSY the third ball. MISS BETSY catches it neatly and starts to juggle all three. Light applause from the SENATORS
MISS BETSY
Absolutely.
WARREN
Good, so do I. Now we all know that President-Elect Trump's experience with higher education was to create a fake university which resulted in his paying 25 million dollars to students that he cheated. So I'm curious about how the Trump administration would protect against waste, fraud, and abuse at similar for-profit colleges. How do you plan to protect taxpayer dollars from waste, fraud, and abuse by colleges that take in millions of dollars in federal student aid? 77
WARREN throws MISS BETSY the fourth ball. She juggles. More spirited applause from the SENATORS.
MISS BETSY
Senator, if confirmed I will certainly be very vigilant.
WARREN
How? How are you gonna do that?
MISS BETSY
The individuals with whom I work in the department will ensure that federal moneys are used properly and appropriately. I will look forward I
WARREN
You're gonna subcontract making sure that what happened with universities that cheat students doesn't happen anymore?
MISS BETSY
No, I didn't I
MISS BETSY drops the fourth ball. She continues to juggle the remaining three. 78
WARREN
You're gonna give that to someone else to do? I just want to know what your ideas are.
MISS BETSY
If confirmed, I will work diligently to ensure that we are addressing any of those issues.
WARREN
Well, let me make a suggestion on this. It actually turns out that there are a whole group of rules that are already written and are there, and all you have to do is enforce them.
MISS BETSY
Senator, I will commit to ensuring that institutions which receive federal funds are actually serving their students well.
WARREN
So you will enforce the gainful employment rule to make sure that these career colleges are not cheating students?
MISS BETSY drops the third ball. She continues to juggle the remaining two.
MISS BETSY
We will certainly review that rule. 79
WARREN
You'll review it? You will not commit to enforce it?
MISS BETSY
And see that it is actually achieving what the intentions are.
MISS BETSY drops the second ball. She can't really juggle with only one. She lamely tosses the single ball from hand to hand.
WARREN
I don't understand about reviewing it. There are already rules in place, and I don't understand how you can not be sure about enforcing them. You know, swindlers and crooks are out there doing back flips when they hear an answer like this.
Ifanyone can do a back flip, that would be so nice!
WARREN
If confirmed, you will be the cop on the beat. And if you can't commit to use the tools that are already available to you in the Department of Education, then I don't see how you can be the Secretary of Education.
WARREN takes the first ball from MISS BETSY, leaving her with none. WARREN unceremoniously returns to her seat. 80
MISS BETSY isn 't quite sure what to do. She collects the other fallen balls. She takes a little bow. Light applause.
The school bell rings. Transition. 81
SCENE 12: Michigan, a New School
Projection: "2004."
The first day ofschool. TIARA is now a fourth grader at a private Christian elementary school. MISS BETSY waits for her.
TIARA enters. She wears a school uniform. She has been crying
MISS BETSY
Tiara! Why are you crying?
TIARA
I'm not.
MISS BETSY
Your eyes are red.
TIARA
I was just itching.
MISS BETSY
Tiara, what do I always say? 82
TIARA
That I can tell you anything ...
MISS BETSY
What's wrong?
TIARA
I don't like this school, Miss Betsy! I wanna go back to my old school!
MISS BETSY
Your mommy told me you were so excited for your first day.
TIARA
No. I don't like it here.
MISS BETSY
Why not?
TIARA
I don't know anybody.
MISS BETSY
You'll make new friends. 83
TIARA
I don't want new friends, I want my old friends. Please, Miss Betsy, can I go back to my old school?
MISS BETSY
Tiara, this is a really good school, a much better school than Coleman. Your mommy is so happy for you to go here, and I' m so happy I could help. I know you might not understand right now, but someday you're going to realize that school is not all about who your friends are and what they' re doing. It's about you. Having a choice. A chance to reach your dreams.
TIARA
Can't I reach my dreams with my old friends?
Beat.
MISS BETSY
Tiara.
TIARA
Could Destiny come here too?
MISS BETSY
Oh. Well ... 84
TIARA
Destiny helps me a lot. She' s smart. She would do a good job. Teachers like he.r.
MISS BETSY
Tiara ...
TIARA
If Destiny was at this school, and Natalia, and Kim and Rasheeda, then I wouldn't be sad and they could go to a better school, too, and we could all make new friends and all reach our dreams.
MISS BETSY
That' s ...
TIARA
You can help them, too! Can't you, Miss Betsy?
Awkward beat.
The school bell rings. Transition. 85
SCENE 13: Miss Likely to Succeed
Projection: "Senator Rand Paul (R Kentucky). U.S. Senator since 2011. "
PAUL
(To the audience)
This whole sort of "war on women" thing, I'm scratching my head because if there was a war on women, I think they won. In fact, I worry about our young men sometimes because I think the women really are out-competing the men in our world.
Projection: "Fun Fact: In 2013, Rand Paul introduced the Life at Conception Act. The bill would ban abortion and apply the equal protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to unborn fetuses, granting them 'personhood' status. Paul has since reintroduced the bill two times. "
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Paul.
PAUL speaks into a microphone.
PAUL
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to "Miss Likely to Succeed"! 86
Beauty pageant music. A huge "Miss Likely to Succeed" banner is unfurled.
PAUL
I have traveled to a lot of schools and have been amazed at some of the schools. Just amazing success stories. And I think we need to think about the kids. Don't you think it's about time we think about the kids, everybody?
SENATORS #1 and #4 applaud.
PAUL
Now, Miss Betsy. I understand you have brought with you some very special guests, some special kids.
MISS BETSY
That's right.
PAUL
Let's meet our contestants!
NYDIA and DENISHA enter. They wear beautiful (modest) dresses. They smile like beauty queens. NYDIA carries an instrument case (perhaps a trumpet or violin). DENJSHA carries notes for a speech. SENATORS #1 and #4 applaud. 87
PAUL
Contestant Number One ... (mispronounced) Nydia Salazar!
NYDIA It's I Nydia
PAUL
Tell us about young Nydia, Miss Betsy.
Under the following, NYDIA smiles, waves at the crowd, nods, etc.
MISS BETSY
Nydia Salazar is an eighteen-year-old freshman at Grand Canyon University in Arizona. She was born in Peru. Nydia's mother Maria immigrated to the U.S. with her daughter when she was very little, because she knew that Nydia would have a much greater opportunity to succeed and thrive here. As a single mother, Maria often worked as many as three jobs. But she made a deal with her young daughter- she would work as hard as she needed to, and Nydia would study just as hard. And study hard she did! Nydia received a tax credit scholarship to attend St. Mary' s High School in Phoenix, where she had the opportunity to enroll in rigorous, demanding courses. In the future, she hopes to become a lawyer.
NYDIA starts to open her instrument case.
NYDIA
Thank you so much for the introduction. I'd like I to 88
PAUL
Let's have a round of applause for Contestant Number One!
Applause from SENATORS #1 and #4. NYDIA, confused, closes her instrument case. She returns to her place.
PAUL
Not so fast folks, not so fast. This wouldn't be a competition without competition, would it? Let's meet Contestant Number Two ... (mispronounced) Denisha Merriweather!
DENISHA De I neesha
PAUL
Miss Betsy, what can you tell us about Denisha?
Under the following, DENISHA smiles, waves at the crowd, nods, etc.
MISS BETSY
Denisha Merriweather, who I have gotten to know the last few years, is a 26-year-old graduate ofthe University ofWest Florida. Like Nydia, she was a recipient of a tax credit scholarship program in her home state. Denisha will tell you very promptly that she had a very troubled early childhood. I think she was kicked out multiple times before her godmother finally found a school that was going to work for her, and the transformation was just ... almost overnight. Denisha is the first in her family to have graduated from high school, she's now graduated college, and in May she's going to get her masters degree. 89
DENISHA consults her notes.
DENISHA
Thank you, Mrs. DeVos. I want to start by I saying
PAUL
Let's hear it for Contestant Number Two!
Applause from SENATORS #1 and #4. DENISHA, also confused, returns to her place.
PAUL
This is going to be a close one, folks! Hmmm ...
Beauty pageant music. PAUL consults with PUPPET ALEXANDER. They whisper, then look at NYDIA. Whisper, then look at DENISHA. Whisper, then look at MISS BETSY PAUL motions for silence.
PAUL
We are ready to announce a winner! Who will become Miss Likely to Succeed? Drumroll please ... 90
Drumroll.
PAUL
And the winner ... this year's Miss Likely to Succeed ... is ...
PAUL takes a long pause.
PAUL
Miss Betsy! ! !
Beauty pageant music. SENATOR #1 hands PAUL the crown and sash. NYDIA and DENISHA look disappointed, but they clap politely for MISS BETSY PAUL crowns MISS BETSY and puts the sash on her. The sash reads "Madam Secretary. "
PUPPET MURRAY
Point of order!
The music stops abruptly. NYDIA and DENISHA exit (they will reenter as SENATORS #2 and #3).
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Thank you, Senator Paul. 91
PAUL, annoyed that his dramatic moment was interrupted, takes his seat.
PUPPET MURRAY
Point of order, Mr. Chairman!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
What now?
PUPPET MURRAY
There is other precedent for more questions!
Under PUPPET MURRAY'S list, PUPPET ALEXANDER mugs to the audience.
PUPPET MURRAY
Andrew Von Eschenbach, President Bush's third FDA commissioner, three members participated in the second round of questions. Tom Daschle, President Obama's nominee to be Secretary of Health and Human Services, four members participated in the second round. Hilda Solis, President Obama's first Secretary of Labor, three members participated in the second round of questions, and the hearing was actually over four hours. For Alexis Herman, President Clinton's second Secretary of Labor, we had ten minute rounds of questioning and the hearing lasted three and a half hours. I already mentioned Michael Leavitt and Rod Paige. I would like to enter these transcripts that I have ... 92
PUPPET MURRAY (with assistance from one ofthe Democratic SENATORS) produces a huge stack ofpapers .
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Huh?
PUPPET MURRAY
... showing the actual precedent of this committee into the record.
PUPPET MURRAY (with assistance from one of the Democratic SENATORS) hands PUPPET ALEXANDER the transcripts.
PUPPET ALEXANDER (with assistance from one of the Republican SENATORS) gobbles them up.
PUPPET MURRAY
Hey!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
(With his mouth full)
What transcripts? 93
PUPPET ALEXANDER and PUPPET MURRAY box.
Winded, they resume their duties. 94
SCENE 14: Read My Lips
Projection: "Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine). US Senator since 1997. "
COLLINS (To the audience) I have to do what I think is right. I have to do what I think is right for the people of Maine, and the people of this country.
Projection: "Fun Fact: On July 28, 2017, Susan Collins broke with her party to vote against the "skinny " repeal of the Affordable Care Act. It was Collins' third "no" vote that week on bills designed to do away with Obamacare. Five months later, Collins voted with her party to pass the Republican tax plan, which repealed Obamacare 's individual mandate."
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Collins.
Music. A ventriloquist act: MISS BETSY is the dummy. Throughout the following, MISS BETSY will lip sync along with COLLINS'S voice where indicated.
Note: Bad ventriloquism will work in this scene, maybe even better than good ventriloquism. 95
COLLINS
Good evening, everyone!
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
Hi there!
Sound effect: canned applause.
COLLINS
Are you ready to get started, Miss Betsy?
COLLINS' S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
· Ready as I'll ever be!
Sound effect: laugh track.
COLLINS
Well, first of all, Miss Betsy, let me say that I have no doubt you care deeply about the education of all children.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
I do! 96
COLLINS
And I say that despite the fact that you and I do not agree on all the issues.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
You're such a reasonable and level-headed politician.
Sound effect: "Awwwww. "
COLLINS
Why, thank you!
MISS BETSY
(Using her own voice)
You're welcome.
Beat.
COLLINS
Ahem. I would like to move on to some questions about how you view the federal role in education versus the state role.
MISS BETSY rubs her hands together, getting ready. Laugh track. 97
COLLINS
At what level of government do you believe that decisions about charter schools and vouchers should be made? Is that a federal role, or is that a state role?
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
I absolutely support the fact that it is a state role and state decision what kind of offering there might be with regards to choices in education. To suggest that the right answer for Maine is the right answer for Indiana or any other state is just not right!
Sound effect: canned applause.
COLLINS
Well said! Here' s another question.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
Oh boy ...
MISS BETSY dabs at her brow with a handkerchief Laugh track.
COLLINS
I have heard repeatedly from school officials that the single most important action that the federal government could take would be to fulfill the promise of the 197 5 "Individuals with Disabilities Education Act," to fund forty percent of the additional cost of educating every special needs child. 98
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
Right. ..
COLLINS
It has been many years since that law was passed, and we have never come close to that forty percent.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
Oh dear ...
COLLINS
Would you commit to taking a look at the funding of the department to see if we could do a better job of moving towards fulfillment of that promise?
COLLINS' S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
Let me think ...
COLLINS
That is an action that would help every single school district in this country.
MISS BETSY
(Using her own voice)
I actually think this is an area that could be considered for an approach that would be somewhat different. .. 99
COLLINS
What?
MISS BETSY
... and that maybe the money should follow individual students instead of going directly to the states!
PUPPET MURRAY
(Interjecting)
Wait, the states?
COLLINS
Miss Betsy, I think what you meant to say was I
PUPPET MURRAY
Did she say "the states"?
PUPPET ALEXANDER shushes . PUPPET MURRAY
MISS BETSY
But. .. 100
MISS BETSY looks to COLLINS for help.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
I think that is something we could discuss. And I would look forward to talking about that with the members of this committee!
Sound effect: canned applause.
COLLINS
Very good. Ahem. Another of my concerns is the low rate of college completion.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
That's very bad!
COLLINS
There's nothing worse than a student being saddled with educational debt and not earning the degree that would enable them to pay off that debt.
MISS BETSY
(Using her own voice)
Well. ..
COLLINS
Miss Betsy! 101
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
Yes?
Beat.
COLLINS
As I was saying, I'm a strong supporter of the federal TRiO Program which helps prepare students for higher education, particularly children who come from families without experience in higher education. Do you have any thoughts on how we can ensure that students are able to complete their degrees?
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
I do think we can do a better job with preparing students, and I know the TRiO Program helps students that might not otherwise have an opportunity.
COLLINS
Great! Now I
MISS BETSY
(Using her own voice)
And I think that's a very important and valid program to look at for, perhaps, urn, is there another and more effective way to advance that, or, urn, to replicate that? Or use that in a new way to help increase the participation of students that may not otherwise pursue higher education and complete it! 102
Beat. COLLINS and MISS BETSY whisper to one another. Perhaps we hear COLLINS say, "We rehearsed this! "
COLLINS
Ahem. Isn't she a hoot?
Tepid laughter from the SENATORS.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
I love Maine!
Sound effect: crickets.
Music.
COLLINS
Well, it looks like that's all the time we have for tonight! Let's hear another round of applause for Miss Betsy!
Sound effect: canned applause.
COLLINS'S VOICE (as MISS BETSY)
I'm no dummy!
Sound effect: laugh track, canned applause. 103
MISS BETSY and COLLINS bow. COLLINS doesn't look thrilled. They whisper to one another as they take their places.
PUPPET MURRAY Point of order!
PUPPET ALEXANDER Come on. What do you want from me?
PUPPET MURRAY Mr. Chairman, I have questions that I know all of our committees want to follow up on, including on the response I just heard on the "Individuals with Disabilities Education Act" and a number of other questions. I am really disappointed that you have preemptively cut off our members from asking questions.
PUPPET ALEXANDER What you're asking me to do is to treat Miss Betsy differently than we treated President Obama's two education secretaries ...
PUPPET MURRAY I don't know what you're trying to protect Miss Betsy from!
PUPPET ALEXANDER I've tried to be as fair as I can, in following what I believe to be the golden rule ...
PUPPET MURRAY She should get robust scrutiny. She's gonna oversee the education of all of our kids!
PUPPET ALEXANDER We 've gone for nearly three hours in an extensive hearing ...
PUPPET MURRAY What are you trying to protect her from? What does she need protection from?
PUPPET ALEXANDER and PUPPET MURRAY box.
Winded, they resume their duties. 104
SCENE 15: Ability
Projection: "Senator Maggie Hassan (D-New Hampshire). U.S. Senator since 20I7."
HASSAN (To the audience) I think all of us here share a commitment to public education and understand the essential nature, uhh ... to our democracy.
Projection: "Fun Fact: In a 2014 profile ofthen-Governor Maggie Hassan, journalist Molly Ball observed: 'Hassan is not the world's most electrifying politician. '"
HASSAN (To the audience) Our job is not just to talk about ideas, but actually to drill down to how things actually work in practice.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Hassan.
Light, atmospheric music. A lighting shift. Though HASSAN and MISS BETSY can be heard very clearly, they stand a little bit out of the light. Down and center stage, a PHYSICAL PERFORMER or PHYSICAL PERFORMERS enter and begin their performances. 105
The dialogue rolls on, but the PHYSICAL PERFORMER(S) steal the scene.
HASSAN
Miss Betsy, I want to talk about one of those situations you began to touch on in my office when we met. And it echoes a little bit of what Senator Collins was talking about in terms of full commitment to our students with disabilities. My son, Ben, experiences very severe physical disabilities, he has cerebral palsy. He can't speak, he can't use his fingers for a keyboard, he doesn't walk, but he 's smart and the best kid on earth, ifl do say so myself. He got a quality public education at our local school. And the reason he got that was because countless advocates and champions, before the Hassan family, worked so hard to make sure he had the right to that education. And I am concerned that when students who experience disabilities receive a publicly funded voucher to attend a private school, they often don't receive adequate resources, and, in some cases, have to sign over their legal rights. So , do you think that families should have a recourse in the courts if their child' s education does not adequately meet their needs?
MISS BETSY
Thank you, Senator, for that question. Let me begin by saying I appreciate and am thankful that you had the opportunity with your son Ben, to find the right setting for him. And I would advocate that all parents should be able to have that opportunity to choose the right school /
HASSAN
Actually, I had the opportunity to send him to the same public school that my daughter went to. Because the law required that that school provide him resources that were never provided before the law was passed, because they're hard. And so the question is, will you enforce the law with regard to kids with disabilities if a voucher program did allow them to go someplace else? And the school said, "No, it' s just too expensive, we don't want to do it,"? 106
MISS BETSY
I think that there are great examples of programs that are already underway in states, urn, Ohio has a great program and in fact, Sam and his mom are here today, beneficiary of the John Peterson Special Needs Scholarship I Program
HASSAN
Excuse me for interrupting. But what I am asking you is, there is at least one voucher program in Florida, the McKay voucher program, which makes students sign away their rights before they can get that voucher. I think that is fundamentally wrong, and I think it will mean that students with disabilities cannot use a voucher system that a department under your leadership might start. So I want to know whether you will make sure that children with disabilities do not have to sign away their legal rights in order to get a voucher.
MISS BETSY
Well, I would love to comment on the McKay scholarship program where 93 percent of the parents utilizing that voucher are very, very pleased with it I as opposed to 30 percent
HASSAN
And I'm sorry, but that isn't the question I asked. I really do wish we had a second round. There is a lot here that is critical to our children, especially with disabilities. And with all due respect, Miss Betsy has not answered my question. But I want to go back to the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. That's a federal civil rights law. So do you stand by the statement you made to Senator Collins a few minutes ago - that it should be up to the states whether to follow it?
MISS BETSY
The law ... Federal law must be followed where federal dollars are in play. 107
HASSAN
So were you unaware, when I just asked you about the I.D.E.A., that it was a federal law?
MISS BETSY
I may have confused it.
HASSAN
It guarantees absolutely basic protections to students with disabilities to ensure that they are afforded a high-quality education with their peers. One of the reasons that it is difficult to have this hearing and fully understand your perspective is because we do know that children with disabilities in at least some of the voucher programs that you have supported have gone with a voucher to a new school and, because of their disability, had to leave the school. The school keeps the money, and they go back to public schools that now have even less resources to deal with them. And many of us see this as a potential for turning our public schools into warehouses, for the most challenging kids with disabilities, or the kids whose parents can't afford to make up the difference between the voucher and the cost of private school tuition. So I would urge you to become familiar with the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. And I have to say I'm concerned that you seem so unfamiliar with it. That' s very troubling to me.
MISS BETSY
Senator, I assure you that if confirmed, I will be very sensitive to the needs of special needs students and the policies, uh, surrounding that. 108
HASSAN
With all due respect, it's not about sensitivity. Although that helps. It's about being willing to enforce the law to make sure that my child and every child has the same access to high-quality public education.
The PHYSICAL PERFORMER(S) conclude their performance. Applause.
HASSAN shakes hands with each PHYSICALPERFORMER. The PHYSICAL PERFORMER(S) take a bow.
The school bell rings. Transition. 109
SCENE 16: Michigan, a Job (of Sorts)
Projection: "2007. "
A cafe in downtown Grand Rapids. TIARA and MISS BETSY drink hot chocolate. TIARA is now in middle school. She wears a new school uniform. We catch her in the middle ofsomething.
TIARA
... and Megan is good but she's just not as good as me, everyone says so, which is how come I knew Elizabeth was totally wrong and I finally found out and I did it! I made captain!
MISS BETSY
Congratulations, Tiara! Your mom must be so excited.
TIARA
Pssh. Mami doesn't care about soccer. All she cares about is my grades. Plus, it's not like she can really go to the games.
MISS BETSY
How are your grades?
TIARA
Good, thanks to you. 110
MISS BETSY
Oh, well /
TIARA
For real, Miss Betsy. You've helped me so much.
MISS BETSY
That's all I want. To help in any way I can.
TIARA
... Any way?
MISS BETSY laughs.
MISS BETSY
Oh dear.
TIARA
You've gotta talk to my mom for me.
MISS BETSY
What's this about? 111
TIARA
I wanna get a job.
MISS BETSY
And your mom says no?
TIARA
She always says I have to focus on my schoolwork only I
MISS BETSY
That' s good advice I
TIARA
But I'm doing really good in school!
MISS BETSY
Well. ..
TIARA
And Destiny has a job after school, and she still keeps up with her homework and gets straight As like always, plus now she can help her mom out with bills and stuff. 112
MISS BETSY
How is Destiny?
TIARA
She's okay. She's annoyed because Farmer cut the Art teacher.
MISS BETSY
Farmer, that's her school?
TIARA
Can you believe it? How could they cut Art? I probably would have gone crazy without Miss Gonzalez's class back at Coleman. Art was my only A.
MISS BETSY
I remember. You've come a long way.
TIARA
Yeah. It's sad though, right?
MISS BETSY
Yes.
Beat. 113
MISS BETSY
What were you saying about a job?
TIARA
Oh yeah! Miss Betsy, I'm fourteen now. My mom is being unreasonable! Ifl had a job, I could help her out like Destiny does her mom.
MISS BETSY
And that's all you want? To help your mom?
TIARA smiles.
TIARA
Okay, true. It wouldn't be so bad to have a little bit of my own money. Then I could buy you hot chocolate.
MISS BETSY laughs.
TIARA
Please, will you talk to her for me, please Miss Betsy?
MISS BETSY
Well, hold on. I happen to agree with your mother. 114
TIARA
What??
MISS BETSY
Schoolwork should be your top priority.
TIARA
It is!
MISS BETSY
But, what about this summer? Maybe you could work for me.
TIARA
Yeah?
MISS BETSY
Dick and I could always use another hand on our house detail. Maybe you could help out a little bit.
TIARA
Like cleaning and stuff? 115
MISS BETSY
Keeping everything as it should be.
TIARA
Okay ... I could do that! I really want to work, Miss Betsy. I really do.
The school bell rings. Transition. 116
SCENE 17: Connecticut
Projection: "Senator Chris Murphy (D-Connecticut). U.S Senator since 2013."
MURPHY
(To the audience)
Your "thoughts" should be about steps to take to stop this carnage. Your "prayers" should be for forgiveness if you do nothing - again.
Projection: "Fun Fact: Before being elected to the Senate, Chris Murphy represented Connecticut 's 5th district, which includes the city of Newtown. Murphy assumed his current office three weeks after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. "
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Murphy.
Very abrupt light shift. The vaudeville style is suddenly drained from the stage. No music. No color. No spectacle.
Projection: a timer counts down from 5 minutes. 117
MURPHY
I wish Senator Alexander had decided to allow us more than a meager five minutes of questions. I think this is a real shame. This rush job. I think it suggests that this committee is trying to protect this nominee from scrutiny, and I hope that we would reconsider.
Beat.
MURPHY
Mrs. DeVos, your family has been investors in a company called K12, it' s a for-profit online charter operator. It gets about 80 percent of its money from taxpayers, and it paid its CEO over a million dollars in the first year. I could go through a long litany of examples in which people have made their fortune off of public education dollars - a charter school principal in Orlando who got a 519 thousand dollar payout when her school was closed for poor performance ... I guess my question is simple: do you support companies and individuals profiting from public education dollars that is essentially taking money away from students?
MISS BETSY
Senator, thank you for that question. Let me just say that when it comes to education, I think what' s important is what the outcomes are. And I don't think the delivery mechanism is the issue as much as it is our students receiving the benefit of a great education.
MURPHY
Have you met many principals in Detroit that say that they have enough? That they don't need more? 118
MISS BETSY
I can't really answer that question, I haven't asked them specifically if they have enough.
MURPHY
So if we can't agree that folks shouldn't get rich off of schools, then maybe we can agree that they shouldn't be getting rich off of terrible schools. The Department of Education has issued final accountability regulations that incorporate comments of basically everyone in the education field to make sure that to the extent public dollars are flowing to public schools, that they meet real standards. These regulations are supported by the Council of Chief State School Officers, the School Superintendents Association, civil rights groups, teachers unions ... Are you going to implement those accountability regulations?
MISS BETSY
I think accountability is highly important. I support accountability for all schools. And I will continue to support accountability, and I will continue to support the implementation ofthe Every Student Succeeds Act as Congress has intended it.
MURPHY
So let me just ask you again, are you going to support the implementation of the existing regulations that require schools to come up with their own accountability standards, state and local based, that will require that all schools meet some basic performance standards? I'm asking you a specific question about this existing regulation and whether you're going to support it, or whether you're going to use your position to undermine it or to change it.
MISS BETSY
Well, as would be tradition with a change of administrations, I will look forward to reviewing that. 119
MURPHY
I think that's going to raise a lot of questions for administrators and school superintendents who are now trying to implement those regulations. One final question. Do you think that guns have any place in or around schools?
Beat.
MISS BETSY
I think that's best left to locales and states to decide. If the underlying question is ...
MURPHY
You can't say definitively today that guns shouldn't be in schools?
MISS BETSY
Well, I will refer back to Senator Enzi and the school he was talking about in Wapiti, Wyoming. I think probably there, I would imagine that there's probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.
Beat.
The timer goes off The 5 minutes are up.
MURPHY
I look forward to working with you. But I also look forward to you coming to Connecticut and talking about the role of guns in schools. 120
The school bell rings. Transition. 121
SCENE 18: Michigan, a Change
Projection: "2008. "
An empty classroom. It is TIARA 'S final year of middle school. MISS BETSY and TIARA are poring over a number ofbrochures for private high schools. TIARA picks one up.
TIARA
I like this one.
MISS BETSY
That's a very good school.
TIARA
They have a soccer team.
MISS BETSY
Yes.
TIARA
And I like what it says about the ... ratio ... 122
MISS BETSY
The student-teacher ratio. That means how many kids for every teacher.
TIARA
That's important.
MISS BETSY
I agree.
MISS BETSY slides TIARA one ofthe fliers.
MISS BETSY
I think this could be a good choice for you.
TIARA looks at the flier.
TIARA
I like that it's a Christian school.
MISS BETSY
Good ... 123
TIARA
It's kinda far, though.
MISS BETSY
Don't let that stop you. What' s a little bus ride compared to the value of a good education?
TIARA
True.
TIARA continues to flip through fliers.
TIARA
They're closing Coleman, did you know that?
MISS BETSY
Yes.
TIARA
It's pretty sad.
MISS BETSY
For who? 124
TIARA
Well, like, a lot of the kids in my neighborhood go there. And their little brothers and sisters. Destiny's sister is there now, she' s going to have to change schools.
MISS BETSY
Well, now they can choose a better school. One that's doing a better job serving students. Just like you did, Tiara.
TIARA
Yeah, that's true ... But. It was kinda different for me, because you were there to help me. And Coleman was still there. These kids don't really have a choice, you know? Because Coleman is just gonna be gone. Forever.
MISS BETSY
Tiara, I want you to listen to me. I think it' s very nice that you care about your old school, and that you care about those kids in your neighborhood. But a bad school doesn't help anybody. If Coleman wasn't a good school, why should it get to continue on?
TIARA
I guess .... It' s just, like, I think about all those little kids. And they're gonna get all scattered everywhere.
Beat. 125
TIARA
It's just kinda sad, that's all.
The school bell rings. Transition. 126
SCENE 19: A Low Bar
Projection: "Senator Bill Cassidy (R-Louisiana). US. Senator since 2015."
CASSIDY
(To the audience)
Why would I go back in? So that he can mischaracterize what I say and later call Chuck Schumer and get Chuck Schumer's take on what I said?
Projection: "Fun Fact: On May 5, 2017, Bill Cassidy coined the phrase 'Jimmy Kimmel Test. ' The test refers to health insurance legislation that covers people born with pre-existing conditions (like Kimmel 's infant son). The two men later discussed the issue on Kimmel 's late-night TV show. In September, Cassidy introduced a health care bill that did not pass the 'Jimmy Kimmel Test. ' Kimmel responded by -saying Cassidy 'lied right to my face. '"
PUPPET ALEXANDER
We go next to Senator Cassidy.
CASSIDY
Limbooo! 127
Music: "Limbo Rock" by Chubby Checker. CASSIDY and SENATOR #2 bring out the limbo pole.
CASSIDY
Miss Betsy, great to see you again. I'm really struck by the kind of... reaction your nomination has elicited. So let me just ask some questions.
CASSIDY and SENATOR #2 set the limbo pole at its starting height high enough to walk under without ducking.
CASSIDY
Do you support public education?
MISS BETSY walks under the limbo pole.
MISS BETSY
Absolutely, Senator.
CASSIDY
Man, that's amazing. Some would have us think that you do not!
CASSIDY and SENATOR #2lower the pole slightly. 128
CASSIDY
As Secretary of Education, is it your intention to undermine our nation's public education system?
MISS BETSY dances under the limbo pole.
MISS BETSY
Not at all.
CASSIDY
Well, how bout that!
CASSIDY and SENATOR #2lower the pole slightly.
CASSIDY
Do you support the rights of all children regardless of income or race to choose the school that meets their needs?
MISS BETSY dances under the limbo pole.
MISS BETSY
Absolutely. 129
CASSIDY and SENATOR #2lower the pole slightly.
CASSIDY
Just a few more. Do you support the belief that decisions affecting our children' s education are best left to the states and locals to decide?
MISS BETSY dances under the limbo pole.
MISS BETSY
I do indeed.
CASSIDY and SENATOR #2lower the pole slightly.
CASSIDY
Do you intend to mandate, direct, coerce, or control any state, local school district, or school to require school choice policies?
MISS BETSY dances under the limbo pole.
MISS BETSY
No. 130
CASSIDY
Oh my gosh!
CASSIDY chuckles to himself CASSIDY and SENATOR #2 lower the pole. It 's finally low enough to be a bit challenging.
CASSIDY
Do you view the role of the U.S. Secretary of Education as an opportunity to advance your personal education views and agenda?
MISS BETSY dances under the limbo pole, but some part of her (i.e. her hair or jacket) touches the pole.
PUPPET MURRAY
Hey!
MISS BETSY
Not mine, personally.
PUPPET MURRAY She didn't make it that time!
PUPPET ALEXANDER waves a hand to silence PUPPET MURRAY
MISS BETSY I'm going to hopefully be able to advance this President-elect's, and also the views of many many parents nationally. 131
CASSIDY That is a fair answer.
PUPPET MURRAY grumbles. CASSIDY and SENATOR #2"lower the pole.
CASSIDY
Do you believe that all children deserve to have the opportunity to receive quality education?
Drumroll. MISS BETSY prepares. She starts towards the pole, then backs off. She is puzzled. She starts again, then backs off again. Beat.
CASSIDY and SENATOR #2 do a very bad job of hiding the fact that they are raising the limbo pole a little bit.
PUPPET MURRAY (To CASSIDY) We can see you!
PUPPET ALEXANDER Shhhh!
Drumroll.
MISS BETSY dances under the limbo pole. She stands triumphantly.
MISS BETSY
Yes! 132
PUPPET ALEXANDER applauds vigorously.
CASSIDY
Wow! Now I'm glad we got that cleared up.
The school bell rings. Transition. 133
SCENE 20: Michigan, a Difference of Opinion
Projection: "2016. 1 Year Ago. "
A fancy fundraising gala. Classical music in the background. TIARA is now a senior in college. She wears her nicest outfit.
MISS BETSY enters, carrying two glasses of champagne. She offers one to TIARA.
TIARA
Is that for me??
MISS BETSY
I can't believe you're 21 years old. I remember the first day we met. ..
TIARA
Oh boy ...
MISS BETSY
Did you ever think you'd make it here? A college senior?
TIARA
No way. 134
MISS BETSY
I'm so proud of you, Tiara. My goodness. Here' s to you!
They clink glasses. They drink.
TIARA
(Simultaneous)
Miss Betsy I
MISS BETSY
(Simultaneous, re : the champagne)
Very good I
TIARA
(Simultaneous)
Sorry, I /
MISS BETSY
(Simultaneous)
Yes?
They laugh. 135
MISS BETSY
Do you like the champagne?
TIARA
It's nice.
MISS BETSY
Good.
TIARA
Miss Betsy I .. .
MISS BETSY
Tiara, you can call me Betsy.
TIARA
I know! I just can't get used to it.
MISS BETSY
You' re not a kid anymore.
TIARA
I can't get used to that either. 136
MISS BETSY
What were you going to say?
TIARA
I wanted to tell you: I've decided to go for my Master's in Social Work.
MISS BETSY
How wonderful!
TIARA
Thanks, Betsy.
TIARA makes a face.
TIARA
It just feels wrong!
They laugh.
TIARA
I' ll keep working on it. 137
MISS BETSY
Good girl. Oh Tiara, when I think about where you started ... And now, a Master' s Degree. It's just amazing.
TIARA
That's kind of what inspired me, actually. I've been so lucky, with all the help you've given me, and all the opportunities I've had. I really want to give something back to my community.
MISS BETSY
And what does your mom say?
TIARA
Oh, you know Mami ...
MISS BETSY
Very practical.
TIARA
So she wants to know how I'm going to pay for it.
MISS BETSY
Well, we' ll just see what we can do about that. 138
MISS BETSY puts a hand on her shoulder.
MISS BETSY
Call me. Okay?
TIARA
Wow. Miss Betsy. I mean, Betsy. I don't know what to say.
MISS BETSY
I'm here to help.
Beat.
MISS BETSY
And how is the rest of your family?
TIARA
They're good. Oh! Guess what? Destiny was on TV the other day.
MISS BETSY
Really? 139
TIARA
Yeah. You know, she has these strong opinions I
MISS BETSY
I'll say.
TIARA
So they're gonna close Farmer, you know, where she want to middle school?
MISS BETSY
Uh huh ...
TIARA
Destiny still has a little cousin there. And she's just had enough, you know? They say Farmer is underenrolled, but it's like, it wouldn't be underenrolled if it had the resources it needs to actually help kids.
MISS BETSY
So she was interviewed?
TIARA
No, it was at the event she organized. She' s been fighting to keep Farmer open. 140
MISS BETSY
The event?
TIARA
The protest.
Beat.
TIARA
It was over my break actually, so I got to go. She sounded so good up there. She' s really smart, you know? But can you believe she made the news??? I was so excited.
MISS BETSY
Uh huh.
TIARA
And I've been learning so much about the education system. Like, the school plays a really key role in the community, you know? It' s not just there to dump knowledge into kids' brains. Schools are a gathering place, and they have resources for parents, and all that stuff. When a school closes, the effects are really devastating.
MISS BETSY
That's why parents and kids need the right to choose the school that works for them. 141
TIARA
Yeah.
MISS BETSY
So kids can escape these failing schools and have a chance. Like you did.
TIARA
But we also need to make the schools better.
MISS BETSY
Of course.
TIARA
It's not good if all the money is sucked but of public schools I and into
MISS BETSY
Well, we shouldn't focus on what word comes before "school." We should focus on the individual kids that they are intended to serve. We need to get away from all this talk about buildings or systems or schools and think about individual students.
TIARA
I don't know ... I mean, not every kid can have what you gave me. There's gotta be a good system to support the majority of kids. 142
Awkward beat.
TIARA
Did I say something wrong?
MISS BETSY
Not at all.
Awkward beat.
TIARA
Betsy?
MISS BETSY
Excuse me.
MISS BETSY turns her back on TIARA.
The school bell rings. Transition. 143
SCENE 21: Take Me Out
Projection: "Senator Pat Roberts (R Kansas). U.S. Senator since i997. "
ROBERTS (To the audience) Every time I get an opponent- I mean, every time I get a chance, I'm home.
Projection: "Fun Fact: in 20i4, during his most recent primary race, Pat Roberts faced criticism when he admitted that he did not own a home in his home state, and that the house he lists as his voting address belongs to two donors. Roberts won the election with 48% ofthe vote. it was the first time he received less than 75% in a Republican primary. "
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Senator Roberts?
Music: "Take Me Out to the Ball Game. " The Federal Regulations Home Run Derby!
ROBERTS wheels in a cart containing 34 lightweight blue foam balls. The balls are numbered i-34. ROBERTS and MISS BETSY put on jerseys that read "Federal Regulations Home Run Derby. " Perhaps there are peanuts and/or Cracker Jacks. 144
ROBERTS
Miss Betsy, I held a roundtable discussion in Kansas with twelve college presidents to discuss higher education. In particular, I heard about the impact of federal regulations.
ROBERTS indicates the cart full of blue balls.
ROBERTS
These are 34 areas of federal regulation. The collective judgment was that they were so intrusive, so expensive, and so time-consuming, that they had to get a special office of compliance just to look at them.
ROBERTS tries to get the audience to "boo " the regulations. PUPPET ALEXANDER and SENATOR #2 boo loudly.
ROBERTS
We need to work together to eliminate many of these burdensome regulations that hinder the institutions of higher education's main goal: to educate our students!
ROBERTS tries to get the audience to cheer the elimination of regulations. PUPPET ALEXANDER and SENATOR #2 cheer loudly.
ROBERTS
Miss Betsy. Are you ready to be a partner in addressing these time-consuming regulations? 145
MISS BETSY
You bet!
ROBERTS
PLAY BALL!
Baseball music. ROBERTS is the pitcher, MISS BETSY is at bat. SENATOR #2 keeps score on oversized cards.
Each time ROBERTS picks up a ball, he reads the ball's number before the dialogue.
ROBERTS
[Number#], the Higher Education Opportunity Act. "Transfer of credit policy," "employment placement"- did you know that this law requires disclosing the ISBN of every assigned book? It's federal government run amok! Let' s take care of business.
ROBERTS pitches the ball to MISS BETSY Depending on whether MISS BETSY hits or misses ...
ROBERTS
Full disclosure: this rule is OVER! [or} Full disclosure: I was really hoping to knock that one out.
ROBERTS picks up another ball. 146
ROBERTS
[Number#], now this is the Civil Rights Act, Title VII. And I think we can we count on our institutions to be fair in hiring and firing without all this bureaucracy. No more overreach into the free market!
ROBERTS pitches the ball to MISS BETSY Depending on whether MISS BETSY hits or misses ...
ROBERTS
"We Shall Overcome" all this red tape! [or] Darn! Well, "We Shall Overcome" next time!
SENATOR #2 can 't help himself: he takes MISS BETSY'S place at bat, handing offscore keeping to SENATOR #3.
ROBERTS Hey, looks like we've got a fresh face stepping up to the plate! Go get 'em, slugger!
PUPPET ALEXANDER claps, delighted. PUPPET MURRAY grumbles.
ROBERTS picks up another ball.
ROBERTS
[Number#], Title IX. Whoosh, that's a doozy. It's not just girls' sports, you know, this rule gets around. Batter up! 147
ROBERTS pitches the ball to SENATOR #2. Depending on whether SENATOR #2 hits or misses ...
ROBERTS
Sorry ladies! You'rrrrrrre outta there! [or} Huh, well will you look at that? The fairer sex, I guess.
SENATOR #4 pushes SENATOR #2 out ofthe way so he can take a turn at bat, too.
ROBERTS
Oh ho ho, my Democratic colleague wants a turn. Well, show me what you got, Senator!
ROBERTS picks up another ball.
ROBERTS
[Number#], [number#]- that's the Clean Water Act!
SENATOR #3 gestures to SENATOR #4 in exasperation. SENATOR #4 shrugs.
ROBERTS
Quarterly reporting, permits -let's send this rule packing, bipartisan style. 148
ROBERTS pitches the ball to SENATOR #4. Depending on whether SENATOR #4 hits or misses ...
ROBERTS
Like the flow ofthe tides, this rule is OUT! [or} Whatta waste! This rule stays.
ROBERTS picks up another ball.
ROBERTS
[Number#], the Americans with Disabilities Act. This competition is really ramping up!
SENATOR #3 gestures again. SENATOR #4 drops the bat.
ROBERTS So sensitive. Well, if you want something done right. ..
ROBERTS retrieves the bat. He hands the ball to MISS BETSY
ROBERTS
(To MISS BETSY)
Would you be so kind?
MISS BETSY pitches the ball to ROBERTS. Depending on whether ROBERTS hits or misses ... 149
ROBERTS
And it's going going gone! What a reasonable accommodation. [or} Well, that was "special." I guess the ADA rules the day.
Hubbub. SENATOR #3 tries to get SENATOR #2 to keep score so she can be done with this, but SENA TOR #2 angles for another turn at bat. SENATOR #4 takes MISS BETSY'S place as pitcher and MISS BETSY isn 't sure what to do. ROBERTS ad fibs and eggs everyone on ...
PUPPET MURRAY
Point of order!
The school bell rings. The SENATORS freeze. Only MISS BETSY is still alert. 150
SCENE 22: Michigan Calling
TIARA enters, across the stage from MISS BETSY It is later in her senior year ofcolleg e (2016). She makes a cell phone call.
Ring ring ring.
Ring ring ring.
MISS BETSY looks at her phone. She silences the call.
MISS BETSY and TIARA cross the stage.
School bell rings. TIARA makes a phone call.
Ring ring ring.
Ring ring ring.
MISS BETSY looks at her phone. She silences the call.
MISS BETSY and TIARA cross the stage.
School bell rings. TIARA makes a phone call.
Ring ring ring.
Ring ring ring.
MISS BETSY looks at her phone. She silences the call.
TIARA exits, dejected. 151
Transition. The SENATORS unfreeze. 152
SCENE 23: The Vote
PUPPET MURRAY
Point of order!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
No more points of order!
PUPPET MURRAY
We need more time! My members wouldn't be sitting here, it's 8:15 at night, they wouldn't be sitting here if they didn't have additional questions!
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Golden rule!
PUPPET MURRAY
I would like to call for a second hearing for this nominee!
SENATORS #3 and #4 clamor for more time and a second hearing. SENATORS #I and #2 mock and yell at them.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
We have to bring this to a conclusion. No more time! Golden rule! 153
PUPPET MURRAY
Is that a definitive answer?
PUPPET ALEXANDER
As definitive as I can be!
PUPPET MURRAY
Fine.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Fine.
PUPPET MURRAY
Fine!
PUPPET ALEXANDER and PUPPET MURRAY box.
Winded, they resume their duties. 154
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Thank you Miss Betsy for being here. I appreciate your being here for three hours and fifteen minutes and giving us a chance to ask you questions. You have set a record in terms of the last three education secretaries in any event. We will now commence the vote!
Dramatic light shift.
Projection: "February 7, 2017. "
Ushers distribute ballots to every audience member. Under this, audience members jill out their ballots.
A scorecard appears or is projected.
PUPPET MURRAY
Nomination, Department of Education. Elizabeth Prince DeVos to be Secretary. Majority required to confirm.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
The question occurs on the Miss Betsy nomination. I will call the roll!
As PUPPET ALEXANDER calls the roll, the four SENATORS make ridiculous quick changes to portray all twelve characters. It gets messy. Perhaps an actor at some point has to pause PUPPET ALEXANDER in order to find a jacket or other costume item. 155
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Enzi?
ENZI
Yea.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Sanders?
SANDERS
Nay.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Isakson?
ISAKSON
Yea.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Franken?
FRANKEN
Nay. 156
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Hatch?
HATCH
Yea.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Ms. Warren?
WARREN
Nay.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Paul?
PAUL
Yea.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Murphy? 157
MURPHY
Nay.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Cassidy?
CASSIDY
Yea.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Ms. Hassan?
HASSAN
Nay.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Mr. Roberts?
ROBERTS
Yea.
By now, hopefully the ushers have collected ballots from everyone in the audience. They bring the ballots 158
to the stage and make a big show of throwing them into a large bucket marked "Trash. " They exit gleefully.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Ms. Collins?
Beat.
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Ms. Collins?
COLLINS
Nay.
SENATORS #3 and #4 cheer and highfive COLLINS. SENATOR #I glares at her.
The scorecard reads 50-50.
SENATORS It's a tie?!?!?
The SENATORS shout at each other. Hubbub.
From out ofnowhere , PENCE enters. 159
PUPPET ALEXANDER
Vice President Pence???
PENCE reads the following off of an index card.
PENCE
On this vote, the yeas are 50. The nays are 50. The Senate being equally divided, the Vice President votes in the affirmative and the nomination is confirmed.
PENCE exits abruptly. Music.
Under the following stage action, this text is projected: "Fun Fact: On February 7, 2017, Vice President Mike Pence cast the 51st vote to break the 50-50 tie on the confirmation ofBetsy DeVos for Secretary ofEducation. It was the first time in U.S history that the vice president had to cast the tie-breaking vote on a Cabinet member confirmation. "
MISS BETSY smiles broadly. She shakes hands with PUPPET ALEXANDER. SENATOR #1 enthusiastically congratulates her. SENATOR #2 also congratulates her, though somewhat less enthusiastically. SENATORS #3 and #4 glower.
SENATOR #3 picks up one ofthe blue balls from the Federal 160
Regulations Home Run Derby and throws it at MISS BETSY'S head. SENATORS #3 and #4 high jive and snicker. SENATOR #1 returnsjire. Soon, all the SENATORS (including the PUPPETS) are yelling and hurling blue balls at one another.
MISS BETSY stands still in the spotlight, trying to keep the smile on her face.
Audio: static.
Blackout. 161
Interlude: Madam Secretary
Audio: flipping channels. Cable news.
Lights up, harsh. Spotlight on MISS BETSY, at center, surrounded. The SENATORS have become JOURNALISTS. They circle.
JOURNALIST # 1
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos I
JOURNALIST #2
The newly appointed Secretary of Education I
JOURNALIST #3
The embattled Secretary of Education I
JOURNALIST #4
Betsy I
JOURNALIST #1
Betsy I
JOURNALIST #2
Betsy. 162
JOURNALIST #3
Mrs. DeVos!
JOURNALIST #4
Secretary DeVos!
ALL JOURNALISTS
Madam Secretary!
Beat. All eyes on MISS BETSY She dodges.
JOURNALIST #1
Betsy DeVos announced today new grants to fund the expansion of public charter schools I
JOURNALIST #2
Secretary DeVos authorized 253 million dollars in federal grants I
JOURNALIST #3
The Secretary of Education I 163
JOURNALIST #4
Secretary DeVos I
JOURNALIST #1
DeVos Education Department withdraws campus sexual assault guidance I
JOURNALIST #2
Withdraws guidance related to protecting trans students I
JOURNALIST #3
Withdraws Obama-era guidance I
JOURNALIST #2
Protections like providing students with their choice of bathrooms I
JOURNALIST #4
Secretary DeVos!
JOURNALIST #3
Mrs. DeVos!
ALL JOURNALISTS
Madam Secretary! 164
Beat. All eyes on MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
With respect to any student that feels unsafe or discriminated against in their school, that is the last thing we want I ...
JOURNALIST #4
Betsy DeVos called HBCUs "pioneers" of "school choice" I
JOURNALIST #1
Mrs. DeVos!
JOURNALIST #4
It didn't go over well I
JOURNALIST #3
Betsy DeVos dismisses hundreds of civil rights complaints under a new protocol I
JOURNALIST #1
The changes worry civil rights groups I
JOURNALIST #3
Disability rights advocates say I 165
JOURNALIST #1
DeVos has already rescinded guidance meant to protect students against sexual assault I
JOURNALIST #4
Meant to protect Black students I
JOURNALIST #2
Meant to protect trans students I
JOURNALISTS #3 and #4
Secretary DeVos!
Beat. All eyes on MISS BETSY She dodges.
JOURNALIST #1
Betsy DeVos draws protesters most everywhere she goes.
JOURNALIST #2
Harvard
JOURNALIST #3
Denver 166
JOURNALIST #4
DC
JOURNALIST #2
Because of course!
JOURNALIST #3
And Kansas City
JOURNALIST #4
And Nebraska
JOURNALIST #2
And Baltimore
JOURNALIST #1
Most everywhere
ALL JOURNALISTS
Everywhere 167
JOURNALIST #1
And Dallas was no different.
JOURNALIST #3
Secretary DeVos!
JOURNALIST #4
Mrs. DeVos!
ALL JOURNALISTS
Madam Secretary!
Beat. All eyes on MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
I have not intentionally visited schools that are underperforming I
LESLEY STAHL
Maybe you should.
MISS BETSY
Maybe I should I 168
JOURNALIST #4
The reality is I
JOURNALIST #2
Many American schools have a problem I
JOURNALIST #4
Separate and unequal I
JOURNALIST #2
Discipline that discriminates
JOURNALIST #2 and #4 on the basis of race.
JOURNALIST #1
Secretary DeVos!
LESLEY STAHL
Have the public schools in Michigan gotten better?
JOURNALIST #4
Secretary DeVos considers rescinding guidance I 169
JOURNALIST #2
The guidance under threat of repeal /
JOURNALIST #4
The guidance was issued to address these disparities I
JOURNALIST #1
Mrs. DeVos!
LESLEY STAHL
Have the public schools in Michigan gotten better?
Beat. All eyes on MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
I don't know .. . Overall, I can't say that they have all gotten better I
JOURNALIST #1
Mrs. DeVos!
JOURNALIST #2
Mrs. DeVos! 170
ALL JOURNALISTS
Madam Secretary!
JOURNALIST #1
Tens of thousands of teachers
JOURNALIST #2
In West Virginia
JOURNALIST #3
Oklahoma
JOURNALIST #4
Kentucky
JOURNALIST #3
It really is a wildfire.
JOURNALIST #1
Tens of thousands of teachers demand more money for schools I 171
MISS BETSY
I think we need to stay focused on what's right for kids I
STONEMAN DOUGLAS STUDENT
Betsy DeVos came to my school, talked to three people, and pet a dog I
MISS BETSY
I hope that adults would keep adult disagreements in a separate place I
STONEMAN DOUGLAS STUDENT
This is in case the press tries to say something else later I
JOURNALIST #1
Mrs. DeVos!
JOURNALIST #3
Secretary DeVos!
JOURNALIST #4
Betsy!
JOURNALIST #2
Miss Betsy! 172
ALL JOURNALISTS
Madam Secretary!
Beat. All eyes on MISS BETSY
MISS BETSY
I think ... I think I'm more misunderstood than anything.
Transition. 173
FINALE: Who, Me?
Projection: " I Year Later. "
Spotlight on MISS BETSY, alone.
MISS BETSY
(Sung)
It's a birthday, of sorts
A year in my seat
Three-hundred-sixty-five chances to see
All that I oversee
And I so look forward to working,
But why, oh why
Do they criticize me?
Who, me?
I've been painted, by some
"Public School Enemy Number One"
Just because of what I believe
And not what I've done 174
A school bell rings. MISS BETSY jumps.
Beat.
MISS BETSY picks up where she left off
MISS BETSY
(Sung)
I stand for innovation,
So why, oh why
Do they criticize me?
Who, me?
You know it's hurtful when they say
I don't care for civil rights
This whole "bathroom" business:
It's a low-down, petty fight
I love my L-0-B-Qs,
So why, oh why
Do they criticize me?
Who, me? 175
MISS BETSY
(Cont.)
Congress is messing around
In that building on the Hill
They waste precious time
While I foot the bill
(Spoken, an aside)
But you know I can afford it!
Sound effect: ca-ching! MISS BETSY winks.
MISS BETSY
(Sung)
I'm no slick politician
So why, oh why
Do they criticize me?
Who, me?
Well I'll dance the dance of rhetoric
If it's what the country needs
Swap "choice" for "personalized"
And throw in "community" 176
MISS BETSY
(Cont.)
I'll fly under the radar
So I can get the means
To cure this mundane malaise
With private industry
I'm no untested dilettante
As Michigan can see
Where independent charters reign
And government recedes
I know I signed up for this,
But why, oh why
Do they criticize me?
Who, me?
(Spoken, an aside)
I mean, really. Do I look like some kind of mean, unfriendly person?
MISS BETSY speaks directly to someone in the audience. 177
MISS BETSY
Are you scared of me?
She waits for a response. If it 's "no, " she might say, "Thank you!" If it 's "yes, " she might say, "Oh, come on now ...
MISS BETSY
Boo!
MISS BETSY laughs.
MISS BETSY
(Sung)
They deliver me "report cards"
Protest my every speech
They sue me in the name of victims
(Spoken, an aside)
For whom my heart just bleeds
(Sung)
I'm a well-meaning woman
So why, oh why
Do they criticize me? 178
MISS BETSY
(Cont.)
Why, oh why
Do they protest me?
Why, oh why
Do they laugh ... at me?
Who-ooooooooooooooooh
MISS BETSY takes a big breath.
MISS BETSY
Me???
Sound effect: canned applause.
MISS BETSY takes a big, dramatic bow. She makes her exit through the house, shaking hands with people and ad fibbing. She might say things like, "Thank you so much for your support, " "!know, Congress is just terrible, aren 't they? " and "Well, it hurts me to hear that but !look forward to working with you and people like you. "
Audio: in homage to the protests at Harvard University on September 179
28, 2017, the sound ofapplause gives way to young voices chanting, "This is what white supremacy looks
like! II The voices get louder and louder until the applause is drowned out.
TIARA enters. She carries a sign. The sign reads "We <3 Public
Schools. II
MISS BETSY stares at TIARA from the back ofthe house.
The chanting dies down as TIARA steps up, as if to a microphone. Applause.
TIARA Good evening, everyone. Thank you for being here, for standing up for this community. My name is Tiara.
Music: seven note vaudeville fanfare (ba da ba ba da ba - BUM!).
End ofplay . 180
SOURCES
Throughout:
• "Education Secretary Confirmation Hearing" (transcript). CQ- Roll Call, Inc. ,
January 17, 2017.
• "Education Secretary Confirmation Hearing" (video). C-SPAN, January 17, 2017 .
www.c-span.org/video/?421224-1 /education-secretary-nominee-betsy-devos
testifies-confirmation-hearing.
• "Private Geography." This American Life from WBEZ, September 1, 2017.
www. thisamericanlife.org/624/private-geography.
Scene 4:
• Abramson, Alana. "GOP Senator Mike Enzi Apologizes After Saying 'a Guy
Who Wears a Tutu' at Bars ' Kind of Asks for It. "' TIME, April 26, 2017.
time.com/4 755122/mike-enzi-wyoming-tutu-lgbtq.
• Wendell, Bryan. "An Impressively High Number of U.S. Senators Are Eagle
Scouts." Bryan on Scouting. Boy Scouts of America, June 20, 2016.
blog.scoutingmagazine.org/20 16/06/20/impressive1y-high-number-u-s-senators
eag1e-scouts.
Scene 6:
• Collinson, Stephen. "Bernie Sanders: 'I am proud to stand with her. "' CNN, July
26, 2016. www.cnn.com/20 16/07 /25/politics/bernie-sanders-democratic-national
convention-speech. 181
• Kurtzleben, Danielle. "Here's How Many Bernie Sanders Supporters Ultimately
Voted For Trump." NPR, August 24, 2017.
www.npr.org/20 17 /08/24/545812242/1-in-1 0-sanders-primary-voters-ended-up
supporting-trump-survey-finds.
Scene 7:
• Keefe, Bob. "Isakson Apologizes for 'Unwashed' Remark." The Atlanta Journal
Constitution, June 17, 2010. www.ajc.com/news/local-govt--politics/isakson
apologizes-for-unwashed-remark/OOSFYNWy6CSNAC2TCR.xyxH.
Scene 9:
• Drago, Al. "Full Video and Transcript: Al Franken Announces Resignation from
Senate." The New York Times, December 7, 2017.
www.nytimes.com/20 17/12/07 /us/politics/video-transcript-al-franken-resignation
senate.html.
• Cooney, Samantha. "All the Women Who Have Accused Sen. Al Franken of
Sexual Misconduct." TIME, November 30, 2017. time.com/5042931/al-franken-
accusers.
• Lee, MJ. "Democratic Senators to Al Franken: Resign." CNN, December 7, 2017.
www.cnn.com/20 17/12/06/politics/al-franken-democratic-senators-resign.
• Alberta, Tim. "The Education of Betsy DeVos." Politico, November/December
2017. www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/ll/Ol/betsy-devos-secretary
education-profile-2017-215768. 182
Scene 10:
• Pengelly, Martin. "Orrin Hatch Comments on Chip Health Program at Heart of
Social Media Storm." The Guardian, December 3, 2017.
www. the guardian. com/us-news/20 17 I dec/03 I orrin-hatch -chip-heal thcare
program-joe-scarborough.
• Fox Mayshark, Jesse. "Orrin Hatch, Lyricist." The New York Times, July 16,
2006. www.nytimes.com/2006/07/16 /weekinreview/16word.html.
Scene 11:
• Kane, Paul. "Republicans Vote to Rebuke Elizabeth Warren, Saying She
Impugned Sessions's Character." The Washington Post, February 7, 2017.
www. washingtonpost.corn/news/powerpost/wp/20 17/02/07 /republicans-vote-to
rebuke-elizabeth-warren-for-impugning -sessionss-character.
Scene 13:
• Shields, Annie. "What Rand Paul Said About Women Yesterday Was Even
Worse Than You Think." The Nation, January 27, 2014.
www.thenation.com/article/what-rand-paul-said-about-women-yesterday-was
even-worse-you-think.
• Lizza, Ryan. "Rand Paul's Personhood Problem." The New Yorker, October 8,
2014. www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/rand-paul-personhood-problem.
• Martinez, Kim. "Arizona School Choice Alum Travels to DC to Support Betsy
DeVos at Confirmation Hearing." American Federation for Children, January 19, 183
20 17. www. federationforchildren.org/arizona -school-choice-a! urn-travels-de
support-betsy -devos-confirmation-hearing.
• Snyder, Steve and Kate Stringer. "Denisha Merriweather, in Her Own Words: The
Private School Scholarship That Changed My Life." The 74, February 28 , 2017.
www.the74million.org/article/denisha-merriweather-in-her-own-words-the
private-school-scholarship-that-changed-my-life.
Scene 14:
• Caldwell, Leigh Ann. "GOP Health Care Bill Faces Crucial, Uncertain Week."
NBC, September 25 , 2017. www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/gop-health-care
bill-faces-crucial-uncertain-week -n804546.
Scene 14:
• Parlapiano, Alicia, et a!. "How Each Senator Voted on Obamacare Repeal
Proposals." The New York Times, July 28, 2017.
www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/07/25/us/politics/senate-votes-repeal
obamacare.html.
Scene 15:
• Ball, Molly. "How She Does It." The Atlantic, April11 , 2014.
www.theatlantic .com/politics/archive/20 14/04/how-she-does-it/3 604 71. 184
Scene 17:
• Diamond, Jeremy. "Connecticut Senator Has Had Enough of 'Thoughts' and
'Prayers."' CNN, December 3, 2015. www.cnn.com/2015112/02/po1itics/san
bernardino-chris-murphy-connecticut-tweet.
Scene 18:
• Gross, Allie. "Out of Options: School Choice Gutted Detroit's Public Schools .
The Rest of the Country Is Next." Vice, December 19,2016.
news.vice.com/en _ us/article/a3 j 5va/school-choice-detroi t-betsy -devos.
• Strauss, Valerie. "A Sobering Look at What Betsy DeVos Did to Education in
Michigan - and What She Might Do as Secretary of Education." The
Washington Post, December 8, 2016. www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer
sheet/wp/20 16/ 12/08/a-sobering-look-at-what-betsy-devos-did-to-education-in
michigan-and-what-she-might-do-as-secretary-of-education.
Scene 19:
• Krawchenko, Katiana. "Sen. Bill Cassidy Won't Return to Jimmy Kimmel' s
Show After 'Unfair' Fight over Health Care." CBS, February 2, 2018.
www.cbsnews.com/news/sen-bill-cassidy-wont-return-to-jimmy-kimmels-show
after-unfair-fight -over-health-care.
• Berenson, Tessa. "GOP Senator Says Health Care Bill Must Pass 'The Jimmy
Kimmel Test. " ' TIME, May 5, 2017. time.com/4769236/gop-senator-health-care
bill-jimmy-kimmel-test. 185
• Scott, Dylan. "Jimmy Kimmel: New Obamacare Repeal Bill Flunks the Jimmy
Kimmel Test." Vox , September 19, 2017. www.vox.com/policy-and
politics/20 17/9/19/1633 7 466/jimmy-kimmel-test-bill-cassidy-graham.
Scene 20:
• DeVos, Betsy. "Prepared Remarks by U.S. Secretary ofEducation Betsy DeVos
to the National Alliance for Public Charter Schools." U.S. Department of
Education, June 13, 2017. www.ed.gov/news/press-releases/prepared-remarks-us
secretary-education-betsy-devos-national-alliance-public-charter-schools.
Scene 21 :
• "Incumbent Roberts Struggles With Residency Questions." NBC, July 3, 2014.
www.nbcnews.com/politics/elections/incumbent-roberts-struggles-residency
questions-n 14 7656.
• Martin, Jonathan. "Lacking a House, a Senator Is Renewing His Ties in Kansas."
The New York Times, February 7, 2014.
www.nytimes.com/2014/02/08/us/senator-races-to-show-ties-including-an
address-in-kansas. html.
• "HECA Compliance Matrix." Higher Education Compliance Alliance, June 201 7.
www.higheredcompliance.org/matrix. 186
Scene 23:
• "Vice President Pence Votes for DeVos Nomination." C-SPAN, February 6,
20 17. www .c-span.org/video/?4 23 606-7/vice-president -pence- votes-devos
nomination.
• Mills, Doug. "Betsy DeVos Confirmed as Education Secretary; Pence Breaks
Tie." The New York Times, February 7, 2017.
www.nytimes.com/20 17/02/07 /us/politics/betsy-devos-education-secretary
confirmed.html.
Interlude - Madam Secretary:
• "U.S. Department of Education Awards $253 Million in Grants to Expand Charter
Schools." U.S. Department of Education, September 28, 2017.
www. ed. gov/ news/press-releases/us-department-education -awards- 2 53-mi Ilion
grants-expand-charter-schools.
• Tatum, Sophie. "Education Department Withdraws Obama-Era Campus Sexual
Assault Guidance." CNN, September 22, 2017.
www.cnn.com/20 17 /09/22/politics/betsy-devos-title-ix/index.html.
• lyer, Deepa. "Trump Administration Cancels Obama's Policy for Protecting
Transgender Rights in Public Schools." Colorlines, February 23, 2017.
www.colorlines.com/articles/trump-administration-cancels-obamas-policy
protecting-transgender-rights-public-schools. 187
• Douglas-Gabriel, Danielle and Tracy Jan. "DeVos Called HBCUs 'Pioneers' of
'School Choice.' It Didn't Go over Well." The Washington Post, February 28,
2017. www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2017/02/28/devos-called
hbcus-pioneers-of-school-choice-it-didnt-go-over-well.
• Green, Erica L. "DeVos Education Dept. Begins Dismissing Civil Rights Cases in
Name of Efficiency." The New York Times, April22, 2018.
www.nytimes.com/20 18/04/20/us/politics/devos-education-department-civil
rights.html.
• Woodward, Teresa. "Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Visits North Texas,
Draws Protesters." WFAA-TV, AprilS, 2018.
www. wfaa.com/article /news/ education/education-secretary- betsy -devos-visits
north-texas-draws-protesters/287 -53 568983 7.
• Rao, Sameer. "Harvard Students Protest Betsy DeVos With ' White Supremacist'
Sign, Raised Fists." Colorlines, September 28, 2017.
www. co lorlines. com/ articles/harvard -students-protest-betsy -devos-white
supremacist-sign-raised- fists.
• Ujifusa, Andrew. "Map: Tracking School Visits by U.S. Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos." Education Week, March 22, 2017.
www. edweek. org/ew I section/multimedia/map-tracking-betsy -devos-schoo 1-
visits.html. 188
• Stahl, Lesley. "Betsy DeVos on Guns, School Choice and Why People Don't Like
Her." 60 Minutes. CBS, March 11 , 2018. www.cbsnews.com/news/secretary-of
ed ucation-betsy -devos-on-guns-schoo !-choice-and-why-people-dont -like-her.
• Gupta, Vanita and Catherine E. Lhamon. "Dear Betsy DeVos, Don't Bring Back
Discrimination in School Discipline." Education Week, April 22, 2018.
www.edweek.org/ew/articles/20 18/03 /2 7/ dear-betsy -devos-dont-bring -back
discrimination.html.
• Balingit, Moriah. "Betsy DeVos to Oklahoma teachers: 'Serve the students."' The
Washington Post, April9, 2018.
www. washingtonpost.com/news/education/wp/20 18/04/09/betsy -devos-to
oklahoma-teachers-serve-the-students.
• Goldstein, Dana. "Teachers in Oklahoma and Kentucky Walk Out: ' It Really Is a
Wildfire."' The New York Times, April 2, 2018.
www .nytimes.corn/20 18/04/02/us/teacher-strikes-oklahoma-kentucky .html.
• Lewis, Cora. "Stoneman Douglas High School Students Had Strong Words For
Betsy DeVos When She Came To Visit." BuzzFeed Ne ws, March 7, 2018.
www.buzzfeed.com/coralewis/stoneman-douglas-high-school-students-had
strong-words-for.
Finale:
• Bowden, John. "Education Secretary: 'It's hurtful to me when I'm criticized for
not upholding the rights of students. " ' The Hill, February 8, 2018. 189
thehill. com/homenews/ administration/3 72 990-ed ucation-secretary-its-hurtful-to
me-when-im -criticized-for-not.
• He fling, Kimberly and Caitlin Emma. "How Betsy DeVos Softened Her Message
on School Choice." Politico, February 7, 2018.
www.politico.com/story/20 18/02/07 /betsy-devos-school-choice-education-
397633.
• Strauss, Valerie. "In Front of Kids, Betsy DeVos Says School Is Too Often a
'Mundane Malaise. "' The Washington Post, September 12, 2017.
www.washingtonpost.com /news/answer-sheet/wp/20 17 /09112/in-front-of-kids
betsy -devos-says-schoo 1-is-too-often-a-mundane-malaise.
• Strauss, Valerie. "Education Department Locks out Union Leaders Who Went to
Deliver 'Report Cards' to Betsy DeVos." The Washington Post, February 8, 2018.
www. washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/20 18/02/08/education
department-locks-out-union-leaders-who-went-to-deliver-report-cards-to-betsy
devos.
• Papenfuss, Mary. "Betsy DeVos Sued For Weakening Sexual Assault Reporting
Protections For Students." The Hujjington Post, January 27, 2018.
www .huffingtonpost. corn/ entry /betsy -devos-lawsui t -sex -assault -student
protections_ us_ 5a6bf2a4e4b06e253267baca.